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Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Spr_HGSS_Lance.png
Tempered Skies
Spr_HGSS_Jasmine.png

Spr_4d_147.png

Rating: T
Summary: Set during the events of HeartGold & SoulSilver, a newly traded dratini sparks a meeting between Olivine's Gym Leader Jasmine, and the Indigo League Champion, Lance. As they get acquainted, many secrets unfold regarding their own pasts, ambitions, and duties that lead them to something they least expect.
Main Characters: Lance, Jasmine, & Draco the Dratini.
Supporting: The Johto Gym Leaders, Indigo Elite Four, Kaburagi, Janina, Lance's Dragonite, Looker, Interpol (More will be added).
Genre: Action/Adventure, Romance, Crime.
Warnings: Violence, Blood, Swearing, Abuse, Death. Implied Sexual but not Explicit Content.
Also Posted At:
Ao3
FF.net
You are free to kudos/comment/review/follow/fave there too! :D
Author's Note:
This fanfiction is based on the HeartGold/SoulSilver games, with canon divergence. A couple of nods to the Pokémon anime here and there.
The main inspiration for this was the trade with Jasmine for her steelix in HGSS. I traded a dratini in my playthrough. I thought it would be fun to write about what happened next. Next, Lance is one of my favorite characters in the series. I felt this story would be a good setting for him to shine. That, and well... I want to tackle a rare pairing I absolutely adore. I am a sucker for rare ships and Pokémon is no exception.
This story will feature other major characters of Johto. It will also explore the culture, history, and politics behind the region. As well as Kanto.
Feedback and comments are appreciated. I am always receptive to them!
Pokémon © GameFreak and Nintendo.
 
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Chapter 1: Encounter At The Lighthouse

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Chapter 1: Encounter at The Lighthouse

Olivine City was a simple gateway from Johto to Kanto. Lance would pass through on occasion, boarding the S.S. Aqua to reach Vermilion City. The other occasion would be the Battle Frontier. Even as Indigo League Champion, Lance liked to indulge in other challenges. The latest was against Dahlia, the Arcade Star. The battle was turbulent but entertaining, each focused on strategies to win. Eventually, the arduous match ended in Lance being victorious. He had proven his status as one of the world's strongest trainers.

Dahlia was pleased with the result. Not only at her pokémon for the performance but of the Dragon Master. She beamed a hearty smile over the finale, returning her medicham back into the capsule.

She shook his hand. "You are truly worthy of your title! Absolutely fabulous! Your abilities are unmatched, Champion! I'm grateful for such an opportunity to battle you! It's no wonder you specialize in something strong as the dragon type. Dragon pokémon are full of endless potential that only a master such as you can achieve!"

Lance chuckled, releasing his hand. "You're no pushover yourself, Arcade Star Dahlia."

"Spare me the flattery! Your reputation precedes you, Champion. You inspire me, Dahlia, to train better!"

"I'm happy to hear that. You have the potential to achieve above and beyond. Just continue to hold a belief in your pokémon."

"Thank you. Now, what will you do next? Return to the Indigo Plateau? Or continue more challenges?"

"I'll probably fly back to Kanto. I would like to visit Celadon City to eat and stop by its department store. I need to take care of a few errands."

Dahlia was surprised by the long trip on his mind. "Oh, but that's far! Why not eat here at least? We have a Food Court, or... you can take a trip to the Olivine Café!"

There was a brief pause. Lance replied, "I don't think I've been there before."

"What?!" Dahlia cried, hand over her mouth. "It's a wonderful café! Have you not been to Olivine City?"

"I have, just not to visit. I mostly head for the port or the Battle Frontier."

"You're missing out! Tell you what, why not head over there? If you're a fan of seafood, you're in for great dishes!"

"Is that so?"

"Positive. It doesn't hurt to try! Olivine is a quiet city. I'm sure you won't be chased by paparazzi as you would be in Celadon."

Lance let out a snort, aware of his status… but Dahlia had a point. This was a chance for some peace. "All right, you win. I'll check it out."

"Fantastic! Let me know what you think. Say hello to the café owner for me, will you?"

He nodded before departing the Battle Arcade. Lance passed through groups of elite and ace trainers, their eyes tracking his movement. Recognizing him, whispers and murmurs escaped through their lips. Used to spotlight, Lance scampered further away. Thankfully, any tabloid-related shenanigans were kept minimum in the Battle Frontier due to the sake of privacy. It would serve as nothing but a diversion from the challenges.

On the contrary, Johto was a lot more reserved in their adoration for him than Kanto. Lance was secretly grateful for that. He suspected it was because of his major presence there than in his home region.

Outside Frontier Access, Lance chucked his poké ball. "Dragonite!"

A flash of light flew out of the device, exhibiting his most trusted companion. He let out a cheerful cry, spreading his small wings.

"Hey." Lance gave gentle pats on Dragonite's head. "We're heading somewhere new, Olivine City. Are you up for it?"

Dragonite nodded, arching down so his trainer could climb up. "Excellent, let's go." Once Lance settled in a comfortable position, he commanded Dragonite to take the skies.

Soaring through clouds, with the wind brushing against his carmine hair and black lead cape, Lance mused on Dahlia's statements. He wasn't involved with the Johto region as much as he thought. More so due to Kanto being urban with more opportunities. It was why, as he reminisced, he left Blackthorn City. Traveling to another region would give him a wider outlook on what his goals were. When he was young, the Elders of the Blackthorn clan were not fond of him leaving to travel. It took much persuasion for his grandfather, the clan's leader, to grant leeway. The Master was hesitant of having Clair take care of the clan's duties while Lance was away. His grandson was persistent and stubborn to give up on his goals.

Even with his grandfather's permission, Lance made a vow to be part of the Blackthorn's prestigious clan. To master the dragons which were revered as mythical beings. His family's lineage traced back to generations of working with dragon pokémon whom they were of close kin. The special relationship between the members and their dragon companions was unbreakable. Lance was bestowed to continue the tradition, to which he had no complaint. Not when he was gifted a dratini at a young age. Now a giant and strong dragonite who dutifully served his master.

It was a stepping stone to leaving Blackthorn to becoming one of the most recognized and best trainers in the world. Being a champion was no easy task, years of traveling across regions along with leading Kanto's Elite Four at one point brought him to now. Nonetheless, Lance eventually returned back home. His family was more than impressed with what he achieved. It strengthened his position as the next leader of the clan. Truly, Blackthorn's rising star.

His stardom came to a halt when two boys from Kanto gave him the biggest defeat of his life three years ago. An utter blow to his confidence. One child was now a gym leader in Viridian City and the other disappeared into the deep tundra of Mt. Silver. Lance could never forget them. Blue and Red served as a lesson that the title of being at the top only inflated the ego. To stay at the top was fleeting.

Humbled, he would come back eventually. Only this time, as the champion of Indigo Plateau.

Dragonite's own top speed had Lance hanging in the sky for several minutes. They landed straight in front of Johto's famous city port. Lance thought of whether to put Dragonite back into the capsule but ultimately decided to have him stay. He set his poké ball back in his pocket. "How about you stick around, Dragonite? No missions or battles. Just a time of relaxation. You deserve it."

The flying dragon let out a small cry of joy. His master smiled.

Lance stepped on the hard tiles that decorated the sidewalk. Each tile was under a circular design, with an optical illusion that they were spinning. Its sleek look marked a staple of Olivine's infrastructure, along with the misty sea air and sandy terrain. Not far was the ocean, but it would take a few blocks to arrive down at the beach and the dock of the S.S Aqua. Olivine was a fairly populated city for Johto, but not of the same caliber as Goldenrod.

Dragonite glanced toward the far left. There stood the massive and famous Glitter Lighthouse on a cliff. A major beacon of the city and guiding light for sea voyages. It stood dark and had no traces of light, with the skies still bright in shades of pink and orange – the sun setting slowly on the horizon.

There weren't many people around as Lance and Dragonite passed through the streets. When people did take notice – they were less inclined to run up to him. More so they would speak in whispers, mostly younger folk over his purpose in Olivine City. Elder folk greeted him with respect, wishing the Champion to enjoy his stay. Some were merchants offering discounts or freebies on their products – to which Lance respectfully declined. One asked about his reason for being here.

"The Olivine Café. Is it close by?"

"Oh, that's a wonderful place! It's a few blocks south and you should turn left, the closest to it is the Pokémon Center," the merchant said. "You better hurry! It closes in an hour!"

"Thank you." Lance mounted on the back of his dragon. "Dragonite, looks like we're taking the skies to save time."

Dragonite took off with his master, and the merchant waved.

It was another quick few minutes, the two passed as a blur and they landed in front of the café. Lance hopped down before turning to Dragonite. They both nodded and Lance pressed through the glass door, entering the small establishment.

It was quite small, porcelain tiles spread all over the floor. Tall shrubs decorated each corner of the café. A group of sailors sat around a large wooden table, drinking and laughing. They paused upon seeing the Dragon Master at their display. All quiet, then muttering.

"Is that Champion Lance?"

"He barely ever visits this place."

"Thought he abandoned Johto for Kanto. What is he doing here in Olivine?"

Lance ignored the gossip and sat in one of the green chairs near the counter. Dragonite took a seat next to him. In front was the counter boy sweeping the floor, listening to his Pokégear. A familiar tune poured out of the speakers.

"Good Evening people of Johto! This is Buena live from Goldenrod Radio Tower! Time for today's password! Today's password is – "

"Hey!" shouted the café owner. He was a fisherman and scolded the counter boy for listening to the radio. "Don't you see who we have in front of us?!"

"Huh?" The boy lowered the radio volume. His eyes widened as Lance continued to gaze sternly. "Oh crap! I am so sorry!"

The Champion's intimidating look softened. "It's fine. I know how popular Buena's show is. I have a couple of colleagues who listen to it."

He crossed his arms. "But I hope there is enough time for me to order."

"Oh, of course, Sir!" The boy scrambled to find a pamphlet. "Do you want to look at our menu?"

"Isn't there one up there?" Lance pointed up at the display board with the menu written on it. The boy, startled and face flushed… apologized again.

Behind the owner shook his head. "Apologies Champion Lance, but we'll be open for as long as you are here."

"I won't be here for so long, don't worry."

"Then we'll make your trip here worthwhile!" The owner laughed. His kind demeanor switched to an aggressive one toward his employee. "And you! I'll take care of the Champ's order, you better head over to the lighthouse and deliver the food!"

"Yes Sir!" The boy scurried away into the back and the owner focused on Lance. "Take all the time you need, Champ. I'll be waiting."

Lance scanned the menu above for anything of his liking. Dahlia was correct that most items were seafood. Some drinks here and there… from soft ones such as tea and harsher ones like gin. "I'll have your special today."

"The Olivine Seared Scallop Pasta? That's our most popular one! I'm sure you've heard that our Olivine is known for its seafood!"

"I have." Lance looked around the menu. "But I've never been here before, can't believe it took me this long to come here."

"Well, first is a first! We've been in the business since you were in diapers, hahaha!"

"Hah, I believe that."

"Then is that what you will order? What about anything else? Like for your dragonite?"

Meanwhile, the kitchen door opened and the counter boy came out – the order in a brown bag. Afterward came out his pokémon, a wingull. "C'mon Wingull, we gotta get to the lighthouse. I am sure Jasmine is waiting for us." Wingull chirped and the two slowly walked through the restaurant.

"What do you think you're doing?!" The shop owner yelled. Frightened, the boy almost dropped the order. "I told you to use the back entrance! You never come out here when there are customers around!"

"S - sorry," The boy mumbled. "It's just… I find this way faster than walking all the way from the back."

"Imagine if you had dropped it! What would Jasmine say?! She spent good money on that! I don't want to lose one of our most trusted clients! The only reason why she isn't here to pick it up is because of the dratini she is taking care of at the lighthouse!"

Lance spun his head in surprise. A dratini here in the Glitter Lighthouse? He was sure the only known pokémon to reside was an ampharos who supplied power there. Curiosity piqued his interest. "Did you say a dratini?"

"Ah, so the gym leader here got a new pokémon," the owner explained. "You know Jasmine, right? The Steel-Clad Defense Girl who used steel pokémon and owns the ampharos at our lighthouse?"

"Yes."

Except Lance wasn't familiar with Jasmine.

In fact, he wasn't close with the Gym Leaders of Johto besides his cousin Clair and Pryce from the neighboring town. But the others were more simply employees of the League that he did not interact with. He knew of their name, titles, pokémon typing they used, and appearance. But nothing beyond, and with him being busy with other matters as Champion and constant travel, there was little chance to talk. On occasion, he did see them once a year for a conference to discuss anything relating to the Pokémon League. Yet, he was more acquaintances with the Kanto Gym Leaders and the Elite Four. With Gym Leaders such as Erika from visiting Celadon Department Store, Blue from battling him once, Blaine from the incident at Cinnabar Island, Misty for almost joining the Elite Four, and Janine for being Koga's daughter.

But toward the Gym Leaders of his own home of Johto, he was more distant.

"Recently, she traded away her steelix for a new pokémon. A dratini. Although, heard she has been having some problems since she got it two days ago. The poor thing isn't really eating."

Lance frowned, concerned with this story. He could help with this a baby dragon. The pokémon type he had long mastered for all of his life. He rose up from his chair, facing the boy. "If you don't mind, I will make the delivery."

"What?! But Champion Lance, you didn't even order!" The owner cried.

"The needs of the pokémon are more important than my own. Come, Dragonite." Lance's pokémon hopped out of the seat to follow.

His trainer took the order. "I hope this helps."

The boy sighed in contentment from the huge weight off his shoulders. "Thank you."

Lance drew out a quick smile before turning away with Dragonite. "I'll return soon. Count on it."

He pushed through the glass door, shutting it across the shocked shopkeeper's face.



"Just a little longer, all right?"

Her voice was soothing. Delicate fingertips caressed the wet scaly skin of the blue serpentine pokémon. Dratini whined, closing his eyes… listening to the lukewarm water brushing his small, slender body.

Jasmine continued to pet her baby dragon softly, maintaining a gentle expression. For how long that composure would last was debatable. The baby had trouble with the general food given to pokémon. He would mostly either vomit or eat very little. It was clear Dratini needed a special kind of diet. She felt a rising tension in her stomach, and breathed deeply. Now was not the time to be anxious. She had to remain calm. At least for the sake of Dratini. She would make a trip to Blackthorn tomorrow to seek some advice and get the proper food.

Dratini was lulled by the water. Jasmine had been washing him in a small tub. The water was rich with vitamins and minerals from a formula she poured specifically for baby pokémon.

"We're almost done Dratini." She rinsed off the baby dragon. An ampharos marched by to look at the view of the ocean and Olivine Port from the top of the lighthouse. One window was smudged and the ampharos rubbed his flipper to clean it.

Jasmine reached for a towel to bring Dratini out of the tub and into her arms. He shook himself to rid of the extra water, which made her laugh. "Oh, you got me wet!"

He yawned as Jasmine dried his body softly. "And, all done."

She heard her ampharos, the gatekeeper of the lighthouse growl at his struggle to remove the stain. "Oh Amphy, leave it alone. I'll make sure to get Janina to wipe the windows tomorrow morning, okay?"

Amphy sighed, walking away. Jasmine got up, placing a hand to cover her forehead as the sunset was brightening the top deck of the lighthouse. "It's getting dark. I wonder where my order is. I told Magnemite to alert me if it sees anyone…"



Lance arrived at the Glitter Lighthouse. Dragonite gazed around the empty lobby. He pointed at the elevator. "I see. She must be at the top then. Well, it's either the elevator or the stairs. How about the elevator?"

Dragonite complied, approaching the elevator door. Lance pressed the bottom button, waiting for the doors to open.

To their surprise, they encountered a brunette in a summer teal dress and sandals. An orange ribbon clamped her white top, while a magnemite sat on her shoulder. "Oh!" She was so startled by his appearance.

"Just who I was looking for," Lance said. "Jasmine, right? Gym Leader of Olivine City?" He and Dragonite entered the elevator.

"C-Champion Lance?" Jasmine asked, astonished to see the region's champion here. This was a rare visit. She would inquire about his presence further but saw her order. "Oh... is that?"

Lance nodded, serving a smile. "I have a delivery." The doors slammed shut and the elevator climbed up. Jasmine whirled her head in embarrassment. "What?! But I asked the people of Olivine Cafe – "

"Don't worry about it, I decided to bring it for them," Lance explained. "Here's your dinner."

"Oh, um... thank you. But what brings you here? You could have delivered this at the entrance."

"I could have, but…" There was a hesitant look on his face. Jasmine must be flabbergasted over his sudden appearance. What could she be thinking? They barely saw each other often. "…you have a dratini?"

Jasmine meekly responded to the change of topic. "Yes... how did you know?"

"I heard you recently received one in a trade. Congratulations, dragons are the most majestic and toughest of pokémon types. Especially the dratini line."

"T – thank you… oh, you're a Dragon Tamer, right? You specialize in dragon types."

"That's right."

Before Jasmine could respond, the Champion made a frown. "However, I'm concerned with how you are caring for him. I hear he hasn't been eating well?"

"Is that your true reason for coming here?"

"Yes. I'd like to take a look at your dratini, if you don't mind."

This was certainly not just a coincidence, but a good one. If Lance was willing to assist, then what good would come out if she refused someone who was an expert of a pokémon type she wasn't herself? "Of course..."

The elevator stopped, opening its door to reveal they were in the light room of the lighthouse. Jasmine stepped out first, leading Lance to the location of the dratini. She pressed through a glass door where around stood a balcony circling across the lighthouse. Dratini was sitting on a blanket, lightly dozing off.

"I just gave him a bath," Jasmine said. "I figured the use of some herbal nutrients from this formula for baby pokémon would be of assistance. I hear dratini can build up lots of energy."

Lance did not respond. Instead, he stood in front of the baby dragon. Dragonite hovered lightly to avoid startling it. His trainer sat in front of the dratini. The baby's weak eyes opened.

"Hey." He gently placed dratini on his lap… lightly rubbing the scales. "You're quite small."

To Jasmine's wonder… the dratini felt relaxed and secure under Lance's touch, curling up on his lap. "What brought upon this trade?"

"I wanted to train a new pokémon so I can become a stronger trainer... and coordinator. So, I traded away my Rusty and received him in return."

"Rusty? Is that a nickname?"

"Yes, it's the name of the steelix that I traded away..."

No reply, prompting her to speak again so she could avoid the awkward silence. "Er... I've been doing my best to raise him but he seems to be very fussy with food."

Jasmine fiddled with her dress, shamefully describing her care over a pokémon type she had little experience with. "I… have tried many different types of dishes but he doesn't eat well. It's got to the point where I will travel to Blackthorn City tomorrow to seek some advice. I know Blackthorn is known for its… worship and respect for the dragon type."

Lance hummed, it was clear Jasmine had little practice with dragon types. He was rather skeptical as to why she was traded a dratini in the first place, and why she accepted it. It seemed more like the pokémon was given away like a toy. After all, they were rare pokémon and revered in his hometown.

"His cry is weak. While the bath may help retain some nutrients, his skin is dry. Let's see what I can do here." He dug something from his own bag. "Now where is it, ah… I have plenty." He pulled out a special type of water bottle, its brand labeled from Blackthorn.

"Water?" Jasmine asked. "I've tried giving him some earlier. Is that one different?"

"This is mineral water from the underground springs of Dragon's Den. I always carry a few at my disposal. This should help sustain Dratini for a while." Lance poured the water into a bowl. He reached into his own bag again, pulling out a bag of fresh algae. "Here, these are rich in vitamins, antitoxins, and essential to growth." Placing some on his fresh hand, he coaxed Dratini by wavering it around its mouth. "It's all right. I won't hurt you. Come on." Hearing the easing voice to insure peace, Dratini took a quick sniff of the algae, before munching on it.

He smirked, the palm of his hand tickled among Dratini's feeding on the algae.

"Wow. You're very prepared," Jasmine said.

"I have to be," said Lance. "The algae come from deep within the underground lake of Dragon's Den. Generally, dratini like to feed down there for the first few months of life before they can move on to other types of food. For that, I am going to leave some bags of the algae I have with some mineral water."

"How can I ever repay you…" Jasmine twisted a lock of brown hair timidly.

"Dragon pokémon can be picky with food. It's one of the reasons why they are difficult to train. They respond to a certain amount of textures and flavors, especially when young."

"I... didn't know that."

There was a crunching noise. Dratini had finished eating the sample and slithered into the bag, sticking his head more of the algae. Lance laughed. "Hey, don't suffocate yourself."

He poured the algae into another bowl, and the pokémon slithered toward and ate further. "It should start to look healthier by tomorrow. Just keep feeding those bags I gave you with the water."

"But where can I get more? It doesn't seem that the Poké Mart in Olivine carries those two products," Jasmine said worriedly.

"Goldenrod Department Store should have them. That's the only place I can think of right now." Lance crossed his arms. "It's either that or Blackthorn City, and Goldenrod is much closer here. I suggest you head out there as soon as you can, the supplies I gave will only last for a few days."

"All right, thank you… Champion Lance. Again, how could I ever repay you – "

"You don't need to thank me," Lance interrupted. "I'm only doing what's necessary. However, a word of caution. If you continue to have issues, you should rethink keeping this dratini. I don't mean to scare you, but dragon types aren't easy pokémon to raise. They require a lot more effort than most types. For example, some shed their skin a lot – clean-up is common. Some can also become aggressive if they lack proper training." Dragonite nodded in agreement, releasing a small snort.

"I… I understand." Jasmine placed her head down in slight guilt. Granted she didn't expect to be traded such pokémon. The thought of her dratini suffering due to her own shortcomings to the complexity of the matter brought her horror.

"Unless, if you believe that you have the capability of raising him along with doing massive research, then by all means I wish you the best." Lance placed a hand on her shoulder for assurance. Jasmine lightly twitched from the touch. "You are the sixth gym leader of Johto with expertise in the steel type. If you mastered that challenging type along with gaining the trust of your pokémon, you may be able to handle this little one. He could become a wonderful companion to you, provided that you will give him the love and care he needs. You'll just have to push harder than usual."

He shifted toward Dragonite, releasing his hand. "I leave the rest to you. If you ever need anything, Clair should be able to help you. I do recommend you visit Blackthorn to understand the dragon type better."

"I see. Thank you."

Lance mounted Dragonite, giving one final look at her with a small smile. Dragonite's wings flapped as he took off into the skies with his trainer. Jasmine watched the duo ride off into the setting sun, warm colors receded into the pitch blackness in the sky that followed.

"No! Wait!" Jasmine turned to find the counter boy from the café running at her with a bag. "Where's Champion Lance?! Did he just leave?!"

"Um, you just missed him."

"Crap! My boss told me to give him this, it's the special he originally ordered from the café but he never got to eat it. He didn't eat or drink anything at all! Aw man, this sucks! My one chance to hang out with the Champ and he's gone!"

Jasmine looked back toward the sky, now dark… she could barely make out the duo anymore. They were probably out of range now. Dratini glided toward her feet. A sad cry escaped his lips... yearning for them to return.

The Gym Leader picked up the baby dragon, hugging him tight to her chest. "It's all right. We'll see them again. Just like when you'll see Lyra once you're all grown up. I'm sure of it."

There was a slight exaggeration in her last words to Dratini. The notion of seeing Lance again was less likely than the one with who she traded Rusty away. Lance was a busy man with his own affairs as well as being Champion of the Pokémon League. How could he make time for her and Dratini in the lighthouse? Notably after what he had told her? Such possibilities were small as finding a legendary, but those words are what calmed her pokémon down. Lance's warning also haunted her... his grim voice pushing through her mind. He brought up good points and was much more of an experienced trainer. What good argument could she have come up with in her defense? In spite of that, Jasmine wanted to challenge his straightforward opinion. It was only just recently that she received Dratini. She couldn't give him back, not this quickly.

Jasmine found it pointless to ponder on the matter further. She would continue to raise and care for her new dratini that would live with Amphy in the lighthouse, along with following her duties as a gym leader.

And perhaps, once Dratini was fully trained, participate in contests.

Edit 4/19/23 - Thank you to @Pen for the feedback and critique!
 
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Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Hi railgun! So great to have some new Lance content on the forum. I had a lot of fun checking out this first chapter.

It was fun seeing how the people of Olivine City reacted to running into Lance. Double take: it's the champion! I was intrigued by the hints you dropped about Lance favoring Kanto and neglecting Johto. It seems like that's bred some resentment in Johto.

In general, I enjoyed your Lance. He's got a mixed stern and oblivious energy that I find really endearing. I could easily picture the moment he crossed his arms in the restaurant, and I chuckled when he dropped everything the moment he caught a wind of there being a sick dratini. It's funny how natural that response is to Lance and how confusing it is to everyone else. Hard for non clan members to understand the importance of the dratini line to the people of Blackthorn! Jasmine spends the whole encounter clearly thrown off balance by the fact that the champion has randomly materialized with her delivery order and Lance is so laser-focused on the dratini that he barely manages the social niceties.

The scene with Lance feeding the dratini was super cute. I loved your lore about the mineral water and dratini's eating habits. The fact that dratini are only found in Blackthorn raises interesting questions about why that is, and your lore answered that neatly.

I would have enjoyed getting a little more from Jasmine. I wondered why she chose to trade away her steelix--in the games, it's her ace. That doesn't seem like the kind of companion you'd trade away lightly! I was also curious how her experience with dratini compared to her experiences raising steel and electric types. It would have been nice to see some ways that Jasmine is an expert trainer in her own field, but how her knowledge fails to transfer over with the dratini.

Also:

Congratulations, dragons are the most majestic and toughest of pokémon types. Especially the dratini line.
Who doesn't take every opportunity to drop this fact, honestly.

Looking forward to seeing more chapters of this on TR!

When I have the time, I'm in the habit of noting grammar issues or other things that threw me in the prose. If you're not looking for that kind of feedback, I can stick to substantive stuff!

Rarely, Lance visited Olivine City.
This opening sentence threw me off a bit--I think because the most usual position for "rarely" would be after "Lance." Having "rarely" first places a lot of emphasis on the word that doesn't seem warranted by the context.

He had proven his stance as one of the world's strongest trainers.
I'm not sure "stance" is the word you want here. A stance is a position (either physical or figurative). Perhaps his "status"?

"You are truly worthy of your title! Absolutely fabulous!" She cried, shaking hands.
When you have a speech verb following dialogue and a comma like you have here, the speaker is lower-cased: "Absolutely fabulous," she cried, shaking hands.

Lance passed through groups of elite and ace trainers, their eyes gauging his presence.
When you're gauging something, you're measuring it--I don't think that quite fits here, since you don't measure someone's presence. Perhaps "their eyes taking in his presence" or "their eyes tracking his movement."

Recognizing him, whispers and murmurs breached the air.
The use of "breached" threw me a bit here.

He scampered further away, he was used to receiving the spotlight.
You've got a comma splice here--a comma being used to connect two independent clauses. Tying together two independent clauses requires stronger punctuation than a comma. You could break this into two sentences with a period. You could use an em dash to connect them. You could also reword so that it's one independent clause with a dependent clause: Used to receiving the spotlight, Lance scampered further away.

He suspected it because of his major presence there than in his home region.
Think you dropped a "was" here!

The Elders of the Blackthorn clan were not fond of Lance leaving at the time. It took much persuasion for his grandfather, the clan's leader, to grant leeway. The Master was hesitant of having Clair take care of the clan's duties while Lance was away. His grandson was persistent and stubborn to give up on his goals.

Even with his grandfather's permission, Lance made a vow to be part of the Blackthorn's prestigious clan. To master the dragons which were revered as mythical beings. His family's lineage traced back to generations of working with dragon pokémon whom they were of close kin. The special relationship between the members and their dragon companions was unbreakable. Lance was bestowed to continue the tradition, to which he had no complaint. Not when he was gifted a dratini at a young age. Now a giant and strong dragonite who dutifully served his master. Finally, his grandfather insisted that in exchange - Lance may have to give up his title of Champion along with traveling to lead the clan one day.

It had been a long time since then.
I was a bit confused by the timing of this. It has been a long time since his grandfather insisted Lance give up his title?

One was now a gym leader in Viridian City and the other disappeared somewhere.

The ride was swift.
This transition felt a bit abrupt.

Each title was under a circular design
* tile

More so they would speak in whispers, much younger folk in attachment to him and his purpose in Olivine City.
I wasn't sure how you were using "in attachment to" here.

Despite the Champion's intimidating look, it softened.
I wasn't sure what "it" was referring to here.

The boy scrambled to find a pamphlet. Nervous, he wanted to make a good impression.
Not at all a big deal, but this stood out to me as a showing vs telling moment. The first sentence shows us that the boy is nervous and trying to please. The second sentence tells us it. You probably don't need the second sentence to convey the idea!

I am sure you have heard of our Olivine known for its seafood."
I think this sentence got scrambled a bit. It seems like it should be: "I'm sure you've heard that our Olivine is known for its seafood!"

Curiosity piqued his interest, which even Dragonite picked up.
The "even" here implies that it's unusual for Dragonite to pick up on Lance's feelings--is that the implication you intended here?

But for the Gym Leaders of his own home of Johto, he was more distant.
I think you want "towards" instead of "for" here.

It was also a sort of development he could be able to help – especially when a baby dragon was in need.
I found the first part of this sentence a bit confusing. I think the use of "development" is what's throwing me.

"The concern of the pokémon is more important than my own needs. Come, Dragonite."
I definitely get the gist of this but "concern of the pokemon" is a bit confusing here. Maybe something like "The needs of the pokemon are more important than my own."

He would mostly either vomit or eat very little, it was clear Dratini needed a special kind of diet.
This is another comma splice.

Now was not the time to be anxious, she had to remain calm.
Same here.

The Gym Leader would make a trip to Blackthorn tomorrow to seek some advice and get the proper food.
It was a little strange that the narrative shifted from calling her Jasmine to "the Gym Leader" here. The Gym Leader sounds very distant when we're in her head at the moment.

Dratini was lulled by the water, Jasmine had been washing him in a small tub.
Another comma splice.

He shook himself to rid of the extra water, which brought the Gym Leader to laugh.
Idiomatically, this should probably be "made the Gym Leader laugh."

I told Magnemite to alert me if it sees anyone…"

Lance arrived inside the Glitter Lighthouse.
A scene break here might have been nice!

Dragonite gazed around the empty lobby, with no one around.
This felt a bit redundant. If the lobby is empty, it follows that no one is around.

"Oh... is that?"

Lance nodded, serving a smile. "I have a delivery." The doors slammed shut and the elevator climbed up.
The comedic timing here was great.

"I could have, but…" There was a hesitant look on his face to reveal a piece of his true intentions.
I wondered why he was hesitating to reveal the real reason he came here.

"I wanted to train a new pokémon so I can become a stronger trainer... and coordinator. So, I traded away my Rusty and received him in return."

"Rusty?"

"The name of my steelix that I traded away. I... tend to give my pokémon nicknames..."
Is nicknaming strange in your 'verse?

It seemed more like the pokémon was given away as a luxury.
I wasn't entirely sure what this meant.
 

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Hi railgun! So great to have some new Lance content on the forum. I had a lot of fun checking out this first chapter.

It was fun seeing how the people of Olivine City reacted to running into Lance. Double take: it's the champion! I was intrigued by the hints you dropped about Lance favoring Kanto and neglecting Johto. It seems like that's bred some resentment in Johto.

In general, I enjoyed your Lance. He's got a mixed stern and oblivious energy that I find really endearing. I could easily picture the moment he crossed his arms in the restaurant, and I chuckled when he dropped everything the moment he caught a wind of there being a sick dratini. It's funny how natural that response is to Lance and how confusing it is to everyone else. Hard for non clan members to understand the importance of the dratini line to the people of Blackthorn! Jasmine spends the whole encounter clearly thrown off balance by the fact that the champion has randomly materialized with her delivery order and Lance is so laser-focused on the dratini that he barely manages the social niceties.

The scene with Lance feeding the dratini was super cute. I loved your lore about the mineral water and dratini's eating habits. The fact that dratini are only found in Blackthorn raises interesting questions about why that is, and your lore answered that neatly.

I would have enjoyed getting a little more from Jasmine. I wondered why she chose to trade away her steelix--in the games, it's her ace. That doesn't seem like the kind of companion you'd trade away lightly! I was also curious how her experience with dratini compared to her experiences raising steel and electric types. It would have been nice to see some ways that Jasmine is an expert trainer in her own field, but how her knowledge fails to transfer over with the dratini.
Ahhh, thank you so much Pen! I feel so grateful and honored you reviewed the first chapter of my fic! :D I am glad you enjoy Lance's character so far! Of course, people have different interpretations but I always saw him as a stern, responsible and humble guy. With a bit of a competitive side since well, he's a champion!

Regarding Jasmine, it's true I could have expanded with her experience on steel types and the steelix she traded away. Will see if I can add it. I should clarify that she has two of them! It's based on the Super Contests in Platinum. She uses a male steelix named Rusty, and trades that same steelix in HGSS. She still has her ace, who is generally female in the games. I should make that clear and I will do so soon, thank you for pointing it out!
When I have the time, I'm in the habit of noting grammar issues or other things that threw me in the prose. If you're not looking for that kind of feedback, I can stick to substantive stuff!
By all means, give me any sort of constructive criticism on prose and grammar too! I appreciate it immensely! Thank you!
This opening sentence threw me off a bit--I think because the most usual position for "rarely" would be after "Lance." Having "rarely" first places a lot of emphasis on the word that doesn't seem warranted by the context.
Okay, will do that. I might eliminate that first sentence entirely and rework the paragraph.
I'm not sure "stance" is the word you want here. A stance is a position (either physical or figurative). Perhaps his "status"?
Yeah, 'status' seems better, thank you.
When you have a speech verb following dialogue and a comma like you have here, the speaker is lower-cased: "Absolutely fabulous," she cried, shaking hands.
Huh, will rework that sentence!
When you're gauging something, you're measuring it--I don't think that quite fits here, since you don't measure someone's presence. Perhaps "their eyes taking in his presence" or "their eyes tracking his movement."
Gotcha.
The use of "breached" threw me a bit here.
You've got a comma splice here--a comma being used to connect two independent clauses. Tying together two independent clauses requires stronger punctuation than a comma. You could break this into two sentences with a period. You could use an em dash to connect them. You could also reword so that it's one independent clause with a dependent clause: Used to receiving the spotlight, Lance scampered further away.
I generally try to break up sentences with a period or use the em dash. In that case, I'll stick to it more.
I was a bit confused by the timing of this. It has been a long time since his grandfather insisted Lance give up his title?
Well, it was more that happened in the past. Lance knows he will have to take over the clan one day. I'll fix the paragraphs for clarity's sake.
This transition felt a bit abrupt.
Should add some more substance then. Hm.
I wasn't sure how you were using "in attachment to" here.
It's an awkward sentence rereading it. Will fix that.
I wasn't sure what "it" was referring to here.
The expression, but will change the sentence.
Not at all a big deal, but this stood out to me as a showing vs telling moment. The first sentence shows us that the boy is nervous and trying to please. The second sentence tells us it. You probably don't need the second sentence to convey the idea!
Yeah, I feel like my issue is that I overexplain things. Gonna remove it.
I think this sentence got scrambled a bit. It seems like it should be: "I'm sure you've heard that our Olivine is known for its seafood!"
That sounds much better, thank you.
The "even" here implies that it's unusual for Dragonite to pick up on Lance's feelings--is that the implication you intended here?
Hmm... not quite. If that was the impression I gave, I shall fix that too!
I think you want "towards" instead of "for" here.
Yeah, I did. Thanks.
I found the first part of this sentence a bit confusing. I think the use of "development" is what's throwing me.
Another awkward phrase I wrote. Damn, you have good eyes. Thank you.
I definitely get the gist of this but "concern of the pokemon" is a bit confusing here. Maybe something like "The needs of the pokemon are more important than my own."
And another awkward phrase. Fack, will fix.
This is another comma splice.
Oof.
Same here.
Strike two! Will change.
It was a little strange that the narrative shifted from calling her Jasmine to "the Gym Leader" here. The Gym Leader sounds very distant when we're in her head at the moment.
Interesting, I suppose from her point of view it wouldn't be necessary. Time to change!
Another comma splice.
I think I am seeing what my weaknesses are here.
Idiomatically, this should probably be "made the Gym Leader laugh."
I swear awkward phrasing and comma splices are my banes of existence now, huh? LOL
A scene break here might have been nice!
Will do.
This felt a bit redundant. If the lobby is empty, it follows that no one is around.
True, no need for it.
The comedic timing here was great.
Thank you!
I wondered why he was hesitating to reveal the real reason he came here.
It was more that he knows it was weird for him to be at the lighthouse since he is the champion and doesn't make much appearances in Johto. Will have to clarify that further!
Is nicknaming strange in your 'verse?
For Lance I would say, I should emphasize that.
I wasn't entirely sure what this meant.
It was about the dratini being given away like a prized toy. Will clarify when I get the chance to re-edit!

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to review! I hope you will enjoy what is to come! I'll be taking your constructive criticism and cleaning up this chapter when I get the chance! Tomorrow at best. Especially before I post the next one! :D
 
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bluesidra

Mood
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. hoppip-bluesidra-reup
  2. hoppip-bluesidra-pink
  3. hoppip-bluesidra3
Oh boy, a Johto fic? Lance and dragon types may be Pen's backyard, but it just so happens to neighbor mine too.

So, Lance is our protagonist here. He's the kind of stiff I expect from Lance, but so far, he hadn't had much of a chance to show off his character. Other than respectful (towards Dahlia), kind (towards the dratini) and stern (towards Jasmine), he wasn't really forced to go out of himself a lot. But I guess that's okay. He did prove that, although he was hungry, the well-being of a dratini was more important to him than his mealtime.
He also doesn't seem like much of a people-person. His main way of handling them seems to be putting himself at a distance, and he doesn't really seek out other folks to talk to. He'd rather fly a super-short distance (market->cafe) than walk through the streets. His disconnect from Johto is very obvious (I am contractually bound to scoff at him for that), and I'm looking forward as to how that'll come along.

Jasmine is clearly in over her head with the little guy, but she's got her heart in the right place. However, I do wonder how she could have traded her steelix away. It makes me hope she's really good friends with Lyra and Rusty has the time of his life in Pokethlon right now.

Olivine sadly didn't get the spotlight I hoped it would. There's one paragraph of description for the city, and it focuses on the tiles (nothing wrong with it, focusing on such small but tangible details is v good when describing such a big place). But I didn't get a feel for how this city looked like. If it has modern buildings or old ones, if it's tightly packed or a loose accumulation of houses, such things.
I know it's hard to pack that in there too, first chapters are always a tightrope-act of cramming in exposition. But maybe don't have Lance fly to the cafe after he landed at the market but walk there.

Worldbuilding-wise, I'd have liked to see a tiiiiny bit more clarification on how dratini are legally handled in this universe. I'm spoiled by Pen's Dragon Dance, where it is a big issue and gets a lot of screentime. Here I get the impression that Blackthorn has some sort of monopoly on them, but not really, because Lance isn't terribly shocked to see a dratini in the hands of a less than qualified trainer. But if they are only found in Blackthorn, one would think that the dragon clan keeps them under strict protection. (of course, things like the casino prize still exist, but that's run by a criminal organisation).

All in all, a very fast, enjoyable read, and I'm looking forward to where that goes. Quite literally, I want to see more of Johto. But also between Lance and Jasmine.

Cheers, blue

Olivine City was a simple gateway from Johto to Kanto.
Uhm, excuse me Sir???? It isn't?????? Kantonian snobs...
She shook his hand. "You are truly worthy of your title! Absolutely fabulous! Your abilities are unmatched, Champion! I'm grateful for such an opportunity to battle you! It's no wonder you specialize in something strong as the dragon type. Dragon pokémon are full of endless potential that only a master such as you can achieve!"
A bit much flattery, isn't it? You could probably cut out two sentences there to make her come off less like a "bootlicker"
Lance mounted on the back of his dragon. "Dragonite, looks like we're taking the skies to save time."
Oh? Don't the Dragonites have nicknames? With three of them that'll get rather hard.
"S - sorry," The boy mumbled. "It's just… I find this way faster than walking all the way from the back."

"Imagine if you had dropped it! What would Jasmine say?! She spent good money on that! I don't want to lose one of our most trusted clients! The only reason why she isn't here to pick it up is because of the dratini she is taking care of at the lighthouse!"

Lance spun his head in surprise. A dratini here in the Glitter Lighthouse? He was sure the only known pokémon to reside was an ampharos who supplied power there. Curiosity piqued his interest. "Did you say a dratini?"
This seems a bit contrived/exposition-dumpy. Like, everything before and after that flowed so well, that this exchange here stuck out like a sore thumb. And yep, the third paragraph is the plothook.
Maybe something more like
Boy: I'm off to the lighthouse
Owner: Do you have the dragon-baby formula?
Boy: Oh, crap! *runs back and fetches it*
Lance: Dragon-baby-formula?
Owner: You see... (Insert part about Jasmine etc here)
She heard her ampharos, the gatekeeper of the lighthouse growl at his struggle to remove the stain. "Oh Amphy, leave it alone. I'll make sure to get Janina to wipe the windows tomorrow morning, okay?"
This is an interesting exchange. Jasmine doesn't seem to be a hands-on person, rather doing it herself, she defers this task to the groundskeeper. It makes it sound like she's been around servants her entire life and is just used to setting such tasks.
They barely saw each other often.
"barely" and "often" don't go together well. Either or.
"How can I ever repay you…" Jasmine twisted a lock of brown hair timidly.
I tend to read hair-twisting as an obvious sign of flirting, but that's clearly not her intent here.
"You are the sixth gym leader of Johto with expertise in the steel type.
She's the first Gym Leader of Johto to specialise in the steel type, that's canon. She's the sixth (possibly fifth) GL in the johtonian Gym Circuit. It's worded a bit fuzzy here.
He didn't eat or drink anything at all!
...nor did he pay...
 

bluesidra

Mood
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. hoppip-bluesidra-reup
  2. hoppip-bluesidra-pink
  3. hoppip-bluesidra3
Okay, I've read through the second chapter on AO3 now as well. Sadly, no quotes this time.

Some thoughts:

I like Whitney a lot! She is fun and showed a great amount of personality. The sentence about how she thinks Jasmine is cute but she would never admit it because she herself is the cutest girl around is awesome. These are some things that we so far didn't get from Lance or Jasmine, because they were busy with all the chapter1 exposition.

The dialogue between Whitney and Lance was... hm... It was bordering on unbelievable, but only just. There were two topics to be covered: how distant Lance is from Johto and how his outfit is goofy. Since it’s established that both of them met each other at most twice before, bringing up both topics (but especially the second one) is not really realistic(?) behavior. And so I took notice and it felt like you have to check the two talking points off a list. HOWEVER. Whitney is clearly established as a hothead and a fast talker. I think if you empathized a bit more that Whitney was really nervous in Lance’s presence and was talking shit to cover it up, it would push it back into “oh, yeah, this makes sense for this character to say.” Especially since he talked back after the thing with Johto, so she might default to teasing him on a way more personal issue.

Whitney cut on a theme that I really REALLY like with Johto, which is tradition vs modernity. I wouldn’t have expected her and Bugsy to be the one to bring it up out of all people (because they are both very young and probably don’t have too much connection with the traditions of the region yet), but hey. Love seeing my thoughts from someone else’s head.

Lance playing the world’s smallest violin for himself after the confrontation with Whitney was really cute. It gave a deep glimpse into his character, and shows that he knows where his insecurities lie. (And I was a bit too mean there. At first my thoughts were 'Mimimimimimi' but then the monologue really sold me on Lance)

It was fun seeing Bugsy and Morty too. (Morty especially, but that’s because he lives rent free in my head.) I like the ending where Lance almost drives over someone and then demands an explanation xD

The mystery about the ill dragon types had me :big_eyes:. I want to know everything about it, screw the shipping, let’s go Lance investigation! (Personal note, but I had to chuckle so hard when it was revealed that the illness might be linked to poison types and the narration cuts to Morty, the only named trainer in Johto who works exclusively with a poison-type line. Like, sure, Sir. Tried to pretend like you’re not a serial killer and failed once again I see)

On the worldbuilding: The car rental thing is an interesting tidbit. Lance asking this random car dealer if he knows anything about poisonings is a bit strange (maybe have the guy ask Lance what he’s doing in the region and then Lance can explain, that would be a bit more natural). Also Lance never reacting to be called “Master Lance” was interesting. Because, yeah, he’s a bit of a celebrity, but so far his reception in Johto wasn’t that warm. Has the car-rental-guy a more personal relationship with Lance that he uses such a respectful title? Why not “Champion?” Is Lance’s position as Dragon Clan leader so much more important in Johto than his title as Champ?

I wonder about the scope of Johto though. Everything feels really close together – Janina seemed to be able to bike from Olivine to Goldenrod and Jasmine has a journey across the entire region scheduled for “tomorrow” like it’s nothing. Then at the same time, Lance takes a car to reach the southern city limits of Goldenrod. The shopping mall is the tallest building in Goldenrod. Which is canonically true, but if a b2c-commercial building is the tallest one in your city, you clearly have no office- or housing-skyscrapers around. So it can't be that big of a city. Certainly no Osaka, more like a provincial town.

Now this is a super personal nitpick/observation: I generally dislike that all the GLs of a region are one closed-off friend-group, even when they don’t have to do much with each other as part of their work. They just seem to hang out together, or know each other from school or whatnot. Like, I absolutely get it, the GLs are super interesting characters and also some of the few named ones. But it makes the world feel a bit smaller (and corrupter). One would think that, if each GL grew up in the city they’re working in, would have their primary circle of friends be the guys they went to school with, not the GLs from the town over. But that’s really just my personal gripe, I’m perfectly fine with the way you executed it here. Whitney’s and Jasmine’s friendship seems very organic, and I truly believe they knew each other for quite some time.

Oh, and another thing on reviews: Don’t take these points to heart too much. It’s stuff you can think about going further, but your writing is perfectly okay as it is. Please don’t get into an editing spiral. Rather focus on producing new chapters and try to apply some of the stuff you learned there. Editing and overthinking really takes the passion out of projects. If you decide to change something in your worldbuilding or your timeline, you don’t immediately need to go back and edit things – a simple remark in the author’s note is enough of an explanation and nobody will ever complain.

Next chapter seems to be Jasmine, looking forward to learning more about her.

Cheers, blue
 

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Oh boy, a Johto fic? Lance and dragon types may be Pen's backyard, but it just so happens to neighbor mine too.

So, Lance is our protagonist here. He's the kind of stiff I expect from Lance, but so far, he hadn't had much of a chance to show off his character. Other than respectful (towards Dahlia), kind (towards the dratini) and stern (towards Jasmine), he wasn't really forced to go out of himself a lot. But I guess that's okay. He did prove that, although he was hungry, the well-being of a dratini was more important to him than his mealtime.
He also doesn't seem like much of a people-person. His main way of handling them seems to be putting himself at a distance, and he doesn't really seek out other folks to talk to. He'd rather fly a super-short distance (market->cafe) than walk through the streets. His disconnect from Johto is very obvious (I am contractually bound to scoff at him for that), and I'm looking forward as to how that'll come along.

Jasmine is clearly in over her head with the little guy, but she's got her heart in the right place. However, I do wonder how she could have traded her steelix away. It makes me hope she's really good friends with Lyra and Rusty has the time of his life in Pokethlon right now.

Olivine sadly didn't get the spotlight I hoped it would. There's one paragraph of description for the city, and it focuses on the tiles (nothing wrong with it, focusing on such small but tangible details is v good when describing such a big place). But I didn't get a feel for how this city looked like. If it has modern buildings or old ones, if it's tightly packed or a loose accumulation of houses, such things.
I know it's hard to pack that in there too, first chapters are always a tightrope-act of cramming in exposition. But maybe don't have Lance fly to the cafe after he landed at the market but walk there.

Worldbuilding-wise, I'd have liked to see a tiiiiny bit more clarification on how dratini are legally handled in this universe. I'm spoiled by Pen's Dragon Dance, where it is a big issue and gets a lot of screentime. Here I get the impression that Blackthorn has some sort of monopoly on them, but not really, because Lance isn't terribly shocked to see a dratini in the hands of a less than qualified trainer. But if they are only found in Blackthorn, one would think that the dragon clan keeps them under strict protection. (of course, things like the casino prize still exist, but that's run by a criminal organisation).

All in all, a very fast, enjoyable read, and I'm looking forward to where that goes. Quite literally, I want to see more of Johto. But also between Lance and Jasmine.

Cheers, blue
Thank you for your review, Blue! I appreciate the feedback. I'll see if I can make any corrections, minor ones that don't drastically change the story the way I intended. I do agree with some of your points, I think I could expand further if I have to.

Uhm, excuse me Sir???? It isn't?????? Kantonian snobs...
LMAO wait until you see how the rest of Johto sees him. You probably have a good idea by now though.
A bit much flattery, isn't it? You could probably cut out two sentences there to make her come off less like a "bootlicker"
I suppose so, but given Lance's status as a Champion, I thought I would emphasize it. It does come off as asskissing perhaps.
Oh? Don't the Dragonites have nicknames? With three of them that'll get rather hard.
I haven't delved into his dragonites yet, but they will have distinct features hence he is able to tell. Maybe they should get nicknames. Hmm...
This seems a bit contrived/exposition-dumpy. Like, everything before and after that flowed so well, that this exchange here stuck out like a sore thumb. And yep, the third paragraph is the plothook.
Maybe something more like
Boy: I'm off to the lighthouse
Owner: Do you have the dragon-baby formula?
Boy: Oh, crap! *runs back and fetches it*
Lance: Dragon-baby-formula?
Owner: You see... (Insert part about Jasmine etc here)
That seems clearer, thank you. I'll look into fixing it if possible.
This is an interesting exchange. Jasmine doesn't seem to be a hands-on person, rather doing it herself, she defers this task to the groundskeeper. It makes it sound like she's been around servants her entire life and is just used to setting such tasks.
Considering that there were trainers in the lighthouse before you battle her, I'd like to think she does have people helping her out. Like most monuments, they are cared for by a group or so. Jasmine is just part of it.
"barely" and "often" don't go together well. Either or.
No, you're right. Thank you for pointing that out.
I tend to read hair-twisting as an obvious sign of flirting, but that's clearly not her intent here.
Absolutely not, yet. It's more that she is shy.
She's the first Gym Leader of Johto to specialise in the steel type, that's canon. She's the sixth (possibly fifth) GL in the johtonian Gym Circuit. It's worded a bit fuzzy here.
Very well. I can correct it.
...nor did he pay...
[/SPOILER]
If Lance had stayed the boy was going to give the meal for free, he would have explained it. Too bad he was gone by then.

Again, thank you for the review and I hope you look forward to what comes next!
 

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Okay, I've read through the second chapter on AO3 now as well. Sadly, no quotes this time.

Some thoughts:

I like Whitney a lot! She is fun and showed a great amount of personality. The sentence about how she thinks Jasmine is cute but she would never admit it because she herself is the cutest girl around is awesome. These are some things that we so far didn't get from Lance or Jasmine, because they were busy with all the chapter1 exposition.

The dialogue between Whitney and Lance was... hm... It was bordering on unbelievable, but only just. There were two topics to be covered: how distant Lance is from Johto and how his outfit is goofy. Since it’s established that both of them met each other at most twice before, bringing up both topics (but especially the second one) is not really realistic(?) behavior. And so I took notice and it felt like you have to check the two talking points off a list. HOWEVER. Whitney is clearly established as a hothead and a fast talker. I think if you empathized a bit more that Whitney was really nervous in Lance’s presence and was talking shit to cover it up, it would push it back into “oh, yeah, this makes sense for this character to say.” Especially since he talked back after the thing with Johto, so she might default to teasing him on a way more personal issue.
Whitney is going to be a major character in the story. So expect more of her in future chapters! As for her relationship with Lance - even though they have met before, that doesn't necessarily mean she knows everything about him. It was more of a cordial matter back then and for the first time, she is seeing him in public that doesn't involve League duties. That's what comes down to it. She gets out of the professional act here.
The mystery about the ill dragon types had me :big_eyes:. I want to know everything about it, screw the shipping, let’s go Lance investigation! (Personal note, but I had to chuckle so hard when it was revealed that the illness might be linked to poison types and the narration cuts to Morty, the only named trainer in Johto who works exclusively with a poison-type line. Like, sure, Sir. Tried to pretend like you’re not a serial killer and failed once again I see)
Oh, you'll see an investigation all right. The romance is just part of it, haha.
On the worldbuilding: The car rental thing is an interesting tidbit. Lance asking this random car dealer if he knows anything about poisonings is a bit strange (maybe have the guy ask Lance what he’s doing in the region and then Lance can explain, that would be a bit more natural). Also Lance never reacting to be called “Master Lance” was interesting. Because, yeah, he’s a bit of a celebrity, but so far his reception in Johto wasn’t that warm. Has the car-rental-guy a more personal relationship with Lance that he uses such a respectful title? Why not “Champion?” Is Lance’s position as Dragon Clan leader so much more important in Johto than his title as Champ?
It was more of the car dude trying to be formal but I get it. Should change it to Champion.
I wonder about the scope of Johto though. Everything feels really close together – Janina seemed to be able to bike from Olivine to Goldenrod and Jasmine has a journey across the entire region scheduled for “tomorrow” like it’s nothing. Then at the same time, Lance takes a car to reach the southern city limits of Goldenrod. The shopping mall is the tallest building in Goldenrod. Which is canonically true, but if a b2c-commercial building is the tallest one in your city, you clearly have no office- or housing-skyscrapers around. So it can't be that big of a city. Certainly no Osaka, more like a provincial town.
I suppose I could have added it took Janina all morning (she got up super early) to get from Olivine to Goldenrod, but I didn't feel like that was necessary.
As for Lance and the rental car, there's a reason behind it. It's to carry the stuff he bought. Sure Dragonite could probably carry the bags while flying, but it's a lot...
Now this is a super personal nitpick/observation: I generally dislike that all the GLs of a region are one closed-off friend-group, even when they don’t have to do much with each other as part of their work. They just seem to hang out together, or know each other from school or whatnot. Like, I absolutely get it, the GLs are super interesting characters and also some of the few named ones. But it makes the world feel a bit smaller (and corrupter). One would think that, if each GL grew up in the city they’re working in, would have their primary circle of friends be the guys they went to school with, not the GLs from the town over. But that’s really just my personal gripe, I’m perfectly fine with the way you executed it here. Whitney’s and Jasmine’s friendship seems very organic, and I truly believe they knew each other for quite some time.
Ah, I haven't covered why the GLs are close yet. That will be explained in future chapters. I do see where you are coming from though.
Oh, and another thing on reviews: Don’t take these points to heart too much. It’s stuff you can think about going further, but your writing is perfectly okay as it is. Please don’t get into an editing spiral. Rather focus on producing new chapters and try to apply some of the stuff you learned there. Editing and overthinking really takes the passion out of projects. If you decide to change something in your worldbuilding or your timeline, you don’t immediately need to go back and edit things – a simple remark in the author’s note is enough of an explanation and nobody will ever complain.
To be honest, I am glad you wrote this. I have been debating on revamping the chapters already available on FF.net and Ao3. It made me go: "Huh, that means Chapter 13 won't be coming out in a while now..."

An unfortunate weakness of mine is that I struggle with perfectionism. Yes, I know it is impossible to achieve. No one is perfect and I believe I have a long way to go with writing. Even after ten years of writing fanfiction I still feel I can do better. I am glad you told me to stick with what I have and keep writing with what I learned. That doesn't mean I won't make changes, and I'll definitely explain in Author's Notes. At best I'll mostly make grammatical and prose changes to the story.

Thank you again, Blue. I really appreciate your advice and I will get to the second chapter of your story as soon as I can. I wanted to do it today but I ended up getting busy with things. DX It'll be done before the deadline for sure!
 
Chapter 2: Muddy Impressions

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Chapter 2: Muddy Impressions

In the cool morning air, the sun shined upon Johto's metropolis. Light stretched across Goldenrod's skyscrapers under blue skies. For Whitney, it was a perfect day to run a favor. Jasmine called at such a good time, Whitney reminisced on the conversation with her earlier this morning. She listened on the phone regarding an update on the new dratini trade. The details were exciting, she primed a goofy grin. "You're kidding. You're telling me… the Champion of our league, the Champion Lance actually came to the lighthouse?!"

"Yes, he assisted me with Dratini. He's doing much better now thanks to his help," said Jasmine. "I did not expect him to show up at all. It... was quite a surprise."

"Wow, that's amazing! Think he'll be coming over often to help you raise him?"

Jasmine wasn't sure whether to tell Whitney of the more disenchanting details. Noticeably, Lance's stance on her keeping Dratini. There was a pregnant pause before refuting through the speakers, "No, this was probably a one-time thing."

"Geez, have more confidence in yourself! Maybe he'll come around again. Although, Bruno is way cooler if you ask me."

"I – I see..."

"Really Jazzy? You don't find anyone in the Elite Four and our Champion cool or cute?"

"Well..." Jasmine twisted her finger around the base of her Pokégear. Generally, she didn't pay attention to such for such trivial matters. Until now. "I never really thought much about them other than being strong and upstanding trainers."

"I see. None of them meet your interests? Understandable. You're too good for them anyway."

Whitney snickered. Jasmine's face blushed a bright red. "That's not what I meant! I do respect them! Why are you twisting my words?!"

"Can't help it." For all of her years knowing Jasmine, Whitney enjoyed the light teasing with her. Quite obvious since they had been friends since childhood. Maybe getting a kick out of her reactions. At the same time… Goldenrod's Gym Leader did find Jasmine beautiful. To confess that was nearly impossible from Whitney's own hubris of finding herself the cutest girl in all of Johto. Or so, that was her excuse.

Whitney heard a quick sigh from her Pokégear, Jasmine changed the subject. "Um, if you don't mind... could you make a trip to the department store? I would love it if you could buy these two items for Dratini. I would go to Goldenrod myself but I have some gym battles to attend. I even decided to postpone visiting Blackthorn until tomorrow. I'll have someone come to pick it up later today."

"Sure, what are the names?"

"All right, it's – "

"Fresh algae and Blackthorn Mineral Water." Whitney had repeated to herself in the present. "That shouldn't be a problem! Watch over the gym for me, girls! I'll be right back!"

The trainers in the gym marked their goodbyes as she stepped outside, breathing in the fresh air. She beamed a bright smile and stretched out. "If I have time, maybe some softball practice later. First, to the department store."


It would only be a ten-minute walk. Whitney was thankful the store was close to the gym - save passing by crowded streets with people greeting at every corner. Many businesses lined up around, with Whitney being Goldenrod's Gym Leader - she was easily recognizable to the public. First, she passed by a market where an old couple offered her fresh orange juice to start the day. Next, she met up with a young man who advertised the opening of his convenience store. He boasted about its prices being an excellent saver for quality goods. Of course, Whitney would nod the chatter continued. Why not lift the man's spirits by appearing interested? Shortly after, she had to cut off the conversation. Even if he insisted on continuing with his speech, it would only drag on.

The nearby bookstore displayed books regarding training baby pokémon at the window. Ah, of course! How could she forget where she needed to go? It seemed entertaining with the crowds of her hometown only distracted her from the main goal.

Upon arriving at her destination, was a giant building that was six floors high. It was the biggest shopping mall in Johto, matching the store in Celadon City of Kanto. Crowds walked in and out of the sliding doors, busy as usual. Entering, Whitney greeted the front desk.

"Welcome to Goldenrod Department Store, Leader Whitney!" The attendant said cheerfully. "Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"Hey, what's up? Got these items?" Whitney showed off images of the two products in her Pokégear.

"Certainly! They're on the second floor where the Trainer's Market is. The counter people on the second floor should tell you of their specific locations."

"Thanks!" Whitney bid her farewell to the reception desk before heading up the escalator. Ignoring her view, she crashed into a familiar friend with short purple hair and dressed in a green uniform. "Oof!"

"Yikes! Whitney, watch where you're going!" Bugsy yelled, whipping toward her with a huff.

"Bugsy?! What brings you here?!" Whitney mused on the appearance of Azalea Town's Gym Leader and youngest of the league. Their last encounter was near Ilex Forest. Bugsy had been training Whitney on bug-catching. At the time, she was intrigued to participate in the Bug Catching Contest at National Park.

"Looking for a new net." Bugsy sighed, showing giant torn holes upon his current one. "Beedrill accidentally wrecked this one apart and there is a Bug Catching Contest today. This place has better bug nets than the Poké Mart in Azalea."

"That sucks. Sorry to hear that."

"It's fine, this one was getting old anyway. Last I remembered, the nets should be on the second floor."

"Make that two of us then."

"Really?" Bugsy went up the escalator with Whitney not far behind. "Coming for a net too?"

"Nah, I'm going to the second floor for something else. Doing a small favor for Jasmine."

"What kind of favor? Is it regarding the dratini she acquired from Lyra? Heard about that."

"Yep, someone from her gym is coming to pick up the purchase. Jasmine can't come here today due to some gym battles, so I am doing the shopping!"

"That's nice of you. I'm sure Jasmine will appreciate it."

The two Gym Leaders had arrived at The Trainer's Market. Many aisles lined the floor. Medicines, herbs, potions, ball capsules, repels, and other items were spread throughout the store. The two received greetings from the cashiers at the counter.

"Guess we'll split up for now," Whitney said. "I do need to talk to you about setting me up for the bug contest later."

"Cool, see you in a bit." Bugsy turned left. Whitney cut right off the floor, where the pokémon food was. She faced the canned goods in one aisle. "Nope, not here."

Whitney went to the next aisle, displaying mostly dry pokémon goods. "Definitely not here. Maybe it's where the refrigerated stuff is? Jasmine did say they were cold bags. Hm, this calls for…"

Pulling out a Poké ball, she pressed the button to enhance its size before throwing it. "Miltank, come on out!" Her iconic and tough pink cow pokémon emerged from the light of the capsule, making a quick moo to her trainer. Miltank was her most fierce pokémon, bringing many trainers to their knees in a challenge. But beneath her tough exterior, held a very loyal and kind spirit.

"Hey Milky, mind helping me find these products? They're for Jasmine." Miltank absorbed the images from Whitney's Pokégear, before responding with a happy moo.

"Awesome, let's get to it!" The duo searched around the aisle. Miltank made its way into the next one. She called out for Whitney to trail forth. "Find it?"

Seeing the refrigerated items on the corner, Whitney clasped her hands. "All right! Great job, Miltank – "

"What do you think, Dragonite? Do they look fresh?"

The Gym Leader fell silent. Her eyes widened in disbelief. Lance inspected the food she had been looking for. Dragonite shook his head in reply and his trainer placed it back. "You're right, looks a bit dry…"

"W – what…" Whitney mumbled. She thought she was going mad by this random encounter with Lance in Goldenrod's department store. She heard no news of the Indigo League Champion's arrival, bringing her off the rails. A strange surprise. What is he doing here? She thought. She couldn't think of any reason for Lance's existence. Goldenrod did not sell the capes he loved to purchase like in Celadon. And he was near the exact place she would be in.

"Whit, there you are! Turns out I found my new net faster than I thought," Bugsy shouted, scurrying to her. "I brought another net that I think might fit you too! It's beginner-friendly - !"

Whitney pulled Miltank and Bugsy to hide behind the aisle. Lance swiveled swiftly in suspicion.

"Huh?! Whit - !"

"Shhh!" Whitney hushed the bug-type Gym Leader, hiding behind some boxes of pokémon goods. The two were unaware that a shadow was nearing them. "He's… here! He's here in Goldenrod, I can't believe it!"

There was exasperation in her voice, along with shaking hands around Bugsy's shoulders. He was dumbfounded. "Who?"

"May I help you?" Lance asked, startling the two and Miltank. He folded his arms with a small glare, Dragonite doing the same pose. He suspected being watched, and he was seeing how disheveled the two were in front of him.

"Crap, busted…" Whitney whispered. "Remain cool, got it?"

"Uh, okay…" Bugsy murmured. Whitney released him, facing Lance with a nervous laugh. "Oh no, nothing at all! What brings you to Goldenrod, Champ?"

"Oh! You're Whitney… leader of the Goldenrod Gym." Lance's expression softened. He smiled warmly discovering that the two were not dubious people. "Pleasure to see you."

"Yup! Nice to see you too!"

"And Bugsy." Lance shook his hand. "Gym Leader of Azalea Town, it's been a while."

"Hello, Champion Lance. What are you up to?"

"Just shopping. Do you need anything? It seemed like you two wanted to talk to me."

"Nope!" Whitney cried. "It's rare to see you in Goldenrod!"

Lance laughed softly. "You have a point, I mostly shop at Celadon's department store. Their capes are top-notch, perfect for my wardrobe."

"You're more seen in Kanto, right?" asked Bugsy.

"Yes... I spend more time there than in Johto, but that doesn't mean I forgot about our home region. I'm the champion here too."

"As long as you don't forget the little people…"

Lance formed a frown. "Of course not, I care for the Johto region just as much."

"Then why spend more time there?" Whitney placed her hands on her hips. "Like Kanto better?"

"It's not that I prefer Kanto. It's more that I've associated myself there a lot it's hard for me to let go."

Whitney snorted. "Oh just admit it. You like Kanto better. Guess I don't blame you with the rest of Johto still stuck on old beliefs and traditions. Plus, Goldenrod doesn't have the accessory you shop for the most."

"Whit, we're more rural but there's nothing wrong with that," Bugsy argued. "We don't need to be like Kanto, we have a long history too. They don't even have a bug-type gym."

Whitney shrugged. "I'm just saying. It wouldn't hurt for Johto to modernize a bit more, you know?"

"Aren't you supposed to shop for pokémon food?" Bugsy was unamused when he switched the subject, Whitney remembered. "Oh crap! I better get that. Unless…"

She pointed at the bags of cold seaweed Lance held. "Why do you have those?"

"This? Well, I was buying some for myself." Dragonite behind him drew out a different look, snorting. "What?"

"Looks like Dragonite doesn't agree." A sly smirk peered from Whitney's lips. "Heard you went to visit the Glitter Lighthouse last night. You're a real shining knight, you know?"

"Excuse me?"

"You helped out Jasmine with her dratini! Now I see why you wear the cape! You're like a superhero!"

Lance drew out a long look. Whitney discovered his visit to Olivine and the lighthouse last night. Had news spread so quickly over his encounter with Jasmine? Knowing Whitney's behavior from word of mouth, he grew concerned over the gossip she could cook up. "Oh, she needed assistance. I just like to help others in need, that's all. The cape is part of my uniform as a Dragon Master."

"You're sure you're not cosplaying? It makes you look like a superhero instead! Got inspired by comics from Unova or something? You even got the same angry expression most heroes have with those thick eyebrows!"

Lance scowled, sensing his profile being mocked. "I think it's time we end this discussion."

"Huh, why's that?"

"Whitney, I think you should know better than to harp on childish drivel. It's foolish and certainly doesn't leave a good impression for a Gym Leader of the Johto League."

"Oh lighten up, Champ! I'm just kidding around!"

"Uncalled for. I understand you're one for fun and games, but I would prefer respect next time."

He glanced at his Pokégear for the time. "I have to go, I have some business to attend to. I hope you take some of my advice into consideration. Nice seeing you, let's go Dragonite."

The dragon followed his trainer, departing from the aisle. Whitney clenched her fists and huffed. Lance's judgment left her feeling crushed, almost on the verge of crying. "Ugh, jerk! I thought Lance was friendlier! Everyone says he's so nice, but I see he's a big meanie! You know what they say about the elite, corrupt and full of baloney!"

"Maybe his appearance is a sensitive topic," Bugsy said.

"He could have laughed it off! It's not like I insulted Clair or anything. What a total bore."

"Or maybe he was in a bad mood, who knows? You should finish up the shopping."

Whitney waved her hand, walking away. "Oh, whatever. Let's go Miltank… finish up what we came for."


An hour and a half later, Lance was focused on his next duty. It was a good enough distraction after the minor strife with Whitney, to which he wasn't pleased with her banter. Despite his kind demeanor, Lance wasn't for such a trivial discussion. Whitney meant no harm, but for him - he deemed it inappropriate. He dealt with enough scrutiny and maintained a good image as is. His cape did have some see him as a joke, and his eyebrows had him in a constant state of seriousness that many thought he was always angry. The latter not being the case, it wasn't even something he could change. Then, there were trainers from past battles who laughed and mocked his attire but were proven wrong once he was in battle. That he was a force to be reckoned with. It earned him a reputation for being the fierce Dragon Master.

And while he wouldn't admit it, he did care about his image. His reputation of being an excellent role model for future Dragon Tamers and the Blackthorn clan depended on it.

The shopping went by faster than he anticipated. He was outside Goldenrod's bicycle shop – except it expanded into something further in terms of transportation.

"Here is the last Master Lance," said an elderly man. He set the bag in the trunk of the rental car, locking it in place with the other groceries the Dragon Master bought.

"Thank you," Lance said kindly.

"It's no trouble. I'm happy the shopkeeper of the bicycle shop in Cerulean City managed to find new business with rental cars. They have become quite popular in Kanto, and now in Johto! Just take this, it's the gas card for the car."

"Of course." Lance placed it in his pocket. "Now before I leave, there is something I need to ask."

"Certainly. What is it?"

"I've been hearing about some cases of dragon pokémon getting sick across the region. There's a Pokémon Daycare south of here on Route 34. Recently, I hear there may be a case there. Know anything about this strange illness?"

"Hmm." The old man toyed with his beard. "I did hear it may have something to do with poison pokémon."

"Anything else?"

"No, I'm afraid that is all I heard. The daycare owners should be able to give you more information."

"Thank you, I appreciate your help." Lance opened the car's front door and sat in the driver's seat. He checked the mirrors and set his seating to a comfortable position.

"Is there anything else you need from me, Champion Lance?" The old man inquired.

"No, that will be all. I'll be sure to return this car later tonight." Lance turned on the engine. "Thank you again."

"Of course, Champion Lance."

He watched the young man pull out the car from the parking lot before turning left. It was clear Lance was heading south to the daycare but mentioned earlier about heading toward Olivine City. He chuckled, no need to wander into someone else's business.

"Excuse me."

The old man turned to face a preteen on a bike. She wore a yellow tank top, and jean shorts, and had dark green hair. Two pink hair clips kept her bangs neatly swept on the side of her forehead, with brown eyes staring at the man.

"My name is Janina. I am the apprentice of Leader Jasmine of the Olivine Gym. Where can I find Leader Whitney of the Goldenrod Gym?"


In the Pokémon Daycare, the Gym Leader of Ecruteak City straightened his scarf, waiting patiently for the elderly Daycare lady. She was attending to another client prior to his arrival. Morty had plenty of time to return back to the Ecruteak Theater with Umbreon, the egg, and the ditto to Lady Zuki, who had requested a favor of him. Her own reasons involved that the egg would be given away as a gift for an upcoming performance at the theater with her sisters. Morty was eager to attend the upcoming event and vowed to honor her request.

He overheard voices from the entrance of the daycare, which gradually increased to screaming and crying.

"How could you let this happen?! So irresponsible!" A young woman stormed out of the room with a pokémon, a dragonair who fell ill. Morty observed the horrid state of the dragon pokémon… dry lips with eyes brimmed with fatigue, quivering her scales as a fever plagued her.

"Wait Miss!" The Daycare lady called out. "Allow me to finish treating your dragonair!"

The girl who appeared to be of the lass class sobbed. "I'm never coming here again! I'm heading to a Pokémon Center!" She frantically ran out of the Daycare, not caring about the upcoming car nearing the driveway.

"Miss!" Morty called out, running after her. He managed to grab her before she made a step into the driveway's pavement. The girl's sobs increased, falling to her knees while gripping her whimpering pokémon.

Morty held her tight, grateful nothing escalated to injury. He looked up at the car that stopped in front of them. Lance stepped out of the vehicle, standing tall and authoritative over them. He observed them intently before his somber eyes moved to the dragonair. Its weakened state lead him to speak in a ferment manner, tone dangerously low.

"Explain."
 
Last edited:

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. chikorita-saltriv
  2. bench-gen
  3. charmander
  4. snivy
  5. treecko
  6. tropius
  7. arctozolt
  8. wartortle
  9. zorua
Here to review chapter 1 of this for our review exchange!

Huh, I didn't know Kanto or Johto had a battle frontier!

The Battle Arcade, huh...wonder if it's connected to the game corners at all.

All I know about Olivine is that it has a lighthouse with neat music run by a sick Ampharos named Amphy, so it'll be interesting to learn more about Olivine!

Huh, so this is three years after the events of Pokemon RBY! Interesting! Love seeing events from the games be referenced!

There's the lighthouse!

Oh boy, gossip. Seems like not everyone in Johto is happy with Lance.

The shop owner seems...harsh.

A Dratini at the lighthouse, huh...interesting.

So Jasmine traded her Steelix for the Dratini...I wonder why?

Amphy!

This trade is starting to seem a bit shady...

Lyra? I wonder who that is...

I'm very intrigued by this so far! There seems to be something going on with this trade, and I'm curious to see what that is!

Thank you for writing this!
 

Pen

the cat is mightier than the pen
Staff
Partners
  1. dratini
  2. dratini-pen
  3. dratini-pen2
Chapter two!

It was interesting to see that Whitney and Jasmine are friends. They have pretty different personalities on the surface, so I'm curious how that friendship developed. Whitney comes off as brash and childish, in a way that does seem true to her game characterization. She also seems pretty extroverted and her criticism of Lance for not spending much time in Johto had some weight after we saw her taking time to chat with her fans on the way to the department store.

I found Lance's internal lament about people not respecting capes and being intimidated by his eyebrows hilarious. Yes, Lance, it is definitely your attack eyebrows and not the fact that you loom over people intimidatingly and demand respect that scares people.

"Whit, we're more rural but there's nothing wrong with that," Bugsy argued. "We don't need to be like Kanto, we have a long history too. They don't even have a bug-type gym."

Whitney shrugged. "I'm just saying. It wouldn't hurt for Johto to modernize a bit more, you know?"
I enjoyed Whitney and Bugsy's back and forth about modernity. Their different stances make a lot of sense, considering where they come from--Whitney from Johto's most industrialized city and Bugsy from a very small town on the edge of a forest. I found his observation about bug type gyms interesting. I wonder if rural cultures in the pokeworld respect bug-type trainers more--something I hadn't thought about before!

Looks like a mystery is brewing with dragon-type pokemon falling ill, but Lance seems to already be on the case. I was a little confused by how casually Lance brought up hearing about cases of dragon sickness. Based on how he dropped everything last chapter at the hint of a sick dratini, it surprises me that he would casually go about his shopping if he'd already heard this rumor. It's interesting that Morty is on the scene. I feel like he'll mesh better with Lance than Whitney did, but I guess I'll see!


In the cool morning air, the sun shined upon Johto's metropolis.
* shone

For Whitney, it was a perfect day to run a favor.
Think you're looking for "run an errand." Or you can do someone a favor.

Jasmine called at such a good time, Whitney reminisced on the conversation with her earlier this morning.
Comma splice. This might be helpful: https://www.uc.utoronto.ca/comma-splices

The details were exciting, she primed a goofy grin.
Comma splice.

To confess that was nearly impossible from Whitney's own hubris of finding herself the cutest girl in all of Johto.
I stumbled over this sentence a bit. Perhaps rewording to something like, "Whitney's self-image as the cutest girl in Johto made that nearly impossible for her to admit."

Whitney heard a quick sigh from her Pokégear, Jasmine changed the subject.
Comma splice.

Whitney was thankful the store was close to the gym - save passing by crowded streets with people greeting at every corner.
"Greeting" is a verb that has to take an object. You can't just greet, you have to greet someone. Here you'd say "people greeting her . . . "

Of course, Whitney would nod the chatter continued.
I think there's missing words or punctuation here?

Upon arriving at her destination, was a giant building that was six floors high.
Think something got a bit jumbled here. If you begin with a clause like "Upon arriving at her destination," the next clause would be expected to start "Whitney [did some action]" because Whitney is the subject of that initial dependent clause. You could also say, "Whitney arrived at her destination, a giant, six story building.

Entering, Whitney greeted the front desk.
This makes it sound like Whitney is literally saying hi to the desk, not the person behind it. You want, "Whitney greeted the receptionist at the front desk" or "Whitney greeted the front desk receptionist."

The counter people on the second floor should tell you of their specific locations."
The verb "tell" does not take the preposition "of." You want, "
The counter people on the second floor should tell you their specific locations."

She heard no news of the Indigo League Champion's arrival, bringing her off the rails.
I found the last phrase jarring. "Going off the rails" is an idiom for things getting out of control, but you wouldn't usually describe a person with it. You might say, "She heard no news of the Indigo League Champion's arrival, so his sudden appearance threw her."

She couldn't think of any reason for Lance's existence.
I think you're looking for "presence." What you have now means that Whitney can't find any reason for Lance to exist at all, which would be pretty cold!

Lance swiveled swiftly in suspicion.
I wasn't sure why he paid attention here. We saw last chapter that it's very common for people to whisper and point when he shows up places and he seemed to take it in stride there, so I'm not sure why this particular instance would grab his attention.

He smiled warmly discovering that the two were not dubious people.
I'm curious who he was expecting to be whispering about him in a crowded mall, if not fairly respectable consumers?

Bugsy was unamused when he switched the subject, Whitney remembered.
This is a comma splice, and I'm also not sure what the connection between these two clauses is.

Lance drew out a long look.
This reads a bit unidiomatic. Maybe, "Lance gave them a long look."

It was a good enough distraction after the minor strife with Whitney, to which he wasn't pleased with her banter.
"to which" doesn't work grammatically as a way to tie these clauses together. You could say, "It was a good enough distraction after the minor strife with Whitney. He had not been at all pleased with her banter."
 

Railgun

Johto trash.
Location
Johto Region
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. raichu
Chapter two!

It was interesting to see that Whitney and Jasmine are friends. They have pretty different personalities on the surface, so I'm curious how that friendship developed. Whitney comes off as brash and childish, in a way that does seem true to her game characterization. She also seems pretty extroverted and her criticism of Lance for not spending much time in Johto had some weight after we saw her taking time to chat with her fans on the way to the department store.

I found Lance's internal lament about people not respecting capes and being intimidated by his eyebrows hilarious. Yes, Lance, it is definitely your attack eyebrows and not the fact that you loom over people intimidatingly and demand respect that scares people.


I enjoyed Whitney and Bugsy's back and forth about modernity. Their different stances make a lot of sense, considering where they come from--Whitney from Johto's most industrialized city and Bugsy from a very small town on the edge of a forest. I found his observation about bug type gyms interesting. I wonder if rural cultures in the pokeworld respect bug-type trainers more--something I hadn't thought about before!

Looks like a mystery is brewing with dragon-type pokemon falling ill, but Lance seems to already be on the case. I was a little confused by how casually Lance brought up hearing about cases of dragon sickness. Based on how he dropped everything last chapter at the hint of a sick dratini, it surprises me that he would casually go about his shopping if he'd already heard this rumor. It's interesting that Morty is on the scene. I feel like he'll mesh better with Lance than Whitney did, but I guess I'll see!
Been meaning to reply to this. First off, I appreciate the feedback on the lines. I've noticed comma splices are something I need to work on heavily! They are all over my fic now reading back. >_<

LOL YES. Lance and his eyebrows! He always looks so serious and he intimidates people so easily. If people can get past that, he has a heart of gold.

I am pleased you enjoyed Whitney and Bugsy's comments on modernity. It was something I felt would work given their backgrounds. The contrast between the two is something, hehe.

Oh, there is a reason he went shopping. It'll make sense in later chapters, but true. He is on the case now at least! Yeah, Morty will probably get along better with Lance than Whitney.

Once again, thank you for your insight, Pen. I hope to see you again in the next chapter! :D
 
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