Pokémon The Hero of Another Story

[AbraPunk]

Spoiler: Overall content warnings

Content warnings for blood, gore, and death. (Also strong language if you're bothered by that.)

Spoiler: Chapter content warnings

Same as the overall content warnings.

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

Its smallest town, Wedgehurst, was no different. Although there were no League matches to be held there, and not much in the way of Pokémon, most living in the region held it in regards as a great "first town". It was sparsely populated, as most had gone off on their Pokémon journeys.

Some hung around; mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers.

However, there were yet others...

◇ ◇ ◇

In a house a bit farther away from the main portion of the town…

A Pokémon trainer sat on a couch, dozing off, while his team were out of their pokeballs and spread out across the main room.

"Er, if I may ask… should we move somewhere more private?" A Girafarig asked softly as he glanced over at a fight happening between a Gliscor and Toxicroak.

"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly. "As a matter of fact, I quite like the spot we are in now."

"...Okay."

There was a loud THUD as the Gliscor slammed the Toxicroak's head into a wall.

"Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.

The Gliscor, Markab, immediately tensed upon hearing his name called. "What?" He called in a quavery voice.

"You know what."

Markab laughed nervously. "Hehe… that was nothing, me an' froggy here was just messin' around," He nudged the dazed Toxicroak with a pincer. "Right?"

The Toxicroak dislodged his head from the hole in the wall. "Ugh, bastard! The hell did we tell ya 'bout roughhousing the rest of us?!"

The Gliscor did his best approximation of a shrug. "I dunno, what?"

"Don't do it, you bloody twat!" The Toxicroak yelled as he swatted at Markab.

The Gliscor smirked and glided out of reach. "Nyeh, piss off with all that, yeah? Ain't no fun when you can't even show everyone who's da boss 'round here."

The Venusaur glared at Markab, vines hanging in the air. "You'd best hope you're referring to me when you say 'da boss'."

"Nyeh heh... o' course."

The Girafarig exchanged a glance with the Garchomp as the two of them watched this confrontation.

"I told you."

"Ah, fret not. 'Tis a trivial matter, and it shall be resolved shortly."

"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.

"What are you guys talking about?" A snide Luxray said as he came over to the two, glancing between them.

"Oh, n-nothing."

The Luxray hissed and said, "I wasn't born yesterday, you know. You're not talking about nothing. That's impossible. So, come on, spit it out."

The Garchomp narrowed his eyes and glared at the Luxray. "What we discuss is none of your business. I should think that you would know such a thing, especially considering you've been part of this team for such a long time."

"Who asked you, scales?"

The Garchomp snarled and fully turned towards the Luxray, ready to pounce. The Girafarig put a hoof on the Garchomp's leg.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

The Luxray laughed mockingly. "Ah, the big dragon needs his boyfriend around to keep him in check."

Antares kept glaring at the Luxray.

The Girafarig took his hoof off of Antares's leg and shakily said, "N-No, that's… we're not together."

"Ha, sure you're not. I bet you're just saying that so-- hrk!" The Luxray's sentence was cut off as a thick vine came and wrapped itself around his neck.

"Vega. Leave them alone." The Venusaur rumbled as his vine dragged the Luxray away from the Girafarig and Antares.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.

Antares glanced over at the Girafarig. "My apologies for the interruption."

"Huh? I don't know why you're apologizing, but… okay." He sighed as he glanced around the room, and gasped once he saw the clock. "Oh! It's almost time, let me wake up our trainer…"

He walked slowly over to the sleeping trainer and nudged him. The trainer jolted awake, looking around before his gaze settled on Girafarig. He heaved out a sigh. "Damn, scared me. Thanks, Graffias." He chuckled as he patted the giraffe on the head.

He stretched and announced, "Alright, guys, today's gonna be easy. We're just doing some training later. Got that?"

His team each affirmed.

"Awesome. So, let's, uh…" He faltered as his gaze landed on the hole in the wall.

Markab pushed himself away from the Toxicroak, glancing off to the side.

"Heh, guess you guys were too worked up, huh?" He shrugged as he stood. "Polaris, you need some healing, or are you good?"

Polaris, the Toxicroak, shook his head. "Nah."

"Cool. Uh, what else… hey, Regulus, can you get the remote? Wanna see what's up with the rest of the region."

The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, managing to press the power button as well.

The television turned on to show a news report about a legendary Pokémon being spotted in Wyndon.

It showed a crowd of people around the exterior of Wyndon Stadium. Champion Leon and his prized Charizard were there, too, waving to the crowd. Leon beckoned the legendary pokemon to come forward.

A stag-like pokemon strode into frame, each step measured and precise. It possessed an air of regality that demanded awe and respect.

The trainer gasped and said, "Cobalion! Dude, that's awesome…" and then fell into awed silence as he continued watching the news report.

Antares wasn't paying attention to it, though, because on the news ticker, there was something horrible.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}

He turned to Graffias, whose eyes were firmly locked on the ticker headline. The giraffe was trembling as he kept looking.

Antares looked for anything else, but that was the only headline. It kept repeating. Over and over.

He finally looked back up to the news report, and saw that the Champion was trying to talk to Cobalion.

It seemed to be going well, though Antares knew it was a one-way conversation. Humans did not understand Pokémon. They never did.

But despite that, Leon talked, on and on, about the region and the culture and…

Cobalion said five words. "Silence. Humanity's end has come."

Antares shook as he quickly glanced around at the rest of the team.

Regulus grumbled "What.", while Vega's and Markab's jaws dropped. Polaris twisted his face in confusion; and Graffias…

Graffias was as still as a Zen Darmanitan, eyes wide and watery. "No…"

The trainer, however, remained oblivious.

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

"Oh, shit!"

The camera remained where it was, though, likely as a result of the cameraman running off without it.

As a result, the broadcast still showed the following moments.

Leon's Charizard roared in fury and grief, before spewing a massive stream of flames from its maw.

Cobalion was unfazed, though, and galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach, getting drenched in blood, then slashing to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.

Antares tore his gaze away from the screen. He slowly turned to look at everyone else.

Most everyone was frozen in shock. Graffias, though, was staring at the wall, trembling.

The giraffe suddenly whipped his head around, a terrified light in his eyes. "E-Everyone stay where you are!" He galloped over to where everyone else was gathered, and concentrated Psychic energy into manifesting a large barrier around the group.

Seconds later, the entire world seemed to quake, as a deep rumbling filled the silent air. Antares stumbled briefly under the intensity of the ground's shuddering, but quickly righted himself. He could distantly hear the sounds of various objects crashing to the floor as the earthquake continued.

Then it was over as abruptly as it had begun. Silence once again. Almost everyone remained exactly where they were, still too stunned from the murders they had seen to do much of anything else.

Graffias just shook his head, eyes wide. "That wasn't it."

There was only the faintest woosh of air, then everything around the barrier was blown away in a massive explosion, flames consuming whatever had remained standing.

It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

The mythical dragon's flight path abruptly changed course, so that it was now heading straight towards the group.

Graffias whimpered, and squeaked out in a trembling voice, "M-My barrier won't be able to protect us from anything else… we're gonna have to run."

Antares stared at the white dragon of myth as it rapidly descended from the skies. He was only vaguely aware of Regulus trying his best to relay what was going on to the trainer.

Then came Graffias' slightly less shaky voice, "O-Okay… one… two… run!"

On his word, everyone scattered, getting out of the destroyed house however they could. Antares settled for simply flying over the rubble.

Everyone regrouped just outside, only seconds before Reshiram itself landed in front of them, shaking the earth to its core upon impact.

"...Abandon your 'trainer', and you all shall be spared."

Silence... for only a few moments.

Markab spat on the floor before saying, "Th'fuck you just say to us?! Y'think we're fuckin' fools, eh? We ain't leavin' Zach here, no fuckin' way in hell."

Regulus glared at Markab, then turned an equally icy gaze to Reshiram. "Apologies for the crude language. We will not be leaving our trainer," He crouched slightly, vines hanging in the air. "And you are mistaken if you think we will surrender to you."

Reshiram's piercing blue eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Very well. Perish, then, like the mindless slaves you are."

Flames burst forth from all directions, smothering the air in smoke and darkness.

Antares could no longer see any of the sky nor sun, but was still able to see everything on the ground quite clearly. He looked around to see that everyone had scattered and were all now trying their best to fight off Reshiram.

All except Vega, who'd gone running as fast as he could. He'd almost made it to where the smoke might have cleared up when he was struck by a beam of blue-orange energy. The Luxray stopped dead in his tracks, and fell to the ground in two halves, entrails spilling out.

Antares gaped at the sight. He'd… just watched someone die. He hadn't even really considered Vega a friend, but seeing such a gruesome thing done to anyone…

Reshiram turned to Regulus next.

The Venusaur snarled as he looked up at his certain death, his vines thrashing in the air. The bulbous tips of his vines glowed purple, and both of them wrapped around one of Reshiram's legs, burrowing deep beneath her scales and fur. She roared as the toxins worked their way through her blood.

Polaris came running, leaping and stabbing his poisonous claws into the legendary Pokémon's other leg. He stayed latched on for a solid few seconds, before dramatically leaping off, doing flips in the air, leaving two holes in the legendary's leg that his poison now leaked out of. He landed next to Regulus and exhaled deeply, bouncing on his toes. "Bloody tough one, this is."

The legendary dragon stared down at them, collecting a mass of fire within her maw, before opening her mouth and spewing flames directly at the two of them. Polaris was quick enough to be able to flip out of the way. Regulus was not. He stood his ground and did not let out even a grunt as he was consumed by the flames. When the flames died down, nothing recognizable remained of the stalwart Venusaur.

Antares, deciding he'd seen two deaths too many, flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, and grabbed on to her scales, sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck, drawing out mass amounts of golden blood. The legendary Pokémon lurched, and then Antares found himself within the middle of a blazing inferno. Thankfully, he was resistant to the divine flames, thanks to his Dragon-typing.

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead. Antares was doused in her blood by now, horribly warm and sticky and disgusting. He blinked it out of his eyes, and continued his feral assault.

Elsewhere, Graffias was bombarding the legendary Pokémon with whatever he could find within the remains of burned homes. His trainer hid behind him, with Markab also nearby.

The Gliscor hissed. "I'm goin' at 'em. Don't ya try n' stop me, y'hear?"

Graffias' concentration was broken, the pink glow of Psychic energy around his horns fading away. "Wh-What?! No, you can't! You'll die!"

Markab smirked. "Heh, yeah. Ain't no better way I can go out."

Polaris ran up to the small group, panting. "Shit, we're alright for now. I saw Antares distracting her, but who knows how much time that ballsy bastard'll buy us."

Markab clicked his pincers, then gave a lopsided smile to Polaris. "I was plannin' on goin' up next… after ol' scaly bites the dust, o' course. I mean, he's a tough bastard, f'sure, but… no chance for him livin'. Anyways, y'think ya'd wanna come with? One last little bit o' fun…?"

Polaris stared at the Gliscor for a few seconds, before sighing and offering his own resigned smile. "Why the hell not." He glanced over at where Antares was still savagely attacking Reshiram. "Hmm. Maybe if we go now, we might be able to take her out? I mean, fuck's sake, she's pouring more blood from her neck than any of us have in our whole bodies."

"...Y'might be right with that! Fuckin' hell, ya genius! C'mon, then!" Markab sped off, taking to the skies, Polaris following on foot.

Graffias trembled as he watched them go. He knew he couldn't have stopped them if he'd tried. They wouldn't have listened. He turned to his trainer, who'd been rendered speechless this entire time. "I know you don't understand me... I'm so sorry." He turned to watch the rest of the carnage.

Markab soared high, roughly level with Reshiram's head. He fired off a few razor-sharp solidified blades of air. They did little more than annoy the legendary Pokémon, judging by how her eyes snapped towards him and narrowed. He turned to gain more distance, when he was hit by something massive, sending him crashing to the ground. He attempted to get up, but caught sight of a massive shadow looming over him; he knew this was the end. The Gliscor locked eyes with Polaris, who was watching in horror, knowing there was nothing he could do. Markab gave his only friend one last smile. "Heh… thanks for all the fun times."

Reshiram's foot came down upon the Gliscor, crushing and splattering him against the ground.

Polaris fell to his knees, unable to take his eyes off of the puddle of blood that used to be his friend. He didn't move even when one of Reshiram's wings came down, scooping him up within the massive claws that rested atop it. Even as the legendary Pokémon's maw opened, he didn't resist. All he could muster was a weak "Just do it already." before his top half was severed from his bottom half by Reshiram's fangs.

Antares had slowed his attack by now, his energy far too low for such a fight. He still weakly clung on to Reshiram's scales, a fine layer of fur matted with her own blood. Reluctantly, he released his grip and flew away, so high up that the air was much clearer than it was below. He needed this breather. Antares was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the sky rapidly darkening with storm clouds until a clap of thunder startled him out of his musings. He looked around to find the entire sky dark.

"This… should not be possible. How…?" Lightning struck again, and with it the booming thunder. Antares shook his head. He needed to get back in there and save whoever was left. He flew in a loop a few times, mostly to burn off the blood that still stuck to him. Once he was satisfied, he dove back down to where all of the death and destruction was.

Graffias was powerless in Reshiram's grasp. Even as he thrashed and squirmed, he knew there was no escaping. The trainer had died only a few minutes ago, the fire's smoke flooding his lungs and suffocating him. Thus, Graffias was the only survivor… him and Antares, wherever he was.

Antares breached the smoke line and saw Graffias within the legendary Pokémon's hold. He flew even faster, hoping he could make it in time--

Graffias choked as a horrible pressure was put on his neck. It felt as though all his vertebrae would be shattered at any moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Antares desperately trying to reach him. The Girafarig managed a weak smile, and rasped out, "I'm sorry."

Antares watched Reshiram flick her wing, and with it Graffias' neck bent in a completely wrong direction, the cracking of his bones audible.

Antares had failed to save anyone. That much was obvious. The town, possibly the region, and maybe even all regions lay in ruin. However, there was always hope. He still had hope that he could do something good. He could kill the legendary Pokémon that caused all of this death. Yes, that would do it.

He turned his gaze towards Reshiram, seeing the blood flowing from her neck, and the poison infecting her legs, turning parts of them a deep purple. Antares was proud of what everyone had done, and now it was his job to finish this. He needed to be up higher, though; he might have been able to resist those flames for a long time, but even he had his limits. His innards burned as though a hot metal rod had been shoved through them.

Quickly, he dove towards Reshiram and slashed her across the face, drawing out more of that bizarre golden blood. He then ascended as rapidly as possible, and was almost relieved to hear Reshiram roaring amidst the deafening wingbeats that signaled her following him into the clearer air.

Once he was clear of the smoke, and he was able to clearly see the storm clouds, he stopped and waited. Reshiram appeared only seconds later, though Antares was pleased to take notice of how her wingbeats were slowing, and her eyes were dull. She was weak.

He rushed in to do as much damage as he could, but was enveloped by a massive fiery beam of blue-orange energy. It stung at his scales as though he were being stabbed by a million knives. He gritted his teeth and endured, firing a beam of his own once the attack stopped. It struck Reshiram directly, and she was sent backwards a few inches. The impact left a noticeable burn mark on her chest, but other than that, there appeared to be no major damage.

Antares moved in again, but was quickly consumed by another beam from Reshiram. He continued moving through the beam, slashing wildly at her once he was close enough. Reshiram returned the favor in kind, gouging deep claw marks across Antares' body, his own crimson blood flowing freely.

He was fully prepared to meet his end here. Perhaps he deserved it, for not doing enough to help everyone when he had every chance to--

Without any prior indication of just how weak she was, Reshiram fell, her body hurtling towards the earth. Before she hit the ground, a massive, swirling pillar of flame consumed her. When it cleared, she too was gone.

Antares could have stopped to ponder this, but he too swayed and fell from the sky, his injuries far too dire for any regular Pokémon to handle.

He knew nobody would save him, of course not, there was nobody left.

But something did. Antares was only inches above the ground, and yet he was suspended as though held up by an invisible force, which… perhaps he was.

Consciousness beginning to slip, he looked around as best as he could, and found only an Ampharos looking at him.

"Hm. How curious." They said before releasing Antares from whatever invisible force had been holding him.

They then proceeded to pick up Antares, which even with his barely-there conscious, knew a regular Ampharos should not have been able to do.

"...I suppose I should take this one to…" The Ampharos trailed off into muttering to himself, whatever it was Antares couldn't hear.

After a few seconds, the Ampharos glanced down at Antares. "You must be curious. About me, I mean." A small smile played on his mouth. "Well, you shouldn't worry about that right now."

As soon as he finished speaking, the ground rumbled; a deep, bone-shaking sound that might have indicated an earthquake. Clearly, that wasn't it, because Antares' mysterious savior did not care at all.

His savior walked forward, and suddenly was walking at an angle. Antares turned his head agonizingly slowly, and saw only a sloping path leading to darkness.

"Don't worry. You'll be safe. I've made sure of that."

Antares' strength finally gave out, and he fell into unconsciousness.

 

[Flyg0n]

:coolbat:
For starters, I enjoyed the piece overall. I was quite brutal but also felt very grave and very sudden. Dramatic. Things start ordinary, just a random trainer and his team hanging out, and suddenly everything hits the fan.
The idea of a trainer verse pokemon 'dying' and getting isekai'd to what I presume may end up being a PMD world(?) if I remember Antares story, is pretty sick. Or just him becoming a protag anyways.

I think you've got a fascinating setup for a dark/grimdark fic. Legendaries going ape on the world, both against humans and pokemon, Reshiram literally razing the earth, Cobalion freakin decapitating Leon. Its all quite juicy and definitely the kind of concept I expect grimdark/dark enjoyers will like. Plus there's cool moments. Girafarig shielding them, watching things unfolded on the news, and battling reshiram.

You've got the right beats for an opening chapter as well. A good escalation, everyone slowly dying until Antares is left, etc.

The biggest thing I noticed I think if times when place setting or word choice would be clunky or odd. And I think your idea could be presented more effectively if you let us get inside the head of Antares more. Times you can slow down and give more description to basically up the gravity of everything. I'll try to list some examples below.

Spoiler

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

Its smallest town, Wedgehurst, was no different. Although there were no League matches to be held there, and not much in the way of Pokémon, most living in the region held it in regards as a great "first town". It was sparsely populated, as most had gone off on their Pokémon journeys.

Some hung around; mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers.

However, there were yet others...

So it seems like you're going for a sort of 'broad' opening, setting the scene basically. Which is good, it tells us what we need to know without going on and on.

First sentence sets us in the Galar region. I think 'interesting' here sort of works against you. I think 'unique' might be more effective? Also, you could add a half sentence of why its league is appealing.

Here is an example, but you absolutely do not have to use it exactly like this, its the principle.

[Galar. A region often regarded as the perfect starting region for aspiring competitive trainers, thanks to its variety of pokemon and battle-focused league structure.]

This tells us that its a region that produces strong trainers (relevant to the fact that there's a fight later against legendaries). Continuing on, the second sentence is a little mixed on its message. It seems to compare Wedgehurst to Galar region as a whole, then say that its nothing like the two attributes listed, then its still seen a good first town.

I think its totally up to you what stuff to talk about, but the biggest thing is picking one and sticking. Why do trainers start here if its sparsely populated, no pokemon, and no league? Naturally the protagonist starts here but why would a lot of trainers also start here?

Now one option (and you do not have to use this at all) is to contrast it against the description of Galar.

[Wedgehurst, however, was quite the opposite. No gym battles, few pokemon, and sparsely populated. Not much of a 'starting town', yet it was the home of one of Galar's strongest trainers...(your now dead trainer character)]

Its up to you how you want to actually describe your trainer character ofc. Maybe he's champion and thats why the town has become popular.
Or he's just tough, or a tournament winner, or even from another region.

The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, managing to press the power button as well.

The television turned on to show a news report about a legendary Pokémon being spotted in Wyndon.

Since the first sentence starts in past tense, you can continue that for the whole sentence.
"The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, and pressed the power button."

The use of the phrase 'legendary pokemon being spotted in Wyndon' makes it sound like a sighting, a fleeting thing. But the next part it seems to almost be a press conference. I think 'legendary pokemon arriving in Wyndon to see the champion' might be clearer.

Antares wasn't paying attention to it, though, because on the news ticker, there was something horrible.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}

So this is a part where I think you can add weight by really getting into Antares physical and emotional reactions, instead of telling us it was something 'horrible'.

Does Antares feel sick to his stomach? Heart racing? Do sounds grow quiet and he can't tear his eyes away? Perhaps he thinks about his home region,if he's not native to Galar? This is a great moment to write 1 or 2 sentences that can show us Antares character and get into his headspace.

He turned to Graffias, whose eyes were firmly locked on the ticker headline. The giraffe was trembling as he kept looking.

Antares looked for anything else, but that was the only headline. It kept repeating. Over and over.

Nice, like the mention of the physical reaction Graffias displayes.

I am wondering what exactly Antares was looking for? Expecting a better headline maybe? Is he looking for news from another region? Hoping that its not true? Extra detail heremay help make it clear.

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

"Oh, shit!"

So this is a part where its like one of those heart stopping moments. I think the order of the sentences sort of takes away from the darkness.

The first couple sentences are short and punchy, good. Try to picture the entire situation in order. Example:

[The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion.

"Oh, shit!" his trainer exclaimed. The crowd erupted into mass hysteria, screaming and fleeing.

A small pool of blood began to form where the former champions head had landed.]

Suggestion below in bold. Outside of dialogue or specific inner thoughts, you can try for concise wording and cutting out words such as 'likely'. I've also found it helpful to try and cut out too much uses of the word 'was', which helps sentence feel very direct:

Yet the camera remained where it was, abandoned by the cameraman, still recording everything that followed.

Leon's Charizard roared in fury and grief, before spewing a massive stream of flames from its maw.

Unfazed, Cobalion galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach and drenching itself in blood. It slashed to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.

Okay I really like the last sentence a lot. I can't quite word it but basically it feels dramatic and cool, this sort of chilling sense of the death on repeat, both on screen and on the ticker? Good stuff.

There was only the faintest woosh of air, then everything around the barrier was blown away in a massive explosion, flames consuming whatever had remained standing.

It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

So this is a moment where I think you should try to slow things down. Reshiram has appeared! This is a big deal, so take your time at this part to capture the grimness and fear and etc. You can effectively do this by writing longer paragraphs and focusing on the scene setting.

[It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.]

Try rewriting this as a whole pragraph. Describe all the senses. Maybe the horrible burning scent, what the world outside looks like. Is it ashes? Fires everywhere? Fleeing wild pokemon? What can Antares hear? Distant screaming, wild pokemon wailing in agony? Maybe other houses reduced to rubble. Go a little ham, dig into the five senses, so the reader can feel grounded in whats happening. Start small, on Antares, then 'zoom out'.

Antares gaped at the sight. He'd… just watched someone die. He hadn't even really considered Vega a friend, but seeing such a gruesome thing done to anyone…

I won't go into detail again but I think this is another bit where you can add a sentence or two of Antares thoughts.
"He'd just watched someone die" is a factual statement. But how does he feel?

I think cutting out that sentence will make it punchier. if you want you can add something at the end, digging more into Antares emotions.

The legendary dragon stared down at them, collecting a mass of fire within her maw, before opening her mouth and spewing flames directly at the two of them. Polaris was quick enough to be able to flip out of the way. Regulus was not. He stood his ground and did not let out even a grunt as he was consumed by the flames. When the flames died down, nothing recognizable remained of the stalwart Venusaur.

This was a nice paragraph! Genuinely enjoyed this, excellent use of the word stalwart too. Keep this.

Antares, deciding he'd seen two deaths too many, flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, and grabbed on to her scales, sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck, drawing out mass amounts of golden blood. The legendary Pokémon lurched, and then Antares found himself within the middle of a blazing inferno. Thankfully, he was resistant to the divine flames, thanks to his Dragon-typing.

This is another part where you can try to write more from Antares view.

["Enough!" Antares roared.] Actually communicates the same gist. You can probably split the first sentence in half as well. In action scenes, its better to go for specific verbs and adverbs,and short sentences.

[ He flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, grabbing onto her scales and sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck. Golden blood began to pour from her gaping wounds.]

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead. Antares was doused in her blood by now, horribly warm and sticky and disgusting. He blinked it out of his eyes, and continued his feral assault.

Elsewhere, Graffias was bombarding the legendary Pokémon with whatever he could find within the remains of burned homes. His trainer hid behind him, with Markab also nearby.

I think a line break here will be helpful, if your switching to another POV/area of the fight, so to speak.

Antares had failed to save anyone. That much was obvious. The town, possibly the region, and maybe even all regions lay in ruin. However, there was always hope. He still had hope that he could do something good. He could kill the legendary Pokémon that caused all of this death. Yes, that would do it.

Another part where some juicy descriptions can be added. Maybe Antares is shaking with rage or hate burns in his heart. A sentence describing the ruins of the area as far as he can see. Show us the destruction so we can really get Antares hate.

"Hm. How curious." They said before releasing Antares from whatever invisible force had been holding him.

They then proceeded to pick up Antares, which even with his barely-there conscious, knew a regular Ampharos should not have been able to do.

So I have no issues with a mysterious Ampharos saving him, even picking him up (especially since Antares notes that it shouldn't be possible) but I am trying to picture their relative postions. Garchomp are decently large pokemon. Does he pick him up psycically? With some invisible force?

And how does he carry him? Dragging him or over his head somehow? I think a little clarification here will service you well.

I hope this wasn't too overwhelming! I like the beats so far and you have some great bits! Broadly speaking I think just:

A)showing more scene setting - any time you switch to a new location or it changes somehow, you can describe it. Especially if it deviates from the norm. We might not need a super detailed description of the quiet town of Wedgehurst but we do need a description of it burning.

B)Writing more of your characters emotions through body language and internal thoughts. When major things happen, give sentence or two from their perspective. Thing about the 5 senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight). Think about how they react physically. Does their body tense with anger or fists clench? Maybe they growl or they fele their heart racing when scared.

Otherwise I'm delighted to see work from you and I hope you keep writing this! I think there's plenty of juicy darkness to get into here. Keep it up!!!

 

[Joshthewriter]

Catnip time!

Fairly ordinary start tbh. It all seems so tame for you lol. Just some relatively wholesome team dynamics, which can be a good introduction.

OH BOY that’s a tonal shift. Introducing the trainer and then immediately having the shock of cobalion whole-ass decapitating Leon is much more in line with what I expected coming in. I was a huge fan of the creeping dread as the pokemon team knows what’s coming before it actually happens. Damn effective little bit of tension building.

I personally love shocking readers into a surprise battle and Reshiram showing up (somewhat out of nowhere, but Galar was kinda lacking in legends so I get it).

The battle (if you could even call it that) was properly brutal. I love depicting legends as capital G Gods. Reshiram here felt that powerful, shrugging off the opening salvo of attacks as if they weren’t even a nuisance (despite so much of its blood getting spilled) and no-selling every combatant it actually focused on. While I personally am not a huge fan of it going down along with Antares (whose stubborn nature endeared him to me), the battle itself was pure raw brutal spectacle.

I find myself realizing at the end here (which appears to almost be a PMD section) that I know next to nothing about what’s going on, other than the legends razing the regions. I think it’s in an attempt to free the pokemon, but I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps you could tease the justifications for it or something?

All in all, I do like the brutal style. I’m a darkfic guy and you’ve gotten my attention.

 

[JFought]

From Catnip, I have arrived! Single chapter reviews aren’t necessarily my forte, but I’ll try my best, especially since a lot happens in this chapter to set things up properly for the rest of the story. The only thing I know about this fic going in is that it’s apparently pretty brutal, so I’ll just jump into my thoughts and we’ll go from there. Also, Flygon made a lot of really good points and for the sake of diversity I’m going to try not to repeat them, just know that I second her advice, it’s all good stuff.

Thoughts on Part 1:

• We have a lot of characters right off the bat! I think the character intros are sufficient for the pace of the chapter. They’re snappy and grounded in their dynamics with each other, which is good! I feel like I got a good idea of the overall team dynamic before everything goes horribly wrong later, which is important for the kind of intro this is.
  
  
• I did kind of feel a bit odd going into the house scene. It’s hard to put into words, but the way the broad intro zooms into the interpersonal dynamics of a bunch of characters I’ve never met threw me for a loop a bit. I think maybe you zoomed in a bit too quickly? Like, normally after a broad intro that sets the scene a distance from our characters, I would expect to go down only a level or two in terms of this distance. Maybe we’d get an equally brief intro of the team here and who their trainer is. Or alternatively if you want to keep the identities of these characters vague to start off, something that establishes a context for this scene, like the time of day (I think it’s supposed to be morning?), or something that more clearly establishes a sense of normalcy. As it stands, we go straight from a description of Galar and Wedgehurst into what feels like the middle of a scene, and it feels disorienting in a way I don’t think you intended, as I find myself trying to figure out what everyone is doing and why, in what’s supposed to be a laid back intro scene.
  
  
• Leon is murdered! This early on we can only guess why the legendaries have decided to begin wiping out humanity. It seems like they want to make a big deal out of it: Cobalion certainly made a big deal out of his appearance, and that theory matches the cruelty Reshiram shows. I think showing us Cobalion first makes sense considering what we know of the motives so far, given his whole schtick, though I was a little unsure how he killed Leon for a moment. He rears up to slice his head off, but with what? His sword-horn, like from the anime? With the current description it was a bit hard to visualize the motion Cobalion must’ve made for it, since I don't know where the weapon is or how it must've been used. My guess is that he reared up, and then made a quick swivel of his head to expertly slice Leon’s head off with his sword, but I’m unsure.
  
  
• I like the overall tension in the moments leading up to Reshiram’s appearance. I think the prose style you’re using here, with the multiple short paragraphs, helps make what is ultimately a short passage feel longer and more tense. Like we have to take a breath between each moment leading up to the inevitable point where shit hits the fan.
  
  
• Despite being a losing battle, the team managed to put up a bit of a fight! The whole scene gave me slight Invincible vibes. You did a good job emphasizing Reshiram’s overwhelming power, while still keeping things at least a little bit open for victory, as the few good hits the team got were pretty devastating. I do get the sense that whoever Zach was, his team was no pushover. Especially Antares, he practically carried the fight, though the type advantage certainly helped. Everyone’s deaths are played up too and sufficiently dramatic. I like how, in spite of how little time we’ve spent with them, we still get a sense of their personalities and dynamics here. The camaraderie between Markab and Polaris, stalwart Regulus and cowardly Vega, and the relationship between Antares and Graffias. It all helps sell the impact of their deaths and the effect watching all of this must have on Antares.
  
  
• The trainer does feel kinda like an afterthought here, which doesn’t really feel right to me. Like, I guess if the bond Antares has with his trainer isn’t as important as the bond with his teammates, then I’d get why he’s brushed off. But we’re supposed to believe that the team is willing to die for him here, and technically he’s the battle’s “goal state” that prompted it in the first place. So it feels kind of anticlimactic that he spends the battle doing nothing and dies unceremoniously offscreen, especially when everyone else’s death is given so much focus. It’s also for that same reason that it feels weird that we get no reaction from him either. It really feels like he should be more important to the scene than he is.
  
  
• Antares just barely wins, and like I mentioned earlier, I think you made it pretty believable that he’d manage it, the team did quite a number on Reshiram! The way she disappeared makes it seem like he might’ve just barely not managed to kill her, though. Perhaps she’ll come up again later?
  
  
• And we end on a mysterious character. For some reason my first thought was “SPMD Ampharos???” I don’t know why I thought that, I guess I just have Super on the brain, heh. Though I have heard that from here it’s going to switch to a PMD setting, so maybe I’m not too far off?

Typo/formatting wise, I have a few notes I'll keep to a spoiler tag.

Spoiler: Typos and Formatting Errors

There are some weird things going on with the ends of your dialogue.

"Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.

Generally, when placing a dialogue tag like "character said" after a piece of dialogue, then that dialogue should always end with a comma instead of a period. In these cases, even if the dialogue is a complete sentence by itself, it's still technically a part of the same sentence as the dialogue tag. So here it should instead be:

"Markab," a Venusaur said in a low voice.

There are a few places where you make this mistake, but the thing is, there are also places where you don't, but keep the next letter capitalized as if you did:

"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly.

And then there's places where the reverse happens!

"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.

I'm thinking that these might just be typos, but I still gave the advice anyway because I'm not really sure how you would "normally" write them, it's a bit inconsistent.

From here I'll just point out every other instance I noticed, plus a couple other things.

"Hehe… that was nothing, me an' froggy here was just messin' around," He nudged the dazed Toxicroak with a pincer. "Right?"

This dialogue ends with a comma, when this is an instance where it should end as a period.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

"Vega. Leave them alone." The Venusaur rumbled as his vine dragged the Luxray away from the Girafarig and Antares.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.

(tbf you could possibly argue that muttered isn't a dialogue tag here, but I don't know what you intended.)

Regulus grumbled "What.", while Vega's and Markab's jaws dropped.

Considering what you're going for with this sentence structure, I think here you should just drop the period and replace it with the comma.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

"Apologies for the crude language. We will not be leaving our trainer," He crouched slightly, vines hanging in the air.

Another instance where the comma should be a period.

All he could muster was a weak "Just do it already." before his top half was severed from his bottom half by Reshiram's fangs.

And another place where the period should be a comma. Though I could see an argument for just removing the period entirely? I guess it depends on how you want this line to flow when reading it. it's just a thought don't always take my grammer advice seriously i have no idea what i'm talking about.

Overall, I think you have a good setup here. I imagine from here we’re going to get the answer for as to who that Ampharos is and where he’s taking Antares. The intro seems like it’s setting up for some angst from Antares due to being unable to protect his friends, and maybe potentially a revenge story, but it is only the first chapter, and the more I think about it the more potential directions I can see this fic going in. Regardless of where the story goes from here, I think the first part here should support it well, it’s very striking and if that’s what you were going for with this opening then I’d say you did a good job with it!

 

[AbraPunk]

Spoiler: content warnings

Blood, slight gore

The Ampharos strode through the winding tunnels, with a concentrated sphere of pure electricity as his light source. Of course, now that he didn't have to be carrying someone around, it was much easier to move, or do anything, really.

After what could have been either minutes or hours, he finally reached his destination.

Ahead of him was an opening that led into a massive, spacious chamber, which was rounded-out, much like the rest of the tunnel network. In the center of the chamber, a massive black and green serpent sat with their back turned to the Ampharos, and as their scales gently pulsed, the room was tinted neon green.

The Ampharos dismissed his electricity sphere. It dissolved, and the energy that had been contained within it flowed into his body.

He steeled himself before he called out to the serpent, "Zygarde, I wish to speak with you."

There was no indication that he had been heard.

He sighed before trying again. "It concerns the one I brought into your realm some time ago."

Zygarde turned their head slightly, and their scales stopped glowing. "Have you come to inform us that you are removing him from our realm?"

"No."

"Then you have no reason for being here. Leave."

"That's not happening. Look, I know you don't like me, or… any of the others--"

"That is a severe understatement."

"I don't think the severity of your disdain for everyone else makes a difference. But alright, I'll make this quick, then. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, but I've finally come up with a plan that'll get rid of Reshiram."

Zygarde fully turned to look at the Ampharos, and slithered towards him. "And what exactly does this 'plan' of yours entail?"

"It's simple. You might not like it, but you're going to be involved in this. First, you'll need to claim the mortal as your Champion--"

"We refuse."

The Ampharos paused for several seconds, then sighed deeply. He could already feel a spark of rage coursing through him.

"Listen. You hate everyone. That's all you ever talk about. So, wouldn't it be logical for you to want to help kill some of the others?"

"We 'hate' most, not all, of our fellow gods. You should learn the distinction. And if we are to eliminate others, we shall do so in our own way, and at our own discretion."

The Ampharos gritted his teeth.

Fuck this.

In a blinding flash of light, he shed his mortal disguise and now stood before Zygarde in his true divine form: a colossal, muscular black dragon. The air crackled and hummed with electricity, and bolts of lightning danced around him.

"How much of a fucking hypocrite do you have to be?" Zekrom growled, and jabbed a claw at Zygarde. "You're always going on about how much you hate all of the other gods, but now that I'm giving you a chance to kill one of them, you say it's not worth the effort?! Just what the hell do you think you're playing at, huh?!"

Zygarde was silent for several seconds. Finally, they answered, "We are not 'playing at' anything. You simply fail to comprehend our actions."

Zekrom snarled and lunged at Zygarde, then wrapped his claws around their neck and squeezed with as much might as possible.

"I'm not failing to comprehend anything. I see the truth, and I see you for what you are: nothing more than a selfish, pathetic excuse for a god. Understand this." He drew his arms in, and thus dragged Zygarde closer to him. "You will not squander my chance at freedom."

Zygarde was completely still, even as Zekrom's claws pierced their scales, causing droplets of their golden blood to seep out.

After a short while, there was a squelching noise, and a writhing tentacle covered in small barbs appeared behind Zygarde. It shot out and wrapped itself around Zekrom's neck. He hissed in pain as the barbs dug through his scales and made his own golden blood drip out.

Zygarde tilted their head slightly. "If your link to Reshiram did not prevent you from doing so, then we presume…?" Their layered, echoing voice was seemingly completely unaffected by the claws in their throat.

Zekrom grunted with the effort of speaking while being asphyxiated. "Would have been-- hrgh-- dead, thousands of years ago, yes."

Zygarde stared at Zekrom for several seconds. The tentacle that choked Zekrom released its grip on him, and withdrew back into Zygarde. In response, Zekrom took his claws away from Zygarde, and one of his hands flew to his own throat to apply pressure to the puncture wounds, as he took deep gulping breaths.

Another several seconds, perhaps closer to a minute, went by. "Is this why your plan requires our aid?" Zygarde inquired, completely unfazed by what had just happened.

Zekrom grunted in affirmation and removed his hand from his throat as the wounds gradually closed up.

"We did not allow you to elaborate upon your plan." Zygarde leaned forward almost imperceptibly. "We assume that you will leave us in peace after you explain it?"

"...Yes."

"Very well. Explain."

"My plan is this: You'll make the mortal your Champion, then he'll find Reshiram-- or you can find her for him-- and then, with your combined strength, you'll kill her."

"...Intriguing. Now, leave. We must think about this."

"And I'm glad to leave at this point." Zekrom huffed before he turned and walked away.

While on the way back to where the mortal lay unconscious, he shifted back into his own mortal form.

I don't think the mortal would take too well to a god being the first thing he sees when he wakes.

He paused mid-step.

...Come to think of it, he's been out for a long time. ...I suppose I can only hope he wakes up soon.

He continued on his way.

◇ ◇ ◇

Several weeks later…

Zygarde sat in their chamber and contemplated what to do.

They would not be the one responsible for the mortal. Despite what Zekrom wished, Zygarde had no plans to work alongside anyone, whether mortal or god.

Though… perhaps they could pass the burden off to another… yes, that would do nicely. Zygarde would no longer have to put up with Zekrom's pestering, and Zekrom himself would get his plan fulfilled. An ideal situation for both of them.

Zygarde knew of two gods who would be most likely to accept the burden, for one reason or another.

They cleared their mind, and sent a mental summon to the two gods, which consisted of only four words: Come to the Council.

Zygarde teleported away to the Council realm.

Once they arrived, they were greeted with the familiar sight of a gleaming white and gold corridor, along with the opalescent sky that hung above the open hall.

They slithered through the passageway and passed through a set of open double doors, into the main chamber of the Council.

The room was massive, the ceiling being several times their own height. Twelve thrones were placed at the far end of the room, arranged in a wide semi-circle.

Only one throne was occupied: a simple throne, colored dark grey and silver. On it sat the Lord of Time, Dialga.

Zygarde moved across the room and stopped a respectable distance from where Dialga sat.

"We thank you for answering our summon."

Dialga grunted. "I don't exactly have anything else to do right now."

"...Understandable." They turned to look at one of the empty thrones. "The other is late."

"Oh? You called someone else?" He followed Zygarde's gaze to the vacant thrones. "Hmm. Whoever it is should know better than to disregard a summoning."

"We shall retrieve them, and we shall return shortly." Zygarde teleported away as soon as they'd finished speaking.

They found themself, again, in another realm.

This time, it was a realm consisting only of the fluorescent green outline of a circle against a void filled with countless distant stars and planets.

Zygarde knew how this realm played tricks on the mind, appearing much smaller than it truly was. Of course, it was only fitting that this realm was but a small taste of the Lord of Space's power.

They moved through the realm quickly, wasting no time on looking at the scenery.

Zygarde only stopped when they felt something slippery underneath their scales. They backed away slightly and stared at what they'd slithered over.

A splatter of silver blood. The blood of a lesser god.

They closely surveyed the area as they continued to move, albeit slower than before. Several large silver blood splatters were visible throughout the realm. Occasionally, they would find a droplet or two of golden blood mixed in.

After quite some time, they could finally see the shape of the Lord of Space in the distance.

Once Zygarde was close enough, they could see that the spilled blood was largely concentrated around this area.

"Palkia. We must speak to you regarding--"

Palkia whirled around, glaring at Zygarde in smoldering rage. "Oh, what? You're gonna tell me that I didn't answer your bullshit call? Yeah, yeah, I know I didn't, now fuck off."

Now that Palkia was facing them, Zygarde could see that his forearms were coated in silver blood, and additional blood was splattered across his face and torso.

Zygarde flicked their tail. "Yes, we were going to speak with you concerning your lack of appearance at the Council. However…" They leaned to the side, and could barely discern a corpse behind Palkia. "It would seem there are more pressing matters at hand."

Palkia snorted. "Oh, don't even ask me what all this shit is. I mean, you know what, I'll just show you, and I know you're gonna like it." He stepped aside from the corpse, revealing that it was the mangled body of Virizion.

Zygarde slithered closer to inspect the body, and found that all of Virizion's legs had been broken, as well as her midsection being torn apart, and her head had been ripped off. It lay nearby, with a few vertebrae poking out.

"Heheh… one down, yeah? Who fucking knows how many more to go." Palkia muttered seemingly to himself.

"...We did not see you as the type to so willingly take the life of one of your own kind."

"Don't get me wrong. Normally, I wouldn't dare do that. But, well, when you're one of the bastards that participated in humanity's extinction…" He shrugged with a smirk. "You get what you deserve, y'know? I think it's fair."

"...And how exactly did you deduce that Virizion had a part in humanity's extinction?"

"Oh, well, uh… I dunno, I just kinda… guessed. I mean, at least she admitted to it, so… y'know, I don't have the murder of an innocent on my conscience, heh."

"We see." Zygarde turned around to face Palkia. "We will again request that you come to the Council. There is a matter that we think you will be interested in."

Without waiting for a response, Zygarde went back to the Council realm.

They appeared exactly where they had left. Now it was only a matter of waiting.

Only a handful of seconds passed before Palkia appeared on his throne, having neglected to rid himself of the divine blood that coated his arms.

Dialga looked over to see who had just showed up, and scoffed. "Hmph. Out of all the other gods, it just had to be you."

Palkia glanced over, and had to do a double-take, before he snarled and glared at Dialga. "Why the fuck are you here?"

Zygarde could feel the tension in the air threatening to take a turn for the worse. On one side, the cold contempt from Dialga chilled the very atmosphere. On the other side, the fiery fury from Palkia superheated the air to a near-boiling point, in danger of exploding at any moment.

Of course, Zygarde knew nothing would happen… not here, at least. Arceus had made the Council so that a divine spell prevented any and all bloodshed within it. Naturally, any and every other possible location was free of this restriction.

Zygarde looked between the two gods; nearly every other god knew the two as being sworn nemeses for countless millennia. This was not the place to harbor such trivial hostilities.

"We have summoned you two to discuss something that another god has entrusted us with."

Palkia glanced over at Zygarde, skepticism shining in his eyes. "Okay, hang on," he said as he leaned forward and inadvertently smeared blood across his legs, "you're saying someone gave you the responsibility to do something? There's a lotta problems with that. First off, anyone going to you for help with their problems is about as likely as me and this guy," he said with a quick jab of his finger at Dialga, "actually getting along. So, basically zero-percent chance."

Dialga sighed. "For once, I agree with a statement you've made."

"You shut the hell up!" Palkia hissed at Dialga, before calming down and turning his attention back to Zygarde. "Anyways, like I was saying, I kinda don't really believe you, sorry."

Dialga muttered under his breath, "You claim to have multiple issues with Zygarde's statement, then only elaborate on one…? Idiot."

If Palkia heard Dialga's remark, he didn't show that he did. "But also, I have another question. Who even asked you about this… whatever it is?"

Zygarde waited for a split-second before answering, "Zekrom asked for our help. We suppose we should elaborate upon what this responsibility is. Essentially, we have been asked to make a mortal our Champion, and that mortal, with our help, shall go on to kill Reshiram."

Dialga tilted his head. "Hm. I'd been under the impression that Zekrom and Reshiram were… inseparable, in a way. Has something occurred to disrupt that?"

Palkia snorted. "Look at you, being the stupid one for once! I know you've been holed up in that weird castle of yours for, like, forever now, so you don't know what's going on, but don't worry, I'll explain it to you! Okay, so pretty much, the whole situation with Zekrom and Reshiram, as far as I know, is that they're kinda like you and me," he pointed back-and-forth between himself and Dialga, "except I guess they don't have the ability to actually kill each other, which, uh, that kinda sucks. And I think the reason why that is… is because, uh, I think when they used to be in that weird combined form, before humans showed up, I think something like that sort of stuck around, so they can't do anything to each other, even though they're separate now. So that's why Zekrom's trying to get Zygarde to do his dirty work for him!"

He clapped his hands together only once, and looked over at Zygarde. "Is that what's going on, or am I just stupid?"

Zygarde stared at Palkia for several seconds. "You are correct."

Palkia celebrated with a small fist pump, and a quiet "Yes!".

Dialga contemplated Zygarde carefully. "This is… intriguing, to an extent, but I must know why you're telling us this."

"We shall not be the one to handle this responsibility. We wish to pass it on to either of you."

Palkia stared at Zygarde, dumbfounded. "I… huh…?"

Dialga blinked in surprise. "That's… not an answer I had been expecting."

"We require your answers now."

Palkia's eyes darted around the room. "Um, uh, I mean… I guess I could, but then one thing would lead to another, and soon enough I'd probably have to deal with a very pissed off Zekrom, and, uh, I'd rather not…" He quickly teleported out of the chamber before anyone could react.

Dialga shifted slightly. "I refuse. Try doing your own work instead of wasting time on trying to pass it off to others." He, too, teleported away.

Zygarde stared at the empty thrones.

We suppose we have no choice. Fine.

They left the chamber, and returned to their own realm. Perhaps that mortal would be awake now… It had been a few months since Zekrom had first brought him…

◇ ◇ ◇

Antares awoke to a searing pain shooting through his leg, and a bitter chill in the air that made him shudder uncontrollably.

He eased his eyes open-- and saw absolutely nothing.

What? Have I been blinded…?! No, surely not!

Panic wrapping around his heart, he pushed himself off of the cold, stone-like ground. As soon as he stood uneasily, his leg gave out, and he stumbled forward into a wall.

He rested his head against the wall, hearing only the pounding of his heart and his trembling breaths.

I am in an unfamiliar location, currently experiencing great pain, and my sight may have been taken. Were I in better condition, I'd not be struggling so… though perhaps that's only obvious. As soon as I am able, I must investigate what has happened.

"Ah, you're finally awake."

Antares jumped slightly, and turned around, his dorsal fin scraping against the wall. He swallowed his fear and mustered his courage to yell out, "Who goes there?! Show yourself!"

Imbecile! You've no means of sight!

There was a brief moment of silence, followed by the stranger's confused muttering of, "You can't see me…?"

The environment suddenly lit up, as though a miniature sun had formed within it. Antares flinched and shielded his eyes. At least now he knew he wasn't blind.

"Oh, too bright… hold on." The light dimmed, and Antares slowly looked to see that the stranger was the Ampharos who'd saved him. In his paws, he held a cyan sphere, lightning encased within it, lighting up the surroundings.

"You! Why have you brought me here?" He demanded of the Ampharos.

His savior shrugged. "...Because it was the only safe place I could think of? You might want to try being grateful."

"Believe me, I am most grateful to you! I simply have far too many questions concerning my situation!"

"That's fair." He eyed Antares, noticing how the Garchomp struggled to stand up. "Hm. I guess that free healthcare did a number on you."

"What do you mean by that?"

The Ampharos pointed to Antares' leg. "Well, you had to be kept alive somehow. The methods were… unsavory."

Antares looked down at his leg to see a small circular scar on his thigh. "What did you do?!"

"Oh, it wasn't me. I guess you'll find out soon enough. Speaking of which, we should probably go." A small smirk grew on the Ampharos' face, before he said, "Do you need me to carry you, or can you walk on your own?"

Antares scowled. "Hngh… I can walk just fine, thank you."

"Alright, suit yourself." With that, the Ampharos turned and started walking into the darkness, leaving Antares to limp as fast as he could to keep up.

It was several minutes before the Ampharos led Antares into an absolutely gargantuan chamber within the confusing labyrinthine network of caves and tunnels.

Antares no longer had to limp, as it seemed his leg injury had only been temporary.

He took in the surroundings, seeing nothing in particular, besides its size, that suggested this chamber was any different from the countless others they'd walked through.

Antares was about to say something, but the Ampharos held his paw up in what was clearly a shushing gesture. He glanced back at Antares and whispered, "Let me handle this."

He stepped forward, and cleared his throat, before calling out, "Zygarde! He's awake!"

Antares had no time to ponder who, or what, this 'Zygarde' was, before the chamber was tinted with a green glow coming from a serpent that was just as massive as the room itself.

"It has taken long enough." They hissed, in an unnatural, echoing voice that sounded as though thousands of individual voices were all speaking over one another. It sent shivers down Antares' spine.

The Ampharos took a few steps away from Antares. "Sorry about that, but now that he's here…" he trailed off, and averted his gaze.

Antares looked back and forth between this 'Zygarde' and the Ampharos. "What is the meaning of this? What's about to happen?"

The Ampharos was silent, and so was Zygarde.

There was a nauseating squelching noise, as though flesh were being torn apart, and a writhing, slightly transparent tentacle came out of Zygarde's side. It shot out towards Antares, and wrapped around his arms, rendering him unable to resist whatever was about to happen.

He squirmed in its grasp. "Release me at once!"

It lifted him off the ground and held him there. A second tentacle appeared and shot towards Antares, stopping only mere inches from his chest.

It began glowing until it was a sickly yellow, then pressed itself against Antares' chest, superheating his scales, burning both those and the skin underneath.

It felt as though a molten knife were carving him up as though he was nothing more than a festive pumpkin. He grit his teeth to prevent himself from making any kind of noise.

After about a minute of agonizing heat, the tentacle pulled away and withdrew into Zygarde. The other tentacle that had been holding Antares released him, unceremoniously dumping him onto the ground.

Antares glanced down at his chest. Some kind of symbol had been seared into his chest. Upon closer inspection, it was… just the letter Z.

He glared up at Zygarde. "What compelled you to do this?"

The Ampharos, who'd been looking away the entire time, coughed before responding, "Sorry you had to go through that. It's… well, neither of us can tell you right now, but you'll understand eventually. Just trust us on this."

Antares whirled around to face him, snarling. "What could possibly explain any of this?"

"We have a plan, alright? I know it's something you're going to want to go through with, and even on the off-chance you don't, well, it's already too late for you to back out."

Antares folded his arms, but quickly put them back down after a flash of pain shot through his new burn scar. "…I suppose I'll hear you out."

The Ampharos sighed in relief. "Good. Okay, so our plan is, simply put, this: you're going to go out into the world, and… you'll go kill Reshiram. Should be easy for you."

Antares had to take a few seconds to process this. He was going to be able to avenge everyone he had ever considered his friends and family?

He would be stupid to not agree with this.

"…I see! You have my apologies for being so aggressive, then."

"Don't worry about it." He paused awkwardly. "Do you think you'd be ready to go back out into the world right now?"

"Have I regained my full strength?"

The Ampharos shrugged, and looked towards Zygarde.

They stared down at Antares. "We have ensured that your strength has returned to normal levels, and has remained consistent since you arrived."

Antares nodded. "Very well, then, yes, I'm prepared to search for, and vanquish, Reshiram!"

The Ampharos nodded in response. "Great. Alright, then, guess I'll see you around! Good luck."

There was a brief feeling of weightlessness, as though Antares had just entered the vast reaches of space, and then a blinding flash of light… and he was no longer in the caves.

He found himself standing in a flat field, surrounded by trees. Blades of grass swayed gently in the breeze, and the sun shone overhead. It was… oddly calming.

Despite everything that had happened, Antares found himself relaxing a bit, the tension leaving his mind.

He found a small lake nearby, and sat near its bank, staring out across it.

So… he supposed this was his life now. His only goal was to hunt down and kill Reshiram, that foul wretch who had taken everything from him.

That might suffice for now… but after I achieve that, what will I do? What can I do? The world has been irrevocably changed. There is no place for one such as myself. Mayhaps I might simply become a nomad, wandering the land with no rhyme or reason.

He exhaled deeply and watched the water as it rippled with the wind.

As content as he would have been to simply sit here forever, and remain at peace, he knew that couldn't happen. He needed to keep moving forward, and for that to happen, he needed to get his revenge.

The sound of footsteps behind him snapped him out of his peaceful trance, and he quickly stood and turned to see who was approaching him.

It was a Blaziken, who didn't seem very hostile.

"Hi there!" The Blaziken waved as he got closer to Antares. "Don't think I've seen you around here before. Mind telling me where you're coming from?"

Antares eyed the stranger. They were exactly the same height as each other, so if it came down to a fight, it might be evenly matched…

"I apologize, but I don't recall where I've come from." That wasn't entirely a lie. He didn't know what the cave system had truly been, or even where it was.

The Blaziken tilted his head. "Huh, yeah, I get that. It's been a few months, everyone that's still alive is running in circles trying to get their collective shit together. I don't blame ya!"

"...Pardon me, a few months? A few months since… what, exactly?" Antares' stomach slowly constricted with dread, if his guess as to what the Blaziken was referring to was right…

"Uh. Since the Reset, buddy. Y'know, that thing where most of the gods came down to earth and stamped out the humans? That. I don't know if you've been livin' under a rock or what, heh, but you should've at least heard of it from someone you know!"

Antares stared at the Blaziken for several seconds, a million thoughts racing through his head at once.

He mentally chided himself, Stop. This is no time to get caught up in your grief. You must keep going, no matter what.

"...Ah. Unfortunately, I lost everyone I'd known when… that happened."

"Oh. Sorry." The Blaziken sure didn't sound very sorry.

"Do not apologize, it was not your fault."

"Yeah, I know that, just… I don't know, isn't that the thing most people say when they're upset or whatever?"

Antares shivered slightly, though he wasn't sure why. It wasn't cold… "In a way, yes, it is."

"Wait, so you know what the Reset was, because I guess you witnessed it first-hand… then why'd you ask me what it had been a few months since? You should've known that."

Antares put a claw to his chin. How should he construct this lie…? "I was… unconscious for several months, and I was aided by someone."

The Blaziken leaned in slightly, an odd glint in his eyes. "Who helped you?"

"Er… I can not say, for I do not know who they are."

"Hm. Alright." The Blaziken was clearly not satisfied with that answer. "Well, we don't have to be strangers! What's your name, bud? I'm Kai!" He put a hand out for a handshake.

Antares awkwardly slipped one of his claws into Kai's talons and shook. "My name is Antares. I suppose it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Kai."

"Heh, same to you, pal." Kai's eyes slid over to their weird handshake-- and stopped. "Say, what's that, uh, marking you got there?"

Antares took his claw back, letting it awkwardly drop to his side. "Erm… simply a burn that I received from an attack, long ago."

Kai's eyes had an almost predatory look to them. "So you say. I know burns, since, y'know, I'm a Fire-type an' all, and that looks too recent to be 'long ago'."

Antares gulped, and thought he noticed movement behind a tree out of the corner of his eye. There was nothing there when he glanced over to it, though. "My apologies, my memory has been--"

"That's no damn regular burn. That's a branding mark!" He hissed, and glared at Antares. "Who're you with, huh?"

"Who am I-- what?"

"Don't play stupid with me, you're with some god, and it sure as hell ain't Reshiram!"

Antares' blood froze.

Reshiram?

No, no, no, this wasn't happening. He had not just stumbled into a supporter of that… that villain! She who deserved nothing but death!

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about, really!" Antares took a step back, and watched as a Breloom stepped out from behind the tree he'd noticed movement from only a few moments ago.

Kai snarled. "If you aren't gonna talk, then we'll make you!" He turned to the Breloom. "Get him!"

Antares turned and prepared to fly away, but was struck with a cloud of pale white spores.

Sleeping spores! No--!

He quickly succumbed to the effects, and collapsed right there.

Kai and the Breloom stood over him, chuckling to themselves.

"The Father's gonna be real happy with this one." Kai muttered.

Antares fell into unconsciousness, not knowing what would happen to him.

 

[Erased_Account]

Heya! I’m here to give that Catnip review. Galar, huh? I haven’t read many fanfics set in the region. Guess that’s on me. I don’t usually find Galar fics interesting enough to read.

Right off the bat we’ve got two of a trainer’s mons roughhousing. …And some comments thrown around. I’m guessing most of these teammates don’t get along well. Makes me wonder how they’ve survived this long as a team.

I think you’re introducing everyone too quickly. I got confused when you switch from “the Garchomp” to “Antares” and just kept using "Antares" without much indication afterward of him being a Garchomp.

“Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.

There should be a comma after “Markab” and the “a” lowercased.

He walked slowly over to the sleeping trainer and nudged him. The trainer jolted awake, looking around before his gaze settled on Girafarig. He heaved out a sigh. "Damn, scared me. Thanks, Graffias." He chuckled as he patted the giraffe on the head.

The first sentence should be separated from the rest - There’s two different characters acting in this paragraph. Same thing happens here:

The Garchomp snarled and fully turned towards the Luxray, ready to pounce. The Girafarig put a hoof on the Garchomp's leg.

Garchomp’s and Girafarig’s actions shouldn’t be bunched together.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

This should be written as- “Antares,” he said as he shook his head. “Don’t.” And there should be one sentence before a dialogue tag. Then you can continue to have a character speak for as long as needed.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}

Why isn’t this what the news is featuring upfront? Especially with deaths totalling in the millions? I get Leon is a big deal in Galar and what he’s doing at the moment involves a legendary. Maybe Leon could have been shown in a brief segment getting away from the top story of the hour or on another channel getting attacked?

Cobalion said five words. "Silence. Humanity's end has come."

Antares shook as he quickly glanced around at the rest of the team.

You could clarify here: was Cobalion speaking to Leon telepathically?

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

“Oh, shit!"

Right there with you, random bystander. First chapter and a canon character has already been murdered! The poor guy’s head got cut off!

Cobalion was unfazed, though, and galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach, getting drenched in blood, then slashing to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.

Now Charizard’s dead. I feel Leon and his Charizard shouldn’t have gone down this quickly given how long Leon held the position of League Champion before Sword/Shield and Cobalion’s steel typing. Then again, they do paint large targets on themselves and Cobalion’s a legendary, so Leon being targeted regardless of how he and his team could handle such a threat makes sense.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

“Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

The mythical dragon's flight path abruptly changed course, so that it was now heading straight towards the group.

First we’re shown Cobalion, then Reshiram? Has Unova under Ghetsis declared war on Galar or was this a coincidence?

[Checks fic’s summary over on AO3.] Oh. Apparently the entire legendary pantheon has gotten pissed with humanity. Pokemon rising up to overthrow humans reminds me of another fic I read once. I think it involved a fanon Eevee evolution who decided to liberate its kind from humans after being put through lab experiments? Meanwhile, Ash’s Pikachu was a girl for... Whatever reason. Moving on-

"...Abandon your 'trainer', and you all shall be spared."

I guess the legendaries are capable of telepathy. I believe it should still be clarified before you have Cobalion attack Leon.

Question: why couldn’t Vega have been spared if he was running away?

Sorry about most of this being criticism. I thought the action scene with Reshiran worked pretty well. Even though all I’ve seen from this team of pokemon before the battle was conflict, I still felt bad for Markab before Reshiram killed him. I'm curious what's going on during the last scene with the Ampharos. Some sort of hallucination caused by being near-death? Maybe the Ampharos isn't an Ampharos, judging by how it picked up a freaking Garchomp, and is another 'mon masquerading as one.

 

[AbraPunk]

Spoiler: flyg0n review reply

The idea of a trainer verse pokemon 'dying' and getting isekai'd to what I presume may end up being a PMD world(?

Is it really an isekai if it's the same world?

showing more scene setting - any time you switch to a new location or it changes somehow, you can describe it. Especially if it deviates from the norm.

This is something I need to try to keep in mind, since I had a beta for chapter 2 tell me that the second half felt rushed with lacking descriptions. Thanks!

Otherwise I'm delighted to see work from you and I hope you keep writing this! I think there's plenty of juicy darkness to get into here. Keep it up!!!

Thank you!!!

Spoiler: Josh review reply

Fairly ordinary start tbh. It all seems so tame for you lol.

OH BOY

(idk how to make things bigger on the forum so pretend this is 5x its normal size)

I find myself realizing at the end here (which appears to almost be a PMD section) that I know next to nothing about what’s going on,

yeah whoops 😅

I think it’s in an attempt to free the pokemon,

I'm not really sure what this means...?

Spoiler: JFought review reply

I feel like I got a good idea of the overall team dynamic before everything goes horribly wrong later,

I like how, in spite of how little time we’ve spent with them, we still get a sense of their personalities and dynamics here.

hell yes that's exactly what I was hoping to achieve

The trainer does feel kinda like an afterthought here,

aaaand there it is. whoops. yeah, honestly I couldn't really think of how to improve this. A reviewer on another site called this bit a "necessary casualty" because of... well, everything else that was going on, and that's putting it a lot better than I can.

and maybe potentially a revenge story

I mean you hit the nail on the head here

Spoiler: Moon review reply

I’m guessing most of these teammates don’t get along well

They actually get along fairly well! A reviewer on another site called it "admittedly kind of weird camaraderie", and I think that's exactly what it ends up being!

You could clarify here: was Cobalion speaking to Leon telepathically?

No, I believe it's clarified somewhere around that bit that any actual pokémon speech is not able to be heard by humans. I simply italicized Cobalion's dialogue so that it wouldn't be confused as... actually being able to be understood by humans, if that makes sense.

[Checks fic’s summary over on AO3.] Oh. Apparently the entire legendary pantheon has gotten pissed with humanity.

Not all of them!

I guess the legendaries are capable of telepathy.

Well, some of them are, just... not any of the ones featured in this chapter. (Okay, technically Reshiram is, but to elaborate on that would be spoilers for this fic, so...)

Maybe the Ampharos isn't an Ampharos, judging by how it picked up a freaking Garchomp, and is another 'mon masquerading as one.

well, you're right! I think you're the only reviewer here to throw that idea around, lol.

 

[canisaries]

here's your smeargle! graffias the mvp

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hiya! Hope you're having a great day! Here's your review for the exchange!

Brief Summary of Chp 1 and 2:

So chapter 1 starts off in Galar with a team of six and their unnamed trainer. All was normal and like your typical Poké-fic until the Swords of Justice decided that justice didn't apply to humanity and bye-bye Leon, we barely knew ya for like two minutes before ye dead.

Then chaos ensues, explosions, fire, death and gore! Lots of bloody, bloody gore! Reshiram comes out of nowhere and goes about mind controlling or whatever and the six mon's are like 'nah'. Then they proceed to get steamrolled, leaving our MC, Antares the Garchomp, the last one standing. He then gets knocked out and taken by Mysterious Ampharos who looks like they have some kind of psychic power.

Chp 2 has Mysterious Ampharos carrying Antares into cave and we then see that Mysterious Ampharos was secretly Zekrom! And he's 'friends' with Zygarde.

The two 'hug' it out and Zekrom says he wants Antares to be Zygarde's Champion.

To which Zygarde replies with 'No." and proceeds to laze around because they're a fat snake.

Zekrom gets mad and we get his tragic backstory of never being able to kill the one he hates. Zygarde's like 'Alright, bruh. I'll see what I can do.' Then like the multicellular snake it is, it actually had two little cell-lings dressed as fingers crossed behind its back and thus, it gathered the gods of creation to do its work instead.

Palkia and Dialga says no and Zygarde goes back to its cave to sulk for a few more days.

Then Antares comes back to life, angst about his friends and gets burnt by Zygarde. He then meets a Blaziken who is (probably) in love with Reshiram and dies gets knocked out by ninja Breloom and the two successfully kidnaps their new sacrificial lamb.

Yippee.

Thoughts of Chp1:

At first, the story seemed plain like a typical journey or trainer fic. And aside from getting overloaded by names everywhere and being barely able to keep track of who's who (can't tell you how many times I had to scroll back just to remember which is which), it was going pretty well.

Then like getting a rug swept under your feet, it starts becoming grimdark.

It's very sudden and maybe it's just me but I feel like having some kind of indication before going straight into the gore could maybe help out a little? Like say having Leon trying to fight back instead of getting insta-killed might've been better as Cobalion (A lesser god as we see in chapter 2) just straight up saying 'Humanity is ending' and not having Leon's Charizard do anything about it is really weird. I feel like having Charizard trying to defend Leon then getting killed with Leon trying to reach for another Pokémon before dying would give more substance to the scene.

Another thing that felt weird was how Reshiram (a standard God probably unless Palkia and Dialga have platinum blood or something) being almost defeated by Unnamed Trainer's team of six, yet Leon's Charizard (a champion) was effortlessly killed by a Lesser God.

And while you could say that Leon's Charizard was 'caught off guard' or 'couldn't fight without orders'. That doesn't really solve the issue since Antares and Co were in pretty much the same situation and almost defeated a Legendary that was stronger.

Another problem I see is humanity being strangely easily destroyed despite a random team of six almost beating a God. So I can't fathom how any region, full of trainers and capable champions having failed to combat this doomsday scenario. Even if you say that Unnamed Trainer was a candidate to being champion, the Elite 4 must've been completely incompetent if they couldn't have done a single thing about this ('cause I'm pretty sure having millions being killed would've alerted any region's league).

One way to fix this and make it more believable is having the Legendaries' powers be more consistent. If Cobalion could effortlessly cut down a Champion's Pokémon, then Reshiram should be able to easily kill the six without sustaining a ton of damage. If that seems like it wouldn't work, as Antares needs to gain Zekrom's interest, you could have Unnamed Trainer play a role by giving out commands, using his creativity to try and level the playing field with Reshiram's power since... well, he's been kinda just there, in the background, not doing anything.

Thoughts on Chp 2:

Not much really happens here when compared to the last chapter but I did enjoy the Palkia and Dialge scene even if I could never understand the fandom's love of making them hate each other.

I have a couple questions regarding Zygarde's ability to mark other mons as their Champion. Like can other legendaries do this? Or is it just unique to Zygarde? What exactly does being a Champion mean? Will we get a scene where Antares does an epic transformation sequence and fuse with Zygarde?

And what is the hierarchy between the gods? Is it just merely Lesser Gods and Gods? Or are there Greater Gods? Is Arceus an Absolute God?

And what roles do the Mythicals (other than Arcues) play in this? Are they lesser Gods or are they more subordinates than anything?

Anywho, here's my line-by-line reactions:

Spoiler: Typos, thoughts and whatnot

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

I can hear the early 2019 Pokémon fans screaming about Natdexit right about now.

"Er, if I may ask… should we move somewhere more private?" A Girafarig asked

'A' shouldn't be capitalised.

"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly.

Again, 'A' should be capitalised since it's in a said tag.

"What?" He called in a quavery voice.

'He' shouldn't be capitalised.

"Don't do it, you bloody twat!" The Toxicroak yelled as he swatted at Markab.

'The' shouldn't be capitalised.

The Toxicroak dislodged his head from the hole in the wall. "Ugh, bastard! The hell did we tell ya 'bout roughhousing the rest of us?!"

Sheesh, seems like their trainer's gonna be paying for that.

"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.

The period in the dialogue should be a comma.

"What are you guys talking about?" A snide Luxray said

'A' shouldn't be capitalised.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

The final period in the dialogue should be a comma and 'He' shouldn't be capitalised.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.

The period in dialogue should be a comma.

Regulus grumbled "What.",

Looks like the comma got a bit too ahead of itself.

Graffias was as still as a Zen Darmanitan, eyes wide and watery. "No…"

Is he sensing the Cobalion's intent (If so then how?)? Or is he looking into the future (cause y'know, he's a Psychic and all)?

Cobalion said five words. "Silence. Humanity's end has come."

Hey, um, Charizard. Did you get that? Why-why are you just ignoring this? Hello?

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

And that just went from 0 to 100 real fast.

The trainer, however, remained oblivious.

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

So the two instances of 'The trainer' is a bit confusing as on the first usage, it's talking about Leon, and in the second usage, it's... probably talking their trainer?

I think it'll be better if you changed the second instance to 'Their trainer' so it's easier to tell who is who.

"Reshiram." He whispered,

Period change to comma and 'He' shouldn't be capitalised.

All except Vega, who'd gone running as fast as he could. He'd almost made it to where the smoke might have cleared up when he was struck by a beam of blue-orange energy. The Luxray stopped dead in his tracks, and fell to the ground in two halves, entrails spilling out.

Damn, this guy is more cowardish than his powerless trainer.

You can help paralyse her, ya dingus!

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead.

Methinks it's better if flame is plural, like 'crucible of flames' instead.

The trainer had died only a few minutes ago

Goodbye unnamed trainer, we barely know ye.

It felt as though all his vertebrae would be shattered at any moment.

I think 'could' sounds better instead of 'would'.

The impact left a noticeable burn mark on her chest, but other than that, there appeared to be no major damage.

So is that gonna stay on her or naw? And if it is, will it be a new weak point Antares can exploit in the future?

He was fully prepared to meet his end here. Perhaps he deserved it, for not doing enough to help everyone when he had every chance to--

At least you won't have 'abandoned your friends' labelled on your grave like a certain disgusting feline we know.

Without any prior indication of just how weak she was, Reshiram fell, her body hurtling towards the earth. Before she hit the ground, a massive, swirling pillar of flame consumed her. When it cleared, she too was gone.

So what's the damage? Is she near dead? Merely unconscious?

Oh and 'pillar of flame' should be 'pillar of flames'.

"Hm. How curious." They said

Final period in dialogue should be comma and 'They' shouldn't be capitalised.

which even with his barely-there conscious,

'Consciousness' sounds better instead of 'conscious'.

"It has taken long enough." They hissed

Period in dialogue should change to comma and 'They' shouldn't be capitalised.

"I don't think the severity of your disdain for everyone else makes a difference. But alright, I'll make this quick, then. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, but I've finally come up with a plan that'll get rid of Reshiram."

Zygarde fully turned to look at the Ampharos, and slithered towards him. "And what exactly does this 'plan' of yours entail?"

Yes, tell us your plan, Ampharos-that's-probably-from-PMD-but-I've-only-read-like-three-other-PMD:Infinity-stories-so-am-not-sure.

"How much of a fucking hypocrite do you have to be?" Zekrom growled, and jabbed a claw at Zygarde. "You're always going on about how much you hate all of the other gods, but now that I'm giving you a chance to kill one of them, you say it's not worth the effort?! Just what the hell do you think you're playing at, huh?!"

Relax, Zekrom. Zygarde is just like your typical writer who (including me) will always go about how great their stories will be but is too lazy to actually write it down.

"Heheh… one down, yeah? Who fucking knows how many more to go." Palkia muttered seemingly to himself.

Period in dialogue should change to comma.

"Don't get me wrong. Normally, I wouldn't dare do that. But, well, when you're one of the bastards that participated in humanity's extinction…" He shrugged with a smirk. "You get what you deserve, y'know? I think it's fair."

So, is there a reason why Dialga can't just reverse time or send Celebi back in time to prevent such a tragedy?

Palkia snorted. "Look at you, being the stupid one for once!

And you just admitted to be the dumb one of the duo.

Palkia celebrated with a small fist pump, and a quiet "Yes!".

Really shows how human-like these so called 'Gods' are.

Damn is this whole story just about their superiority complex, it feels like the Lesser Gods were just using 'mind-control' as excuses to eradicate humanity and set up their own mind-controlling cult.

Or...

Is there a 'Worship magic system' in play? (Ex: More worshipers= more power) 'cause that sounds like it'd make some sense in why they suddenly want humanity to die since most humans are probably into Arceuism or something and that the Weaker Gods want to overthrow Arceus and become stronger or whatever.

He swallowed his fear and mustered his courage to yell out, "

'the courage' feels like it'll flow better than 'his courage'

"That's no damn regular burn. That's a branding mark!" He hissed,

Branding mark? So other legendaries can do the same?

Oh and 'He' shouldn't be capitalised.

"The Father's gonna be real happy with this one." Kai muttered.

Reshiram's got a new sugar daddy? Is that why Zekrom's so mad at her?

This whole plot is just one big romance story about cheating and getting revenge, isn't it? /j

Oh and the period in dialogue should be changed to comma.

But other than that, the story seems pretty interesting and I could definitely see myself getting invested in this, seeing Antares take Reshiram down, uncovering the aftermath of the Reset and how humanity's extinction affects the world would be interesting (let's just hope the legendaries understand how nuclear physics work otherwise we're gonna be seeing some big 'boom-boom's happening down the road).

Anyways, take care and have a splendid day!

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, took a while, but I figured that I shouldn’t let the second half of my end of our review exchange sit any longer, especially since there’s an offsite review event that happens to be a good opportunity to get caught up with things. So I’ll just dive right into this thing with…

Part 1

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

Galar was often seen as a perfect starting region for many aspiring Pokémon trainers, thanks to its wide variety of Pokémon, and interesting league structure.

Its smallest town, Wedgehurst, was no different. Although there were no League matches to be held there, and not much in the way of Pokémon, most living in the region held it in regards as a great "first town". It was sparsely populated, as most had gone off on their Pokémon journeys.

Some hung around; mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers.

However, there were yet others…

I’m a little unsure about this opening since it feels rather boilerplate and it ends abruptly without giving a glimpse at these “others”. It might be worth taking another look over this to whether this can potentially be condensed and rolled into the “meat” of the story that comes after this opening narration more.

In a house a bit farther away from the main portion of the town…

A Pokémon trainer sat on a couch, dozing off, while his team were out of their pokeballs and spread out across the main room.

Yeah, IMO the entire last four paragraphs could’ve been condensed into something roughly like follows:

Even so, some of its locals hung around, mostly friends and family of the adventuring trainers. And then there were the others, like a Pokémon trainer who dozed off in a house further away from the main portion of town. He passed the time slumped over on a couch, as his team spread themselves out across the house’s main room.

And miss zero detail while not needing a hard scene break. Something to consider anyways.

"Er, if I may ask… should we move somewhere more private?" A Girafarig asked softly as he glanced over at a fight happening between a Gliscor and Toxicroak.

"Ah, you are aware that they mean no harm, my equine friend! We need not move from this spot," A Garchomp answered loudly. "As a matter of fact, I quite like the spot we are in now."

It might have made sense to introduce the team’s species before you had them start talking to each other. Since it’s admittedly a little weird to be discovering this on the fly in a hazily-described room right now.

Also this dialogue feels fairly stilted right now. Are the characters supposed to be this stiff and formal normally? Since I’ll admit, it threw me into quite a loop since there’s not a lot of people that would reflexively talk like this in casual conversation IRL.

"...Okay."

There was a loud THUD as the Gliscor slammed the Toxicroak's head into a wall.

… Good sign for how this team gets along with each other, really.

"Markab." A Venusaur said in a low voice.

The Gliscor, Markab, immediately tensed upon hearing his name called. "What?" He called in a quavery voice.

"You know what."

Markab: “I just want to make it clear that he started it-”
Venusaur:

Markab laughed nervously. "Hehe… that was nothing, me an' froggy here was just messin' around," He nudged the dazed Toxicroak with a pincer. "Right?"

Toxicroak:

Markab: “See? All just playful banter.” ^^;

The Toxicroak dislodged his head from the hole in the wall. "Ugh, bastard! The hell did we tell ya 'bout roughhousing with the rest of us?!"

Yeah, I figured that the Toxicroak wouldn’t be thrilled about this.

The Gliscor did his best approximation of a shrug. "I dunno, what?"

"Don't do it, you bloody twat!" The Toxicroak yelled as he swatted at Markab.

Markab: “Alright! Alright! Sheesh! Why’s everyone in this house such a killjoy?!” >_>;

The Gliscor smirked and glided out of reach. "Nyeh, piss off with all that, yeah? Ain't no fun when you can't even show everyone who's da boss 'round here."

The Venusaur glared at Markab, vines hanging in the air. "You'd best hope you're referring to me when you say 'da boss'."

[ ]

"Nyeh heh... o' course."

Might have been worth showing Markab’s smile slide off his face there as a little description thing. Though I’m surprised that nobody else is using names right now in their dialogue if these guys are meant to be close to each other, since that’d have been a fairly organic way of introducing those to the readers in live time.

The Girafarig exchanged a glance with the Garchomp as the two of them watched this confrontation.

"I told you."

… Wait, where are those two relative to all of this going on anyways? Since there’s not exactly a lot described about spatial positioning of these various Pokémon right now.

"Ah, fret not. 'Tis a trivial matter, and it shall be resolved shortly."

"Still, I'd prefer if we… maybe moved." he said as he shuffled his hooves around.

See the prior notes about the formal-sounding dialogue, since Girafarig sounds a lot more informal here than he did in his first line of dialogue.

"What are you guys talking about?" A snide Luxray said as he came over to the two, glancing between them.

I’ll admit, just flatly being told that the Luxray was snide kinda fell flat for me there as a reader. This snideness feels like something that you ideally want to show more in both dialogue and described mannerisms to the readers instead of just saying “A snide Luxray”

"Oh, n-nothing."

The Luxray hissed and said, "I wasn't born yesterday, you know. You're not talking about nothing. That's impossible. So, come on, spit it out."

The “That’s impossible” feels like a superfluous bit of dialogue coming from Luxray here. Though are the characters aside from Markab just not named or something? Since there’s a curious lack of names being thrown around between these different characters at the moment.

The Garchomp narrowed his eyes and glared at the Luxray. "What we discuss is none of your business. I should think that you would know such a thing, especially considering you've been part of this team for such a long time."

… I just realized, but this story is written in third person omniscient narration, yes? If so, is there a reason why little bits of team backstory aren’t being woven in right now? Like are there past trophies on the shelf? Does one of the Pokémon look back at their dozing trainer and get a dose of nostalgia? It just feels like this “you’ve been part of this team for such a long time” bit could’ve been carried a bit more without such a direct and blunt handling that would also give us a chance to know these characters a bit better.

"Who asked you, Scales?"

>giving your scaly teammate ‘Scales’ as a sarcastic nickname

Mon semblable! Mon frère!

That said, as a nickname, you probably want to capitalize it, since nicknames obey the same rules as more normal names for punctuation.

The Garchomp snarled and fully turned towards the Luxray, ready to pounce. The Girafarig put a hoof on the Garchomp's leg.

"Antares. Don't." He said as he shook his head.

Oh, so these guys do have names. … Even if I’m scratching my head a bit meta-wise as to why Antares didn’t get namedropped right at the opening.

Girafarig: “Trainer’s sleeping right now. It’d be kinda rude to wake him up for no good reason.” ^^;

The Luxray laughed mockingly. "Ah, the big dragon needs his boyfriend around to keep him in check."

Antares kept glaring at the Luxray.

Can’t tell if that’s the Luxray giving Antares crap or if Antares and Girafarig genuinely have feelings for each other.

The Girafarig took his hoof off of Antares's leg and shakily said, "N-No, that's… we're not together."

Okay, nevermind, they genuinely have feeling for each other.

"Ha, sure you're not. I bet you're just saying that so-- hrk!" The Luxray's sentence was cut off as a thick vine came and wrapped itself around his neck.

Boy does this team have some messed-up internal dynamics if the team leader is just casually choking uppity members of it.

"Vega. Leave them alone." The Venusaur rumbled as his vine dragged the Luxray away from the Girafarig and Antares.

"Ngh… fine." Vega muttered as the vine withdrew from his neck.

Vega: “Seriously, what the hell?! Couldn’t you have just pulled my tail like a normal starter?”

Venusaur:

Antares glanced over at the Girafarig. "My apologies for the interruption."

… Wait, are Vega and Venusaur still right there? Or did the two back off to give Antares and Girafarig more distance with each other?

"Huh? I don't know why you're apologizing, but… okay." He sighed as he glanced around the room, and gasped once he saw the clock. "Oh! It's almost time, let me wake up our trainer…"

I wonder if this should’ve been hinted at in passing in earlier dialogue or narration that they were to wake up their trainer at a fixed time as part of a routine or something. Since this feels like it’s coming a bit out of left field right about now.

… Though wait, why isn’t the trainer being namedropped here either? Is that meant to be a deliberate quirk about Pokémon? Since you’d think that if they call each other by names given by humans, that they’d similarly reflexively call their trainer by his name as well.

He walked slowly over to the sleeping trainer and nudged him. The trainer jolted awake, looking around before his gaze settled on Girafarig. He heaved out a sigh. "Damn, scared me. Thanks, Graffias." He chuckled as he patted the giraffe on the head.

Oh, so that’s Girafarig’s name. Though once again, I wonder why Antares didn’t just flatly call him that earlier on in this scene.

He stretched and announced, "Alright, guys, today's gonna be easy. We're just doing some training later. Got that?"

His team each affirmed.

"Awesome. So, let's, uh…" He faltered as his gaze landed on the hole in the wall.

- Cue everyone staring at Markab, who points a pincer at Markab -
Markab: “... It was his fault, really.”

Markab pushed himself away from the Toxicroak, glancing off to the side.

"Heh, guess you guys were too worked up, huh?" He shrugged as he stood. "Polaris, you need some healing, or are you good?"

Polaris, the Toxicroak, shook his head. "Nah."

I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting casual mutual intelligibility between humans and Pokémon in this setting, but noted then.

"Cool. Uh, what else… hey, Regulus, can you get the remote? Wanna see what's up with the rest of the region."

The Venusaur used his vine to grab the remote that lay in the far corner of the room, managing to press the power button as well.

And we have finally have a name for Venusaur as well. I’ll spare the obligatory criticism since I’ve made it several times by now, but… yeah.

The television turned on to show a news report about a legendary Pokémon being spotted in Wyndon.

It showed a crowd of people around the exterior of Wyndon Stadium. Champion Leon and his prized Charizard were there, too, waving to the crowd. Leon beckoned the legendary pokemon to come forward.

Trainer: “Heh, so Leon got to have a special guest for his tournament. You don’t see that every day.” ^^

A stag-like pokemon strode into frame, each step measured and precise. It possessed an air of regality that demanded awe and respect.

The trainer gasped and said, "Cobalion! Dude, that's awesome…" and then fell into awed silence as he continued watching the news report.

So, when does the other shoe drop given your track record of favoring dark and gritty stories anyways?

Antares wasn't paying attention to it, though, because on the news ticker, there was something horrible.

{MASS DESTRUCTION IN KANTO, HOENN; DEATH TOLL ESTIMATED IN THE MILLIONS}

Make that “really soon”, even if I wasn’t expecting the Pokémon to also be literate. Guess I should’ve expected that given that they can speak and understand human language.

Though I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more of a buildup to the sense that “something is wrong” in the background before this newscast kicks in, like emergency vehicles going by in the background or jets sortieing in the air. Like it’s a bit of a common trope in disaster media, but it does an effective job at selling a sense of growing tension before smacking readers in the face.

He turned to Graffias, whose eyes were firmly locked on the ticker headline. The giraffe was trembling as he kept looking.

Antares looked for anything else, but that was the only headline. It kept repeating. Over and over.

Wait, just Kanto? Since given that I’m pretty sure that you’re building up to Leon getting impaled by Coballion in about 30 seconds, I’m surprised that there wouldn’t be other bits of ominous news on the chyron such as various regions declaring states of emergency or abruptly going dark or the like. Or else even if it is just Kanto that is known about at the moment, you’d think there’d be other headlines related to it such as the government trying to contact expats in the region or the market tanking in live-time from a region going up in smoke or something like that.

He finally looked back up to the news report, and saw that the Champion was trying to talk to Cobalion.

It seemed to be going well, though Antares knew it was a one-way conversation. Humans did not understand Pokémon. They never did.

I… did not get that vibe at all from the way that the trainer was talking with his team. It might have made sense to emphasize a disconnect of some sort between what the Pokémon are saying and what the trainer is to sell the sense that “he doesn’t really understand us” more.

But despite that, Leon talked, on and on, about the region and the culture and…

Cobalion said five words. "Silence. Humanity's end has come."

Aaaaaaaand there it is. I suppose it’s time for the Wyndon Cup to painted a lovely shade of red. Though I have to wonder how on earth Cobalion got in there. Since if Cobalion had to fight his way into the stadium to begin with, you’d think he’d be more of a mess right now.

Antares shook as he quickly glanced around at the rest of the team.

Regulus grumbled "What.", while Vega's and Markab's jaws dropped. Polaris twisted his face in confusion; and Graffias…

Graffias was as still as a Zen Darmanitan, eyes wide and watery. "No…"

Trainer: “Wait, I don’t get it. Is this a prank of some sort? And why are you guys all looking like that anyways?”

The trainer, however, remained oblivious.

Oh. The trainer just flatly can’t understand Cobalion’s words. Though I have to wonder why the team is having this strong of a reaction unless if Cobalion is framing things in terms that they reflexively understand that something horrible is about to happen. Since you’d think that they’d be more befuddled about “Wait, huh? Humanity’s time is at an end? What does he mean by that?”

The mighty stag reared up, and slashed at the Champion. Leon's head separated from his body. Blood sprayed onto his Charizard, and onto Cobalion. A small pool was already forming where his head had landed.

Leon: “I’d say that I was having a champion time, but I’d be lying right now.” X_X

Once again, I have to wonder how on earth Cobalion got in here without having to slice and dice his way through dozens of security personnel beforehand and enter into the ring in a gory mess. Unless if he’s got some sort of teleportation ability, you’d think that he’d have to walk in here somehow.

The crowd screamed and dispersed, and the trainer likewise yelled in shock.

"Oh, shit!"

… Wait, how are the different teammates reacting to this as well anyways? Like are they flinching? Staring in shock? Or something else?

The camera remained where it was, though, likely as a result of the cameraman running off without it.

As a result, the broadcast still showed the following moments.

Leon's Charizard roared in fury and grief, before spewing a massive stream of flames from its maw.

And this is why you don’t allow the stranger Pokémon to get in between you and your trainer, Charizard.

Cobalion was unfazed, though, and galloped through the stream, ramming its antlers into the Charizard's stomach, getting drenched in blood, then slashing to the side, effectively disemboweling its opponent.

I kinda wonder if this would’ve had more dramatic impact from Cobalion taking a swing at Leon, missing, and then dispatching Charizard and Leon in reverse order from this as more of a forceful statement of “humanity is over, and if you try to help them, so are you” through the TV, but eh. Your story, your rules.

Charizard: “... Ow.” X_X

The great lizard fell, dead, and Cobalion trotted off-screen.

Cobalion on TV:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUEbWo1uIrg

The news ticker displayed the same headline as earlier.

What, no update about ‘Mass Casualty Event Reported in Wyndon Stadium, Galar League Champion Dead’? Since you’d think that the news would have a lot more to talk about than just Kanto at the moment since now the carnage has come close to home.

Or for that matter, why the TV broadcast hasn’t immediately cut out in favor of displaying something like:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUov6DRoQ_k

but obviously not a test since presumably someone in regional leadership is rapidly noticing that those events in Kanto aren’t staying in Kanto anymore.

Antares tore his gaze away from the screen. He slowly turned to look at everyone else.

Most everyone was frozen in shock. Graffias, though, was staring at the wall, trembling.

The giraffe suddenly whipped his head around, a terrified light in his eyes. "E-Everyone stay where you are!" He galloped over to where everyone else was gathered, and concentrated Psychic energy into manifesting a large barrier around the group.

I actually don’t understand how Graffias knows what’s going on here or what to do. Since there’s no real indication prior to this that there’s a widespread understanding among Pokémon that “if the gods get angy, they reserve the right to revoke humanity’s right to exist” that’s remotely hinted at prior to this point, even in passing dialogue or narration. Since in the absence of information otherwise such as news items on the chyron spelling out apocalyptic events rapidly headed south one town after the other towards Wedgehurst, there’s zero reason for anyone to assume that these freaky and disturbing events on the news aren’t a “Kanto and Wyndon” problem at the moment.

Like maybe Graffias sensed a strong presence approaching or something, but there’s no hint towards that at all from the narration or his dialogue.

Seconds later, the entire world seemed to quake, as a deep rumbling filled the silent air. Antares stumbled briefly under the intensity of the ground's shuddering, but quickly righted himself. He could distantly hear the sounds of various objects crashing to the floor as the earthquake continued.

Which is a totally natural earthquake, I’m sure.™

Then it was over as abruptly as it had begun. Silence once again. Almost everyone remained exactly where they were, still too stunned from the murders they had seen to do much of anything else.

Graffias just shook his head, eyes wide. "That wasn't it."

Antares: “Wait, wasn’t what? Graffias, what the hell is going on-?”

There was only the faintest woosh of air, then everything around the barrier was blown away in a massive explosion, flames consuming whatever had remained standing.

It only took a simple glance outside to figure out what was going on.

A titanic white dragon was soaring through the sky, dropping massive fireballs and flamethrowers upon the surrounding area.

Ah yes, a giant alien dragon thingy of doom coming along to lazor your everything out of existence. Lovely. Cue the theme music for this moment:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKCuAJdvynU


Though I stand by my recommendation that it might have merited showing “ominous background event” in the neighborhood going on like fire trucks racing off towards whatever direction Reshiram is coming from, since you’d think that they’d be torching a lot along the way.

Antares' breath hitched in his throat as he stared out at the destruction, and the one causing it. A Pokémon only known through myths, one who was said to appear only to those who would wish for, and work towards, a world of truth.

"Reshiram." He whispered, both in awe and in fear simultaneously.

Technically, myths also say that Resh appears to torch the kingdoms of people who “ignore truth and let themselves become consumed by greed”. Even if Antares obviously didn’t read that one.

Though I kinda wonder if you could’ve gone harder with the whole “end of the world” vibe like looking out to see the charred husk of the neighborhood or hear screams and sirens in the background or something like that, since everyone’s literally alive right now thanks to Graffias while much of the street presumably looks like something straight out of Threads right after Sheffield got nuked.

The mythical dragon's flight path abruptly changed course, so that it was now heading straight towards the group.

Graffias whimpered, and squeaked out in a trembling voice, "M-My barrier won't be able to protect us from anything else… we're gonna have to run."

Antares: “Graffias, everything around us is on fire!” >.<
Graffias: “Th-Then dig or something! Th-The point is that we really need to get out of here right now!”

Antares stared at the white dragon of myth as it rapidly descended from the skies. He was only vaguely aware of Regulus trying his best to relay what was going on to the trainer.

Then came Graffias' slightly less shaky voice, "O-Okay… one… two… run!"

… Wait, to where? Considering that the entire rest of the house and presumably a good chunk of the surrounding area was just set on fire and is now smoldering rubble, just what cover is there to run to at the moment that won’t just get torched by the giant wolf-derg that now has you firmly in their crosshairs.

On his word, everyone scattered, getting out of the destroyed house however they could. Antares settled for simply flying over the rubble.

… Did they just abandon their trainer to his fate there, or…? Since it’s not exactly mentioned that any of them took their trainer along.

Everyone regrouped just outside, only seconds before Reshiram itself landed in front of them, shaking the earth to its core upon impact.

"...Abandon your 'trainer', and you all shall be spared."

Markub: “Okay, sounds good to me-”
Antares: “Markub!” >.<
Markub: “What, it’s not like you were described stopping to grab him before flying off!” >_>;

Silence... for only a few moments.

Markab spat on the floor before saying, "Th'fuck you just say to us?! Y'think we're fuckin' fools, eh? We ain't leavin' Zach here, no fuckin' way in hell."

Well, that’s certainly more loyal than I was expecting from Markub given his troublemaking vibes. Guess he does have some admirable qualities to him. Though I see Zach’s do refer to him by his name, or some Pokémon version of it. Which makes it weird that the gang refer to him so impersonally earlier on.

Regulus glared at Markab, then turned an equally icy gaze to Reshiram. "Apologies for the crude language. We will not be leaving our trainer," He crouched slightly, vines hanging in the air. "And you are mistaken if you think we will surrender to you."

I’m surprised at how composed that Regulus is being here given that the neighborhood just got torched and that he doesn’t need a moment to snap himself out of shock and steel himself against a foe that he surely knows that he has little-to-no-chance of defeating in combat.

Reshiram's piercing blue eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Very well. Perish, then, like the mindless slaves you are."

Markub: “U-Um, can I take that earlier banter back right about now-” O.O

Flames burst forth from all directions, smothering the air in smoke and darkness.

Antares could no longer see any of the sky nor sun, but was still able to see everything on the ground quite clearly. He looked around to see that everyone had scattered and were all now trying their best to fight off Reshiram.

Antares: “Well, at least we didn’t all just get incinerated right there, so… progress?” ^^;

All except Vega, who'd gone running as fast as he could. He'd almost made it to where the smoke might have cleared up when he was struck by a beam of blue-orange energy. The Luxray stopped dead in his tracks, and fell to the ground in two halves, entrails spilling out.

Even if I wouldn’t have reflexively assumed Reshiram to be rocking attacks that would have laser effects. What on earth did they hit Vega with anyways?

Antares gaped at the sight. He'd… just watched someone die. He hadn't even really considered Vega a friend, but seeing such a gruesome thing done to anyone…

… Wait, how is Zach not freaking out about this in live-time right now since he’s presumably right there to see Vega get bisected and (literally) go to pieces?

Reshiram turned to Regulus next.

The Venusaur snarled as he looked up at his certain death, his vines thrashing in the air. The bulbous tips of his vines glowed purple, and both of them wrapped around one of Reshiram's legs, burrowing deep beneath her scales and fur. She roared as the toxins worked their way through her blood.

Oh, so Reshiram is female in this setting. Noted then, since authors are pretty all over the board about gendering the Taos writ large.

Polaris came running, leaping and stabbing his poisonous claws into the legendary Pokémon's other leg. He stayed latched on for a solid few seconds, before dramatically leaping off, doing flips in the air, leaving two holes in the legendary's leg that his poison now leaked out of. He landed next to Regulus and exhaled deeply, bouncing on his toes.

"Bloody tough one, this is."

Would recommend splitting off Polaris’ dialogue from the rest of paragraph. Though how is nobody having any reaction to Vega’s right now, even if it’s just a brief moment of shock.

The legendary dragon stared down at them, collecting a mass of fire within her maw, before opening her mouth and spewing flames directly at the two of them. Polaris was quick enough to be able to flip out of the way. Regulus was not. He stood his ground and did not let out even a grunt as he was consumed by the flames. When the flames died down, nothing recognizable remained of the stalwart Venusaur.

Regulus: “I’ve heard of a spitfire, but this is ridiculous!” X_X
Antares: “Oh my gods this is not going well right now.”

Antares, deciding he'd seen two deaths too many, flew up to Reshiram's neck from behind, and grabbed onto her scales, sinking his claws and fangs deep into her neck, drawing out massive amounts of golden blood. The legendary Pokémon lurched, and then Antares found himself within the middle of a blazing inferno. Thankfully, he was resistant to the divine flames, thanks to his Dragon-typing.

… Wait, is Zach just lying passed out in a corner or something right now? Since he’s kinda been a nonentity in all of this since the house was torched, while Markub’s dialogue implied that he was alive at least. Since if Zach is conscious for all of this, you’d think that he’d be reacting more to seeing his team get picked off one-by-one, while if he’s passed out, you’d think there’d be more acknowledgement that the others are desperately trying to shield him and keep him safe from the giant dragon of legend with attacks that inherently cause a ton of collateral.

Despite the crucible of flame, he clung on, wanting nothing more than to have Reshiram dead. Antares was doused in her blood by now, horribly warm and sticky and disgusting. He blinked it out of his eyes, and continued his feral assault.

… How is Antares still standing right now given that Reshiram’s fire was strong enough to burn Regulus to an unrecognizable ash heap? Like you’d think that at a minimum even with a type advantage that he’d likely be badly burned and fighting against serious wounds at the moment to go to town on Reshiram.

Elsewhere, Graffias was bombarding the legendary Pokémon with whatever he could find within the remains of burned homes. His trainer hid behind him, with Markab also nearby.

Oh, there’s Zach right now. Er… yeah, you kinda need to have more explicit acknowledgement in the narration and plot of where Zach is, since there was no mention at all that he was sticking close to Graffias for safety.

The Gliscor hissed. "I'm goin' at 'em. Don't ya try n' stop me, y'hear?"

Graffias' concentration was broken, the pink glow of Psychic energy around his horns fading away. "Wh-What?! No, you can't! You'll die!"

Markab smirked. "Heh, yeah. Ain't no better way I can go out."

Markab: “Graffias, have you bothered looking at the neighborhood right now? The only one of us who’s got a chance at getting out of this alive with Zach is Antares if those jet-speed flights of Garchomp aren’t just a bunch of Pokédex nonsense.” >_>;
Graffias: “Just saying, I think I liked you more when you were cowardly and interested in self-preservation earlier.” O_O;
Markab: “Well tough luck, since that wasn’t canon.”

Polaris ran up to the small group, panting. "Shit, we're alright for now. I saw Antares distracting her, but who knows how much time that ballsy bastard'll buy us."

I’m guessing “next to none” since if Reshiram so much as gets Antares stuck under rubble, she’ll catch up really quickly with the rest of the group here.

Markab clicked his pincers, then gave a lopsided smile to Polaris. "I was plannin' on goin' up next… after ol' scaly bites the dust, o' course. I mean, he's a tough bastard, f'sure, but… no chance for him livin'. Anyways, y'think ya'd wanna come with? One last little bit o' fun…?"

Graffias: “Oh my gods, you two! Listen to yourselves! How in the hell do you expect me to defend Zach all on my own like this?!”

Markab: “... You could fly off into the sunset with your boyfriend while Polaris and I do a last stand?”

Polaris: “Yeah, after seeing Vega and Regulus bite it, I’m pretty sure that things were quickly moving in that direction, Graffias. Might as well face the inevitable with dignity.”

Polaris stared at the Gliscor for a few seconds, before sighing and offering his own resigned smile.

"Why the hell not?"

He glanced over at where Antares was still savagely attacking Reshiram. [ ]

"Hmm. Maybe if we go now, we might be able to take her out? I mean, fuck's sake, she's pouring more blood from her neck than any of us have in our whole bodies."

re: the underlined:

Would recommend breaking this paragraph up and expanding the part with Antares attacking Reshiram to work in more detail than what’s presently there. Especially since the state of battle is such that it emboldens these two to take a swing at Reshiram.

"...Y'might be right with that! Fuckin' hell, ya genius! C'mon, then!" Markab sped off, taking to the skies, Polaris following on foot.

Famous last words there, even if Markub and Polaris both already realize that themselves.

Graffias trembled as he watched them go. He knew he couldn't have stopped them if he'd tried. They wouldn't have listened. He turned to his trainer, who'd been rendered speechless this entire time. "I know you don't understand me... I'm so sorry." He turned to watch the rest of the carnage.

I feel as if that should’ve been established earlier in a moment where Zach goes into silent shock at some point of the battle and gets spirited out of scene or something, since it’d have made the lack of reaction from him a lot less jarring to read.

Markab soared high, roughly level with Reshiram's head. He fired off a few razor-sharp solidified blades of air. They did little more than annoy the legendary Pokémon, judging by how her eyes snapped towards him and narrowed.

He turned to gain more distance, when he was hit by something massive, sending him crashing to the ground. [ ]

He attempted to get up, but caught sight of a massive shadow looming over him; he knew this was the end. The Gliscor locked eyes with Polaris, who was watching in horror, knowing there was nothing he could do. Markab gave his only friend one last smile.

"Heh… thanks for all the fun times."

I would recommend splitting this paragraph up and describing more the sensation of Markab getting swatted out of the air and crashing and what that feels like / looks like to see since things were really hazy and a lot less visceral than they could’ve been.

Reshiram's foot came down upon the Gliscor, crushing and splattering him against the ground.

Markab: “... Ow.” X_X
Reshiram: “Aren’t you supposed to be a pancake right now? Be quiet!”

Polaris fell to his knees, unable to take his eyes off of the puddle of blood that used to be his friend. He didn't move even when one of Reshiram's wings came down, scooping him up within the massive claws that rested atop it. Even as the legendary Pokémon's maw opened, he didn't resist. All he could muster was a weak "Just do it already." before his top half was severed from his bottom half by Reshiram's fangs.

I didn’t peg Polaris as being the type who would shut down here since he vibed as being ready to face a hopeless fight alongside Markab. If you want to twist the knife harder, it might make sense to play up the sense of him BSODing after seeing Markab get gooshed and then freezing up until it’s too late to do anything other than go down swinging before he gives up.

Antares had slowed his attack by now, his energy far too low for such a fight. He still weakly clung on to Reshiram's scales, a fine layer of fur matted with her own blood. Reluctantly, he released his grip and flew away, so high up that the air was much clearer than it was below. He needed this breather. Antares was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice the sky rapidly darkening with storm clouds until a clap of thunder startled him out of his musings. He looked around to find the entire sky dark.

Oh, so Zekrom’s coming too, huh? Guess the Taos just decided to go “screw that town” to Wedgehurst in particular. Though this is admittedly the reason why I thought it might have made sense to have more “ominous headline” diversity for the news chyrons. Since if you had something like “Blackout and communications failure in Motostoke amid strong thunderstorms” and “Freak chain of wildfires spreading rapidly north of Freezington towards Postwick area” would have gone a long way to foreshadowing the arrival of both Taos such that their arrivals are less abrupt without giving away the game of just how serious the situation is until the headline about Kanto drops.

"This… should not be possible. How…?"

Lightning struck again, and with it the booming thunder. Antares shook his head. He needed to get back in there and save whoever was left. He flew in a loop a few times, mostly to burn off the blood that still stuck to him. Once he was satisfied, he dove back down to where all of the death and destruction was.

How on earth was your number one priority after seeing Vega and Regulus drop not immediately to grab Zach and run given that you were all hopelessly in over your heads?

Graffias was powerless in Reshiram's grasp. Even as he thrashed and squirmed, he knew there was no escaping. The trainer had died only a few minutes ago, the fire's smoke flooding his lungs and suffocating him. Thus, Graffias was the only survivor… him and Antares, wherever he was.

I did not get that impression at all from the narration. Like there’s no hints at all that Zach’s quiet is unnatural and not definitively from shock. You probably want to build this up a bit more, since there wasn’t even an indication prior to this point that Graffias was in danger with Reshiram right now since we don’t even get a cry of fright or something like that to turn Antares back towards him such that he has the “Oh crap, Graffias!

” moment of panic as he realizes that things are rapidly falling apart.

Antares breached the smoke line and saw Graffias within the legendary Pokémon's hold. He flew even faster, hoping he could make it in time–

Narrator: “He won’t make it back in time.”

Graffias choked as a horrible pressure was put on his neck. It felt as though all his vertebrae would be shattered at any moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Antares desperately trying to reach him. The Girafarig managed a weak smile, and rasped out,

"I'm sorry."

Antares: “Graffias, no! Hang in there, please!”

Antares watched Reshiram flick her wing, and with it Graffias' neck bent in a completely wrong direction, the cracking of his bones audible.

Antares:

Reshiram:

Antares had failed to save anyone. That much was obvious. The town, possibly the region, and maybe even all regions lay in ruin. However, there was always hope. He still had hope that he could do something good. He could kill the legendary Pokémon that caused all of this death. Yes, that would do it.

Reshiram:

Antares: “I will, damn it! For Graffias! A-And Zach! And everyone you just killed!”

Zekrom: “What am I, chopped liver?”

He turned his gaze towards Reshiram, seeing the blood flowing from her neck, and the poison infecting her legs, turning parts of them a deep purple. Antares was proud of what everyone had done, and now it was his job to finish this. He needed to be up higher, though; he might have been able to resist those flames for a long time, but even he had his limits. His innards burned as though a hot metal rod had been shoved through them.

inb4 Zekrom just casually struts in and flicks him out of the sky.

Quickly, he dove towards Reshiram and slashed her across the face, drawing out more of that bizarre golden blood. He then ascended as rapidly as possible, and was almost relieved to hear Reshiram roaring amidst the deafening wingbeats that signaled her following him into the clearer air.

Should’ve cut and run while you could’ve, Antares.

Once he was clear of the smoke, and he was able to clearly see the storm clouds, he stopped and waited. Reshiram appeared only seconds later, though Antares was pleased to take notice of how her wingbeats were slowing, and her eyes were dull. She was weak.

Zekrom: “You rang, bro?”
Antares: “Please no.”

He rushed in to do as much damage as he could, but was enveloped by a massive fiery beam of blue-orange energy. It stung at his scales as though he were being stabbed by a million knives. He gritted his teeth and endured, firing a beam of his own once the attack stopped. It struck Reshiram directly, and she was sent backwards a few inches. The impact left a noticeable burn mark on her chest, but other than that, there appeared to be no major damage.

Zekrom: “... Resh, do you want me to step in right about now, or…?”
Reshiram: “Actually, I’m not sure if you’re even supposed to be here right now. The storm clouds kinda gave me the impression you were, but it was kinda vague now that I think about it.”

Antares moved in again, but was quickly consumed by another beam from Reshiram. He continued moving through the beam, slashing wildly at her once he was close enough. Reshiram returned the favor in kind, gouging deep claw marks across Antares' body, his own crimson blood flowing freely.

Antares: “... Ow.” X_X

He was fully prepared to meet his end here. Perhaps he deserved it, for not doing enough to help everyone when he had every chance to--

Without any prior indication of just how weak she was, Reshiram fell, her body hurtling towards the earth. Before she hit the ground, a massive, swirling pillar of flame consumed her. When it cleared, she too was gone.

She’s not really dead, is she?

Antares could have stopped to ponder this, but he too swayed and fell from the sky, his injuries far too dire for any regular Pokémon to handle.

He knew nobody would save him, of course not, there was nobody left.

Antares: “In retrospect, I should’ve taken Graffias’ advice of taking Zach and running.” @.@

But something did. Antares was only inches above the ground, and yet he was suspended as though held up by an invisible force, which… perhaps he was.

Consciousness beginning to slip, he looked around as best as he could, and found only an Ampharos looking at him.

Antares: “I’m sorry, but what the actual-?”

"Hm. How curious." They said before releasing Antares from whatever invisible force had been holding him.

They then proceeded to pick up Antares, which even with his barely-there conscious, knew a regular Ampharos should not have been able to do.

Antares: “I’m a full half height taller than you and weigh about as much more! How on earth are you doing this?!” @.@
Ampharos:

"...I suppose I should take this one to…" The Ampharos trailed off into muttering to himself, whatever it was Antares couldn't hear.

After a few seconds, the Ampharos glanced down at Antares. "You must be curious. About me, I mean." A small smile played on his mouth. "Well, you shouldn't worry about that right now."

Antares:

As soon as he finished speaking, the ground rumbled; a deep, bone-shaking sound that might have indicated an earthquake. Clearly, that wasn't it, because Antares' mysterious savior did not care at all.

His savior walked forward, and suddenly was walking at an angle. Antares turned his head agonizingly slowly, and saw only a sloping path leading to darkness.

Antares: “Wh-What the hell just happened to me there?”

"Don't worry. You'll be safe. I've made sure of that."

Antares' strength finally gave out, and he fell into unconsciousness.

Antares: “... Ow.” @.@
Ampharos: “Rest up, Antares. You’ve got a big story ahead of you.”

Alright, made it to the end of this chapter. I can see what you were going for with this chapter, and I like the overall premise, but there were a lot of execution fumbles that kept things from hitting as strongly as they could’ve. But there will be plenty of time to get into those fumbles, so let’s start by addressing this first chapter’s strengths.

I thought that you did a good job at selling the sense of a trainer’s world coming apart violently and abruptly. Like it starts as just a normal day for everyone with normal banter, and then halfway through, the entire street gets blown away in a firestorm. I also liked the sense of mounting loss and desperation on balance comes through in the sequence with Antares and his teammates fighting a losing battle with Reshiram, as their goals progressively transform from protecting each other and Zach to simply not going quietly into the night as things whittle little by little down to Antares being the last ‘mon standing.

I also liked the way the Ampharos from another world was dealt with. He was a bit out of left field, but he carries enough of a sense of mystery and strangeness to him that it just gets you interested in how on earth he’s working and what his game is. Which I suppose is as good an ending note to send off your first chapter on, since it gets the audience curious about those things and interested in coming back to the next chapter for answers.

In terms of those aforementioned fumbles, on the smaller end, you have a number of small bits of awkward wording and the like that could be smoothed out with a once-over. I also noticed that you had a habit for beating around the bush for introducing plot-important terms and elements. In general, you don’t want to do that unless there’s very specific plot reasons for that like a character reveal. Like there’s not really any good reason either for the character dialogue or the narration itself to reveal the names of Zach and his full team of six as early as possible in the story, since it both gets the readers accustomed to the cast and sells the sense that they’re close to each other.

There’s a couple of consistency issues in this chapter for different things. Like Antares’ speech pattern starts super formal and stiff, but by the end of the chapter, he’s speaking normally and casually. The damage scaling is also a bit inconsistent in the battle with Reshiram. Antares is able to take multiple hits from Reshiram including one that literally bisected a teammate that is probably type-strong against him, while literally all of his teammates get dispatched with one attack or else something that’s not even a proper attack like in Markab or Graffias’ cases. You probably either want to make Antares’ teammates more durable, or else make him just as frail but better able to dodge square hits thanks to his mobility as a Garchomp, which could even be something he starts to lose as he gets more injured, but unless if there’s plot reasons for it, there’s no reason why Antares should get plot armor to the point that he’s surviving things that swiftly kill his teammates.

For deeper structural issues, you need more description in general, since there were a number of parts where I didn’t either pick up on what was going on or got the wrong impression of what was going on thanks to lack of description or ambiguity. One example that I can think of offhand is how some parts of the battle of Reshiram read a bit stiff since we don’t get that much insight into how the characters are feeling things as they get hit and frantically bob and weave around for their lives. Like Zach effectively goes missing from the moment the house gets blown away and we don’t get an idea of where he is until an after the fact mention that Graffias pulled him to safety and tried to shelter him. That’s fine if your scene is fixed to one specific character’s perspective, but that wasn’t how your chapter was written when I read it, and it felt jarring as a result. Things being a bit lacking in description also undercut a few moments. Like Zach’s neighborhood effectively becomes a burnt-out hellscape upon the arrival of Reshiram, but there’s no real moment where we get to see everyone looking out in shock at the burnt out houses and cars all around them even though the battle is written assuming the neighborhood is in such a state. As a result, it takes away some of the punch that the scene would’ve otherwise had.

Lastly, you need more buildup to your events, since there’s a number of things that feel like they come abruptly out of left field because they don’t have sufficient buildup, like Reshiram’s arrival or Zach being dead all along from shortly after his neighborhood was burned away. Like it’s not exactly rare in apocalypse fiction, but the whole “creeping sense that something is wrong before the apocalypse smashes into your face” is a common trope for a reason precisely because when done well, it builds tension towards the big moment very effectively. Like something like the team seeing or hearing fire trucks racing past the house in the background towards Postwick or Motostoke before Zach wakes up or slipping in a few ominous but not obviously “world-ending” chyrons in the newsticker related to events in Galar before revealing Kanto’s having a normal one would go a long way towards that. You could even go a step further and apply the same process from Leon’s beheading on, like the broadcast cutting out to an emergency message shortly afterwards, and some sign visible out the window of Reshiram’s imminent arrival such as smoke plumes suddenly rising up on the opposite edge of town before Graffias’ psychic abilities pick up on Reshiram’s presence and he freaks out or something like that. In general, “reveals” of this sort of nature need a couple hints such that even if you overlook them the first time while reading, they become apparent looking back. Have too few of them, and you risk things seeming abrupt since the narrative didn’t ramp up to get to that point enough.

Sorry if this feedback wasn’t quite what you hoped to hear, but you’re early on in this story, so as such, it’s a bit less painful to do a course correction and if the fancy strikes you, to go back and retrofit your earlier chapters to smooth out the rough edges. For what it’s worth, I do think that underneath the hiccups, you have a premise with a lot of potential @AbraPunk , and I wish you the best of luck with realizing it.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, back to round out the rest of our review exchange with a review of Part 2 of The Hero of Another Story. After how fiery (har har) the opening chapter got, I suppose that it’s about time to check in and see what comes next in this story’s newly unsettled world.

Part 2

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

The Ampharos strode through the winding tunnels, with a concentrated sphere of pure electricity as his light source. Of course, now that he didn't have someone to be carrying around, it was much easier to move, or do anything, really.

After what could have been either minutes or hours, he finally reached his destination.

Wait, so what on earth happened to Antares, then? Is he just following Ampharos around from behind?

Ahead of him was an opening that led into a massive, spacious chamber. Rounded-out, much like the rest of the tunnel network. In the center of the chamber, a massive black and green serpent sat with their back turned to the Ampharos, and as their scales gently pulsed, the room was tinted neon green.

Ohai, Zygarde. Fancy seeing you here.

The Ampharos dismissed his electricity sphere. It dissolved, and the energy that had been contained within it flowed into his body.

He steeled himself before he called out to the serpent, "Zygarde, I wish to speak with you."

I have so many questions as to how on earth any of this is possible, though I suppose I should be less surprised that Ampharos would’ve had friends in high places given that he was a bit peculiar in his appearance in Chapter 1.

There was no indication that he had been heard.

Wow, someone’s a “cold-shoulder” type there.

He sighed before trying again. "It concerns the one I brought into your realm some time ago."

Wait, so Zygarde has a “realm” that Ampharos brought Antares into? How long has it been since the end of the last chapter? .-.

Zygarde turned their head slightly, and their scales stopped glowing. "Have you come to inform us that you are removing him from our realm?"

"No."

Cue the disappointed hiss in 3… 2..

"Then you have no reason for being here. Leave."

Well, not quite a disappointed hiss, but yeah. I kinda figured from that line of dialogue that Zygarde wasn’t fond of Antares being a roomie.

[ ]

"That's not happening. Look, I know you don't like me, or… any of the others--"

"That is a severe understatement."

I would throw in some body language from the Ampharos here to being chastened by Zygarde in live time, since you’ve got a lot of bare dialogue without description so far.

"I don't think the severity of your disdain for everyone else makes a difference. But alright, I'll make this quick, then. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, but I've finally come up with a plan that'll get rid of Reshiram."

… Wait, Reshiram’s still alive after all of that in Chapter 1? And everything that happened is because of her? .-.

Zygarde fully turned to look at the Ampharos, and slithered towards him. "And what exactly does this 'plan' of yours entail?"

"It's simple. You might not like it, but you're going to be involved in this. First, you'll need to claim the mortal as your Champion--"

Wait, but why are you not just deleting Reshiram from existence with something like Thousand Arrows and calling it a day? Since Zygarde aren’t exactly weaklings in terms of BST or canonical power sets.

"We refuse."

Ampharos:

“Zygarde, I don’t think you understand the severity of the current situation…”

The Ampharos paused for several seconds, then sighed deeply. He could already feel a spark of rage coursing through him.

"Listen. You hate everyone. That's all you ever talk about. So, wouldn't it be logical for you to want to help kill some of the others?"

Boy is that more than a little worrisome about what Zygarde is like and what ‘stopping Reshiram’ is going to entail.

"We 'hate' most, not all, of our fellow gods. You should learn the distinction. And if we are to eliminate others, we shall do so in our own way, and at our own discretion."

Since you’d think that the other gods would be cognizant that Zygarde hates their guts and want to pre-emptively take him off the board. Though yeah, this sounds like Antares is getting teed up to become a pitbull for something that might wind up having potentially world-ending consequences.

The Ampharos gritted his teeth.

Fuck this.

In a blinding flash of light, he shed his mortal disguise and now stood before Zygarde in his true divine form: a colossal, muscular black dragon. The air crackled and hummed with electricity, and bolts of lightning danced around him.

Oh, so Zekrom really was there while Reshiram was torching Wedgehurst, huh? Though yeah, that has me feeling really good about that vibe that aligning with Zygarde is going to lead to problems since I doubt that Zygarde wants to stop Reshiram for entirely altruistic reasons.

"How much of a fucking hypocrite do you have to be?" Zekrom growled, and jabbed a claw at Zygarde. "You're always going on about how much you hate all of the other gods, but now that I'm giving you a chance to kill one of them, you say it's not worth the effort?! Just what the hell do you think you're playing at, huh?!"

Zygarde: “Zekrom, piss off and deal with your inter-trio spats yourself. You did this once before in the past, so what’s another time?” >_>;

Zygarde was silent for several seconds. Finally, they answered, "We are not 'playing at' anything. You simply fail to comprehend our actions."

Translation: “Zygarde doesn’t feel like it and wants to stay comfy in his cave.”

Zekrom snarled and lunged at Zygarde, then wrapped his claws around their neck and squeezed with as much might as possible.

Zygarde: “I’d like to remind you that your electricity will do bupkis to me right now-”
Zekrom: “Good thing that I can rock dragon attacks that you can feel, huh?” >:|

"I'm not failing to comprehend anything. I see the truth, and I see you for what you are: nothing more than a selfish, pathetic excuse for a god. Understand this." He drew his arms in, and thus dragged Zygarde closer to him. "You will not squander my chance at freedom."

Wait, how is Zekrom doing this if Zygarde is in 50% Forme or above, since Zygarde is physically larger than Zekrom in those Formes. .-.

Zygarde was completely still, even as Zekrom's claws pierced their scales, causing droplets of their golden blood to seep out.

Oh, so the golden blood thing is a constant of Legendaries in general, huh? Though the fact that Reshiram is still alive seems to indicate that they can take crazy amounts of punishment.

After a short while, there was a squelching noise, and a writhing tentacle covered in small barbs appeared behind Zygarde. It shot out and wrapped itself around Zekrom's neck. He hissed in pain as the barbs dug through his scales and made his own golden blood drip out.

Zygarde: “Zekrom, don’t make me break out my full power and smear you against the cave ceiling. I spent ages getting it neat and presentable.”

Zygarde tilted their head slightly. "If your link to Reshiram did not prevent you from doing so, then we presume…?" Their layered, echoing voice was seemingly completely unaffected by the claws in their throat.

Zekrom grunted struggling to get his words out as the tentacle coiled tighter against his throat with the effort of speaking while being asphyxiated. "Would have been-- hrgh-- dead, thousands of years ago, yes."

I get the feeling that every time Arceus gets summoned to this world over Legendary drama, he promptly sticks his head in, goes:

And then promptly pops back out to his private realm. Since boy is that a poor omen for what Legendaries’ internal culture is like in this setting given that these two are casually making each other bleed over a disagreement.

Zygarde stared at Zekrom for several seconds. The tentacle that choked Zekrom released its grip on him, and withdrew back into Zygarde. In response, Zekrom took his claws away from Zygarde, and one of his hands flew to his own throat to apply pressure to the puncture wounds, as he took deep gulping breaths.

I mean, I could’ve told you that picking a fight with a Zygarde was a bad idea, Zekrom. Just saying.

I do wonder if you should’ve switched out at least one of the ‘Zekrom’s either with a pronoun or alternative term for him, though. Since something about that many instances in rapid succession feels a bit repetitive.

Another several seconds, perhaps closer to a minute, went by. "Is this why your plan requires our aid?" Zygarde inquired, completely unfazed by what had just happened.

Zekrom grunted in affirmation and removed his hand from his throat as the wounds gradually closed up.

Wait, what is the “this” there? A link with Reshiram? Or something else? Since this feels a bit vague here.

"We did not allow you to elaborate upon your plan." Zygarde leaned forward almost imperceptibly. "We assume that you will leave us in peace after you explain it?"

"...Yes."

Zekrom: “(... Starting to think that I should’ve gone off and tried to recruit Lugia or something like that.)”

"Very well. Explain."

"My plan is this: You'll make the mortal your Champion, then he'll find Reshiram-- or you can find her for him-- and then, with your combined strength, you'll kill her."

Zygarde: “That’s seriously your plan?”

Zekrom: “Look, it’s an elevator pitch, okay? We can go over the details more fully later.” >_>;

"...Intriguing. Now, leave. We must think about this."

"And I'm glad to leave at this point." Zekrom huffed before he turned and walked away.

I kinda wonder if there should’ve either been more expounded on plan-wise or else Zekrom should’ve given some indication that there would be further steps that would come later but this needed to happen first. Since, uh… this feels really simplistic for a plan to kill off a rampaging goddess that just casually torched an entire town and killed untold thousands.

While on the way back to where the mortal lay unconscious, he shifted back into his own mortal form.

I don't think the mortal would take too well to having a god divine being be the first thing he sees when he wakes.

That now makes me morbidly curious as to how Antares would’ve reacted to seeing Zekrom in the flesh. And I’m just now realizing that his disguise as an Ampharos was incredibly appropriate thematically since by at least some definitions, it is literally an electric dragon in the same way that Zekrom is.

He paused mid-step.

...Come to think of it, he's been out for a long time. ...I suppose I can only hope he wakes up soon.

He continued on his way.

Wait, so how long has it been since the events of Chapter 1 anyways? Since I didn’t really get a firm feeling for whether it’s been hours, or days, or a longer period of time at this rate.

Several weeks later…

Well, that’s quite a timeskip ahead. Though I presume that Antares woke up a while back?

Zygarde sat in their chamber and contemplated over what to do.

They would not be the one responsible for the mortal. Despite what Zekrom wished, Zygarde had no plans to work alongside anyone, whether mortal or god.

… Wait, is Antares still in a coma? If so, how on earth is he not dead after several weeks of being out without something like a feeding tube and/or IVs hooked into him? Since a body’s biological process don’t stop even if its consciousness does.

Though… perhaps they could pass the burden off to another… yes, that would do nicely. Zygarde would no longer have to put up with Zekrom's pestering, and Zekrom himself would get his plan fulfilled. An ideal situation for both of them.

Since, you know, this sounds like an absolutely terrible idea that will wind up backfiring in some fashion.

Zygarde knew of two gods who would be most likely to accept the burden, for one reason or another.

They cleared their mind, and sent a mental summon to the two gods, which consisted of only four words: Come to the Council.

I wonder if there should’ve been more of a hint as to who these two gods were, though… ‘the Council’, huh? I take it that that’s not the same place as the cave he’s been chilling in all this time?

Zygarde teleported away to the Council realm.

Yep, not the same place as his cave, noted in that case.

Once they arrived, they were greeted with the familiar sight of a gleaming white and gold corridor, along with the opalescent sky that hung above the open hall.

Is this the Hall of Origin, or…? Either way, it’s quite swanky.

They slithered through the passageway and passed through a set of open double doors, into the main chamber of the Council.

The room was massive, the ceiling being several times their own height. Twelve thrones were placed at the far end of the room, arranged in a wide semi-circle.

I see that ‘Majestic Twelve’ meant something different in this setting prior to the apocalypse happening. Maybe. If there are also conspiracy theories that surrounded these Legendaries, they must’ve been wild.

Only one throne was occupied: a simple throne, colored dark grey and silver. On it sat the Lord of Time, Dialga.

Zygarde: “Whelp, that solves the question of who to ask to take care of the comatose Garchomp that somehow isn’t dead yet.”

Zygarde moved across the room and stopped a respectable distance from where Dialga sat.

"We thank you for answering our summons."

Dialga grunted. "I don't exactly have anything else to do right now."

Wait, so do any Legendaries in this setting get along with each other? Since I see that Dialga’s quite the grumpy gus himself from that initial reaction.

"...Understandable." They turned to look at one of the empty thrones. "The other is late."

"Oh? You called someone else?" He followed Zygarde's gaze to the vacant thrones. "Hmm. Whoever it is should know better than to disregard a summoning."

… Wait, just how high up are these two relative to each other anyways? Since you’d think that if Dialga and Zygarde were seen as immediate peers / equals to each other, that blowing off a summoning wouldn’t be the end of the world in the absence of some sort of ground rule about how such summonings are not to go ignored under any circumstance. Which wasn’t exactly communicated in the text prior to this.

"We shall retrieve them, and we shall return shortly." Zygarde teleported away as soon as they'd finished speaking.

<><><>
They found themself, again, in another realm.

Okay, for whatever reason, this reads more suddenly than the last time that Zygarde blipped out with a teleport. You might want to consider either dropping in a hard scene break here, or else slotting in more of a described transition for Zygarde leaving.

Food for thought, anyways.

This time, it was a realm consisting only of the fluorescent green outline of a circle against a void filled with countless distant stars and planets.

… Wait, where on earth did he arrive, anyways?

Zygarde knew how this realm played tricks on the mind, appearing much smaller than it truly was. Of course, it was only fitting that this realm was but a small taste of the Lord of Space's power.

Ah, Palkia, I presume. Even if the fluorescent green threw me for a moment thanks to the different color scheme.

They moved through the realm quickly, wasting no time on looking at the scenery.

Zygarde only stopped when they felt something slippery underneath their scales. They backed away slightly and stared at what they'd slithered over.

A splatter of silver blood. The blood of a lesser god.

Wasn’t expecting that. Though guess someone already came to Palkia(?) earlier and made him/her crabby given the bloody mess left behind.

Though why exactly do Legendaries bleed gold/silver in this setting anyways? Is it some sort of stylistic thing? Since I can’t say that I’ve ever read another story prior to this one that did something like that.

They closely surveyed the area as they continued to move, albeit slower than before. Several large silver blood splatters were visible throughout the realm. Occasionally, they would find a droplet or two of golden blood mixed in.

Wait, so is the reason that Zygarde is a ‘they’ because it’s technically a composite being? Or is Zygarde just meant to flatly be agendered in this setting? I hadn’t thought much about it at first, though now I’m curious.

After quite some time, they could finally see the shape of the Lord of Space in the distance.

Once Zygarde was close enough, they could see that the spilled blood was largely concentrated around this area.

Oh, so Palkia(?) really did just goosh an unwelcome visitor out of annoyance, then. ^^;

"Palkia. We must speak to you regarding--"

Yup, I called it.

Palkia whirled around, glaring at Zygarde in smoldering rage. "Oh, what? You're gonna tell me that I didn't answer your bullshit call? Yeah, yeah, I know I didn't, now fuck off."

… How many times has the world in this setting ended with how hostile this world’s Legendaries are towards each other? ^^;

Now that Palkia was facing them, Zygarde could see that his forearms were coated in silver blood, and additional blood was splattered across his face and torso.

Zygarde: “... Did I walk in on something here-?” ^^;
Palkia: “Obviously! Seriously, read a room, Zygarde!”

Zygarde flicked their tail. "Yes, we were going to speak with you concerning your lack of appearance at the Council. However…" They leaned to the side, and could barely discern a corpse behind Palkia. "It would seem there are more pressing matters at hand."

Zygarde: “Not sure if I really want to know what you’ve been up to here, so let’s make this quick…”

Palkia snorted. "Oh, don't even ask me what all this shit is. I mean, you know what, I'll just show you, and I know you're gonna like it." He stepped aside from the corpse, revealing that it was the mangled body of Virizion.

Maybe, possibly. Since I kinda the suspicion that Virizion was on “death to squishies” duty along with Cobalion.

Zygarde slithered closer to inspect the body, and found that all of Virizion's legs had been broken, as well as her midsection being torn apart, and her head had been ripped off. It lay nearby, with a few vertebrae poking out.

"Heheh… one down, yeah? Who fucking knows how many more to go." Palkia muttered seemingly to himself.

Oh, so Palkia is also not a fan of the human cull going on right now, though boy did that turn into a gory mess fast. .-.

"...We did not see you as the type to so willingly take the life of one of your own kind."

Palkia:

“Seriously, Zygarde. I thought that you had a reason for wanting to talk to me here.”

"Don't get me wrong. Normally, I wouldn't dare do that. But, well, when you're one of the bastards that participated in humanity's extinction…" He shrugged with a smirk. "You get what you deserve, y'know? I think it's fair."

Oh, so humanity’s just already dead by now. I would not have pegged Palkia as being the type to be really fazed by bad things happening to humanity given the whole Mt. Coronet flap, but noted.

"...And how exactly did you deduce that Virizion had a part in humanity's extinction?"

"Oh, well, uh… I dunno, I just kinda… guessed. I mean, at least she admitted to it, so… y'know, I don't have the murder of an innocent on my conscience, heh."

Zygarde: “(Well, that’s going to be a headache to explain at the next council meeting.) Anyhow, as I was saying…”

"We see." Zygarde turned around to face Palkia. "We will again request that you come to the Council. There is a matter that we think you will be interested in."

Oh, so Palkia’s going to become Antares’ patron, huh? Or at least I think that this is where this is going.

Without waiting for a response, Zygarde went back to the Council realm.

They appeared exactly where they had left. Now it was only a matter of waiting.

Only a handful of seconds passed before Palkia appeared on his throne, having neglected to rid himself of the divine blood that coated his arms.

Dialga:

Palkia: “Had to deal with an intruder in my realm, don’t get your head crest in a twist, Father Time.”

Dialga looked over to see who had just showed up, and scoffed. "Hmph. Out of all the other gods, it just had to be you."

Oh boy, so Dialga and Palkia don’t get along with each other either, huh? Is it just a tradition in this world that Legendaries in the same coupling are fundamentally opposed to each other and can’t kill each other off?

Palkia glanced over, and had to do a double-take, before he snarled and glared at Dialga. "Why the fuck are you here?"

Dialga: “Summons from Sir Hiss-a-Lot over there. He seriously didn’t tell you?”

Zygarde could feel the tension in the air threatening to take a turn for the worse. On one side, the cold contempt from Dialga chilled the very atmosphere. On the other side, the fiery fury from Palkia superheated the air to a near-boiling point, in danger of exploding at any moment.

Perhaps you should’ve thought about that before getting these two into a room together to give your sales pitch, huh Zygarde?

Of course, Zygarde knew nothing would happen… not here, at least. Arceus had made the Council so that a divine spell prevented any and all bloodshed within it. Naturally, any and every other possible location was free of this restriction.

Wait, how is this place not just a constant battlefield in that case? Since it’d be the perfect place for two gods who hate each other very much to just go at each other confident that there wouldn’t be any lasting consequences.

Zygarde looked between the two gods; nearly every other god knew the two as being sworn nemeses for countless millennia. This was not the place to harbor such trivial hostilities.

And yet you thought it was a good idea to bring them together to make an elevator pitch. I’m pretty sure that’s not a good reflection of the quality of your decision-making, Zygarde.

"We have summoned you two to discuss something that another god has entrusted us with."

Palkia glanced over at Zygarde, skepticism shining in his eyes. "Okay, hang on," he said as he leaned forward and inadvertently smeared blood across his legs, "you're saying someone gave you the responsibility to do something? There's a lotta problems with that.”

[ ]

“First off, anyone going to you for help with their problems is about as likely as me and this guy," he said with a quick jab of his finger at Dialga, "actually getting along. So, basically zero-percent chance."

I would recommend breaking up Palkia’s dialogue and slotting in something in between as a divider such as some body language or something along those lines.

Dialga sighed. "For once, I agree with a statement you've made."

"You shut the hell up!" Palkia hissed at Dialga, before calming down and turning his attention back to Zygarde. "Anyways, like I was saying, I kinda don't really believe you, sorry."

Okay, so what is Zygarde’s brilliant plan here? Since they surely know Dialga and Palkia well enough that they should’ve anticipated an initial response like this.

Dialga muttered under his breath, "You claim to have multiple issues with Zygarde's statement, then only elaborate on one…? Idiot."

Cue half of the current chamber these three are meeting in in 3… 2…

If Palkia heard Dialga's remark, he didn't show that he did. "But also, I have another question. Who even asked you about this… whatever it is?"

Time to see if Zygarde will give a straight answer or else break out a convenient lie to move things along to where they want things to go.

Zygarde waited for a split-second before answering, "Zekrom asked for our help. We suppose we should elaborate upon what this responsibility is. Essentially, we have been asked to make a mortal our Champion, and that mortal, with our help, shall go on to kill Reshiram."

Whelp, shooting straight, at least.

Palkia: “... I’m sorry, and Zekrom doesn’t do this himself why?”

Zygarde: “That’s what I said! But because I’m pretty sure he’ll die if a champion of his kills Reshiram, so…” >_>;

Dialga tilted his head. "Hm. I'd been under the impression that Zekrom and Reshiram were… inseparable, in a way. Has something occurred to disrupt that?"

Palkia: “Oh, you know. Just a little bout of human genocide. That probably has something to do with it.”

Palkia snorted. "Look at you, being the stupid one for once! I know you've been holed up in that weird castle of yours for, like, forever now, so you don't know what's going on, but don't worry, I'll explain it to you!”

[ ]

“Okay, so pretty much, the whole situation with Zekrom and Reshiram, as far as I know, is that they're kinda like you and me," he pointed back-and-forth between himself and Dialga, "except I guess they don't have the ability to actually kill each other, which, uh, that kinda sucks.”

[ ]

“And I think the reason why that is… is because, uh, I think when they used to be in that weird combined form, before humans showed up,” Palkia explained. “I think something like that sort of stuck around, so they can't do anything to each other, even though they're separate now. So that's why Zekrom's trying to get Zygarde to do his dirty work for him!"

Palkia’s dialogue here should be at least three separate paragraphs with stuff slotted in between, whether body language or reactions from the audience stuck in between. Since this is a lot to take in all in one go as a reader.

Though as for Reshiram and Zekrom being unable to kill each other… perhaps they should try a bit harder? :V

He clapped his hands together only once, and looked over at Zygarde. "Is that what's going on, or am I just stupid?"

Zygarde:

Zygarde stared at Palkia for several seconds. "You are correct."

Palkia celebrated with a small fist pump, and a quiet "Yes!"

I’ll admit, I didn’t see Palkia being this immature, but I suppose that I should’ve with the way he talked about Virizion and his speech pattern when explaining the deal between Reshiram and Zekrom. Definitely very different from what I would’ve expected from a primordial being that’s been around for as long as Arceus’ creation in this plane of existence.

Dialga contemplated Zygarde carefully. "This is… intriguing, to an extent, but I must know why you're telling us this."

"We shall not be the one to handle this responsibility. We wish to pass it on to either of you."

Wait, so what happens if both of them just flatly go:

at this and bounce?

Palkia stared at Zygarde, dumbfounded. "I… huh…?"

Dialga blinked in surprise. "That's… not an answer I had been expecting."

"We require your answers now."

It’d be kinda funny if they both just flatly rejected Zygarde’s request and blipped out, but I don’t think that’s where the plot is going here. My money is on Palkia being the one to make Antares his champion.

Palkia's eyes darted around the room. "Um, uh, I mean… I guess I could, but then one thing would lead to another, and soon enough I'd probably have to deal with a very pissed off Zekrom, and, uh, I'd rather not…" He quickly teleported out of the chamber before anyone could react.

Kek. Well, that’s one down.

Dialga shifted slightly. "I refuse. Try doing your own work instead of wasting time on trying to pass it off to others." He, too, teleported away.

And there’s another. Guess I should’ve considered this possibility a bit more than I initially did as a possible outcome.

Zygarde stared at the empty thrones.

We suppose we have no choice. Fine.

Come on, Zygarde. Think of it this way, you’re getting a chance to get actual screentime after getting shafted repeatedly by Game Freak in Gen 6. What’s there not to love? o<o

They left the chamber, and returned to their own realm. Perhaps that mortal would be awake now… It had been a few months since Zekrom had first brought him…

Cue the Sonic reaction meme, since Antares wasn’t exactly in good bodily shape when he was brought over, and I have to wonder how on earth he was kept alive unless Zygarde has some sort of suspended animation party trick that he can pull off on others.

Antares awoke to a searing pain shooting through his leg, and a bitter chill in the air that made him shudder uncontrollably.

He eased his eyes open-- and saw absolutely nothing.

Dream sequence? Or is Antares waking up under a rock here?

What? Have I been blinded…?! No, surely not!

I kinda wonder if there should’ve been some other reflexive assumption here on Antares’ part. Like part of him wonder if the whole “seeing your whole team die horribly in front of you and fighting with Reshiram” was a bad dream or something? Since “H-Huh?! A-Am I blind?!” feels like a rather specific thing to zero in on here.

Panic wrapping around his heart, he pushed himself off of the cold, stone-like ground. As soon as he stood uneasily, his leg gave out, and he stumbled forward into a wall.

I see that Zekrom and Zygarde are QUALITY™ caretakers given that they’ve left Antares in a wounded state for a minimum of months at this point. You’d think that they’d patch up someone who was slated to become a Legendary’s champion a bit more thoroughly than this. ^^;

… Then again, considering how all of the Legendaries we’ve seen in this story have been jerks one way or another, maybe they wouldn’t have bothered to patch him up better.

He rested his head against the wall, hearing only the pounding of his heart and his trembling breaths.

I am in an unfamiliar location, currently experiencing great pain, and my sight may have been taken. Were I in better condition, I'd not be struggling so… though perhaps that's only obvious. As soon as I am able, I must investigate what has happened.

I kinda wonder if Antares logically ought to spend more thought as a callback to how on earth he got here and what he can remember of it as a ‘putting pieces back together’ thing. Since given that he’s functionally only been awake for about 5 minutes since everyone and everything he’s ever known died violently, you’d think it’d be a bit more on his mind.

"Ah, you're finally awake."

OwO

What’s this?

Antares jumped slightly, and turned around, his dorsal fin scraping against the wall. He swallowed his fear and mustered his courage to yell out, "Who goes there?! Show yourself!"

Imbecile! You can’t see anything 've no means of sight!

I get that you seem to be going for some sort of more formal speech shtick for Antares in general, but this moment in particular seems like it’d really benefit from being phrased in simpler words since Antares’ present dialogue feels very stilted.

There was a brief moment of silence, followed by the stranger's confused muttering of, from the stranger.

"You can't see me…?"

Would suggest rephrasing this paragraph a bit and splitting the dialogue off from the description.

The environment suddenly lit up, as though a miniature sun had formed within it. Antares flinched and shielded his eyes. At least now he knew he wasn't blind.

Antares: “MY EYES!” @.@

"Oh, too bright… hold on." The light dimmed, and Antares slowly looked to see that the stranger was the Ampharos who'd saved him. In his paws, he held a cyan sphere, lightning encased within it, lighting up the surroundings.

… What on earth do those surroundings even look like anyways? Like I get that it makes sense that Antares wouldn’t have seen them clearly earlier since he was in the dark (even if it’d have been nice to hint at it through senses like smell and touch) and then flash-blinded, but you’d think that he’d start to notice more of his surroundings right now so that way the readers can also see it.

Like, I assume that Antares is in some sort of cave at the moment, but you’ve never actually described that explicitly thus far.

"You! Why have you brought me here?" He demanded of the Ampharos.

This would also be something that probably would’ve made more sense to lead in a bit more with description from the prior paragraph. Since I didn’t get the vibe that Antares was starting to get agitated / “where am I?!” with Zekrom prior to his dialogue.

His savior shrugged. "...Because it was the only safe place I could think of? You might want to try being grateful."

“Ampharos”: “Look, buddy. I literally could’ve just left you to bleed out and burn up with the rest of Wedgehurst. Maybe try counting your lucky stars right now.”

[ ]

"Believe me, I am most grateful to you! I simply have far too many questions concerning my situation!"

This moment might be a bit more impactful if we get to see a bit more of Antares’ reaction to Zekrom’s charge there. Like is he calming down and staying sober? Is he visibly freaking out? A lot of nuance here that’s being lost by virtue of not having things described more explicitly.

[ ]

"That's fair." He eyed Antares, noticing how the Garchomp struggled to stand up. "Hm. I guess that free healthcare did a number on you."

Ditto for Zekrom’s reaction here, since he reads as significantly less testy than in his last line. You might want to show that transition between moods off a bit more explicitly.

"What do you mean by that?"

The Ampharos pointed to Antares' leg. "Well, you had to be kept alive somehow. The methods were… unsavory."

Which can only mean good things, I’m sure.

Antares looked down at his leg to see a small circular scar on his thigh. "What did you do?!"

Wait, it’s just a scar? That’s what he’s freaking out about? Like unless if it stands out very strongly for one reason or another or has something about its look that is deeply worrisome, I’m admittedly not sure why Antares is freaking out so hard about what happened instead of asking more calmly.

"Oh, it wasn't me. I guess you'll find out soon enough. Speaking of which, we should probably go." A small smirk grew on the Ampharos' face, before he said, "Do you need me to carry you, or can you walk on your own?"

“Ampharos”:

Antares: “I… think that I’ll walk on my own, thanks.”

Antares scowled. "Hngh… I can walk just fine, thank you."

Narrator: “He cannot walk just fine.”

Though that makes me wonder what on earth was done to him as a newly-minted champion, since I don’t fully get the logic behind messing with Antares’ thigh here even if it was fundamentally just to inflict a superficial brand of some sort.

"Alright, suit yourself." With that, the Ampharos turned and started walking into the darkness, leaving Antares to limp as fast as he could to keep up.

Antares: “Wait, is it too late to take back the insistence of going alo-” O_O;
“Ampharos”:
[blobyes]
Antares: “... Dammit.” >.<

It was several minutes before the Ampharos led Antares into an absolutely gargantuan chamber within the confusing labyrinthine network of caves and tunnels.

Antares no longer had to limp, as it seemed his leg injury had only been temporary.

The underlined IMO would have a bit more impact if you made it more of a gradual process and showed it off more instead of giving a brief, after the fact mention that Antares is no longer affected by his limp. Since it also can help play into the overall “weirdness” vibe of whatever was done to him.

He took in the surroundings, seeing nothing in particular, besides its size, that suggested this chamber was any different from the countless others they'd walked through.

Yeah, this is why I was harping on about describing the place where Antares woke up in, since I have zero frame of reference for what this place looks like other than that it’s “the same as earlier, but bigger”.

Antares was about to say something, but the Ampharos held his paw up in what was clearly a shushing gesture. He glanced back at Antares and whispered, "Let me handle this."

Wait, I wasn’t aware that there was anything going on other than these two walking. It might have made sense to have Zekrom give more of a hint than that as to what’s going on, since I’m a bit lost myself at the moment.

He stepped forward, and cleared his throat, before calling out, "Zygarde! He's awake!"

Antares:

“I’m sorry, say what now?!”

Antares had no time to ponder who, or what, this 'Zygarde' was, before the chamber was tinted with a green glow coming from a serpent that was just as massive as the room itself.

Huh, wasn’t expecting Antares to literally be in the dark about Zygarde given that I could’ve sworn that he recognized Reshiram, but I guess it makes sense given that it’s another region’s Legendaries.

"It has taken long enough." They hissed, in an unnatural, echoing voice that sounded as though thousands of individual voices were all speaking over one another. It sent shivers down Antares' spine.

Totally a good sign for how this is going to go! /s

Zygarde: “Yes, yes, being a collective entity can be like that at times. You’ll get used to it, mortal.” >:|

The Ampharos took a few steps away from Antares. "Sorry about that, but now that he's here…" he trailed off, and averted his gaze.

Antares: “I’m sorry, but how do you know this ‘mon?!”

“Ampharos”: “... I have friends in high places?”

Antares looked back and forth between this 'Zygarde' and the Ampharos. "What is the meaning of this? What's about to happen?"

The Ampharos was silent, and so was Zygarde.

Antares: “Kinda freaking me out here, you know.”

There was a nauseating squelching noise, as though flesh were being torn apart, and a writhing, slightly transparent tentacle came out of Zygarde's side. It shot out towards Antares, and wrapped around his arms, rendering him unable to resist whatever was about to happen.

He squirmed in its grasp. "Release me at once!"

Antares: “Oh gods, I’m never gonna feel clean again after this, am I?”

It lifted him off the ground and held him there. A second tentacle appeared and shot towards Antares, stopping only mere inches from his chest.

Antares: “Y-You know, if you would just tell me what you were going to do to me, it’d really help me calm down right about-!”
Zygarde:

It began glowing until it was a sickly yellow, then pressed itself against Antares' chest, superheating his scales, burning both those and the skin underneath.

Oh, well that definitely isn’t a normal-looking process there.

He grit his teeth to prevent himself from making any kind of noise.

Gods, this is far more painful than Reshiram's flames…

This feels like something that ought to have been described a bit more, since we’re told that Antares feels pain worse than Reshiram’s flames, but not any real description of what it’s like and where he feels it. Take some time to “show” that pain he feels to the audience a bit more.

After about a minute of agonizing heat, the tentacle pulled away and withdrew into Zygarde. The other tentacle that had been holding Antares released him, unceremoniously dumping him onto the ground.

Antares: “Wow. Rude.” X_X

Antares glanced down at his chest. Some kind of symbol had been seared into his chest. Upon closer inspection, it was… just the letter Z.

Oh, so he’s Zygarde’s champion after all, huh?

He glared up at Zygarde. "What compelled you to do this?"

Zygarde: “Because Palkia and Dialga are dicks and refused to deal with you themselves.” >_>;
Zekrom: “Zygarde! I asked you to take him on as a champion!”

The Ampharos, who'd been looking away the entire time, coughed before responding, "Sorry you had to go through that. It's… well, neither of us can tell you right now, but you'll understand eventually. Just trust us on this."

Oh yeah, like we haven’t already seen that the two of you don’t already have your own ulterior motives that for all we know are going to wind up in someplace else after humanity’s absence getting Wedgehurst’ed.

Antares whirled around to face him, snarling. "What could possibly explain any of this?"

You probably want to devote a bit more time to having Antares go from confused and reeling to crabby here, since I was also a bit surprised that he was this agitated so fast since there’s not much in the way of transition.

"We have a plan, alright? I know it's something you're going to want to go through with, and even on the off-chance you don't, well, it's already too late for you to back out."

Antares: “And do I get to at least have a briefing as to what this plan entails-?”

Zygarde + “Ampharos”:

Antares: “... Of course.” >_>;

Antares folded his arms, but quickly put them back down after a flash of pain shot through his new burn scar. "…I suppose I'll hear you out."

Oh, well never mind. Guess those two aren’t that dickish to Antares there.

The Ampharos sighed in relief. "Good. Okay, so our plan is, simply put, this: you're going to go out into the world, and… you'll go kill Reshiram. Should be easy for you."

This seems like a really robust and well thought-out plan right there. /s

Antares had to take a few seconds to process this. He was going to be able to avenge everyone he had ever considered his friends and family?

He would be stupid to not agree with this.

I mean, revenge is a powerful drug, but I kinda wonder if there should’ve either been more of an explicit mention by Zygarde or Zekrom or else some moment of realization somehow by Antares that he’s got more power than he used to have and that he actually is capable of rationalizing that he has chance at beating Reshiram with the extra boost.

"…I see! You have my apologies for being so aggressive, then."

"Don't worry about it." He paused awkwardly. "Do you think you'd be ready to go back out into the world right now?"

Wait, who is saying these lines right now? Since “he” is ambiguous there and the first line is not really attributed explicitly. It might make sense to explicitly note “Antares” and “the Ampharos” assuming that is indeed the order of speakers that was meant to have happened here.

[ ]

"Have I regained my full strength?"

The Ampharos shrugged, and looked towards Zygarde.

They stared down at Antares. "We have ensured that your strength has returned to normal levels, and has remained consistent since you arrived."

IMO, this should probably be transitioned into a bit more on Antares’ end. e.x. showing him giving a curious look over at Zekrom or something along those lines to recenter the story focus on him a bit more.

Antares nodded. "Very well, then, yes, I'm prepared to search for, and vanquish, Reshiram!"

The Ampharos nodded in response. "Great. Alright, then, guess I'll see you around! Good luck."

Antares: “Wait, wha-? Where are you even headed off to-?”

There was a brief feeling of weightlessness, as though Antares had just entered the vast reaches of space, and then a blinding flash of light… and he was no longer in the caves.

Antares: “... How on earth did he even do that?”

<><><>

He found himself standing in a flat field, surrounded by trees. Blades of grass swayed gently in the breeze, and the sun shone overhead. It was… oddly calming.

I’m of two minds as to whether or not things would’ve benefitted from a hard scene break there and Antares having more of a chance to soak in his surroundings, since we’ve jumped quite a bit in terms of place here even if we haven’t done much in terms of time.

Despite everything that had happened, Antares found himself relaxing a bit, the tension leaving his mind.

He found a small lake nearby, and sat near its bank, staring out across it.

Yeah, this is why it would’ve probably made sense to slow down and show off the process of soaking in the new neighborhood a bit more. Since I didn’t realize that there was a lake around here, and it’d probably have been nice to see more of a process of discovering and reacting to it. Especially since this present setting is very different from the world outside Zygarde’s domain that Antares last saw.

So… he supposed this was his life now. His only goal was to hunt down and kill Reshiram, that foul wretch who had taken everything from him.

That might suffice for now… but after I achieve that, what will I do? What can I do? The world has been irrevocably changed. There is no place for one such as myself. Mayhaps I might simply become a nomad, wandering the land with no rhyme or reason.

Not even interested in where on earth you are right now, Antares? Since are you even still in Galar at the moment? ^^;

He exhaled deeply and watched the water as it rippled with the wind.

As content as he would have been to simply sit here forever, and remain at peace, he knew that couldn't happen. He needed to keep moving forward, and for that to happen, he needed to get his revenge.

It might make sense to more explicitly communicate the why Antares knows that he can’t just stop and sit at peace here. Since Zygarde and Zekrom never explicitly told him that there would be consequences for him if he didn’t carry out his mission or else dawdled from it, and he Antares hasn’t really communicated an emotional impulse otherwise (e.x. he feels compelled to otherwise he won’t be able to live with himself or something like that)

The sound of footsteps behind him snapped him out of his peaceful trance, and he quickly stood and turned to see who was approaching him.

It was a Blaziken, who didn't seem very hostile.

Antares: “... A Blaziken? Since when were those things in Galar?” :?

"Hi there!" The Blaziken waved as he got closer to Antares. "Don't think I've seen you around here before. Mind telling me where you're coming from?"

Antares: “... Wedgehurst? That’s nearby to here, right?” ^^;

Antares eyed the stranger. They were exactly the same height as each other, so if it came down to a fight, it might be evenly matched…

Antares: “(Wait, but wouldn’t I logically have a type advantage against this guy? Since I am the one with Ground-type STAB here.)”

"I apologize, but I don't recall where I've come from." That wasn't entirely a lie. He didn't know what the cave system had truly been, or even where it was.

I’m honestly a bit surprised that Antares didn’t reflexively say ‘Wedgehurst’ there.

The Blaziken tilted his head. "Huh, yeah, I get that. It's been a few months, everyone that's still alive is running in circles trying to get their collective shit together. I don't blame ya!"

Well, sounds like it hasn’t been that long since the great barbecue happened.

"...Pardon me, a few months? A few months since… what, exactly?" Antares' stomach slowly constricted with dread, if his guess as to what the Blaziken was referring to was right…

"Uh. Since the Reset, buddy. Y'know, that thing where most of the gods came down to earth and stamped out the humans? That. I don't know if you've been livin' under a rock or what, heh, but you should've at least heard of it from someone you know!"

Funny story about that, Blaziken…

Though I’m surprised that the term for human extinction is something as relatively innocuous as ‘Reset’ as opposed to something a bit more ominous-sounding. Wonder if that implies anything about whoever coined the term.

Antares stared at the Blaziken for several seconds, a million thoughts racing through his head at once.

He mentally chided himself, Stop. This is no time to get caught up in your grief. You must keep going, no matter what.

This is another thing where it’d have likely had more of an impact to show more of that grief / shock of processing “the world I knew is dead”, whether by internal thoughts or some sort of exchange with Blaziken to suss out more of what on earth happened since this admittedly feels like a really accelerated resolution right now.

"...Ah. Unfortunately, I lost everyone I'd known when… that happened."

[ ]
"Oh. Sorry." The Blaziken sure didn't sound very sorry.

Might have also merited describing the Blaziken’s body language or the like a bit. e.x. If his demeanor is unusually stiff or forced or something like that to tip off that he’s putting up an act or something like that.

"Do not apologize, it was not your fault."

"Yeah, I know that, just… I don't know, isn't that the thing most people say when they're upset or whatever?"
Antares shivered slightly, though he wasn't sure why. It wasn't cold… "In a way, yes, it is."

Oh yeah, that’s totally not ominous at all. Totally.

"Wait, so you know what the Reset was, because I guess you witnessed it first-hand… then why'd you ask me what it had been a few months since? You should've known that."

Antares: “... I hit my head really hard and lost most of my memories since the first day?”

Antares put a claw to his chin. How should he construct this lie…? "I was… unconscious for several months, and I was aided by someone."

Well, someone’s living dangerously here. Though I suppose that neither Zygarde nor Zekrom gave Antares any warning to be careful about running his mouth off about being tasked to go and slay a goddess.

The Blaziken leaned in slightly, an odd glint in his eyes. "Who helped you?"

[ ]

"Er… I can not say, for I do not know who they are."

Oh yeah, this is taking an ominous turn already. But I would strongly suggest describing more of the process of Antares realizing that something is wrong and catching himself and weighing his response or something like that.

"Hm. Alright." The Blaziken was clearly not satisfied with that answer. "Well, we don't have to be strangers! What's your name, bud? I'm Kai!" He put a hand out for a handshake.

‘Kai’, huh? Well I guess that’s a sign that we’ll be seeing a lot more of him in this story.

Antares awkwardly slipped one of his claws into Kai's talons and shook. "My name is Antares. I suppose it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Kai."

"Heh, same to you, pal." Kai's eyes slid over to their weird handshake-- and stopped. "Say, what's that, uh, marking you got there?"

Antares: “Huh? What marking-?”
- Antares looks down at his hip -
Antares: “... Right, that’s a thing.”

Antares took his claw back, letting it awkwardly drop to his side. "Erm… simply a burn that I received from an attack, long ago."

Kai's eyes had an almost predatory look to them. "So you say. I know burns, since, y'know, I'm a Fire-type an' all, and that looks too recent to be 'long ago'."

Antares: “... Kai? What is with that look there? It’s not strange for Garchomp to get burned in a battle, is it?”

Kai: “It is when said burns look like that.”

Antares gulped, and thought he noticed movement behind a tree out of the corner of his eye. There was nothing there when he glanced over to it, though. "My apologies, my memory has been--"

Narrator: “There was absolutely movement coming from the tree.”

"That's no damn regular burn. That's a branding mark!" He hissed, and glared at Antares. "Who're you with, huh?"

… Wait, just how many Legenary-selected champions are going around at the moment if Kai can reflexively identify Antares’ marking as being from a Legendary of some sort.

[ ]

"Who am I-- what?"

[ ]
"Don't play stupid with me, you're with some god, and it sure as hell ain't Reshiram!"

This section would heavily benefit from showing the mood take a turn for the worse between these two. Though did Reshiram set up a new kingdom on the ashes of Galar or something? Since I get the vibe that Kai is an adherent of hers from this dialogue.

Antares' blood froze.

Reshiram?

Antares: “How in the hell do you-?” O.O

No, no, no, this wasn't happening. He had not just stumbled into a supporter of that… that villain! She who deserved nothing but death!

Narrator: “He just stumbled into a supporter of Reshiram.”

Though wait, does this mean that Reshiram went it alone in terms of being a major deity taking part in the Reset? Since Kai’s reaction implies that he’d have been similarly hostile if he saw the brand from any Legendary other than Reshiram.

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about, really!" Antares took a step back, and watched as a Breloom stepped out from behind the tree he'd noticed movement from only a few moments ago.

Kai snarled. "If you aren't gonna talk, then we'll make you!" He turned to the Breloom. "Get him!"

Antares: “Wait, why am I not just deleting you out of existence with Earthquake-?”

Antares turned and prepared to fly away, but was struck with a cloud of pale white spores.

Sleeping spores! No--!

Antares: “Nrgh… Dammit!”

He quickly succumbed to the effects, and collapsed right there.

I’ll admit, this honestly was a bit more anticlimactic than I was expecting from Antares given the fight that he put up with Reshiram in Part 1 and how he got souped-up by Zygare earlier. It might have been thematically more effective to show him actually fighting with Kai a bit and holding his own only to get surprised with a sudden Sleep Powder.

Kai and the Breloom stood over him, chuckling to themselves.

"The Father's gonna be real happy with this one." Kai muttered.

‘The Father’, huh? So Reshiram has a hierarchy of acolytes? Or is that a lesser Legendary being referenced there?

Antares fell into unconsciousness, not knowing what would happen to him.

Antares: “Gah… What is this, a trend?” @.@

Whelp, Antares is going to going to be in for a “fun” one if there’s ever a part 3 to this story, I can tell. I’m admittedly unsure if you’re still continuing to work on this story or not since it’s been a while since it last updated, but I figured that either way, it’d be best to leave my thoughts for you to apply either to this story if/when you pick it up again or to your future writings.

Alright, so while I admittedly have some structural bones to pick with this chapter, I still felt that the fundamental core behind things was decently solid. One world has ended, and Antares steps into one that’s been formed anew with a mission given to him by actors that don’t necessarily have his best interests at heart. It’s a pretty neat premise in general and sets up a scope promising a grand adventure. You also did a decent job at keeping things tense in this chapter, both in the outro scene, and from moments like the various Legendaries politicking and getting into petty squabbles with one another. Wonder if we’ll be seeing more of that if this story gets a Part 3 and onward.

As for those aforementioned bones that I had to pick, the low-hanging one is that if you haven’t already been doing so, I would strongly suggest reading your prose out loud to make sure that everything sounds natural to you. I noticed here and there that some of the narration and dialogue in this chapter read a bit strangely, and I wonder if reading things aloud would’ve helped identify those awkward-sounding parts a bit easier.

The pacing of this chapter is also a little uneven unless if Zygarde and Zekrom are meant to be prominent characters in their own right, since Antares is basically absent entirely until the very last 40% of the chapter’s plot. I wonder if there was more of a way to work his presence in a bit earlier in some capacity such as showing him being put into stasis or the like. Also related to pacing, but I kinda thought that the ending note was a bit too sped-up and as such a touch anticlimactic. Like Antares was already a strong fighter before being made into Zygarde’s Champion and yet when confronted with a hostile situation, he basically just stands there and clams up such that a Breloom can walk up to him and Sleep Powder him without any real resistance. It definitely feels a little at-odds with Antares being the type who fought tooth and claw against Reshiram in a losing battle, so it felt a bit weird to see him get taken out relatively easily without any firmly mentioned reason for why that happened such as him being impaired by an injury or the like.

Also the main elephant in the room for flaws, but your chapter in general is really light on description. It is hugely undercutting your emotional beats and ability to visualize certain moments in this chapter. Like for instance, the shifts in mood that happen in the final scene between Antares and Kai and his Breloom buddy don’t really come through since there’s very, very little body language to help tip off the nuances of the different characters’ interactions, which would’ve been an effective tool for helping to foreshadow that things were off here and there well before Kai’s negative reaction to Antares’ brand. Fortunately, most of the editing that would be needed to be done on this end is additive in nature. You’d just need to take some time to step through and have the plot smell the proverbial roses a bit more.

Sorry if the review was more critical than you’d have hoped @AbraPunk . But for what it’s worth, I think that the core behind your story is pretty interesting, it just needs a bit more polish than what it presently has to more effectively realize it. Best of luck with your writing, and I hope that this isn’t the last that we’ve seen of Antares’ tale, since hey, you built up a pretty interesting opening hook in just two chapters!

 

[bluesidra]

Oh boy, blue rolls the "Abra kills Leon" fic... Nothing can go wrong here

But jokes aside, beside the killing of an npc who is very near and dear to me, I really enjoyed this. What immediately struck me was how distinct your characters were. Establishing the dynamics between an entire team of six is no easy task, especially if five of them don't make it past the first chapter. But following them along was really fun, and since I didn't get overattached to them in this one chapter, I didn't mind too much seeing them gored to death.
I've read a bit of ToT, and was taken a bit aback by how casual Palkia was, but here, I think the gods work really well. They feed into the general tone of the fic, and are also incredibly distinct. I could tell them apart just by their voice within a few lines. Zygarde really comes across as a pleasant fellow /j

The plot itself is very promising. Seems like N was really convincing when he pitched his idea to Reshiram, huh? But yeah, gods descending for some unknown reason, killing all of humankind sets up some sort of battle royale thing, where almost everything is free real estate for a action-loving author.
The bigger glimpse into Zygarde and Reshirams relationship, and the "poltics" of the gods was also a very moment worldbuilding-wise.

But where you shine best are your actions scenes. I noticed this in the contest one-shot too. Your heart is really in them, and despite that, they never get too wordy. You've hit just the right balance between descriptive enough and not too slow. I really loved them. If you ever want to write a more "mainstream" fic, you could just leave out the deaths and you'd have a really good journey-fic. But also, I think this type of fic does have its audience, especially in the r/pokemonfanfiction and ffn communities.

As for the tone: I was pleasantly surprised by how goofy it was. And in a good way. Right from the getgo, when the toxicroak gets his head slammed into a wall and then reemerges with only a few quips, I knew I was in for some lighthearted, fun action. Now, the later events are anything but lighthearted and fun, but the casual conversation tone manages to keep things from being all gloomy. It feels like Teen Titans, if someone had taken all child-friendly filters off the action-scenes and drenched them in a few buckets of blood, and if that doesn't sound like an awesome combo, I don't know what does.

The pacing is really fast. There's not much description of the environment except the barebone minimum, but the terrain you cover in one chapter makes absolutely "up" for it. It reads really fast. These are only 8k words, and even for 8k, they flew by. During Zygarde, Antares and Zekrom talking I realised that a substantial amount of fun here comes from how straightforward the characters are. There doesn't seem to be some 4D chess going on, and if it is, it is meant as a surprise later on, and not something the reader should have picked up. It allows for me to sorta "switch off" my brain and just focus on the rapid pace of the fun story. (Compare that to Game of Thrones, where every character has 4 ulterior motives at least, and you almost have to take notes. Nope, Antares hears "kill the leggy" and he says "alright.")

And that's also where I think the only weak part of these two chapters came in. Antares being introspective. It's not badly written, it just feels out of place. A moment ago he was all about killing god, and as soon as he has solid ground under his claws, he starts thinking about what he'll do once this is over and the general state of the world. He especially mentions how this new world doesn't have a place for him, when he doesn't know the first thing about this new world. The beginning of the first chapter alluded to Antares being prone to go off on tangents, but this segment seems to be played straight, so it feels a bit out of place. Maybe cut it and store it away for later?

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this. You have a habit of periodically doubting your writing abilities and now I can confidently say that that's bullshit. Your writing is really good. It's edgy, but that's okay. The prose itself and the technique are really good, especially for such a young writer (insert old people joke about myself here). Now that everyone I care about is dead, this sounds like a really fun adventure that I'll probably check out again!

Cheers, blue

 

[StolenMadWolf]

Okay, we were planning a review exchange, and I realised I've been long overdue with me chasing several projects at once, so, I've gone ahead and read the first few chapters. As a disclaimer, I tend to focus on worldbuilding and the overall bigger picture of the story rather than smaller, technical details, but I'll still try and cast an eye on them.

Firstly... holy the whiplash from the first chapter is unreal. I've written some dark stuff but this got real quick, with the world as we know it ending in a matter of seconds. The combat is short, brief and bloody goreious. It gets you hooked in and engaged. That being said, there are times where I was not exactly sure of what was happening, but it wasn't a dealbreaker. There isn't a whole lot about the world itself revealed yet, but it is interesting to see how legendaries interact with each other... even if they often don't act like the legendaries which is certainly surprising. Like I said as well, it is also truely gory, which is certainly fine by me, but might spook away alot of other readers. I was pleasently surprised by how quickly it's brought in.

The second chapter does seem a bit... bare. I generally go by the rule that Chapters can be structured or written any way you like, as long as it serves a purpose. That works for Chapter 1 and technically Chapter 2 technically does the same, but only just in the latter case, as not much actually happens in it beyond giving us a glimpse of said legendaries above.

There are also times where the description is a bit lacking, with little looking at the characters' own thoughts. Having some extra detail would help things out.

Luckily, the shock start has certainly got me hooked, I will try and keep reading through this. It's early days, but this story definitely has my attention.