Pokémon A Mew Me: Kuki's Tale [Discontinued]

[Adamhuarts]

Hello everyone. I'm Adam, nice meeting you too. This is a story i had started sometime in 2018 and practically left for dead when I was both burned out creatively and written the story into a corner. However, things will be different this time! Last time i didn't have a solid grasp on where i wanted the story to go and just made stuff up along the way which led to me writing the protagonist in a dimension situated in another dimension isolated from time itself and well...

Anywho, enough of my rambling. This is my revised and reworked version of the story, featuring a refined personality for the protagonist and a set goal for her to accomplish as well. Some things from the previous iteration will still remain, but the changes become very drastic beginning with the fifth chapter. I do hope you enjoy my take on a new fanfic after leaving the writing scene for nearly a year. Without any further ado, let's just jump into it.

Chapter Index

Spoiler

Chapter 1: Together Forever
Chapter 2: The Sacrifices We Make
Chapter 3: Awakening

Chapter One: Together Forever


The afternoon was pleasant. A girl with a large summer hat took a deep breath, immersing herself in the soft breeze and the melody of the swaying berry tree leaves surrounding her. She picked off a leaf that fell on her sleeve and stared idly at its rounded shape before discarding it.

A bumpy red berry caught her eye. She rubbed her chin as she wondered what it reminded her of. It looked like a red spikeball, and a funny looking one at that. When nothing else came to mind, she let out a bored sigh and flicked off the pieces of dirt that were getting on her orange dress.

I wonder what to do when we get back home. Maybe we can play croquette with the berries? No, playing with food is bad. How about a game of tag, but we can only move one step at a time in turns?… Not that either, I’ll probably lose like all the other tags we’ve played before. Urgh, thinking is hard sometimes.

‘What’s on your mind, Kuki?’ asked a green mantis-like pokemon standing above her.

Kuki puffed her cheeks in a pout. “I’m trying to think of a new game we can play,” she replied, stretching her limbs.

The pokemon chuckled, snipping berries off their plants and placing them into a silk bag. ‘Have you come up with anything yet?’

“No…’ Kuki pressed her palms against her cheeks. ‘I’m still brainstorming.”

‘Here, help me hold this bag while I try reaching those ones over there.’

Kuki got up and received the bag, gasping when the weight pulled her a bit. “Do we need all these berries?” Kuki asked, sweat dropping down her cheek as she went through the stash. And how was she able to carry all these easily with her skinny leavanny arms?

‘You need to eat a lot if you want to get big and strong, don’t you?’ the pokemon said, its body glowing white for a few seconds as its body shrank. ‘That’s why we need every single one of them.’

“I guess so… but you eat most of them anyway, Mew,” Kuki replied with a pout.

Mew snickered. She hovered higher up the branches and perched on a broad branch. ‘That’s because I’m a pokemon. My belly is bigger than yours, so I can eat and eat much more!’

“Ooooh, I didn’t know that. I wish I was a pokemon too then,” Kuki muttered while staring down in thought. She shrugged.

‘I’m just kidding. I just like to eat a lot.’

“Oh. You got me there,” Kuki said with a smile. “You know, we should probably hurry before the mean farmer gets back.”

“What in the—It’s you! You’re that thieving girl! Come to steal more of my harvests, have you?!” a loud voice barked.

Kuki widened her eyes when she saw a large man wielding a pickaxe stomping towards her. From his overalls and straw hat, she recognized him as the farmer who chased them off last time.

“I’m not letting you get away this time!” He mumbled under his breath as he unstrapped a round object from his belt. “Tibbles, pin her down!” the angered farmer yelled, hurling a pokeball at her to summon a herdier. The dog pokemon bared its fangs and darted towards Kuki.

“Oh no, he’s here Mew! Let’s g—” Kuki’s words caught in her throat and she fell into a coughing fit, forcing her to lose her grip on the berry bag. She fell to her knees with a thud, clutching hard on her chest. Her hat fell off, revealing the blue splotches on her skin that had covered half of her face from her left eye down to her neck.

“Bloody hell, what on earth…” The farmer stared at the alien-like girl, a mix of fear and disgust welling up in his gut.

Mew gasped, her ears propping up in alert.

Just as the herdier was about to pounce on the then helpless girl, Mew crashed in front of it while in the form of a swampert. The herdier felt an odd pressure coming from its new enemy, but it leapt forward nonetheless, a decision it regretted almost immediately.

‘I’m not letting you hurt her!’ Mew yelled, throwing an ice punch straight to the dog’s jaw and sending it rolling back to its master. It was knocked out in one hit. Before the farmer could process what had transpired, Mew shot out a jet of muddy water straight at the man’s face, sending him falling backwards.

“What in heaven’s name?!” The farmer fumed, incessantly rubbing his face with his sleeves to get mud out of his eyes. After about fifteen seconds of flailing around, he was able open his eyes again, however both the swampert and the girl were gone.

(B)​

“I… messed up… that was so close,” Kuki huffed between breaths, her coughs still persisting every few seconds. “I even dropped my hat… but it’s fine. I have other hats, so we don’t have to go back for it. That farmer will probably burn it cause he’s mad,” she said while forcing a smile. She rubbed away the moisture welling up in her eyes then cleared her throat.

Mew didn’t smile back at her. Her eyes drooped she placed her paws on Kuki’s cheeks, staring into the girl’s hazelnut eyes. ‘Your illness, Kuki… It’s getting worse.’

Kuki widened her eyes at Mew for a few seconds and then she bit her lip. She gently pushed Mew away and turned her face the other way. “I’m fine… There’s no need to be so worried. It was just a little cough that’s all.”

‘I… alright then.’ Mew sighed as she turned her attention to the pile of berries they’d collected that day. She glanced back at Kuki as she used her telekinesis to pick out some specific berries from the stash. She grouped together a pile of pink ripe pecha berries onto a tray and pushed it in front of the girl.

‘Come on, eat up now. I bet you’re really hungry now, right?’

Kuki beamed up as she dug her fingers into the berry pile. “Yeah, I’m starving!”

I hope this at least eases your pain, Kuki, Mew thought as she watched her adopted daughter munch down on her meal. If only there was…

“Aren't you going to take any?” Kuki asked while nibbling on the berry she was holding.

Mew’s ears perked, her mind snapping back to reality. ‘No, I’m fine! I’ll eat later don’t worry.’ She let out a nervous laugh which Kuki didn’t seem to mind.

Kuki hummed a tune as she picked up the last three berries on the tray. All the while, Mew was sat on the bed opposite to the girl, her face a mix of worry and joy. Every now and then, she’d make eye contact with Kuki but never really say anything.

“How about we make a kite, Mew?” Kuki suddenly asked, breaking the awkward silence as she bit on the last pecha berry.

Mew tilted her head sideways. ‘A kite? Like the one in that lotad prince show.’

“It’s lotus prince, not Lotad!” Kuki corrected, her eyes firing up.

Mew giggled, her tail waving back and forth. ‘Sorry, I can’t seem to ever get the name of that show right.’

“You actually remind me of the forest fairy queen from the lotus prince.”

‘Huh? What’s the forest fairy like?’ Mew asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Oh, she’s this magical lady who helps and guides the hero on his great journey to save the lotus kingdom!” Kuki said, waving her hand in the air with a wide smile, then her smile slowly faded. “I always end up watching it alone whenever you go out. Maybe we could watch it together sometime?”

‘Oh, sorry for leaving here you to yourself sometimes, Kuki, but the things I often do away from here on my own are too dangerous for a delicate human like you, but when you get older and stronger I promise I’ll take you out on my adventures more often!’ Mew said, holding Kuki’s hand with her tiny paws after hovering to her.

Kuki’s mouth fell open, and she tightened her grip on Mew’s paws. “You promise?!”

Mew’s lips drew to a smile. ‘I promise!’

“Yay, alright! I sure can’t wait to grow up! I’m so excited!” Kuki said, humming to herself as she pictured herself and Mew exploring hidden caves, finding lost treasures and saving the world from bad guys among other stuff.

Mew couldn’t help but chuckle at seeing Kuki absorbed in her dreams like that. ‘Come on now, let’s not get carried away. Here, tell me more about this kite thing you mentioned earlier.’

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” Kuki said, lightly slapping her forehead. She got up and walked to the pile of papers and cardboard they happened to have sitting in the room. “We can make a kite out of these, and with these sticks… oh, don’t forget the strings to tie them up together.”

Mew peeked over Kuki’s shoulder to see what she was doing. She made an ‘ah’ sound when a realization dawned upon her. ‘So this is why you took those things from that human shop the other day?’

“Oh that time? Well I wanted to make something else called an ‘Origami’ that day, but I couldn’t really figure it out, so I gave up,” Kuki explained with a sigh as she twirled a string around a chopstick.

‘You silly girl, you shouldn’t give up on doing something just because it’s difficult.’

Kuki pouted with her arms folded. “The instructions on how to make them were too complicated. I couldn’t follow them out at all! There were like fold it like this, and like that. Even the pictures were no help!"

‘Well if you’re feeling up to it again some other time, we can make some of these ‘origamis’ together!’ Mew said, throwing her fist in the air. ‘If we look at the instructions together I’m sure we’ll make them out!’

“Really?!” Kuki asked, leaning forward. “But first, we have to make the kite!”

Mew giggled as she climbed up kuki’s shoulder. ‘That’s the spirit, my girl! Now then, where do we start?’

And so the two of them set to work on the kites. After a few failed attempts, Kuki suggested they watch the lotus prince again to figure out how, but they ended up marathoning the series because Kuki forgot which episode the instructions were shown in. After a few hours and lots of used paper, they finally made something that actually resembled a working kite.

“Hooray, we did it! We made a kite,” Kuki said before letting out a huge yawn. She heaved a deep sigh as she rubbed her eyes groggily. “Let’s go and test it out, Mew. We… still don’t know… if it can fly yet,” Kuki said, struggling to keep her eyes open.

Mew giggled as she flicked off a small bit of paper on Kuki’s nose. ‘Let’s leave that till tomorrow, dear. You’re clearly tired right now,’ Mew replied, holding Kuki in her arms as she transformed into an audino.

Kuki groaned as she meekly tried nudging away from Mew before her arm dropped again. “I can still keep going…” Kuki argued, but Mew could see the bags under her eyes and wasn't fooled.

‘No, Kuki. You need to rest.’

“Awwwww”

‘Cheer up. We’ll play again first thing in the morning.’

With what strength she could muster, Kuki held onto Mew’s hand and met her eyes. “Mew, will we always be together?”

Mew’s eyes widened at the sudden question, then her expression softened to a smile. “Always, Kuki. Always.”

“Yay… I’m glad…” With that, Kuki finally fell asleep with her body resting limp in Mew’s arms.

After holding onto her for a few minutes, Mew got up and gently tucked Kuki into bed. She drew some of the girl’s loose hair behind her ear and then kissed her on the forehead.

While she watched over the sleeping girl, she recalled a conversation she had a while ago. It was when she’d taken Kuki to a hospital while using her psychic illusions to create a human shaped puppet as a stand in for Kuki’s legal guardian to ward off suspicion. She also recalled how much Kuki was against going to the hospital, but they ran the medical check up on her anyway by the end of the day.

After all was said and done, The doctor took the human puppet aside while Mew and Kuki remained in the waiting area. Mew still remembers exactly what the doctor had said that day.

“It brings me much distress to have to inform you of this, Ma’am. It’s concerning your daughter… she has a condition we call ‘Lobelia Syndrome'."

“Lobelia syndrome?…” Mew’s puppet asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It is a genetic condition, meaning it was something she was born with. The name itself from the most prominent of the symptoms: the decoloration of skin as it begins to turn blue. The other symptoms typically include sporadic spikes in fevers, coughing, gradual organ failure and sometimes paralysis. Judging by the state your daughter is, she’s already in the final stages of the illness.”

The puppet’s eyes widened, its emotions reflecting those of Mew. “What? can it… is there a cure for it?”

“I wish I could say there is, but there really isn’t any known working treatments for it to begin I’m afraid. It is an unimaginably rare condition and not much medical research has been done on it.” The doctor took off his glasses and pinched his nose bridge. He looked up to meet the woman’s eyes again. “Your daughter likely only has a few weeks left to live. This may only bring you some consolation, but at the very least let her enjoy her life to the fullest while it still lasts.”

That day, Mew remained silent and distant even to Kuki for the whole evening.

Her mind returning to the present, Mew assumed her default form again. She drew a sigh as she continued to watch over Kuki by the bedside. They said you only had a few weeks to live, and yet here we are an entire year later. This whole time you’ve been fighting to remain alive. That you’re still here gives me some hope, and I too must fight my hardest for your sake. I am not yet ready to lose you.

Mew stepped back from the bed and made her way towards the door. She glanced back at Kuki one more time before leaving. Wait for me, Kuki. I promise I’ll find a way to cure you.

(C)​

Kuki woke up abruptly the next dawn with a severe coughing fit. She curled up on the bed, rolling back and forth with her hands pressed over her mouth. Her eyes reddened as tears welled up in her ducts. It felt as if iron coils were strangling her lungs as she struggled to breathe at all.

After five minutes of enduring that hell, the coughs subsided. She slowly took her hands off her mouth and stared at them in bewilderment. There was blood all over her palms and fingers, making her heart skip a beat. She groaned as she dragged herself off the bed and reached for a piece of cloth to clean off the blood.

I need… water, she determined while inching towards the bathroom. Every step she took felt harder to pull off than the last.

“It hurts… it hurts so much,” she whimpered. Her head was pounding and a ringing noise blared in her ears, but she endured and kept moving.

Kuki went in to wash her face, but no sooner had she gone in when her coughs resurfaced. She lost balance and fell on the cold tiled floor. She wheezed and gasped for air for a full minute before she could pull herself to her feet again.

She spent a bit of time just watching, her eyes drained of all life as she stared at water pouring down the sink before she rinsed her mouth and spat out the blood. Her reflection stared back at her when she looked at the mirror. Her face was drenched in sweat and her cheeks were stained in blood as well.

“What is happening to me?” she asked, her voice coming out hoarse. “Mew? Where are you?” she closed the tap and reached for the door, almost tripping over on her way out. “Mew! Help me…” she cried out again.

The room was empty when she left the bathroom, though it wasn’t like she expected to find anyone else besides Mew in it. She tried to walk back to her bed, but legs gave out and she fell by the bedside. She cringed her face as her headache worsened. Her breaths grew gradual and forced, and the room felt like it was burning up.

“Mew’s not here, at a time like this?” she whispered to herself, tears running down her cheeks. “It’s so hot in here. Maybe some fresh air is what I need.”

Kuki turned her attention to the door leading outside. It was slightly open, creaking every couple seconds when a breeze came in.

“I can’t even see the doorknob. Why are my eyes so blurry? Am I going blind?” She bit on her lip as she wobbled in place. “I feel so dizzy too, ugh.”

Eventually she was able to pull the door open and head out of the room. If only there wasn’t a staircase waiting for her right ahead. Using every bit of strength her small body could muster, Kuki climbed her way up the staircase. She moved one step every few seconds, sometimes up to a minute.

“Mew… where did you go? Please… make this pain go away,it just keeps—” she nearly lost her balance when another coughing fit struck her, this time accompanied with her throwing up. “It just keeps getting worse,” she finished at last, her face cringing from the bitter taste mixed with the blood in her mouth.

Kuki trudged onwards and just barely managed to finish climbing the flight of stairs. She dropped to her knees to catch her breath. Her stomach felt like it was being stabbed with a hot knife over and over.

“Mew…”

After ten minutes of withstanding excruciating pain, Kuki got back up and pushed open the lighthouse door. She shuddered when the cold ocean breeze washed over her body. She tried to imagine how blue the sky looked, how the occasional wingull flew by to perch on the island, and also how the sunlight shimmered on the ocean surface during sunrise.

Why am I imagining these things. The sun is barely even up yet, She thought to herself in her trivial attempt to humor herself.

Kuki tried to take a step forward, but her body gave out and fell sideways onto the concrete. She didn’t try to get back up after that, she was in far too much pain to consider giving it another try. Most of her strength was already gone.

“I feel… cold.” Her body lay sprawled on the ground as she faced the approaching sunrise.

Numerous thoughts flashed in her mind. She remembered her earliest memory when she was only three years old. Those days Mew took her almost everywhere she went. She also remembered her earliest sad memory, when Mew accidentally broke her favorite doll and how Mew made it up to her by getting her the lotus prince cassettes to watch.

Why am I remembering all of these memories? They said on the lotus prince that’s what happens in our final moments. Am I going to die? I wonder how long I’ve been living on this island with Mew. It’s going to be my thirteenth birthday soon, right? I’m probably going to miss it now…

The corners of her vision began to darken and it oddly seemed like nighttime was creeping in. Kuki found herself staring at a river of golden lights and a massive tree with ever spreading branches in all directions. She could see the silhouettes of other figures walking in the river. It was overwhelming, she felt herself being pulled into it.

“I’m sorry for breaking our promise, Mew… I’m sorry…” she said, closing her eyes and the last of her strength leaving her as the cold embraced her.

 

[Umbramatic]

...Well that went places.

No, seriously, early in this chapter I'm like:

Whereas by the end I was like:

As you can probably tell you've got a good plot hook here, I'm wondering how the hell Kuki is gonna get out of this one. Aside from, you know. Not getting out of it and fucking dying.

You also are like. Really good at simple but evocative description? The fight scene with the Herdier and the final scenes come to mind. I'm jealous, I wish I could do that.

Also, I like the premise of "human raised by legendary" - that specifically is something you don't see too often and Mew's relationship with Kuki is cute.

I don't have that much else to say so uh. Looking forward to the rest.

(also the art at the end is super cute, nice job on it)

 

[Adamhuarts]

Thanks so much for the review, Umbra! I'm really glad you enjoyed the first chapter overall. It means a lot to me.

As you can probably tell you've got a good plot hook here, I'm wondering how the hell Kuki is gonna get out of this one. Aside from, you know. Not getting out of it and fucking dying.

Well considering the premise is about a girl getting resurrected as a mew... Yeah she dead ;(.

You also are like. Really good at simple but evocative description? The fight scene with the Herdier and the final scenes come to mind. I'm jealous, I wish I could do that.

Oh, thanks so much! I learned to do this by mostly incorporating descriptions of actions characters take during dialog scenes. I also read a handful of original novels and stories!

I've seen your story already and I can say you do have a lot of potential yourself. This is a skill you too can learn and even master, and to that im rooting for you. ^^

Also, I like the premise of "human raised by legendary" - that specifically is something you don't see too often and Mew's relationship with Kuki is cute.

Yeah to my knowledge a lot of transformation fics, and especially ones involving Mew, usually don't have Mew share any real personal connections to the human that gets turned into a Mew, or at least make mew turning the person into a pokemon seem out of character. The earliest iteration of this story also suffered from that same problem.

That's when I decided to just make it so that the protagonist was raised by Mew herself, which will make the notion of Mew turning that person into a pokemon much more believable. It's still a bit of a stretch that Mew would raise a human in the first place, but I hope my readers can overlook that. 😅

 

[NebulaDreams]

Hello! Glad to see you're back! I checked out some of the chapters of the Reborn version, just as a refresher, and there were definitely some good ideas, but maybe stuff that needed some fine tuning as well. Even though you've already sent an earlier version of this to me, I thought I'd stop by and give my two cents on the newest incarnation of A Mew Me's first chapter.

He mumbled under his breath as he unstrapped an round object from his belt.

*a round object

a mix of fear and disgust welling up in his bowels.

Maybe 'gut' would've been a better word choice for bowels. It makes me think of something a bit more icky.

“Yay, alright! I sure can’t wait to grow up! I’m so excited!” Kuki said, humming to herself as she pictured herself and Mew exploring hidden caves, finding lost treasures and saving the world from bad guys among other stuff.

Why must you do this? T_T

Kuki pouted with her arms folded. “The instructions on how to make them were too complicated. I couldn’t follow them out at all! There were like fold it like this, and like that. Even the pictures were no help,” Kuki said while drooping her shoulders.

I don't think the ending dialogue tag was needed, since we already know Kuki's saying it. In general, you tend to add a lot of extra body language where perhaps it isn't needed, since the 'drooping her shoulders' thing serves the same purpose as 'pouted with her arms folded'.

With what strength she could muster, Kuki held onto Mew’s hand and met her eyes. “Mew, will we always be together?”

Mew’s eyes widened at the sudden question, then her expression softened to a smile. “Always, Kuki. Always.”

“Yay… I’m glad…”

“It brings me much distress to have to inform you of this, Ma’am. It’s concerning your daughter… she has a condition we call ‘blue skin syndrome’.”

Blue skin syndrome? That's a little on the nose, isn't it? Maybe if there was another word for it, like 'Lobelia Syndrome' (since Lobelia is a blue flower), it would be a bit easier to take seriously.

Numerous thoughts flashed in her mind. She remembered her earliest memory when she was only three years old. Those days Mew took her almost everywhere she went. She also remembered her earliest sad memory, when Mew accidentally broke her favorite doll and how Mew made it up to her by getting her the lotus prince cassettes to watch.

All in all, I feel this current version is a good improvement on the earlier one. There's much more of an opening hook in this first chapter, since we get to spend a bit more time with Kuki and Mew's relationship, which is wholesome, by the way, and feel a lot more dread knowing what's going to happen anyway. The hospital scene was a really nice touch in this regard. Having Mew use a human puppet was a clever idea, but it also clarifies things that were painfully vague in the last version (why they wouldn't take Kuki to a doctor and what condition they had). It really sold that Kuki's days were numbered.

And of course, just as Mew ventures out to find a cure, Kuki kicks the bucket anyway. This was a lot more evocative (especially with the flashbacks of memories at the end) and a better choice as a chapter ending scene this time around. So yeah, I don't have much else to say except well done. Will be looking forward to future chapters and how the rewrite develops from here.

 

[Adamhuarts]

Thanks so much for reading my story, Nebula! I'm glad you liked a lot of the changes I made with this version of the story. Also, I would like to point out that this story is more of a complete rework than a revision at this point since I'm changing almost everything with only a few things remaining the same. Everything after the fourth chapter would be completely different, so no Celebi appearance in the future anymore im afraid. I'll have someone else fill the role of Kuki's mentor as she struggles with her abilities.

I'm going to be posting the chapters as I finish them and make chapter artworks for them. Given that I've finish the second chapter's draft, it's only a matter of time before I post it. I hope you're looking forward to it!

 

[Negrek]

Hey, welcome back, Adam! It's great to see you around again. Good to hear you're feeling better about your writing, and I hope you had fun revisiting this story. It'll be fun for me, too, to see how things have changed in this iteration.

Some more sentence-level and grammary things, and then overall thoughts at the end!

She picked off a leaf that fell on her sleeve and stared at idly at its rounded shape before discarding it.

You have an extra "at" before "idly."

[...] Kuki groaned, concluding her thoughts.

Hmm, why say "concluding her thoughts" here? The italics are done, so it's clear her thoughts are over...

Kuki got up and received the bag, gasping a bit when the weight pulled her a bit.

Maybe look for some way to avoid repeating "a bit" here.

- A pickaxe strikes me as kind of an odd thing for a farmer to be wielding (although it's not out of the question). What about something like a shovel, rake, hoe, or similar?

“Tibbles, pin her down!” The angered farmer yelled, hurling a pokeball at her to summon a herdier.

You do pretty well on dialogue punctuation overall, but it should be "the angered farmer," not "The angered farmer" here.

The farmer stared at the alien-like girl, a mix of fear and disgust welling up in his bowels.

Haha, normally I think you'd talk about those emotions welling in someone's chest rather than their bowels. Though often people feel emotions in their gut, too! It's just unusual to see that particular word used in this way.

Mew’s eyes perked, her mind snapping back to reality.

Normally "perked" has a strong connotation of raising or standing up, so it's usually used for e.g. ears rather than eyes.

Kuki’s mouth fell open, tightening her grip on Mew’s paws.

The way this is phrased, Kuki's mouth is what's tightening its grip on Mew's paws. Phrasing like "Kuki's mouth fell open, and she tightened..." would fix that up.

Well I wanted to make something else called an ‘Origami’ that day, but I couldn’t really figure it out, so I gave up,” Kuki explained with a sigh as she twirled a string around a chopstick.

This is a really cute little piece, with Kuki's thwarted origami plans and her deciding to make mini kites out of chopsticks instead. A nice character moment.

“I can still keep going…” Kuki argued, but the bags under her eyes weren’t fooling anyone.

Well, normally we wouldn't expect the bags under her eyes to be fooling anyone, they'd be a direct indicator that she was tired. Something like "Kuki argued, but Mew could see the bags under her eyes and wasn't fooled" would make more sense to me.

Her eyes reddened as tears welled in her eyes

Maybe see about rephrasing this so you don't repeat "eyes."

“Mew? Where are you?” she closed the tap and reached for the door, almost tripping over on her way out.

Since "she closed the tap" has nothing to do with the preceding dialogue--it doesn't describe how that's being delivered--it should be "She." Also, I think you might be missing a word after "over."

“My stomach feels like I’m being stabbed with a hot knife over and over,” she whimpered.

It strikes me as a bit odd that Kuki's narrating her discomfort during the last part of this chapter. Was there any reason that you didn't just leave that as narration, i.e. "Kuki felt like her stomach was getting stabbed with a hot knife over and over?"

“I’m sorry for breaking our promise, Mew… I’m sorry…” she said, closing her eyes as the last of her strength leaving her as the cold embraced her.

The rest of her strength *left her. I think it would sound better to change the second "as" to "and," avoiding a bit of repetition. Want to head off from the chapter on a strong note, what with your protagonist dying and all. ;)

Man, actually, after reading this, I don't even remember enough of the previous version to really know what's changed! Obviously the major stuff is the same, what with Kuki dying and living in the lighthouse and being adopted by Mew and whatnot. I don't remember whether we actually saw her go outside the lighthouse last time, or whether The Lotus Prince was a thing that time, either. So, I guess pretty much taking this chapter simply as it is... There are a lot of cute moments here, and Kuki is wonderfully kid-ish and acts realistically her age (assuming her age is, like, sub-10 years old). Her relationship with Mew is portrayed well, and I don't know if it's what you were going for, but I do like that Mew is kind of ambiguously a jerk here, lying to Kuki about what's going on and then leaving her when she's literally dying. It makes sense, of course--would it really have been better for Kuki to know she was dying, if it would just make her worried and depressed? And of course Mew thinks she'll be able to find a cure, so there's no need to tell her because she's not going to die anyway! Like I said, Mew's actions here are a bit questionable, but I think this makes her a more interesting character than she would have been otherwise.

It is kind of tough, though, to handle your main character dying like this in the first chapter. It's not much time to get attached! Of course I know that Kuki isn't going anywhere, so to speak, but it does mean that you have to do a ton of work here to introduce Kuki and Mew, establish that Kuki's dying, and then actually have her die. It's nice that you aren't dragging things out forever, but on the other hand it's a lot that's going on! To me, the dramatic nature of Kuki's illness kind of detracts from the overall tone--like, the very extended scene of her dying in agony struck me as a bit over-the-top. The fact that she's dying here isn't really the most interesting thing--that's what comes next--and so the amount of emphasis placed on explaining what her illness is and then the scene of her finally dying of it strikes me as kind of unnecessary. If Kuki was dying of something ambiguous and passed away quietly while Mew was gone, I don't think it would have changed much. For a character I was more attached to, such a drawn-out death sequence might be a really satisfying end for them, but in this case it struck me as a bit unnecessary. And Kuki's illness itself struck me as kind of weirdly speciic and clearly crafted to meet the requirements of this chapter, so to me something ambiguous might have worked better because I wouldn't have been distracted by some of the condition's more outlandish details.

It's too bad we won't get to see more of Mew and Kuki together! Honestly, I think you want as much of them hanging out and bonding with each other as possible, since we won't be able to get it later and it's important for things like Mew's sacrifice to make sense. I might have replaced some of the stuff focusing on Kuki's illness with more of her interacting with Mew, honestly. But what you have of them together is nice and fluffy, and I think it's enough to give an understanding of what their relationship is like and why Kuki is the way she is.

Love the art you added here, by the way. Super cute! Anyhow, welcome back. Hope you'll keep working on this version, I'd love to see how it turns out!

 

[Adamhuarts]

Chapter 2: The Sacrifices We Make

‘Kuki, I'm home!’ Mew announced upon teleporting onto the island shores. She held a small sash of berries in her paws. Dirt and light bruises covered her body, the latter of which was already fading away as her body healed.

‘Phew, those tyranitars sure put up a fight. It was really fun,’ she said with a smile as she shook the sash. ‘These enigma berries are said to fix all kinds of human diseases, so maybe they can cure Kuki!’

She looked around her surroundings for a moment. The sun had just risen, rearing its head just a bit over the horizon. Tinges of purple and crimson streaks still decorated the morning sky, and a soothing breeze blew across the island. ‘I wonder if Kuki is awake by now. Knowing her, she’s probably still asleep.’

Mew teleported into the lighthouse, a wide smile on her face as she anticipated seeing her daughter. However, she immediately felt something was amiss. Her nose caught a whiff of blood lingering in the air, as well as what smelled like vomit from the open doorway. She swerved towards the bed she had laid Kuki on the night before leaving. The blanket was halfway on the ground and the sheets were all unkempt.

Mew's heart began to drum. In her panicked state, she lost grip on the berry sash, sending the fruits rolling about in random directions.

Mew panted as she scanned the room to find her girl, but Kuki didn’t seem like she was in the lighthouse at all. ‘Kuki! Where are you?!’

Mew darted outside at lightning speed, enhancing her vision with Foresight as she investigated the surroundings. Where did she go, where did she g—

Mew’s heart sank as she found Kuki lying motionlessly by the entrance. She gasped, covering her mouth with her paw as she hovered down to Kuki. The girl’s body felt cold, much too cold even if it’d just been the morning weather.

‘Kuki? Wake up,’ Mew said, lightly rocking her back and forth, but she got no response. ‘Come on, you shouldn’t be sleeping outside.’

Mew placed her ear over Kuki’s chest, but she heard nothing but silence. ‘Heart has stopped? No, that can’t be!’ Mew rocked Kuki’s body back and forth again with more force, tears flowing out of her eyes.

‘Wake up, please!’ Mew pleaded, her paws radiating the energy of a heal pulse into Kuki, but it was a pointless effort; Mew knew all too well pokemon healing moves weren’t any bit effective on humans.

“Please, open your eyes Kuki. I beg you!” She buried her face in Kuki’s chest, clenching her paws.

‘We made a promise, didn’t we?! Weren’t we always going to be together?! Don’t leave me behind Kuki. Open your eyes for me Kuki, open your eyes and tell me you’re alright—that you’re still here,’ Mew cried, tears blurring her vision. However, Kuki remained lifeless.

Mew dragged herself off Kuki and curled into a ball next to her body as she continued to weep. ‘Why did this have to happen now? I was so close! How could I have failed to save her?!’

She bit her lip as she placed her paw over Kuki’s cheek. ‘Of all people, why did this world have to take you away? Why couldn’t I save you on time?’

Mew lifted Kuki off the ground and returned into the lighthouse, gently placing her body over the bed. She watched the girl in silence as her mind raced. She sniffled as she turned to the bedside drawer where a framed picture of them sat.

Mew held the picture in her paws. It was taken before Kuki’s skin even began to change color. ‘I promised I’d save you, and yet I still couldn’t do anything.' Mew screamed. 'No, I can’t give up, not yet. There has to be a way to bring you back!’

A light bulb lit up in Mew’s mind as she gasped. She sat up and held up Kuki’s limp hand in her paws. ‘That’s it! Xerneas is awake in this era! She can help you. She has to!’ Mew exclaimed, a wave of hope welling up in her. ‘Wait for me, Kuki. I'll bring you back to me, I swear it!’

(B)​

Tracking Xerneas down was no easy task, and it took Mew a few days to finally pinpoint her exact location from the clues she could string together. Mew had also discovered that though heal pulse doesn’t affect Kuki, it still prevented her body from any further decay at least.

Mew’s search brought her to a lush green forest in the far reaches of a certain valley. She hovered past the trees and over the bushes. After a bit of searching, she finally encountered the elusive great deer pokemon, who had been taking a drink of water by a vast open lake.

‘To what do I owe this visit, First born?’ Xerneas spoke, having sensed Mew’s presence behind her. ‘If you’d come to wake me up from my petrified state as a prank again, you’re out of luck. A group of pathetic humans already beat you to it twenty earth cycles ago.’

Mew froze in place as she gulped. ‘Um, greetings to you too, Lifebringer Xerneas,’ Mew said, looking down shyly, then she looked up again and continued, ‘I didn’t come to you to bother you or anything of the sort this time. I actually came to ask you for a favor.’

Xerneas’ ears perked up. She turned around to look at the guest behind her, cocking her head to the side. ‘A favor, for you?’

Mew nodded at Xerneas, then she bowed. ‘Please, just hear me out at least!’

Xerneas raised a brow, a shimmer of light flowing through her blue horns. When she looked at Mew, she was taken aback by the tear marks that darkened her cheeks. ‘Mew… I can’t say I’ve ever seen you like this.’

‘I look like a mess, I know. You don’t have to tell me.’

Xerneas paused for a brief moment. She kept her eyes on the corpse Mew had hovering behind her, cocooned up in cloths. ‘What is it that you require my assistance with?’

Mew placed Kuki down between them, taking her time to slowly unravel Kuki from the blankets that confined her. While Mew did that, Xerneas watched her with great concern in her eyes. She knew exactly where things were going.

She stepped closer towards the pair with her blade-like hooves. ‘That’s a human corpse…’

‘She isn’t a corpse. She’s my child.’

Xerneas raised a brow. ‘Your child?’

‘She passed away about a week ago… I already miss her so much. Please, Xerneas, I want you to bring her back to life. That is something you can do that, right?’

Xerneas took a deep breath, raising her gaze towards the looming mountains surrounding the forest. Before she spoke, she chose her words carefully in her mind. ‘There’s something I don’t understand, Mew. It is unlike you grow attached to anyone, let alone a human. You are willing to go to this extent for a human?’

Silence crept in between them, and when their gazes met again, Xerneas continued. ‘Aren’t you the one who once said all humans were ‘stupid and just ruin everything for everyone without a care in the world?’’

Mew’s eyes widened, a lump forming in her throat. ‘That was nearly three thousand years ago… I was a different pokemon back then.’

‘Three thousand years is hardly much for the likes of us, but I suppose it is indeed evident that you’ve changed somewhat since the last time I saw you.’ Xerneas then glanced at the body in front of her. ‘Did this child have anything to do with the shift in your perspective?’

Mew shook her head. ‘Well not entirely, but she did contribute a lot to that.’

‘You called her your child earlier. Certainly you’re not implying you actually raised a human?’

Mew nodded fiercely. ‘But I did! I nurtured her myself. I watched over her every day, taught her how to walk and even helped her mind be able to understand what we pokemon say. I enjoyed every minute and every second I spent with her, but now she…’ Mew paused, wearing a solemn expression as she held Kuki’s hand tightly. ‘Please, Xerneas. I know you’re not all that fond of my… past games and pranks, but I’m begging you to please overlook those times and do me this favor just this once. Just use your life giving power on her, that’s all I ask of you!’

‘Know your place, First born. You shouldn’t talk lightly about matters involving life and death.’

‘I know that, but can’t you make an exception for me?’

Xerneas stared at Mew with an unreadable expression. ‘It is not an issue of whether I can or can’t, Mew.’ Xerneas stepped closer to Kuki, taking a clearer look at the girl’s appearance. The girl’s pale lifeless body nearly unnerved her, and she also noticed the blue markings on kuki’s skin. ‘As I thought, this human died from an illness, didn’t she?’

‘Yes… she was born with it I was told. I tried everything I could to cure it, but neither my powers nor the humans could save her. I had to watch her helplessly fight through it everyday as it slowly consumed her, and I couldn’t even do anything about it!’ Mew yelled, tears flowing down her face again. ‘I couldn’t even be there with her during her final moments.’

Xerneas heaved a deep sigh. ‘You said she died from a disease, one that could not be cured, right?’

Mew nodded slowly as she sniffled.

‘What do you think would happen to her if I were to resurrect her back to life now? Her illness would not be healed and her worn organs would still be defunct. She would be left in a state of perpetual pain and agony till her life fizzles away again. I’m sure you’re not cruel enough to ask me to make her immortal in her current state either, are you?’

‘Are you telling me to give up on her?’

‘You should,’ Xerneas replied matter of factly. ‘This girl’s life seems to have meant a lot to you, and though you saw some kind of beauty in her, beauty fades, Mew. You must accept the fleetingness of life and move on. Nothing can last forevermore.’

‘I’m not a fool, Xerneas!’ Mew retorted, her irises flashing purple. ‘Of course, I’ve always known sooner or later Kuki would leave me. I know how short a human’s life can be, but I wanted to watch her live her life to the fullest—from an infant, to an adult and eventually to a withered old woman. I wanted to be by her side through all those phases of her life.’

‘Then why not wait till she reincarnates? Even as we speak, her soul is returning to the great flow to be reformed into another identity. Whether she’s reborn as a human or a pokemon, you’ll still be able to recognize her at a glance from her aura.’

‘But then she wouldn’t be my Kuki anymore. She’d be someone else. I don’t want that.’

‘Why does this girl’s life mean so much to you?’

‘Because… For the first time in all the eras I’ve lived, it was only when I was with her that I truly felt like I wasn’t alone. She was the first person to make me want to live my life for someone else’s sake.’

Xerneas stared wide eyed at Mew after hearing that response. She was speechless, and silence prevailed between them once again as a gentle gust blew through the forest. Living for someone else’s sake huh? those are words I never thought I’d hear being uttered by someone like you, Mew.

‘I beg of you again, Xerneas. Even if you bring her back, even if she’d not last long again, I’ll find away to cure her in the meantime. Please, I don’t know what will become of me now without her. I… I wasn’t ready to lose her like this.’

Xerneas slowly turned around and began walking towards the river again. ‘I won’t restore that girl’s life, Mew. I won’t allow you to prolong her suffering in a misguided attempt to fix the unsolvable.’

Mew’s gritted her teeth, her blood searing from the inside.

‘However,’ Xerneas spoke up suddenly, ‘There’s another way to restore the girl’s life, one that could even restore her without her illness being a problem.’

‘There’s another way?!’ Mew asked eagerly, her anger rapidly dissipating.

‘Have you heard of Ho-Oh? The phoenix who reigns from the east?’

‘Oh, not personally. I have met one of his subordinates before… Suicune was his name I think.’

‘He can revive your human girl, and knowing him he’d probably be more than willing to help you.’

Mew gasped, standing on her toe tips. ‘Where can I find him? Please tell me.’

‘Before I relay that information to you, I must warn you about something regarding his methods. Ho-Oh's way of resurrection usually comes at a price. Are you confident you’re willing to do whatever it takes for this girl of yours?’

Mew stepped back for a bit. She glanced at Kuki’s face, and that gave her all the determination she needed. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes, as long as it’s for her sake.’

Xerneas nodded in affirmation. ‘Very well, I’ll tell you where he currently resides. You will find him in…”

‘I see, thank you so much Xerneas!’ Mew said, bowing politely. ‘I’ll take my leave now if you’d excuse me.’

‘Send my regards to Ho-Oh when you meet him,’ Xerneas said, watching as Mew wrapped Kuki back up before teleporting both of them out of the forest. After Mew left, Xerneas stood there in silence. ‘I do hope you know what you’re doing, Mew.’

(B)​

Xerneas’ directions brought Mew to the peaks of a icy fogged mountain. The air was so thin that even a mountain climber wouldn’t be able to reach farther without an oxygen tank, but that was hardly a problem for Mew who had taken the form of an Alolan ninetales.

With Kuki on her back, she dashed over crevices and leapt from one snowy boulder to another. Every once in a while, she’d stop to take a look around to make sure she was going the right way, before darting off again once she reorients her path.

With foggy breathes, she came to a stop where she encountered an old rickety wooden bridge. There were icicles hanging down the ropes that held it together. She walked a few steps towards the bridge to inspect it, tapping her paw on it a few times to test its durability. Just then, her ears picked up footsteps coming from ahead, and her nine tails immediately stood up in alarm.

‘What brings you here? This is not the place for a pokemon without a master to be,’ said a deep voice.

Mew gasped, recognizing the voice. The pokemon’s appearance grew clearer as it stepped out of the fog. There she met Suicune confronting her, his purple mane flowing as a chilly gust streaked through the mountain.

‘Suicune, it’s me,’ Mew said, reverting back to her default form.

Suicune widened his eyes then he bowed. ‘My apologies. The Great One had not informed us of your coming.’ His crimson eyes trailed towards the luggage Mew seemed to be carrying. ‘If you don’t mind my asking, what brings you here?’

‘I need to speak to Ho-Oh. It’s urgent.’

Suicune nodded, then turned around, his ribbon like tails swaying around him. ‘I see. I shall lead you to him.’

‘Thank you,’ Mew said, heaving a sigh. She transformed back to a ninetales and trotted after her guide.

The bridge really showed its age; every step Mew took created a creaking sound, a few pieces snapping off here and there. She gulped as she took her eyes off the bridge and onto Suicune, who was walking a bit ahead of her.

‘I believe it has been fifty years since our last encounter,’ Suicune said, attempting to make small talk.

Mew didn’t really respond. He noticed her mind seemed occupied, so he continued. ‘Thinking back now, I must admit that game you pulled off was enjoyable to some extent.’

‘Huh? Oh. Well of course it was, silly!’ Mew huffed. ‘You should have seen the look on your face back then.’

‘Though I’m not particularly fond of it, if you came here to play a game against the great one, you’d find him to be a most willing opponent.’

‘I’m not really here to play games. I’m just… Could we pick up the pace?’ Mew asked as she began to walk faster.

‘Right…’

As soon as they got to the other side of the bridge, they rushed onward to climb higher up the mountain that pierced through the clouds. The skies darkened as the sun began to set, making it a bit harder for them to see their path, but Suicune knew the mountain like the back of his paw. It didn’t take long for them to reach the peak, where Ho-Oh supposedly resided.

An ancient temple awaited them at the top of the mountain. The first thing Mew noticed when she set foot on the stone temple grounds was how warm the air felt. It didn’t feel hard to breathe at all. Worn down stone columns bearing torches stood on either side of the temple, their outlines glistening under the moonlight, whereas a torii gate that had long lost its vermilion color stood above the entrance.

Up ahead, Mew noticed a large bird roosting in a large nest with its eyes closed. Is that him? She pondered as she took a few steps forward before shape shifting back to her normal form.

A gust swept past Mew as Suicune dashed to his master’s side. He stopped with a bow in front of the large bird as he began to speak. ‘O Great One, a guest awaits your presence.’

Mere seconds after Suicune spoke, Ho-Oh’s eyes pried open as his forehead feathers began to glow a bright golden color. He spread his feathers wide, emanating fire sparks around. ‘I have a guest at this time of night?!” He flapped his wings a few more times, each time a streak of light reverberating through them. ‘Why, I don’t remember inviting anyone over!’

Mew stared blankly at the sudden nature of the situation.

‘Uhm, I’m the one who wanted to meet you!’ Mew said, raising her voice so Ho-Oh could hear her.

‘Hmmm? You?!’ Ho-Oh beat his wings and launched himself into the air, landing right in front of Mew. ‘You’re Mew, The First Born, are you not?!’ Ho-Oh asked eagerly with a glint in his eyes.

‘Yes, I am! Pleased to meet you!’ she replied, still raising her voice.

‘You needn’t shout, little one. My ears hear just fine, thank you.’

Mew shrank inwardly. ‘Oh, I’m sorry.’

Ho-Oh swung a wing to the side, his eyes still kept on Mew. ‘Have you heard about me, little one?’

Mew opened her mouth to speak, but before she could answer he turned away from her and continued on. ‘Oh course you have, how else would you have known to come here?!’

Mew stared at him with a puzzled expression as she forced a nervous smile. What’s this guy’s deal?????

‘We all have stories to tell, each and every one of us! Please, allow me to tell you mine!’ He said, turning around to face her again. ‘My story began in a forest far far away from here. I was just a wee little bird pokemon, I don’t even remember what kind of bird I was! But you see, one day a great fire broke out in the forest, and many were in danger of losing their lives.’

Ho-Oh beat his wings again, sending colorful flames around. ‘It was a devastating event, and back then I knew I had to do something. So, I went into the flames, rescuing anyone I could from fiery torment. Alas, I grew exhausted during my last dive, and was swallowed up by the flames. That should have been the end of my story.’

Ho-Oh then suddenly went silent. Reluctantly, Mew asked, ‘What happened next?’

‘I do not know. All I know is that I was suddenly the pokemon Man came to revere as Ho-Oh, and so Ho-Oh I became!’ He said with a cackle. ‘Anyway, what brings you here, Little Mew?’

Mew closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then she gave him a stern gaze. ‘I was told to come to you, and that you could help me with something.’

‘Who told you to come to me?’

‘That’s not important,’ Mew replied, fearing mentioning Xerneas would cause him to go in another tangent.

‘Is that so?’ he replied, seemingly unbothered. ‘So what did you come here for?’

Mew then placed Kuki between them, and unraveled her in a similar fashion as when she met Xerneas before.

Ho-Oh cocked his head to the side, pointing at the body with a wing. ‘That’s a human… and the flames of her soul have died out for a bit of time now. I can tell.’

‘Yes, they have,’ Mew replied matter of factly. ‘I want you to bring her back to life. Can you do it?’

‘Can I do it? WHO DO YOU THINK STANDS BEFORE YOU?!’ Ho-Oh replied, spreading his wings wide. ‘I am Ho-Oh, the phoenix pokemon. I can most certainly bring a human back to life. In fact, those brought back with my flames always return superior than they were in their previous life!’

Mew smiled, Ho-Oh’s radiance reflecting off her eyes. ‘So, you’ll do it then?!’

‘Indeed I can and I will, if that is what you seek.’ Ho-Oh then looked at Mew, swerved his head to both sides, then looked back at Mew again. ‘Where are the sacrifices?’

Mew jerked back at that response. ‘S-sacrifices?!’

‘Well, of course. You need a live sacrifice in order to bring back the dead, at least through my method. A life for a life, a soul for a soul. That’s how it goes, is it not?’

It was at that moment that Mew recalled Xerneas’ warning to her earlier, and she felt her body growing numb as she trembled.

‘Here’s my suggestion. You should go and round up a few humans who were closely related to this girl either by blood or preferably by the bonds they shared with her. The closer the person was to this girl, the smoother things will go,’ Ho-Oh explained nonchalantly.

‘She had no relatives… her human mother died back then…’ Mew said, biting her lip.

‘Really, then I guess this complicates things. Even my Suicune, Entei and Raikou came to being because their human care takers, who were on the brink of death themselves mind you, sacrificed their lives to have them be revived.’ Ho-Oh then glanced at Suicune, who sat behind them with his eyes closed. ‘Thanks to that, I have three reliable allies I can count on.’

Ho-Oh noticed that Mew wasn’t speaking, and her gaze was fixated on the girl in front of her. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, did this human girl mean anything to you?’

Mew looked up at him slowly, a stream of tears running down her face. ‘She meant everything to me, but it’s over now. Even Xerneas couldn’t help me…’

‘Xerneas?! So she’s the one who sent you to me. That makes sense, because this girl looks diseased. She would indeed have been through a horrible experience if Xerneas had been the one to resurrect her.’

Is it really over? Do I have to truly give up on bringing her back now? I guess I could at least give her a proper burial and then go back to living on my own… A lump formed in her throat. Why do I have to be alone? What have I even achieved all these years I’ve lived? They call me the first born and other names like that yet all I’m known for is pulling pranks and petty mischief for my own amusement. What legacy do I have now that I’ve lost you, Kuki? Without you, my emptiness will only hurt more than before. I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I want to keep being with you, Kuki. I… I know what I must do.

Mew remained silent, prompting Ho-Oh to tilt his head. ‘So, what do you want to do now?’

‘You should use me…’

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘You said the sacrifice needs to be someone she was close to, right? I raised her as my own from infanthood, so my bond with her is strong. Use me to revive her!’

‘I refuse,’ Ho-Oh replied flatly.

Mew narrowed her brows, her muzzle crinkling. ‘What?’

‘I’m sorry to have to say this, but I cannot sacrifice the life of the first born for a mere human. Your existence is essential in this world Mew, even lower pokemons inherently understand that,’ he explained with a shrug.

‘I don’t care! Just do it!’ Mew barked, the stone tiles around her shattering when she sent a shockwave of psychic energy. When Mew realized what she did, she heaved a sigh as she tried to calm herself. ‘Please, there has to be another way, right?’

Ho-Oh stared at her with wide eyes, then he softened his expression. Just then, an idea popped in his mind. He brought up his wing to his beak as he began to speak, ‘What if we were to reverse the order?’

As Mew stared at him quizzically, Ho-Oh elaborated further. ‘Instead of using your lifeforce to bring this girl back as a human, I instead use both your body and soul to bring her back… as a mew.’

‘You’re saying you’ll turn her into me?’

‘I won’t turn her into you, but someone of your likeness. You two will fuse in body and soul, but her consciousness will prevail while yours disappears by the end of the procedure.’ Ho-Oh then smiled. ‘Yes… a mew being born from my power, and her abilities may even surpass yours exponentially if we do it my way! This idea is simply preposterous! But I’d be a fool to let a chance like this slip by!’

Mew didn’t understand most of his ramblings. All her mind picked up from that was that a path had opened before her, and there was a way to save Kuki. That was more than enough. She stroked the girl’s hair as she smiled. Hang in there just a little longer, Kuki.

‘Before I begin the procedure, I want to ask you one last time: Are you sure you want to go through with this? It’s not too late to turn back. Even if this girl is dead, more humans will always be born and more will always die. You can always pick another human if you want to—’

‘No,’ Mew interjected. ‘Kuki is the only human for me.’

She lowered her head and kissed Kuki on the forehead. ‘I’m ready. Let’s do it.’

Ho-Oh nodded in affirmation. He took a deep breath and soared into the air. A brilliant streak of colors trailed behind him as he flew in a circle around them. He then stopped above them, drew his head back and shot a whirlpool of purple flames which encircled Mew and Kuki.

Shortly after the flames engulfed them, Mew crawled up next to Kuki. She watched in awe as the blue pigments on Kuki’s skin began to fade away, restoring her skin to perfect state. Shortly after that, both of their bodies began to crumble away into ash, drifting upwards the sacred flames.

Mew curled up on top of Kuki, taking a deep breath as she cleared her mind. This is where my story ends, Kuki. At least for you, it’ll be a new beginning.

While Suicune was watching the fiery display, he suddenly felt an overwhelming shiver run down his spine. His eyes widened as he wondered what it was all about.

The revival process took about half an hour to complete. Later on, Ho-Oh descended with a thud, taking deep breaths as he recovered his energy. ‘Phew, that took a lot out of me. Mew’s life force was more immense than I had anticipated, but the deed is done!’

A giant glowing violet sphere hovered over where Kuki and Mew once were. It spun clockwise in rapid acceleration, almost like a neutron star.

‘Is this what happened when you revived us?’ Suicune asked, walking up to his master’s side in case his assistance was needed.

‘A bit like that, but your spheres were much smaller!’ Ho-Oh said with a cackle.

‘I see…’

‘Did you feel the shiver right before the process was complete?’

‘I did feel a shudder.’

‘Every pokemon must have felt it, myself included. That’s what it feels like when Mew dies. Let your body remember it.’

‘That’s interesting.’

‘Now watch, as she emerges!’

The sphere’s hue changed to indigo as it shrunk smaller, a bell chime emitting from it. Each time the color changed, the sphere decelerated. The process repeated as it went from blue, green, yellow, orange, red and then white. When it had reached its final phase, the shape of a mew began to form.

A few moments later, the shape solidified and the light coating dissipated into the air, leaving behind a blue mew curled up in a fetal position.

‘It was a success! Come now, child, open your eyes so that I may speak to you!’ Ho-Oh declared, spreading his wings in excitement.

The mew didn’t open her eyes, nor did she move an inch from her position. In a sudden turn of events, she flashed in white glow and vanished without a trace.

‘What?!’ Suicune asked, bewildered.

‘She teleported…’ Ho-Oh said, matter of factly.

‘Where… to?’

‘I do not know the answer to that! But fear not, my Suicune. The ashes of my sacred flames are still fresh on her and you too can sense her for the time being. Go, Suicune! Go and bring her back to me!’

With that order, Suicune darted out of the scene, his senses pointing him towards the ocean.

Meanwhile back at the valley, Xerneas watched the night sky as a falling star flew by. She heaved a sigh and looked down with a solemn expression. ‘So, you have done it, First born. Whatever happens now rest on that girl’s shoulders. Will she be prepared for what is to come?’

 

[Equitial]

Review for Chapters 1-2


First of all, you do a great job packing your chapters full of content. This is especially evident with the first chapter, which is very well done. Negrek’s review basically said all I wanted. It's really impressive how you crammed so much in: Mew and Kuki's relationship, the illness, and such an interesting ending. I cannot overstate was precious Mew and Kuki's relationship was. You did not have a lot of time to establish that, so great job.

You also do well in the second chapter, getting more into Mew's head and introducing more legendary characters. You state a lot about how the Legendaries work without it feeling overbearing (except for Ho-Oh's rambling, of course). There are a bunch of good details that make the Legendaries and the world feel fleshed out, like Xerneas's comment about reincarnation.

I think you did well with Mew since she’ll be dead for the rest of the story. There’s only so much you could have done to show how she changed while raising Kuki, since it doesn’t happen on-screen, but with Xerneas’s reaction you portrayed it decently. Even without that, I liked Mew’s reaction when she offered to sacrifice herself. That would have brought emotion even if we didn’t know about Mew’s character development.

For the other characters, Ho-Oh, Suicune, and Xerneas, I don’t yet know how important they’ll all be, except Suicune and Ho-Oh are definitely appearing again. I liked the way you portrayed Legendaries. They come across as long-lived, divine beings while still being down to earth and distinct. It’s a hard balance to strike; a lot of works go too far in either direction.This is one of the best depictions I’ve seen.

In general, I think your writing is good, but I noticed one big issue which occurred frequently in both chapters. You're doing well with clearly trying to show rather than just state characters’ emotions/motives, but sometimes you go on to unsubtly state the emotion or motive anyway, often through dialogue.

Mew gasped, her ears propping up in alert. ‘Oh no! I have to do something.’

Mew's dialogue here is unnatural and unneeded. Why would Mew say she needs to do something rather than just doing it, as she proceeds to do? It comes across like you don't trust the reader to figure out what would be going on in Mew's head. Just leaving Mew's reaction would have gotten across all that was needed.

Ho-oh stared at her with wide eyes, then he softened his expression. Even someone like him felt pity for Mew in her current.

You're missing the last word in the second sentence, but you don't need it anyway. You do well with depicting how the characters feel with expressions, but then sometimes you just go ahead and outright state it anyway. And again, it's not as though your writing is terrible - you are depicting the emotion. You're very close to getting it right, it just appears like you're trying to shake some bad habits?

Moving on, here are some minor typos and nitpicks I noticed:

She spent a bit of time just watching, her eyes drained of all life as she stared at water water pouring down the sink before she rinsed her mouth and spat out the blood.

You say water twice.

The room was empty when she left the bathroom, though it wasn’t like she expected to find anyone else besides Mew in it.

The sudden thought of Kuki not expecting anyone besides Mew is weird. Why would she think that...?

What? Kuki never leaves her bed messy like this when she wakes up. She always tidied up on her own, thought Mew, her heart beginning to drum.

This comes right after Mew noticing the scent of blood and vomit. Surely, those would be more concerning than an unmade bed.

Mew smiled wryly at Xerneas, then she bowed her head. ‘Please, just hear me out at least!’

This description of Mew just seems out of place. Mew is grieving and desperate to revive Kuki. Why is she smiling and finding humor?

Whether she’s reborn as a human, pokemon or even not as a female entirely, you’ll still be able to recognize her at a glance from her aura.’

The mention that Kuki might not be reincarnated as the same sex is weird. Surely, species overshadows that.

Ho-ohs way of resurrection usually comes at a price.

You missed an apostrophe, and the proper capitalization is Ho-Oh. You mis-capitalize Ho-Oh for the rest of the chapter as well.

The air was so thin that even a mountain climber wouldn’t be able to reach farther without an oxygen tank, but that was hardly a problem for Mew who had taken the form of an alolan ninetales.

Alolan should be capitalized.

Every once in a while, she’d stop to take a look around to make sure she was going the right way, before darting off again once she’s reoriented her path.

Tense issue.

‘So, you have done it, first born.

Before, you capitalized First Born, as least when it was used to directly refer to Mew. You didn't a few times prior, but those were all phrased as "a first born" so that could be intentional.

 

[Persephone]

Hmm. So I’m not sure how much I have to say. I liked both parts well enough, although I thought the latter was the weaker of the two.

I think some of the dialogue in the second chapter could benefit from context description. These are gods. They’re allowed to be a little dramatic, especially when xerneas is telling Mew off.

One thing I’m curious about is why Kuki has to be dying of blue skin patches or whatever. Cancer does the trick fine and doesn’t take me out of the story for a moment when I find out about it.

I thought the death scene was well done. There may have been to many “about to die” tropes (just a cough, promise, family photo) leading up to it that they stopped having much impact around the third obvious signaling. Maybe cut out one or two of those.

otherwise it’s pretty good. I’ll probably keep reading.

 

[Adamhuarts]

Thanks so much for reading my story, Perse!

I think some of the dialogue in the second chapter could benefit from context description. These are gods. They’re allowed to be a little dramatic, especially when xerneas is telling Mew off.

Ah, my bad on that. I'd figured that elaborating too much on what they do, even though most of them will have a minimal presence in the story moving forward would be unnecessary. Perhaps I left some things a bit too vague, so I'll take note of that.

One thing I’m curious about is why Kuki has to be dying of blue skin patches or whatever. Cancer does the trick fine and doesn’t take me out of the story for a moment when I find out about it.

Thinking back now, this is probably one of the things I should've done away with from the previous adaptation if I'm being honest. I'm still debating whether or not to retcon it to something else like cancer as you said, but I think I'd leave it as it is for now at least.

I thought the death scene was well done. There may have been to many “about to die” tropes (just a cough, promise, family photo) leading up to it that they stopped having much impact around the third obvious signaling. Maybe cut out one or two of those.

Heh, I suppose I wasn't being all that subtle about that huh. FeelsBadMan

otherwise it’s pretty good. I’ll probably keep reading.

I'm glad to hear you'll keep reading. It really means a lot to me. I'll try my best to make the future chapters better and worthwhile.

 

[Persephone]

"he let k go" should be fixed

I'm curious how long Mewtwo has been around. Long enough that he has memories of "all those years ago." He's also worse than his animated/live action counterpart by a fair bit.

Unless he’s pretty young I would expect Mewtwo to at least recognize a Johto legendary since the regions are connected.

There’s one point in part A where you refer to Mew in past tense a lot (I.E. mew was a psychic type) when Kuki doesn’t know that she’s dead. Relatedly, maybe she should be a little more confused by the successor language.

I did like this chapter. I’ll check in eventually when you post more.

 

[Equitial]

Review for Chapter 3

Finally, I can get to the newest chapter of this fic. I think it turned out well. :)

For the most part, despite Kuki’s confusion, I found the first half of this chapter super cute on a surface level. I liked Kuki’s slow realization she didn’t have a human form; then her figuring out how to move gave me a lot of funny mental images, hah. She was so frickin adorable though the whole thing. Of course, as I read, I remembered what had happened in the previous chapter. When Kuki learns how she got into this body it will be rough.

I loved the sudden tone shift when Mewtwo appeared. I also loved Mewtwo, though I am completely biased because I have always and will always be a total fangirl for him. I love reformed Mewtwo, I love angry hermit Mewtwo, and, yes, I love evil Mewtwo.

I probably should have expected Mewtwo to show up since this is a fic centering around Mew which also has a lot of Legendaries, but his arrival took me by complete surprise, then I realized he’s a villain! I look forward to seeing what you continue to do with him. His evilness here was great!

However, I did have an issue with the battle between Suicune and Mewtwo. With Pokémon being supernatural energy beings and all that, it can be difficult to convey how much damage they’re actually taking during fight scenes. I could tell by Mewtwo being smug and evading most hits that he had that upper hand, but if not for context surrounding the fight I would be clueless. I wasn’t sure if Suicune actually got hurt in the battle or if he brushed off attacks, just guessing he wouldn’t do well in a long-term fight. You might want to describe Pokémon sustaining injuries or at least feeling pain to make things more clear.

However, Kuki didn’t feel herself falling. She slowly opened her eyes, finding herself hovering in air where the branch once was. She gasped as she grasped what was happening. “Wait, I did it! I’m floating just like Mew! I don’t know how I did it, but who cares? !”
Kuki giggled as she began to flip around and push herself from tree to tree

I merely say, aw so #$!@ing adorable!!!!! I loved the whole bit of her getting scared into flying.

Mew would have the answers to all those questions, she figured. All she had to do was wait for her to come and everything would be fine like always.

RIP

For a moment she’d forgotten how high up she’d been, shrieking as gravity pulled her towards the ground. She managed to keep herself hovering just a few inches before impact.
“That was a close one,” she said with a relieved sigh. Then she fell with a splat into the mud anyway. “Gosh darn it!”

Adorable and I laughed.

Kuki smiled triumphantly at her achievement. “Alright, I’ve definitely cracked this one! Heheh, you’re so awesome, Kuki. Nothing can stop me now!"

SOMEONE STOP HER THE GIRL’S TOO PRECIOUS.

‘I won’t allow you to harm her any fur—’ As he was speaking, Mewtwo appeared right beside him, reaching his hand toward Kuki.

I really like this moment. Shows how focused Mewtwo is.

Now, for nitpick-y stuff and typos, I have:

Kuki's pupils dilated and she began hyperventilating

Describing pupils dilating is weirdly technical, like it belongs in a textbook.

She could see the clouds getting darker as they approached, which left her feeling anxious.

There's a big drop in emotion stating, especially impressive considering so much of this chapter is Kuki by herself, but still there are moments like these. Generally, when you write "[character] felt [so-and-so]" or "feeling [whatever]", that's a red flag. Readers can inter what characters are feeling based on context; you don't need to describe everything.

She was particularly interested in the giant volcano that towered over everything in the distance.

I feel like something as notable as a giant volcano should get more note in the narration than just mentioning there’s a giant volcano.

Everything else was free game.

The usual term is “fair game”.

Kuki’s face paled.

Her face is covered with fur.

*I don’t know what you are, Kuki, but I know you likely have something to do with Mew. Once I’ve fully dissected you, I’ll have figured out all there is to know about you. You might even prove useful to me as a pawn.*

This is a bit much, I think. Unless Mewtwo is purposefully trying to rile up Kuki (who I’m pretty sure is unconscious), a step too far into cartoon-ish.

I don’t know how I did it, but who cares? !”

An extra space.

Still, it took everything out of her, he thought.

You went too far with the italics here.

 

[Namohysip]

(Chapters 1 and 2)

I guess it’s finally time I take a look at this story, and what a start you went for. Given that you’re setting things up in the first chapter, I’m not really surprised to see that Kuki comes back to an extent by the end of chapter 2 after dying in the first one, but I think it’s an interesting way you went about it. I think the first thing I should point out is that you did a pretty good job at depicting the bond that Mew and Kuki shared with one another for as little time we had to see them. Unfortunately, both due to how compressed it was, as well as some of the things I’ll mention below, I think some of it fell flat.

So, the first thing, your pacing on this is blazing. It’s very clear that you wanted to get right to Kuki waking up as a Mew as fast as possible, because the amount of ground covered—particularly in chapter 2—felt like it could have or perhaps should have been stretched out into at least two chapters. But I suppose that’s not really the point of the premise; I just feel that the impact of the sacrifice was lost specifically because the story starts here.

This actually leads me to another one of my little head-scratching moments. I don’t know if I missed the detail, or anything along those lines, but if Mew had raised Kuki as an orphan, why was she hesitant to see a doctor about her strange condition? I missed that, especially since Mew had already said she started to trust humans—and certainly trusted them enough to go out of her way to raise one. Second, the Enigma Berries, said to be the cure for the disease, was something that had been obtained on the day she died? After a whole year, she gets it just then? The coincidence, and the amount of delay in getting them, came off as contrived for the sake of drama.

I think another issue that I had that ties into the pacing of everything, or at least the placement of the starting point, is something that is lampshaded by other eternal characters like Xerneas and Ho-Oh, but isn’t really… property addressed by Mew or the narrative. An eons-old being like Mew, where 3000 years is considered to be a drop in the bucket, is willing to sacrifice her identity for the sake of reviving a 13 year old human girl, and not only that, but turn her into the next Mew in the process.

That, combined with the fact that her being the new Mew would have huge, sweeping implications for the very balance of the world, and Ho-Oh and Xerneas are just going along with it, comes off as hugely irresponsible. I don’t understand why they would stand so passively for this. I just… am having a lot of trouble buying this premise because of the timeline involved. Having some sort of buildup would have made it a lot more believable, but even then, on the face of it, dealing with immortals and mortals in this way without any prior context

Still, a shaky premise doesn’t mean the actual story once the initial pieces are set up would be a problem. Now that Kuki woke up as a shiny Mew, I’m curious on what the actual story is going to be now that the premise is through, as well as what the premise will mean, or perhaps how it will be resolved, now that the story proper can begin.

 

[kintsugi]

Oh, this fic is really sweet, and then everyone's dead. One of those days.

I think you nail the character interactions between Mew and Kuki. If you're going to commit to introducing and then killing off half your cast in the first chapter, you gotta sell us on their lives before one of them is dead, and you do that really well here! It's kind of a delicate balance to thread between compassion and cheesiness and "why is Mew looking after this kid in the first place", and you do really well.

‘Well if you’re feeling up to it again some other time, we can make some of these ‘origamis’ together!’ Mew said, throwing her fist in the air. ‘If we look at the instructions together I’m sure we’ll make them out!’

This was my favorite line, just saying. Mew is best mom; most cheerful; most support; amaze.

Jokes aside, I do love the little visual gags you have here with Mew transforming into tons of different things to help Kuki out -- whether it's playing, or defending her from other Pokemon. It's a great use of Mew's powerset and adds a little more flavortext to this world that you're developing in broad strokes, and it adds a bit of whimsy/fun! Which is always great, especially in a fic that straddles the line between playful and not.

Pacingwise, I'm of two minds. It's hard to critique this not-knowing what's going to happen after chapter 2, obviously, so feel free to smack this down -- but you could pretty much build an entire fic with the contents of this one chapter. I think you're pretty convincing at selling me on Mew and Kuki's relationship here, but at the same time it does feel like there's a bit too much to try to flash through in this one chapter. First they play, then Kuki is sick, then they play, and then Kuki is dead. For me I think it's the tone shift/unshift that has to happen to walk us through those events; you end up having to cram a lot of emotions into this chapter and then alternating back and forth between them. I'd personally read an entire fic of these two making origami, but even if you didn't want that, I think you end up trying to fit a bit too much into this chapter.

And there are a few ways to address this -- one is to add way more chapters and stretch out the action a bit. Maybe have one chapter for the diagnosis, one chapter for the playing that ends on death. The other way is just to cut out the amount of information that you try to fit here -- for instance, with the entire doctor scene, Lobelia syndrome is a fictional disease, so it's not like having 300 words explaining that it kills people dead is much more informative to me than 30.

It's up to you though! I feel like the first chapter as you have it is perfectly fine; it just feels like a lot when I try to read through it and the main character just lives and dies. That being said, I really loved the micro-level of the fic, and the details that you intersperse into the world. I saw that this fic is on hiatus but I actually read it aaaaages ago and never dropped a review, so I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed the premise and character interactions here and I hope you're able to fix whatever hangups you had on this!