Pokémon Stray

[ShiniGojira]

Hi there, Orion! Hope you're having a great day! I finally decided to pick this up and give it a read through the first 3 chapters.

A bit of an off topic thought here since it's not necessarily involved with the story but it does talk about what I think about grimdark as a whole.

Spoiler: Don't wanna clog the place up since this is huge

So as far as I could remember, I've never read a single grimdark fic or story ever. Mostly because I'm not usually interested or I thought it'd be too gritty and gorey for me (I'm more of a 'light-hearted adventure filled with small bits of deep thoughts sprinkled around' kinda guy. I do enjoy a good dark story though, think it makes a good way to spice things up.) Anyway, I'd always thought grimdark meant extra angst on top of extreme gore (Which again another side note, is a part of your fic). So I'm kinda surprised it didn't really get into the extremely disturbing side of humanity (Well other than racism of course), no doubt there'd be more darker things going on in the future of this fic, but I'm pleasantly surprised by how normal this fic felt to me (Hm, I think my perceptions of how dark something can be is a little twisted since I've read way too many dark as hell things when I was young)

Anyway with that little tangent done with, here's the main course you've been waiting for:

Starting off with the first chapter and already we get some blood and screaming, not too bad. (Reading way too many M-rated fics as an idiotic child can make you get use to the screaming) Then we're introduced to Orion, the main star of the show (And your name!). He's a badass, battle-hardened former-gladiator that had seen some things in his life (I have a character like that too!... except she's less edgy and more snarky instead) The scar on his body seems to be important to something, seeing as you drew attention to it about twice (or was it three times?) so far. I'm guessing the scar has something to do with his old cult? Maybe he was supposed to be some kind of sacrifice? Experiment? A trafficking victim maybe? Or is he the reanimated corpse of the burnt-alive Absol cub?

Anyway, moving on from Orion. We get some kind of shadowy figure, perhaps this dead deity that Orion's supposedly talking to? Then it talks about how everything is gonna die, and that Orion is the chosen one (with a catch to spice things up). Everything is all up to Orion and if he fails, the whole world is doomed and stuff. Typical prophecy-type things. Always an interesting trope, can't wait to see how you utilize it. (I'm expecting lots of death, gore, angst and bonding in between)

Then after realising it was all just a dream and he has to find a magical McGuffin, we get treated to a female Pidgeot getting chased and our first Shadow Pokémon. Your interpretation of Shadow Pokémon is a bit interesting in how it dies, getting turned to ash and dusted like it'd been Thanos'd. (I'm not quite knowledgeable about Shadow Pokémon other than the basic 'It's corrupted and evil!' so I can't really say much about them)

Anyway, Chapter 2 starts with the battalion struggling and nearly losing to the horde of Shadow. Then, our local badass jumps in, bargains with the captain and single-handedly turns the tides for the peacekeeper. During this chapter, we get some racism talk from a Croagunk, which by the way love how everyone knows he's a total dick but they have to deal with him regardless because he's a good soldier, a naïve and 'wishes to make daddy proud' Wartortle who also wants to help people and inspire others (Always a good thing to do, no matter what), and I know we're gonna get more of him later on (if only to traumatise him to the 'real world' of course).

Then the battle scene happens, and it was great. I think you captured the hopelessness and distress in the early parts really well. Orion comes in and do what all badasses do: kick some ass, look good while doing so, and having the knowledge that no one else knows about.

Chapter 3 happens and we get some backstory from our edge lord, Hesh does some digging, Croagunk guy bashes on Orion with more comments, Tulio talks about rumors of Absol and how they are hated because of their 'bad luck', typical Absol hate here.

Also here's some line-by-line thoughts:

Pillars of smoke rose from the burning field and fed into the monstrous, muddy sky. Screams erupted from the nearby Pokémon village as dark creatures poured through the gates. The stench of ashes lingered.

Already starting with screams and death... Lovely.

A shadowy figure hovered.

A Shadow Pokémon?

“Alas, you are far too weak,” the dark figure said. “The Mark must fall under the possession of one who can persist through hardship after hardship. Should you carry this burden, there is no turning back. You must see your task through all the way to the bitter end. The forces governing this world will attempt to stop you. You must not fail.”

Oh wait, nevermind. Just a random deity.

“Basil, why!?” she wept, her claws dragging against the dirt. “I loved you! You don’t have to do this! Please, don’t kill me! No, Basil! Basil!”

When she disappeared into the village, the Absol hurried after her. His heart stopped. The Nidorina’s final agonized scream pierced through the crackle of the flames.

Damn, that was dark.

The Liepard ceased, its legs growing flaccid, its bloodshot eyes dimming. Its black aura grew in size like a hungry flame and consumed its host.

The fur, the skin, the flesh, the blood and the bones. Slowly, all reduced to

The Liepard has been Thanos'd.

A Shadow Nidorino slipped through the debris.

Is that the same Nidorino from his dream?

Even worse, an Absol.

Let the discrimination begin!

Where did this Absol come from? And why did the others fear him? Hesh had a weird gut feeling that he shouldn’t find the answers. But he wanted to know more. He wanted to know how he could fight like a true soldier.

Just like his father.

A daddy boy, isn't he?

Hesh followed the Absol’s voice and looked upon the Shadow Rhydon. He wasn’t sure what else he could do, so he spewed out a stream of water at the enormous beast. The Shadow Rhydon howled in pain and turned towards the Wartortle.

“Oh shit, what have I done?” Hesh whispered, stumbling backwards to distance himself from his massive foe.

It's war. You signed up for this.

“I didn’t think one more soldier would make a difference, but you were something out there. Where’d you learn to fight like that?”

This reminded me of a quote I've read but I'm not quite sure what it is. (Though the general message was that 'a great soldier can win a battle while a great commander can win the war', it was something along those lines)

The Simisage tapped out the burnt remains inside his pipe. “There was a huge Shadow invasion at the time and much of the military had to be away on missions. But rather than taking responsibility for their poor decisions, the Sol Council decided to make this Absol child the supposed ‘culprit’ who summoned the Shadows to Lusang. He was just conveniently there, ripe for exploitation. There was no actual evidence.” He clasped his hands together. “They wouldn’t even let the child speak to defend himself. They... burned the poor thing alive…”

Damn. This is like the witch trial all over again.

“Have you heard about what happened with the Sacred Swords?”

The Swords of Justice?

You see, he’s an officer in the Peacekeepers. He didn’t approve at first, but decided that it might open up opportunities for me. Then a month of some physical training. And here I am, already out on the field. And I almost died today.”

Up to this point, I thought his dad was dead.

“I honestly feel bad for him. I don’t think even he has anything good to say about himself. He has no one to rely on. I wonder how he survived out here. What he’s even fighting for.”

For survival.

The Wartortle stared at the campfire. He could imagine a smaller Absol burning in it, based on the Simisage’s story: a small cub screaming as his skin melted off. Who could watch such a monstrous act and be okay with it?

Early-century humans.

For some reason, Hesh felt responsible. Even if he was not involved in these events, he felt like he caused pain to someone who didn’t deserve

Congrats, Hesh. You're an empath.

“This has been one hell of a day.”

Definitely.

So overall, pretty good stuff here. Would love to pick this up again when I get the time.

So take care of yourself, Orion and I wish you luck in escaping editing hell!

 

[The Walrein]

Crossposting from the Bulbagarden forums.

Hello Orion! I enjoyed the discussions we had on Discord about PMD warfare, so I've been meaning to get around to Stray for a while now. Without further ado, I'll dive into some line reactions:

Pillars of smoke rose from the burning field and fed into the monstrous, muddy sky.

In what way is the sky 'monstrous'? It's not an adjective that normally gets applied to the sky, so I can't quite picture what it's supposed to look like.

With his sickle-shaped horn upright, the Absol shambled toward the figure, whose body morphed into a more distinct shape. Two arms sprouted, giving it the appearance of a floating torso. The smog-like body developed a featureless face.

Hmm... is this Darkrai?

The wind grazed over the amber-colored field, and silvery clouds lingered with bits of sunlight peeking through the pockets.

The phrase 'grazed over' sounds weird to me. I'd suggest removing the 'over'.

“Approaching me with that of all things,” he said. He grimaced as his head continued to throb. “What am I supposed to do? Where do I even look? My lord, in case you haven’t noticed, I have nothing!”

I thought it interesting that Orion considers Darkrai (or whoever it was) to be his 'lord'. For whatever reason, you don't see many PMD protagonists in explicit service to a god or legendary, but it's a dynamic that has a lot of potential.

The Absol jerked his head toward the direction of the squawking voice. A Pidgeotto fluttered her wings and glided past him. Pursuing her was a Liepard coated with a black aura.

I do have to wonder why the Pidgeotto can't just fly higher than the Liepard's reach - did Orion arrive right as she was taking off from the ground?

“My company!” she answered. “Are you perhaps a mercenary? The Shadows are about to overwhelm them! Please, you must help us! We need anyone who can lend us their strength!”

Hmm. Is there any reason she'd assume Orion is a mercenary, besides wishful thinking?

The Pidgeotto sighed in relief. “Then, follow me. Hurry!” She took off, sailing across the sky in the direction of the Peacekeepers’ stronghold.

Likewise, the Absol broke off into a sprint, observing the distant Shadows gathering like a swarm of Beedrills.

The new horde thundered across the plains.

It was a little unclear to me if the first horde of shadows attacking the fortress has been dealt with at this point, since it was described as 'massive' and not much time has passed since then.

***

So, I'm feeling a little mixed about this chapter. I think it does get a lot of the basic premise across - the protagonist is informed that the world is falling to pieces and he needs to find a magical artifact, hordes of shadow Pokemon are besieging the land - but at the same time, I think we could've gotten more details, such as what Orion's previous relationship to Darkrai(?) was, or perhaps some information about the Peacekeepers - why did Orion expect that they wouldn't need help to handle two massive hordes? Another place might be the encounter with the shadow Liepard - chapter 2 describes the Shadows as 'covered in lacerations, avulsions, and cysts', but the Liepard doesn't get any description of how it looks different from a normal Liepard other than that it has a 'black aura'. I think describing the grotesque nature of the shadows while Orion is close up to one would've been a natural place for it, and it could've added a bit of spice to an encounter which ends pretty quickly. Also, I'm not sure why Orion's name was held back in this chapter - I think this decision would've made sense if you were starting with chapter 2, where he's not a viewpoint character, but in this chapter he is the POV character, and I think giving us his name could've allowed for a bit more connection with him.

I've already read ahead a bit to chapter 2, and I'm interested to see how you'll be handling mass combat, so I'll try to swing by this again later. Feel free to message me on Discord if you want to talk about the chapter more, and I hope your writing's going well.

 

[The Walrein]

Crossposting again.

Alright, moving on to chapter 2!

The white rain smothered the bleak meadow.

A bit nitpicky, but I'm unsure why the rain would be white. Is there some phenomenon that's causing this?

The pounding of feet an arena’s distance away.

I'm not sure how long a typical arena is in this setting, so this description isn't very helpful. Seems like it could range anywhere from 20 feet to 300 feet depending on if you're talking about something more like a boxing ring or an (American) football field.

The captain checked the stab wound. “Seems like the poison is ineffective this time." He tapped the Wartortle on the shoulder. "Watch yourself. You may not be as lucky next time.”

How can Berg tell if Hesh got poisoned or not just by looking at the wound? Even a very minor-looking injury is enough to inject venom.

“Is the captain insane?” a Croagunk muttered. “That so-called mercenary is an Absol.”

Javil gave an inquisitive look. “A creature said to bring bad luck wherever it goes?”

“Aye, but not just any one. That one fits the description of a particular outlaw.”

It seems like this bit about Orion matching the description of a specific outlaw gets dropped for quite a while; just searching for "outlaw", the next time it appears is in chapter 7. You'd think that if Geris wanted to get Orion kicked out of the company, he'd try approaching the captain with this fact at some point sooner.

“Oh, you bet. But they were supposedly extinguished by the Shadows years ago. To see one walking about now is a bad sign.”

“What do you think it’s doing here?” asked Javil.

“No doubt planning to sabotage us. In fact, he could be one of the Uncivilized for all we know. Maybe in cahoots with the Shadows. I’d say we hightail it out of here before it has a chance to—”

Hmm. If the Shadows are believed to be the cause of the Absol's extinction, I wonder where the idea that they could be working with the Shadows comes from.

“Go!” the captain shouted, swinging his massive arms at his approaching opponents.

The woods filled with dozens of individual brawls, the bellows of soldier and beast alike, and the overwhelming scent of sweat and blood. The Shadows bit, clawed, slashed and stabbed without restraint. One by one, the inexperienced Peacekeepers dropped to the muddy ground and watched their blood spill over.

I'm confused about why battles are taking place in the woods now, as I thought the horde was attacking the Peacekeeper company at the palisade wall, which was some distance away from the forest. Did a bunch of Peacekeepers just charge out of their cover to attack? If so, why?

***

I think this chapter could've benefitted from more description. First, I was confused as to whether the peacekeeper company were holding positions within a small fortress, which was serving to defend a nearby town, or if they were actually within a town that had been surrounded by short wooden stockades. At some parts it seemed to suggest that if any Shadows got past the line of Peacekeepers, they'd be immediately in a position to attack the village next, suggesting the latter, but in Chapter 1 it referred to the Peacekeeper's position as a 'palisade stronghold', which made me think the former, and then when Captain Berg's talking to Orion, he says that his mission is to keep the Shadows out of the 'nearby town', rather than just 'outside the town walls'.

Regarding the Shadows, I think some description of the exact composition and numbers of their forces could've painted a much clearer picture of what was going on. It seemed like the hordes were composed of multiple species, but I wasn't sure if they were entirely ground-based for some reason, or if there were flying Pokemon among them that just weren't mentioned. Also, are the faster-moving Shadows holding back to stay in a larger group, or are they just charging ahead, and this is the cause of them coming in multiple waves? Additionally, I think it would've been helpful to state their numbers in more exact terms than just 'hordes' - at the very least, by what ratio they outnumbered the Peacekeepers, given that there's multiple groups of them, all described as 'hordes' or 'a larger force', but some of which are small enough to have half or more of their members wiped out in a single volley, while others aren't. I'm also confused as to how the final group that attacked could've been a surprise, given that it seemed like the terrain was relatively flat and the Peacekeepers have flying scouts.

The defenses of the village/fortress could've also been described better - I wasn't certain if the Peacekeepers were standing on raised platforms behind the palisades and shooting down, firing between gaps in the wall, or what. Also, unsure if the wall got completely destroyed at some point and this was the reason for the fighting shifting to the woods.

On the positive side, I do think you set up a bit of intrigue about the history of the Absol nicely, and I thought your description of the small-scale fighting between Hesh, Orion, and the Rhydon was much easier to understand than the larger situation. As always, feel free to message me on Discord or send a forum PM if you want to talk more about the review.