Pokémon Whom The Gods Gifted And Whom The Gods Doomed

[The Walrein]

Spoiler: Content Warning

References to death; reminders of various biological frailties

Whom The Gods Gifted And Whom The Gods Doomed

When the world was young, the gods met in council to discuss the condition of the mortals.

“Pokemon are thinking beings, and yet in all other ways they are as mere animals. They are born like animals, they live like animals, and they die like animals,” Arceus said. “We should go and give them gifts, to elevate them to their proper station.”

All the gods agreed with this proposal, save Mew, who flew down to the world at once. She gathered together the leaders of all the Pokemon, and spoke. “I have terrible news,” she said. “Soon, the gods will come bringing gifts to you. But, they are all very fickle beings. Should any of you reject a god’s gift, they will bestow a terrible curse upon you instead.”

“Then the decision is obvious,” said one of the leaders of the Pokemon.

“It is, indeed,” said the Pokemon who would later come to be known as Human.

“That is all I can tell you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more,” said Mew, who flew away, weeping.

It was as Mew said. Before long, the rest of the gods descended unto the world, and one by one they presented their gifts to the mortals.

“We will go first, because we come bearing the most important gift of all,” Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf said, speaking jointly. “The gift of soul. No longer will you have to worry about your personality changing forever because your brain was damaged; no longer will the destruction of your body mean the end of everything you were. Souls will allow your minds to exist apart from the world and its imperfections, forever whole and pristine.”

Overjoyed, all the Pokemon accepted this great gift, except one.

“That is a kind offer, but I am afraid I must reject your gift,” said the Pokemon who’d later come to be known as Human.

And it was as Mew said; Uxie, Mesprit, and Azelf grew wroth upon hearing this, and spoke together in a booming declaration. “Oh, you care so little about the fate of your mind then, that you’re content to let it be tossed around and battered by the winds of mere chance? Very well, then we bestow upon you the curse of senility. From now on, even if you go through life with the utmost caution, and protect your brain from every possible danger that could befall it, it will matter not, for if you live long enough, your mind will fall apart entirely on its own. Your memories will fade, your reason will vanish, and all that you are shall slowly be forever erased from the world.”

When the rest of the Pokemon heard this, they trembled in fear, terrified at how that awful fate could’ve been theirs had they chosen wrongly. They waited for the Pokemon who would be Human to throw themselves to the ground and beg the three gods for mercy.

Instead, the one who would be Human smiled and bowed deeply. “That is a fair trade,” they said, “to have our minds somewhere where we can see them.”

The rest of the Pokemon were confused, but before they could think too long on the matter, the next god came.

“Your mind is now pure, but your bodies are not,” said Arceus. “To remedy this, I give you the gift of types. Now you shall not be made of matter alone; you will be made of the essences of fire, water, wind, earth, and many other things besides. And you shall have dominion over these elements, and be able to call upon their powers.”

Once more, all the Pokemon eagerly accepted this gift, save one.

“That is a kind offer, but I am afraid I must reject your gift,” said the one who was now known as Human, for their rejections of type and soul had already set them apart from the other Pokemon.

“Oh, you love matter so much, then, that you desire to be made of nothing but? Very well, then I bestow upon you the curse of nutritional deficiencies. Now you will need to made of dozens of different kinds of matter, and should you fail to eat enough of even one of them, you will grow sick and your body will start to fail. And you will not have even the comfort of knowing why this is happening to you, for the elements of matter are not as obvious as the types of Pokemon.”

Once more, Human smiled and bowed deeply. “That is a fair trade,” they said, “in order to maintain a body made of matter, and nothing but.”

Now it was Ho-oh’s turn to present a gift. “I come bearing the gift of eggs. No more will you have to suffer the indignity and discomfort of growing your children inside your own bodies, or risk having a child when you did not mean to. Instead, when two Pokemon will to have a child of their own, an egg will simply appear before them.”

All the Pokemon accepted this gift, save one.

“That is a kind offer, and one which I’m sure will lead to much confusion on our part centuries hence; but I am afraid I must reject your gift,” said Human.

And Ho-oh grew wroth and replied, “Oh, you are so attached to growing your children within you, feeding them with your own fat and blood? Very well, then I bestow upon you the curse of painful childbirth. Now the act of giving birth will be more difficult and painful for you than it is for almost any other animal, and a great many of your kind will die because of this.”

Human smiled and bowed. “That is a fair trade, to not have our reproduction be dependent upon a magical process.”

Next came Xerneas. “Despite being made in part of the essences of the types, you still feel pain as animals do, and are still vulnerable to bodily damage. Therefore I give unto you the gift of hit points. Now any blow that is not fatal will not impair your functioning even in the slightest, and at any time you will know exactly how many more wounds you can bear, and you will only feel pain at a step’s remove.”

The Pokemon accepted this gift immediately, save you know who.

“That is a kind offer, and one which might offset some of the last curse, but I am afraid I must reject your gift,” said Human.

“Oh, so you care not how much each injury wrecks your capacity to act? Very well, then I bestow upon you the curse of infection. Now, even the tiniest and most insignificant of your wounds has the chance to become infected and grow much worse than it was, possibly killing you outright.”

Human smiled and bowed. “That is a fair trade, to not have our health be tied to an abstract number.”

And so it went, on and on. A god would present a gift, the Pokemon would accept it, Human would reject it, and the god would curse them for it. Finally, every god had presented their gift except Yveltal, who approached and spoke.

“All the other gods’ gifts have made your bodies enduring. Even so, your physical forms will not last forever, but will gradually decay over a long time. This will become increasingly unpleasant towards the end of the process. To remedy this, I give you the gift of death. When your lifespan nears its end, you will slip into a peaceful trance, then die instantly and without suffering.”

This was the first gift the Pokemon did not accept immediately. Their faces fell and their bodies trembled, and they spent a long time in debate among themselves. But at last they agreed to accept the gift, for they feared the curse Yveltal would give even more than death.

Meanwhile, Human simply rolled around on the ground, laughing continuously, which Yveltal interpreted as a rejection of the gift.

“You’re so attached to life, then, that you laugh at the idea of death? Very well, then you can have your life! You can have so much life you choke on it! I bestow upon you the curse of cancer. Now, sometimes the smallest units of your body will refuse to die when they should, and instead grow and grow, until they bring about the doom of the vessel providing for them. And this will not be an easy or pleasant thing to bear...”

Human managed to stop laughing, get up, and speak. “That is a fair trade, to not have our deaths come at preordained times.”

And so at last the host of gods departed, satisfied with the work they’d done that day. The Pokemon gathered around Human, weeping inconsolably. “That was a foolish thing you did, rejecting all those gifts when Mew warned you of the consequences! We fear this will be the last time we see you, friend, for surely your kind will go extinct under the weight of all those curses!”

Human, too, was weeping. “You’re right that this is goodbye, my friends – yet it is not my kind who will go extinct, but yours. What a foolish thing you did, accepting all those gifts when Mew warned you of the consequences!”

“What do you mean?” asked the Pokemon, who were starting to feel a hint of unease.

“The gods are terribly fickle beings. How long do you think they will bother to maintain those gifts they gave you?”

“Surely, the gifts will maintain themselves,” one Pokemon ventured.

“Tell me, then, where can souls be found? Can you find them in a rock, falling to the ground? Can you find them in a piece of iron, sticking to a magnet? Can you find them in a bit of potassium, turning to calcium? Can you find them in the sun, shining on the earth?”

“We do not know what you mean,” the Pokemon said.

“Where can the essence of wind be found? What if you cut and cut the air, chopping it as finely as you can, but no essence of wind is to be had? How will you replace the essence that goes missing from your bodies?”

“We do not know,” the Pokemon repeated.

“Where can eggs be found? When they stop appearing when you will them to, where will your children be found? What organ in your bodies can grow them now?”

“We do not know.”

“Where can hit points be found? If the gift happens to add wrongly and your hit points wrap into the negative, who will fix the error?”

“We do not know, but surely we will never need to know.”

“When you reach the end of your lifespan but do not wish to die, where will your hope be found? Cancer, infection, painful childbirth, nutritional deficiency, senility – these are all problems of matter, and by matter they may be solved; but what arrangement of matter will stop you from dying when Yveltal wills it?”

“You are arrogant,” said the Pokemon, “to say those curses can be done away with by your will. If it is true that the gifts of the gods will not last forever, then surely their curses will last even longer.”

They had nothing more to say to each other. Human and Pokemon departed from that place, forever changed.

And, as for who was right? Which of their kind was doomed to extinction, and which would live on, at least for a while? If you want to know, look around you.

Then count up the number of humans you see,






















and compare that to the number of Pokemon.