The Walrein
Vicinal Dragging for the Truth
- Partners
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Violence, implied blood, implied death
Snorlax Is In Denial
A Snorlax and a Weavile rested on the slope of an alpine meadow. Flowers were beginning to bloom among the last remnants of winter snow, painting the ground with splotches of red and purple. Further downhill, beyond a narrow trail that cut through the grass, a quartet of figures could be seen. Two Pokemon traded blows as teenage humans, male and female, yelled commands at them, the sounds of battle ringing far and clear across the mountain.
“Bah! Just look at those saps,” the Snorlax said. The male trainer had just called for a vine whip from their Skiddo, only for the opposing Quilladin to counter with their own vine whip. A tug of war began as the vines wrapped around each other. Both combatants strained and pulled, bracing against the ground, until finally a thorn broke off the Quilladin’s vine, sending the vines whipping backwards as they pulled loose. Skiddo fell on their butt as their own vine slapped them in the face, while Quilladin completely toppled over, and rolled a few meters down the gentle slope of the meadow before managing to arrest their movement. “Blindly following whatever idiotic orders their trainers dish out, like little wind-up soldiers toddling off a cliff. There’s nothing more pathetic than a trained Pokemon, I tell you,” the Snorlax continued, letting out an audible scoff.
Beside him, the Weavile turned to fix him with an irritated glare. “Uh, Snorlax? You know you’re a trained Pokemon, right?”
Snorlax raised from his recumbent posture ever so slightly. “What!? Nonsense! I’d certainly have noticed if I ever got caught by some human!”
“It happened while you were asleep!” Weavile said. “Look, that human on the right over there? The one you must’ve seen hanging around you pretty much every day for the past several weeks? He’s your trainer!”
“Don’t be absurd. That human has a red chest, while the human who was around yesterday had a green chest, and the day before that, there was one with a blue chest!”
“Those are just different shirts he’s wearing, you nincompoop! Surely you’ve noticed how he smells the same each day!”
Snorlax huffed dismissively. “All humans smell the same to me.”
“What about the fact that he keeps giving you giant piles of food to eat every day? Why would he do that if he isn’t your trainer?”
“Us Snorlax have a policy of never questioning where free food comes from.”
“But don’t you-”
“Never!” Snorlax snarled with enough vehemence to make Weavile step back a foot.
“Okay, okay! But what about all the Pokemon battles your trainer keeps sending you into? How do you explain those, huh?”
“Simple. I’m naturally belligerent, so I get into fights a lot.”
“Fights where a human is constantly yelling orders at you?” Weavile said, eyes narrowing.
“Hmmph! If someone was yelling at me, I wouldn’t know. Whenever I fight, I always become hyper-fixated on my opponent and can’t perceive anything outside the battle.”
“Fine, then!” Weavile spat. “Explain this: if you’re really not a trained Pokemon, then why do you keep getting recalled and released from a pokeball?”
“That’s obvious,” Snorlax said. “Unlike you, I’ve never been in a pokeball before. I simply have a habit of falling asleep very suddenly and then sleepwalking somewhere else before I wake up. Perfectly normal for a Snorlax like me.”
“What about the time our trainer took us to that island, huh?” Weavile shot back, thrusting an accusing red-tipped claw at the large bear. “Are you going to claim you can sleep-swim now, too?”
Snorlax paused in thought for a few moments, drumming his capacious belly with his fingers. “...maybe… just below the surface of the water... there was a row of stone platforms I couldn’t see, and I sleepwalked across them all the way to the island.”
“It’s hopeless! You’re in denial!” Weavile declared, throwing up her arms.
“I think you’re just jealous that I’m a still a free Pokemon,” Snorlax said, head tilting up to look just above Weavile’s gaze with a disdainful smirk.
“You’re about as free as gold-plated tickets to the front row of a championship battle, you colossal oaf!” Weavile snapped. “If you really want to stop being a trained Pokemon, then how about you get off your pathetic butt and do something about it, huh?”
Snorlax frowned and extended an arm in Weavile’s direction. “Hrrg… ergggh!” he grunted as he strained to reach the sneering weasel, before finally letting his arm fall limp to his side. “You wouldn’t be talking so tough if you were standing about two feet closer to me...” he growled in a dark tone.
Meanwhile, the two humans had finished up their battle and recalled their respective Pokemon. As the male trainer approached the female one to shake hands, his voice suddenly dropped into a low whisper. “Psst! Don’t look, but that creepy Snorlax is following us again!”
“What ‘creepy Snorlax’?” the other trainer replied.
“The one on the hill, next to your Weavile!”
After a quick glance at the Pokemon in question, she whipped back around to face him. “James, that’s your Snorlax!” she declared, eyes opened in bafflement.
“Um, I’m pretty sure I’d have noticed if I ever caught a Snorlax, Sarah,” James replied with a roll of his eyes.
“It happened while you were sleepwalking!” Sarah insisted, then pointed to his belt. “Look, that’s his pokeball, right there!”
“Oh, you mean my Gastly’s Pokeball?” James said, frowning down at it.
“You don’t have a Gastly!”
“Sure I do! The only problem is, every time I try to release him, that creepy Snorlax who’s been stalking me lunges out of nowhere to attack him!”
“How could a Snorlax possibly keep ‘lunging out of nowhere’? They weigh like half a ton!” Sarah protested.
James pushed up his glasses and spoke in an authoritative air. “It’s simple. When winter comes, Snorlax enter hibernation so suddenly that they don’t have time to look for proper shelter. So they’ve evolved the ability to hide absolutely anywhere, no matter how little cover there is. They’re like nature’s ninjas!”
“Uh-huh. So how come you keep shouting orders at the Snorlax whenever you try to send your ‘Gastly’ out in battle?”
“No, no, you misunderstand. I’m not giving orders to the Snorlax, I’m warning the other trainer of what move I think the dangerous wild Pokemon who’s interrupted the battle is about to use next! He’s been stalking me for weeks, so I’ve grown very good at predicting his intentions by now.”
“I notice you still accept the prize money even when it was that ‘wild Pokemon’ who won the battle for you,” Sarah noted dryly.
James placed a hand on his chest. “Hey, it’s only fair that I get some reward for my efforts to keep people apprised of his actions.”
Sarah snorted. “Alright then, if he’s really not your Pokemon, then why do you keep leaving out those giant piles of food for him?”
“I leave those behind to distract him as I try to sneak away. Unfortunately, it never seems to work. I’ve also tried switching between shirts of different colors to disguise myself, but that Snorlax is like some kind of James-seeking missile!”
“You’re in denial!” Sarah declared, throwing her arms up in frustration. “You just don’t want to admit that you’re building the exact same Pokemon team your father has!”
James huffed audibly. “I think you’re just jealous of how awesome my Gastly is,” he said, crossing his arms and turning up his nose.
“No one cares about your non-existent Gastly! And I’m definitely not jealous of how much you have to pay to keep that Snorlax fed!”
“Look, I’ll prove this once and for all,” James declared. “I’ll take my Gastly’s pokeball and try to recall ‘my’ Snorlax with it, and you’ll see it doesn’t work.” He briefly turned away from Sarah to quickly rearrange the pokeballs on his belt, then pulled one off and aimed it at the Snorlax.
“Oh, please. If you think I’m gonna fall for that-”
WOOSH! In a flash of white light, a cloud of purple gas with eyes emerged from the pokeball. They blinked and then began twisting around, rapidly scanning over the area.
“Sweet Arceus, no! I hit the wrong button!” James proclaimed, eyes widening in horror. He frantically thumbed the proper control on the pokeball, but it was still in the brief recharging period after a release.
“GRAAARRR!” a Snorlax growled as it burst out of a cleverly concealed pit in the ground of the meadow. It snapped at the Gastly with a Crunch attack, dark-type energy pouring out of its gaping jaws. In response, the Gastly hastily retreated into James’ open mouth, and his eyes turned a purple shade.
“James, what’s happening!” Sarah shouted as she scrambled away from the slavering wild Snorlax.
“Gastly possessed me! Now the Snorlax is going after- AHHHH!” James yelled as the Snorlax slapped him in the face with a massive paw, knocking him to the ground. “Sarah, do something!” he screamed as he narrowly rolled away from a Snorlax body slam, fueled by Gastly-enhanced reflexes.
“Uh- Weavile, attack the Snorlax! This one!” she called to her Pokemon.
Across the trail, the Weavile and Snorlax stopped their argument and turned to behold the scene before them in astonishment. “How- where’d they even come from!” Weavile cried.
“Oh, it looks like your trainer just gave you an order!” Snorlax said smugly. “Guess you have to obey like a good little trained Pokemon!”
“No!” Weavile hissed. “You’re helping me take out that feral Snorlax! You owe that guy for all the free food he’s given you!”
“Hmm...” Snorlax slowly considered the proposition, drumming his stomach. Meanwhile, James was dashing around the meadow, narrowly dodging attack after attack from the rogue Snorlax.
“Bite! Hammer Arm! Tackle!” James yelled, calling out each move right before the Snorlax started to use it.
“...alright, fine, I confess. I’ve been following that human around and eating all the free food he’s been leaving. But I am not his Pokemon, you understand?” Snorlax growled.
“Okay, you were right! You’re not a trained Pokemon! Now will you help me out before that guy gets turned into human paste?” Weavile pleaded.
“Very well, then. Fire a barrage of icicle shards over the feral’s head,” Snorlax commanded.
“Over his head? How will that help?”
“Just do it!”
Lacking better options, Weavile inhaled, then spat out a line of jagged icicle fragments, aiming above the wild Snorlax. Immediately, Snorlax used rest and fell asleep, then jumped into the air. His feet landed on top of the first icicle shard, which he then pushed off of to leap to the next one; instinctively sleep-moving with ninja-esque skill, like a dozing Snorlax did whenever they need to sleepwalk across a chain of tiny underwater rocks to get to an island.
Soon, Snorlax had moved to a position high in the air above the wild Snorlax, whereupon he promptly woke up. His fist glowed with the power of a giga impact move, and he plummeted down and punched the feral directly in the head, the unexpected avenue of attack taking it completely off guard. It wobbled, then fell over, fainted.
“Holy Trubbish poop, that actually worked!” Weavile proclaimed in amazement.
“Great job, Weavile, doing uh… that?” Sarah said, equally astonished.
James began coughing, and the Gastly emerged from his body. The gaseous Pokemon began a happy twirling dance through the air, finally free of the threat of feral Snorlax attack. Their trainer turned to his sudden savior. “Wow, thanks random Snorlax who definitely isn’t my Pokemon!”
“You’re welcome, random human who definitely isn’t my trainer,” Snorlax replied, nodding coolly.
Weavile walked over to the group and sighed. “Snorlax, I’m sorry I doubted you. To be honest, all Snorlax smell the same to me, so I guess I got you confused with that feral one.”
Snorlax glared down at her, then gave a small grin. “Hmmph. Apology accepted.”
Sarah rubbed her forehead, and turned to James. “James, I guess I also need to- wait, no I don’t! This whole situation was absolutely ridiculous, and I was totally in my rights to disbelieve you!”
“Fair enough, I guess. We can’t all be experts on the hidden truths of Snorlax behavior,” James said. “Now, what are we going to do about this feral Snorlax?”
A newcomer suddenly jogged up the meadow trail, an older man with features closely resembling James. He pulled out a pokeball. “James, unlike you, I am trying to assemble the exact same Pokemon team your father has, so I’m going to capture this Snorlax!” he declared, and threw the ball. It sucked up the feral Snorlax and immediately clicked shut.
“Oh, hey Dad!” James said. “Come to check out my awesome Gastly?”
“H- hold on a second!” Sarah declared. “Pokeballs don’t work on fainted Pokemon! How’d you do that?”
“Nah, everyone knows that pokeballs only don’t work on dead Pokemon,” James’ dad replied.
“But – but that can’t be right! My pokeballs have failed to work on fainted Pokemon several times before!” Sarah said, and chuckled nervously.
“Y- yeah! That’s right! This stuff on my claws I noticed after that fight with Starly earlier is just razz berry jam from breakfast!” Weavile said, staring down at her sticky red paws with wide eyes. “I- I’m not a killer!”
“That feral Snorlax – it must not have really been fainted!” Sarah pleaded, grabbing James’ shoulders. “It must have been just barely conscious! You have to believe me!”
Snorlax, James, and James’ father all shared a knowing look. “Uh-oh! Sounds like someone’s in denial!” James said, and the three burst out into hearty, friendly laughter. Gastly joined in on the chortling, then swooped down to Weavile’s ear.
“Now that the Snorlax is gone, nothing can stop me from taking my revenge!” they whispered, then flew back over to James and resumed laughing.
THE END