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Pokémon Zero the Hero - A Pokémon Mystery Dungeon story

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott
Thanks again for the review, @windskull

Looking back at these earlier chapters reminds me of a more innocent time, really. Been a good two years since I've written them, so getting back into the same mindset I had back then is always a fun adventure.

Blitzer's personality + him being an animal are definitely tied together in a major way early on. He's a jumpy, zippy kid who makes impulsie decisions, and doesn't always come across in the best way (even if he has the right intentions). Even though he talks and has clear humanoid traits, he's still an animal deep down. At the same time, he's mature enough to know to keep his composure at times - not using fire all over the place is one such example.

George is the opposite case - my intention with him is that he looks / acts distinctively more human than other characters. Doesn't have as many animal tics or mannerisms despite turning into a Pokemon. It's an interesting balancing act, looking back.


Critique wise... yeah, Blitzer deciding to climb up the cliff really doesn't have any other reason other than him being impulse. Looking back, perhaps a little hamfisted, but it's not something super massive either, just like you said. As for this sentence:

> In the end, he couldn’t run or hide from this. Then, when another sent the hairs on the back of his head upright. It was time to bite the bullet. He threw down his basket and held his hands up.

The meaning here is that George is still hesitant to fight, right up to the point where not fighting isn't an option anymore. But I can see where the confusion comes from - could be worth touching up if I ever redo these chapters again.

Thanks again for the review! Glad you've been enjoying the story thus far!
 
Chapter 31

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Chapter 31 - Illusions​


A chill hung in the air as the Gardevoir said her piece. The two hadn’t known her nor the Aggron standing strong right next to her for more than a minute, and yet they were being ordered to follow their lead. Just like Soldiers would, just with black scarves and patches in place of the green, and instead of the overpowering yellow Crest, their scarves bore silver medallions that glistered in the sunlight; on it stood the image of a trident.

“Wait, no, just who do you think you are?!” Blitzer said, stomping his feet while his tail flame crackled wildly.

“The people who have been watching over you for some time,” the Gardevoir explained, waving her hand around at Blitzer while looking George straight in the eye. “There is a lot to go over, but this is not the time nor the place to explain it. Patrina’s Soldiers are actively searching for you, and the situation will only grow bleaker once they see us here as well.”

George nervously eyed up at the two tall Pokemon before him. Defying these two was out of the question for all but the most foolish. The Aggron was monstrously well built. Large arms, a broad chest, steel plating covering his body with no cracks or weak points: If someone were to say he crushes boulders his size just for fun, George could believe it. And the Gardevoir… she spoke with a calm tact, the kind that seemed perfectly calculated to get anyone she spoke to on her side. The kind that hid a strength unlike any other, as the Heracross from earlier could affirm. George sensed it. She had immense power inside of her.

But their stature was one thing. Far more unsettling was the way they gazed upon him. The little Oshawott with no real strength. No defining worth. A zero. Wouldn’t they be far more interested in Blitzer? His fire burned brighter than ever, his stance was never stronger than now, and his gaze oozed determination on all sides. Yet they ignored him. Like he wasn’t even there.

“Before we have to get going, allow me to say one thing. Something that I have wanted to say for a long time… It’s a pleasure to meet you, Othersider George.”

A chill passed through George’s body. ‘They know my name?!’

“W-wait! Y-you know George?!” Blitzer’s jaw hung open. Upon hearing this, the Aggron roared his way into a hearty laugh, smacking himself on the belly with his large iron claws.

“Hah, ‘course we do. We know yer name too, lad. I knew we’d have to fill ya in on a lot, but Furrets on a stick, we’ll have to explain from dusk ‘till dawn by the sound of it. But we’ll get to that some other time. Let’s get outta here.”

“No we’re not!” Blitzer suddenly lashed out; smoke was pouring out his nostrils, and the flame at the tip of his tail was sparking up heavily. “We’re going back home, George!”

“No you’re not,” the Aggron retorted.

“Yes we are! I’m not going anywhere! My parents are still there! What about our friends? What about the other villagers?! I’ve known them my whole life, I can’t just leave them there to fend for themselves!”

The Gardevoir shook her head; there was a souring in the atmosphere as she did. George felt a wave of sadness pass through him. For a moment, he knew how she felt, as if they were one in the same. And it wasn’t pretty.

“Young one, it’s too late for that. The Soldiers have taken control there. They cannot have held out this long, not on their own-”

“No, NO!” Blitzer screamed back, “Don’t say that! My mom and dad, they’re… they’re stronger than that! They’re the strongest Pokemon I know!” A tuft of fire spat forth from his jaws, hitting the ground near the Gardevoir’s dress. Blitzer was fuming, preparing to spit more, when he was seized by the arm, lifted from the ground, and pressed against a tree.

“Let it slide, ye…” the Aggron growled, “There is no chance, no chance whatsoever, not even Arceus’ wildest damn dreams they made it out. At best, they’re tied up, thrown onto a cart, and on their way to a prison somewhere. They let ya run for a reason, kiddo. The time for revenge ain’t now, ya hear?”

Blitzer’s breathing grew ragged, and dry. He was gasping for it, kicking his legs around wildly. “No…” he uttered, his voice quiet and shaky as the Aggron held him by the shoulders, the bark of the tree pressing into his back. “They can’t be…”

“Don’t even bother arguing this, kid, they’re gone. End of story. And ya can either run after them and get sent to a dark and lonely prison cell for the remainder of yer days, or ya can come with us.”

The strength and bravery Blitzer had shown earlier crumbled away like dust. Tears welled up in his eyes. George looked away. It made sense that their run from the village was a one way trip. With the amount of Soldiers coming their way, there wasn’t the faintest chance they could simply return as if nothing happened. He’d heard the stories, he’d seen the true nature of the Soldiers first hand when they took Greenfield’s food and tore down half the shop. There was no going back. Yet the tears started flowing from his eyes as well.

“Mom, dad…”

In the end, everything they once knew had been turned upside down, then savagely beaten. Nero, Nera, Speedy and Junior, Corst and Sweitelle, even Lance and that creepy bartender, the village: All gone at the drop of a hat, locked away behind chains. George had only seen it for just over a month, yet it felt as if he’d been here for years. And as for Blitzer, his whole world was gone. Nearly all of his memories were from here. This one village and its residents. Just when everything seemed to be going swimmingly, he lost it all.

The Aggron loosened his grip. “I know. This ain’t easy. We all have stories like these. That is how life under her is. Only a matter of time before everything goes to crap.”

The Gardevoir walked up beside the dinosaurian Pokemon, placing one of her hands on his back. “Skal, tone it down a little. You’re not making this any easier on him.”

The Aggron grumbled out a sigh, and put Blitzer down on the ground. The Charmeleon crumbled onto his feet immediately.

‘Skal?’ George thought to himself as he wiped the tears out of his eyes, ‘I, I know that name.’

“Fine by me, Terez,” Skal said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “Who am I to say no to him now?”

‘Terez? I’ve heard that name before, too…’

Terez reached out to the Charmeleon, a faint blue glow present in her eyes. The tension in the air vanished a little. Blitzer raised his head and met her eye to eye, his vision obscured by the water staining his eyes. Terez placed a hand on the side of his head; her eyes glowing a stronger blue. The sad atmosphere seemed to fade away; she wiped the tears out of Blitzer’s eyes with her other hand.

“Hey… we’re here for you. We’ll find a way to set things right, okay?”

Terez briefly looked over her shoulder towards Skal, who gave an affirming nod back after she’d already turned back to the Charmeleon. “What is going to happen to them now?” Blitzer weakly uttered. Terez shook her head.

“We don’t know. We can only begin to imagine. Whatever it is, we can’t linger on it now. But we will save them one day, Blitzer, I promise.” The Gardevoir glanced over her shoulder. “It’s only a matter of time before the other Soldiers will find us here. We will have to move on, and fast.”

“Well, what are we waitin’ for then?” Skal drummed a claw on one of his armored shoulders, his foot impatiently shifting in the dirt. Blitzer got back up, gritting his teeth in a discomforting manner.

“How can we trust you? We haven’t even met before, and now you want to take us to Arceus knows where. Who’s to say you’re not Soldiers, too?”

Skal roared his way into a loud, mocking laugh. “Come on now, kiddo. We’re as far from Soldiers as you can get in Eravate! We’re with the Alliance.”

“The Alliance?” George asked. The name was familiar. Painfully so.

“We will tell you more later. For now, dust those scarves of yours, because we will be walking for a while.”

Unsure of what was going to become of them, George and Blitzer agreed to follow the two black scarves for the foreseeable future. They weren’t happy about it, but they didn’t have a choice. With the sheer amount of Soldiers infesting Greenfield at this time, and the vigour with which said soldiers were trying to capture them, returning would be foolish. For now, they’d stick by these two strangers, at least until the coast was clear enough to return. That was the plan, anyhow.

They made their way through the forest, following the way the Aggron and the Gardevoir had originally come from through a mushroom-filled thicket. Aside from the dampness in the air, it was perfect to take a stroll through. Were it any ordinary day, Blitzer might’ve taken George here to enjoy the tranquillity. There was no time to enjoy any of the scenery now; Skal and Terez moved fast, pushing their way past bushes and swiping foliage out of the way with little regard for the environment.

“Hold on for a sec. Got me an idea here.”

Skal waited until the two had caught up, then stomped his way up to a particularly large tree just beside the thin trail. He placed his claw against the trunk and pressed against it lightly, to little avail. Then, he reeled back, and lurched forward like a battering ram. The tree split at the base with an enormous cracking sound. Right afterward, Terez raised a hand into the air. Her eyes turned blue as a few flashes engulfed the area for brief moments.

George and Blitzer shielded their eyes, then were greeted by sight of an overgrowth as the flash faded: The fallen tree had been covered with vines and thick foliage, as had the area just off the trail. George narrowed his eyes; the newly created foliage appeared to be a little transparent. The path leading through the tree could still be seen.

“There. That ought to slow them down for a while,” Terez said.

“Damn straight,” Skal added.

“D-did that just happen?” Blitzer said as they got moving, his eyes wide with surprise. Skal grinned at him.

“Yeh. Ye just saw it happen, didn’t ya.”

“I guess I did. You two must have been doing this for a while,” Blitzer said, nervously scratching himself on the back of the head.

“Ya sure got that right, kiddo. No one steps up to me so easily. The ones that do live to regret it, if they end up livin’ at all,” Skal said with a smug grin.

Blitzer visibly shivered in response. George wasn’t feeling much better about it, either. The heavy tone of his voice and the demonstration spoke for themselves. If he were a Soldier, then they had just slid down a hole they wouldn’t be able to dig themselves out of. Blitzer slowed his pace down to get next to George, who felt some comfort at his nearby presence. They traded a small glance for a moment. At least they still had each other.

“Skal, tone it down a little. I know you’re as proud as can be, but we don’t want to scare the Othersider, do we,” Terez stated. The last part sounded more like an order than a question.

“Blah, you’re one to talk, miss psycho powers. Like you didn’t just fling one across the continent,” Skal retorted. Terez shook her head.

“That was out of necessity. I am not one to brag about my talents. I simply use them when necessary. Such as the illusion I just put down.”

“Illusion?” Blitzer tilted his head. Beside him, George thumbed his nose in a disinterested manner.

‘Well yeah, it is an illusion. Why else can I see through it?’

Terez nodded contently. “Indeed, an illusion. I am capable of conjuring up an image that looks very realistic to an unsuspecting eye. No one will suspect a thing, unless they investigate it for themselves. It is incredibly useful in situations like these, where we don’t want anyone following our scent. But it takes a lot of concentration to pull off properly. Only someone whose psychic sensitivity is that strong could understand and create illusions of their own.”

“Wow…” Blitzer’s tail tip twitched back and forth heavily. “I’ve never even heard of that kind of power before.”

Terez nodded along, her arms folded over each other in a calm manner “As I have said, it is a difficult art. Even the gifted would require years of practice to hone it properly.” She raised her head to let the sun shine up to her eyes. “But the results are worth it. Any pursuing Soldier should be held up for a while.”

“Are you sure about that?” George suddenly piped up.

“Hm? What do you mean, Othersider?” Terez asked in an innocent manner.

“Well, uh, I don’t know if the illusion is that effective. I could see through it.”

“...What?” Skal blurted out; a chill ran down George’s spine, overpowering the warmth of Blitzer’s flame. That Aggron was going to take a long time to get used to.

“Could you repeat that, Othersider?”

George swallowed a glob of saliva that had accumulated in his mouth. “Well, what I mean is, the other side of the trail was still spottable. It wasn’t easy, but I know what I saw, alright. It’s kind of like smog from factor- mist, I mean.” ‘Of all the times to blow my cover, not now!’

Terez’ eyes fell upon Blitzer. “Charmeleon Blitzer, yes? Did you see the same?”

Blitzer shook his head. “Nothing of the sort.”

“Interesting.”

“Is something wrong?” George asked. Terez lifted her feet off the ground, turning and floating backwards momentarily just to hold a hand in front of her chest.

“Not at all, Othersider. Carry on.”

George bit his cheek.

They cut their way through the woods for at least another hour, stopping on occasion only to lay down more obstacles on the path they had travelled. Eventually, they stumbled upon a dirt road in the middle of the forest, worn from the feet of all the Pokemon that had used it over the years. Their footsteps blended in with the others, and so they continued.

The road snaked on through the forests, eventually arriving at a short plain before climbing uphill. There were a handful of villages flanking the sides, each a mishmash of variously shaped buildings that looked as if they had simply risen from the ground one day. Each and every single one was bypassed. It was too risky to stop at one, and no empty stomach or tired limb would change that. Then again, with how similar the villages were to Greenfield, moving along might have been the better option.

Little besides warnings about the terrain or potential movement nearby was said to them as they made their way down the road. Blitzer’s attempts to get more information out of the two black-collared Pokemon went nowhere. Either Terez told him to be patient, or Skal threatened him with a foot in his groin - nothing more was said.

As time and villages passed, and questions continued to go unanswered, George and Blitzer grew evermore nervous. Blitzer kept his tail close by, walking like a scaredy Charmander looking for its mother, while George couldn’t keep his eyes steady on the road ahead, continuously fidgeting with the scarf wrapped around his neck.

All the while, Skal and Terez were sticking together up ahead, cracking jokes with each other as if nothing was wrong. At least, it sounded like joking, if their combined laughter was anything to go by. They seemed oblivious to the situation. As if George and Blitzer didn’t just have to leave their home behind.

It wasn’t until nightfall several hours later that some sort of reprieve finally found its way onto the horizon. The windrush of Skal’s tail making a wild lash filled the air; the Aggron’s shape reached out to a nearby hill beside the road with a single claw.

“Right, we’re stoppin’. That cache should be nearby, right?”

“Of course, I do not forget these things,” Terez said, lifting her dress slightly. “Othersider, Blitzer, come. We’ve got much to fill you in on.”

The Aggron had taken the initiative himself, and was already stomping his way up to the top. The Gardevoir breathed in deep, then followed in her companions footsteps. George felt a jitter in his feet; next to him, Blitzer stood holding out his tail. Their eyes met, and both shook their heads, before putting their feet forward as well.
 
Chapter 32

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Chapter 32 - Evaded​


What a day it had been. That was the common thought shared between most soldiers that had participated in the raid on Greenfield. A light jubilant mood had settled in among them; they’d pat each other on the back, groom each other’s fur, and congratulate one another on a job well done. The townsfolk had abandoned the quaint streets altogether, leaving just those wearing a green lap of cloth on their body somewhere out to enjoy the mood.

Luffy and Vli were standing watch in the town’s square, both wearing a light smile. Next to them sat a slumped over Raichu. He bore a dim expression on his gagged snout; all attempts to try and break through the ropes tied around his hands, or pierce through the wads of rubber stuck onto his cheeks had long ceased. It was hopeless. Vli kept an eye on him, his twisted right foot most of all.

“’Ey, Luffy.”

“Yeah?”

“You can’t deny that I got that guy pretty good, didn’t I?”

The Toucannon directed Luffy towards the Raichu; she gave a short nod in response.

“Hm, your aim was a little off though. You might want to practise that more.”

“Eh?” Vli beat a wing against his chest a single time. “You see that yourself, right?”

“Oh yes,” Luffy said with a bow, “That is quite something indeed. I guess a hit’s a hit with you regardless of where exactly you landed, isn’t it? I mean, I certainly wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of something like that, and I’ve had some nasty injuries prior to this, let me tell you!” She tapped a claw on her leg.

Vli’s head jolted upwards in a cocky manner. “Exactly right! Might’ve been a while since I’ve had to do something like it, but I’ve still got the touch. My moms and pops didn’t raise no weakling! Heck, I’m the reason they put the cannon in Toucannon to begin with!”

The Raichu beside them let out a pained groan. Vli, now annoyed that his little moment of glory had been interrupted, hopped over to the Raichu and smacked him across the head with one of his wings.

“Quiet, you! If you have anything to say, say it to the interrogator later!”

The electric rodent quieted down, visibly defeated. Luffy looked past him to the road out of town, her tail swaying up and down.

“Hm, we are going to give him opportunities to see his little son still, right? It wouldn’t be right to take that from him.”

“Eh?” Vli tilted his head in a forceful manner. “What do you mean?”

Luffy blew a little steam out of her mouth. “We all saw it back there, right? The little boy was crying his eyes out! That’s gonna stick with the poor kid for a long time, you know. We can’t just let that happen, can we?”

Vli shrugged. “Eh. Makin’ mountains out of Drilbur hills, I’d say. The little kid will be fine, he’s in our care now,” he said. A whine from the Raichu cut him off. “Hey! Shut it!” Vli lashed out again. The Raichu took a cut across the cheek, and a spark shot out of the rubber. His tail curled around his side, as tears began to well up in his eyes. Luffy looked away, stroking her arm for comfort.

“I hope you’re right…”

The conversation was suddenly stopped dead in its tracks by a thunderous crash. A bloodcurdling roar followed straight after, bristling fur and causing most of the soldiers in the square to jump into a defensive stance. Even the Raichu tried squirming away again.

“L-Luffy? Is that-””

A second bone chilling roar struck, coming from the café building on the opposing end of the square; it was dark inside.

“T-That’s Gareda, alright. No doubt about it.”

“Shall we, shall we have a look?” Vli asked. Luffy took her tail in hand.

“Y-yes, we should.”

* * *​

“Not today… NOT TODAY!!!”

Glass shards scattered over the floor as a bottle cracked open on the wooden walls, its contents splattering all over the drinkware, scraps of aged parchment and little wooden figurines that were stacked all over the bar. Gareda eyed the counter with a monstrous glare, her breaths vibrating in her throat with ever growing intensity, before she raised her talons and sliced a gash right through it, sending splinters from a figurine through the air.

“Come here you… come back here you lone eyed coward! You traitor! You spineless son of a bitch!”

Any optimism about this operation going as planned had disappeared in the time it took to blink. Gareda had him right where she wanted him to be. Cornered, no way out except through her and the twenty others she had stationed around the building. Any ways out should have been blocked and sealed tight. This shouldn’t have gone wrong.

She cursed under her breath, wiping the liquid off her fins with a growl. Her sensors died down: That Dusknoir had vanished without a trace. There was no direction which reacted stronger, not a trace of his spectral essence anywhere, he was gone with the winds of the storm. She heard footsteps behind her. Their scent and their aura was familiar to her by now, she didn’t have to look and see.

“Lord Gareda, lord Gareda! What is happening here? What happened to this place?” Vli asked in a higher pitch than he usually spoke with, as if he’d been speaking with Gareda for an hour already.

The Garchomp grumbled an exasperated breath out of her throat, kicking at the clutter by her feet out of frustration. “You don’t want to know…”

“But Gareda, you said it yourself that this Hein was incredibly dangerous,” Luffy said in an empathetic tone. “What if he did something to you?”

“I know that!” Gareda roared back, swaying her entire body around with a wild swing of her tail. Luffy staggered back, visibly shocked. Vli hid behind her.

“D-don’t take it out on us,” Vli said. Gareda gritted her teeth.

“I know that… I’m just pissed. Pissed! He was right there, and I…” she sucked in a breath .”I let him slip away! He was right there for the taking. I knew how that fat bastard was going to fight back against me if he’d resort to that. I was ready, ready I tell you! And he pulled a fast one on me!”

Gareda backed up against a wall, and sank down until she felt the cold touch of the ground press up against her. She put her talons on top of her head, burying her face under her fins. She felt as if she’d been beaten into a bloody pile of scales. Her talons ached, her tail stung, her back fin was sandwiched between the wall and the rest of her, glass was prickling her feet, the foul stench of a hundred different beverages was rotting in her nose, and her sensors were aching. To think that today was meant to go well.

“Don’t ever underestimate a damn ghost, ever…” ‘Especially not this one… Arceus, how stupid could I have been? The Lone Eye, of course he would manage to get past…’

Luffy held out a claw to Gareda “Well, we can’t just rest on our laurels then. Is this Hein important?”

“Extremely so,” Gareda said as Luffy was helping her back up. Her foot slipped past a glass shard. “Agh! I know his name. Can’t say anything for sure, but he has quite the history.”

“What kind of history?” Luffy asked.

“You don’t want to know, trust me,” Gareda grumbled. “Just take my word for it.”

“Eh?” Luffy raised a claw to her mouth, evidently trying to think of something to say.

“I said, just take my word for it, Luffy.” Gareda leaned right over her head. “I’ve done my research. I know his name. I know his ‘other name’. He is not a joke, and that’s all you need to know. Understood?”

Luffy’s tail fell onto the floor. “Y-yes, Gareda.”

Gareda turned away, and shook her head. “Good.” ‘I can’t protect everyone from him forever. Yet here I am, trying anyway.’

Vli eyed the rest of the café, his wings occasionally jittering from what had to be nerves. The bar was in ruins, and many of the stools and tables deeper in appeared to have been kicked aside. There were parts of the floor that creaked when stepped on, and walls that had a slight brown spray over them, which was darker than the wood that made up the wall, and a little faded out as if someone had tried to clean it off.

“So uh, this Hein. What did he do here?”

“Ran a café, he says.” Gareda took a few steps into the café, and got a noseful of ripe berry juice. “Take it with a giant pinch of salt. That ghost is hiding something. He has Alliance contacts, remember? Without him, those two wouldn’t have gotten their hands on the flute piece. He must be hiding something. We aren’t leaving this town until we’ve searched every nook and cranny of this cramped liquor shack.”

“Where could he be hiding something, though?” asked Luffy. “There’s not much room to hide things here, it looks like.”

Gareda looked Luffy dead in the eye. “Anywhere. Behind the walls, under the floorboards, even. Ghosts don’t think like we do, Luffy.” ‘How else could he have survived this damn smell for years.’

Luffy blushed. “Okay.”

“We should be after that ghost directly, too,” Vli suggested without an iota of a clue. “If he is so dangerous, then we-”

Gareda let out a growl, slashing at the air beside her with both her talons in a quick, yet visceral motion. It wasn’t difficult to imagine oneself in the path beside her; squint, and the echo of an attack would slice through your body as well. Vli fell silent in an instant, as if he had actually been hit.

“Forget about it.”

“But Gareda, you said he’s dangerous-”

“I did. And I’m dead serious. Go after him without a plan, and you’ll see just for yourself. I’m not interested in getting a whole squad of our people wiped clean off the planet. Besides, he is too far away for me to detect anymore. Arceus alone knows where he is now.”

Vli beat his wings as he worked to get a lump out of his throat. “But what do we do, then?”

“Keep an eye out for him. There’s no getting him without a good plan, I’m afraid to say.” ‘In more ways than one.’ Gareda shook her head. “Enough of the son of a bitch for now. Panic won’t get us closer to dealing with him. Show me how the rest of the operation went.”

“Well, we caught the Raichu,” Luffy said with full confidence. Gareda groaned.

“Show me, I said.”

“Oh.”

The three left the café to stew in its own stench. Before anything else, Vli and Luffy were all too happy to show Gareda what they had accomplished earlier, like children showing a scribble to their mother. And it wasn’t a bad scribble, either. She could smile a little at that. The Raichu they had captured was beyond pitiful. Couldn’t move, couldn’t fight, couldn’t cry: he had been utterly defeated. A pile of helpless rabble. Gareda didn’t even want to interrogate him anymore. Just leaving him in a cell was punishment enough.

Comforted a little, Gareda followed the two towards the final target of the raid, a little hovel on top of a small hill. To the eye, everything seemed in order. All of the troops she encountered on the way were keeping their eyes peeled as they should be. But something wasn’t right in the air. She sensed it, felt it brush by her body, tasted it, even.

Upon reaching the front door, the scent in the air became clear enough to be distinguishable: It was reminiscent of some kind of poison. Her eyes panned over the area; there was some kind of writing on the ground by her feet. Whatever optimism she might’ve gained on the way here faded faster than her eyes reassumed the scowl she had taken on after Hein’s escape. Poison alone doesn’t create this kind of atmosphere. Someone had made an error, and not a small one either.

“May the team leader here show themselves?”

Gareda’s voice rang clear as crystal. One Soldier, a Mienshao with a green scarf half the size of Gareda’s, came out of the hovel and walked towards Gareda, then bowed in front of her.

“My apologies, lord Gareda. We are not done here yet.”

“State your name first.” Gareda eyed the Mienshao with inquisitive intent.

“Zau, lord Gareda. My name is Zau,” the Mienshao stated, folding her arms over each other in a protective manner. She was giving off little confidence, even for a question so preposterously simple. Gareda’s eyes narrowed.

“Where are the prisoners?”

Zau made a quick bow, her tail laid flat against the ground. “They’re… in the house, my lord. My apologies, they have made quite the mess. A few of our troops were injured when apprehending them.”

“Bring them here. I want to see them for myself.”

Gareda steeled herself for what was to come. That the Oshawott had managed to injure some of the finest troops she had did not come as a surprise. On the contrary, it made perfect sense. The aura that boy had around him had left a mark on her, and she had only been in his presence for brief moments. Even now, the pressure in the air didn’t lift. He had to be down there, still looking for a way to break free.

So many questions rang through Gareda’s head as the Mienshao ordered the troops under her thumb to do as she asked. Questions that had been haunting her for the past few weeks, and would soon be answered. Who he is, the cause of his strong aura, and why the Alliance had taken such an interest in him. She wanted nothing more than to be free of these thoughts, no matter how. Whether it was all smoke, or a raging inferno, she had to douse it all with water. Flood it. Drown it, cast it into the abyss.

Instead, she only saw further smoke billowing on the horizon: Just two prisoners came out of the house. A Nidorino, and a Nidorina. Both struggled to walk, were covered in cuts and bruises that warped their scaly hides, and were speechless. Zau came up to Gareda, and bowed once more.

“Here you are, my lord. The prisoners, as you requested.”

Gareda eyed the couple for some time. As battered as they were, they still looked on defiantly. The Nidorino even spat at his captor’s feet. One Soldier moved in to react; Gareda put a fin in between.

“...What is this?”

“Hm? Did you say something?” Zau raised her whiskers. Gareda’s scowl soured to the lowest.

“I said, what is this? What is the meaning of this?! You cannot seriously be telling me that this is it, right? Look at them!”

“...I do not understand what is wrong, my lord.”

Zau stared on in front of herself, half dreaming, half afraid. Gareda felt the beat of her heart speed up in her chest. She hadn’t made a mistake when ordering the plans, had she? They were looking for an Oshawott more than anyone else. Not the Raichu, not the other collaborators, not even that accursed Hein. The focus had been on the capture of that freckled little boy. A mission so critical that burning through the goodwill of all the Pokemon of the region was seen as a worthwhile sacrifice. Nothing else mattered, nothing.

Yet here they stood, in the middle of a town with zero locals daring to go on the streets, and no Oshawott. Just two raging poisonlings kicking at their restraints, and a depressed Raichu.

“I… I gave you orders, damn it! You utter fool! Where is that OSHAWOTT?!”

Gareda stepped towards Zau with heavy strides, throwing her arm out in a slashing motion. The Mienshao gasped and backed away, quickly getting herself cornered against the wall of the hovel. The other Soldiers looked on in horror.

“I-”

“WHERE IS HE?!” Gareda roared.

“W-we don’t know! He and his friend may have escaped through the back entrance-”

“Back entrance? You didn’t know there was a back entrance?!”

“My lord, we are sorry! It was hidden behind a bunch of overgrowth, we couldn’t see it-”

Gareda hissed, choked on her breath, staggered away a step with a wide sway of her tail. The pressure boiled inside her. She craned her head up at the sky, and roared as hard as her lungs would let her. She felt as if there was a vine around her neck, choking the breath out of her body. She had to let it all out.

When she finished, the other Soldiers present had backed away, and not by a faint amount either. Gareda couldn’t bear looking any of them in the eye, let alone the prisoners, whose terrified gasping rang louder in her own ears than the roar somehow did.

‘I may have gone too far, no, I’ve gone way overboard. You’re better than this, Gareda. Calm down, just calm down. It will come alright, she won’t lay a vine on them if you just, just calm down.’


She glanced over her shoulder; Zau was still standing there. Judging by her shaky legs, not for much longer. Gareda shook her head.

“Just… get out there now, and plan something, fast. Search the area for him. I will plan something more long term if he escapes your notice. And when I say fast, I mean like you’ve got lightning nipping at your arse. Got it?”

“Y-yes, my lord. It will be done.”

Zau motioned for the others to follow, who timidly followed in her footsteps. Gareda was left alone for the moment. She sat down on the ground, crossing her feet over one another while letting her tail curl up around her side. She tapped her talons into the dirt, trying to clear her head. Today was a disaster.

But the silence wouldn’t last long. Two voices came calling from the path leading back to the town, and Gareda’s eyes fell upon something scratched into the dirt. Something that shouldn’t be scratched into the dirt.

“Gareda, is something wrong?”

She held a talon over the scratches in the dirt, studying them carefully. Then, it hit her.

‘Those are Unown runes…’
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, there’s a Review Event going on offsite, and one of my goals as part of it was to pay forward some of the generosity that I received during Review Blitz 5 this year. You were one of the more prolific reviewers of my stuff as part of it, so I figured that was as good a reason as any to notch another one of your chapters under my belt.

Chapter 10

“Alright, who wants it?”

“I do!”

“I choose… you!”

“Yes! Finally!”

“Hey, I haven’t had it in a while!”

A week had passed since the food crisis concluded. Life in the village had largely returned to normal, minus a few extra worries about everyone getting fed. Fortunately, plenty of capable foragers resided in Greenfield, and news of the Soldiers seizing their food stores had spread far enough to attract merchants, who were all too happy to profit from it the town’s misfortune. Despite it the practice being as moral as stealing family relics, no one complained. No one complains when It was hard to push away someone offering them a helping hand in a dark time, even if the hand was covered in mud.

Left some scattered rephrasing suggestions here. Though if those first few lines are meant to be a merchant who’s come to sell food in Greenfield, it might make sense to pull at least some of your description paragraph at the very end of this forward to the very beginning to set the scene, since my reflexive assumption was that we were seeing more of George and Blitzer and not random villagers at market.

For Blitzer and George, normalcy meant a week of peace. They got to meet others their age after some hard convincing on Blitzer’s part, went to Greenwood Forest a few more times, and spent their days the time between playing around. George gained a little more control over his water breathing, though not much, while Blitzer stuck to what he already knew. The forest wasn’t teaching him anything new, according to him.

Is the “what” that Blitzer stuck to meant to be his moves or something else? It might make sense to be a bit more explicit about things than you presently are at the moment. Like my assumption was his moves, but given that the point of comparison beforehand was George’s water breathing, I was a bit less sure.

Today was another sunny day of sun and with nothing much to do. They were throwing a ball around with other kids in the village, every participant fortunate to have hatched with two arms. For a while they went at it, enjoying themselves as they tossed the ball back and forth. Eventually, the game died down, with George being the one holding the ball at the end.

“Ha, this is fun, but it sure is exhausting!” said Junior, a Pikachu. The son of Speedy, who was also named Speedy, and went by Junior instead.

So I guess that Junior’s a Speedy Speed Boy, huh? :V

Though I didn’t realize that the village kids were going to be important enough to be explicitly named. If that’s the case, I wonder if it should have been front-loaded to sometime before they actually start talking on screen instead of being introduced after the fact.

Offhand, you could handle that in the spot earlier on explaining the “right, that’s what we did all week” paragraph towards the very beginning of this scene. Or else if playing up that George isn’t that familiar with the village kids, you could do it as a part of your first paragraph here which is also a convenient way of establishing how many kids are present as well as George’s “Right, that’s Speedy here, that’s Minor Character over there, that’s Extra-Who’s-Never-Appearing off to Minor Character’s right…” or the like.

“You’re right about that!” Blitzer said right after.

“Heey, what are you all complaining about? I’m not tired at all!” said a Cubone named Corst. “I thought fires and electrics were supposed to be all energetic.”

Yeah, see the recommendation about introducing the village kids before having them speak up. Though just filing it away for the future that you can apparently use type names as a shorthand for Pokémon that have that typing in this setting.

Blitzer crossed his arms. “Ah don’t be such a downer, you. Just because you like wearing a rock on your head doesn’t mean the rest of us are lazy!”

Corst: “It’s. A. Skull!
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[ ]

“What? What did you say?!” Corst yelled, the voice echoing through the skull-shaped helmet he was wearing.

[ ]


“Blitzer, noo…”

Junior approached Corst to try and comfort him a little, his ears laying low. Corst wasn’t pleased to hear anyone making fun of his hat, let alone the only fire type in the village.

It might make sense to explicitly describe Corst getting mad/upset here and Junior’s reaction / attempt to cheer Corst up a bit, since it took me a while to figure out what the intended nuance was (I’m pretty sure that Corst is meant to be close to crying by the time Junior steps in here) in a way that wouldn’t have been the case with a bit more explicit description of everyone’s body language and reactions.

Though I can see why Blitzer doesn’t have much in the way of friends in this village.
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Realizing what he’d done, Blitzer hurriedly followed in Junior’s footsteps. “Wait, no, I didn’t mean it that way-” he said. He got halfway to Corst before coming to a stop. It hadn’t been his choice to. before an Abra cut him off with a sharp harrumph.

“Just shut up, Blitzer.” An Abra hovered in between the two. she snapped. “Let him explain himself before you start coming with excuses. Please. We gave you another chance, don’t make us regret it.she said.

Wait, how is George reacting to all of this anyways? Like is he taken aback by Blitzer’s demeanor to the other village children? Is he taken aback at how offended they got over a passing comment when for all George knows, Corst really is wearing a rock? Like you seem to be rolling with third person limited perspective in this story, so it probably makes sense to acknowledge how George is parsing things a bit more, especially if this scene is meant to be written from his perspective. From Blitzer’s perspective, you’d think that there’d be a part of him that would be worried about making George mad, since if he’s this bad with the other village kids, I’m surprised that he isn’t utterly terrified of potentially making George angry at him given that he vibes as having trouble making friends.

“Okay…” Blitzer let his arms hang in defeat. By this time, George had dropped the ball and walked over to get closer to the rest.

[ ]


“I don’t care what you thought you were saying, it really hurts to hear you say that. My mother made it for me! She put all her heart into it, and you now want to make fun of me for it?” Corst said, his voice echoing out of the eye holes. “That’s low, even for you!”

Another spot where IMO it might show Corst and the others’ reaction a bit before Corst speaks up.

George didn’t want to stand around while everyone argued. Whatever came Blitzer’s way was bound to come his way too; Blitzer had introduced him, after all. And given where things were headed from the turn that the group’s mood had taken, they were on the verge of being left in a dust cloud. With the way the Charmander hung his arms and struggled to look anyone in the eye, something had to be said.

“Everybody, can we not argue? This isn’t how I want things to end.”

Wait “left in a dust cloud”? Do you mean to say that things are about lead to a fight? Or that the other village kids are about to bail? It might make sense to say things one way or another more plainly.

Junior folded his arms. “Well, Blitzer should apologise. That comment of his about Corst’s skull was uncalled for.

“Yeah, he should!” a Buizel about George’s height said. Her size was an odd sight.

Wait, just how many village kids are there in this scene right now? Since they’ve been multiplying a bit. .-.

George nodded. “I agree. He shouldn’t have said it. But don’t take it personally. I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”

[ ]


“Yeah,” Blitzer meekly said.

Corst nodded. [ ]

Alright then, new guy... Well, Blitzer?”

[ ]


“I’m sorry, Corst. It was uncalled for.”

“Will you not do it again?”

“Yes. I’m so sorry. It won’t ever happen again, I promise.”

[ ]


“Thank you, that’s better.”

This feels like another scene that’s a bit heavy on disembodied dialogue at the moment. Like I get that you have a meta goal of keeping your chapters compact and lightweight to read, but I do feel like there’s some mood shifts here going on in this sequence that are significant enough to explicitly describe for your readers, especially since they can go a long ways to showing how various characters (especially Corst and Junior if they’re meant to reappear in the future) tick.

Corst sat down on a tiny bench at the edge of the village’s stream, watching the water flow by. Perhaps it wasn’t the cleanest way to ease the tension, but George was glad it didn’t get any worse. The last thing anyone needed was a reignited feud.

A yellow finger tapped George’s shoulder; he whipped his head around. [ ]


You know George, I was initially nervous about you, what with Blitzer and all, but you’re pretty nice,” Junior said.

“Totally! When I first saw you, I was like, ‘no way’!” the Buizel said.

Wait, is the ‘with Blitzer’ meant to be about George hanging out with Blitzer and thus they had certain assumptions of what he might be like? If so, it might make sense to say that more plainly. Also, it probably makes sense to explicitly mention that George sees Junior and Tall!Buizel looking at him before they start speaking up, since I got a bit thrown by things for a sec there.

George stared at both the pair with a sheepish, unamused face. “Thanks, I guess…” ‘Do I really look that silly?’

“Well, that’s George for you,” Blitzer said, laying an arm around George’s neck, which made George glad he wasn’t wearing his scarf any longer. “Sure, he’s a little different, but he’s a good friend. I’m glad you’ve all given him a chance.”

[ ]


“You’re right about him being different. You have to be a little out there to stick with Blitzer for that long!” the Buizel said. The whole group laughed except for George, who kept his reaction to a few pretend chuckles.

Yeeeeeeeeah, maybe I should be a bit less surprised that Blitzer is apparently reflexively snippy and passive-agressive with the other village kids if that’s the way that they treat him.
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‘I thought we had this whole no bullying thing down.’

[ ]


“But really, I mean it. He might have an odd name and it’s weird how he doesn’t even know here he’s from. But George is just who we needed, I think,” Junior said, scratching a cheek hard enough to draw sparks. “I’m glad that we made up with Blitzer. My dad told me that it’s not any good to kick people aside forever. That’s what my dad told me.

Honey, if this is your definition of not kicking Blitzer aside, I’m not sure if I want to see what ‘kicking Blitzer aside’ looked like.
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The Buizel nodded. “That’s right. George, you’ve been a real surprise. A welcome one!” she said, much to the delight of most in attendance. George couldn’t help but notice Corst in the distance however, watching the stream as if he were meditating.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it, but I’m not so sure if Corst agrees with any of you.”

[ ]

“Oh, that’s just Corst for you,” the Buizel said. “He’s always been shy to accept things, don’t worry about it. He’ll come around eventually.”

Blitzer: “(George, are you seriously just playing along with this when they’re still treating me like I’m some sort of problem here?!)” [WHY]
George: “(Blitzer, let’s deal with this someplace that’s not in public, okay?)” >_>;

[ ]

“Why is that, though?” asked George. The Buizel shrugged, as did Junior and all the others.

“No particular reason,” Junior said. “What I do know is that he still has his parents, so that’s not it. Corst is just the way he is. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m glad we’re all different and not the same. Makes it all more fun!”

I kinda wonder if it makes sense to have George wonder what on earth is going on with Corst in his inner thoughts a bit more explicitly. Especially if he’s already been exposed to the ‘Cubone are frequently orphans’ lore since coming into his present world.

I dunno, maybe I’m just overthinking things, but George’s line does read as if it’s meant to come after some sort of pause there.

“Yeah! That’s why I took George here to begin with!” Blitzer said. “He’s not like anyone here at all!”

Junior nodded. “You told us, Blitzer. But did he really never tell you where he’s from?”

George rested his arms in front of his scalchop, and kept his tail close by. This wasn’t the time to spill the beans. Then again, would there ever be a right time for it?

George, if you have to ask yourself if it’s the right time to be public about your background as a human, it’s not the right time, just saying.

“Nope!” Blitzer excitedly shouted. The less confident Blitzer was, the louder he got. George bit at his cheeks; his turn was next.

“Well, George? Where are you from?”

“Uhm…” George’s hand shot up to scratch an itch behind his ear. “To be honest, I don’t really know where I’m from. Up north, I think.”

Wait, is “his turn” meaning that Blitzer is starting to get curious and stare at him? This is another moment where it feels like you have something in mind as an author, but it feels a bit vaguely phrased in the present narration.

[ ]

“What do you mean, you don’t know where you’re from? Have you never seen a map before?” asked Junior. George shook his head.

“No, actually. I don’t know if my family was too poor for one, but I haven’t seen one. What I do know is that I come from a place that’s colder than here, so that’s why I’m guessing I’m from up north.”

inb4 Greenfield is in a southern hemisphere and everybody just stares at him with the explanation of “bruh, it gets warmer as you head further north
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[ ]

“Cool!” said the Buizel. “You mean around Luminity, or all the way in Whitiara? What’s it like? Did you grow up with other Oshawott? I’ve never seen any other Oshawott around.”

Whelp, Greenfield is in a northern hemisphere confirmed. Though this feels like another spot to show the gears turning a bit more in the characters’ heads, especially if George is a bit worried as to how accepted his explanation will be when he’s just BSing whatever he thinks might sound plausible aside from “yeah, I was just straight-up isekaied here”.

Blitzer cleared his throat. “Heey, this is great and all, but maybe we shouldn’t pile the questions onto George so much. He’s still new here, after all,” he said, as he got in between the Buizel and a thus far silent Sentret, placing his claws on their backs. “We should give him some space, he’ll tell us eventually, right?”

George tepidly nodded. “...sure.” ‘I’m going to regret saying that.’

I… question whether or not this Sentret was really needed as opposed to just reusing the Abra from earlier given that the Sentret has literally played no role in this conversation up to this point while the four other kids we’ve seen so far in this scene have. I dunno, maybe the dynamic would be different if the Sentret was introduced earlier, or else if the narration was clear that there were so many kids present that George was having trouble keeping track or something.

“Yeah, so give him some room!” Blitzer continued. Junior shrugged.

“Oh, sure thing. Although, couldn’t you have let him say that himself?”

[ ]

“Oh, yeah.” Blitzer sheepishly backed off. “Anyway, does anyone know what we should do next? I think we’ve thrown the ball enough for today.”

“Not really, no,” said Junior. “Do you have any ideas?”

Blitzer: “... Well, we could go and train in one of the local Mystery Dungeons-”
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Local Kids:
bdd.jpg


Blitzer was hardly able to contain himself; from his movements to the gleam in his eyes, it was clear there were plenty of ideas buzzing around in that head of his. But he wouldn’t Except, before he got the opportunity to tell anyone about them, someone had came to and nipped those plans in the bud.

Oh, so he really was thinking of dragging everyone off onto one of his dungeon runs, huh?
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Though let’s see who just came in to ruin Blitzer’s fun and games.

“Excuse me. You’re Blitzer, right? The Charmander?”

The group’s attention was drawn to a Tangrowth that had snuck up on them. Blitzer leaned backwards, unsure of what to say.

Um, yeah, that’s him,” Junior said. “Is there something wrong?”

The Tangrowth shook its head, the tendrils hanging off its face shaking back and forth. “Oh, not really, no. Nothing I’m aware of, I’m a simple courier. Oh yes, this message is also for one… Jor-Je? Geyorj? Something like that? The Oshawott kid over there, most likely. Yes.”

Ah yes, just getting random messages in the setting where there’s apparently some sort of evil queen with malicious soldiers going around. Totally not ominous and suspicious at all.

George’s cheeks puffed themselves up. “Err, yes. That would be me. Unless there’s another Oshawott named George you’re looking for.” ‘And another Charmander named Blitzer.’

The Tangrowth nodded. “Ah yes. Most pleasant. Most pleasant indeed. Normally I would be one handing you a message, but not this time. How odd. In any case, I’ve been asked to tell you there’s a letter with your names on it waiting for you in the local café. You know where the café is, correct?”

5f0.gif


… Yeah, this sounds like a really, really good reason to have a proxy go and pick up that letter for you two, just saying.

Blitzer nodded. “We sure do. I probably know it better than anyone in the village,” he said, harkening back to all the times he’d been kicked out when attempting to sneak in. Then the realisation hit him in the face. “Hey, wait a minute, no one except adults are allowed in there! How are we supposed to pick up the letter if we’re not allowed in?”

“Oh, no worries,” the Tangrowth said, lifting up the tendrils around his mouth in the form of a smiley. “I also meant to tell you that you are allowed to go in to pick up the message, no problem. Apparently it is a special delivery! Now I must say, you are both quite young to be moving up in the world, but congratulations.”

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Yeah, I’m not convinced at all that Blitzer and George want to be anywhere near that letter in person, just saying. Since this all just screams “suspicious and will wind up causing problems later on”.

George scratched the back of his head. “Wait, who sent us this letter, exactly?”

“Oh, I don’t know!” The Tangrowth put its arms up. “No one ever told me. You will have to wait and see. Now, if you excuse me, I need to get going. I have some other deliveries to make, if none of you kids mind.”

“Wait, is there anything you can tell us?” Blitzer asked. But the Tangrowth had already made up its mind, and had begun waddling off elsewhere.

Actually wait, is the Tangrowth the normal delivery ‘mon or something like that? At first I didn’t think so, but if so, it might’ve made sense to have some combination of Blitzer and/or George give some sort of passing “right, I’ve seen this ‘mon around making deliveries” commentary in narration or something like that.

“As I said, I do not know! You will have to go and see for yourselves. Have a nice day, children.”

And with that, the Tangrowth was gone. Blitzer and George were left dumbfounded. Why on earth would they of all people would receive a letter from a stranger? was something neither of them understood. At first George was a little suspicious, but now he didn’t know anymore.

“What is this?” George asked. “Soldiers? No, I don’t think so thought they didn’t see us the night Lance brought us home.”

It might make sense to elaborate a bit in narration as to why George finds things suspicious, since this is a bit “informed” at the moment.

“I can guarantee you it’s not them,” Blitzer said. “They wouldn’t send weird letters, they’d just come straight for you.”

[ ]


“Um, guys? What are you going to do?” asked Junior. Blitzer pulled a sour face.

“We’re going to have a look. I’m curious about this. You in, George?”

Huh. I didn’t realize that the other kids were still here for all of this. It might make sense to play it up a bit and show them all gathering and gawking curious at what just happened or something like that.

“...right.” George docked his tongue in one of his cheeks.

While Blitzer jumped the gun without asking as usual, he wasn’t the lone curious soul among them. Why someone in the world outside of this village would want to contact them of all people was a mystery, one George longed to know the answer of.

No word about him had gotten out there, had it? In any case, it also meant getting to see the one piece of forbidden territory in the village, and that had to have gotten Blitzer’s curiosity tingling.

Your paragraph here is long enough that it should be divided up into smaller ones. IMO, at a bare minimum, you should consider splitting George’s dialogue up from the rest, but I thought the remaining paragraph was big enough to be worth considering formatting it as two smaller ones.

Junior nodded. “That’s fine by me. Even though my dad tells me to not accept things from strangers, I don’t see why a mailman wouldn’t be trustworthy!

Yeeeeeeah, it might make sense to firmly establish that Tangrowth was a local mailman. I mean, it was kinda done from his “normally, I’d be delivering this to you”, but I didn’t get a strong vibe that he was a “oh, it’s just the mailman” type guy.

“I don’t know,” said Abra, curiously bobbing up and down using her telekinesis. “All of it seems very suspicious to me. Okay, why exactly that is, I don’t know why exactly, but there’s something about all of this…” She shook her head. “Has anyone seen that Tangrowth before?”

The whole group shook their heads. “Well, no, but he’s a postman from outside town, isn’t he? We occasionally get those coming in, right?” Blitzer asked.

Okay, yeah. The sus-o-meter readings are off the charts right now. Though I suppose that that’s the reason why you didn’t explicitly have Blitzer pull a “Oh hi, Jack!” on the Tangrowth earlier on.

“Yeah, we do,” said the Buizel.

“That’s right. Maybe he’s just a new postman!” the Sentret added.

[ ]


“I don’t know about that, guys,” Abra said. “Don’t postmen normally have a bag to carry the mail in? That Tangrowth didn’t have one. This might be just a bunch of nonsense I’m saying, but it seems so odd.”

IBDWfK.gif


Blitzer nodded. “Don’t worry. I don’t see how this could go wrong if we just go to the café. The worst that might happen is that we’ll get kicked out again, that’s all.”

… Or you get abducted and stuffed into a bag to be spirited out of the village. Seriously, Blitzer. Have your parents go and get the letter for you or something.
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[ ]


“Okay. But do be careful, please? I don’t want either of you getting hurt.”

“We can handle ourselves, Alcia, don’t worry.”

de7.png


Let’s find out!

And With that, Blitzer dragged George off to the town square, leaving only enough time for a goodbye and a wave. George frowned as he waddled off, eyeing the back of Blitzer’s head the whole time.

‘Well thanks for that. Barely had the chance to even learn their names yet, and it’s been a week! So that Pikachu is Junior, I know that much, and that Cubone is Corst. Now that Abra is named… ‘Alcia’, something like that? Ugh, I’m already lost… never heard any of these names before.’

What is the ‘that’ which George is thinking about there? The whole awkward incident that Blitzer caused with his comment about Corst’s skull? Consider saying things a bit more bluntly about what you’re talking about here.

Sunlight beamed through a gap in the clouds onto the town’s square. Once again there was plenty of activity here, from discussions around the billboard, to the people passing through, to the crowd gathered at the entrance to the café. Blitzer put a hand before George, then gulped.

“This is it, George. Moment of truth, either we’re getting in or we’re not getting in.”

George tepidly gazed at the building before him: Larger than any house around town, the café was painted in a fascinating bright red. Through tiny windows, one could see patrons inside enjoying themselves. Something about it seemed inviting; a band could be heard playing music inside, the occasional laugh sounded, too. It made the sign on the side of the door reading ‘NO CHILDREN ALLOWED’ all the more bitter.

George: “... Blitzer, you’re sure that you don’t want to just go and ask your parents to go and get the letter for us? Since if we were already finding that letter suspicious, maybe it’d make sense to err on the side of caution.
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“Are you ready, George?” asked Blitzer.

[ ]


“I don’t see why you would need to be ready for this, but I guess I am,” George said.

“Alright then, let’s do this!”

Whelp, time to see how quickly things go sideways for these two.

Side by side, they stepped inside the café. The place sure seemed a lot more inviting from outside; it was dim, and there was an odd cramped smell in the air. Under the sound of a lone musician strumming on some sort of leaf guitar was the murmur of a handful of conversations between the patrons. There were no familiar faces anywhere in sight. George bit his lip.

“So, this is it?”

Blitzer nodded. “Yeah,“ he said, holding onto his tail. “This is it, alright. Normally I’d be getting kicked out now, but-”

Part of me wonders whether or not it’d have made sense to do a hard scene break going into this block, since up until this point, you’ve had over 60% of this chapter happen in a continuous scene with no breaks and adding one here would seem decently organic.

… Though then again, it also works fine as a transition to just keep going on, so… pick your poison, really.
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“Why yes, you’re right.”

A voice echoed through the walls. The kids gasped, jumping away from the wall to their immediate left. There was no one to be seen.

“Wh-who is there?!” Blitzer stammered through his chattering teeth.

“Oh, just the bartender of this little hovel, that’s all.”

So… the café’s bartender is a ghostmon? Or at least I think that’s where this is going?

The voice came from below Blitzer’s feet this time. The Charmander yelped and jumped for George’s side, who stepped backwards in response. George quaked as the adrenaline flowed through him. The voice spoke with an echo from the world beyond, as if filtered through a crystal, yet felt so close to the soul. Something that existed only in movies back home.

Okay, yeah. The bartender’s a ghostmon. I can already tell.

“Wh-where are you?” Blitzer said, choking on each of his words. At the very least, he had the bravery to say anything. George had been overwhelmed. His heart beat against the walls of his chest in an attempt to escape, his feet were on the verge of crumpling, all while every speck of thought in his head was telling him to get out.

All the while, the musician continued to strum, and the other patrons merely looked up from their drinks to see what the commotion was all about.

“Right here.”

Large gray hands appeared on both of their backs. Blitzer and George anxiously turned their heads. From the antenna, the lone eye, and the gigantic stomach mouth, both knew from instinct what they were looking at.

I’m beginning to see why kids don’t come to this café, just saying.
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Blitzer + George:
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“GHO-”

The hands moved over their mouths. “How predictable. Always the same story, ‘Oh, no, a ghost!’ Why, thank you. I definitely needed to hear that for the millionth time in a row. Why is it so strange that I am a functioning member of society? Did I ask to be created this way?” he spoke with a bitterness in his voice. “No, I don’t think so. so please. The Next time, no yelling, no screaming, no crying, nothing. Understood?”

Getting some serious [gardexhausted] energy coming from the barkeep here. I wonder how frequently he has to go through this song and dance with his more jittery customers.

Blitzer and George slowly nodded back at the Dusknoir behind their backs. The ghost rolled its lone eye back at them. “Good,” he said, before taking his hands back. “The name’s Hein. Let’s get down to business, shall we?”

A barkeep named 'Hein', huh? Doe he have an assistant or apprentice named ‘Eken’, too?
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George was left feeling disturbed. ‘Of everything so far, the Grim Reaper as a bartender… has it all beat.’

George: “Remind me to never come to this place on my own again.” O_O;

“Where… where is the guard?” Blitzer asked, keeping his tail close by.

“Home. It’s his day off,” Hein said. “Enough lollygagging, follow.”

Oh, so the guard’s named ‘Eken’, then? :P

Blitzer and George did as was asked by Hein as he hovered his way behind the bar, then into a room behind the bar. Despite being a single door removed from the rest of the building, the café atmosphere had vanished. In the darkness sat barrels and cupboards, in addition to a few mats on the wooden floor. Hein took something off the shelf, then gestured towards the mats.

“There. Have a seat.”

“Yes, sir.”

Blitzer: “Okay, yeah. We should’ve just had mom and dad pick up the letter for us.”
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George dropped onto his backside, cringing as he got settled; his tail had gotten under him. Standing back up to fix that wasn’t in the cards. Hein didn’t seem in the mood to allow that, and George wasn’t willing to find out the consequences.

Hein hovered to the end of the room, and folded his arms. “So then. Of all the people I’d expect to talk to, you two snotnoses were just about the last ones on my list. Yet here we are,” his voice echoed.

Also, the image link you have embedded here appears broken. You might need to upload the link from Discord that you’re using for your image embed.

George: “Look, in my defense, but I’ve literally never met you before or even heard of your name in my life.” O_O;

Blitzer grimaced at the black ghost. “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand.”

“What I mean is, I wasn’t expecting you idiots to be the ones I’d have to talk to, but here we are,” Hein said, his body bent forwards to get the children’s blood pumping. “Anyway. You have gotten yourselves… a letter. Someone’s taken notice of what you’re doing and has a little request for you. That person, whoever they are, is asking you to go somewhere.”

George: “Well, that’s certainly… vague. Can you get any more detailed than that, Hein-?”
Hein:
bdd.jpg

George: “... Yeah, I should’ve expected as much.” ._.;

“R-really?” asked Blitzer, eyes beaming. “Is it, is it telling asking us to go and explore for them?”

“Yes,” Hein answered.

“WOOHOO!” Blitzer leapt into a cheer, an uncontrollable smile all over the earlier frights and scares, not to mention his tail flaring with excitement. “George, George!! We’re exploring for someone! We’re going to be official explorers!! Can you believe-”

George: “Blitzer, are we really getting excited by this guy telling us to go and explore?”
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Though this sequence doesn’t explicitly say that the letter is requesting the exploration to be done for a client. It might make sense to say that outright, since Blitzer feels like he’s jumping a few steps ahead in thought process otherwise.

The Charmander’s cheers were stopped dead in their tracks by a gray hand grabbing onto his head.

Shut it, kid. Someone asked you to go and look at something for them, nothing more,” Hein snapped. “And what even is ‘an official explorer’? There’s no Explorer’s Guild. There hasn’t been an organisation of the sort for sixty years. Put the fantasies down, will you?”

Getting flashbacks to the fate of the Irian Guild from Dual Wills. I wonder if the Explorer’s Guild had similar politics-induced problems back in the day, but I suppose that will be a question to be answered another day.

Blitzer sank back onto the mat. “...Sorry.”

Hein shook his antenna around. [ ]

Right… where were we. Ah yes, the assignment description. Here it is.” With all the subtlety of an elephant in a china shop, he pressed the letter into George’s hands. “Read it carefully. It contains the instructions on what it is you need to do.”

George: “And you couldn’t have just had this dropped off at Nero and Nera’s place why again?”
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“But didn’t you know them yourself?” Blitzer asked. “That’s what the postman said-”

“No. I didn’t even open the letter. How would I know?”

[ ]


‘Magical ghost powers?’ George thought to himself.

It might make sense to take a moment to describe Hein and George’s mutual reaction to each other. Especially if Hein’s getting a bit more animated in terms of gestures right about now.

[ ]

“Why didn’t you read them?” Blizter asked.

It probably makes sense to describe Blitzer’s side-eyeing of Hein a bit more, whether in its own paragraph, or attached to the sequence where George thinks to himself.

Hein scoffed back at the orange lizard. “What, is that normal to you? Do you go around reading other people’s mail? Kid, learn some manners. Last thing the world needs is another Charizard like you.”

Blitzer… has actually read other people’s mail in the past, hasn’t he?
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Blitzer folded his arms and stared through the window. “I could’ve sworn that postman said-”

“Maybe you should get your ears examined. Or that postman was lying,” Hein harrumphed. “In any case, I know nothing. Now please, you’ve got your message. Off with you, yes?”

“Yes,Blitzer/George said.

With a grumble and a hum respectively, Blitzer and George went away, lacking the courtesy to say goodbye on their way out. Hein himself wasn’t in the mood for it, either, it turned out. For a chance meeting, the energy had been lacking it’d sure been underwhelming… though maybe that was a good thing. George vaguely recalled a saying from an old story George had read came to mind in his own world: ‘No matter the situation, never play around with the Reaper; his scythe’s touch is as cold as the grave.’

He was starting to understand where it came from.
All throughout the meeting, Hein had been in control, whether through dulling emotions or shutting down any words that stood against his own. Despite Hein’s earlier voice, George couldn’t help but feel that they had gotten off lucky.

Went a bit out on a limb on this one, but made some suggestions for phrasing tweaks to this sequence. The last paragraph in particular felt like it was long enough to be rendered as two separate ones.

“Boy, I’m sure glad that’s over…”

“No kidding, right? Who does that ghost think he is?!” Blitzer pouted.

“At least he gave us our mail.” George held up the letter in front of Blitzer’s face to try and calm him down. “Do you think he hasn’t read it?”

I mean, wouldn’t you be able to tell if it’s been tampered with? Or can Hein phase his face through envelopes and distinct layers of paper? ^^;

Blitzer shook his head. “I don’t care.”

George’s ears flattened. “But didn’t the Tangrowth say the barman would know? You said it yourself.”

“I don’t care. I don’t even want to read our mail right now, okay? Ugh!”

A warm breath escaped Blitzer’s mouth, causing George to take a step back as he felt it breeze past his face. [ ]

Let’s just go home for now.”

If Blitzer’s supposed to have more of a ‘calming down’ moment, it might make sense to describe it more explicitly. Though yeah, I’m not convinced at all that

“Shouldn’t we go back to the others?”

I mean, I question how much fun Blitzer was having at the end of that sequence, George, so…
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“Maybe later. I don’t want to talk right now.”

George sighed, and began to walk out of the square. Today had gotten ten hours longer.

Yeah, I figured. Since I was honestly a little surprised that Blitzer wasn’t more upset over the terms that the other village kids ended their fun and games with, since it honestly felt like they were ganging up on him more than a little bit. ^^;

Alright, this one took me a bit longer to get out the door thanks to life being a jerk, but by and large I liked what you were going for here. It seemed like you were going for a bit of a setup chapter here, both showing off more of how Blitzer relates (or more accurately doesn’t relate) to the rest of the village while teeing up promises of seeing the world outside Greenfield and future problems. Since I can see that bit where Hein didn’t recognize the Tangrowth courier, and I’m not convinced that that was just innocent happenstance there in a world where a sketchy monarchy has its designs on George. I thought that Hein was a fun character introduced to the roster, and he has a pretty distinct vibe from everyone who’s been introduced so far… well, I suppose he kinda reminds me of Lance, except he carries an air about him that feels a lot more “dangerous”. It’ll be interesting to see where that goes, since IIRC, Hein appears in chapters much later on from this point.

That said, there were a few sticking points that I had with this chapter. I get that you’re aiming for small and compact chapters, but there were a number of spots that struck me as parts that would’ve benefited from being more generous with description in the narration, especially earlier on in the chapter. Also, as a general rule of thumb, but unless if there are specific plot reasons not to bring them up right away, details usually work better being frontloaded. There are times when “mention the details as the characters become relevant” works well like in big group scenes, but I got a much more tight-knit and intimate vibe from the “playing with the kids” part of this chapter, I’m not as convinced that it works well with that style of “bring up details as they become relevant”. I also noticed that you had a number of moments referencing ‘this’ or ‘that’ that are a bit ambiguous in wording where just plainly saying what’s going on would clear things up a lot without many added words, and make certain paragraphs a bit easier to follow.

Though thus far, things have been going pretty well, @Gyeig . For whatever reason, I noticed more nitpicks with this chapter, but it did its job of teeing up things for an exploration arc outside of Greenfield fairly nicely. I’ll be keeping an eye on where things go from here, since I’ve got a feeling that we’re reaching the part where the rubber really starts hitting the road plot-wise.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, I saw that your story was up for the Drive-Through Tag on PMDiner and that the next chapter was a bit lighter on wordcount, so I decided that it was as good an occasion as any to jump in and try and make good on coming back to this story like I mentioned I wanted to last time:

Chapter 11

It wouldn’t be until the day after that The message didn’t crossed their minds again until the day after their stop at the Café. Blitzer had felt so humiliated from the whole episode that the idea of following up on anything related to Hein made him sick to his stomach, and George wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of doing anything the Charmander was uncomfortable with either, even something as simple as reading a letter.

One day of whimsical activities later, the two snuck out to the other side of the village, Nero and Nera were unaware of the message’s existence as they snuck out to the other side of the village. Both agreed it was better that way. But even after agreeing that the time was finally right, they procrastinated for a while, staring at the yellowed paper in George’s hands instead of reading it.

Some suggested rephrasings here for these two paragraphs. The fundamental idea behind them isn’t bad, but something about the wording of these two paragraphs in particular felt a bit wonky to me in terms of how it ordered the information it presented.

It might have also made sense to remind that they’re sneaking out to go out on that adventure since initially, I thought that Blitzer was so offended by the whole episode with Hein that he opted to just forget about the letter entirely.

“Honestly Blitzer, I don’t know about this. What if it’s all a trap? Some elaborate joke a Soldier came up with, just so they can toy with me before yanking me off to god knows where?”

Blitzer hummed a dull note. “No, I don’t believe that, no that it’s a trap. But I don’t know what to expect, either. I don’t like ghosts. Especially that Dusknoir. Not after what he said to me.

[ ]

I’m not some unruly monster that’s going to burn everything in sight. I’m not some slob that only cares about myself, am I, George?” Shimmers appeared in both of Blitzer’s eyes.

It might make sense to split Blitzer’s dialogue up into two paragraphs and add some sort of emotional transition between them, since the “moods” that Blitzer gives off in those two parts feel pretty distinct in emotional vibe, so it feels a bit strange to see them conjoined together in one single line of dialogue.

George felt the anxiety come off the Charmander, and put a hand on his back. “Of course not. You’re just energetic, that’s all,” he said.

His heightened senses had sounded the alarms. The smell and feel of the air had shifted, so discomforting that George felt the need to act. He didn’t need to guess what, either. As a Pokemon, smells and air felt like an extension of himself and other Pokemon, a mirror into their souls.

… Wait, are these senses the things that George is picking up from Blitzer? Since I was going to say that the “George felt the anxiety come off the Charmander” bit felt a bit too told and not shown, but that’s literally resolvable by just pulling the later bit of description forward. If you want to stick to your guns for ordering, I’d suggest splitting off what comes after George’s dialogue into its own paragraph and maybe adding a small extension to the beginning to the effect of “It’d been a little weird the first few times had happened, but [...]” or something like that.

[ ]

“Then why did he say that?! And why did Lance say it too?!”

George patted Blitzer on the back with enough force to make an audible thud.

Don’t take them seriously, Blitzer. They’re both old farts that hate anyone younger than them,” George insisted. “You’re just making them jealous with all that energy you have.[/b]”[/b]

[ ]

It’s no different than the headmistress I dealt with, or certain teachers. Sure, it’s annoying, but they’re only angry that they’ve lost their youth. That’s all.”

I personally feel that it might make sense to slow down a bit and show off George’s mind turning back to his headmistress a bit more since that was always treated as a bit of a sore subject for him. But I’m not convinced at all that the stereotype of Charmander line ‘mons being reckless wannabe heroes doesn’t have something deeper attached to it. Since I very distinctly remember that last chapter, it was mentioned that there used to be an adventuring guild 60 years ago.

Blitzer shook his head, scattering a few droplets to the wind. “No, George. Us Pokemon, we… we all have our assumptions about stereotypes about one another, just because of our species,” Blitzer sniffled. “And they’re telling me I’m the worst example of mine. That I don’t listen to others. That I’m aggressive and easy to upset. That I often hurt others. That I am prideful and arrogant.”

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Though there’s a story behind this stereotype in-setting, I can already tell.

[ ]

“But that’s not true, Blitzer,” George said.

“How would you know?”

George clenched his fists. [ ]

Because I’ve been with you for as long as I’ve been a Pokemon! And believe me, I’ve seen plenty of arrogant idiots around, believe me,” George insisted. ”If any of that were true, I would have seen it!

[ ]

You’re a good person at heart, and I know it. Always excited, always optimistic, always meaning well even if he doesn’t come over in the best way. That’s the Blitzer I know.”

This feels like one of those moments that would benefit a bit from slowing down a bit more and showing off more of George and Blitzer’s reactions. Especially given that Blitzer was mentioned tearing up right before this part and it might make sense to show George react to it more since I’m not sure if he’s ever seen Blitzer start to cry up to this point in the story.

Blitzer turned to face George, his eyes partially closed. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do.” George held a fist up. “Let those rusty old grandpas yammer. It’s not worth it to try and please them.” ‘You’ll spend all your life trying to, nothing will change.’

… Implying that George tried something similar back in his own world, presumably involving the headmistress.
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Blitzer swallowed, his tail carefully curling up around his side. “Okay.”

George cleared his throat, then held the letter back up. “Alright then. Should we open up the letter? Do you think it might be a trap?”

[ ]


Blitzer nodded. “It might be a prank by that Dusknoir to laugh at us.”

Blitzer: “Seriously, George. Why on earth do you even have that with you right now? After everything Hein put us through yesterday, I’m surprised you didn’t just throw it into a corner in our room to forget about it.” >_>;

George stared at him. “Blitzer, I meant the Soldiers. Do you think they sent this?”

[ ]


“No one in town would join in on it,” said Blitzer while shaking his head. “And I do mean no one, George. Soldiers are nothing to joke around with. The less we have to deal with them, the better.”

This section feels like it’d benefit more from showing off more of the characters’ reaction or thought process behind “what if this is a Soldier plot” since just saying, last chapter, there were a lot of reminders of how the Tangrowth who gave them that letter wasn’t recognized by anyone.

George folded his arms. “But does that Dusknoir live here?”

“Yes,” Blitzer said with a tired nod. “Of course he does. I’ve seen him a bunch whenever I tried sneaking in there. That café is his house, believe it or not.”

[ ]

“Doesn’t he look kind of creepy to you? Why would anyone just accept the Reaper living among them?” George asked.

Is it normal in George’s world for people to also live in their shops? If not, it might make sense for him to have a little reaction here as a little funny moment.

Blitzer waved his hands around in front of George’s face. “That’s what I was thinking for the longest time too, but my parents told me he’s lived here for as long as I have without any issues. Well yeah, he likes to hide in walls, but that’s ghosts for you, they do that. Nothing else is strange, they say,” he said, nudging George. “Also, what’s the Reaper?”

“...You mean you don’t know?”

George said, blinked in surprise, before remembering that this was a different world, and that Pokemon wouldn’t know about human fairy tales. It also dawned on him that making comparisons between a prominent local and with death itself weren’t going to win favours with anyone, and that he had gotten himself into quite the pickle having to explain things.

I’m admittedly a little surprised that George is worried about how Blitzer would react to him comparing Hein to a personification of death given that Blitzer has presumably been seeing Hein in a very negative light for the past day and hasn’t exactly been shy about it to George. Maybe it’d be a bigger concern if there were other townsfolk nearby, but I got the impression that these two were pretty alone since no bystanders were described all this time.

“Yeah, I don’t. Is it a human thing?”

“Um, yeah, it is,” George said, scratching his head then biting his tongue with a closed mouth. ‘Ugh, how stupid can you be, George?’

“Well, what’s it about?” the Charmander asked with a curious flick of his tail.

“Oh, not much, it’s uh, it’s a story my parents told me, yes. The Reaper is a character in that story, and uh, if I remember correctly, it’s uh…”

George drew a blank. It was quiet in the streets. The whole town must’ve been listening in. [ ]

... he would reward kids who did well and punish kids that were bad, and take their candy away. That’s why they call him the Reaper. And he was a ghost, too, and he looked like Hein.” George exhaled. ‘...Very stupid, apparently! Who is going to buy that?’

Yeah, Blitzer’s going to buy this hook, line, and sinker. I can already tell. Though I guess these two weren’t anywhere near as alone as I thought they were earlier. I kinda wonder if it should’ve been reflected in the described narration up to this point a bit more, since I legitimately didn’t get the feeling that there was anyone close to George and Blitzer in the part of town they were in.

Blitzer leaned over. “Interesting! You should tell me more of these stories some time!”

George let his hands sink like dead weights. ‘...Oh. [ ]’ “Yes, some other time. But do you think it’s a good idea to read the message now? If Hein’s not suspicious or anything, then I don’t mind.” ‘Something tells me I’ll get into trouble anyway.’

Yeah, I had a feeling there. Even if I wonder if there was a bit more room for funny commentary from George about Blitzer actually buying his story there. :P

Blitzer sighed. Right after, he began dragging his feet along the ground. From his body language, it was trivial to discern that he was far more interested in hearing George ramble about fairy tales than the message. All the excitement from earlier had sunk into the ground. Hein had gotten him good, something George had no solution for. Not an easy one, anyway, beyond a tap of the shoulder.

“It’s okay. We both know you’re better than that.”

Waaait, I’m not sure if I follow how this follows with George’s last line asking if it was a good idea to go ahead and read the letter or not. I think that you made a tweak at some point in editing, but whatever this was meant to follow up on got lost along the way.

“Yeah. I sure don’t want to lower myself to running errands for that ghost.”

“But who says that ghost is the one who wrote this?”

Blitzer was silent. George lowered himself down upon the grass next to the street; it was more comfortable that way.

For all we know, this is someone else’s wrote this. That Tangrowth, maybe?”

[ ]

“That would be silly.”

“It is possible, though.”

Another spot where it might make sense to break up and expand a paragraph into a few smaller ones. Though careful, Blitzer. You know what they say about people who assume…

“I guess…” Blitzer shook his head. “Alright, let’s get this over with, then. No one says I we have to do what is written in there, anyway.”

As Blitzer dropped himself onto the grass next to him, George unfolded the message. It had been written in that same strange language that had been written on the signs leading to the Mystery Dungeons, which George somehow was capable of reading.

Huh. You know, I never really questioned how George was able to read the script in this story, though “translator microbes” also affecting his ability to read and write and not just what he speaks and hears is a fair enough workaround that isn’t exactly rare in this fandom.

“To the receiver of this message,”
“It is crucial that you do not share the contents of this message. This is information which could put you at risk of potentially severe consequences, should the wrong people learn of its existenceSoldiers, or otherwise. [a]the consequences can be severe.[/a] Do not share a word contained within this page with any stranger, unless a future instruction written on one of these pages says otherwise.”

Oh, well that’s not ominous at all there. Though given that this entire block is in bolded text, I suggested additions with underlined text here. I would also suggest on your forum / AO3 versions to use indentation as a way to set the text of your letter off from your surrounding prose since it helps it stand out more and meta-wise makes it more obvious that we’re exiting the normal flow of events.

“Dear reader. I want to start off by writing that you are not required to follow up on any of this. If you wish, you may shred this message and forget it ever existed. I do not know what your heart truly longs for, but I believe I might have something that interests you and your companion. You long to explore and see the world, to grow stronger and protect all that you love. You may seek answers to a great amount number of questions you may have on about your true lot in life. This message may provide you with fulfilment for a way to fulfill all of those desires.”
“Nearby your village, directly north of its link with the greater world lies an entrance to a realm hidden from the eye of the Leo. It is deep within that place where you will find a treasure. Finders are keepers: If you lay your hands on that treasure, it will be yours. Of course, the road to get there will not be easy. This hidden world is affected by the same energy that has taken the forests nearby in its grasp. Ferocious Pokemon will be awaiting you.”

‘The eye of the Leo’, huh? I wonder if that’s the name of a royal house or something of that Queen that everyone was speaking of in dreading tones in earlier chapters, since that’s definitely new to me.

“Should you wish to venture out there, I wish you the best of luck. Your exploration will be worth it. Should you choose to not follow up on this instruction, may your lives be long and filled with light. No matter which path you choose, remember to never share a word of what you have learned with another. Their forces are watching.”
“Until our paths cross,”
“A friend.”

Blitzer: “... Oh yeah, this was totally worth reading. Not. Come on, Blitzer. It’s probably just Hein jerking us around-”
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George: “No, Hein definitely seemed a lot more forward than that, just saying.”

With all the enthusiasm of an owl come at morning’s daylight, George folded the message back together. Once again, he was left in the deep end. Mystery Dungeons, waterbreathing, Soldiers, and now strangers sending instructions on how to find treasure. Blitzer didn’t seem too impressed either. He was scratching the gravel with the claws on his feet, his eyes drawn away from the yellowed paper and its instructions.

“I take it you aren’t very excited about it,” the Charmander said.

It took me a while, but I just realized that the letter was described as being on yellowed paper. Meaning that Hein has likely been holding onto it for a while. I wonder if humans coming to this world are both a periodic occurrence and a big deal, since if the Queen who the Soldiers answer to are reflexively gunning for George… who’s to say that there wouldn’t be other factions looking to try and find a human to use for their own purposes?

George shrugged. “Well, it sounds alright? Incredibly strange we’d just be told there’s treasure out there… at the same time though, it says to not tell anyone, literally so there’s no chance Soldiers find out. That doesn’t scream ‘trap’ to me.”

Even though I don’t know who this is from. Egh… it’s hard.’

George: “And from the way that this paper looks, was it even written in the same decade we're in right now?”
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[ ]

“It’s still from a stranger, though,” Blitzer said. “Okay, all the adults around here know Hein, and they say he’s not a bad guy, but…” He shook his head. “How come you’re so sure we can trust this from him?”

“That’s because I’ve been the victim of traps plenty of times. I know how to recognise one,” George said. ”The headmistress back at the foster’s home would always play tricks on us. Throwing everyone’s stuff around so that we would all blame one another for the mess, which would give her an excuse to force all of us to clean,” he explained, recounting events from less than a month ago.

[ ] Time sure had slowed to a crawl.

A couple spots where things struck me as having room to expand and get into George’s head a bit more. Especially if you’re belatedly having George realize “wait, has it really only been a month all this time?”

I actually didn’t realize that it had been that much time myself. Like this whole time, I’d thought that George had been here for a week or two at most.

[ ]

“Wow. For someone your age, you sure have gone through a lot,” Blitzer said, the warmth of his tail creeping up on George, who sighed in response.

“I know. None of it was anything worth remembering. That The foster’s home I came from is a horrible, horrible place. And I don’t know why, but even though I’m not there anymore, it still feels like there is a piece of me that is.

Yeah, I can already tell that that’s going to be a bit less metaphorical than initially assumed.

“What makes you say that?”

[ ]


“I wish I had the answer to that question myself.”

The two fell silent. A pedestrian walked past, not paying the two children any attention before vanishing behind a house down the road. They moved on, like the water in the stream.

“So, about the message… what should we do?” George asked.

George: “... Also, I just realized that we read a letter specifically instructing us not to share its contents with anyone else in a public space...”
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Blitzer: “Look, how on earth were we supposed to know that in advance? And it’s not like Hein exactly helped by letting us know that we were supposed to keep this to ourselves.” >_>;

“I want to talk with my parents about it,” Blitzer responded, his head resting against his claws.

George’s ears went flat against his head. “Hello? Whoever sent us this doesn’t want us telling anyone. I don’t think your parents are an exception to that.”

[ ]


Yeah, that is true Maybe, but you can never be too sure.” Blitzer pondered out loud. “My parents might know more about these things.”

Ah yes, the good ol’ Catch-22 where hiding the letter and going off on the adventures is bound to cause problems by leaving Nero and Nera out of the loop of whatever dangerous shenanigans they get up to, or inform them and get them dragged into it and risk word getting around inadvertently. It’ll be interesting to see what side of the coin these two come down on.

George stared at the Charmander in disbelief. ‘Is this even the same Blitzer I’m talking to?’

I thought you were looking forward to exploring new places if it meant getting stronger. You don’t even care about treasure all that much. You’re always like, ‘Oh, treasure’s secondary, it’s not that important’, and now we find out about a new dungeon we can go and explore, and you turn it down.”

I take it that Blitzer is significantly less gung ho about going off and exploring when he thinks that things are about to get real. Since I’m kinda getting that vibe from him right about now.

Blitzer didn’t respond for a while. Aside from a few clicks of his tongue, nothing came out of him. A surge in the stream and a sweetening breeze passed, and he began playfully kicking his feet around.

“You know what? Maybe I am talking nonsense. I’m starting to sound like my dad!” He smiled.

[ ]

You’re right, George. It’s not the treasure we’re after, it’s the journey that counts!” Blitzer insisted. “I don’t care if it’s a rotten apple we find, that’s not what the fun in exploring is, I’m not like that. Not one bit! I’m not going to be a greedy Charizard when I grow up. No! Hein be damned!”

This… doesn’t exactly sound like a healthy thought process to be having there, but you do you, Blitzer.
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I do think that this bit of dialogue is another one where it feels like two separate lines are being rendered in one together. It might make sense to separate them out and add more of a transition from the first to the second part.

George stared at Blitzer with a dumbfounded face. ‘Sure didn’t take long to change his mind!’ “Well, I’m glad to hear it. I’ve been looking forward to exploring again, actually.”

Blitzer smirked at George with folded arms. “Let me guess, you’ve been dreaming about being a Samurott again, haven’t you?”

The teeth stuck out of George’s mouth as his lips curled up into a smile. “Of course I have,” he said.

His mind turned back to
fantasising about the armoured blue sea lion warrior he was destined to become. The thoughts were so soothing to get lost in, almost like a taste of the finest wines. So noble and heroic, so strong and fearsome, and so pleasing to imagine himself being.

Offer not valid for H-Samurott, who are basically Lyn turned into a standalone regional morph an embodiment of negative samurai stereotypes in Japanese culture. I do wonder if the whole “fantasizing about Samurott” thing would’ve worked better if we had a chance to see a bit of George actually doing a bit of this (or at least mentioned in passing as having done it) earlier on in this chapter, since while I buy that George would be excitedly looking forward to being able to become a heroic swordsman, it’s not really played up at all in this chapter prior to this point.

Alas, the day that dream would become reality was nowhere in sight, and most likely romanticised.

I hope you’re not going to become an arrogant one,” Blitzer said with a wink.

Oh, so Samurott are commonly stereotyped as arrogant in this setting. I mean, I can kinda see it given that the official ‘dex fluff does play them up as being domineering presences.

George spat out his breath. “Of course not. That’s not me, is it? I can barely breathe water, let alone use this silly scalchop as a weapon. I’m supposed to wield a seamitar one day?”

“Apparently!” Blitzer bumped George on his upper arm with his elbow.

[ ]


“Yeah, that’s a new one for me too,” George said, scalchop in hand. “What’s with calling me arrogant, by the way?”

Blitzer stuck out his tongue. “Hey, you heard all about Charizard stereotypes, I thought I’d share a Samurott stereotype with you!”

Yeah, I figured. Though trust me, Blitzer, there’s a lot worse stereotypes to be had out there for Samurott considering some of the archetypes associated with samurai out there. After all, it wasn’t ninjas who invented the practice of Night Slash tsujigiri.

George awkwardly chuckled back. “Well, that’s cool to know, I guess.” ‘Why would anyone think I’d get arrogant when I get older?’

“Don’t worry, it’s all nonsense some people invented as a joke one day, and then those jokes got completely out of hand,” Blitzer insisted. “Would you know how many people in the villagers make jokes about my parents being awake all night? You wouldn’t know!”

Blitzer kept on laughing. In spite of all the negativity coming his way, he kept up his cheery laugh and smile, no matter how bad he got. Defiant to it all, he’d keep laughing until his lungs would fly out of his mouth, so George believed. And even then, if there was a way to laugh without lungs, Blitzer would probably find it.

Huh. I wonder how much of that is genuine and how much of that is an act from Blitzer, since that’s certainly different than Blitzer’s reaction to Hein and how he slung unflattering species stereotypes his way.

George peeked in the direction of the sun; there were at least a few hours of daylight left. [ ]

So, what do we do now?” he asked with a thump of his tail, much to his own amusement. ‘What, am I starting to do this too?’ A shrug came back from Blitzer, cheeks all puffy.

“I don’t know. Should we go to the others?”

I think that we’re missing a step in the “few hours of daylight left”. It might make sense to show Blitzer have some doubts about whether or not they can make it to the Mystery Dungeon pointed out in the letter or something like that.

“Sure thing. Let’s first put the note back, though. Holding onto it the whole time gets real irritating, let me tell you. Plus, we don’t want anyone to try and have a peek at it,” Blitzer said. “Besides Plus, I’m thirsty! What do you say to going home first?”

[ ]


“Definitely. I could use a drink, too.”

Not really feeling the repetition of “Plus” in back to back sentences there. And it might make sense to lean a bit harder on George / Blitzer’s thought process as part of the ending note. Like are they looking forward to checking out the treasure the letter talks about? Do they still think it’s all bunk? Are they in a “thanks for lifting my mood” mood? Lots of potential angles to take here.

Alright, onto the part where I give the summary of my thoughts in case the full blow-by-blow is a bit too TL/DR for those following along.

I’ll admit, I was actually expecting things to escalate a lot more coming off the past chapter since I was getting ominous signals from that Tangrowth, though given that the first arc of this story apparently ends in 4 chapters… odds are I won’t have to wait for much longer to see some payoff to the setup towards this story moving on out of Greenfield that’s been happening thus far. The main strength of this chapter beyond those glimpses of bigger things coming down the pipe IMO is simply the glimpses into the different characters, since it feels like we got to learn some new things about George and Blitzer.

The stereotypes bit was also interesting to see, even if a part of me wonders if there’s more to the story of those Charizard stereotypes that will come up in the plot later. After all, while stereotypes don’t reflect reality, they’re often inspired by it, especially when filtered through the experiences and biases of their creators. After all, if there were a string of particularly prominent attempted Charizard heroes in the wake of that one guild going down about 60 years ago with a track record of making things worse for others while flaming out… well, that would be a potential origin story for that very particular stereotype that Blitzer’s species has in this world. But I suppose we’ll get there when the story gets there.

All-in-all, I thought that the core of your chapter was pretty solid, though there were a number of things regarding execution that I had quibbles about. Beyond some phrasing choices and paragraph formatting, most of my complaints aren’t leveled at what happened in the chapter. I only have a couple of points of criticism there such as the decision to read the super-sensitive letter in a public place, which granted, George and Blitzer didn’t know was going to happen in advance, and something about Blitzer laughing off stereotypes vibing as a bit at-odds with how hurt and bothered he was by Hein dipping into them a full day later (which could’ve been deliberate, which was my assumption at first).

The bulk of the criticisms that I do have are directed more from a lack of description, and at roughly 2900 words long, you had a bit of room to expand things while still keeping the chapter as a whole bite-sized as is your meta goal for this story. There were a couple parts that felt like they were missing context (e.x. the presence of passersby in the part of town George and Blitzer went to, George dreaming of being a Samurott one day) thanks to a lack of description building them up, but the bigger issue I saw was that in a chapter that leans heavily on character exploration, that there seemed to be a lot of missed opportunities to get into the heads of the characters, especially as an avenue to reveal things about their outlook and mindset to characters. That said, I understand that you already rewrote this chapter at least once, and with a story that’s over 100 chapters long and counting… yeah, “taking criticism and applying it to the latest and greatest” is a perfectly valid and understandable response to known issues that would be heavier lifts to address.

But altogether, I had fun with this chapter @Gyeig , and I’ll be looking forward to seeing where things go in the next few chapters since you do have the end of an arc/Part coming up pretty fast according to your opening post while there’s been quite a few things that have been built up that seem like they could potentially escalate really quickly. Hope the feedback was helpful, and I’ll be looking forward to reviewing more of your story in the future to pay back some of your past generosity with my own stories.
 

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott
Heya, I saw that your story was up for the Drive-Through Tag on PMDiner and that the next chapter was a bit lighter on wordcount, so I decided that it was as good an occasion as any to jump in and try and make good on coming back to this story like I mentioned I wanted to last time:
I'm so lazy that I never actually replied to the earlier review. Gonna knock out two birds with one stone.

Am glad you're enjoying these, since your reviews tend to be pretty heavy on the criticism. Think that's got a lot to do with the whole reaction review approach to reviewing, where things like sentence structure are going to stand out a lot more than they would otherwise. And yeah, I'm farrrr from in the mood to do yet another pass on these first few chapters, especially since I think they're fine as is now.

Hein's one of those characters where I knew there was more to him from the concept alone. If you get that far, you'll be pretty surprised at what'll happen with him. That dangerous and unpredictable nature makes most of the cast on edge around him - even Blitzer sounds a lot more bothered when he gets stereotyped by Hein. Hurts a lot more coming from him.

And I can understand the feedback on the lack of detail, but that's largely something I did on purpose - as you've noticed, keeping chapters short is one of my main goals, and limiting time spent on the small details is a large part of that. The more time you spend on things, the bigger impact they leave on the reader... but when they're just small background details, that bigger impact may just end up being counterproductive.
 
Chapter 33

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Chapter 33 - The Bitter Revelation​


Skal was setting up the campsite by the time the others reached the top. There was a noticeable lack of vegetation here, and not iin a natural way, either. The little bits of green that did have the audacity to have popped out of the ground here had been artificially cut short to the length of a finger tip. The site looked as if it had been prepared ahead of time.

Skal and Terez were as quiet as they were on the way here while they got to work finishing up the campsite. The only address George and Blitzer got were orders to help out, tired or not. The night was cold, and all George could think of was the bed of straws back home. As discomforting as it were, at least let him dodge the dark, unlike the touch of the cold grass. It was like the sleepless nights back in the foster’s house. Not pleasant in the slightest.

“‘Ey, you, Charmeleon, go spark the fire!” growled Skal as he dropped a batch of dried grass onto the ground. There were four batches like it. Beds for the night, by the looks of it.. One was bigger than the other three combined. “Oi! You heard me, go spark the fire!”

“h-Hey! I’m trying, okay!” Blitzer cried back with a slight growl in his voice, as he was rubbing two sticks together. Two measly sticks. George couldn’t help chuckle a little as he stared at them, then the fire on Blitzer’s tail, then the sticks again. The absurdity wasn’t lost on Skal, either. But he didn’t find it so funny.

“Oi, you think you’re a jokester, right? Go set the fire for real, or I’ll grab ye by the arse and do it for ya!”

“What? I can’t just breathe fire! What if I start a forest fire?” Blitzer said back, this time with a high pitched chirp instead.

“Forest fire?! You’re old enough to aim!” Skal thumped his thick iron tail on the ground. George gritted his teeth as he watched chunks of grass fly into the dark.

‘Why on earth did we follow these people again? He’s bound to kill us eventually…’

“Skal, please, calm yourself!”

The commotion hadn’t escaped Terez’ notice. She had been absent in the dark for a little while, an occasional blue light in the dark being the lone sign of her presence. She emerged into the orange light at last, frowning at her partner in crime.

“This is ridiculous, why are you being so hostile to him?”

“‘Cause he ain’t doin’ what I’m tellin’ him to, that’s what. Still don’t know why ye wanted to bring this kid along so badly, he’s doin’ us no favours,” Skal replied with crossed arms.

Blitzer folded his arms and pretended to ignore Skal, his tail flaring in annoyance. He hadn’t asked for any of this, yet here he was taking heat. George shot an annoyed frown at the Aggron. That was all the protesting they could do, given the little control they had. Control wasn’t even a word in their book anymore.

Terez shook her head. ”This is not about a few menial errands,” she said in an oddly sombre tone. “Cut him some slack. You yourself know what it feels like to suddenly have the things you love taken away from you.”

“But I got over it,” Skal said back, holding his arms before his chest as if in the midst of a melee.

“That’s not the point! And you can’t get over losing your parents that easily. If it was that easy, the Alliance wouldn’t even exist, would it?” Terez said, wholly exasperated.

The wind rustled through the nearby trees, invisible to the common eye. The evening wasn’t getting any brighter. Not with Blitzer’s tail dimming.

“...What do you mean, losing parents?” the Charmeleon asked. “They’re tougher than that. They can’t just be gone.”

Skal and Terez looked each other in the eye; Skal shook his head, Terez motioned for him to stop, then Skal muttered something unintelligible at her..

George looked towards Blitzer, whose head hung low. His tail had dropped straight onto the ground, without so much as the slightest bend visible; there was little energy in the spark at the tip, either. He looked as if he was about to cry. George shufffled his way over to him, raising his hand up to his back..

“Hey… I’m here for you.”

“...Thanks,” Blitzer whispered. “Do, do you think they’re telling the truth? Are my parents really no longer…” he couldn’t finish the sentence before locking up. A hollow wind passed over the hilltop, howling out in anguish.

“Of course not,” George answered while swallowing a glob of his saliva. “They’re tougher than that, you said so yourself.” He bit his lip. That couldn’t have been anymore dishonest, yet he went through with it anyway. In truth, no one on the hilltop could answer that question with any sincerity.

Blitzer raised his arm and laid it on George’s back. He looked as if he wanted to lean on George, but quickly realised he couldn’t. Evolution had made him twice as tall as George. He breathed out a puff of smoke, his mouth curling up into a sly smile.

“Yeah, I hope so too.”

George crossed his arms over his scalchop, and breathed in deep. ‘If only I had actual good news to tell him. Anything to cheer him up. How in the world can I stay optimistic when he’s not?’

By this time, Skal and Terez had finished bickering. The Aggron was first to swing his large body around, once again letting his thick armoured tail swing around with enough force to make the air cry out in pain.

“Boys, about time we ate. I’m starvin’.” Skal reached for a thick, worn-looking bag laying by his foot. Dirt was smeared all over the bottom. It looked as if the bag had been left out in the rain for a while.

Terez sat down on her bed without any reservations. With a dress that pristine, one would believe she’d be more careful to not get mud and dirt smeared all over it, but that wasn’t the case. George followed her lead, and settled on his own bed. Terez was ahead of him, Blitzer was to his left, and between himself and Skal was the campfire.

“Blitzer, could you start the fire, please? Not with the sticks, by the way, you’d be up all night in that case.”

Blitzer shook his head. “I can’t. There’s too much chance I’ll set the forest on fire, and I don’t want to live with that.”

“What do you mean?” Terez asked.

The Charmeleon sighed. “My parents raised me to be careful with my flames. Being the only fire breather in the village meant I’d get the blame if any fire happened, so I only use my flames if I really have to. Like when I’m defending myself,” Blitzer said.

‘He’s never told me that before.’ George uneasily eyed his friend’s tail, whose tip laid just a few hops away. “Can’t you use your tail to start it?”

“Too risky.” Blitzer scratched into the dirt with one of the sticks.

“Food ain’t gonna cook itself, kid,” Skal scoffed deadpan..

“I’m not a kid!”

Terez raised her hand. “Calm yourselves,” she said, her eyes taking on a slight blue glow. George felt a calming wave flow over his body; his muscles relaxed slightly, negativity faded.. In that moment, there was some kind of connection binding him and Terez together. He reached out to her, then the connection vanished as fast as it came. George retracted his hand,

‘What was that? Did she just…?’

“Blitzer,” Terez continued, “I understand your concerns. In fact, I share them. The people of this area have suffered enough as is. But I can assure you that we are here to back you up if things go awry. I know how to silence a fire, and look at who’s sitting right next to you. The Othersider- or your friend, rather, is of water. Surely he would be capable of putting out a fire.”

George tucked his tongue into one of his cheeks. A soft growl came out of his stomach. ‘I guess.’

“Okay,” Blitzer sighed out. He gently took his tail in one of his claws, and laid it on top of the fireplace. It didn’t take long for the flames to spread into the wood; he pulled it right back out with a wild tug.

“Hngh…”

An orange glow spread over the hilltop. The faces of Skal and Terez became visible once again, revealing a relaxed stare on one and a toothy grin on the other.

“Sweet. ‘Bout time we ate somethin’.”

Skal got to work, first placing some kind of raster over the campfire, then reaching into the bag and pulling out a slab of meat. The smoke from the fire billowed out over the raster as it rose into the heavens. The glow accompanied it out to the treetops. Neither would be difficult to spot. George bit his lip.

“Hey, aren’t you worried they’ll find us out here?”

Terez raised her hand. “Not in the slightest. The illusions I have conjured are far more potent than you might believe. They can mask our presence here easily, the fire very much included. For tonight, we will be safe.” She clasped her hands together, and lowered her head slightly. “Of course, we must be on the move come the break of dawn. The Crest is bound to scourge the land in search of us. Not to mention, the Prince wants to see you as soon as possible. He seemed very urgent about it.”

“The Prince?” George folded his arms over his scalchop. ‘Are they related to the Queen by any chance?’

Skal chuckled with a voice that sounded like he had been gargling gravel. “Heheheh, ye’ll find out soon ‘nuff, kid. Gotta get some food in that stomach now, ‘s been a long day.”

George looked towards at his chest with a frown. For simple words, they had power one wouldn’t expect. Granted, separating Skal’s words from an imagined punch to the chest was a bridge too far, yet the cramp in his stomach was there regardless. A day’s worth of walking and running, a lack of food since the morning, and a racing mind struggling to process the day’s events had drained him of energy. All he wanted now was to eat and sleep, preferably in a warm space. Like he’d been doing for his whole life.

“I’ll just whip up some dinner, then we can get settled, eh kids?”

George and Blitzer kept to themselves for the next few minutes as Skal and Terez cooked. Skal brought up peculiar, far too detailed stories of himself, complete with exaggerated swings of his arms and tail, while Terez held her head out of embarrassment. The stories themselves seemed half nonsense, and half things you could only wish were nonsense. In that sense, the hunger and exhaustion weren’t so bad. How the Aggron had the energy to tell all of this now was a mystery.


After a few too many stories, the food was done. A cut of feral mystery meat with some kind of Leppa paste slathered over it. Terez said Leppa made it easier to stomach; Skal laughed right after. All four bit into their share, and George swallowed without paying much attention to the odd texture. Had this been served at any other meal in his life, he wouldn’t have hesitated to spit it right back out. Alas, there wasn’t much choice. Having food at all out here was a gift.

While the others ate, Skal leaned back with his chunk of meat, drops of grease dripping from his claws. George kept an eye on him. Why he’d hesitate after being so jubilant about getting to eat felt off. Something about Skal in general seemed off, but what?

It wasn’t until the others were almost done that Skal threw his metal jaws open, shoved the meat into his gullet whole, and made the loudest swallowing sound George had ever heard, followed by a giant belch.

“Aah, that hit the spot.”

Terez rolled her eyes. “Skal...”

“What?”

“How many times have I told you to grow some proper table manners? You’re not a feral, for crying out loud.”

Skal shrugged. “‘Ey. Good food’s good food, I ain’t gonna nibble on it. ‘S not how an Aggron like me eats. Gotta mouth this big, what else am I supposed to use it for?”

Terez groaned. “Forget I said anything.”.

While staring at Skal with a dull gaze, Blitzer pushed the remainder of his food into his mouth. George’s pace only slowed. He may not have been so hungry after all.

* * *

Once dinner had wrapped up, George crashed down on the bed with a thud. The day had gone on for far too long, and by the looks of it, tomorrow wouldn’t yield a brighter horizon. Or the day after. The sun may as well have vanished.

“Haaargh…”

“Is something the matter, Othersider?” Terez said, sitting neatly on her makeshift bed. When George didn’t respond, she repeated the question, this time with a mild psychic impulse. George feigned surprise as he got back up, then rubbed his eyes.

“I’m exhausted, let me sleep.”

Terez nodded. “You’d do best to get as much rest as you can. It will be some time before we have reached the safe haven.”

“How long?” George asked, clutching onto the straws. The wind blew through the trees from behind, bringing a cool breeze that wouldn’t help him sleep with it..

“More than a week, at the minimum.”

George’s ears went flat. “A week?”

“Say that again?!” Blitzer shouted in a panicky tone, his flame flickering as it lashed against the ground repeatedly. “You can’t be serious…”

“‘Tis what it is, kids. Unless you want Soldiers to come and get ya, no dice,” Skal rumbled. “Gotta be careful if we want to win, ya know. She’ll throw the whole army at ya once she finds out yer with us.” He leaned forward and stoked the fire with a few leftover branches.

George rolled over belly upwards. A strong wind flew over his body, tickling his dry and tired feet in the process. “I’m exhausted enough after today…”

Skal and Terez looked each other in the eye for a moment, then nodded at each other before turning back to gaze at George. “That is why we’re here, Othersider. The journey to the haven is far too perilous for you and your friend to make all on your own. If not the Soldiers, the elements and ferals would claim you.”

George pressed his hands against his face, then rubbed his skin as hard as he could. “This is all too much.”

“Sure is for ya!” Skal said, before beating his chest with a single claw. “But sure is necessary, though. Ye ain’t got much choice. Eravate ain’t gonna last if ye don’t.”

George raised an eye. “What are you talking about?”

The two black scarves straightened their backs. They gave off a strong, commandeering vibe. Like they were mentors, despite being complete strangers. George dragged himself off the bed, then got back onto his feet. Too many questions had gone unanswered for too long, yet receiving their answer became evermore intimidating by the minute. The black scarves were waiting for him, Terez most of all.

“You may not have noticed, George, but we have been keeping our eye on you for some time,” Terez explained. “This is not the time for details, but the gist of it is as follows. You are a human at heart. I can sense it. Only the Creators have the power to bring a human to this world, and it is only for a single purpose.”

George licked his upper lip. “What is it?”

She raised her head. “You are an Othersider, George. A higher being has judged you, and found you worthy. I do not know why, but your importance goes without saying. You have the strength of character required to do what is needed.”

George bit his lip, and looked into the darkness past the trees. There was a faint shimmer some ways into the land where the light had vanished; the edges of the illusion, most likely. He breathed in deep, then exhaled. It was such a long shot. The ‘chosen one’. That was something that only existed in fairy tales,wasn’t it? And of all the people, why him? He had no special strength. Yet here Terez was, telling him of a supposed destiny he was to follow.

Then again, neither he nor the creatures seated around him were supposed to be real, either. Nor their powers, for that matter. The world had slipped and hit the back of its head; why would this be out of the question?

‘’You… think I was brought here for a reason. And you want to make sure I fulfil my, uh, role,” George said, his tone dull.

“Yes, that is correct,” Terez said.

“Yep. That’s ye right there, kid. Got some big responsibility on yer shoulders. Good thing ye got us to help ya with that.” Skal winked. George rested his head against his arm.

‘Who on earth would pick me for that? ’

“So this is why you’ve demanded that we follow you, huh?” Blitzer’s tail tapped the floor uneasily. “Does that mean the Soldiers wanted George for the same reason?”

Terez nodded. “Indeed. They must have caught wind of him being the Othersider now as well. Naturally, they want to make sure he does not harm their rule. His presence is a direct threat… one they seek to silence by any means necessary.” She raised her head, and looked George straight in the eye. “You’d do best to stick with us.”

Skal brought his claws down onto the dirt and leaned forward over the fire. “Yah.’s lot to take in, but ‘tis the truth alright. Ya got whatever it takes to bring ‘em down. Reason enough to get rid of ya.”

George swallowed; his fur visibly shivering from an imagined electric aftershock. ‘That makes no sense… why can’t anyone see that?’

Blitzer put a claw on George’s back. “Does… that mean I have a purpose in this, too?” The wind swept over the hilltop right as he referred to himself. Skal affirmed him with a nod and a click of his tongue.

“Ya inserted yerself in this the moment ya bumped into the kid and took ‘im under yer wing. To the Crest, ye both are one and the same. ‘S the way it is. Hate to break this to ye, but if ye had any ideas about turnin’ back now, forget it. Ye’d be taken prisoner on the spot, and since yer not the Othersider like yer friend is, they probably ain’t showin’ you a speck of mercy. And I mean that in the worst way.”

Blitzer stared out ahead of him, grimacing. He did not speak a word, nor make a sound that couldn’t be confused for air escaping from his throat. His head eventually sank, and he closed his mouth. Faint shimmers appeared in his eyes, glistering in the campfire’s light. They welled up for a moment, before beginning to make their way down his face.

Neither Terez nor Skal said anything. Both were giving him some room, even Skal did. There was no laughing, no shaking of his horned head or visible contempt present. Even he seemed to understand that this was not the time to laugh it all off.

George crawled his way over to Blitzer, and grabbed onto his arm. The Charmeleon turned his gaze to him, letting the tears flow freely for a few more seconds, before spreading his arms wide and embracing him fully. George felt his feet leave the ground as Blitzer pulled him up this neck, pressing him up into his scarf in the process. He felt the warm breath flow down his back. It was then that Blitzer finally broke, and cried.

George didn’t last much longer. In the time it took for him to wrap his own arms around Blitzer’s chest, his own eyes began welling up as well.

Deep down, from the moment they followed the two black scarves, they knew there was no turning back. Greenfield and life as they knew it had changed forever. Yet nothing could prepare for a blow like this. A strike deep into the soul that left little untouched. The family, friends and neighbours they once had… they were history. Beyond their grasp.

For George, the pain he felt was one all too familiar. He thought of that fateful day on which his parents left him behind, how he cried as he watched their car speed off into the night. That day changed his life forever, and yet. Despite only having lived as a Pokemon for a fraction of his days, this felt worse. In these past few weeks, he truly felt at home. Like he belonged. That wasn’t just an object of derision to everyone else he knew. And now it was taken from him.

And what of Blitzer? This was all he ever knew. A life of peace and happiness, dreaming of adventure and heroism, of becoming stronger and helping his fellow Pokemon out. Now it was gone, and all he had left was a long, arduous road through a land he knew little of, accompanied only by threats and strangers. What even awaited him at the end? Was it truly ‘safe haven’, or a mere mockery of the concept? Their embrace only grew tighther with time. It was as if the whole world had turned against them, and they only had each other left.

“Do you feel a little better?”

George and Blitzer slowly let go of each other.

“Yeah… I’ll, I’ll be fine,” Blitzer said. “We’ll be fine.”

Skal’s tail thumped. “Listen kid, there ain’t goin’ to come anything good out of lying to yerself. Truth is, ye’ll always carry a piece of today with ya. No matter where ye are, what ye’ll do, who ye’ll be. Same thing happened with me. Same thing happened with all the Alliance.”

Blitzer released a shaky breath from his jaws. “It’s just… there’s been too much today. I couldn’t even walk right when I woke up, then I was chased out of my home, lost my parents, then evolved as well.” He wiped his eyes down with an arm, before holding his claws out before him to stare at them. “What is this, even? Why now of all times? All the pain I’ve had in the last few weeks is gone, too.”

“Your pre evolution cramps, correct?” Terez asked.

“Huh?”

“Pre evolution cramps are what happens when you are close to evolving,” Terez went on to explain, “Your body can tell when the time is near, and will start preparing itself for the changes that are to come. Where was the pain the strongest, Blitzer?”

Blitzer cautiously touched the horn-like protrusion on his head. “Well, um, here for starters. My legs as well, and my hands. Also a little in my tail, and I guess my back, too.”

“Precisely,” Terez said. “Those are the parts affected most by the change, hence why they might’ve cramped harder than others.”

Blitzer sighed. “Aah! The whole time I was wondering where they even had come from. My parents never said anything specific, they just smiled. No wonder, they knew I was… close to…”

His face expressed abject horror as the realisation settled in.

“The whole time… they were… they knew I was close to evolving, and I always wanted to evolve…”

“Sounds about right. What parent wouldn’t be happy to see that-”

Before Skal could finish his sentence, Blitzer suddenly tipped over rightwards, a loud, scream-like whine came out of his throat. George immediately jumped off his laurels to try and comfort him. The black scarves looked away. Blitzer curled up into the fetal position. Tears flowed uncontrollably out of his eyes.

“Blitzer, it’s okay,” George whispered.

But for as long as Blitzer was awake, there was no consoling him.
 

tomatorade

The great speckled bird
Location
A town at the bottom of the ocean
Pronouns
He/Him
Partners
  1. quilava
  2. buizel
Alright, it me. Back once again. For chapter six to eight.

Gotta refresh my memory of what happened the last time I read, but it's coming back slowly as I read.

I do always like these chapters reflecting the staple PMD scenes, in this case the nighttime talk. It's fairly common, but a great inclusion both in the games and in the fanfic--a moment to calm down after the shakeup last chapter and easy to underestimate in terms of character building.

Not much comes of it really, but I wouldn't say it's wasted. We get a bit more of a vibe for George's time with the headmistress and, as an extra bonus, we learn Blitzer is a shark who can smell fear. I'm always shocked that this is real science. maybe not for lizards (idk) but we have magic here s it's no problem.

"The fate of the world wasn't resting on their shoulders." uh huh. we'll see about that, mister.

The Walk

So I definitely forgot why exactly they were going into the dungeon and had to go back and check lol. Lot of pressure to have on your shoulder but they seem eager to save everyone from starvation, at least. And it introduces some decent stakes and tension besides the general antagonist/bully thing PMD likes to setup as a trial villain early. Don't know if I expected to get into this, at least this soon, based on the general vibes of the first chapters, but I happen to welcome it.

And we get a little more peek into your split of ferals/civilised pokes. Honestly, I'll echo George's sentiment in the split being a little vague. Considerably moreso given the feral's aren't relegated to dungeons and apparently are even chilling in town with others. Has me asking some questions about how that functions, but I'll wait for answers before casting judgement.

George and Blitzer warm up to each other quick, huh. It's sort of a staple of the genre, but also a little strange hearing Blitzer reveal something he's never talked about even to his parents, who he clearly loves. It's not a huge, deep secret to be fair, but one of those moments I have where 'you have know each other for only days' echos through my head. Otherwise, the scene itself is cute and touching. It's a good place for it, I think. Maybe could have been an opportunity to see more specifics of what's going on outside the village beyond broad strokes, but they're also not going too far. It's neither here nor there.

Hug <3

Huh. Fairly short chapter, actually. Don't have much else to comment on seeing as it's a fairly transitional chapter. But breaking up the dungeon segment felt like a good idea.

Dungeon 2

C'mon George. Rizz youself up a bit. waterbreathing's sick, trust me.

Minor technical/worldbuilding note. I'm not sure howling winds and mist can really exist at the same time.

Anyaws, I like the image you built up here. it's fairly simple in execution , but I got a clear picture. Sort of Peruvian. A Macchu Picchu, but spooky. Love the detail of shadows moving through the mists.

We get a bit of internal conflict on George's end here. Contemplating Blitzer's poor listening skills lol. Honestly, it comes a little too soon and strongly imo. Up till now, they've been very friendly and had basically no real pushback towards each other. So to hear, 'oh, he never listens to me, tryign to argue wiht him is futile,' feels a little jarring when we otherwise haven't seen any arguing. It's a sentiment that feels like it should come after a bit of a back-and-forth or after a string of incidents where Blitzer ignores Geroge, but neither have really happened. idk, maybe I've repeatedly missed George thinking/voicing his frustrations.

Though it's especially srange coming right after a scene where Blitzer does listen and gets George to open up a bit.

IMO the ideal effect here should be the audience echoing George's thoughts before/alongside him.

And George has a bit of a moment after. Don't blame him tbh. dog is scarier than bug, it's just science.

You've got some good action going on. It's quick and snappy, the prose emulating the feeling of the battle itself. It's not especially bloated, which is refreshing. Some PMD I'll read pagelong fights in the first dungeon and really worry about how that might increase in later chapter lol.

I'm not a huge fan of Goerge's internal thoughts pointing out that Blitzer may be regretting this a bit. It's the type of thing I think is better to see through the character's own actions instead. Lucky you have the poochyena fights before where there's some opportunity to maybe show Blitzer feeling a little shaken.

And finally, George has become the waterbender. I love how much Blitzer talks him up like he's the greatest thing Blitzer's ever seen. Dude's the best wingman, I swear.

Lance is back. Truly a voice of reason, even if he's alittle too eager to nu-uh, yuh-huh with Blitzer. His turnaround on letting them help is a little quick but it seems he's just given up trying to convince them at that point.

hmmmm I wonder how heroism will function thematically thorugh the story. I'm especially side-eying the moment George and Blitzer realise that clearing the dungeon efficiently with Lance is not really grand or valiant. And given the world itself is a little more politically charged than the average PMD society right off the bat, I can see a future with punished Blitzer lol. It's also a great reminder that they have a long way to go. I love these types of scenes where the heroes battle through a difficult task and have to watch someone more experienced do the same with ease. Humbling. Though I can't imagine Blitzer will take it the right way.

Lance is fun, too. Charmander racism aside. It's nice to have some opposition to the dudes. I wonder if his little speech to Blitzer will stick. Maybe that's too easy if it does. Plus, I crave the drama--I wonder if George's moment of resentment will grow into something bigger or not.

The tension ramps up pretty significantly near the end of chapter eight, by my calculations. The interaction with the soldiers was brief and inconsequential, but does good to remind us how present they are in society. Add on Lance's vague promises of worse coming and we're setting up some big odds to fight against. I like that's it's fairly open ended. The benefit of having the antagonist be something more broad and societal than an individual person is that there's a lot of flexibility around what can happen. An army can be in many places at once, doing many things--even hypocritically. There's a motivation there, but it's difficult to tell what will happen in the future in an exciting way. They could crop up anywhere.

And we end on a pair picking up on George's presence. Not the soldiers, I think but idk who else otherwise.

Anyway, I had fun reading. Wanted to stop on seven but enjoyed myself and didn't want to cut it in the middle of the dungeon.

If I had one broad complaint it would be that emotional arc in the dungeon doesn't always come together. I mentioned George's comment before, but even as Lance scolds him later it feels fairly disconnected. It might help to have George comment or reflect on the fact that Lance is voicing some of the complaints he thought earlier. We do get a bit of a mini arc with George finally using some waterpower, which I thought went well.

Keep writing!
 

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott
Review replies-

@tomatorade
Not sure where you got the idea that ferals live in civilised towns - that hasn't come up once, I believe. In any case, it's not the intention that this is the case at all.

Emotionally speaking... yeah, it can get pretty messy early on. My own explanation is that George isn't exactly the most rational figure early on, and can come up with some pretty rash and reckless conclusions over the tiniest things. Might have to retool some of this later, try to make that more clear.

Also, not to spoil too much, but George does get more meticulous later on. Some character growth to look forward to. Thanks again for reviewing-
 
Chapter 34

Gyeig

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. samurott

Chapter 34 - Crossroads​


“Ah… you have finally returned, George.”

The darkness of the night gave way to a clear sky. George worked his way to his feet, once again finding himself in the vast clouds of his dreams. It had been some time since he’d last been here, but he remembered it well. Indeed, when pressing his feet into the surface of the clouds, his feet sprung right back; whatever voice had called him here didn’t want him to leave.

‘It’s you again, isn’t it?’

“Indeed it is. I am who you think I am.”

‘You’ve never told me who you are.’

“Correct. And it will not be necessary…for now. What matters is your immediate situation, George.”

‘Wait, no, what about you? Who are you? How can I even trust you when-.’

“Take my word for it, George. You are not in a good position at this time. The Crest and its Soldiers are closing in on you as we speak, similar to the ones who have haunted you in the past.”

‘The other residents…?’

“Correct again. But this time, the consequences will be worse… much worse. You must have faith in me. I want nothing more than to see you thrive. You were brought here for a reason, after all.”

‘Hngh…’

George had nothing to respond with - not even a half baked thought. The voice’s knowledge on the situation was slightly reassuring, however. At least it seemed to care.

“Trust is difficult. I fully understand your doubts, but listen to me carefully. Eravate’s future is fragile, and easily shattered. Follow the two who have taken you under their wing. They and they alone are your only way to safety at this time.”

‘They don’t have wings, though. They’re awfully suspicious to me as well, I’ve never met them before, and here they come up to me telling me that I’m important for… whatever reason. Just because I’m not from here. Oh, they already know my name and my friend’s name too, somehow.’

“They have been monitoring your presence in this world for a while now, George. Remember, you are an Othersider. You are technically not supposed to be here, and yet here you are. You were brought here for a very important reason, and they know it well. Eravate’s future depends on you. And your future depends on them.”

‘But why? Why do they-’

“They want nothing more than to see their homeland thrive free, George. Believe me, they mean the very best for you and your newfound friend. You may choose not to follow them, but it will not end well. The Soldiers will not treat you with the same kindness those two have shown you, and will continue to show you.”

‘Yes, I understand that, but-’

“Follow them. That is all the advice I can offer at this time. Our time runs short. It takes much out of me to speak with you in my weakened state.”

‘But there’s so much I don’t know yet! How can I-’

“Easy now, George. The answers to those questions will come in due time. For now, follow what you know deep down. Your friend depends on you more than any other right now. His and your safety is paramount at this time, George… do not forget it.”

With those parting words, the voice fell silent once more. An exhale from above sent the blue skies and clouds back into the darkness, leaving George with many unanswered questions running through his head. Far, far too many questions, none of which he was going to find the answer to anytime soon.

Frustrated, he took his scalchop from his chest, and tossed it into the darkness with a yell.

* * *​

The night did little to heal the wounds of the previous day. It was a struggle to get Blitzer off his bed without him breaking into tears. He’d been having bad dreams, and wouldn’t elaborate on them. George had no trouble guessing, however. When all of someone’s dreams had been shattered, nightmares were all that was left over.

Blitzer didn’t want to eat. No appetite. Even when Orans were being held up right in front of his face, he didn’t want them. Too tired, he said. A dreary churring sound came out of his throat. It sounded demoralised, like he had given up altogether. His body language was lethargic, as were his responses.

Nevertheless, they had to move on. It took a promise from Terez that Nero and Nera were still saveable to get him to move. Even then, when they hit the road, Blitzer dragged his feet behind the rest of the group. Skal threatened to sling him over his shoulder if he didn’t hurry. So Blitzer bit his tongue, and sped up just enough to keep up with George, who had his own questions to ask.

“Hey…”

George looked beside him with a frown. “Hey, are you okay?”

“No,” Blitzer whimpered, “I just want to go home…”

George's frown grew deeper. “Me too, buddy. Me too.”

“I don’t get it anymore. Why is all of this happening to us? What did we ever do wrong? What did my parents ever do wrong? I should’ve… I should’ve stayed behind with them, they might’ve had a chance then…” Blitzer said with a sniff. George grabbed him by the hand.

“Hey, don’t be so harsh on yourself. This is what they wanted, right? They told us to run.”

Blitzer shook his head. “No, they wouldn’t… they told me we’d stick together forever if it came to this… Why did she tell us to run? She shouldn’t have, we promised-”

George tugged on his hand. “Because they probably knew better. That we’d have no chance to make it out if we all stayed behind.”

“That’s not true…” Blitzer whimpered. “I refuse to believe it, we would have found a way.”

George shook his head. “Had we all stayed and fought, they would’ve surrounded us. You saw how many of them there were, right? They would’ve thrown themselves against us until we’d give up, there was no way we would’ve outlasted them all. And if we had all run, they would’ve caught up with us eventually. One was almost enough if not for you evolving, and… those two.” He looked towards the black scarved Aggron with an uneasy gaze.

They silently followed the trail Skal and Terez were laying out for them, accompanied by the wavering wind, and the smell of cut grass. Blitzer wiped the tears out of his eyes again and again, like a beaver trying to dam in a raging river, while George held his head low, his tail dragging over the ground as he walked. The roads were not being kind. Any place but home wasn’t kind at this time.

But what home was there? A vague one the black scarves promised, which in all likelihood wasn’t a suitable replacement. They were just ragtag rebels. Powerful ones, but ragtag regardless. They wouldn’t be well off no matter how hospitable they and their partners in crime could be.

An unwell feeling stirred deep inside of George. He could try to comfort Bitzer all he liked, but in reality, he was in no position to give. The voice in the dream may have told him to be strong, but he wasn’t. He was just an undeveloped fourteen year old that couldn’t handle that headmistress nor the others he lived with. Couldn’t handle them, even though he was on equal footing.

What chance did he have now? In a world full of creatures capable of moving waters, he knew little besides spitting some water. Yet the world was being asked of him. He couldn’t help himself, let alone others. And the fact that Blitzer was no better off now spoke for itself. He squeezed his eyes shut, and leaned against the Charmeleon’s arm.

That’s just who he was.

“George…?”

He looked up and met Blitzer’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be.”

“I’ve tried, I can’t make this any easier. I’m-”

“If… If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve given up already.”

George’s ears poked up. “Do you mean that?”

Blitzer nodded. “You’re all I have left now, George. Please don’t end up like me, okay?” he said with a sniff.

George bit his lip, as Blitzer’s long arms spread around his back and lifted him from the ground. He returned the favour as quick as he could, his head leaning against Blitzer’s. It felt relieving. What a shame it took this long to get to this point.

All the while, Skal and Terez marched onwards, occasionally glancing back to make sure the two were following. Their moment of calm and respite didn’t last long. The two black scarves made clear with their eyes alone that now was not the time for respite.

* * *​

The trek continued past thickets and villages, over hills and through thorns. They didn’t stop for much: For wild berries to stave the hunger, the occasional stream to quell thirst and rest their legs. That was about it. No amount of complaints changed this. Skal and Terez were determined to get to the sanctuary as fast as possible. It was necessary, so they said.

It was late in the afternoon when Skal finally stopped for a breather. From the aching in his feet, George could tell they had made quite the distance. He was more than ready for a reprieve, but that wouldn’t come for many more moons.

“Right. Here we are, gotta see here real quick.”

Skal walked up to a signpost at the edge of the crossing. He drummed on the hands of the post with his claws, eye darting back and forth over the boards while the trees behind shook from the wind passing through. It was warmer here than in Greenfield. If not for the wind, the sun would’ve been a nuisance.

All the while, Terez’s gaze was drawn to the sky, as she carefully paced her way from one side of the crossroads to another.

“What’s wrong?” Blitzer asked. Terez’s routine was interrupted; she raised her hand towards him.

“Nothing much, Blitzer. We need to discuss what route we’re taking. This won’t be long, do not worry.”

“Ya heard her, gotta have a team meetin’ here. That includes both of ya, by the way. Yer as much a part of this as we,” Skal said with a nod. His horns shone in the sun’s light.

George thumbed his nose. “That’s the first time you’ve ever said something like that.”

“‘Cause out here sucks for talkin’. But we got some time now, and this is important enough, alright.” Skal bared half of his teeth in an odd manner: He only showed half, and kept his head at an angle. George reached for his scalchop.

‘Maybe I spoke too soon.’

Skal cleared his throat. “Right, here’s the deal. We’ve gotta decide what route we’re pickin to get to base. Got two options. One is to go northwards, so to our left here. That’ll mean goin’ through populated areas, which means no worryin’ about food. ‘Course, Crest Soldiers plenty there, so we’ll have to be careful. Otherwise, we’ll be goin’ out east, through Kronn province.”

“Kronn province?” George inquired.

“Never heard of it before?” Skal asked. His eyes then widened from what seemed like a sudden realisation. That, or Terez getting in between him and George.

“Of course he wouldn’t know, he is the Othersider, you chippy idiot.”

“Hahah… that’s right.” Skal turned away towards the neighbouring trees with a sway of his tail, which landed back on the path with an audible crunch. George folded his arms over his scalchop.

“Well, what’s so different about this Kronn province, then? Is there any reason why we should take it over the other path?”

Terez gave George a nod deep enough to seem like a bow. “Most certainly. The Kronn is the quickest route available to us. It is a sparsely populated land of sand, rock and gravel. There is little vegetation there, quite a contrast from what you must be accustomed to by now.”

George bit his lip. “That-”

“That sounds alright, actually!” Blitzer said, his tail twitching back and forth. Skal then growled in approval at Blitzer, then laughed. George raised a brow at him, his tail smacking the ground.

‘Well, don’t mind me here, damn.’

Terez clasped her hands together. “Indeed, for a Pokemon such as you, the climate of the Kronn is most suitable. And I have more than enough anecdotes to tell you how much Skal feels in his element there, but that is of little importance,” she said. Skal stood behind her, jokingly shaking his head.

“Sounds like a plan then!” Blitzer shouted.

“Wait, no. There’s bound to be downsides there as well, right?” George asked. The idea of travelling through a land of rock and sand made a parched sensation cross through his body.

“And I was getting to that,” Terez responded. “As I said, it is a sparsely populated land, and there are many reasons for this. Most important is that there are few proper opportunities to rest. There are few streams, few villages, and the few people there are not fond of sharing the few resources they have. Furthermore, the skies are open as can be. It will not take long for any pursuing Soldiers to spot us.”

George shook his head. ‘More than enough strikes against that option’, he thought.

Blitzer fidgeted around with his claws, his tail hanging limp on the ground. “I-is that true?” he asked, looking towards all three, George most of all.

“Yah, ain’t a word wrong there,” Skal blurted out as he stomped his way past Terez. “But c’mon now. It ain’t that bad. For one, there ain’t nowhere near as many Soldiers there! Less people, less control. And second, there ain’t many places to rest, but ye can hide yerself there just fine!”

Terez’s facial expression soured. “Skal, you are not seriously considering making the Othersider cross through the Kronn province’s Mystery Dungeons, are you?”

Skal grinned back at her. “C’mon Terrie, ya know me too well.”

Terez sighed. “It’s not Terrie… like it even matters, we cannot go through the Kronn, it is far too dangerous.”

“Um, actually, George and I have gone through a few Mystery Dungeons before,” Blitzer said.

“I can guarantee you they’re nothing compared to the utter misery the Kronn has to offer,” Terez rebuked. She spoke with such a blunt tone that it seemed like she had contempt for anyone who suggested going through the Kronn in the first place. Given that George was the only one she still looked at bright eyes, it wasn’t out of the question.

Blitzer didn’t respond, instead preferring to hold and caress his own tail. Arguing this required a strength he didn’t have right now. A strength Skal very much had, on the other hand.

“Oi, ye and I watched over ‘em ourselves, right? Ye saw it happen yerself with me there right next to ya, for Arceus’ sake! Don’t know about ye, but I know what I saw alright. These two ain’t pushovers when it comes down to it!” Skal shouted so loud that any attempt to get him to shut up went nowhere. It wasn’t angry shouting, either. Rather the kind one would hear from someone who took ‘happy hours’ a bit too literally.

“Sure, Kronn’s tough livin’ on its own, but lemme tell ya, they got us. They can handle it. And if they can’t, well, might as well teach ‘em now, right?”

Terez put her hand out in front of her. “This is not the time to start betting odds, Skal. Leave that to your spare days.”

“Yer sayin’ that like I ain’t ever done it before.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“Coulda fooled me.”

The Gardevoir turned her back on the Aggron, and shook her head. “You know, sometimes I wonder just how I managed to end up next to you. All the millions of Pokemon in Eravate, you.”

The Aggron then stomped his feet into the dirt with enough force to cause the earth beneath to crack. George and Blitzer, who had tepidly watched on until now, both backed away.

“Ye know… this ain’t exactly my idea of good livin’, Terez. You live, breathe, eat and sleep this thing every damn day, always actin’ all stressed out when things ain’t the way you want it. But lemme tell you somethin’. I wanna have some time to relax. Sometimes, I just wanna beat the distortion outta some ferals or Soldiers without anyone gettin’ in the way over nonsense. Livin’ this sucks. Lemme… no, let us all have some fun, yea? I’d lose my damn mind otherwise.”

Skal leaned over Terez with an intimidating glare. He had more than a third of her height on her, and was making use of it. George searched for Blitzer’s company once again; the feeling was mutual.

Terez wasn’t impressed. “This is no time for fun and games, Skal. You’re an adult, not an Aron fresh out of the egg. You know full well what is at stake here.”

“Yeh. I do. Ye don’t.”

And so the two bickered among themselves for a little while, jabbing and prodding at each other. First with words, then they escalated it with mild attacks: Terez prodded at Skal with slight psychic pushes that only made the Aggron sway around a little, and Skal sent vibrations through the ground under Terez’ feet, which she brushed off like the spring breeze.

George frowned as they kept going at it. Somehow he just knew that neither of them had any interest in deescalating: No need to study their body language or what verbal dreck they were spewing, he just knew on instinct. At the rate they were going, they wouldn’t even notice something was amiss, not when their faces were inches away from each other. They looked like criminals arguing in a back alley.

After a minute, George finally had enough. He stomped like Skal had a moment earlier several times. Neither of the black scarves noticed; his stubby feet wouldn’t leave a mark on a pebble. He groaned, shook his head, and breathed in deep.

‘No other way of fixing this, not my fault!’

“George, no! Don’t!”

Blitzer tried pulling him out of the way, but to no avail. George spat a jet of water out of his mouth, spraying both black scarves soaking wet in the process. That got their attention, alright.

“Aargh! You little!” Skal blocked the beam with an arm; the hiss of his breath sounded over the water splashing all over his body.

“O-othersider, what the actual-” Terez stumbled over her own words. She had been taken by total surprise and jumped into action: Her eyes took on the telltale blue glow. George felt a force trying to snap his jaw shut. He gritted his teeth and fought against it. Easier said and done: the force was immensely straining for the second that it lasted before wavering.

“My- what was that for?!”

“Why are you two fighting over this?” George shouted. Skal had taken a stomp forward, but stopped now. Terez stared uncomfortably at him, holding onto one of her arms as if nursing a wound. It was quiet in the forest. No birds sang, no insects chittered, no critters skittered.

“Does this really matter?! I don’t care how we get to safety, as long as we get there, okay? Left or forward, they both get there, you said so, who cares whichever road is best, just pick one and let’s get out of here, alright?”

George panted. Skal and Terez looked each other straight in the eye as if they’d both just woken up from a loud scream.

A loud growl suddenly crept into everyone’s ears. George was caught off guard: He turned to see the Charmeleon with his back turned, staring at the left hand path with his tail flared and claws spread. George’s hand instinctively went to his scalchop.

“I- no, you’re right. We need to pick.”

“Yeh, and fast…! Damnit, look!”

“They’re coming!” Blitzer snarled.

In the distance of the left hand path, a group of five Pokemon came marching. They had cleared a hill in the distance. Each had a green scarf: One stuck their claw out and yelled something out to the group. Suddenly the five of them took off with a roar, sending sparks and dirt flying across their surroundings

Skal wasted no time raising one foot, then bringing it down with a loud heave, much like an axe upon the chopping block. The path cracked and split open; none of the five let themselves be halted by that alone, continuing their roaring onslaught over the ruined earth.

Terez went in after, sending a wave of sonar pulses from her arm rushing towards the five, who scattered to dodge the attack: Some were hit, others ended up tripping over the large crack, falling face first into the ground with sharp growls. “Hurry, hurry!” she shouted.

George’s hand shook. The Soldiers in the distance were already recovering, even as Skal launched earth over a wide range with his feet. He and his scalchop stood little chance, and he wasn’t going to stick around to find out what would happen, but Blitzer wouldn’t budge. He was heaving, growling, holding his claws besides him, spoiling for a fight. George’s ears went flat upon hearing Terez call for them both to flee. He couldn’t leave Blitzer here to die.

“Blitzer, Blitzer it’s not worth it-”

“BACK OFF!” the Charmeleon snarled. George froze in an instant; for a brief second, Blitzer glared at him with hatred blazing in his eyes. It was as if he wanted to tear George apart, and was on the verge of following through. George’s tail fell onto the ground as he backed away, heart racing.

It was then that Skal ceased his attacks. “Oi, what are ye…”

Blitzer shot a glare at him as well, his sharp teeth laid bare. Skal immediately grabbed Blitzer by the chest; the anger melted off his face like ice in the desert as he was slung over one of Skal’s shoulder spikes.

“Hey- aaaah! Put me down! PUT ME DOWN!” Blitzer shouted, thrashing about with his arms in Skal’s iron grip.

“Shut up, we’re goin!” Skal growled back at him, before stomping off.

George suddenly jolted forward with a burst of speed; it was like he was being pushed forward. Further up the road to the Kronn, Terez stood channelling a blue glow in her eyes, her hair whipping about as if caught in a storm. Their choice had been made for them. As they all made their getaway, George and Blitzer’s gazes met: Both were filled with regret.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, dropping in for my P-Wheel review. The next chapter up on the list for me was a bit short and I felt that completing P-Wheel reviewing less than 3500 words was a bit cheap, so I decided to go ahead and make this review a double-feature:

Chapter 12

“Morning kids! Time to get up!”

A foul wind howled over the battlefield. Scarred, he stood on his rear legs, exhausted yet defiant. The green beast facing him approached with growling breaths, each step sending shocks through the earth. He clanged his seamitars together, a cocky yet cold smile spreading over his snout. Even as sand pelted him in the snout, he was ready, his heart pumping with the energy of a thousand suns.

“Breakfast is almost ready!”

I take it that George is meant to be dreaming while Nera’s trying to wake him up in the background or something. I do wonder if it would’ve made sense to put either the dream’s contents or Nera’s dialogue into italics in order to emphasize that they’re happening in different “spaces” from each other.

With a colossal roar, the monster charged. The seamitars rose up in anticipation. Feet steady on the shaking ground, eyes steeled and sharp, he waited for the right moment. His claws buzzed with the desire to plunge both swords into the foul creature, that terrorizer of thousands. He would put its terrifying reign to an end. He would be the knight slaying the dragon, and win the peace for a generation The thought set him ablaze. As the beast charged in, he bared his teeth and leapt with every ounce of strength in his legs...

“GEORGE! BLITZER! BREAKFAST IS READY, GET OUT OF BED OR IT WILL GET COLD!”

I actually wonder if George could distinctly identify what the monster was, or if it’s meant to be intentionally hazy because “something something dream sequence”. Though I can’t tell whether or not this was a mere fantasy or a premonition of things to come.

Arms flailing, George flopped on the bed until his eyes were open. He propped himself upright, then looked towards his body. Light blue fur, scalchop attached to said fur, and little stubby feet. He sighed. ‘That was fun while it lasted. Back to reality it is.’

Whelp, I suppose that’s a sign that it was just a fantasy. Probably. Maybe.

“Uuuurgh…”

Blitzer had rolled off his bed and onto the cold floor, eyes spinning and limbs flailing as if he was making an angel in the snow. Smears of dirt stained his cream-coloured chest. George cringed at the sight. ‘Oh dear. Last thing we need is his parents getting even crankier.’

I’m honestly surprised that Blitzer would enjoy making a snow angel, since you’d think the snow would melt from his body heat and start to form water. Though perhaps he uses a different medium normally like sand.

After polishing the dirt off, George grabbed the Charmander’s arm and pulled him upright. [ ]

“Gooood mooorning, Geooorge…”

“Good morning to you too, sleepyhead.”

IMO, it might have been worth it to more explicitly describe Blitzer’s yawning reaction there, since it’d also shift the proverbial focus back to George before he speaks up again.

Mornings were tiring. That was a truth in life that carried over to everyone, regardless of who, where, or what they were. Little by little did, George dragged Blitzer to the living area, where the parents had been waiting on them for several minutes. Nera was looking the other way, while Nero had an air of ire hanging around him.

“There you little scamps are. I was about to give up hope on you two coming on your own. Seriously, one more another minute and I’d have dragged you both out of bed by your feet.”

George pulled a sour face. “Why do you have to be so rude?”

Wow, George, just wow. I suppose that’s one sign that he’s been settling in if he’s comfortable enough to around Nero to be lippy with him now.

Nero let his teeth stick out of his mouth. “We’ve been over this yesterday! We were having a treat for breakfast today, and that jumpy bag of orange right there was practically tearing up the house when we promised!

[ ]

Now we’ve been sitting here watching it get cold for the past few minutes, and where are you two? Not even able to get out of bed. You both look like a bunch of Goomy, the both of you struggling to keep your heads up like that!”

I left a suggestion of how to rework Nero’s Goomy comparison to make it a bit more “punchy”, though his line in general is long enough that IMO it should be two separate paragraphs with something in between them.

“Aaaahh….” Blitzer leaned on George, oblivious to his father’s words.

“Honey, please calm down. It is only morning,” said Nera, still looking in the other direction.

[ ]


“Yes, yes,” Nero muttered. “Have a seat already. Food’s not getting any warmer.”

If Nero is meant to calm down before he tells the kids to sit down, it might make sense to explicitly mention that. Ditto if he’s supposed to still be visibly annoyed.

“...food?” Blitzer sniffed with the power of a vacuum cleaner. With a burst of energy, he stood on his own two legs and slid his way to the table. “Food!”

George almost fell over as Blitzer jolted off him. Shaking his head much like Nero did, he joined the rest of the family at the table.

‘A little warning would have been nice…’

Well, we know a surefire way to wake Blitzer up in the future. :V

Once the two were seated, Nera finally took her attention away from the nearby wall. [ ]

Morning sweetheart. I made your favorite soup this morning.”

“I smelled it!” Blitzer said. “Vegetable soup is the best! Thank you mom!”

Nera chuckled back at him Blitzer. He struggled to contain himself from just lifting up the bowl over his head and dumping its contents straight into his gullet.

IMO, the final bit should be a bit more clear that the ‘him’ is referring to Blitzer. It probably also might make sense to explicitly mention that Nera turns her attention to Blitzer when turning from the wall since it again would shift narrative focus to her a bit more thoroughly.

“No worries. I found some leftover vegetables in the pantry, and you know I don’t like things going to waste.”

George studied the soup for himself. It wasn’t the prettiest looking concoction, to put it mildly. Vegetable bits bobbing around in a mixture of dim, acidic greens. It at least smelled appetising, but his eyes weren’t feeling it. Long after the family had dug in, George cautiously sipped from the bowl. The broth was salty, with a hint of sweetness inside. It had an odd texture, one which made it difficult to swallow. His taste buds weren’t a fan. Not one bit.

‘Blegh, I’d be surprised if even the headmistress would approve of this.’

There’s some really, really depressing potential implications for how Blitzer is so excited about this soup cobbled together from leftover vegetables. Especially considering how in prior chapters, it was mentioned that the village was tight on food.

Off as the broth was, George didn’t want to just stop right there. With how Blitzer was audibly snarfing it down, there had to have been something George was missing. He took a bite out of one of the vegetables. Softer than jelly with a texture even further in bizarro land than the broth, it slid down George’s narrowing throat. He panted afterwards.

‘Never mind, she would. Urk...’

George: “Blitzer, seriously, how on earth can you stand this?”
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Blitzer slammed his bowl on the table. “Aah, that was the best! You’re such a great cook, mom!”

“Thank you, son. I always put everything I have into every dish,” Nera said.

George stared with sleepless eyes at all the soup he had left, as the others licked their mouths clean. Unable to stomach another bite, George was trapped. They had eaten their fill, while he had hardly taken more than a few bites. The soup stared back at him. Through him, even. It was rude to just leave it standing there. Yet guilt couldn’t bribe him into continuing.

Can’t tell if this is mustelid obligate carnivorism in action, or if the vegetable soup is just genuinely that gross to anyone who hasn’t been raised to not turn up food for any reason.

“You romantic fools.” Nero hacked up a chuckle.

“Hey, George? Are you not going to eat that?” Blitzer asked.

All eyes were on George. Despite the guilt now being stirred up, he couldn’t bring himself to lift that wooden spoon up to his mouth one more time. It wasn’t edible. He just couldn’t do it. No amount of struggling could get him to do it. It just wasn’t in him.

inb4 he forces himself to eat it anyways and genuinely does
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in public

“George? Are you okay?” Nera asked, leaning in a little.

The Oshawott shook his pale head. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m not hungry.”

“What do you mean? It is breakfast, you’re supposed to be hungry. Do you not like the soup?”

The wooden spoon fell out of George’s hand. “No. I don’t like it.”

George: “Um, I know that I didn’t exactly have a great start in the morning with you two, but that’s not going to be a problem, is it?”
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“Whaaat?! That’s not possible! How can anyone not like mom’s soup? It’s the best!” said Blitzer with curious twitches of his tail. He then leaned forward over the table towards George, resting his elbows on the table and letting his head rest on his claws, his arms acting as support columns.

George didn’t want to look him in the eye. His face had been slathered in a mixture of tiredness and anxiety, all over some soup. Of course, Blitzer had been eating said soup his whole life. All creatures in this civilised world had been eating it. Except George, of course. The human in him was still present as ever on his taste buds.

Ahh, that would explain a few things about how George was reacting so viscerally to this, though this feels like another paragraph that would work better split up into smaller pieces. Though I wonder if the idea of “oh god, this again” should’ve been played up or foreshadowed a little more prior to this point in the story.

“Calm down, you,” Nero grumbled. “Big deal, kid’s been here for a week and you expect him to like all the food we eat right away.”

Nera nodded. “Yes, dear. George is different. That’s all.”

The frown on George’s face grew wider. Different. That’s what he’d be in the end. Not like the others. Oshawott on the surface, the human kid from the foster’s home on the inside. Everyone in the world would eventually see that in one way or another. Not someone who could live an ordinary life here, if that was even possible.

The idea of it all being a dream made some noise in his head. Sure, it had been more than a week. Ten days of adventure and sleep and everything in between, all so vivid, but was it truly meant to be? Or was he going to wake up in bed again, ready to receive another scolding? The thought sent a chill down his spine. A cruel joke, that’s what it all was.

I mean, just saying George, there are some other alternatives to this being a dream that are fairly common in the isekai genre that would probably make you freak out nice and hard.
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“But, but,” Blitzer stammered, “it’s so delicious! Irresistible! How can anyone not like it? That makes no sense.”

Nero rolled his eyes. “Kid, he’s not from here. I just said that.”

“But it’s so good!”

George: “Um… can we just chalk it up to Oshawott taste buds or something like that? Look, the point is that I genuinely really, really did not like it.” >_>;

Nera tried calming Blitzer down, who by now had reduced himself to beggarly pleas. George found it hard to watch, keeping his eyes to the soup under his nose. Food for a Pokemon, not a human. It wasn’t going to be the last dish he couldn’t eat. No, his true self was bound to come out. And what would happen then?

I actually don’t think that I see differences in tastes between humans and Pokémon considered all that much in isekai-based PMD stories, so this is a neat detail to see explored. I’m not sure if I follow with the mention of ‘pleas’ from Blitzer though, since if he’s doing that, wouldn’t that be directed at George to give the soup another try and not Nera?

‘Headmistress…’

“Blitzer, we know, you like it a lot, but George doesn’t. Don’t take it so hard, will you?” Nera asked her son. George felt a foreleg drape around his neck. “Let little George take his time getting accustomed to things, none of us know what he’s really going through. Thrown in here with us, and there’s no way back home.”

IMO, you should consider setting George’s inner thoughts apart from the rest of the text a bit more, since for a brief moment, I thought that George murmured that under his breath there.

“T-that’s not true, he-”

Blitzer was stopped from talking any further by a purple foreleg. Nero’s ears were flat against his head.

Lad. You’re not one to talk about handling change. Remember the time we suggested you find another roof to sleep under for a day? ‘Cause I sure do. You spent the whole day crying your eyes out.”

“H-hey! That’s not true!”

Narrator: “It was absolutely true.”

Though I wonder if that’s going to lead to any character moments later on, since I’ve heard through the grapevine as to where this story goes in its later run, and… uh… there’s quite a few changes from the present day right now.

“Oh yes it is. Still remember it like it was yesterday.”

“But it was years ago!”

Nera beat the table a few times with a foreleg. [ ]

Alright, I think that’s enough breakfast for today. George, I’ll get you some berries. We’re having something else tomorrow, don’t worry. We might not have much, but we still have choices. As long as the gatherers remain successful and the merchants keep coming, we should be fine… yes,” she said with a hint of anxiety in her voice. “Let’s clean this up. You two can have leftover soup if you want.”

Aaaaand cue the problems with the gatherers and merchants in the imminent future. Since I can see that anxiety from Nera brought up at the end. I do wonder if it’d make sense to note Nera turning her attention to George/Blitzer/whoever more explicitly than what’s presently there, though.

[ ]

“Yaay!”

“Fine by me.”

Wait, who is saying each line here? Though it might also make sense to throw in some body language as well, especially if Blitzer is meant to be cheering up from earlier.

Having cleaned up after breakfast and after wiping off the berry juice that made up for the soup he skipped, George put on his scarf and went outside on his own. He wanted some time alone to think, and sat down at the side of the path. From here the place he sat, it there was a slope all the way down to the stream. Fortunately, no other villagers would bother him, with the Blitzer’s house being located at the end of a path away from the village, none of the other villagers were likely to bother him. It was a good place for a small respite. Some alone time to calm the senses.

Or at least it was in theory, anyway.

“Wait for me!”

George: “Ugh, seriously, Blitzer? Can’t you read a room here?”
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The door of the hovel audibly fell into its frame. Footsteps came up behind; who else, besides Blitzer? George’s head dipped as he turned to face the Charmander, whose protests over the soup had long been forgotten.

“There you are. Man, you are fast when you want to be!” said Blitzer. He was still fidgeting with the scarf he’d tied up in hurry, which It looked as if he had gotten into a fight with the scarf it while putting it on.

Blitzer does this quite a bit, doesn’t he? Since I get the distinct feeling that this isn’t the first time where Blitzer’s charged out the door obviously throwing his scarf on. :V

“Well, you did say you wanted to set out as fast as we could, right?” George replied.

Blitzer nodded. “Yeah, of course. That’s me, alright. But that didn’t mean you had to hurry ahead of me, right?”

George bit his tongue. “Yeah.” ‘Telling him is only going to make things worse. Let’s not.’

de7.png


Though I do wonder if George should’ve had a bit more reaction to his attempted peace and quiet getting snuffed out not even two minutes into it… unless if he was meant to be there for a while, which was a bit hard to pick up the vibe from from the provided description.

<><><>

Company at his side, George had to leave left his respite behind for now, and walked through town with Blitzer. From what they could gather, the message had vaguely pointed them north from the signs at the entrance to the village, so they believed, and so that was where they were headed. Passing by the ever so peaceful houses and fields in bloom, there was a noticeable lack of energy. Something was missing, yet what was a question mark for both youngsters.

In any case, the village seemed fine after half of the food supply had been confiscated a week earlier. There was a lively atmosphere coming from the café, people treated their neighbours with respect. War, famine, oppression, disaster, it could all come and go, and Greenfield would still go on as usual. This little town had a spirit unmatched by anything else. Out of all places and for all the awkward moments he’d had, George was glad to have ended up here.

IMO, this section is a big enough departure from the front of Blitzer’s house that it might be worth putting in a hard scene break. I also felt that the “out of all places” sentence would work better if it was tied in more directly with the sentence before where George muses about how Greenfield just seems to keep on going.

Upon their approach to the entrance, Blitzer poked George on the shoulder. [ ]

So, do tell me. Why don’t you like mom’s soup?”

George glanced at Blitzer, his mouth curled into a slight frown. “Why do you ask?”

IMO, it might make sense to have a moment describing Blitzer/George’s reaction and body language to each other.

George: “Blitzer, seriously, I thought that you let this go already!” >.<

To this, the young Charmander shrugged. “I don’t know, I just think it is odd. Her soup is the best.”

“Not to me it isn’t.”

“But how?”

[ ]


George gulped. “My tastebuds are just the way they are, that’s why. You have your own, right? Sometimes they agree with what you’re sticking into your mouth, and other times they don’t. This was one of the times that they didn’t.”

IMO, you’re missing a part dwelling on Blitzer’s mood here a bit. Like is he feeling confused? Genuinely upset/hurt? Like I gather the idea that George is getting the impression that he needs to weigh his words carefully, but it might have made sense to depict the context a bit more explicitly.

“But why? How could they?” Blitzer had now grabbed George by the arm with one claw, the underdeveloped nails on the end of each finger were now digging into George’s skin, much to the latter’s displeasure.

‘Damn, he really isn’t giving up on this, is he?’

George: “Blitzer, I literally just explained that they didn’t cooperate with my taste buds-!” >.<
Blitzer: “But it tasted just fine to me and mom and dad…”
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“Like I know, I’m not a cooking expert! All I know is that it felt funky, tasted salty, and wasn’t pleasant to eat, that’s all.”

Blitzer shook his head. “Well, clearly something isn’t right, then. No one dislikes my mom’s cooking, especially not her soup. That’s a meal fit for a hero!”

“Yeah, right on!” A voice spoke from the bushes.

George: “Um… hi there?”
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“Aah!” Blitzer jumped backwards, only to be startled further by a voice from the other side.

“Last part’s overselling it!”

George: “Wait, Blitzer, are these people you know, or-?”

“Wh-what’s going on?!” Blitzer cried out. A yellow tail shaped like a lightning bolt stuck out from the left side, followed by the tip of a large white object. From behind, some kind of magical activity bristled the fur on the back of George’s head, sort of like his body tried to communicate something in a language he couldn’t speak.

“Haha! You didn’t think we’d just let you leave like that, right?”

Junior came out of the bushes bearing a smug grin. Next to him was Corst, eyes as expressionless as the day prior. Behind them, Alcia hovered her way over the shrubbery, while the Buizel whose name George had not caught wind of walked onto the path, a face covered in crumbs from breakfast.

George: “Oh for crying out loud… Seriously?” >_>;

Though it might have made sense to give reminders of Corst and Alcia’s species here for the readers, since for a second, I was blanking on them.

“Wait, how’d you know?!” Blitzer asked.

Junior giggled. “Well, Alcia?”

“You might not know it, Blitzer, but I have the power to read minds! And when I saw you yesterday, it was written all over you: Tomorrow morning, I and George will be going out exploring!”

Well then, note to self: Psychic-types are particularly well-equipped to be snoops in this setting.

“Whaaat! You never told me!” Blitzer said, visibly exasperated.

The other children were all giggling at them without much to hide. It was written all over them, and George wasn’t having any of it.

“No you can’t! That’s nonsense!”

“Well, how’d ya be so sure of that?” asked the Buizel.

George folded his arms. “Alright. Where am I from?” he asked, his voice stern and clear.

Famous last words there. Since… yeah, I wouldn’t want to bet against the Psychic and her own accounting of her abilities.

[ ]


“Alright, alright, you got me,” Alcia said, chuckling all the while. George wasn’t impressed. It all was too obvious of a trick. Mind reading wasn’t a thing. Not at that early of an age, anyway. Even this world had to have some rules.

Wait, George has a conception of mind reading being possible? I wouldn’t have expected that one given that I thought that he hailed from a “real life”-style world. I do wonder if it’d have made sense to describe Alcia’s reaction to George calling out her fib, though.

All the while, Blitzer’s head was spinning. “But then how did you know?”

“How wouldn’t we know it is more like it!” Corst said. “You’d have to be stupid to believe you two weren’t up to anything. You got called away by some Tangrowth no one’s ever seen, then when you come back you’re all like ‘oh no, no big deal’ with the stiffest faces in the world!

[ ]

We weren’t born fifteen minutes ago, anyone could see you were hiding something, and it was probably exploring related, since you love exploring so much.” Corst walked up to Blitzer, and bonked him on the shoulder with a stick. “So no surprises here.”

Corst's line of dialogue is long enough that IMO it should be two separate paragraphs with something in between them. It might make sense to pull the stick bonk moment ahead there and just change its present location into a normal speech tag.

Blitzer sighed. “Alright, you got us. But could you please not tell anyone? It’s important.”

“Why not?” asked Corst. “You’re just going exploring, the whole village knows that’s what you like doing.”

George bit his lip. “It was in the message. We shouldn’t tell anyone where we’re going. That includes you, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag.”

Junior looked saddened at the ground. “Oh. That’s a shame. But if that’s how you’d prefer it, then sure, I have no problem with it. You’re both good in my book.”

I’m honestly surprised to hear that Junior is just accepting this explanation like this, since the village kids gave off a more antagonistic vibe the last time we saw them.

[ ]

“Hey, what’s a cat?” the Buizel asked. George’s hand flew up to the back of his head to scratch away an itch.

“Uh, I’ll tell you some other time, alright?”

“Is it a Pokemon up north?”

George nodded. “Yeah, something like that.” ‘Close one.’

Note to self: generic animal names don’t exist in this world. I do wonder if the Buizel should’ve had more of an obvious confused reaction before speaking up, though.

“You two shouldn’t worry,” Alcia said. “We’ll have your backs. That’s what friends do for each other, right?”

“Right!”

“Yeah, we wouldn’t tattletale on anybody, ever!” Junior proclaimed as if giving a speech. “Wherever you’re going, I hope you will enjoy yourselves. Maybe you’ll find some treasure, too!”

This is at once really endearing, and really, really cursed, since this sounds like a fantastic way for kids to wind up getting mauled to death by ferals in this setting by pulling “psst, keep it a secret” before going off into some Mystery Dungeon that they’re hopelessly out of their depth on.

“Why anyone would ask you two to go diving into a Mystery Dungeon for them, I don’t know. But I sure can’t complain! It’s about time something happened around here!” Corst said with closed eyes.

“You guys… thank you so much…” Blitzer whispered.

I see that in this setting, there’s a general expectation that kids should start their dungeoneering young. I can’t tell whether or not the average ferals are just that much weaker or else things are just that desperate that having children going about Mystery Dungeons where they can easily get hurt is normalized.

“After last week, you deserved this much,” Corst said. “I’m glad that you’ve changed.”

“H-have I?”

“Yes, you have.”

George watched as the Cubone grabbed Blitzer by the wrist. Blitzer’s eyes were full of disbelief. He had a miserable history with Corst, one whose scars were slowly healing. George felt much better watching it take place. It was good seeing them come together. They lived in a small world, one where you’d best get used to one another.

Okay, not that we didn’t get to see a glimpse of it in the last scene involving the village kids, but I wonder if Blitzer and Corst’s bad relationship should’ve been explored a bit more prior to this point, since this feels a bit “informed attribute” at the moment and kinda undercuts the impact of Blitzer and Corst making nice with each other.

After a few seconds, Corst let go, and Blitzer nodded.

“Again, thanks so much for coming here, guys. I really appreciate it. And… I want to say sorry again for everything. Goodbye for now, I guess… we should get going.”

“Goodbye, Blitzer and George! Best of luck out there, eh?” Junior said with a wave.

The others soon joined the Pikachu with waves of their own. The two nodded in approval, before setting out over the fields past the sign, glancing back to give a final nod before the two camps went separate ways. With the belief of the others at their backs, George and Blitzer felt ready for whatever was out there. It may might be scary, life-threatening even, but they’d always be wearing their determined smiles with pride in their hearts.

George:
laughter-worried.gif

“Actually, on second thought, was it really such a good idea to turn down help from-?”
Blitzer: “George, we’re supposed to go there alone.” >_>;

Chapter 13

Half an hour later, Blitzer and George stumbled upon an opening at the base of a large hill. They hadn’t encountered anything on the way there besides a handful of wild Pidove, which were easy to dispatch. Strong from the encouragement of the others, they gazed into the opening.

“So, this is it?” George asked Blitzer, who nodded back.

I personally feel like the mention of the journey being uneventful beyond the wild Pidove ought to have preceded the part where they actually arrived at the hill where the MD entrance was, since it feels a bit weird to talk about them getting to their destination, then the journey, and then the destination again in terms of sentence order.

“Should be. We did as we were told, didn’t we? North from the village, hidden from the sun. That’s what ‘eye of the Leo’ should mean. There’s the sign, right there. ‘Little Rock MD - keep out!’ Has to be it.”

That doesn’t look remotely ‘lion’-like to me, Blitzer, just saying.

George stared further down the bright descent. “Are you sure this is the place meant with ‘hidden from the eye of the Leo’? It sure looks bright for a cave.”

Blitzer shrugged. “Well, it’s worth a try, right? And if it’s not, we’ll try again some other time. Because heroes never give up. Right?”

“Right.” George nodded.

I’m going to be surprised if this one turns out to be the right location, since this just screams of it not being the right one here.

“Awesome!” Blitzer said with a tough smile. “It does look oddly bright in there. But you want to know what that means? We won’t have to rely on my flame just to see!”

He held up his tail with one claw. George chuckled back, drumming his belly in anticipation for what they’d find down there.

“You’re right. I’ve never told you, but that fire of yours doesn’t light anything up particularly well. Sorry if that comes off as rude, but-”

“Why would it be?” Blitzer asked with a shrug.

Well, I suppose that Blitzer’s bluntness and lack of mind for his words cuts both ways. I was actually expecting him to get annoyed here myself.

“Oh, well…” George scratched the top of his head. “I just thought that it couldn’t Can’t be nice to say that to a fire type and all. Might be like calling someone weak, saying that they don’t have powerful fire.”

IMO, it might make more sense for George to emphasize that this here was his assumption for how things would work instead of it just being how it is.

Blitzer reassured George with a nod. “You’re right, actually. But it’s not in the way you think. My fire is weak right now because I’m still young. But it’ll gets stronger as I get older. You’ll see.“

“Oh, okay.” George swallowed. ‘That almost went really badly.’

Yeah, seems to be kind of a trend for you given the whole soup episode last chapter, George. :V

“Alright then…” Blitzer stretched his arms out in front of him, the sound of his bones cracking as he prepared his claws powerful enough to make George step back. “...let’s do this!”

[ ] George breathed in deep.

Here goes nothing.”

It might make sense to have some combination of George and Blitzer size up the MD and have a bit of internal thought process before George says his line out loud, but that’s just me.

And so, with their hearts full of courage and their steps heavy, the two began their exploration of Little Rock. It was time to see whether the message’s promises of treasure held any water, or whether it was all hot air from someone out to prank them. Whatever intentions the sender had, the joke was on them; Blitzer and George were happy enough to have explored gone exploring at all. Another step up that ladder towards the life of their dreams; that was all the motivation they needed to enter worlds unknown.

The tunnel started on a downwards slope, before widening into a tunnel that two fully grown Pokemon could traverse side by side. Light emanated from torches attached to the wall, bright enough for the smallest pebbles to be seen. Despite their crackling, the torches bearing the flames never showed any signs of burning up. They emitted no smell, smoke, or much in the way of heat for that matter. They burned in perpetuity, casting their light over the walls of the cave in a lonely glory.

Huh. I wonder if this place was formed from an ancient fort or something, since that’s definitely not a natural formation there.

Sometime into the tunnel, George's feet began to ache from the pebbles and the cold stones underneath. While Blitzer happily marched on without worry, George found the stress of walking pressing deeper into his skin. If his feet were taste buds, the stone below would be have tasted like that morning’s soup.

Hrm. Given that these three paragraphs are effectively fast-forwarding in time and place, part of me wonders if somewhere in here that things should’ve been split off into a new scene to lean into the sense of cutting ahead time-wise.

“Blegh.”

“Something wrong, George?”

“It’s just my feet being feel cold. And lumpy. Maybe going in here barefoot wasn’t the best idea.” ‘They don’t have shoes here, do they?’

Yeah, another reminder that it probably makes sense to set apart the inner thoughts of the characters a bit more from the surrounding text, since originally I read the “shoes” remark as something that George said out loud.

“Huh? I’m feeling fine.” Blitzer lifted his feet off the ground to study them for a few seconds. Upon putting them back down, his teeth stuck out of his mouth in a smile. “Actually, I’m feeling great! You have to admit this is better than the dewy grass from Azure Hills, George. And why does it matter that you’re walking barefoot? What Pokemon doesn’t?”

George sighed. “I don’t know. That wasn’t nearly as bad on my feet.”

Ah yes, I see that typing affects what sensations Pokémon find nice or unpleasant in this setting, or at least I think that’s the implication.

“Well no, of course not. You’re of water, remember?” said Blitzer, pointing at the scalchop on George’s chest. “Of course you wouldn’t mind wet grass. That’s another way in which we’re different. Different kinds feel at home in other places.

[ ]

That’s why you enjoy bathing so much, while I hate it. Or why I like walking on stone, while you find it clumsy. Deep down, you want to feel water course through your fur, while I’d love to go hiking in the mountains!”

This is another paragraph where it likely makes sense to try and break it up and format it as two smaller ones with something in between.

George stared towards the Charmander with a raised eyebrow. “Thought I could handle stone. And grass is still grass, isn’t it?”

Blitzer bit his lip, slowly dragging his pupils across his eyes as if he were tracking something on the ceiling of the cave. “Well, it’s complicated. Very complicated, ha. I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you.”

George: “Actually, now that I think about it, shouldn’t you hate feeling stone, Blitzer? You have a type weakness to-”
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Blitzer: “Again, it’s complicated.” ^^;

“Sure thing,” George said.

Even after his halfhearted explanation, Blitzer was still preoccupied with the ceiling. Any and all attempts to try and handwave it away were betrayed outright by his body language, which didn’t do anything to bolster George’s confidence. Between his pupils, the odd way he held his arms, and him now falling silent, George had an inkling that Blitzer was seeing something he’d rather not be looking at.

‘Something doesn’t feel right. It was only a stupid question, why is he looking at the ceiling…? Wait, what is that smell?’

inb4 the ceiling is full of roosting Zubat overhead.

A musk of mushrooms and dusty fur emanated from above. George dreaded having to look up to see it for himself. The growing frown on Blitzer’s face told him to shirk back, to move on and forget the matter. But the smell marched further up his twitching nose, and down his throat, leaving a taint on everything it touched. It was alluring, irresistible to anyone who couldn’t look danger dead in the eye. And so, he looked.

“George, no-”

“SKREE!”

As if thunder had struck, a flock of bats awakened from their slumber and swarmed over the tunnel. One flew past George’s face with a piercing screech; George’s ears went flat as he fell backwards, the cold stone pressing into his fur with blunt force.

Yeah, I knew it. Though at least they’re smelling mushroom and not bat guano.

“Aaaah!”

“Geeeorge! Quic-, br- b-e!” Blitzer’s yells were buried under the screeching of the dozen Zubats and Woobats that swarmed around them like wasps.

It probably would make sense to swap the underlined with the “bats” earlier, since I didn’t even realize that there were Woobat present in this colony until just now.

“What?! I can’t hear you!” George yelled back.

The bats screeching and beating their wings drowned them out. Like a little flame having an ocean dumped over it. The shrieking echoed off the walls. George reached for his ears, only to suffer a stinging pain on his arm. He cried out, when the tides suddenly turned; the shrieking faltered to the sound of flames bursting from Blitzer’s mouth.

Suddenly getting flashbacks to the second chapter of Quenched Torch right about now, since… yeah, getting mobbed by bitey flying creatures making shrill noises while you’re half a meter tall sounds like the stuff of nightmares.
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‘That’s it!’

George pulled on the energy inside him. Water surged to his mouth and shot out in the blink of an eye, just as one Zubat flew past. The Pokemon was blasted backwards, straight into another [ ]. George closed his mouth from fatigue. A wing slid past the top of his head; his eyes snapped shut, but George forced them back open in time to see a Woobat fly past. George pulled on his energy and doused the attacker with half a second of water.

‘Argh, there are so many of them!’

Yeeeeah, you should probably break out some AOE moves, George. That or a Wonder Orb. Though it probably makes sense to be a bit more explicit about what happened to the Zubat that George hosed even if it’s something as simple as mentioning that they “tumbled out of sight” or something like that.

The volleys of water and fire kept up, and the swarm gradually thinned out. George spat in short bursts with varying degrees of accuracy. For every hit there was a miss, and there’d be another attempted strike on his body. Over time, his head started spinning, and his stomach began to ache. Water breathing was taking its toll on his body. And all the while the bats continued buzzing around, waiting for the moment where they could all converge upon George.

George got poisoned from that “stinging pain” earlier, didn’t he? Since this definitely sounds like poison catching up with him right now.

But George wasn’t alone, as a gust of flame whizzing past showed. Blitzer fought back with strong control over his fire. Many Zubats and Woobats lay spread over the ground, singed with twitchy wings. If any tried attacking still, Blitzer had his claws ready. It was thanks to him that the bats eventually fled. They were smart enough to not stick around on the losing side in a losing battle.

Once the last of the bats had disappeared, George sighed, as he rubbed at the ache in his head. The energy had been sucked out of his body from all the water spitting, and that lack of energy now left its mark. A sore throat, a pain in his belly, the headache, they had all flared up as the fight came to an end. George gasped, his feet asking for a reprieve which he was all too willing to give. The aquatic energy flowing through him demanded someone far stronger than George.

… Or George could just be running low on PP given that he just spat out a lot of attacks in rapid succession. I suppose that that would also cause fatigue symptoms even if I’m not quite sure if that was the intent.

I do wonder if there should be more explicit description of how George and Blitzer managed to cut down on the number of attacks that they took from the wild Pokémon, since if they were mobbed from all directions, you’d think that they’d have been roughed up a bit more. Did they pull a “retreat into a corridor and attack through a choke point” gambit like in the games or something?

“Phew… that has got to be the last of ‘em. Sorry for not warning you,” Blitzer said, sidestepping the knocked out bats like ordinary rocks.

Aside from slightly faster breathing, he looked no different than before the attack. Not a scale out of place.

That’s something to remember for the next cave: Don’t forget to watch the ceiling! Zubats and Woobats left right and center, eh? No Noibats though. Maybe they live deeper? Or not here at all? I wonder.”

This… is going to result in these two fighting a Noivern as an arc boss, isn’t it?
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George crawled up to a cave wall to rest his back. The aching had simmered down enough to not leave him vulnerable should another bat show up, but still it stung hard. The scratches on his arms were barely noticeable over the exhaustion and soreness, something not helped by that the cold hanging in the tunnel didn’t help.

”I’m just glad we got out of that alive… thank god.”

[ ]

“Uh, are you alright over there?” Blitzer asked.

‘Does it look like I’m alright?!’ George shook his head. “I’m tired.”

It might make sense to have Blitzer have more of a described reaction to George sitting and trying to catch his breath there, though I’m surprised that the ‘thank god’ didn’t move the needle at all for him. I wonder if the local religion is such that they have singular patron deities that they hail or something like that.

Blitzer tilted his head. “Oh, how come?”

George’s head rolled in one direction, then back in the other. ‘Like he needs me to answer that for him.’ “I breathed too much water.”

“Too much?” A flicker from Blitzer’s tail could be felt throughout the room. “What do you mean, too much? You should be able to breathe water to your hearts content, that’s in you!”

I take it that Blitzer must keep a healthy stock of Max Elixirs or something on him, since he seems to find the premise of PP depletion to be an alien concept here. Unless if George’s water shortage goes beyond that.

George shook his head. “Apparently not… I spat as much as I could,” he said, pointing at the puddles scattered over the ground. “And I must’ve gone too far, because it really began to hurt after a while. If we hadn’t chased ‘em off right then, I don’t think I would’ve lasted for much longer.”

Blitzer licked his lips while looking at the ceiling again. “Huh. That’s odd… I haven’t felt like that in a long time. I’m not kidding, I could probably breathe fire for an hour before feeling that exhausted.

I wonder if that’s a function of greater combat experience than George or something, since you’d think that Blitzer spewing Embers left and right would wear him out just as quickly.

“Are you sure?” George asked. ‘I’d like to not be defenceless against anything that can take a little water.’

“Maybe you just need some more time with it,“ said Blitzer with a nod. “You’ve only just started, after all… hold on a second.”

Whelp, looks like the “greater experience” angle is confirmed. Though I suppose that it makes sense since George is still getting used to this new body of his, so he logically wouldn’t be guaranteed to be fighting at the same level as a normal Oshawott.

“Well I-”

Before George could finish, Blitzer shot a glob of fire from his mouth, which crashed into the ceiling not far from where the Oshawott sat. A Paras fell from that spot with a weak screech. George watched it fall, then jumped as he felt a tap on his head. A mushroom rolled on the ground beside him. Frowning, George rose back to his feet.

“Sorry about that, heh.”

George:
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“...like I was saying, hope it happens soon.” George pressed his lips shut. ‘Great. Sure hope the end of this place isn’t far off..’

Narrator:
bender-laughing.gif


Venturing deeper into the cave, the two found themselves at odds with other feral Pokemon. Nothing on the scale of the swarm from earlier, fortunately - the two encountered the occasional bats or Geodudes, some Roggenrola and a lost Drilbur as well. The encounters were short lived, as George and Blitzer now anticipated foes around every corner. The echoes of rocks being smashed in the distance had put kept them on edge. In addition All the while, George was had been healing from the struggle earlier, and the receding pain made him unafraid to use his energy again.

Some odds and ends suggestions for how to rephrase things a bit more smoothly. Part of me feels like the mention of the rocks being smashed in the distance ought to have come earlier on in the paragraph, but I was drawing blanks on recommendations of where to move it.

“Boy, am I glad to have you here with me, George,” Blitzer remarked, smiling.

“Tell me about it. Whole bunch of rocks and groundlings in this cave,” George replied, keeping his eyes peeled for threats in the distance.

I’m actually surprised that it’s George that’s using this terminology here given that he’s the outsider to this world. It feels like the sort of term that an inhabitant of this world would use as opposed to an isekaied human.

[ ]

“Earthlings scare me,” Blitzer said, arms crossed over his chest. “Rocks, ground, mud, it’s everywhere and they use it to attack. If I’m not careful, one could just sneak up on me, just like that!” He snapped his fingers and pointed at his face. George had but a shrug to give.

Wait, Groundlings or Earthlings? Since I assumed that George picked up the term from Blitzer or someone else around Greenfield and it feels a bit weird for them to use different terms for the same concept in rapid succession from one another.

“It can’t be that bad, can it?”

Aaaaaand George just jinxed them.

Blitzer shook his head back and forth, letting his breath sizzle in between his teeth. “Oh yes it is can. You’re water, you wouldn’t know, but I’ve had moments before. There’s some Drilburs that live near Greenfield, and they hurt me pretty bad a few times.”

George turned his head. [ ]

Why did they attack you? Were you on your own, did they see you as an easy target? Do wild Pokémon tend to be out for blood? …Were they even wild?“

I think that it might make sense to show more of George’s internal thoughts or reaction to Blitzer here, especially if Blitzer is starting to get him worried about what they’re going to be dealing with.

Blitzer began twiddling his fingers around. “Well, ehrm,” he blurted out through his puffed cheeks, “Feral Pokemon are generally dangerous. Depends on the Pokemon of course, but still. Six year old me did not believe my parents when they told me that, and well, I thought it would be fun to stomp on Drilbur hills, haha…”

His Blitzer’s voice fizzled out. If not for his scales, his orange face would’ve been redder than a cherry. The tone of his voice revealed enough. George rolled his eyes as the corners of his mouth pulled upwards.

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I see that Blitzer had that reckless streak of his even when he was little.

‘Yeah, that’s something you would do alright, Blitzer. Then again, I can’t say I blame him. Some dangerous fun, that’s what all kids want to experience at some point, right?’

“Aah, that wasn’t one of my proudest moments,” said Blitzer, eyes drawn back to the path ahead. “But it’s one to remember. Although, it’s not entirely a fun memory. I’ve had an, uh, an aversion to Drilbur since then.”

Cue the incoming Drilbur fight in 3… 2…

“Aversion? How so?” asked George, one hand over his scalchop. Blitzer swallowed before responding. George could sense the fear in the air and frowned. ‘This isn’t going to be good news, is it?’

“Well, have you ever had nightmares in which you were attacked?” Blitzer asked. George nodded back. “Okay. Now imagine being in the middle of a dark place, when suddenly a bunch of things jump out of the ground to attack you.”

I take it that Blitzer would not be fond of being jump scared at night given that war story. I wonder if he’d have been as gung-ho about going into this cave if it wasn’t one that was unnaturally well-lit.

George pictured the scene in front of him: Total darkness on all sides, as if the room had been smothered in tar. Suddenly, shrieks filled the air as the earth split open on all sides. A sharp claw flew at his face; a chill shot up through his back. George smacked himself in the face. “Okay, I’ve heard enough.”

“Yeah…” Blitzer hung his head. “It’s not fun. Not at all. You’re shivering now, but it’s worse when you’re dreaming.”

I actually wonder if George should make some comparison between this imagined hypothetical and the bat swarming that they just had a bit earlier. Since you’d think that that was a fairly stressful experience, so him taking that premise and going “and now you can’t see anything” would get him nice and intimidated.

With a deep breath, George sped up his strides. “Let’s keep going. We should be pretty deep by now.”

[ ]

“Do you think the treasure is nearby?” asked Blitzer. George shrugged at him, his tail falling flat onto the ground.

“I’m not sure, but I haven’t seen any other paths through here. Have you?”

Blitzer shrugged. “I might have, but it was too dark to see anything.”

IMO, the bit in brackets feels like it’d benefit from some added description of George and/or Blitzer moving along. Though I’m a bit surprised that Blitzer is mentioning that things are too dark to see anything since we had an earlier mention that this place was lit up by torches.

“Too dark? What do you mean, too dark? There’s plenty of torchlight everywhere, right?” George said, looking behind him as the path took a turn.

“Yeah,” Blitzer replied with a nod. His tail bounced around the back of his head, getting close enough to the head to make George cringe. “But didn’t you notice the gaps in the torches? I could’ve sworn this cave branches off in multiple directions. What Mystery Dungeon just goes straight?”

Oh, well that’s totally normal and not worrisome at all there.
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George raised his shoulders. “This one? I don’t know.”.

“That makes no sense,” said Blitzer as he seized his tail in one hand and pulled it out in front of him. “No dungeon does that. There’s always more to it.

[ ]

What I’m going to say might be a bunch of nonsense, but… don’t you get the idea that we’re being led somewhere?”

Blitzer’s last 1-2 sentences feel like they would work better coming after some sort of pause to give the sense of time passing since it feels as if this were animated that there’d be something there before Blitzer speaks up again.

Though yeah, I suppose that this MD run has been a bit convenient, even if I wonder who would be capable of manipulating the dungeon such that its normal layout would change.

“...What do you mean?” George replied. As much as he wished it wasn’t the case, something about the concept did not sit right with him. He took his scalchop off his chest, fidgeting it around between his fingers. The cave walls nearby rumbled.

“Isn’t it strange that there’s torches conveniently placed on the walls, and that they don’t burn out? It’s like they have the energy to keep the fire for as long as possible, like I do. Only Pokemon have that energy.”

Hm, meaning that they’re being maintained by a Pokémon right now? Though I wonder what sort of Pokémon would have the ability to maintain that many torches at once from a distance. Also:

George:
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Blitzer: “Okay, not that that isn’t an appropriate gif right now, but we should probably cool it on reusing memes in a single review.”
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George licked his lips. “But couldn’t it be something from the Mystery Dungeon? They shift around and change constantly, isn’t there some kind of energy flowing through here as well?” he asked, hoping for some reassurance.

The walls next to them both rumbled once again, this time a little louder than before. Blitzer’s attention briefly shifted to the wall, before he sighed.

“Maybe there is. But it’s too strange for me.” The Charmander breathed in, then out. “What’s happening with the walls?”

IMO, Blitzer’s line works better coming right after the walls rumble. It might make sense to divide up his present line of dialogue and pull the “Maybe there is [...]” part forward prior to the rumble and keep the rest afterwards.

Another rumble sped past them as Blitzer finished speaking. Startled, the Charmander ran over to George’s side, anxiously eyeing at the walls. Aside from the sound of their feet shifting, the caves were silent. Not an echo or crunch to be heard. George’s eyes darted over the area, looking for threats that were nowhere to be seen. His fur heated up from the nerves and the flaring from Blitzer’s tail, forcing his breaths out of his body rapidly. This was not imaginations running wild.

“What was that…?”

“I wish I knew, George…”

Ah yes, things are going well™ for these two at the moment, I see.

Blitzer’s teeth chattered. The two crept their way deeper into the cave, unable to keep their eyes off the walls for long. Something had to have been close. Something out of a nightmare. The two kept a hand on each other’s back, out of fear that they’d lose each other in an explosion of chaos. Not a word had to be spoken for them to understand the other; instinct thrived where primal fear ruled.

I’m not really sure if the bit in underlined really follows from the bit about George and Blitzer understanding each other in spite of not speaking to each other. It might make sense to say something to the effect of “instinct got the point across well enough” or something like that.

Slowly, the rumbling seemed to cease, although neither believed it. George was at least willing to take his hand off Blitzer’s back, but the same did not happen in reverse. Blitzer’s pupils were dilated out to the edges of his irises, and the claw on George’s back shook. It kept George uncomfortable, looking for a way to relieve the tension. And perhaps there might have been a way up ahead.

“Blitzer, look! Right there! I think that’s it!”

Aw, you tease. Cliffhangering at the very end. Though I just realized that this was the “unlucky number” chapter, which surely only portends good things™ about whatever just ran into these two.
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Whelp, something to look forward to for next time.

Alright, and made it to the end. IMO, these chapters kinda have similar strengths and weaknesses, so for my summary I’ll be covering them as a collective.

To start with the strengths, but I thought that the main draw of these two chapters beyond moving George and Blitzer closer by degrees to their grand adventure that will presumably take them way, way outside of Greenfield in short order was the focus on the characters and their personalities. It feels like we got to see nuances about the characters that were pretty new, such as the village kids putting their gripes with Blitzer behind them to come and cheer on George and Blitzer, along with the little bits about George and Blitzer’s backstories that came to the fore. I also thought that the worldbuilding that you incorporated was pretty fun. The bit about Nera’s soup tasting awful felt like a fun exploration of George’s bodily dysphoria in his relatively new Oshawott body, and the bit where George winds up getting winded from spamming Water Gun in the bat ambush felt like a nice adaptation of game mechanics into something a bit less abstract.

In terms of criticisms, my number one bone that I had to pick was that I felt like that you were a bit light on description. Like I get that part of that is a difference in narrative ethoses and a meta goal to keep these chapters short and digestible, but I do wonder if you had moments that you left on the table to either make certain characters’ reactions more visualizable or else get into their heads a bit more. There were also a couple points where I felt that you transitioned abruptly in focus from one character to the other, which is something to keep in mind for an omniscient perspective story like this one where you’re functionally managing a “camera” for showing stuff off to the readers. There were also a couple paragraphs that I felt worked better as two or three smaller ones, which was especially noticeable for longer dialogue sequences that felt like a bit too much was being said in one breath.

While it wasn’t too widespread, I also noticed a couple parts that felt a bit “tell and not show” for my tastes, especially Corst and Blitzer’s improvement in their relationship. Like we got to see that relationship when it was at a lower point, but it didn’t really feel like we got to see enough of a buildup to the point where their mending fences here felt earned.

But altogether, I thought that these were pretty fun chapters. A bit lower-boil, but with that cliffhanger at the end, that peace and calm might end in the first couple paragraphs of Chapter 14. Something for me to look forward to as I round out that batch of chapters I took on for Diner’s review tag, I suppose.

Though hope the feedback was helpful @Gyeig . I know that you’ve been uneasy at times over this version of your story not getting attention consistently, but for what it’s worth, I’ve been having fun with it, and hope to get a bit deeper into this story here in the future. ^^
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, ran a little late for this one, but I’m here to knock a couple birds out with one stone for a double-feature to close out a pair of Review Tags I’ve built up on this story:

Chapter 14

It was like stumbling into a treasure trove, minus the piles of gold and precious metals. A crude earthen pedestal stood in the centre of a circular cavern stood a crude earth pedestal. An object rested on top of it, covered up by a cloth.

George pulled Blitzer’s arm with him, to the latter’s annoyance. “I still hear it,” the Charmander muttered, hyperventilating from noises rumbling in the walls. Whatever it was, George wasn’t about to let it stop them, and dragged Blitzer into the chamber.

I wasn’t aware that there were noises coming through the walls right now. It would probably make sense to reiterate that in the opening paragraph, especially if George himself is also cognizant of those noises.

“This is what we’re here for, Blitzer. Look at this.”

The Oshawott ran up to the pedestal. Despite it being twice his height, he didn’t have to break a sweat to reach its peak: Narrow steps at the base of the pedestal gave him a way up, similarly shaped from the earth. What caught him off guard was the smell. For reasons unknown, the earthy smell coming off the pedestal was far stronger than the regular atmosphere in the cave. It was as if it hadn’t had been created until just a short while ago.

Just saying, I remember Blitzer’s story about his run-in with those Drilbur last chapter, and this sounds awfully consistent with what one would expect from a fight with a Drilbur or Excadrill that’s right about to happen.

In spite of this, George wasn’t about to let himself be stopped. He jumped up the steps, putting his hand on the pedestal. On a closer look, the white cloth covering the treasure was nothing spectacular. In fact, it was less of a cloth and more of a rag some bum had been wearing. George grimaced at the filthy lop. Evidently, whoever had left the treasure here wasn’t very fond of it. Or perhaps there was no treasure, and it indeed had been a trick after all. George rubbed his hands together, glanced at the still distracted Blitzer, then turned back.

Um, George? Given that your friend is the one who knows a lot more about this world that you’re a complete stranger to, you probably don’t want to be blowing him off like this. ^^;

‘Only one way to find out what’s under here.’

“George, I don’t like the sound of this.”

Yeah, this is totally going to be a Drilbur fight, isn’t it?

With a deep breath, he tossed the rag aside. On the way to this place, all sorts of objects came to mind when thinking about what they would find down here. Gold in all shapes and sizes, beautiful gemstones or minerals, fancy trinkets or clothing, even weapons like swords encrusted with beautifully cut diamonds.

But what he wasn’t expecting was a piece of a flute. Which was just what he found.

“...This is the treasure? Huh.”

I’m not really feeling the underlined sentences, I think that it’s the second one in particular that kinda throws it off. Consider rephrasing it as something like “But none of those riches were there. Instead, all there was to show of this ‘treasure’ was a piece of a flute.” or something like that, potentially with a bit more description to show off what this flute piece might look like.

“Hey, George? You might want to come down here. Please...”

George twirled the piece around in his hand. The flute had an azure colour, and was made out of metal, which shone bright in the light. The tone holes were dust free, and the flute’s seemed to have been left in a broken state seemed to have been by design, as some sort of locking mechanism was present on both sides of the piece. What struck him as odd was Though why the flute had been broken apart to begin with. And if this was one piece, then where were the rest?

An azure flute, huh? I wonder if it has the same function as the one that we all know and love from the mainline games.

Also, yeah I can already tell that George is going to regret not paying attention to Blitzer in about five seconds.

But he didn’t have long to wonder about it further. A wave of rumbling crept in from the lone way into the treasure chamber. Blitzer staggered back as a gasp escaped his throat, his tail flaring and flickering with the strength of a furnace.

George!! Get down here, hurry! I know what this sound is!”

Honestly, at this rate, I’m going to be more surprised if it isn’t a Drilbur making this racket.

A startled George almost dropped the flute piece out of his hand. He quickly stuffed it in the folds of his scarf once he had gotten a grip of it, then ran back down the steps in a hurry.

“Wh-what’s the matter?”

Blitzer let out a sharp whine. “I-it’s them… they’re here!!”

George: “Wait, ‘them’? Blitzer, just saying, it’d be really helpful if you could just stop and explain what’s-”

The rumbling rose to a fever pitch, as the ground before the two split open. Like creatures from the dark, out rose three sets of claws, shining and sharp like knives. With an angry shout, the three Pokemon jumped out of the holes with their claws drawn out, a manic glint in their eyes.

D-Drilbur!!”

Yeah, I knew it, though that Drilbur encounter back when Blitzer was six must’ve been a lot worse than he let on for him to be panicking this hard.

Crying bloody out in horror, Blitzer breathed a wave of fire out. George yelped from a white hot scratch on his feet: The flames vaguely flew at the Drilbur, a few sputters flying off sideways to where George was standing. The attacking Drilbur screeched back, spreading their knife-like fingers and burrowing back into the earth. The ground betrayed where they were; they hadn’t gone deep.

G-George! We need to get out of here!!” Blitzer said, his breaths having disintegrated into rasped gasping. [ ] George watched as three trails zigzagged across the dirt, one headed straight for him.

Okay, so not that this isn’t a really fast-paced moment where short and sweet is better than stopping and describing every last bit of detail, but I do think that you are missing a step from the narration describing Blitzer panickily describing that they need to get out of dodge to George noticing “oh, they’re coming for us”, even if it’s as simple as him turning his head or getting a bit tense.

“I don’t think running is an option!” George yelled.

just as The ground in front of his George’s feet suddenly opened up. A reflex kicked in, and he jumped back; two claws went past his chest and right arm, knocking some hairs loose. George threw his hand in front of him, only striking empty air. The Drilbur had gone back under and buzzed around him like a hornet. George backed away; shots of fire and an audible struggle sounded not far, when pain jolted up his feet.

Reminder that you have three separate Drilbur zipping around right now. While Pokémon’s official media doesn’t really help with no distinguishing between singular and plural forms for Pokémon canonically, it might make sense to emphasize whether or not this is the Drilbur that just attacked George or the other two.

“Argh!” ‘The steps!’

Wait, ‘the steps’? But we had no indication of George looking off or even thinking about heading towards steps up to this point. It probably makes sense to drop in a sentence or two having him notice them or something before it enters his thought process.

The earth next to him broke apart. With a gale-like force, the Drilbur struck George across the chest, almost cleaving his scalchop in two. George responded by blasting the Drilbur with water. It yelped and scurried away, its head poking out of the ground as it frantically clawed back up the tunnel. George held his fists out, sternly looking at his surroundings.

‘Where’s are the others?’

inb4 they’re chasing Blitzer around as he’s busy screaming bloody murder.

Fire roared behind George; he whipped around in time to see Blitzer with his back turned, desperately trying to chase off the Drilbur with his breath. He took a deep gasp between each breath, each hoarser than the one before. The Drilburs shrugged off the heat. Even in the narrow tunnels they dug, the scorching fire meant little in the heat of the fight. They were resilient, and Blitzer was not. One of the Drilbur had broken loose from Blitzer’s panicking eyes, and had circled around to his back.

“Blitzer!! Behind you!”

Blitzer: “Okay, so in retrospect, we should’ve really, really packed an Escape Orb before we came out to this place.”
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The Charmander’s head flicked back and caught several dirt spatters. [ ]

AAAH!”

screamed Blitzer screamed as three claws struck him on the arm. He fell over backwards into the pedestal, crying out as he landed onto his back. “AUW! AAAUW! AAAAUW!”

I feel like there’s something missing in between the “dirt spatters” and Blitzer screaming. If you don’t feel like dropping in an entirely new sentence, you could always pull him getting struck by the claws prior to the scream, and then turn the rest into something like “Blitzer screamed and fell backwards [...]” or something like that.

Seizing the moment, both of the Drilbur leapt at him. George immediately pulled on the energy in his body, spitting out a blast of water at the attackers as they were about to land on Blitzer. [ ]

“Aaaaaaaaaaahh…!”

The water blew the two Drilbur were blown back; one hit its head on the wall and passed out, the other one yelped and vanished. George closed his mouth to a sizzling sound, with pain squeezing his stomach and throat in its grip as it had done moments prior. Coughing, he waddled over to Blitzer, who squirmed on the floor.

This is another part where you seem to cut ahead from a part that would otherwise move the focus to a character a bit more explicitly, in this case showing off Blitzer’s reaction to the Drilbur that are about to pounce on him.

“Blitzer, Blitzer, are you okay?!”

Blitzer: “Gee, I just had to relive a giant childhood trauma of mine, so what do you think?!”
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Tears streamed down the Charmander’s face. [ ]

I got Y-You hit me with water…” he said, pointing at his belly. [ ] George, realising how he’d spat out the water, shook Blitzer back and forth.

“I’m sorry! They were about to jump on top of you, I had to do something!”

This feels like another spot where we’re skipping a couple steps, both in Blitzer reacting a bit more obviously hurt and in George having more of an “... oh, oops” reaction to realizing that he hit Blitzer as collateral.

“Not your fault, we need to get out of here, aaah…”

Blitzer groaned as he pulled himself up against the pedestal, which had lost its rectangular shape. George’s eyes widened; some scales on Blitzer’s back had been dented or knocked loose, from the middle down to the base of his tail. [ ]

“Can you walk?”

IMO, this moment would likely work a bit better if we dwelled on George’s reaction to how hurt Blitzer was a bit more. Like is he surprised at how badly he hurt him when from his perspective, he probably didn’t even try all that hard to attack?

“Y-yes, just give me a moment, aaah…” Blitzer grimaced. “We need to get out of here, George- Ah!”

[ ]

“Don’t worry, we’re going to make it out of here, Blitzer, I promise…”

Another spot where it feels like it would be nice to be able to glimpse a bit into what’s going on inside of George’s head.

But the truth was that George had no idea. The hole the two had slipped into was deep. Very deep. The road leading back to the mouth of the cave was bound to have filled back up with feral Pokemon left right and center, and the odds weren’t in their favour this time. With Blitzer struggling to stand up on his feet, let alone walk on them, and George’s aching throat, it would take nothing short of a miracle for them to make it out.

Or an Escape Orb, but you two kinda went charging in without one, so…
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“Nrrgh…”

Blitzer gritted his small, undeveloped teeth as he took his first steps out of the treasure chamber. George kept a hand on his back to try and support him, his other hand going back and forth between his scalchop and the flute piece stuffed in his scarf. Even if it was any ordinary flute, neither of them had gotten this far just to stumble over the hurdles. They had to get out, Drilbur, bats and other creatures of the dark be damned.

They’re going to need to be bailed out by Hein or someone else who’s been shadowing them all this time, huh? Since… uh… yeah, it’s a bit hard for me to see how they’re going to backtrack all the way through the dungeon like this myself.

“Easy, easy now, see, you can do it.” George moved at Blitzer’s pace, keeping his tail close by lest a Drilbur sneak up on him. ‘So far, so good, come on…’

All the while, Blitzer remained in a tense, shocked state. His eyes were darting around whenever they weren’t pressed shut with each step he took.

No Drilbur, nrgh, Please no Drilbur, argh, No more, ahh.”


Once they had gotten out of the treasure chamber, Blitzer put a claw of his own on George’s back, and tried smiling at him, for as much as it was possible to smile, anyway. A rumble sounded in the distance.

Blitzer:
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George: “Blitzer, get ahold of yourself and keep moving!” O_O;

“As long as we keep going, right? Argh.”

“Yes, until we’re out of this hellhole.”

[ ]

“Hellhole? Is that, ah, another human thing I’m, arghh, not smart enough to aaahh… to understand?”

[ ]


“Just imagine a pit with a thousand Drilbur in it, and you’ll have a good idea.”

“Don’t think I need to nrgghh, need to imagine.”

These two parts feel like spots where it might make sense to show off Blitzer and George’s reactions a bit more, especially if George is still being paranoid about outing that he’s human or else if he’s too tired and worn-down to really care right now.

As if he’d ordered something at a restaurant, in came two of the killer moles from behind. George jumped around. [ ]

Here they come,” he said, hands clenched into his fists.

While Blitzer worked his way into a halfway decent fighting stance, George’s right hand was oddly drawn to his scalchop. An Oshawott’s weapon, which he had no experience with. He quickly pulled his hand up. ‘What am I doing? It’s broken!’

I’m honestly surprised that given his reaction earlier about how much he was dreading encountering more Drilbur that Blitzer isn’t panicking more or else more dependent on George right now to keep his nerve.

“Steady, steady…”

“Here comes!”

The two Drilbur leapt out of the ground, claws spread wide. Blitzer breathed in deep, letting his tail flare up before unleashing his fire. The Drilbur shielded their faces, unable to advance. Alas, the energy Blitzer put into his fire came at the expense of the little grip his feet had on the ground. Seeing this, George threw his arms around the Charmander’s chest, his own wellbeing be damned. His face pressed against orange scales, he left fate to the hand of whatever gods reigned in this world, no matter how many flames he’d catch or accidental scratches he’d sustain.

Ah yes, it’s George’s turn to be collateral damage while fighting, I see. At least he’s got a type resistance which will hopefully make this hurt a bit less.

After half a minute, Blitzer shut his mouth. The two Drilbur were long gone. Relieved, he panted and nudged George to get him to make some distance. George did just as Blitzer wanted, taking a step backward and wiping his face down with both his hands. ‘Scales are weird.’

Wait, they didn’t hear or sense anything during these 30 seconds? Like no pained Drilbur screeching or rumbling that grew fainter and fainter or something like that?

“Okay, we’ve still got this, still got a chance,” Blitzer muttered.

“How do you feel?” George asked again, even though the answer was self explanatory.

“A little better. At least I’m not completely helpless.” Blitzer let his arms hang. “We should keep going.”

I’m not sure if the commas were typos or intended to communicate a pause in speaking. If it was the latter, consider playing around with hyphens or ellipses to evoke abrupt cuts in speaking or trailing off.

[ ]

“If we keep this up, we’ll get out of here,” George said, then stepped in to support Blitzer’s steps.

“We’re making, aghh, we’re making it out here alright… nggrh! Heroes never give up…”

This feels like another moment where some description or internal commentary from one of the characters would probably be welcome.

The two struggled their way up the torchlit tunnel. Blitzer’s steps were improving slowly, as he learned to bite his way through the burning pain shooting up his spine, yet he still limped. This struggle didn’t sit well with George. How long would it take before he’d heal from his injuries? Days? Weeks?

Maybe the speed at which his own throat was healing was a bright light at the end of the tunnel, but that was just one light in an ocean. It could be worse than anything either of them had experienced thus far. Perhaps [BWhat if[/B] the injury had left its mark, and was bad enough that Blitzer wouldn’t walk properly ever again? George gulped. Pokemon might have been magical creatures, but even they couldn’t be safe from the bitter pill of reality forever.

I take it that the underlined is going to be a bit of a recurring trend in this story, huh? Since even prior to this point, George or Blitzer having unrealistic expectations and then colliding into a brick wall seems to be a bit of a recurring trend.

“Nrgghhh…”

[ ]


“It’s okay, just keep going.”

[ ]


“Argh, heroes don’t give up, ever, agh.”

[ ]


“We have to be halfway across now. Just a little more and we’re out.” ‘I wish’.

“As long as there won’t be any Drilbur, ahh… Then we’ll, then we’ll be aghh, okay…”

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to stop and describe things a bit more, since this feels like it’d be a really visceral and tense moment, except there’s not a lot of imagery or else internal panicking from the characters’ perspective to hammer it home as much as it could be.

[ ]

“I think I hear something.”

[ ]


“No…”

An enormous rumbling sound emerged from the way they came. George’s blood ran cold; he couldn’t put another foot forward anymore. Through his hand, he could feel Blitzer’s body cool down and shiver. This was no ordinary Drilbur. It couldn’t have been. Not even three Drilbur had given him this sense of dread, this feeling of being surrounded and crushed into little bits.

More spots where IMO some added description is in order. For the middle bit in particular, it might make sense to pull forward some of the earlier sentences from your present last paragraph here, since “realize the rumbling’s back and much worse” and then Blitzer panicking feels like it’d be a pretty natural flow of events.

“Blitzer, I don’t like this…”

M-Me neither… I think I know what this is…!”

“What is it? Before it gets here!”

As Blitzer opened his mouth to speak, the trail surged to a mere ten steps away from them. There, the attacker revealed itself at last; with a cry fierce enough to shake the earth, it rose from the ground with its claws spread out wide. Bearing an iron helmet on its head and blood red stripes on its chest, waving its sword-like claws in the air with a high pitched roar, the creature struck terror into Blitzer’s heart.

Blitzer:
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George: “Blitzer, what the hell is that thing?!”
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“E-EXCADRILL!!”

Blitzer: “Okay, yeah, I really, really should have brought an Escape Orb with us.”
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Blitzer almost immediately stumbled over backwards, yelping in pain as he did. The fear in him had made him try to bolt out away, overruling the searing pain of his injuries begging him not to. The tears resumed as he hit the ground, as he clawed his way up the passage in a vain attempt to escape. Now shaking as well, George’s attention dashed all over the place. The monster from below took the first step towards them, its claws glistering in the light. George couldn’t reach the energy in his body. He tried, he desperately tried to douse the beast with all that he had, but it was hopeless. He couldn’t do it.

B-Blitzer…!”

George: “I don’t suppose that Hein has a habit of stalking people from around town? Since… uh… yeah, we could really use some help right now.”
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As the Excadrill closed the distance, its mouth spread open with the most unsettling grin George had ever seen. Its eyes were staring right through him with the force of a bullet. Whatever went was going on inside of the head of that creature, only a madman could guess. All George knew is that the smile widened with every step, and the claws spread further open, and that he and Blitzer were completely helpless. He shut his eyes.

Close to the edge, an explosion ripped through the caves. George and the Excadrill were knocked off their feet. George rolled onto his back to find the torches on the Excadrill’s side had gone out. He backed away, dragging his tail across the floor. A sharp cracking sound came from deeper within. In the new dark, the vague outline of the Excadrill could be seen confused, then panicking, then screaming, before it vanished as if the ground had opened up to devour it whole.

That makes me wonder if ferals in this setting have sapience after all, since that sense of malicious satisfaction on that Excadrill’s face wasn’t something I was quite expecting from an allegedly mindless entity.

Though time to see our mystery Fissure user in 3… 2…

“Wh-what was that?!”

“Argh, I don’t know!”

George’s heart was beating against the walls of his chest. Deep in the void, two azure eyes stared back. Immediately, George understood. Azure. The treasure.

George: “Oh great, like we didn’t already have enough problems in this dungeon.”
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“B-Blitzer!! Run!”

“How?!”

“No time to think, just run!!”

And then Blitzer and George were overtaken by Mr. Azure Eyes and died painfully and horribly-

Narrator: “There’s another 80 chapters of this story past this point.”

Or not, let’s see how on earth these two get out of this jam, since… uh… they’re in quite a doozy of one right now. ^^;

Chapter 15

“There it is! A little further, Blitzer!”

Light shone in down from above, as if Arceus itself had come to bless them. The two valiantly struggled up the final slope, groaning as the adrenaline came close to running out, and their feet were on the verge of giving up. Yet tired as they were, to give up meant to subject themselves to the vivid horrors they imagined in their heads.

I mean, is it really just in their heads? Since those two got pretty chewed-up just last chapter, just saying.

The caves were empty on the way back, despite the infestation of bats that had greeted them on the way in. With what little energy he had left, and with Blitzer limping along with him, George couldn’t help but smirk a little.

‘Talk about expectations subverted… Just hang in there, Blitzer!’

I’m not really sure if this is a situation where it makes sense to “smirk”, since you’d think that this would be more of an “exhausted relief” situation that a smirk feels a bit out of place given that both of these two have been hurt and through a grueling and stressful experience in the Mystery Dungeon they’re coming out of.

With loud heaving, ragged gasping, and gritted teeth, George and Blitzer stumbled out of the cave and into the sunlight, elated as the stone under their feet turned to grass.

“We’re out… we’re out!” George cheered, his voice shaking as let himself fall over. He thrashed his limbs around, revelling in the funny sensation of having all the little blades of grass and clovers twirl around his body.

George: “Come on, Blitzer! The grass feels great!” ^^;
Blitzer: “George, my back is in agony right now…”
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Blitzer dropped onto the plains with a heavy sigh. “I thought I wasn’t going to make it…” he whimpered in between pants, trying to keep his tail from sparking up the grass. He felt beside him until he found a tuft of George’s light blue fur. “T-that was, the s-scariest thing I’ve- I’ve ever seen…”

George rolled onto his side, then reached out to the Charmander. “It’s okay, we’re safe now.

Aaaaaaand George just jinxed it, smooth going there.

“I never, never want to see another Drilbur, ever again, ever.”

Excadrill: “But you do want to see Excadrill, right-?”
Blitzer: “AAAAAHNOGOAWAYGOAWAY!”
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George: “... Aren’t you supposed to be at the bottom of a Fissure right now?”
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Blitzer’s breathing slowly returned to a healthy rhythm. Despite everything, he wore a slight smile on his face. George drummed his belly in a lazy rhythm. Treasure or no treasure, brave or cowardly, it didn’t matter. They were safe. They were safe. That thought alone kept them smiling. As long as they had each other, everything was going to be alright.

You see, George. You’d think that, but with how often and how much you’re repeating this “we’re safe” thought, it’s starting to get me thinking that you’re really, really not right now.
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“How are you feeling, Blitzer?”

[ ]


“All I want to do is sleep in my bed. My legs hurt, and my back does too.”

[ ]


“Can you still walk?”

“Yes, just give a moment. I want to rest a little.” Blitzer rolled onto his back, his lower back coming to rest on a dewy piece of grass. His tail dipped downwards, scorching a portion of grass black in the process. “Ah, that hits the spot.”

There’s a couple spots here where I think that it makes sense to take some time to show off Blitzer and George’s reactions and thought process off a bit more, since I feel as if this were rendered in a comic or an animation, there’d be something in those two parts, so it might make sense to similarly put something here even if it’s just a couple sentences apiece.

George sat upright, putting a little pressure onto his tail. “As long as you’re okay,” he said, twirling his ears back and forth. “I didn’t come all the way out here just to lose you. I’d never forgive myself.

Okay, not that this doesn’t feel appropriate as a sentiment for George to have given that Blitzer’s been his closest friend for the past two-ish weeks, I do wonder if the sentiment he expresses here should’ve been played up a bit more as part of his thought process prior to this point.

Blitzer spread his arms and legs over the grass, much like a star in the night sky. “What about you, George? Are you feeling alright?” he asked, eager for an answer. George tilted his head backwards.

“Me? Just a little tired, that’s all.” George waved the smoky air away.

Blitzer chuckled back at him. “Haha, that’s fantastic! You know, after all that water breathing, back there, what I saw and heard from you, I was kind of worried. You’re still not used to it, right?”

George nodded. “Not really, no. Still feel like I’ve been wringed out to dry. But I’m getting a little better, at least. Either I’m learning how to handle myself, or I’ve gotten used to the aching,” he said, then gulped. “Sorry for spitting water onto you back there, by the way.”

“No worries.” Blitzer’s smile took a sinister turn. “... Georgie.”

Oh boy, that’s gonna be a fun nickname to deal with, I can already tell. >:V

George frowned. “Hey, what’s that all about?!”

Blitzer laughed right back at him, body rocking back and forth in the grass like a baby in a crib. Apparently, it was highly amusing for him to say that after a near death experience, one George had pulled him out of. Doing his best, yet still laughed at.

His frown grew deeper the longer he watched Blitzer bob around. If it wasn’t for his back, the Charmander would have been rolling all over the place, laughing his way into a coma all the while.

“I’m, I’m sorry George, I just couldn’t resist!”

George: “Seriously? After saving you from those killer moles, this is the thanks I get?” >_>;
Blitzer: “Oi, you also soaked me with a Water Gun. I think that I’ve earned this one.”
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“Yeah, I’m sure you couldn’t.” George stared off into the plains leading back home. There were no wild Pokemon to spot in sight anywhere, just when he had the craving to spot some. Anything to take his mind off from things would’ve been welcome, but alas.

I feel like the “from things” ought to be a bit more specific. Are you referring to Blitzer’s new sucky nickname for George or else something different here?

Seeing that laughing wasn’t impressing George, Blitzer [ ] took a different approach.

Oh, come on now. You have to admit that I deserve a little fun, especially after you leaked a little water on me back there,” he said, gritting his teeth through the pain until he sat up straight. “It’s only a joke-”

Kek, I like how I was more or less directly on the money for what Blitzer’s rationale for busting out the ‘Georgie’ would be. Though I do think that it might make sense to note if and how Blitzer’s mood changes after noticing that George isn’t laughing along with his joke.

“Yes, I know!” George snapped back. “I just don’t like being called ‘Georgie’, okay?”

The Oshawott’s response came out a lot angrier than he had anticipated. Worse than that was that he wasn’t shocked about it. Blitzer wouldn’t understand.

‘Come on, try to do something, Georgie!’

‘Aw, you wanna go cry? Cry to your mommy?’

‘Your mommy even thought you were stupid!’

I personally think that these flashback lines probably work better as italics versus bolded text, but yeesh. No wonder George is so touchy about that nickname. .-.

“George? George!!”

A cold wave washed over George. Confused, he looked over his shoulder to see Blitzer sitting upright, tail curled around him, bearing a morose look which he didn’t want to show.

“George, um… I’m sorry,” Blitzer muttered softly, his muscles tensed up. “Is there… is there any reason why you don’t… why you don’t like being called ‘Georgie’?” he asked, his voice soft. “ A-And again, I’m really sorry. I mean it.”

IMO, you should go with one or the other speech tag here in Blitzer’s line. I personally feel that the first one has more going for it while the second basically doesn’t say anything other than that Blitzer’s voice was soft.

A tear crept out of George’s eye. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he blurted out. Right after, he slapped himself in the face. ‘You’re only making things worse for yourself, George!’ Frustrated, he grabbed onto the soft white fur on his head and started to pull.

G-George! Don’t do that!”

By the time Blitzer’s pleas reached his ears, George had already yanked a tuft out. He let it slide through his fingers, and allowed a frigid wind to carry it away. Moments after, he let his hands sink to the ground. Now was not the time to wave things off. Not to a friend.

“If anything, it should be me who’s sorry, Blitzer. Not you.”

Yeeeeah, I take it that George had a lot of healthy™ behaviors drilled into him at that orphanage, since… yeah, that was a bit harder of a turn into self-loathing than I was expecting there.

N-No, don’t worry about it-”

The Oshawott sighed. “Me acting out like that was completely uncalled for. And I get it. It’s a joke. You should be allowed to make jokes. It’s just.” George clicked his tongue. ‘Your mommy didn’t even love you, Georgie!’ “There’s something I can’t explain. And it goes deep…”

Blitzer let out a deep breath through his nose. “Do you know why?”

I don’t think that Blitzer’s question quite matches up with George’s last statement. It might work better if George says something to the effect that being called ‘Georgie’ bothers him and that he’s not sure if he can really explain it to Blitzer.

George’s body vibrated at the thought. “Yes. Yes I do. It’s… it’s because of my old life. it’s too much,” he said, ears pressed against his head.

A tear rolled down his cheek. Of all the times and places to think about the past, right this second had to be one of them. Even though that past was so very far away, it was only right around the corner.

‘If only I hadn’t been such a bad person. Maybe then I wouldn’t have ended up there. Maybe I could be telling Blitzer actual good stories about myself. But I can’t.’

Whelp, self-loathing impulse confirmed there. Though I personally feel that the rest of the paragraph following George’s dialogue and its speech tag would work better as a standalone thing.

A hand suddenly touched George, whose and his ears perked back up. He looked up over to see Blitzer having crawled up to him, patting his shoulder.

I think that you have one too many ‘up’s in this paragraph here. Replacing one with a different word would probably make the wording sound a bit less repetitive.

“If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t ever want to make fun of you on purpose,” the Charmander said. “I mean, you saved my life back there! If I had gone down there alone, I would have been toast! And not the kind my mom makes, either.”

Grinning, he wiped the tears off George’s cheeks [ ], who tepidly nodded in return.

“You could say that.” ‘And I would’ve laughed if I could, honest…’

I’m actually now just realizing that it probably would’ve been interesting to see more of George’s internal freakout / “how could you?” reaction to being called ‘Georgie’ for the first time by Blitzer, though in this part in particular, it might make sense to expand the bit where Blitzer is cheering George up a bit, since something about it feels a bit rushed even if I’m having trouble putting my finger on what specifically.

Blitzer poked George with his elbow. “More like the kind my dad makes, am I right?” he said, to which the corners of George’s mouth sharply curled up.

“You mean Nero, or your biological dad?” ‘Was that too far?’

“What’s the difference?”

Boy, did George dodge a bullet there, since he’s very fortunate that Blitzer didn’t take the ‘biological dad’ remark as a jab.
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Blitzer spread his arms wide and wrapped them around George. The two keeled over backwards, laughing. One final tear left George’s eye, before those emotions were put to rest. He turned back to Blitzer, this time with the his frown turned upside down.

“Thanks Blitzer, I needed that.”

“No worries, George. Glad to help out anytime!” he said, scratching the back of his head with a thump of his tail.

A burnt smell hung in the air, before being blown off by another cold wind. A glance above revealed darkened clouds gathering, which made Blitzer audibly swallow gulp.

We should probably head back before Kyogre drops an ocean onto us.”

Yeah, I knew that George was tempting fate by pulling that “whew, we’re safe now” routine. Though IMO, your last paragraph would work better being cut up into two or three (as in my suggestion) pieces.

“Yeah,” George replied, pulling himself onto two feet. “Does it often rain around here?” ‘And Kyogre makes it rain, huh…?

“Absolutely,” Blitzer said, groaning as he got up. “In fact, it rains so often, it’s a miracle you haven’t seen any yet. It’s been really dry these past two weeks. Oh well,” he said with a shrug. George folded his arms over his scarf, reeling as he imagined getting doused in water from a passing car.

That actually makes me wonder if George is going to get rained on in like a chapter and then realize that as an Oshawott that it actually feels really good to him.

“Well, I’ve seen plenty of rain back in the city. At least here I won’t get scolded for getting myself wet in the rain.”

Blitzer cracked up. “Wait, what? Why would anyone do that? It’s rain!”

“Ha, yeah,” George said, glancing at the grass for a split second. “City rules. Or… what was that word again… Eh-tee-ket. Apparently it was very important. Not here, right?”

“Nope,” Blitzer said with a sly grin.

Oh trust me, I’m sure that you two will come to the conclusion that etiquette’s a bit more important than initially assumed after having a few fails in front of Nero and Nera. >:V

“That’s better.” George put his hands together. The idea of laying on a warm bed while it poured outside was like hot cocoa on a winter morning. “We haven’t forgotten anything, have we?”

“What about the treasure?” Blitzer pointed at the fold in George’s bright red scarf with a curious flick of his tail.

“Wait, ah!”

The Oshawott’s hands flew up to the scarf to rummage through the folds. Fortunately, the flute piece was still sitting snug as a bug inside one.

Phew, that was a close one. Thought it was gone for a second, there.”

I personally feel that the bit where George goes to check up on his flute should be handled in its own paragraph apart from his two bits of dialogue.

Blitzer wiped the sweat off his brow, despite the fact that he was a Charmander, and thus incapable of producing sweat to begin with.

After all the fighting, it’s a miracle that you didn’t lose it! Better, because no one is getting me back in there, no chance.”


George raised the flute piece up to his nose. With it now being quiet, spare for Blitzer’s mouth, he had ample opportunity to study it. The piece gave off a dull shine. Even without sunlight, there was an elegance to it unlike anything back home. This wasn’t something you’d find in the middle of nowhere.

The flute’s touch revealed a level of sophistication only a master would be able to achieve. Was such a thing even possible? Were there great cities in this world where civilization had bloomed to such an extent? And if they existed, why would a stranger ask a small Oshawott and a stubborn, zippy Charmander to dive underground for it? Unable to answer these questions himself, George handed Blitzer the piece, and explained his thoughts.

You have a newline error after Blitzer’s line of dialogue, and IMO the paragraph starting with George raising the flute piece to his nose would work better as two paragraphs from how long it is. Though something about the part talking about Blitzer wiping the sweat off his brow and then revealing he doesn’t sweat feels a bit iffy to me. Maybe it’d make more sense to lean harder on George’s perspective for that one where he reflexively thinks that Blitzer is getting sweat off his brow and then remembers “oh wait, he doesn’t sweat”?

“Huh? So you think an ordinary Pokemon made this?” Blitzer twiddled the piece around, observing it from many directions with exaggerated motions.

“No, I said a great craftsman, not anyone ordinary,” George grumbled, his tail swatting at the air. Blitzer shook his head back.

This is totally going to wind up being a part of the Azure Flute, isn’t it? Since between the color and the mention of it having surprisingly good craftsmanship…

“That’s not what I meant. You think there are people out there capable of making these sorts of things? Ordinary Pokemon, and not Legends? Because, uh, I don’t think there are any people like you describe, George.”

Yeah, okay, I’m pretty sure that this is a piece of the llama-summoning flute at this rate. Since now Blitzer’s going off and dragging cosmically important entities into this conversation.

George tilted his head. “What do you mean?” he said, then leaned back. ‘To be honest, I might already have an idea. Soldiers, or something.’

The Charmander took in a deep breath, as if to prepare himself for a lecture he was about to give. “Well, I have never heard of anything like that. You know, I vaguely remember being in a city when I was really young. But there was nothing like this there. Not at all.

[ ]

I don’t know what human society is like, George, but maybe you would find things like these there? If you’re telling the truth, then wow!”

Huh, so Blitzer has quite the backstory to him given that when he was really, really young, he was in some sort of environment that was very different from Greenfield. Though it makes me wonder what the cities of this setting look like.

I do feel that Blitzer says an awful lot all at once for dialogue. Consider breaking up his speech and having him trail off or something in between.

As the wind howled yet again, George felt uncomfortably dry. Something in his body was telling him to jump into a pool of water. “So, uh, does that mean no?” he asked, clenching his gut to try and shake off the feeling that he’d been lost in a desert for hours.

“What I mean is, this is probably not made by an ordinary Pokemon,” Blitzer said. “Makes more sense that way. Why else would it be lying underground?”

George laid a hand on his cheek. “I don’t know.

Honestly, the one argument against this being the Azure Flute in capital letters would be that its design doesn’t match up with the canonical one. But this story I’m pretty sure originated from before PLA was a thing, so…

“We might have gotten our hands on something special, George. Or, in other words… Treasure!”

Blitzer’s tail suddenly flared happily. It didn’t take long for him for his arms to fly through the air; were it not for his injuries, his feet would’ve been up there too.

“Haha, yeah, I guess,” George awkwardly mumbled, while scratching at an itch near his freckled cheeks. ‘Some treasure it is, though. We can’t even show it to anyone.’

I can already tell that the underlined isn’t going to age well at all in this story. Even if I wonder just where this plot is going to go with this flute that they’ll surely piece together with time.

An extra cold wind blew onto George’s back. The tension in his muscles lessened; a wave of humid air had been blown over by the wind. Given the clouds, the rain couldn’t have been far off. Believing Blitzer would want to be indoors by the time the rain arrived in full force, George turned tail to start the trek home. But, much to his annoyance, Blitzer wouldn’t have it that way wasn’t budging.

“Heey! Where are you going?” the Charmander asked.

“Back home. Where else?”

[ ]

“Why though?”

… Okay, Blitzer, what’s your game here? Since you’d think that seeing the signs of an impending rainstorm would be quite the motivator to get you to get out of dodge.

Though IMO, it makes sense to add a speech tag to either Blitzer’s or George’s line since I actually had to stop and check the context to tell who was speaking. It might also make sense to show off more of Blitzer’s reaction to George’s insistence that they get going since I was actually having a hard time getting a read on his mood.

“Doesn’t it look like it’s about to start raining?” George pointed up with a slap of his tail.

“Yeah, but it’s only a little rain. No worries!” Blitzer said, stretching his arms out to let the wind flow over his body. “Cold, though!”

Famous last words there. Though I suppose it makes sense that in the absence of having a traumatic near-death experience, that Blitzer wouldn’t be as cagey about water as Anime!Charmander.

Thoroughly stumped, George tried pointing out the obvious to the Charmander. “But you’re a fire type. Don’t fire types hate rain?”

He made rapid gestures all around his face with both hands to try and bring his points across, complimented further by flicks of his ears and twitches of his nose.

You know, with getting wet and all being actually bad for your health? Or that fire types just don’t like that? Getting cold in general being bad? Water gets pretty cold. Especially in the rain.”

Blitzer’s response was to put one hand on his head, the other on his side, and to start rubbing. “I don’t know. Other fires, maybe, but not me! I can handle getting a little wet! If bathing’s no issue, rain is nothing! I’ve handled rain before, it’s nothing big.”

… What. Though I wonder if that implies anything about Blitzer’s parentage or else how he was initially brought up. Since if even Blitzer acknowledges that most Fire-types hate getting rained on…

George rolled his eyes. “Are you sure?” ‘Your father sure told me a different story. With bathing, which I’ve seen for myself. And smelled more than enough times, too...’

… Or Blitzer could just be puffing his chest out and trying to seem tough. I suppose that I can’t rule that out given how he was initially talking about the Drilbur Encounter™ from when he was young and treating it like it was no big deal until he ran into flesh and blood ones again.

“Sure am! Now then, the flute…” Blitzer took the piece between two fingers. “What should we do with it?”

The former human folded his small arms over one another. “Well, we can’t go around showing it to anyone. Least of all your parents, either. They’ll probably start asking questions if we do.”

Bold of you to assume that they’re not going to just wind up finding it in your room while you’re out in Greenfield and then ask awkward questions when you come home later at night.

Blitzer nodded, and straightened his tail. “You’re right. Don’t need the whole village to find out. Especially not with Soldiers around. I don’t want them getting their greedy paws on it.”

George hummed in agreement. “Yes, and don’t forget the message. They explicitly told us not to tell anyone, didn’t they?”

The expression on Blitzer’s face soured. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot… we can’t tell or show anyone. But why though? Why does whoever wrote us that message want that so badly?”

Blitzer: “... Actually, now that I think about it, how on earth did they even know that this piece of smashed-up flute was going to be there anyways?” .-.

“I don’t know,” said George while shaking his head, “but I don’t want to find out what happens otherwise.”

“Uh huh.”

George breathed in deep, and back out. Blitzer held the piece out in front of him, and George eyed it further. It couldn’t have been so simple, could it? Would anyone just leave a piece of a flute lying at the bottom of a cave? He closed his eyes, and reimagined the encounter with the Excadrill. Those azure eyes right after it disappeared. The way they stared right back at him was off. Hatred, or anger... No, it wasn’t that. It was far more like the gaze of a police officer keeping watch over a playground.

‘Azure eyes’ from some sort of guardian entity, huh? I’ll be filing that one away for the future, even if I’m admittedly drawing blanks as to what sort of Pokémon they could belong to.

His eyes were pried open by a large drop landing square on his nose. Surprised, George twitched it around, as more drops started falling. Another large one fell square on the crown of Blitzer’s head, causing the Charmander to jump.

Ah!”

“Blegh, here’s the rain I was talking about,” George said.

“You know what, how’s about we get out of here?” Blitzer said as more drops started falling all around the two. “I wanna go home.”

Snerk. Well, that bravado of Blitzer’s sure didn’t last very long, now did it? >:V

George looked off beside him, bearing a smug grin. “Feeling homesick, Blitzer?”

“Yeah, somewhere warm and dry sounds fine right about now.”

Grinning as the rain caressed his fur, George once again put a foot forward. “Well, what are we waiting for? It’s a good half hour until we get back.” ‘Knew he was fakin’ it.’

Blitzer: “A-A half hour?!
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George: “I mean, I did suggest we should get going earlier, just saying…”
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Blitzer gulped. “Are you sure?”

“Well, it depends on how fast you can walk.”

“Uuurgh…”

And so, the two made their trek home, the flute piece once again tucked away into George’s scarf. Of all the danger they had gotten themselves into, one thing was certain about today’s adventure: They had better needed to come up with a darned good excuse for their condition by the time they got home.

I think that you’re missing something from that last paragraph. I took a stab at leaving some suggestions of what could fill that void, but admittedly I’m not sure if they match up with the intent that you were going for.

Alright, that’s a bit of a wrap. As part of this recap, I’ll be focusing on these two chapters as a whole, since their strengths and weaknesses both seemed to be largely shared between them:

I thought that this was a pretty nice sendoff to your first arc. George and Blitzer get their first tangible piece of this greater adventure waiting for them, go through a surprisingly tense gauntlet in which Blitzer has to face an old childhood trauma from it, and get a harsh reality check that this whole adventuring business isn’t going to be a cakewalk. I thought that these chapters were pretty good at selling a sense of a mood, especially the growing sense of panic and desperation through Chapter 14 and into the early parts of Chapter 15. The characterization was also fun, and I liked the little bits and pieces of George and Blitzer’s backstories that you showed off, in particular in Chapter 15. Definitely some threads in the future there that I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of.

In terms of criticisms, there were some phrasings here and there that I didn’t quite agree with, ditto paragraph formatting where every so often there was one paragraph that felt like it had enough going on in it that it should be a few smaller ones. I noticed that these chapters also had a habit of abruptly skipping transitions from one character to the other in the narration again, and I felt that there were a few parts where you were cutting the description a little too far to the bone. I get that “short and punchy” chapters is your meta goal for this story, but I just kept finding moments where I wished I could’ve seen more of what was going on, whether with the characters’ reactions or else inside their heads. And at under 4000 words apiece, I felt that you had a bit of room to add more on that front while still respecting that meta goal.

But what’s there still works decently well. Hope the feedback was helpful, @Gyeig , and I’ll be looking forward to coming back to this story again sometime in the future.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, back a bit sooner than I expected to dive back into this story. I’ll be doing a singular chapter this time around, though based off the threadmark index, it looks like it’ll be nice glimpse of things to come. So let’s just go right ahead and get into:

Chapter 16

>that Part title

Huh, wasn’t expecting Giratina to play a role in the plot. But I can see that word you rolled for a title, and… yeah, that’s definitely a very ‘Giratina’ vibe it’s giving off.

Far away from Greenfield, in a chamber hidden from the world…

Light shone through pristine glass windows into the antechamber, brightening the green carpet spread out over the floor. The guards, a Throh and an Electivire, hastily put their masks on as a bang sounded on the wooden door they were in charge of. It was early in the morning, but it was never too early in this keep.

Huh, that’s definitely quite a jump away from George and Blitzer right now. I wonder if this is going to be wherever that queen that commands the Soldiers is based out of.

With lumbering sighs, the guards opened the door. In stepped a brute figure they were all too familiar with, followed by two of the Queen’s lesser finer Soldiers. They were a Toucannon and a Magmar, the former uncomfortably fluttering its way into the chamber, and the other fidgeting with the green band around its arm. Despite having the task of taking charge, they were shirking back from the one they’d escorted here.

The other guards in the room, and those in the room beyond had steeled their nerves. A growl rumbled throughout the antechamber. She was here. And it couldn’t have been anyone else. Her Sharpedo-like bipedal body, the teeth sticking out of her jaws, the colossal fin on her back, not to mention those talons.

Well, I suppose that explains the Garchomp in silhouette on the cover art, plus in emotes that you have on Discord. Though I think that this paragraph ought to be broken up into two parts due to its length, and I’m not fully sure what the underlined is meant to be saying. Like what are the two supposed to be taking charge of, and who did they escort before the Queen? It might make sense to take a step back and try to rephrase the underlined more clearly.

What other Garchomps lived in this land, aside from the Queen’s most prized henchwoman?

“Lady Gareda, you’ve arrived.” The Sawk and Magneton on the other side of the hall saluted her, one with a hand, the other with a magnet. The Garchomp scowled at them both. The Sawk guard audibly gulped. They might play third fiddle to her teeth and talons, yet those reptilian eyes ran through them like spears through thrown at their enemies.

Well, scratch that about the Garchomp being the Queen. Though yeah, I’m guessing that Gareda is indeed that one Garchomp with the six-pointed nose star.

“Don’t bother stating the obvious. I’m here for the Queen. Now open the door.”

Y-Yes, my lady.”

Let’s just hope that the Queen is a bit less killer in attitude than Gareda here, since this can’t possibly be a good omen for what life expectancy on the job is like among the Soldiers.
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A large stone door bearing a painted sigil stood between her and the queen. The Sawk guard knocked on the door; the Magneton put one of its magnets against a panel on the wall.

“Bzzt! The door will open soon, my lady!”

“Quiet.

“Yes, my lady, Bzzt!”

Gareda shook her head. None of this miserable crew had any chance against an attacker… How can one could they fight when they were this afraid of their own shadows? Let alone her? She’d only been present here for ten years. If her mere presence as an ally caused this sort of reaction, these guards surely They wouldn’t last long in contact with the enemy if the sight of an ally caused this reaction.

She crossed her talons over one another and keened her senses. Trembling all around her. Deep down, it was a good thing to be in a room full of fear. That is It was the kind of motivation one needed in hard times.

Ah yes, I see that Gareda is a people person™. She must be popular at parties among Soldiers.

Though the last paragraph in particular felt a little iffy to me. Beyond it being long and idea-dense enough to arguably work better as multiple paragraphs, the verb tenses seemed to be a bit inconsistent since some of the sentence were in past verb tense while others were in present tense. I left some suggestions for rephrasing in the block above.

Like clockwork, the mechanism in the wall slowly pulled back the door, revealing the way into the audience chamber. Gareda and her entourage walked in. She scowled her way over the carpet to the other side of the chamber, clenching her talons against her sharp fins. Masked guards flanked them on all sides, partially covered by large white statues of previous rulers, except for one on at the end. He had no such statue to hide behind. A handful of critters - A Bidoof, a Munna and a Nickit - scurried out of sight, not taking their cleaning equipment with them. Gareda kept her scowl trained on them for a second as they ran out, before turning back.

‘Poor sods. Must be new here. They’re bound to learn the hard way.’

I’m going to take the under on those three base morphs being here in the Keep because they wanted to be, really. :copyka:

Gareda’s guards stayed behind in the rear end of the room. She did not care. The thuds of her footsteps were better guardians than anything that a rich Pokemon could hire. Even here, in the presence of the Vined Crest. That crest was everywhere; on banners hanging from the roof and on the walls, on the carpet, and on the throne.

The Queen was not one to accept half measures. Even in the walk to the steps, you’d one would get a feeling of inferiority coursing through your veins. And thus, burying her scowl, Gareda knelt a few strides before the steps leading to the throne, pitching her head up at her Queen, who had been waiting on her for a while.

“Your majesty, you have summoned me. What for?”

Another paragraph that IMO works better divided into parts. Though looks like it’s time to get that reveal of Queenie’s species for real.

The Serperior staring down at her was not amused. “Why yes, Gareda. I have. And I find your lack of enthusiasm odd.”

Huh, well that explains the Grass-type motifs that seemed to accompany the chatter about the Queen. I suppose I should’ve seen this coming given that Serperior does have some motifs about it that are deliberately evocative of royalty.

Though now I’m curious as to if she’s a Contrary Serperior or not, since normal Serperior wouldn’t normally move the radar is being particularly dangerous, but…

The Garchomp shook her head. “No, my queen, you must be quite mistaken. My spirits and energy couldn’t be higher.”

“Silence.”

The queen’s voice went through the air like a shockwave; Most of the guards staggered at their posts. Gareda’s mouth fell shut. The remnants of the scowl left her eyes like fallen leaves being carried off by the wind.

Wew, so the Queen can even cow Gareda just by being a bit snippy. Maybe she really is a Contrary Serperior.

“My apologies, your-”

“No apologies, Gareda. I expect the best, and nothing but the best from everyone that wishes to sit at my right hand. You sauntered in here with no drive or emotion. I don’t care if you had to cut your way through a thousand Corrupted on your way here. In my presence, you are at your best. Understood?”

Just filing it away that there’s a faction called the ‘Corrupted’ somewhere out there in this setting. Though I kinda question whether or not the Queen as a Pokémon without limbs would reflexively use a “at my right hand” expression. Perhaps “by my side” would be more fitting? Dunno, maybe I’m overthinking it.

“...Understood, your majesty,” Gareda said after a slight pause, straining her eyes into a serious gaze. [ ]

“Good. Now then. Allow me to explain why I have summoned you here. You may be aware of our little rebel issue, aren’t you?” the Queen asked, only to pause and shake her head.

What am I saying, of course you are. I have seen your claws run red myself,” she said. “You, the one who single handedly crushed the attacks on my family, and destroyed them when they foolishly believed they could take Torrevan City away from me, you know better than anyone what we are dealing with.”

Ah, so Gareda has quite the bodycount. And not in the lewd meme sense of the term either.
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I do feel that it probably makes sense to describe the Queen’s reaction or expression briefly before having her speak again, but that might be authorial preferences speaking.

“...Yes, your majesty.”

Gareda kept her eyes trained on the Serperior’s neck. Her feet felt weary on the soft, silky carpet. Arceus did not create her to dwell in places like these. The mountains she pictured in front of her were as far away from here as the world would allow. Yet she did not budge from her kneel, even as the Serperior hollered for a Golduck servant to come bearing a drink. He too knelt, offering her a sip of the drink, before fleeing back to whatever dark corner he’d crawled out of. Gareda could taste the fear in her mouth, and faintly smell it amidst the soapy smell in the air.

Well, all that tough talk about a bit of fear being good for the underlings has sure come around to bite Gareda fast, huh? Though IMO, Gareda’s dialogue works better separated out from the rest of the paragraph that it’s presently attached to.

Queen Patrina smacked her tongue on the water, twirling the sip in her mouth before swallowing.

Now, where were we? Ah yes… Gareda, I am eternally thankful to our creators to have you in my service. My gratitude is as vast as the great oceans, as infinite as the cosmos the Lustrous One created, and as vast as our realm,” she said. Gareda’s eyes were shut for most of it. “Alas. How unfortunate it is that my whole army is not staffed by others such as you,” she said, slithering her way onto her throne.

Whelp, we have a name for Queenie. Even if I kinda wonder if it’d have made more sense for the narration to introduce it sometime when Gareda is entering the throne room and her thought process is more or less acting as exposition for what to expect from the Queen. Or even a passing mention of the Queen’s name by one of the rando guards earlier for that matter.

“What happened?” Gareda asked.

“You must know of it by now. The rebel theft of our piece of the Azure Flute.”

I KNEW IT.

“I am aware.”

The queen scoffed. “Hmpfh. You better be I expected you to be, Gareda. I am entrusting you with the task of retrieving it.”

A passive grumble passed through Gareda’s throat. “Have the others failed to get it back?”

“Of course they have!” shouted the Queen with a loud whip of her tail, denting the stone floor as a result. “Those fools are less than useless! They let them escape with the flute, and now they cannot catch the brigands responsible!

[ ]

It is an embarrassment, no, they are an embarrassment! All because these brigands and thieves loyal to that steel cretin are so persistent, my finest are all scattered across the land keeping order,” the Serperior seethed. “And here I have to put a bunch of ragtag, bottom line commoner filth in charge of getting the flute piece back. Filth who have no clue of the sacrifices it took for them to have their measly, half feral lives!”

A couple suggested tweaks here and there, but I personally feel that Patrina’s rant is long enough that it should be handled in two parts with something in between.

Gareda was silent, partially meditating as the queen’s tirade continued.

“I will not stand for this. I will discipline those fools myself! You, Gareda, show them how it is done. That steel cretin, who left all Pokemon to rot for his own sake… If they get their hands on that flute… If they harness its power to break the seal… you know what the consequences are, is that clear?”

Oh, so the main meat of this story is going to be a “race to befriend Arceus” plot, huh? Since that sure feels like that’s where this is going.

“Yes, it is understood, your majesty.” Gareda’s eyes had fallen shut. The sensory organs on both sides of her head went wild, straining her mind with the pressure of a headache. Her breathing intensified, against all her wishes. Weakness was not an option. Failure was not an option. Not in a million years. Not for as long as the Temporal One lived.

… The ‘Temporal One’? As in Dialga, or…?

“Good. Very good. Now then. I want you to take over. We know the general area of where these brigands have been hiding. Find them and retrieve the flute piece. You are dismissed.”

“Understood, Your Eminence.”

[ ]


“Now, if you excuse me, I have some fools that require my attention.”

Oh hey, I just realized whose personality Patrina has with her love of berating others as fools and her fiery temper:

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So when can we expect the Vine Whip antics to go around? /s

As the queen slithered off to deal with the people originally in charge of retrieving her precious treasure, Gareda got off her knees and shuffled her way out of the room. An even deeper frown visible on her face than when she walked in, her entourage kept their distance even further this time.

In times like these, she wished she had been born as a different Pokemon, if only so she wouldn’t have to be cautious not to scratch up the carpet with her sharp feet. If only so she wouldn’t be disciplined for asking her what her damned orders were supposed to be. If only so she were more than a puppet dancing on a string.

Well, that’s definitely a different mood than when Gareda first set foot into the Keep. I suppose being reminded of where her place is by her superior went a long way to humbling her… relatively, anyways.

Grumbling, she left the chamber the way she came, the guards reeking with the sour stench of fear more than ever. She gave them snide looks as she walked past, her stomping feet and swaying tail bound to leave an impact on them if it hadn’t already. Some would’ve revelled in being seen that way. An unbreakable titan to whom everyone bent their knee, if they knew what was best for them. Gareda merely kept her head low, stomping her way out of the fortress much to the relief of the guards she was leaving behind..

“Idiots. Bloody idiots.”

I mean, it could be worse and the guards could’ve started leaving messes behind on the floor with how high-strung they were described as being, but I suppose that’s one indication that Gareda has a keen sense of smell if she can pick up on flop sweat and other stress pheremones coming off the grunts around her this casually.

Once she’d gotten past numerous security checkpoints, cussing out the troops stationed at each one, she left the fortress at her back, only to be greeted by wind and rain as she stepped outside. For a moment, she stood hanging her arms, letting the rain slide over her dark blue scales and down her tail, the scowl growing sadder by the second. ‘Just what I always wanted. Rain after meeting with Patrina.

Another inner thought moment that probably makes sense to distinguish from the rest of the narration. I’m not really sure what your internal criteria for deciding which ones to italicize or not are since you seem to sometimes italicize them and sometimes not, but try to keep things consistent one way or the other.

She and her escorts wandered down the steps into the city below. Luminity City, as the commoners called it. About the only place in the world where there was a steady supply of electrical power, thanks to the Queen demanding the power plant on the horizon be constructed specifically for her. Memories of the one time Gareda was there came rushing back to her. Everyone who could harness electrical powers worked there, and weren’t particularly fond of having an earthling like Garena observing them. Her scowl did her a lot of good that day.

I wonder if the similarity in root wording to ‘Lumiose’ is deliberate or not, and if it is, if it has any implications behind what the history of this setting is.

In any case, the efforts at that plant meant that the city was bright even on rainy nights. One had to be careful not to step on any wires strewn over the ground, though. Gareda shook her head as she looked at the tightly wrapped bundles running through the streets. How any non-earthlings accepted this unnatural mess was beyond her. If they even accepted it. No one here, from the Grovyle walking past, the Hypno standing at a half empty market stall, to the Orbeetle flying overhead were staring at anything but the ground. Gareda shook her head; a grumble escaped her throat.

… How on earth is that not an electrocution hazard in the middle of rains like this?
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“Lady Gareda, where are you going?” the Toucannon escort suddenly said as the trio stopped. Growling, Gareda turned her head; the guards gave her shaky legs in response.

“Where does it look like I’m going?”

The Toucannon sounded as if he was on the verge of choking. “My Lady, T-To the Cathedral, yes. Hm hmmm…”

Unless the Toucannon is meant to very deliberately flub his address to Gareda, you want to keep things consistently as “Lady Gareda”, since at least in English, “Lord” and “Lady” are not normally interchangeable address.

Gareda sharpened her eyes. “Congratulations, banana beak. You’ve guessed that right. I’m going to do what any good Pokemon would do, and take some time out of my day to appreciate my Creator,” she harrumphed. “While I do that, why don’t you and she go and make yourselves useful? Patrina, our oh so great queen, never bothered to mention where I am supposed to head to. Go on, then. Ask some of your fellow fools if they know. Maybe the previous morons in charge after the Queen’s done beating the devil out of ‘em!”

Ah yes, this seems like a healthy™ working culture among Patrina and her underlings right about now. Though I would recommend breaking up Gareda’s dialogue with a speech tag.

[ ]

“But, my lord. I mean no disrespect, but are you disrespecting the queen?”

In an instant, Garuda’s arm struck out at the Magmar, pressing the blade on her arm against her neck. “What was that you said?”

N-Nothing, my Lady!!”

Gareda: “Really? Since for a moment there, I thought that I heard you say ‘I’m expendable’.” >:(

“Keep those lips shut then, duck face. Be a tattletale, and I won’t be stopping here.” She pressed the blade against the Magmar’s neck, who quivered in response. The Toucannon watched on with horror.

Y-Yes, my lady…”

“Off with you two.”

Gareda: “Look, I know that underling quality has taken a dive recently, but is it really so much to ask for grunts under my command that are specifically loyal to me?
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With all the grace of a falling anvil, the two soldiers ran off into the streets. Gareda shook her head. She met them this morning, was likely going to be stuck with them for the foreseeable future, and she knew they were hopeless already: Her sensors told the whole story. Getting them to leave her alone for a while was enough of an accomplishment for today. Sauntering through the streets, throwing aside object and Pokemon alike, she headed towards the cathedral.

I like how Gareda is just casually plowing through anything in her way in the street in order to go and pay her dues to Arceus. Definitely is one of the more character-establishing moments of her in this chapter.

For the first time that day, she gazed up at the sky. The spire of the great cathedral of Luminity City. A monument in honour of the great creator, Arceus. Breathing in deep through her nose, and keeping a steady hold of her tail so that it wouldn’t sway around too much, Gareda knocked on the front door, and was let inside.

“...Lady Gareda? Do come in.”

“Gladly.”

The doorkeeper, an elderly Chimeco, pointed the Garchomp to a collection of bead necklaces, then left her on her own. It hadn’t been her first time here, and the people of the church were more than aware of who she was. Content to let the dragon run unsupervised in their house, they largely left her alone. Gareda knew full well she couldn’t just answer them with a scowl, nor did she want to. One should keep a firm grip on the light inside of them, especially when adrift in a dark sea. And the seas weren’t getting any brighter.

Wow, Gareda actually has people other than Patrina that she doesn’t just reflexively snarl into getting out of her way. Filing that one away for her character.

Here we are. Even if it’s just for a minute, I need to be here.

The familiar aroma of incense poured up Gareda’s nose as she walked up the aisles to the other end of the cathedral. Spare for the sounds of her feet gripping onto the stone floor, the doorkeeper chiming away behind, and distant sounds of what must’ve been the other ones in charge of watching over this house, it was silent. Quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

A light headed feeling came over Gareda as she knelt down by the altar. Her whole life, ever since she was nothing but a wee Gible, she’d heard people from all across the Eravate region sing the same song. It was an instinct, something ingrained in everyone’s mind, like birds wishing to fly free, or earthlings desiring yearning for the underground. The desire to judge others.

Some spoke of potential, others spewed pessimism. Some sang praises, others croaked negativity. Some laughed and shook their heads, others groveled for mercy. Collectively, everyone’s judgement ran society. It was how one of Gareda’s scowls could get even the bravest to sweat. Because that was how people viewed her. Something to be feared. But in this cathedral hall, the judgement of others meant nothing. Whoever entered this place was on their own. Here, the true self would come out, just as Arceus intended.

I mean, not that it’d do wonders for your job security, but you could always just be open about who you really are outside of whenever you visit these churches, Gareda.
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Though just filing it away that whatever corner of the world Gareda came from is apparently called ‘Eravate’.

Gareda crossed her arms, and leaned over kneeling in front of the altar. [ ]

“Please, for the love of Arceus, make let this mission end well. I have to get this right, for them. I know you have been watching over me. I know you wish to speak to me, and I know that I have had to let you down…

[ ]

I’m sorry. Forgive me. Despite all the pleading, all my energy… something has not been going well. I’m sorry. I must come to you again, Creator. I require your strength again for this. For all of this. Please…”

IMO, it might make sense to take some time to dwell on Gareda’s mindset when attempting to approach Arceus in prayer. Like how does she view Arceus as an entity and his relation to her? Is it transactional? Does she see herself as acting as an agent on his behalf? Is she conflicted about ugly things she’s had to do on the job that might not be kosher with an Arcean ethos in this setting?

Like you mentioned a bit earlier in the story, that here in this Cathederal is where the real Gareda comes out. It just feels like we’re not getting as good of a view of what that looks like as we could at the moment.

Gareda’s voice shook, the echoes reverberating through the hall. With visible pain streaming down her face, she continued, kneeling deeper and deeper.

“I promise you, I will not falter. I will not fail in this. For them, and for Eravate..”

Narrator:
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Gareda’s confession went on for a long time. By this time, her tail was laid out over the floor, and the knee she supported herself on was shaking. No pain could stop her. It couldn’t stop her. It couldn’t, lest she ended up forsaking her own words.

And the consequences for that betrayal were well known.

Oh, so she’s basically having an [uhhh] moment over the prospect of coming up short to Patrina, huh? Or at least I think that’s what’s going on here.

Well, I wasn’t sure what I was expecting from the start of a new Part in this story, but I see that the scope is going to be blowing up to include a wide world outside of Greenfield in very short order. I think that this is also the first time where we’ve seen events from someone’s perspective other than George or Blitzer’s, let alone from an antagonist’s perspective, and thus far it’s a pretty fascinating glimpse of something that is at once contemptible and pitiful, which I take Gareda is basically an avatar of. Like it’s a fascinating dynamic to see how Gareda is basically a cruel bully to anyone beneath her, while at the end of the day, she’s desperately terrified of screwing up before those who aren’t beneath her lest BAD THINGS™ happen to her, with one of her few retreats from them being her faith. I’ll be keeping an eye on her and whatever characters from the Soldier side crop up, since it feels like there’s a lot of potential directions that she can go from here.

There were a few things that didn’t quite sit well with me in this chapter. Some of it was wording and formatting issues, with this chapter having a weirdly high number of verb tense errors that I didn’t remember seeing in the past few ones. I know that I can be a bit of a broken record about this story sometimes being a bit too “to the bone” about description of scenes or characters’ thought processes, but the moment with Gareda in the cathedral was a particular standout on that front. Like the story very specifically notes that it’s a place where Gareda can be her true self, but it felt like there were a number of opportunities to dive into her mindset and the atmosphere of the cathedral that were passed up.

Though altogether, I think that the strengths carried the chapter enough to get past the flaws @Gyeig , and it’s definitely a nice change of pace relative to what we’ve seen of this story so far. I’ll be looking forward to seeing where things go from here, since this chapter was certainly an intriguing teaser of things yet to come.
 
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