Pokémon TCG2: Doduo Adventures - Book One: TCG Island

[Tango]

Hi Tango! Here for our long-overdue review!

Yes!! I've been looking forward to a review from you!!

In conjunction with our trade, I this will cover the prologue to chapter 4--I will do my best to come back before blitz end, but worst case, we can do more reviews in the future now that my time has freed up!

That sounds great to me!

I'll begin by saying that I've never heard of this game--not even in a PMD sort of way, where I've played bits and pieces but don't know much about it--just straight up never heard of it!

That doesn't scare me. I've gone to great lengths to make my fic approachable to those with no TCG experience!

But I do know a bit about TCG from playing Pocket TCG...however, my apprehension was all for naught because you provide so much background information, I'm actually thoroughly impressed. So, thank you for that.

Thanks so much!

That leads me to my first point--I found this fic, so far, to be an excellent example of "write what you know."

Oh?

It's very clear to me, from the way you've formatted this, and the art you've had made for this, and the detail you go into to make sure your readers have all the background information that you care very deeply about this game and building out the world around it.

It's true! I do everything I can to improve my fic and give it every edge I can!

As an all around newbie to Pokemon TCG, I actually learned a bit while reading! (Especially in regard to deck building, that skillset still largely evades me)

That's so cool that my fic handles duels well enough to help a new player not just follow along but understand how to play!

I'm no good with modern Pokemon TCG but in this old retro format, I'm awesome! 😎

I am also fascinated by this world you've started to build; I know you have a foundation, and because I am unfamiliar with the game, I don't have much to go off, but just from what I've read, it's quite interesting.

Much of the creative aspects of the world of the fic were things I expanded on or straight up added. The locations, characters, titles, cards, and islands were from from the game.

I'm glad it has your attention! If you like secrets, mysteries, surprises, drama, and twists, my fic has these things! It takes time to set up and build things up, but those who read it seem to think it's worth the wait.

TCG being the main sport "staple" instead of actual Pokemon? Doduo being the lone Pokemon that seems to exist in the world? The world presumably only being made up of 3 islands, one of which apparently has a harsh travel restriction? I have to say, that last point feels extremely bleak...but in a sort of Attack on Titan way, where the people on these islands believe their islands are the only ones who exist and will eventually find out there is a WHOOOOOLE world out there full of the "continents" that the little boy gushed on and on about (it seemed like some prettyyyyyy cool foreshadowing to me...), and it's just a fascinating concept, if I happen to be right. I have Mystery Writer™️ brain, so please pardon me if I'm off base LOL

I think you will be pretty interested in how things develop!

I LOVE that you seem to enjoy theorizing! Its one of the funnest things to do with my fic with how crazy it is!

Also enjoyed the (not so) subtle YuGiOh drop LOL.

I had to. The audience demanded it!

(Plus I thought it was funny )

Is this just a world of card games running the show? That would actually be so neat if that's where you're going...

That is exactly what it is!

I like the Gentleman as a character. He definitely is just that--a gentleman. You do a good job of capturing that in the way he refers to himself with kind of an arrogant air while also being kind and cordial with everyone he meets. You've nailed down that characterization very well, and I THOROUGHLY enjoy the sprites of him!

I think you might be his biggest fan! Wow it's so great to hear so much positivity for my main character!

It adds so much character to the story; like I'm playing a game (which I'm sure was your intention). I do hope that bro finds a girlfriend, though. I was cringing (in an "oh no poor dude") way in chapter 4 when Rick was detailing how Nikki also had feelings for him, but neither of them acted on it, and she settled.........like, woof bro. That is "the one who got away" in the worst possible way.

Yeah, it wrecked him for sure.

I don't WANT Mister Gentleman to be a homewrecker, especially because it seems like Nikki has made a decent life with Isaac (kids n' shit, they probably have assets that would be meeeeeessssyyyyy to split in a divorce) but..........I can root for them a little if there's a particular reason Nikki isn't happy in the marriage. Just a little bit.

I think on this point I will keep it simple and refer back to my previous comment on drama being a thing in this fic.

Also, I've never looked twice at doduo as a Pokemon,

Well, yeah! Who honestly DOES?

Certainly wasn't MY pick for the fic! He just butted his way in to both my deck AND story!

but this fic might change that--the sprites of Gotan are SO DAMN CUTE.

Yeah... I'm with you there. The bird grew on me.

I love his stupid little dumb stare, it's soooooo adorable--

I know right?

not a thought behind those eyes...or is there????

Or is there, indeed.

I hope we get more insight on this silly little dude (and maybe more Pokemon in the future, mayhaps???

At least one of those questions has 'yes' as an answer.

I feel like I'm seeing a lot of setup for a BIIIIIG revelation that other Pokemon exist, especially as of Chapter 4...but again, Mystery Writer™️ brain at work!)

Keep that brain working! (It's coming up with some great material!)

I definitely enjoy how you write out the battles. It's very easy for me to follow and keep up with the play-by-plays and what the Gentleman is thinking of as he's going through the motions.

In that case, I think you will enjoy the battles of the fic since I tend to keep them consistently good with some being even better than average!

I also really REALLY like that you haven't written out every single battle. You do a great job of deciding when it's absolutely necessary to play out a battle and when it's okay to just summarize it, and as somebody who can easily get lost in the sauce of too many back to back battles, even in fics with actual Pokemon doing the battling, I really appreciate that. It's important to know when to keep things concise, and you one hundo percento have that down pat!

Yeah, I really didn't want to bog people down in too much battle. I'm glad my decisions on it are well received by you!

I know you said you'd prefer that reviewers keep concrit to a minimal,

Well, I just mean I don't want more than 80% of a review being concrit is all. But having read the concrit and came back up here to comment, you've done great on balancing it!

so I'll try to keep this section short--and please let me make it clear that if I say anything that makes you feel some type of way, or if you need clarification on anything, do not hesitate to reach out!

You've always struck me as respectful and positive. I've also seen a bit of a wilder side side your self-promo post from last year I think!

I am happy to talk things through with you if anything I say came off wrong or rubbed you in a negative way.

Aww thanks!

Spoiler: ConCrit Section

So the first thing I noticed, majorly, is the way you structure your dialogue. I was an aspiring playwright before I pivoted into novel writing, so dialogue is my BIG thing. Every line of dialogue you have follows the same format where it's Action. "Dialogue." This is not me saying that this is the wrong way to structure dialogue, but rather, it would serve your story very well to vary it. When you have a repetition of the same dialogue structure, the prose can start to feel exactly that--repetitive.

Like for example, I noticed it the most in the prologue:

In this example, you could maybe do something like:



Just to give you an idea about how you can go about changing things up.

Very valid!! And thank you so much for the great examples!

I've been meaning to learn to improve how I handle dialogue and I'm planning to get some coaching/tutoring for it. I'd like to do better with it, but I need guidance and practice. Until I can develop that skill and apply it, please excuse my lackluster dialogue! 😅

For now, it's written as best as I know how! But once I'm caught up on my exchanges I plan to take a close look at improving this aspect of my fic before I move on to rewrite my original fic into Book Two.

Additionally, regarding the Gentleman's history with Nikki, I think that needs to come up a lot sooner.

Oh? You aren't afraid to offer plot suggestions?

Neat! Most people don't seem to try that.

Like, while he's in his big house, all by his lonesome, have him dream of the life he could have had with her.

Well, I liked your idea so much that I went ahead and used it! New scene has been added at the start of Chapter one for it. I even switched the music around to accomodate it!

If you go back to check it out, let me know what you think!

As he's gearing up to head to the Grass Club, I do think he should be nervous about getting there--he hasn't seen her in years, I presume based on what was written?

So, he became Champion recently and had seen her recently but I switched things around a little to try to make that more clear as many of my readers seem confused on that point.

To me, he should be sweating buckets. Maybe he doesn't want to go to the Grass Club first, but decides he needs to get it out of the way so he isn't anxious about it the entire time he's battling. Maybe he fumbles during his battle with the members because he feels Nikki watching him. There's a lot you can do to raise those uncomfy stakes there that can make his grief feel more visceral.

I think the edits I made help with this some, but it's less of a build up than you are thinking since he would have been in there less than a year prior to the chapter.

Same with when he goes to the Science Club to see Rick; I think he should be on edge about it. Like, what does he think Rick thinks about him? Is he worried about that? What else can be going through his head as they're talking?

Nah, he was never really worried about what Rick thought of him. Rick and him hardly had any interaction when they were younger and he would have seen Rick relatively recently too anyway.

The last thing I'll get at is much smaller, and happened mostly in the Grass Club duels--I noticed you used a lot of the dialogue to kind of info dump what was happening, and while that can happen in moderation, that can sometimes cause dialogue to feel forced and almost robotic. Like the characters are programmed to explain to a reader what is going on, when all you really need to do is write that exposition in maybe a thought process, or in an action a character does. It's important to trust that your reader can figure it out without you needing to spell it out for them.

This is much less intense concrit and more just small line edits I noticed:


This is what I mean by info dumping in dialogue--trust that your reader can figure it out through just you writing out what they're doing in standard prose!

Hmmm... I'm not sure if I want to trust the reader on this. YOU might be observant enough not to need it, but I'd rather err on the side of caution for others especially when taking into account non-author lurkers. Granted, these were relatively new additions and if I see other people chime in with similar thoughts on it, I may revisit this. Regardless, I appreciate you pointing it out.

I also want to add that future chapters don't have them speak quite like that. This duel was meant to serve as a tutorial for readers since it was the first.

Did you mean "the"?


Some prose repetition here that can be simplified


I see it written as Mr. Gentleman in one place (with a dropped capital G) and Mister Gentleman in another. Just make sure it's consistent across the board.


giveaway is one word


Comma between "there" and "better"


Water Clubcapitalization?


The rest of the club names were capitalized, so this one should be too, I think?


you're


Question mark here


n' crap


I'ma

All of these were valid except the one about the question mark I wanted to convey he said it more like a statement but I threw in the towel and changed it anyway because I don't want to see more people pointing it out lol... 😅

All in all, I had fun with this!

Well, I had a lot of fun reading your review. It felt great AND it was very helpful at the same time! It's pretty rare to run into ones quite like that. You seem to have a real knack for writing reviews. It was an absolute pleasure reading! 🥰

Thanks for sharing this (finished!!!!!!!!) fic, and I look forward to more trades with you in the future <3 Happy Blitz!

After a review like this, I'll definitely be wanting more!

 

[Tango]

Hello! I'm here for Chapters 19 and 20! :D

I am so psyched to see you back!

This is where things in the fic really start to come together according to Flyg0n and Nekodatta. I think you will find the remainder of the fic through chapter 33 quite enticing from here! Chapters 34 and above I was convinced by Flyg0n should be the start of Book Two, so that is what I will use those chapters for.

sus. Very sus.

I think I'll start calling her sus fuss in my mind from now on lol

You can't just drop that on someone's head without even thinking about the consequences, Stephanie!! Sloppy work!

Ah, but was it sloppy or planned? (It was sloppy)

Just "figure" is fine. Figure by itself implies a humanoid person. If the figure was of something else, like a Pokemon or an animal, then it would make more sense.

Creative use of font to show the voice modification software!

Trying to remember to use it is a pain, but yeah I do like the effect!

Noooo Tango recognizes this type of person for sure. Too bad our protagonist is too disconnected from him to read the signs 😩

Nah he just wants some yummy garbage!

When listing nouns like this, separate them with a comma - it makes it easier to read.

This reminds me of the scams where they try to get you to be into something by flattering you and saying "you're just soooo talented, I'm here looking for talent, and I think you're definitely one of them." And of course, even though he is the champion, Mister Gentleman craves recognition...

Yeah that's pretty much it!

A true appreciator of the art of theatre! Well, he cares about aesthetics, and we know game recognizes game.

Isaac!! This is deranged behavior!
How did he get them to agree? I'm guessing he put on an act like "well, none of us stand a chance since he's so strong!" since that's what the protagonist says in the early chapters. But yeesh!

Yep. He certainly has more than a few screws loose!

The way he's calling his daughter pathetic... :(
And then he quickly corrects himself and says that it wasn't his daughter, but Mister Gentleman's fault for "dragging her through the mud." But you can see that he's upset that she didn't win. Even though she's, you know, eight.

Probably because he was more skilled at duels than she was when he was her age.

Respect the commitment to anatomically accurate Doduo 🫡

The tabloid was Stephanie's doing?? Got to say, she's very entertaining. She could really make a living writing gossip columns if she wasn't getting a cut from everyone's winnings.

Stephanie is such a fun character to write. I love how she double crosses everyone, gets away with it, and makes a killing! All at age 11!

It's interesting how important money is in this fic - Mister Gentleman is on the brink of losing his fancy lifestyle and now Isaac is pushing himself to the edge of bankruptcy... but Isaac is acting out of pride and resentment.

Huh. You're right!

Mister Gentleman isn't actually trying to steal Nikki. But whatever Nikki felt for Mister Gentleman clearly hasn't gone away, and obviously he's really upset about it. On some level, Isaac feels like he's second-best even though he got to marry the woman of his dreams. And it's sad, because although we're obviously seeing Mister Gentleman's point of view, Isaac is also clearly suffering. Nikki is caught up in all this as well. One wonders if Isaac could have moved on from Nikki if Mister Gentleman had gotten together with her; that way he would not feel that he was just the backup for her.

Spot on character analysis! Most people have a hard time empathizing with Isaac but you are correct!

Chapter 20 was a real bombshell! Seeing things from Isaac's perspective really shows how far gone he is in his jealousy.

Yep. He may be suffering, but that doesn't mean he isn't missing some screws! (Actually, that probably applies in more ways than one! )

And of course, we are interested in knowing what's the deal with the GR2 fellas. The plot thickens...

Indeed!