Pokémon Trading Card Game 2: Doduo Adventures (Old Version)

[ShiniGojira]

Hello! Finally here after like a whole month of nothing! Really sorry for how long this took, I'll try and see if I can make the next review come a bit faster. But anyway, without further ado!

Summary of Chp 7:

Mr Nameless and the Queen go on to search for the King and as the title implies, they reunite with a bunch of people Mr Nameless met before. Namely, the dozens of gals out MC met and honestly, I didn't really notice how many girls he met and 'seduce' until Mint joked about it. Kinda funny really.

Anyway, after meeting with ex water fortress leader lady, they go to the fire fortress and after a round of teasing, eventually find the King with the three insane council people.

Mr Nameless duels Seth and gets absolutely trounced like a scrub and finally, he decides to change his deck after getting rekt again by another random gal. I find it kinda funny that this pro gamer would just not change his deck even after this long. Like, damn I get that you shouldn't fix what ain't broke but like, maybe switch up your strategy a bit before people start learning and figuring out counters. Though I guess expecting these people to be... not such an eccentric bunch would be a tall task.

Review of Chp 7:

It was a fun read. Though Mint's joking about him seducing Ellen and Kara was a bit iffy, not because I hate it but mostly because the execution of it kinda makes Mint sorta oblivious or insensitive, I guess? I don't quite know how to describe it really. It's just that reading her saying he's seducing another woman despite the clear indication and visual of Ellen looking like a kid just kinda makes her look blind, I guess? I think the joke would've landed better if she joked about taking him to prison or something.

Oh and another gripe I had with this, and apologies if I'm just misremembering. But why isn't Mr Nameless just explaining the whole shebang about Axel with Mint? Like last chapter, he says it's because they don't have time but like this chapter specifically shows that they walked around a lot and not once, did Mr Nameless bring up the Axel incident to justify what happened.

Again though, I could just be misremembering and maybe he did explain it to her last chapter and I just forgot. But it really does make like this whole 'not explaining' thing make like no sense when they're spending likely hours just travelling and not constantly dueling.

Anyway, aside from all that, reading his and Seth's duel was interesting. I'm not super into the card game and stuff but like damn, Seth's deck is pretty much like an energy/power absorber, huh? Makes me wonder how a deck like that could even be beaten if you literally can't attack.

And also learning that Seth was the guy who kidnapped him was cool. Though the mention of him being the leader is a bit odd since the prologue mentions him responding to a higher-up so I'm assuming he's either not the leader of the kidnapper was someone else with a similar deck, possibly a minion, apprentice or a clone.

Now, let's get on to my line-by-line comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

"Brooke, leader of the GR water fortress??"

This should be capitalized as it's a name

I glanced to see that Mint turned around on the log and Doduo was... running on the ocean?

This sentence is worded a little weirdly.
"I glanced back to see Mint turning around and Doduo..." This should be a bit better.

Well! Fancy meeting you here Mr Gentleman!"

Needs a comma here

Its been so relaxing

Should be "it's"

At the news of this development I could not help but imagine the hours upon hours of water

Missing a comma

Just knowing that situation and that I need not return there filled me with optimism!

Lol Undertale reference.

With the ambiance of the ocean mood now thoroughly soured

Misspelled 'ambience'

I thought the life of a hero would have some measure of status and importance! Not… whatever this is!

Shh... Mr Nameless, your media illiteracy is showing. Don't you know a hero having girls fawning for him for no reason is like the most cliché and common trope in all of fiction?

Side eyes practically every trashy isekai

As we journey continued I explained to Mint it was best to first pay a visit to the GR Fire Fortress in case the King was there. She agreed.

'we' should be 'our', also needs a comma between these. Also 'She agreed' should probably be in a new paragraph or mixed into the previous sentence since it feels a little out of place back there.

The journey there relatively uneventful and I soon found myself back in the GR Fire Fortress.

Missing a 'was' here

Also woohoo! No more lawsuits for GR FF leader for the heat strokes!

He was apparently working up quite a sweat with the cleaning and I noticed his work uniform had no fans installed.

'a' should be 'the'.

I... Apologies if I'm misremembering things but exactly how does someone install 'fans' into clothes? Is it like Mabel's weird lightbulb sweater from Gravity Falls and he had to lug around a generator or battery to keep it powered on or something weird sci-fi tech? Also did Bernard have fans in his previous clothes 'cause I don't remember.

As we continued I

Missing a comma

Mr gentleman! Its so good to see you!

Should be "it's"

As we walked, Mint managed to work another jab in "Yet another woman I see? And this one you led through the halls? I am I seeing a pattern here Mr Gentleman?"

An extra 'I' snuck in there.

Ugh, Mint, please do not make jokes about him seducing a minor, it comes off as gross rather than endearing.

But on the other hand, if you do wanna make a joke about it. I think you should make Mint joke about calling the cops or something rather than saying he's outright seducing Ellen since it kinda comes off as uncomfy and weird since I'm pretty sure Mint can see that Ellen is a literal child.

The only pattern you will be seeing soon is that of causing baldness to my head should these attacks continue my lady!

Missing a comma

One of the benefits of having low intelligence is the inability to detect patronage. Unfortunately that was an inability I lacked...

Daaamn, I didn't know Mr Nameless can roast people like that.

Also missing a comma

Finally we arrived at the leader’s room and the moment we entered, Kara immediately jumped up with a big smile on her face "Mr Gentleman!"

Missing a comma and punctuation for the tag.

She then broke into a run and tackled me with a full hug.

And I'm just realising that Mr Nameless really did meet a lot of gals in his journey. Damn, he's really living the life of an oblivious adventurer harem protagonist lol

Erm! Yes! It is great to see you too Kara!"

Comma

Every time I come to work and its not boiling-hot, I

"It's" here

It's too bad I cant stay longer but I'll be sure to visit you again sometime!"

Missing an apostrophe

hear Kara as we were leaving. "Oooh! Ok! Please come back and see me again Mr! I love you~!"

Aw, Kara is so adorable pure

I now focused grimly on moving ahead quickly, trying in-vain to ignore the malicious aura I could now feel exuding from Mint... Not that there was any TRUTH behind Mint's unspoken and baseless accusations! But the truth clearly held NO value here...

Lol, Mint is so bipolar, man.

How does Ellen avoid all its feathers? Is she wearing anti-Doudo-feather-clothes or something??

Well, obviously, it's because you're not a little girl... meaning in order to get your Doduo's affection, you must become the greatest ultimate magical girl using that black box!

The foe just goes around casually admitting who he is?! No.. that can't be right! He was crafty enough to trick the Ghostmasters and to seal them in their own fort! There must be more afoot here than would seem..

To be fair, Mr Nameless. I don't think people in GR island are 'smart'. Doubly so for the 'type apecialist'

I'm getting nowhere with this reasoning.. For

Double period here

I proceeded to think back to what Heidi said:

A bit of advice here. Most of the time when you write sentences like these, it's best to be blunt and short instead of adding extra phrases. This sentence here can be written as 'I thought back to what...' instead of 'I proceeded to...' as they both convey the same meaning but the first one reads a bit better and takes up less time to read.

I put my hand to my chin. The foe just goes around casually admitting who he is?! No.. that can't be right! He was crafty enough to trick the Ghostmasters and to seal them in their own fort! There must be more afoot here than would seem...

The likely answer; the foe is misdirecting. However, the fact that the only organized religion on the island is that of the colorless altar and that it is colorless must mean it has ties to the cult of Lugia since that is also colorless... With Seth parading around that he is the foe of the Ghostmasters, it must be someone else.

That leaves Avery and Alan. Avery wore the ridiculous Pikachu cap and if he is the foe trying to throw off the scent, that would make him the likely candidate. Of course, if the foe follows all of that logic, (which he very well may!) then that would make the likely candidate Alan! But if the foe follows that logic as well, then all of this logic is circular and pointless!

I'm getting nowhere with this reasoning.. For now it seems the only course of action is for me to forge ahead and wait for him to reveal himself, but it never hurts to be observant either...

Oh and these paragraphs here have been constantly switching back and forth from present to past tense.

the 4 of them were just finishing card duels with one

'4' should be in written form

I've had more than enough embarrassments lately!

Tense change

"Of course my liege."

Comma

I nodded. "Good information! You have my thanks!"

Sounds a bit weird for him to shout 'Good information'. I think it's fine if you just have him say thank you instead

Of course my friend! Speaking of requests, you know I have been looking t

Comma

Seth needed not go through so much much for his request. I will duel him."

Double 'much'

Lets have some fun dueling shall we?

Apostrophe and comma

With the modifications complete I gestured to Seth.

Comma

It would soon become a struggle for Energy as he removed all of my energy by the forth turn with energy already stacked to four on Kangaskhan.

Missing a 'his' and also I think you need to capitalize the 'energy' since your first 'Energy' was in capitals.

Either that or make the first 'Energy' uncapitalized

Well played sir."

Comma

Whats more is that he now knows I am looking to study the carvings and has measured the strength of my deck!

Apostrophe

"Very well I look forward to it!"

Period

I've never seen you duel before, so I stole glances of your game as it went, but it looked like it went as poor as possible!

Should be 'poorly'

she was simultaneously attempted to cheer me up and bother me at the same time.

Should be 'attempting'

"I see. Trying to hog all the improvement to yourself Mint?"

Comma

At this Mint's jaw dropped. "I am most certainly NOT fighting on your account! FINE duel her for all I care!!"

Comma and exclamation mark

Ok it won again, but lets play a few more, if you accept?"

Comma and Apostrophe

Perhaps you should give thought to making another deck Mr. Gentleman?" She opened her eyes as she looked at me.

Comma

Some time passed and soon my modifications for my second deck were now complete!

Should remove 'now' since you already have 'soon' depicting the time

And with that she took her leave.

Comma

---

I naturally turned the direction of the tap only to find no one standing there! I then turned the other direction only to see Min-

Missing a 'to' her

And that should be it. It was a fine read and I hope you'll have a great rest of your day!

 

[133TFR33k]

Hello! Finally here after like a whole month of nothing! Really sorry for how long this took, I'll try and see if I can make the next review come a bit faster. But anyway, without further ado!

Hey, Shini! Nice to see the next review come in!

I know you have been busy writing and probably recharging from it too, I would imagine. No worries on the delay.

Summary of Chp 7:

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Mr Nameless and the Queen go on to search for the King and as the title implies, they reunite with a bunch of people Mr Nameless met before. Namely, the dozens of gals out MC met and honestly, I didn't really notice how many girls he met and 'seduce' until Mint joked about it. Kinda funny really.

I didn't realize it either until I was writing it lol...

Anyway, after meeting with ex water fortress leader lady, they go to the fire fortress and after a round of teasing, eventually find the King with the three insane council people.

Henceforth, they are dubbed the three insane council people!

Mr Nameless duels Seth and gets absolutely trounced like a scrub and finally, he decides to change his deck after getting rekt again by another random gal. I find it kinda funny that this pro gamer would just not change his deck even after this long. Like, damn I get that you shouldn't fix what ain't broke but like, maybe switch up your strategy a bit before people start learning and figuring out counters.

That's exactly it. It wasn't broke until it needed fixing. So he built a new one.

The real reason is that mid let's-play I realized the new deck was actually BETTER! Since I wanted to play with the best common deck I could, I switched to it.

Though I guess expecting these people to be... not such an eccentric bunch would be a tall task.

Yes, they are quite eccentric.

Review of Chp 7:

It was a fun read. Though Mint's joking about him seducing Ellen and Kara was a bit iffy, not because I hate it but mostly because the execution of it kinda makes Mint sorta oblivious or insensitive, I guess?

So, Ellen is thought by Mister Gentleman to be age 24. Mister Gentleman is a perfect judge of age (for no real reason other than it's convenient to me as the author). So, Ellen despite how young her picture may make her look, can be considered age 24.

I added a line to the chapter to remind the readers of Ellen's age.

Kara is most definitely a minor though.

For Mint, it was all fun and games until it got to Kara since Kara is a minor.

I don't quite know how to describe it really. It's just that reading her saying he's seducing another woman despite the clear indication and visual of Ellen looking like a kid just kinda makes her look blind, I guess? I think the joke would've landed better if she joked about taking him to prison or something.

Understandable since you were under the impression Ellen was a kid. Her pixel art made her look potentially 24 to me, but maybe other people think she looks more like 12. I don't know. Regardless, the protagonist says she is 24, so that's what she is.

Oh and another gripe I had with this, and apologies if I'm just misremembering. But why isn't Mr Nameless just explaining the whole shebang about Axel with Mint? Like last chapter, he says it's because they don't have time but like this chapter specifically shows that they walked around a lot and not once, did Mr Nameless bring up the Axel incident to justify what happened.

So, you are misremembering on this, but no worries! He had explained to Mint that he was unable to properly explain but would be able to if she comes with him. Due to the craziness of the plot, he doesn't think Mint would believe him if he tried to tell her. So, instead he decides to show her. But to show her, he needs to go on the fetch quest first. Hence his reason that she accompany him.

I went back to the previous chapter to add a bit where he is thinking to himself that trying to reveal the truth to her here would just make her think he was lying. Hopefully that will make it a bit more concrete and memorable for other readers.

Again though, I could just be misremembering and maybe he did explain it to her last chapter and I just forgot. But it really does make like this whole 'not explaining' thing make like no sense when they're spending likely hours just travelling and not constantly dueling.

Understandable it would bother you since it was based on what you thought was lack of enough time to explain it when it was actually lack of proper credibility to explain it until later.

Anyway, aside from all that, reading his and Seth's duel was interesting. I'm not super into the card game and stuff but like damn, Seth's deck is pretty much like an energy/power absorber, huh? Makes me wonder how a deck like that could even be beaten if you literally can't attack.

Energy removal is one of the most powerful strategies in the game. I personally think it makes Seth's deck one of the strongest AI decks in the game as a result.

And also learning that Seth was the guy who kidnapped him was cool.

Thanks! I love dropping plot points along like bread crumbs leading to loafs of plot bread later.

Though the mention of him being the leader is a bit odd since the prologue mentions him responding to a higher-up so I'm assuming he's either not the leader of the kidnapper was someone else with a similar deck, possibly a minion, apprentice or a clone.

SOMEONE remembered the 'Mission Report' section from the prologue! (or at least went back to read it again. Reading it again is probably better since it has even more information that will come up later)

Correct. His kidnapper reports to someone higher.

Now, let's get on to my line-by-line comments:

This should be capitalized as it's a name

This sentence is worded a little weirdly.
"I glanced back to see Mint turning around and Doduo..." This should be a bit better.

Needs a comma here

Should be "it's"

Missing a comma

Lol Undertale reference.

Yes! You got it!

Misspelled 'ambience'

Shh... Mr Nameless, your media illiteracy is showing. Don't you know a hero having girls fawning for him for no reason is like the most cliché and common trope in all of fiction?

Side eyes practically every trashy isekai

He is very media illiterate. Spent way too much time trying to improve at the Pokemon TCG instead of watching shows or reading works of fiction.

'we' should be 'our', also needs a comma between these. Also 'She agreed' should probably be in a new paragraph or mixed into the previous sentence since it feels a little out of place back there.

Missing a 'was' here

Also woohoo! No more lawsuits for GR FF leader for the heat strokes!

'a' should be 'the'.

I... Apologies if I'm misremembering things but exactly how does someone install 'fans' into clothes? Is it like Mabel's weird lightbulb sweater from Gravity Falls and he had to lug around a generator or battery to keep it powered on or something weird sci-fi tech? Also did Bernard have fans in his previous clothes 'cause I don't remember.

Original encounter with Bernard had him in his high-tech cooling suit equipped with fans and some kind of cold liquid that circulated through it in tubes. Basically its a glorified AC suit.

Missing a comma

Should be "it's"

An extra 'I' snuck in there.

Ugh, Mint, please do not make jokes about him seducing a minor, it comes off as gross rather than endearing.

But on the other hand, if you do wanna make a joke about it. I think you should make Mint joke about calling the cops or something rather than saying he's outright seducing Ellen since it kinda comes off as uncomfy and weird since I'm pretty sure Mint can see that Ellen is a literal child.

As previously mentioned, Ellen is 24, so that should fix this.

Missing a comma

Daaamn, I didn't know Mr Nameless can roast people like that.

Probably the most complicated sentence he has in the whole fic lol

Also missing a comma

Missing a comma and punctuation for the tag.

And I'm just realising that Mr Nameless really did meet a lot of gals in his journey. Damn, he's really living the life of an oblivious adventurer harem protagonist lol

He's a lucky guy like that. Especially if he gets a girlfriend out of it.

Comma

"It's" here

Missing an apostrophe

Aw, Kara is so adorable pure

I'm glad you like her. I have big plans for her...

Lol, Mint is so bipolar, man.

Yep, that she be.

Well, obviously, it's because you're not a little girl... meaning in order to get your Doduo's affection, you must become the greatest ultimate magical girl using that black box!

Except she is 24, so NOW what is the explanation HMMM??

To be fair, Mr Nameless. I don't think people in GR island are 'smart'. Doubly so for the 'type apecialist'

Certainly not smart enough to get good enough at the Pokemon TCG to stop Mr Nameless from beating them with all commons...

Double period here

A bit of advice here. Most of the time when you write sentences like these, it's best to be blunt and short instead of adding extra phrases. This sentence here can be written as 'I thought back to what...' instead of 'I proceeded to...' as they both convey the same meaning but the first one reads a bit better and takes up less time to read.

Yeah that one slipped by the editing process. Totally agree with you here. I went and fixed it. Thanks!

Oh and these paragraphs here have been constantly switching back and forth from present to past tense.

Ugh... yeah when I tense slip I tense slip, fall, break, crash, and burn. I went back and fixed like 20 of them or something.

'4' should be in written form

Tense change

Comma

Sounds a bit weird for him to shout 'Good information'. I think it's fine if you just have him say thank you instead

Comma

Double 'much'

Apostrophe and comma

Comma

Missing a 'his' and also I think you need to capitalize the 'energy' since your first 'Energy' was in capitals.

Either that or make the first 'Energy' uncapitalized

Comma

Apostrophe

Period

Should be 'poorly'

Should be 'attempting'

Comma

Comma and exclamation mark

Comma and Apostrophe

Comma

Should remove 'now' since you already have 'soon' depicting the time

Comma

---

Missing a 'to' her

And that should be it. It was a fine read and I hope you'll have a great rest of your day!

So many grammar spelling comma issues. Thanks for picking them out! I went and fixed them all.

Always nice to see a new review from you too. Thanks again!

 

[ShiniGojira]

So, Ellen is thought by Mister Gentleman to be age 24. Mister Gentleman is a perfect judge of age (for no real reason other than it's convenient to me as the author). So, Ellen despite how young her picture may make her look, can be considered age 24.

Huh, that recontextualizes the whole thing for me then. Like damn, that sorta implies that her childhood is either so bad or she's like super sheltered to the point that she's still childlike even at the age of 24.

So, you are misremembering on this, but no worries! He had explained to Mint that he was unable to properly explain but would be able to if she comes with him. Due to the craziness of the plot, he doesn't think Mint would believe him if he tried to tell her. So, instead he decides to show her. But to show her, he needs to go on the fetch quest first. Hence his reason that she accompany him.

Ah, I guess that makes more sense.

Except she is 24, so NOW what is the explanation HMMM??

To reiterate on my crackpot theory with this new crucial information, it's obviously because she's a Dodrio in disguise! That's how she's able to tame the Doduo, it's because she's their superior!

On a more serious note, I know this gag is probably just a gag but it would be really funny if there actually is something up with her taming Doduo aside from Doduo feeling bad for her. Like since the multiverse exist, what if she was secretly transported from another universe (maybe the anime?) as a baby and through magic trainer instincts, she can tame Doduo? I think that'd be a really goofy but fun thing if it was true lol.

 

[133TFR33k]

Huh, that recontextualizes the whole thing for me then. Like damn, that sorta implies that her childhood is either so bad or she's like super sheltered to the point that she's still childlike even at the age of 24.

She just seems younger because Doduo is like a cute animal and she already had some fun experiences with Doduo. Hard to see her differently since Doduo is always around the Gentleman. Perhaps there will be more on her character later if she is not around Doduo...

To reiterate on my crackpot theory with this new crucial information, it's obviously because she's a Dodrio in disguise! That's how she's able to tame the Doduo, it's because she's their superior!

Wow you guessed it!!

(kidding )

On a more serious note, I know this gag is probably just a gag but it would be really funny if there actually is something up with her taming Doduo aside from Doduo feeling bad for her. Like since the multiverse exist, what if she was secretly transported from another universe (maybe the anime?) as a baby and through magic trainer instincts, she can tame Doduo? I think that'd be a really goofy but fun thing if it was true lol.

Alright, I'll throw you a bone on this. There IS a reason for her affinity with Doduo and/or Doduo's affinity with her beyond just her nearly suffering from heat stroke last time. Also, I like the way you think.