K_S
Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
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Clarity analysis first I guess
I thought I cleared that first line up... on reread I realize I posted the RD over not the second draft.... whoops.
I'll clear up what I edited in reply and um... yeah sorry for making you read the same thing twice by accident here.
Your clarity concerns:
1) The voice was sit and, raised enough to be heard but stretched to a near yell was required
I think the final draft was
"The voice that called him was stern, and raised loud enough to be heard through many rooms. It was stretched between that awkward span between near yell and indoor holler. At first when Ash'd heard it, he'd panicked, because whoever it was knew his name, and he didn't know who it was. Still he followed the call, lead on by curiosity and his Nidoran who was going forward and willing to drag him with if he held back too much."
It got cut and mangled and that definitely hurt the whole.
2)"The voice, once realizing his hales were being heard, had quickly assured Ash he was fine, to stem a compassion born panic."
I'd forgotten to clear up the identifying tags to tell who was doing what... Thanks for pointing this out, the italicized is the original text and the underlined is the quick fix version..
3) White had taken old authorities hue, it’s focus shifting from shiny badges (trainer police it hardly mattered) to reasonable voices. Seniority braced by effort and acclaim taking the place of reckless action without reason, battles won.
It was trying to show Ash's shifting morals here but without the build up of previous chapters it falls really flat.
Kanto's political/power bases are color coded on entry levels. He'd been enamored with traditional authority, the league and police who enforce it and their main color scheme in this work is blue. Their symbols are badges. His span under Oak is teaching him to respect the science community and their quieter authority and to notice things and slow down and listen to more reasonable voices. White is a common color associated with the science branches. The section is a trail of thought blurb that needs serious smoothing over as well as a background build up before I tackle it again.
3) "Clearly the voice was familiar to one of the lot present, and Ash tried to take heart from that, even if his heart was doing something like hurting with the revelation that… well if it was Leo he’d have to give Persian up… Because Persian was Leo’s starter, per Oak, and keeping a starter from their person was morally wrong and… And he wouldn’t do that, even if he would miss the sassy feline. "
Yeah that was bad plotting married to wonky identifiers while trying to keep it simple to preserve Ash's voice as a child... and the lot smashed together caused some confusion... If not an outright car wreck.
I guess some background is needed (something I'm going to have to better plug in as the story gets to this point as this scene is mid point in my outline....). In the previous chapters Oak names the Nidoran "Leo" making a dry joke that he can't name him his proper name Leonardo because Dex's character limits. Oak goes with this name part because the Nidoran is reminding him of Giovanni and part because he'd just seen footage of Giovanni's body being dug up by Interpol who was trying to sweat him on information about Team Rocket... So he wasn't in the best mental place when he found the 'Ran egg and it hatched and he made the emotional decision to name the creature in it after a man he was grieving.
Ash, who has no clue about anything at this point, just rolled with the name Oak gave the Nidoran, so to him the Nidoran is Leo. However the Boss's full name is Leonardo Giovanni, who Oak calls "Leo" per familiarity, and it's something Ash picked up and went with too. So he's calling both Viridian gym's leader and the Nidoran "Leo" even before he realized they were one and the same. I had a bridging section, where Ash clarified it was human Leo.... who he's have to give Persian up too.... but it sounds clunky and on reread I'm going to have to re-haul that section for clarity instead of xfer it here. Seeing where it failed from a fresh no-background perspective though helps immensely so thanks for pointing it out.
I'll probably reach out to the beta-readers in due time. I tend to post second draft level to get idea feed back then reach out to a beta.
General remark response:
I'm glad you like the idea. Right now Leo's going through the situational stages of grief, and after a stint in Oaks medical facilities forced him out of "denial" he's snuggling up against the "plotting to overthrow the originators of his situation" step and... that's probably not a stage of grief but it's his mindset. His trait is "poison point" and he literally seethes venom when he thinks about what happened to him so Arceus and the Legendary 'mon are going to get a very bitter dose if he gains enough power to do something about his situation.
Initial content was going to be Leo coming back as a Meowth, but then when I started outlining Persian I realized that would not fly. Persian's a possessive fur ball who'd have a hairball at the idea of traveling with another feline. The cat's relationship with Meowth in canon and in my other tales... so that was a no go. I skimmed through the other members of Gio's regularly shown teams and went with a Nidoran since he normally goes with a Nidoking. And my other option, a Rhyhorn, felt too powerful.
Also, for brownie points, with this choice when Gio gets unbearably bossy or Rocket-y Persian can mosy up to him and scruff him, cutting off rants, orders, or general jerk behavior.
I've actually tag teamed Gio and Ash up a few times in other stories as I like the pair bouncing off of each other. Usually Ash humanized the Rocket to a certain extent, softening him a little, but in my other works Gio has fringe contact with Ash. Oak's the main contact for both of them and the stories relationship arch center around Oak navigating the 'mine field of having to juggle them both of them in his life at once and the utter insanity, moral gymnastics, ect, that it entails.
The challenges I'm expecting/looking forward to are going to be the situation, this story is going to be a sharp change of pace from my norm. And I've some plans to experiment with dialogue, running normal conversations, and 'mon ones side by side... Because when Gio's narrating as a Nido he's going to understand everything at once and that's going to make things interesting...
Thanks for dropping a line and I'm glad you liked what I've posted thus far.
I thought I cleared that first line up... on reread I realize I posted the RD over not the second draft.... whoops.
I'll clear up what I edited in reply and um... yeah sorry for making you read the same thing twice by accident here.
Your clarity concerns:
1) The voice was sit and, raised enough to be heard but stretched to a near yell was required
I think the final draft was
"The voice that called him was stern, and raised loud enough to be heard through many rooms. It was stretched between that awkward span between near yell and indoor holler. At first when Ash'd heard it, he'd panicked, because whoever it was knew his name, and he didn't know who it was. Still he followed the call, lead on by curiosity and his Nidoran who was going forward and willing to drag him with if he held back too much."
It got cut and mangled and that definitely hurt the whole.
2)"The voice, once realizing his hales were being heard, had quickly assured Ash he was fine, to stem a compassion born panic."
I'd forgotten to clear up the identifying tags to tell who was doing what... Thanks for pointing this out, the italicized is the original text and the underlined is the quick fix version..
3) White had taken old authorities hue, it’s focus shifting from shiny badges (trainer police it hardly mattered) to reasonable voices. Seniority braced by effort and acclaim taking the place of reckless action without reason, battles won.
It was trying to show Ash's shifting morals here but without the build up of previous chapters it falls really flat.
Kanto's political/power bases are color coded on entry levels. He'd been enamored with traditional authority, the league and police who enforce it and their main color scheme in this work is blue. Their symbols are badges. His span under Oak is teaching him to respect the science community and their quieter authority and to notice things and slow down and listen to more reasonable voices. White is a common color associated with the science branches. The section is a trail of thought blurb that needs serious smoothing over as well as a background build up before I tackle it again.
3) "Clearly the voice was familiar to one of the lot present, and Ash tried to take heart from that, even if his heart was doing something like hurting with the revelation that… well if it was Leo he’d have to give Persian up… Because Persian was Leo’s starter, per Oak, and keeping a starter from their person was morally wrong and… And he wouldn’t do that, even if he would miss the sassy feline. "
Yeah that was bad plotting married to wonky identifiers while trying to keep it simple to preserve Ash's voice as a child... and the lot smashed together caused some confusion... If not an outright car wreck.
I guess some background is needed (something I'm going to have to better plug in as the story gets to this point as this scene is mid point in my outline....). In the previous chapters Oak names the Nidoran "Leo" making a dry joke that he can't name him his proper name Leonardo because Dex's character limits. Oak goes with this name part because the Nidoran is reminding him of Giovanni and part because he'd just seen footage of Giovanni's body being dug up by Interpol who was trying to sweat him on information about Team Rocket... So he wasn't in the best mental place when he found the 'Ran egg and it hatched and he made the emotional decision to name the creature in it after a man he was grieving.
Ash, who has no clue about anything at this point, just rolled with the name Oak gave the Nidoran, so to him the Nidoran is Leo. However the Boss's full name is Leonardo Giovanni, who Oak calls "Leo" per familiarity, and it's something Ash picked up and went with too. So he's calling both Viridian gym's leader and the Nidoran "Leo" even before he realized they were one and the same. I had a bridging section, where Ash clarified it was human Leo.... who he's have to give Persian up too.... but it sounds clunky and on reread I'm going to have to re-haul that section for clarity instead of xfer it here. Seeing where it failed from a fresh no-background perspective though helps immensely so thanks for pointing it out.
I'll probably reach out to the beta-readers in due time. I tend to post second draft level to get idea feed back then reach out to a beta.
General remark response:
I'm glad you like the idea. Right now Leo's going through the situational stages of grief, and after a stint in Oaks medical facilities forced him out of "denial" he's snuggling up against the "plotting to overthrow the originators of his situation" step and... that's probably not a stage of grief but it's his mindset. His trait is "poison point" and he literally seethes venom when he thinks about what happened to him so Arceus and the Legendary 'mon are going to get a very bitter dose if he gains enough power to do something about his situation.
Initial content was going to be Leo coming back as a Meowth, but then when I started outlining Persian I realized that would not fly. Persian's a possessive fur ball who'd have a hairball at the idea of traveling with another feline. The cat's relationship with Meowth in canon and in my other tales... so that was a no go. I skimmed through the other members of Gio's regularly shown teams and went with a Nidoran since he normally goes with a Nidoking. And my other option, a Rhyhorn, felt too powerful.
Also, for brownie points, with this choice when Gio gets unbearably bossy or Rocket-y Persian can mosy up to him and scruff him, cutting off rants, orders, or general jerk behavior.
I've actually tag teamed Gio and Ash up a few times in other stories as I like the pair bouncing off of each other. Usually Ash humanized the Rocket to a certain extent, softening him a little, but in my other works Gio has fringe contact with Ash. Oak's the main contact for both of them and the stories relationship arch center around Oak navigating the 'mine field of having to juggle them both of them in his life at once and the utter insanity, moral gymnastics, ect, that it entails.
The challenges I'm expecting/looking forward to are going to be the situation, this story is going to be a sharp change of pace from my norm. And I've some plans to experiment with dialogue, running normal conversations, and 'mon ones side by side... Because when Gio's narrating as a Nido he's going to understand everything at once and that's going to make things interesting...
Thanks for dropping a line and I'm glad you liked what I've posted thus far.