Pokémon Trading Card Game 2: Doduo Adventures (Complete)

[K_S]

Chapter 14 and 15 complete!



It's Mark isnt it? Thats the only reason Mint doesn't just deck the big bad until he creis uncle.

Eww this adds a squick twist to "and we shall rule together" doesn't it.

Mind bleach mind bleach!

So random thought, due to his fixation with doduos shedding I suspect Mark might be a little allergic to the turkeys feathers. If thats the case would doduo sitting on Mark solve the big bad problem?

Wait where is doduo because i remember it running ahead...

Wait, I thought Mint already knew it was Mark? Oh well, (dully) surprise?

Ah but will the subscription cancel out when Mr. Dark's credit card inevitibly expires, therefore nullifying the auto update?

I'm sorry... Can you tell i'm one of those that lives to crash big bad monologues? I'd say its a bad trait but it keeps me easily amused.

Wonder why Axel didnt see any of this go down and warn Mint though?

Thank goodness Mint wasn't taken, she is fit enough to be a threat just by socking people... Mark's (to put it nicely) a bit of a wuss, so even if the big bad does win, a brisk walking speed will keep the masses safe.

Until they get suckered into duels.

share in some of my power and glory.

Like he shared with Seth and Trish, who he ditched and left wildly underpowere for incoming threats?. Does it come with a goth makeover, and can you say no to it?
Because dresscode like that is a crime...

Whats the fiscal conversion rate to power and glory?

I'm sorry, I cant help myself...

"He already has my gentleman! If I can't get him back, Cypress is all that remains! If I give myself to him, I can have everything I could ever want! Maybe I could even live forever at his side? Even if i can beat him and my gentleman returns to me, we will both eventually age and die! Look at how smart he is to have arranged all this! He called me beautiful and strong. He acknowledges me! He hasn't shown me any hostility and will let me rule with him! What lies beyond the nexus? What future will he weave? It would be so easy if I accept. Isn’t my sense of power just misguided? He can beat this deck I have even though it should lose to nothing! If I yield to him, he could handle and direct everything. He would take charge and I would only need to serve him. Life as a pet of a man that smart and powerful could be a paradise..."

... i'd actually argue that him taking over gentleman and with Mint's naturally firey temper that you could nix her dispair and waffling. It feels wildly out of character for her. What temptation is there? Living by a shell of a man who wears her loved ones face? The insult seems likenitnwould be prod enough (living in perpetual hostage situation) to infuriate her.

What if his plans are bad?

Considering murder of multiple peoples identities is an acceptible starting point for Mr. Dark I'd say his plans are, as a whole, probably going to be bad.

What if everything suffers from it?

See above....

If she hits him again it'd definitly be by her hands... just saying....

How is he able to dictate the rules of this duel as a final boss? So Clair's efforts are a dues ex mechanica, that works?

Huh interesting to see MothZapper being used against the protags. I'm surprised he didnt god-mode a different deck in but considering she's been with Mark for so long she should know its ins and outs...

Right...

Hopefully?

Not-Mark pulled a Flowey I see, screwing with time. And not-Mark is screwing with her head. Wonder how his powers work through a concussion? Mint could test that. Marks a very understanding
Gentleman...

If you keep them talking sometimes you get acess to a weakness ala smaug and the snail shell convo...

Everything he said made me want to vomit, but I realized that more information was unlikely to make things worse so I listened while he continued.

"One of the things I learned from the Progenitor during my time as a researcher was of the existence of a seemingly simple book that the Progenitor references to render our entire world at the time of the last entry! -

I fixed a missed paragraph break for you here...

Eventually somones going to need a snack break or bathroom break. And if he only remembers he's going to get bored really fast... just saying...

Burn the book. He cant reset if theres no book to reset from.

Well we got the meta rules of the game now. Fun times for Mints sanity up a head

As she takes on Cy' and tries to stall for team ghost'.

Wait until somone tells this lunitic about the mobile version of the trading card game... his mind will be blown.
I wonder how much bad data he got through that trick. Religious fanatics aren't usually discerning in their researxh. Cy' coukd have scalds of bad data (or even worthless fanish stuff roiling around upstairs due to this badly thought out system.

I must of missed doduo's proud return, but hey, he's here to ruin a few hands by taking nips or being chaotoc. Might buy Mint some time too.

But really, Cy' used godmode to bring forth the ultimate Turkey mon? Why not the Meowth line, or Persians! We could have a world with giant fluffy albino puma-kitties and he denied it to us! The monster!

I could make so many comments about stupidity and mobs. I wont. but know i'm thinking them.....

I think Cyrus and Cypress could form a "only i am perfect fanclub"... except in thier first mweting theyd get distracted in route to the meeting by a mirror.
Way he's going, the only person Cypress would be happy dueling is himself.
snorts. Mint pushing with that exact word choic us flashing me back to a five year old. I'm surprised Cy rolled with it to be honest.

I can see the writing on the wall. The fact that its gunna be Timmy that undoes this is hilarious...

Well thats one way to be woken up. And funnily enough its a neat reverse to how she joined the party. Nice tie in to the tales begining.

... of course he uses his last life to body hop to doduo... if only pokeballs were a thing... this would be over in seconds.
Theure going to have to card duel this bird aren't they... how is this going to work...
Do'Cy'duo is quite the headcase... and it also explains why it glued itaelf to Mark. Will this be a twin duel where Mark and Mint have to takw him down and winat once or...

Or Mint could dice and win. That works. Interesting that his wandering with Mark was a bit of a redemption arch.

With creepy stalker vibes...

But still a subdued redemption arch...
Doduo is such a creeper, ShiniGira would probably feel vindicated. Marks a sap. He's going to fall for these puppy eyes and sad violen noises... please be smarter then him Mint... please...

She's falling for it too... unnnng... nooo...
And Axel, the betrayal knows no bounds.
So.theyre going to get married after saving the world. Its a fun upbeat cap to an insane tale.

Overall it was a fun irrelevent read. Thanks for shaing and hopefully my feedback helped.

Post edit commentary:

Unsealing redo

You... did not... just alter a few terms and... (barks a laugh) so they open just like a super market door... and are decked out in a more gaudy manner than the kocal card collector/duel shop. That is both on the nose and hillarious all at once...

Revisiting the offer scene

Did anyone else weigh in on that or am i just that persuasive? Nice use of the antigrav tech to defang the direct skultion btw. Amd the chapter reads much easier w/o mints... ah... waffling. Looks nice.


(I've pegged both of these into the original fics review trail)

 

[133TFR33k]

chapter 8 review complete
Nice to see doduo has its heart set on grub. He takes after p.o.v. in that regard. Hm, how would food distribution be managed by two heads... much less two digestive tracks? Would the bird pull a lady and the tramp noodle slurp with itself...
The mind boggles.

Mentioned seems an odd word choice. He's talking to himself and mentioning is something you do to others... maybe mumbling would be a better choice?


A toddler... recalling certian call center schenanigans we might have our culprit..


Also where is the duel table in relation to the house? A porchside affair, a nook by the kitchen table where guests can scuffle then break for snacks. A mahogony monster of a center piece with indenter card nooks, plush seats, and a place of pride in the heart of the living room? Are the seats snug? Is p.i.v. able to sit cozily next to his (ill-advised for his health li?)
Is holding hands possible?
You know, little thoughts about setting leap to mind.
P.o.v. is having an aha moment i see.... good on him. He's also imagining all that cursed hold music, which fair too. Poor p.o.v. "Bill" and "not Bill" are going to break his brain.
Wonder if Bill copywrote his alternate identity, that'd only add to the madness.
It's interesting to see Bill try to wrangle with the morality of his amoral system and find a reasonable middle ground. Granted its working very slowly and lives are still getting ruined, but he found a good slow down tactic didn't he?
Still, some action between these huge chunks of text would be nice. Bill leaving to get drinks and coming back, his rant trailing behind him like a banner. Some heavy plopping into his seat... ohh hand wringing is a classic old-timey motion of woe.
Also, how's Mint reacting to all of this? Jaw dislocating, squirming with repressed questions, keeping tabs on the kid in the background?

Aww p.o.v. made a morality buddy. As long as Bill doesn't develop any agony seeking tendencies, we can call the man the "responsible mom friend" of the team.


Guessing p.o.v.s doduonis iv and ev enclined and took names and feathers during his last visit... fear is probably the safest reaction.
Doduo being the king of unsettling things and having 2 rowns to prove it likely isnt noticing the eldritch events like spontaneous card spawns and personal freak outs among its human retainers. He just carries on.


Wonder where gent is going to take her?

As for how Doduo eats... at least for my fic, both heads feel what happens to each head. This would include the sensation of taste. maybe i'll have the gentleman make some speculation about this somewhere in the fic.

Mumbled, yep I like that better than "mentioned". Edit done!

As for the toddler, you are right on the money there!

Good point on description lacking for the home. I went ahead and added a paragraph for it.

Good idea on interaction between the dialogue. I weaved some in. (I would have done so eventually anyway, but why not now while I am here looking at it) Its a Timmy tiny subplot playing with blocks with Mint. For some reason I am reminded of the Pikachu ketchup incident from the season 1 anime.

I guess Mint is easily distracted by kids and toddlers since she doesn't really chime in here. She didn't have much interaction with the Bill subplot anyway though.

 

[133TFR33k]

Chapter 9 review complete
So this is where I lose the ability to p.o.v. drop isnt it? My workaround had a good run, though I do wonder why you abstained from a name for so long...
Might as well milk it for its final run then.
Mint's priorities are weird... just saying... p.o.v. is taking her insanity like a champ. But then he has practice with his doduo.
I'd be a mite concerned about Mint being flirtatious. Seems a dangerous place to be, in her affections...
And Mints is the one with the group's sole brain cell, I fear for them. And the islands.
Out of curiosity, what made you decide to hook the two up?
So the p.o.v.'s gentleman class only allows namedrops during romance? How does he manage less insane interactions on the mainland. How does he order a pizza/takeout/or respond when people demand his name?


Single sentence my rear... I'm ignoring the run on for respecting the power of lols...


So if having no-name is a mark of being an npc, and npcs are the Dark side's pawns basically (like the doduo squad who are fixed characters in other ways), then... well it could lead to quite the exisentiental crisis and add some drama as to where his "real" loyalties lie...


On the other hoof... how in Hade's name did he buy a house? You know how much paperwork is involved? So many signatures... so much papers... How is he existing in basic society?

Well, at least Mint is enjoying herself...

It's got to be killing him. P.o.v. dropped a huge plot point and he's getting treated like a comedy hour... man's ego must be smarting.
Some paragraph breakdown errors that I fixed for you...


Does p.o.v. mention Axel's conflicting age? I'm surprised Mint didn't start giggling at that... I will give Mint's argument credit, this is convoluted enough that it's hard to disbelieve it.


Hmmm its a shame you didnt have a big readership on publishing. You could turn his naming into an onsite game. Perhaps if you a03 it?
Yeah I suspect it when her jealousy rolled out and she started counting ladies. When did you decide to play the pairing game?
Red? Oh dear... Would that count as multidimensional copyright infringment?
Funny how Gio and Grace have the exact same convo when naming Silver...
Family friend: "Colors are trendy?"
Grace: "absolutly not"
Gio: "we posess some taste"
Family friend: "but technically Silver is a-"
Gio: "its an alloy."
Snorts. Hows that leaning against the fourth wall treating you? Also have you seen the wand of gameion? Or just refering to the meme?
Its decided, p.o.v. is not allowed to name thier kids, pets, or internet surnames.
Mark? Well goodbye p.o.v. and hello Mark.
You know, 2/3rds of the story in...

So this is where I lose the ability to p.o.v. drop isnt it? My work around had a good run, though I do wonder why you abstained from a name for so long...

Reply to Chapter 9 Review

You would THINK that, but even with this chapter it STILL isn't set in stone lol!

Out of curiousity what made you decide to hook the two up?

In my brainstorming before writing Chapters 4 and 5 I realized I could set up a crazy situation with Mint waking up and from that I realized it would be the perfect excuse to add her as a traveling companion. I also at that point decided that she could potentially be the girl protagonist from the game just dressed up and in some makeup. Because she is the traveling companion and Mark is the protagonist of the story, it became a little like a standard Pokemon adventure when strangers decided to travel together for a long time. I loosely modeled Mint's personality after anime Misty but other than that I'm not too sure what other influences there were. I was always annoyed how the Pokemon anime lacked any real romance in it (or the franchise in general honestly) so I figured I would see if the two characters would be a fit for each other. Worst case scenario, she would take over the role of Doduo in upsetting Mark. The more I wrote, the more it seemed to click, so I decided to go with it because it seemed to be working. I did not set out to add romance to the story. It was a surprise even to myself.

So the p.o.v.'s gentleman class only allows namedrops during romance? How does he manage less insane interactions on the mainland. How does he order a pizza/takeout/or respond when people demand his name?

So here is the thing, Mark is the protagonist of the original game and a protagonist you can chose to play as in the second game. The player gets to name him though. Mark somehow bypassed the name selection screen and just goes about life as "The Gentleman" as a result. His namelessness is not the permanent and commonplace variety since he is not from Neo. Immigrants from Neo cannot have names or duel but Mark can and does duel. He doesn't just start existing once he chooses a name though. He has a past, present, and presumed future. So if he exists before he is named then it means he goes through at least a portion of his life before he is able to name himself. In his case, he just stretched it out way too far according to pretty much everyone.

Single sentence my rear... i'm ignoring the run on for respecting the power of lols...

Me too. :)

So if having no-name is a mark of being an npc, and npcs are the Dark side's pawns basically (like the doduo squad who are fixed chacters in other ways) then... well it could lead to quite the exisentiental crisis and add some drama as to where his "real" loyalties lie...

The fact that readers could think he might not should be trusted is an acceptable outcome here. I don't mind the audience guessing.

On the other hoof... how in Hade's name did he buy a house? You know how much paperwork is involved? So many signitures... so much papers... How is he existing in basic society?

A valid question but not everything in their world is a copy of how things work in our world. I suppose from this, you can infer that he was able to do it without one since he did.

As for Mark mentioning Axel's age, yes, I didn't want to rehash the entire explanation, so you can assume Mint knows everything Mark does about it. I don't know if she giggled about it or not. Maybe?

Hmmm its a shame you didnt have a big readership on publishing. You could turn his naming into an onsite game. Perhaps if you a03 it?

By this point, I already had a name picked out for Mark as the later chapters reveal.

Yeah I suspect it when her jealousy rolled out and she started counting ladies. When did you decide to play the pairing game?

I decided to attempt to play the pairing game from before I wrote the original versions of Chapters 4 and 5 which was the only significant brainstorm session I had where I just sat and thought for a good long while before I continued writing.

Snorts. Hows that leaning against the fourth wall treating you? Also have you seen the wand of gameion? Or just refering to the meme?

Apparently I referenced a meme without realizing it. Amusing! What was the specific meme?

Its decided, p.o.v. is not allowed to name thier kids, pets, or internet surnames.

He is so bad at naming, I don't think anyone would let him. lol

Mark? Well goodbye p.o.v. and hello Mark.

You know, 2/3rds of the story in...

Yeah at least the readers have a name to call him even if he still hasn't actually picked one for himself. The longer without a name he went I eventually started brainstorming possible reasons that he did not have a name rather than try to go back and give him a name. I'm quite satisfied with the result lol

 

[133TFR33k]

Chapter 10 review
In this case, I don't suspect that all that sightseeing/flirting p.o- Mark has been doing is to blame, is it? Not that either are going to mention it...
Does it have auto doors?
Like a supermarket?
Is there a bell, a jingle to mark them coming in?
Is there a slucking crackle sound as the superglue of the anchients is forced to part under the power of dues ex mechanica card edition?
Seriously, what does the doors look like, stone monoliths decked out in card runes? Knowing that, giving them some descriptive grandeur, will add weight to them opening and make the unSealing more impressive.
Is Toby wearing a white sheet over his body? I just can only see that type of ghost when I hear/read OoooOooo...
So, how do they appear? Swirling out of the dark, with a little pop and disturbing of the dust bunnies of the temple?
Aww, well that's sweet, Axel and Mark trying to hug. Wonder how hugging a ghost felt like?
Question: Have you played any of the " Tales of" series? Your Mint and their Mint have some striking similarities...

She's also a decoy sidekick, taking the reins in her home game during/near the final boss. Stronger physically and arcanely than the p.o.v. from the character you start with... and wrestles harder than a WWE champion with something to prove and plot immunity/vindictiveness.

Considering Axels age i'm surprised he isnt grossing out about cooties. Granted that might be a more my generation than yours sort of thing....

So about Axel's speech, there's a ton of data and no motion, setting reinforcement, ect. I'd recommend popping a few of those in so you can break down the brick here. It'll help make it manageable/less bricky.

Same issue here, although I'm noting some repetition.


So this section above has a "foe currently has" and"stolen" are basically the same idea. Unless someone else stole it from Seth's bodynapper you can drop one of the two to cut down the text. I did some strikethroughs so you can see one way to do it.

I continued with the strike through to par down on words of the upcoming brick. The reason i am suggesting it is because Axel is 10, but his wordiness is really starting to make him sound like Mark. Feel free to use it or not, but it will help with the bricking too.

So training is card duels back to back then? It's interesting to see how he's working around these foes but I have to wonder if there's a deck that could butcher him with minimal effort and what workarounds he has for that.

Seth being the image of power creep and all that.
Interesting with Mint getting the mon card equivalent of Excalibur if she shouldn't be taking on the big bad by herself.

Then she can deck him. I imagine the big bad will bail on Seth after the first punch. He seems like an oils snake to do that... granted then Mark and Mint will need to pay off Seths medical bills... but it'll be an easier win for it.

Seriously what does the doors look like, stone monolithes decked out in card runes? Knowing that, giving them sone descriptive grandour, will add weight to them opening and make the unSealing more impressive.

Reply to Chapter 10 review:

Good call here. In the game there is absolutely no flourish to unsealing or entering but it makes a lot of sense to do so in the fic! I Added a bit on this.

Is Toby wearing a white sheet over his body? I just can only see that type of ghost when I hear/read OoooOooo...

Perfectly ok to think of him in that way as he goes over the top to appear scary.

So how do they appear? Swirling out of the dark, with a little pop and disturbing of the dust bunnies of the temple?

Good point, I added a bit in for this. Since they are holograms, i just have them appear and vanish like light in a room when you flip a light switch.

Aww well thats sweet, Axel and Mark trying to hug. Wonder how hugging a ghost felt like?

Very good point. I added a bit in for that.

Question, have you played any of the " Tales of" series? Your Mint and thier Mint have some stricking simularities...

Shes also a decoy sidekick, taking the reigns in her home game during/near yhe final boss. Stronger physically and arcanely than the p.o.v. from the character you start with... and wrestles harder then a WWE champion with something to prove and plot immunity/vindictivness.

Interesting parallel. Not one I had in mind when writing the fic though!

Considering Axels age i'm surprised he isnt grossing out about cooties. Granted that might be a more my generation than yours sort of thing....

He may have never developed past 10, but he has been accruing knowledge and has lived over 1,000 years. He wouldn't still be worried about anything like that at his age and has craved interaction with other humans especially in the physical sense.

Also due to his age, I am generally not worried about his wording on things. If he sounds like a kid, he is one. If he sounds more sophisticated, he has the language skills to back that up by now.

So about Axel's speech, theres a ton of data and no motion, setting reinforcment, ect. I'd recommend popping a few of those in so you can break down the brick here. It'll help make it managable/less bricky.

Same issue here although i'm noting a so.e repitition.

Noted. I split things up a bit and took several of your other suggestions and implemented them too.

I also added a bit more for Axel to have him react a bit more to being sealed and not wanting it to happen again. I'd be curious what you think of the modifications I made leading up to the training section.

So training is card duels back to back then? Its interesting to see how he's worjing around these foes but i have to wonder if theres a deck that could butcher his with minimal effort and what work arounds he has for that.

He worries about these because they are the hero's of legend.

As for if there is a deck that can butcher his, the closest in-game deck to being able to do that is fittingly Axel's deck.

Interesting with Mint getting the mon card equivulent of excaliber if she shluldnt be taking on the big bad by herself.

Interesting indeed, but I can also state here that Mint is not as skilled as Mark when it comes to duels. She uses an unrestricted deck to keep up with Mark in the training. Since Mark does the common deck thing, it made sense to give her the uber deck. (which I crafted myself by the way and its in-game effectiveness is top notch for completing challenge machine runs!)

Then she can dexk him. I imagine the big bad will bail on Seth after the first punch. He seems like an oils snake to do that... granted then Mark and Mint will need to pay off Seths medical bills... but it'll be an easier win for it.

I was worried about her slap actually for this very reason... the fact that you are commenting on it will probably lead to me taking additional measures in the later chapters...

 

[133TFR33k]

Review chapter 11
Well that trots. Archaic spiritualism titles getting repurposed for a more modern spin... though if we were keeping up the chess motiff she'd be a biship.
So how does a psychic reading look? Does clair consult tea leaves each question, a tarot deck. Or her inner eye? Theres a nice oportunity to show it off a bit here...
I feel like Wong from infinity wars when I say "you wanted more?"... thats quite a list and if no one caught on the big bads identity before this point theres no doubt now...
When clair me tioned a higher power I imagined all the ghostmasters going "not it" as they look over the deck build and shudder.
So who is b.kid? A l.p.er in the genre?
Part of me is like... Mint can just punch them. Accomplicaces would go down like a house of... you know.

Aka psycic abilities do not make r.l. work like a streaming service....

I know your passing this off as a gag but it feels more like forshadowing at this point...
Insignt my rear, shes just detail fishing... she even confessed to it.... so i'm taking her couples prophacy with a grain of salt...

Reply to Chapter 11 Review

So how does a psychic reading look? Does clair consult tea leaves each question, a tarot deck. Or her inner eye? Theres a nice oportunity to show it off a bit here...

I think I kind of answered this later in the chapter. Its her inner eye essentially. Most of the special things she knows was from previous uses of her power that she remembers.

So who is b.kid? A l.p.er in the genre?

There is an author's note that pertains to him at the end of the chapter.

Part of me is like... Mint can just punch them. Accomplicaces would go down like a house of... you know.

Ugh.. you aren't going to let this one go.. lol

I know your passing this off as a gag but it feels more like forshadowing at this point...

:)

Insignt my rear, shes just detail fishing... she even confessed to it.... so i'm taking her couples prophacy with a grain of salt...

This is actually a very valid stance to take. I'm not sure I need to give an answer here. In fact, I think its better if I don't! :)

 

[133TFR33k]

Chapter 12 review

Smug snake thy name is Seth. Though candidly i'd be less cocky knowing i was a second in command. Big bads tend to throw them under the bus... especially when they fail... just saying...

Because Mark just said he was speaking to Mint it seems silly to use her name immediatly afterwards. Also the "i'll take care of it" is pretty much implied with the "you go" line and his actions in starting a card duel...

Because replying is kind of a back talk I'd suggest nixxing the back.
Lost a period here enroute ..

Because the "good luck" is attached to Seths speach you could drop the "and continued" as a new paragraph would show someone else talking...
So evil Brock vs recently unnamed Gent... this will be interesting... whike i appreciated the battle the formating was pretty bad.
Brick alert, please fix!


You can easiky drop the authors note telling of a protagonist shift. Mints opening line of "my gent" as well as the page break/spacing covers that well enough.


Of course its the crazed desk lady... who else was honeestly left?

Love how getting posessed by big bad dark makes you an instant goth. Is that why the dark entities were literal dark massses? The emo cring of thier dated gothwear self censored itself when put upon anchient stones?

Ohh Trish's rant bricked. Need some pointers to break it down or you good? And having worked customer service at shady joints i get her frusteration. I dont see how helping the card cult will getnher out.... but it is a fair motive towards her start of darkness as far as it goes.

Ummm but the Queen doesnt have Marks basic limitation.... so thsts a broad assumption as to what Mint's packing.

Also she thinks Seth's in charge? Thats a fun delusion, i'd bring it up for funsies to break her worldview, might make her play worse you know? Lets see if Queen Mint plays the psych game...

Well she treid, just cant reason with that level of crazy I guess. Shrugs.

I get she's got reason for her crazy and this is her monologue chance to shine but I would strongly recomend breaking her monologue up a bit.
I'm surprised Mints so compassionate (she comes across as quite the firebrand really) but if she lives long enough to help Trish it might be an interesting dynamic for the ladies to interact after this.
I wonder hiw Alex is faring havong to listen to all this, or does he dip in and out... or is he back at base, using the ghostmaster's 2.0 device with its attached popcorn maker getting ready for the final smackdown in proper detached protagonist/mentor fassion.
Axel forgot Marks name... didnt he?
Be happy Axel doesnt start humming mission impossible over the lines.. or james bond... do either of those themes exist? If Mark were to click on would he drop into this convo, no context, and pick up psychological damage from the experience?
Perhaps thats why he colapsed.
On a serious note though I suspect the why behind his fall will be expanded on next chapter.

Smug snake thy name is Seth. Though candidly i'd be less cocky knowing i was a second in command. Big bads tend to throw them under the bus... especially when they fail... just saying...

Reply to Chapter 12 Review (As of 4/12/25, chapter 12 now includes what used to be chapter 13. The final regular chapters are now 13 and 14. Those chapters used to be 14 and 15.)

Well, he is the leader of a religious cult that follows what he views as a God-like or perhaps outright God entity.

Because Mark just said he was speaking to Mint it seems silly to use her name immediatly afterwards. Also the "i'll take care of it" is pretty much implied with the "you go" line and his actions in starting a card duel...

Good point. I took your advice here.

Because the "good luck" is attached to Seths speach you could drop the "and continued" as a new paragraph would show someone else talking...

Thanks, I agree. Fixed.

You can easiky drop the authors note telling of a protagonist shift. Mints opening line of "my gent" as well as the page break/spacing covers that well enough.

Yeah... good point. I removed it. Thanks.

Of course its the crazed desk lady... who else was honeestly left?

I don't mind the readers guessing it in this Chapter. That works for me!

Love how getting posessed by big bad dark makes you an instant goth. Is that why the dark entities were literal dark massses? The emo cring of thier dated gothwear self censored itself when put upon anchient stones?

Punk/Goth something like that. lol no idea what the rest of its about, but it sounds like you are having fun.

Ohh Trish's rant bricked. Need some pointers to break it down or you good? And having worked customer service at shady joints i get her frusteration. I dont see how helping the card cult will getnher out.... but it is a fair motive towards her start of darkness as far as it goes.

Fixed, I also updated this chapter a bit in general to have Mint and Trish get a good laugh in. If you haven't read that version, I think its worth checking out.

Ummm but the Queen doesnt have Marks basic limitation.... so thsts a broad assumption as to what Mint's packing.

So, I made the mistake of using the term "basic" very often when I should have been using "common". Basic is not a rarity. Common is a rarity. Marks deck uses all commons. It uses more than basics hence why his Pokemon can evolve as long as the evolutions are also common rarity. I had to go back and fix this in many areas of the fic. Apologies for the confusion.

I'm surprised Mints so compassionate (she comes across as quite the firebrand really) but if she lives long enough to help Trish it might be an interesting dynamic for the ladies to interact after this.

I wanted her to be able to be both. Also, yes, I agree that expanding upon that dynamic would be interesting if Mint lives.

Axel forgot Marks name... didnt he?

Mark is not actually named yet. Mint only gave him a suggestion that he said he would think about. If he is named yet he hasn't mentioned it to Axel, but if he listened to Clair then there is a good chance he is named at this point.

Be happy Axel doesnt start humming mission impossible over the lines.. or james bond... do either of those themes exist? If Mark were to click on would he drop into this convo, no context, and pick up psychological damage from the experience?

The sound track for this section is spy themed.

On a serious note though I suspect the why behind his fall will be expanded on next chapter.

Perhaps.

 

[133TFR33k]

Chapter 13 review
Personal experience with the horror genre, noisy graves are scarier then silent ones. There are some places you dont want to be hearing specific noises...
I get that Axel can hear but how is he seeing again?
Considering Mints left hook anyone getting in punch range us bound to lose by default. Just saying.
How is Seth giving orders, isn't he staring in shock at the duel table where Mark left him?
"We are here to stall you." Says flunky one
"Alright i'll play by your rules and be stalled!"
Says the protag who is more than capable of thrashing her victims to an inch of thier life and knows it...
I'd suggest giving her a reason to play by game logic, because candidly shes got no actual reason to and a ton of skills to bypass this trap, even if its to shove them out of her way and keep walking.
Basically we have a case of this...

(comic courtesy of "manly men doing manly things" aka "the punchline is machismo")

Nice ominous final duel arena build up. I have a hunch i know who is in that seat, next chapter will see how on the mark I am!

Personal experience with the horror genre, noisy graves are scarier then silent ones. There are some places you dont want to be hearing specific noises...

Reply to Chapter 13 Review (As of 4/12/25, chapter 12 now includes what used to be chapter 13. The final regular chapters are now 13 and 14. Those chapters used to be 14 and 15.)

Understandable, but I'm not sure what noises there would realistically be in here. I did try to go for a more creepy feel here than I did anywhere else though, I'm glad you noticed.

I get that Axel can hear but how is he seeing again?

The earpiece has a mic, an ear speaker and a tiny camera.

Considering Mints left hook anyone getting in punch range us bound to lose by default. Just saying.

Ugh.. the price of kicking off her relationship with Mark is high. Now we can ask this about everything basically... I refuse to take back her slap to Mark though.

How is Seth giving orders, isn't he staring in shock at the duel table where Mark left him?

Seth gave these orders to them ahead of time.

"We are here to stall you." Says flunky one

"Alright i'll play by your rules and be stalled!"

Says the protag who is more than capable of thrashing her victims to an inch of thier life and knows it...

I'd suggest giving her a reason to play by game logic, because candidly shes got no actual reason to and a ton of skills to bypass this trap, even if its to shove them out of her way and keep walking.

Click to expand...

Alright fine. I updated the scene to have their cooperation required to pass the door. To get that, she has to duel them. I don't want her to threaten to beat them though because I don't want to draw more attention to violence as a possible solution than absolutely needed. Besides, even if she did threaten them, they wouldn't care since they would die for their false god.

Basically we have a case of this...

LOL

Nice ominous final duel arena build up. I have a hunch i know who is in that seat, next chapter will see how on the mark I am!

Thanks! Read and find out!

 

[133TFR33k]

Chapter 14 and 15 complete!



It's Mark isnt it? Thats the only reason Mint doesn't just deck the big bad until he creis uncle.

Eww this adds a squick twist to "and we shall rule together" doesn't it.

Mind bleach mind bleach!

So random thought, due to his fixation with doduos shedding I suspect Mark might be a little allergic to the turkeys feathers. If thats the case would doduo sitting on Mark solve the big bad problem?

Wait where is doduo because i remember it running ahead...

Wait, I thought Mint already knew it was Mark? Oh well, (dully) surprise?

Ah but will the subscription cancel out when Mr. Dark's credit card inevitibly expires, therefore nullifying the auto update?

I'm sorry... Can you tell i'm one of those that lives to crash big bad monologues? I'd say its a bad trait but it keeps me easily amused.

Wonder why Axel didnt see any of this go down and warn Mint though?

Thank goodness Mint wasn't taken, she is fit enough to be a threat just by socking people... Mark's (to put it nicely) a bit of a wuss, so even if the big bad does win, a brisk walking speed will keep the masses safe.

Until they get suckered into duels.

Like he shared with Seth and Trish, who he ditched and left wildly underpowere for incoming threats?. Does it come with a goth makeover, and can you say no to it?
Because dresscode like that is a crime...

Whats the fiscal conversion rate to power and glory?

I'm sorry, I cant help myself...

... i'd actually argue that him taking over gentleman and with Mint's naturally firey temper that you could nix her dispair and waffling. It feels wildly out of character for her. What temptation is there? Living by a shell of a man who wears her loved ones face? The insult seems likenitnwould be prod enough (living in perpetual hostage situation) to infuriate her.

Considering murder of multiple peoples identities is an acceptible starting point for Mr. Dark I'd say his plans are, as a whole, probably going to be bad.
See above....

If she hits him again it'd definitly be by her hands... just saying....

How is he able to dictate the rules of this duel as a final boss? So Clair's efforts are a dues ex mechanica, that works?

Huh interesting to see MothZapper being used against the protags. I'm surprised he didnt god-mode a different deck in but considering she's been with Mark for so long she should know its ins and outs...

Right...

Hopefully?

Not-Mark pulled a Flowey I see, screwing with time. And not-Mark is screwing with her head. Wonder how his powers work through a concussion? Mint could test that. Marks a very understanding
Gentleman...

If you keep them talking sometimes you get acess to a weakness ala smaug and the snail shell convo...


I fixed a missed paragraph break for you here...

Eventually somones going to need a snack break or bathroom break. And if he only remembers he's going to get bored really fast... just saying...

Burn the book. He cant reset if theres no book to reset from.

Well we got the meta rules of the game now. Fun times for Mints sanity up a head

As she takes on Cy' and tries to stall for team ghost'.

Wait until somone tells this lunitic about the mobile version of the trading card game... his mind will be blown.
I wonder how much bad data he got through that trick. Religious fanatics aren't usually discerning in their researxh. Cy' coukd have scalds of bad data (or even worthless fanish stuff roiling around upstairs due to this badly thought out system.

I must of missed doduo's proud return, but hey, he's here to ruin a few hands by taking nips or being chaotoc. Might buy Mint some time too.

But really, Cy' used godmode to bring forth the ultimate Turkey mon? Why not the Meowth line, or Persians! We could have a world with giant fluffy albino puma-kitties and he denied it to us! The monster!

I could make so many comments about stupidity and mobs. I wont. but know i'm thinking them.....

I think Cyrus and Cypress could form a "only i am perfect fanclub"... except in thier first mweting theyd get distracted in route to the meeting by a mirror.
Way he's going, the only person Cypress would be happy dueling is himself.
snorts. Mint pushing with that exact word choic us flashing me back to a five year old. I'm surprised Cy rolled with it to be honest.

I can see the writing on the wall. The fact that its gunna be Timmy that undoes this is hilarious...

Well thats one way to be woken up. And funnily enough its a neat reverse to how she joined the party. Nice tie in to the tales begining.

Reply To Chapter 14 Review (As of 4/12/25, chapter 12 now includes what used to be chapter 13. The final regular chapters are now 13 and 14. Those chapters used to be 14 and 15.)

It's Mark isnt it? Thats the only reason Mint doesn't just deck the big bad until he creis uncle.

Yep. I had to do it. It was the most impactful way for the reveal of the big bad. Ugh, again with the punching. I guess I'm going to have to fix her punching capability here too...

So random thought, due to his fixation with doduos shedding I suspect Mark might be a little allergic to the turkeys feathers. If thats the case would doduo sitting on Mark solve the big bad problem?

Hey that's a pretty cool theory! If I was going to do that though, I would have had him scratching after his attempt to ride Doduo in Chapter 1 though. As for getting Doduo to take action to help... good luck with that. lol...

Wait, I thought Mint already knew it was Mark? Oh well, (dully) surprise?

No. All Mint did was suggest the name to Mark. Mark then said he would think it over but even when speaking with Clair when they obtained the SealedStar deck, he still didn't have a name actually selected. Now perhaps he selected one prior to his arrival here before Cypress took him over, but did he? Hmmm!

Ah but will the subscription cancel out when Mr. Dark's credit card inevitibly expires, therefore nullifying the auto update?

The only way to potentially nullify that is to beat Cypress in a duel. Only then can Mint call out Mark's name to bring him back. Oh and if she calls out the wrong name and can't find the correct one, he will be lost forever. If he named himself something different but just as bad as BasicBro, Mint will NEVER figure it out.

Wonder why Axel didnt see any of this go down and warn Mint though?

He did(though it isn't explicitly stated), but seeing it didn't help him to figure out what exactly happened.

Thank goodness Mint wasn't taken, she is fit enough to be a threat just by socking people... Mark's (to put it nicely) a bit of a wuss, so even if the big bad does win, a brisk walking speed will keep the masses safe.

Until they get suckered into duels.

Good thing I picked Mark for him to possess then. Trying to explain why the villain doesn't resort to fists would be yet another cost of adding Mint's slap to the story.

ike he shared with Seth and Trish, who he ditched and left wildly underpowere for incoming threats?. Does it come with a goth makeover, and can you say no to it? Because dresscode like that is a crime...

So, Seth didn't have to win to complete the plan in the final duel. Seth still didn't like to lose though obviously. Trish got a massively powerful deck actually. Hers was even stronger than Seth's. It just wasn't enough to stop Mint using Tuff As Nails. Actually, Trish's deck is stronger than Axel's too. The goth makeover was all Trish's idea but in my mind I'm thinking she didn't go punk and/or goth until after she created her Dark Triad deck. Technically, Cypress didn't get a chance to share much of anything with Seth or Trish since he just now reincarnated, but he wasn't offering to share his glory with them. In his mind they are nothing but useful tools that are beneath him.

Whats the fiscal conversion rate to power and glory?

You probably think this is funny, but I really CAN add this as a question Mint can ask to Cypress while stalling him for time. Pretty much anything is fair game in there. A humor question would not be a terrible idea, especially while she is getting desperate for stall tactics! lol

... i'd actually argue that him taking over gentleman and with Mint's naturally firey temper that you could nix her dispair and waffling. It feels wildly out of character for her. What temptation is there? Living by a shell of a man who wears her loved ones face? The insult seems likenitnwould be prod enough (living in perpetual hostage situation) to infuriate her.

So.. my idea behind this part was to explore the potential "give up" route that most games and stories never do. I was hoping that having her think about all that in a quick moment all at once would be enough to excuse it from character conflict, but I guess its not quite there.

I updated it to fall more in line with Mint's character. Thanks!

If she hits him again it'd definitly be by her hands... just saying....

Ugh! Fine, anti-gravity shield is now being added right after he resets the duel since Mint would be mad enough to hit him for cheating.

How is he able to dictate the rules of this duel as a final boss? So Clair's efforts are a dues ex mechanica, that works?

The game never explains why duelists are able to impose restrictions upon the player and never explores what the actual extent of those restrictions are. Since Cypress has the ability to do some things with the Progenitor, I thought a small modification of dueling restriction in his favor could have massive repercussions for his opponent. Clair said the device would thwart one of the foe's plans. She didn't specify which one but her power allowed her to know what to do and what the effect of it would be.

Huh interesting to see MothZapper being used against the protags. I'm surprised he didnt god-mode a different deck in but considering she's been with Mark for so long she should know its ins and outs...

He could have gone with a different deck but he doesn't care or need to. It's more amusing to him to beat her with a deck of commons. It also wasn't smart of him to let Mint and the Ghostmasters retain their memories of the resets but making them forget would make it not nearly fun enough for him and even though he would normally play things safe, he had been waiting too long to not have his moment now.

Not-Mark pulled a Flowey I see, screwing with time. And not-Mark is screwing with her head. Wonder how his powers work through a concussion? Mint could test that. Marks a very understanding Gentleman...

Burn the book. He cant reset if theres no book to reset from.

True, Flowey was a big inspiration for going this direction with it. My version works differently though since it depends on a diary and a way to perform the reset.

Anti-gravity sheild should work pretty well here.

Waut until somone tells this lunitic about the mobile version of the trading card game... his mind will be blown.

Clair could potentially see that through the nexus. Cypress possibly could too but not in the way Clair could.

I wonder how much bad data he got through that trick. Religious fanatics aren't usually discerning in their researxh. Cy' coukd have scalds of bad data (or even worthless fanish stuff roiling around upstairs due to this badly thought out system.

I figured he has enough knowledge to be able to sort out bad/false information but this was still a pretty interesting comment!

I must of missed doduo's proud return, but hey, he's here to ruin a few hands by taking nips or being chaotoc. Might buy Mint some time too.

Yeah.. that's my fault for forgetting to mention Doduo enough. I went back into Chapter 13 to fix it. Thanks for pointing it out.

But really, Cy' used godmode to bring forth the ultimate Turkey mon? Why not the Meowth line, or Persians! We could have a world with giant fluffy albino puma-kitties and he denied it to us! The monster!

Well the real reason was that when I crafted FlashFire! I decided to include Doduo for free retreat and fighting resistance but I wasn't too overly fond of it and was thinking of replacing it with something else but I wasn't sure what to replace it with. As such it became the ugly red-headed step child of the deck and was the butt of many jokes which over time morphed it into the star of the fic lol

As for Cypress's reasoning for picking Doduo, I'm considering adding in a bit where he experimented on it. Having two heads would make it easier to do so. I could use that as the reason for them enjoying pain too and the reason they don't procreate. Procreation would feel good and they hate that so they never breed. Good thing too because with them being immortal, the islands would quickly become overrun with them if they did that. I could also say that they are all clones of the original that was brought over. If they are all male or all female then that would be another way of explaining how they didn't take over everything.

Way he's going, the only person Cypress would be happy dueling is himself.

He would hate that because then he would only win half of the time.

snorts. Mint pushing with that exact word choic us flashing me back to a five year old. I'm surprised Cy rolled with it to be honest.

I'm not really sure he rolled with it considering he took his seat to start the doomsday timer...

I can see the writing on the wall. The fact that its gunna be Timmy that undoes this is hilarious...

Yeah.. that was the whole reason for the secret mission subplot. An excuse to get Timmy in there with access to the progenitor! :)

Well thats one way to be woken up. And funnily enough its a neat reverse to how she joined the party. Nice tie in to the tales begining.

I hadn't even thought of that!! Stuff like this is exactly what I mean when I say the story wrote itself!

 

[133TFR33k]

... of course he uses his last life to body hop to doduo... if only pokeballs were a thing... this would be over in seconds.
Theure going to have to card duel this bird aren't they... how is this going to work...
Do'Cy'duo is quite the headcase... and it also explains why it glued itaelf to Mark. Will this be a twin duel where Mark and Mint have to takw him down and winat once or...

Or Mint could dice and win. That works. Interesting that his wandering with Mark was a bit of a redemption arch.

With creepy stalker vibes...

But still a subdued redemption arch...
Doduo is such a creeper, ShiniGira would probably feel vindicated. Marks a sap. He's going to fall for these puppy eyes and sad violen noises... please be smarter then him Mint... please...

She's falling for it too... unnnng... nooo...
And Axel, the betrayal knows no bounds.
So.theyre going to get married after saving the world. Its a fun upbeat cap to an insane tale.

Overall it was a fun irrelevent read. Thanks for shaing and hopefully my feedback helped.

Reply to Chapter 15 Review (As of 4/12/25, chapter 12 now includes what used to be chapter 13. The final regular chapters are now 13 and 14. Those chapters used to be 14 and 15.)

... of course he uses his last life to body hop to doduo... if only pokeballs were a thing... this would be over in seconds.

Interesting, I hadn't realized people would think maybe he body hopped somehow. Not that he really has a way to do that. Cool! Makes the twist even better then!

Do'Cy'duo is quite the headcase... and it also explains why it glued itaelf to Mark. Will this be a twin duel where Mark and Mint have to takw him down and winat once or...

Or Mint could dice and win. That works. Interesting that his wandering with Mark was a bit of a redemption arch.

Doduo did the majority of his change of heart off camera before the journey began. He has already lived many decades in that body.

Doduo is such a creeper, ShiniGira would probably feel vindicated. Marks a sap. He's going to fall for these puppy eyes and sad violen noises... please be smarter then him Mint... please...

She's falling for it too... unnnng... nooo...

And Axel, the betrayal knows no bounds.

I thought it would make a potential sequel more interesting if Doduo was on the side of good. I could have him speak and duel potentially too!

So.theyre going to get married after saving the world. Its a fun upbeat cap to an insane tale.

Yep and for a honeymoon, I hear Bill has an amazing couple's hotel with a special private anti-gravity room...

Overall it was a fun irrelevent read. Thanks for shaing and hopefully my feedback helped.

You could say fun is a type of relevancy. You could also argue that all things are irrelevant. A matter of perspective, I think.

Thank YOU for taking the time to read and review exchange! :D

Your feedback has been a huge help to improving the fic! I still have some more edits on a to-do list to get to as well!

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hi hello, hope you have a nice day and sorry that it's a bit later than I would've liked but here's the second review!

Chapter 1 Summary:

Alright so Mr Nameless wakes up on an island without his wallet and with a note telling him what he needs to do to escape.

So of course he first goes to the Grassy one where he meets the first of a running gag, a person who only wants to fight with a specific type and like a true gentleman, he runs away with as much grace as possible before taking on the leader. After that, he is tortured on his way to the Lighting fort via crappy music and questions about why gambling is stupid. There he meets another fanatic, this time about Pikachu instead of a type and makes her cry, truly that is the most gentleman action. Then he meets another type fanatic and as usual they don't listen and he fights the leader.

Next he goes to the Water fort, meets with two more fanatics and fights the leader who sympathise with him about their shared hatred of Bill and his crappy tech.

Then to the Fire fort he goes, he meets more fanatics but this time they're actually sensible! Who knew you just needed to work in a literally volcano in order to have things like respect and common sense! Anyway, he beats the leader and goes on to the Fighting fort.

While he's moving, we finally learn why Bill's teleporter sucks at doing its job and that's because not only is Bill a crappy scientist, engineer or whatever, he's also a crappy uncle that leaves a toddler alone. Like how is this guy not accused of neglect? That is stupidly dangerous especially since it sounds like the kid can get himself into his lab!

Anyway tangent aside, he fights and learns about how much of an airhead the fighting leader is and moves onto the Psychic fort where he goes to a fort and meets with three fanatics with one being a probable impostor.

Prologue Stuff:

Now that's done with, let's get on with some notes on the new parts of the prologue.

Adding the Billy scene is a nice way to let the readers know certain aspects of the world, I did enjoy reading it though I can't say for sure if a new reader would like having a bunch of exposition just shoved directly in their face right of the bat. One thing I can advise in making it a bit better is that instead of throwing everything in one area, it would probably be better if you sprinkle the info throughout the chapter. Take out bits that aren't super important in the tutoring and sprinkle them throughout the chapter where you think it would make sense.

Oh and also, your dialogue tags AKA "he replied and I replied". I'll be honest and say reading the same two tags going back and forth gets repetitive and it would make the dialogue feel better if you either spice things up with different tags, action tags and whatnot. I've linked a video in my line-by-line comments that should give a nice lecture about them if ya need to know more about them.

And the final part where the kidnapper writes in Mr Nameless' diary is nice though kinda silly tbh, since he literally just gives it back to him and the next chapter I don't think Mr Nameless makes any mention of the new additions.

Chapter 1 stuff:

It was a nice read. I had fun reading Mr Nameless having to deal with all the goofballs on the island, Pikachu girl and Kara being my two favourites of the bunch. The thing I like most about this chapter is definitely reading how much of a straight man Mr Nameless, his normalcy dealing with the weird bizarre people was really fun.

That said I do have a few gripes about the chapter.

I don't know what it is but to me it feels like things happen too fast or there isn't enough substance to the content. Four fortresses and leaders have already passed by and yet despite that, it didn't feel like much has happened. I think the reason why I feel that is probably because too much has happened too fast and it feels like I'm just reading through a checklist or a presentation rather than a full-fledged story. The chapter doesn't stop to give me time to breathe before moving to the next fortress. I feel like it'd would really benefit if you focused more on Mr Nameless and his environment, more on how he feels about his situation what he thinks he needs to do, perhaps focus more on how weirded out he is by the people or show him actually bonding with the Doduo to make me care about it instead of just showing me how utterly annoying and useless it is since I don't really feel like it makes sense for Mr Nameless to really care about the Doduo during that Fighting duel.

And while I get that the battles themselves aren't the main focus of the story, I feel like it would really benefit if you had shown at least one duel, like say writing a duel during an important fight. 'cause I'll be honest and say that I feel kinda disappointed not seeing a single duel play out when I'd initially read the description of the fic.

That said, I really do like the little tidbits of Mr Nameless and him wondering around the island, and I really wished there's more focus on him and his interactions and the world if there aren't gonna be any duels written down. And the one off characters have been fun to read so it'd be nice if we could stick with them for more than sentence or two.

Oh and also, I know I said I can't really say much about the soundtracks since I can't listen to them properly. But I have something I'd like to say before getting to the line-by-line comments.

And that is... there's kinda a lot of them. From my experience, most of the times readers would rarely go out of their way to click on a link since it breaks their immersion, doubly so when practically every scene has a soundtrack. Most fics I've seen that do put in soundtracks usually have it in important scenes rather than in every individual one. Basically keep moderation in mind when putting in music is what I'm saying, having less of something can sometimes be better than having a ton of them.

Anyway onto my line-by-line comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

I thought to myself "I'm sure my assailant could have sold it, but the way it spreads its feathers about likely made it more trouble than it was worth. Apparently the bird finds the prospect of starving amusing"

Forgot the punctuation for the dialogue tag and the dialogue.

The only one that seemed elated by this over-all situation is that bumbling bird.

Gr, really wished Mr Nameless would just abandon the useless bird but I know he's probably too nice to do something like that.

I was glad I had a hearty victory meal prior to my kidnapping. "At least the note said nothing about dehydration, so I can presumably have water at least." I thought to myself.

A little advice: For these thoughts by Nameless, you could just either turn them into italics or build them into the narrative because to me, it gets kinda repetitive just reading 'I thought to myself' every time he's thinking of something.

Before I began I travels, I reasoned that I might need the teleporter to be operating at peak efficiency as I have never been to this island before and have no idea how strong the opponents here could be! I pulled out my phone and dialed the number for Bill’s company.

A couple of wrong tenses here and there. Should be past rather than present.

An automated voice said “Please hold while we work to connect you. Your estimated wait time exceeds what we have been programmed to say. We value your time and thank you for your patience.”

Dialogue tags should be punctuated. I think I'm gonna put a link for a video about dialogue tags if I see some more errors.

refusing to have my phone blare what would soon become my least favorite string of notes and sounds,

'Refusing' should be capitalized since a complete sperate sentence is starting.

I decided to use my headphones instead - just one though! To use two, I would have to be quite mad indeed...or a Doduo I suppose.

I question why would he even have two headphones in the first place and now that I'm asking that, where the heck did he find or get headphones in the first place? I thought he was robbed of everything but his cards when he got here?

(Okay, just reread the beginning and honestly, kinda weird that they'd steal his wallet but not anything else)

I simply just didn't have what it took to measure up to that dumb birds aspirations.

Missing a apostrophe here to make "birds" into "bird's"

Before I could even begin to great her,

Mispelled 'greet' here.

All attempts to pass by met with and equal

Missing a 'were' and misspelled 'an' here

When I refused, he became obstinate and ornery indicating that any who had not attained an age such as his was of lessor intelligence

Mispelled 'lesser' here

Upon entering I visited the lobby for my routine water.

Missing a comma between these two.

I indicated to him that I might duel him on my way out if he waits patiently

Accidentally switched to present tense here.

Alex declared "I heard how you use your bench to power up your Voltorb but I bet you can't beat me if you have 2 less bench slots!"

Dialogue tags should be punctuated with a comma here.

she was preoccupied with how one ought to not use tanning beds to frequently and how it will make you look darker than you realize.

Should be 'too'

She explained she was always kept indoors and unable to bath in the warm rays of the sun,

Should be 'bathe'

NoShe then commented that Bills inventions are not all they are cracked up to be

Missing an apostrophe

She did notice how my Bills Teleporter only seemed to function half of the time though and expressed her sympathies.

Missing an apostrophe

Jess simply replied ominously that one should never seek plastic facial surgery from Bills discount doctor services.

Again 'Bills' needs an apostrophe since it's a possessive noun.

she simply curled up on the floor to nap speaking of how its too hot to duel anyway

Funny enough 'its' itself is already a possessive noun and if you're trying to use 'it is' or 'it was' it should be "it's".

At this her face lightened mentioning she had never received a gift before and would always cherish it.

Wow, that's sad. She's like the only one here that actually respects Mr Nameless and nobody gave her anything before? Not even her parents?

Apparently the winnings have far exceeded the accepted perimeters and they had to relocate Bills Teleporter to his home.

Again 'Bills' needs an apostrophe... though if it is how it's spelled in the original game, you could probably ignore this and any other instances I said this lol.

The teleporter will remain inconsistent regardless at this point anyway, so I opted to continue the bribery knowing that both cards will continue to occasionally fail.

Well, that just sounds incredibly stupid. He's not exactly rolling in money and yet he's still willing to waste money doing something he knows doesn't help.

matter, its time to phone my good friend Ronald to arrange to leave this phony resort behind!

Wrong form of "it's"

The horrible truth then dawned on me: my phone had now died and I was without the means to recharge it!

Ooh, I know, you can shove some electric energy cards into it to charge it, my guy.( Tis a joke btw)

Also it just dawned on me that his phone lasted days without charging like christ, my phone can barely last two and half hours without combusting. Guess Pokémon tech's pretty crazy here.

I had to take but 1 look, just one to know what was about to happen.

Word of advice, it is generally better to turn numbers into words unless it's an incredibly long one.

It was already bad enough that Gamble and Bills Teleporter should often

Again apostrophe

I must have found the hidden switch to release the stairs"

Dialogue must be punctuated by a comma if followed by dialogue tag

Upon descending to the depths of the colorless altar, I found 3 mysterious figures loomed as they peered at me intently.

Numbers should be words here.

I stared at them. They started at me. I stared at them more.

Mispelled 'stared' here.

He defiantly crossed his arms turned up his nose and proclaimed that his choice was clearly the best of the three but that he would not accept anything less than full compliance.

Missing a comma between these two words here

In particular, I noticed Seth who peers at you with closed eyes.

This should be 'Seth who peered at me with closed eyes' unless of course that's a name of a card which if it is, should be capitalized or be in quotation marks.

And here's a link to a video about dialogue tags since I don't think I can clearly explain them myself

View: https://youtu.be/IbU3V5e1Qjg?si=EjKR9o93KC6txFFi

And that should be it from me, next review should hopefully take less than two weeks so I'll see ya later.

 

[133TFR33k]

Hi hello, hope you have a nice day and sorry that it's a bit later than I would've liked but here's the second review!

Reply to Prologue Updates & Chapter 1 Review

Nice to see the next review up!! So many details, reactions, and advice! I'm impressed with all the spelling, grammar things you managed to catch too! I've fixed the isolated issues and will be working my way through the systematic errors you pointed out. This is wonderful thanks! :)

So of course he first goes to the Grassy one where he meets the first of a running gag, a person who only wants to fight with a specific type and like a true gentleman, he runs away with as much grace as possible before taking on the leader.

Well he is under the threat of starvation...

There he meets another fanatic, this time about Pikachu instead of a type and makes her cry, truly that is the most gentleman action.

If he had known how long it would take her to finish talking about Pikachu, he probably would have edited his deck and then dueled her to save time. Under normal circumstances though, I'm pretty sure he would have just humored her.

Then to the Fire fort he goes, he meets more fanatics but this time they're actually sensible! Who knew you just needed to work in a literally volcano in order to have things like respect and common sense! Anyway, he beats the leader and goes on to the Fighting fort.

In retrospect, it is funny how the fire fortress had the only sensible ones lol...

While he's moving, we finally learn why Bill's teleporter sucks at doing its job and that's because not only is Bill a crappy scientist, engineer or whatever, he's also a crappy uncle that leaves a toddler alone. Like how is this guy not accused of neglect? That is stupidly dangerous especially since it sounds like the kid can get himself into his lab!

Don't worry, this won't be the last time you hear of Bill! Perhaps some questions will be answered at that time. :)

Prologue Updates Review

Adding the Billy scene is a nice way to let the readers know certain aspects of the world, I did enjoy reading it though I can't say for sure if a new reader would like having a bunch of exposition just shoved directly in their face right of the bat. One thing I can advise in making it a bit better is that instead of throwing everything in one area, it would probably be better if you sprinkle the info throughout the chapter. Take out bits that aren't super important in the tutoring and sprinkle them throughout the chapter where you think it would make sense.

I'll have to take a look at this and see what I can do. Adding it to my to-do list for the fic. Thanks for pointing it out!

Oh and also, your dialogue tags AKA "he replied and I replied". I'll be honest and say reading the same two tags going back and forth gets repetitive and it would make the dialogue feel better if you either spice things up with different tags, action tags and whatnot. I've linked a video in my line-by-line comments that should give a nice lecture about them if ya need to know more about them.

I'm going to give that video a watch. I'm not English-teacher proficiency at writing and this is my first fic as well. Its also the longest narrative I have ever written by far.

I agree that they get repetitive and I'm glad you called me out on it. I'll be adding this to my to-do list as well.

Its going to require editing a LOT of places in various chapters but I'll start on the early chapters for now and move along editing as those who read and review make progress. That way I can hopefully stay ahead of them to keep things shiny without throwing too much time at it all at once.

And the final part where the kidnapper writes in Mr Nameless' diary is nice though kinda silly tbh, since he literally just gives it back to him and the next chapter I don't think Mr Nameless makes any mention of the new additions.

I thought I had made it clear in the Mission Report that it was a separate document/book from the gentleman's diary, but I don't know if you were reading an old version of it or if I just didn't do a good enough job there. I added a bit more in it to help make it completely clear. Thanks for mentioning it.

Chapter 1 Review

It was a nice read. I had fun reading Mr Nameless having to deal with all the goofballs on the island, Pikachu girl and Kara being my two favourites of the bunch. The thing I like most about this chapter is definitely reading how much of a straight man Mr Nameless, his normalcy dealing with the weird bizarre people was really fun.

Ok it sounds like it's doing it's thing then. I believe this is based off of the older version of it before I revamped it though. I think you will find considerably more of what you liked in it now!

I don't know what it is but to me it feels like things happen too fast or there isn't enough substance to the content. Four fortresses and leaders have already passed by and yet despite that, it didn't feel like much has happened. I think the reason why I feel that is probably because too much has happened too fast and it feels like I'm just reading through a checklist or a presentation rather than a full-fledged story. The chapter doesn't stop to give me time to breathe before moving to the next fortress. I feel like it'd would really benefit if you focused more on Mr Nameless and his environment, more on how he feels about his situation what he thinks he needs to do, perhaps focus more on how weirded out he is by the people or show him actually bonding with the Doduo to make me care about it instead of just showing me how utterly annoying and useless it is since I don't really feel like it makes sense for Mr Nameless to really care about the Doduo during that Fighting duel.

Agreed it was happening too fast. My revamp adds more to the environment and characters and even introduces a new subplot for Doduo! Agreed that its better to have Doduo do some useful things and some new scenes help address that. By the way, the reason I added the extra scenes/subplot with Doduo was solely due to your feedback. I like what I came up with so far, and hoping it is to your liking as well!

And while I get that the battles themselves aren't the main focus of the story, I feel like it would really benefit if you had shown at least one duel, like say writing a duel during an important fight. 'cause I'll be honest and say that I feel kinda disappointed not seeing a single duel play out when I'd initially read the description of the fic.

There are some duels that have some more details in them. They are in the next chapter and some future chapters actually. They tend to get a bit wordy though. Its pretty hard to make them into theatrical masterpieces when I am literally just trying to functionally explain the duels I played in the game itself.(even then I am still not stating absolutely every thing I did) Due to the format of the duels, I locked the especially wordy ones away in spoiler tags for any who are interested. I didn't want to remove them completely though as it would break away from the reason for the fic existing in the first place. As a heads up, for any duels in spoiler tags, I'm probably not going to edit them, so don't worry about catching mistakes there.

That said, I really do like the little tidbits of Mr Nameless and him wondering around the island, and I really wished there's more focus on him and his interactions and the world if there aren't gonna be any duels written down. And the one off characters have been fun to read so it'd be nice if we could stick with them for more than sentence or two.

Agreed. I think the revamp helped here. Curious what your thoughts on it would be.

Oh and also, I know I said I can't really say much about the soundtracks since I can't listen to them properly. But I have something I'd like to say before getting to the line-by-line comments.

And that is... there's kinda a lot of them. From my experience, most of the times readers would rarely go out of their way to click on a link since it breaks their immersion, doubly so when practically every scene has a soundtrack. Most fics I've seen that do put in soundtracks usually have it in important scenes rather than in every individual one. Basically keep moderation in mind when putting in music is what I'm saying, having less of something can sometimes be better than having a ton of them.

Thanks for trying to weigh in here.

Honestly if I had the talent and/or patience to turn this into a visual novel and write master-class music for it, I'd just do that. That way the soundtrack would flow perfectly into it and everyone would enjoy it without having to click anything.

It does switch tracks pretty often sometimes. The tracks have to be fitting though. That's why there are so many of them. I guess some people who might try to use them might hate them. If they do, "oh well" I guess. If they have suggestions for better tracks to use or specific recommendations to take some out and use a single track instead, I would be willing to listen though. At this point I'm thinking half the people who read the fic (or maybe even most) won't have the reasonable ability to utilize the soundtrack and I bet half of those that could won't even bother to try to use them. Well.. if no one uses them, at least I will still enjoy them...

A little advice: For these thoughts by Nameless, you could just either turn them into italics or build them into the narrative because to me, it gets kinda repetitive just reading 'I thought to myself' every time he's thinking of something.

Dialogue tags should be punctuated. I think I'm gonna put a link for a video about dialogue tags if I see some more errors.

Thanks, I think I'm going to try to build them into the narrative. Agreed it might be annoying to readers. Added to the to-do list.

I question why would he even have two headphones in the first place and now that I'm asking that, where the heck did he find or get headphones in the first place? I thought he was robbed of everything but his cards when he got here?

(Okay, just reread the beginning and honestly, kinda weird that they'd steal his wallet but not anything else)

Ok I went back to specify that they are earbuds. Thanks!

As for them stealing his wallet, they don't want to leave him with money he can buy food with I suppose.

Wow, that's sad. She's like the only one here that actually respects Mr Nameless and nobody gave her anything before? Not even her parents?

Maybe I'll give her more of a backstory at some point. This is definitely the sort of thing that lends itself to one! But yes, I'm going with that as a fact of her life. Thanks for the reaction!

Well, that just sounds incredibly stupid. He's not exactly rolling in money and yet he's still willing to waste money doing something he knows doesn't help.

Understandable reaction. I went back and added a bit more for this thought process on it. It should make a little more sense now, but objectively speaking, his bribery is indeed a useless waste of money and has no effect because the coinflips in the game as I played always had a 50% chance of heads or tails lol...

Also it just dawned on me that his phone lasted days without charging like christ, my phone can barely last two and half hours without combusting. Guess Pokémon tech's pretty crazy here.

That it is. So much so that their techology becomes a big part of the main plot later!

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hello, finally found the time to do this review! Hope you're having a fine day!

Chapter 2 quick summary:

A bit of a revision here since I've already read this part so I'll be brief. Mr Nameless goes to the Fighting Fortress, duels, wins then goes to the Colourless Altar on Dodou's back, meets three goofball fanatics and run away before finally reaching the Psychic Fortress.

He meets three fanatics again but this time, they don't impose their rules on him! Like wow, the first few people who actually have personal boundaries and respect other people.

Though instead of going immediately to beat the leader, they drag him to a meeting of the fanatics and somehow they rope him into becoming their leader and together they decide to rebel against their king.

Mr Nameless goes to Clair, beats her and learns of the reasoning behind his kidnapping and then he goes to beat up the king. And through the power of shonen magic (AKA getting the shit beaten out of him), the king sees the errors of his way and lets him go.

Then The End... for now...

Brief bit of Chapter 1:

I reread the chapter a bit and I can say that it's definitely improved a bunch, the personalities between the fanatics are a lot more thorough and distinct now and each of them were a lot more fun to read through. Ellen and Cassie are still my favourite of the bunch and I really like knowing the small backstory of Ellen in Chapter 2, makes her a lot more endearing and cute.

So yeah, that's about it for the new chapter 1.

Chapter 2:

Okay, heading to chapter 2. The Doduo bits, I really like the added moments in chapter 1 and chapter 2. It made me like the little bugger a bit more than before and the scenes where it gives little Ellen rides were cute. Hopefully future chapters will show more of the Dodou's personality and his interactions with Mr Nameless since I do wanna know more about the bird aside from his masochism. The scenes with Ellen show that he does have some form of empathy or sympathy so...

The duels, they were nice though a bit wordy like walls of text, while I understand that they're not that important to the story. I do think it'll be nicer if you've broken them up into multiple paragraphs rather than just one big wall.

Then the pacing of the chapter was certainly a lot better than the previous, unedited chapter 1, it didn't feel like too much or too little happened, there are little places where the story takes breaks for the reader to catch their breath

The fourth wall breaking with Clair, I'll be honest and say that it just wasn't for me, it did kinda take me out of the story when it happened but I don't think it mattered too much to change it. Though it is kinda ridiculous that the Internet is something that doesn't exist in this world especially when y'know, smartphones, headphones and stuff exist here.

So yeah, I liked this chapter, the funny bits were funny and it was a nice read.

And here's my line-by-line comments though they're mostly grammar or spelling errors:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

Chp 1:

First, i paid a visit to the lobby and of course it had a

Missed capitalising an 'I'

Apologies if kidnapping has inconvenienced y

Missing a 'my' between these

You know whats more boring than watching grass grow

Missing an apostrophe

The floor was covered in straw with bails of hay stacked in all the corners

Wrong form of 'bale'

She as wearing another one of the straw hats with

Mispelled 'was'

change my deck to suite her fancy!

Wrong 'suit'

I spoke first "Good

Forgot to punctuate the dialogue tag.

Before I could make it to the water fountain, I finally heard a voice from the headphone!

I think this is a bit inconsistent since I think that was supposed to be 'earbuds'

Quickly i attempted to explain the situation thus far,

Needs a comma between these and gotta capitalize the 'i'

Utterly perplexed, I made may way towards the furthest depths of the Fire Fortress.

Mispelled 'my'

Chp 2:

Alan was somewhat shorter than the other 3 and was slightly chubby.

This should be 'three'

As I approached the imposing psychic fortress I was met outside by 3 hooded individuals in purple robes.

Missing a comma between these and this should be 'three'.

So regarding numbers in writing, usually you should write them down as actually words, like two, ten, four, or fifteen. Writing their actual numbers should usually only be done if the number is huge like 361,081 or if you're talking about date or time, see: 2/12/23 or 09:14. Though I'm not entirely sure about negative numbers but they're probably fine to write down as symbols.

As you all know, its very hot at work every day,

but its been so hard on him and he always helped me understand that we just don't have the budget for it.

Should be "it's' here

Seth spoke "Gentleman, we shall now see what you are made of. Do be gentle with me.” he said as he peered undaunted, totally unbothered, and actually amused.

This here should be removed as there's already a tag at the end of the dialogue and the period should be a comma as the tag's a dialogue tag.

She then pulled out a box stuffed full of hoodies and continued "Please everyone take one, we have ordered enough in all sizes for everyone except Jacob!"

Yeah! Fuck Jacob in particular!

Also gotta punctuate the tag.

pocketed my deck. "Erm.. yes very good then, carry on my wayward companions we shall make our way to the psychic fortress and then to the castle! Rest assured that I shall rest in this chair until I am needed and only after I am given another pretzel for the journey ahead!"

Lol okay, I've no idea what the fuck just happened but apparently, Mr Nameless's the leader of the fanatics now

After getting my water I proceeded to the inner chamber

Need a comma between these here

Doduo looked down them, but didn't appear to have much interest in the

Missing an 'at'

He also had a pair of goggles resting on his forehead with the lenses containing the large red letters: GR.

Lol, how does he see out of those goggles if the GR's stuck on the lenses.

proclaimed that passage to the upper floor with Clair is only permitte

Missing a 'the'

It had a huge monitor along the back the size of two of the largest tv's

Apostrophe ain't needed here.

My survaleince system helped

Mispelled 'surveillance'

You could have said no." she said with a sly smile

Dialogue should end with a comma if followed with a dialogue tag, it should only be a period if it's followed by an action tag.

In truth, I have long awaited a chance to show to our king the error of his ways, but he is far to stubborn to listen to this old crone.

Should be 'too'

I told the king to hire GR citizens to fix this, but hes always droning on and on about needing more money to procure rare cards

Missing an apostrophe

Arriving back outside the fortress, i informed Heidi of her mother's involvement.

Forgot to capitalize

She.. what?? She already knew

Missing one more period for the ...

Upon arrival to the gates of the castle I was met by an individual known as Clay.

Need a comma between these

At this he ceased his prattle, provided a salute.

Need a comma between these and also replace this comma with 'and'

Doduo in prepairation for dueling bowed to let Ellen dismount.

Doduo, in preparation for dueling, bowed

After perhaps the most fierce struggle my allies had yet to endure fighting for our lives against the likes of Hitmonchan

This sentence here needs to be reworded as it's a bit confusing

How could I lose to deck full of commons

Missing 'a' between these

Allison exclaimed "Marvelous! Simply marvelous! To think we understood the game so little that we rely on our uncommons and rares to carry us to victory when our deck building skills and tactics are so sorely lacking! With your power, you should be able to challenge our king. Go forth stranger with your ragtag group of misfits - what do you call them? The Doduo Alliance!" She proclaimed as I inwardly cringed once more.

Ditch the first tag as there's already one at the end. Also 'she' shouldn't be capitalized as it's a plain ol' dialogue tag.

You have been the talk of the island as of late. Everyone anxious to see our duel.

Should be "Everyone's"

The gentleman who's skill at the Pokemon TCG knows no bounds.

Should be 'whose'

Anyway, that should be it for now. The revamped chapter 1 is definitely a big step up from before and chapter 2 has been a nice read so yeah. I'll see ya in the next review!

 

[133TFR33k]

Hi Shini! It's great to see your next review up!

First I want to say, thank you for all of the editing catches for spelling and wording. One reads over and edit multiple times and thinks it is good, but the errors just keep coming! Also, at this point, all of the things you are pointing out have been things I 'should' be able to catch but have of course missed. That video you posted about dialogue tags helped immensely and I reworked the entire fic to enhance it.

Chapter 2 quick summary:

A bit of a revision here since I've already read this part so I'll be brief. Mr Nameless goes to the Fighting Fortress, duels, wins then goes to the Colourless Altar on Dodou's back, meets three goofball fanatics and run away before finally reaching the Psychic Fortress.

Yep, your previous reviews prompted me to rework Doduo in chapter 1 and 2. I'm pleased with the result so far.

He meets three fanatics again but this time, they don't impose their rules on him! Like wow, the first few people who actually have personal boundaries and respect other people.

Yep that exactly what the gentleman is thinking. lol

Mr Nameless goes to Clair, beats her and learns of the reasoning behind his kidnapping and then he goes to beat up the king. And through the power of shonen magic (AKA getting the shit beaten out of him), the king sees the errors of his way and lets him go.

To be fair, the 2nd game story used this exact same logic as well. For the most part I wanted to follow the general logic and events of the story of the game but I did change several things as well to make it work better for the challenge run as I played through it. In general, I like to explain why this world works the way it does rather than change it. If there are details missing though, I have no problems filling in the blanks.

Brief bit of Chapter 1:

I reread the chapter a bit and I can say that it's definitely improved a bunch, the personalities between the fanatics are a lot more thorough and distinct now and each of them were a lot more fun to read through. Ellen and Cassie are still my favorite of the bunch and I really like knowing the small backstory of Ellen in Chapter 2, makes her a lot more endearing and cute.

You were the inspiration for me to expand upon Ellen so much. I hope you enjoy the future scenes with her.

Chapter 2:

Okay, heading to chapter 2. The Doduo bits, I really like the added moments in chapter 1 and chapter 2. It made me like the little bugger a bit more than before and the scenes where it gives little Ellen rides were cute. Hopefully future chapters will show more of the Dodou's personality and his interactions with Mr Nameless since I do wanna know more about the bird aside from his masochism. The scenes with Ellen show that he does have some form of empathy or sympathy so...

These scenes with Doduo and Ellen were written specifically with you in mind Shini. I will say that these new scenes also affect later chapters in the fic too. I'm pretty happy how they turned out and I'm thrilled to see you enjoy them!

Oddly enough, future chapters for a good while will focus less on Doduo but he will still be around, just less prominent than before. Part of the reason will be lots of world building and lore coming up to frame the remainder of the events of the fic. There is another character I will be introducing to fill the void that Doduo has completely occupied thus far. I look forward to future reviews from you and would be curious what you think.

The duels, they were nice though a bit wordy like walls of text, while I understand that they're not that important to the story. I do think it'll be nicer if you've broken them up into multiple paragraphs rather than just one big wall.

As usual, you're right! I'll give them a bit of editing to break up the blocks of text. Thanks for weighing in here!

Then the pacing of the chapter was certainly a lot better than the previous, unedited chapter 1, it didn't feel like too much or too little happened, there are little places where the story takes breaks for the reader to catch their breath

This is so good to hear, I was pretty sure what I did improved it, but you are making it sound like I nailed it! Thanks!

The fourth wall breaking with Clair, I'll be honest and say that it just wasn't for me, it did kinda take me out of the story when it happened but I don't think it mattered too much to change it. Though it is kinda ridiculous that the Internet is something that doesn't exist in this world especially when y'know, smartphones, headphones and stuff exist here.

Every time you point something out and I listen, the fic improves. (at least I think its been every time? Maybe I should keep a list... lol)

Yeah... I think this worked better when the fic was less well written. It kind of sticks out now. Clair is still going to have powers to see things you wouldn't think she should be able to see, but I think I do need to re-evaluate things here and make some edits. Thanks for calling me out on it!

So yeah, I liked this chapter, the funny bits were funny and it was a nice read.

Music to my ears! Thanks a bunch!

And here's my line-by-line comments though they're mostly grammar or spelling errors:

Yeah! Fuck Jacob in particular!

Exactly!

Lol okay, I've no idea what the fuck just happened but apparently, Mr Nameless's the leader of the fanatics now

Don't worry, the gentleman doesn't have much of a clue how/why it happened either. He just rolled with it.

If you want a more specific reason, the prophecy they mentioned is the reason they wanted to make him the leader. This will have positive repercussions for things on the island which you will be able to see the effects of later.

Lol, how does he see out of those goggles if the GR's stuck on the lenses.

Beats me. In the game he doesn't wear them over his eyes though. Probably because he can't see out of them lol...