The White Elephant in the Room Playground

[unrepentantAuthor]

Jesse blinked at the kid's formal and articulate rejection of that psychic motherfucker's bad vibes. Sounded like terms and conditions, fuckin' lawyer-speak. Gods. What the fuck. Who was this fucking kid?

"Parties, huh? Uh, I don't really go to parties so much, kid. I don't rightly know why this Committee of yers would've approached me about a party."

Shit, he could really use a drink right about now.

"Say, Squirt, would ya happen to know if there's any liquor in this place? Wait, that's not important. Look, how about you tell me where you're from? Y'ain't an ordinary squirtle, seems like."

 

[Tanuki]

Say, Squirt, would ya happen to know if there's any liquor in this place?

“Lick her? That sounds like something my dad tells me not to drink,” Squirt mumbled. “If it’s something you think you want, it’s probably in the rental shop or the stores within the ski-lift house.”

He sighed, mumbling again to himself. “Of course, the you here never told them what you want. But the yous most similar to you, an amount as infinite as the multiverse, would have inevitably requested the same accommodations.”

Squirt snapped his finger like he’d just solved a puzzle. “You both did and did not tell them your wants and desires! You did not have to express your wants in a way that ensures they take care of your deepest, bare needs.”

Squirt rubbed at his chin, really worried he wasn’t explaining this right. “It’s kind of like this game chess. A company called Nintendo invented it in the early nineteen eighties. But, because the results of the game are finite, meaning there is a discrete integer of possible moves, minds and machines privy to that knowledge had a constant, irrevocable advantage to the game.”

He sat down to continue Metal Gear. “The Committee, being interdimensional, has that same data pool. Instead of playing the game up to checkmate, however, they simulate the process until you replace the you that for the final move!”

He pumped a fist in the air, goofy smile of victory. “Except, instead of losing a game from the eighties, you win the funnest party you can imagine!”

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Well, that all fucking tracked well enough, and the upside of this fucking situation was maybe Jesse would actually get to enjoy himself for five minutes if he could turn his fucking brain off long enough. Drinks would help with that. Maybe if he couldn't read minds here, he also wouldn't broadcast his thoughts? Sure seemed like the mewtwo was broadcasting plenty strong, though.

Still the kid wouldn't answer questions about himself. Fine, Jesse would try again later when he had less of a headache.

"Thanks, Squirt. Makes enough sense to me."

Made sense, but was existentially disturbing. Whatever. Drinks would fix that feeling too.

Now that the panic was starting to ebb, anger was rising. Jesse stepped out of the living room and into the storehouse for some bottles of the good stuff. He wasn't ready to try entering 'his' room yet. He didn't fucking know what would be in there. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

 

[IFBench]

All that I would want as reimbursement? ...Would I be able to go home after this? Gen thought.

He smiled slightly. "Uh, w-well, nice to meet you all," he said. "My name is Gen."

 

[DawningWinds]

As all the of this was going on, Nilam was simultaneously trying to keep up with the conversation and decide whether or not they need to keep the iPod they were temporarily inhabiting plugged in. Aside from connecting to their phone's voice function through Bluetooth, they hadn't really figured out how to easily navigate any of the iPod's limited capabilities, and that most certainly included the user manual. Was there even user manual? If there was, was it programed into the iPod?

“Whoah!” Squirt shouted as he hopped up, abandoning his controller and the game. “A robopod? I’ve never met someone like you before! You were in that phone?”Squirt went to look at the phone, clearly debating in his head if touching it would invade Nilam’s privacy.

"Yup!" Nilam's uninhabited phone said. "It's a pretty standard rotom thing."

"I can think of a lot of ways to enjoy company," Darkwhite said, prodding at the couch for something invisible. Then, she disappeared, reappearing a few seconds later with some snacks and finger foods. "Like this! Who doesn't like food?"

"...Uh, me, unfortunately," the rotom answered. "Rotom don't exactly have digestive systems, so food tends to disagree with me. Especially when I'm in the phone. And probably this iPod, too." They paused. "But I'm glad to participate in the enjoying of each other's company through any means that do not involve food!"

He sighed, mumbling again to himself. “Of course, the you here never told them what you want. But the yous most similar to you, an amount as infinite as the multiverse, would have inevitably requested the same accommodations.”

Squirt snapped his finger like he’d just solved a puzzle. “You both did and did not tell them your wants and desires! You did not have to express your wants in a way that ensures they take care of your deepest, bare needs.”

Squirt rubbed at his chin, really worried he wasn’t explaining this right. “It’s kind of like this game chess. A company called Nintendo invented it in the early nineteen eighties. But, because the results of the game are finite, meaning there is a discrete integer of possible moves, minds and machines privy to that knowledge had a constant, irrevocable advantage to the game.”

He sat down to continue Metal Gear. “The Committee, being interdimensional, has that same data pool. Instead of playing the game up to checkmate, however, they simulate the process until you replace the you that for the final move!”

He pumped a fist in the air, goofy smile of victory. “Except, instead of losing a game from the eighties, you win the funnest party you can imagine!”

"Okay, the only part of that I really got was 'funnest party you can imagine'," Nilam admitted. "But I think that's the only thing that's really important! So! Party!" Nilam had never actually been to a party before, but they thought they understood the basic idea of how it worked. That was all that was really important, right?

 

[Fusion]

Lee didn't realize he was stuffing his face full of snacks until he tried to say something and nearly choked on a clump of cheese and crackers. He'd be ashamed if he gave a shit. By the time he got the food down, he already for got what he was going to say.

A sudden thirst overcame Lee. It was a shame he'd have to make an effort to get something to drink, so when he left to get some things, he got way more than he would reasonably need. Alcohol, obviously, but even some juices and waters and other liquids someone could probably drink without dying. He didn't care if anyone else got anything he brought, but it would probably help him get through this. If everyone's all chummy, there won't be much in the way of the imminent investigation.

"I didn't care what anyone wanted, so I got anything I could find. Just a warning, anyone that blacks out isn't getting any help from me," Lee said, placing all the drinks on a conveniently sized table.

 

[Tanuki]

“My name is Gen."

Squirt smiled from the snack circle, beckoning Gen with a shrimp holding hand. “Cool name! What’s it short for?”

"Rotom don't exactly have digestive systems, so food tends to disagree with me. Especially when I'm in the phone. And probably this iPod, too."

“Huh?” Squirt raised a brow. “What do

Lee said, placing all the drinks on a conveniently sized table.

Squirt had no idea what he was looking at, but he saw an orange drink that said cinnamon it and had all the information he needed. “Whoah, is this like liquid candy?” He shot to the bar, barely too weak to open the bottle. “What’s it do to make you black out?” he asked between attempts to open the bottle.

Fine, Jesse would try again later when he had less of a headache.

A cold wind penetrated the cozy cabin. The clear, sunless sky lost its shimmer, clouds coming to make it dimmer. “Aw, already?” Squirt whined. “But we just got here!”

He tried one last time at the bottle before turning to the party to explain. “It gets really stormy out at night. Since Palkia put the outside inside, it gets hit by the storm. Only our rooms are isolated. Your room’s only isolated to you, though. I overheard them say it was to stop anyone sleeping with me.”

He shrugged in bemusement and shook his head. “I don’t know what the problem there is, since this is a sleepover after all, but maybe that was just Palkia’s excuse.”

Pattering precipitation punctuated his point, hail and snow sizzling into the fireplace’s heat. “No rush, though!” He turned back to the bottle, analyzing it closely. “All you’ve gotta do is want to walk into your room, take a step, and you’re in there.”

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Jesse returned with some bottles of spirits, in which he was already making a dent. Fuck, that was better.

"So," he said to the room in general. "Guess we got ourselves a fuckin' party to have. Howdy y'all, I'm Jesse, and maybe the rest of you fine people have similarly scarce supposition to myself about why we mighta been selected by this 'committee', maybe some of you have some idea. Either way, if anybody finds anythin' out that could help resolve these shenanigans, I'd love to hear it."

 

[Tanuki]

The snow, wind, rain and hail fell and fell harder and harder into the cabin, but everyone’s room remained untouched. Traversal was just as simple as Squirt had described. Noci even abandoned her shelter behind the outwardly identical presents for a cozy place she could swear was her home. Minus one crucial object.

One black present, identical to the one she hadn’t wrapped, yet remembered wrapping, followed her into her room. Indeed, one followed every guest of the house into their rooms.

The storm raged and built stronger and stronger. It seemed the three magical beast claimed the sky as their battlegrounds for war over the night. Yet no legendary, god, or creature of any kind could have faced such a storm, nor traverse it.

Yet, off in the distance, perhaps a trick of the eye, a bright red light flashed.

 

[Tanuki]

Up on the rooftop, time did stop:
From the sky, a sleigh did drop.
Rosy red cheeks and a bright red suit,
Is the point of this party moot?
Down through the chimney, across the floor,
Came four presents, then eight more.
Naughty or nice, no soul could know,
Not until the day of pure white snow.
Just as Saint Nick came, he left,
And soon the storm returned with heft.
If they noticed, no one stirred:
Claus returned and no one heard.

 

[Tanuki]

A blinding light engulfs the mountain. Right before the sun rose (well, there was no sun to rise, but), before any rational creature would wake, the blast shook everyone out of their stupor. What could it be? Where did it come from?

It didn't take much to find the source. In the very same living room they'd previously met in laid thirteen presents, one more opened. A red scarf and hat held the present's tag down.

From: Santa
To: Squirt
Don't open 'til Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!

While the wrapping paper lay in shambles and Metal Gear Solid 2 lay in the present box, the television turned itself on. A pre-recorded message like the last one began to play, though this voice sounded suspiciously like the type that would try to steal some Declaration of Independence. "Good morning, valued guests. As you're well aware, Santa has paid your cottage a visit. It's time we let you know the real deal.

"You see, our interdimensional analysis showed some among you to be the most likely to have killed Santa Claus. The very Santa of Squirt's world. You tried to ruin his Christmas, and much paperwork has been filed to clean up your mess. Therefore, we've gathered you all here to serve two purposes. First, the one you are all already aware of, and that's to give Squirt the happiest holiday he can have.

"We didn't pick just any child, though. No, Squirt is a well trained agent of the Interdimensional Holiday Committee. One of our very best. He is here to observe the results of this simulation and find the Grinch (or Grinches, or Grinchettes (though that last one's not very necessary since Grinch is hardly a gendered term—many grinch are women or even non-binary)) among you." No wind dared disturb Special Agent Squirt's scarf.

"Of course," the voice continued, "we did need to give Squirt a joyous holiday season. So, some of you really are only the very best partiers the multiverse has to offer, and you're under no suspicion. Please resume as you were and give Squirt the great time he deserves. Don't let his youth fool you, though. He's very capable."

Twelve unopened presents, one addressed to everyone in the room, all with the exact same warning as Squirt's. "Don't open 'til Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!" A yet unseen tree held a partridge, singing and feasting on the many pears among the branches.

 

[Tanuki]

Anyone excited to show off their new present found that their present was visible only to them. They couldn't even see the present they themselves didn't remember packing. Only the present they'd received last night.

One present, though, everyone could see. The tag spoke for itself. "To: Everyone! From: Squirt! Thanks so much for spending Christmas with me! I can't wait for all the fun we're gonna have!" The black box remained unopened.

 

[Chibi Pika]

Without warning, the floor in the center of the room dissolved, twisting into a shapeless mass. From within, a giant spectral dragon emerged as though swimming through the air, radiant gemstones gleaming from its shoulders.

"Sorry I'm late, I was busy trying to come up with an excuse for being late!" the dragon boomed cheerfully. Heaving with exaggerated effort, it tugged on something still within the portal's grasp, finally yanking out a bright red sack, which crashed to the floor with a heavy thud. The portal vanished.

"Looking forward to the party of course--it's not often I get to socialize with mortals. And I received the most delightful gift, I really must thank whoever gave it to me..." Palkia plunged its arm into the bag, reaching far deeper than the space within the bag ought to have allowed. Finally, its eyes lit up as it seemingly found what it was looking for, and it triumphantly pulled its arm out to reveal... nothing. Palkia tilted its head at the apparent bewilderment of its audience, then gazed at its empty claw with a look of amusement.

"Ah, right. You can't see what I'm holding, can you? Just like I can't see what any of you got in your presents." The dragon grinned darkly, eyes flashing red for a moment. "It's really quite remarkable how our host set all this up. Normally it would be quite trivial for me to reach into the threads of timespace to find whatever I like. But here... I suppose I have no choice but to play by the rules. How... interesting."

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

So the kid was no ordinary squirtle. And... a deity was present. And this was a simulation to investigate a transdimensional murder. Or else a fever dream, that was still looking pretty likely.

Well clearly the fucking palkia was the obvious suspect. It wasn't as if Jesse could go around stepping between realities, killing mythical beings. Maybe some of the other 'partygoers' had extraordinary means of travel among their abilities. The mewtwo, perhaps. Although... Jesse had travelled between realities to get from his home plane to Sierra's world. Did they suspect him? Gods. Fuck.

He sipped at a whiskey, figuring that he may as well start now given the circumstances.

"Good fuckin' mornin' to y'all," he drawled, dropping the effort of not swearing since Squirt was apparently a working professional. "Hope you assholes slept better than I did. So how about we open this gift meant for our collective selves, huh?"

Jesse went to the black box signed by Squirt, intending to open it.

 

[Namohysip]

Darkwhite floated just over Jesse's shoulder and bit at the tufts of fur on his left ear. This was probably how she got that other hairball...

 

[Tanuki]

Jesse went to the black box signed by Squirt, intending to open it.

Within the box laid a sleek, brand new WiiU. Along with the console came numerous games. The little Squirt must have sacrificed many an allowance for this gift. He probably thought it would be worth it in the end when he got to play with all his new friends.

 

[IFBench]

Gen yelped as he saw the Sinnohian legend manifest, clutching tightly onto his reunion cape.

He was already terrified once he had learned that there was a murderer among them, and now there was the legendary of space themself here, too?!

At least he'd be able to finally go home once this is all over. ...right?

Until then, he just had to try his best to celebrate with Squirt and not panic over the fact that there was a killer here.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Darkwhite floated just over Jesse's shoulder and bit at the tufts of fur on his left ear. This was probably how she got that other hairball...

Jesse shooed away the little shit nipping at his ear.

"Darlin', I'm flattered, but I'm a married man," he quipped.

Within the box laid a sleek, brand new WiiU.

"Anyone here familiar with these doohickeys?" he asked, hopefully. Maybe someone would set the damn thing up, see what came of it.

 

[IFBench]

Gen was all too familiar with the console, but kept his mouth shut, more focused on the terrifying reality of the situation.

 

[Persephone]

Alarm Lvl 10: Killer possessing capabilities, intent to kill humans present

Durability of Unit001_101110110 > Durability UnitDesignate_Santa

Primary Assignment: Observe UnitDesignate_Cuicatl_Ichtaca Interrupted

Highest Priority: Complete Tasks Requisite to Resume Primary Assignment

Temporary Assignment: Apply Condition "HolidayCheer" to UnitDesignate_Squirt

Accessing Databanks: HolidayCheer, Holiday, Cheer

Options
[] Evasive Manuevers
[] Initiate Ramming
[] No Action

[x] Initiate Ramming

Nocitlālin rushed towards UnitDesignate_Squirt in order to apply localized heat. Proximity and heat helped UnitDesignate_Cuciatl_Ichtaca sort through her error reports. This was the most efficient way to provide comfort to UnitDesignate_Squirt, complete the secondary assignment, and return home.