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Sounds like an interesting premise! Let's ball! Or I guess let's...deal? Shuffle?
Right out of the gate I'm getting a clear image of what this chap is like. You call him a gentleman and he certainly comes across that way.
I can't help but notice the part where he talks about taxes is on April 15th, very sly.
Nemona would appreciate the spirit of this challenge, essentially starting over but not.
I was just talking earlier about Imakuni? since I was at a card event! Someone said they swore they had seen that card before and I mentioned the TCG game and he was like ooooooohhh yeah! Funny to see such a silly description of his role in the game
What an interesting concept with Doduo inhabiting the island. I would think Porygon, being entirely artificial, would be the only real pokémon, but nope, two-headed bird.
Multiple entries on a single day tell me that he brings his journal with him to the matches. Is that the case?
Ah, the note on May 20th answers that question! Although I can't help but think that should have been established closer to the beginning.
Oh yeah this was before the Kadabra ban. I guess Geller has never heard of TCG Island.
Also for some reason Murray is the only card league person I remember. That smug face...
Doduo is a frickin nut job. Get that bird to a therapist.
Ok overall it's interesting though I feel like the gentleman aspect faded over time. Some of the entries are very good and others are just "and then this happened". The constant footnotes are a bit distracting and I feel like they could have been put into the introductory chapter instead of through the fic.
Nevertheless I like the diary aspect a lot and think it's an interesting way to explore the game.
Sounds like an interesting premise! Let's ball! Or I guess let's...deal? Shuffle?
Right out of the gate I'm getting a clear image of what this chap is like. You call him a gentleman and he certainly comes across that way.
I can't help but notice the part where he talks about taxes is on April 15th, very sly.
Nemona would appreciate the spirit of this challenge, essentially starting over but not.
I was just talking earlier about Imakuni? since I was at a card event! Someone said they swore they had seen that card before and I mentioned the TCG game and he was like ooooooohhh yeah! Funny to see such a silly description of his role in the game
What an interesting concept with Doduo inhabiting the island. I would think Porygon, being entirely artificial, would be the only real pokémon, but nope, two-headed bird.
Multiple entries on a single day tell me that he brings his journal with him to the matches. Is that the case?
Ah, the note on May 20th answers that question! Although I can't help but think that should have been established closer to the beginning.
Oh yeah this was before the Kadabra ban. I guess Geller has never heard of TCG Island.
Also for some reason Murray is the only card league person I remember. That smug face...
Doduo is a frickin nut job. Get that bird to a therapist.
Ok overall it's interesting though I feel like the gentleman aspect faded over time. Some of the entries are very good and others are just "and then this happened". The constant footnotes are a bit distracting and I feel like they could have been put into the introductory chapter instead of through the fic.
Nevertheless I like the diary aspect a lot and think it's an interesting way to explore the game.
Nice idea with Porygon especially considering its in the actual deck! If I had planned this fic out in advance, perhaps I would have chosen Porygon for that role. I think the humor is an important part of the story though, and Doduo helps with that considerably. Obviously at this point, I wouldn't switch it to Porygon, but your idea has some serious merit to it.
So the diary in the game is the way you save the game. As this fic began as a ridiculous lets-play in written form, and the original intended audience was only those who played the game, there wasn't a need to specify that. Since I'm trying to make it more accessible to folks who have never played the game or the card game, so I could add a bit in about taking it with him everywhere he goes. Thanks for pointing it out.
Doduo is definitely a nutjob. Thats one of the reasons the story started to click in the early stages of writing it actually.
As for some diary entries being shorter with few details, sometimes diaries are just written that way aka I wanted to use it to help set it apart from the rest of the fic to help keep expectations on that part lower. The events on TCG island early on don't have too much baring on the overall narrative except for helping the reader to understand the protagonist, Doduo, and how the protagonist arrives on GR Island. It originally was Chapter 1, but I changed my mind and rebranded it as a Prologue since the rest of the fic is more detailed both in duels, characters, plot, and humor too really. That said, many duels are still not very detailed even later on, but thats partly because they were all games I played in the game itself.
I agree that the footnotes are distracting. I'm considering a way of weaving them into the narrative instead at least for some of them. I could put them in the introduction, yes, but I was worried it might front-load it too much if I did. I defnintely want to keep them in though as they allow readers to easily understand the duel aspect of the story and the games the story is based on. Unfortunately it seems that any way I attempt to solve the problem seems to have its drawbacks. If I add them all to the intro, it gets too long all at once and may bore readers and scare them away. If I weave them into the narrative, its harder for people who already know or don't care to skip past it. Leaving them in distracts from the narrative, but I tried to space them out a bit so it wasn't so much all at once. If I don't add them in at all, it makes it harder for folks to appreciate many of the details of the story. Whichever option I go with, I think its better to have them in than not at all. I appreciate your perspective on it. Its definintely one of the weakest aspects of the fic in my opinion. One good thing though is that in later chapters there are far less notes like that and they tend to be much shorter on average so it doesn't distract from the narrative much.
I will say that if you were able to enjoy the Prologue, you should have no problem enjoying the remainder of the story. If you disliked the Prologue, there is a decent chance you will enjoy the remainder of the story.
Hello! Hope you're having a nice day! Here's the 1st part of our little exchange!
So quick little summary:
Our MC like every player character beats everyone at the thing they're good at and become infamous and rich and after a couple of really bad financial decisions, he's broke and can't get money because his skills basically spooked all the other trainers around. Then after a couple of duels later, he finds a masochistic Doduo who becomes his semi-pet (I say semi because I don't think our MC exactly likes having it follow him) Anywho, after several montages of duels where he won about 90% of, he gets kidnapped in the middle of the night and discovers that he is now in the middle of nowhere with a note nearby saying that he is Team GR's plaything.
So there's a few things about the nearby I'd like to say about the prologue. First of the format is a little odd, I know it's supposed to be written like a diary and all but I can't say I could very easily dive right in to the fic without first steadying myself for a moment since like a diary, there are a ton of time skips. That said, it is certainly unique and I did enjoy reading it like that. Though I do hope the rest of the chapters aren't written like this, I feel like I'd get bored of the fic pretty quickly if it's written like someone recapping something.
And the author notes, to be honest I feel like you could've incorporated a lot of the information presented in them into the story itself rather than putting them in the AN 'cause it kinda sucked me out of the story whenever I had to click open the notes to know what a certain card does. And there were also a few that I feel could've just been ignored or not touched on until later. Like the fun fact about the diary could've been touched on at like an End of Chapter Author Notes or something and the little infobit about Team GR feels like you could've put into the story itself like say the MC has encountered them before or the MC has heard about them or maybe this is the MC's first encountering them and will slowly learn more about them later on.
Aside from that, I'm a little confused on how the cards work in-universe. Like do they throw out actual Pokémon out whenever they duel or is it holographic projections? Most Yu-Gi-Oh-esque fics I've read had them be magical monsters that gets summoned from another dimension and can cause havoc to their surroundings but this seems kinda half holograms half monsters from different dimension? I don't know. Bill and his teleporter threw me off since I'd already expected them to be more akin to holograms since they don't seem to do anything to the real world.
So aside from my gripes, I did enjoy reading through the prologue as the premise of the story is rather interesting and I do think there's a ton of potential here. Lots of interesting unexplored things since I don't think many people have even heard about the game this fic is based on (I certainly didn't).
Oh and also, almost forgot to add this but if it doesn't trouble you, could ya please put Threadmarks in your chapters? It'll help future readers and yourself alike since you can easily go to a specific chapter as well as figure out how many words a chapter has. (If you don't know how to do that you can put them in by editing the chapter and finding the Threadmark box, there you can put the chapter's name and number if you want)
So a bit of advice when describing a character. I feel like it would've felt a lot more natural if you didn't describe him at all (or at least not like the first paragraph)
'cause to me it felt a bit too out of place for him to just randomly describe himself in his diary. Something like this could work if we got a decent chunk of his character already (like say a teenager obsessed with their appearance or a noble jackass who's full of himself.)
Though if you do want to describe his looks right away, one thing I can advise is try and find an interesting way to describe himself like make a minor flashback about his mom saying how fair his skin was and how it makes him look so nice with his brown hair, how his time spent being an introvert or whatever made his skin pale as fuck or something along those lines.
Unfortunately, I’m now so infamous on the island that no one will duel me anymore! Due to the sudden lack of income, I had to sell my vast collection of rare and uncommon cards!
If you have a Doduo as a pet or companion and are using one in your deck, the real-life counterpart Doduo will be effected by opponents Pokemon card attacks! It is unclear why this happens but is a known and common occurrence.
Another thing if note is that while Doduo are common in our world, Dodrio is no where to be found. Apparently Doduo lacks the ability to evolve like it's card counterpart does. A most curious phenomenon!
He then demanded a duel with the stakes being that if he lost he would repair my window and become my butler, but if he won then I must allow him to kidnap me!
I... The fuck? This world runs on what basically amounts to game mechanics? Does everyone play card games to settle debates or something? Like, can a robber just walk up to some guy and duel them to rob them?
I'll be honest here, as funny as a masochistic Doduo can be. It isn't exactly my favourite character right now, and I kinda hate it honestly. It's just so... useless but I don't know maybe it just hasn't grown on me yet or maybe it'll have a character arc where it stops being so inconsiderate and selfish but as of right now, I hate the bird.
Attached to the note was a brochure map of GR Island detailing numbered locations and various duelists, kind of like what one might pick up at an amusement park. It even had an x drawn on it with a note “You are here”!
Jesus, just how big and rich is Team GR? Like an entire island and from what it sounds like a couple hundred or so inhabitants (unless a majority are just regular people) and also the hell did they kidnap the MC for if they could afford a damn island? Entertainment? Is Team GR really just this world's equivalent for Squid Game?
And that should be it from me for now, I'll try and see if I can get the next chapter down by the weekend. So take care!
Hello! Hope you're having a nice day! Here's the 1st part of our little exchange!
So quick little summary:
Our MC like every player character beats everyone at the thing they're good at and become infamous and rich and after a couple of really bad financial decisions, he's broke and can't get money because his skills basically spooked all the other trainers around. Then after a couple of duels later, he finds a masochistic Doduo who becomes his semi-pet (I say semi because I don't think our MC exactly likes having it follow him) Anywho, after several montages of duels where he won about 90% of, he gets kidnapped in the middle of the night and discovers that he is now in the middle of nowhere with a note nearby saying that he is Team GR's plaything.
So there's a few things about the nearby I'd like to say about the prologue. First of the format is a little odd, I know it's supposed to be written like a diary and all but I can't say I could very easily dive right in to the fic without first steadying myself for a moment since like a diary, there are a ton of time skips. That said, it is certainly unique and I did enjoy reading it like that. Though I do hope the rest of the chapters aren't written like this, I feel like I'd get bored of the fic pretty quickly if it's written like someone recapping something.
And the author notes, to be honest I feel like you could've incorporated a lot of the information presented in them into the story itself rather than putting them in the AN 'cause it kinda sucked me out of the story whenever I had to click open the notes to know what a certain card does. And there were also a few that I feel could've just been ignored or not touched on until later. Like the fun fact about the diary could've been touched on at like an End of Chapter Author Notes or something and the little infobit about Team GR feels like you could've put into the story itself like say the MC has encountered them before or the MC has heard about them or maybe this is the MC's first encountering them and will slowly learn more about them later on.
Aside from that, I'm a little confused on how the cards work in-universe. Like do they throw out actual Pokémon out whenever they duel or is it holographic projections? Most Yu-Gi-Oh-esque fics I've read had them be magical monsters that gets summoned from another dimension and can cause havoc to their surroundings but this seems kinda half holograms half monsters from different dimension? I don't know. Bill and his teleporter threw me off since I'd already expected them to be more akin to holograms since they don't seem to do anything to the real world.
So aside from my gripes, I did enjoy reading through the prologue as the premise of the story is rather interesting and I do think there's a ton of potential here. Lots of interesting unexplored things since I don't think many people have even heard about the game this fic is based on (I certainly didn't).
Oh and also, almost forgot to add this but if it doesn't trouble you, could ya please put Threadmarks in your chapters? It'll help future readers and yourself alike since you can easily go to a specific chapter as well as figure out how many words a chapter has. (If you don't know how to do that you can put them in by editing the chapter and finding the Threadmark box, there you can put the chapter's name and number if you want)
So yeah, now onto my line-by-line comments:
So a bit of advice when describing a character. I feel like it would've felt a lot more natural if you didn't describe him at all (or at least not like the first paragraph)
'cause to me it felt a bit too out of place for him to just randomly describe himself in his diary. Something like this could work if we got a decent chunk of his character already (like say a teenager obsessed with their appearance or a noble jackass who's full of himself.)
Though if you do want to describe his looks right away, one thing I can advise is try and find an interesting way to describe himself like make a minor flashback about his mom saying how fair his skin was and how it makes him look so nice with his brown hair, how his time spent being an introvert or whatever made his skin pale as fuck or something along those lines.
Lol, it's only been 12 days. What the hell did he waste all of his money on?
Wait what? Doduo are the only Pokémon to exist in this world? What about Dodrio? Or their Shiny variants? Is it really just them?
Dayum, seems like a really easy way for dirt bags to abuse Doduo
Guess that answers my question about Dodrio.
Huh, a masochistic Doduo.
This word isn't needed here.
This should be 'like'
Should be an "It's"
I... The fuck? This world runs on what basically amounts to game mechanics? Does everyone play card games to settle debates or something? Like, can a robber just walk up to some guy and duel them to rob them?
I'll be honest here, as funny as a masochistic Doduo can be. It isn't exactly my favourite character right now, and I kinda hate it honestly. It's just so... useless but I don't know maybe it just hasn't grown on me yet or maybe it'll have a character arc where it stops being so inconsiderate and selfish but as of right now, I hate the bird.
Jesus, just how big and rich is Team GR? Like an entire island and from what it sounds like a couple hundred or so inhabitants (unless a majority are just regular people) and also the hell did they kidnap the MC for if they could afford a damn island? Entertainment? Is Team GR really just this world's equivalent for Squid Game?
And that should be it from me for now, I'll try and see if I can get the next chapter down by the weekend. So take care!
No worries on the diary format. That's only the Prologue that does it that way. That's why I am calling it a Prologue instead of Chapter 1 too.
As for the card game rules notes...yeah people have been beating me to death over those lol.... Ok your making me cry uncle now. I'll now be working on adding a special scene where the protagonist tutors a 7 year old how to play. That will clear out a large portion of those notes. I'm going to have to work into that scene how the card games play out too and have the kid ask about holograms. I guess I'll also need to have an example of Doduo in action in the game to clear that up too. Also, I'll have the protagonist confirm that duels are how you make things happen in the world. It's Pokemon Trading Card game logic pretty much ripped from the game. I prefer to explain the world vs change it for the fic usually.
As for the placement of the other notes, I suppose I could relocate them to the end of the chapter instead of. I was trying to weave them in as things became relevant but maybe it's better to pile them up at the end. I'm sure once I do that though, the next person to review will harp on me for too many at the end and that they would be better near the things they talk about.... It's hard pleasing everyone.
I'm glad the prologue was still enjoyable though! I do think it's the weakest part of the fic, but hopefully will be better with implementing some of the fixes for the gripes about it.
Thanks for the bit about threadmarks I wasn't sure how to add them. I'll work on doing so though.
As for the Protagonist appearance, it wasn't in there to start with. Someone asked what he looked like, so I added it in. The protagonist does care a good deal about his appearance but not in a conceited way. Chapter 1 touches on that. I would have rather just put a fan art in to show him, but I don't draw and I've been too busy trying to figure out how to improve the writing of the fic to focus on that at least for now
Good point regarding his money getting gone I'm going to add that he stretched his budget to afford his home in order to take advantage of a special discount.
Thanks for the spelling/grammar errors point outs. I'll get those fixed
Don't worry the protagonist isn't exactly a fan of the bird either at least at this point in the story. Still a lot of story left for things to potentially develop, but I won't say how or to what extent.
I'm not totally sure how big they are supposed to be canonically. In the original story for the second game they invaded TCG island and stole all the cards from everyone there but they missed some and you free the island by beating them in duels before moving to their island. So they are big enough for that at least. Since they are ruled by a king they have a kingdom if that helps for scope.
Thanks again for the length of the review and candid feedback. The prologue needs more fixing up. You should have seen it in its original form. This is a good version compared to how it started.
Later Chapters will hopefully have less flaws for you to find.
April 3rd
After proving my worth as a card duelist on TCG Island by winning games against a slew of people who live on the island, I was able to gain a substantial amount of money! Apparently being this good at the Pokemon trading card game is not something that is easy to emulate! Perhaps graduating with highest honors from Pokemon Card Elite University gave me an edge? My deck is packed full of strong rare and uncommon cards is a force to behold indeed! For my 28th birthday this year, I was even able to purchase a home in an upper class neighborhood with the money my dueling earned me! I also purchased this fancy red formal-wear suite. Of course I had to visit the barber to trim my hair, beard, and mustache! Seeing myself in the mirror, I think it all comes together quite nicely. My light skin contrasted with my brown hair, brown eyes, and my red suit. I'll need to look my best for the tutoring session with Billy the 6 year old boy. His prestigious parents sought me out to help him with the most important part of growing up in our world: how to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game! I believe my late grandfather would approve! He always did stress speaking well, dressing well, manners, and kindness and I don't plan on failing the expectations he had for my life! Speaking of expectations, this is my first time writing in this Diary. My grandfather had mentioned this is a family heirloom and that it is meant to be used. As it is now mine, I will carry on the tradition and shall keep it with me at all times!
April 5th
Wanting to keep a record of my tutoring, I shall spare no detail in this section! I arrived at the Mansion for Billy's parents and introduced myself. It seems my appearance was suitable as they made no mention of it. Good thing I always strive to look my best! After being introduced to Billy, we relocated to the study where we began.
I spoke "Billy, do you know why I am here today?"
Billy replied "Sure Mr! You're here to teach me Pokemon Cards!"
I replied "That's right Billy! Are you excited?"
Billy replied "Sure Mr! Also, learning from you is a lot more exciting than reading tons of Authors notes scattered throughout the text or piled up like 12 of them at the end or something!"
I replied back with some confusion "What?"
Billy replied "What?"
I replied "Moving on then. Do you know what it looks like to play the Pokemon Trading Card game Billy"
Billy replied "OH! I know! You wear duel disks on your arms and call out these monsters that are holograms and play shadow duels!"
I replied "Sorry Billy, you must be thinking of some card game you saw on TV."
Billy looked disappointed. Almost disappointed enough to stop reading a fanfiction he would otherwise enjoy. One of those kinds of looks.
Billy then replied "Well there's still holograms though right?!"
I had not anticipated teaching a child to be this difficult, but I will see this through to the end!
I replied "Billy, there are no hologr-"
Billy interjected "I WANT HOLOGRAMS! THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY CARDS!"
Billy and I had to have a long chat about expectations but he eventually calmed down. After another conversation he finally understood the game is played with actual cards. I then was able to move forward with the lesson.
I spoke "Ok Billy so you know how I said the game is played with cards?"
Billy replied "You mean not-holograms?"
I replied "Exactly, its played with not-holograms. That's the same thing as cards."
Billy replied "What about it?"
I replied "There are cards that have a connection to our world beyond the card game."
Billy's eyes got big as he inquired "LIKE HOLOGRAMS?!"
I replied "One of them is, but its even BETTER than a hologram!"
Billy exclaimed "OOO! What is it? What is it???"
I replied with a confident grin "That my boy, would be Doduo."
Billy replied "Oh! I know those! The turkey birds that run around!"
I replied "That's right, the turkey birds. You want to know how they connect to the card game?"
Billy jumped up and down and announced "Yes!"
I replied "Ok so from what I know of Doduo, they are the only Pokemon to inhabit our world."
Billy interjected "Oh what about shiny ones??"
I replied "Sorry Billy, this isn't Neo Island, they have shiny ones over there but we don't get those over here. Shiny Pokemon in the card game didn't exist until the invention of the Neo sets."
Billy sighed and replied "Ooook... well what about Dodrio then?"
I replied "Doduo can evolve in the game but the Doduo in our world can't seem to evolve into Dodrio."
Billy asked "Why is that Mr?"
I replied "Well Billy, no one knows!"
Billy looked annoyed and replied "Then what good is Turkey-bird!"
I replied to Billy "Turkey-bird doesn't have to evolve to be useful in the card game, its fighting resistance is powerful and it has no retreat cost!"
Billy replied "Ooo! Those sound good! Tell me more about turkey-bird!"
I replied "If you have a Doduo as a pet or companion and are using one in your deck, the real-life counterpart Doduo will be effected by opponents Pokemon card attacks! It is unclear why this happens but is a known and common occurrence. If a Doduo Pokemon card gets knocked out in the game, the real-life counterpart Doduo will only briefly lose consciousness."
Billy looked confused and asked "But how does that work? IS IT HOLOGRAMS?!"
I replied "No Billy, it is not holograms. Doduo in real life here with us can suffer attacks from the cards in the card game! The cards don't affect us or the world in that way, but they do affect Doduo! Doduo can also feel its attacks upon Pokemon that would be from the cards! Its like Doduo has magic battles with Pokemon we can't see physically!"
Billy replied "But why does that happen Mr?"
I replied "No one seems to know, Billy. By the way, Doduo are common enough, that all buildings are contructed to be Doduo-freindly with scratch resistant flooring. Easier to try to accomodate them than it would be to obstruct them I suppose."
Billy replied "Thats why buildings have Doduo doors! Its for the turkey-birds!"
I replied "That's right Billy. Now about the other two cards I mentioned that have ties to our world, they are Gambler and Bills Teleporter."
Billy asked "Why those cards though?"
I replied "The reason is that those cards let you draw more cards and are very imporant for a deck made of all common cards. If I were to make a deck of all common cards, the coin filps required for those cards to work would be annoying!"
Billy inquired "But why do those cards have coin flips?"
I replied "Well Billy, its because Bill Incorporated owns the teleporter that makes the teleporter card work and Bill Incorporated also owns the gambling establishment and Bill doesn't like it when things work too well so he makes them fail sometimes with pesky coin flips!"
Billy replied "But who is Bill? His name sounds weird like he shouldn't even be in our world!"
I replied "Billy, I have no idea what you mean by that, but it seems that Bill is a person and he is here in our world"
Billy replied "Oh.. ok. Hey Mr. Why is everyone into the Pokemon Trading Card Game in our world?"
I replied "Billy, I don't know what you mean by our world since there should only be 1 world! Regarding your question though, everyone important plays the Pokemon Trading Card Game. Billy do you know how you stop a bully from picking on you?"
Billy replied "Punch him in the nose!"
I replied with a mortified look "Billy! No! We do not do that! Even criminals who are also insane don't do that! You have to settle disputes with the Pokemon Trading Card Game! If a group of foreigners invaded our land, held our people hostage and stole most of our cards, the only way to stop them would be by playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game!"
Billy replied "But that doesn't make any sense!"
I replied "Billy, maybe once you turn 7 you will be old enough to understand. Just trust me that the way you make anything important happen is with duels."
Billy replied "Oooook. So Mr. Are you going to teach me how to play with not-holograms now with turkey-bird?"
As this is a diary entry, I am adding this line here to denote that the remainder of this entry pertains to mechanics of how to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game. If I do not want to read how to play it, I should simply skip to the next diary entry.
I replied with a smile "I am indeed Billy! In the Pokemon TCG, you flip a coin to see who goes first.
Billy interrputed "Does Bill do that?"
I replied "No Billy, just because there is a coinflip doesn't mean its Bill's fault. Thats only for Bills Teleporter and Gambler."
Billy replied "Oh ok."
I continued "After that you have a hand of 7 cards. From this hand, you need to select at least 1 basic Pokemon. If you don't have a basic Pokemon, you shuffle and draw another 7 cards until you have at least 1. A basic Pokemon is an unevolved Pokemon. You cannot play evolved Pokemon by themselves. To play an evolved Pokemon card, you first must have had a basic Pokemon in play for 1 turn. When you play a basic Pokemon, you can put it in the active spot or the bench. Active is where a Pokemon can generally attack and receive attacks from the opponent in return.
Billy interrputed again "Ooo! Attacks like from turkey-bird!"
I replied "That's right Billy." I then continued "Once a turn begins, the player whose turn it is draws 1 card from their deck. The main types of cards are: basic Pokemon, evolution cards (to evolve basic Pokemon with), energy cards, and trainer cards. Trainer cards are used for a 1-time effect and then are discarded. They can do a variety of powerful effects and any deck is improved by including at least some. You can have no more than 4 of any 1 kind of card or Pokemon. Example: if there are different versions of Ponyta, you can only include a total of 4 with as many of that 4 being whichever ones you choose. Most of the most powerful decks contain roughly half of the cards as trainer cards."
Billy then replied "Thanks Mr. Can you tell me what the best cards are?"
I replied "There are 4 different rarities for cards: Common, Uncommon, Rare, and Promo. Booster packs would give primarily commons, some uncommons, and 1 rare. Promo cards could only be obtained by doing things outside of booster packs and are the most difficult cards to obtain. Generally, rarity translates to overall effectiveness."
Billy replied "But how do I get booster packs?"
I replied "To get those, you have to win duels! That's another reason you should build good decks and be good at the game!"
Billy replied "Oh ok! So how do I make turkey-bird attack?!"
I replied "Attacks require energy. To get energy, you have energy cards. To use the energy cards, you attach them to your Pokemon. Energy costs for attacks typically range from 1-4. You can only play 1 energy card per turn. Unless otherwise specified, energy you attach to your Pokemon stays attached to it so you can build it up over several turns to be able to attack. Each Pokemon has up to 2 attacks it can use, each with different energy requirements. Most attacks require at least some energy of that Pokemon's type.
Billy replied "Thats kind of confusing, can you give me an example Mr?"
I replied "Sure Billy! A fire type might need 2 fire and 1 colorless for an attack for example."
I then continued my explanation "Any attack requiring colorless Energy can use colorless energy to satisfy the requirement or any other kind of energy. Pokemon have HP that is reduced by attacks. Attacking ends your turn. Attacks and evolution cannot be done on the first turn of the game for either yourself or your opponent regardless of who goes first. If you bring an opponent's Pokemon's HP to 0, it is knocked out. Once that happens, your opponent discards their Pokemon and all cards attached to it to their discard pile and then then move one Pokemon from their bench to their active position. You then pick up one of your prize cards.
Billy replied "Ooo! I want prizes! What kind of prizes?"
I replied "Prize cards are cards from your deck that are set aside in a separate area before the start of the game and determine how long the game will be. The more prize cards are used, the more opponent Pokemon you will need to knock out to win the game. The number of prize cards is determined by your opponent but stronger opponents will typically mean needing to pick up more prizes."
Billy replied "Ok cool! So how do you win?"
I replied "You can win in 1 of 3 ways: by claiming all prizes, by your opponent not having a Pokemon to place in the active position after one of their Pokemon was KOed, or by your opponent being unable to draw a card from their deck at the start of their turn if they already drew all the cards in their deck."
Billy raised his hand and asked a question "Mr! Where can I find opponents?"
I replied "To find opponents, clubs are the easiest way and contain duelists that specialize in decks that their club pertains to. The grass club has decks with grass energy for example. Each club as a leader/master. Each club also has a lobby where you can talk to NPC's sometimes trade cards, and sometimes find opponents to duel. Clubs are located on TCG Island which is our island! GR Island has its own clubs which are called fortresses. Clubs only have 3 rooms and have fairly straightforward simple designs and decor while fortresses have several rooms and are more complex in design and decor comparatively."
Billy asked "But Mr, how do you know about GR Island?"
I replied "I read it in a magazine once!"
Billy replied "Ok so whats the easiest way to make an opponent lose?"
I replied "To do that, you should construct a good deck which uses types to target your opponent's weaknesses."
Billy asked "How do I do that and what's a weakness?"
I replied "Not to worry, Billy! I'll teach you both about weakness AND resistance!"
Billy clapped his hands excitedly.
I continued "Most Pokemon have a weakness. Some Pokemon have no weakness. If a Ponyta which is a Fire type with a Water weakness takes an attack from a water type such as a squirtle attacking for 10 damage, weakness means that the opponent will take double the damage and the Ponyta would take 20 instead of 10. Exploiting weakness is one of the best ways to increase damage against opponents. Having a variety of decks to take advantage of this, is a good strategy for beating most opponents. Some Pokemon also have resistance. A Pokemon most commonly has no resistance, but some Pokemon have resistance to Lightning, Psychic, or Fighting. Resistance will always be -30 which means attacks that Pokemon takes from a Pokemon who's type they resist is reduced by 30. This means damage of 30 or less is ignored entirely. Resistance is a powerful defensive capability."
Billy replied "But what if my opponent is targeting my weakness! What do I do?"
I replied "Ah, that would be a good time to swap your active Pokemon by retreating or switching your Pokemon! You can retreat your active Pokemon with another Pokemon from your bench after you pay the energy cost for retreating. The retreat cost can range from 0 to 4. Paying the energy cost means discarding a number of energy cards equal to the cost to retreat. Retreating can help to clear status effects and end some kinds of effects from attacks made by your opponent. You can also use some trainer cards or Pokemon powers to switch!
Billy replied "What types are Charizard and Muk?"
I replied "There are 7 Pokemon types: Grass, Fire, Water, Lightning, Fightning, Psychic, and Colorless. Charizard is a Fire type. Since there is no poison type, Muk is a Grass type."
Billy replied "How do I play Charizard?"
I replied "After evolving a Pokemon, you cannot evolve it again in the same turn. A Charmander cannot evolve into its stage 2 evolution Charizard but must first evolve into Charmeleon and then into Charizard after at least 1 turn has passed. Pokemon Breeder is a trainer card that allows you to bypass this resistriction and evolve a Pokemon directly to stage 2."
Billy replied "Ok I'm tired now."
I then bid Billy farewell. On my way out, I collected my fee from his parents.
April 15th
Unfortunately, I’m now so infamous on the island that no one will duel me anymore! Due to the sudden lack of income, I had to sell my vast collection of rare and uncommon cards! At least the proceeds allowed me to finish paying the mortgage off... only barely though as I had stretched my budget as tight as it could go to take advantage of the limited-time home discount! Good thing paying off a home lets it permanently belong to you! Could you imagine having something like a real estate tax but having no money to pay the tax so the government just comes and steals your entire house away just from you failing to pay a tax that was only a small fraction of the total value? What a horrible world that would be to live in!
May 1st
After pondering things for a while, I came up with a solution to my problem: from now on I will only use basic cards in my decks! No one will refuse to duel me if they know I am using all basic cards! It was starting to get boring winning with fully powered decks anyway... The challenge of this should also prove to be most stimulating!
May 2nd
I have constructed my very first all-basic deck! The list is as follows:
Voltorb. Thundershock: Flip a coin. If heads, the defending pokemon is now paralyzed. Group Spark: Does 20 damage plus 10 times the number of Voltorb in play. Retreat Cost: 0. Weakness: Fighting. Resist: none.
In game, Pokemon Trader is a common card rather than a rare card as its real life counterpart is. No more card pictures can be posted due to a 10 file limit for images so they will have the effects listed as spoilers instead.
Trade 1 of the basic Pokemon or evolution cards in your hand for 1 of the basic Pokemon or evolution cards from your deck.
Draw 2 cards.
Flip a coin. If heads, draw 4 cards.
Shuffle your hand into your deck. Flip a coin. If heads, draw 8 cards. If tails, draw 1 card.
Choose 1 of your opponent's benched Pokemon and switch it with his or her active Pokemon.
Switch 1 of your benched Pokemon with your active Pokemon.
Choose up to 3 basic Pokemon cards, evolution cards, and/or basic energy cards from your discard pile. Show them to your opponent and shuffle them into your deck.
With this, I should be able to avoid being too weak to any one thing and I can dish out large amounts of damage with Voltorb and boost it further with Porygon if needed!
May 3rd
I intend to take things slow at least for now. As such, I plan to visit the various clubs and duel all their regular members. If I can handle them, I will attempt to defeat the club masters as well!
May 5th
Duels have been largely successful so far! Type advantage is a powerful force indeed with Dark Rapidash allowing me to make quick work of the members of the grass club, and using Voltorb to vanquish the water club. I even defeated a rather strange fellow by the name of Imakuni?! His Snorlax was a fearsome foe but Porygon and Voltorb teamed up to take him down!
May 7th
In my most recent duel, I seem to have caught the eye of a Doduo! It just keeps following me around everywhere! I tried to communicate that I do not have the funds or the inclination to keep it as a pet or feed it, but it follows me anyway! From its general behavior, I can already tell that it is lazy and gets its feathers everywhere! On the other hand, if it causes people to take duels with me less seriously, it will likely reduce my chances of opponents refusing to duel me! Since I stand to benefit from this arrangement, I suppose I can tolerate it.
May 9th
Doduo continues to follow me and has begun taking attacks from my opponents cards... it actuallyloves it! Ridiculous! I realize that Doduo are common in our land but I usually don't have one around me long enough to realize if such behavior is common to them or not! At this point, I find it incredibly unlikely that this bird will ever leave me be. I have never seen such a stubborn Doduo! I couldn't leave it behind even if I wanted to. Its recovery from attacks is simply too fast as are the legs that carry it!
May 11th
I have now cleared the science club too but have now suffered my first loss against John of the Fire club! I only had Doduo, Porygon and 1 Voltorb to work with. There was simply no ability to draw enough cards as Gambler malfunctioned and his Magmar set me back too far even after I KOed it. I shall see how he does in the rematch though!
May 11th
The rematch was successful, but oh no! Now we fell victim to the dreaded Johnathan who kicked us while we were down with only a Ponyta to our name with no energy! Unfortunately, the teleporter constructed by the illustrious, Bill, had failed to draw cards 2 times! After being on hold for several hours with the Bill’s company after the duel, I learned that despite a team of IT working around the clock, the malfunction is expected to continue for some time despite my pre-paid teleportation services! Perhaps it will be functioning once more in the next duel? Bill’s company is also responsible for the outcome of the Gambler card but those are the only cards the company affects the results of.
May 11th
Alas, Bill’s gambling establishment has not yielded the 8 cards I was so clearly in need of! Now I suffered another loss at Johnathan’s hands! Oh the shame! Surely my adventure shall not be ended right here by the likes of that pompous windbag! If I still had my rares he would not have stood a chance! Then again, he would have simply refused to duel me and then I would be getting nowhere...
May 11th
I did not want to lose against my arch nemesis, Johnathan again, so I made arrangements to wait until 8pm to duel again since the teleporter seems to be more stable at night for some reason... Perhaps there are less users at that time? I also decided to bribe an employee of the gambling establishment. Although my funds are low, hopefully the investment will pay off and my cards will now work as they should.
May 11th
My plan appears successful! I won 3 duels in a row against Johnathan. Hopefully his victories against me will prove to be just dumb luck.
May 11th
Although I have been earning plenty of booster packs from my victories as is the general custom in any duel, I have simply been selling them to earn more money since I already have a full play-set of all the basic cards anyway! Speaking of money, before leaving the fire club I found myself feeling quite hot in my suit and the lobby of the club was selling fans! Alas, all of the Scyther themed fans were sold out. There were still fans left, but they were all Doduo themed! Oh well, better to feel the breeze of a fan with Doduo than be miserably hot without it. I purchased the fan and made great use of it for the next 30 minutes. Doduo of course was quite smug regarding my purchase as it danced about gleefully.
May 14th
I decided to challenge the psychic club next. Of course they foretold my arrival but they also knew I would win! Some stress-free duels was a nice breather after the mishap at the fire club. My foes here could only gaze with looks mixed of equal parts wonder and dread as I sliced through them like an inordinately heated knife upon a particularly flimsy stick of butter! Upon their dispatchment, they illuminated thusly that I should make haste for my rivals in lighting at their club of origin.
May 16th
The lightning club has fallen. Nicholas mounted a valiant defense as I struggled to procure the 2nd lightning energy in the game for something akin to 15 turns...My next destination will be the fighting club!
May 18th
The fighting club offered Chris as a worthy opponent. After losing the first bout, I redoubled my efforts and brought him down a peg in the next! Jessica was the last of the resistance to crumble. Only 1 club now remains. Its lightning resistance is most unsettling. The rock club!
May 20th
At last, the begrudging boulders have been blasted out of bounds! Ah, such splendid use of alliteration! It's a good thing I don’t plan to allow anyone to read this diary! How embarrassing that would be! Anyway, the leader of the bunch proved to be Matthew who after thwarting my efforts once was not able to repeat his success!
May 22nd
At this juncture, we now find ourselves embroiled and entangled in a most expert extrication of the leaders of each club. Our first foe shall be the green goddess herself, Nikki! It would seem her "Nik" name of goddess is well deserved as she harnessed the power of Pokemon Breeder to dash, decimate, depreciate, and destroy my designs by bringing forth on turn two of the game, a Venusaur bent on becoming my biggest bane! If such tactics are to be repeated by her, this may end my bid for greatness before it can truly begin! A rematch cannot not be avoided if I am to prevail!
May 22nd
To my great pleasure, I was not only afforded the honor of the initiative in our 2nd bout by winning the opening coin-flip of the game, but I called forth the mighty Dark Rapidash to tread upon her schemes. Suffice to say I Nik'ed her good that time! Ah my humor is quite humorous indeed! Almost a shame my diary shall never be read by anyone! My next foe shall be the mermaid of the sea, Amy of the water club!
May 24th
The power!!! Overwhelming power the likes of which no foe has ever faced. An unstoppable torrent of 80+ damage attacks starting on turn 2!! To say that she had no chance doesn't begin to describe the utter folly of her attempts to undermine my challenge!
May 26th
My next defeated club leader was of the science club, Rick! I shall now make our way to the one who wields the pure flame, Ken, leader of the fire club!
May 28th
There are most who quench flames with water and some who fight fire with fire. But it turns out if you just zap fire, it subsides rather easily! At least, that is how it must have appeared to curious onlookers as I tore through all opposition Ken threw at me! Upon completion of the duel, I received a letter from none other than Murray leader of the psychic club! "The fates have aligned and the over-performing deck of the basic masses must have its satiation upon me". Who was I to contradict the leader of psychic phenomena? To Murray!
May 30th
Satiation is indeed what occurred but not without a bout with the monstrous Mewtwo! Aided by the schemes of the vile Mr Mime which prevents weaknesses from functioning, it thwarted all efforts to bring it down in a single blow. A number of my allies fell to its might before bringing the abomination down. Thankfully the Kadabra that followed fell just short of victory. With this latest triumph, I now set my sights on the leader of lightning, Isaac!
June 1st
Alas, the problem with bribing the employees of the gambling establishment is that once the develop a taste for the finer things in life they begin to dream big. Just when the 8 cards from Gambler was needed, I found the odds were once again outside of my favor. It appears more funds must be drained from the wallet now for the continued success of the bribery.
June 1st
What is a gentleman such as myself to do with a single Doduo faced with an Electabuzz? The answer is peck it twice and fall in disgrace. At least the rotund bird was doing its part for a change with successful coin flips before collapsing in a messy mass of feathers. (They always take such an absurd amount of time to clean and they stick to most objects with incredible ease!) Needless to say, I lost, but I shall not accept such an outcome! Honor demands a rematch!
June 1st
When the rematch began, to my great dismay what should unfold but the exact scenario from the last game! Now the gambling employees refuse to stack the odds even with the additional funds! Does their rudeness know no bounds? Whats more that Bill's Teleporter was yet again malfunctioning! There must be something afoul at foot here. Though these setbacks were grave indeed, I managed to achieve stabilization and forged a path to victory! (Unfortunately there are now additional feathers that require removal as that fat bird continues to revel in its masochistic tendencies…)
June 1st
Upon completion of that competition, a man approached me from the shadows and asked to meet him outside. As it turns out he wanted to conduct a short interview with me! The interview pertained to my exploits with FlashFire!. The more people that know I am using basic cards, the less I have to explain to opponents who would otherwise refuse to duel me! I gave the man as many details as he wanted even though the mask he was wearing was somewhat disconcerting despite or perhaps because of the smile the mask had. Apparently he is from a completely separate island, known as GR Island! He had mentioned his king was scouting unusual talent and had sent him here to gather information. Such a curious individual, but no matter! With that now behind I now travel to the fighting club to test my mettle against its leader, Mitch!
June 1st
After greasing the wheels a little more, the gambler card yielded the payoff owed to me! As for Bills Teleporter, the IT investigation determined it had been unplugged roughly half of the time! I do hope they determine the cause of such strange happenings as they do not provide refunds when the device fails to receive power! Regarding my foe, the battle against the brute was building bombastically before the final bow was brokered as I claimed the final prize of the game. Our final opponent on my fair island is the leader of rock, Gene the great!
June 3rd
Gene the immovable, Gene the undaunted, Gene the master of pesky resistance to lightning. Though he resisted, he was not the immovable object he appeared to be. The culmination of our duel pitched Onyx against Doduo. No doubt that bird lays about on purpose so it can get hit more often as the coinflips required for its damage failed often! It takes a perverse delight in spreading it feathers about like the plague it is... Begrudgingly though, I must admit the effectiveness of that fat lazy excuse for a bird here. I suppose I shall endure the cleaning of its feathers with less of the usual frustration.
June 3rd
My challenge is now complete! There can be no doubt that even with a deck comprised purely of common cards I still remain strongest in the land and now I am no longer lacking in funds! If this shows anything, it is that with iron resolve, a deck full of commons and fat lazy birds, one can prevail despite the failure of bribery and the failure of power reaching a critical device!
June 4th
Later that next day, I was in my study, sipping the sweetest cup of tea when a masked man swung in through my window! He was wearing a mask with the symbol for colorless energy prominently featured, just like the one the reporter who interviewed me had! He then demanded a duel with the stakes being that if he lost he would repair my window and become my butler, but if he won then I must allow him to kidnap me! Of course I challenged him, figuring my chances to be good indeed and I could certainly use a butler! Despite my exuberance, the duel proved to be intense! He used many colorless Pokemon with high HP like Chansey and Snorlax and a massive torrent of energy removals! In the end, I wasn’t able to KO a single one of his Pokemon and the duel ended in bitter defeat! As he approached to bind me, Doduo jumped out and stood between him and I! My foe took a step back at this bracing for an attack from the bird.... But the bird just stood there. Blinking, staring vacently. Exhibiting no aggression! My assailant then threw out a capture net upon it which caused it to tumble. It then made a pitiful lazy excuse for a screech as it was hurled into the sky by some kind of anti-gravity device from a blimp in the sky! As the fat bird ascended, its movement and expression was that of pure joy. Before I had a chance to attempt escape I found myself bound in a net as well and suffering the same fate as the bird! The moment I was aboard the blimp I was promptly gagged and put to sleep by means I cannot recall.
June 5th
When I awoke I found myself on an unfamiliar island with a note attached to my deck of cards laying nearby: "If you wish to return to your island, you must seek the king of this land and earn his favor! To do so, you must defeat all willing opponents using nothing but common cards. Unwilling opponents are those that require you to change the cards in your deck. If they do this, they are unpopular social outcasts whom no one likes but merely tolerates. Their favor is meaningless. Oh and don't count on any booster packs to help you either. Instead we will be giving out IOU's for you to claim if you can defeat the king. If you do not seek the favor of the popular folk of this island, you shall simply starve as the inhabitants of the island (both popular and unpopular) find amusement in your suffering. -GR Psychic Leader Clair" Attached to the note was a brochure map of GR Island detailing numbered locations and various duelists, kind of like what one might pick up at an amusement park. It even had an x drawn on it with a note “You are here”! Doduo of course was nearby. I'm sure they could have kept it and sold it, but the way it spreads its feathers about likely made it more trouble than it was worth. Apparently the bird finds the prospect of starving amusing as it rolled around in the grass littering its feathers about. But feathers, however irritating they may be, were the least of my concern in such a situation...
Authors notes:
Imakuni?! is a joke duelest the game included with a weird battle track for any duels. He is one of the weakest duelists and plays badly. You can easily earn cards by defeating him, but he travels around the various clubs and fortresses so it can be hard to find him.
Apparently it is possible that actual Pokemon roam the islands in the games but you never see any. I took this concept and applied it only to Doduo for the story.
FlashFire! uses Porygon to switch weaknesses of opponents Pokemon to increase damage done by Voltorb and Dark Rapidash. Porygon can then retreat on the following turn with its 0 retreat cost without paying energy to swap in the Pokemon the opponents Pokemon is now weak to. AI in game cannot perceive the threat of weakness being switched with Porygon, so your ability to retreat to attack the new weakness is not something the AI opponent will try to prevent by retreating their active Pokemon which would clear the effect of Porygon's Conversion attack. This makes Porygon great vs AI but not nearly as much vs human opponents. Doduo has fighting resistance which allows it to defeat a variety of opponents of that type. Porygon also has Psychic resistance. Lightning resistance would greatly diminish the value of Voltorb, but Porygon can make it so that a ground type like Diglet changes its weakness to lightning. Resistance applies after weakness, which allows Voltorb to defeat things that resist it.
In the sequal to the original game, Team GR (aka Great Rocket) invades the island and steals all the Pokemon cards from those on TCG island using a blimp that sucks the cards up into a weird light which I interpreted as anti-gravity technology for the purposes of this story. The members of team GR wear masks representing different energy types and the first part of the game involves the player traveling to the different clubs to free them from Team GR to assemble a coin to allow them to use the newly added airport on the island to travel to GR Island. The player would then need to defeat all of the members of Team GR at each fortress in order to proceed to GR castle where the final duels of the story of the game take place. Team GR has several duelists that require you to use specific cards in your deck or to avoid using certain cards so the player is forced to craft multiple decks to proceed through the story.
The gameboy color games can save the game, but it calls the ability to do that the "diary". Thus when you save the game the game indicates that "Insert Protagonist Name" wrote in the diary.
Only the Prologue is written in diary format as an easy way to advance the plot to a point where the story becomes more interesting. All the remaining chapters will have much more details.
I will admit that the diaries are an interesting introduction but I also feel this might've work with a framing device. Say... the enemies that raided his home and kidnapped him went over his diary in order to assertain his character, making sure they know what they're dealing with. Maybe riff on them like it's a bad movie night.
That aside, I like how it feels like a legitimate different person from who you are actually writing these entries. The gentleman really comes off as a rich man above the common riff-raff. Especially with his comment on morgages and his self-congratulations on alliterations. Points for going off the beaten path. I hope the story to come will be fun.
Oh I like your idea here. I could potentially have an enemy read it or something like that to set up some forshadowing. I'll have to think about it. Thanks for your thoughts!
I see by the dates and segmenting this is going to be hyper-structured. That'll be an interesting change of pace from the usual free flow that occurs here.
Huh, so celebrity in this verse can lead to impoverishment when one becomes too well known? I imagine this would be a valid plot point for actual "ace" trainers in canon, except on the plus side you don't have to feed cards, keep them from killing other cards, or take them for walkies. As long as one is frugal, a winning streak should carry...
Keeps reading...
A house and a car? Scrap frugal, our gentleman pov is a class a feather head.
Grooming is a sort of ness. to function in society... ditto for the suit since I imagine battling in one's birthday suit is a nope... Granted if it was a designer, limited edition, custom fitted, and made of repurposed charmeleon leather, I could see it costing a justifiable fortune... but without expanding on what makes that suit awesome it seems a bit silly to add it on the expense list.
but if he sells his base decks he's not going to have the means to keep battling later... thus making his wins a windfall and non-sustainable...
Is it bad that I was plotting a few ways for him to keep his money coming in as he whined about cars?
One quibble plot-wise:
Original text:
Good thing paying off a home lets it permanently belong to you! Could you imagine having something like a real estate tax but having no money to pay the tax so the government just comes and steals your entire house away just from you failing to pay a tax that was only a small fraction of the total value? What a horrible world that would be to live in!
I would almost rec nixing this whole section as
1)a gentleman class trainer he's old enough not to be new to the housing market/system.
2) unless where he's from runs differently and you plan on showing it this section a bit excessive and could be condensed to "thank god I paid off my mortgage, now I need steady income to keep on top of my taxes/utilities/and snazzy suits."
In regards to his age. You mentioned he's 26? His word choice seems much older so if you hadn't mentioned it I would of thought he was an older gentleman. If you want to be overt, you could swing a mention of a birthday party. Or even swing that bad life choice car was a birthday gift to celebrate 26 if you want to....
I can see so many problems with his solution but it's his fiscal funeral.
Original text
I’m sure it also will be good for my wallet unless it turns out to be unfeasible.
So some thoughts on your breaking down the decks. Due to the pic limits, I'd suggest just leaving links to the cards. Or maybe a designated thread to show off the decks for the plot? Will you be flipping coins and notating the results against preplanned decks to add randomness to the play or letting the plot decide? While your detailing avoids the Yugioh problem of the pov pulling his shiny bazooka card put of his... you know... it does avoid the blue eyes white dragon at every port scenario... it's adding a lot of wordage that could be cut.
Also, it'd seem wiser to show the rules rather than dump them in chunks.
Perhaps have Gent do a few charity events to advertise his new leaf basic run where he walks kids through those rules as a lesson?
Anyway just throwing ideas at the wall.
Speaking of ideas, what this guy's name? Also, what does he look like?
Having your pov talk about how visiting went, showing the reader a club and him getting his hands wet with his new mode of operation would be funner than getting spoil tag hidden data dropped.
Also is Ink' the worst duelest ever with his own soundtrack, like Major B from the cube's stadium knock off? Why not have a scene where Gent is sweeping the grass club... and music draws closer... and closer... and he starts to recognize it and groans as In' plops across him, phone blaring his theme, armed with the trading card verse of six Magikarp and confident hes going to take names and win?
His relationship with the doduo makes me think of those old Liberty with Enu commercials.
You could easily drop the following authors note about wild mon as you just used your pov character to basically say the same thing.
Snorts and it only takes a loss at the hands of this mysterious Johnathan to have our pov miss his rares.
Again with the duel booster notes. You could show him taking and then selling a booster deck post-game without having to explain how it works since you just showed it.
You mention the players he takes on in each club, instead of talking type weakness as an author's note you could show by describing a few moves/plays how he navigates the card game type chart if you really wanted to show the gba game vs the gba card game one trick could be to stomp a novice who needed the altered type explanation, or just have p.o.v. milk it for a breezy win...
All these data drops on the mechanics could easily be threaded into narrative as I mentioned before. So I'll stop bringing that up.
So questi9n. I get mon are rare and very limited, but are their pokecenters here, or does our p.o.v. have to scrape his pet/sidekick off the sidewalk when he loses?
Because from what I remember doduo are big enough to carry a person...so that's a lot of scrapping.
An "interview" huh? I suspect our gentleman is going to get mugged...
Wait a king, and a mask, this feel pasio adjacent? I think we are going to see some action soon...
I'm sorry he agreed to what? Ohhh boy, I have so many snarky feels right now, and I am going to sit on them. Grudgingly.
And so the plot kicks in and... seriously it's pokemon card verse meets Don't Starve? Oh dear... wait, where's Turkey the sadomasochist feather dust- doduo. Did he get left at p.o.vs home? If so our protag is going to come home to a landslide of feathers.
Serves the featherhead right.
Review reaction Chapter 1
Will they accept ious? I really doubt it and it's such a golden boy rich thing to say...I know he's going the "playing humble to get money" road... but his reliance on bribes is a broad hint as to how flat that resolve is...
So Turkey did tag along, nice.
So he's treating the fortresses like clubs. Alright then. Granted he's got a fair justification for not going from place to place to level before backtracking to tackle the bigger fish... granted if there's too big a level difference between the lower tiers and upper he might not make it past Fortress One...
Though he could, in theory, ride his doduo from fort one to two ect.
Barks a tired laugh. Wow, he reeks of confidence,t reating his diary like his personal obituary. And he cements his status as a class a featherhead for it. Love how his priority is, editing out entries that make him look bad
(Nevermind confessing to do so, mid entry, looks really bad) resolving to write classy entries, then we are off to get nom nom.
Via winning.
Which is a huge assumption. If the closest fortress is geared to wreck flashfire he's in so much trouble.
Is a sane reaction to any and all i.v.r.s, not just the dodgy bill transporter network.
Whats do-turkey been doing all this time? Pecking at the sand, sunbathing, or headbutting the ground to get his pain funsies.
Or is that Headbutting? Does pet doduo have canon moves?
Candidly the popular/unpopular opponent is kinda confusing me... i mean if she doesn't drop money, then I can see why not, but still...
What is it with plant people/gardeners being one hop and skip away from going all big bad? Breath of the Wilds crazy gardener and this gal could compare notes...
Park-er? Who runs grass castle mc flamable land? Yeah gotta say the poor man never stood a chance.
Out of curiosity I get that p.o.v.s got a meal ticket hanging over his head and all that, but what do those running the fortress' lose when they... well lose?
What's the enemy trainer's stakes beside them living on g.rockets land and playing roadblock while the newest dropped-off interloper wins and powers up?
No no-one will ever solve the mystery of the horrors of transporter i.v.r. chicken. Is p.o.v.s phone going to run out of charge at some point? Because it would be darkly hilarious if he gets to the right department only for his device to get to 0%.
So, question. As Nintendo usually either goes all out as hardcore as it can with each system's soundcard... or doesn't... (gb titles were usually hit and miss....) what do you think that p.o.v. ls wandering around, perpetually hounded by hold, isnt registering to the island inhabitants as his personal (or the games) ost traveling theme/battle theme, depending on where he is at (and what depo is holding his phone hostage).
Because he's so worried about food /starving I keep imagining p.o.v. offing a mon in the card game and some stage right aide shuffling forward with some finger food and passing it his way. A sushi roll. A half a sandwich. Maybe a handful of fries.
It's the big bad/fortress person's dinner, just to add insult onto injury. And its been cut into sixths and passed out for each person to get a sixth with each mon they off. Longer battles get desert btoke down and doled out. Really brutal neck-and-neck battles are interspaced with nom breaks as both sides cut off to eat the portions they earned, digest, and then pick up the battle after a placid span.
Additives like coffee with sugar and cream require and extra battle just because...
Greet to offer salutations
Great to indicate grandour
Of course, rabid plant girl and Pikachu nerd are bffs. I wonder if they'll become a sort of evil joke squad that has to be taken down later, or an elite four sort of thing... and now we have a lightning specialist chip in the crew...
And Jacob... I suppose playing their game by their rukes could net a ton of energy cards of that type if you were lacking/needing but I think Rocket Isle just needs to update its rabies shots and be done with it.
Out of curiosity what happens if you take on the rabid ones in canon?
Was it all Magikarp-themed? Karp hats, fishy coasters, sea-scented car vents, if it was a Karp phone charger.... where would the phone plug in... worse where would the electricity port plug in?
I've lived that... granted it was religious enthusiasts who tailed me a whole city block but still... nothing but utmost sympathy for p.o.v. at this point....
Oh god p.o.v.s reaction reminded me of something... one moment...
You think this card duelist is nuts may I point out every one trainer gen 1 and up as well as every yu'gu'oh card pull ever?
So Brook the charbroiled might have been funnier if she was a fire-type user, just saying...
Considering how they're holding food over your head for wins i suspect NEVER mentioning bribery would be a sane and safe route...
This poor p.o.v. he's never been to Hoenn has he.... he probably should never ever visit. So, question... wheres do-turkey-duo? Because if he doesn't spontaneously break out into molt from the temo change.. I will be saddly disappointed.
Also, how are all these duelists/fortress staff persons reacting to a giant two-headed bird pantomiming attacks/getting attacked, and clicking on his tip talons down the halls and asles?
Will some angry waitstaff be waiting to pounce p.o.v. when his pet turkey wracks up some damage?
Mr. Bribery meet Ms. emotional manipulation... amusing even p.o.v. has some standards.
He whines about 110.. poor thing... definitely not fire-type master material.
Love how he's starting to give the rabid citizens the excuse of heat stroke... and it likely holds true...
So how was there more lava? We got gushing fountains from wall pipes, right? So is the duel center on an island over a lava pool ala Mario stage convention. One extra pipe w magma? How is it different besides hotter? Lo e how the leader gas a.c. clothing.
How is p.o.v. getting from place to place. Walking, doduo riding, steeling a scooter on the ground? Is he ever going to eat first...
Also, how is he sure that Bill's transporter woes aren't a cleverly played ploy to garner p.o.v.s sympathy and defang his ire with a well-concocted lie?
Though now his personal theme music (aka the hold music) has stopped, how will he set the tune to his trampling his enemies and taking their money?
Also, is someone going to feed and water the gent soon he must be dying at this point.
... so the phone finally ran out of charge
... I guess turk-duo could fill the musical void by singing... a duet...
P.o.v. is going to have monotype trauma at this point. There's going to be a monotype challenger for him when he gets home and he's going to curl up un a ball and break out in sobs...
if you think doduos smugness as being top dog against a fighting gym is bad imagine one of these critters in a stereotypical bug-type gym...
Cue smug preening plus an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I was going to say I expect the leader got his head stuck in a paper bag and that's what took so long.... and really that's not too far off tbh.
Wait... his name is Brutis... funny that considering its ides of March and everything...
And turkey-duo proves to be as unsettling as ever with his fixations... fun times. And it's rubbing off on p.o.v.... I almost want to advise p.o.v. to run, but the bird is likely faster.
P.o.v. "I wonder what colorless is like"
My kneejerk reaction: well an eye bereft of common color sensors makes everything goes greyscale. Which is ironically a color.... or if all light sensors are 100% offline... well there's no sight.
I suppose they could go all out, grey-themed everything, from uniform to body paint, to architecture... or they could have a little path leading to where you need to go and then pop a bag over your head right before you see your goal, and leave it on... since total darkness equals colorless.
Technically.
On a more somber note, I suspect p.o.v. is going to be meeting his mugger/abductor right now. I'm sure doduo's looking forward to another round of being trussed about and tied up... the lunatic.
Doduo gives off mad nifty vibes from Hazbin, just saying...
As for showing it... perhaps during the first duel where doduo takes a hit detail that its feathers get ruffled. And when it's called to attack it bounces around pantomiming pecking at something? And no one reacts, since it's an everyday thing... except p.o.v. who is like "feathers getting everywhere".
Perhaps during the "garbage run" heavy game the bird gets.progressively filthier? With a pause give it a bath?
I do enjjoy the duels. But I'm rather detail-centric so take that enjoyment with a grain of salt.
Mission report breakdown...
Kh nerd I am I'm imagining this in an ansem report situation...
Wonder what sources ominous McEvil is tapping. I still expect Bill but again that's my pet fan theory. Snorts, I love how everyone is freaking out over his basic clause. I wonder how a monotype might be received? (Besides from adoration for the proper energy team)
I wonder why evil!p.o.v. is so insistent that everything hinges on p.o.v.
This also establishes molep.o.v. as a second in command.. nuce.. adds to the ominousness..
"King. " should be capitalized as it is a proper title.
If he's talking about Mint.. I don't disagree all that much. So molep.o.v. is the abductor (who is confirmed later to be Seth). I imagine they needed so much rope for that doduo...
GR's blimps are quite well stocked for tasks such as these after all.
Alright, so this level of wordiness (points to quote above) feels "gentleman's voice". As p.o.v. rambles quite a bit I suggest slicing down where you can. This way molep.o.v. doesn't sound like gentp.o.v. this will avoid tonal confusion.
Going forward I struck through all extra words to help make a different tone without changing your text too much. Try it out loud and if you like it keep it. Otherwise no worries.
Now all I need do is bide my time. I will strike at night when he is unlikely to have any guests that could potentially aid him. I will have to forgo the duel requirement though since a refusal to duel from him would require a massive overhaul to stage 1 of the plan. From what I have heard though, I am far from needing a duel requirement in order to defeat him anyway, and his confidence should be at an all-time high...
I have read through his Diary and understand his deck thoroughly. His latest entry was amusing to read which is why I left him able to access his diary and write in it before putting him back to sleep again.
So wait... did molep.o.v. write in the diary? Because I thought the ransom "play or starve" was written on his deck? Are all these notes in p.o.v.s diary now? You might want to clear that up a bit.
Although he is no match for me, he should be able to put up a fight against the non-members on our island. This bodes well for the 2nd stage of the plan.
As for the 2nd stage, preparations are complete and the members are in place. They will be my eyes and ears without realizing it.
As for the 3rd stage of the plan, construction of the facility is not yet complete, but the hiring process is already underway. Once it is constructed, we will no longer be able to come and go as we please. We will need someone on the inside, so I will need to get creative. One of the nameless should do. In fact I already have a target in mind. If I were to arrange for deportation I believe she will become quite receptive to my influence in the new absence of her only support. At that point, all I need do is put her on the same path as I. Once she is initiated, then the real fun will begin.
The 4th stage of the plan will prove most difficult. Timing and availability will be paramount, but if it works, we will have all that we have worked for. With the Third Eye disbanded and the Ghostmasters sealed, the time is ripe!
It is now almost time. I will return the diary to the gentleman and I must soon unload the passengers. I will make sure none of his cards are missing as that would prove to be... counterproductive. I will also be sure to leave the note with him that I was given. I have already read it's contents and it should prove to be a most effective motivator for him.
My immediate task will be to report to the insufferable witch. After that, I will wait and see what happens and will involve myself beyond my predetermined role only if needed until it is time for stage 3 of the plan.
He's bribable... by salted pretzels? Oh dear the big bad of this verse is going to have it stupid easy...
The rabies squad is getting smarter... Hope p.o.v. takes the pretzels and runs. It might be the only way to preserve their sanity...
Glances at duo-turkey chirping in the background... nm... he's doomed. I wager the next bribe is going to be a phone charger... maybe a sandwich...
He took the schmuck bait but I thought there were consequences to fighting unpopular enemies? Well if there are we will see them up front.
So Seth is evil Brock? Noted...
Oh boy, the monotype squad unionized and stole the floor.... poor everyone!... this is either going to devolve into a riot or a vicious multiway hair-pulling event.
Undersiders? There's a title... and the gentleman has become their mascot because he's doing a challenge run... inspiring them to mobilize and see their actions as challenge runs... ohh boy.
Love how the rabid babbler is still blissfully unaware that p.o.v. bailed, did an official challenge, and then came back tail end of his speech later....
Glad to see the Fire Club kid got proper medical attention here...
Hold on a second I wanna see if the site formating scrambled when I made it a quote or if this chunk really is one full paragraph.
Next to take the floor was none other than Kara of the GR fire club! "Everyone thank you for gathering here!" The crowd replied with various phrases of adoration including one that caught my ear: "Such a sweet girl I never hear her push her love of only Fire Energy very far, all she wants is a roughly 70 degree room to duel in!" she continued: "As you all know, its very hot at work every day, but I always try my best! I often asked for lava not to be flowing throughout the room and for the temperature to be 90 instead of 105, but my boss Bernard needs it that hot, so I just try to help! He even lets me attempt to impose my selfish restrictions of only fire energy on others!" at this I heard a murmur nearby: "Poor girl, she doesn't realize that all clubs everywhere allow the members to stipulate whatever duel conditions they want". She continued. "I work hard every day in the hopes that my boss will one day gift me a small fan as I work, but upon our last meeting together, this kind and generous gentleman gave me the greatest gift of all! This special mini-fan that depicts the gentleman's most precious ally and friend, Doduo!" At this I inwardly cringed. This was the fan I picked up on a whim at the bargain bin of of the TCG island fire club! Of course the only one they had left was the Doduo version. I did my best to present a convincing smile as she continued. "I've never been given a gift before unless you count the water energy Jacob gives me from time to time. No, Jacob I do not want to build a deck with only water energy! I've told you this many times!" At this everyone but Jacob had a good chuckle. Jacob on the other hand was turning beat-red. She continued "This man has my respect!" At that she gave a small curtsy as the crowd applauded.
Heidi then took to the floor once again. "It has long since been foretold that a foreigner would arrive to our island from an island withing a 402.5 mile radius of our island, and I don't mean the anyone outsourced from Neo!
That's a very very specific prophecy, with more caveats than a back door contract... that I suspect got tabbed in when the first med person or cleaner or plumber poked in and triggered raptures of card-themed euphoria among the masses.
Ohh and they believe this prophecy that's always ominous. Especially with the shady government that abducts innocent gents and co-operating birds...
Wait he's going against a Lugia...
Reads online info on Lugia cards...
Nice knowing the gent, I'll send flowers to his funeral I guess, especially if it's the water versions that keep popping up on my search engine.
Oh wait he's not going against Lugia... umm that was underwhelming. Why am I not surprised we have a doduo heartless cult forming from the foaming fringe (single) element group... I don't know whether p.o.v. should be proud or worried.
Considering their mascot.. worried might be saner.
Hey, can doduo learn tms? Because if it knows sunny day, and posses, it's like it has its own portable spotlight effect.
Not that I'm suggesting the birdo do so... it's just an option to celebrate its ascension as it were...
It'd go along with p.o.v. being hauled around by the masses.
He only asked for one pretzel, I'm surprised he didn't ask for the whole bag.
Out of curiosity if there is a deck that could murder his layout, and if he encounters it, it can p.o.v. change his cards around... because this one seems to be hurting p.o.v.s tactics hard.
Well p.o.v. is getting quote the crash course as to why he was hand-picked. It's an interesting motive... and lovely tapping on the fourth wall, "whats this internet" indeed... and I take it back... it devolves from tapping to all-out shattering...
When I imagine p.o.v. traveling this keeps popping into my head...
Credit to author Awkward Zombie comics, of course!
So out of curiosity why is scyther so bad? It's been failing from the start or is it a type/nom thing?
... the gentleman's nicer than I am... because my kneejerk is "I'm the genius, he's the nutter one",
And I can see doduo not only singing boss music to set the mood but running around in a circle of pure joy at each garbage card.
No... wait... give p.o.v. the rares... he can sell them, bankroll himself for a few years... or maybe pay off the ivr runners at Bill Tech to not fail so much...
Oh well, opportunities lost I guess.
Out of curiosity how scifi are the card games? Yugioh holograph levels or two guys sitting at a table waving paper about. The narrative seems to hint at it going both ways....
Chapter 3 review,
I get the allure of an embossed letter, but am disappointed they didn't forward a bag of pretzels.
I can imagine doduo hovering over p.o.v.s shoulder nibbling on the edges of the letter if the Gent reads too slow.
So question about that blimp... is it meowth head themed? It'd be hilarious if it was...
Hm so either the mugger mugged a team flare person and decided "I like his clothes" or this is a different mugger with a love of the color red...
How is he going to get redder? Body pain? Hair dye? Glitter?
Mugging Lysander for his get up?
Considering gentleman's experience with food scarcity on this island I would deliberately specify that it's "not that type of chip" exchange...
... so the chips seem to serve as the island base economy and its banker is Tom Nook level rabid... fun. Seriously they all need rabies shots...
Poor p.o.v. haunted by Bill Tech. I'm guessing the King has an evil advisor who pushed to get it installed to start the long process of upsurpment...
Laughs at the slot machines. Yeah, I headcanon that all the slots are secretly being produced by Team Rocket and used as a money front... but Bill's almost unscruppled enough to be just as bad.
Those poor gamblers. Wonder if p.o.v. is going to have some incentive to participate... it got a very hotel California aka "you come, but you can never leave"
... the final route is in the dungeon... and it's not jingling a forest of p.o.v.s red flags... I swear him and that birb are soulmates. speaking of... where is doduo?
He should be raising havoc right now, right? With this many people you'd expect him to encounter another one too...
So many opportunities for avian shenanigans...
Interesting layout and chess set theme.. I imagine it's going to be insanely cutthroat when real money is involved... but until then p.o.v. can meander about pre-fees and get a taste of the game with minimal fiscal risk...
Re:review part 3
Considering the ineptitude and corruptibility of bill industries I wouldn't be surprised if there isnt a tie-in to the infodump plot later. But that's my pet theroy.
Chapter 4 review
Luckily pawn's pretty chill about the art angle. I can imagine a collector like Lawrence dying at the setup... but it honestly seems like a smart was for youngsters to get some art exposure ala a stamp/gaming/ rally around the artwork...
I mean Animal Crossing and that aquarium did it, so why not a fanish version here?
Candidly I'd pay handsomly for a stone/carved mon. Which ones would you go for?
Personally, I'd spring for a Nidoqueen/king pair to pop by my front door... and a smaller wooden Persian w notches to perhaps hold game cartridges (yeah not exactly high brow but i think it'd be a cool way to show off my mon game collection)
Would p.o.v. get a doduo one, to hang his hat/umbrella/coat.at the door.
If he did, would the real doduo occasionally wiggle in front of it to mime being the statue to troll p.o.v.?
So are the human statues the protags/characters of interest from the mon series? I think I'm catching red and ingo... maybe silver...
So about that figure made of light.. how is that shown through the medium of carving? Is it a figure with prism and with a light source running through it to make it look sureal?
Also, is it a human figure, animal, mon?
I'm guessing this art is foreshadowing. Unfortunately as I know nothing I'm just given some pretty pictures to look over... and how is do-turkey not causing obscene amounts of property damage? This seems like a ripe opportunity for him to do so.
And so the battle begins. At least p.o.v. isn't hungry this time...
I'm surprised Pawn did so well... and concerned that p.o.v.s not going to have an easy time of it if the first trainer got so many prizes... though how was he winning? P.o.v.s deck seems like a hard nut to crack so seeing those flaws exploited would be nice.
Knights all "I know I am not a rival but I'm going to channel Gary Oak at his passive-aggressive best... while rocking armor and a sword, because I can..."
And p.o.v. is all "Well there was this pretty pretty art..."
So wait.. knights in stereotypical armor get up, right? If so p.o.v. is going to have Hulk hands to get a firm grip on all that steel. Also, ouch?! Gauntlets hurt, just saying...
Wonder why rook and bishop were so easy versus the first two. I think p.o.v is going to need to update his deck if he's nearly getting whipped on the first dungeon run...
So shadow form is sitting across from Mr. Light, but shadow fellow has a halo?
I broke this text up because you had it laid out as one single paragraph. It should be 3.
The moment I did, Queen suddenly jolted to a stiff almost shocked seating position with eyes wide open. Immediately after, she slumped forward as if unconscious. "Erm, madam if you require medical attention, I would be happy to.."
New action aka last paragraph. Looks like the queen is no longer playing and someone else just swapped the reigns. Considering the art I doubt it is Mr. Light.
Well, it's "Mr. " somebody at least... rolls eyes at gender exploration.
I did some more paragraph breakdowns. It's the same error.
As I'm sure you get the jist I won't keep bringing it up, but it is a reoccurring issue.
Poor gentleman he is so confused at this person's takeover tango. I can imagine him not-so-subtly checking the air vents for additives, or thinking back if the last nip of food or drink tasted... funny
Maim, to mutilate/rip appart
Ma'am old term to say misses,
(Actually it is to indicate a senor female that's married, theres a whole lexicon of meaning between
Miss
Misses
Ma'am
Madam
And all the fun variants but it's a southern US. thing more than anything.
Hm the "intent to duel" makes me think that this... visitor... is temporary and running on a contract of sorts. So long as the gent doesn't need to leave to go to the bathroom they/he's fine to linger. Must be nice after what sounds like an existence of being thrust into card combat and barked at to "play now".
Really it's like Gent never seen a sci fi, horror film, or fantasy film in his life... wonder how Queens doing in there?
The Queen's passanger is going to revamp her deck isnt he/they? That... might be very bad... that much hand rubbing and cackling? P.o.v. is doomed...
Axel... is a lot... and possibly the statue of a kid seen before? Is this a nod to the manga where the cast got petrified and had to be unlocked by Dues ex mechanica? The possibilities. I will say you really need to break down the paragraphs as it's taking multiple reads to sus who is saying what and that's hurting the narrative a lot.
Also, doduos here? Possibly as stupified as gent and the reader but being well behaved for it... But I thought he was in a daycare center? I'll have to reread the edits to see what I missed with Mr. Turkeys location status...
So... Lugia... who doesn't exist beyond being a card.. because this is the mon card verse... has a temple? (Makes confused noises)
Why... what... I'm.. just gunna roll with it but reality has gone so far out to lunch that I'm gunna make it bring me a pizza when it comes back...
And in that case... I'd like a pepperoni, jalapeno stuff crust pizza, a side of marinara sauce, a side of bbq wings, and a salad to go. Thanks.
Back to Mr. Exposition aka Axwl explaining the lay of the land...
It'd be hilarious if the "bad thing" was the card world reverting to the mon world... I'm just saying...
Is this where all the rabies duelists came from? If so does this make the doduo brigade a concentration of big bad cast-offs?
Whoops...
Those "lines" are old cable links... arent they?
Snorts. Axel is pulling a "save guy" card and breaking the simulation isnt he? Poor p.o.v. is going to be forcibly updated to the next-gen and thrown to the metaphorical wolves... houndoom? Arcanine... what gen is this?
Reads Axel's gaming speech. Thinks of the many many mon tournaments and Yugioh tourneys seen... wow doesn't that seem familiar? Is the Uber card named "blue eyes white dragon" by any chance?
... I'm about ready to clonk my head into the screen. I get this info is important but this is way too dense l33t. I'm getting bricked by information that would of been worlds better spread out over several chapters. And I'm having to remind myself to not skim... a lot.
I misread Axel's line as Mr. Hero, having just challenged ran a link between worlds that's unintentionally humorous.
Well it will be interesting seeing how all this lore is incorporated in the story going forward...
Re:review part 4
Alright, you nipped all the clarity concerns I had, so nothing to tackle here...
Re:review part 5
I'll meet you halfway. Try to fix the paragraph on your own and let me know when your done. I'll go over it to see if you made any mistakes, once, and any both of us miss will likely be sussed out during a nip event.
About the Lugia card thing... you could have gentleman scoff at the mention of the temple of Lugia when its mentioned ala " You mean those paper worshiping loonies up north? Madam people of my rearing do not engage the mentally ill, just fund thier rehabilitation"
...
Akright that might be a bit catty for p.o.v. but you get the idea that an author's note might not be the road to go.
As for reformatting the brick of doom...
Here's how I personally avoid data dumping.
You need to think of how people would know this stuff.
There's everyday lore (local legends, landmarks, history), this is stuff that might not be 100% accurate but things any character can ask after or hit a library to pick up.
Specialized lore (only a select number of people are going to know about the ghostmaster, cards talking, ect) a research in the field, or someone special is going to know this and it can be dug up, but with effort that needs to be shown.
Restricted lore (bigbads secret plan, plans of the cultists, state of the alternate universes) the characters need to earn this stuff via plot. Not have it passed out. This is the stuff plot twists are made of and stinger endings.
Skimming over the brick... the historical stuff can be threaded into the previous chapter. The stuff people might know (mysterious evil forces, statues being ex-heroes) can be a local legend that pawn can expound on while p.o.v. is roaming the art areas.
I was wondering how the switchover was going to go. It ending in a misunderstanding fueled slap was not expected. Poor both of them.
Clearly Queen was a boxer on her off time.
The punch-a-hole through reality sounds like a bad anime meme being referenced... regardless this is a great time for p.o.v. not to sound like a lunatic and...
Nm he's being candid. And Queen is... rabid... oh brother I hope he gives his explanation clearly or he's going to get thrashed within an inch of his life...
I'm of mixed feeling about her cap speak, and I guess her temper is supposed to be humor/slapstick but it's not working for me. Granted I'm a dry humor more than anything else sort of guy...
Funny how p.o.v. is like... "name please" and he's been rocking a lack of name for how many pages?
Well as long as Mint and Perseph0ne don't enter the same room it shouldn't end in a blood bath...
Huh so Axel didn't reverse the card update... that's going to go well... though considering she faceplanted into the table and had a fit and was caught by p.o.v. Mint's question seems a bit silly. I'm surprised there weren't cards stuck to her.
Now if Axel had put in a non-basic card in Mint's deck that p.o.v. could point out he'd never use that'd save p.o.v.s butt. He is famous for that after all.
He's falling for this... less than stable... sigh. Figures. She's almost as erratic as doduo so clearly gent has a type...
So do doduo get more masochist during November, a genetic inclination towards Turkey Day?
About Nint's clothes I would go out of my way to have p.o.v. shownthat. Perhaps in the scene where she leaves to change and comes back. It'd get rid of the author's note here at least.
Chapter 7 review
Snorts. So p.o.v. has some game dos he. Showing the pretty (unhinged) gal the sights en route to their quest to save the world...
Just be happy one head isnt chirping "two birds in the tree" and the other warbling "viva la vida loca". Sadly both fit.
Good on Ms. Charbroiled dealing with things smartly.... and yeah, Jacob as leader, I imagine there will be a killing in future challengers buying noise-canceling headphones before going in.
Wonder how the fire challenge was redecorated? Grills and cooking pits as far as the eye can see? Bonfires (a bit risky considering cards)? A new paint job to inspire thoughts of fire and reasonable a.c. output? Guess we will get to see.
I expected doduo to warble a reaction at the chick line. But I guess Brooke can take her life in her hands by getting Mint's attention...
Snickers. Hero? More like misadventures darling. And clearly, doduo feeds off of psychological suffering as well as physical, if mint and p.o.v. work out it'll never have to get into a physical fight again...
Because he's not saying this out loud you can drop the quotation marks.
Laughs. So the king is in another challenge room/castle?
You know I overlooked how many females were in the fire temple... and Mints counting them in her head and developing quite the grudge.
... love how Seth is the supposed big bad.. and considering the big bad's mode of operation is unlimited resource and unlimited power per channeling power creep/seep as a mode of operation...
The more Seth talks the firmer I suspect p.o.v. is wrong and I wonder if that's sinking in. I imagine he might have a better chance if he purged his "relies on chance cards" but that would defang his deck.
I see what you meant about wait and see for the deck update. Looks like that got answered in a hurry.
Everything looks good so minimal comments on my side.
I see by the dates and segmenting this is going to be hyper-structured. That'll be an interesting change of pace from the usual free flow that occurs here.
Huh, so celebrity in this verse can lead to impoverishment when one becomes too well known? I imagine this would be a valid plot point for actual "ace" trainers in canon, except on the plus side you don't have to feed cards, keep them from killing other cards, or take them for walkies. As long as one is frugal, a winning streak should carry...
Keeps reading...
A house and a car? Scrap frugal, our gentleman pov is a class a feather head.
Grooming is a sort of ness. to function in society... ditto for the suit since I imagine battling in one's birthday suit is a nope... Granted if it was a designer, limited edition, custom fitted, and made of repurposed charmeleon leather, I could see it costing a justifiable fortune... but without expanding on what makes that suit awesome it seems a bit silly to add it on the expense list.
but if he sells his base decks he's not going to have the means to keep battling later... thus making his wins a windfall and non-sustainable...
Is it bad that I was plotting a few ways for him to keep his money coming in as he whined about cars?
One quibble plot-wise:
Original text:
I would almost rec nixing this whole section as
1)a gentleman class trainer he's old enough not to be new to the housing market/system.
2) unless where he's from runs differently and you plan on showing it this section a bit excessive and could be condensed to "thank god I paid off my mortgage, now I need steady income to keep on top of my taxes/utilities/and snazzy suits."
In regards to his age. You mentioned he's 26? His word choice seems much older so if you hadn't mentioned it I would of thought he was an older gentleman. If you want to be overt, you could swing a mention of a birthday party. Or even swing that bad life choice car was a birthday gift to celebrate 26 if you want to....
I can see so many problems with his solution but it's his fiscal funeral.
Original text
Putting yourself at serious risk of losing definitely seems unfeasible, I'd almost suggest cutting this line because of that.
He started with an advanced deck previously?
So some thoughts on your breaking down the decks. Due to the pic limits, I'd suggest just leaving links to the cards. Or maybe a designated thread to show off the decks for the plot? Will you be flipping coins and notating the results against preplanned decks to add randomness to the play or letting the plot decide? While your detailing avoids the Yugioh problem of the pov pulling his shiny bazooka card put of his... you know... it does avoid the blue eyes white dragon at every port scenario... it's adding a lot of wordage that could be cut.
Also, it'd seem wiser to show the rules rather than dump them in chunks.
Perhaps have Gent do a few charity events to advertise his new leaf basic run where he walks kids through those rules as a lesson?
Anyway just throwing ideas at the wall.
Speaking of ideas, what this guy's name? Also, what does he look like?
Having your pov talk about how visiting went, showing the reader a club and him getting his hands wet with his new mode of operation would be funner than getting spoil tag hidden data dropped.
Also is Ink' the worst duelest ever with his own soundtrack, like Major B from the cube's stadium knock off? Why not have a scene where Gent is sweeping the grass club... and music draws closer... and closer... and he starts to recognize it and groans as In' plops across him, phone blaring his theme, armed with the trading card verse of six Magikarp and confident hes going to take names and win?
His relationship with the doduo makes me think of those old Liberty with Enu commercials.
You could easily drop the following authors note about wild mon as you just used your pov character to basically say the same thing.
Snorts and it only takes a loss at the hands of this mysterious Johnathan to have our pov miss his rares.
Again with the duel booster notes. You could show him taking and then selling a booster deck post-game without having to explain how it works since you just showed it.
You mention the players he takes on in each club, instead of talking type weakness as an author's note you could show by describing a few moves/plays how he navigates the card game type chart if you really wanted to show the gba game vs the gba card game one trick could be to stomp a novice who needed the altered type explanation, or just have p.o.v. milk it for a breezy win...
All these data drops on the mechanics could easily be threaded into narrative as I mentioned before. So I'll stop bringing that up.
So questi9n. I get mon are rare and very limited, but are their pokecenters here, or does our p.o.v. have to scrape his pet/sidekick off the sidewalk when he loses?
Because from what I remember doduo are big enough to carry a person...so that's a lot of scrapping.
An "interview" huh? I suspect our gentleman is going to get mugged...
Wait a king, and a mask, this feel pasio adjacent? I think we are going to see some action soon...
I'm sorry he agreed to what? Ohhh boy, I have so many snarky feels right now, and I am going to sit on them. Grudgingly.
And so the plot kicks in and... seriously it's pokemon card verse meets Don't Starve? Oh dear... wait, where's Turkey the sadomasochist feather dust- doduo. Did he get left at p.o.vs home? If so our protag is going to come home to a landslide of feathers.
Serves the featherhead right.
Review reaction Chapter 1
Will they accept ious? I really doubt it and it's such a golden boy rich thing to say...I know he's going the "playing humble to get money" road... but his reliance on bribes is a broad hint as to how flat that resolve is...
So Turkey did tag along, nice.
So he's treating the fortresses like clubs. Alright then. Granted he's got a fair justification for not going from place to place to level before backtracking to tackle the bigger fish... granted if there's too big a level difference between the lower tiers and upper he might not make it past Fortress One...
Though he could, in theory, ride his doduo from fort one to two ect.
Barks a tired laugh. Wow, he reeks of confidence,t reating his diary like his personal obituary. And he cements his status as a class a featherhead for it. Love how his priority is, editing out entries that make him look bad
(Nevermind confessing to do so, mid entry, looks really bad) resolving to write classy entries, then we are off to get nom nom.
Via winning.
Which is a huge assumption. If the closest fortress is geared to wreck flashfire he's in so much trouble.
Is a sane reaction to any and all i.v.r.s, not just the dodgy bill transporter network.
Whats do-turkey been doing all this time? Pecking at the sand, sunbathing, or headbutting the ground to get his pain funsies.
Or is that Headbutting? Does pet doduo have canon moves?
Candidly the popular/unpopular opponent is kinda confusing me... i mean if she doesn't drop money, then I can see why not, but still...
What is it with plant people/gardeners being one hop and skip away from going all big bad? Breath of the Wilds crazy gardener and this gal could compare notes...
Park-er? Who runs grass castle mc flamable land? Yeah gotta say the poor man never stood a chance.
Out of curiosity I get that p.o.v.s got a meal ticket hanging over his head and all that, but what do those running the fortress' lose when they... well lose?
What's the enemy trainer's stakes beside them living on g.rockets land and playing roadblock while the newest dropped-off interloper wins and powers up?
No no-one will ever solve the mystery of the horrors of transporter i.v.r. chicken. Is p.o.v.s phone going to run out of charge at some point? Because it would be darkly hilarious if he gets to the right department only for his device to get to 0%.
So, question. As Nintendo usually either goes all out as hardcore as it can with each system's soundcard... or doesn't... (gb titles were usually hit and miss....) what do you think that p.o.v. ls wandering around, perpetually hounded by hold, isnt registering to the island inhabitants as his personal (or the games) ost traveling theme/battle theme, depending on where he is at (and what depo is holding his phone hostage).
Because he's so worried about food /starving I keep imagining p.o.v. offing a mon in the card game and some stage right aide shuffling forward with some finger food and passing it his way. A sushi roll. A half a sandwich. Maybe a handful of fries.
It's the big bad/fortress person's dinner, just to add insult onto injury. And its been cut into sixths and passed out for each person to get a sixth with each mon they off. Longer battles get desert btoke down and doled out. Really brutal neck-and-neck battles are interspaced with nom breaks as both sides cut off to eat the portions they earned, digest, and then pick up the battle after a placid span.
Additives like coffee with sugar and cream require and extra battle just because...
Greet to offer salutations
Great to indicate grandour
Of course, rabid plant girl and Pikachu nerd are bffs. I wonder if they'll become a sort of evil joke squad that has to be taken down later, or an elite four sort of thing... and now we have a lightning specialist chip in the crew...
And Jacob... I suppose playing their game by their rukes could net a ton of energy cards of that type if you were lacking/needing but I think Rocket Isle just needs to update its rabies shots and be done with it.
Out of curiosity what happens if you take on the rabid ones in canon?
Was it all Magikarp-themed? Karp hats, fishy coasters, sea-scented car vents, if it was a Karp phone charger.... where would the phone plug in... worse where would the electricity port plug in?
I've lived that... granted it was religious enthusiasts who tailed me a whole city block but still... nothing but utmost sympathy for p.o.v. at this point....
Oh god p.o.v.s reaction reminded me of something... one moment...
You think this card duelist is nuts may I point out every one trainer gen 1 and up as well as every yu'gu'oh card pull ever?
So Brook the charbroiled might have been funnier if she was a fire-type user, just saying...
Considering how they're holding food over your head for wins i suspect NEVER mentioning bribery would be a sane and safe route...
This poor p.o.v. he's never been to Hoenn has he.... he probably should never ever visit. So, question... wheres do-turkey-duo? Because if he doesn't spontaneously break out into molt from the temo change.. I will be saddly disappointed.
Also, how are all these duelists/fortress staff persons reacting to a giant two-headed bird pantomiming attacks/getting attacked, and clicking on his tip talons down the halls and asles?
Will some angry waitstaff be waiting to pounce p.o.v. when his pet turkey wracks up some damage?
Mr. Bribery meet Ms. emotional manipulation... amusing even p.o.v. has some standards.
He whines about 110.. poor thing... definitely not fire-type master material.
Love how he's starting to give the rabid citizens the excuse of heat stroke... and it likely holds true...
So how was there more lava? We got gushing fountains from wall pipes, right? So is the duel center on an island over a lava pool ala Mario stage convention. One extra pipe w magma? How is it different besides hotter? Lo e how the leader gas a.c. clothing.
How is p.o.v. getting from place to place. Walking, doduo riding, steeling a scooter on the ground? Is he ever going to eat first...
Also, how is he sure that Bill's transporter woes aren't a cleverly played ploy to garner p.o.v.s sympathy and defang his ire with a well-concocted lie?
Though now his personal theme music (aka the hold music) has stopped, how will he set the tune to his trampling his enemies and taking their money?
Also, is someone going to feed and water the gent soon he must be dying at this point.
... so the phone finally ran out of charge
... I guess turk-duo could fill the musical void by singing... a duet...
P.o.v. is going to have monotype trauma at this point. There's going to be a monotype challenger for him when he gets home and he's going to curl up un a ball and break out in sobs...
if you think doduos smugness as being top dog against a fighting gym is bad imagine one of these critters in a stereotypical bug-type gym...
Cue smug preening plus an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I was going to say I expect the leader got his head stuck in a paper bag and that's what took so long.... and really that's not too far off tbh.
Wait... his name is Brutis... funny that considering its ides of March and everything...
And turkey-duo proves to be as unsettling as ever with his fixations... fun times. And it's rubbing off on p.o.v.... I almost want to advise p.o.v. to run, but the bird is likely faster.
P.o.v. "I wonder what colorless is like"
My kneejerk reaction: well an eye bereft of common color sensors makes everything goes greyscale. Which is ironically a color.... or if all light sensors are 100% offline... well there's no sight.
I suppose they could go all out, grey-themed everything, from uniform to body paint, to architecture... or they could have a little path leading to where you need to go and then pop a bag over your head right before you see your goal, and leave it on... since total darkness equals colorless.
Technically.
On a more somber note, I suspect p.o.v. is going to be meeting his mugger/abductor right now. I'm sure doduo's looking forward to another round of being trussed about and tied up... the lunatic.
Doduo gives off mad nifty vibes from Hazbin, just saying...
As for showing it... perhaps during the first duel where doduo takes a hit detail that its feathers get ruffled. And when it's called to attack it bounces around pantomiming pecking at something? And no one reacts, since it's an everyday thing... except p.o.v. who is like "feathers getting everywhere".
Perhaps during the "garbage run" heavy game the bird gets.progressively filthier? With a pause give it a bath?
I do enjjoy the duels. But I'm rather detail-centric so take that enjoyment with a grain of salt.
Mission report breakdown...
Kh nerd I am I'm imagining this in an ansem report situation...
Wonder what sources ominous McEvil is tapping. I still expect Bill but again that's my pet fan theory. Snorts, I love how everyone is freaking out over his basic clause. I wonder how a monotype might be received? (Besides from adoration for the proper energy team)
I wonder why evil!p.o.v. is so insistent that everything hinges on p.o.v.
This also establishes molep.o.v. as a second in command.. nuce.. adds to the ominousness..
"King. " should be capitalized as it is a proper title.
If he's talking about Mint.. I don't disagree all that much. So molep.o.v. is the abductor (who is confirmed later to be Seth). I imagine they needed so much rope for that doduo...
Alright, so this level of wordiness (points to quote above) feels "gentleman's voice". As p.o.v. rambles quite a bit I suggest slicing down where you can. This way molep.o.v. doesn't sound like gentp.o.v. this will avoid tonal confusion.
Here is my suggested rewrite
Going forward I struck through all extra words to help make a different tone without changing your text too much. Try it out loud and if you like it keep it. Otherwise no worries.
So wait... did molep.o.v. write in the diary? Because I thought the ransom "play or starve" was written on his deck? Are all these notes in p.o.v.s diary now? You might want to clear that up a bit.
Beyond those touch-ups it looks good. It preps the reader to anticipate a bigger plot and makes molep.o.v. comes across as intimidating... nice work.
For the benefit of anyone curious in the audience pertaining to the reviews by K_S, it was in PM and later uploaded here. Since they were in PMs though some of these replies will be out of order chronologically compared to reviews by those other than K_S. For my replies, I'll post them as replies to him. I've also tried to edit my replies a little to feel more natural as if we had originally done it here in the fic.
Reply to Prologue Review
So far you have already brought to my attention something that I need to add early on in the story! In a previous draft, I had mentioned the protagonist was 28 in the intro early in the story instead which I now see that I forgot to do. On a subsequent draft, I added the part about the house so it could be understood that he needs to duel for money. The problem is that a gentleman trainer from the mainline games looks like they are maybe 65 years old which is NOT what I am trying to do! So I can already tell that I need him to mention his age very early on to prevent the exact misunderstanding it created for you. I wanted to point this out now because that comment from you was a huge help here even though it was only a part of your review.
Well, the hyper structure is only for the prologue to make it feel more like reading a diary. I dropped using dates like that starting in Chapter 1.
Regarding money, I wanted to come up with some incentive for him to need to duel.
With the house, I wanted to show that he was able to thrive financially. The way he acts, he needed to be at least a little wealthy I figured.
Agreed adding the suit was silly compared to the house, but I wanted to highlight that he greatly prefers to dress well at all times.
Regarding selling his cards, I needed some way to get him to commit to using all common cards since that's the major twist on the story compared to what I imagine a typical story for this universe would be. Also all commons was what got me writing the let's play, so yeah, I needed a way to make it make sense narratively and that was the best I could come up with so far.
Regarding his age, yes he is 28. As for why he acts like that, I added a reason in chapter 1, but that was after we started the review process. The reason is that he was raised by his late grandfather who stressed the importance of kindness, manners, dressing well, and speaking well. I figured that would help it make much more sense narratively. He is also meant to be well educated, and I think I will include a bit about his education being from some prestigious university or something. Originally I had no solid concept of his age, but later in the story something big happens that made me realize it would be very weird to have him very old, so my new head cannon at that point was that he was in his late 20s. I then went back later when reworking the early parts of the story to set his age to prevent confusion but I forgot to put the part in the prologue about his age after having removed it from the introduction. His personality was originally just meant to be a stereotypical old gentleman with a monocle and cane but now my head cannon is that he does not use a monocle or cane.
Regarding the line you almost want to cut. You know what? Your right. Deleting it changes nothing substantial. It was more meant to reflect my own thoughts early on as I was playing though the game with his common deck but without the context of my perspective, it doesn't really do much for the plot and it's not particularly interesting to a reader. I'll go ahead and cut it. Thanks for pointing it out.
Regarding his previous advanced deck before he sold the cards for it, perhaps I should add something to the prologue to make it more clear that he is starting this adventure as an experienced duelist. Thanks for the perspective.
Regarding the way I listed decks, yes I was annoyed at the picture limit but I figured some was better than none. I didn't think it justified creating a new thread just for the additional pictures. Regarding links, I could do that, but I don't want them breaking later. If sound tracks break, I'm ok with that because it's not required to enjoy the story, but pictures are needed if I don't want the reader having to go outside the fic for information which is something I have strived to avoid to prevent it from being too annoying for readers to bother with. That's also why I have placed various authors notes around. If a reader wants more info, they can open it up and read. If not, they can simply skip it.
As for coinflips and randomness, all duels uses the actual results from me playing the game until it got way later in the story for reasons I mention at that point. Due to that, I don't want to rework the duels if I can help it in order to preserve the authenticity, but maybe my opinion on that will change with time.
Showing the rules through charity event(s) seems like a good idea if I am trying to weave the rules into the narrative but I'm not sure if I want to put it in the narrative in that way. My reasoning is that some readers might not care about the rules. Having them as authors notes allows them to skip them or easily refer to them later. I'll keep that in mind though. If I weave them in later, I could see myself using your suggestion for it. Some of your other suggestions looked decent too. I might be able to weave it in with some effort in a way that can hopefully keep a readers attention.
Funny you should mention asking about the guys name. There is an entire chapter dedicated to that later titled "Name", in fact. That's all I will be saying on that subject for now though...
As for his looks, he wears a fancy red suit and has both a mustache and beard that he keeps trimmed along with his hair. He is 28 years old. Beyond that, I had planned on using art to show what he looks like. I suppose I could also add that he definitely has light skin, brown hair and brown eyes. I'll get that worked into the prologue. Good call on that.
I suppose some additional description for the earliest duels could be helpful. I could even go back in the game and have some more duels to fill in some blanks for what decks they were using.
I prefer to leave the authors notes about wild Pokemon since its a nifty tidbit of game lore and explains what would otherwise seem as a weird thing to do narratively.
Of course the main character would get annoyed at losing. Granted, its a card game so even the best decks can lose if they get very unlucky but the first loss he had there with the deck was probably the worst loss he had in ages.
Your probably right that weaving in the thing about booster packs into the narrative would be better. I think I'll use that one. Thanks.
So the Doduo doesn't need a Poke center and picks itself up even if the main character is walking away. I should put a funny scene in for that now that you mention it. Thanks!
Funny you should say mugged. In the original version I did have him robbed a gunpoint for his money. I later revised it to take the scene out though as the existence of guns and the willingness to use them kind of tramples on the idea of dueling makes things happen which is what works best for the story. I left the scene ominous though for reasons before the end of the chapter.
Although I do mention early on in Chapter 2 that Doduo is still there, I think I missed an opportunity to show Doduo getting kidnapped too and its reaction to said kidnapping. I'll need to add that in for sure. Thanks!
As for the bribes, you will soon see more of the subplot that pertains to it.
So yeah, I think now I can leave you to react to my reaction here. By the way, I loved the various things you brought up and it was great to see some of your reactions to things too. Pure gold!
Edit: Ok revisions to the Prologue are now complete. Its already looking a bit better. Duels are mostly still the same. I might try to update them later but right now my focus is on improving other aspects of the story since the duels would require a large time investment if I were to add in-duel dialogue or to provide more details to them.
You know, I haven't thought about this yet, but I don't think the Doduo that inhabit the islands in the story have the ability to evolve. There are no Dodrio walking about! I didn't realize until you asked me. As for what a sequel would be called, I have no idea but if the name involves any Pokemon, it would definitely be Doduo again. :) Reply to Chapter 1 Review
As for the bribery, he considers needing a coinflip for his cards to work as unfair so he figures if he has to spend some money to make some money.. so be it. Besides, the people he duels presumably have no clue about his bribery, so it doesn't affect how humble he might appear.
Yes, "Turkey" did tag along. Maybe I ought to have its nickname Turkey lol...
Ok so, I do think you have a point about him trying to ride Doduo so you know what? I'm going to have him try to do that. Here's what I have in mind: He will try to ride Doduo but have no idea how to control it. Doduo won't care where he wants to go and instead will go frolicking in the fields or something. Then he will have to get off of Doduo and Doduo will follow him again. He can then made a snide comment about the bird being useless. I love it!
Fair point that if he runs into problems early on that he must assume that he runs the risk of starving.
Good point that I should add some in about what Doduo is doing while he is on the phone. Will definintely add!
The reason he doesn't have to duel those that have deck restrictions is that it would be too annoying for me to play through for the lets-play aspect of it. Its also honestly pretty annoying for anyone who plays post game content because you can't toggle on/off their restrictions. Because of that, I had to come up with a narrative reason that they don't matter. So, my answer is that their restrictions make them social outcasts on the island.
I mean, in the game, Liz actually is tending to flowers in the corner so I was just working with what the game gave me. I don't think her personality is quite like that in the game though. For that I took some.. creative liberties!
As for what opponents lose for losing in the game itself, usually a booster pack or two. I re-wrote a bit of Chapter 1 to have them give the gentleman booster pack IOUs instead. Otherwise he could theoretically just open them and start using rares to cheat the system and that would be lame for the lets-play aspect of it.
In the game itself the enemy duelists don't really have any reprocussions for losing. Due to that, I didn't even consider the possibility of club/fotress members/leaders having any real reprocussions for losing. For the world of the fic, generally, the Pokemon Trading Card Game is tied to their way of life and economy. Its also their primary(only?) source of entertainment. If you go to the fortress to play some Pokemon and its a place meant to entertain, you don't expect the members or leader to get fired for losing games if people are having fun. Obviously this kind of situation for our gentleman is not exactly what one would think of as fun though, but that's due to the odd circumstances rather than the world itself.
Funny you should mention the phone charge... :)
Regarding the hold music, you have a fair point that there is no interaction with the other duelists regarding it. I think I'll rewrite it to have him have a headphone in one ear so he can monitor it easier. When he answers it, I'll just have him use speaker phone so that Doduo can dance to the music. It will be less funny than Doduo enjoying it playing the entire time, but its way easier than trying to add the music as a reaction in the encounter for every single duelist. I don't need a running joke in the fic to be THAT prominent if it isn't even Doduo, so I think that's what I'll do there. Glad you mentioned it!
Regarding the sound from Nintendo, hopefully you are trying out the music tracks as you read. I would like to get feedback on that too, but its ok if you don't. By the way, for tracks later on in the fic, I don't mind a larger variety of sources, so I'm pretty open to recommendation if it sounds like it fits a scene very well or something. I just try not to switch the tracks too often (though I'm pretty sure I fail at that sometimes)
As for plant girl and Pikachu nerd, funny you should mention a squad.... :)
So in the main game you can (and are required to) duel the duelists with deck restrictions as part of how you progress for the main story. I added an Author's Note in the Prologue towards the end to mention that. (It was after you had reviewed it already though, so I don't think you would have seen it yet)
Regarding the Magikarp guy... wow you are totally right there! The free merch absolutely needs to be 100% all Magikarp themed! Yeah thats definitely going in. Good call!
So, no the gentleman has never been to Hoenn or any of the regions in the mainline Pokemon games. You might be correct that TCG Island is supposed to be somewhere in the cannon Pokemon mainline world, but this fic assumes the card game is its own separate world. The Protagonist has no Hoenn to visit. If I should make this clear in the fic somewhere though, I certainly could, but I'm betting it won't come up enough to warrant it.
Funny you should mention Doduo and the temperature in the fire fortress... :)
As for how other duelists are reacting to Doduo its as it was written in the Prologue:
"From what I know of Doduo, they are the only Pokemon to inhabit our world. If you have a Doduo as a pet or companion and are using one in your deck, the real-life counterpart Doduo will be effected by opponents Pokemon card attacks! It is unclear why this happens but is aknown and common occurrence. If a Doduo Pokemon card gets knocked out in the game, the real-life counterpart Doduo will only briefly lose consciousness."
So, since its something they have likely seen before, I saw no need for them all to react to Doduo. I did notice how I was doing that without meaning to though. At one point I thought about making Doduo just a figment of the protagonists imagination, but its funnier if its real.
Also, since Doduos are common, my head-cannon is that all the buildings have Doduo resistant flooring. I guess I could probably add that in the Prologue when the gentleman is talking about what he knows about Doduo. Seems easy enough. Ok I'll do it!
lol at your reaction to Jess with the face mask using emotional manipulation and the protagonists reaction to it.
As for 110.. our dude is in a formal suit. That is HOT. In fact, I rewrote a section of it to explain how he was able to get a shower and dry-cleaning for his suit to avoid the sweat that drenched it by the time he was done there.
Good point on the lava. In writing the lets play, I assumed the readers would be playing the game and following along, but as a fic, it can definitely benefit from some description here. I'll se what I can do on that.
As for how the protagonist is getting around, I assumed walking, but I don't think I ever explicitly mentioned it either. I probably should though. Good call.
As for eating, I think I probably should have him describe his hunger at various stages to show he hasn't had food. I think I'll also show where he has had water since the note left by Clair only mentioned starving and not dehydration.
Regarding the story of the teleporter, sure its a reasonable guess that it could be a lie to get people to shut up and take it. I guess you will have to find out later as more is revealed... :)
Regarding monotype trauma, the clubs on TCG Island were the same. Plenty of monotype users there. Now if you are talking about duelists with deck restrictions, that could be another matter potentially, but so far he hasn't dueled any of them so...
Regarding turkey-duo and fixations and rubbing off on the protagonist... LOL I think that's been the funniest bit I've read so far from your reviews! Maybe I'll even turn it into some internal dialogue or something lol
Interesting that you should mention the protagonists abductor. I will say that he does indeed encounter him again in the story after the initial kidnapping. If you have theories as to who it is, feel free to offer them.
I'm very much enjoying your reviews so far. They are both entertaining and useful.
He's bribable... by salted pretzels? Oh dear the big bad of this verse is going to have it stupid easy...
The rabies squad is getting smarter... Hope p.o.v. takes the pretzels and runs. It might be the only way to preserve their sanity...
Glances at duo-turkey chirping in the background... nm... he's doomed. I wager the next bribe is going to be a phone charger... maybe a sandwich...
He took the schmuck bait but I thought there were consequences to fighting unpopular enemies? Well if there are we will see them up front.
So Seth is evil Brock? Noted...
Oh boy, the monotype squad unionized and stole the floor.... poor everyone!... this is either going to devolve into a riot or a vicious multiway hair-pulling event.
Undersiders? There's a title... and the gentleman has become their mascot because he's doing a challenge run... inspiring them to mobilize and see their actions as challenge runs... ohh boy.
Love how the rabid babbler is still blissfully unaware that p.o.v. bailed, did an official challenge, and then came back tail end of his speech later....
Glad to see the Fire Club kid got proper medical attention here...
Hold on a second I wanna see if the site formating scrambled when I made it a quote or if this chunk really is one full paragraph.
Yep it didn't....
I'll go into this much later but it's going to be a big explanation... apologies but now isn't the time for it.
That's a very very specific prophecy, with more caveats than a back door contract... that I suspect got tabbed in when the first med person or cleaner or plumber poked in and triggered raptures of card-themed euphoria among the masses.
Ohh and they believe this prophecy that's always ominous. Especially with the shady government that abducts innocent gents and co-operating birds...
Wait he's going against a Lugia...
Reads online info on Lugia cards...
Nice knowing the gent, I'll send flowers to his funeral I guess, especially if it's the water versions that keep popping up on my search engine.
Oh wait he's not going against Lugia... umm that was underwhelming. Why am I not surprised we have a doduo heartless cult forming from the foaming fringe (single) element group... I don't know whether p.o.v. should be proud or worried.
Considering their mascot.. worried might be saner.
Hey, can doduo learn tms? Because if it knows sunny day, and posses, it's like it has its own portable spotlight effect.
Not that I'm suggesting the birdo do so... it's just an option to celebrate its ascension as it were...
It'd go along with p.o.v. being hauled around by the masses.
He only asked for one pretzel, I'm surprised he didn't ask for the whole bag.
Out of curiosity if there is a deck that could murder his layout, and if he encounters it, it can p.o.v. change his cards around... because this one seems to be hurting p.o.v.s tactics hard.
Well p.o.v. is getting quote the crash course as to why he was hand-picked. It's an interesting motive... and lovely tapping on the fourth wall, "whats this internet" indeed... and I take it back... it devolves from tapping to all-out shattering...
When I imagine p.o.v. traveling this keeps popping into my head...
Credit to author Awkward Zombie comics, of course!
So out of curiosity why is scyther so bad? It's been failing from the start or is it a type/nom thing?
... the gentleman's nicer than I am... because my kneejerk is "I'm the genius, he's the nutter one",
And I can see doduo not only singing boss music to set the mood but running around in a circle of pure joy at each garbage card.
No... wait... give p.o.v. the rares... he can sell them, bankroll himself for a few years... or maybe pay off the ivr runners at Bill Tech to not fail so much...
Oh well, opportunities lost I guess.
Out of curiosity how scifi are the card games? Yugioh holograph levels or two guys sitting at a table waving paper about. The narrative seems to hint at it going both ways....
Chapter 3 review,
I get the allure of an embossed letter, but am disappointed they didn't forward a bag of pretzels.
I can imagine doduo hovering over p.o.v.s shoulder nibbling on the edges of the letter if the Gent reads too slow.
So question about that blimp... is it meowth head themed? It'd be hilarious if it was...
Hm so either the mugger mugged a team flare person and decided "I like his clothes" or this is a different mugger with a love of the color red...
How is he going to get redder? Body pain? Hair dye? Glitter?
Mugging Lysander for his get up?
Considering gentleman's experience with food scarcity on this island I would deliberately specify that it's "not that type of chip" exchange...
... so the chips seem to serve as the island base economy and its banker is Tom Nook level rabid... fun. Seriously they all need rabies shots...
Poor p.o.v. haunted by Bill Tech. I'm guessing the King has an evil advisor who pushed to get it installed to start the long process of upsurpment...
Laughs at the slot machines. Yeah, I headcanon that all the slots are secretly being produced by Team Rocket and used as a money front... but Bill's almost unscruppled enough to be just as bad.
Those poor gamblers. Wonder if p.o.v. is going to have some incentive to participate... it got a very hotel California aka "you come, but you can never leave"
... the final route is in the dungeon... and it's not jingling a forest of p.o.v.s red flags... I swear him and that birb are soulmates. speaking of... where is doduo?
He should be raising havoc right now, right? With this many people you'd expect him to encounter another one too...
So many opportunities for avian shenanigans...
Interesting layout and chess set theme.. I imagine it's going to be insanely cutthroat when real money is involved... but until then p.o.v. can meander about pre-fees and get a taste of the game with minimal fiscal risk...
Re:review part 3
Considering the ineptitude and corruptibility of bill industries I wouldn't be surprised if there isnt a tie-in to the infodump plot later. But that's my pet theroy.
Food is a big motivator for someone who is hungry!
So funny how you come up with arbitrary names for things. Rabies squad lol
Funny you should mention food being the next bribe... :)
Evil Brock. If he isn't evil, he sure acts like it!
Yes Undersiders being THE title of the chapter in case that wasn't what you were referring to. Yep, what has our gentleman gotten himself into?
Yes, Jacob -the rabid babbler- must never learn the truth lol
Actually, Kara was the one with the fan rather than the one who almost had heat stroke.
Yeah Seth does not use Lugia (regardless of if he actually has Lugia or not) nor does he use his normal deck because he has to use the horrible deck the rabies psychics created instead for this event.
As for TMs, they don't exist in this world. No one in the world even knows what a TM is. There is a reason for that too, but its a reason you would have to piece together after learning way more of the plot way later in the story.
No comment regarding the protagonist creating a new deck.
Scyther is so bad only because the AI in game fails to use it to attack. So instead it's just used to tank. It is capable of attacking with it, but it's very rare to actually see it do so for some reason.
Good point regarding the rares, I should probably add a reaction from the protagonist for it.
So regarding the cards: for Doduo, it's like they are real in terms of giving or receiving attacks, but for everyone else they are just cards. Not sure how I would go about explaining that in the narrative though...it also seems odd to try to put an authors notes in for it too.
Interesting thing about coin flips and the fact that it's a let's play (which I played without cheats)means that the protagonist never actually improves his odds by bribery. It's the same 50% chance of success every flip. He at least thinks he is though and attributes his success to the bribery and attributes his failures to not paying enough money.
Regarding music, I don't know if you have a way to do it or if you did it already, but if you haven't listened to the soundtrack while reading it, you are missing out on part of the experience. It is just music, no hidden messages or anything, but I think it goes well with the various scenes. The music also gets more sophisticated in later chapters.
I'm kind of curious regarding the duels. Are you finding them more enjoyable when there is more detail provided, or does it make little difference?
Reply To Chapter 3 Review
Adding a bag of pretzels with the letter is a perfect idea! I went back and added a whole box of them in fact!
So the blimp is a dark colored blimp I think it had GR on the side in red but I might be misremembering. Its the one from the game which is not a Meowth blimp. I could technically make it one, but it would be a bit too random for the story I think.
So Imakuni was based on a person who dressed up in Japan and was there to get kids excited about Pokemon. I'm not sure if it was only pertaining to the card game (probably was) I looked it up on Wiki at one point out of curiosity. As for the dialogue of Red Imakuni, i took it almost verbatim from the game after I won the duel with him. I have no idea how he would get redder. I don't think its supposed to make sense.
Agreed that the game chips could use a little more clarification. I'm not trying to convey they are snack chips to eat. I added a little bit to the king's description of them.
Yeah the gambling is definitely a problem. This won't be the last time you will see the idea of gambling come up in the story either.
Good point about Doduo. I don't have it do anything for this next bit of the story so I went back and added a Doduo daycare center for the protagonist to drop his Doduo off at for a while.
Chapter 4 review
Luckily pawn's pretty chill about the art angle. I can imagine a collector like Lawrence dying at the setup... but it honestly seems like a smart was for youngsters to get some art exposure ala a stamp/gaming/ rally around the artwork...
I mean Animal Crossing and that aquarium did it, so why not a fanish version here?
Candidly I'd pay handsomly for a stone/carved mon. Which ones would you go for?
Personally, I'd spring for a Nidoqueen/king pair to pop by my front door... and a smaller wooden Persian w notches to perhaps hold game cartridges (yeah not exactly high brow but i think it'd be a cool way to show off my mon game collection)
Would p.o.v. get a doduo one, to hang his hat/umbrella/coat.at the door.
If he did, would the real doduo occasionally wiggle in front of it to mime being the statue to troll p.o.v.?
So are the human statues the protags/characters of interest from the mon series? I think I'm catching red and ingo... maybe silver...
So about that figure made of light.. how is that shown through the medium of carving? Is it a figure with prism and with a light source running through it to make it look sureal?
Also, is it a human figure, animal, mon?
I'm guessing this art is foreshadowing. Unfortunately as I know nothing I'm just given some pretty pictures to look over... and how is do-turkey not causing obscene amounts of property damage? This seems like a ripe opportunity for him to do so.
And so the battle begins. At least p.o.v. isn't hungry this time...
I'm surprised Pawn did so well... and concerned that p.o.v.s not going to have an easy time of it if the first trainer got so many prizes... though how was he winning? P.o.v.s deck seems like a hard nut to crack so seeing those flaws exploited would be nice.
Knights all "I know I am not a rival but I'm going to channel Gary Oak at his passive-aggressive best... while rocking armor and a sword, because I can..."
And p.o.v. is all "Well there was this pretty pretty art..."
So wait.. knights in stereotypical armor get up, right? If so p.o.v. is going to have Hulk hands to get a firm grip on all that steel. Also, ouch?! Gauntlets hurt, just saying...
Wonder why rook and bishop were so easy versus the first two. I think p.o.v is going to need to update his deck if he's nearly getting whipped on the first dungeon run...
Chapter 5 review
So shadow form is sitting across from Mr. Light, but shadow fellow has a halo?
I broke this text up because you had it laid out as one single paragraph. It should be 3.
End of dialogue.
New dialogue ergo new paragraph.
New action aka last paragraph. Looks like the queen is no longer playing and someone else just swapped the reigns. Considering the art I doubt it is Mr. Light.
Well, it's "Mr. " somebody at least... rolls eyes at gender exploration.
I did some more paragraph breakdowns. It's the same error.
As I'm sure you get the jist I won't keep bringing it up, but it is a reoccurring issue.
Poor gentleman he is so confused at this person's takeover tango. I can imagine him not-so-subtly checking the air vents for additives, or thinking back if the last nip of food or drink tasted... funny
Maim, to mutilate/rip appart
Ma'am old term to say misses,
(Actually it is to indicate a senor female that's married, theres a whole lexicon of meaning between
Miss
Misses
Ma'am
Madam
And all the fun variants but it's a southern US. thing more than anything.
Hm the "intent to duel" makes me think that this... visitor... is temporary and running on a contract of sorts. So long as the gent doesn't need to leave to go to the bathroom they/he's fine to linger. Must be nice after what sounds like an existence of being thrust into card combat and barked at to "play now".
Really it's like Gent never seen a sci fi, horror film, or fantasy film in his life... wonder how Queens doing in there?
The Queen's passanger is going to revamp her deck isnt he/they? That... might be very bad... that much hand rubbing and cackling? P.o.v. is doomed...
Axel... is a lot... and possibly the statue of a kid seen before? Is this a nod to the manga where the cast got petrified and had to be unlocked by Dues ex mechanica? The possibilities. I will say you really need to break down the paragraphs as it's taking multiple reads to sus who is saying what and that's hurting the narrative a lot.
Also, doduos here? Possibly as stupified as gent and the reader but being well behaved for it... But I thought he was in a daycare center? I'll have to reread the edits to see what I missed with Mr. Turkeys location status...
So... Lugia... who doesn't exist beyond being a card.. because this is the mon card verse... has a temple? (Makes confused noises)
Why... what... I'm.. just gunna roll with it but reality has gone so far out to lunch that I'm gunna make it bring me a pizza when it comes back...
And in that case... I'd like a pepperoni, jalapeno stuff crust pizza, a side of marinara sauce, a side of bbq wings, and a salad to go. Thanks.
Back to Mr. Exposition aka Axwl explaining the lay of the land...
It'd be hilarious if the "bad thing" was the card world reverting to the mon world... I'm just saying...
Is this where all the rabies duelists came from? If so does this make the doduo brigade a concentration of big bad cast-offs?
Whoops...
Those "lines" are old cable links... arent they?
Snorts. Axel is pulling a "save guy" card and breaking the simulation isnt he? Poor p.o.v. is going to be forcibly updated to the next-gen and thrown to the metaphorical wolves... houndoom? Arcanine... what gen is this?
Reads Axel's gaming speech. Thinks of the many many mon tournaments and Yugioh tourneys seen... wow doesn't that seem familiar? Is the Uber card named "blue eyes white dragon" by any chance?
... I'm about ready to clonk my head into the screen. I get this info is important but this is way too dense l33t. I'm getting bricked by information that would of been worlds better spread out over several chapters. And I'm having to remind myself to not skim... a lot.
I misread Axel's line as Mr. Hero, having just challenged ran a link between worlds that's unintentionally humorous.
Well it will be interesting seeing how all this lore is incorporated in the story going forward...
Re:review part 4
Alright, you nipped all the clarity concerns I had, so nothing to tackle here...
Re:review part 5
I'll meet you halfway. Try to fix the paragraph on your own and let me know when your done. I'll go over it to see if you made any mistakes, once, and any both of us miss will likely be sussed out during a nip event.
About the Lugia card thing... you could have gentleman scoff at the mention of the temple of Lugia when its mentioned ala " You mean those paper worshiping loonies up north? Madam people of my rearing do not engage the mentally ill, just fund thier rehabilitation"
...
Akright that might be a bit catty for p.o.v. but you get the idea that an author's note might not be the road to go.
As for reformatting the brick of doom...
Here's how I personally avoid data dumping.
You need to think of how people would know this stuff.
There's everyday lore (local legends, landmarks, history), this is stuff that might not be 100% accurate but things any character can ask after or hit a library to pick up.
Specialized lore (only a select number of people are going to know about the ghostmaster, cards talking, ect) a research in the field, or someone special is going to know this and it can be dug up, but with effort that needs to be shown.
Restricted lore (bigbads secret plan, plans of the cultists, state of the alternate universes) the characters need to earn this stuff via plot. Not have it passed out. This is the stuff plot twists are made of and stinger endings.
Skimming over the brick... the historical stuff can be threaded into the previous chapter. The stuff people might know (mysterious evil forces, statues being ex-heroes) can be a local legend that pawn can expound on while p.o.v. is roaming the art areas.
Do you really have to ask what stone carving of a Pokemon I would go for at this point? :) There are many cool Pokemon that would make for good statues though.
As for who the "human statues" aka painted carvings depict, I don't mind pointing out that your question shall be answered in the next chapter but since it would be obvious to players of the game, I'll go ahead and mention that those are the ghostmasters that reside in the sealed fort. They are post game duelists you can play against with the strongest decks the AI opponents have in the game.
They are painted carvings but now I'm wondering if I didn't make that obvious... Ok I added that it was painted to prevent confusion. Thanks.
Figure is meant to be human so I added that. Thanks.
As for the art, it is not present in the game. At this juncture your guess is as good as anyone's who has played and completed the game. Feel free to theorize.
As for the protagonist and the possibility of a deck update... no comment.
Reply To Chapter 5 Review
Ok so it seems like I don't format paragraphs properly in terms of dialogue. I'm assuming with you calling it out that it is a well known thing and its just something I didn't know having not written a story like this before, so I appreciate you pointing it out. I'll see if I can fix all of those paragraph formatting issues, but feel free to point more out if you see I missed any if you re-read any of it later. Thanks for providing examples of what to do with it!
Regarding the gentleman's confusion though, yeah I think just about anyone would be.
Ah oops! thanks for catching the word error with Maim i just went and switched it to "My lady" since I decided I don't really like Ma'am for it after all.
Correct, this visitor is running on borrowed time as they will soon disclose and it is kind of like a contract.
Good point, I think if I were in the gentleman's shoes I might have a better idea of what was going on or at least catch onto it quicker.
As for how Queen is doing, you will just have to continue reading to find out.
In terms of the protagonists chance to win, yes the "passenger" revamping the deck is going to make things tricky.
Regarding who Axel is, yes, he is the painted stone carving of the youngest kid among that group. I can say that here because anyone who played the games would be able to know, so its not really meant to be a spoiler at this point for the readers.
As for Doduo, at this point he is supposed to be in the daycare. If I missed a section where Doduo has a reaction, it no longer is supposed to be there. If so, please let me know if you happen to see it.
Ok so as for Lugia having a temple, its not very different than the concept in the original TCG1 game where the legendary Pokemon cards are able to speak to the protagonist who inherits them after defeating the grand masters and rival. The legendary cards are the closest thing the game has to dieties in my opinion and they kind of act like dieties too. Lugia for the purposes of this story is the same general concept. WIthout having that context though, I can understand why it would be confusing. Perhaps I should add a note pertaining to it. Also, the worshipers of Lugia are a cult so it doesn't really need to make total sense to begin with and they don't represent the entire islands faith. That said though, you have had tons of great ideas for improvement so far and if you think it will help, let me know and I'll put a note in about this.
Regarding the "bad thing" reverting to the mon world would certainly be a massive upheaval. It would destroy their way of life and the way of the cards would likely be abandoned in favor of actual Pokemon. To the Ghostmasters, an event like that would be total defeat.
So regarding the rabies duelests, they were implemented in the 2nd game. The first game had no deck restrictions for any opponents. So yes, that is where they came from.
For Axel's description, the lines are only used for the purposes of explaining and understanding, but you could think of them in a more literal sense too I suppose without it really affecting anything.
As for the amount of information... its alot. I get it. I don't think I quite understood the density of information as I wrote it for how readers would take it. The information is essential for the rest of the story, but you're giving me honest, well intentioned reactions to things and if you as an author yourself are telling me its way too dense, its for the best I start by acknowledging it. For what it's worth, I think I fixed the paragraph formatting errors at least so far.
My current ideas for fix the information overload:
Implementing a series of flashbacks at various intervals in other chapters or perhaps in between them as additional chapters. I could start each with the results of the duel that the previous part builds up to and I could space them out in between the other chapters.
Taking as much as I reasonably can out of the chapter and adding it in 1 later chapter where it would potentially make sense to have it narritively.
Maybe I could also try splitting it up into 4 smaller back-to-back chapters.
What do you think might work best here? I'm honestly interested in your thoughts.
As for the way the lore is implemented in the remainder of the story, I think I did a good job with it, but I'm not above looking for ways to fix flaws or trying to improve upon it. I have had very little in the way of feedback, so everything you mention is highly appreciated.
Reply to Re-Review of Chapter 5
So, I've already done what I could with the paragraphs so if you want to go over it again, its already ready. If I misunderstood your advice, it might all be done wrong, but I think I got it...
Regarding the Lugia card, I think you have a good point there. Adding in a reaction from the Protagonist would be appropriate here. Ok I've added a little more dialogue between the protagonist and Axel (heaven help me chapter got slightly longer... at least its only a tiny bit though) The new dialogue is after Axel explains how the fort was sealed. It discusses the concept of the cult and where Axel thinks the Doduo's in the world originated from. Originally, I was going to explore that towards the end of the fic, but since the reaction the Protagonist gave had him mention Doduo, Axel was of course going to reply regarding it, so a tidbit here makes sense.
Regarding the lore, I think trying to offload the bits that I can on Pawn is a great idea. I'll be working on that and let you know when its done.
Alright I have finished my rework of the meeting with Pawn.... It added lore in the form of general backstories for the Ghostmasters. I don't think I was able to divert any lore from Ghost of the Past to it.
I'm currently going through the other chapters now to fix the paragraph formatting errors as there are a butt load of them.
I was wondering how the switchover was going to go. It ending in a misunderstanding fueled slap was not expected. Poor both of them.
Clearly Queen was a boxer on her off time.
The punch-a-hole through reality sounds like a bad anime meme being referenced... regardless this is a great time for p.o.v. not to sound like a lunatic and...
Nm he's being candid. And Queen is... rabid... oh brother I hope he gives his explanation clearly or he's going to get thrashed within an inch of his life...
I'm of mixed feeling about her cap speak, and I guess her temper is supposed to be humor/slapstick but it's not working for me. Granted I'm a dry humor more than anything else sort of guy...
Funny how p.o.v. is like... "name please" and he's been rocking a lack of name for how many pages?
Well as long as Mint and Perseph0ne don't enter the same room it shouldn't end in a blood bath...
Huh so Axel didn't reverse the card update... that's going to go well... though considering she faceplanted into the table and had a fit and was caught by p.o.v. Mint's question seems a bit silly. I'm surprised there weren't cards stuck to her.
Now if Axel had put in a non-basic card in Mint's deck that p.o.v. could point out he'd never use that'd save p.o.v.s butt. He is famous for that after all.
He's falling for this... less than stable... sigh. Figures. She's almost as erratic as doduo so clearly gent has a type...
So do doduo get more masochist during November, a genetic inclination towards Turkey Day?
About Nint's clothes I would go out of my way to have p.o.v. shownthat. Perhaps in the scene where she leaves to change and comes back. It'd get rid of the author's note here at least.
Chapter 7 review
Snorts. So p.o.v. has some game dos he. Showing the pretty (unhinged) gal the sights en route to their quest to save the world...
Just be happy one head isnt chirping "two birds in the tree" and the other warbling "viva la vida loca". Sadly both fit.
Good on Ms. Charbroiled dealing with things smartly.... and yeah, Jacob as leader, I imagine there will be a killing in future challengers buying noise-canceling headphones before going in.
Wonder how the fire challenge was redecorated? Grills and cooking pits as far as the eye can see? Bonfires (a bit risky considering cards)? A new paint job to inspire thoughts of fire and reasonable a.c. output? Guess we will get to see.
I expected doduo to warble a reaction at the chick line. But I guess Brooke can take her life in her hands by getting Mint's attention...
Snickers. Hero? More like misadventures darling. And clearly, doduo feeds off of psychological suffering as well as physical, if mint and p.o.v. work out it'll never have to get into a physical fight again...
Because he's not saying this out loud you can drop the quotation marks.
Laughs. So the king is in another challenge room/castle?
You know I overlooked how many females were in the fire temple... and Mints counting them in her head and developing quite the grudge.
... love how Seth is the supposed big bad.. and considering the big bad's mode of operation is unlimited resource and unlimited power per channeling power creep/seep as a mode of operation...
The more Seth talks the firmer I suspect p.o.v. is wrong and I wonder if that's sinking in. I imagine he might have a better chance if he purged his "relies on chance cards" but that would defang his deck.
I see what you meant about wait and see for the deck update. Looks like that got answered in a hurry.
Everything looks good so minimal comments on my side.
Reply to Chapter 6 Review
The misunderstanding from this is pure plot fuel. I was laughing when I figured out how to set it up.
Queen is pretty athletic as the story will indicate at least a little and she was highly motivated in the moment lol...
Yeah, the gentleman ought to be careful here as he already knows what its like to be hit by her.
The fact that the protagonist still isn't named plays into "Chapter 9: Name" That's all I'll say about it for now though.
Well Mint has been trying to improve at the game as part of her job. Her deck suddenly getting an upgrade was a good thing for her.
No comment regarding Gent's type.
As for the authors note, I'll just take the lazy way out and graft it to the bottom of the chapter instead. I don't like describing clothing that I should be able to describe with a picture.
Reply to Chapter 7 Review
Hey, not as many issues to point out is fine with me, that just means the story is storying!
This chapter I wanted to use to wrap up some character arcs for some of the side characters. It also made for a great excuse to have him spend time with and interacting with Mint. Getting the new deck was also big.
I enjoyed reading through your reactions as always. I'll have to get the quote error out of there too.
Reply to Prologue Re-Review
Activity on the island especially from a high profile card champion like the Gentleman is kind of news worthy, so I was thinking the reader wouldn't expect the sources to be too involved or ominous here. Maybe I should just switch sources to "recent reports". In fact, I went ahead and did it.
Good, im glad your asking about why evil pov believes things hinge on pov. This will of course become clear at some point farther in the story than you are currently at, but I wanted the readers to ask this question to keep them guessing.
Also, yes, at your point in the story, the reader is supposed to realize the abductor was Seth.
So, I thought about the circumstances that lead to the late parts of the story and for it to be something that makes sense, I think its better if I have prophesy guiding how a certain chapter plays out. As such, I added a part about that to the mission report. I think that should help guarantee no one makes a good argument for it not making sense. Its kind of specific what needs to happen in order to make the thing near the end happen, so I think that's probably the best way to handle it. The thing near the end absolutely needs to happen as its one of the best parts I think. Granted this is vauge because I don't want to spoil things and I love hearing your reactions and theories as you go.
Speaking of theories, you aren't the only one who suspected Bill of being involved in things more sinister, but you will have to wait and see for now.
Good point regarding the GR blimp line. I thought about wording it a little different than you suggested, but decided I liked it, so I plugged it right in!
The mission report is its own separate document. I went ahead and added a line to make it clear. The fact that they are separate could be interpreted as either the audience having access to see both or that both the diary and the mission report are being read by someone. The most natural conclusion for reading these would be the abductor who at the point you are at in the story, the Gentleman firmly believes to be Seth. As for if Seth is the foe of the Ghostmasters though, I think these diaries show that the abductor is at least heeding instructions from someone he wants to follow to the letter. That should suggest that he is not the one in charge ergo, the reader should be suspicious that Seth is not the ultimate foe of the Ghostmasters.
I'm going to leave "of the plan" in. I don't want that part to be confusing for the readers. As for the rest of the recommendations, I took some out, left some in, and changed some around. I think it works better now than it did. Thanks!
Hey, 133TFR33k! Sorry for the delay in this review. I'm looking at the first three chapters here; I know you're interested in feedback on the later chapters especially, so I'll be back to check those out later. My impression is that the story diverges farther from your gameplay as things go along--I'm thinking it'd have to, since it feels like we've already seen most of the content TCG 2 would have to offer, but if so, I'm curious to see where things ultimately go!
I've played the first TCG game, myself, but never the second; didn't realize a translation patch had been released. I might have to check that out, since I did enjoy the first game. You set up a fun challenge for yourself here, what with only using common cards, and I think the combination of that restriction and the various deckbuilding requirements imposed by some of the later challenges in the game make this an interesting playthrough to read about from a gameplay perspective. I also really enjoy the various ways you've tried to make the game mechanics and weird twists of the TCG story coherent in terms of the narrative you're writing--things like the Bill's Teleporter card only working half the time because of customer support issues, for example. These are some of the highlights for me when reading any story based on gameplay, and you lean into them a great deal throughout these early chapters.
Probably the most enjoyable aspect of this fic for me is the character you've given the narrator; their obliviously petty, arrogant personality comes through strongly in the narration, and it gives the story a lot of personality and life. It works well with the comical tone you've established, and makes for an amusing dynamic with the doduo. Who of course is the other star of the show. Its antics add some fun color to the story around the different battles, and I look forward to seeing whether the narrator eventually begins to admit some fondness for the bird... or whether their semi-antagonistic relationship will continue throughout. Doduo in general is such a fun, overlooked pokémon. In the context of this story it reminds me of a bin chicken, something people usually get more performatively cranky about than actually mad about.
With any story that's to some extent a let's play recounting an actual video game experience, there's a tension between giving an accurate account of what happened in the game and telling a story that's satisfying in a typical narrative fashion. A game like the Pokémon TCG (or the mainline Pokémon games, for that matter) tends to be very repetitive, since it's presenting the player with a series of challenges intended to let them build up their skills gradually over time. And, notably, the Pokémon TCG story is fairly thin, more an excuse for the player to face new and different challenges than anything else.
You've pretty much replaced the game storyline with your own, which I think is a good move, but I don't know if the extent to which you've retained the "skirmish" aspect of the game is doing the story any favors. There are a LOT of characters thrown at the reader in each chapter, the majority of which appear only once and then never again, and who at best have one personality trait (and/or deck trait) that distinguishes them from everybody else. The plot is loosely sketched in around the narrator going around and winning card games against these characters. These sorts of scenes are not very interesting to me, and they make up the majority of these opening chapters. They also mean that when a character does reappear I probably don't remember who they are, since they were adrift in the middle of a bunch of one-offs I promptly forgot about, which means that as the plot began to emerge proper in Chapter 2 I had a bit of trouble following it.
There's no one way to fix this, and neither does it necessarily need to be fixed: if your goal is to document your gameplay as it happened and as completely as possible, then it's not like you can just skip a bunch of these fights and call it good. Making them individually more engaging is just going to require spending more time to develop each battle, which would turn this fic massive. But I think if you wanted to keep the story at a reasonable length and up the interest in the early chapters, you would need to remove or gloss over (as in, like, devote a couple sentences to) the majority of these card battles, and then focus on developing the remainder a little further, to bring some more interest to the characters being played against and the game itself, the challenge being put before the narrator. An alternative would be to do that, but retain information about the various individual battles under spoilers or as endnotes rather than including them in the main text of the chapter. Again, though, it's really a matter of what your intent is for the story; if you want to keep it as more of a game log, that's an entirely valid decision. For me, right now, the early chapters fell too far on the side of "faithfully recounting the gameplay experience" to hold my interest at times.
However, as I mentioned earlier, the plot ramps up a bit in the second chapter, and it looks as though you're trending away from in-game events, too. I'm curious whether you're ultimately going to leave the framework of the video game plot behind or whether there's a lot more TCG 2 to come, heh. I'll be back for more chapters later! In the meantime, congratulations again for getting this whole fic written up and posted.
When I awoke I found myself on an unfamiliar island with a note attached to my deck of cards laying nearby:
"If you wish to return to your island, you must seek the king of this land and earn his favor! To do so, you must defeat all willing opponents using nothing but common cards. Unwilling opponents are those that require you to change the cards in your deck. If they do this, they are unpopular social outcasts whom no one likes but merely tolerates. Their favor is meaningless. Oh and don't count on any booster packs to help you either. Instead we will be giving out IOU's for you to claim if you can defeat the king. If you do not seek the favor of the popular folk of this island, you shall simply starve as the inhabitants of the island (both popular and unpopular) find amusement in your suffering. -GR Psychic Leader Clair"
Attached to the note was a brochure map of GR Island detailing numbered locations and various duelists, kind of like what one might pick up at an amusement park. It even had an x drawn on it with a note “You are here”!
Doduo of course was nearby.
I thought to myself "I'm sure my assailant could have sold it, but the way it spreads its feathers about likely made it more trouble than it was worth. Apparently the bird finds the prospect of starving amusing"
Doduo rolled around in the grass littering its feathers about. But feathers, however irritating they may be, were the least of my concern in such a situation...
I checked my pockets but confirmed I was now missing my wallet, so I knew I would be unable to continue my bribery of the gambling establishment. “Perhaps they will accept IOU's?” I thought to myself amusingly. Hopefully my time on this island would be shorter than the amount of time I had set up to gain from my prior bribery. I did still have my other common cards with me, but I had already created the strongest all-common deck I could think of. The only one that seemed elated by this over-all situation is that bumbling bird. Of course it should love this. To get out of this mess, I knew I would have to do exactly what the note said and win duels against the duelists of GR island. Checking the map, I saw that the first location was the GR fortress of grass. As I am not keen on starving, I reasoned the best way to proceed would be to play all worthy opponents in each fortress culminating in winning a duel against the leader. There would simply be no time to travel about dueling only basic members of a fortress and then traveling around all over again just to challenge the leaders.
I was glad I had a hearty victory meal prior to my kidnapping. "At least the note said nothing about dehydration, so I can presumably have water at least." I thought to myself.
Before I began I travels, I reasoned that I might need the teleporter to be operating at peak efficiency as I have never been to this island before and have no idea how strong the opponents here could be! I pulled out my phone and dialed the number for Bill’s company.
As I painstakingly navigated through a tangled web of phone prompts Doduo decided to frolick in a nearby field spreading its feathers about. I suppose an experience of being stranded with the threat of starvation like this is exactly what that bird dreams of...
After selecting a total of no less than 46 phone prompts the line finally went to a queue to be answered! An automated voice said “Please hold while we work to connect you. Your estimated wait time exceeds what we have been programmed to say. We value your time and thank you for your patience.”
I thought to myself “What kind of purgatory is this? If this is what happens when they value my time, I don’t think I would EVER want to find out what the opposite looks like!”
Then it came spouting forth. Oh it sounded pleasant enough at the time, but little did I know just how long this hold time music would be playing… refusing to have my phone blare what would soon become my least favorite string of notes and sounds, I decided to use my headphones instead - just one though! To use two, I would have to be quite mad indeed...or a Doduo I suppose.
I then found myself thinking "Speaking of Doduo.. its rotund body looked like it could make a reasonable mount and its legs are surprisingly sturdy and limber.... But those feathers... if I should try to ride it, those feathers would infest every inch of my suit pants! Dare I befoulf my precious attire with a plague of its detestible feathers? If I ride it though I can conserve energy and reach destinations at least as fast as I would on foot..."
It wasn't long until I found myself attempting to ride the dumb bird. I confirmed it could support my weight rather easily, much to its disatisfaction. It clearly wanted to be crushed, but at 170 pounds and at a height of 5"11, I simply just didn't have what it took to measure up to that dumb birds aspirations. Since I had come this far, it was time to start moving. Right now. In that direction. Over there. Yes.... The bird simply stood there. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to get it to move when it finally started to go! In the wrong direction!
I exclaimed "No! Not that way! Turn over here! This way! Please?"
At that Doduo stopped, tilted one of its heads, and then started pecking the ground quickly forming a hole and then plunged one of its heads in scooping up some worms to eat. Mortified, I watched it feast on something so unpalatible that I would rather starve than have to eat. As it ate, the faces it made suggested it was objectively disgusting and yet it couldn't seem to get enough of them. Having seen enough, I dismounted covered in its fowl feathers.
"Well, at least my appetite won't be bothering me for a while!" I thought to myself.
I then had one more idea: grabbing a long nearby stick, I grabbed a worm, impaled it on the end of the stick, and remounted the fat bird. I then held the stick out ahead just out of reach of its long necks. Doduo looked at me. It then looked at the stick. It then made an expression of... amusement mixed with...smugness!? It then used one head to grab the stick from me and the other to eat the worm!
"Why?" I found myself asking.
So apparently it has some modicum of intelligence, yet it uses it only for the purposes of driving one mad! Clearly, relying on that bird for travel was far out of the question! I then began my trek on foot to the GR Grass Fortress while meticulously plucking feathers out of my suit the majority of the journey as I wondered to myself just how that bird can seemingly be molting at all times everywhere it goes... The bird of course made sure to follow often running ahead only to circle back as if to tell me just how ineffective my poor excuses of legs were to its own...
After finally arriving at the GR Grass Fortress. First, i paid a visit to the lobby and of course it had a restroom and one of the best inventions of mankind! A water fountain! Ah, to be able to drink as much fresh water as one desires free of charge was a dream come true on an island bent on my starvation! After I drank my fill, I made it a point to stop at the water fountain at every future fortress I travel to. Feeling refreshed I then made my way inside the fortress.
My first two opponents were Mellisa and James. Both of them fell easily to my Dark Rapidash.
I then encountered Liz who was watering flowers...alone... in a corner. The moment she caught sight of me, she started spouting some such nonsense as that she would be unwilling to duel me unless I change my deck to suite her fancy! Clearly she was one of those unpopular folk of the island. She then started her drivel of how no one ever wants to play with her and how she just wished everyone would use no energy in their decks except grass energy! Unswayed by her pleas, I declined to debase my deck in such a fashion purely for her entertainment. She then muttered something about how the masses of the downtrodden shall overthrow the yolk of the popular as she resumed watering her flowers with the intense look of one who had been denied for the very last time... Not wanting to linger there any longer, I absconded away as quickly as my legs could carry me farther in to the fortress.
My next foe was the leader of the fortress: Parker! Parker's polite smile quickly became one of the utmost worry as he identified the types of my deck as both Fire and Lightning, both of which perfectly counter his deck! Needless to say, he did not last long.
Shortly after the duel, I finally heard a voice from the headphone! After held in a form of torturous stasis for what felt like an unimaginable vast eternity to reach the Bill's Incorporated company, a clearly outsourced representative with a thick Neo Island accent asked for my name! I quickly dropped everything I was doing, switched to speakerphone and announced my identity and scope of my inquiry to discover why Bill's teleporter so often finds itself unplugged despite my prepaid services! I awaited the next words with baited breath but the representative disclosed to my abject horror that I had reached the incorrect department for my inquiry despite the fact that I had already been transferred twice! Quickly i attempted to explain the situation thus far, but as I laid out my case the representative spoke with greater haste than I and announced I would again be moved from the present connection to yet another! As the abominable music from my phone resumed its tortuous melody, I felt my heart sink in despair.
“Will no one solve this mystery?!” I silently screamed in my mind.
Just when I imagined it could get no worse, my fat lazy bird of a Doduo began to dance to the tune of my misery as it littered the floor with more of its precarious plumage!
“Of course that bird would prefer this ghastly torturous track!” I thought to myself bitterly.
Had I the free use of my communication device, I might even find a way to escape this island, but the prospect of a disconnection of the current call after my incalculable suffering at the hands of phone prompts, absurdly long hold times, transfers, and monotonous low quality sound attempting to pass itself off as music proved to be an even greater penalty than death by starvation, so I elected to remain in the current state of things...With a heavy heart and the constant noise of what shouldbe a useful device, I embarked on my next quest to the GR club of lightning...
When I finally found myself fixed inside the fortress of lightning, I feared my feet may give in to fatigue so I flopped to the lobby for a chair to rest my legs when I discovered the only open seat was at a duel table! The man, Peter, informed me that in order to sit, I must be willing to duel him. I could understand that as it was a duel table after all. What kind of monster would just sit down at one taking up space like that when there are always so many people looking to have a duel? No. Such manners would be far beneath my upbringing. My late grandfather who raised me as his own always stressed that one should be kind, polite, well spoken, and well dressed! Good advice for anyone I should think! I of course agreed to the duel as my primary mission required me to anyway. My Voltorb made quick work of him and for the spoils I was able to enjoy the seat a while longer. Once I was refreshed, I made my way to the water fountain, drank my fill, and then made my way to the interior of the seemingly experimental facility of lightning.
The first would-be opponent went by the moniker of Cassie. Before I could even begin to great her, she waylaid my ears with praise and adoration for Pikachu cards and of her firm believe that all duelists everywhere should have decks that contain 4 of them. I wished to pass by, but of course the button for the door was located directly behind her. All attempts to pass by met with and equal and opposite reaction as she continued her declaration of all things Pikachu. I was suddenly starting to sympathize with the staple status citizens as she droned on and on for what must have been 30 minutes! Finally she asked me if I would duel her with her conditions.
I replied back the moment the last single syllable of her silly sentence was complete: "No thank you."
At this she wailed the wail of a thousand tortured souls. As she was distracted by her own distress, I dodged to her side and found my hand upon the button of my salvation! With the door now open, I quickly retreated to the next room. On my way out I heard the onset of a call to an apparent acquaintance of hers: Liz of the GR Grass club. Wanting to be about my way, I tarried not a moment longer.
In the very next room, I found an elderly chap named Chip. It turns out he was completely obsessed with lightning energy. I attempted to explain to him that with the addition of another energy type to a deck, it is more adaptable and less prone to weakness, but he adamantly and stubbornly refused to listen stating that with enough will power the power of lightning can overcome all odds. I resonated somewhat with this as Voltorb does indeed seem to make a case for such things, but never in isolation. The efforts of its allies are what allow it to triumph! I offered to demonstrate the deck I displayed, but he would have none of it and demanded I debase my deck to that of only lightning. When I refused, he became obstinate and ornery indicating that any who had not attained an age such as his was of lessor intelligence and was unable to understand the insignificance of all other energy types when compared to that of lightning. I left the man of questionable sanity to his ramblings as he hobbled away to the prior room in a hurry calling out to Cassie.
I found myself quite shocked that there were no popular duelists to stand between myself and the GR leader of lightning, Catherine!
Amusingly, Catherine's specialty was to induce absurd amounts of power into lightning Pokemon and increasing their damage by 10. To her abject horror, this worked very much against her as my own electric attacks ripped through all of her defenses with incredible ease! With another leader down, I deigned to declare my next destination as the fortress of water!
Upon entering I visited the lobby for my routine water. Apparently the water from this fountain directly connects to an enriched aquifer deep below the ground. This water was simply the very model of refinement!
I then made my way into the main area of the fortress where I was met with yet another fanatic by the name of Jacob. The moment he began speaking, it became evident to me that his tedious tirade of how water energy is the best energy type would not be ending any time soon! Thankfully his eyes remained shut as he confidently droned on. In fact he was so distracted by his own speech that I was able to simply walk right past him into the next room! Thankful that I need not endure his inane ramblings, I made my way to the next chamber.
The next chamber housed a glorious and impressive waterfall of epic proportions! I would have loved to linger in this place but I noticed the all-too-excited gaze of another would-be duelist by the name of Cody. The vice imposed upon this fellow was such that he should glorify all things Magikarp. He insisted that a fabulous treasure lay beyond the bridge and cave behind the waterfall, but only those with 4 Magikarp in their decks may lay eyes upon it. I glanced the other direction and noticed a sign that read "this way to the leader's chamber" I gave one look to the hopeful Magikarp fanatic and one look to the room's exit and quickly stepped away as he desperately spoke as fast as he can trying to sway my opinion on Magikarp. He then quickly began offering me many different things to stay and duel him, but the more desperate he became, the more suspicious I became. He then started to try to give me pencils, hats, drink coasters and small car chargers - all of them Magikarp themed - but I knew the game; accept anything and it becomes a form of psychological entrapment meant to lure you in to listen to their supposedly short speech that would no doubt last hours! Once that happens its only a matter of time before they try reeling you in to purchase a questionable time share and running your credit without asking! Oh I’m sure his gift card for listening to his sales pitch would be real but to a far greater extent would be my regret of the time wasted! Fully expecting this used-car-salesman of a duelist to follow me throughout the entire rest of the fortress, I indicated to him that I might duel him on my way out if he waits patiently. Thank the stars it seemed to have worked! I quickly made my way deeper into the fortress.
The next room initially appeared to be unoccupied but suddenly with a dramatic flip from the depths of the water and one of the most absurd poses I have ever seen, my foe declared himself as Alex.
Alex declared "I heard how you use your bench to power up your Voltorb but I bet you can't beat me if you have 2 less bench slots!"
I inquired as to how much he would be willing to bet. He then pulled out his wallet and revealed his funds. Realizing that the amount of money needed to maintain my bribery of the gambling company was ever mounting, I wagered his funds would prove useful and thus our duel commenced!
How one such as he became someone who is popular here I will never know. His cringe-inducing actions ceased the moment my victory was claimed. It baffles the mind that he actually reasoned such a restriction would inhibit my ability to secure dominance in our duel. He laid his funds down and with overly dramatic posturing sunk himself back down into the depths.
I then proceeded into the central chamber where Brooke the leader of the water club greeted me. Rather than discussion of the duel we would proceed to, she was preoccupied with how one ought to not use tanning beds to frequently and how it will make you look darker than you realize. Indeed from the tone of her skin I could see she was certainly speaking from experience! She explained she was always kept indoors and unable to bath in the warm rays of the sun, so she thought she could make up for it in the tanning bed, but the tanning bed was on too high of a setting. Her motions were stiff and calculated as she winced from the severe sunburn. She then commented that Bills inventions are not all they are cracked up to be, especially Bill's Ultra Sun Tan Super Deluxe Bed! I instantly empathized with her as we began our cordial and respectable duel.
Our duel swiftly concluded. Water was no match for my Voltorb no matter who wielded it. She did notice how my Bills Teleporter only seemed to function half of the time though and expressed her sympathies. After the duel, we compared our general grievances regarding Bill and that the marketing of his products far exceeds their benefits. She was impressed by my ability to draw 8 cards with Gambler though and concluded it must be fated that the win became mine. I allowed her to draw her own conclusions on the matter rather than attempt to explain the benefits of bribery as I made a graceful exit.
As I made my way towards the outside I passed Cody who looked at me expectantly while approaching. I quickly explained there was an emergency and that I would be unable to duel after all and quickly left. Having a real emergency of kidnap and potential starvation was feeling pretty amazing right now all things considered!
Back into the initial room, it seemed Jacob was now concluding his thesis on all things water. As he opened his eyes, I paused for a moment.
He then exclaimed "I can't believe it! You're the first person to ever listen to me all the way through! I was going to duel, but just being listened to is more than I could ever ask for! Mark my words, friend, when the resistance rises, we shall set you aside and our wrath will spare you!"
I simply nodded and performed a slight bow as I exited and returned to the lobby for more of that exquisite water!
I then visited the counter with my newfound funds and gazed at the assortment of snacks they had for sale. I attempted to purchase one but the employee manning the lobby store refused to take them out for me to purchase stating that by order of Clair on behalf of the King, no one was to sell or provide food to me. "Well, it was worth a shot" I thought to myself. I then made my way out of the fortress.
The next destination would be the GR of Fire Fortress!
As I entered the fire fortress, I was taken aback at how they have literal lava flows inside the building! The only thing that struck me more than the unbearable heat was the absurd amount of money it must take to maintain such a spectacle! Making my way inside, lava lined most of the walls in the first room and my first opponent: Jess was waiting. Notable was the mask upon Jess's face. When I inquired as to why, Jess simply replied ominously that one should never seek plastic facial surgery from Bills discount doctor services. Not wanting to keep the matter focused on such a horrid topic I quickly pulled my deck out for our assumed duel. I fought fire with fire as my Dark Rapidash clashed with Jess's Dark Rapidash. My Pokemon proved to be the greater of the two however! Upon the conclusion of our contest, Jess pulled up the mask to cover the eyes in shame as I noticed the face appeared perfectly presentable. When I inquired upon this, Jess pulled the mask off and looked down to the left while admitting it was just a stunt meant to garner sympathy in the hopes of it affecting the duel. Having no clue how one should respond to such a revelation, I simply shook my head as I departed for the next room.
The next enclosure offered the same extreme in temperature. A raised platform of rock connected by a stone bridge on either side with a pool of lava surrounding the platform on all sides though the bridges were far enough above the lava for it to be safe to cross. How anyone could stand about all day in such places though was utterly beyond me. It had to be near 110 degrees here! My poor suit will no doubt be unfit to keep wearing once I am done here! As I tread into the tumultuous temperature torture, I noticed Doduo happily rolling along the floor to put out the literal fire in its feathers. Well, at least we will not need to tidy the place of feathers for a change!
I then noticed who appeared to be perhaps a little girl. She then approached me and introduced herself as Kara and that she has been taught to duel anyone who desires, but only if they empty their entire deck of all energy except fire. What is with this island that it has so many odd and varied fanatics?! The common-folk of TCG Island never took to tedium such as this! I braced my ears for what I assumed would be yet another hail of pointless monologue about how fire by itself was superior to all other energy types, but to my great surprise, she simply asked if I would be willing to duel under the conditions. When I inevitably declined, she simply curled up on the floor to nap speaking of how its too hot to duel anyway. It was at this point I realized that I still had that tiny Doduo fan that one typically acquires at theme parks! Reasoning that she will likely need it far more than myself, I presented it to her as a charitable contribution. At this her face lightened mentioning she had never received a gift before and would always cherish it. She then activated the device and lay about content as I went about my way.
"I'll make sure to tell them you are good. Thank you so much Mr!" she called out as I made my way through the door.
The next room was smaller but only a comparatively thin winding walkway separated the lava. My next would-be opponent was on the far end of the room and donned the name of Ellen. I noticed how she might be close to suffering initial stages of heat stroke as she attempted to explain why every deck should contain 4 Eevee. I explained that she may need medical attention and should visit the lobby of the club where it is hopefully of more tolerable temperature. Clearly she wanted to speak further of Eevee but her weariness of the heat won out as she sauntered towards the exit muttering something about the regulatory body of the island needing to impose better workplace accommodations. I decided to accompany her to the lobby for if she were to have a medical emergency, that would surely outrank some petty starvation of mine. I offered my arm to her which she accepted as I escorted her to the lobby. Thankfully the lobby was a much more hospitable temperature. I then purchased a water bottle and brought it to her. She thanked me and mentioned I should come back and see her once my business here was concluded. She explained that they have a shower here and a fast dry cleaning service usually reserved for employees but that she would let me use them. What good luck! Here I was worried that a foul stench would linger upon me for the entirety of the remainder of my journey here! I thanked her and once I was satisfied she would be ok, I departed and made my way to the furthest depths of the Fire Fortress.
In the final chamber, I noted there was even more lava than the other rooms! Lava below the bridge that connected to the central location. Lava above on a platform above spilling out onto the main platform before flowing further to meet the lava under the bridge. Surely just a few degrees hotter and the cards we dueled with would surely burst into flame! I then took note of the opponent in the room, Bernard, leader of the Fire Fortress! I immediately noticed his pair of protective sunglasses as well as built-in fans to his apparel as well as what appeared to be tubes of some presumably cool liquid circulating throughout his cloths. Clearly this place of business operates as many businesses tend to do: favoring those at the top at the expense of those beneath. Indignant of such a display I announced my intent to duel with more than my usual resolve! He then explained that fire in this place will have no weakness to water and that was the reason for implementing lava in the workplace. He explained how he finds far less challengers to surpass him in such an environment. Little did he know, I possessed the ability to make his Pokemon weak to whatever strikes my fancy with Porygon!
I took down the tyrant with several zaps from my Voltorbs and switched his weakness to allow triumph with my Dark Rapidash. His Rapidash and Magmar presented the biggest obstacles but were unable to withstand my onslaught. I then scolded the fellow explaining he should offer better treatment of his employees as he clearly has the means. As I made my way to the exit, he merely laughed indicating his defeat is all the more reason to continue in his ways. After refreshing myself and having my suit properly clean, my next destination was the GR Fighting Fortress!
Upon my journey to the next fortress, I stopped at the GR Island’s Challenge Hall. Figuring it was a good time for a rest, I sat upon one of its many unoccupied stools. I reasoned that they must not have an event currently going. It was then that my phone spoke to me again! Quickly I answered and found the other end was occupied by one who was not outsourced to Neo judging by the lack of a Neo accent! A tear came to my eye as I explained the entirety of events leading to this moment. I then learned the harsh truth: Bill Incorporated has been navigating a particularly tumultuous bankruptcy thanks to the mismanagement of its gambling wing. Apparently the winnings have far exceeded the accepted perimeters and they had to relocate Bills Teleporter to his home. I then learned that his nephew, Timmy, a toddler of the age of 3 frequents his home and often plays unsupervised. Apparently his unfortunate penchant is to unplug the teleporter at every available opportunity! Bill is frequently too busy on calls with Lawyers regarding the bankruptcy so he has little time for supervision but plugs it back in from time to time. The rep apologized and mentioned he would hire an employee to protect the power cable, but lacks the funds. I thanked her for the information and concluded that my bribery of the gambling employees is likely connected to the failure of the teleporter. I wasn't particularly sympathetic considering the abuse I suffered at the hands of their demented call center, so although I could stop the bribery, there was a certain sense of ironic justice in its continuation. The teleporter will remain inconsistent regardless at this point anyway, so I opted to continue the bribery knowing that both cards will continue to occasionally fail.
Now that we have cleared up that matter, its time to phone my good friend Ronald to arrange to leave this phony resort behind! I dialed the number, lifted the phone to my ear, and then... nothing? The horrible truth then dawned on me: my phone had now died and I was without the means to recharge it! I slowly and deliberately slid it back into my pocket with dismay as I set out for the next destination. At least that horrible cacophony of terrible phone-filtered music ceased! I could take comfort in that. That Doduo was without cheer as a result of the departure of the infernal music that plagued my ears no more was icing on the cake. Dumb bird! It would now have to find alternative sources of torture to placate its tendencies!
I then began the trek to one of the few remaining fortresses on this island: the fighting fortress!
When I arrived at the fighting fortress, the receptionist informed me that the leader became lost again in the maze below and that I would have to venture in to find him. My questions regarding this matter were many, but my task was clear! To the maze! Its construction seemed relatively simple but it became apparent they had implemented trap doors to impede ones progress! I was not one to be hoodwinked by such measures so I simply navigated around them and found myself in a chamber with a lady by the name of Grace. I had to take but 1 look, just one to know what was about to happen. You can always see the hopeful desperation in the eyes… I made for a hasty exit as she began loudly proclaiming how fighting type energy is the best energy and all decks should only have that kind of energy in it. Clearly she has never seen what happens when you pit a fighting type against an especially dumb, lazy, fat, and masochistic bird or any other bearer of fighting resistance! No sir, i will not be making a fighting deck just so I can suffer a defeat at the likes of a creature like Doduo! Thankfully the complexity of the structure allowed for my quick disappearance, but her insufferable monologue would continue without end for the entire exploration of the structure. If one ever needs to know if something is unpleasant, one need only look to Doduo. Indeed its smugness suggested enjoyment. I simply must be rid of this place as fast as is convenient!
As i explored the remainder of this meandering mysterious mole-infested maze, I chanced upon a man by the name of Tony. He proclaimed we should duel but only if I were to downgrade my deck by removing the most useful common cards of all: Energy Removal.
"My good man" I replied. "I am already using a deck constructed completely of common cards and you ask that I debilitate it further? Why should you begrudge me what little advantage I can attain?"
He then began a tirade of how the cards are broken and should have never been invented and that they would be much better if a coin-flip was implemented for them to be successful. I then retorted that he was quite mad and that a coin-flip would render them pointless for all intent and purpose. Clearly he was not seeking refinement but rather oppression. It was already bad enough that Gamble and Bills Teleporter should often fail and this clod wants to nerf my power further? I bid him farewell as I made my way to the exit of this farce of a structure.
Upon returning to the lobby, I found the leader had returned! From what I could overhear in his conversation with the secretary, apparently in his exploration of his own maze he triggered one of the trap doors and he spent the better part of an hour inspecting the wall for secret passages! Eventually he turned around and found the stairs that had loomed behind him the entire time.
"I must have found the hidden switch to release the stairs" he proudly proclaimed.
The receptionist simply wore a mortified look as she mouthed in my direction the words "please make it stop" as she shook her head.
It would seem he did not find a secret switch to escape as there never was one and that the passage was already open and he had been too fixated on the wall to notice! Regardless of the apparent intelligence of this foe, his muscles were quite defined. He introduced himself as Brutis and he informed that he developed his muscles from sparing with what appeared to be a disturbingly battered but equally disturbingly satisfied Doduo. As such, all fighting resistance eliminated for any duels against him. I then sensed what could only be described as longing from my own Doduo as it peered at Brutis. That dumb bird wants the pain to be higher than usual of course! Regardless, if I am to progress, I must surpass this towering foe of a man!
The duel commenced and I denied my opponent to properly gear his Pokemon with energy as Porygon and Voltorb cut through his lighting resistance. Towards the tail end of the conflict, Dark Rapidash made short work of his lazy Scythers. I don't think I have ever seen a Scyther attack. It seems all they do is take hits and then retreat once they can bare no more. To my amazement, their laziness exceeds even that of Doduo. Speaking of Doduo, I made it a point for the entirety of the duel to avoid its use. In truth, I expected it to be full of despair at such a prospect, but through the keen twinkle of its eye I could tell it must have decided I indeed have affection for it to deny it of its joy and that it found comfort in that denial. There is something terribly wrong with this bird - no perhaps their entire species, and yet it offers a certain wisdom in finding happiness in unfortunate circumstances. Something to ruminate over perhaps?
There is yet one more destination before I can embark to the psychic fortress where that insufferable leader lurks whom presumably orchestrated my kidnapping: the Colorless Altar. As I journeyed to that distant structure, I pondered what kind of a place it might reveal itself to be.
Upon descending to the depths of the colorless altar, I found 3 mysterious figures loomed as they peered at me intently. Each one emerged from the shadows and stepped into the light as they introduced themselves: Alan, Avery, and Seth. I stared at them. They started at me. I stared at them more. They stared at me more. Quickly growing tired of this inexplicable silence I opened my mouth to inquire as to which of them I may duel but each of them all spoke in a clashing cacophony of confusing drivel. Unable to hear any of them clearly I could make out great excitement from Avery regarding Dark Pokemon and that any good deck must contain 4 of them. To complicate the matter further, he wore what was clearly a Pikachu hat. From Alan he had specific excitement for 4 Dratini. From Seth, it was 4 Pidgey. By this point I have had it up to here with all these insensible demands and asked any of them if they were man enough to duel me without hiding behind their fanaticism. They then began a heated argument among themselves bemoaning that each of the other two would not change their preferences so that they would be in unified alignment with each other. I then inquired of Avery why he was wearing a Pikachu hat. He then informed that it was a gift from his dearest younger sister Cassie of the lightning club. This revelation certainly tracks as I recall her incessant overbearing love of all things Pikachu. Apparently he cared for her enough that he would always wear it even though he wishes Pikachu were a dark type. I then inquired if he would agree to a duel if my deck contained 3 Dark Rapidash. He defiantly crossed his arms turned up his nose and proclaimed that his choice was clearly the best of the three but that he would not accept anything less than full compliance. I then reasoned that 3 was the optimal number for my deck but of course his reply was that 4 dark Pokemon is always optimal in every deck. I paused for a moment to think and then asked the other two if they agreed with his assessment. As planned they then resumed their heated argument.
Using the diversion as cover, I escaped what could only be described as the most dubious cult the world has ever seen. In particular, I noticed Seth who peers at you with closed eyes. What is beyond those eyes, and what should happen if he were to open them? I felt a sense of unease that hinted at unbridled power kept locked deep away by his farce of a 4 Pidgey requirement. Even in argument he did not truly seem bothered. I couldn't help but wonder what a duel with him would be like. I considered myself fortunate to not be required to battle him as I set out on my journey to the fateful encounter with the GR psychic leader, Clair.
Any reference to “Neo” is referring to the Pokemon Trading Card Game Neo rom-hack. It came out in the past year or so and uses cards that came out just after the original sets.
Certain opponents in the game change or add a rule to any duels played against them such as Catherine's ability as described in the story above.
Brooke in-game has an unusual skin color that i think is supposed to make her look tanned, but it just looks more like a sun-burn to me and was my inspiration for her sunburn in the story.
In the games, each island has a location/building known as a Challenge hall. Occasionally, there is a challenge cup held here where the player can participate in a mini-tournament against other duelists of the island to win a promo card if the player is undefeated after 3 or 4 opponents (I forget the exact number of opponents). Most of the time, a challenge cup is not being held so the building is typically relatively empty. Like clubs and fortresses, each challenge hall also has a lobby.
Ronald is the antagonist of the first game. Kind of like a counterpart to the rival from the mainline Pokemon games. Ronald's role in the 2nd game shifts to one that helps the player and scouts out Team GR.
Energy Removal is one of the most powerful trainer cards. Because you can play any number of trainer cards per turn, even if your opponent has set up multiple energy over multiple turns, you can remove them as much as you want as long as you play enough energy removal cards. It only removes 1 per Energy Removal card, but its a powerful defensive tactic against both AI duelists and even human opponents. Blastoise has a Pokemon power. Pokemon Power's are passive abilities for certain Pokemon with often powerful effects. Blastoise has a power called Rain Dance which removes the 1 energy per turn limit for attaching water energy to water Pokemon. This ability is so powerful, that a deck crafted to take advantage of it is one of the most powerful in the game and one of the most powerful decks to use in the old pvp metagame.
I love the humor in this series. It's like an abridged series but from the ground up. Like how the characters the gentlemen face are all one note characters similar to how Pokemon will have Gym Leaders that will have everything about them telegraph at first glance. Especially with how some are obsessed with their type more than others.
Also is Seth's closed eyes meant to riff on Brock?
I may not get the updated diary entries this time around but I do like what I see for what it is. I only feel that some paragraphs could still stand to be split more.
That said, while I like what I read, I'm not sure if it's, erm, for me. Like it's good but the presentation isn't my jam if you will. I'd hate to review out of obligation and, well, I don't need reviews that desperately.
Keep doing what you're doing but I may not come back to this. I'm sorry.
I love the humor in this series. It's like an abridged series but from the ground up. Like how the characters the gentlemen face are all one note characters similar to how Pokemon will have Gym Leaders that will have everything about them telegraph at first glance. Especially with how some are obsessed with their type more than others.
Also is Seth's closed eyes meant to riff on Brock?
I may not get the updated diary entries this time around but I do like what I see for what it is. I only feel that some paragraphs could still stand to be split more.
That said, while I like what I read, I'm not sure if it's, erm, for me. Like it's good but the presentation isn't my jam if you will. I'd hate to review out of obligation and, well, I don't need reviews that desperately.
Keep doing what you're doing but I may not come back to this. I'm sorry.
The humor is one of the things it has going for it especially early on in the fic. I'm glad its not lost on you.
I have plans to go back over things and see about splitting up paragraphs a bit more in general and additional feedback helps to reinforce that its needed.
Even if you don't come back to review more, I appreciate the input you provided.
Hey, 133TFR33k! Sorry for the delay in this review. I'm looking at the first three chapters here; I know you're interested in feedback on the later chapters especially, so I'll be back to check those out later. My impression is that the story diverges farther from your gameplay as things go along--I'm thinking it'd have to, since it feels like we've already seen most of the content TCG 2 would have to offer, but if so, I'm curious to see where things ultimately go!
I've played the first TCG game, myself, but never the second; didn't realize a translation patch had been released. I might have to check that out, since I did enjoy the first game. You set up a fun challenge for yourself here, what with only using common cards, and I think the combination of that restriction and the various deckbuilding requirements imposed by some of the later challenges in the game make this an interesting playthrough to read about from a gameplay perspective. I also really enjoy the various ways you've tried to make the game mechanics and weird twists of the TCG story coherent in terms of the narrative you're writing--things like the Bill's Teleporter card only working half the time because of customer support issues, for example. These are some of the highlights for me when reading any story based on gameplay, and you lean into them a great deal throughout these early chapters.
Probably the most enjoyable aspect of this fic for me is the character you've given the narrator; their obliviously petty, arrogant personality comes through strongly in the narration, and it gives the story a lot of personality and life. It works well with the comical tone you've established, and makes for an amusing dynamic with the doduo. Who of course is the other star of the show. Its antics add some fun color to the story around the different battles, and I look forward to seeing whether the narrator eventually begins to admit some fondness for the bird... or whether their semi-antagonistic relationship will continue throughout. Doduo in general is such a fun, overlooked pokémon. In the context of this story it reminds me of a bin chicken, something people usually get more performatively cranky about than actually mad about.
With any story that's to some extent a let's play recounting an actual video game experience, there's a tension between giving an accurate account of what happened in the game and telling a story that's satisfying in a typical narrative fashion. A game like the Pokémon TCG (or the mainline Pokémon games, for that matter) tends to be very repetitive, since it's presenting the player with a series of challenges intended to let them build up their skills gradually over time. And, notably, the Pokémon TCG story is fairly thin, more an excuse for the player to face new and different challenges than anything else.
You've pretty much replaced the game storyline with your own, which I think is a good move, but I don't know if the extent to which you've retained the "skirmish" aspect of the game is doing the story any favors. There are a LOT of characters thrown at the reader in each chapter, the majority of which appear only once and then never again, and who at best have one personality trait (and/or deck trait) that distinguishes them from everybody else. The plot is loosely sketched in around the narrator going around and winning card games against these characters. These sorts of scenes are not very interesting to me, and they make up the majority of these opening chapters. They also mean that when a character does reappear I probably don't remember who they are, since they were adrift in the middle of a bunch of one-offs I promptly forgot about, which means that as the plot began to emerge proper in Chapter 2 I had a bit of trouble following it.
There's no one way to fix this, and neither does it necessarily need to be fixed: if your goal is to document your gameplay as it happened and as completely as possible, then it's not like you can just skip a bunch of these fights and call it good. Making them individually more engaging is just going to require spending more time to develop each battle, which would turn this fic massive. But I think if you wanted to keep the story at a reasonable length and up the interest in the early chapters, you would need to remove or gloss over (as in, like, devote a couple sentences to) the majority of these card battles, and then focus on developing the remainder a little further, to bring some more interest to the characters being played against and the game itself, the challenge being put before the narrator. An alternative would be to do that, but retain information about the various individual battles under spoilers or as endnotes rather than including them in the main text of the chapter. Again, though, it's really a matter of what your intent is for the story; if you want to keep it as more of a game log, that's an entirely valid decision. For me, right now, the early chapters fell too far on the side of "faithfully recounting the gameplay experience" to hold my interest at times.
However, as I mentioned earlier, the plot ramps up a bit in the second chapter, and it looks as though you're trending away from in-game events, too. I'm curious whether you're ultimately going to leave the framework of the video game plot behind or whether there's a lot more TCG 2 to come, heh. I'll be back for more chapters later! In the meantime, congratulations again for getting this whole fic written up and posted.
Great to hear from you Negrek! I've looked forward to your review! Thanks for reading a few chapters too!!
Correct. From this point the story needs to be more story driven and less gameplay driven. Most of the story from my fic came from how I would tie in the post-game duelists in a way that makes narrative sense. For that, I had to get very creative compared to the first few chapters.
Since you enjoyed the first game, I wholeheartedly recommend the 2nd. Its better in almost every way. At the same time, if you played the first game a long time ago, the 2nd will hit you just right in the nostalgia, especially knowing that they will never make a 3rd installment in the series and even if they did, the magic and charm of the original 2 will be forever lost to time.
I think you may be the 2nd reader of the fic that will be able to appreciate the gameplay aspects of it, but I have to admit that the duels were not intended to be play-by-play theatrical masterpieces for the most part. They are more like a report on how I did. If you really want to get the full gameplay experience, take the deck and play it in the game! You could even follow the fic as you go, but keep in mind you will need to do that after you have acquired the cards to make the deck and you will also need to beat the game once since my lets play was a post-game thing. And yes, I do enjoy trying to make sense of seemingly nonsensical aspects of the card game and the story of the games.
I was surprised at how well the protagonist does at being one. He originated in my mind as a steriotypical Brittish gentleman that I kept adding to, expanding upon, and transforming. I think if Doduo were not in the fic, it would be pretty bland. I didn't set out to make a fic with a Doduo star though, it just came about spontaneously as with many things in the fic. I didn't have to really start thinking about things until I got to chapter 5 when I was originally writing it, but I've been implementing as many ideas to improve all of it as much as I can.
Yes, the story of the games is extremely limited and bare bones but it did let me get away with a ton of creative liberties as a result! Most of those creative liberties don't start becoming apparent until chapter 4 though.
The narrative revolves around the duels in the lets play or getting to those duels as well as providing reasons for them to occur. Due to the sheer number of characters, I couldn't be bothered to flesh them out more when I originally wrote it, but I did develop certain characters much more than in the first few chapters.
It sounds like you understand the problem of the many duelists. Skipping fights would kill the lets-play and would hurt the narrative because of it too. Making the duels and interactions with every duelist super detailed would indeed make the fic way too large for details that don't serve the over-all narrative.
I think you are on the right track about developing the characters and story a bit more while tucking away the majority of the duel details in spoilers. Perhaps the fic might be better if I removed the details entirely, but I would rather take a small blow there to preseve the lets-play that caused it to exist in the first place. I do think making it easier for people to skip over the duel details is a good thing for the fic overall. I think a small description for duels that otherwise have a lot of detail would be a good thing too. I hadn't really stopped to think about different ways to approach the duels but I thought there was a good chance I would need/want to do so at some point. Incredibly useful input here!
Based on your feedback, I belive you will enjoy the remaining chapters of the fic more than the ones you have read so far. I think by the time you get to my later chapters, I will have edited them further.
