Pokémon Seiren

[GrayGriffin]

Alright, I'm going to write a brief review of my impressions from the Prologue and Chapter 1.

So first of all, I don't really get a "dark comedy" vibe from these opening sections. There's a few semi-comedic parts like the bit where Red is trying to figure out how to look happy but not too happy, the line about "political correctness" that Red doesn't get, and the bit with Helix being entranced by the pop star. However, they don't really add up to the comedy genre, at least for me. In fact, the prologue reads as quite tragic and touching to me. Perhaps it's just because I have experience with losing pets, and a soft spot for the idea that some of them might come back in some way.

It feels a bit like the story is leaning on the existing knowledge of TPP to get a comedic vibe, sort of in a "look at these characters you know running around having normal human-type lives, isn't that funny to think about" sense. However, I was never really into TPP, and the comedy stuff I've read based on it is usually much more exaggerated and over-the-top, which might also be why I don't really read this as a comedy. Especially the last bit with Red visiting the Helix Fossil just feels like a full dark drama, not comedic at all. I am somewhat interested in reading more to see what happens, but the story hasn't really hooked me deeply. I mentioned that I found the opening prologue touching, but knowing that the story genre is probably going to move away from that makes it less inclined to attract me.

Ignoring my comments about the genre, though, I do think you've built up an interesting setting here. I admit it confused me a bit that apparently Helix is the only one going to school and Red isn't, but it does make sense since he does appear to live alone now and thus is presumably graduated, and Helix is apparently a newborn of some sort. I also like the various casual mentions of Pokemon wearing clothes and generally living alongside humans, as well as what unique prejudices they might face. I admit I'd like to see a tiny bit more about Red finding the "new" Helix to get a better sense of how much of this is true reincarnation and how much is his own delusions. At first when it was just him, Helix, and Fonz I was actually wondering if he was actually talking to the Pokemon or just making it up in his own head.

Still, I do think there's the start of an interesting story here. I'm just not sure it fits my own particular tastes for villain protagonists/dark comedy.

 

[canisaries]

@GrayGriffin Thanks for the review!

The prologue I can definitely confirm is not meant to be comedic, so no surprises there - it's meant to establish the strong attachment Red has with Helix, which is really the driving force of the plot. The first chapter, though, is written with the same tone as the rest of the story. It has drama (that's why it's listed as the primary genre), but the comedy to me is inherent from the synopsis. The protagonist is so incredibly petty and clingy that he's upset by his friend ignoring him for a few minutes to groove along to some pop star, and it takes on another level when he seeks to destroy the pop star's career to make his friend pay attention to him again. It is pretty tragic if thought of realistically, but without tragedy, there is no dark comedy, either.

TPP is actually not important to the vibe here at all. The characters in TPP are mostly blank slates, and while there is some humor to be found in my characterizations (Jess being the ace and hailed as a savior gave him an inflated ego, which made him become a youtuber), nearly everything intended to be comedic is independent of TPP.

The living situation of Red and Helix is explored a bit more as the story advances. I forget how much exactly the prologue and first chapter establishes, but I can say that Red is a high school dropout who lives with his stepbrother Abe (not even sure if he comes up in the story since he isn't relevant to the plot) and his past journey companions Fonz and Helix. They're provided for by Red's mother and Abe's father, who don't show up in this story, and by Fonz with his occasional short-term jobs.

Sorry the hear the story didn't capture you, but thank you for taking the time to read and review.

 

[TheCouchEffect]

Hello! I've finished reading the story and I want to start off by saying that I love it! First thing I want to say: the cover image you have for this perfectly symbolizes this story and really just Red in general. I love it.

As someone who had read HnH first, coming back to see what happened in the past with Red is very interesting! Seeing how he hasn't completely gone over the edge here was interesting to see, even if he is still a horrible person here. Your writing is also really good since it flowed well, contained very little spelling or grammer issues, and was able to keep up the same tone throughout most of the fic.

Red in this story is very entertaining. He has the same dark humor and nihilistic tendencies that he des in HnH, but seems more... accepting? Sane? I'm struggling to find the right word to describe him, but he just seems noticably different. Maybe it's the scenes we see of him in the beginning when he's struggling with the loss of Helix and the idea that he may have been forgotten. We also get a bit more explanation of what he went through and how hard his own life is. In a modern world where technology is everywhere, seeing Red struggle with something as basic as a phone or a computer because of what he suffered with Twitch helped humanize him, even as he committed some terrible actions. The same goes with his torment in high school after the infamous Twitch had finished its run with him.... namely that kids can be terrible and would torment him with their phones/mock him for what he went through. You also showing that Red was a monster back then as well with his torment of Tamaki was also really good since it showed that for all that Red hated his own tormentors - for whatever justifications he made - he was arguably the worst tormentor of them all for what he did.

His fascination with all things cephalopod is also very amusing and something I hadn't expected. Him talking the tongues of his victims in jars, though? That was entirely expected. His arrogance and sense of superiority to everyone is also entertaining to read, in a dark kind of way.

As an aside, I'm now curious at what point Red stopped seeing Omanyte as his god and instead as something lesser as he does in HnH. A sign from Helix or his mind being unable to handle the idea that he's no longer as close to Omanyte as he used to be?

Now for Shirlee, you do a really good job with writing her. Even from Red's more cynical POV, her good - if spoiled and bratty - nature comes through in her scenes. A shame she had to catch the attention of Red's Lord. Though compared to the... numerous other people who he's set his sights on, I'd say she actually came out the other end really well. A part of me is curious if she will make a return in HnH at some point as a future threat to Red or a simple passing mention.

It was also interesting to see the world developed a bit more. We learn a bit more about the world, the difference between Wild and Civil Pokemon, and that the Pokemon League is actually the equivalent of NASCAR when it comes to being a dying sport instead of say the cultural phenomenon.

Seeing Fonz and Jess was also really nice. They helped humanize Red more since their genuine concern for him and his mental health was nice to see. They were also able to bring a breath of levity to most of the scenes they were in. Jess in particular was fun to see interact with the others.

Now for the story itself. Overall it was really good and entertaining from start to finish. The fact that Red's crusade to destroy someone purely because of Omanyte's interest in them is intruiging and it makes me wonder what would have happened if Omanyte had been more focused on say... a cartoon to the same level he was with Shirlee. Would Red have gone to war with the writers, animators, and network to try and destroy them? Probably not, but the thought amuses me at what he would do. Red's justification for a change in his usual methods of... well murder also make sense. Not only would he have been found out almost immediately, but chances are he wouldn't even be arrested. Not if that Beartic's promise to Red at the end is anything to go by.

Though as far as potential 'problems' go - I use that term very loosely - with the story, I did have to admit to feeling some disbelief about how easy it was for Red to establish a connection with Shirlee. With the amount of fan mail she is alluded to receive, even if only 1% physically wrote mail then chances are she'd have hundreds of letters to read through. Then there's her bodyguard Beartic who after seeing how protective he was of Shirlee in both his first and last meeting with Red, hadn't been around to stop her when she initially went to see Red or at least be around to protect her.

Finally there's Red's plan to destroy her at the end by making her evolve. I'm left to wonder what Red would have done if Omanyte hadn't lost interest in Shirlee. Or worse(for Red, anyway), fallen deeper into his admiration of her once she evolved. I can only imagine Red having to find somewhere to go scream and bang his head against a wall.

Overall, this story was a joy to read and I'm glad to see that I got the chance to read it.

 

[K_S]

You know I was sort of hoping that Red would have gotten caught at some point and was curious as to how that would have panned out. Poor Shirlee, it may not have been murdered like his other seven "tounges" as it were... but he's done damage to her life by being... well to quote her boss, an utter psychopath. Though why she couldn't have halted her own evolution was something that had me baffled...

I found the 'mon human dynamic fascinating throughout the story and I wished that'd been the focus, or more of a focus, on this fic. Granted that'd of tangled the tone and angle you were playing with, but it's a fascinating point that kept me wondering throughout the tale.

It's an interesting story where the backdrop is as interesting as the characters in the foreground...

I gather the streaming was the catalyst for Red's insanity? Though why/how the helix fossil and omanyte was such a turning point, a stability point for Red to latch onto was something I was curious about... I'm also guessing this had something to do with the Twitch thing... but as know next to nothing beyond the "I started a cult" meme it was a bit of a muddy point that I felt I should know but kept walking over...

Also, this tale seems a prequel to haunter haunted. and while it cleared up a few questions I had in the later piece (were the runes actually working or a part of Red's psychosis? More on his Team's dynamics and the like) there were a few other questions I walked away with. What was the turning point of his feeling towards HIM from this tale and hunter haunted? Did I miss a story in the series that talks about it?

Also, as Jess was a favorite of mine from Red's team, did something happen between this tale and Hunter, because I haven't seen him since... (granted I think I'm halfway through Hunter so I might have just not gotten to him coming back) And this again ties back to my curiosity about how 'mon human relations work. I mean it seems like you pick up a few 'mon for your team, but they're clearly their own persons, so the ethics seem a bit dodgy, especially for gathering them up and throwing them into fights. And how can that work if their sentience parallels a human in the form of their age=development... I mean HE is going to elementary school by the sounds of it, Fonz sounds young adult to mid-aged and Jess clearly gives the working adult vibes even if he has delusions of internet stardom... and how that meshes with the more primal scrape and the cycle of the gym system... It feels like there's a whole untapped tale there that I'm missing.

Anyway, I enjoyed this story from start to finish, though for different reasons than the other readers I gather (I was more neutral towards Red and his rants/inner speech than the rest of the crew) thank you for sharing.

 

[canisaries]

Thank you both for the reviews! Sorry for the late replies, life's been hectic.

As an aside, I'm now curious at what point Red stopped seeing Omanyte as his god and instead as something lesser as he does in HnH. A sign from Helix or his mind being unable to handle the idea that he's no longer as close to Omanyte as he used to be?

Right, I should probably add that in the author's notes here as well instead of just in Hunter, Haunted: there is a story that bridges these two together called Metanoia, and it precisely answers why Red views Helix so differently here than in HH. I know it's awkward to leave something so important outside both stories, but I couldn't really comfortably put it at the end of Seiren or the start of HH, so this is my compromise.

Now for the story itself. Overall it was really good and entertaining from start to finish. The fact that Red's crusade to destroy someone purely because of Omanyte's interest in them is intruiging and it makes me wonder what would have happened if Omanyte had been more focused on say... a cartoon to the same level he was with Shirlee. Would Red have gone to war with the writers, animators, and network to try and destroy them? Probably not, but the thought amuses me at what he would do.

That's honestly a freaking hilarious idea. seiren 2: to kill a waifu

Though as far as potential 'problems' go - I use that term very loosely - with the story, I did have to admit to feeling some disbelief about how easy it was for Red to establish a connection with Shirlee. With the amount of fan mail she is alluded to receive, even if only 1% physically wrote mail then chances are she'd have hundreds of letters to read through.

This is definitely a plot hole, but it kind of has to exist so that Red and Shirlee start to interact in the first place, so I view it as a necessary evil.

Overall, this story was a joy to read and I'm glad to see that I got the chance to read it.

<3 Thank you! Your review was a joy to read, too.

Though why she couldn't have halted her own evolution was something that had me baffled...

In this universe, or at least for this species, stopping one's evolution isn't possible once it's underway.

I gather the streaming was the catalyst for Red's insanity? Though why/how the helix fossil and omanyte was such a turning point, a stability point for Red to latch onto was something I was curious about... I'm also guessing this had something to do with the Twitch thing... but as know next to nothing beyond the "I started a cult" meme it was a bit of a muddy point that I felt I should know but kept walking over...

This is a product of the Twitch Plays Pokémon origins, yes, but in my eyes just the implication is enough explanation in the context of this story. I'd kind of have to bring the story to a halt if I wanted to fully explain the background. I like keeping things a bit mysterious, too.

Also, this tale seems a prequel to haunter haunted. and while it cleared up a few questions I had in the later piece (were the runes actually working or a part of Red's psychosis? More on his Team's dynamics and the like) there were a few other questions I walked away with. What was the turning point of his feeling towards HIM from this tale and hunter haunted? Did I miss a story in the series that talks about it?

As mentioned in my above replies to the other reviewer, yes - you'd be thinking of Metanoia. Although I feel like I should clarify that the omanyte Helix and the being referred to as HIM are separate entities. The omanyte is instead referred to as "Him".

Also, as Jess was a favorite of mine from Red's team, did something happen between this tale and Hunter, because I haven't seen him since... (granted I think I'm halfway through Hunter so I might have just not gotten to him coming back)

Jess was on a temporary visit in the first place, so nothing in particular happened to him. He just left once his visit was over.

And how can that work if their sentience parallels a human in the form of their age=development...

If I understood you right, that's not exactly how it goes. Whether mon become intelligent or not is determined by a certain period of time in their development and how much intellectual stimulation they receive during this time, but in humans, the brains mature into intelligence regardless. They might not develop to be as intelligent if someone's raised by wolves than if someone's raised by humans, but the difference between a feral and an intelligent mon is far greater than that between a feral and regularly raised human - it's the difference between a common animal and a being with human-level intellect.

Anyway, I enjoyed this story from start to finish, though for different reasons than the other readers I gather (I was more neutral towards Red and his rants/inner speech than the rest of the crew) thank you for sharing.

Thank you! And thank you for the review.

 

[kintsugi]

[it's been 3000 years meme]

(shitposts aside, I'm sorry that I dropped this story but I'm glad I picked it back up again! It's quite enjoyable and I found myself slipping back/rereading where I left off in chapter 5 and then ending up at the end pretty quickly; everything flows together and it's structured in a way that makes it enjoyable to read. I use "sorry" more to convey that there wasn't any technical/writing reason that I put the story down in the first place; I know sometimes there's a lingering doubt of like "oh shit I had someone who was reading and they left??? why??? and the answer is I vacillate between having the attention span of a goldfish and hyperfocus with no reasonable explanation)

“Y-yeah, I’m fine, I’m just… slowly realizing what's happening,” I respond. “I mean, I just had dinner with the Shirlee, and now I’m getting a phone from her. You.”

Going back and forth from Bouquatro and this has been such a trip. We can lie again! And terrible things happen as a result!

But then again, celebrities are used to pretending. They know how to fake composure. I'm sure that's what's going on here. She's only acting brave. Inside, she knows her career is done. She knows she'll never have her cute little former body again. She's a deep sea terror now. It's up to her to embrace it, and I know she likely won't. Too attached to this civilization's notions of beauty.

I like how you end up weaving together the themes here, alongside Red's projection and general inability to model anyone else's behavior other than his own. Of course Helix would hyperfixate on Shirlee and let her consume His life; of course Shirlee would be a liar who hates her new body and acts brave even though she'd much rather pay someone to get punched every Monday. Everyone's a liar and no one feels any genuine emotions ever, except when they do and it clouds their minds because they're lame shitty sheep--I think you do a good job of portraying a younger Red's mindset here, with a lot of projection and self-justification. And his fixation that everyone is so focused on how the world sees them, too constrained by civilization's notions of beauty, works really well against Red's general inability to see the world the same way anyone else seems to. He can rant a lot about the shittiness of beauty and how stupid people are for caring what other people think, but this entire fic would've been solved if he'd been able to conceptualize the reasoning behind Helix's initial fascination with Shirlee.

In general I don't often like reading about asshole characters because 1) I'm usually quite bad at differentiating when a story is intentionally using an asshole character and 2) I'm usually quite off-put by their actions in general. I don't really expect to like or enjoy reading about a guy hanging a woman upside down in his basement and slapping her around, because in general those kinds of topics skeeve me out a little, but I think you do a really good job of portraying Red here in a way that made him exciting to be around, even if I don't necessarily like him. The narrative makes it clear that he might think he's hot shit but he has flaws that he ends up punished for. And while I still end this story with the universally brave/controversial take of "hanging women upside down in your basement and slapping them is bad", I understand how Red reached this decision, and I follow the internal logic that got him to this point. I think in general it's hard to get people to be interested in asshole/antisocial characters since you can't really rely on the classic tricks of just showing moments of vulnerability/traits that readers might admire or empathize with, so I'm impressed with how you were able to land Red's narration in a way that doesn't rely on us liking him. It's a difficult line to walk and I think you pulled it off really well here. I liked in particular how you blinker/tunnel vision him on certain concepts and ideas, how he actively thinks about how great his plan is and how fucking smart he is compared to everyone else; it's a good setup to the resolution that he hasn't been thinking about Helix. And I like how Helix sort of slips out of the plot, to the point that Red's actively trying to transform Shirlee/Helix into one another so he can better convince himself to lie; it's a good way to show how he's so hyperfocused on the point that he completely misses the point.

I think Tamaki came and left a little bit out of nowhere. A lot of the other bits build really delicately, but Tamaki sorta happens into the plot. For me the weirdness mostly came from it being the only consequence that we didn't really get to see Red directly cause--I get that "Tamaki intensely hating Red" is mostly caused by Red mercilessly bullying him, but "Tamaki happening to show up at the schoolyard at the same time to ruin Red's plan" isn't really (unless there was an obvious reason for Tamaki to be there that Red/I overlooked that Red could've known if he'd thought about Tamaki for more than ten seconds). And him leaving the plot felt a little abrupt, in the sense that I thought he'd show up later. Red tried to choke the ninetales; feels pretty severe in a world where pokemon seem (?) to have similar legal status to humans. Especially since Tamaki doesn't really have any tangible reasons to give Red the benefit of the doubt here instead of just calling the cops and pressing charges.

I really liked the central conflict of this culminating with evolution. It's a fascinating concept in a world where pokemon are people, since humans physically change gradually and pokemon seem to evolve all at once, and I like how you bring that into a story that's mostly about Red's inability to accept change ("this was a Pixar movie? always has been" meme). But in general I liked the themes of Red's aversion to new things being fueled by his past--the screens/PC's, Tamaki, Helix's brief obsession distracting Him from Red--and how that becomes the major/minor sources of conflict in this story. It's an interesting structure in the sense that there's not really a lesson that Red learns here, and that most of the side characters also have relatively stationary character arcs, but it still feels like there's a throughline/sense of story here. Red gets what he wants, but he loses, because he can't change. Things go back to more or less how they were, and he's not any happier for it; the closing threat is just the idea that Red can't keep hiding forever and one day people will realize what he's done/who he is, and he'll have to face those consequences.

It's satisfying in a way that I didn't really expect a prequel like this to be--I remember reading a review response earlier in the thread about how you weren't really too flexible in changing the status quo because this is relatively close to HH timelinewise and there's only so much that can be yeeted/thrown around before that story starts, but I think you were still successful in telling an interesting arc here. I did remember thinking that some of the stuff like the mindwipe sigils were a little odd structurally, since they do end up stripping Red's actions of consequence by the end, but I see why you did it that way.

Shirlee as a foil to Red works really well here. She's naive/normal enough to be horrified by things that Red would treat as completely permissible average afternoon behaviors (rip catto), but she's also smart enough to pick up on some of the inconsistency in Grade A Liar, Absolutely Flawless Mastermind Red Akai's plan. I see a lot of similarities between them, in that they're both kind of distant from society and are a little tired of the way it's come to view them/expects them to behave; they're both ready to lash out and fuck shit up once they ascend to being demonic undersea apex tentacle predators. Which works on two levels, since it justifies why Shirlee's so interested in keeping Red around, and it helps their character dynamic feel a little more balanced rather than them being completely different people.

Because Shirlee's main strength/weakness, along the trait that makes her most different from Red, at least as far as I saw it, is that she cares about people. In the early chapters she treats Red with kindness, but it's kind of more than that--she's able to isolate the parts that are making him uncomfortable and walk him through it (like the phone unlock/dark mode stuff). And I think "kindness" makes for a really good trait in a fic that's kind of glorified cat/mouse; we get to watch Shirlee slip up in real time and keep offering more and more boons to this guy who we know is totally gonna screw her over as soon as he can figure out how, and it builds the tension in a really unique way. The premise of this is really solid since it's not a problem Red can solve through his traditional method of murder; he's gotta draw her in like a regular person and then murder her, so he's a bit out of his element. And it's a gradual build again; the first things Shirlee asks him to care about are inconsequential shit ("don't you know about Oddish Boy"?) but it escalates into her opening up with her vulnerabilities about how she sees herself + her trying to help Red through his own confusion about Helix. And sure, it might also be that she's just vapid and wants the clout of being seen in this fancy restaurant, or she's done the math and realized that trying to deescalate the guy who's trying to murder/force evolve her is slim but better than nothing--we never know, since we don't see her POV and Red's a little biased, but it almost doesn't matter.

She doesn't dare to move. She simply floats in place, bringing that steady hum to my fading wounds, until she says just three quiet words.

"You never changed."

Because ultimately she might care, but she doesn't really get Red--either he lied well enough to her or himself that it didn't matter. I liked this as a closer, partially because it's just a solid line, but also because it seems to bounce straight off of Red (or maybe I'm reading that incorrectly; unsure). But in general, armor-piercing insults like that only land if someone actually cares about what you have to say.

(And also, fair, it's hard to get Red since a) he lies a lot and b) his backstory is probably not anyone's first guess, but on a story structure level I thought this worked really well.)

I thought the epilogue was well-placed--the ending scene of chapter 12 didn't quite feel satisfying to me in a way that I thought a final chapter should, so I was glad when it turned out that there was more space to wrap those loose ends up a little.

All in all I thought this was a great read. You juggle a lot of disparate parts in a really elegant way; there's a wide range of character types/emotions that make this cast super interesting; there's a wide range of comedy/dark humor and just straight up darkness that bounces the plot around really well. It's certainly not like stories I often read, but I think it works on a deeper level than just "my expectations were subverted" or "it's unique"--this is just a really well-structured story in general that's unafraid to be itself, and I think that really works. Belated congrats on finishing, and thanks for having this all posted; I don't think I would've been able to live with some of the cliffhangers lol.

a bajillion line thoughts that are mostly 'wow' or 'oh shit'

Spoiler: a bajillion line thoughts that are mostly WOW or OH SHIT

Shirley Tanner

There's a few times in this chapter where she's Shirley instead of Shirlee--wasn't sure if that was for like, easier spelling at the restaurant reservation or something, or just a regular typo.

“The same as your last phone, probably.” She pauses. “Or… when did you last have a phone?”

I like that Shirlee thinks of the logical explanation here, but she's kind about it and is trying to explain it to him. She's got a bunch of weird social cues from being a celebrity but she's exceptionally kind to Red.

“Oh, like a dark theme?”

of course he would the lil edgelord

They come over either rarely or never, and I doubt Shirlee would like me implying I own them. Even if they weren't free mon.

Are they not free mon? Apologies if this was something that got brought up in one of the earlier chapters that I forgot.

“Oh, it's a shame I can't meet Him,” Shirlee sighs. “It'd surely make His day, but I just really need to keep my private life secret.”

I liked the inclusion of Red mentally capitalizing Shirlee's dialogue on her behalf.

Except maybe Tamaki, who I guess was okay because he let me pay him to beat him up, but outside of that he was of no use to anyone.

I snorted at this line when I was reading it the first time, which is great, because Tamaki isn't important at all to the plot!

Why wouldn't one just rather refuse to take that path and remain a blissfully unaware animal? All you need is to isolate yourself and wait out that crucial learning period, then no one can sway you after that…

This as a concept is kind of horrifying, especially with the later reveal that pokeballs can more or less be subverted in a way that allows them to freely traffic pokemon, and that infants are too young to escape more advanced balls like Ultra Balls (and also that catching "pesky" wild pokemon is a common tactic that higher-tiered trainers are employed to do).

(And at the same time, I really get it--there needs to be a way to differentiate pokemon that are permissible to beat up and pokemon that aren't, and it's not like Red's really here for a moral deep dive into anything.)

I could end her life in just a blink of an eye, but I can't. She's protected by law and her presence in the public conscious.

I didn't quite follow why he lists her being protected by the law here? Since most of his victims seem to be.

“Oh, that looks real. You sure it isn't?”

“Says ‘Made in Hoenn’ on the back.”

cheap imports smh

Laughter bursts out from the door. More figures pour in, each more disturbing than the last. Bodies comprised of human and inkay parts meshed together blindly. Toddlers with tentacle limbs scooting across the floor. Floating squids with human arms and baby faces. They all scream and squeal and creak among other inhuman noises. They run at me. No, stay away, don’t touch me --

This reminds me uncomfortably of that random Shrek movie where Shrek is afraid of having a lot of kids and has this dream, plus some ogres and minus some tentacles lol.

With a flash and a puff, she’s gone. I didn’t know she could teleport.

I loved this logic here; it feels very dreamlike without getting bogged down in the need to hammer down the ethereal quality of anything. Of course she can teleport; that's a logical explanation; okay, moving on.

"Son?" I shout. Then, more quietly, I add, "Husband?" I wouldn't have guessed.

A tall bearded man of amber skin and a face all too familiar walks to Arktos' side. "Is there trouble, my beloved?"

"Kohath?"

lmao

"Because," Kohath snarls, startling me to silence. He raises a hand to stroke the neck of the beartic. "He is a predator worthy of my blessing," he continues. "Strong, fearsome… and unlike you, the size of his phallus does not arouse pity in the beholder."

LMAO

also the brick joke of Red looking for bear dick in the epilogue makes this age so well

(12:37) i saw this little kitten

Well that doesn’t sound too -- oh, wait.

oh SHIT

The coin resting atop my chest gets a little heavier. Note to self, do not wear this around Shirlee. Though she probably wouldn’t like the practice of using mon parts as decoration regardless of their authenticity.

is this ... is this the faintest glimmer of empathy?

Would a civil kitten be wandering in the big city all by itsel-

I pause, then backspace with a groan.

-themselves? Without any clothes on a cold winter, and in some alleyway? Send.

(12:39) how did you know it was in an alleyway?

OH SHIT PART TWO

I like how you grow the tension here; it's easy to follow Red in getting in over his head and then having to double take when Shirlee calls him out on it.

"Obviously not," I mutter, but I am surprised I didn't notice. A little upset, too, considering how I'm supposed to be an apex predator and all that. I guess the TV must have masked the noise or something.

yeah bud, it was definitely that

"I'm just looking out for you, dude!" he says. "Tech beginners like you are easy prey for scammers. And this looks fishy!" He climbs atop the couch and points to the screen. "You don't actually think this is the real Shirlee, do you?"

oh my god no he's trying so hard i feel so bad lol

He lifts up his claws all of a sudden. “Whoa, whoa, hold on. What kind of pictures do you want to delete?”

It takes a bit of staring from me before I infer his intent. “They’re not of my penis, Fonz.”

oh my god noooooo

"Oh." Right. "Is there a way to have it calibrated for both you and me?"

i'm sure this won't be an issue later, is what I thought when I read this line, and lol

"Yeah, thanks. It shouldn't be a problem." It needs a button click and a code input to open, anyway.

"it needs a button click" the criminal mastermind

(I did like how you portray his arrogance here--no one could possibly figure out the button press; it was so hard for me. The passcode 12345 is also impenetrable. And the person who gave it to me, who I am actively trying to lie and deceive, would never remember this detail. I also love that he doesn't consider that passcodes could actually be changed since like, actual locks can't lolol)

Yes, this plan just might work. The gears are turning again. I knew I’d come up with something brilliant sooner or later. I am HIS chosen one, after all.

his brain is ENORMOUS

I did pay a pretty penny for it - I’ll find some way to rephrase that - and a high schooler’s money is limited.

I did a double take on this line

“Haha, that was funny what he said, that you were my boyfriend...” she mumbles, then clears her throat, turning to me. “So, what’s our first sight to see?”

haha ... silly ... unless ...

“I’ll tell you when we're there. Come on.”

---​

Two days after the night at her hotel, Shirlee told me she could meet me again the next day and that this time she wanted to see my hometown. I started preparing almost immediately.

I thought the structuring of this was a little weird, and the recap/how Red finds all the maps section could come at the beginning of this chapter rather than the middle

The sentret digs a phone out of its saddlebag and shuffles next to Shirlee. “Uhh...” The mon tries holding the phone out in front of the two, but its arms prove too stubby.

sentret selfie stick industry erupts overnight

“Thanks, this is awesome!” the sentret beams as I return the phone. “You’re gonna make my sister so happy, too! A-and she really needs that, she’s been so nervous lately because she’s gonna evolve soon...”

Shirlee’s smile changes. Hm? I know what that is. That’s a fake smile.

I liked the setup for Red not quite putting this together, although it does feel a hair forced that the sentret just happens to show up out of nowhere

“Well, that explains it,” she sighs, looking back down. Her face wrinkles in disgust. “Malamar are these… tubby, ugly, slimy, evil-looking garbage bags of… grossness. Nothing like inkay - inkay are small and cute and have happy colors and beautiful voices.”

I thought this was a really unique conflict to introduce for a character, and one that uses the worldbuilding/canon really well--some pokemon species might be horrified to evolve, and it is kind of fascinating that it's such a big change that happens pretty much instantly.

The sleeves of her coat wrap around her. “Only inkay have any kind of chance at being liked by the public, too. I hate that I'm kind of contributing to that prejudice like this - malamar should be able to live like anyone else, and their appearance doesn't make them any worse as people. I just personally… really don't want to become one."

I thought this was a really real, but sad, sentiment as well--someone should do something, but I don't want it to be me. And I really do get that. It isn't your job to fix every problem. I like how we get deeper into Shirlee's psyche as the story progresses and she ends up being more and more vulnerable to Red; it makes the inevitable conflict/betrayal between them feel a lot shittier since it's clear that she's confiding in him when she normally doesn't (while we know that she shouldn't). I also liked the use of evolution as a conflict in light of the closing themes that Red isn't able to accept change, that he's just pretending to be something he's not instead of growing in a meaningful way.

I study the dejected inkay. Her big eyes and blue body are somewhat similar to His. Okay. So, underneath that coat is my lord, and He’s going to a necessary surgery. Also, He’s momentarily a female inkay and named Shirlee. Uhh, right. Here we go.

I thought this was a really clever scene in general.

And by trip I mean actual tripping, because this is going to be about as fun as concrete smashing me in the face.

lmao that this is his first thought about "tripping"

“Let’s go,” Renny says to Tamaki, faint smoke carried on its breath. “You can’t reason with him.”

Tamaki nods, and the two walk off. A conversation starts once they’re further, but I only catch the beginning. “Did he really say he was gay?”

LOL

I sit on the bench next to the main entrance, at the end without the piece of gum attached to the side. It amazes me how people can call themselves moral and then do shit like this. Maybe I kill people, but I don't ruin a public space just because I can't be fucked to walk ten meters to a trash can. That's the real insanity there.

yeah god those criminals red is the real victim here my god

Tamaki's changed a lot, though. He's dyed his hair and grown some balls. I wonder what caused that. Just dwelling on what I did for months after I'd left? Maybe he got together with that girl he was trying to impress. He did get a lot of money from me to buy her stuff.

I like how Red's first reaction here is that he somehow caused this change in Tamaki.

Tamaki steps closer to me again. “Can I talk with you in a more private spot for a bit?”

Red falls for this loooool

It does make me wonder, though, if Red was actually hoping this worked for more than just selfish/Shirlee reasons. Idk.

Don’t go far now, people! Red’s on his way!

Something about how this line is phrased is just so amazing. It feels so earnest even though I know it's not and I think it's hilarious.

“He was looking after his reputation?”

“Guess so.”

who would EVER

I stare at my feet. "I don't know. Jess is online all the time, and my lord…"

"I don't necessarily mean just the PCs," Fonz says. "The whole journey. The whole… stress. Sure, I got out of the Safari and into the human world proper, and Jess got that fame and money he wanted, and Air caught the eye of the sports world… and Helix was born and got you." He nudges me with a claw, smiling, but his smile then melts away. "Anyway, while we got a lot of good out of it, we too felt the effects. That threat of erasure from the machine malfunction… I still get the shivers every time I see a storage PC."

Red considers that the friends who were at risk of being erased from existence might also have nervousness when they're reminded of the machine that might've wiped them from existence

(I admit I don't fully understand the lore here--can PC's normally erase pokemon or was this part of the Twitch glitchiness? What even is the benefit/legal justification for storing pokemon on the battle circuit if they're sapient?)

“In a bit. I wanna see how this played out first.” He resets the video despite my protests. I lean on my fist, disgruntled.

therapist Fonz is the best omg

The video rolls from beginning to end. My voice still sounds really weird played back. Less masculine than I'd wish. At least I have the looks to patch it up.

he's trying so hard here lol

My eyes feel hot. Wet. Tears. Heart pounding. Gut heavy. I… didn't expect to feel this way. But I just… miss Him. I miss Him so much.

I breathe in. Some tears fall on my cheeks. Okay. Bit of a tangent. Let's just get through this quickly and professionally. He needs to be apologized to. She.

I kind of wish we saw what he typed here, but in general I liked the way you get Red to rationalize acting like another human being--by having him pretend that everything is the one thing he actually cares about

“Fuck you want?” it asks, cigarette somehow not falling from its beak.

perfection

The customers of stores like these, however, are the kind of people to believe that ‘natural is always better’, even when the choice is between a thoroughly tested vaccine and a shiny rock that supposedly emits lunar healing frequencies. Ignorance like that is the bread in which mold like this can grow.

this aged really well and I'm sad that I agree with Red lol

One can't just go around trapping wild animals as they please - according to the law, anyway. All balls, excluding master, have to let the mon escape before registration if they struggle too much. Even after registration, the ball isn't inescapable, but the requirement for leaving varies between balls. If I remember correctly from what they taught in school, an ultra ball requires the mon to input a given combination of symbols to unlock it. Therefore intelligent mon are able to leave at will, but ferals and infants are stuck inside. That's why these ones are meant for more experienced trainers that would need to capture the latter two kind and keep them from roaming around unsupervised for everyone's safety, mon included.

This has horrifying ramifications for pokemon in this universe, but I think it tracks with the general trainerverse you outlined in Whine-Yelp (and I think Eli appears in HH, so this seems to be the same universe?)--where things used to be pretty shitty for pokemon, now they're getting better, but they aren't necessarily all fixed.

I did think that the exposition chunk here was a little much, but I'm not sure how you could integrate it in elsewhere. Depending on its relevance, maybe something with how Red caught Jess/Fonz the first time, if he did? (wait, while we're there--Did Red masterball AJ in this one? Or hell, not even related, but did the Giovanni/Team Rocket/Saffron takeover plots happen?)

Shirlee turns to me. "Let's go," she says. Her voice isn't angry, nor is it excited… it's just quiet. I guess I should tone my mood down as well. Make her feel more comfortable.

I liked this characterization for her here. It feels very endgame/climactic, but it does a good job of showing how emotionally invested she is in all of this panning out, which is sad, because her caring here is her downfall.

Illegal! Oh, may the Gods have mercy on our souls - we're about to break the law! Once that wretched act has been committed, we will surely have lost our innocence for good. We, the lost lambs that we are, now bid farewell to our sweet, pure childhood and plunge ourselves to the abyss of sin!

oh noooo the lawww

"D-dropped my phone. Freaked out."

She holds a stare. Oh Gods, just please buy it.

"...Okay," she says. Yes! "Um, sorry for interrupting, I guess."

I like how this works.

I wanna do this right, as I'll only get one change.

*chance

“Are you fucking larping?”

lmao I like how no one takes Red seriously, mostly me rip but also not even Shirlee

“Oh my Gods!” I shout. “You’re in the basement of a serial killer, can you maybe act like it?”

: )

I take a step towards the drawers, but dammit, I actually can’t show the jars to her. She might break them and use the shards as weapons. I clench my fists. “I can’t show them,” I grumble.

“Oh, why not?”

this entire exchange killed me

“Do you know what the Twitch is?” I ask.

okay zoomer

“Couldn’t you just… talk to Him about it?”

I blink. “...What?”

I like how her first (or maybe second I guess) instinct here is just to ... help. And she stumbles on the right solution without even knowing it, but unfortunately we're playing by Red's rules and he's too cool for her facts and logic. Makes the entire scene jump from the comedic bits back into the tense bits very seamlessly.

I don’t like this. I don’t like this feeling she’s making me feel. I don’t like her implying that she’s smarter than me for thinking of this. She’s just a singer. I’m a priest. His servant. I know better than her. That has to be true. And because it’s true, there’s no point in dwelling on it. I have a job to do. A goal to accomplish. I’m not stopping until I’m finished.

yeah ugh red it's definitely her fault

She looks… magnificent.

Like a form of HIS. Terrifying, powerful, yet beautiful. Otherworldly, yet familiar. Dangerous, yet I only want to get closer.

I liked this as a twist. It fits really well with everything you've established about Red, but it wasn't really something that had occurred to me until I saw it written out like this.

...I can’t believe I’m going to use this excuse again.

I sigh. “It’s a sex thing.”

i can't believe he was gonna use this excuse again either and I wasn't prepared for the second time either. amazing.

He glances away, then back at the ball. “We should call the cops.”

Jess continues to be reasonable.

“You said I needed something else in my life,” I continue, “and this could finally be something like that. I really don’t want to fuck this up… any worse than I already have. So… please, just let me put her somewhere safe. For everyone’s sake.”

OH SHIT PART (unknown number)

I stand up straight, turn around and slam onto the wall. His wing bends wrong against my back. Crunch.

"Gaaahh!" Jess cries, dropping down to the floor. Wait, how badly did I...

This part's kinda sad lol. I like how you escalate things; I didn't really expect Red to do things that are worse than murder, but this almost felt worse than murder because it requires him to betray someone he cares about.

"You should know," I mutter. "You were there."

rip

It hurts, seeing Him like that. I want to hurt whoever’s responsible, but that person is me.

Red is gradually learning emotions, but will the lesson stick? no.

To show my support of this idea, I paid for it. I don't usually like to spend, but this I saw as a worthwhile investment in goodwill.

wow he's so generous

I sigh. This is why people are poor comfort. They just tell you lies you'd like to believe.

as opposed to red, who tells you lies that ...

"I dunno. Were you paying attention to Him?"

lol

Not here to -- "You just hit me!"

"There was a mosquito."

lmao, this is a great gag to return to for the finale

“You can’t hide your true self forever. You may have managed it this time, kept on your mask, but masks have a tendency to come off. One day you’re gonna slip up, beyond any possibility of covering it up - and on that day, you’re gonna lose everything.”

I think this line is metal as fuck, but also, I'm not sure if I buy this as the responsible course of action--if he knows what Red did and what a threat he is, it feels irresponsible to just let Red live his life and hope that one day he gets caught. (And again, I get that it's not really his responsibility to do anything about that, but then why come back at all, sorta thing.)

 

[canisaries]

Mother of reviews! This sure is one.

I think Tamaki came and left a little bit out of nowhere. A lot of the other bits build really delicately, but Tamaki sorta happens into the plot. For me the weirdness mostly came from it being the only consequence that we didn't really get to see Red directly cause--I get that "Tamaki intensely hating Red" is mostly caused by Red mercilessly bullying him, but "Tamaki happening to show up at the schoolyard at the same time to ruin Red's plan" isn't really (unless there was an obvious reason for Tamaki to be there that Red/I overlooked that Red could've known if he'd thought about Tamaki for more than ten seconds). And him leaving the plot felt a little abrupt, in the sense that I thought he'd show up later. Red tried to choke the ninetales; feels pretty severe in a world where pokemon seem (?) to have similar legal status to humans. Especially since Tamaki doesn't really have any tangible reasons to give Red the benefit of the doubt here instead of just calling the cops and pressing charges.

To let you in on a secret, when I was plotting Seiren way back in its previous unfinished version, Tamaki was just something I inserted because the story didn't feel right ending so quickly. To this day, I haven't really come up with anything better and I've promised myself not to make any big changes to this story anymore (I'm already in rewrite hell for HH and that's enough), so I just kinda shrug and say "good enough". There's no real reason for Tamaki to be there right at that moment other than bad luck (though unlike Red, he still goes to high school, so he has a reason to be hanging around the area), but he does provide the end-of-the-second-act conflict.

Regarding the ninetales: it's a fair point, but I think my idea was that Tamaki just really, really, really doesn't want to deal with Red any more than he has to and would much rather sweep the confrontation under the rug than make it into a whole thing with the police and such. And, well, the prequel syndrome admittedly also plays a part. The ninetales himself, Renny, I imagine thought he wasn't in actual danger - Red kind of exaggerated the edge he had due to his pride and desperation. His hands would have been scorched in just a while.

It's satisfying in a way that I didn't really expect a prequel like this to be--I remember reading a review response earlier in the thread about how you weren't really too flexible in changing the status quo because this is relatively close to HH timelinewise and there's only so much that can be yeeted/thrown around before that story starts, but I think you were still successful in telling an interesting arc here. I did remember thinking that some of the stuff like the mindwipe sigils were a little odd structurally, since they do end up stripping Red's actions of consequence by the end, but I see why you did it that way.

I'm glad it could be satisfying despite the prequel syndrome! I did manage to sneak in some consequence with his freakout damaging his relationship with Helix... though Metanoia/HH kind of makes it not matter much by having Red need to cut his attachment to Helix and no longer talking to Him anyway.

Because ultimately she might care, but she doesn't really get Red--either he lied well enough to her or himself that it didn't matter. I liked this as a closer, partially because it's just a solid line, but also because it seems to bounce straight off of Red (or maybe I'm reading that incorrectly; unsure). But in general, armor-piercing insults like that only land if someone actually cares about what you have to say.

Red definitely doesn't care. He never thought he was the one in the wrong - hence, no need to change.

I thought the epilogue was well-placed--the ending scene of chapter 12 didn't quite feel satisfying to me in a way that I thought a final chapter should, so I was glad when it turned out that there was more space to wrap those loose ends up a little.

Glad to hear! The epilogue was a bit of a band-aid, admittedly, but the loose ends wouldn't have fit comfortably in chapter 12 so I wanted to get to them at least somehow.

There's a few times in this chapter where she's Shirley instead of Shirlee--wasn't sure if that was for like, easier spelling at the restaurant reservation or something, or just a regular typo.

Oh! It's fully intentional. Shirley Tanner is her real, legal name while Shirlee is her artist name.

Are they not free mon? Apologies if this was something that got brought up in one of the earlier chapters that I forgot.

It's phrased a bit awkwardly, but they are. Red's saying that Shirlee would be upset at Red implying he owned mon even if he actually legally "owned" them, which is basically the case for non-free mon. Though of course there are still animal welfare laws - it's similar to how owning a pet works.

I didn't quite follow why he lists her being protected by the law here? Since most of his victims seem to be.

It's simply a general reason - Red's reiterating to himself the reasons why he can't kill Shirlee, and the law is still the primary concern, as was with his other victims.

This reminds me uncomfortably of that random Shrek movie where Shrek is afraid of having a lot of kids and has this dream, plus some ogres and minus some tentacles lol.

"Seiren is like Shrek 3" was not a take I was ready for yet.

I thought the structuring of this was a little weird, and the recap/how Red finds all the maps section could come at the beginning of this chapter rather than the middle

I think I remember sometimes doing this for other stories in the past due to just being really allergic to starting chapters with summaries or fast-forwards. I think I'm over it nowadays.

(I admit I don't fully understand the lore here--can PC's normally erase pokemon or was this part of the Twitch glitchiness? What even is the benefit/legal justification for storing pokemon on the battle circuit if they're sapient?)

The erasing thing was only part of the Twitch - it made the release feature malfunction with deadly results. As for storage, there hasn't been a good place in any story yet to explain how the PC storage system works in the HHverse, but I'll summarize it quickly:

Pokéballs are pocket spaces rather than something that converts a living being into energy, as implied by a couple of parts in this story. Similarly, pokémon are not converted into data in the PC, but their pokéballs are registered as being in storage. The mon themselves can be out of the pokéball and simply waiting in any Pokémon Center (they have daycare-like accommodation), but they are notified when a trainer wants to withdraw them, in which case they hop in the pokéball and are teleported to the Center the trainer is at. If a mon is unavailable, then that mon is unavailable, and that's their right. Trainers usually coordinate with their team members when they ought to be available. Nonsapient mon, though, simply stay at the daycare as you can't just let them walk around freely the way you can't let a dog walk around freely.

this aged really well and I'm sad that I agree with Red lol

The fucked up thing is that Red would probably side with the conspiracy theorists during Covid purely because of how paranoid he is.

This has horrifying ramifications for pokemon in this universe, but I think it tracks with the general trainerverse you outlined in Whine-Yelp (and I think Eli appears in HH, so this seems to be the same universe?)--where things used to be pretty shitty for pokemon, now they're getting better, but they aren't necessarily all fixed.

I did think that the exposition chunk here was a little much, but I'm not sure how you could integrate it in elsewhere. Depending on its relevance, maybe something with how Red caught Jess/Fonz the first time, if he did? (wait, while we're there--Did Red masterball AJ in this one? Or hell, not even related, but did the Giovanni/Team Rocket/Saffron takeover plots happen?)

Whine-Yelp is indeed the same world as HH, though in a different region and a few years prior, not that the worldbuilding would differ. Me and @NebulaDreams have actually had some chats about how my trainerverse is kind of what his trainerverse is on the slow road to becoming, lol.

Making references back to Red's journey is kind of tricky in this fic when a lot of it is about how Red doesn't want to think back to those times. To answer your question, though: Red did catch Angel (the Zapdos's name in my adaptation) with a masterball and the Team Rocket things happened, but the Twitch was responsible for warping things around Red to be kind of weird and game-like and also prevented people from intervening and getting help for this obviously fucked up child. I haven't really thought of the lore for Red's other team members fully, but I think I would have Red releasing Angel and getting rid of the ball because 1. dealing with a grumpy thunderbird just isn't worth it, 2. everyone would constantly bother him about the very rare and powerful pokémon he knows and 3. kids are absolutely not allowed to have master balls holy shit.

i can't believe he was gonna use this excuse again either and I wasn't prepared for the second time either. amazing.

little does red know the entire town of pallet is starting to know him as the weird sex pervert

I think this line is metal as fuck, but also, I'm not sure if I buy this as the responsible course of action--if he knows what Red did and what a threat he is, it feels irresponsible to just let Red live his life and hope that one day he gets caught. (And again, I get that it's not really his responsibility to do anything about that, but then why come back at all, sorta thing.)

Prequel syndrome hit me again there, but I think I also had the reasoning that all this kind of shit is a total nightmare when a famous person is involved. Arktos didn't want to put that on Shirlee. She also definitely has other problems to deal with at the time, and learning that yes that kitten was indeed murdered and by your almost-boyfriend-but-actually-psychopath no less sure wouldn't be nice.

Thank you so much for this massive review! The depth of the analysis took me by surprise - I didn't even realize the recurring themes of change and how one is perceived by others. I guess a work really becomes much more than the author's raw intent when readers are involved. Honestly, this review makes me feel proud in having written this story, and it's a wonderful feeling. Thank you once again, for both the review and reading!