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Pokémon Wailord Sus

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The Walrein

Il faut cultiver notre jardin
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Wailord Sus

Far out in the open ocean, a Wailord was approaching a large school of krill, mouth open eagerly. She made a sharp turn to the left to better align herself for the final run, and-

“Ahhhhh!” The Wailord screamed as she came face to face with a skeletal version of herself, hovering in the water column like a ghastly apparition.

“Hello, Wailord. Guess what I found on the bottom of the sea today?” a deep voice boomed. Wailord then realized that the skeleton wasn’t just floating there, but was being held in between the flippers of a massive (though not quite as much as her) blue and white Pokemon with red markings.

“L-lord Kyogre! You startled me! Wh- why are you carrying a Wailord skeleton?”

Kyogre eyed her sharply. “Ah, so this is a skeleton of your species! I have to say, those fin bones look awfully strange for a sea creature. Looks like we’ve got ourselves a humerus, an ulna, a radius, phalanges… just like a mammal paw would have. Why, it’s almost as if you’re some sort of land animal thinly disguised as a fish!”

“I- I don’t understand what you’re implying, lord,” Wailord said, as she nervously backswam a few feet away.

“The fact that you breathe air, the rumors I’ve been hearing about you fraternizing with a Skitty, those mysterious low-frequency calls you keep making to communicate with someone miles away, and now this bone thing. It’s all starting to add up, Wailord.” The red lines on Kyogre’s back were starting to softly glow with an ominous golden light. “Is there any reason to believe you aren’t just a spy for Groudon who’s been selling him all of my precious sea secrets?”

“Lord Kyogre, please! All of those things have perfectly reasonable explanations, I swear!” Wailord pleaded.

“I’m listening...”

“To start with, I don’t have a mammalian skeletal structure! No, the truth is that all the mammals have Wailordian skeletons! My species came up with the design first, and then they all copied it from me! Think about it – it’s well-established fact that life originated in the sea first, so naturally you’d expect that the landies would’ve just taken a lot of our ideas with them when they moved out.”

“Is that so? Why use such a complicated fin structure when just a few spines work so well for everyone else?”

“Well, uh, when you’re as large as I am, you really need that extra support in your flip- fins to push that water around! Need more than just a few measly spines to move this big bod!” Wailord made several vigorous flipper flaps to demonstrate.

Kyogre gave her a distinctly unimpressed look. “I see. And what about the air-breathing? Not a good look for a supposed ocean-dweller.”

“Oh, that? I breathe air so I can better spy for you, my lord! See, every now and then, I heave myself up onto the beach so I can take a look at what Groudon’s been up to! Gotta be able to survive out of water for those extended espionage missions!”

“Really. I assume you have some valuable intel from these ‘espionage missions’ for me, then?”

If it was possible for her to sweat, Wailord would’ve been doing so that moment. “Uh… well… I’ve noticed that Groudon’s been stockpiling a lot of sand on the shores! Just disgustingly huge amounts of it, stretching out in every direction! I shudder to think of what Groudon could be planning to do with it all. Who knows, maybe he’s going to turn it into vast quantities of glass to make giant aquarium tanks to imprison all of us in!”

“So you’ve discovered that beaches have sand on them. Anything else?”

“Umm… well, my lord, I don’t like pointing flip- fins at people, but I can’t help but notice that Krabby sure seem to go on land a lot for supposed ocean creatures. Very suspicious, my lord. I’d keep an eye on them if I were you.”

Kyogre snorted, water spraying out of his mouth with enough force that Wailord could feel it several yards away. “Ah, so when you go onto land, you’re valiantly spying on the enemy, but when Krabby do it, it’s suspicious?”

“That’s right, my lord! Just look at how differently the humans – Groudon’s foremost lackeys – treat us! When they spy me out on land, they try to shove me back into the water as soon as possible, but they take Krabby even further inland, doubtlessly so they can give reports to high-ranking officers deep in Groudon’s mountain fortresses.”

“Mmm-hmm. And what about those rumors regarding you and a certain pink, land-dwelling cat Pokemon?”

“Nothing but outrageous lies and slander, my lord!” Wailord declared, punctuating her exclamation with a furious pump of her tail. “I wouldn’t give any land creature the time of day, much less get into a relationship with one of them! Why, I refuse to even talk to Shellder just because they sit on the seafloor all the time, and sitting on a solid surface makes them too much like land creatures for my taste!”

“Very well. I assume you also have an explanation for those strange low-frequency utterances, then?”

“Well… look around you, my lord. Do you see any other Wailord around here?”

Kyogre briefly glanced about. “No.”

“Exactly! See, because we’re so large, us Wailord really have to spread out to find food, so we need a way to communicate with each other at long distances. We considered using cell phones, but then we realized that, although the phone companies would like to have us believe that the whole system runs through satellites sitting in nice, neutral outer space, the reality is that most calls go through cell towers sitting on land. And I’ve definitely never seen a cell tower underwater.

However, because sound travels much faster in water than in air, the land-dwellers' ears are way too slow to hear anything we’re singing to each other, so our communications are totally secure.”

“Hmm...” Kyogre hmmed. “I suppose that does make some sense… I have to say Wailord, all of your answers seemed kind of shaky, but I guess you did at least have explanations for all your sus qualities. Hmmmm…” Wailord waited nervously as Kyogre continued to ponder, slowly swimming back and forth in front of her. “...All right, you’re off the hook. For now. I think I’m gonna go check out that Relicanth guy next. His fins look pretty weird, and he doesn’t have the excuse of being huge like you are.”

“Yes! Thank you for your trust in me, my lord!” Wailord cheered. “Now, if there’s nothing else you need from me, I do believe I have some krill to eat.” Kygore grunted dismissively, which Wailord took as her cue to turn and swim away.

Then Kyogre’s voice rang across the water, and Wailord froze. “Wait. What’s that thing wrapped around your midsection?” Looking at her from behind, Kyogre could now see a thin, almost transparent wire encircling the center of Wailord’s body. It appeared to be tied to a similar line stretched taut deep into the water below, beyond Kyogre’s sight.

“Oh, there’s something- Wow, I totally didn’t notice that!” Wailord said, feeling at the line with her flippers. “Must be a bit of human fishing line I got tangled up in somehow. No worries, I’ll get it off later.”

“Here, let me help you with that,” Kygore said, approaching her.

“Um, don’t feel like you need to spend your time on little old me, my lord! Really, it’s nothing I can’t take care of myself-”

Kyogre opened his mouth and shot a blade of sharpened water at the line trailing beneath Wailord, severing it. The instant the cord broke, Wailord shot straight upwards, rapidly ascending through the water column until she breached the surface with a massive splash.

Then, to Kyogre’s continued shock, she kept going, rising higher and higher into the air until her lighter-than-air blimp body came to rest floating just beneath a thick bank of clouds thousands of feet up. A draconic green head poked out of a cloud.

“Agent Wailord! You’re reporting in early. Did you discover any urgent sea secrets?” Rayquaza asked.

“Abort, abort! I’ve been compromised!” Wailord said, shaking her fins frantically. “The heavier-than-water decoy skeletons were a bad idea!”

Beneath her, Kyogre swam to the surface of the water, and yelled at Rayquaza with enough force to be heard a mile away. “Rayquaza! You’ve been spying on me!?”

Rayquaza sighed and descended to talk with Kyogre at a more reasonable distance. “Look, Kyogre, I have a careful balance of power to maintain here. Ever since Groudon started spying on you, I also had to if I didn’t want to fall behind!”

“You should’ve started spying on him, then!” Kyogre spluttered.

“Oh, I have been, don’t worry.” Rayquaza cupped a clawed hand to their mouth and spoke to Kyogre in a conspiratorial hush. “I’ve discovered that some of Groudon’s ‘rocks’ are actually just highly-compacted sand, which means he has a huge amount of it combined with his beach stockpiles. Makes you wonder what he’s intending to do with it all. Maybe he’s planning on melting it into glass and making a huge number of telescopes to steal all my sky secrets, who knows!”

“I know that Groudon has a lot of sand! So what? I also have tons and tons of sand!”

“Whoa, really? Wailord, why didn’t you tell me about this!? We’ve a got a sand gap on our hands here!”

“Er, it didn’t seem very important compared to all the other resource gaps we have with the ocean,” Wailord said. “They’ve got more rocks than the sky, more salt, more water, more plants, more animals, more of everything, really.”

“Unacceptable!” Rayquaza roared. “Look, Kyogre, maybe we can cut a deal here. I’ll stop spying on you in exchange for regular sand shipments. Wailord can lower some buckets into the sea for you to fill up.”

“Fine,” Kyogre snapped. “Not like I really needed it all anyways.”

“Great! Us legendaries of fluid-based realms have to stick together, you know!”

“Aren’t you always telling Groudon that you air-breathing legendaries have to stick together?” Nevertheless, Kyogre extended a flipper for Rayquaza to shake. After working out some further details, the two departed to attend to other business.

Wailord looked around. She was alone. With a flick of her fore-flipper, she extended a switchblade strapped to its underside and cut through a second, even harder to notice cord wrapped around her, and quickly began to rise into the sky. Soon, she exited the planet’s atmosphere entirely, coming to a halt in outer space. A blue and red head poked out from behind an orbiting asteroid.

“Agent Wailord! You’re here just on time!” Deoxys said telepathically.

“All is going according to plan, my lord,” Wailord thought back. “Rayquaza has been convinced that they need to stop Groudon from building telescopes to protect their ‘sky secrets’, preventing Groudon from ever learning about our space secrets. Kyogre had no objection to my characterization of outer space as ‘neutral’ territory, nor did he disagree with my assertion that the humans were Groudon’s foremost agents.”

“Yes, yes, good,” Deoxys hissed. “Soon, we will be unstoppable-”

In a flash of light, Mew teleported alongside the two. A big poofy pom-pom was attached to her tail with three smaller yellow pom-poms extending out from it on toothpicks, and she was wearing an earband with large tufted ears over her regular ears.

“Hi Wailord! Just checking in to see if Kyogre bought my Skitty disguise,” Mew telepathized cheerfully. “Also, did you learn anything more about what Deoxys is up to? Hey, why are you waving your flippers like that-”

THE END
 
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Venia Silente

For your ills, I prescribe a cat.
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Honestly, you got me with the title already.

This is a review for RB2022, because I thought this story was far too interesting and -ahem- massive a potential to let pass!

The story opens in the most annoying biome imaginable for any Minecraft player: water! 8.8/10 too much water, certainly, but a Wailord seems not to mind.

Also, I like it that we basically open with this scene from Prehistoric Planet:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9GPD-iU1I8
.

Except rather than a live competitor, what surprises our Wailors sus protag is the apparition of a ghastly, skeletal Wailord!

Skeletal Wailord: "I am the phantom of Cretaceous past!"
Wailord: "And I'm gonna go look for a future outta here!" o_o

“L-lord Kyogre! You startled me! Wh- why are you carrying a Wailord skeleton?”
Well, that's one way of using some good intimidation and keeping lesser Pokémon obeiant without resorting to "ya know, I'm a Legendary". But Suocéverse Kyogre would def not resort to something as intelligent as this.

Also, with the idea of opening with skeletons you could have fooled me into thinking this was a Halloween story... hang on I'm gonna check the release date.

> oct 19

Yup, we good.

Kyogre: "it’s almost as if you’re some sort of land animal thinly disguised as a fish!”
Ooooh so THAT's where we're going with this! You know, it's quite an interesting angle to take. Makes me wonder what does Kyogre think of Piplup, who *are* technically birds, hence dinosaurs.

But yeah, Wailord being VERY sus at this moment. Dunno how much about (Darwinian!) evolutionary theory and paleobiology do Wailord and Kyogre even know to have a reasonable (or not) conversation abut this, but we shall see!

“Lord Kyogre, please! All of those things have perfectly reasonable explanations, I swear!” Wailord pleaded.

“I’m listening...”
I am too! I am so glad I clicked on this... :p

So basically Wailord starts listing a number of factoid-facts that boy are we glad that the Pokémon knows, and Kyogre is gonna believe them. Even though technically I believe in a Pokéverse this idea of Wailords coming up with the design first would be actually closer to the truth than in our meatspace but hey! it works.

Also, regarding that:

Wailord: "No, the truth is that all the mammals have Wailordian skeletons!"
Eltenios from land: "I'm not fat!"

Next up comes the flip— fin structure and this is lots more sound. Besides, Kyogre can't really call it a bluff considering it's likely a fair portion of Kyogre's motion capability comes from energy circulation, as we have seen in Generations that it can actually fly or levitate. So yeah, Kyogre is sus, Wailord is fine!

Wailord: “Oh, that? I breathe air so I can better spy for you, my lord!

Oh this is reading very Little Hood and the Wolf :p

Wailord: "Who knows, maybe he’s going to turn it into vast quantities of glass to make giant aquarium tanks to imprison all of us in!”

You know, I *could* believe Groudon would do this. For starters, he *can* literally burn sand into glass. For seconds, make it bigh / tall enough and it'll also be somewhat of a bother for Rayyyylmao.

“Mmm-hmm. And what about those rumors regarding you and a certain pink, land-dwelling cat Pokemon?”

Oh noes! Hot Skitty on Wailord Action! DUN DUN DUUUUN.

A pretty good callback to an ancient good meme, and here it is of use. Wailord has a very believable response for it, then again, why would Kyogre even believe a tale like this lol.

....Hmmm....

....wait...

Is Kyogre spending time on Reddit via the cross-oceanic internet wires????

Would be a good justification for the random witch hunts if he's been going on r/conspiracytheory or smth..

Wailord: "Why, I refuse to even talk to Shellder just because they sit on the seafloor all the time, and sitting on a solid surface makes them too much like land creatures for my taste!”

D-did Wailord just pull a "don't act too Fictional!Black" card? ._. I mean it is a smart thing to do in these circumstances if Kyogre reads like I feel like it reads, but.

Next comes up all that beautiful whale singing.

Kyogre: “Very well. I assume you also have an explanation for those strange low-frequency utterances, then?”

Maaan, maaaan I don't know what to tell you but Kyogre, fam, have you tried seeing in deep sea? I'm quite surprised most of your serf that we know of in the Pokédex even HAVE eyes! Of course something like sound is going to be necessary.

Though æsthetically speaking, I'm not really pro marine Pokémon having huuuuge flappy ears. I think I'm with Wailord here on telling you to letting this one slide.

Just regulate the equivalent to the 2.4/5.0GHz spectrum for underwater usage and we're golden. After all, we don't want to be spammed by ads at 2 km depth, do we?


Wailord: "However, because sound travels much faster in water than in air, the land-dwellers' ears are way too slow to hear anything we’re singing to each other, so our communications are totally secure.”

See, even Wailord promotes E2E encryption! And way ahead of the tech curve for humans, too.

Also, does this mean Wailords are up to something? I seem to remember there was once a social media platform that used a whale as a secondary logo...

Kyogre: "Okay Wailord, you are temporarily less sus."
Wailord: "Yay!" ^_^
Kyogre: "Temporarily."
Well, you can't please everyone, but pleasing somewhat a bringer of storms and tsunamis can't be bad.

Kyogre: "I think I’m gonna go check out that Relicanth guy next. "

Kyogre no!!! Come on, Relicanth has been here since... well, since around your *other* serfs went extinct!

But yeah it's sounding like Kyogre is quite the hard master to please. One could say it comes with an entire sea of problems eh?

I'm seeing myself out.

Anyway, Kyogre notices a cord, which I'm gonna guess was Wailord's internet cable (gotta pull those factoids from somewhere!), and cuts it. And as a result Wailord goes flying uuuuup?????

Omg... Wailord *is* lighter than air! Finally one "Pokédex written by a 10 yr old kid" entry checks out! SCIENCE HAS DONE IT!!!

Hopefully there is a way to rescue old little Wailord!

A draconic green head poked out of a cloud.

“Agent Wailord! You’re reporting in early. Did you discover any urgent sea secrets?” Rayquaza asked.
What? WHAAAAATTT???

She's been fooling us this entire time!!!! Oh my god this was a good one.

So it turns out, oh my god, that Groudon was spying on Kyogre so Rayquaza found out about this and put Wailord to work to spy on Kyogre TOO? Omg omg this is like one of those silly post-Cold War espionage shows, to no end.

Also brings the question, *who* is spying on Kyogre for Groudon? DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Rayquaza: "Maybe he’s planning on melting it into glass and making a huge number of telescopes to steal all my sky secrets, who knows!”

You know, that is a better use for all that sand than, well, a giant aquarium. Rayquaza, don't give Groudon ideas!

With a bit of Wailord's intervention, Kyogre and Groudon decide to cut a deal.

“Great! Us legendaries of fluid-based realms have to stick together, you know!”

“Aren’t you always telling Groudon that you air-breathing legendaries have to stick together?” Nevertheless, Kyogre extended a flipper for Rayquaza to shake.
Yup, definitively like one of those silly post-Cold War comedies! Reminds me a bit of Get Smart, even. Man, that was a good show.

(Suocéverse Ray is *definitively* not cutting any deals like this one)

Anyway, now that there is a bit of a Cuban truce between the two factions, I guess Wailord can find a means to get back to the ocean. She cuts a cord which I presume opens a parachute or someth— wait what she's going even more up???

She's up to outer space and breathing???

Wailord: "I am the darkness of the sea. I'm justice. I'm BATMAN."

See, only Batman and Wailord can breathe out in space, and since I have never seen both of them together at the same time...


A blue and red head poked out from behind an orbiting asteroid.

“Agent Wailord! You’re here just on time!” Deoxys said telepathically.
whAAAAAAAAAT??? Like, I mean, WHAAAAATTTTT???

She's TRULY been fooling ALL of us this ENTIRE time????

So it turns out Ray was somewhat right about the telescopes being a threat, just not in the way he expected. This has been all an entire disarmment ploy so Deoxys keeps the strategic high ground and Wailord is well read in on the plans and an executor on them as well.

Can't say I expected that one. But hey, as they say, space is an ocean! But at least now we know Wailord's true allegi—

In a flash of light, Mew teleported alongside the two. A big poofy pom-pom was attached to her tail with three smaller yellow pom-poms extending out from it on toothpicks, and she was wearing an earband with large tufted ears over her regular ears.

“Hi Wailord! Just checking in to see if Kyogre bought my Skitty disguise,” Mew telepathized cheerfully. “Also, did you learn anything more about what Deoxys is up to? Hey, why are you waving your flippers like that-”
WHAAAAAAAT??? The very WHAAAAAAT????

What even is going on anymore? My entire life has been a LIE??? It was all a ruse to blame land-dwellers the entire time? Or is Mew the one who is in the hot Wailord action???

Omg... WHO IS EVEN *ACTUALLY* SPYING FOR GROUDON????

This story has been a ride from start to finish. I had the impression when I read the very title that this could be a thing to remember and boy was I right. Very enjoyable, very good hooks, quite good characterization and the general vibe and silliness of it, and I feel like I'm left with more questions than answers? And Wailord is secretly either a mastermind or having very good sex?

Like sure it is!!!! I still want to know who is spying for Groudon lol.

Pretty good and light story and it leaves me wanting to read more on this particular genre. Kinda sus plot-wise in the beginning... as expected. :p
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
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I'm upset that I knew what this was going to be about within the first few paragraphs and the title. I suppose it also helps that I'm familiar with the authors sort of humor when it comes to this sort of story.

All things considered I'd very easily recommend your work of this genre to people who aren't really familiar with fanfiction and aren't looking for anything too serious, but also want to see the sort if meta humor that pokemon has be out to proper stories. It's probably going to date itself in a few years though when Among Us falls out of style if that hadn't happened already, but hey, it's still fun in the now.

But then comes the actual twist and I'm genuinely impressed. I actually didn't even think about the recursive shitpost when I really should have. I don't even know how to comment further on this one, only that it was really good, and you even ended with an exponentially shorter distance from twist to twist until the very end. It was just the right kind of escalation of absurdity.

I think what I appreciate the most about this particular story is the fact that it toyed with my knowledge that Wailord is so light that he actually wouldn't end at the clouds, and that tiny bit of mega joke knowledge was enough to make the secondary twist understandable as well as ding myself for not considering it sooner.
Very good job overall for such a short and well constructed shitpost. The only critique I can consider is that perhaps the first volley of suspicions with Kyogre had gone on for maybe one or two exchanges too long.
I think your stories are very often underappreciated and underestimated for their length and silliness, but there's a lot of cleverness that goes behind the construction of the joke. And for that I want to commend you for doing it so well this time.
 

K_S

Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
Wailord sus
Blitz review


Love how wailord it just going about its day. Cheerily floating along and going in for a bite before kygore pulls a "lookie what i found!" With a body... Then cue suspicion from oceans originator as a wailord body is waved about and its spouting evolution bone structure chains. It gets more illogical as it goes a d wail dodges like a champ with the krabby theroy... But still its insane..

I loved the nods to the skitty joke... You do have to wonder what nintendo is thinking when they put it in and kept it in the mainline games. And the fact that wail is, by conspiricy theroy (and nintendo game events for some reason) a water whale, land whale, and space whale (granted the first event of that was the star fox snes version) still thats a whale with many hats on her big head.

Wailords dodge... Sand of all things.. Sadly holds water for kygore... And sadly rayquizila? The legends conspiricy theroys are hilarious and wailords more flimsy excuses are definitly worth a chuckle. As the legend count rises you can hear wails desperation follow in turn. This is one unlucky whale and then some. I almost want to know the origin story of all these legend aliences came to be because this day in the life entangled in them is hilarious.

Also in closing so much for mews omnicipent image... Its gone into the blender. And i'm a little disapointed not yo hear the whole of deox's scheming.
 
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