Pokémon When Life is Just Re-VOLT-ing

[StellarWind]

Written as a parody on all those Mewtwo angst fics that were all the rage back when this was written. Ever wondered why Voltorbs blow themselves up of their own free will?
Exactly.
(Apologies to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.)

~*~​

It was yet another day at New Mauville – utterly indiscernible from any other day at New Mauville, save for one thing. On this particular day, a trainer was walking through the darkened halls with one purpose in mind - to shut down the generator, as he was bid to do by Wattson, Mauville City's Gym Leader. Taking the local electric-types into no consideration, the trainer determinedly made his way towards the generator room.

One of the things he took into no consideration was a random Voltorb who used Selfdestruct, causing some minor damage to one of his Pokémon. And since this is not quite an abnormal behavior for a Voltorb, the trainer did not take much time to come to terms with the Voltorb's existence as a Voltorb before having to come to terms with it not being a Voltorb anymore.

This is what went through the Voltorb's mind before it self-destructed:

Like many others of my kind, I was 'born'... Born? Pah! As if an artificial being like I is even worthy of the term 'born'! I suppose you could say I was ‘manufactured’, but why in the world would anyone bother to manufacture one like me, I don’t know. Maybe it's because I'm so simple looking? Meh, like anyone cares anyhow.

So anyway, I somehow ended up being aware. And believe me, it's not easy being aware when you're really just an electrically-powered pile of metal with eyes. I have no idea just where the hell I was, but it wasn't pretty. Y'know the routine: flashing lights, metallic arms, all of that horribly uninteresting stuff. And to add insult to injury, there was like a million of us over there, too! And we all looked the same. Can you imagine how depressing that is, to know that you're just one in a million? Why, I was so frustrated I had to let some of it out or I was going to burst right there! So, I zapped one of them birds that just used to sit there and peck at the wires. The next thing I know, I get knocked off the manufacturing line by a bunch of REALLY sharp beaks. It HURT! You may think that we're only balls of metal but we have feelings too, you know! So, I zapped them again and again until they were pretty much well-done. And that made me feel better.

For a few seconds, then I realized I was hungry.

Now, for YOU guys, eating isn't a problem – you just find something edible, shove it in your mouth, chew, swallow, EAT. That’s it. No big deal, right? But do you think our makers were considerate enough to give us a mouth? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. They only gave us eyes! As if those pathetic camera things can count as eyes, I mean. Oh, and speaking of which, they could have at LEAST given us some, y’know, legs or something so we wouldn't have to bounce around like idiots. But I guess that’s too much to ask, is it? Bloody typical.

So here I am, bouncing around like an idiot, looking for something to eat... and then I realize that the door I just jumped through wasn't a door – it was a window, and here I am falling right into the middle of the freakin' OCEAN. Now, I don't like water. I REALLY don't like water, but do you think I had a call on the matter? NO! I'm just a stupid little glowing ball, after all! So, then I find myself drifting. I was beginning to wonder when I would end up as Sharpedo bait, but it turns out that even the SHARPEDOES didn't want to get near me! So what if I've got a little static electricity around me? Am I really this horrible?

… So a few days pass and I'm still at sea. Wanna know how I amused myself? Watching fish get eaten by bigger fish. It's not like I needed to breathe or something, and with my eyes constantly rolling in and out of the water… it's annoying but is there anything else to do in the middle of this freakin' ocean? Nothing! And of course by then I'm getting INSANELY hungry. So I sigh and get ready to give up when suddenly this big-ass Gyarados rears its ugly head and looks me right in the eyes.

Now, not that I mind Gyarados, but I DO mind being thrown out of the water into a bunch of rather sharp rocks by a crazy tail blow, which is just what the damn thing did. Typical. No mercy. Nobody likes the electric ball!

Anyway, after I peeled meself off the rocks (getting some scratches on my paintwork too. Meh.) I just so happen to notice some sign with some weird letters on it. So I roll in, figuring, what the hell, anything's better than rotting on this beach - and surprise! I run into a pack of FLOATING balls. And they've got stuff stuck to them and only one big eye. So I go "Hey, Cyclops, where the heck am I?" and the thing just ROLLS ITS EYE at me and tells one of its floating friends "Guess what, 'mate. We've got another one. Welcome to New Mauville, kid. Now scram."

New Mauville? What the heck? That's the silliest name I've ever heard. Great, I'm stuck for eternity in a place with a silly name and full of obnoxious floating bastards.

So, I bounce off looking for food when I accidentally trip and fall on something green. Then I realize the door behind me just CLOSED ITSELF! WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME! And then I just happen to feel something interesting. So I bounce off in its general direction and run into – surprise, surprise - a BIG MACHINE. Now, I have no freakin' idea what it is, but I didn't feel so hungry anymore. Maybe it was the fact that I was just hit by a bolt of lightning generated by that thing and when you're hit by one you don't really think of food. Or maybe that lightning WAS food. Whatever it was, it STILL hurt. Things we do to survive, eh?

So time CONTINUES passing, and I'm getting used to the situation. Bounce around, get zapped, bounce around, rinse and repeat - how bloody boring do you think that can get? I'd ask the other ones like me but they don't care about me. All they care about is themselves and how miserable THEY are. And now YOU come along and think that if you took out Cyclops and those obnoxious chums of its then you have the right to turn off the zapping-thingy and break my routine?! It's depressing, yes, but won't you even bother to ASK me first?! WHY?! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE?!

Bah, screw you guys, I don't care anymore. I'm out of here. See you in hell.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the trainer's mind when the Voltorb self-destructed was 'Oh No, Not Again'.

 

[Negrek]

This story is giving me serious flashbacks to an extremely silly PMD fic idea I had a long while ago... after a discussion of what the worst pokémon to be turned into would be. Obviously you have your classic magikarp, caterpie, that sort of thing, but ultimately it would really have to be voltorb, wouldn't it? No arms, no legs, no mouth (how are you even going to communicate), and if the pokédex is to be believed, randomly exploding if you happen to hit the slightest bump in the road. Voltorb has the worst of all worlds, really; not iconic enough to be a meme pokémon like magikarp or diglett, but with bizarre anatomy and physiology that seems like it would seriously hamper its day-to-day life.

You're definitely channeling the terrible life of a voltorb, and the resulting unbridled anger, with this story. It's been a long time since I've read Hitchiker's Guide, so I'm not totally sure what section this is riffing off (the bit with the whale that gets turned into a pot of flowers, or however that went?), but I can definitely see the inspiration in terms of the overall tone, the over-the-top bitterness and anger and subsequent explosion. You do a nice job of mimicking that style.

This voltorb is a fun character, both outrageous (and outraged) and terribly self-absorbed, and I like how you explore all the little injustices of being a voltorb. I think the narrative style would have gotten tedious if this story had gone on for longer, but as a short piece it's a fun diversion. Not a ton to say here, but this is a neat, creative look at a deeply unappreciated (well, maybe for a reason) pokémon, and a nicely bite-sized story that does what it needs to do without overstaying its welcome. Nicely done!

 

[DeliriousAbsol]

You had me when you apologised to HItchiker's Guide to the Galaxy! This was a fantastic, hilarious read. And I'm gonna second Negrek that it's clearly inspired by the falling whale and vase! One of the best moments in the movie, imo! I just love how the Voltorb goes on ranting about all the injustices in its life, only for the trainer to think 'Oh no. Not again.' (I can relate more to the trainer, however. After fighting so many exploding/self destructing pokemon!) But of course, we never stop to think about what they're going through, do we? Maybe I shall remember this whenever I have to fight a voltorb in the future.

It was a colourful journey of the voltorb to New Mauville that would have worked very well as a silly comic strip. The gyarados 'getting rid' of it was brilliant! I did enjoy this short and silly sketch. And let's face it... the voltorb was definitely the Pokemon equivalent of Marvin the Paranoid Android ;)

All that was missing was a polite, sighing door.

 

[StellarWind]

Thankye both for your comments! ^^

Can confirm - it is indeed the whale/bowl of petunias scene that I riffed off of in the intro/ending lines for this thing. I couldn't help it (especially the final line, because - yes, exact same sentiment re: exploding/self-destructing 'mon).

This is a pretty old fic by now, so I'm a bit hazy about the creative process that went behind it aside from "Ye gods, there are so many Mewtwo angst fics. So many". "What is the most ridiculous species I could parodize those with?" and then "... Voltorb. It's even prone to self-destruction. Perfect." and just letting my mind run pretty much on full cartoon mode - and the next thing I know, there was a Voltorb subjected to ridiculousness and complaining about it all the way through while whining about how nobody cares and no one understands. Definitely would have been tedious if the joke was stretched for too long (characters with no depth but complaining and self pity do not good viewpoint characters make in a more serious work, for sure) - but that's why it was intended as and written as a short silly thing, after all. Honestly, quite on brand with Voltorb encounters in places like New Mauville - They get tedious after a while, were it not for them typically ending abruptly and explosively. xD

All that was missing was a polite, sighing door.

New Mauville's doors were many things - but polite, they were not.
They should have been, but that's the nature of puzzle-doors for you. For every door that had been programmed to open and close with a feeling of self-satisfaction for a job well done, and gratitude for those allowing it to gain some sense of fulfilment in pursuit of its Life's Great Purpose, there have been countless others that seemed to revel in blocking the way of would-be explorers, forcing them to run from one colour-coded switch to another like a Rattata in a maze, while the local synthetic population exploded around them.

Some doors just liked watching the world burn.

Wattson himself, of course, never bothered to program the local doors with anything as sophisticated as an artificial intelligence - Intelligence, artificial or otherwise, was not exactly a factor in the design of New Mauville's floor plan. Whether or not the local doors developed their own particular sense of spite over years, through the same esoteric process that eventually created new Pokémon species out of common household objects, or whether this was simple projection on part of aforementioned would-be explorers, is a topic for another time.

 

[DeliriousAbsol]

New Mauville's doors were many things - but polite, they were not.
They should have been, but that's the nature of puzzle-doors for you. For every door that had been programmed to open and close with a feeling of self-satisfaction for a job well done, and gratitude for those allowing it to gain some sense of fulfilment in pursuit of its Life's Great Purpose, there have been countless others that seemed to revel in blocking the way of would-be explorers, forcing them to run from one colour-coded switch to another like a Rattata in a maze, while the local synthetic population exploded around them.

Some doors just liked watching the world burn.

Wattson himself, of course, never bothered to program the local doors with anything as sophisticated as an artificial intelligence - Intelligence, artificial or otherwise, was not exactly a factor in the design of New Mauville's floor plan. Whether or not the local doors developed their own particular sense of spite over years, through the same esoteric process that eventually created new Pokémon species out of common household objects, or whether this was simple projection on part of aforementioned would-be explorers, is a topic for another time.

Good grief do I love the way you write! This made me legit chuckle! XD

You're welcome! =D Keep up the good work! I'll have to check out your other 'fics!