Heya, I drew your story for offsite V-Wheel, and found out that you happened to have a TR version here. So I figured that I'd kill a couple birds with one stone and jam out some feedback for you here.
Chapter 1
14th Aegigam, 675th Year of the 2nd Era
A long journey, finally at its end. Snowfield Village was an interesting ruin. Our investigation revealed that it was once the capital of something a landmass called the Crystal Continent, though such a continent no longer exists in our time. However, there have been reports of what appear to be underwater ruins in the seas north of the Mist Continent. It can therefore be easily deduced that this island, and the Lost Fog Peninsula are were once part of the Crystal Continent, which has long since sunk beneath the waves. This sunken continent requires some more research. However that will have to be done at wait until a later date, as Spark and I have decided to return home.
A couple nitpicks here and there regarding wording. Not sure how I feel about cold-dropping "Aegigam" in the date, but it's not a deal breaker. If you really want to beat it over the head of the audience as to what it is since "Aegigam" is just a name at this point of time, "Month of Aegigam" could work, but it's not necessary.
But lost continents, huh?
That's certainly a premise I haven't heard too much about, even if it feels like it'd be right at home with a PMD setting.
After several months of exploring the Lost Fog Peninsula and Snowfield Island, Spark and I were finally headed home. We had traveled all the way to the Mist Continent to investigate the newly discovered ruins of Snowfield Village.
Since Spark was quickly pacing around the ruined fountain, fur on end, I could tell my partner was eager to head home, even without reading her aura. I don’t blame her; exploring is really fun and exciting, but nothing compares to sitting down and enjoying a nice cup of tea at home with a book in my paw. At least for me, anyways. Spark more prefers to spend her free time to pulling small, harmless pranks on the inhabitants of Treasure Town.
The only problem with getting home is how we’re going to get off this island. We’re in the middle of the worst winter the Mist Continent has ever seen, which means it’s not ideal to go through the mountains. But on the other hand, Lugia’s having his yearly tantrums so that means sailing across the waters without a Lapras is also out of the question. Seeing how we were trapped, Spark and I had both agreed to search for a potential hidden exit.
>yearly tantrums
I mean, at least there's just a time of year where everyone knows not to approach Lugia, but that still sounds... concerning.
Though I see we're in Canonworld here since I recognize most of those places that got brought up. I wonder whether or not it would've made more sense to hint at the narrator + Spark's species a bit more explicitly, though. Like I'm
assuming that the narrator is some sort of bludoge from the aura-reading comment, but Spark... is kinda hard to place beyond 'Electric-type'. It could be a deliberate design choice here, but is something I noticed.
Potential, because the documents I recovered spoke of the Crystal Continent being some kind of [final defense]. We figured that they’d have a passage out in case anything went wrong.
As in a final
line of defense, or a final redoubt/bastion? Since admittedly the phrasing made me ask 'to/from what?' but the text didn't really indicate or hint one way or another. Might be something worth hinting at a bit more strongly.
“I’m gonna search the houses, Wind! You go to the temple!” Spark yelled as she took off.
I sighed. As usual, Spark didn’t care for tact or planning, and just ran into the problem head-on. Ultimately, I headed to the temple, figuring it was pretty likely to hide such a passage. I stopped in front of the majestic statue, depicting an ancient Crystal king. It was of a Pokemon I did not recognize, A rounded, duck-like creature, with faded red and blue colouring. Noticing a plaque, I attempted to decipher what it said.
King Po__g_n t__ 2nd, _h_ l__t h___n r__ic. _ay __ fo_ev_r r__t in p__ce.
Most of it was so badly faded, I couldn’t make it out. I’d have to cross-reference it with my notes to figure out everything it said. I went back to searching for potential hidden areas when a flash of yellow barreled into me at a high speed.
Something something "May he forever rest in peace". Seems like this guy's gonna be important, maybe.
I'd also recommend splitting the first paragraph in this block at "I sighed".
“Oof!”
“Sorry Wind, I just got so excited I had to run and find you! I located what seems to be an old guard barrack! Perhaps our tunnel is in there!”
I slowly picked myself off the ground, dazed.
“And you didn’t think to slow down when you got here? I’ll be surprised if you didn’t dislocate anything, partner.”
“Hey, I said I was sorry! Geez!”
Okay, so our narrator is 'Wind'... though, what
is Spark there? I'm
kinda getting Jolteon vibes from your avatar and the "blur of yellow"... but "blur of yellow could admittedly just as easily be a Pikachu. ^^;
Clearly headstrong either way, though. Including in a literal sense. :V
That’s Spark for you. Highly impatient, and very hard to keep up with. Yet we were still perfect partners, for reasons I don’t yet understand.
Disregarding that, I let her lead me towards the guard barrack she mentioned. Like the rest of the village, it was mostly intact. However it seemed like it didn't belong. It had to have been built quite recently but given the neglect many of the decaying structures showed, combined with the ancient and imposing temple which reeked of a forgotten authority planted seeds of doubt towards that thought. It almost felt placed for our use.
Narrator: "It basically
was placed for our use."
Though
how exactly do Wind and Spark know that this was built recently? Like is it the style of architecture which is modern and doesn't align with the ruins? Unless I overlooked something from earlier, something doesn't quite come through here about that.
“You know, now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem like it was an original part of the village. Should we still try it?”
It was rare to see Spark doubting herself like this.
“Of course. What does it matter how recent it is if it provides a route around the mountains and the oceans?”
I mean, not that they don't have strong incentive to try and get literally anywhere else considering they're in the middle of an ugly winter storm, but...
... Though on that note,
is that storm already upon them, or are they trying to get out of its path? Since there wasn't a lot of snow and the like described for their surroundings even though they're in 'Snowfield Village'.
She nodded in agreement. I opened the door, seeing as Spark was unable to due to being a quadruped. She ran aside almost immediately; I was a little more cautious and made sure I didn’t run face first into a wall like she did.
“OUCH!”
“You really should learn not to run ahead, Spark. You’ll just keep face planting into walls.”
Okay, yeah. I'm guessing that Spark is a Jolteon after all, since Pikachu is at least a facultative biped.
She shook herself off. “No matter. Let’s just look for some kind of tunnel.”
Looking around, the interior was uncharacteristically fancy for a guards' barracks. The walls were covered with manners of treasures, crowned with a diamond chandelier that hung from the ceiling. However, our attention was focused on the plain door opposite the one we had entered from. An abrupt, chill wind surged through the front door, bringing with it fistfuls of snow. Spark shivered at this new development; it seemed as if that door was our only option.
Oh, so
there's the snowy weather. Even if I'm pretty sure that's not natural.
Or has the outside
just gotten all blizzardy? Since... my assumption was that they
had been ducking in and out between the outside and the ruins earlier, but... yeah. Kinda first mention of snow there.
“L-let’s go, W-W-Wind… I-I’m f-f-f-f-freezing.” Spark stammered. I quickly opened the door and sent her through first, before following and ensuring this door was closed behind us. It was surprisingly sturdy, given the strong winds blowing outside and the weight of the snow.
What we saw next was not what we expected. It was a large room with a fireplace in the center. Several bookshelves lined the walls, while what seemed to be a list of books was on the nearby chair. Looking at the wall by the fireplace, we both noticed a fur coat, seemingly tailor-made for Spark.
“What is this place…?”
Spark didn’t care to question it, she went over to the fireplace to warm up after the sudden blizzard that befell us. I, on the other hand, started to investigate the room. Or, more specifically, the nearby bookcase. While searching it, I came across a suspiciously familiar title, The Temporal Crisis. I grabbed it and put it in my bag, wanting to read it and see if it was indeed what I suspected it was.
Translation: "Y'all aren't alone right now."
I looked over at Spark. She had somehow managed to get the coat on. What worried me most, however, was how she was uncharacteristically gazing into the raging flames. Hoping to figure out what was wrong, I approached Spark and let my aura flow a bit. She was exhausted. Perhaps we’ll spend the night here before looking for a tunnel out.
Upon reaching her, she still seemed to be chilled to the bone. She appeared to be too cold to speak. I decided to tell her what I had decided on.
“Given your current condition, I think it would be wisest to spend the night here to help you warm up. We’ll search for a way off the island tomorrow, when you’re feeling better.”
Er... yeah, if you do a v2 of this chapter, you probably want to keep the weather more explicitly in mind. Like it's not the end of the world for the weather to be "first the weather was tolerable, and then it got bad enough that Spark got left in this state after briefly stepping out the door", but you need to communicate both the passage of time and the "... okay, it wasn't
that bad just $TIME ago" factor to things.
She nodded in agreement. I helped her get settled, as she was still shivering despite the raging fire. Knowing that my fur was thicker than hers, I lay down next to her, snuggling in close to share my body heat. Good night, Spark. See you tomorrow.” She fell asleep, and a few minutes after, I followed suit. Tomorrow would be the day we left Snowfield.
I'm
assuming that Wind is a Lucario from the fur comment, but... yeah. Kinda don't have firm enough clues to work with. Like it's not the end of the world to not explicitly state the species of your protags, but you want to make sure that the description has enough identifying features for readers to put two and two together.
e.x. if Spark had been described as a "yellow-and-white blur with jagged fur" earlier, that's pretty unambiguously "Jolteon". Similarly, if Wind explicitly mentioned at some point something like "the four feelers on my head", or "I looked down at the metal spike on my chest" coupled with the stuff about Aura-reading, that's a way to instantly say "Lucario" without saying Lucario.
Chapter 2
Under the dead of the night, a figure slipped into the guard barracks. Her mind whirled with worries, but most of all for the only visitors she’d had in centuries. Had they taken shelter, or would she need to dig them out of the snow? She only had one way of knowing…
~~~~~
Howling winds woke me up, the fire [guttering] as it wound through the walls. Still, it was warm enough to keep Spark fitfully asleep, if not me. Being careful not to wake her by accident, I got off our shared hay pile. I reached into my bag, searched it for a moment, and grabbed the copy of The Temporal Crisis I had placed there last night. I was about to begin reading it, but something felt off.
Did you mean '
sputtering' where 'guttering' was? As in the fire was struggling to continue? Since otherwise I'm not fully sure what the intent there was.
Also for reference for your TR version, but if you want line breaks like your FFN version, just drop in the following BBCode into your text with no spaces: [ HR ]-[ /HR ] It also works with no separating character, but if you intend to cross-publish to other Xenforo forums, it's a good practice to keep since some like Serebii require them for the line break to render.
Allowing my aura to flow forth, I sensed that we weren’t alone. Somewhere, in this firelit room, there was an ancient presence, though not as powerful as that of a legendary.
[I focused on that presence.] By focusing, I was able to follow it until I located her. A Crystalline Ninetales. Her beauty was blinding, as if she were a queen above all, yet she seemed humbler and shyer than even the poorest of Pokemon. And yet, it was not her beauty that I was taken aback by. It was her feeling of relief. It was so strong that I nearly fell over from its intensity.
I think that it might make sense to emphasize
what Wind does to focus a bit more, since it's... kinda hard to visualize what exactly she's doing or how it feels to her.
Also, I didn't get the sense that this room was really all that big, and yet Wind finds a crystalline Ninetales in it. You might want to give a better idea of where the Ninetales is, and if the room isn't particularly large, maybe show Wind get a bit surprised from it, since... yeah. Surprise Crystal Ninetales. In your room. In the middle of a blizzard.
“Oh thank Arceus! You’re ok! I was worried you had…” she trailed off, not bothering to finish her thought.
[ ]
“What?”
“I g-guess I should explain?” she stuttered. “An explanation, yes. What is this place?” I asked. “It clearly isn’t an original part of the village.”
Uh... yeah, kinda would've expected Wind to have more of a reaction there since she's come face-to-face with a very strange Pokémon in a very unexpected way. Like I'd expect a moment to snap back to attention and get back to a more even keel. There's probably multiple ways you can do it, but the spot before "What?" feels the most logical if you're going to do a quick and dirty additive solution.
[*]
[10:53 PM
]
“You… live here?”
“I’ve lived here for the last 900 years,” she replied, seemingly proud of that fact.
“So… you’ve been watching us? These past few months?”
Her pride turned to embarrassment. “You’re the first Pokemon in centuries to set foot in Snowfield Village. Of course I’d be watching you!”
I calmed myself. She clearly didn’t mean any harm.
That'sa bold assumption there. It might make sense to show Wind have the gears turn in her head a bit more before coming to that conclusion. e.x. something like:
I calmed myself. This Pokémon had been watching us for months without us knowing. If she had any untoward intentions, she could've acted on them at any time, and yet she didn't. It seemed safe to conclude that she clearly didn't mean any harm.
Or something along those lines.
“The coat?” I asked, gesturing towards Spark.
“Designed specifically for Jolteon. Consider it a housewarming gift.”
“Well… Thank you. You may have saved my partner’s life. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
I... didn't get the impression that Spark was doing
that badly. Like you either want to tone this sentiment down here, or else make Wind more worried earlier on. Since... yeah, Wind ought to have been a bit more worried earlier if Spark's life was legit in danger and Wind was cognizant of it.
She relaxed herself. Breathing deeply, she asked me why we had come.
“We’re an exploration team. We heard about an untouched island off the Mist Continent and decided to check it out. I don’t think we quite anticipated the weather.”
“An… exploration team?”
“Exploration teams are Pokemon dedicated to discovering the world and uncovering new treasures. The two of us are one of the best teams around.”
“Why not just use magic?” she inquired.
Wind: "... I'm sorry,
say what?"
[ ]
“Magic? Like the fairy types?”
“You don’t know about magic? Isn’t it one of the most abundant sources of energy around?”
“No, Only fairies can access it. And they don’t like sharing. Why do you mention magic?”
She seemed intrigued. “Interesting, the Crystal Continent always had a strong affinity with magic. They could use magic to see for kilometers across the world, into other civilizations, and even out into space. They had no need for explorers.”
It probably makes sense to drop a descriptive paragraph somewhere in this sequence to break up the block of dialogue, since between the last two blocks, there's an unbroken chain of 7 lines of almost pure dialogue, and Wind's mood changes in the middle of it. It might make sense to describe her mannerisms and body language a bit more, e.x. her being briefly confused or something if you go with the specific break suggested here.
Wind: "... Not sure how I feel about the idea of something lurking out there that could literally put me and Spark out of a job overnight."
That got my attention. A Continent with a heavy focus on the studies of magic? Surely they would have had a lot of treasure. Finding it would mark Team Tsunami as one of the greatest exploration teams known.
I... would not have pegged that as their names, but the more you know. Though this
does feel like something that would've worked better established in the first chapter even if only via passing mention, since that's where the audience gets to know your characters.
“Ninetales, do you think you could help Spark and I uncover the Continent?” I asked, hopeful.
“Oh, please, call me Aurora. I don’t like my species name very much. As for helping you uncover the Continent? N-no, I’m sorry. The Continent was sunk to stop the approaching Voided Army. Uncovering it would unleash a terror that the world is not prepared for. But I can let you take some of the treasure from here, if you’d like?”
I looked over at Spark. She was still sleeping comfortably, but knowing her, she’d be up shortly. She never slept much longer than I did.
“No thanks. Just knowing about it is enough for now.”
Aurora: "... How are you not more concerned about the prospect of the Voided Army lurking in the shadows again when I very clearly hinted that it has existential implications for your world?"
Wind: "I mean, they're not a problem
now so..." ^^;
She sighed. “Thank Arceus,” she muttered. “I don’t have to part with anything.” She seemed to notice the book in my bag. “You can go ahead and keep that. I don’t read much anymore anyways.”
Wow, somebody's a cheapskate.
“Thank you.” By this time, Spark had woken up. I could sense she still wanted to go home. After looking around a little, she noticed us talking. She came over, clearly ticked off at me.
“Mind explaining exactly what you’re doing with her, Windrunner? I don’t need you running after some other lady,” she hissed. “And don’t say nothing, because I know that’s a lie.”
“Calm yourself, Spark. This is Aurora, she probably saved your life last night. I’d be thanking her if I were you.”
Oh, so 'Wind' is just a nickname. Will file that one away for future reference.
Wind: "... How are this paranoid and irritable over a
Crystal Ninetales and not in a greater state of wonder right now?"
Spark: "How are you just completely unbothered by said Crystal Ninetales being
right there right now?" >_>;
Aurora: "You two
do realize I'm
right here, right?" >.<
With a “Hmmph, if you say so,” Spark turned. I sighed. I always knew she was hot-headed, but never saw her as the jealous type. Regardless, I just had one final thing to accomplish.
“I… I’ll be right back, Aurora. I need to do some damage control.”
I hurried after Spark, heading back out into the village. I chased her through the central plaza, finally calling out to her as I reached the fountain.
Er... yeah, if you do a v2 of this chapter onsite, you might want to emphasize the weather and any effects from the blizzard last night a bit more, since none of that's really coming through at the moment. Also, you explained offsite that the 'damage control' is supposed to be Wind talking about saving his relationship from being in a bit of an awkward spot with Aurora... which I didn't pick up on
at all in the current text.
If and when you get that v2 hosted, this is something you want to establish
before Aurora comes along so that way it better grounds Spark getting annoyed at Wind over talking to a strange female in an intimate fashion while she was in bad straits.
“Spark! Wait up! I need to talk to you!”
She stopped and looked at me. “It’s about that Ninetales,” she spat angrily, “isn’t it? You can forget about that.”
“N-no, Spark, I needed to apologize to you. While it’s true, I shouldn’t have gone off to talk with her before you woke up, I’ve also been a little more harsh than I should’ve been with you.”
“Is that all?” she asked. I nodded. “Wind, we’ve both been short-tempered lately. But yes, you shouldn’t have gone to talk with the Ninetales before I woke up. Gives the wrong impression to a lady, you know.”
I feel that this segment probably would've worked better if Spark woke up on Wind in an awkward-looking moment, since... yeah, she's feeling awfully annoyed at Wind for talking with someone who apparently saved her life. ^^;
I was relieved that she was over it so quickly. Spark typically holds a grudge about this kind of thing, though I suspected it was only because it was me that it was different.
“I’m glad we can agree that I’m the one in the wrong here.” We both laughed. It was good to have her back to normal. “Now how do you feel about finally heading home?”
She quizzically looked at me. “How? We both know now that there isn’t a tunnel off the island, and the waters and mountains are still too dangerous!”
She had a strong point, although our supplies were running extremely thin. I figured Aurora could help us. Spark must’ve read my face, because she was none too pleased when she realized my train of thought.
“Oh. You mean her,” Spark said, a little dejected. She looked away from me. After what felt like hours, she finally spoke up again. “Tell you what, Wind, let me do the talking and there won’t be any other problems.”
Wind: "I... don't know if I can trust you on that one, Spark."
I wanted to counter that. But thinking my options through, not letting Spark have her way would just result in another argument. Sighing, I gave in. “Yeah, alright. I guess you’re right, Spark.”
With that minor setback out of the way, I accompanied her back inside for her talk with Aurora.
Upon our return to Aurora’s room, she was nowhere to be found, besides an empty fireplace with a hole. The tunnel twisted and turned downwards several times, before opening up into a much larger, much grander room. With a ceiling taller than Mt. Horn, artworks framed in diamonds, and doors the size of Lugia himself, it was evident that this was the legendary Seaward Chamber.
“Who dares enter my home!?” echoed a voice. It didn’t sound like Aurora, though. It was much more booming. Much more… legendary. “Whoever you are, prepare to face the almighty guardian of the seas!”
Well, this day just keeps getting better and better for Team Tsunami given that they're about to run into one hell of an angry bird.
Though you probably want to give some indication as to what the Seaward Chamber is earlier in the story, since that kinda came out of left field there. And if it
is supposed to come out of left field, you should probably have Wind and Spark get a bit more weirded out about it
As Spark and I prepared ourselves for a battle against the very beast keeping us trapped on the island, another voice rang out. I recognized it as Aurora’s.
“Master Lugia, please! They bear no ill will towards you! They were simply searching for me!”
Wind: "Wait a minute, you two
know each other?!" O_O;
Aurora: "It's kinda a complicated story... but... yes?"
There was silence for a few moments. Then, the doors flew open.
“AURORA! Have I not told you that we do not interfere with the business of the surface-dwellers!?” Lugia prepared his Aeroblast. “I shall blow you all off the face of the planet!”
You probably want to explicitly introduce Lugia to these two and show him off, since that's kinda a very special encounter there and... yeah. Presumably the two have some sort of reaction to it.
Spark: "I
told you that talking to her was a bad idea!" >_>;
Wind: "I'm
pretty sure we'd have run into this problem either way, Spark."
Aurora jumped in front of us. Before Spark and I could even process what was happening, a blinding light shone, then a boom sounded, before slowly fading out. When the light finally faded away, we were back in Snowfield Village.
Spark looked around, more confused than I. “Wh-wha? Where’d Lugia go?”
“I teleported us away just before his Aeroblast hit. As strong as you may be, Lugia is at his peak strength right now. You’d be no match for him.” Aurora explained. “Now, I understand you’re wanting you want to go home?”
Wind: "But how did we even
get there in the first place?! Was the Seaward Chamber even
close to the village we were at?!" O_O;
Aurora: "... Influence of magic?"
Wind: "Also, er... when was it ever established that we were strong enough to take on a Lugia again?"
Spark: "Oh
come on Wind, how hard is it to just spam Totter Orbs ad nauseum?" >.<;
“Uh, er, yes, we are. Wait, how did you-?” Spark stammered out.
“Your supplies are running thin, you’ve been here for several months, it’s obvious, really. You simply haven’t left because the mountains are even more dangerous at this time of year, and, well, you’ve already seen that Lugia’s angry.”
Spark sat back. I could sense she was annoyed, she really wanted to fight Lugia, but at the same time, there was a bit of gratitude. I’m guessing she was having trouble focussing on one of her two extremes, annoyance or gratuity.
Yeah... I didn't exactly pick up vibes that Team Tsunami could actually put up a stiff fight there. In your v2, you probably want to play up something like their relative rank to emphasize that they're fairly experienced or something like that, since... yeah, I did a double-take at Spark's thought process here at first.
“Aurora, you referred to him as ‘master’. Is he-?” Spark got cut off by Aurora again.
“I want to say yes, but after what just happened, I don’t think I work for him anymore.” I noticed Aurora looked a little upset after she finished saying that. “So… I wanted to ask… er… how do I…?”
“Speak up! I can’t hear you!” Spark shouted.
“Spark, if you keep shouting, you’ll never hear her,” I reasoned. It was true, she could be loud when she wanted to.
“Says you! I have great hearing!”
Wind: "Spark, let's
not piss off the
one 'mon who could be our potential ticket out of this place while we're short on supplies, okay?"
“...Says the Jolteon who failed to hear Loudred in the mornings,” I retorted, playfully.
[ ]
“Says the Lucario who didn’t hear a word Chatot said!”
“Says the Jolteon who…”
Our friendly bickering went on for some time, with Aurora looking between us, clearly confused by the whole ordeal. When we eventually stopped, Aurora finally had a chance to speak again.
You probably want to show Spark's mood moderate a bit either here or in the prior block, since at first I read this as a much more serious argument between these two, and... yeah, the text very obviously doesn't assume that it's more than playful bantz.
“I wanted to… er… I… I wanted to, um…” -she shifted her paws a bit- ”join your team… if you’ll let me?”
Spark and I looked at each other. I was worried Spark would disapprove, given what happened yesterday. But to my surprise, she agreed. With her approval, as she’s kinda the leader, I agreed as well. “It’ll be nice to have someone else around.” I giggled a little bit. “Spark can be a little annoying at times.”
“Hey!” she squealed, giving me a playful headbutt.
“Ok, ok, I’m sorry!” I held my hands up in mock surrender. “Just don’t bite!”
Wind: "So... Aurora can join us?" ^^;
Spark: "I guess we
do need a guide?"
Wind: "And you're going to
explicitly tell her that...?"
Spark: "Let's not get crazy here."
Spark leapt at me. Deftly dodging, I countered with a quick jab. Spark faked a look of pain, but retaliated with another leap. This one knocked me over.
Spark and I continued to play-tussle for a while afterwards. Aurora even joined in after a couple minutes. We just spent the rest of the day getting to really know Aurora before we left for home.
Hm. I'm not really sure if it really comes through that Aurora joined, and especially that Spark's okay with it, since Spark was fairly hostile to Aurora earlier, and it's probably important to show that she's come around towards her instead of parsing her as "how dare you try and steal my BF!"
Chapter 3
It felt weird, waking up the next morning and seeing two sleeping beauties. Aurora and Spark, despite previously holding a one-sided rivalry, were all tangled up in each other. Deciding not to interrupt their beauty sleep, I carefully worked our exploration bag out from under Spark. I set aside about a half hour to start reading Astrali’s The Temporal Crisis. As I progressed, I realized that it wasn’t just the title that was eerily familiar, but the story written closely followed that of my own journey. Feeling a little chill, I put the book away with the intention of reading with Spark later.
You probably want to italicize your book name there to make it stand out, plus it's a common convention.
Wind: "(Oh thank goodness, those two are actually getting along well.)"
I then grabbed my quill and journal, opening the page to the nearest empty one. Using my aura to wet the quill, I entered today’s journal entry.
16th Aegigam, 675th year of the Second Era
I know, I know, I don’t typically write entries so close together, but so much happened yesterday that it feels inappropriate not to do so.
[I should start with the morning. Spark had recovered from a near-death experience thanks to the coat we found in the mysterious room the night before. Since I was the first to wake up, I allowed myself to feel Spark’s aura, hoping to check on her condition, only to notice an unknown presence. I later learned this belonged to Aurora, a Crystalline Ninetales.]
Aurora. Where do I even begin? She’s very timid, for one. It took some effort to locate her. She’s also beautiful. Not as much as Spark, in my own opinion, but still breathtaking. I’ll be surprised if Pokemon don’t crash into each other admiring her. Aurora is also one of the braver souls we’ve met. She saved us from Lugia’s wrath, not something many would be willing to do. I guess that means we owe our lives to her.
I feel as if that second-to-last paragraph there can be summarized since it's basically retelling the events of first chapter. e.x. something like:
I know, I know, I don’t typically write entries so close together, but so much happened yesterday that it feels inappropriate not to do so.
I started with a summary of the events of the past day. Of Spark's near-death experience, of finding Aurora's coat that saved Spark's life. Of the encounter with Aurora and her saving us from none other than Lugia's wrath. Aurora... where would I even start talking about her?
As for Aurora... she’s very timid, for one. It took some effort to locate her even in our own room. She’s also beautiful. Not as much as Spark, in my own opinion, but still breathtaking. I’ll be surprised if Pokemon don’t crash into each other admiring her. Aurora is also one of the braver souls we’ve met. She saved us from Lugia’s wrath, not something many would be willing to do. I guess that means we owe our lives to her.
Or at least that's my opinion.
I would call this expedition a success. We proved the existence of the Crystal Continent, after all. To top that, we also gained a new team member in Aurora. I really hope she has fun with us.
I am worried for her though. To be a member of a famous exploration team? It might be too much for her. I can try to help her fit in, but it will ultimately come down to how she feels. Not every Pokemon is cut out for exploring.
[ ]
We’re heading home today. Aurora should be able to teleport us past the mountains, and then we’ll make our way to Noe Town. From there, it’s just a simple Lapras ride back to Treasure Town.
I have to admit, in a weird sort of way, I’ll miss Snowfield Island. Despite its coldness and sudden storms. It truly does feel like an ancient village come back to life. Perhaps, with a civilization so engrossed in magic, they left a passage through time. I’d love to experience the Continent before it sunk. A journey for another day, though.
[ ]
On another note, I started reading that book I picked up yesterday, The Temporal Crisis, and it’s eerily similar to my own story. Astrali… they wrote this book. But in the early first era, how would they even know about this? It’s been almost 2000 years since this book was written, so unfortunately the answer is lost to time. My mind again flows back to the idea of an artificial passage of time...
You probably want to interleave the process of writing the journal more with Wind gawking about at his surroundings and checking up on Aurora and Spark or the like. It adds a bit more variety and action into the sequence, and some of what's presently in the journal can potentially be handled as an active thought process from Wind and then mentioned in passing that he wrote it down.
I closed the journal afterwards. Both ladies were still fast asleep. Understandable, I guess, they did wear themselves out yesterday. Despite my better judgment (really, all the choices I felt I had were terrible), I chose to wake Aurora up first and do damage control with Spark later. This was because I had yet to properly thank her for yesterday, though I also wanted to know if she could teleport us off of Snowfield before we made that our final plan.
This 'mon's just a glutton for punishment, I see.
I had to think for a bit about how to wake her up. Any kind of noise was out of the question, as I didn’t want to wake Spark up, but pretty much anything else was fair game. I quickly listed the options I had for waking her up. A small fire? No, that would probably spread pretty quickly and burn the place down. Tapping into her aura? Probably not a good choice for someone I just met yesterday.
Why that's a bad idea IMO should probably be communicated more. Like the implication is that it's an intimate gesture, but that
really requires reading through the lines to pick out.
That left just a variety of random massage techniques I typically used on Spark. I immediately decided against the Paw Massage and the Special, as the former I only use for Spark, and the latter would be wrong to do in someone’s sleep. That left the Quadruped Back Breaker, the Frontal Paw Fix, and muscle relaxation therapy. I ruled out muscle relaxation therapy, since it’s rather similar to the Special, leaving the two possible options as the Quadruped Back Breaker or the Frontal Paw Fix.
The Quadruped Back Breaker, despite the name, was designed to help the back return to its natural position for a quadruped Pokemon. Spark typically has need of it every night as she’s constantly running into walls and other Pokemon, causing it to pop out of place rather frequently.
The Frontal Paw Fix involves a deep cleaning of the Pokemon’s forepaws, which helps the muscles loosen up and prevents sprains. It sees use every other week or so. This seemed to be the best option, but there’s a slight problem.
Remember how I said they’re tangled up in each other?
Yeah, Aurora’s forepaws are under Spark. And I’m not really comfortable working on hind paws. Given the situation, I decided on the Quadruped Back Breaker.
It might merit mentioning in passing where/how Wind picked this up. Nothing too in-depth, but a passing mention is probably fair game. Since even if massages are a canonical part of Pokémon (or at least in mainline), there wasn't any real context given for how Wind knows this as an explorer. (Also, wouldn't he have logically used it or considered doing so on Spark sometime in Chapter 1 or 2?)
Using my aura, I located the area where her spine was most unnatural. Instead of immediately launching the back breaker, I took a moment to refresh myself.
Remember to use a series of precise yet gentle strikes along the back of the Pokemon. Stop if you feel bone to avoid causing any permanent damage to the Pokemon. Repeat four times or until the Pokemon’s back returns to its natural position.
Feeling confident that this would work, I prepared the first round of strikes. Launch. I felt her stir a little as her back shifted, but it wasn’t enough. Second round. There was a bit more movement here, but Aurora slumbered still. Third wave. This time, she woke up.
She looked around, a little groggy, a little confused, but she was awake. I let her take a few minutes to fully wake up, as well as untangle herself from Spark. As she worked to detach each tail from Spark’s unusually staticky fur, she looked at me questioningly. Even though I might dislike talking through telepathy telepathic communication, I decided it was the way for the best this time, so as to not wake Spark up.
You probably want to beat it over the audience's head
why telepathic communication is the better option. Namely since (presumably from the context) it can be directed instead of "anyone in the room can drop in" like normal speech.
Why did you wake me up instead of her? After that little incident yesterday, that would be the wiser option, no?
I have my suspicions about the real reason Spark exploded on me yesterday. However, I felt it best to understand you better, as a team member. I feel Spark would just get in the way right now. I hope you aren’t too mad at that reason, I thought back in response.
I understand perfectly. But there is something else you wanted to talk about.
[ ]
You know?
Yes. It was a perk of learning under Espan. He taught me 6 of the 7 forms of Crystal Magic. I can also see a more curious side of you at the current moment.
As an advisory, but you want to treat this telepathic conversation much like you would one in normal dialogue, which means stopping to inject some description every now and then to break things up.
Especially since Wind kinda wants to keep an eye on Spark to make sure his "Uhh... I can explain!
" moment from yesterday doesn't repeat itself.
[ ]
I see. So… about Lugia.
What about Lugia?
While we were down there, and I believe you mentioned this yesterday, but you called him master.
[ ]
You wish to inquire further details? I’m sorry, but even if we are team members that is something I still prefer to keep to myself. I'm not ready to provide further details right now.
Though same deal with breaking up the convo. I added some recommended points for injecting such paragraphs for you, which mostly correlate to places where the topic or mood visibly changes in the convo.
[ ]
I see. I shouldn’t be too surprised, I guess. We did just meet yesterday. Anyways, I had a question for you.
Another?
[ ]
Yes. I was hoping you’d be willing to teleport us off the island. It’s a particularly brutal winter, so the mountains are dangerous, even for a Lucario. And, well, Lugia’s tantrums mean that we can’t exactly sail around them either, I explained.
[ ]
I see. If that’s all you’re worried about, I think I can manage that. You can rest easy, Wind.
Ditto here, though I have to wonder what Wind's internal thought process about Aurora's hesitance to open up about Lugia is, since... it's not really revealed.
Aurora cut off the telepathic conversation after that. Even without reading her, she was still being quite secretive around us. Not unreasonable, I suppose. As I turned away to plan a route home, I couldn’t help but feel that Aurora may be the key to unlocking the secrets of the Crystal Continent…
And this Astrali… The book he wrote regarding the Temporal Crisis… Who were they? How did they hold this prophetic information? The answers I sought eluded me still.
Kinda an abrupt jump in topic there. It might make sense for him to look at his book and get reminded of it or something like that, since I don't think that quite follows from "Hmm... I wonder about that Crystal Continent".
Alright, overall thoughts:
Okay, so there's obviously a number of things that are kinda structural issues. But in spite of them, it's still a cute and charming premise, with some characters that are already fun from what we can see in the story. I think if you sat down and cleared some of those issues up, it'd really allow your story to shine better, since admittedly there's some parts that make it a bit confusing to follow.
I kinda recommend getting a beta reader that can look over your story from an outside-in perspective as an audience surrogate, since it'll help you gauge whether or not there's some parts explanation-wise that are missing a couple steps that might otherwise make perfect sense to you with internal knowledge as an author. Assuming your existing beta doesn't already do that anyways.
I... admittedly wasn't expecting this review to turn out as critical as it did, but I do want to reiterate that I still had fun with your story
@Sparkfire , warts and all. Though admittedly, I think that given that you know that much of these issues are in need of a fix, it probably makes sense to wait until you've had a chance to patch them up before give feedback beyond this point on a version of your story that you feel better captures your vision for it. Since I suspect that getting a wall of critiques you already know about and are working on fixing would probably get a bit old.
