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Pokémon Trading Card Game 2: Doduo Adventures (Complete)

Chapter 1 - Part 2: Water & Fire New

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Partners
  1. doduo
Chapter 1 - Part 2: Water & Fire

(17)

Upon entering, I noticed the floor was comprised of small seashells that had been flattened and presumably cemented to the floor. There were a couple large puddles in the entrance room.

I visited the lobby for my routine water. Apparently the water from this fountain directly connects to an enriched aquifer deep below the ground. This water was simply the very model of refinement! As for the rest of the lobby, it had a mixture of small blue tiles, yellow tiles, and brown tiles and a couple tiny pools with blue glass orbs with a black water energy symbol in them sitting on top of small pillars in each pool.

I then made my way into the main area of the fortress. The first room had a pool of water surrounding a raised platform connected to both the exit and entrance by wooden plank bridges. The floor was more seashells.

Doduo jumped into the water and began to swim around the perimeter of the room.

In the center of the platform was another fanatic by the name of Jacob. He had dark short hair, was wearing swim trunks, no shirt, and a pair of silver googles resting above his eyes on his head with big red letters on the lenses: 'G R'. He looked to be about ten years old.

TCG2_Senta_Win.png

The moment he began speaking, it became evident to me that his tedious tirade of how water energy is the best energy type would not be ending any time soon! Thankfully his eyes remained shut as he confidently droned on. In fact he was so distracted by his own speech that I was able to simply walk right past him into the next room! Thankful that I need not endure his inane ramblings, I made my way to the next chamber.

Doduo swam quickly leaping out of the water and onto the bridge as it followed.

The next chamber was massive and housed a glorious and impressive waterfall of epic proportions! The height of this room must have been upwards of fifty feet! Along the sides of the waterfall were natural rock cliffs! There was a large platform in the middle connected to the entrance and exit by small wooden plank bridges. The platform was surrounded by water except for the side near the entrance. The floor was more of the trademark seashells. There was a third bridge that connected to the waterfall which appeared to cover an entrance to another room!

Doduo ran full speed into the waterfall! It then began to run up the waterfall! Once it got to the top, it flung itself down onto one of the rocks below. It looked immensely painful. I honestly have no idea how it survives these things! Shortly after, it picked itself up and hobbled about with a look of pleasure upon its faces. It released an absurd amount of feathers during this stunt.

I would have loved to linger in this place but I noticed the all-too-excited gaze of another would-be duelist by the name of Cody. He wore a blue wet-suit and a black bandana with the GR logo. His skin was significantly tanned from sun exposure. He looked to be maybe seventeen.

TCG2_Miyajima.png

The vice imposed upon this fellow was such that he should glorify all things Magikarp! He insisted that a fabulous treasure lay beyond the bridge and cave behind the waterfall, but only those with four Magikarp in their decks may lay eyes upon it.

I glanced the other direction and noticed a sign that read "This way to the leader's chamber" I gave one look to the hopeful Magikarp fanatic and one look to the room's exit and quickly stepped away as he desperately spoke as fast as he can trying to sway my opinion on Magikarp. He then quickly began offering me many different things to stay and duel him, but the more desperate he became, the more suspicious I became.

He then started to try to give me pencils, hats, drink coasters and small car chargers - all of them Magikarp themed - but I knew the game; accept anything and it becomes a form of psychological entrapment meant to lure you in to listen to their supposedly short speech that would no doubt last hours! Once that happens its only a matter of time before they try reeling you in to purchase a questionable time share and running your credit without asking! Oh I’m sure his gift card for listening to his sales pitch would be real, but to a far greater extent would be my regret of the time wasted!

Fully expecting this used-car-salesman of a duelist to follow me throughout the entire rest of the fortress, I indicated to him that I might duel him on my way out if he waited patiently. Thank the stars it seemed to have worked! I quickly made my way deeper into the fortress.

The next room initially appeared to be unoccupied. It was a long room full of water, some small platforms, and long wooden plank bridges connecting them. Our of the water in several locations scattered about the room were rock pillars. The floor was the same as the previous rooms.

Doduo leaped to the nearest pillar landing on it gracefully. It then began leaping from pillar to pillar with great finesse. When it got to the final pillar, it failed, massively plunging headlong into the rock and sliding down into the water. I loomed over the edge to see it floating with several bubbles coming up. I considered jumping in to help it but it rolled over and let itself float around while it breathed. It looked satisfied, so I decided to ignore it.

Just as I was about to make my way towards the next room, A figure dramatically flipped from the depths of the water onto a nearby platform and with one of the most absurd poses I have ever seen, my foe declared himself as Alex. He wore a green wet-suit and a snorkel mask connected to oxygen tanks. He was wearing a black swim-cap and goggles for his eyes. He was a bit chubby. His gear made it too hard to guess his age.

TCG2_Aira.png

He boldly spoke, "I heard how you use your bench to power up your Voltorb, but I bet you can't beat me if you have two less bench slots!"

I inquired as to how much he would be willing to bet. He then pulled out his wallet and revealed his funds. Realizing that the amount of money needed to maintain my bribery of the gambling company was ever mounting, I wagered his funds would prove useful and thus our duel commenced!

How one such as he became someone who is popular here I will never know. His cringe-inducing actions ceased the moment my victory was claimed. It baffles the mind that he actually reasoned such a restriction would inhibit my ability to secure dominance in our duel. He laid his funds down and with overly dramatic posturing sunk himself back down into the depths.

I then proceeded into the central chamber. There were multiple waterfalls cascading into a pool in the middle of the room. Out of the pool in the middle was a large stone platform connected to the entrance by a stone bridge. The platform was at the stop of a set of wide stairs. the water from the pool in the middle spilled over the edge below into another pool that the bridge extended over.

Brooke the GR leader of the water stood atop the platform and greeted me. She wore a white swim cap with a red GR logo on it. She also wore a white bikini that left rather little to the imagination. She had brown eyes and very tanned skin. In fact, I could tell it was actually sun burned skin!

TCG2_Kanoko_Loss.png

Rather than discussion of the duel we would proceed to, she was preoccupied with how one ought to not use tanning beds too frequently and how it will make you look darker than you realize. She explained she was always kept indoors and unable to bathe in the warm rays of the sun, so she thought she could make up for it in the tanning bed, but the tanning bed was on too high of a setting. Her motions were stiff and calculated as she winced from the severe sunburn. She then commented that Bill's inventions are not all they are cracked up to be, especially Bill's Ultra Sun Tan Super Deluxe Bed! I instantly empathized with her as we began our cordial and respectable duel.

Our duel swiftly concluded. Water was no match for my Voltorb no matter who wielded it. She did notice how my Bill's Teleporter only seemed to function half of the time though and expressed her sympathies. After the duel, we compared our general grievances regarding Bill and that the marketing of his products far exceeds their benefits. She was impressed by my ability to draw eight cards with Gambler though and concluded it must be fated that the win became mine. I allowed her to draw her own conclusions on the matter rather than attempt to explain the benefits of bribery as I made a graceful exit.

As I made my way towards the outside I passed Cody who looked at me expectantly while approaching.

TCG2_Miyajima.png

I quickly explained there was an emergency and that I would be unable to duel after all and quickly left. Having a real emergency of kidnap and potential starvation was feeling pretty amazing right now all things considered!

Back into the initial room, it seemed Jacob was now concluding his thesis on all things water. As he opened his eyes, I paused for a moment.

He then exclaimed "I can't believe it! You're the first person to ever listen to me all the way through! I was going to duel, but just being listened to is more than I could ever ask for! Mark my words, friend, when the resistance rises, we shall set you aside and our wrath will spare you!"

TCG2_Senta_Win.png

I simply nodded and performed a slight bow as I exited and returned to the lobby for more of that exquisite water!

I then visited the counter with my newfound funds and gazed at the assortment of snacks they had for sale. I attempted to purchase one but the employee manning the lobby store refused to take them out for me to purchase stating that by order of Claire on behalf of the King, no one was to sell or provide food to me.

Well, it was worth a shot.

I then made my way out of the fortress.

The next destination would be the GR of Fire Fortress!



(18)

As I entered the fire fortress, I was taken aback at how they have literal lava flows inside the building! The only thing that struck me more than the unbearable heat was the absurd amount of money it must take to maintain such a spectacle!

Reasoning that I would be losing hydration quickly in this place, I made my typical stop to the lobby for water. The lobby was a fantastic and comfortable temperature. The floor was all what appeared to be black rocks, perhaps obsidian. After drinking more than I usually would, exited the lobby and made my way inside the main section of the fortress.

Lava pools lined most of the walls in the first room.

Doduo walked up to the lava and peered intently into it. Before long its feathers caught on fire as it ran around gleefully as its burning feathers started falling off.

Ignoring the insane bird I noticed the next member of GR waiting in the room: Jess. Notable was the mask upon Jess's face. When I inquired as to why, Jess simply replied ominously that one should never seek plastic facial surgery from Bill's discount doctor services. Not wanting to keep the matter focused on such a horrid topic, I quickly pulled my deck out for our assumed duel.

TCG2_Jes.png

I fought fire with fire as my Dark Rapidash clashed with Jess's Dark Rapidash. My Pokemon proved to be the greater of the two however! Upon the conclusion of our contest, Jess pulled up the mask to cover the eyes in shame. I then noticed the face appeared perfectly presentable! When I inquired upon this, Jess pulled the mask off and looked down to the left while admitting it was just a stunt meant to garner sympathy in the hopes of it affecting the duel. Having no clue how one should respond to such a revelation, I simply shook my head as I departed for the next room.

The next enclosure offered the same extreme in temperature. A raised platform of rock connected by a stone bridge on either side with a pool of lava surrounding the platform on all sides though the bridges were far enough above the lava for it to be safe to cross. How anyone could stand about all day in such places though was utterly beyond me. It had to be near 110 degrees here! Granted, even that seemed cool compared to what I would expect temperatures around lava to typically be. Even so, my poor suit will no doubt be unfit to keep wearing once I am done here!

As I tread into the tumultuous temperature torture, I noticed Doduo happily rolling along the floor to finally put out the literal fire in its feathers. I suppose it does need to put out flame because if all of its feathers burn away it won't have any left to leave about everywhere! Well, at least we will not need to tidy this place of feathers for a change!

(19)

I then noticed who appeared to be perhaps a little girl of age ten. She had light blue eyes with light blue hair to match. Kind of like the color of a blue flame. She also wore a blue shirt but had a light yellow apron on with the GR logo on it.

TCG2_Yuki.png

She then approached me and introduced herself as Kara and that she has been taught to duel anyone who desires, but only if they empty their entire deck of all energy except fire.

What is with this island that it has so many odd and varied fanatics?! The common-folk of TCG Island never took to tedium such as this! I braced my ears for what I assumed would be yet another hail of pointless monologue about how fire by itself was superior to all other energy types, but to my great surprise, she simply asked if I would be willing to duel under the conditions! When I inevitably declined, she simply curled up on the floor to nap speaking of how it was too hot to duel anyway.

It was at this point I realized that I still had that tiny Doduo fan that one typically acquires at theme parks! Reasoning that she will likely need it far more than myself, I presented it to her as a charitable contribution. GR member or not, this ten year old did NOT kidnap me and deserves kindness!

At this her face lightened mentioning she had never received a gift before and would always cherish it. She then activated the device and lay about content as I went about my way.

"I'll make sure to tell them you are good. Thank you so much Mr!" she called out as I made my way through the door.

Doduo followed. Its plumage mostly charred. It actually looked more black than tan at this point. I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it. Doduo seemed pleased to be the focus of such things.

The next room was smaller but only a comparatively thin winding walkway separated the lava.

Doduo marveled at all the lava about this room but apparently decided it had enough fun with burns for now as it stayed fairly close to me patiently.

My next would-be opponent was on the far end of the room and donned the name of Ellen. She wore a yellow and red cap and had beautiful long brown hair with bangs that covered one of her eyes. She wore a tight red suit with yellow buttons. She looked to be about twenty-four years old. I noticed how she might be close to suffering initial stages of heat stroke as she attempted to explain why every deck should contain four Eevee.

TCG2_Shoko_Loss.png

I explained that she may need medical attention and should visit the lobby of the club where it is hopefully of more tolerable temperature. Clearly she wanted to speak further of Eevee but her weariness of the heat won out as she sauntered towards the exit muttering something about the regulatory body of the island needing to impose better workplace accommodations.

I decided to accompany her to the lobby for if she were to have a medical emergency, that would surely outrank some petty starvation of mine. I offered my arm to her which she accepted as I began to escort her to the lobby.

Doduo immediately began bouncing itself on the floor shaking off the charred bits of feathers. It now looked like it was having a bad hair day, or in this case feathers! It did remove most of the ash and soot from its feathers though.

Half way to the lobby she started having trouble walking. To my surprise, Doduo ran out ahead and lowered its body! I helped her on praying it wasn't about to jump into a nearby pit of lava. I would try to carry Ellen, but I do not lift weights and seriously doubted my ability to reliably carry anyone older than a small child. Doduo carefully lifted her and made its way to the lobby and cooperated in helping her into a chair!

TCG2_Shoko_Loss.png

I noticed that other than some feather ash, Ellen did not appear to have any of Doduo's feathers stuck to it. Hah! She must have got lucky since I supposed too many of its feathers fell out or burned recently!

I then purchased a water bottle and brought it to her. She thanked me and gave Doduo a pet on one of its heads. She then mentioned I should come back and see her once my business here was concluded. She explained that they have a shower here and a fast dry cleaning service usually reserved for employees but that she would let me use them.

What good luck! Here I was worried that a foul stench would linger upon me for the entirety of the remainder of my journey here!

I thanked her and once I was satisfied she would be ok, I noticed Jess and Kara sitting in some chairs.

TCG2_Jes.png

TCG2_Yuki.png

They looked pretty hot but Kara was still using the fan I gave her. I reasoned it must be one of several breaks they likely get during the day.

Kara looked up at me with her hopeful eyes and a smile. She wished me luck in my duel!

I thanked her as I placed an arm across my stomach and bowed.

I mentioned I would put on a special performance just for her.

As I turned to leave, I noticed Doduo appeared to be staying behind. Could it be that it wanted to keep an eye on Ellen, given her condition? Utterly perplexed, I made my way towards the furthest depths of the Fire Fortress.

(20)

In the final chamber, I noted there was even more lava than the other rooms! Lava below the bridge that connected to the central location. Lava above on a platform above spilling out onto the main platform before flowing further to meet the lava under the bridge. Surely just a few degrees hotter and the cards we dueled with would surely burst into flame!

I then took note of the opponent in the room, Bernard, leader of the Fire Fortress! I immediately noticed his pair of protective sunglasses as well as built-in fans to his apparel as well as what appeared to be tubes of some presumably cool liquid circulating throughout his unique apparel. Clearly this place of business operates as many businesses tend to: favoring those at the top at the expense of those beneath.

TCG2_Hidero.png

Indignant of such a display I announced my intent to duel with more than my usual resolve! He then explained that fire in this place will have no weakness to water and that was the reason for implementing lava in the workplace. He explained how he finds far less challengers to surpass him in such an environment. Little did he know, I possessed the ability to make his Pokemon weak to whatever strikes my fancy with Porygon!

I took down the tyrant with several zaps from my Voltorbs and switched his weakness to allow triumph with my Dark Rapidash. His Rapidash and Magmar presented the biggest obstacles but were unable to withstand my onslaught.

I then scolded the fellow explaining he should offer better treatment of his employees as he clearly has the means. As I made my way to the exit, he merely laughed indicating his defeat is all the more reason to continue in his ways.

I made my way back to the lobby and noticed Doduo performing various antics as Ellen laughed.

I went about showering and having my suit dry cleaned. Once I was done I began to leave the lobby and noticed Doduo trotted up to Ellen and nudged its heads affectionately on her arm. She smiled and gave each head a stroke. Doduo had a peculiar reaction to this. It seemed to hate it, perhaps, but appeared to be trying its best to convince itself of the opposite! Doduo then bowed to her before turning around and promptly trotting over to me.

As I left, I noticed Kara standing expectantly outside. I suppose she must have been waiting for me?

TCG2_Yuki.png

She was amazed by my duel and decided to give me a gift! It was in a little sandwich bag. It looked like a cabbage roll filled with... rice? Such a simple little thing! To my starving body though, it might as well have been gold!

I can't just accept this so easily though... Clearly the folk of this island fear retaliation from their King!

I asked her if it was really ok to give this to me and that I didn't want her to be in trouble.

She asked me to lean close so she could whisper.

I obliged.

She whispered that she will let me have it if I keep it a secret and that no one could know!

Finally someone on this island who ISN'T willing to watch me starve!

I gave her my solemn vow as a gentleman with my hand upon my heart.

She held it out for me again.

I accepted after first looking around to make sure no one was watching. I will not have her tarnished on my account!

Kara watched as I ate it. Her eyes lit up as I bit into it.

It tasted bland, but I didn't care. It was so nice to have something-anything else to eat!

After finishing, I reasoned that her food was more valuable than the money I had on me, so I emptied my pockets of every scrap of cash, every coin. I crouched down to her level, thanked her face to face, and gave the money to her.

I regretted that it wasn't much. Perhaps this small gesture would be meaningless to her, but honor would not allow for me to do any less!

Barely a second went by when, suddenly she was hugging me!

She wished me good luck in the rest of the duels here and that she would be rooting for me!

Far be it from me to coldly reject a hug from one such as this!

I gave her a hug back and lingered a little while for her before standing up.

Ah... a pity there are not more on this island like her.

I bid her farewell and took my leave.

With Kara's hopes and the ever-present Doduo, my next destination was the GR Fighting Fortress!



(21)

Upon my journey to the next fortress, I stopped at the GR Island’s Challenge Hall. Figuring it was a good time for a rest, I sat upon one of its many unoccupied stools. I reasoned that they must not have an event currently going.

It was then that my phone spoke to me again! Quickly I answered and found the other end was occupied by one who was not outsourced to Neo judging by the lack of a Neo accent! A tear came to my eye as I explained the entirety of events leading to this moment.

I then learned the harsh truth: Bill Incorporated has been navigating a particularly tumultuous bankruptcy thanks to the mismanagement of its gambling wing. Apparently the winnings have far exceeded the accepted perimeters and they had to relocate Bill's Teleporter to his home. I then learned that his nephew, Timmy, a toddler of the age of three, frequents his home and often plays unsupervised. Apparently his unfortunate penchant is to unplug the teleporter at every available opportunity! Bill is frequently too busy on calls with Lawyers regarding the bankruptcy so he has little time for supervision but plugs it back in from time to time. The rep apologized and mentioned he would hire an employee to protect the power cable, but lacks the funds.

I thanked her for the information and concluded that my bribery of the gambling employees is likely connected to the failure of the teleporter. I wasn't particularly sympathetic considering the abuse I suffered at the hands of their demented call center, so although I could stop the bribery, there was a certain sense of ironic justice in its continuation. The teleporter will remain inconsistent regardless at this point anyway, so I opted to continue the bribery knowing that both cards will continue to occasionally fail. I reasoned that my bribery was only a small portion of the overall unreliability of the teleporter and surely my bribery has been increasing my chances considerably more with the Gambler card!

Now that we have cleared up that matter, it's time to phone my good friend Ronald to arrange to leave this phony resort behind!
Ronald.png

I dialed the number, lifted the phone to my ear, and then... nothing? The horrible truth then dawned on me: my phone had now died and I was without the means to recharge it! I slowly and deliberately slid it back into my pocket with dismay as I set out for the next destination.

At least that horrible cacophony of terrible phone-filtered music ceased! I could take comfort in that. That Doduo was without cheer as a result of the departure of the infernal music that plagued my ears no more, was icing on the cake. Dumb bird! It would now have to find alternative sources of torture to placate its tendencies!

I then began the trek to one of the few remaining fortresses on this island: the fighting fortress!

(22)

When I arrived at the fighting fortress, I marveled at the stone architecture of the structure and the sections of marble flooring near the doors. It appeared to be oldest structure I had ever seen! The entrance was lined with several statues of people with primitive clothing. I also noticed to my dismay that this fortress doesn't have a lobby! What?! How do they visit the restroom and drink from water fountains with no lobby!? How do they buy snacks? What kind of place IS this?! I then resolved to be out of this place as quickly as possible.

The receptionist for the fortress was standing nearby and informed me that the leader became lost again in the maze below and that I would have to venture in to find him. My questions regarding this matter were many, but my task was clear! To the maze!

Upon entering the main hall, it became evident that the exit was up ahead which would lead to the remaining locations on my map of GR Island: the Colorless Altar, Psychic Stronghold, and GR Castle. As for the main hall itself, the stone architecture continued here but I noticed some of it had been painted with the path to the exit in red, and giant letters on the left and right sides of the hall: "G R". Near the exit, was two bronze pillars with some kind of old writing etched into them. On the left and right sides were doorways with stairs with signs above them that read "Maze". On the left side was another set of stairs with a sign that read "Exit From Maze" I then proceeded down the stairs into the maze.

The construction of the maze seemed relatively simple and judging from some odd outlines on the walls, it appeared there used to be metal fixtures for torches but they had since been replaced by standard lights. I also noticed the floor looked peculiar in some sections. After looking closely, I determined they had implemented trap doors in the floor to impede ones progress! I was not one to be hoodwinked by such measures so I simply navigated around them.

I soon found myself in a large dead-end chamber with a lady by the name of Grace. She wore tight fitting blue gym equipment and a black bandana tied around her forehead with big red letters on it: 'G R'. She had spiky orange hair and light blue eyes. She looked to be about twenty years old.

TCG2_Grace_Win.png

I had to take but one look, just one to know what was about to happen. You can always see the hopeful desperation in the eyes…

I made for a hasty exit as she began loudly proclaiming how fighting type energy is the best energy and all decks should only have that kind of energy in it. Clearly she has never seen what happens when you pit a fighting type against an especially dumb, lazy, fat, and masochistic bird or any other bearer of fighting resistance! No sir, i will not be making a fighting deck just so I can suffer a defeat at the likes of a creature like Doduo!

Thankfully the complexity of the structure allowed for my quick disappearance, but her insufferable monologue would continue without end for the entire exploration of the structure. If one ever needs to know if something is unpleasant, one need only look to Doduo. Indeed, its smugness suggested enjoyment. I simply must be rid of this place as fast as is convenient!

As I explored the remainder of this meandering mysterious mole-infested maze, I chanced upon a man by the name of Tony. He had pale skin and was bald and muscular with no facial hair.

He proclaimed we should duel but only if I were to downgrade my deck by removing the most useful common cards of all: Energy Removal!

"My good man," I scoffed, "I am already using a deck constructed completely of common cards and you ask that I debilitate it further? Why should you begrudge me what little advantage I can attain?"

He then began a tirade of how the cards are broken and should have never been invented and that they would be much better if a coin-flip was implemented for them to be successful. I then retorted that he was quite mad and that a coin-flip would render them pointless for all intent and purpose. Clearly he was not seeking refinement but rather oppression! It was already bad enough that Gamble and Bill's Teleporter should often fail and this clod wants to nerf my power further? I bid him farewell as I made my way to the exit of the maze. Perhaps the leader returned from the maze as well so I can get on with things?

Brooke in-game has an unusual skin color that i think is supposed to make her look tanned, but it just looks more like a sun-burn to me and was my inspiration for her sunburn in the story.
In the games, each island has a location/building known as a Challenge hall. Occasionally, there is a challenge cup held here where the player can participate in a mini-tournament against other duelists of the island to win a promo card if the player is undefeated after 3 or 4 opponents (I forget the exact number of opponents). Most of the time, a challenge cup is not being held so the building is typically relatively empty. Like clubs and fortresses, each challenge hall also has a lobby.
Ronald is the antagonist of the first game. Kind of like a counterpart to the rival from the mainline Pokemon games. Ronald's role in the 2nd game shifts to one that helps the player and scouts out Team GR.
 
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ShiniGojira

Multiversal Extraordinaire
Location
Stranded In The Gaps between Multiverses
Pronouns
He/him/they/her
Partners
  1. froslass
  2. zorua-gojira
  3. salandit-shiny
  4. goomy
Hello, here's the review of Chp 3 and 4. Sorry if it's a little late.

Summary of Chp 3:

So Mr Nameless finds a note inviting him to GR island and this time, he's a lot more inclined to visit that place since y'know, no kidnapping.

He gets there, meets the king and after learning about this card dungeon thingy, he was immediately introduced to the horror that is gambling and understandably he was horrified.

After that, he meets the queen and learns that this dungeon thingy is apparently like chess or something.

Summary of Chp 4:

Mr Nameless talks to Pawn and asks to see the murals in which Pawn gives him a tour. And after a bunch of history stuff about the past heroes, we get some hints about Mr Nameless possibly being the next hero. After that, he beats Pawn, meets Knight and bears him too before meeting up with the Queen.

Chapter 3 Review:

It was a fun read. I can certainly notice the improvement compared to the previous three chapters. I don't think I have much I want to say here. The characters were fun, the receptionist especially was funny and I liked the gambling scene, kinda goofy that it took 'em this long to invent gambling but it's funny enough to imagine that the world would've been a lot happier if Bill wasn't such a greedy corpa guy.

The only real complaint I do have is Imakumi. Not his character per se, just his dialogue being kinda wonky. It kinda sticks out when compared to everyone else and I don't know, I just kinda hate it. I've put in more details about him in my line-by-line comments and I kinda don't wanna repeat myself so you can find it there.

Anyway, yeah it was nice chapter. I'm gotta head on to Chp 4 now.

Chp 4 Review:

So this chapter was rather interesting, learning about the history of the past heroes and stuff like that. Really weird implications of the world's current technology though. 'cause the exposition kinda makes it feel like the world is stagnate because people are too scared to advance their tech because they don't wanna destroy the world or something shit. Which is like super weird though because the world so far feels like it's like our modern era except a tinsy bit more advanced. I don't know. It really feels like the exposition is trying to tell me that the world is sorta in the medieval era or industrial revolution era but that obviously can't be true because of y'know, phones and stuff.

Anyway, aside from that. The history was nice to read through, I like seeing all the different heroes and how Mr Nameless is likely gonna be the next one. Lugia being possibly the next bad guy is super weird though but I'm guessing that's more of a game thing since I assume when they made the game, they had no idea what to do with Legendaries.

But I do have a tiny complaint and it's the exposition itself. While dedicating a chapter to just talking about the world's history isn't bad per se, since I did enjoy it. I'm not entirely sure other people will enjoy just reading through what's essentially a history book with barely anything in between. Like I'll be honest and say I did kinda nod off when reading halfway through the exposition.

I'm not particularly good at writing exposition myself but I can give some advice on making it more palatable. One being cut down the fluff, no need for more words than necessary, split the sections up into several smaller parts, maybe add some more interactions between Pawn and Mr Nameless or add more of Mr Nameless's thoughts on the matter. You could even just have a part of the history lesson be said before skipping past them and bringing it up later. Because it felt like the story kinda just stopped for a moment just to dump all of the history onto me before continuing.

Though it's probably better if you watch a video about learning how to dump exposition since I'm not super good at explaining things myself. So take what I said with a grain of salt.

Now let's head on to my line-by-line comments:

Chp 3:

thank you again for all the good you had done when last you were here.
While not grammatically wrong I think 'when you were last here' reads better here

our finest pretzel bakeries.
Lol, pretzel bakeries? So not only do these bakeries sell just pretzels but there are also several of them? Damn, maybe I should try a pretzel or something if it's this popular

I had expected I had defeated all the inhabitants unwilling to disgrace my deck with their rules,
I feel like replacing 'expected' with 'thought' or 'believed' would flow better here
As I crossed the threshold the doorman informed
Missing a comma between these
He also commented that the daycare does not have a door because trying to obstruct Doduo would just lead to broken doors if the Doduo become tired of it.
And they're sure they tried their all in solving this conundrum 'cause I feel like just replacing the doors for gates would work better unless like the daycare's similar to a kid's daycare or something instead of a barn
Perhaps it was in a molting season or something?
Shouldn't it be dropping more feathers during molting season or am I looking at this wrong?
Upon my arrival to the lobby, I noticed a rather strange man in a red suit. He bore some resemblance to the strange man in the black suit near the beginning of my common Pokemon card deck journey! What was his name again...? Ah! Imakuni!?

TCG2_Imakuni_Red.png
That's one ugly mofo.
He then announced "I'm going to take you out and put you on the clearance rack! Eh? I Lost? Well...that bites. When you see me next, I'll be even redder than I am now! I'm off to continue
Needs punctuation here.

So I'll be straight, Imakumi's dialogue feels very flat and I'm not sure if it's intentional but it's very game-y and unnatural like Mr Nameless just found a IRL npc or something. Having Imakumi perform some actions or have his dialogue fixed up would probably make him a lot easier to read. As it really does feel like he's reading off a script.
You have but to ask the receptionist here and she will supply you with some.
A random 'but' snuck in here
"Good sir, you will do well to remember to return these chips before you leave" she mentioned with a clearly fake smile on her face.
Dialogue needs punctuation here
She then leaned in close, the smile now dropped from her face as she breathed
Tag needs punctuation
She then glanced around to make sure no one was looking and then took her index finger and dragged it across her throat slowly and deliberately.
Ooh, I like her
He looked up noticing my bag of chips a
Needs a comma between these
As I tread,
Should be treaded
could feel the receptionists cold stare upon
Missing an apostrophe
As he mentioned it I inwardly cringed.
Need a comma between these.
Turning to another corner of the room, he continued "Ah, over here we have the coin toss combo! You know, at first I was going to install a VR game where you play as and explore the world as a Scyther, but it turns out the cost for a coin toss table was so much more reasonable that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to save some money! A penny saved is a penny earned as they say!"
Tag needs punctuation
I would have loved to have played that!
A bit redundant to have two 'have verb' here, you should remove one so it's either 'i would have loved to play' or 'I would love to have played'
The King chuckled a bit as we continued."Ah, and here we have the Black Box"
A space got eaten here and dialogue needs punctuation
Our families records goes back many generations
Either missing an apostrophe or it should be 'family records'. Depends on if it has multiple families or just the one
The receptionist replied "aww thats so sweet Billy, you run along now!"
Tag needs punctuation. Also gotta capitalize the dialogue.
Even my late uncles blood money
if the mans soul
Missing an apostrophe
"WHAT?" Said the king in a loud voice.
'Said' shouldn't be capitalized here
she spoke:
Wrong punctuation here. Should be a period
I listened intently as she spoke: "Greetings friend! My liege the king Villicci has informed us of your impending arrival! Since your departure from our island on your first visit, he recognized that your ability to best everyone on our island with a deck full of commons meant that our common level dueling skills needed improvement! His first action was to create a core team of stronger duelists who's function is to gradually introduce more complex tactics and deck-building skills to the islands inhabitants. Our team still uses all cards at our disposal, and we are utilized for this attraction, but the majority of our time is spent refining our skills and testing our mettle against one another. After a most grueling training regiment, we can proudly state with confidence that some among us can now go toe to toe in matches with our king! As such, we believe we will provide ample challenges in our roles here! As this is our grand opening, the king wanted to make sure we were able to stand against more than just himself to prove that we are up to the task. For that, he could think of no better opponent for us than you!"
Massive wall of dialogue here. I think it's best if you either cut down some stuff or split them up with some movement or action tags since my first reaction to seeing was 'Geez, that's a lot'
"It gladdens me to see evidence of the kings reforms
Missing an apostrophe
the door re-opened inviting me inside.
Needs a comma between these

Chp 4
might I take some time to examine the fine painted stone painted murals of these ruins?
Think you got an extra painted slipped in there unless you're saying someone used a stone to paint the murals?
The king mentioned we would likely get folk
Should be 'folks'
Other than that, simply let me know when you are done!.
An extra period at the end there
Yes! I heard from Queen that the king hired an expert. He lives on the island in fact! Actually, he sometimes lives somewhere else too I have heard. I am unsure if he has decoded them, is working on it, or gave up though! The building was already constructed when I began my training here for the attraction, you see."
Imagine if the 'expert' is Bill. GR King be singlehandedly bringing Bill's company back from bankruptcy, bro.
Thank you my good fellow
Should have a comma between these
I found myself speaking without fully intending to do so, "fascinating..." I then regained my awareness. "Please do continue!"
Should capitalize this
The history books speak of a curse upon the land that caused roughly half of the entire world to get sick and die!
Lol, so the whole world's Europe?
Well maybe your right! I don't know! Its not like I could do anything about it anyway if Bill
Wrong form of "you're" and "it's"
the more poor the inhabitants of our island became
Should be 'poorer'
don't think its wise to underestimate the indifference of billionairs to human suffering."
billionaires' Also true AF, Mr Nameless
Still, if Anna's story shows anything, its that there is always a way to overcome human greed
Again, "it's"
Lugia helped create Neo island but Lugia is also wanting to destroy the world?
'Lugia also wanted to' flows better here
think its likely we will find out who this person is very soon. I assume this will be either the next or the final hero."
Its a question archeologists have long wondered about
Should be "it's"
Either that or he had extremely well tones muscle
Should be 'well-toned'
The delay was of my own making my good man.
Not entirely sure if you know about this, since I keep finding this issue but I'll say it just in case. Whenever you're writing something and mentioned someone's name in dialogue, you should put a comma before said name. Ex: "How do you do, fellow guy?" Or "That's super cool, Nathan." The only time you don't put a comma between a name is if you introducing them. Ex: "This is Mikey." or "My name is Faye."
With that we began a series of duels but not in the manner I had expected!
Oh and also this. If you have something preceding a subject and verb, you put a comma before the subject. Ex: 'After this, he put it down.' or 'With everything that's happened, he should...' etcetera etcetera.

Anyway, sorry for the wait and I hope you have a great day. Thanks for the fun chapters!
 
Chapter 5 - Part 2: Encryption of The Future New

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Partners
  1. doduo
Chapter 5 - Part 2: Encryption of The Future

And with that, my third duel with Axel resulted in yet another loss on my part!

Axel continued immediately from where he left off. "So I don't want us to run out of time, but I ask that you believe me that I am Axel and that our foe returns every hundred years. You can think of what I am currently doing as possessing Queen, but it will not hurt her and the only way it will affect her is that her memory of me being here and the events that happened while I am here will be gone.

"I don't like taking away the will of someone else without their knowledge or permission. I truly wish I could apologize to Queen!" Axel said with tears forming in his eyes.

I nodded. "I am choosing to believe you at least for now. Please continue."

(49)

Axel brought both hands together under his chin. "Thank you!! Ok so, the stone murals in these ruins are mysterious in origin but always come from the high priest of the Third Eye which can be a man or woman. This high priest has an uncanny connection to our nexus separate from the Progenitor but it is a connection that can only be used to glimpse into our future or to obtain information from outside of our world. Even I don't know everything about the murals. You should seek out the high priest to learn more. I can tell you what little else I know though. The significance of Lugia, for example."

I nodded.

"You see, the Lugia card does, in fact, exist. It is the property of our foe and the instrument of his ultimate goal. Lugia is not meant to be here. Neither in our world, nor the original world line. Due to this reason, the card has its own connection to the nexus. Through this connection, if it interacts with the Progenitor, it can become any card. I don't mean any card from our world. I mean any card in the Pokemon Trading Card Game. Any card from our nexus!"

At this revelation, I began to realize the implications.

Axel held up a hand with his palm up as if he were holding a small ball in it. "Those shadowy cards behind the foe in the mural showing the duel below the colorless energy symbol? They represent all the things Lugia could become. The symbol is colorless because Lugia itself is colorless. At least, the version we have here in our world is. If what Lugia could become has a limitation, I believe it would have to be a card already inside our nexus, which is immense!"

My thoughts began wondering at the possibilities.

Axel crossed his arms. "The Lugia card also has an additional function: it acts as a key to the door of the sealed fortress that I have been locked away in with the other Ghostmasters! It is able to function as a key only because it is a unique card. The only unique card to currently exist, in fact! Finding it is impossible though. Our foe keeps it close at all times and would never willingly part with it. I'm sure he also hides it well. Before the end of our last battle, the foe used Lugia to seal himself inside the our fort in an attempt to prevent us from disrupting his plans again in the future. Before the door could close, he tossed the Lugia card outside for a member of his cult to carry away."

My jaw dropped. "My word! That's even more insane than the things Doduo does! And you say there is a cult involved?"

"Doduo huh..." He turned away deep in thought.

TCG2_Queen_Loss.png


"Erm, yes? But what has you distracted by those bumbling birds?"

Axel then snapped himself out of it and looked up at me. "Sorry... every time I think of Doduo, I can't help but think of one of the times we were unable to completely stop the foe. I believe Doduo was an experiment he had in tampering with our reality. Ever since then, the only actual Pokemon to inhabit our world has been Doduo."

"What?? Those birds didn't used to be here at all??"

"Yeah...," he mentioned with a look of shame while averting his eyes.

TCG2_Queen_Loss.png


He then looked back towards me. "Can't slow down though. Regarding the cult, you have a leader that returns every hundred years in a way that can easily be misconstrued as a miracle. You have his knowledge and manipulation of the Progenitor, which has god-like powers. You have the phantom card Lugia, which there is only one of in the world. There is a lack of any distinct deity or figure of worship in our world, which seems to have been the case for about a hundred years now. The foe has used his cult for hundreds of years as well as the Scions of the Deep, before they were defeated and disbanded, and he will continue in his ways unless we stop him! He doesn't tend to stick with one particular plan. All of us ghostmasters have thwarted his various plans so far to varying degrees of success."

I crossed my arms. "And yet, to such a large extent, it seems your efforts are largely unrecognized!"

Axel looked up. "Yes... well with the fortress having been sealed for so long, I'm not too surprised our deeds have faded from the public mind with time... Anyway, when he sealed us in the fort, we had not anticipated he would sacrifice the life of his host like that. Because we were unprepared, his plan succeeded. Though the high priest has powers of insight beyond our comprehension, the power is not unlimited and does not see all there is, thus we were unable to be warned."

TCG2_Queen_Loss.png


"So what happened to the foe once he was sealed in the fort? I assume he did not last long without food..."

Axel placed his hands on his hips. "The foe did pass away from this life in our fort along with the most recent hero, Mary, but death does not stop our foe and he always returns once every one hundred years. His current host is likely connected to the cult of Lugia. It likely does not operate in the open though, so I doubt it would be called the 'religion of Lugia,' for example. So, even if you could find his cult, it would be difficult to determine who in the cult our foe is. Even if we know who the foe is, we have no way of knowing where the Lugia card is kept. Thus, our only option is to create a new key. The only problem with that is all the cards in the Progenitor have already been created multiple times."

I then started to wonder if there was no way to unseal the fort!

Axel peered into my eyes. "There are none other than Lugia that can act as a key... except for one card that has never been created by the Progenitor but lies within the depths of its database... The high priest of that time disclosed it to us to be used in the time we now find ourselves in. The name of the card is 'Here Comes Team Rocket'. It is the final phantom card of our world."

(50)

I held my hands together and towards Axel with my palms up. "So then, I realize you are locked in the sealed fort but you have not starved! How are you still alive and what is the point of unlocking the fort in the first place?"

Axel looked up and to the side as if staring at something far in the distance. "We ghostmasters no longer die in the traditional sense. You can think of our current existence as ghosts. As for why you should unlock our fort, that is so that we can help prepare the final hero to defeat the foe for good this time. That final hero is you!" He turned and pointed to me.

I placed both hands upon my chest. "So you are telling me that a high priest from 1,000 years ago was able to know I was going to come about to save our world?"

Axel nodded with his eyes closed. "That is exactly it, Mr! Regarding preservation, the way you stick to a deck full of common cards is even more us than we are! What better way to keep the old cards alive than to self-impose a challenge as you do?"

TCG2_Queen_Win.png


Hearing this from Axel filled me partly with pride but also embarrassment since my original motivation for the challenge was due to lack of funds...

Axel placed a hand upon his chest. "I am ten years old even though I have been ten for 1,000 years and have not aged a single day. I've often wondered what it would feel like to experience growth beyond what I've been, but the way I inhabit others such as Queen does give me some semblance of what it would be like. Any of the ghostmasters could be here in this way but only one at a time. Due to that, and because I never got to grow up, the others always insist that it be me who goes out here. Unfortunately I never know for sure what kind of body I end up borrowing before it happens..."

Axel closed his eyes with a nervous smile.

I placed both palms on the duel table. "To live for 1,000 years as a ghost with no real body and at the age of ten? I understand why the other hero's allow you to be the one to come out here! I surely would as well!" I stood with my hands still on the table.

Axel gave himself a hug but then looked away in shame. "I wish I felt as good about accepting the privilege as everyone else does about giving it to me."

TCG2_Queen_Loss.png


"That's not to say I'm not grateful though! Thank you Mr!" Axel looked at me with tears forming in his eyes yet again.

I walked to him and placed a hand upon his back. "No need to worry, I happen to think the ability of empathy is one of the most important abilities in our world! I see no reason you would receive any negative judgment from me."

After a pause, Axel looked up. "I still need to explain how to get the key to our fort, but before that, we still need to duel again Mr!"

I walked back and took my seat again. "Very well then! Duels with you are entertaining anyway, win or lose!"

And with that, what would be our final duel began.

The duel ended. In victory!

Axel was quick to comment. "Woah Mr! That was incredible! You used up all the useful cards in your opening hand and used Gambler to replace them all! After that you got successful coin flips on two Bill's Teleporter and then played two Bills! Your hand was enormous with so much potential! Its no wonder I was unable to beat you that time! I love playing high level games like that, but its so rare for me to lose! Thanks Mr!" Axel gave me the most pure and innocent smile I had seen from him yet.

TCG2_Queen_Win.png


I smiled. "Happy to oblige and equally happy to establish a win!"

Axel dived right back into things. "OK, so now I will tell you how to get the key. Please make absolutely sure you visit! In the writing carved into the stone walls in the ruins, are the instructions for how to access the hidden function of the Progenitor to cause it to create 'Here Comes Team Rocket'. If you can't read it, you should seek out an archaeologist to help. Even if you ask the current high priest, they would be unable to read it, so they would be unable to help. Once you have the instructions, you need to find the Progenitor. Do you have any idea where it is already?"

I held a hand to my chin. "Actually... I walked by an interesting machine called the black box on the way to the ruins here. It had the ability to transform five cards into another card and then to mail that card to the one that input the cards."

Axel slapped both his palms upon the table. "YES! That is it! But why on earth are they using the Progenitor for such a lousy basic function?! UGH! Whatever! Yes, that is the Progenitor!"

I placed my hands on my hips. "Good! At least one aspect of this was simple!"

Axel looked me in the eye. "Now that we have that out of the way, the reason you need to visit the sealed fort is twofold. One: we need to train you to be the best duelist you can be! The enemy might not match our strength but the last high priest I spoke to mentioned it is essential that we train you. For that, you will need to win in a duel against each of us one time! It doesn't matter how many times you lose. The duel you won against me here doesn't count because I was not able to play at my best with the cards I had here."

I crossed my arms. "My word! If that was you holding back, how should I expect to win a duel against you for real? I suppose it will be time for me to gather rare cards to stop holding back!"

Axel waved his hand dismissively. "Don't you worry about that, Mr. You just do what you do best and struggle against seemingly impossible odds with that cool common deck of yours! Besides, the training will go better if its harder and using commons will certainly help with that!" He added with a wink.

"The second reason we need you to meet us, is to acquire the ultimate means to fight back against our foe. I don't think you are going to like it, but the high priest said that you cannot even hope prevail without it! That comes after your training though! Before that, no touching!"

(51)

Axel's eyes went big as his gaze appeared to be on nothing in particular. "Wow! I actually got through everything I needed for the plan! In that case... Mr.... can I be selfish with these last moments?" He pleaded with his hands at his chin with big doe eyes.

"Well! I would certainly think you have earned it!"

TCG2_Queen_Loss.png


Tears started forming in Axel's eyes. "Oh Mr! Its been so hard! I've been locked away with no body and can never make new friends... and... and..." He burst full on into tears while running towards me "I miss my moooom!!!! WHAAAA!!!!!"

I found him clinging fiercely to me with eyes that could probably be used in place of water energy. Poor lad. Unable to take any other course of action, I embraced him back to help him make the most of his remaining time in a body.

"There there" I said as I patted his back.

"Its ok. You're a good kid you know?"

Axel looked up at me eyes still watering and a very UN-blown nose. "Thanks so much Mr! I can feel my grip here fading though... I can't wait to see you again!"

After a duel in the first or 2nd game, the opponent gives a line or two of dialogue.
In the game, there is a sealed fortress that you cannot access on the initial story run. To access it in the game you need to win a duel with the king again and he unlocks it for you. Inside are several additional post-game opponents known as ghostmasters! To duel them, you approach a statue that looks like the one you want to duel and select to agree to the duel. They have the most powerful decks for the AI in the game and they are basically without any backstory at all! Axel is one of those Ghostmasters who uses a Wigglytuff deck which is based on one of the most powerful pvp decks in the old metagame. Axel also cries immensely when defeated in a duel. If you lose to him, he comments that it is "only natural".
In the games there are various NPCs that don't have specific names. These characters are never duelists and typically only have dialogue you can read when talking to them. I forget if they can do anything more than that. I think some can trade you cards in the game. This story assumes that they never trade cards.
 
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133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Partners
  1. doduo
Hello, here's the review of Chp 3 and 4. Sorry if it's a little late.
No worries and thanks for getting a review in for 2 chapters! :veelove:

Summary of Chp 3:

So Mr Nameless finds a note inviting him to GR island and this time, he's a lot more inclined to visit that place since y'know, no kidnapping.

He gets there, meets the king and after learning about this card dungeon thingy, he was immediately introduced to the horror that is gambling and understandably he was horrified.

After that, he meets the queen and learns that this dungeon thingy is apparently like chess or something.

Summary of Chp 4:

Mr Nameless talks to Pawn and asks to see the murals in which Pawn gives him a tour. And after a bunch of history stuff about the past heroes, we get some hints about Mr Nameless possibly being the next hero. After that, he beats Pawn, meets Knight and bears him too before meeting up with the Queen.
In a nutshell!

Chapter 3 Review:

It was a fun read. I can certainly notice the improvement compared to the previous three chapters.
Thanks! This is when I started taking more creative liberties with things and wasn't following a strict gameplay route.

I don't think I have much I want to say here. The characters were fun, the receptionist especially was funny and I liked the gambling scene, kinda goofy that it took 'em this long to invent gambling but it's funny enough to imagine that the world would've been a lot happier if Bill wasn't such a greedy corpa guy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the characters and that won't be the last time you see the receptionist either. :mewlulz:

Yeah! Down with the capitalistic scum of Bill! :screm:

The only real complaint I do have is Imakumi. Not his character per se, just his dialogue being kinda wonky. It kinda sticks out when compared to everyone else and I don't know, I just kinda hate it. I've put in more details about him in my line-by-line comments and I kinda don't wanna repeat myself so you can find it there.
You are super spot-on about Imakuni. I just took his in-game dialogue almost verbatim and inserted it right in. I think you are right that I could do a lot more with this.

Hah! Done! I didn't add very much to it, but it should be an improvement over what it was before.

Anyway, yeah it was nice chapter. I'm gotta head on to Chp 4 now.
Glad it went well!

Chp 4 Review:

So this chapter was rather interesting, learning about the history of the past heroes and stuff like that.
The vast majority of the details in this chapter were things I invented for the story. I'm very glad to hear it!

Really weird implications of the world's current technology though. 'cause the exposition kinda makes it feel like the world is stagnate because people are too scared to advance their tech because they don't wanna destroy the world or something shit. Which is like super weird though because the world so far feels like it's like our modern era except a tinsy bit more advanced. I don't know. It really feels like the exposition is trying to tell me that the world is sorta in the medieval era or industrial revolution era but that obviously can't be true because of y'know, phones and stuff.
So, technology in their world HAS stagnated. The ancient past actually has levels of technology beyond what they currently have in their world. They still have higher levels of technology than we do though.

Anyway, aside from that. The history was nice to read through, I like seeing all the different heroes and how Mr Nameless is likely gonna be the next one.
I'm glad I was able to make the history/worldbuilding/lore interesting. It sets up massively for things concerning the remainder of the fic.

Lugia being possibly the next bad guy is super weird though but I'm guessing that's more of a game thing since I assume when they made the game, they had no idea what to do with Legendaries.
Lugia being ominous was entirely my idea. You will learn more about Lugia's involvement in things very soon... in the next chapter, in fact.

But I do have a tiny complaint and it's the exposition itself. While dedicating a chapter to just talking about the world's history isn't bad per se, since I did enjoy it. I'm not entirely sure other people will enjoy just reading through what's essentially a history book with barely anything in between. Like I'll be honest and say I did kinda nod off when reading halfway through the exposition.
Yeah... dealing with the amount of exposition was a big struggle for me in this section of the fic. Unfortunately the next chapter (which I split into 2 in order to help preserve reader sanity) continues this trend. I've done several things already to make them easier reads, but not matter what I do, it's very difficult to completely overcome the massive dump of exposition.

I'm not too sure what I would realistically add in between.

I'm not particularly good at writing exposition myself but I can give some advice on making it more palatable. One being cut down the fluff, no need for more words than necessary,
I've already made some cuts to wording, but maybe there are ways I can try to cut it further. I'll see what I can do.

split the sections up into several smaller parts,
This I can probably try to do more of. The fact that you are bringing it up means I should try to break things up more than I already have.

maybe add some more interactions between Pawn and Mr Nameless
I'll see if there is anything I can do here, but I'm not too optimistic on this idea...

or add more of Mr Nameless's thoughts on the matter.
This might be easy to do.

You could even just have a part of the history lesson be said before skipping past them and bringing it up later. Because it felt like the story kinda just stopped for a moment just to dump all of the history onto me before continuing.
Yeah... its a bit odd on the pacing. I can't think of a way it would make sense to bring these things up later though, so its probably all going to stay in this chapter.

Though it's probably better if you watch a video about learning how to dump exposition since I'm not super good at explaining things myself. So take what I said with a grain of salt.
Perhaps. I don't mind getting ideas from reviews for editing though. Even small gradual improvements over time are fine with me. Less to do all at once that way.

Now let's head on to my line-by-line comments:

Chp 3:


While not grammatically wrong I think 'when you were last here' reads better here
Sure, why not? Edited.

Lol, pretzel bakeries? So not only do these bakeries sell just pretzels but there are also several of them? Damn, maybe I should try a pretzel or something if it's this popular
I don't know, while I was writing it, I just named the first random snack that came to mind for what the Undersiders fed the gentleman. Ever since then, I decided that GR Island takes it's pretzels seriously lol...

I feel like replacing 'expected' with 'thought' or 'believed' would flow better here

Missing a comma between these
Suggestions taken. Thanks!

And they're sure they tried their all in solving this conundrum 'cause I feel like just replacing the doors for gates would work better unless like the daycare's similar to a kid's daycare or something instead of a barn
Its like a kid's daycare. If they put gates that you push to get through, the Doduo's would probably play with the gate and break it.

Shouldn't it be dropping more feathers during molting season or am I looking at this wrong?
Ok I clarified some. The gentleman's Doduo doesn't seem to be losing many feathers lately and has been keen on improving or maintaining it's appearance. The other Doduo at the daycare seem to be losing feathers with reckless abandon and paying no mind to their appearances.

That's one ugly mofo.
Sure is!
:ROFLMAO:

Needs punctuation here.

So I'll be straight, Imakumi's dialogue feels very flat and I'm not sure if it's intentional but it's very game-y and unnatural like Mr Nameless just found a IRL npc or something. Having Imakumi perform some actions or have his dialogue fixed up would probably make him a lot easier to read. As it really does feel like he's reading off a script.
Yep you caught me. Per section above, I think I fixed it now (or close enough).

A random 'but' snuck in here

Dialogue needs punctuation here

Tag needs punctuation
Fixed! Thanks!

Ooh, I like her
Me too. That's why this won't be her last scene. 😁

Needs a comma between these

Should be treaded

Missing an apostrophe

Need a comma between these.

Tag needs punctuation

A bit redundant to have two 'have verb' here, you should remove one so it's either 'i would have loved to play' or 'I would love to have played'

A space got eaten here and dialogue needs punctuation

Either missing an apostrophe or it should be 'family records'. Depends on if it has multiple families or just the one

Tag needs punctuation. Also gotta capitalize the dialogue.


Missing an apostrophe

'Said' shouldn't be capitalized here

Wrong punctuation here. Should be a period
Fixed thanks!

Massive wall of dialogue here. I think it's best if you either cut down some stuff or split them up with some movement or action tags since my first reaction to seeing was 'Geez, that's a lot'
I reworked it a bit to split it up. Thanks for mentioning it!

Missing an apostrophe

Needs a comma between these
Done!

Chp 4

Think you got an extra painted slipped in there unless you're saying someone used a stone to paint the murals?

Should be 'folks'

An extra period at the end there
Fixed. Thanks!

Imagine if the 'expert' is Bill. GR King be singlehandedly bringing Bill's company back from bankruptcy, bro.
:mewlulz:

Should have a comma between these

Should capitalize this
Fixed! Man you have a great eye for picking all these things out! :wowzard:

Lol, so the whole world's Europe?
The bubonic plague was an obvious inspiration for this part, yes.

Wrong form of "you're" and "it's"

Should be 'poorer'

billionaires'
Fixed!

Also true AF, Mr Nameless
:okgon:

Again, "it's"
Fixed!

'Lugia also wanted to' flows better here
Yep, I agree. Edited!

Should be "it's"

Should be 'well-toned'
Fixed!

Not entirely sure if you know about this, since I keep finding this issue but I'll say it just in case. Whenever you're writing something and mentioned someone's name in dialogue, you should put a comma before said name. Ex: "How do you do, fellow guy?" Or "That's super cool, Nathan." The only time you don't put a comma between a name is if you introducing them. Ex: "This is Mikey." or "My name is Faye."
I do know this, but I'm really really bad at catching it... 😅

Thanks for pointing it out!

Oh and also this. If you have something preceding a subject and verb, you put a comma before the subject. Ex: 'After this, he put it down.' or 'With everything that's happened, he should...' etcetera etcetera.
I always feel like I do such a great job editing... until someone else reads and finds things lol...

I am aware of this too, but appreciate you looking out for me on it! Another thing I can't seem to catch nearly often enough...
Anyway, sorry for the wait and I hope you have a great day. Thanks for the fun chapters!
I hope the next chapter goes ok... I think I might want to try editing it more before you read it. I already split it into two separate parts to try to help. I think I need to break the dialogue up more though. You wouldn't believe what it looked like in its original form BEFORE I did all the edits I did so far! I'm glad you seem to be able to deal with exposition... 😅
 
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matt0044

Junior Trainer
Pronouns
He/Him
I have seen Chapter 1's changes and I will say that I like the additions you've made in terms of worldbuilding along with Billy's questions. Like it comes off as an aristocrat who's use to the world as it is and won't question a status quo that benefits him. The Mission Reports also give a good impression of the antagonist the come. While I might've "fallen off" this story due to my card game blindness, I did want to remark upon the changes.
 

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Partners
  1. doduo
I have seen Chapter 1's changes and I will say that I like the additions you've made in terms of worldbuilding along with Billy's questions. Like it comes off as an aristocrat who's use to the world as it is and won't question a status quo that benefits him. The Mission Reports also give a good impression of the antagonist the come. While I might've "fallen off" this story due to my card game blindness, I did want to remark upon the changes.
Wow hey Matt! Glad to see you pop in!

Card game blindness shouldn't matter too terribly much for the fic. I think you could enjoy it much more than you are thinking you might.

I'm glad the changes are to your liking so far!

I'm also working on a total overhaul revamp to my prologue which will split it into multiple parts (separate posts, chapters essentially). I'd definitely love some feedback on that at some point. Prologue revamp is not complete yet. It's not quite halfway done yet I think. I've only been working on it a week so far though and I haven't been dedicating 100% of my time to it, so it takes some time.
 
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