Non-Pokémon Princess IM-Peach?

[Tanuki]

Yes, you’ve heard it here first. Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom Peach Toadstool is facing allegations of embezzlement by the Diaporthe National Committee, even despite pushback from the GraphiOla Party’s dissent. It seems, even in a rare time of peace, this kingdom wages war within its own borders.

In fact, it’s that very “peace” that brought The Princess into such hot water. Despite the Koopa Kingdom’s innumerable kidnappings, The Princess has not once declared war. Instead, she petitions the treasury to line all routes to the Koopa Kingdom with Gold Coins—as if she WANTS an invasion. When asked in an official press release, she claimed these coins were meant as compensation for the efforts of a certain pair of plumbers.

Her claim certainly seems to hold water on the surface, but this pipe is quite leaky. When comparing the orders of her coin placement with the most efficient route to each kidnapping event, seventy-five percent of coins placed fall in the direct path, with twenty-five percent covering nearby areas with harsher terrain, though often rich enough in resources to justify the increased difficulty.

The claim of collusion, first pushed by the DNC, now appears to have gained bipartisan momentum. Indeed, even the GOP has started to suspect our darling Princess. One can hardly blame their hesitancy, however. What crazy woman wants to be kidnapped by a tyrant and saved by a plumber over twenty times in twenty-five years? The ruse sounds more ridiculous the longer it goes on.

Princess Peach brings her cabinet into these allegations with her, and even Bowser, King of Koopas, faces charges of treason. While these proceedings went on, we decided to interview the Mario Brothers themselves to get their side of the story. When asked his opinion of The Princess in light of recent events, Mario Mario shouted, “Wahoo!” as he leapt onto the reporter and took the lakitu’s cloud for himself.

After this, the lakitu asked Luigi Mario of his brother’s actions, to which he responded, “Mario!” before running after his brother.

Another lakitu formally met with Bowser to discuss these matters and more, but seemed only to, “Want [his] feet licked,” which his underlings seemingly eagerly obliged. He offered no further comment.

We may never know the truth, however, as this trial ended before it started. Princess Peach used her executive power to pardon Princess Toadstool, and Princess Toadstool used hers to pardon Princess Peach as well as the Mario Brothers for this and any other crime. All this conspiracy talked died as soon as it gained life, and the DNC and GOP are now back to arguing how best to kill the poor as the kingdom returns to peace and normalcy.

This has been the Toadstool Tribune. Thank you for reading.

 

[zion of arcadia]

Diaporthe National Committee, even despite pushback from the GraphiOla Party’s dissent

There's a thin line between love and hate, and you're teetering dangerously on it right now, bucko.

Instead, she petitions the treasury to line all routes to the Koopa Kingdom with Gold Coins—as if she WANTS an invasion.

Classic cold war tactics. And yet, no discussions on immigration policy or decisions made regarding dreamers. Suspicious. If I didn't know better, I'd say this article was biased--clearly pushing an agenda. I'm here for facts and logic only. None of this pesky emotional drivel.

Her claim certainly seems to hold water on the surface, but this pipe is quite leaky.

You know, I'm beginning to suspect these metaphors have not just a political nature to them, but also perhaps a sexual nature. I'm not quite sure what's giving me that impression, other than flagrantly libelous claims made by the author of this article in the past.

What crazy woman wants to be kidnapped by a tyrant and saved by a plumber over twenty times in twenty-five years? The ruse sounds more ridiculous the longer it goes on.

I'm more interested to learn the secrets of the Princesses skincare routine. No one looks that good for over twenty something years. That or she's she's struck a Faustian bargain with a man eating plant in her basement. 🤔

While these proceedings went on

I doubt it would clear the senate regardless. House of representatives, maybe. I wonder what we'd call the scandal with more concrete evidence. PipeGate? CastleGate?

When asked his opinion of The Princess in light of recent events, Mario Mario shouted, “Wahoo!” as he leapt onto the reporter and took the lakitu’s cloud for himself.

lol

Also, minor typo. You repeat Mario twice in prose right before the dialogue.

Princess Peach used her executive power to pardon Princess Toadstool, and Princess Toadstool

It's like that one spiderman meme where they all point at each other.

DNC and GOP are now back to arguing how best to kill the poor as the kingdom returns to peace and normalcy.

Ah, yes. But won't somebody think of the rich people.

On a more serious note, this is a fun exercise. Very meta. Quite political. Most of the stuff around here touches mostly on environmental politics or in a broader, more philosophical vein. It's always fun to see something that satirizes the American political landscape, combined with lampshading the sillier aspects of the Mario franchise. Lends it an absurdist quality that synergizes nicely with every ridiculous statement uttered.

I'm not sure tabloids touch on politics that much. They'd probably concern themselves more with the relationship between Peach, Bowser, Mario, and aliens from outer space. Much schlockier that way.

I had a hard time finding a poem that captured this piece. The final stanza of this particular work does a good job, however, I think:

Come hither, all ye empty things,
Ye bubbles raised by breath of kings;
Who float upon the tide of state,
Come hither, and behold your fate.
Let pride be taught by this rebuke,
How very mean a thing’s a Duke;
From all his ill-got honours flung,
Turned to that dirt from whence he sprung.