• Welcome to Thousand Roads! You're welcome to view discussions or read our stories without registering, but you'll need an account to join in our events, interact with other members, or post one of your own fics. Why not become a member of our community? We'd love to have you!

    Join now!

Pokémon Progenitors

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
  2. zygarde
So. This is an old-ish story (around 2016) that I decided would be the first to be posted here for reasons, some of which will be apparent as you read it. There are some allusions to other stories I still need to transfer to this forum (Caging Destruction and Rude Awakening), but not enough to be too confusing. I hope.

Anyway:


Progenitors

progenitors_cover.png

He stood and stared at it, even with nothing but literal empty space to stand on. This strange orb of great size, made of barren rock and shifting magma wreathed in a thin veil of gas, floated before him amidst countless glittering stars, distant but even more massive.

The one he had been told by Arceus themself to give the gift of life.

Life. He embodied it, it flowed through him and radiated from him through the metaphysical heartbeats and breaths of the other Legendaries of this universe, and himself as well, flowing through his thin, hooved legs and body, his spiraling antlers, and shining from his wide, eager, X-pupiled eyes. But creating life himself... he was nervous. Only Arceus themself had done it before. If he failed this, he'd be the embarrassment of every other Legendary in the universe.

He shifted his front hooves nervously, realizing he'd need help but too nervous to ask. Then he got an idea.

He reared up, cupped his hooves together, and let the life radiating from his body flow through them, congeal, become gas then liquid then a solid shape forming between them until he had... An egg. A light pink egg.

He blinked, stared at it in confusion. This... Wasn't this the sort of thing Arcus and their children had hatched from? He had the strangest feeling Arceus had helped him, but why?


Before he could ask himself further questions in that vein, the egg began to crack. He panicked - had he done something wrong? Would something horrible emerge, or would it explode in his face?

But the eggshell fell away to reveal a tiny pink creature, one with a large head, tail, and hind paws but small forepaws, making mewling sounds and stirring softly.

"I... I did it!" he said. "Oh wow, this is amazing, I'm a huge step closer..."

The creature began mewling louder and clinging tightly to his leg.

"Ah! It's OK, it's OK..."

He used his hooves to ease the creature upward to his chest, where it clung tightly to his fur and mewled more softly.

"O-OK, you seem better now, that's good..."

The small creature opened their large eyes and made a more coherent noise looking up at him with wonder.

"...Mew?"

He gave his own look of wonder back himself.

"Wow, you already have your first word! Well, kinda, sorta... Mew, was it? That's actually a nice name, I'll call you that! I'm Xerneas."

He cradles them with a hoof, and they buried thir face in his fur, mewling more affectionately.

"Heh... Some of the other Legendaries call Arceus their "father"... Does that mean I'm yours?"

Mew looked up at Xerneas again.

"Mew!"

"Guess that settles it! Oh, that must mean you're my son! Er, or daughter, or neither, I can't quite tell yet..."

Mew merely clambered up to Xerneas' horned head and curled up in his antlers. If he had a visible mouth he would have smiled.

"Get as much rest as you need, little fella..."

He looked back to the barren orb before them.

"...We're gonna have a job to do."

---------

The heat was insufferable, even to them as beings of great metaphysical power. A red sky marked by a blindingly bright sun and moon looming huge - Xerneas wondered briefly how Solgaleo and Lunala were doing - stretched over them, seeming hostile to any and all possibility of life.

And yet here they were, in front of a pool of water amid the barren landscape, trying to create exactly that.

"Daddy?" Mew said, looking at the pool curiously, "What is this?"

Xerneas turned his head to her - she was a girl, they both had realized - and pointed a hoof to the liquid. "This? It's water! It's what we're gonna need to make life on this planet!"

"Make... Life?"

"Yeah! Like, we're both life, in a sense... But we need to make a new kind of it for this planet!"

"But... What, Daddy, and how?"

Xerneas shifted a bit, nervously. "That... I'm not sure of."

"Maybe we should start small! Like, really super small! I could try!"

Xerneas looked at her for a second, then nodded. "Go ahead! You remember what I said about using your powers, right?"

"Yeah! Lemmie try!"

She scrunched up her face as her body glowed; minerals and water were drawn from the pool and coalesced around her, forming particles that fell into the pool,dispersing, dissolving.

She opened her eyes and looking down, frowned when nothing seemed to have changed. "It didn't work..."

Xerneas frowned with his eyes as well. "Well, maybe we should try agai-"

He suddenly looked at the pool more intently. "Wait! I sense something! An aura of life, it's small, but it's there!"

His eyes glowed, and his and Mew's vision grew more amplified until they could see tiny round shapes squirming in the pool.

"Daddy! It worked! I made those!"

"Yeah! Great job!"

The squirming shapes begin to divide, multiply.

"And they're making more by themselves!" said Mew, giddly.

Xerneas blinked. "How? They don't power like ours..."

Their vision zoomed further, and then before them were strange spiraling molecular spirals, which to the two glowed in various colors, splitting and recombining.

"They... They have a physical code inside themselves!" said Xerneas. "One that lets them make more of their kind and is changing by itself every second!"

"And the code spirals just like your antlers!" said Mew.

"Oh, wow! I didn't notice that before, that's awesome!"

He was suddenly hugged by Mew.

"We did it, Daddy!"

"Haha, yeah, woo!" said Xerneas, stomping a hoof triumphantly. "Mission accomplished, Mew!"

He looked back to the pool.

"...Well, not quite yet."

"What do you mean, Daddy?"

"Well, so far this new life's only taken up one small pool..."

He looks around the barren landscape.

"Let's see what happens if it - and we - keep going!

-------------------

Xerneas looked around at the massive forest before him; lush, green, teeming with life - both the trees themselves and smaller plants, and the creatures scurrying and crawling and flying amid them. He could feel them, their Auras, the forces that flowed through each and every one of them, and it gave him peace.

He noticed one of those creatures land on his head - a large, green, segmented beast with red compound eyes and four massive wings - before glowing, stretching, shrinking, to reveal Mew.

"That's always so much fun, Dad!"

Xerneas laughed. "You really like the shapeshifting, huh?"

"Yeah!" said Mew. "I can be anything on this planet! I can crawl and fly and swim and use any of their powers and do anything!"

She frowned. "It's kinda exhausting too, though..."

Xerneas frowned with his eyes. "Why's that?"

"There's so much life on this planet now, especially since I was born... It's hard to be a protector and all that stuff to it all, even with your help..."

She shuddered.

"Especially when disaster happens and a lot of it... dies... at once... I mean, Aunt Yveltal helps take care of that, but still..."

Xerneas looks at her forlornly before suddenly perking up. "Wait! I've got an awesome idea!"

He cups his hooves again, charges energy between them, similarly gradually solidifying as before into an egg. Mew watched in fascination as another small, pink creature just like her emerged from the egg. Xerneas gave a look that if he had a visible mouth would be a goofy grin.

"There! Now you have a younger sibling to help you out!"

His eyes looked down at the new Mew and glowed. "Looking at his Aura, I think I'm better at this than you were born... I think he's a boy?"

"A little brother!" said Mew. "He's so cute!"

She floated up to and nuzzled the new Mew, who mewled back almost irritably. Floating back, she furrowed her brow.

"What do we call him? Mew two?"

Xerneas laughed. "That name's boring! If you're both going to be Mew, you should be Mew with different names!"

"Okay! Um..."

She scrunched up her face, then pointed at her newborn brother with a paw.

"His name is Bartelby!"

The second Mew mewled irritably, and Xerneas laughed again. Mew then pointed to him.
"And what should my name be, Dad?"

Xerneas blinked, looked away for a while in deep thought, then looked back to her, smiling with his eyes again.

"Pandora."

--------------

Not too far off from where Xerneas stood, two saurian Pokemon with white-feathered crests and beards were biting and clawing at each other in a territorial tussle. He was not so much concerned with that, however, as the sibling squabble before him.

"Bartelby, you need to mind your own business!"

"I was, Pandora, until I needed help with some forest blight and you were off cavorting with a clutch of Tyrunt!"

"You're one to talk like that, Bartleby," said a third Mew, "considering you were messing with me over a pond's ecosystem earlier!"

A fourth Mew, blue unlike his older siblings' pink, looked between them with concern.

"Pandora, Bartelby, Guyana..." he said, "please stop fighting..."

"A-Ask is right," said Xerneas, "you all need to calm down. Listen, I think working together on all that would be super-great, so why don't you all talk about handling that?"

Bartelby, Guyana, and Ask all look over to him and nod begrudgingly, moving off a bit to talk more peaceably. Pandora, however, hovered before him, scowling.

"They're so obnoxious when they gang up on me, dad!" said Pandora. "I hate it!"

"Er, I know, Pandora, just be nice to them, OK?"

"You think that'll solve everything!" she said back, paws on her hips. "But it doesn't! You don't understand us!"

"Pandora, I'm sorry, I er, um..."

He sighs and looks away.

"Gah, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do... I'm a terrible dad..."

"Now you're just guilt tri-"

Xerneas shrinks back.

"I'm sorry, Pandora, I didn't mean to make you feel bad..."

Pandora blinked, then sheepishly shifted side-to-side herself.

"Oh... You meant that..."

"Um, yeah, I'm sorr-"

"No, it's fine, I was rude..."

She looks over to the Tyrantrum with concern.

"Besides... There's something I wanted to ask you about."

"...What is it?"

"All this life we helped make... That me, you, and my siblings are guardians of... It all comes and goes so fast, when you think about it... And, I don't know, I'm probably better off asking Aunt Yveltal about the going, but... Where do me and Bartelby and Guyana and Ask stand there?"

"You? Well... You're all a bit different from me and Aunt Yveltal and the other Legendaries like us. We're part of what this universe is, we can't die like the normal creatures of this world can. You and your siblings, you're somewhere in between. You'll live as long as we do if nothing goes wrong, but if you were hurt enough you'd still..."

He stopped, stammered, shuddered. The thought of losing her alone, after all these eons, was something he couldn't bring himself to face. After trembling a few seconds longer he forced himself to be more composed and look into her eyes, faking a smile with his own.

"...But don't worry, Pandora, I'd never let that happen to you. You or your sibli-"

"Daddy, brother, sisters, look!" said Ask. "A shooting star! In the middle of the day!"

All immediately looked to the glowing light in the sky Ask was pointing at. All immediately widened their eyes in horror seeing what it was.

"Kids!" said Xerneas. "By me! Now!"

He ducked down, embraced the four Mew in his hooves and erected a pink barrier as a shockwave rattled the earth and boomed through the air.

Xerneas felt the dust and debri roiling around them. He felt the dull thuds of the broken bodies of the two Tyrantrum impacting off the barrier. He felt the agony of billions of living beings having their lives cut short by the blast, their Auras extinguishing en-masse. He felt the almost negative Aura of his sister flying across the world, reaping the souls of the dead to usher them beyond.

But he did not see, instead clutching the four Mew to his chest with his eyes closed, muttering the same two words to himself over and over in panic.

"I'll never..."

-------------

Pandora floated through an autumn forest, marveling at the myriad colors of the leaves. Her attention immediately shifted, however, as she heard the cracks of twigs and branches and turned to see Xerneas approach.

"Father!" she said, embracing him. "It's been literally ages!"

He nuzzled and laughed back. "Pandora, what's up? You said you wanna talk to me about something?"


"Oh, yes... About those humans!"

Xerneas blinked. "The humans? What about them? You know they caused a bit of a disruption when they showed up but they're doing fine now, right?"

"Yes, and far more than that! The humans of Kanto, they've taken to me!"

Xerneas gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"

"They revere me, look up to me... I'm not sure what to do..."

"Oh! Funny story,the people of Kalos view me the same way!"

Pandora tilted her head. "They do? Father, how do you deal with it?"

"Well, I try to be a role model? Someone those humans can look up to? Even if I screw up sometimes."

He paused.

"...Okay, maybe more than sometimes. But still, you should try that! You'd do great job if they like you already!"

"Thank you Father, but I'm still not sure..."

"Well, if it helps, I've found a way to ease relations you can do too!"

Pandora hesitated before continuing.

"...Go on?"

Xerneas did not speak in reply, merely focusing as his body glowed, shrunk, twisted, until he was no longer a stag but a young adult human, with shaggy blonde hair decorated by rainbow highlights, wearing a long coat decorated in the visage of his true form, but with the same wide, dark blue, X-irised eyes.

"Ta-da!" he said. "I already knew I could do it with creatures like Sawsbuck or Stantler, but I and the other higher-up Legendaries are figuring out we can do it with those humans too! Makes 'em easier to deal with in more ways than one."

He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"The humans say that I look pretty young for one of their species, though, but not really as a bad thing so I just roll with it."

Now having a mouth, he gave a genuine grin at her.

"But you've had the whole shapeshifting thing down for millions of years longer than your own dad! You can totally pull this off!"

Pandora gulps. "I can?"

"Yeah! Come on, try it!"

Pandora hesitated before nodding and descending, glowing, twisting and growing until she herself was a human woman, with flowing pink hair and flowing pink robes to match alongside her own blue eyes. Xereas blinked at her in amazement as Pandora herself looked down at herself, staggering a bit.

"I... I did it!"

She turned to Xerneas, frowning. "But the humans... Will they like this form, father?"

Xerneas looked her up and down, then gave her a small smile.

"I think they will."

She smiled back and used her new human arms to embrace him. He quickly embraced her in turn.

-----------------

In a winter forest glade, Pandora and Xerneas, once again in their natural forms, were having a far different meeting, Pandora's tears falling from her eyes into the snow.

"Father, you can't... I... I need you..."

"Pandora, I'm sorry... But I need to sleep until the danger's over. You have to stay safe yourself."

"Father, why?"

"Something weird has been going on the past several millennia... Ever since the Ultimate Weapon, the Skybreak, especially... I and Aunt Yveltal need to hide away and sleep to stay safe until the other Legendaries and everyone helping us figure out what's going on."

"I'm helping too, Father! But I want your help as well!"

Tears start falling down Xerneas' face as well.

"Pandora, don't worry... It should only be a thousand years or so, that's nothing to us... Stay safe, keep all your younger brothers and sisters safe, please, it's going to be OK..."

Pandora stared at him before clenching her teeth in frustration and charging an Aura Sphere. Xerneas flinched before she flung it into the snow and flew off into the snowstorm, sobbing.

At that Xerneas seemed to shrink in on himself, close his eyes, until he literally began to shrink and shrivel into a small tree that quickly began to be buried in snow. As he fell into a deep slumber his voice echoed out telepathically one last time:

~Pandora... I-I'm sorry...~

------

He didn't know precisely how long he slept, dreamt. All he knew was he sensed vague pulsations of events happening outside; but they were wisps, shadows, he could only barely parse.

Until he heard her voice.

"Please, enough! This fighting must cease!"

"P-Pandora!"

He was suddenly awake, alone, in a black void with nothing but a thin layer of water beneath his hooves.

"People of Kanto, hear me!"

"Pandora, I'm coming!"

He ran. Suddenly a pulse of violet energy from above battered him, knocked him to his feet. He kept running, but meteors crashed left and right as he dodged the blasts.

"No... No!"

A vicious, terrible heat caused all the water to fizz, evaporate as Xerneas staggered through it and ran beyond it to dodge another meteor, than another.

"Please... You can't let it end this way..."

Xerneas staggered through cold this time, breaking free to run yet again.

"Father... Father guide me... Where are you?"

"Pandora, don't worry, I'm right-"

He stopped and stared in horror as an enormous, all-too-familiar flowerlike structure burst from the ground, unfolding before him. A blue core emerged as the entire structure glowed green in preparation to launch a beam that would break the sky, and Xerneas screamed in utter agony and fell to his knees as it drained the vitality from his body at an incredible rate. As it charged its beam his entire body began to crack and implode and he screamed louder and louder until there was nothing but a flash of white light.

----------------------------------

He woke up, with fuzzy vision, dazed, weakened, to the sound of alarms blaring and the gradual sight of a lab with flame-like sigils etched everywhere. At first confused, he then panicked at the sight of tubes and wires and clamps all attached to and siphoning from his body, and he bellowed and thrashed in feral panic breaking himself free from them all.

It was only then he noticed the young male human with a male Chesnaught and a female Charizard wearing a Charizardite X by his side, all looking up at him with awe and more than a tinge of fear. In panic Xerneas yelled out to them.

<W-What's going on here?!>

----------------------

On a sunny day, in a small town, a newly-reunited, currently-human Xerneas and Yveltal were talking, laughing.

"So, what's been up with you since you woke from your hibernation?" the former asked the latter.

"Well, I woke up the same time you did, and once I knew you were fine from when Flare captured you thanks to that kid I was so relieved, but I still wanted to find you. Plus after that whole fiasco I wanted to chill out, catch up with what the humans and mortal Pokemon were doing while we were physically asleep."

She rolled her eyes.

"Unfortunately Time Pony was, fittingly, an ass about it at first. Was a whole fiasco in its own right convincing him I could interact with other beings safely after so long asleep. Eventually I got to the ol' softie in him, even if he made Giratina babysit me."

Xerneas snickered. "Which is why you flicked me with his joint?"

"Well, you try to deal with wannabe-dudebro dimension dragon on a regular basis."

Xerneas grinned. "Hey, I always liked the guy!"

His smile grew softer.

"But now we're both awake I ought to see my kids again... Starting with Pandora! She's going to be so happy I'm back..."

At that, Yveltal froze. Xerneas raised an eyebrow at her.

"What? I mean, we kinda parted on bad terms but if she sees me again she'll be super-thrill-"

He froze himself. He remembered just what his sister in front of him embodied. He started stammering, shaking.

"No... T-That dream when Flare got me, it was them, it had to be them..."

"There was an uprising in Kanto, decades ago... When we were sleeping I felt her soul pass, followed by countless others..."

She started to tear up.

"Xerneas, I'm sorry..."

Xerneas started to tear up as well, but then immediately gritted his teeth.

"Damn it... Damn it, no!"

He vanished in a flash of light. Letting out a curse of her own under her breath Yveltal likewise followed in a whirl of darkness.

------------------

Xerneas rushed through the streets of Celadon City, looking around rapidly for any signs of her, any objects of reverence to Pandora. Seeing none, he rushed in a back alley and started panting, shaking, speaking rapidly.

"They respected her, revered her, protected her... But it's all gone, there's literally none of her old Kanto left... It's like it was torn down and this new one was built in her place in a few decades..."

"That's... Exactly what happened."

Xerneas whipped around to see Yveltal standing behind him. She shook her head sadly.

"Brother... I am a being of death and destruction. That does not mean I approve of every instance of either. I'm sorry."

Xerneas staggered over to her, kneeled against her, buried his face into her chest and clutched her shoulders, sobbing.

"Please... Bring her back... Death is your realm, life is mine... I just want her back, I'll do anything, please..."

"I... Xerneas, she's been gone long enough bringing her back in any way is beyond even my power... I'm sorry..."

Xerneas stopped clutching at her, staggered back, then screamed as he lobbed a Moonblast at one of the alleyway buildings.

"Damn them! Damn this new Kanto! Damn the people that took her away!"

He vanished in light again. Yveltal didn't bother to follow, just looked down and clenched her fistas as tears ran down her own face.

She stopped, however, as a strange presence dulling that of the humans and Pokemon in the city entered the area. She looked up to see the bricks dislodged by Xerneas' Moonblast being carefully put back into place, and she whipped around to see a certain blue-and-gray metallic dragon staring down at her. She quickly reverted to her own more natural red-and-black avian form and scowled at him.

"What are you going to do now, you asshole?" she said. "Sold him for property damage? Scold me for trying to break it to him? Hell, you were being a creep on us the whole time, weren't yo-"

"First off," said Dialga. "At the latter, Giratina saw what happened, was concerned enough to inform me at once."

He sighed and gave her a much more forlorn look. "Second... I'm deeply sorry. I knew of what had happened with Pandora, but if you felt the need to make sure he didn't find out some other way far worse in your search for him, were worried of losing him and Pokemonkind and humanity yourself... I duly apologize for my behaviour towards you."

Yveltal stared at him, blinked.

"Wait, why-"

Dialga sighed again. "I believe I am very much due to tell you the story of why I was so harsh towards you. Come, it's a story I'll need my siblings to tell as well..."

A portal opened through which he exited. Yveltal hesitated before following.

------------------------

In a forest clearing in his "homeland" of Kalos, Xerneas stood stock still, unmoving, dulled.

Eventually he felt a Fletchling pass over his head. He looked up expectantly at the noise, as if expecting her, but quickly looked back down, ashamed. Then a thought crossed his mind.

He opened his eyes wide, they glowed, and his vision was filled with the Auras of every living being in the forest, flowing, flickering, pulsing. He saw himself in each and every one, but this time he willed himself to look deeper, more physical.

And then he saw spirals, spirals lit up in rainbows by Aura, flashing, twisting, dividing, replicating before him. And in each and every one of them he saw her.

Tears streamed down his face again.

I miss you, Pandora... I always will... But you still are with me in every living thing...

...And so for you I'll stand strong for them all.


-----------------

Oh, and this was a father's day special. Yeah. Hope you enjoyed! :D
 
Last edited:

RJR Basimilus

Arceus is nice I suppose...
Location
the Lovely Planet
Partners
  1. arceus-fighting
  2. lurantis
  3. arceus-poison
  4. haxorus
I’m gonna review!

Or at least, try to.

This story’s kind of an offshoot of a creation myth story in a sense, pokemon style! That being said, that statement only really covers the beginning, while the latter half of the story is the sad part.

I like Xerneas and the other legendaries as you write them, just a sort of “down to earth” so to speak. Personally when it comes to stuff like that, I like equalizing vernacular, or something like that. In most of the pokemon fanfiction I’ve read (which isn’t a lot so feel free to ignore me), legendary pokemon are obviously befitting of the name, overtly self assured and often archaic in their speech. Not that that’s a bad thing, pomp and circumstance is all good, but for me, the juxtaposition between beings of supreme status,and generally acting like a fool (mind you your characters aren’t really like that, just saying as an explanation) is what I’m all for. You got that down. One can clearly see your central figures develop personality wise.

As for the sad part, I’m a terrible judge of that stuff, though I’d wager that it’s fairly well though. At times the transition from scene is a bit frenetic, but it’s understandable with the fic as a standalone, it just dampens the impact a little bit.

As you said, this story is part of your wider universe, which I’m unfortunately unfamiliar with (something I hope to rectify in the future), so there’s not much I can say about the wider plot implications. But in and of itself, it’s a short tale of a series of sad events, and that’s selling it short! You really have to feel sorry for Mr. X, not having the best of times. That being said, if there’s any really pedantic points to make, one could always wonder why deities and the like always sleep so long. Oh well, that’s just how it is sometimes.


Enough of that though, good story! I’ll be sure hang around for whatever else you got in store (not like I got anything better to do).
(gosh this review sucks)
 

Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
This is a bit different than most of your stories I've read--much broader scope, time-wise, and kind of focused more on lore and grand history than a contemporary story. Plus more legendaries interacting with each other rather than with humans. It's an interesting departure from what I've usually read of your stuff.

I can tell a bit that it was written a couple of years ago, though, haha. As usual, some smaller sentence-level things before I start talking about the story as a whole.

He shifted his front hooves nervously, realizing he'd need help but too nervous to ask. Then he got an idea.

He reared up, cupped his hooves together, and let the life radiating from his body flow through them, congeal, become gas then liquid then a solid shape forming between them until he had... An egg. A light pink egg.
I was a bit confused by this part, since "Then he got an idea" made it sound to me like Xerneas had decided to create the egg, but then after he actually does he seems really surprised by it, like that wasn't what he was expecting. So was his idea just to, like, cup his hooves together and see what would happen? Or was he expecting the egg to look completely different, or something?

The small creature opened their large eyes and made a more coherent noise looking up at him with wonder.

He cradles them with a hoof, and they buried thir face in his fur, mewling more affectionately.
A little slip into present tense there. Should be "cradled."

- I liked the description of the early Earth at the beginning of the second section. It was brief but nice and evocative.

She opened her eyes and looking down, frowned when nothing seemed to have changed. "It didn't work..."

- I have to admit, I hadn't really thought of the fact that Xerneas doesn't appear to have a mouth before this. Once you get to things like Xerneas "frowning with his eyes," though, I'm starting to wonder how he's talking. Telepathically, I guess? It doesn't really matter one way or another, but since you emphasized the lack of mouth thing it got me curious.

Xerneas blinked. "How? They don't power like ours..."
Don't *have power, I'm guessing.

"Looking at his Aura, I think I'm better at this than you were born... I think he's a boy?"
Than *when you were born, probably.

"What do we call him? Mew two?"
nice

Bartelby, Guyana, and Ask all look over to him and nod begrudgingly, moving off a bit to talk more peaceably.
Present tense again, should be *looked. You switch to present tense quite a bit during this particular scene.

- Is there a particular meaning behind "Ask?" The mew-names are quite different from each other, and a couple are a bit strange, but "Ask" seems so unusual that I'm wondering if there's a story there.

It was only then he noticed the young male human with a male Chesnaught and a female Charizard wearing a Charizardite X by his side, all looking up at him with awe and more than a tinge of fear. In panic Xerneas yelled out to them.
Alain...? I'm so unfamiliar with the anime, haha.

Xerneas snickered. "Which is why you flicked me with his joint?"
Flicked me...?

Sold him for property damage?
*scold

This is a cute story, and an interesting take on Xerneas in particular. I feel like I usually see him portrayed as female, and usually more on the regal side of things in contrast to this more nervous and bashful incarnation. The opening scene was probably my favorite; Pandora is super cute, as is Xerneas getting flustered over her but also being pleased that he's managed to begin creating life without managing to completely screw it up. The two of them are a compelling pair, and their relationship makes for a heartfelt core to the narrative. To be honest, I would have liked to see more of just the two of them, but at times I felt like everything else going on in this story kind of takes over and gets in the way of appreciating their relationship.

Pandora's siblings are cute, for example, but they end up not actually being relevant to anything... they simply disappear after their first couple of scenes and are barely referenced again. I don't know that you need to cut them entirely, but the central relationship here is really between Xerneas and Pandora, so I think that kind of framing them in terms of that connection would be more appropriate to the story. You do a bit of that here, with Xerneas getting distressed by how much all of them are fighting, and Pandora complaining to him about it, but it feels like such an incidental side thing that it doesn't feel like it has a great deal of impact. How do the other mew change Pandora's relationship with her father?

This story also covers a very long period of time and a number of significant events, and I think at times this prevents you from really devoting a lot of attention to any one of the significant moments. The example that stood out to me the most was the part where Xerneas and his family narrowly avoid being wiped out along with the dinosaurs (or dinosaur pokémon). The meteor really comes out of nowhere at the end of that scene, basically everything dies, and then the event is never mentioned again. There really isn't much build-up here, so it feels like the event comes out of nowhere, and then when it doesn't have any apparent impact on the characters, it's like, why was it included, you know? There are a lot of short scenes in here, and I think maybe cutting some of those in order to expand a bit more on simple interactions with Xerneas and Pandora would really help give a stronger sense of their relationship. This is especially true with their estrangement--I feel like you took things a bit slower in the early parts, where Mew and Xerneas are creating life and concerning themselves with the early world, but didn't devote as much to the events that caused Xerneas to have to go into hibernation and thus separate himself from Pandora.

I see why you posted this first, as it definitely sets up some things that come up in a lot of your other stories, like the legendaries turning into humans. I'm guessing the incident with Mew and the remaking of Kanto is also an important event in your 'verse. (At least, I can't think of any canon event that seems to map onto it.) For the most part there's nothing wrong with this, and it's fun to see how this story ties in with others you've written through those elements. I did feel a bit lost at the bit with Dialga and Yveltal... that seems like it's something that must be referencing one of your works that I'm not familiar with, because again I'm not thinking of anything in canon that involved Yveltal being treated poorly by Dialga. It felt a little weird and tacked-on to me because it was kind of tangential to what was going on with Xerneas and Pandora, and I wasn't sure how it was supposed to slot in with everything else.

All in all, this is a story that's really brimming with ideas, which is fun in its own right. This story clearly intersects with a lot of other ones, and I get the sense that you have a lot of stories you want to tell within this one fic, too--about Xerneas and Pandora but also about Yveltal and Dialga and the other mew(?) and major events in the continuity you're building. It gives the story a lot of life and the world a sense of being much larger than these characters, but I think it does pull attention away from the central relationship and rob Pandora's death of a bit of gravity. While we've seen plenty of both Xerneas and Pandora throughout the story, the scenes from their lives are often brief, not really given time to breathe, and there's so much else going on that I think a bit of simply getting to know the two of them and their relationship is lost. All the extra stuff is fun, and I imagine even more so the more you know about the different narratives intersecting here, but to really get the most out of the father/daughter story I think you'd want to zoom in a bit more, move some of the other threads more to the periphery and focus in on Xerneas and Pandora specifically.
 

kintsugi

golden scars | pfp by sun
Location
the warmth of summer in the songs you write
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. silvally-grass
  2. lapras
  3. golurk
  4. booper-kintsugi
  5. meloetta-kint-muse
  6. meloetta-kint-dancer
  7. murkrow
  8. yveltal
  9. celebi
Hi Umbra! Here from Review Roulette!

Mostly keeping this casual since this is RR + I'm not sure if you want super intense line edits for a father's day special or anything, haha. Overall I thought this was a lot of fun! The deeper mythos of your extended universe has been touched upon in HAA + a few other oneshots that I've read, but I really appreciated this as a companion piece since it digs into a lot of different origins at once. I recognize Skybreak and some portion of Mew's story in Kanto, but it's really cool to see them fleshed out here! The Mew + Xerneas teamup gang made me tilt my head at first, but I think you really sold them as a team and I liked how you portrayed their dynamic. There was something very wholesome about watching them going around being like "haha let's try to make life ... no, that would be stupid ... unless?" that translated really well here.

Scopewise this is both much larger and much smaller than some of your other works -- and I think it worked here! The largeness of the timeline meant that you didn't have to dwell on setting up each individual scene for very long; the smallness of the cast (it's mostly Xerneas + Pandora, with a slight widening at the end) meant that you had plenty of time to get into what makes them tick. I think the rapid pacing of the scenes here really tipped in your favor by the end, when stuff started falling apart at a really rapid pace.

Some quick line notes?

Grammar things --
dust and debri
"debris" has a silent 's' at the end, rip
Sold him for property damage?
I think you want "scold" here? Unless?

More general things--
"Guess that settles it! Oh, that must mean you're my son! Er, or daughter, or neither, I can't quite tell yet..."
This line felt vaguely Professor Oak/"are you a boy or a girl???", especially after Xerneas has already referred to Arcues as 'them'. Dunno! This might be part of your extended universe for which legendaries are now gendered and which are not, but as a relative newcomer I found this a bit jarring
Xerneas gave a look that if he had a visible mouth would be a goofy grin.
This bit too -- I couldn't really picture what kind of look this would be?
"Well, I woke up the same time you did, and once I knew you were fine from when Flare captured you thanks to that kid I was so relieved, but I still wanted to find you.
You have a few sentences like this that go on a bit long and are hard to parse -- there's just a lot of information here (woke up, same time, you were fine, you might not have been because Flare, you were fine because kid, I had to find you). To me it gave the impression that Yveltal is bursting all of this out stream-of-consciousness child -- I got strong little kid vibes here, but I don't think that was your intent.

He noticed one of those creatures land on his head - a large, green, segmented beast with red compound eyes and four massive wings - before glowing, stretching, shrinking, to reveal Mew.
Ah! Meganeura in something closer to their natural time period! I loved this detail.

Not too far off from where Xerneas stood, two saurian Pokemon with white-feathered crests and beards were biting and clawing at each other in a territorial tussle. He was not so much concerned with that, however, as the sibling squabble before him.
Likewise, I thought this was a really clever and effective way to set the scene -- something I know you've been maybe struggling with in HAA? I liked what you did here; it's snappy and effective, and you do the double duty of setting the physical scene as well as the emotional one. We know we're in dinosaur times and there's about to be some conflict. I think in general you *had* to be a bit more conscious in this oneshot of setting up each scene since they all take place in vastly different parts of time and space, and it really worked!

Xerneas did not speak in reply, merely focusing as his body glowed, shrunk, twisted, until he was no longer a stag but a young adult human, with shaggy blonde hair decorated by rainbow highlights, wearing a long coat decorated in the visage of his true form, but with the same wide, dark blue, X-irised eyes.
this was a neat idea as well. RIP that it doesn't work at all for making the humans not kill them to death

"But now we're both awake I ought to see my kids again... Starting with Pandora! She's going to be so happy I'm back..."
Sir, You've Been in a Coma

Dialga sighed again. "I believe I am very much due to tell you the story of why I was so harsh towards you. Come, it's a story I'll need my siblings to tell as well..."
ooh, is this a sequel hook?

Overall I thought this was a lotta fun! I enjoyed seeing where you took these characters and it was a good read! Thanks for sharing.
 
Top Bottom