The first time Chimchar met Turtwig, it was during battle. An interrupted battle sure, but still a battle, which was one of the best introductions one can ever have. Paul always said you can learn a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer during battles; it was how you learned the other trainer’s style. That to battle was to understand everything that a Pokemon and their trainer were capable of.
(“What does he think a bleeding heart is going to help with? If a Pokemon doesn’t want to listen, then it’s as worthless as a Pokemon who can’t battle. And did you see how weak that Turtwig was? A pathetic Pokemon with it’s equally pathetic trainer.”)
Wait, wait, wait,
whose perspective is this written from at the moment? Though I kinda wonder if in the event that the paren speech was meant to be a flashback, if it should’ve been italicized.
Paul always reflects over battles, long after it was over, long after it mattered. He analyzes the strategies of his opponents and the Pokemon they used, and how they exploited the weaknesses in his own. A battle was a lesson, a learning opportunity. Paul hated losing- hated it so so much- but he knew it was needed in order to grow, to learn.
(It was needed to see which Pokemon were worth his time, and which Pokemon weren’t.)
Paul is fair, but he’s not really nice. He’s harsh on everyone, but he has reasons, usually.
Oh, so this is
Chimchar’s perspective we’re following here. I… admittedly am unsure whether or not it makes sense to render this in present verb tense since Chimchar seems to be recalling past instances of Paul being a harsh trainer, but I suppose it depends on what he’s up to now.
He’s harsh on his team because he expects better from them, knows that they can be better, that Chimchar can unlock his true power if he just tried harder. He’s harsh on other trainers because a lot of them have dreams too big for their heads, egos too big to have their mouths running as fast as they do, so Paul needs to humble them.
Wants to humble them. It’s always a good experience for his team, regardless of how truly weak the other team was.
TL/DR: Paul is a dick. Don’t be like Paul, kiddos.
(He’s different with Reggie, where the harsh and firmness can sometimes dip into being mean, cruelty tampering at the end of every word.
They don’t spend a lot of time at Paul’s home. Sometimes, Chimchar wonders if Paul even thinks it’s a home at all.)
I’m not sure if I’m following the paren text here. At first I thought these were supposed to be flashbacks from the perspective of Chimchar (e.x. recalled lines of dialogue in the past), but this part could’ve worked fine without the parens and felt right at home with the other dialogue up to this point.
Paul is harsh to pretty much everyone, but he’s still almost always fair.
Yeah, “fair” by an insane and psychotic standard that expects living beings to perform like abstractions in Smogon all the time, everytime. Since I
remember how Paul handled Chimchar having a panic attack on the field when fighting that Zangoose in PokéAni.
It’s different when it comes to Ash though.
Chimchar thinks Paul might actually hate Ash. And he learned that because he focused on how Paul talked to Ash, the way Paul battled against him- because Paul told him he needs to have better focus on everything in the battle, including the other trainer, including the other Pokemon, but especially on Paul.
I’m now morbidly curious as to if the show ever followed up on Paul after the DP season at all, since if his outlook didn’t change afterwards, I can already tell that his reaction to Ash by the end of the original PokéAni would’ve been popcorn-worthy.
Though I’m wondering if it’d have made sense to provide a bit more “framing events” for Chimchar at the moment, since while we’re getting to see his thoughts play out at the moment, they’re pretty disembodied and it’s not really clear where he is right now or what he’s doing while thinking all of this.
So, Chimchar met Turtwig in a battle, and that can tell you a lot about a Pokemon. He already knows a lot about Ash since this was their second battle together: he was determined... stubborn... gentle... kind..., but And even though he only had one battle with the grass type, Chimchar still knows a lot about Turtwig.
I would suggest reformatting your paragraph here to ditch the paren text, since I’m not really sure that it’s an aside from Chimchar’s thought process here but rather a direct part of it.
He was a perfect match for Ash. Just as stubborn, just as determined, just as light footed even if that was weird for a Turtwig, and just as willing to throw himself into uncertain matchups as Ash was, but trusting, trusting the trainer he couldn’t stand listening to in their first battle attempt.
It was fascinating, almost. Ash’s Staravia and Aipom and Pikachu all listened to him, but Turtwig didn’t, not during that first battle. But in the moments outside of battle that they had been together, before- Paul had been so irritated when Ash had said he thought that Stantler just wanted to be friends- Chimchar could see that Turtwig didn’t hate Ash. He seemed to really really like him; still allowed Ash to hold him longer than necessary, didn’t even seem to mind it at all. But then why the rebellion? Why the need to ignore Ash like that in the midst of a battle, when it mattered most?
He wanted to have another battle with him, to try and parse the conflicting image he had in his mind. To try and figure out this speedy Turtwig Ash managed to catch. It was already a little weird to him that Ash hadn’t abandoned Turtwig after their initial battle was interrupted, and it was a little weird that Ash was so worried about Turtwig that he shielded him from the water-even though humans are were much more fragile, even though Turtwig would've been okay- and it was very weird that Ash seemed even more determined to beat Paul after he lost, but still held Turtwig like he was something precious.
Be careful with your verb tenses. I gather that you’re writing things from a present verb tense, but that would not apply to things that are happening in
the past relative to whatever is “here and now”. Those should very firmly be “past verb tense” to emphasize that they happened “then” as opposed to within the flow of what’s presently happening.
Also, I
do kinda think that we need some “framing” at this point for what’s going on with Chimchar, since this is a
lot of his inner thought that has been playing out in a disembodied fashion at the moment. Like even something as simple as acknowledging “Chimchar is in his Pokéball in stasis, and can’t really do much other than introspect at the moment” would’ve gone a long way here.
Chimchar used to wonder if Ash saw Turtwig as something useful, his speed unmatched by even Gardenia's Turtwig. But the battles outside the ones with Paul’s other Pokemon were always weird. He never saw Ash abandon a Pokémon after a battle like Paul did, but he was getting the sense that most people didn’t abandon Pokemon as frequently as Paul does did either, so maybe Ash was like that too wasn’t all that special. Chimchar remembered that Reggie had tried to get Paul to at least stop abandoning Pokemon that he’d spent a significant time with, to at least keep trying with them, but Paul had treated that sentiment with the dignity it deserved.
Some rephrasing suggestions here. And oh yeah,
that’s certainly a healthy mindset and outlook on life there. /s
“If a Pokemon can’t keep up, then how is it even fair to them?” Paul said afterwards in the shade of a tree, as if he hadn’t just yelled at Reggie with words dripping with as much venom as a Seviper’s poison, coy, direct and harsh. “See? I am thinking about their feelings. If I want to be the best, I need Pokemon with potential. If they aren’t living up to that potential, then what’s the point of continuing to try?”
Yeah,
okay, Paul.
Paul wasn’t hadn’t been looking at any of them as he said those words. But still, he could feel Elekid’s smirk and swallowed, clenched his fists into the small mounds of dirt beneath his hands.
This is another spot where IMO your text doesn’t need to be parenthetical here.
He might’ve had a battle with Turtwig and Ash (well, a battle and a half), but that wasn’t enough. And even though he was slow in parsing a lot of things like tactics and focusing- just focus Chimchar!- it didn’t normally take this long for him to understand an opponent. That was something he was actually good at and he didn’t want to add it to the list of things he wasn’t.
I don’t think that the underlined really makes sense unless if Chimchar is actively in the middle of training/a battle or something where there’s stuff actively flying around that he needs to be focusing on but is also zoning out from at the same time. Since I’m not really sure why he’d interrupt his thought process like this otherwise.
Chimchar was bad at a lot of things. He was getting better at… some of them, but he knows he’s lucky that Paul had been so patient with him. More patient than he was with other Pokemon. And he doesn’t know that Chimchar is even very good at this at all- because Paul likes focusing on ways they can improve themselves where they’re weak and not where they’re strong- and he doesn’t want Paul to notice because that means he’s doing bad at it again.
Wait, wait, wait. So is Chimchar still
with Paul at this point in time? Since that wasn’t clear at all to me up to this point and I thought he’d already been booted and gone over to Ash after the whole “Zangoose PTSD” incident during the Tag Tournament.
…Well.
...Did notice.
(Focus, Chimchar.
Leave the past in the past.)
I would strongly recommend reworking the stuff in parens to just be at one with the surrounding narration since it’s
already from Chimchar’s perspective there.
Because Paul did notice. That he was doing bad again. He had told Chimchar that the Hearthome City tag tournament was his last chance. The real last chance.
And now he was here.
Oh
boy, so we’re going to see
that moment play out from Chimchar’s perspective in this chapter.
(Worse part was, he was actually excited for this chance to prove himself.)
This feels a bit “told” and not “shown” to me. Show how Chimchar is feeling excited here. Like does he have any particular hopes that are wrapped up in doing well in this tournament? If so, what are some of them?
As excited as he could be, with Elekid-Electabuzz now he guesses- breathing down his neck, excited to watch him fail. And the rest of the team didn’t like seeing him excited at all, except Torterra, but Torterra couldn’t always protect him and Torterra wasn’t even here now. And he could Torterra would never ever stop Paul and he wouldn’t have because he was there and now he wasn’t here-
“Chimchar?”
Chimchar jolted, his head snapping up. He wasn’t paying attention again, stupid Chimchar, that’s why Elekid always shocks you all the time, stupid, so he made sure his shoulders were square and his eyes looking up at-
I feel like if Chimchar is snapping to attention from zoning out, that it
definitely makes sense to elaborate on his surroundings and what’s going on right now. Like if I remember my DP season right, this was
literally the first time that Chimchar had ever fought in front of a large crowd. Like is he excited? Anxious? Worried that if he messes up that everyone will see him and judge him the same way that Paul and most of his Pokémon judge him for messing up?
Ash, who had paused, confusion dancing over his face as one knee rested on the floor.
Ash kneeled. To talk to him. [ ]
Dumb, stupid, dumb-
I feel like we need a bit more lead-in than this for Chimchar going full “yeah, this is stupid”
Pikachu was sitting on Ash’s head, one ear tilted as his eyes scanned over Chimchar. And sometimes, Chimchar feels like everyone here was looking right through him, see all the lies and disgusting parts of him that were as visible as his flames, see right through to his tainted soul and know something was wrong there.
Well,
that’s certainly new. Though I do wonder if this should’ve been something that was a part of Chimchar’s thought process in his earlier introspection, since he very clearly has self-esteem and self-worth issues and it’d presumably have colored his earlier thought process quite a bit since I’m not sure if it was communicated consistently earlier that Chimchar saw something wrong
with himself up to this point.
Chimchar forced himself to relax, to smile and be the normal that everyone else here was, even if this normal was so weird.
He had tried to smile, before. Tried to have fun with battles. Battles were hard and he wasn’t very good at anything, but he could at least smile and show off his skill. Be confident, like Weavile. He smiled around his teammates and Paul and Reggie because he liked smiling, liked seeming happy and carefree because sometimes, that made opponents lower their guard. Sometimes, that made battles easier, and he could pretend he was better than he actually was.
I mean, in his defense, if you’re going full Xenofiction, I’d expect a monkey to feel weird about smiling to try and telegraph
happiness, since for the vast majority of primates, that’s a sign of
aggression.
He knew it would never work against Gym Leaders. Against Cynthia. But battling other opponents? Trainers who saw a small Chimchar and thought they were better than him just because he was small and hadn’t evolved yet?
(It didn’t always work on opponents and it never really worked in battles for very long, but sometimes, his teammates would see him smiling and goofy and-and happy and get annoyed with him. Leave him alone. None of them besides Torterra really liked him at all, but they liked him even less when he was beaming and humming and asking them how their training went so if Torterra was around or Paul was leaving they’d leave him alone.)
I would recommend changing the paren text to be formatted as part of Chimchar’s normal narration. Also, I could’ve sworn that you brought up like half of the contents of this second paragraph at different points earlier on, since you already mentioned that Torterra was the only teammate that made a point of standing up for Chimchar and this hits a fairly similar note here.
He could smile now. Smiling used to be easy, getting excited for battles was fun, so he could smile now. He could be their normal. He was dumb and slow and not good at remembering much of anything, but he could learn.
Well
that was painful to read there.
“Why’d you do that Chimchar?” Ash was reaching a close fist to him and Chimchar was trying really, really hard to not flinch as a finger connected with his cheek and smoothed his fur down. “You looked kinda silly just standing up all straight like that.”
I actually don’t remember if this was a part of that one episode from the DP season, but it certainly
sounds believable there.
(He needs to be normal. He likes being pet, so he needs to enjoy it.)
So Chimchar giggled, but no part of it sounded right or normal or anything good and Ash and Pikachu were giving him that weird, worried look again and he needed to not worry Ash that wasn’t his job!
‘Chimchar…’ Pikachu said, trailing off with a small shake of his tail. ‘Are you alright?’
I… think that it probably makes sense to do more to differentiate human and Pokémon speech from each other in this story than single vs. double quotes, since the two look very similar to each other. (Also, you mixed in a double-quote for one of Pikachu’s lines here.)
They ask him that question a lot. He didn’t know why. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know why. So Chimchar nodded, because he was okay and watched as Pikachu’s tail twitched again, before hiding completely behind Ash’s back.
Because Paul is transparently an abusive asshole and they’re worried for you?
He doesn’t get Pikachu and Ash. He gets who Pikachu is so it’s not like it is with Turtwig, but he doesn’t get Pikachu’s relationship with Ash. Torterra was always Paul’s partner, the strongest Pokemon he has and will ever have, and Pikachu is that for Ash but.
He’s been here for a few days and he’s never seen Pikachu go into his pokeball before. He hasn’t even seen it when Ash went to check everyone in with Nurse Joy. He’s not even sure if Pikachu has a pokeball, as if he and Ash are together because they act like-
I kinda feel like “Pikachu is Ash’s strongest Pokémon” is something that should’ve just been stated upfront at the underlined portion to play up the “of course Pikachu’s relationship with Ash should be different from Turtwig’s” a bit more, but as it stands, this is pretty roundabout at the moment.
Because they act like Pikachu wants to be out, like that’s allowed and normal. Chimchar doesn’t think that’s something he really wants so he’s not even sure why this is even bothering him so much, but he’s never ever seen Pikachu go in a pokeball before and he’s been here long enough to know that at least Piplup does, sometimes. When Pikachu loses a battle, he’s held and cradled against Ash’s chest like Ash’s biggest concern is making sure he’s okay, like Ash is more worried about making Pikachu feel safe and secure in his arms than the battle. As if Ash wanted to share the sights and smells and sounds of places that were made for humans, as if-
Chimchar doesn’t know.
Oh, so Chimchar
was chilling in his Pokéball at the start of this chapter. Uh… yeah, the narration should ideally make that a
lot clearer since it’d have helped considerably with contextualizing what was going on.
(He was supposed to be good at reading people.)
I think that your “reads” are more than a little skewed right now given that you consider Paul
expected and normal for what humans are supposed to be like, just saying, Chimchar. ^^;
“Anyway, come with me Chimchar,” Ash reached out, opened his arms for him, an invitation to hop on. “We wanna talk to you about something.”
…Chimchar wanted nothing more than to do just that; to jump and hug Ash tight, hug him for all he was worth.
… Wasn’t Chimchar having a whole “stupid, stupid” thing about talking to Ash earlier? This feels like a bit of an about-face here.
(Ash wasn’t mad or upset or disappointed in him when he lost against Piplup. He didn’t even seem sad. He was proud.
Chimchar doesn’t think Paul had ever truly been proud of him, not in any way that mattered, not in any way that ever changed his opinion of Chimchar.)
I feel like we need more of a connection to whatever’s happening in the present day right now, though is Chimchar not being trained by Paul
after all? I’ll admit that I’m a bit confused at the moment here.
And Paul doesn’t smile much. He doesn’t think he’s ever the softness of a real smile dance across Paul’s face, across any of his teammates faces. Paul doesn’t joke and laugh and giggle like the way Ash does with Dawn, doesn’t banter and joke like Ash does with Brock, and his fingers have never dug deep into Chimchar’s fur to comfort, to praise, just like he’s seen Ash do with his Pokémon.
Chimchar: “Yeah, I’m jealous, so what?” >_>;
Paul doesn’t do any of those things- not to him or anyone else. Chimchar isn’t used to this, isn’t used to the playfulness in everyone’s faces, isn’t used to seeing a genuine smile when they were far away from cities and towns and Pokecenters and Reggie. He isn’t used to this-this much affection that’s always readily given, so so normalized.
The underlined IMO suffers from being too “told” and not “shown”. Like what does it mean in Chimchar’s thoughts for this to be weird and unusual? Like does he wonder if this is normal? How Ash’s Pokémon ever know how they need to do better and suck less if Ash is just constantly doting on them regardless of how well they do in battle?
(Because before Paul he was a wild Pokemon and before Paul, he didn’t have anyone.
He never wants to be a Wild Pokemon ever again.)
I feel like this ought to have been explored more in terms of thought process here. Like
what specifically does Chimchar associate life in the wild with such that this is an instant “nope nope nope, I don’t care if Paul sucks to be around, I can’t do that again” proposition for him.
Ash huffed amusingly, reminding Chimchar that he stopped paying attention, again- “It’s cool if you don’t wanna ride. We can just walk together!”
He doesn’t want to walk together. He wants-!
…He doesn’t even really know what he wants. He just knows he doesn’t want to be like this. He wants to want this. He wants Ash to pet and scratch and hug him and never stop but he also knows that everyone else is so so normal about affection and hugs and-
He needs to calm down.
Chimchar: “Not least of all since Paul surely is going have a cow about me messing around and not preparing for the battle that I desperately need to win if I’m not going to get kicked from the team.”
(Don’t forget what Torterra said just because he isn’t here anymore.)
And what Torterra said was…?
He doesn’t feel like he belongs. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel like he belongs anywhere, because if he didn’t belong with Paul and he doesn’t belong with Ash that means he belongs to no one, and he hates that, hates that so much, but he doesn’t know how to get better either. What he was supposed to do to get better.
Belongs to what? Though I feel like a lot of these thoughts that are being articulated by Chimchar right now ideally need to be foreshadowed a lot more earlier on in this chapter instead of just getting dropped on the reader this deep in.
Ash was standing up. Ash was taking his silence like Chimchar was rejecting his offer, rejecting him, and he swallowed the whine that was trying to climb free from his chest.
because He didn’t deserve to be held if he couldn’t even say anything-
A pair of warm arms wrapped around his chest and hoisted him up.
Chimchar gasped as he was dangled, flinched when he was turned around, looked up to see-
“Sorry Chimchar,” Dawn said, sticking her tongue out as Piplup hung on her shoulder. “Hope you don’t mind if I carry you. It’ll make me feel a little better, knowing you get some hugs every once in awhile.”
Cue Paul coming around the corner and being a wet towel in about thirty seconds.
“Dawn,” Brock was saying something, so it was probably important because Paul listened to Brock, respected him, but Dawn was holding him against her chest and she was stroking the tuff of fur on his head and her hands were secure under his legs and.
‘Like it?’ Piplup asked, his tone oozing with pride. ‘Dawn gives the best hugs, always!’
Chimchar: “Wait, where were
you the entire time?”
Piplup: “I mean, the text said that
Dawn was out, so I was surely next to her? I mean, we
were basically inseparable from each other back in the DP seasons, so…”
Dawn was the one who made the quip about no one knowing about his softer side, but she said with it such kindness and softness, as if she meant to say something else, meant to say-
Brock had said he couldn’t show any emotions with Paul. Chimchar hadn’t really thought that that was true, but maybe Brock was right. Chimchar doesn’t think he knows how to express himself. He thought he did, but he doesn’t know what to do when everyone’s so so kind and nice and he really only got to know Ash and Pikachu and Turtwig just a bit and Turtwig listens now and maybe this was why-
Is that Brock talking about his own emotions, or about Chimchar showing emotions to Paul? Since if it’s the latter, boy does that sound like some seriously unhealthy advice there.
‘I like this,’ he whispered, closing his eyes as Dawn hugged him even closer, even more securely to her chest. He tried to calm his racing thoughts because Torterra always told him to calm down and slow down. So Chimchar tilted his head to hear the vein thumping in her throat and vibrations trilling behind each word as she spoke. ‘She-she’s good at hugs.’
Boy it sure is a good thing that Paul hasn’t come along to ruin this sweet and heartfelt moment yet.
Chimchar doesn’t think he’s very good at hugs though. He’s never been very good at anything, even things he knows he should be good at. He knows Dawn and Brock are talking, but he doesn’t know what, because all he can think about is Dawn’s warm hands combing through his fur, her arms holding him tightly. It makes his fire feel gooey and sticky in his belly; like the swell of emotions could climb up his throat and tinge his fire blazing pink, stars growing and expanding inside him. It’s too much sometimes and leaves something on his skin scratching and aching, but Ash and Dawn always touch him, and Ash’s team headbutt and brush against him so often that it makes his cheeks burn and his lungs breathless and.
I feel like quite a bit of this paragraph is very “told” at the moment, and ideally should be shown playing out more in Chimchar’s thought process here.
And he doesn’t think that’s a normal reaction. He doesn’t even think they’re doing it because of him. Ash and Dawn are always doing that to each other’s Pokemon, like their teams are expanded, connected, combined and cared for and loved equally and-
Calm down Chimchar.
He’s not normal. He thought he was normal enough- he doesn’t know why this was so hard. Torterra and Reggie were kind to him, but he doesn't…
And
what about Chimchar makes him think that he’s not normal again? Since it’s not really articulated much here.
Maybe there’s just something broken inside of him. Maybe the reason he can feel his flames climbing up his throat when he tears up were because there were cracks beneath his skin, deeper than the fractures and scratches and cuts he’s gained over time. Maybe something in him had snapped the moment he hatched, something that caused his Blaze to sometimes spill over what it should, to ignite the pit in his belly higher and higher and higher.
No, that’s called emotional scarring, and a sign that you
really need a new trainer, stat.
Someone tapped his head- because his thoughts wander too much, because he doesn’t know how to stop them from wandering even now- and he couldn’t resist recoiling, even when Piplup’s fin came into view and not Elekid’s electrified fist.
“Piplup,” Dawn hissed through her teeth and Piplup sunk beneath her shoulders, staring at her with wide eyes.
‘Sorry Chimchar,’ Piplup apologized, even though Dawn hadn’t asked him too, even though it wasn’t Piplup’s fault he had overreacted. ‘Dawn was going to put you down and you looked so peaceful. I just wanted to give you a warning? I guess? Sorry.’
I feel like there should be a more described of Dawn and Piplup’s body language and interactions here, since there’s not a lot to really ground what they’re “doing” alongside what they’re saying at the moment.
‘No, no, no, no,’ now Piplup was looking at him with wide sad eyes, even though he’s seen Piplup roughhouse with practically everyone at this point and his tap had been so gentle. ‘You’re right, I wasn’t paying attention, it was my fault. It’s not your fault I’m so absentminded, don’t worry about me!’
Wait, Ash and Dawn
know that Paul’s other Pokémon smack Chimchar around in this continuity? I could’ve sworn that in the anime that they were pretty in the dark as to the full extent of how much Paul was an abusive asshat.
He shot Piplup a smile as Dawn kneeled to place him on the ground, giving him that soft smile of hers.
‘That’s not- I didn’t mean it like that!’
Is that Chimchar or Piplup speaking there? It’s a bit ambiguous at the moment.
Chimchar was on the ground, away from Dawn’s arms and warmth and focused on tampering down his flames so she wouldn’t notice. He inhaled to quell the flame burning sharply on his rear, inhaled to quell the sparks that were trying to lick his throat and melt [ ] from between his teeth as molten magma because he might not be normal, but he knew how to control his fire.
Should know.
I think that you’re missing a word at the spot with the brackets here.
It was— It was easier to control his flames away from them, which feels like a failing of something fundamental inside him. He should be more careful, especially when it’s humans that are holding him, but he wasn’t very good at being careful either.
Underlined IMO works better articulated in Chimchar’s thoughts more directly.
(That’s how he always got so hurt in training. If he had been smart and careful and calmed down and focused, he would’ve never ever gotten that badly hurt in the first place.)
I don’t think that this needs to be paren text since it feels like a pretty direct outgrowth of Chimchar’s thoughts up to this point.
Dawn took a step back as he nodded, patting his head as he returned her bright smile. He loves her, loves them, loves how Dawn treats him like he’s one of hers, loves how Ash treats him always and he loves them so so much and sometimes it feels like he can’t even hold it all inside.
Maybe it’s flowing through the cracks. Maybe love is messing him up, because love should be good and normal and make people happy, but sometimes he thinks that he’s different, because he keeps getting distracted by his thoughts and he needs to keep swallowing his flames and he knows he doesn’t do a very good job at showing them how much he appreciates all they’ve done for him and-
Calm down.
...He loves them.
Chimchar: “Ugh, why did I need to think about that when I’m still
Paul’s Pokémon and I’m going to have to go
back to him after all of this…?”
And a battle can tell you a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer, the best introduction you could ever have, and he thinks that extends to the friends they make and the company they keep.
I’m not sure if I’m really feeling this part given that you said this almost verbatim earlier on in the chapter.
Chimchar’s known almost everyone here longer than the almost week it’s been since he joined Ash’s team. He’s gotten to know even more about them from listening in on conversations he doesn’t know how to enter, from the way they play and talk and banter and train. He wants to have another battle with Turtwig because battles are something he actually understands, and he wants to understand Turtwig just a little more.
Okay, yeah, I feel like this should be made clear a
lot earlier on in the chapter, since I was getting mixed signals up to this point. I’m surprised that there wasn’t more mental focus on the whole events of the Tag Tournament given that the whole “face a Pokémon you have a crippling fear of and then get kicked to the curb thing” surely would’ve loomed pretty large in Chimchar’s mind afterwards.
(Part of him thinks that’s selfish. Wrong. He’s not edging for a battle with anyone except Turtwig, and he doesn’t want it to come off as an ego thing or a digging through old wounds thing.
He’s hurt Turtwig enough.
But Turtwig didn’t look like he minded when Ash asked him to join his team, looked happy that Chimchar was there, and he understands that even less.)
I would recommend not making this parenthetical text and rendering this more from Chimchar’s thoughts more directly than this.
“Chimchar?”
Ash had kneeled down again, looking him in the eyes. Chimchar looked back, swallowing his nerves as his fingers dug into the dirt and grass beneath his paws.
“How are you settling in?” Ash continued, the same soft smile on his face, Pikachu hopping off his shoulder to stand by his side. “Everyone treating you nice?”
You sure that’s the right question to be asking Ash? After all, Chimchar doesn’t exactly have a definition of ‘normal treatment’ that is in line with your own.
Does Ash think someone was being mean to him? Is that why he thinks Chimchar still sits to the side when everyone is playing or training together- having fun? He nods, keeping his smile and hoping it looks like the smiles he gives the Nurse Joys and Chanseys when they ask him if something else is going on because nothing’s wrong. Everyone’s been inviting him to do things, Pachrisu even tried dragging him into a race he had no hopes of winning because he wasn’t as fast as she was but he doesn’t know he just.
He doesn’t know. Something about still doesn’t seem allowed if Ash wasn’t the one to say he could do it.
Your underlined moment here feels like the phrasing is a bit jumbled. I would suggest taking a step back and reworking things.
No one else asks for permission. Aipom told him once they all played on a ship all by themselves before accidentally sailing it away, but the part of that story any of them really cared about was how much fun running off on their own was. How they would do it again, even when it ended badly. How they had a plan to make sure their trainers would let them do it again, because they already blamed Team Rocket for the ship sailing off and they would do it again.
Aipom literally gets put on a bus later in the season, so I’m not sure if he’s the best Pokémon to be asking, just saying. ^^;
... Chimchar might’ve gotten a bit too caught up that Ash, Dawn and Brock had trusted them to have fun on a ship basically all by themselves in the first place. [ ] Pikachu has never been in a pokeball since Chimchar arrived.
I feel like you’re missing some sort of bridge between these two thoughts of Chimchar’s here since they feel pretty disconnected from each other at the moment.
No one else asks for permission to run around and play. Aipom had started asking Ash for permission for him, so she could ‘cut the middle man and hang out with you’.
Chimchar doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel about that. He’s not sure if he’s even allowed to feel any way about it, because wasn’t he the one waiting for Ash to see his little looks?
Well, how
does Chimchar feel about things given that you brought it up here? Though once again, I think that the parenthetical text doesn’t really need to be a parenthetical since it feels like an outgrowth of the earlier portion here.
[ ]
“That’s good,” Ash hummed, before moving to scratch at the spot right behind his ears. “You just don’t really seem to be playing with the other Pokemon much, but I didn’t think you were like Croagunk.”
[ ] Croagunk never really joins in on everyone else’s fun. No one makes him join in on anything he doesn’t want to, and Brock always asks him before he does anything.
Also, because every other appearance of Croagunk in the DP season is a
kanchō gag, so I don’t really blame everyone for not wanting him to get too involved in their fun and games.
It’s like with Pikachu, with Turtwig. It’s as if what they wanted mattered, even if they weren’t strong or good enough yet.
But this wasn’t like with Croagunk. Croagunk doesn’t join in because he doesn’t seem to want to most of the time. When everyone does their own thing and Ash doesn’t tell Chimchar to join them it never feels allowed, but also.
Also.
(He thinks he doesn’t know how to handle mattering. He doesn’t know how to handle being okay with how strong he is now because that also doesn’t feel like it’s allowed.)
“You want to be everyone’s friend, don’t you Chimchar?” Dawn asked, putting her hands on her hips. “You gotta get better at putting yourself out there! Be there with everyone and have fun!”
I’m not really feeling the parenthetical text there, especially since it feels like it undercuts the transition into Dawn’s line there. Perhaps it’d have been worth bringing up earlier in this sequence.
“Yeah!” Ash agreed, even though Chimchar doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with everyone, the role he’s meant to play anymore. “Everything thinks you’re awesome Chimchar! But we get if you’re still a little too nervous to hang out with the other Pokemon. You weren’t friends with anyone on Paul’s team, were you?”
Well. That’s not true. There was Torterra. Torterra was his friend, so that meant he had someone on Paul’s team and that sentence could just be a little less sad.
…Except he wasn’t sure if Torterra ever really viewed him as a friend at all.
IMO, the underlined works better attached to the paragraphs after Ash’s dialogue since it kinda bogs down the dialogue there.
Except He wasn’t sure if Torterra ever checked up on him because he actually enjoyed Chimchar’s company or he just pitied him and [ ]. Chimchar doesn’t want to think about it like that. He likes Torterra; Torterra was so nice to him so many times, he doesn't want to think that Torterra might have thought he was annoying the whole time.
IMO, this works better attached to the part where Chimchar is questioning whether or not Torterra was really a friend. Also, I think you’re missing some words around the bracketed area there.
“Well that’s okay!” Ash insists.
[ ] Chimchar knows Ash is pretty good at interpreting Pokemon, can understand general thoughts and ideas if Chimchar would just stop being stupid and simply say something, but Ash was smiling and he didn’t look angry so maybe it was okay?
“I had a pretty good idea to help with that!”
You probably need a bit more of indication of Ash’s reaction / mood here, since it’s kinda disembodied at the moment.
Chimchar looked at Ash, head tilted, before Ash looked over his shoulder, smiling at someone behind him. “There you two are!”
Chimchar turned around, because he just now noticed Pikachu wasn’t here anymore- and he should’ve been focusing on his surroundings and not the pure joy bubbling through him with Ash’s fingers on him- that Pikachu was behind him, gone-for maybe a little while now, and right by his side was…
Turtwig.
… If that’s meant to be Turtwig’s line there, I
think you want single instead of double quotes for the dialogue. Since you’ve been doing that for Pokémon in your chapter thus far.
Chimchar could feel his breath catch in his throat as Turtwig smiled at him, walking to stand beside Ash. Ash placed a hand on Turtwig’s shell, and began stroking it gently as he talked.
“I’ve been talking with Turtwig and I was thinking,” Turtwig wasn’t looking at Ash anymore, didn’t seem to mind the hand still touching him, just like Ash barely seemed to notice that Pikachu had hopped back onto his shoulder, like the weight was an extension of himself. “What if Turtwig took you under his wing? Foot? …You know what I mean?”
Chimchar blinked, then pointed at himself.
Chimchar: “Um… haven’t we gotten into a number of really nasty battles up to this point canonically? Are… you
sure that’s a good idea?”
“Yeah, you silly! Just until you get a little more used to being with us ya know? Someone who will always have your back and help you out when I don’t get something!”
Who is speaking this line here? Since it sure doesn’t sound like it was intended to come from one of the human characters.
And Ash grinned that smile that Chimchar had come to know him by, the smile that reached eye-to-eye, lighting up his face as his eyes squeezed shut.
“I mean, I don’t really get why you’re having such a hard time, and you kinda remind me of an old friend of mine, just a little, so I thought maybe, if you had someone you could really be friends with beside me, you’ll get used to being around the other Pokemon?”
Wait, who
is Ash referring to there? Ashtar? Or…?
“Brock noticed that you never played unless Ash told you too,” Dawn piped in, leaning a little closer to Ash. “And we wanted to fix that, and you and Turtwig know each other a bit. Right?”
Brock noticed. Brock did what Paul always told him to do, so Brock noticed, and Brock had told Ash and Dawn about it.
(But Brock isn’t even here.)
Not feeling the parenthetical text again, I’m surprised that if
that was Chimchar’s most immediate takeaway about Brock that he wouldn’t have been more ‘at arm’s length’ with regard to Brock since even if Chimchar isn’t able to really articulate it yet, he clearly doesn’t really view his time with Paul as being particularly great and presumably would be skittish about others he views as “oh, they’re probably like Paul”.
‘Hey Chimchar.’
Turtwig took a step towards him and he hadn’t stopped smiling at him, as if Chimchar was something worth smiling at. He stuck a foot out and waited, turning his head and clicking his tongue.
‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ and why can everyone here just look at him and know- they know!- how weird and broken and messed up he was, because he was supposed to be able to-to notice things too, but he’s not smart enough for that and he doesn’t know how to be! ‘I hope I didn’t upset you. I really want to be your friend.’
Chimchar stared at the invitation, then looked at Ash.
The underlined IMO works more smoothly if it’s a reaction to Turtwig’s reaction instead of it happening in the middle of it.
“I don’t want you to accept [ ] because of me Chimchar. If you want to do this, you can!”
“And no one will be mad if you’re not ready,” Dawn added, giving Ash’s head a quick tap. “I’m sure Turtwig is fine waiting for you!”
Once again, you feel like you’re missing words here, in this case from Turtwig’s dialogue.
‘I am!’ Turtwig added, nodding sharply. ‘If you don’t want to shake my foot or anything like that, it’s fine!’
Chimchar felt himself grimace as he stared at Turtwig’s foot.
…He has been avoiding Turtwig, even though he really wants to battle him and understand him more. He thinks he's been avoiding everyone on Ash's team, because their they were so weird and different and kind in a way he's not used to, in a way he thinks he'll never be used to.
This… feels like a pretty big detail about Chimchar’s behavior that should’ve been alluded to and built up to throughout the chapter earlier on.
(The first time Chimchar met Turtwig, it was during battle. An interrupted battle sure, but still a battle, which was one of the best introductions one can ever have. Paul always says you can learn a lot about a Pokemon and their trainer during battles; it was how you learned the other trainer’s style and that to battle was to understand everything that a Pokemon and their trainer were capable of.)
Waaaaaaait a minute, I could’ve sworn that you’ve had a paragraph
just like this at multiple points in this chapter. What exactly is it doing here that it didn’t in the prior two times that it came up?
They all care. He doesn't quite understand why all of them- his new team and especially Ash- care as much as they do, but even he can see it.
And Chimchar knows, as surely as he knows his own flames and as surely as he knows he doesn’t deserve Paul but wishes he could anyway, that he was better. The first time he met Ash he lost, but the second time was where he got to learn about Ash and he won.
Boy it sure if a good thing that Chimchar isn’t articulating his full thoughts to everyone at the moment, because I can already tell that would get really depressing in short order.
Turtwig was many things Chimchar didn’t understand and Paul always always said kindness is pointless and Elekid hated when he tries to be nice to him because he always thought it’s pity, but Chimchar knows one thing.
He was better.
“He” being Chimchar? Elekid? Paul? Or…?
He was so, so much better than Aipom, than Staravia, but most importantly Turtwig, even if Turtwig was special too, faster than he should ever be able to be.
Chimchar didn’t think about that when he was with Paul because it didn't matter then, but he thinks about it a lot now. Because no matter what happens he knows that he was stronger, and that thought comforts him, even though Chimchar knows it really really shouldn’t.
Oh yeah,
that sounds healthy™ as a thought process there.
Maybe that’s the real reason he was scared of turning a flame wheel onto someone who so adamantly promised to keep him safe, despite being far weaker than Chimchar ever was.
Maybe he wasn’t good or kind or anything like Dawn had described. Maybe there was nothing good inside him, when Paul saw his potential and still threw him away.
Maybe he used all his luck when he met Paul and there was no more luck left inside him now, not enough to be friends with another Pokemon, not when he never had one that wanted him before.
If he was good or lucky, he wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. They wouldn’t matter because they shouldn’t matter. If Chimchar was good, he wouldn’t be clinging deeply to that thought but he does, long after he should, long after it mattered.
I…
kinda feel that Chimchar’s thought process makes more sense for
Day 1 of his tutelage under Ash and not
Week 1. Since you’d think that by
Week 1, he’d have moved onto some flavor of “I don’t understand why they’re doing this for me since I was weak enough to bomb out from a team and surely I didn’t earn this, but they think that I matter and they’re willing to trust that I can be strong”.
He wants to get to know Turtwig more. But Chimchar understands humans more than he does other Pokemon, and even then he only really understands battles, so he doesn’t know how to be someone’s friend and he doesn’t even think he should, because friends weren’t supposed to be this mean to friends in their head.
Once again:
My guy, you have communicated
repeatedly in this chapter that your expectation of how humans normally are is like
Paul. Which is
very much not the case in PokéAni.
But Ash thinks it’s a good idea.
And Ash is good, the kind of good that only comes once in a lifetime, the kind of good that you never get again. And Chimchar doesn’t know what he did to deserve being here with everyone; but he knows more than anything that he loves Ash, loves him more than the broken pieces of his chest can hold sometimes even though it hasn’t even been a week yet.
And maybe that’s also not normal.
I would suggest rephrasing this section along the lines of the following here.
So Chimchar lifts his own hand up, almost pulls it back when Turtwig and everyone else’s smile widens, and with shaking fingers-
He grabs onto Turtwig’s foot.
Turtwig: “Oh sweet! I knew you’d come around! Now shake!” ^^
[ ]
‘I’m sorry,’ and he’s mumbling and Torterra’s always told him to not do that, to be more confident and sure of himself, but he doesn’t know how to. Not with Pokemon that should be strangers but really weren’t. ‘I don’t think- I’m not going to be a good friend. I know I won’t. I’m sorry.’
I think that you need more of a leadup to this before Chimchar speaks up, since I admittedly did not feel that his whole “fear of failing the others” really came through earlier.
All of the Pokemon on Ash's team have already tried this song and dance before. But it didn't seem to matter how many times he tried to tell Turtwig it was pointless to make small talk with him. How many times he told Staravia he didn't need to hover above Chimchar's head. How many times he told Aipom he wasn't a good friend whenever she tried to include him in whatever it was she was doing. It didn't matter to them. He did for some reason.
What do you mean ‘he just did’? As in ‘Chimchar just keeps doing this’? Since I’m a bit confused. Though I do wonder if it’d have made sense for Chimchar to articulate
why he feels this way in his thought process. Which I assume is basically a flavor of “I know that I’m weak and a failure to the point where I literally shut down on the middle of a battlefield because I was too scared last week. What on earth could I ever add to this team?”
“Why do you look so sad Chimchar?” Ash’s voice was laced with confusion and hurt and Chimchar wants that to stop because Ash doesn’t deserve to feel that way, not when he’s so good. “I thought… you want to be Turtwig’s friend, don’t you?”
Chimchar nodded, his fingers tightening around a tiny foot, because he does want to understand Turtwig more and he does want to make Ash happy.
And maybe... if he hungs around Turtwig enough, he can learn how to open his heart and be kind to someone who has only ever looked down on him.
A Pokemon reflects their trainer after all, so Chimchar needs to be better.
I would recommend changing this section along the lines here.
‘It’s alright,’ Turtwig said, his voice that small little thing it was that one time, when he seemed so worried about Chimchar even when he shouldn’t be. ‘And I think you would be a great friend. You’re so smart and you’re really nice Chimchar, and-’
‘Stop,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Please stop that.’
He’s not nice. He doesn’t know how he tricked Dawn and Turtwig and maybe everyone else that he was, but he’s not.
…
Right, Chimchar literally
attacked Turtwig during that Tag Tournament in spite of being on the same team. I kinda wonder if that should’ve been articulated more cleanly some point earlier on, especially since it’s been almost 20 years since that moment in anime at this point.
Turtwig dropped his foot and stared at Chimchar for a long moment, before he turned and nodded at Ash. ‘I’ll be the best friend he’s ever had.’
[ ] His inability, him not getting it, never understanding; that never mattered to Ash's Pokemon, just like his weakness didn't seem to matter with his new trainer.
I think that you’re missing some sort of “bridge” sentiment here along the lines of “... Why wasn’t this bothering him more?” or something like that.
“Thanks Turtwig,” Ash said, sitting down on his knees and pulling the both of them into his chest. “I know you two will be as thick as thieves someday! No need to worry right?”
Chimchar’s pretty sure that’s Dawn’s saying, because he’s heard her say that everyday he’s been here, but she doesn’t seem upset. She’s moving closer and moved to sit on the ground too, her hand finding its way onto his back as Ash hugged him and Turtwig close to his chest, curling up so their tight and secure. and Chimchar is pretty sure thinks this is what love feels like and-
Chimchar doesn’t know how to be normal. He doesn’t know how to calm his thoughts and he doesn’t know how to focus.
Yes, it’s called that you’re emotionally traumatized and clearly you have a lot to unpack still after that one post-Tag Tournament episode.
Chimchar doesn’t really understand any of them- even if Turtwig is the one he’s most interested in for reasons that are so so selfish. Maybe Ash could tell, even if he didn’t know what Chimchar’s motivations were, and maybe that’s why he asked the other Pokemon to babysit him.
… Which are…?
Maybe, someday, Turtwig will look at him and see the Pokemon who only ever used him as a stepping stone for their own ego, who only ever looked down on him in some kind of morbid curiosity.
I’m not sure if I’d have characterized things along those lines since I could’ve sworn Chimchar was depicted
hesitating turning on Turtwig in the Tag Tournament, but your story, your rules, I suppose.
Chimchar closed his eyes.
And buried his nose into the crook of Ash’s shoulder, feeling the thumping of the vein and ignoring the way Pikachu’s paw fell on his hand with a quiet whisper of ‘everything will be alright.’
Chimchar doesn’t belong here.
And maybe, someday, Ash will recognize that part of him too.
Yeah, I doubt that. Even if I kinda gather that the point of this story is showing you evolving past the rock bottom state you started out in in the show.
