Pokémon Soothing Obsession

[Neon]

The first time Chimchar met Turtwig, it was during battle. An interrupted battle sure, but still a battle, which was one of the best introductions one can ever have. Paul always says you can learn a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer during battles; it was how you learned the other trainer’s style. That to battle was to understand everything that a Pokemon and their trainer were capable of.

(“What does he think a bleeding heart is going to help with? If a Pokemon doesn’t want to listen, then it’s as worthless as a Pokemon who can’t battle. And did you see how weak that Turtwig was? A pathetic Pokemon with it’s equally pathetic trainer.”)

Paul always reflects over battles, long after it was over, long after it mattered. He analyzes the strategies of his opponents and the Pokemon they used, and how they exploited the weaknesses in his own. A battle was a lesson, a learning opportunity. Paul hated losing- hated it so so much- but he knew it was needed in order to grow, to learn.

(It was needed to see which Pokemon were worth his time, and which Pokemon weren’t.)

Paul is fair, but he’s not really nice. He’s harsh on everyone, but he has reasons, usually.

He’s harsh on his team because he expects better from them, knows that they can be better, that Chimchar can unlock his true power if he just tried harder. He’s harsh on other trainers because a lot of them have dreams too big for their heads, egos too big to have their mouths running as fast as they do, so Paul needs to humble them.

Wants to humble them. It’s always a good experience for his team, regardless of how truly weak the other team was.

(He’s different with Reggie, where the harsh and firmness can sometimes dip into being mean, cruelty tampering at the end of every word.

They don’t spend a lot of time at Paul’s home. Sometimes, Chimchar wonders if Paul even thinks it’s a home at all.)

Paul is harsh to pretty much everyone, but he’s still almost always fair.

It’s different when it comes to Ash though.

Chimchar thinks Paul might actually hate Ash. And he learned that because he focused on how Paul talked to Ash, the way Paul battled against him- because Paul told him he needs to have better focus on everything in the battle, including the other trainer, including the other Pokemon, but especially on Paul.

So, Chimchar met Turtwig in a battle, and that can tell you a lot about a Pokemon. He already knows a lot about Ash since this was their second battle together (determined, stubborn, gentle, kind), but even though he only had one battle with the grass type, Chimchar still knows a lot about Turtwig.

He was a perfect match for Ash. Just as stubborn, just as determined, just as light footed even if that was weird for a Turtwig, and just as willing to throw himself into uncertain matchups as Ash was, but trusting, trusting the trainer he couldn’t stand listening to in their first battle attempt.

It was fascinating, almost. Ash’s Staravia and Aipom and Pikachu all listened to him, but Turtwig didn’t, not during that first battle. But in the moments outside of battle that they had been together, before- Paul had been so irritated when Ash had said he thinks that Stantler just wanted to be friends- Chimchar could see that Turtwig didn’t hate Ash. He seemed to really really like him; still allowed Ash to hold him longer than necessary, didn’t even seem to mind it at all. But then why the rebellion? Why the need to ignore Ash like that in the midst of a battle, when it mattered most?

He wanted to have another battle with him, to try and parse the conflicting image he had in his mind. To try and figure out this speedy Turtwig Ash managed to catch. It was already a little weird to him that Ash hadn’t abandoned Turtwig after their initial battle was interrupted, and it was a little weird that Ash was so worried about Turtwig that he shielded him from the water-even though humans are much more fragile, even though Turtwig would've been okay- and it was very weird that Ash seemed even more determined to beat Paul after he lost, but still held Turtwig like he was something precious.

(Chimchar used to wonder if Ash saw Turtwig as something useful, his speed unmatched by even Gardenia's Turtwig. But the battles outside the ones with Paul’s other Pokemon were always weird, but he was getting the sense that most people didn’t abandon Pokemon as frequently as Paul does, so maybe Ash was like that too. Reggie tried to get Paul to at least stop abandoning Pokemon that he’s spent a significant time with, to at least keep trying with them, but Paul had treated that sentiment with the dignity it deserved.

“If a Pokemon can’t keep up, then how is it even fair to them?” Paul said afterwards in the shade of a tree, as if he hadn’t just yelled at Reggie with words dripping with as much venom as a Seviper’s poison, coy, direct and harsh. “See? I am thinking about their feelings. If I want to be the best, I need Pokemon with potential. If they aren’t living up to that potential, then what’s the point of continuing to try?”

Paul wasn’t looking at any of them as he said those words. But still, he could feel Elekid’s smirk and swallowed, clenched his fists into the small mounds of dirt beneath his hands.)

He might’ve had a battle with Turtwig and Ash (well, a battle and a half), but that wasn’t enough. And even though he was slow in parsing a lot of things like tactics and focusing- just focus Chimchar!- it didn’t normally take this long for him to understand an opponent. That was something he was actually good at and he didn’t want to add it to the list of things he wasn’t.

Chimchar was bad at a lot of things. He was getting better at… some of them, but he knows he’s lucky that Paul had been so patient with him. More patient than he was with other Pokemon. And he doesn’t know that Chimchar is even very good at this at all- because Paul likes focusing on ways they can improve themselves where they’re weak and not where they’re strong- and he doesn’t want Paul to notice because that means he’s doing bad at it again.

…Well.

...Did notice.

(Focus, Chimchar.

Leave the past in the past.)

Because Paul did notice. That he was doing bad again. He had told Chimchar that the Hearthome City tag tournament was his last chance. The real last chance.

And now he was here.

(Worse part was, he was actually excited for this chance to prove himself.)

As excited as he could be, with Elekid-Electabuzz now he guesses- breathing down his neck, excited to watch him fail. And the rest of the team didn’t like seeing him excited at all, except Torterra, but Torterra couldn’t always protect him and Torterra wasn’t even here now and he could never ever stop Paul and he wouldn’t have because he was there and now he wasn’t here-

“Chimchar?”

Chimchar jolted, his head snapping up. He wasn’t paying attention again, stupid Chimchar, that’s why Elekid always shocks you all the time, stupid, so he made sure his shoulders were square and his eyes looking up at-

Ash, who had paused, confusion dancing over his face as one knee rested on the floor.

Ash kneeled. To talk to him.

Dumb, stupid, dumb-

Pikachu was sitting on Ash’s head, one ear tilted as his eyes scanned over Chimchar. And sometimes, Chimchar feels like everyone here was looking right through him, see all the lies and disgusting parts of him that were as visible as his flames, see right through to his tainted soul and know something was wrong there.

Chimchar forced himself to relax, to smile and be the normal that everyone else here was, even if this normal was so weird.

He had tried to smile, before. Tried to have fun with battles. Battles were hard and he wasn’t very good at anything, but he could at least smile and show off his skill. Be confident, like Weavile. He smiled around his teammates and Paul and Reggie because he liked smiling, liked seeming happy and carefree because sometimes, that made opponents lower their guard. Sometimes, that made battles easier, and he could pretend he was better than he actually was.

He knew it would never work against Gym Leaders. Against Cynthia. But battling other opponents? Trainers who saw a small Chimchar and thought they were better than him just because he was small and hadn’t evolved yet?

(It didn’t always work on opponents and it never really worked in battles for very long, but sometimes, his teammates would see him smiling and goofy and-and happy and get annoyed with him. Leave him alone. None of them besides Torterra really liked him at all, but they liked him even less when he was beaming and humming and asking them how their training went so if Torterra was around or Paul was leaving they’d leave him alone.)

He could smile now. Smiling used to be easy, getting excited for battles was fun, so he could smile now. He could be their normal. He was dumb and slow and not good at remembering much of anything, but he could learn.

“Why’d you do that Chimchar?” Ash was reaching a close fist to him and Chimchar was trying really, really hard to not flinch as a finger connected with his cheek and smoothed his fur down. “You looked kinda silly just standing up all straight like that.”

(He needs to be normal. He likes being pet, so he needs to enjoy it.)

So Chimchar giggled, but no part of it sounded right or normal or anything good and Ash and Pikachu were giving him that weird, worried look again and he needed to not worry Ash that wasn’t his job!

‘Chimchar…” Pikachu said, trailing off with a small shake of his tail. ‘Are you alright?’

They ask him that question a lot. He didn’t know why. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know why. So Chimchar nodded, because he was okay and watched as Pikachu’s tail twitched again, before hiding completely behind Ash’s back.

He doesn’t get Pikachu and Ash. He gets who Pikachu is so it’s not like it is with Turtwig, but he doesn’t get Pikachu’s relationship with Ash. Torterra was always Paul’s partner, the strongest Pokemon he has and will ever have, and Pikachu is that for Ash but.

He’s been here for a few days and he’s never seen Pikachu go into his pokeball before. He hasn’t even seen it when Ash went to check everyone in with Nurse Joy. He’s not even sure if Pikachu has a pokeball, as if he and Ash are together because they act like-

Because they act like Pikachu wants to be out, like that’s allowed and normal. Chimchar doesn’t think that’s something he really wants so he’s not even sure why this is even bothering him so much, but he’s never ever seen Pikachu go in a pokeball before and he’s been here long enough to know that at least Piplup does, sometimes. When Pikachu loses a battle, he’s held and cradled against Ash’s chest like Ash’s biggest concern is making sure he’s okay, like Ash is more worried about making Pikachu feel safe and secure in his arms than the battle. As if Ash wanted to share the sights and smells and sounds of places that were made for humans, as if-

Chimchar doesn’t know.

(He was supposed to be good at reading people.)

“Anyway, come with me Chimchar,” Ash reached out, opened his arms for him, an invitation to hop on. “We wanna talk to you about something.”

…Chimchar wanted nothing more than to do just that; to jump and hug Ash tight, hug him for all he was worth.

(Ash wasn’t mad or upset or disappointed in him when he lost against Piplup. He didn’t even seem sad. He was proud.

Chimchar doesn’t think Paul had ever truly been proud of him, not in any way that mattered, not in any way that ever changed his opinion of Chimchar.)

And Paul doesn’t smile much. He doesn’t think he’s ever the softness of a real smile dance across Paul’s face, across any of his teammates faces. Paul doesn’t joke and laugh and giggle like the way Ash did with Dawn, doesn’t banter and joke like Ash does with Brock, and his fingers have never dug deep into Chimchar’s fur to comfort, to praise, just like he’s seen Ash do.

Paul doesn’t do any of those things- not to him or anyone else. Chimchar isn’t used to this, isn’t used to the playfulness in everyone’s faces, isn’t used to seeing a genuine smile when they were far away from cities and towns and Pokecenters and Reggie. He isn’t used to this-this much affection that’s always readily given, so so normalized.

(Because before Paul he was a wild Pokemon and before Paul, he didn’t have anyone.

He never wants to be a Wild Pokemon ever again.)

Ash huffed amusingly, reminding Chimchar that he stopped paying attention, again- “It’s cool if you don’t wanna ride. We can just walk together!”

He doesn’t want to walk together. He wants-!

…He doesn’t even really know what he wants. He just knows he doesn’t want to be like this. He wants to want this. He wants Ash to pet and scratch and hug him and never stop but he also knows that everyone else is so so normal about affection and hugs and-

He needs to calm down.

(Don’t forget what Torterra said just because he isn’t here anymore.)

He doesn’t feel like he belongs. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel like he belongs anywhere, because if he didn’t belong with Paul and he doesn’t belong with Ash that means he belongs to no one, and he hates that, hates that so much, but he doesn’t know how to get better either. What he was supposed to do to get better.

Ash was standing up. Ash was taking his silence like Chimchar was rejecting his offer, rejecting him, and he swallowed the whine that was trying to climb free from his chest because he didn’t deserve to be held if he couldn’t even say anything-

A pair of warm arms wrapped around his chest and hoisted him up.

Chimchar gasped as he was dangled, flinched when he was turned around, looked up to see-

“Sorry Chimchar,” Dawn said, sticking her tongue out as Piplup hung on her shoulder. “Hope you don’t mind if I carry you. It’ll make me feel a little better, knowing you get some hugs every once in awhile.”

“Dawn,” Brock was saying something, so it was probably important because Paul listened to Brock, respected him, but Dawn was holding him against her chest and she was stroking the tuff of fur on his head and her hands were secure under his legs and.

‘Like it?’ Piplup asked, his tone oozing with pride. ‘Dawn gives the best hugs, always!’

Dawn was the one who made the quip about no one knowing about his softer side, but she said with it such kindness and softness, as if she meant to say something else, meant to say-

Brock had said he couldn’t show any emotions with Paul. Chimchar hadn’t really thought that that was true, but maybe Brock was right. Chimchar doesn’t think he knows how to express himself. He thought he did, but he doesn’t know what to do when everyone’s so so kind and nice and he really only got to know Ash and Pikachu and Turtwig just a bit and Turtwig listens now and maybe this was why-

‘I like this,’ he whispered, closing his eyes as Dawn hugged him even closer, even more securely to her chest. He tried to calm his racing thoughts because Torterra always told him to calm down and slow down. So Chimchar tilted his head to hear the vein thumping in her throat and vibrations trilling behind each word as she spoke. ‘She-she’s good at hugs.’

Chimchar doesn’t think he’s very good at hugs though. He’s never been very good at anything, even things he knows he should be good at. He knows Dawn and Brock are talking, but he doesn’t know what, because all he can think about is Dawn’s warm hands combing through his fur, her arms holding him tightly. It makes his fire feel gooey and sticky in his belly; like the swell of emotions could climb up his throat and tinge his fire blazing pink, stars growing and expanding inside him. It’s too much sometimes and leaves something on his skin scratching and aching, but Ash and Dawn always touch him, and Ash’s team headbutt and brush against him so often that it makes his cheeks burn and his lungs breathless and.

And he doesn’t think that’s a normal reaction. He doesn’t even think they’re doing it because of him. Ash and Dawn are always doing that to each other’s Pokemon, like their teams are expanded, connected, combined and cared for and loved equally and-

Calm down Chimchar.

He’s not normal. He thought he was normal enough- he doesn’t know why this was so hard. Torterra and Reggie were kind to him, but he doesn't…

Maybe there’s just something broken inside of him. Maybe the reason he can feel his flames climbing up his throat when he tears up were because there were cracks beneath his skin, deeper than the fractures and scratches and cuts he’s gained over time. Maybe something in him had snapped the moment he hatched, something that caused his Blaze to sometimes spill over what it should, to ignite the pit in his belly higher and higher and higher.

Someone tapped his head- because his thoughts wander too much, because he doesn’t know how to stop them from wandering even now- and he couldn’t resist recoiling, even when Piplup’s fin came into view and not Elekid’s electrified fist.

“Piplup,” Dawn hissed through her teeth and Piplup sunk beneath her shoulders, staring at her with wide eyes.

‘Sorry Chimchar,’ Piplup apologized, even though Dawn hadn’t asked him too, even though it wasn’t Piplup’s fault he had overreacted. ‘Dawn was going to put you down and you looked so peaceful. I just wanted to give you a warning? I guess? Sorry.’

‘No, no, no, no,’ now Piplup was looking at him with wide sad eyes, even though he’s seen Piplup roughhouse with practically everyone at this point and his tap had been so gentle. ‘You’re right, I wasn’t paying attention, it was my fault. It’s not your fault I’m so absentminded, don’t worry about me!’

He shot Piplup a smile as Dawn kneeled to place him on the ground, giving him that soft smile of hers.

‘That’s not- I didn’t mean it like that!’

Chimchar was on the ground, away from Dawn’s arms and warmth and focused on tampering down his flames so she wouldn’t notice. He inhaled to quell the flame burning sharply on his rear, inhaled to quell the sparks that were trying to lick his throat and melt from between his teeth as molten magma because he might not be normal, but he knew how to control his fire.

Should know.

It was, it was easier to control his flames away from them, which feels like a failing of something fundamental inside him. He should be more careful, especially when it’s humans that are holding him, but he wasn’t very good at being careful either.

(That’s how he always got so hurt in training. If he had been smart and careful and calmed down and focused, he would’ve never ever gotten that badly hurt in the first place.)

Dawn took a step back as he nodded, patting his head as he returned her bright smile. He loves her, loves them, loves how Dawn treats him like he’s one of hers, loves how Ash treats him always and he loves them so so much and sometimes it feels like he can’t even hold it all inside.

Maybe it’s flowing through the cracks. Maybe love is messing him up, because love should be good and normal and make people happy, but sometimes he thinks that he’s different, because he keeps getting distracted by his thoughts and he needs to keep swallowing his flames and he knows he doesn’t do a very good job at showing them how much he appreciates all they’ve done for him and-

Calm down.

...He loves them.

And a battle can tell you a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer, the best introduction you could ever have, and he thinks that extends to the friends they make and the company they keep.

Chimchar’s known almost everyone here longer than the almost week it’s been since he joined Ash’s team. He’s gotten to know even more about them from listening in on conversations he doesn’t know how to enter, from the way they play and talk and banter and train. He wants to have another battle with Turtwig because battles are something he actually understands, and he wants to understand Turtwig just a little more.

(Part of him thinks that’s selfish. Wrong. He’s not edging for a battle with anyone except Turtwig, and he doesn’t want it to come off as an ego thing or a digging through old wounds thing.

He’s hurt Turtwig enough.

But Turtwig didn’t look like he minded when Ash asked him to join his team, looked happy that Chimchar was there, and he understands that even less.)

“Chimchar?”

Ash had kneeled down again, looking him in the eyes. Chimchar looked back, swallowing his nerves as his fingers dug into the dirt and grass beneath his paws.

“How are you settling in?” Ash continued, the same soft smile on his face, Pikachu hopping off his shoulder to stand by his side. “Everyone treating you nice?”

Does Ash think someone was being mean to him? Is that why he thinks Chimchar still sits to the side when everyone is playing or training together- having fun? He nods, keeping his smile and hoping it looks like the smiles he gives the Nurse Joys and Chansey’s when they ask him if something else is going on because nothing’s wrong. Everyone’s been inviting him to do things, Pachrisu even tried dragging him into a race he had no hopes of winning because he wasn’t as fast as she was but he doesn’t know he just.

He doesn’t know. Something about still doesn’t seem allowed if Ash wasn’t the one to say he could do it.

No one else asks for permission. Aipom told him once they all played on a ship all by themselves before accidentally sailing it away, but the part of that story any of them really cared about was how much fun running off on their own was. How they would do it again, even when it ended badly. How they had a plan to make sure their trainers would let them do it again, because they already blamed Team Rocket for the ship sailing off and they would do it again.

(Chimchar might’ve gotten a bit too caught up that Ash, Dawn and Brock had trusted them to have fun on a ship basically all by themselves in the first place.

Pikachu has never been in a pokeball since Chimchar arrived.)

No one else asks for permission to run around and play. Aipom had started asking Ash for permission for him, so she could ‘cut the middle man and hang out with you’.

Chimchar doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about that.

(He’s not sure if he’s even allowed to feel any way about it, because wasn’t he the one waiting for Ash to see his little looks?)

“That’s good,” Ash hummed, before moving to scratch at the spot right behind his ears. “You just don’t really seem to be playing with the other Pokemon much, but I didn’t think you were like Croagunk.”

Croagunk never really joins in on everyone else’s fun. No one makes him join in on anything he doesn’t want to, and Brock always asks him before he does anything.

It’s like with Pikachu, with Turtwig. It’s as if what they wanted mattered, even if they weren’t strong or good enough yet.

But this wasn’t like with Croagunk. Croagunk doesn’t join in because he doesn’t seem to want to most of the time. When everyone does their own thing and Ash doesn’t tell Chimchar to join them it never feels allowed, but also.

Also.

(He thinks he doesn’t know how to handle mattering. He doesn’t know how to handle being okay with how strong he is now because that also doesn’t feel like it’s allowed.)

“You want to be everyone’s friend, don’t you Chimchar?” Dawn asked, putting her hands on her hips. “You gotta get better at putting yourself out there! Be there with everyone and have fun!”

“Yeah!” Ash agreed, even though Chimchar doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with everyone, the role he’s meant to play anymore. “Everything thinks you’re awesome Chimchar! But we get if you’re still a little too nervous to hang out with the other Pokemon. You weren’t friends with anyone on Paul’s team, were you?”

Well. That’s not true. There was Torterra. Torterra was his friend, so that meant he had someone on Paul’s team and that sentence could just be a little less sad.

…Except he wasn’t sure if Torterra ever really viewed him as a friend at all.

(Except he wasn’t sure if Torterra ever checked up on him because he actually enjoyed Chimchar’s company or he just pitied him and. Chimchar doesn’t want to think about it like that. He likes Torterra; Torterra was so nice to him so many times, he doesn't want to think that Torterra might have thought he was annoying the whole time.)

“Well that’s okay!” Chimchar knows Ash is pretty good at interpreting Pokemon, can understand general thoughts and ideas if Chimchar would just stop being stupid and simply say something, but Ash was smiling and he didn’t look angry so maybe it was okay? “I had a pretty good idea to help with that!”

Chimchar looked at Ash, head tilted, before Ash looked over his shoulder, smiling at someone behind him. “There you two are!”

Chimchar turned around, because he just now noticed Pikachu wasn’t here anymore- and he should’ve been focusing on his surroundings and not the pure joy bubbling through him with Ash’s fingers on him- that Pikachu was behind him, gone-for maybe a little while now, and right by his side was…

Turtwig.

Chimchar could feel his breath catch in his throat as Turtwig smiled at him, walking to stand beside Ash. Ash placed a hand on Turtwig’s shell, and began stroking it gently as he talked.

“I’ve been talking with Turtwig and I was thinking,” Turtwig wasn’t looking at Ash anymore, didn’t seem to mind the hand still touching him, just like Ash barely seemed to notice that Pikachu had hopped back onto his shoulder, like the weight was an extension of himself. “What if Turtwig took you under his wing? Foot? …You know what I mean?”

Chimchar blinked, then pointed at himself.

“Yeah, you silly! Just until you get a little more used to being with us ya know? Someone who will always have your back and help you out when I don’t get something!”

And Ash grinned that smile that Chimchar had come to know him by, the smile that reached eye-to-eye, lighting up his face as his eyes squeezed shut. “I mean, I don’t really get why you’re having such a hard time, and you kinda remind me of an old friend of mine, just a little, so I thought maybe, if you had someone you could really be friends with beside me, you’ll get used to being around the other Pokemon?”

“Brock noticed that you never played unless Ash told you too,” Dawn piped in, leaning a little closer to Ash. “And we wanted to fix that, and you and Turtwig know each other a bit. Right?”

Brock noticed. Brock did what Paul always told him to do, so Brock noticed, and Brock had told Ash and Dawn about it.

(But Brock isn’t even here.)

‘Hey Chimchar.’

Turtwig took a step towards him and he hadn’t stopped smiling at him, as if Chimchar was something worth smiling at. He stuck a foot out and waited, turning his head and clicking his tongue.

‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ and why can everyone here just look at him and know- they know!- how weird and broken and messed up he was, because he was supposed to be able to-to notice things too, but he’s not smart enough for that and he doesn’t know how to be! ‘I hope I didn’t upset you. I really want to be your friend.’

Chimchar stared at the invitation, then looked at Ash.

“I don’t want you to accept because of me Chimchar. If you want to do this, you can!”

“And no one will be mad if you’re not ready,” Dawn added, giving Ash’s head a quick tap. “I’m sure Turtwig is fine waiting for you!”

‘I am!’ Turtwig added, nodding sharply. ‘If you don’t want to shake my foot or anything like that, it’s fine!’

Chimchar felt himself grimace as he stared at Turtwig’s foot.

…He has been avoiding Turtwig, even though he really wants to battle him and understand him more. He thinks he's been avoiding everyone on Ash's team, because their so weird and different and kind in a way he's not used to, in a way he thinks he'll never be used to.

(The first time Chimchar met Turtwig, it was during battle. An interrupted battle sure, but still a battle, which was one of the best introductions one can ever have. Paul always says you can learn a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer during battles; it was how you learned the other trainer’s style and that to battle was to understand everything that a Pokemon and their trainer were capable of.)

They all care. He doesn't quite understand why all of them- his new team and especially Ash- care as much as they do, but even he can see it.

And Chimchar knows, as surely as he knows his own flames and as surely as he knows he doesn’t deserve Paul but wishes he could anyway, that he was better. The first time he met Ash he lost, but the second time was where he got to learn about Ash and he won.

Turtwig was many things Chimchar didn’t understand and Paul always always said kindness is pointless and Elekid hates when he tries to be nice to him because he always thinks it’s pity, but Chimchar knows one thing.

He was better.

He was so, so much better than Aipom, than Staravia, but most importantly Turtwig, even if Turtwig was special too, faster than he should ever be able to be.

Chimchar didn’t think about that when he was with Paul because it didn't matter then, but he thinks about it a lot now. Because no matter what happens he knows that he was stronger*,* and that thought comforts him, even though Chimchar knows it really really shouldn’t.

Maybe that’s the real reason he was scared of turning a flame wheel onto someone who so adamantly promised to keep him safe, despite being far weaker than Chimchar ever was.

Maybe he wasn’t good or kind or anything like Dawn had described. Maybe there was nothing good inside him, when Paul saw his potential and still threw him away.

Maybe he used all his luck when he met Paul and there was no more inside him now, not enough to be friends with another Pokemon, not when he never had one that wanted him before.

(If he was good or lucky, he wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. They wouldn’t matter because they shouldn’t matter. If Chimchar was good, he wouldn’t be clinging deeply to that thought but he does, long after he should, long after it mattered.)

He wants to get to know Turtwig more. But Chimchar understands humans more than he does other Pokemon, and even then he only really understands battles, so he doesn’t know how to be someone’s friend and he doesn’t even think he should, because friends weren’t supposed to be this mean to friends in thier head.

But Ash thinks it’s a good idea.

And Ash is good, the kind of good that only comes once in a lifetime, the kind of good that you never get again. And Chimchar doesn’t know what he did to deserve being here with everyone; but he knows more than anything that he loves Ash, loves him more than the broken pieces of his chest can hold sometimes.

It hasn’t even been a week yet.

(And maybe that’s also not normal.)

So Chimchar lifts his own hand up, almost pulls it back when Turtwig and everyone else’s smile widens, and with shaking fingers-

He grabs onto Turtwig’s foot.

‘I’m sorry,’ and he’s mumbling and Torterra’s always told him to not do that, to be more confident and sure of himself, but he doesn’t know how to. Not with Pokemon that should be strangers but really weren’t. ‘I don’t think- I’m not going to be a good friend. I know I won’t. ‘m sorry.’

(All of the Pokemon on Ash's team have already tried this song and dance before. But it didn't seem to matter how many times he tried to tell Turtwig it was pointless to make small talk with him. How many times he told Staravia he didn't need to hover above Chimchar's head. How many times he told Aipom he wasn't a good friend whenever she tried to include him in whatever it was she was doing. It didn't matter to them. He did for some reason.)

“Why do you look so sad Chimchar?” Ash’s voice was laced with confusion and hurt and Chimchar wants that to stop because Ash doesn’t deserve to feel that way, not when he’s so good. “I thought… you want to be Turtwig’s friend, don’t you?”

Chimchar nodded, his fingers tightening around a tiny foot, because he does want to understand Turtwig more and he does want to make Ash happy.

(And maybe, if he hangs around Turtwig enough, he can learn how to open his heart and be kind to someone who has only ever looked down on him.

A Pokemon reflects their trainer after all, so Chimchar needs to be better.)

‘It’s alright,’ Turtwig said, his voice that small little thing it was that one time, when he seemed so worried about Chimchar even when he shouldn’t be. ‘And I think you would be a great friend. You’re so smart and you’re really nice Chimchar, and-’

‘Stop,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Please stop that.’

He’s not nice. He doesn’t know how he tricked Dawn and Turtwig and maybe everyone else that he was, but he’s not.

Turtwig dropped his foot and stared at Chimchar for a long moment, before he turned and nodded at Ash. ‘I’ll be the best friend he’s ever had.’

(His inability, him not getting it, never understanding; that never mattered to Ash's Pokemon, just like his weakness didn't seem to matter with his new trainer.)

“Thanks Turtwig,” Ash said, sitting down on his knees and pulling the both of them into his chest. “I know you two will be as thick as thieves someday! No need to worry right?”

Chimchar’s pretty sure that’s Dawn’s saying, because he’s heard her say that everyday he’s been here, but she doesn’t seem upset. She’s moving closer and moved to sit on the ground too, her hand finding it’s way onto his back as Ash hugged him and Turtwig close to his chest, curling up so their tight and secure and Chimchar thinks this is what love feels like and-

Chimchar doesn’t know how to be normal. He doesn’t know how to calm his thoughts and he doesn’t know how to focus.

Chimchar doesn’t really understand any of them- even if Turtwig is the one he’s most interested in for reasons that are so so selfish. Maybe Ash could tell, even if he didn’t know what Chimchar’s motivations were, and maybe that’s why he asked the other Pokemon to babysit him.

(Maybe, someday, Turtwig will look at him and see the Pokemon who only ever used him as a stepping stone for their own ego, who only ever looked down on him in some kind of morbid curiosity.)

Chimchar closed his eyes.

And buried his nose into the crook of Ash’s shoulder, feeling the thumping of the vein and ignoring the way Pikachu’s paw fell on his hand with a quiet whisper of ‘everything will be alright.’

Chimchar doesn’t belong here.

(And maybe, someday, Ash will recognize that part of him too.)

 

[Neon]

There are many truths to the world. There are many rights and wrongs and truths and ideals, but there are several things that will always ring victorious.

There are good humans and there are bad humans, just like there are good Pokemon and bad Pokemon.

(And the past was the past, and that was where it belongs.)

There are shades of gray of course. Not many, because Turtwig judges people on their actions and most people usually act in a way that paints them in a certain light, but there are shades of grey in the world. Granny always tried to remind him of that, to try and focus on the grays in people and Pokemon.

Granny also told him he needed to learn to be more patient with the Pokemon around him, to not jump to conclusions as quickly as he does. She always tells him he gets carried away, but she also always gives him Sitrus berries and thanks him for his help, so he must be doing something right.

Ash says that too. He says that Turtwig can be too stubborn for his own good, but the two of them were a team now, and that meant they would work through it together.

Humans are confusing, but Turtwig liked the good ones. He liked Granny even if she somehow always knew when he was calling her Clara (“not until you’re as old as me young ‘mon I’m your Granny until then”), even if she stayed in that big house all by herself years after her husband and Pokemon partner passed away. He really liked Ash, even if Ash had a goal he was willing to claw to with the kind of desperation that Turtwig would normally avoid. Human goals always reminded him of leech seeds clinging to his shell as they sapped all his energy away; all take take take until you lose, until you can’t keep going anymore and even then they bind bind bind deep into his thin scales and keep you there.

(Keep you there, until there's nothing left to give. Keep you, until someone else cares enough to save you. To help you.)

But he liked Ash, despite all that. Ash knew when to be silly and happy and act like a kid in perfect synchrony as he knows when to train and work hard and strategize. So Ash was Turtwig’s now, even if he was a human. Granny was his too, even now that he was gone, but Turtwig didn’t think he’d ever want a human more than her until he met Ash.

There are good humans and bad humans and the past should stay in the past, so Turtwig didn’t really know what the deal with Chimchar was.

Ash had approached him on Chimchar’s fifth official day with them, because Chimchar stayed away from everyone who wasn’t a human- even after the Zangoose thing, even after he saved everyone. Ash approached him with that look; the one where determination bleeds through his boy like he knew just the right angle to try, where dark brown eyes stare into him with trust and understanding and love love love.

How could Chimchar doubt that? How could Chimchar see Ash’s smile and not feel one of his own growing on his face? Because Ash was good and Ash was love and Ash was kindness, the kind Turtwig didn’t even know existed in human children.

Turtwig didn’t really even believe in kindness, once. Turtwig didn’t really believe humans wanted him for anything more than what he could give them, but then Granny saved him and he met Ash and Brock and Dawn. Maybe there were still some bad humans Turtwig would hate and maybe that would never change but maybe, that was okay. Maybe he didn't have to care about every human, but that doesn't mean he should shun himself from this. From Granny's love, from Ash's.

(It was humans that reminded him that the world was still good and the world was still kind and the world was always smiling, if you were willing to try to smile back.)

“Hey Turtwig,” Ash sat down next to him, placing a hand on his shell. “I have probably the biggest favour I could ever ask.”

It made sense that Ash would ask him to take Chimchar under his ‘wing’. Ash had emphasised that he was asking Turtwig because he trusted Turtwig with this the most, right after Pikachu, but he wanted Turtwig to be the one to help him.

“He’s already pretty familiar with you ya know? You guys were awesome together at the Tag Tournament, so I thought someone who had already been willing to protect him was a good idea!”

Turtwig slowly nodded, because he understood why Ash thought that was a good idea. He knows Chimchar more than that, and maybe Ash knows that too. Turtwig knows why Ash thinks that's a good idea and he thinks it makes sense on paper but…

(Shrunken pupils were staring at him, tears welling up as the heat- fever, flames something wrong- began building up, so hot Turtwig could feel it radiating where Chimchar's fingers rested on his foot.

''m sorry Torterra.')

Turtwig grimaced, head bowing low. Chimchar was sick then, just sick, he didn't mean it, not to him, and maybe he didn't mean it at all! And he doesn't remember it, so it meant nothing!

But…

Chimchar was avoiding him. He's noticed it in the side glances Chimchar's been giving him, noticed it in the slow way Chimchar's eyes follow his steps, noticed it in the way Chimchar would move away when Turtwig tried to come closer.

Turtwig likes to live in the now. The past was in the past and that's where it belongs, but like it or not-

He's not part of Chimchar's past anymore than anyone else here is. He was with Chimchar at the Tag Tournament, but Chimchar seemed okay with him then. Grateful. Smiling. He's not part of Chimchar's past anymore than Aipom or Pikachu. He knows that. He knows that.

But despite all that, he doesn't know how he feels around Chimchar. Chimchar's been doing everything he can to avoid him and Turtwig doesn't like thinking about the reason why even when somethings don't quite align, even when somethings just don't make sense.

(How is it fair that Chimchar's not scared of Starvia? Of Pikachu's Thunderbolts?)

"Turtwig?"

Turtwig shakes his thoughts off and looks back up at Ash.

Ash, who's leaning down just a little to be closer. Ash, who's waiting for him, waiting for his response, waiting for him to decide. Ash, who has Pikachu on his shoulder and practically pressed cheek to cheek and-

He wonders if Pikachu had just a little bit to do with Ash asking him specifically. He wonders if Pikachu saw the way Chimchar looked at Turtwig and encouraged this plan of Ash's to begin with. Ash trusts Pikachu more than nearly anyone, including even maybe Brock, and Turtwig hadn’t known a human who depended on a Pokemon for company as much as Ash did.

But maybe Pikachu hadn’t.

Because just like Ash could be really dumb sometimes, he could also be really really smart. So maybe Ash had just thought of Turtwig on his own because maybe Ash really did trust him that much.

(If he was more poetic, Turtwig would say that Ash being like this added to his synchrony, added to all the reasons Turtwig cared about him so much.)

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Ash said, head tilted. "I won't be mad or nothing. I know it's a big ask but… think about it? Maybe? I think you would do a good job, but you don't have to if you don't wanna."

Because that was another thing about being partners with Ash. Trust. Ash had said they were buddies and he promised they would get stronger, together, as a team. And Turtwig had to make a decision then, when Ash was explaining the importance of them working together, of dodging at the right times, whether or not this human he liked and wanted to travel Sinnoh with was a human he was going to trust. Trust was a brittle thing and Turtwig didn’t have enough of it in his soul to give freely. But he trusts Ash, which means he trusts whatever crazy idea Ash has in the middle of battle and he trusts Ash with his heart, body and soul.

(Trust was a brittle thing, and Turtwig didn’t have enough of it as is, and what he did have was scarred over with scabs and hidden with brightly coloured band aids. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t whole and it wasn’t really all that good- not anymore- but he was willing to give Ash what was left. Ash wasn't asking for it he thinks, but Ash was good, the good you never get twice, so Turtwig wanted to give him the world.)

Sometimes, it scares him how much he trusts Ash, Brock and Dawn. Sometimes, he’s scared of just how confident he is in them, in knowing they would always try their best with him and their teams. Sometimes, something haunts him as Brock cared for his wounds, as Ash trained with him, as Dawn cheered for them in training. He doesn't have much to offer any of them, only himself and his loyalty. And he wasn't the most perfect Pokemon or the strongest battler yet, but he still made Ash happy. So Turtwig was willing to extend that trust, offer a little more than was maybe necessary, because he thinks Ash deserves that much at the very least. He doesn't know when Brock and Dawn crept into the 'trust' place in his heart, when he started getting excited to watch Dawn figure out contests or listen to Brock's quiet retellings of his gym with Buziel as Ash trained with his teammates, but he did. It's scary, sometimes, but he likes it so he's going to keep doing it because they don't seem to mind.

That feeling's been getting weaker the longer he’s known them. Hopefully, maybe, someday, it’ll be gone.

He wonders if he should talk to Chimchar about that. He wonders if it’ll help.

He wonders if there was a name for the look Chimchar has on his face when he looks at their humans; something that looked like lounging mixed with terror.

(It doesn’t feel like a trust thing with Chimchar. Maybe it was, but the longer Turtwig watches Chimchar stay on the sidelines and simply stare at them, the less sure he is that trust has anything to do with it at all.)

So Turtwig nodded, and then bit Ash’s head for good measure. Ash yelped before he began laughing, tickling Turtwig’s tummy to make him let go and fall onto his lap. “Thanks so much Turtwig. You’re the best!”

‘It’s not going to be easy,’ Pikachu said, walking closer to them. Turtwig looked behind Pikachu- because Pikachu was with Chimchar, because Ash trusts Pikachu so very much- to see Piplup trying to pull Chimchar towards Dawn, who was trying to coax Chimchar over herself, a brush in her left hand. ‘I thought he was at least kinda comfortable with me? But I’m starting to think that’s because I’m usually with Ash. He was stuttering through his words a lot.’

‘He’s just scared for some reason,’ Turtwig said, looking up as Pikachu scampered up Ash’s arm and got comfortable on the boy’s shoulder, eyes closing in bliss as Ash scratched the spot behind his ear with as their trainer whispered his thanks. ‘He didn’t seem this scared last time.’

‘Aipom did mention that. But I don’t really know what to do,’ Pikachu tilted his head so Ash would scratch a little higher, letting out a relieved squeak as Ash complied. ‘He started avoiding her now.’

‘Really?’ Aipom was the only person Chimchar ever really talked to lately, and maybe that's why Ash was asking him to watch over Chimchar now and not sooner. He thought Chimchar liked Aipom a lot.

He thought he liked listening to her insanity at least, and usually, that was enough for Aipom to start claiming Pokemon.

‘I don’t know,’ Pikachu said, shrugging. ‘But hopefully we can figure something out.’

‘Hopefully,’ Turtwig snuck a glance back at Dawn and Chimchar, at the way Dawn was holding Chimchar’s smaller hand. Turtwig looked, and even from here, he could see the swell of emotions in Chimchar’s grey eyes, like the last flickers of ember shining through the ashes as they attempted to stay lit.

(Like the flames inside him peter out outside battle, like he doesn’t even know how to rekindle it anymore.)

Turtwig swallowed as he watched Dawn begin brushing Chimchar, as Chimchar’s eyes slid shut. ‘Why do you think he trusts the humans more than he does us?’

‘...What?’

‘No offense to Ash or Dawn or Brock,' he started, because Pikachu is extremely protective over Ash- for completely valid and fair reasons- and he didn't want to irk the other Pokemon by implying anything. Not that he would anymore. Not when Ash has wormed his way through Turtwig's heart and soul, not when Turtwig had no desire to let him go. 'If someone treated me like Paul did, I wouldn’t want to be near a human again. But Chimchar is so... comfortable with them. More than he is with any of us.’

Because Chimchar wasn’t comfortable around him- not at all- but that doesn’t mean he was all that comfortable around anyone other Pokemon to begin with. He’d always sit on the sidelines, watching them with eyes wide open, but never engaged, not unless Ash said he could.

(Aipom was good for Chimchar. He hadn’t even really thought about the similarities between their species, but Aipom was good at using that to drag Chimchar into small little competitions. Into at least trying to build a connection. It always felt like she was tricking him, catching him on his lies as he tried to backpedal and asked Ash when he seemed confused, but she still got him to do stuff.

Until now, apparently.)

Pikachu didn’t say anything for a long moment. Turtwig wasn’t even sure if Pikachu even knew how to respond to that, but Pikachu didn’t have the chance.

“Aww look at Chimchar and Dawn,” Ash snorted, his chin brushing against the twin leaves on Turtwig’s head. “She’s trying to steal him from me. One of these days she’s going to steal you guys and I swear one of you probably won’t come back.”

‘Well Dawn doesn’t stop scratching me whenever she gets distracted,’ Pikachu said, and Turtwig could practically hear him sticking his tongue. ‘She can multitask.’

“I’ve spoiled you. Brat. You literally pushed my hand off.”

‘And now I want it again,’ Turtwig huffed in amusement, shaking his head as Pikachu’s tail began thumping on Ash’s back as their trainer began scratching him again.

“Is that good enough for you, my Prince Pikachu?”

‘Maybe,’ Pikachu hummed, clicking his teeth together happily.

“Rude. I bet Turtwig would stay.”

‘Maybe.’

Pikachu began laughing as Ash spluttered. “WHAT’D I DO TO GET THAT ANSWER FROM BOTH OF YOU?”

Turtwig shrugged as he giggled, before turning to nibble Ash’s sleeve.

“I swear I spoil all of you too much,” Ash was trying to grumble, but there was mirth in his voice, dancing across his words. “I can count on Staravia. Staravia wouldn’t leave me for Dawn.”

‘No you can’t.’

‘Absolutely not,’ Turtwig added, shaking his head long enough to find a better spot to place his beak on.

Ash actually did grumble at that, but he also gave them extra berries with their dinner, so Turwig counts that as a win.

He wouldn’t ever actually leave Ash though. He loves Granny and she certainly tried, but he doesn't think a human has ever understood his conversation as much as Ash did. Pikachu admires that about Ash and has been insisting with Chimchar he should try talking with Ash because just because Ash couldn't understand him now doesn't mean he wouldn't try. Even if Turtwig wouldn't hate Dawn as a trainer and really really likes her, Ash was his. Nothing was going to change that, so Turtwig was going to stay by his side for as long as the boy let him.

---

Which led to Turtwig’s current predicament.

‘So,’ Turtwig started, mulling over his words. Ash had the brilliant idea of letting Turtwig and Chimchar stay out of their pokeballs as they travelled, which would’ve been great if Ash wasn’t also too focused on his conversation with Brock and Dawn to save Turtwig from the awkwardness. ‘How do you like the team?’

The two of them had been trailing behind Ash for awhile now, silent for awhile as Chimchar looked at everything he possibly could that wasn’t Turtwig. But despite all that, despite no one else being around, Chimchar still jolted at his question.

(Turtwig wishes Aipom was here.)

‘Everyone’s- everyone’s good. Nice.’

‘You sure? No one’s giving you any trouble?’

‘No, no. No one’s giving me anything. Everyone’s been nice.’

He’s pretty sure he’s asked Chimchar those questions before. He’s pretty sure everyone’s asked Chimchar those questions, but Chimchar was hard to talk to since joining the team that Turtwig doesn’t really know where else he’s supposed to start.

‘...That’s good,’ Turtwig said, glancing at Pikachu and Piplup. The pair were on their respective trainer’s shoulders, looking down at him in various degrees of exasperation. ‘Pretty different change of pace from Paul, huh?’

Pikachu jolted, scowling at him, and maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned Paul this early but Turtwig ran out of conversation topics and they only just started.

He’s never really tried to talk to Chimchar after the Tag Tournament. Turtwig doesn't know him. He doesn’t know how to talk to someone who almost never looks him in the eye anymore, who tries everything they can to walk away from him.

(Turtwig knows what happened wasn't Chimchar's fault. He knows Chimchar's never done it again because he stays away, but still. It's hard to talk to someone who stared at him like he was a ghost once.

He doesn't know how to talk to someone who stared at him like a ghost and was terrified.)

‘It’s-it’s been different,’ Chimchar mumbled, eyes trained on the ground. ‘I like Ash. And Dawn and Brock. I like them too.’

‘Good! I’m happy! They’re good humans aren’t they?’

‘...They’re very kind. And-and patient.’

‘Yeah!’ they were. Turtwig thought Chimchar would be a little happier just being here, but he also doesn’t know how long he spent with Paul. Maybe humans are more familiar to him than Pokemon.

Maybe, he was more comfortable with humans because a human hadn't been the one to physically hurt him. Maybe a human was the cause, but none of Paul’s other Pokemon seemed very nice at all.

‘You haven’t told me why you were avoiding me yet,’ Turtwig decided to settle on, even though he's pretty sure he knows the answer, even though he already didn’t really like the mental image he was forming about Chimchar’s old life.

(Thinking about Paul made him want to bash his beak and bite. He hated Paul. He hated Paul so so much because how could he say all those about any of them? About Ash, about Chimchar, about Turtwig?

Paul doesn’t know anything. He’s the stupid kind of trainer, just like all the other ones Turtwig hates.)

Chimchar’s eyes widened at that, before he started hunching up.

‘No, no, I didn’t mean to upset you! I was just wondering. Did I mess up? Because I’m really sorry if-’

‘Don’t,’ Chimchar hugged himself, shaking his head before finally settling on looking at Turtwig, for the first time all day. ‘Don’t blame yourself Turtwig. You did nothing wrong. Thank you for trying with me.’

‘...You’re welcome?’ that wording felt... wrong. Weird. Bad. Chimchar shouldn’t be thanking him for anything right now, but definitely not for ‘trying’.

'I mean it,’ Chimchar was smiling, but his voice was wobbling with sorrow and his eyes were darting between looking at Ash and Turtwig. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry Ash put you to babysitting me.'

'Babysitting?'

Chimchar was nodding with a laugh, even though nothing was funny, even though he was still hunched over and hugging himself. 'Yeah, I'm sorry. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I promise.’

'…I want to do this,' he explained, trying to be gentle and soft, even through the disgust building up inside him, a smile on his beak. 'Ash asked me to do this because he cares about you but it was my choice. And besides, I did want to talk to you anyway so this worked out for me.’

'Well… what did you want to talk about.'

'Anything really. Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to know?'

Chimchar opened his mouth, then slid it shut, hesitating before he swallowed. 'Why are you so fast?'

Something darker was swirling in his gut, faster and faster. 'Excuse me?'

'There's no purpose for you to be fast, you're a Turtwig,' Chimchar said, lifting a finger up, reciting words Turtwig's heard time and time again, mocking him. 'And your much faster now than you were before, so that means you're training your speed? Why?'

'Because I want to,' Ash liked that he was fast and Ash liked working on their stronger points. 'Do I need any other reason?'

'You could be training something more beneficial for someone like you! Like your defences or-'

'Because I don't want to do that!' his head had turned away, but his words had gotten more pointed, mean, and he tried not to flinch when Chimchar jumped. ‘...Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t really like it when someone says I’m wasting my time with my speed. I like being fast. It's important to me. Why should I have to give it up?'

Turtwig didn’t like a lot of things, but he’s still not used to all the consuming hatred that boils through his blood when someone suggests that he can't do something. He can do anything. No one was taking that away from him ever. He's with Ash because Ash believes in him- agrees that a Turtwig being fast is useful!- so it works out for everyone. He wasn't hurting anyone. Everyone needed to stop asking about this forever-

Turtwig took a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth.

(He could almost feel Granny’s hand; dry, cracked and worn from years of gardening and falling in love with the Earth as it rested on his head, voice quietly whispering her reminders to him.

Patience. He needed to be patient to do this.)

'I'm sorry,' he said, because he does owe Chimchar an apology, even if Chimchar was being rude. 'I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. Maybe we can talk about something else though.'

Chimchar’s smile pulled just a little higher and he was a step further now, barely lingering by his side. ‘What could you possibly want to talk to me about?’

‘Anything really,’ he messed up, he messed up, he needed to fix this somehow. ‘I’m just trying to get to know you better.’

‘You learn more about Pokemon through battles,’ Chimchar mumbled, his ears curling down a bit. ‘There’s nothing more to learn about me outside of that anyway.’

Turtwig shot a look at Pikachu and Piplup. Pikachu was staring at Chimchar, ears folded and tail flat and Piplup?

Piplup looked like he was trying to decide whether or not he was mad or hurt about the things Chimchar was saying, and he seemed to not know why.

(He gets that. He gets that so much because he doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore.)

‘...I do think you can learn a lot about someone during a battle, but don’t you think that battles show off the relationship between trainer and Pokemon more than each of them individually?’ this was an angle he could use, something he could talk about. And Chimchar seemed interested, if the way that he was finally looking at him again meant anything.

‘What do you mean?’

Turtwig didn’t really like how Chimchar was looking at him though. There was curiosity wisping over his features, but it was intertwined with caution. Fear.

Like he expected something bad to happen.

Like he expected Turtwig to snap again.

(Turtwig wasn't the softest or most perfect Pokemon partner but he wasn't that bad-)

‘Well,’ Turtwig swallowed and distracted himself by looking up at Ash, Pikachu and Piplup whipping their heads forward as Chimchar followed his eye. ‘I think you can tell a lot about each individual that are in a battle through their styles, but Pokemon battles and stuff like contests are more about partnerships. A human can normally only catch a Pokemon once they’ve weakened it, and then they enter into a mutually beneficial relationship. The human usually wants to achieve some kind of goal that they need the Pokemon’s help with, and the Pokemon can gain safety, food, companionship and a chance to become a better version of themselves with the human. Make sense?’

Chimchar nodded once and he was finally little more curious and a little less scared, so Turtwig continued.

‘So a battle in our case is our way of showcasing our trust in Ash. He has a pretty unconventional style with creative ideas, but ultimately, it’s our choice to trust that he has the plan. It can tell you a lot about him and a lot about me, but I think it can tell you a lot about us, together as a team more. I can say ‘Ash has a very interesting style’ and ‘Turtwig prefers a faster paced battle’ but what really matters is what message we’re sending the other team. That he can trust me and I can trust him and we’ll overcome any challenge, together.’

Chimchar nodded again, then paused, before his eyebrows furrowed together.

‘But that doesn’t tell me much about anything?’ Chimchar said, before he flinched so hard he stumbled and ducked his head as Turtwig turned to him in surprise. ‘Or maybe it does, I’m just, not good at focusing on battles, sorry, sorry.’

‘I think you focus during battles a lot,’ Turtwig said, moving a little closer but stopping when Chimchar squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Chimchar, do you want me to stop talking?’

He had lost his temper. Not badly, not nearly as bad as he could've, but Chimchar was jumpy, scared.

Patience. Chimchar deserved that at the very least.

‘I want you to stop asking me questions,’ Chimchar’s voice was barely above a murmur anymore and he was ducking lower and lower towards the ground and Ash hadn’t noticed that they were falling behind again and Turtwig didn’t know what to do.

‘I think you focus during battles a lot,’ he repeated and he hoped the Chimchar could see his sincerity when he peeked up at him between fingers, knees pressing on the ground now. ‘Remember at the Tag Tournament?’

Did that count as mentioning Paul? He thinks it might, and the last thing he wants is to send Chimchar into an actual panic, but Chimchar simply nodded instead, fully deflating to the ground with a frown.

‘I wasn’t very helpful.’

‘You were,’ it doesn’t look like Chimchar believes him, not anymore, but Turtwig meant it. Means it, even now, even when Chimchar was making himself look as vulnerable as a hatchling. ‘You protected me from that Flamethrower didn’t you?’ Turtwig chuckled and hoped it didn't sound fake or forced. ‘I thought I was supposed to be protecting you?’

They were being left behind now. They were being left behind, but Brock had mentioned that this was a straight path for awhile so it’s not like they were going to get separated except.

‘You saved me twice didn’t you?’ during the Tag Tournament and during the Zangoose thing, where Turtwig would’ve plummeted off a cliff with the others. ‘I meant it when I said thank you.’

Except he doesn’t think he wants to be completely alone with Chimchar right now.

(Except he thinks Chimchar shouldn't be left completely alone with Turtwig, no matter Turtwig's feelings on the matter.)

‘But. You- you did. Protect me I mean. From that Zangoose. I was scared and- and you did protect me,’ Chimchar whispered, thumbs picking the finger nail on his index finger. ‘No one- I knew you meant it. That you would protect me, even though we weren’t friends.’

‘I don’t have to be friends with you to want to protect you,’ Turtwig wasn't friends with everyone on his route, but he protected them because that's what you do. And he and Chimchar were a team so they couldn't avoid each other forever and Turtwig doesn't want to do that at all. ‘And I want to be friends with you now. That’s why I’m trying to talk with you. ...I don’t think I’m doing very good though.’

He doesn't think Chimchar really gets friends. He doesn't even know if Turtwig saying that at all was very smart but it's the truth.

(He wants to be friends with the Chimchar he battled with. He liked that Chimchar; and he knows that Chimchar is still a thing because he saw it after the Zangoose and Team Rocket were dealt with. He knows it's there it's just. Hidden. Scared.

Chimchar doesn't remember what he said.)

‘You’re doing great Turtwig,’ Chimchar promised, placing his clasped hands over his chest. ‘No one has. I mean, I don’t know why... You would’ve, you wanted to help me. And you did. And you were worried about me, the whole time.’

‘I was. So were Ash and Pikachu.’

‘Yeah but. I said I was okay.’

‘Doesn’t change our feelings,’ Turtwig turned his head to see Brock staring back at him, a hand on Ash’s shoulder to stop him.

Turtwig turned away, because he doesn't want to see them right now.

‘But I’m not. I’m not fragile. I can handle myself. I handled myself before I’m just- overreacting. I’m not weak.’

(Turtwig doesn’t know what he’s doing.)

‘Nothing would’ve changed our feelings I think,’ because that’s who he was and that’s who Ash was. He had saved Pikachu from a cage and Ash saved him from Team Rocket, even though Turtwig had taken his best friend. ‘Even if you were a powerful Mythical Pokemon, we would still be worried.’

(Pikachu had told them about the stuff that happened in Hoenn and Johto after the Darkrai thing.

Ash would help anyone, and Pikachu's overprotectiveness made so much more sense.)

‘I...’ Chimchar hesitated, worrying his lip as he looked up at Turtwig, before pulling himself up and furiously shaking his head. ‘Okay. I want to hear more. About battles being. More about partnership thing.’

…That didn’t seem like a good idea. Chimchar had reacted so badly just because he had asked a question. They should shelve this conversation for now, try another day.

‘I can handle it,’ Chimchar must’ve seen something in his face because there was a bounce in his step as he flipped himself over Turtwig. ‘I can handle it!’

...Could he?

Turtwig was supposed to be helping right now. He was supposed to be trying to be friends with Chimchar again. This was a conversation starter.

This was something.

‘...Okay,’ he relented, closing his eyes. ‘But we gotta catch up first.’

‘Easy! Talk and walk!’

‘...Sure. Talk and walk it is. Um. What was your question earlier?’

‘Forget it! Just- just keep explaining your point! I just... it takes me awhile to get things sometimes. Just keep going, I promise I’ll eventually get it.’

‘...Okay?’ Turtwig doesn’t know where this sudden burst of energy came from, but he sprinted with Chimchar to catch up with their humans as he thought for a moment. He had been talking about... trust. ‘I think a trainer relies on a Pokemon’s strong points during battles, which shows off another level of understanding between each other. Do you want an example from me and Ash or do you want something from... Paul?’

Chimchar eyes shrunk a little, but he licked his lips and nodded, a beaming smile on his face. ‘Something with Paul would be good. I’d understand it easier!’

Turtwig blinked, wincing a little as Chimchar’s smile kept streching until it grew ear-to-ear. Chimchar was so distraught just a moment ago, but Turtwig couldn’t see any of trace of it anymore and he didn’t get why-

This is the calmest Chimchar has been with him since the Tournament.

Turtwig decided he didn’t want to think about that ever actually, so he kept going. ‘I remember Brock said that Paul had you and Elekid attack Cranidos’ legs during the first gym badge to help secure the win.’

Chimchar’s smile cracked for a second at the mention of Paul, winced at the mention of Elekid, but nodded anyway. ‘Roark was depending on Cranidos’ strong legs to propel it forward and headbutt into opponents.’

‘Right. And that tells me all three of you are observant.’

Chimchar coaxed his head.

‘You can say something Chimchar,’ Turtwig said, and from the corner of his eye he could see Dawn beaming, elbowing Ash to show him that Chimchar was talking to someone. ‘We’re just talking. I promise I won’t be mad if you have a different opinion.’

(They shouldn’t be proud. They wouldn’t be proud if they understood what they were saying and just how far out his depth Turtwig was.)

‘Well,’ Chimchar hesitated, closing his eyes as he bobbed his head. ‘I don’t know how me and Elekid were observing anything. Paul told us to attack his legs.’

‘But you both knew the right places to attack to stop Cranidos as quickly as possible. That was on you.’

‘Yeah but... it was Paul’s plan.’

‘And I follow Ash’s,’ Turtwig said, nodding. ‘But you play a factor in the battle too you know. You’re an active participant; the way you move, attack and dodge matter just as much as any plan.’

‘Yeah but...’ Chimchar trailed off, before he hummed and nodded. ‘That does make a lot of sense. I’m not really- I don’t. I think I need to think about it more. Not the smartest Pokemon around.’

‘Stop insulting yourself.’

‘What?’

‘The insults. Stop them. You’re not stupid,’ Turtwig could feel the familiar curling of anger brewing in his stomach but he needed to clamp his beak and keep them there, make sure his words were softer and nicer than what he was used to. ‘This whole thing is just my opinion. You’re not wrong for having a different one.’

His opinion was right because this was one of the truths of the world, but that didn’t matter right now. If Chimchar wasn’t so scared of him they could actually talk about this. Turtwig could convince him that he matters in battle just as much as Paul did, that Paul was just as responsible for any losses they had along the way.

But if Chimchar didn’t actually believe that, they should have a conversation about it.

Chimchar shrugged, turning to face forward and very deliberately walk a few steps ahead of him, so Turtwig thinks he failed his first conversation with Chimchar.

He looked up at Pikachu.

Dawn had taken Piplup and moved him to her arms so Turtwig couldn’t see him as well anymore, but Pikachu was still facing forward, an ear turned towards them.

Chimchar mumbled something Turtwig didn’t hear, something soft and quick.

‘Come again?’

Turtwig couldn’t see Chimchar’s face anymore, and he wasn’t slowing down, but his voice was soft as he repeated himself. ‘...What could you tell about me?’

‘In what?’

‘If you use battles to see the relationships between humans and Pokemon then,’ Chimchar took a deep breath in, his shoulders following the motion. ‘Then what did you think of me and Paul? During our battle?’

...He shouldn’t have brought up Paul. He doesn’t want to answer that. He doesn’t want Chimchar to retreat into himself again and he doesn’t want to feel the tendrils of shame moving deep across his body. ‘Does that really matter anymore Chimchar? You’re with us now.’

Chimchar kept his pace consistent, a hand and foot in dual movement as he moved.

‘Yeah,’ Chimchar whispered, resigned. ‘Yeah, I-I figured.’

(There are good and bad humans and the past should stay in the past, so Turtwig didn’t really get Chimchar.)

Chimchar sounded so tired with those words, an age Turtwig couldn’t see revealing itself. Like he was used to it. Used to…

Disappointment.

Turtwig was the one who brought up Paul in the first place. He knew it was stupid, but he did it anyway, and he shouldn’t stop when this was the longest Chimchar has been talking to him since Ash caught him.

Patience. He needs to be more patient and little less stubborn; because maybe leaving the past in the past worked for Turtwig but maybe that wasn’t for Chimchar. Maybe Chimchar needed to deal with how his relationship with Paul affected him, especially since Turtwig knows they’ll see him again.

(They shouldn’t have to. Chimchar should let Paul fade away as a nasty memory, safe in the crevices of his mind to never think about again.

Except they kept running into Paul.

Except if they hadn’t kept running into Paul, Chimchar would have been left to be abandoned and injured, in territory he barely even knew.)

‘I thought you two made a great team during our first battle,’ he said, startling Chimchar. Chimchar slowed down, long enough for Turtwig to catch up, long enough for Turtwig to see the shock in his face that Turtwig had answer him at all. ‘You seemed so confident in yourself back then, and you and Paul worked amazingly together. ...Even though I think Paul was really mean to you at the end of the battle.’

Chimchar’s eyes darkened as he turned back to the ground, so Turtwig kept talking because he doesn’t know if he was supposed to stop now.

‘I saw the beginning and the end of something, didn't I?’ he asked, even as Chimchar whimpered. ‘You can tell me about the middle parts. If you want to.’

‘I...’ Chimchar swallowed, blinking rapidly as he looked up. ‘I don’t think I know how to. Not anymore.’

‘Hmmm. Maybe you can learn again. Maybe that’s another reason why you’re here.’

‘I don’t deserve to be here. I haven’t- I haven’t earned anyone’s respect.’

‘Earn?’ Turtwig doesn’t think he likes how Chimchar phrases a lot of things, but there was something very wrong with the way the word ‘earn’ filled his mouth now. ‘Chimchar. You don't have to earn anything. Ash asked you if you wanted to come and you made your choice.’

‘I would’ve been a Wild Pokemon if I didn’t say yes. Ash asked me because he thought I shouldn’t- I would’ve been fine. Being Wild again.’

‘You shouldn’t have to be.’

‘I would've been fine,’ Chimchar’s head snapped towards him, something like bitter anger finally snaking it’s way into him, before he withered into himself, wrapping his arms tight around his middle. ‘I’m always fine.’

(There was something... broken there. Something broken in the sentiment of ‘always being fine’ when Turtwig very much knows Chimchar wasn’t. Isn’t, even now. Everyone knows that, and Turtwig bets Chimchar does too because Chimchar really wasn’t stupid, but he doesn’t know if Chimchar... accepts it, not being okay.)

‘...you know it’s okay? Not being fine, I mean,’ home was Granny’s property for a long time and Turtwig didn’t really even believe in kindness, once. He had to relearn what it was, and he’s not sure if he’s found all the pieces of it just yet. ‘I know Ash said he didn’t get it and he probably doesn’t. But. You got us. And I’m not sure what part of this is bothering you so much and I won’t if you won’t tell me but I will be here for you. For whatever you need.’

‘...I don’t know what I need though,’ Chimchar whispered, because Chimchar just admitted to him that he doesn’t think he knows how to talk anymore and Turtwig doesn’t know how to even begin making assumptions, if the assumptions he made were even right. ‘I feel like I used to. But I don’t anymore. And I don't know why, this is better, I just need to calm down and stop being stupid-!’

(Turtwig found it hard to believe in kindness, for a very long time.)

‘You’ll figure it out,’ he promised, and he hoped Chimchar could tell that he really does mean it as Turtwig leaned against the other's head and nuzzled his jaw on Chimchar’s cheek. ‘You’re under my protection now. And I take care of the people and Pokemon I care about.’

Chimchar froze.

‘So will Ash and the others,’ Turtwig continued, walking ahead of Chimchar. ‘You’ll always have a home here Chimchar. Always.’

It was humans that reminded him that the world was good and the world was kind and the world was smiling, if you were willing to try to smile back.

Turtwig didn’t know how to help Chimchar. He understands why Ash asked him, but he doesn’t know if he'll do a good job. And he knows Chimchar is a little scared of him specifically- because Paul had a Torterra and Turtwig doesn't want to think about why Chimchar would be afraid of Pokemon from that line- but Chimchar barely seems to remember being scared. He knows that anyone and everyone else would do better than he would at this.

But Turtwig was stubborn and he really does want to be Chimchar’s friend, so he was going to try at least. Chimchar deserved that much from him.

Chimchar deserved so much more than him, but all Turtwig could offer was his company, his patience.

Chimchar took a shuddering breath from somewhere behind him and he was back at his side a few moments later.

‘...Thank you, Turtwig,’ Chimchar breathed, as if he would get into trouble if he said it any louder. ‘I think I’m. I’m done talking. For now. If you don’t mind.’

‘I don’t,’ he said, slumping a little as he smiled. ‘Besides, isn’t it such a beautiful day?’

‘...It is.’

Turtwig wasn’t sure how good that was. He doesn’t know how hard this was all going to be. He doesn’t know why Chimchar thinks that the best way Turtwig can understand him is through a battle and not through a conversation, but that doesn’t mean Turtwig was going to give up.

Chimchar was good. He had a good head on his shoulders and his loyalties laid with a human who Turtwig thinks he’ll hate forever, but Chimchar was here, Chimchar was okay, and Chimchar would get better with Ash.

(And Turtwig wanted to be part of the group that helped remind Chimchar of the world’s kindness. He doesn’t know why Chimchar seems to be forgetting it the longer he’s with them, but Turtwig wants to help someone like he’s been helped; so Chimchar was under his protection now, and he wasn't planning on letting him go.)

That was a promise.

 

[Neon]

Aipom had stolen Ash’s hat again.

That was weird. It used to be normal- a biweekly thing that Dawn was lucky enough to avoid, usually- but Aipom had stopped doing that ages ago. Not unless she was upset, not unless she was trying to cheer Ash up, but never just for the fun of it, not anymore.

But Aipom had stolen Ash’s hat and was running across the Pokemon Centre now, and Ash was chasing her.

(Dawn couldn’t tell what the reason was this time. If there even was one. What Aipom was hoping to achieve.)

“Stop it stop it stop it! Give that back Aipom!”

Aipom smiled, teeth flashing as her small shoulders shook with silent laughter, before suddenly pivoting, grabbing Ash’s head with her tail and flipping herself over him, and Ash went down against the side of a chair with a heavy thunk!

Dawn winced as Aipom laughed again, hat haphazardly on the monkey’s head as she scaled up into the ceiling rafters.

“Maybe you should try to figure out what Aipom wants?” Dawn suggested, staring at Ash as he glared daggers into his Pokemon. “You’re not getting your hat back if you don’t.”

“But I don’t know what Aipom wants! She just came out of her pokeball and decided to be a menace!”

“Aipom is always a menace,” she said, Aipom’s laughter kicking back up a notch. “You just have to figure out what she wants.”

“Easy for you to say,” Ash said, crossing his arms as he stood up. “Aipom! Get down from there!”

Whatever Ash was hoping for, Aipom sticking out her tongue and jumping around excitedly wasn’t it.

“Pikachu!”

Pikachu briefly glance up to stare at the chaos, but once he saw Ash was fine, Ash’s partner went right back to stare at whatever Brock was reading on the couch opposite to Dawn’s, actively choosing to let this stay an Ash problem.

“Thanks for nothing,” Ash grumbled. “Aipom we are not getting kicked out of this Pokemon Centre. Just get down before Nurse Joy sends Chansey here!”

Dawn is shocked Nurse Joy hasn’t sent Chansey here actually. Dawn hasn’t seen much of Nurse Joy at all since they arrived, and they were lucky that it was late enough for most of the other trainers to have gone up to their rooms, and the only ones in the area had decided to ignore them.

Which. Was a wise decision on their parts. Dawn just hoped Ash wouldn’t try scaling the walls or something.

(She hasn’t seen Ash scale a wall, but she wouldn’t be surprised if she does. She doesn’t know what her life has evolved to, but she’s seen Ash scale a giant arm that a group of adults and their talking Meowth used to pokenap his Pikachu, so Dawn’s a little surprised Ash hasn’t tried scaling something weird to get his hat back from Aipom yet.

Yet.)

“Just talk to her Ash.”

“I am not talking until she gives me my hat back! Aipom!”

Dawn sighed, slumping deeper into the couch cushions. Piplup looked up at her and wiggled so she would loosen her grip on him, before placing a flipper on her cheek.

“Pip?”

She smiled, because Piplup was always so sweet when he was worried about her. “No need to worry, I’m fine! I’m just… worried about someone else right now.”

Piplup frowned, before sitting back down with his back to her stomach and sighed.

“You’re worried about him too, aren’t you?” everyone seemed worried about Chimchar, but most of their Pokemon didn’t seem to know what to do with someone who seemed afraid of playing with them. Who seemed scared of doing much of anything unless Ash does it first.

“Who?”

“Chimchar,” she deadpanned, shoulders slumping as Ash’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve never seen a Pokemon like him before.”

Ash turned away from her, fingers picking at the seams of his pants. “Chimchar is strong. It’s like you said. No need to worry. He’s with us now.”

“I know,” she wrapped her around Piplup’s head and belly and thought about battles, about the possibility of pushing Piplup further and further and further until he could barely stand. “I know.”

(Why doesn’t that fill Paul with disgust? Why doesn’t the grossness of the whole thing climb up his insides like a disease, because who could look at sweet strong little Chimchar and see nothing more than a failure? Who could stare at the scratches and wounds littering Chimchar’s body, hear the quivering inhale and exhale of someone exhausted enough to collapse and say they’re not good enough?)

Maybe that’s why he was so mean to everybody. Maybe it did poison his insides, so much so that now all his words reflect his heart; cruel, dark and withered.

“Dawn.”

She frowned deeper, curling in more on herself. Ash took that as a sign to sit down next to her on the couch and Dawn could hear his shaky exhale as he banged his head against the head of the couch.

“I know it might be hard to believe me now, but Chimchar is going to be okay,” Ash whispered, swallowing. There were small pitters of footsteps as Pikachu jumped off Brock and onto the table between them as he made his way towards Ash, licking his trainer’s fingers as Pikachu settled and curled in Ash’s lap.

“How can you be sure?” because this wasn’t like with Buizel, who Dawn hadn’t understood enough to be the kind of trainer he needed. This wasn’t like with Croagunk, who was different in a way all Croagunk were but still everyone’s friend. This was-

This was something else entirely.

Something wrong.

“I just… I just know it. Chimchar’s a tough Pokemon. Maybe he’s having a little trouble adjusting to how awesome everyone thinks he is, but he’ll adjust. I know it.”

“Or he’ll end up hating you too.”

Something about Brock’s voice made something in her freeze, so she turned to him, because she can’t remember a time where Brock’s tone had seemed that…

Angry.

“This again?” Ash slumped, groaning quietly. “Charizard never hated me.”

Brock didn’t say anything to that. He just looked up from his book and stared at Ash, until Ash squirmed under his glance, until Ash turned away.

“He didn’t hate me,” Ash repeated, arms crossed and turned away from them both. “He doesn’t hate me.”

“He doesn’t Ash,” Brock finally said, closing the book and putting it down on the table. “But you’re only lying to yourself if you think Charizard didn’t hate you.”

“Chimchar won’t. He’s different, he won’t.”

“How can you be sure Chimchar won’t change?”

“He’s just scared!”

“Scared for now. He won’t be scared forever.”

“He won’t change. He won’t hate me. Not Chimchar.”

“Charmander didn’t hate you either.”

…Dawn didn’t know who Charizard was.

(Sometimes Ash and Brock got like that, and she was reminded that they had travelled together for so much longer than she thinks. That they know each other so much better than she knows them. That there was history there, Pokemon caught and regions travelled and mistaken made, long before she was allowed to have Piplup.)

“Look,” Brock said, clapping his hands together. “I think it was really nice of you to take Chimchar in. He needed immediate medical attention after the Tag Battle was over, and I’m never going to shame you for saving a Pokemon in need. I think you did a really good thing, not letting Chimchar leave.”

Ash made a motion to grab his hat and yank it, but his fingers slipped on empty air, so he grabbed a tuft of hair and bowed his head.

Maybe he was trying not to think about the state Chimchar was in after the Tournament.

Dawn tried not to.

(Because Chimchar seemed fine during the final round. He seemed fine during the award ceremony. But then afterwards, when they had brought everyone to do a final check in the Pokemon Center before they headed off, Ash’s Pokemon hadn’t come back.

They were waiting for Chimchar.

Dawn couldn’t blame them, not after seeing the state the poor thing was in.)

“I had to,” Ash said, fingers threading through thick black hair and fuzzy yellow fur as Pikachu crawled up his front and wrapped himself around Ash’s neck. “I had to- did you see how Paul talked to it?! I had to, Chimchar couldn’t just leave thinking all those things were true!”

“Exactly,” Brock said, glaring. “But this isn’t like Damien. This isn’t like anything you’ve ever experienced! Chimchar needs special help and I don’t think you’re the best person to give him what he needs!”

“But he doesn’t want to go!” Ash snapped, his hands balling into fists- and Dawn doesn’t think he’s asked Chimchar that, but Chimchar didn’t eat until Ash did, didn’t play until Ash said he could and his eyes became wide and shiny more often than not just from hugs and praise and-

“Making him leave would be w-wrong,” her voice cracked at the end, made Brock and Ash stare at her, but she couldn’t look at them- either of them- so she hugged Piplup tighter and he lifted his head to press his beak against her cheek.

Chimchar shouldn’t leave Ash, because Chimchar loves Ash. Dawn wasn’t a breeder or a gym leader or even a trainer as experienced as Ash and Paul were, but she thinks making Chimchar leave would be the kind of cruelty Chimchar has dealt with enough, enough to last a lifetime.

(She didn’t want to be cruel.)

She felt Ash’s hand on her shoulder and Pikachu’s tail against her arm, and it was a little easier to breathe, a little easier to look at them.

“It would be,” Ash said, sincerity bleeding through his tone and smile and posture, half lidded eyes showing relief relief relief. “Maybe I’m not the best, but I can try. And Charizard loves me now, even if he didn’t… always. I know even if I mess up, Chimchar would be my friend eventually. Besides! We have to work together to prove Paul wrong! So we gotta stay a team until then!”

Brock’s brow furrowed and he looked more upset than Dawn’s ever seen him- not angry, not anymore, but his brow was furrowed and his posture was firm but she could see his mouth twitching- before he suddenly slumped, defeated.

“If you want to keep Chimchar,” Brock drawled, making Ash perk up with a smile. “You better have an actual plan this time.”

“I do have a plan. Turtwig is my plan!” Ash announced, pumping a fist in the air. “He’s kind of like Bulbasaur and Turtwig did take care of an entire route of Pokemon all by himself! And you know how protective Turtwig can be, so it’s a win-win!”

“Yeah!” she didn’t feel much better, something heavy still clinging to her heart, but she released her grip on Piplup to clap her hands. “I have full faith in Turtwig! He’ll get Chimchar to play with the other Pokemon no problem!”

Brock sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Dawn could feel her smile freezing, her spirits deflating.

(But from the corner of her eyes, she could make out Aipom jumping out of the ceiling rafters.)

“That’s not a plan,” Brock said, his arms crossed across his chest as his eyebrows furrowed. “That’s ditching the whole thing to a Pokemon who also isn’t experienced enough to deal with this. Turtwig is a very responsible Pokemon, but you know how he gets carried away more often that not.”

Ash blinked before straightening up. “I'm not ditching the whole thing to him. I'll still be there! But you think asking him was a bad idea?”

“It’s not, it’s not that. Just-just give me a minute,” Brock dragged a hand across his face, spluttering gently. Dawn felt her shoulders hunch back as Ash frowned down at the table, eyes darkening as Pikachu nuzzled his nose against Ash’s shoulder.

“Chimchar won’t,” Ash repeated, eyes straight and narrowed and filled with determination. “And even if he stops being my friend, he’ll always have a place here. You’re right, maybe Chimchar does need someone who could be better than me, but I’m what he has. I’m not going to convince him that leaving is what he needs to do because that’s wrong!”

And Ash softened as Aipom leapt on the couch behind him, as Ash’s voice turned pleading. “He said- he wanted to keep trainin’ Brock. He could barely walk and Paul said he wanted to keep training and Chimchar agreed, and he would’ve kept going if we let Paul shock him back up. Maybe I’m not… enough, but I can do this. I know I can. Chimchar won’t.”

Aipom placed Ash’s hat back on his head before hugging him from behind.

“You have always been enough Ash,” because no matter how angry or upset Brock could get, no matter what happens, Brock and Ash were friends above all else, and Brock would never let Ash say that about himself. So he moved around the table to kneel before Ash, placing a hand on the other’s arm. “I promise you’ve always been enough. You’re right, Charizard loves you now and I know Chimchar does too. But it’s not about being enough. If Chimchar was treated as badly as we think, even I don’t think I’ll be able to help him the way he needs.”

Ash bowed his head as Dawn worried her lip, so she spoke up. “Why was… Paul doesn’t. He doesn’t go that far, right? Isn’t there like a protocol thing for Nurse Joy to check on the Pokemon being… he wouldn’t go that far, right?”

Because there had to be. There had to be something to make sure all top trainers didn’t work their Pokemon until they collapsed. And she doesn’t think Paul was lying when he said that only Chimchar gets trained that hard, but she doesn’t know if that makes her feel all that much better. It should, because that means he was just harsh-but-fair to the rest of his team- she doesn’t understand why he would release Pokemon that don’t meet his expectations but Brock also did explain to her that some elite trainers just do that- but it also means that he was harsh-but-fair to everyone except Chimchar, and Chimchar already doesn’t think he can do anything if Ash doesn’t tell him he can and-

Dawn doesn’t like the picture she’s painting in her head. And her Mom tells her she can be too quick to jump to conclusions and sometimes doesn’t look at the bigger picture enough, so maybe this was that again.

(She hopes it’s that again.)

“Chimchar doesn’t think he did,” Brock said, but Chimchar also kept standing up and up and up as Paul and Pokemon far bigger than he was attacked and attacked and attacked. “That might have something to do with it.”

Ash was quiet, but she could see the shakes vibrating across his body, tanned fingers moving to clench jeans.

“Okay,” Brock inhaled as he straightened up, just as Aipom moved to Ash’s other shoulder and nuzzled him with Pikachu. “How about this. You give Chimchar your Soothe Bell to make him feel better.”

Ash blinked, blinked. “The Soothe Bell?”

“Yeah,” Brock nodded, a smile finally growing on his face. “A Soothe Bell is great for making Pokemon more friendly, because the sound comforts the holder. If you give one to Chimchar, it might calm him down enough to talk to the other Pokemon and might help him feel more comfortable being here with us.”

Ash’s lips curled into a frown as he turned to Pikachu, who shrugged.

“…Does it force him to be more friendly?” Ash asked, and she was so happy to know that he also didn’t know how the Soothe Bell worked because she didn’t want to ask. She knows it can help Golbat evolve into a Crobat and she knows Pichu’s evolve because of friendship, but Ash hadn’t seemed like he was planning on giving the Soothe Bells to any of his Pokemon. Dawn didn’t even think he cared about the prize at all. She certainly hadn’t, because the competition was meant to be small harmless fun to get closer to her Pokemon and strengthen her battling skills, not win anything.

“Yeah, it would be a little weird if we gave it to him and tell him it’s to help him be more friendly,” she shuddered, imagining the hurt look in Chimchar’s eyes. “I think that would hurt him more than us not mentioning it at all.”

(That won’t go over well at all.)

“A Soothe Bell isn’t something for him to be ashamed of,” Brock said, straightening up. “Like I said, it might help him relax.”

“So it does force him to calm down,” Ash muttered, before shaking his head. “No. If he wants the Soothe Bell after he starts making friends, then he can have it. If the sound really is that relaxing, then I do think it would be good for him, but not until he works a little and gets more comfortable with the others by himself first.”

Aipom and Pikachu exchanged glances as Brock shook his head.

“Ash. Chimchar is hurt on a level we don’t know yet. Him having something to soothe him isn’t weakness. It’s just to help him calm down when he’s feeling a lot.”

“But Dawn’s right, he’ll think we don’t think he’s friendly enough! Chimchar is plenty nice enough, I don’t want him to think badly about it!”

“Remember what Paul said,” Brock finally snapped, teeth gritted. “Chimchar has a Blaze ability that we don’t understand! A Blaze so powerful, it made Paul put Chimchar through all that training just to get it to activate! And Chimchar’s already a very impressive battler, so it won’t be like Charizard’s flamethrower when he didn’t like you! It might be so much worse!”

“We don’t know that! We don’t even know if Blaze is even a thing anymore! And I can handle it Brock I promise-”

“What if we give Turtwig the other Soothe Bell?”

They both suddenly paused to stare at each other, before they turned to her, confused.

Because Dawn didn’t know these two as much as they knew each other. She didn’t know who Charizard was and she didn’t know what other Pokemon Ash helped.

But she also knows Brock isn’t normally this pushy for any of his ideas regarding Ash. She knows Brock recommends and gives them his two cents, but ultimately, Ash and Dawn always make their final decisions on their own. But she also knows that Brock values the safety of themselves and their Pokemon more than anything else while they were on this journey and she knows Brock isn’t an angry person.

So maybe…

“You- you have two right?” she asked, lifting two fingers because Paul had left two things when the Tournament ended, and didn’t turn back for either of them except to insult Ash one final time when he demanded to know why. “Yours and the one Paul gave you after. If you wanna give Chimchar a Soothe Bell, maybe give Turtwig the other?”

So maybe helping Brock convince Ash wasn’t that bad of an idea. Because maybe Brock was scared, just like she was and just like Ash was, and the only thing he could think of to settle his nerves was the Soothe Bell, anything to make Chimchar feel just a little more comfortable. She thinks if Brock had his way, Chimchar would be with someone else, being taken care of by professionals, but he would never force anyone to choose that route, so this was his next best bet. That if he was going to insist on something, this would be it.

Ash still seemed on the fence about it, frowning, but Brock nodded, cupping his face. “That’s a good idea. And it’s not like you were going to do anything with either of them anyway.”

“Yeah! And maybe, Chimchar won’t feel like we’re picking up him specifically if someone else also has one,” she added, smiling.

And Dawn didn’t know how good of an idea this was. Because she still thinks Chimchar will react badly even if they do give Turtwig the second bell. But Brock was usually right about things like this and maybe.

Then maybe this could be a gift. The Chimchar and Soothe Bell that Paul abandoned finding their way to Ash, the new home they found themselves in. Maybe they should stay together, signify a new beginning, a new chapter in Chimchar’s life.

(And maybe then, Chimchar will be able to smile, and he won’t look like he’s in a little bit of pain.)

Ash glanced at Pikachu again before sighing, crossing his arms. “I mean. They did help us win the whole thing right?”

Dawn smiled as Brock beamed, a small exhale escaping him as he held his chest for a moment, before nodding. “Thank you Ash.”

“Mmhmm,” Ash mumbled, still not happy, still not convinced, but he turned to Aipom, grabbing the rim of his hat and readjusting it. “What was that all about? Did you want something?”

Aipom nodded, solemn frown gone, snatching Ash’s hat again with her tail. But before Ash could yell at her again, Aipom presented it back to him, letting Ash grab it before clasping his hand and covering it with her tail, pressing it to his chest.

“…Now that I think about it, Aipom’s greet new members to their clan with gifts. A feast normally but like. Gifts.”

“So now you tell me,” Ash grumbled as Brock laughed nervously. “So don’t tell me you wanted me to give Chimchar the Soothe Bells too?”

Aipom shook her head, crossing her arms across her chest and turning away.

“Then food?” Another head shake.

“…a battle?” Aipom shot him a look at that suggestion, before shaking her head disappointingly. “Y’know what, never mind. I’ll just give them the Soothe Bells now.”

Aipom snatched the pokeball Ash enlarged from his hands before Dawn could stop him because what was he doing.

“Huh?”

“Ash Ketchum don’t tell me you were planning on just giving them the Soothe Bell the way it was were you?” how were they supposed to carry it? Did Ash expect them to hold it? Turtwig had tiny little nubs for paws, he couldn’t hold a bell for long if he tried!

“…Yeah?”

Aipom face-palmed. Dawn was close to following.

“How about we go to the Market when we leave here tomorrow?” Brock suggested, a small smile still on his face. “Then we can pick out some ribbons for them to wear and put them in a box.”

When Brock said ‘box’, Aipom started jumping around excitedly, pointing at him as a chorus of happy chittering exploded from her mouth.

“Wait you wanted me to go out and buy Chimchar a gift, Aipom?” Ash suddenly asked, turning back to his Pokemon. “That’s what all this was about?”

A welcome gift, something new, something shiny, something that proved that Chimchar was here, Chimchar was welcome, and that Chimchar should stay.

“I like that,” Dawn said, standing up with Piplup tucked under one arm and reaching over to give Aipom a quick scratch behind the ears. “That seems like such a lovely custom.”

Piplup chimed up, clapping his fins as he puffed his chest out, before Brock quickly explained that Piplup also had a similar custom between their species.

“Except. Y’know. The Piplup line do it when their proposing, which isn’t even remotely the same thing Piplup,” Brock finished, chuckling as Piplup scratched the back of his head bashfully.

Dawn still thought it was great, even if her own partner’s line did it to impress mates. Because maybe that meant there were more than one species of Pokemon that thought a new member was something worth celebrating, an occasion worth remembering, that every new member should feel loved and cared for, right from the very beginning.

(Maybe, while they were at the market, she could go around and find something for her own Pokemon. Something that would make them feel happy and loved and cared for, something they could hold and remember for a long time to come.)

---

Let it be known.

Ash Ketchum was one of the worst gift shoppers Dawn has ever met, and Dawn’s met Barry.

She doesn’t think it was necessary for Brock to have to help him find a good quality ribbon. She doesn’t think it was necessary for her to help him find a good colour. She doesn’t think it was necessary that they spent hours hunched over a photo of Turtwig on her Pokétch and an image of a Chimchar on Ash’s Pokedex before they collectively gave up and went to go print pictures, but now, more hours than she would like to admit later and very little that she can show off for it, they were finally ready.

“We are going back to that Market tomorrow so I can buy my Pokemon some gifts,” she said, listening to Ash’s nervous laugh as his Pokemon and Piplup ran a little ways away from them, playing tag after Ash said Pikachu was it for this ‘training exercise’. “I didn’t get to get them anything because I was so worried you would pressure your Pokemon into wearing the ugliest ribbons on this side of Mount Coronet.”

Tag was a training exercise, technically. They were all working to increase their speed and get better at dodging each other’s attacks the longer they played, getting more competitive with each attack. But they were still playing, and that part seemed to be confusing Chimchar more than he knew how to deal with, because he’s been tagged six times in the past fifteen minutes because he kept stopping to stare at the others, and it might’ve been more if Turtwig hadn’t yelled out something and they started giving poor Chimchar a break and aiming for each other more.

“I’m not good at gift giving.”

“No kidding.”

“Ash, there’s being bad at gift giving and then there was whatever you were doing,” Brock snorted, shaking his head. “Your mom must’ve been getting the worst gifts from you.”

“I dig her up flowers! And berries! And she likes that!”

“Does she?”

“Stop,” Ash said, glaring at her. “And anyway, we always spend hours looking for things whenever you go shopping, so what’s the big deal? At least I wasn’t looking for something dumb like a new dress!”

She could feel her smile strain, her eyebrows twitching. “Well at least I always have something to show for it. You already knew exactly what you needed, and you still spent hours just staring at ribbons!”

“I didn’t know which ones were the good ones!”

“That’s why you hold them! And not grab the first ones you see, why would that shade of green look good on either of them?”

“I don’t know! That’s why you both were there!”

“Alright alright,” Brock placed a hand on each of their shoulders, pushing them apart. “Let’s just give it to them now. I think we’ve stalled enough.”

They both stared at each other before sighing, looking away.

“Sorry Ash.”

“No I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take so long choosing something. Thank you for helping me. Both of you.”

She could hear Brock huff in amusement as she smiled, playing with her bracelets as Ash took a deep breath and pulled out two small blue boxes from his bag. He walked towards his Pokemon, boxes behind his back as he called for them.

“Alright gang! We’re taking a break from training! Come here!”

They all gathered around Ash quickly, even Piplup, which Chimchar did a small double take at. They all gathered around Ash, who moved to kneel in front of Chimchar, Pikachu climbing up his arm and onto his head.

“Hey Chimchar,” Chimchar looked up at Ash, staring intensely before Ash petted his head. “Relax, you’re okay. Did you have fun with the others?”

Dawn wasn’t really sure whether or not the weird blink thing Chimchar was doing lately was because he had something in his eyes, or he was still flinching whenever Ash petted him. Dawn hoped it was the former.

Even if that was a little dumb for her to think. Maybe even a little stupid.

(Dawn remembers how violently Chimchar flinched those first few times she tried to reach for him, because she had always startled back and pulled her hand away from him.

She remembers how violently he flinched those first few times, because his eyes would get shiny and he would curl in on himself whenever he seemed to realize who she was, and he always looked so guilty in a way that was almost haunting.)

Chimchar nodded, smile so wide it reminded her a little bit of Ash’s, and Ash beamed at him, pleased.

“I got you something,” he said, pulling out the boxes from behind his back. “Well, I got something for you and Turtwig.”

Turtwig straightened up at that one, walking up towards Ash with an excited smile.

Chimchar looked between the box and Ash, smile fading to a small curious frown.

The box was cute. A small turquoise box that was tied up with an even darker blue ribbon that a very kind elderly man had helped them tie it- because Ash was struggling with that at the Mart and it was very sad to watch- and he had seemed so excited about the gift.

(“Lemme know how those Pokemon o’ yours like ‘em! Hahaha!”)

“Go ahead,” Ash said, extending the box, as warm and gentle as he could be. The five of them- because Piplup knew what was in the box but was still staring at it like it was new for some reason- moved closer to the box and Aipom gently took the top one from Ash’s hands.

Aipom also knows what’s in the box. She is also, still, twisting it around to inspect it, being very careful to not shake it as Staravia’s head turns to follow her movements.

Maybe this was a game that Piplup, Aipom and Pikachu made. Because Pikachu was crawling down Ash’s arm to smell the second box, batting it as lightly as he could without disturbing the contents within. Maybe this was something fun they made up, being as confused as Turtwig, Chimchar and Staravia were, because Piplup is glaring at the box in the most exaggerated display of confusion Dawn has maybe ever seen and Turtwig is staring at him*-* because Turtwig must know Piplup knows and must not get why he’s acting like that.

Except…

“Pi…” Pikachu whispered, pointing at Chimchar with his nose before pointing at the box with his paw. Chimchar glared for a moment, staring for a few seconds too long before he moved slowly on his knuckles, cautiously taking a small sniff, before tilting his head and smelling the box more closely.

Except maybe, they didn’t want Chimchar to think they know what’s in there.

(Except maybe, they didn’t want Chimchar to think they thought the Soothe Bell was a good idea at all.)

“You can take it,” Ash whispered, nodding at Chimchar’s surprised sound. “It’s for you! It took me awhile to figure out something nice, so I hope you like it.”

Chimchar looked up at Ash, eyes wide. He swallowed, before he bowed his head deeply with a few murmured chitters.

“You’re welcome Chimchar,” Ash laughed, poking Chimchar in the head as Dawn smiled. Chimchar was so sweet, just the cutest, and if Ash hadn’t offered to take him or Chimchar declined him, she would’ve volunteered to bring him.

Chimchar didn’t deserve to be left alone.

(How sad was it that Team Rocket snatching him right before Ash caught him was simply their way of saying ‘you deserve more and you deserve better and we want to help with that’.

How sad was it, when Paul had been so worried the first time Chimchar was taken by them, that Team Rocket may have been much kinder to him than Paul ever was.)

Behind him, Aipom and Piplup were tag teaming keeping Turtwig away from his box. Staravia had moved on from watching them to walk closer to stand next to Chimchar instead.

“Well. Go on!”

Chimchar hesitated, before reaching forward as Ash handed the box to him. Chimchar took a moment to stare at the wrapping, sniffing it and flipping the box upside down. Staravia, very helpfully, pecked the box, finally causing a small chime.

All the Pokemon froze, before Chimchar finally began unwrapping his box.

Turtwig moved to stand by his other side as Chimchar very gently pulled and unknotted the ribbon. Aipom jumped onto Turtwig’s back and perched on his head while Piplup moved to watch next to her, placing a flipper on her legs. The ribbon wrapping fell away, the top of the box was lifted and-

“Pip?” Piplup called when Chimchar didn’t do anything but stare for several long moments.

“Kachu?”
“Turwig?”

Chimchar didn’t answer them. Instead, he reached into the box and pulled out the ribbon- a gorgeous aquamarine she had eventually found, with two golden carets pointed upwards on each side for decoration- cupping the Soothe Bell that was tied to the middle in his hands. Chimchar didn’t react when Aipom moved to poke him gently, fingers moving across the ribbon like it was something precious, chest still and pupils blown.

She couldn’t tell if he liked it.

She couldn’t tell if he liked it-

“Chimchar?”

All at once, Chimchar spluttered out the long breath he was holding, bringing his hands and the ribbon to his chest as he breathed heavily.

…It was always Ash that snapped him out of these moments, where the world seems to fade away around him. Because sometimes, it doesn’t even seem like Chimchar notices the other Pokemon, doesn’t seem to think they would even bother addressing him. Sometimes, he takes too long to respond to Brock and herself, which is why she thinks he flinches so hard with her when she touches him sometimes, even when she tries to give him plenty of warning after the first time she scared him.

But never Ash.

“Are you okay?” he asked, leaning in a little closer.

Chimchar swallowed, nodding, holding the Soothe Bell tight to his chest. Chimchar wasn’t looking at anyone, head slightly bowed and eyes to the ground.

Dawn didn’t know what reaction she was expecting, but it wasn’t this; not this subdued and not this quiet.

(She thinks she might’ve preferred something louder. Something more angry or happy or anything that wasn’t this.)

“Turtwig?” she called, and Chimchar flinched again, hard, eyes screwed shut as the others jumped with him. They calmed down pretty quickly, Turtwig turning to her, eyes darting between her and Chimchar.

(Turtwig would protect Chimchar in anyway he could. Dawn thinks Brock was right when he said that maybe Turtwig wasn’t qualified and maybe Turtwig didn’t know how, but Dawn knows Turtwig wasn’t going to let that stop him, knows that Turtwig would keep trying forever to make sure Chimchar would be happy with them, someday.)

“Why don’t you open your box?” she asked, rubbing her arms as Chimchar’s eyes stayed closed. “See what Ash got you?”

Turtwig nodded and Aipom dropped his box in front of him, no longer caring to hide the obvious chiming that was coming from within. Turtwig bumped his head against Chimchar’s, once, twice before Chimchar turned to him, before Turtwig motioned towards the ribbons on the box.

“Will you help Turtwig open his box Chimchar?” Ash said, just a little bit quieter and maybe just a little bit more sad- because Ash hadn’t even planned on giving Chimchar the Soothe Bell and maybe he wasn’t expecting this reaction either- before moving his head, Pikachu nuzzling against lighting marked cheeks. “You are the ones with hands after all.”

Chimchar bit his lips as the other Pokemon stared at him, patient, waiting. They stared as Chimchar slowly reached forward and fiddled around with the second box with his right hand- Soothe Bell clutched so tightly in his left Dawn could see where his cream fingers were beginning to turn pale- fumbling and tugging until the ribbon finally fell away.

And when Chimchar lifted the red ribbon out of the box- something Ash had chosen, the same golden carets as the ones decorating his- Turtwig chirped in happiness. Chimchar lifted the ribbon higher, letting the Bell catch the sunlight-

Then Chimchar’s eyes simply stared right through it, half lidded in a way she’s never seen before, and Dawn doesn’t think she’s ever seen a Pokemon look more exhausted before in her life.

She doesn’t think she’s ever seen a human look more exhausted before in her life.

(She thinks they messed up.)