Pokémon Ten Billion

[Kandykorn]

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
― Albert Einstein
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Journal Entry 107. June 1. Time of day, 21:00.

My troops morale has never been lower. The world made sense before. Now, none of it makes any sense. When I had enlisted in this war against these… Extra-terrestrial creatures, I thought it would be easy. Sure, the US armed forces had tried their damndest to keep these savage monsters at bay, but there’s been no luck.

The portal to the other world, which the front lines have been calling an ‘ultra wormhole’, spat out the monsters, and their leader, a man who could enclose the things in balls and put them into his pockets. Stranger still, the boy seemed no more than ten, and the few pocket monsters of his that could talk referred to him as “Red.”

At the beginning of this fight, we were ten thousand strong.

Now, we have only eight hundred remaining.

I fear that we may have severely underestimated this boy and his pocket monsters. What was once a battle against a boy and some fire-breathing dogs has quickly become a war against a child who wields the power of gods.

I pray we might find a solution that prevents the further loss of human life.

Your obedient servant,
-General Thompson.
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Journal Entry 132. June 12. Time of day, 14:55.

Forty five troops are left. This… Child? Warlord? God? Whatever he is, he has flattened the western half of America. We take in more refugees than we can feed.

According to the latest scout reports, Red has one thousand and twenty five of the pocket monsters. He seems to stop at nothing to gain what he desires, which seems to be to bring us to his world. Every person he captures, be they Soldier or civilian, he puts through his ultra wormhole in the middle of LA.

My scientists have captured two of the monsters. According to their data, their names are ‘Pyroar’ and ‘ditto’. They plan to use their DNA to make our own monsters to combat these abominations. I pray they succeed.
Your obedient servant,
-General Thompson.
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Journal Entry 169. June 20. Time of day, 09:45.

We’ve done it.

As the majority of Americans have been living in the now grossly overpopulated New York, my scientists have finally come up with something that could win this war. A lion that can be cloned supposedly infinitely, and are obedient to their human masters.

Right now, the remaining troops and I must stall, while we clone this army of monsters to fight the other army of monsters.

Your obedient servant,
-General Thompson.
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Journal Entry 201. July 3. Time of day, 10:37.

Red finally caught on, calling back his pyroar and ditto, meaning we can’t create any more. Unfortunately for him, it was too late. I have more lion soldiers than I could ever dream of.

Ten billion.

It’s a number that quite frankly is mind boggling to look at.

Tonight, we go to war.

Your obedient servant,
-General Thompson.
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Journal Entry 202. July 3. Time of day, 19:00.

The battle has been brutal. Red has thrown everything at us. Woman-like beings in green and white creating black holes. A lizard man with four arms capable of leveling an entire mountain. A deer with a golden halo around its waist floating above the battlefield, watching as an all knowing omnipotent force. There are dragons, like the ones from fairy tales, and real-life unicorns, fairies, and ghosts. The lions do the best they can.

Somehow, they seem to be able to work as a hivemind. Thanks to numbers alone, they were able to take out most of the smaller pokemon in a heartbeat. Their extra-terrestrial origin also must have done something to them, because the lions are building.

With themselves.

Catapults, towers, and planes made entirely of lions have sprouted out of nowhere. The power that they exude is almost unmatched.

Your obedient servant,
-General Thompson.
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Journal entry 203. July 4. Time of day, 01:01.

The night was filled with explosions. We’re actually starting to win this thing. Red tried every trick in the book. His sea-turtle known as ‘lapras’ had sung a song that killed many. His birds that could freeze continents had picked off thousands. A small origami man who can cut through anything tore millions to shreds, but eventually, a lion got them. Thanks to sheer numbers, the lions and I, on this independence day, could be winning.

Red has even tried to evolve some of his creatures. Some have been put through excruciating pain just to ‘mega evolve’ into much more powerful monsters. Even still, the boy tries everything. I can see him from my perch. He always looks to be planning… something. I shudder at the thought of what he could be doing. In fact, as I write this, he seems to be… smiling?

He has just now walked over to a small slug made of magma. He’s carrying a bunch of blue candies. Protecting him and his slug from my tidal wave of lions is a large red dinosaur that resembles godzillas of the old world. He just fed it a candy. The thing is glowing, as though it’s about to evolve. He’s going to pull another mega? I’ve fought several, they are no match for


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“And World War V will be fought with a Magcargo.”
― Anonymous.

 

[K_S]

Blitz review

You know I had to look up this meme... the whole who would win "x Pokemon vs x lions"... Not too sure where it came from but in this context, it devolved into a Voltron nightmare hellscape on one side and Red using the real world to grind his IV EV teams while shunting poor souls into... hooplas hoops to be damned to the worst fate possible.

I'm surprised the worlds population was enough to fit in new york honestly. Was gamefreak head quarters spared? Or this whole mess perhaps triggered by burmt out coders messing up so badly due to deadlines they made a bug in the sequel to scarlet/violet that ripped open a gate triggerIng this whole mess?

Inquiring minds wanna know.

As for hooplas victims, i vote they get shunted into 'mon games as nonplayer characters. Cursed forever to yammer about comfy shorts. Or how thier (region specific rat) is in the top 10 percentile.

(That or poor saps for the next mystery dungeon misadventure)

Either way, they are screaming for a very good reason.

Highlights include... Arceus not attacking, just being a halo deer that stares and makes you feel very very guilty. More Legends than you can shake a stick at rampaging Godzilla style through the world...

And this horrid mental image of an army of cloned controlled cats just staring up at necrozma in its light bird forum, tails swishing, waiting for the bird to drift down so they can kill the personification of the hated red light.

(All alright I added the last one but still with over 1000 mon it was a possibility.)

I loved the utter irrelevance and I suspect magcargo did overheat and incinerated everyone and everything hence the sudden cut-off?

 

[Flyg0n]

This was absolutely hysterical. I realized quite quickly where this was going but even so the actual format and buildup was just hilarious.

Ten billion.

I genuinely laughed out loud here. A rare thing in fic but really you can't get much more peak than asking the ancient question humans have been wondering since the beginning of time itself.

Who would win? Red with every single pokemon or 10 billion lions.

Woman-like beings in green and white creating black holes. A lizard man with four arms capable of leveling an entire mountain. A deer with a golden halo around its waist floating above the battlefield, watching as an all knowing omnipotent force. There are dragons, like the ones from fairy tales, and real-life unicorns, fairies, and ghosts. The lions do the best they can.

I'm dying at these descriptions because I can imagine just how absurd pokemon would really look to an outsider.

With themselves.

Catapults, towers, and planes made entirely of lions have sprouted out of nowhere. The power that they exude is almost unmatched.

LION ZORD

This mental image is absolutely incredible. Lion mechs. Lions throwing lions. Truly the power of ten billion lions is seemingly unmatched.

And World War V will be fought with a Magcargo.”
― Anonymous

Oh shoot

What a fantastic and funny end line. Oh humanity is doomed now. Just straight up unleash a mini sun on the planet.

Gosh I loved this. I'm a sucker for good meta humor or comedy in general, especially stuff that pokes a healthy amount of fun at some aspect of the pokemon world. The format works great and the comedy itself is quite good. I think humor can be more challenging than people expect in writing but you neither dither on too long or rush through anything, simply tell this short little tale just as much as needed.

You also did a great job making everything hilariously clear even from the pov of someone with no idea what a pokemon is. The references and descriptions fit well to add to the comedy without being overly confusing.

Poor earth, I don't think it'll recover from this one.

End capping on the two quotes was also great. Gave me a good laugh this evening, glad I stopped to check this one out.

 

[Umbramatic]

Hi! Here for Review Blitz! A short silly thing was just what I needed to get through tonight so let's get started!

I admit. I spend a non-zero amount of time fantasizing about what it would be like for the US military to be torn to ribbons by small chiuldren with Pokemon. So your opening already hooked me.


Then you got to

The meme

And that's when things really got glorious.

Genetically engineering ten billion lions is the mad plan someone would come up with when faced with 1025 and counting other murderous beasts but by golly they did iit. There are probably more lions than people in this world now huh.

The Pokemon may have had the power advantage but the lions are the stars of the show, what with their ability to combine into meat constructs and their resilience in the face of adversity. But we need to salute our main protagonist here, General Thompson. A stern general AND a consummate mad scientist - a real American hero.

The Pokemon-Lion war has many twists and turns, and I was riveted to my seat the entire time. But then the Pokemon win in the end with the Macargo swer- actually, my only very tiny nitpick with this is I'm not sure what happened with the Macargo at the end. Clearly something about its Pokedex entries but. Perhaps make it more clear. Speaking of though I love the opening and end quotes. Perfect brick joke.

Anyway this is a masterpiece and absolute finest literature. Well done. well fucking done.

 

[Sinderella]

So I had this recc’d to me while I was on the hunt for authors/stories I hadn’t read yet. I saw a mention of meta humor and comedy and I’m a sucker for both. Paired with this being a quick read, I had to give it a go and CHRIST was I not disappointed.

I didn’t know where this was going before I started, but the moment I saw the bit about the decimated army I thought to myself “Oh my god is this the billion lions thing” and I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was that I was right 😂 Like wow you took the meme and fucking ran with it, what a fucking show. 100/10 stars on Yelp.

I love the way this was written all the way through. I love being in the POV of this poor guy who has no idea what the fuck Pokemon are yet still being able to tell what he was talking about with each description (or at least I hope I knew what he was talking about KEKW). Him thinking Red might be a god just tickled my whole funny bone. Him talking about the genetically engineered pyroar-ditto-lions had me laughing outloud. And then the ENDING. Red just roiding out a macargo on rare candies and having it (I assume) overheat and just decimate the entire planet? Retire in poverty planet Earth.

I genuinely enjoyed this little story and am really glad I checked it out. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope to see you around :)

 

[HelloYellow17]

I was told this story was a humorous crack one, but I was still not prepared. 😂

First off, I love the choice of formatting and delivery. By having it told through the eyes of a general who knows nothing about Pokémon and thus sees all of these as terrifying extraterrestrial creatures, it adds that much more to the chaotic humor. This poor guy sure is trying his best.

Absolutely losing my mind over TEN BILLION PYROAR. It’s such a ludicrous number and I can’t even fathom one being able to command that many all at once. 😂 I have to ask, why Pyroar? Of all the Pokémon, why did you choose this mon to be the defensive force? Is there some extra reason, or was it just chosen completely at random?

Their extra-terrestrial origin also must have done something to them, because the lions are building.

With themselves.

Catapults, towers, and planes made entirely of lions have sprouted out of nowhere. The power that they exude is almost unmatched.

This was the part that made me cackle out loud and go “WHAT.” I’m immediately reminded of the wolves from the movie Storks—don’t know if you’re familiar with it, or if maybe that’s where you got the inspiration from, but it’s hilarious. I’m picturing these lions stacking on each other to defy physics and build freaking planes out of themselves and it’s hysterical.

The Magcargo ending was the only way to end this story, let’s be real. 😂 Love how Red is just completely unhinged and goes “yep time to nuke the planet I guess.” Ultimate power move right there.

This was an absolute delight to read, and if you have more crackfic ideas in store, I sure hope to read them!

 

[Kandykorn]

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
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Journal entry ∞. ???. Time of day, ????.

Lions.

I am in a void, standing on an endless expanse of nothingness, filled with only lions. Gone are my family. My wife.

My America.

They are all forever destroyed.

Once, my name was Gary Thompson. I was a hero of America. I was the general that would win this war with these extra terrestrials. Now, I am their prisoner.

How long ago was it? Whan Red evolved that magcargo and blew up my America? The one thing I was fighting for? Patriotism is dead. And so is America. And so am I, I think. In this void with me, I have what I have counted to be a trillion lions. Above us, is that god-like deer. Every day I wake up to fight another battle. It forces me to fight with the lions by my side. Every day I lose.

If you’re reading this, tell America I love her.

For today, we go to war with the sun.

Your obedient servant,
-Lion General Thompson.
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“Who would win? A trillion lions VS the sun”
― Reddit

 

[K_S]

Review blitz
Chaoter 2 (finale?)

Love the poe quote it fits the tone very well. General grary thompson is definitly feeling the poe-ism down to his bones. He's lost all sense of time. All ties to his family and probably only holding onto the ghost of patrioism at this point since america has been scrubbed off the planet.

Thanks magcargo and overheat...

Or maybe it used explode?

I can only imagine the awkwardness of walking from one point to the other in lion void. You gotta avoid teeth, tails, claws, and cat stomachs. Because if you step on the lasts soft expanse and the lion coils into a bunny kick... The end result is going to be the good general spread over a very thin tri- lion area.

How is he breathing by the way, I almost morbidly want to know...

I find it so funny that the Legend Red left behind to mop up is disapproving deer god. Even worse the lions are losing to its stern looks. I mean yveltal would have had coolness points and irony of being a birdie grim reaper... But "i'm not mad i'm disapointed" deer? Theres no dignity there.

I vote the sun is probably the safer of ends because it at least has an end. Also, no judgment so that's a plus.

And i vote for the sun winning per the gravitational force and heat. Its going to turn kitty tron land into the biggest meat pancake imaginable before the mess gets mushed down to its atoms as it incinerates...

It'll be the kittiest themed smash burger the milky way has ever seen.