Pokémon Trading Card Game 2: Doduo Adventures (Old Version)

[ShiniGojira]

Hello! Finally here after like a whole month of nothing! Really sorry for how long this took, I'll try and see if I can make the next review come a bit faster. But anyway, without further ado!

Summary of Chp 7:

Mr Nameless and the Queen go on to search for the King and as the title implies, they reunite with a bunch of people Mr Nameless met before. Namely, the dozens of gals out MC met and honestly, I didn't really notice how many girls he met and 'seduce' until Mint joked about it. Kinda funny really.

Anyway, after meeting with ex water fortress leader lady, they go to the fire fortress and after a round of teasing, eventually find the King with the three insane council people.

Mr Nameless duels Seth and gets absolutely trounced like a scrub and finally, he decides to change his deck after getting rekt again by another random gal. I find it kinda funny that this pro gamer would just not change his deck even after this long. Like, damn I get that you shouldn't fix what ain't broke but like, maybe switch up your strategy a bit before people start learning and figuring out counters. Though I guess expecting these people to be... not such an eccentric bunch would be a tall task.

Review of Chp 7:

It was a fun read. Though Mint's joking about him seducing Ellen and Kara was a bit iffy, not because I hate it but mostly because the execution of it kinda makes Mint sorta oblivious or insensitive, I guess? I don't quite know how to describe it really. It's just that reading her saying he's seducing another woman despite the clear indication and visual of Ellen looking like a kid just kinda makes her look blind, I guess? I think the joke would've landed better if she joked about taking him to prison or something.

Oh and another gripe I had with this, and apologies if I'm just misremembering. But why isn't Mr Nameless just explaining the whole shebang about Axel with Mint? Like last chapter, he says it's because they don't have time but like this chapter specifically shows that they walked around a lot and not once, did Mr Nameless bring up the Axel incident to justify what happened.

Again though, I could just be misremembering and maybe he did explain it to her last chapter and I just forgot. But it really does make like this whole 'not explaining' thing make like no sense when they're spending likely hours just travelling and not constantly dueling.

Anyway, aside from all that, reading his and Seth's duel was interesting. I'm not super into the card game and stuff but like damn, Seth's deck is pretty much like an energy/power absorber, huh? Makes me wonder how a deck like that could even be beaten if you literally can't attack.

And also learning that Seth was the guy who kidnapped him was cool. Though the mention of him being the leader is a bit odd since the prologue mentions him responding to a higher-up so I'm assuming he's either not the leader of the kidnapper was someone else with a similar deck, possibly a minion, apprentice or a clone.

Now, let's get on to my line-by-line comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

"Brooke, leader of the GR water fortress??"

This should be capitalized as it's a name

I glanced to see that Mint turned around on the log and Doduo was... running on the ocean?

This sentence is worded a little weirdly.
"I glanced back to see Mint turning around and Doduo..." This should be a bit better.

Well! Fancy meeting you here Mr Gentleman!"

Needs a comma here

Its been so relaxing

Should be "it's"

At the news of this development I could not help but imagine the hours upon hours of water

Missing a comma

Just knowing that situation and that I need not return there filled me with optimism!

Lol Undertale reference.

With the ambiance of the ocean mood now thoroughly soured

Misspelled 'ambience'

I thought the life of a hero would have some measure of status and importance! Not… whatever this is!

Shh... Mr Nameless, your media illiteracy is showing. Don't you know a hero having girls fawning for him for no reason is like the most cliché and common trope in all of fiction?

Side eyes practically every trashy isekai

As we journey continued I explained to Mint it was best to first pay a visit to the GR Fire Fortress in case the King was there. She agreed.

'we' should be 'our', also needs a comma between these. Also 'She agreed' should probably be in a new paragraph or mixed into the previous sentence since it feels a little out of place back there.

The journey there relatively uneventful and I soon found myself back in the GR Fire Fortress.

Missing a 'was' here

Also woohoo! No more lawsuits for GR FF leader for the heat strokes!

He was apparently working up quite a sweat with the cleaning and I noticed his work uniform had no fans installed.

'a' should be 'the'.

I... Apologies if I'm misremembering things but exactly how does someone install 'fans' into clothes? Is it like Mabel's weird lightbulb sweater from Gravity Falls and he had to lug around a generator or battery to keep it powered on or something weird sci-fi tech? Also did Bernard have fans in his previous clothes 'cause I don't remember.

As we continued I

Missing a comma

Mr gentleman! Its so good to see you!

Should be "it's"

As we walked, Mint managed to work another jab in "Yet another woman I see? And this one you led through the halls? I am I seeing a pattern here Mr Gentleman?"

An extra 'I' snuck in there.

Ugh, Mint, please do not make jokes about him seducing a minor, it comes off as gross rather than endearing.

But on the other hand, if you do wanna make a joke about it. I think you should make Mint joke about calling the cops or something rather than saying he's outright seducing Ellen since it kinda comes off as uncomfy and weird since I'm pretty sure Mint can see that Ellen is a literal child.

The only pattern you will be seeing soon is that of causing baldness to my head should these attacks continue my lady!

Missing a comma

One of the benefits of having low intelligence is the inability to detect patronage. Unfortunately that was an inability I lacked...

Daaamn, I didn't know Mr Nameless can roast people like that.

Also missing a comma

Finally we arrived at the leader’s room and the moment we entered, Kara immediately jumped up with a big smile on her face "Mr Gentleman!"

Missing a comma and punctuation for the tag.

She then broke into a run and tackled me with a full hug.

And I'm just realising that Mr Nameless really did meet a lot of gals in his journey. Damn, he's really living the life of an oblivious adventurer harem protagonist lol

Erm! Yes! It is great to see you too Kara!"

Comma

Every time I come to work and its not boiling-hot, I

"It's" here

It's too bad I cant stay longer but I'll be sure to visit you again sometime!"

Missing an apostrophe

hear Kara as we were leaving. "Oooh! Ok! Please come back and see me again Mr! I love you~!"

Aw, Kara is so adorable pure

I now focused grimly on moving ahead quickly, trying in-vain to ignore the malicious aura I could now feel exuding from Mint... Not that there was any TRUTH behind Mint's unspoken and baseless accusations! But the truth clearly held NO value here...

Lol, Mint is so bipolar, man.

How does Ellen avoid all its feathers? Is she wearing anti-Doudo-feather-clothes or something??

Well, obviously, it's because you're not a little girl... meaning in order to get your Doduo's affection, you must become the greatest ultimate magical girl using that black box!

The foe just goes around casually admitting who he is?! No.. that can't be right! He was crafty enough to trick the Ghostmasters and to seal them in their own fort! There must be more afoot here than would seem..

To be fair, Mr Nameless. I don't think people in GR island are 'smart'. Doubly so for the 'type apecialist'

I'm getting nowhere with this reasoning.. For

Double period here

I proceeded to think back to what Heidi said:

A bit of advice here. Most of the time when you write sentences like these, it's best to be blunt and short instead of adding extra phrases. This sentence here can be written as 'I thought back to what...' instead of 'I proceeded to...' as they both convey the same meaning but the first one reads a bit better and takes up less time to read.

I put my hand to my chin. The foe just goes around casually admitting who he is?! No.. that can't be right! He was crafty enough to trick the Ghostmasters and to seal them in their own fort! There must be more afoot here than would seem...

The likely answer; the foe is misdirecting. However, the fact that the only organized religion on the island is that of the colorless altar and that it is colorless must mean it has ties to the cult of Lugia since that is also colorless... With Seth parading around that he is the foe of the Ghostmasters, it must be someone else.

That leaves Avery and Alan. Avery wore the ridiculous Pikachu cap and if he is the foe trying to throw off the scent, that would make him the likely candidate. Of course, if the foe follows all of that logic, (which he very well may!) then that would make the likely candidate Alan! But if the foe follows that logic as well, then all of this logic is circular and pointless!

I'm getting nowhere with this reasoning.. For now it seems the only course of action is for me to forge ahead and wait for him to reveal himself, but it never hurts to be observant either...

Oh and these paragraphs here have been constantly switching back and forth from present to past tense.

the 4 of them were just finishing card duels with one

'4' should be in written form

I've had more than enough embarrassments lately!

Tense change

"Of course my liege."

Comma

I nodded. "Good information! You have my thanks!"

Sounds a bit weird for him to shout 'Good information'. I think it's fine if you just have him say thank you instead

Of course my friend! Speaking of requests, you know I have been looking t

Comma

Seth needed not go through so much much for his request. I will duel him."

Double 'much'

Lets have some fun dueling shall we?

Apostrophe and comma

With the modifications complete I gestured to Seth.

Comma

It would soon become a struggle for Energy as he removed all of my energy by the forth turn with energy already stacked to four on Kangaskhan.

Missing a 'his' and also I think you need to capitalize the 'energy' since your first 'Energy' was in capitals.

Either that or make the first 'Energy' uncapitalized

Well played sir."

Comma

Whats more is that he now knows I am looking to study the carvings and has measured the strength of my deck!

Apostrophe

"Very well I look forward to it!"

Period

I've never seen you duel before, so I stole glances of your game as it went, but it looked like it went as poor as possible!

Should be 'poorly'

she was simultaneously attempted to cheer me up and bother me at the same time.

Should be 'attempting'

"I see. Trying to hog all the improvement to yourself Mint?"

Comma

At this Mint's jaw dropped. "I am most certainly NOT fighting on your account! FINE duel her for all I care!!"

Comma and exclamation mark

Ok it won again, but lets play a few more, if you accept?"

Comma and Apostrophe

Perhaps you should give thought to making another deck Mr. Gentleman?" She opened her eyes as she looked at me.

Comma

Some time passed and soon my modifications for my second deck were now complete!

Should remove 'now' since you already have 'soon' depicting the time

And with that she took her leave.

Comma

---

I naturally turned the direction of the tap only to find no one standing there! I then turned the other direction only to see Min-

Missing a 'to' her

And that should be it. It was a fine read and I hope you'll have a great rest of your day!

 

[Tango]

Hello! Finally here after like a whole month of nothing! Really sorry for how long this took, I'll try and see if I can make the next review come a bit faster. But anyway, without further ado!

Hey, Shini! Nice to see the next review come in!

I know you have been busy writing and probably recharging from it too, I would imagine. No worries on the delay.

Summary of Chp 7:

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Mr Nameless and the Queen go on to search for the King and as the title implies, they reunite with a bunch of people Mr Nameless met before. Namely, the dozens of gals out MC met and honestly, I didn't really notice how many girls he met and 'seduce' until Mint joked about it. Kinda funny really.

I didn't realize it either until I was writing it lol...

Anyway, after meeting with ex water fortress leader lady, they go to the fire fortress and after a round of teasing, eventually find the King with the three insane council people.

Henceforth, they are dubbed the three insane council people!

Mr Nameless duels Seth and gets absolutely trounced like a scrub and finally, he decides to change his deck after getting rekt again by another random gal. I find it kinda funny that this pro gamer would just not change his deck even after this long. Like, damn I get that you shouldn't fix what ain't broke but like, maybe switch up your strategy a bit before people start learning and figuring out counters.

That's exactly it. It wasn't broke until it needed fixing. So he built a new one.

The real reason is that mid let's-play I realized the new deck was actually BETTER! Since I wanted to play with the best common deck I could, I switched to it.

Though I guess expecting these people to be... not such an eccentric bunch would be a tall task.

Yes, they are quite eccentric.

Review of Chp 7:

It was a fun read. Though Mint's joking about him seducing Ellen and Kara was a bit iffy, not because I hate it but mostly because the execution of it kinda makes Mint sorta oblivious or insensitive, I guess?

So, Ellen is thought by Mister Gentleman to be age 24. Mister Gentleman is a perfect judge of age (for no real reason other than it's convenient to me as the author). So, Ellen despite how young her picture may make her look, can be considered age 24.

I added a line to the chapter to remind the readers of Ellen's age.

Kara is most definitely a minor though.

For Mint, it was all fun and games until it got to Kara since Kara is a minor.

I don't quite know how to describe it really. It's just that reading her saying he's seducing another woman despite the clear indication and visual of Ellen looking like a kid just kinda makes her look blind, I guess? I think the joke would've landed better if she joked about taking him to prison or something.

Understandable since you were under the impression Ellen was a kid. Her pixel art made her look potentially 24 to me, but maybe other people think she looks more like 12. I don't know. Regardless, the protagonist says she is 24, so that's what she is.

Oh and another gripe I had with this, and apologies if I'm just misremembering. But why isn't Mr Nameless just explaining the whole shebang about Axel with Mint? Like last chapter, he says it's because they don't have time but like this chapter specifically shows that they walked around a lot and not once, did Mr Nameless bring up the Axel incident to justify what happened.

So, you are misremembering on this, but no worries! He had explained to Mint that he was unable to properly explain but would be able to if she comes with him. Due to the craziness of the plot, he doesn't think Mint would believe him if he tried to tell her. So, instead he decides to show her. But to show her, he needs to go on the fetch quest first. Hence his reason that she accompany him.

I went back to the previous chapter to add a bit where he is thinking to himself that trying to reveal the truth to her here would just make her think he was lying. Hopefully that will make it a bit more concrete and memorable for other readers.

Again though, I could just be misremembering and maybe he did explain it to her last chapter and I just forgot. But it really does make like this whole 'not explaining' thing make like no sense when they're spending likely hours just travelling and not constantly dueling.

Understandable it would bother you since it was based on what you thought was lack of enough time to explain it when it was actually lack of proper credibility to explain it until later.

Anyway, aside from all that, reading his and Seth's duel was interesting. I'm not super into the card game and stuff but like damn, Seth's deck is pretty much like an energy/power absorber, huh? Makes me wonder how a deck like that could even be beaten if you literally can't attack.

Energy removal is one of the most powerful strategies in the game. I personally think it makes Seth's deck one of the strongest AI decks in the game as a result.

And also learning that Seth was the guy who kidnapped him was cool.

Thanks! I love dropping plot points along like bread crumbs leading to loafs of plot bread later.

Though the mention of him being the leader is a bit odd since the prologue mentions him responding to a higher-up so I'm assuming he's either not the leader of the kidnapper was someone else with a similar deck, possibly a minion, apprentice or a clone.

SOMEONE remembered the 'Mission Report' section from the prologue! (or at least went back to read it again. Reading it again is probably better since it has even more information that will come up later)

Correct. His kidnapper reports to someone higher.

Now, let's get on to my line-by-line comments:

This should be capitalized as it's a name

This sentence is worded a little weirdly.
"I glanced back to see Mint turning around and Doduo..." This should be a bit better.

Needs a comma here

Should be "it's"

Missing a comma

Lol Undertale reference.

Yes! You got it!

Misspelled 'ambience'

Shh... Mr Nameless, your media illiteracy is showing. Don't you know a hero having girls fawning for him for no reason is like the most cliché and common trope in all of fiction?

Side eyes practically every trashy isekai

He is very media illiterate. Spent way too much time trying to improve at the Pokemon TCG instead of watching shows or reading works of fiction.

'we' should be 'our', also needs a comma between these. Also 'She agreed' should probably be in a new paragraph or mixed into the previous sentence since it feels a little out of place back there.

Missing a 'was' here

Also woohoo! No more lawsuits for GR FF leader for the heat strokes!

'a' should be 'the'.

I... Apologies if I'm misremembering things but exactly how does someone install 'fans' into clothes? Is it like Mabel's weird lightbulb sweater from Gravity Falls and he had to lug around a generator or battery to keep it powered on or something weird sci-fi tech? Also did Bernard have fans in his previous clothes 'cause I don't remember.

Original encounter with Bernard had him in his high-tech cooling suit equipped with fans and some kind of cold liquid that circulated through it in tubes. Basically its a glorified AC suit.

Missing a comma

Should be "it's"

An extra 'I' snuck in there.

Ugh, Mint, please do not make jokes about him seducing a minor, it comes off as gross rather than endearing.

But on the other hand, if you do wanna make a joke about it. I think you should make Mint joke about calling the cops or something rather than saying he's outright seducing Ellen since it kinda comes off as uncomfy and weird since I'm pretty sure Mint can see that Ellen is a literal child.

As previously mentioned, Ellen is 24, so that should fix this.

Missing a comma

Daaamn, I didn't know Mr Nameless can roast people like that.

Probably the most complicated sentence he has in the whole fic lol

Also missing a comma

Missing a comma and punctuation for the tag.

And I'm just realising that Mr Nameless really did meet a lot of gals in his journey. Damn, he's really living the life of an oblivious adventurer harem protagonist lol

He's a lucky guy like that. Especially if he gets a girlfriend out of it.

Comma

"It's" here

Missing an apostrophe

Aw, Kara is so adorable pure

I'm glad you like her. I have big plans for her...

Lol, Mint is so bipolar, man.

Yep, that she be.

Well, obviously, it's because you're not a little girl... meaning in order to get your Doduo's affection, you must become the greatest ultimate magical girl using that black box!

Except she is 24, so NOW what is the explanation HMMM??

To be fair, Mr Nameless. I don't think people in GR island are 'smart'. Doubly so for the 'type apecialist'

Certainly not smart enough to get good enough at the Pokemon TCG to stop Mr Nameless from beating them with all commons...

Double period here

A bit of advice here. Most of the time when you write sentences like these, it's best to be blunt and short instead of adding extra phrases. This sentence here can be written as 'I thought back to what...' instead of 'I proceeded to...' as they both convey the same meaning but the first one reads a bit better and takes up less time to read.

Yeah that one slipped by the editing process. Totally agree with you here. I went and fixed it. Thanks!

Oh and these paragraphs here have been constantly switching back and forth from present to past tense.

Ugh... yeah when I tense slip I tense slip, fall, break, crash, and burn. I went back and fixed like 20 of them or something.

'4' should be in written form

Tense change

Comma

Sounds a bit weird for him to shout 'Good information'. I think it's fine if you just have him say thank you instead

Comma

Double 'much'

Apostrophe and comma

Comma

Missing a 'his' and also I think you need to capitalize the 'energy' since your first 'Energy' was in capitals.

Either that or make the first 'Energy' uncapitalized

Comma

Apostrophe

Period

Should be 'poorly'

Should be 'attempting'

Comma

Comma and exclamation mark

Comma and Apostrophe

Comma

Should remove 'now' since you already have 'soon' depicting the time

Comma

---

Missing a 'to' her

And that should be it. It was a fine read and I hope you'll have a great rest of your day!

So many grammar spelling comma issues. Thanks for picking them out! I went and fixed them all.

Always nice to see a new review from you too. Thanks again!

 

[ShiniGojira]

So, Ellen is thought by Mister Gentleman to be age 24. Mister Gentleman is a perfect judge of age (for no real reason other than it's convenient to me as the author). So, Ellen despite how young her picture may make her look, can be considered age 24.

Huh, that recontextualizes the whole thing for me then. Like damn, that sorta implies that her childhood is either so bad or she's like super sheltered to the point that she's still childlike even at the age of 24.

So, you are misremembering on this, but no worries! He had explained to Mint that he was unable to properly explain but would be able to if she comes with him. Due to the craziness of the plot, he doesn't think Mint would believe him if he tried to tell her. So, instead he decides to show her. But to show her, he needs to go on the fetch quest first. Hence his reason that she accompany him.

Ah, I guess that makes more sense.

Except she is 24, so NOW what is the explanation HMMM??

To reiterate on my crackpot theory with this new crucial information, it's obviously because she's a Dodrio in disguise! That's how she's able to tame the Doduo, it's because she's their superior!

On a more serious note, I know this gag is probably just a gag but it would be really funny if there actually is something up with her taming Doduo aside from Doduo feeling bad for her. Like since the multiverse exist, what if she was secretly transported from another universe (maybe the anime?) as a baby and through magic trainer instincts, she can tame Doduo? I think that'd be a really goofy but fun thing if it was true lol.

 

[Tango]

Huh, that recontextualizes the whole thing for me then. Like damn, that sorta implies that her childhood is either so bad or she's like super sheltered to the point that she's still childlike even at the age of 24.

She just seems younger because Doduo is like a cute animal and she already had some fun experiences with Doduo. Hard to see her differently since Doduo is always around the Gentleman. Perhaps there will be more on her character later if she is not around Doduo...

To reiterate on my crackpot theory with this new crucial information, it's obviously because she's a Dodrio in disguise! That's how she's able to tame the Doduo, it's because she's their superior!

Wow you guessed it!!

(kidding )

On a more serious note, I know this gag is probably just a gag but it would be really funny if there actually is something up with her taming Doduo aside from Doduo feeling bad for her. Like since the multiverse exist, what if she was secretly transported from another universe (maybe the anime?) as a baby and through magic trainer instincts, she can tame Doduo? I think that'd be a really goofy but fun thing if it was true lol.

Alright, I'll throw you a bone on this. There IS a reason for her affinity with Doduo and/or Doduo's affinity with her beyond just her nearly suffering from heat stroke last time. Also, I like the way you think.

 

[OpalHaze]

Wow hey Matt! Glad to see you pop in!

Card game blindness shouldn't matter too terribly much for the fic. I think you could enjoy it much more than you are thinking you might.

I'm glad the changes are to your liking so far!

I'm also working on a total overhaul revamp to my prologue which will split it into multiple parts (separate posts, chapters essentially). I'd definitely love some feedback on that at some point. Prologue revamp is not complete yet. It's not quite halfway done yet I think. I've only been working on it a week so far though and I haven't been dedicating 100% of my time to it, so it takes some time.The revamp sounds like a good way to expand on your ideas, kind of like how jenny mod gameplay changes things up to keep it fresh.

The revamp sounds like a good way to expand on your ideas and make the story flow more naturally.

 

[Tango]

The revamp sounds like a good way to expand on your ideas and make the story flow more naturally.

I think it has gone very well so far!

The new version is already posted and the link is in my signature below. I've written 23 chapters of it and have recently posted 12 of them. I believe it has 5 more chapters left to write and it will be done. The revamp turns the majority of the prologue into Book One. Book Two is the vast majority of the original which I will be working on a new thread for with some minor editing to have it mesh a little better with Book One.

Maybe pop in to Book One and give it a read? I'm always looking for feedback.

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hiya! Here to cash in on that Review Tag and also again, it's been a month, Hope you're having a nice day!

Quick summary of Chp 8:

Mr Nameless and Mint meet Ishihara who is apparently Bill the EVIL teleporting guy except it turns out he's not an evil guy at all. Just stupid. Anyway, Mr Nameless learns a bit of the black box and gets a Team Rocket card which is interesting, I wonder what it does. And they reunite with Bill again during the game center for some sneaking around, I think. What for, I'm not too sure.

Review of chapter 8:

Gotta say, I really did not expect to actually like Bill after this chapter. It's really cool that you've built up this whole image of him being a neglectful prick who only cares about bribes and money and it turns out that's not the case at all. I really enjoyed the last scene of him nerding out like a chunni, really cements him as one of my favourite characters funny enough.

I can't exactly say much has happened this chapter as it's more of a set up chapter I think, since Mr Nameless got the Black Box and made/got a new card. It is kinda ridiculous that a device like this is just out in the open though but I guess you can say the best way to hide something is in plain sight especially since not a lot of people in this world question these things.

So yeah, think that's all I have to say, let's move on to my line-by-line comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

As we approached the door it opened to reveal a man.

Comma

The home was simple in design with Stairs leading to a second level along the left wall.

Random capitalized 'Stairs'

There was a duel table in the middle what appeared to be high-quality comfy leather chairs.

Missing a 'with' here

Its not much, but please make yourselves comfortable."

Apostrophe

At this Timmy relented and waddled to the other side of the room to play with blocks.

Comma

"is Timmy here by chance related to Bill, good sir?"

Forgot to capitalize this word

He popped back out again with an awkward smile as he rubbed the back of his head. "Eh... I suppose it had to come out sooner or later. Bill is me or rather I am Bill. No... that's not it. Bill is a fake marketing personality! I am the actual CEO of Bill Incorporated and when employees refer to Bill they are in fact referring to me!"

Dun dun dun! What a fucking plot twist. I did not expect this at all!

She accepted the block thanking Timmy.

Comma

I used to love them having never set foot in one.

I think you're missing a word here, probably a 'despite'

I couldn't believe the direction this appeared to be going... is BILL of all people not the filthy-rich capitalistic scum I had assumed him to be?!

Apparently so, Mr Nameless! It seems like Bill's just a fucking idiot!

"Once I found out, I knew what I had to do. The first thing was to even out the winnings and get rid of the jackpots. I redesigned our systems to slowly pay out more money to the people than it took. With no more jackpots and most folks no longer going in the hole, my casino's started going in the red and I would slowly start closing them down.

Missing an end quotation mark

"Yes I think that would be great if you would!"

Comma

Bill noticed Timmy's interaction with Mint as he held his face in a hand grinning.

Comma

I was worth $700,000,000,000, so I was able to make a noticeable shift in gambling in our society.

700 trillion and you're just able to make a shift? Bruh, that's like worth the world's economy well over ten times, the fuck do you mean you can only make a noticeable shift?

Also missing an end quotation mark.

Mints crazy face at Timmy froze as she heard the dollar amount.

Missing an apostrophe. Also I think the 'dollar amount' should probably be his 'net worth' or something similar 'cause that just sounds weird.

: "I also dedicated enormous sums of money from the company to it as well. I got a bit overzealous with it all though and soon found myself having to navigate bankruptcy for the company. It was hard, but worth it, as Bill Incorporated now has an almost complete monopoly on casinos and gambling devices!"

How in the fuck are you going backrupt with 700 trillion dollars? Oh my god, this guy's horrible at financial managing. Like even spending a million dollars a day wouldn't make a dent in his pocket for almost 2000 years.

Its not like I inherently deserve it though! Plenty of people work harder than I do and don't have even a fraction of the wealth I had. I say had because I've caused myself to struggle a bit on purpose because I know my company caused even greater struggles to others! For the rest of my life, I've made it my mission to help all those I have wronged and prevent others from falling down the same hole!"

... Okay, for all my gripes about his idiocy in financial management. At least, he's an actual good guy, I can respect that no matter how much I'm banging my head at how he wasted hundreds of trillions in like a couple months.

Also missing an apostrophe

Besides, if people are getting a little more winning's, that's ok. Casino's need to die."

Casino has a random apostrophe

Apparently he was so used to them that they no longer registered to his ears as noise.

Comma

Still, if the king has slot machines installed, its only a matter of time until he increases the scale of the operation.

Apostrophe

These are copies of the original's.

'Original' doesn't need an apostrophe 's'

As we entered the game center I paused at the Doduo daycare

Comma

I laughed loudly. "Oh don't be silly my dear Mint! Everyone knows you can't just obtain a new Pokemon Card!"

A surprisingly good save from Mr Nameless

Our fake conversation carried on as we walked. As we made our way past the chip counter again, I noticed Trish was no longer standing behind it.

So creepy.

I imagined her not being there would be a relief, but instead I only found myself more unsettled. Doduo, of course, is oblivious to such unsettling things as it welcomes misfortune.

... She's in the Goddamn walls!

That it will be late night is kind of exciting too! Reminds me of my college days!

Missing an 'at' here

I matched Bills volume. "Ah! So this is what billionaire philanthropists get up to when no one is watching!"

Apostrophe here.
Yeah, Bill's like Batman if all of his villains were gambling corpas and if he's also a little stupid.

And that should be it, it was fun learning Bill, his history and hatred with casinos. This Bill centric chapter was surprisingly enjoyable to read through and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!

(Man, I really need to get these out faster)

 

[Tango]

Hiya! Here to cash in on that Review Tag and also again, it's been a month, Hope you're having a nice day!

Hey! Always nice to see you stop in, Shini!

Quick summary of Chp 8:

Mr Nameless and Mint meet Ishihara who is apparently Bill the EVIL teleporting guy except it turns out he's not an evil guy at all. Just stupid.

It was more entertaining to subvert expectations, so that's what I did!

Anyway, Mr Nameless learns a bit of the black box and gets a Team Rocket card which is interesting, I wonder what it does.

The effect of the card in-game is unique but it's not particularly powerful and has no bearing on duels. It DOES however act as a key to the Ghostmasters fortress which is currently sealed!

And they reunite with Bill again during the game center for some sneaking around, I think. What for, I'm not too sure.

Just Bill's usual shenanigans.

Review of chapter 8:

Gotta say, I really did not expect to actually like Bill after this chapter. It's really cool that you've built up this whole image of him being a neglectful prick who only cares about bribes and money and it turns out that's not the case at all. I really enjoyed the last scene of him nerding out like a chunni, really cements him as one of my favourite characters funny enough.

That's what I like to do with my plot threads! Build them up over time and give some sort of payoff later! That's awesome that you found his character enjoyable!

I can't exactly say much has happened this chapter as it's more of a set up chapter I think, since Mr Nameless got the Black Box and made/got a new card.

Yeah, it's a setup chapter, for sure.

It is kinda ridiculous that a device like this is just out in the open though but I guess you can say the best way to hide something is in plain sight especially since not a lot of people in this world question these things.

I found it hilarious that such an immensely important machine was just chilling in the game center for anyone to use! In the game the machine looks so mysterious and imposing too for absolutely no good reason, so in the fic, I GAVE it a good reason!

So yeah, think that's all I have to say, let's move on to my line-by-line comments:

I'm surprised you had nothing to comment regarding Mint's interactions with Timmy. It was a little side plot that reminded me a tiny bit of Pikachu from the anime with his first love: the random bottle of ketchup. Pikachu in that anime episode just keeps pouring it and doing all this stuff with it while the cast is going about their serious business.

Oh well, I'm sure there will be others who might comment on the mini side-plot.

Spoiler: Line by Line Reaction

Comma

Random capitalized 'Stairs'

Missing a 'with' here

Apostrophe

Comma

Forgot to capitalize this word

Thanks for catching all these!!

Dun dun dun! What a fucking plot twist. I did not expect this at all!

I love plot twists. They make things so interesting! Glad you are enjoying it!

Comma

I think you're missing a word here, probably a 'despite'

Apparently so, Mr Nameless! It seems like Bill's just a fucking idiot!

Too busy doing nerd things. Examining the trees while missing the forest.

Missing an end quotation mark

Comma

Comma

700 trillion and you're just able to make a shift? Bruh, that's like worth the world's economy well over ten times, the fuck do you mean you can only make a noticeable shift?

Well, the funny thing about that is that it isn't nearly as much money as it seems, but it was meant to have shock value, hence Mint's reaction to it.

Reason: their world has been going in a modern/post-modern state for about 1,000 years. That is a TON of time for inflation to ramp up. If anything, I might have made the number too small. I'm not sure!

Also missing an end quotation mark.

Missing an apostrophe. Also I think the 'dollar amount' should probably be his 'net worth' or something similar 'cause that just sounds weird.

How in the fuck are you going backrupt with 700 trillion dollars? Oh my god, this guy's horrible at financial managing. Like even spending a million dollars a day wouldn't make a dent in his pocket for almost 2000 years.

Even if money is greatly de-valued, I agree. He screwed up the finances because he pursued ending gambling too zealously, not realizing he was overdoing it.

... Okay, for all my gripes about his idiocy in financial management. At least, he's an actual good guy, I can respect that no matter how much I'm banging my head at how he wasted hundreds of trillions in like a couple months.

I know, right?

Also missing an apostrophe

Casino has a random apostrophe

Comma

Apostrophe

'Original' doesn't need an apostrophe 's'

Comma

A surprisingly good save from Mr Nameless

Mint is still lacking lots of information. It's all on him until she gets filled in on it!

... She's in the Goddamn walls!

You know? I think I'll let people speculate on it. It's more fun that way!

Missing an 'at' here

Apostrophe here.

Yeah, Bill's like Batman if all of his villains were gambling corpas and if he's also a little stupid.

He is smart though! He is trying to fix his financial mistakes but it's a bit of an uphill battle. He had never spent money so rigorously before.

And that should be it, it was fun learning Bill, his history and hatred with casinos.

Yeah, I figured I would try to send out the opposite message to gambling that the Pokemon series almost seems to condone. (Granted, at least they had team rocket running the Celadon casino)

This Bill centric chapter was surprisingly enjoyable to read through and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!

It could have very easily been a boring chapter, but I'm glad my edits made it a good read!

(Man, I really need to get these out faster)

I would love it if you did them more frequently, but no worries if you don't!

I am really looking forward to you potentially being the only other reader to get to the end!

 

[ShiniGojira]

I found it hilarious that such an immensely important machine was just chilling in the game center for anyone to use! In the game the machine looks so mysterious and imposing too for absolutely no good reason, so in the fic, I GAVE it a good reason!

It's always awesome to see different takes on underutilized and/or mysterious unexplained things and you definitely made it into something fun and interesting.

I'm surprised you had nothing to comment regarding Mint's interactions with Timmy. It was a little side plot that reminded me a tiny bit of Pikachu from the anime with his first love: the random bottle of ketchup. Pikachu in that anime episode just keeps pouring it and doing all this stuff with it while the cast is going about their serious business.

Well, I did think about saying something about it but it basically just amounted to 'It was cute' and didn't really think it would add too much to the review.

(It's definitely not because I forgot to talk about it because I was sleepy *cough* *cough*)

Yeah, I figured I would try to send out the opposite message to gambling that the Pokemon series almost seems to condone. (Granted, at least they had team rocket running the Celadon casino)

To be fair to Gamefreak, they at least stopped putting casinos and gambling after Platinum... Though that's probably because of the new laws that were implemented.

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hello hello! Here for Review Tag and plus an extra chapter too! Hope you're having a nice day!

Quick Summary Chp 9:

Mint and Mr Nameless kissed and became a couple, then they talk about naming Mr Nameless, Mark.

Review for Chp 9:

So, romancy stuff, I think it was cute and I did initially ship the two because I thought it'd be funny if they became a couple, the scene about them figuring out a name for Mr Nameless was adorable as well (You will not believe how hard it was for me to not make a Markiplier joke this entire review)

Ahem, anyway, this chapter was pretty short and while I did enjoy it. I kinda have a few problems with Mr Nameless and Mint's relationship. Mostly that I feel like it progressed way too fast. The interactions we had between them had mostly been like teasing and joking, mostly friend stuff so it honestly feels like it came out of nowhere when Mint kissed him. I think I would've appreciated it a lot more if there was more interactions between them before they kissed, maybe have them go on adventures with each other, slowly getting closer and developing feelings for each other.

'cause to me, it feels like this kiss came out like waaaay too fast. They'd only just met like a few days ago and nothing major has really happened for me to feel like there was a connection between them, y'know. Like I'd understand if you weren't going for a slow burn romance or something like that but I really think the chapter will benefit if we get to see the two get closer first before having Mint confess.

Here are some examples I think that could help with this: Have them hold hands, have them enjoy being with each other, Mint being a tiny bit jealous or embarrassed when Mr Nameless meets up with the previous girls and etc. There's a fic I've been reading that does a pretty good job at doing a romance side plot and I absolutely adore it (though it is also about teen romance so I'm not entirely sure whether that'll translate well with adults). Here's the link and name if you wanna check it out!

Bunnies, Land Sharks and the Path to Becoming Champion

Quick summary of Chp 10:

Mint and Mr Nameless made it to the Sealed Fortress and meets up with a bunch of ghosts who apparently aren't actual ghosts and are the stores memories of the real people in hologram form. And after a quick training arc, they bestow upon Mint the deck of champions! We also get confirmation on how the Big Bad keeps reviving/resurrecting.

Review for Chp 10:

I really, really like the whole mindswapper scenario that was revealed this chapter. It's such an interesting concept that's like rarely explored (mostly because of how dubious and vile it is) but I do like how you've imposed limits that do make sense though I do still think it's kinda silly that the Big Bad hasn't once tried to like improve or replicate the machine in that 1000 years time span they had, like you'd assume the guy with the immortality machine would try making their immortality stronger or make a backup in case something bad ever happens to their current body.

Anyway, I also liked the whole bait-n-switch you did with Mint, though while it was funny, I do think it does kinda come out of nowhere since Axel did say he mindswapped to warn the next hero but if that was the case then why do it on the hero themselves instead of someone nearby like Mr Nameless if he wasn't the hero?

Also, holograms. The ghostmasters being holograms is a pretty neat thing and I kinda like that they're semi-solid. I do kinda question how their machines were able to last this long without maintenance (both how they could last 1000 years despite no obvious battery or power charging place and how the machine was able to physically last 1000 years without rust and grime) since like I don't think any of them know how to work with their hologram machine thingy. But still, semi-solid ghostly holograms are pretty cool.

Also since names are a unique thing in this world, I think Mr Nameless will be able to beat the Big Bad due to having no name himself as we don't actually know how the mindswapper works so assuming it uses names isn't too farfetched. Oh and also, I'm kinda curious on how this naming scheme works. Like if you ever decide to get a name, do you have to like register it in an official paper or like is it purely magical? Does it require consent to name someone? Can you change your name on the fly, like for example, the Big Bad wants to mindswap you (assuming the device uses names), and you suddenly change names, will the machine just not work? Do you have to say it out loud to name yourself or can you just not say or tell anyone anything and like still name yourself?

Anyways, I think that's it from me so let's move on to the line-by-line comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

Are you going to take responsibility for this Mr Gentleman?"

You make it sound like he's done way worse than accidentally making people think you're lovers, Minty.
Also comma

Mint spoke softly, “responsibility for what indeed...,” Mint was staring straight at me with those eyes of hers.

Forgot to capitalize the dialogue

The next thing I knew I felt a tug on my tie and Mints lips were pressed against mine!!

What? What? Mint's a damn tsundere that's also bold as hell!
Also apostrophe

At this point I found the powers of concentration to be quite elusive and I found myself quite absentminded. "

Think this sentence here should be reworked on since I would personally like it if I could see how his concentration has faltered and mind blank after the kiss. It'll make the impact hit a lot better if I could see the emotions 'shown' rather than 'told'

Once we got back on the road it gave some time to converse.

Comma

orphanage."Get rid of you? I would have to be quite mad my lady!"

Missing a space and a comma

"At your age that really is quite scandalous... but I don't think you have much to worry about," she reached out and held my hand

Missing a comma

The comma should be a period as its preceded by an action tag instead of a dialogue tag

At this what else could I do but hold it back? Who knew a lady could have such an effect!

Comma

I then spat it out: "I don't have one!"

Mr Nameless really is a Mr Nameless, huh?

Also punctuation should be a comma rather than a semicolon

Mint gave a thousand yard stare off in a random direction before looking back at me and replying "How... how on earth have you been walking around with no name and I am apparently the first one to even ask!?"

Comma

But its true

Apostrophe

This card is the last new card meant to be created and is the key.

'Meant to be created' implies that the card hasn't been created yet but the context suggests that it already is. I think this should be 'ever to be created' so to show that it already is made

She opened her eyes and made eye contact.

I'm probably being picky here but you've used 'making eye contact' a bunch of times already and it kinda feels repetitive and it's a bit stiff, honestly. I feel like rewording them to like 'she gazed into my eyes' or 'stared at me' or whatever other similar sentences would work a bit better 'cause you're able to add a few extra descriptions or emotions into it instead of just telling me they made eye contact.

Good, you keep using my name Mr. and don't forget! We really need to give you a name though! I'm not moving forward in this relationship with you until you have one!" She crossed her arms and tilted her head towards the sky with her eyes

Also probably also me nitpicking again but I feel like it's better if you just say 'mister' instead of 'Mr.' if you're not gonna say their name 'cause it looks really odd just seeing it in text without a name honestly.

I looked away and down. "Erm...," I looked up at her with an awkward smile. "Yes?”

Two 'looked' in a paragraph here, ya should change one of them to spice things up a bit.
'My eyes turned away...' should be a bit nicer to read.

she whispered: “I felt that way about you first.”

No need for the semicolon here as it's just a normal dialogue, a comma should work

At this I began to feel in a haze again

Comma. And also this sentence needs to be reworded a bit as it feels kinda clunky. Maybe say his mind's in a daze or something instead of 'I'

I suddenly found Mints lips upon mine once more in much the same fashion it all began!

Apostrophe

I turned back to her as she stopped shaking my arm. "Erm... ok! So I was thinking maybe... Red?"

Eh, aside from being a good player, you have like no similar qualities at all, Mr Nameless.

Mint now had a mortified look. "You were thinking of naming yourself after a basic color?! What kind of idiot does that!! NO! Absolutely NOT!" Mint crossed her arms in a big X.

Better than naming yourself, Platinum or Moon, or Sun, or whatever like in the Pokémon manga

W-well! Its ok! I said I wasn't very serious..."

Apostrophe

"Two names? What a weird concept! Who would call themselves 2 different names anyway?! It makes it so complicated! I find myself rather insulted you would even entertain the notion that I might!"

Wait till he finds out that irl have people with more than four names sometimes

I grit my teeth. "Well I was thinking maybe something like BasicBro..."

Mint gave me a look. It was a look like she had asked a simple math question to an esteemed professor and they just confidently gave her the absolutely wrong answer! "WHAT ARE YOU SEVEN?!"

Brrooo, the hell kinda name is that lol. Minty show him he should stop being an idiot.

Chp 10

Once that happened the doors receded into the walls at the sides of the door not unlike automatic doors at a super market, though much more impressive in terms of the size and material of the doors!

Uh, I think the first sentence got a bit jumbled up or something.

Lining both sides of the arch that lead to a hallway were metal fire bowls lit with large blue flames. At the far end of the hallway I could see another room.

Hm, either those are magical flames that can last forever or someone's been here recently

The walls and floors were the same, but the majority of the room was a large stage surrounded by more lit fire bowls on the floor surrounding the stage.

A bit redundant on the final line there

Ah... such a pretty face. I can’t believe I am so lucky!

Spooky tense change here!

Axel continued to hug Mint as he explained. "Ok thanks! So first, I am not actually a ghost.

Eh? The hell do you mean not a ghost? Is he some immortal kid who's trapped in a specific age or something? Or is this just a different kind of 'ghost' since y'know, ghostmaster and whatever?

At this Mint squatted down to hug him with the side of her head against his

Comma

He looked like he was about to cry as hard as he did in the ruin's with Mint's body prior to my first hug with him.

Ruins*

Thank you so much Mint, I know it may seem simple, but having to go a hundred years with no kind touch from anyone at all... it almost broke me. Even an embrace as I am now was denied to me as I waited those many long years and decades in these halls..."

Huh, I would've thought he'd get some sugar from the previous heroes. It's kinda odd that he didn't.

Our foe has the prototype. It is the only explanation for his many returns. His figure in the ruins has ten shadows... Each shadow represents his reincarnation.

Ah, so he's Orochimaru, got it.

Axel stared towards the ground. “You see, the 2.0 was created the same as the original but with limits to the functions of the original. With the original, our foe is able to completely and permanently override the brainwaves of the host body. In essence... it ends them..."

Also I just realised something. If reject Orochimaru can take over people's minds while not being limited to vision or whatever, what stops him from just doing that to the heroes, especially Mr Nameless?

Oh wait! I think I get it! It's because of the name thingy, isn't it? The previous heroes all probably died because of the mindswapper and Mr Nameless won't because he doesn't actually have a name Of couse that assuming the machine works by inputting a name or something but since names are apparently unique and not often given to many people in this world. That's probably the case.

As I ran my hand through my hair I confidently stated: "Then that is exactly what we shall do!"

Comma and also replace that semicolon with another comma

The prototype is also able to update the stored brainwaves of our foe upon the end of his life and hold them ready until the next host arrives. The prototype has limitations though. It can only activate the mind override function once every hundred years."

Wait, seriously? And in that 1000 year span of time, not once did reject Orochimaru try or learn how to upgrade or replicate the machine?

Unfortunately, the hologram range is limited to the inside of our fortress. The Mindmaster 2.0 is the only way in which a real body can be occupied again by any of us."

What about a robot or an animal? Can those not be used? I mean with how the ghostmaster's being described right now, I would assume the memories can be put into robots or computers to simulate a body

Speaking of which, Merrill and Togepi are other cards not meant to exist in our world but because there are multiple copies of them,

Mispelled 'Marill'

At this both Mint and I turned to one another and nodded our heads.

Comma. And also probably me being nitpicky again but nodding sorta implies you're using your head to do so, so like it feels redundant to use 'nodded our heads'

We then both found ourselves gazing into each others eyes.

Sentence's a bit awkward here.
'We both gazed into each other's eyes (lovingly, dreamily or whatever adjectives you wanna use here)' should probably be better

Thank you very much for the battle! Once you save the world, please do visit again! I'll be waiting for your to return!"

Remove this word

"Dangit All--! In the end. I Lost! Tch!! I guess it was inevitable. Mark my words, Mr Gentleman: I won't be defeated next time!"

So uh, while I'm not super duper well versed in semicolon rules. I feel like this one here is again unnecessary and should just be a period as it's not like Warren's listing something or reading out something

Well done, Mr. Gentleman. The ability to safegaurd our world is never to be taken lightly. With the power at your disposal, I am expecting great things from you..."

Misspelled 'safeguard'

Porygon and Voltorb tag teamed his entire arsenal and secured victory before he could even take one prize!

Okay, so I was gonna ignore it but I think I need some clarification here. These 'prizes' are supposed to mean 'KOs', right? Like taking out Pokémon cards and stuff? 'cause if so, I feel like you should just refer KOs as take downs, take outs, KOs or whatever. Because it got a bit confusing for me since I remembered that the characters in the fic can actually get prizes/card packs from winning duels. And the way Mr Nameless narrates it makes it sound like they're just taking out card and not winning, which y'know, is just... Yeah.

To my astonishment he went down after only able to claim one prize against me!

Comma and missing a 'being'

They have small camera's built in as well as mics, so you will be able to talk with me and i'll be able to see through the camera!"

Remove that apostrophe and also that needs to be capitalized

Axel nodded. "Alright then! Lets go see Claire!"

Comma

All in all, those were fun to read through. I really did the whole ancient technology that's super advanced you have going through this fic. That premise's always an interesting one and I think you've managed to make it both interesting and nice to read through. Anyway, that should be it from me. Have a nice rest of your day!

 

[Tango]

Reply To review of chapters 9 and 10

Hello hello! Here for Review Tag and plus an extra chapter too! Hope you're having a nice day!

If I wasn't before your review, I certainly am after!

Quick Summary Chp 9:

Mint and Mr Nameless kissed and became a couple, then they talk about naming Mr Nameless, Mark.

Indeed! Also, if you want to call him Mark for now in reviews, you can. Might make it easier. If/when he is confirmed NOT to be Mark, then you could always switch it up.

Review for Chp 9:

So, romancy stuff, I think it was cute and I did initially ship the two because I thought it'd be funny if they became a couple, the scene about them figuring out a name for Mr Nameless was adorable as well (You will not believe how hard it was for me to not make a Markiplier joke this entire review)

Good. Sounds like it was working then.

Ahem, anyway, this chapter was pretty short and while I did enjoy it. I kinda have a few problems with Mr Nameless and Mint's relationship. Mostly that I feel like it progressed way too fast. The interactions we had between them had mostly been like teasing and joking, mostly friend stuff so it honestly feels like it came out of nowhere when Mint kissed him.

Ah, but that was the whole point! I wanted it to be a surprise for him, the readers, and EVEN Mint to some extent! I didn't want the interactions to make it too obvious.

Regarding the speed of their relationship, infatuation can happen instantly. I once spent a single field day in 6th grade around a girl who became my girlfriend by the end of the day. It doesn't have to take much for one to start.

I think I would've appreciated it a lot more if there was more interactions between them before they kissed, maybe have them go on adventures with each other, slowly getting closer and developing feelings for each other.

I mean they sort of did that traveling around, but I didn't want it to be too obvious. I wanted them to have a relationship going for some time before the end of the fic. Given the small word count of my fic, I kind of had to make do with the content/spacing as best I could. I didn't want to drag the story out longer if the only thing it was adding to was the romantic subplot.

'cause to me, it feels like this kiss came out like waaaay too fast. They'd only just met like a few days ago and nothing major has really happened for me to feel like there was a connection between them, y'know. Like I'd understand if you weren't going for a slow burn romance or something like that but I really think the chapter will benefit if we get to see the two get closer first before having Mint confess.

Tell you what, give me your thoughts on it again once you get to the end of the original. I'm curious if that will change anything.

Here are some examples I think that could help with this: Have them hold hands,

Hold hands? That's basically declaring a relationship already. Are you saying rather than the kiss it should have been holding hands?

have them enjoy being with each other,

They already do that prior to the kiss even if they both are bad at admitting it.

Mint being a tiny bit jealous or embarrassed when Mr Nameless meets up with the previous girls and etc.

She kind of already was being jealous/judgemental. Just not embarrassed since it wouldn't have fit.

There's a fic I've been reading that does a pretty good job at doing a romance side plot and I absolutely adore it (though it is also about teen romance so I'm not entirely sure whether that'll translate well with adults).

Honestly, it probably would translate reasonably well with adults.

Here's the link and name if you wanna check it out!

Bunnies, Land Sharks and the Path to Becoming Champion

Usually when you recommend something it ends up being helpful. I might check it out later. Thanks for the referral!
https://forums.spacebattles.com/thr...ks-and-the-path-to-becoming-champion.1216415/

Quick summary of Chp 10:

Mint and Mr Nameless made it to the Sealed Fortress and meets up with a bunch of ghosts who apparently aren't actual ghosts and are the stores memories of the real people in hologram form. And after a quick training arc, they bestow upon Mint the deck of champions! We also get confirmation on how the Big Bad keeps reviving/resurrecting.

An apt description!

Review for Chp 10:

I really, really like the whole mindswapper scenario that was revealed this chapter. It's such an interesting concept that's like rarely explored (mostly because of how dubious and vile it is) but I do like how you've imposed limits that do make sense though I do still think it's kinda silly that the Big Bad hasn't once tried to like improve or replicate the machine in that 1000 years time span they had, like you'd assume the guy with the immortality machine would try making their immortality stronger or make a backup in case something bad ever happens to their current body.

Glad to hear you like it! Regarding why not improve or replicate, you inspired me to have them ask Axel about it and Axel explained why. I think it works well enough! So you don't have to go searching for it, it's in here:

Spoiler: Why not use robots or animals?

"Similar to one of the functions of the Mindmaster prototype, a Ghostmaster is a machine used to store brainwave patterns. It is unable to superimpose those patterns on anyone though. Instead, a technology called holograms was created which allows us a temporary body of our own which is what you see us with here. With it, we can stand, walk, and sit. Our hands are just solid enough to be used for duels, but that is the extent of the body it provides us with. Unfortunately, the hologram range is limited to the inside of our fortress. The Mindmaster 2.0 is the only way in which a real body can be occupied again by any of us."

I thought amusingly to myself that the boy I had tutored, Billy, would have an absolute field day in here at the mere mention of the word hologram.

Mint's eyes widened as she held up a finger. "Oh! What about robots? If you made a robot to inhabit, wouldn't that work?"

Axel looked at Mint with fear. "If we advanced robotics technology, the foe would surely gain access to it! With the kinds of resources he has demonstrated the ability to obtain, the development of robotics would lean heavily in his favor. Instead of every 100 years, his return could happen every time a new robot got constructed! All he would need to do is remote pilot it! One of the functions of the religion of the Third Eye since ancient times has been to safeguard against the development of robotics."

I held a hand to my chin. "If not robots, then what about animals?"

Axel shook his head. "The capacity for intelligence in animals proved too limited for the transfer."

I caught my fist in my other hand. "Ah! What about a computer with a link to the internet?"

Axel brought a hand to his face. "Why? So a skilled hacker can gain access to our brains or upload viruses to us?" Axel visiblity shivered. "Just the thought makes my skin crawl!"

Mint frowned. "The only other option would be to use Doduo's, but what kind of monster would do that?"

Axel blinked. "Doduo... Huh... It might work. But having two heads, I'm not sure what effect that would have. I think there would need to be a lot of research involved. Doduo wasn't around when the mindmaster was invented, so no one at the time could have considered it. Regardless, it doesn't do any of us any good right now and I agree that subjecting them to that would be no better than what the foe does to other humans."

Mint and I both sighed at the same time.

It seemed helping the ghostmasters attain non-holographic bodies would not be something possible in the near-future.

Anyway, I also liked the whole bait-n-switch you did with Mint, though while it was funny, I do think it does kinda come out of nowhere since Axel did say he mindswapped to warn the next hero but if that was the case then why do it on the hero themselves instead of someone nearby like Mr Nameless if he wasn't the hero?

Well. He did warn the next hero. Through Mister Gentleman!

Also, holograms. The ghostmasters being holograms is a pretty neat thing and I kinda like that they're semi-solid. I do kinda question how their machines were able to last this long without maintenance (both how they could last 1000 years despite no obvious battery or power charging place and how the machine was able to physically last 1000 years without rust and grime) since like I don't think any of them know how to work with their hologram machine thingy. But still, semi-solid ghostly holograms are pretty cool.

Super advanced tech. The fact that they have lasted this long means it was designed to be able to self-maintain or that it was just designed incredibly durable.

I went back and added a bit explaining a bit about the durability of the technology and power source. If nothing else, it made for a cool tidbit to add.

Also since names are a unique thing in this world, I think Mr Nameless will be able to beat the Big Bad due to having no name himself as we don't actually know how the mindswapper works so assuming it uses names isn't too farfetched.

A fair observation.

Oh and also, I'm kinda curious on how this naming scheme works. Like if you ever decide to get a name, do you have to like register it in an official paper or like is it purely magical? Does it require consent to name someone?

I guess you could say it's purely magical. In the case of Mister Gentleman, no one but himself was able to name him. People can make suggestions, but it's ultimately up to him to decide. The ability to name oneself is almost unique. This isn't menitoned in the fic, but Mint also had that ability but already chose her own name. Prior to them, no one in the history of their world has ever had that ability.

For other people, I guess it works like normal in that their parents name them. The only stipulation is that they are unable to pick a name that anyone else has previously had.

Can you change your name on the fly, like for example, the Big Bad wants to mindswap you (assuming the device uses names), and you suddenly change names, will the machine just not work?

Nope. Once the name is chosen, it is permanent. In theory, I guess time travel could undo a name.

Do you have to say it out loud to name yourself or can you just not say or tell anyone anything and like still name yourself?

All Mister Gentleman needs to do is decide in his mind what name he wants to be and that is what he will be.

Spoiler: Reply to line-by-line

You make it sound like he's done way worse than accidentally making people think you're lovers, Minty.
Also comma

Just her way of putting him on the defensive.

Forgot to capitalize the dialogue

What? What? Mint's a damn tsundere that's also bold as hell!
Also apostrophe

That she is.

Think this sentence here should be reworked on since I would personally like it if I could see how his concentration has faltered and mind blank after the kiss. It'll make the impact hit a lot better if I could see the emotions 'shown' rather than 'told'

I agree! I reworked it. Thanks!

Comma

Missing a space and a comma

Missing a comma

The comma should be a period as its preceded by an action tag instead of a dialogue tag

Comma

Mr Nameless really is a Mr Nameless, huh?

More like, unspecified. A bit separate than nameless. So, at this point, fans of the game will recognize that Mark is one of the protagonists of the game. Mint is the other. I decided these two would make an iconic couple due to that. Also, since only one person in this world can have a certain name and Mister Gentleman is able to consider taking the name of Mark, it means that there is no Mark, or more to the point that Mister Gentleman IS Mark. The player of the game can name themselves anything they want be it Mark or something else. Mister Gentleman has that ability to name himself, but if/when he finally selects it, he cannot change it.

Also punctuation should be a comma rather than a semicolon

Comma

Apostrophe

'Meant to be created' implies that the card hasn't been created yet but the context suggests that it already is. I think this should be 'ever to be created' so to show that it already is made

Good point. Changed!

I'm probably being picky here but you've used 'making eye contact' a bunch of times already and it kinda feels repetitive and it's a bit stiff, honestly. I feel like rewording them to like 'she gazed into my eyes' or 'stared at me' or whatever other similar sentences would work a bit better 'cause you're able to add a few extra descriptions or emotions into it instead of just telling me they made eye contact.

Nah, you are being a wholesome amount of critical. Honestly, this was something I would have fixed already if I had noticed it previously. Fixed. Thanks!

Also probably also me nitpicking again but I feel like it's better if you just say 'mister' instead of 'Mr.' if you're not gonna say their name 'cause it looks really odd just seeing it in text without a name honestly.

Stuff like this is why I made it a point to switch it all to "Mister" everywhere in Book One. I'll be fixing them all in that manner eventually for the original here and when I look to re-post chapters in the form of Book Two.

Two 'looked' in a paragraph here, ya should change one of them to spice things up a bit.
'My eyes turned away...' should be a bit nicer to read.

No need for the semicolon here as it's just a normal dialogue, a comma should work

Comma. And also this sentence needs to be reworded a bit as it feels kinda clunky. Maybe say his mind's in a daze or something instead of 'I'

Apostrophe

Eh, aside from being a good player, you have like no similar qualities at all, Mr Nameless.

Very true. Especially how I have him written. (Mark in the game doesn't speak so he IS a bit like Red by design.)

Better than naming yourself, Platinum or Moon, or Sun, or whatever like in the Pokémon manga

Yeah... lol...

Apostrophe

Wait till he finds out that irl have people with more than four names sometimes

He'd call them all loony for sure!

Brrooo, the hell kinda name is that lol. Minty show him he should stop being an idiot.

That she will, Shini. And yes, his naming skills are h o r r i b l e!

Chp 10

Uh, I think the first sentence got a bit jumbled up or something.

Ugh. These were the victim of me having written content and accidentally erasing said content and having to REWRITE said content... I think I was too annoyed to look over it carefully at the time. Thanks!

Hm, either those are magical flames that can last forever or someone's been here recently

I once heard a cool quote: "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" These flames are neither recent nor magical.

A bit redundant on the final line there

Spooky tense change here!

Eh? The hell do you mean not a ghost? Is he some immortal kid who's trapped in a specific age or something? Or is this just a different kind of 'ghost' since y'know, ghostmaster and whatever?

They are not ghosts, but scientific holograms!

Comma

Ruins*

Huh, I would've thought he'd get some sugar from the previous heroes. It's kinda odd that he didn't.

Odd. I thought I remembered specifying it, but ghostmasters are not corporeal enough to touch each other. They can sort of touch objects and other solid people though. I added a bit in for it. Thanks!

Ah, so he's Orochimaru, got it.

Also I just realised something. If reject Orochimaru can take over people's minds while not being limited to vision or whatever, what stops him from just doing that to the heroes, especially Mr Nameless?

What stops him is if he has already used the machine and potentially range if it has a range.

Oh wait! I think I get it! It's because of the name thingy, isn't it? The previous heroes all probably died because of the mindswapper and Mr Nameless won't because he doesn't actually have a name Of couse that assuming the machine works by inputting a name or something but since names are apparently unique and not often given to many people in this world. That's probably the case.

That would certainly be one valid approach, based on the information currently provided!

As for what the other heroes died of, it wasn't from getting their minds replaced. I thought about explaining each of their deaths, but it will likely be something explored in a future book, if so.

Comma and also replace that semicolon with another comma

Wait, seriously? And in that 1000 year span of time, not once did reject Orochimaru try or learn how to upgrade or replicate the machine?

A valid point! Or at least a sensible question for Mark or Mint to ask. I added a bit explaining why this WASN'T done by the foe.

What about a robot or an animal? Can those not be used? I mean with how the ghostmaster's being described right now, I would assume the memories can be put into robots or computers to simulate a body

Also valid points. I added explanations for why these options were not utilized. For good measure, I also threw in why they aren't using Doduo's(aside from the obvious moral problem of essentially killing a Pokemon)

Mispelled 'Marill'

Comma. And also probably me being nitpicky again but nodding sorta implies you're using your head to do so, so like it feels redundant to use 'nodded our heads'

Good eye. I switched it around a bit to fix it up!

Sentence's a bit awkward here.
'We both gazed into each other's eyes (lovingly, dreamily or whatever adjectives you wanna use here)' should probably be better

Yeah, I agree. I fixed it up. Thanks!

Remove this word

So uh, while I'm not super duper well versed in semicolon rules. I feel like this one here is again unnecessary and should just be a period as it's not like Warren's listing something or reading out something

I think I took it verbatim from his in-game response. I agree with you. I fixed it.

Misspelled 'safeguard'

Okay, so I was gonna ignore it but I think I need some clarification here. These 'prizes' are supposed to mean 'KOs', right? Like taking out Pokémon cards and stuff? 'cause if so, I feel like you should just refer KOs as take downs, take outs, KOs or whatever. Because it got a bit confusing for me since I remembered that the characters in the fic can actually get prizes/card packs from winning duels. And the way Mr Nameless narrates it makes it sound like they're just taking out card and not winning, which y'know, is just... Yeah.

Prizes are the TCG counterpart to KOs in the game/anime. You KO a mon in the TCG? You get to pick up one of six prizes. Pick up all prizes and you win. You win booster packs as rewards for winning. Prize is a TCG term which I will continue to use and use in Book One as well. I taught about prize cards back in the prologue after I added the "Billy" section to it. (Totally fine for you to ask about it though! If its confusing, just ask!)

Comma and missing a 'being'

Remove that apostrophe and also that needs to be capitalized

Comma

All in all, those were fun to read through. I really did the whole ancient technology that's super advanced you have going through this fic. That premise's always an interesting one and I think you've managed to make it both interesting and nice to read through. Anyway, that should be it from me. Have a nice rest of your day!

These chapters you are in starting from chapter 9 are my favorite chapters of the original. I want to say they just keep getting better from here, but the next chapter is kind of a set-up chapter so don't expect too much out of it.

I'm obviously a fan of technology from the past being more. The idea in general is just really cool.

 

[ShiniGojira]

Romancy stuff

Tell you what, give me your thoughts on it again once you get to the end of the original. I'm curious if that will change anything.

I guess the fast romance thing's just my preference 'cause like I've never read anything that has romance progressed like super fast unless it's represented as like a quick gag or a dominant partner or something along the lines.

And yeah, I'll give some more thoughts later when I get to the end.

I thought amusingly to myself that the boy I had tutored, Billy, would have an absolute field day in here at the mere mention of the word hologram.

I didn't say this in the review earlier. But like holograms aren't actually that impressive. They're very cool yes, but if I'm not mistaken we already have them irl, I think they can be found in virtual idol dance concerts, like Hatsune Miku or Vtubers or whatever entertainment stuff.

(Take this information with a grain of salt though, I'm not actually super sure if we actually have them yet.)

It's the solid holograms that are the most impressive bunch. And yeah, having the ghostmasters being semi-solid is still gonna blow Bill's mind regardless.

Axel looked at Mint with fear. "If we advanced robotics technology, the foe would surely gain access to it! With the kinds of resources he has demonstrated the ability to obtain, the development of robotics would lean heavily in his favor. Instead of every 100 years, his return could happen every time a new robot got constructed! All he would need to do is remote pilot it! One of the functions of the religion of the Third Eye since ancient times has been to safeguard against the development of robotics."

That's why you gotta blow up his base instead. He can't come back if the memories are literally a pile of ash.

But yeah, I can definitely understand the worry especially if they're able to hide the Big Bad's memory bank very well.

Axel shook his head. "The capacity for intelligence in animals proved too limited for the transfer."

Yeah, I figured that'd be the case.

But what about gene modification? Like literally creating a body from scratch? I assume the answer would probably be the same as the robots but like if you blow up the body making machine, it's not like he can take apart the heroes' bodies to learn how to make the machine.

Axel brought a hand to his face. "Why? So a skilled hacker can gain access to our brains or upload viruses to us?" Axel visiblity shivered. "Just the thought makes my skin crawl!"

I mean, you could say the same thing for physical viruses and unlike physical viruses, at least you can employ firewalls and antivirus to fight back instead of just treating the symptoms. But I can understand the fears about being corrupted so it's not too farfetched to think that they didn't try to do it.

Well. He did warn the next hero. Through Mister Gentleman!

Yeah, but Mr Nameless didn't actually know Mint was the hero at the same time, did he? So like, he was incredibly lucky that he accidentally brought the hero to help instead of just getting the hell out of there when things got awkward.

I guess you could say it's purely magical. In the case of Mister Gentleman, no one but himself was able to name him. People can make suggestions, but it's ultimately up to him to decide. The ability to name oneself is almost unique. This isn't menitoned in the fic, but Mint also had that ability but already chose her own name. Prior to them, no one in the history of their world has ever had that ability.

Ah, that's interesting. I wonder how they're special (like I know it's because they're supposed to represent the game's protags), like what's their in-universe reason to being able to name themselves? It can't be because they're heroes, you already said no one in their history could do so. Hm...

You don't have to answer if there's spoilers btw, just putting my thoughts out there.

For other people, I guess it works like normal in that their parents name them. The only stipulation is that they are unable to pick a name that anyone else has previously had.

So every name is unique and has to be unique. That feels like it won't take a while before people end up with weird or ridiculous names lol.

Very true. Especially how I have him written. (Mark in the game doesn't speak so he IS a bit like Red by design.)

I mean, Pokémon Origins and the manga's Red both talk and they're like super different from the game's counterpart. But yeah, neither of them even act remotely close to Mr Nameless.

I once heard a cool quote: "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" These flames are neither recent nor magical.

Yeah, I absolutely love that quote. I love reading fics where fantasy folks react to modern world's tech and it's always fun to just see how someone would react to something that looks magical but isn't.

Odd. I thought I remembered specifying it, but ghostmasters are not corporeal enough to touch each other. They can sort of touch objects and other solid people though. I added a bit in for it. Thanks!

You did! I was more or less talking about when the previous heroes were alive but I figured that it was probably because they're dead or something since Axel did say it's been a hundred years or so.

As for what the other heroes died of, it wasn't from getting their minds replaced. I thought about explaining each of their deaths, but it will likely be something explored in a future book, if so.

Huh, that still means that they died rather young, didn't they? Unless of course, their hologram's memories are from their prime self rather than the time that they died.

Prizes are the TCG counterpart to KOs in the game/anime. You KO a mon in the TCG? You get to pick up one of six prizes. Pick up all prizes and you win. You win booster packs as rewards for winning. Prize is a TCG term which I will continue to use and use in Book One as well. I taught about prize cards back in the prologue after I added the "Billy" section to it. (Totally fine for you to ask about it though! If its confusing, just ask!)

Yeah, thanks for the clarification. Though I feel like you should at least refer the KOs as prizes a lot earlier since I think this was the first time they were referred as 'prizes', got me super confused because the previous chapters never did say that they received prizes for each KOs, just that they get prize cards from winning.

Unless you did and I just forgot about them.

 

[Tango]

I guess the fast romance thing's just my preference 'cause like I've never read anything that has romance progressed like super fast unless it's represented as like a quick gag or a dominant partner or something along the lines.

I did try to convey how Mister Gentleman gradually thought differently about Mint as things went. Mint, in turn, also was thinking of him more and more as they traveled. Much of what was happening was in Mint's mind which we aren't seeing from her perspective.

And yeah, I'll give some more thoughts later when I get to the end.

Sounds good.

I didn't say this in the review earlier. But like holograms aren't actually that impressive. They're very cool yes, but if I'm not mistaken we already have them irl, I think they can be found in virtual idol dance concerts, like Hatsune Miku or Vtubers or whatever entertainment stuff.

(Take this information with a grain of salt though, I'm not actually super sure if we actually have them yet.)

It's the solid holograms that are the most impressive bunch. And yeah, having the ghostmasters being semi-solid is still gonna blow Bill's mind regardless.

Oh yeah that makes sense. Visual holograms are certainly less impressive.

That's why you gotta blow up his base instead. He can't come back if the memories are literally a pile of ash.

No guarantee the machine is even in his base.

But yeah, I can definitely understand the worry especially if they're able to hide the Big Bad's memory bank very well.

Yeah, I figured that'd be the case.

But what about gene modification? Like literally creating a body from scratch? I assume the answer would probably be the same as the robots but like if you blow up the body making machine, it's not like he can take apart the heroes' bodies to learn how to make the machine.

A nifty idea. I guess my current headcannon on that is that they just didn't have technology advanced in that direction to know how to do it.

I mean, you could say the same thing for physical viruses and unlike physical viruses, at least you can employ firewalls and antivirus to fight back instead of just treating the symptoms. But I can understand the fears about being corrupted so it's not too farfetched to think that they didn't try to do it.

With the foe's resources, he could probably hire more hackers than they could use to defend themselves with.

Yeah, but Mr Nameless didn't actually know Mint was the hero at the same time, did he? So like, he was incredibly lucky that he accidentally brought the hero to help instead of just getting the hell out of there when things got awkward.

There is also prophesy floating around in the plot. I think there is enough leeway here to be ok.

Ah, that's interesting. I wonder how they're special (like I know it's because they're supposed to represent the game's protags), like what's their in-universe reason to being able to name themselves? It can't be because they're heroes, you already said no one in their history could do so. Hm...

You don't have to answer if there's spoilers btw, just putting my thoughts out there.

Currently there is no in-fic explanation for their ability to name themselves. I think I do have a reason, but its kind of vague in my mind and it probably won't be potentially revealed until the final book of the series.

But yes, you are correct that the meta reason is because they are the protagonists which the player can name.

So every name is unique and has to be unique. That feels like it won't take a while before people end up with weird or ridiculous names lol.

Yep. The meta reason is that no two characters are named the same thing. So I took that idea and applied it literally. Maybe they already got through all the ridiculous names and are now moving on to more normal ones? (Actually that's going to have to be the case. At least as long as they aren't Mister Gentleman level of bad anyway...)

I mean, Pokémon Origins and the manga's Red both talk and they're like super different from the game's counterpart. But yeah, neither of them even act remotely close to Mr Nameless.

Yeah, I absolutely love that quote. I love reading fics where fantasy folks react to modern world's tech and it's always fun to just see how someone would react to something that looks magical but isn't.

Cool! Wasn't sure if you had heard it. I'm obviously a fan of it myself.

You did! I was more or less talking about when the previous heroes were alive but I figured that it was probably because they're dead or something since Axel did say it's been a hundred years or so.

Oh! Well, sure. Axel or the other ghostmasters could sort of hug other humans but they have been sealed for a long time at this point and Axel had been missing out. As for the part I added, I think I'll just keep it in since the other time he mentioned it didn't mention that they just pass through each other.

Huh, that still means that they died rather young, didn't they?

Indeed. For Axel it must have especially sad considering he is only 10. I guess an easy explanation would be something related to the foe killed them or maybe his followers did. Otherwise it doesn't make much statistical sense.

Unless of course, their hologram's memories are from their prime self rather than the time that they died.

Nah, my headcannon is that they mostly all died young. I'm just not sure why yet.

Yeah, thanks for the clarification. Though I feel like you should at least refer the KOs as prizes a lot earlier since I think this was the first time they were referred as 'prizes', got me super confused because the previous chapters never did say that they received prizes for each KOs, just that they get prize cards from winning.

I think I do a better job of this in the new Book One, but when I repost the original I'll try to keep that in mind.

Unless you did and I just forgot about them.

I'm too lazy to go try to find any. No worries.