Pokémon Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Instruments of Creation

[The Desert Cat]

Thanks!
Rewrote the dream in Chapter 3 based on your feedback, I think it's much more consistent with the later ones, now. I was thinking about shifting them all around to be in chronological order, but...that would put the 8.5k word dream in Chapter 16.5 in Chapter 3, and I feel like that may be too much to drop on readers right away.

Spoiler: Pen

Oh boy, I was planning to stick to my slow and steady two chapter at a time diet, but our main trio are being drawn together and things are heating up. I read chapters 7-10. Here are some thoughts.

The world. I'm really enjoying how much you've embraced your setting--this world isn't advanced. Pokemon have incredible abilities, but they lack scientific knowledge. They can teleport, but they can't tell universal time--or at least, they couldn't. This is also an unknown world. Tyranitar thinks their village is one of the largest in the world, but he can't know, because no one does. Maps have blanks. Knowledge is passed down, but it's fragmented. But was it always that way? The solar system door certainly suggests past knowledge. I'm also interested to see how Arcanine's knowledge will factor into all this. You've carefully highlighted that he's been read science fiction, shown his inclination towards math. Despite having been the thick-headed lug of Mewtwo's crew, he may be one of the most scientifically minded pokemon around now.

IoC is post-apocalyptic, I suppose, or more like post-post-post-apocalyptic. When you have Legendaries and other eldritch entities trying to destroy the world every Tuesday, they're bound to succeed every once in a while. There's a bit more on this later, but for our purposes, it's mostly enough that the world is a big, mysterious place.

The law. Arcanine's capture raises some troubling questions about what the law and its enforcement look like in this world. Zorua calls what the rescue teams did kidnapping, and she's not wrong. Arrest is just, in a sense, state-sanctioned kidnapping. The key lies in the legitimacy of the state sanctioning it. So far, I haven't seen much that makes this system appear legitimate. Who determines when bounties are placed? What happens to those captured? Is there any kind of legal system here, or does might basically make right? What do those rescue badges really stand for? At the moment, it seems like the most organized authority out there is this Federation. Do they set the rules, as well as enforce them?

A lot of readers seem to jump to the conclusion of the Federation as a government. That's not unreasonable, both because the games, especially Super, imply some overarching authority, and because readers have a cultural expectation that there must be one. In my anarchist manifesto, IoC, there really isn't. More on Treasure Town, Officer Magnezone, and how far his authority goes, later.

Heroes. Absol and Zorua was a delightful chapter. Every scene underscored how different the two are. Zorua is brash and irreverent where Absol is meek and deferential. Absol waits for instructions; Zorua charges forward on her own path. Absol tries to see the best in everyone she meets; Zorua often sees the worst. Absol is self-sacrificing; Zorua is selfish, not monstrously so, but mundanely so. Both are fundamentally motivated by the people they care about, but where Absol broadens and extends that community to encompass the larger world, Zorua, like Arcanine, restricts it to the people that are hers. But that can be powerful. I'm reminded of a Terry Pratchett quote, "Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!"

Somehow I've never read Pratchett. I probably should; I hear a lot of good things about his books.

Victims. I was pleasantly surprised by the Growlithe interlude. I like that you're fleshing out who lives in Pokemon Square beyond just the rescue teams. It also fits the emphasis so far on saving the world not being simple and direct like in stories. Here's a case where Team Mighty got the bad guy, but that doesn't retroactively heal Growlithe. Her struggle with loneliness and addiction is one that requires strength, but of a very different kind. And once again, companionship--banding together instead of staying apart--seems to be the suggested answer.

Growlithe was almost an accident. It started as a bit of filler, a delivery side quest for Absol, and kept growing. Wouldn't Absol try to check on her? They're both friends with Team Mighty, so they already have a connection - wouldn't Growlithe want some company? I mentioned Zorua's mom being an herbalist, wouldn't Zorua know something about this?
Now I have two unrelated Growlithe-line Pokemon with chronic injuries, and she's a major character.

The plot. Good stuff. I like how neatly the characters have become intertwined. Some threads I'm keeping an eye on--is Mewtwo here or was Mewtwo here at one point, searching for Arcanine? What are Easy and Gray? What happened to Team Go-Getters? Onwards!

I had to hide Team Go-Getters and Team Pokepals, because I had the idea early on that I didn't want to identify their species, because they're the reader's own team. Gengar had to go because Victory Fire did such a good job with him that I couldn't imagine anything else. Mewtwo and Team Easy/E.Z., well, we'll see.

The Desert Cat said:

“In Pokémon Square?” Tyranitar considered for a moment, “maybe three or four hundred, depending on how far out you count. There are houses scattered through the woods to the north and west, plus another forty or fifty traders and travelers, at any time.”

Oh wow, that's hardly any people at all! And like, considering how many rescue teams we've seen, it feels like about 10% of the town might be rescuers. I wonder why so few--do the pokemon just live very scattered? I'm getting the sense they don't have many children--there seem to be a lot of only children. Definitely a distinction between pokemon and irl animals.

With long lifespans, no war, and a high resistance to disease and injury, I figured they must have a low fertility rate to maintain such a small population.

The Desert Cat said:

She checked the bottle, found it empty, and laid it down between the rocks, where it could not roll down the hill and break, before starting back to the manor.

The Desert Cat said:

A flailing hoof caught Absol in the ribs as she stood, knocking her breath away. Rapidash and Jolteon were both limping.

The jump from one sentence to another felt abrupt here.

Yeah, that went from action-mode to not-action-mode pretty fast

The Desert Cat said:

Everyone had been doubtful when Natu predicted another snow; even the oldest Pokémon in Meadow Town could not remember seeing snow this late in the spring, but Natu was seldom wrong about the weather, and it appeared that he would be proven correct again.

So the cold is beginning everywhere.

^^

The Desert Cat said:

Arcanine tore another chunk off the roasted Sawsbuck and gulped it down.

Oh boy, what are the ethics of pokemon eating other pokemon that they can presumably talk to?

Depends on how hungry you are.

The Desert Cat said:

#For Pokémon, strength is an individual quality; when I say that I am stronger than you, I mean that if we battled, I would probably win. For Humans, strength is a collective quality, measured in how many other Humans and Pokémon one controls. A Human becomes stronger not by training, but by forcing others to serve him. For years, I did everything he demanded of me. Eventually I admitted that he had never cared about me. I believed that I had learned everything that I could from him, so I left, and returned to Cinnabar. I thought that it was over; we had battled, a battle of wills, and I had won. That it how a Pokémon would think, it it not?#
Arcanine nodded in agreement.
#Arcanine, what if I was wrong?#

This is a really interesting monologue. I wonder how that distinction carries over into PMD world. There's so much focus on teams, and now there's a federation organizing different towns. When Arcanine tries to egg Alakazam's team into a one-on-on fight later, they decline.

I guess there's something to be said for both kinds of strength.

The Desert Cat said:

“There’s somewhere else I want to stop first, too,” Zorua said, “Arcanine, we…we buried Treecko by the stream, where we used to play when we were little. I know you didn’t know him, but I want to show you.”

“I want to see it, too,” Arcanine said. He didn’t have any feelings about Treecko himself, having never known the Grass-type as anything but a sad, bloody body on the floor, but if it was important to Zorua, he wanted to be a part of the mourning for her sake.

I'm glad we aren't forgetting Treeko. Even though he's a character I never met, the fact that Zorua still cares about his death keeps that death feeling significant in the narrative.

Trying to retcon in some of Zorua's past.

The Desert Cat said:

“Zoroark,” Zorua whispered.

I didn't understand this. Does she use the evolved form name of her species like an invocation/curse?

She was identifying that it must be a Zoroark's ability. Maybe this needs some clarification.

The Desert Cat said:

The combined weight of the Mighyenas drove Arcanine to the ground. Arcanine prepared to unleash Heat Wave. Blastoise emerged from the bushes beside him, water cannons firing.

This reads as a bit mechanical. He did this. He did that. Maybe a bit more variation, like, "The combined weight of the mightyenas drove Arcanine to the ground. He clenched his teeth, preparing to unleash a heat wave. But just as the flame spiked in his chest, Blastoise emerged from the bushes beside him, water cannons firing."

Yeah, that needs some work.

The Desert Cat said:

There was a rumor that some super-powerful psychic no one had seen before was searching for him too.”

! of course my mind jumps to Mewtwo, but if it was Mewtwo it's hard for me to believe he would have failed, especially since the two are possibly psychically linked.

We'll see... Also, I can't believe I wrote 'super-powerful'. I'm gonna change that right now.

The Desert Cat said:

He couldn’t remember killing five Pokémon in Treasure Town; just those two Magnemites; they’d deserved it, though. Maybe that had been his mistake, running away instead of going back for the rest of them, just like he should have finished off Bayleef, rather than expecting the coward to be grateful for his rescue.

Oh boy. Arcanine, I don't think your big mistake was not slaughtering a whole town, though I can certainly see how that mindset might have arisen from his experiences; all of the pain he and Mewtwo suffered came, in a sense, from not being thorough enough in their destruction.

^^

The Desert Cat said:

As strange as it was, the sensation had a flavor, a feeling like dirty, silty water in the back of his throat.

Mm, I really like this sensory detail. It sounds appropriately unpleasant.

This is a real phenomenon. Some people experience a 'taste' immediately when they start receiving I.V. medications.

The Desert Cat said:

He says you walked all the way from Mount Freeze to warn us.

I like how this tale has already gotten warped and enlarged in the telling.

Oops. In the original version of Chapter 2, she did.

The Desert Cat said:

but she would have to give up something else, another move like Snarl or Dark Pulse for which she was better suited. Not permanently, of course; relearning a forgotten move was simple enough with a few days of practice, but it would make her less effective in a fight for now.

This feels a little video-game-y. Why would she have to give up another move, exactly? If it's simple enough to relearn a move by practice, can a pokemon that practices a lot of moves stay fresh on them all?

IoC has a four-move limit. I don't know why I did it that way – it wouldn't be my choice if I was starting now.

The Desert Cat said:

Half of the poles holding up the top of the dome were broken. Chunks of plaster were missing from the walls, and there was a large puddle under the missing ear. Everything smelled like mold and dust. A pile of tangled blankets and cushions lay on the floor under the intact ear, as far as possible from the leaking roof.

Is this basically the PMD equivalent of a frat house?

...yes. They're squatting. It's been abandoned since the end of Rescue Team, and Team Mighty aren't the sort to have it fixed.

The Desert Cat said:

“The main problems was timing the contacts,” Delphox continued, “without a standard way of keeping time between towns, and the change in time moving east or west, they had to make the contact windows two hours long. Most Pokémon didn’t have enough power for more than two or three contacts each day, so it would have taken a lot of Psychic-types to implement.”
Alakazam nodded in agreement.
“Metagross from Team Victory has invented a solution; he calls it a sand-glass. I don’t know how they work, but he claims they’re accurate to within half an hour each day. Once the Time Gears were replaced, no one had much interest in implementing the system, so they’ve been in storage for years.”

Ooh, super into communication and universal time telling being an important issue here, and nice to see practical steps being taken. So we're inventing hour glasses and rediscovering the solar system, huh?

Science!

The Desert Cat said:

“We would like to ask for your help as well, and permission to house the Pokémon Square sandglass and several more Federation Psychic-types in the manor.”

This felt like a weird place for the chapter to cut off.

Yeah. Alakazam ought to at least answer.

The Desert Cat said:

Obviously, kidnapping paid pretty well.

Oof. Love Zorua's internal snarking here. She is royally pissed off.

^^

The Desert Cat said:

Half an hour later, Metang and Beldum floated down to town, carrying an empty wooden crate between them.

I might have expected a little more comment on this. Is Zorua surprised or taken aback to see the pokemon from the cave here?

I need to go back and clarify that there's nothing unusual about Beldum, even if Zorua hasn't seen one before.

The Desert Cat said:

There was something not quite right about how Grey moved, Zorua thought as Team Easy passed them on the way to the exit. Something very familiar; a biped’s interpretation of how a quadruped should walk. Just like her mother, when she’d disguised herself as Sylveon.

Ah, so I was right! Fun to see how Zorua pegs this right away.

^^

The Desert Cat said:

We drug

* dragged (unless you want Zorua to come off as having a dialect accent here)

I remember considering this for a while. I would write 'dragged', but I would say 'drug'. Maybe it's a regional thing? Is 'drug' uncommon?

The Desert Cat said:

Zorua was only half listening, though, because she was already busy plotting. This was something really big, much more important than her and Arcanine and even a million Poké. The two of them had the information for which Team ACT had been searching for weeks, or at least she thought she could bluff that they did. Maybe this was going to be easier than she had expected.

I like that Zorua only latches on to the 'major catastrophe nigh' thing to the extent it might help her achieve her personal goals. She comes off as a selfish character--not in the pejorative sense of the term. It's just that when given a choice, she puts her own interests first. See asking Arcanine to save the town, even though it would endanger him. But that's not bad--most people are!

Yeah. She actually had it pretty good in Meadow Town, even if she doesn't know it, but she learned to look out for her own interests, too. But, she also would have gone back to Meadow Town to fight the Ice-types alone, if Arcanine hadn't changed his mind.

The Desert Cat said:

It was a simple request, but Growlithe’s voice was pleading and desperate. She absolutely hated having to ask for help, Zorua thought.

Not sure how Zorua's observation follows from the details given. If Growlithe sounded angry or disgusted while asking, or was averting her eyes, all of that would signal hating to ask for help to me, but asking something in a pleading voice doesn't.

I'll take another look at this.

The Desert Cat said:

“Growlithe, I’m sorry, but we need to talk, okay?”
Growlithe didn’t answer.
“My mother was an apothecary. I watched her make all kinds of potions for years. I wish I had paid more attention and learned from her when I had the chance, but I know enough to know that’s some really strong stuff, and the kind of dose you’re taking just isn’t safe.”

I hadn't paid much attention to Zorua's mom's job, so it was nice to see how it has influenced what she knows and how she reacts.

I totally planned this.

The Desert Cat said:

“Three years ago, I found an egg in Forgotten Woods. I’d never seen an egg in a mystery dungeon before; as far as we know, ferals don’t reproduce, so I took it with me. Pink hatched that night.”

Pink continued to groom, apparently totally unaware that she was now the subject of discussion.

“She didn’t look or act like a feral, but she wouldn’t talk, just ‘Eevee’ noises. I thought it might help if she heard other Pokémon talk, so I brought her here and read to her. I’m not sure how much she understood, but she enjoyed the pictures. This was one of the first things we read.”

That could explain Pink’s odd behavior, Absol thought. Pokémon who stayed too long in mystery dungeons began to lose their intelligence and sanity, and eventually went feral and became unable to leave. Sometimes Pokémon were rescued before going completely feral, but they never fully recovered.

Hm, the mystery with those two both clears up and thickens. So Gray probably took on her form to help her understand him/what normal is.

Bit of a different explanation for ferals here--this one makes more sense to me. I wonder how many ferals there are, then, if they don't reproduce. Paints a different picture than the earlier one of, let's go to mystery dungeons and beat everyone up. Pretty tragic.

Yeah. Unfortunately, this can't be a compete explanation for where ferals come from, either. There wouldn't be nearly enough, unless they don't age and have been accumulating for a long time.

 

[Pen]

11. Captive

This chapter hit hard. Arcanine's not able to run here, and that makes it a perfect time to really dig into his backstory and past. You paint a thorough portrait of his life on Mewtwo's island--I can see the family he's yearning for, and why he so easily opened his heart to Zorua. I'm appreciating how complicated you've made his relationship with Mewtwo. It's not the healthiest one, and this layer of 'he is my god' warps everything a bit, but at the same time, their bond, their stubborness, feels immensely real and bittersweet. I'm starting to hope that "super-powerful" (lol) psychic was in fact Mewtwo, because I want to see these two interact again. Initially I'd sort of assumed that Arcanine being a clone from the first movie was a premise, and nothing more, but I'm seeing now how integral that experience is to his story and some of the themes of the larger story. A throughline that tied the flashback and the overall chapter together for me was the idea of complacency. We start simple--Arcanine's complacency in his speed during training session. But that threads into his wider complacency about their safety on the island, one that is shattered by the attack, and finally, his complacency in this world, thinking that retaliation wouldn't come. That complacency feels central to Arcanine's character--he wants simple thing, companionship, exercise, rest. But the world keeps trying to take that away from him, and he's stubborn enough to fight back.

I absolutely loved the conversation between the captive pokemon. Prison is normally isolation, but here it creates community and presents the opportunity that Arcanine could communally piece together his past through other's memories. I feel the focus on storytelling strongly here. There's something cathartic in these pokemon having the chance to share why they're here, what happened. And I was so pleasantly surprised to see you digging straight into the messed up justice system (if it can even be called that) here. The diagnosis of how the Guild and Magnezone retain power by squelching competition and how it's the pokemon who know the system least who get hurt by it is brutal and completely checks out. I like that the pokemon world is not a pristine paradise--it's infected by the same greed that Arcanine was disgusted by when he watched human TV. I'm excited to see how you're going to explore all this more.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

edit: I forgot to mention this, but I'm not sure how Arcanine accidentally kills the magnemite with heat wave when you have to specifically break a pokemon's neck to kill them like you said with the snorunt. Seems like a sufficiently powerful attack can do the trick

from it’s base

* its

the high-density, flame retardant plastic, which half an hour ago had vaguely resembled a Human head and torso, melted and slumped a little more.

Oof, of course they have human targets. Those are the expected invaders.

#you barely beat Rapidash’s time, and only two seconds faster than Blastoise. You can do better.#

This gets explained a line later but I had a brief double-take, like what? That's one speedy blastoise!

Sometimes, though, it would have been nice to be able to complain in the privacy of his own mind.

Absolutely. Thought crime is creepy af.

The third target lifted from the ground. Was Mewtwo punishing him for resting?

Not cool, Mewtwo.

Arcanine glanced back to see him, the corners of his mouth turned up slightly in a suppressed grin; he wasn’t allowed to stall, then, but the others could on his behalf.

Love how his family has his back here.

Mewtwo was everything to him and the rest of the family; their father and mother, their teacher, their protector, their creator. He was a god, and a god had the right to make demands of his subjects.

Oh boy, that is not the healthiest mindset. A lot of power for one person to have, no matter how well meaning.

Fine, then, Arcanine thought; he couldn’t be angry at Mewtwo if Mewtwo was right. It was his own fault for being too proud.

This is such an Arcanine thought. He's very ready to accept blame.

When Arcanine stopped to look around again, it was dark, save the pale moonlight which shown in through the windows above. The ache in his left hindleg was suddenly an intense pain stabbing up his calf and thigh with each step. Several claws on his right forepaw were broken, leaving smears of blood on the floor, visible only as slightly darker patches in the dim light. He wondered how he had failed to notice earlier.

You really capture well that feeling of coming back to yourself after being carried away by focus or adrenaline.

*shone, not shown

“Arky, don’t be dense. If we weren’t here, we’d all still know you were down here hurting yourself because you’re too dumb to quit.”

Yu-up.

Arcanine had no energy left for anger; he was going on sheer stubbornness now. His fire was long since exhausted, and lifting a paw to strike the targets as he passed seemed like too much effort, so he simply walked into them, letting the mass of his shoulders push them over, then turned around and plodded back to the beginning to do it again.

This is so heart-breaking, and plodding is the perfect verb here.

The rest of the world wasn’t like that at all, he thought; the Humans they saw on television were always angry and hateful, arguing and fighting and killing each other while they poisoned themselves with drugs and dirty water and contaminated food and competed to outbreed each other in their filthy cities. Their Pokémon were servile and frightened and barely sapient. Occasionally some of the clones traveled down the mountain and watched the Human travelers at the hostels at either end of the road through the jungle. Even these, vacationers and researchers and climbers, were constantly bickering, and smelled of illness and anger.

Where is the lie, though?

#Enough, old friend.#

Mewtwo sounded exhausted, Arcanine thought, as if it had been Mewtwo instead of himself training all night.

#So am I. I think we’re both too stubborn for our own good.

This moment felt like a hard line to walk, but I felt like you nailed the way they both didn't act well here--Mewtwo by punishing Arcanine when it was unwarranted, and Arcanine by using that punishment to hurt himself in a way that, though he doesn't consciously think it, basically feels like he's saying "I'll do this until you come and tell me things are okay." It's immature in a fundamental way.

“Arky, you know how bad I want to evolve.”

Arcanine nodded

“But even if I never can, I’m still glad Mewtwo made me, and we’re all here together.”

This was a really interesting mini ethical question. I wish I understood better what evolution means for pokemon. If it's a developmental thing, like they can't become fully mature until they evolve, the question would seem a lot closer to me. That doesn't seem to be the case though, since we've seen unevolved pokemon treated like adults.

He liked thing the way they were. The family wasn’t perfect, the world wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good, and he didn’t want anything to change.

That's a big theme for Arcanine. All he really wants is to be comfortable.

Vaporeon leaned over to rest her head on Sandslash’s side.

This cut off a little abruptly.

The room smelled of damp concrete and urine and despair. Arcanine’s back felt as if he had a dozen sets of teeth clamped around his spine. There was an odd sensation of tingling numbness in his legs and paws, and his head pounded like he’d been focus punched by a Machop. Judging by the rotten taste in his mouth, Arcanine thought he’d been unconscious for a day or more.

The scene-setting was very nice here, especially coming after such an extended flashback. It placed me firmly back into the present.

He had been overconfident. He had been too long hiding in that cave, doing safe, easy dungeons, fighting mindless ferals. He should have been more careful. He should be there to protect them.

Complacency strikes again.

With enough force, everything broke, and with enough heat, everything melted or burned.

Mm, I like the phrasing here, and it does seem true to his experiences. Particularly the bombing of the island.

“Lycanroc and Glameow and I tried to open a shop without a license,” Electrike said.

uh-oh

help out new teams who couldn’t afford the Keckleon’s prices.”

UH OH

“Four Magnemites came by at lunch time. They demanded fifty thousand Poké for a ‘business license’. We though it was a joke or something; we weren’t in anyone’s territory. They came back the next morning, Magnezone and a dozen Magnemites, and attacked us. I tried to fight them so the others could get away; they couldn’t get close to me with Charge and Discharge. Lycanroc escaped, I think. I don’t know what happened to Glameow.”

This is sadly believable.

When I stepped through the door and everything went weird, had no idea what was happening. Found one, though, and brought it back.”

“You did Crystal Crossing alone?” a low, gravelly voice asked, “your first mystery dungeon?”

Lol, of course he did. Love Arcanine's blase narration here.

Oh, I’m Krokorok. I murdered someone.”

Amazing.

“I’m sorry,” Arcanine said, “I remember pulling a cart, but I don’t remember you. There’s a lot I don’t remember, I think.”

“It’s okay,” Zebstrike said, “I’ll always remember.”

He hadn’t thought about it before, but there were probably lots of Pokemon here in Treasure Town who each remembered a little bit about his early days here.

That's a beautiful thought! Communal knowledge, for the win!

He thought he could see what was happening, even if the others couldn’t. Electrike and the other innocent Pokémon seemed to suffer from some instinctual guilt, as if the fact that they were imprisoned meant that they must have done something wrong. They weren’t dumb, he thought, it was an instinctive bias. Pokémon were cooperative by nature, rather than manipulative, and it was easier to assume that they had done something wrong individually than that the whole town was wrong.

Mm, this whole analysis is strong, and in particular I like the last line. It's extremely difficult to go against what your community says.

They think they can get in on the action; they don’t understand that the Guild, and the licensed merchants, seem so successful because there’s no competition, and the prices are so high because Team Magnezone and the Guild are taking most of their revenue.

What about the invisible hand of the market??????

Loving the turn this has taken into economic and social analysis.

“The Pokemon who live here, they know the rules,” Krokorok continued, “most of them have some connection to the Guild, or the Kecleons, or Duskull, or one of the other licensed merchants. They’re okay with the situation, and they’re not going to risk themselves for outsiders.”

Yep, that checks out hard.

what was it’s purpose

*its

The airships had been circling the lake for hours, since just before dawn, like Mandibuzz waiting for someone to die.

Oof, strong image. Ominous, inevitable.

“Incoming!” Pikachu shouted from his perch atop Blastoise’s head, “use Protect!”

Too late. There was an awful screaming whistle and a deafening crack, felt more than heard, and the world went silent. Instantly the air around them was filled with dust and smoke, a thick yellow-brown cloud blinding him and stinging in his nostrils. Arcanine felt stinging impacts against his back and sides. It didn’t hurt much; it must have just been debris, he thought, rocks and dirt thrown up by the explosions.

I'm a bit skeptical about the fact they didn't put up protect barriers from the get-go? It's sure not like they trust humans. I feel like this would work better if they had barriers up, but the weapons shatter them.

The face was almost Vaporeon’s; the same face he had loved for fifteen years, but something was missing now; her smile, the sparkle in her eyes. Her shoulders and chest and forelegs were unrecognizable, caked in red-brown mud. Below that, there was nothing. A single muddy ribbon trailed back the way they had come, between Arcanine’s paws and out through the entrance behind him.

I really love how we end on the image of the mud trailing behind, it hammers home the feeling of loss in a way that's so tangible and poignant. Like he's looking back to try to find the moment he lost her, where she went from being Vaporeon to being a body. But he can't find that moment; there's just the muddy trail.

He and the others, the ones who were always in his dreams but whom he could never remember, were on a mountain, waiting for something. Great flying creatures came, attacking them with fire and steel from the sky. Were they Pokémon or machines? He didn’t know.

A gentle, blue-furred face looked up at him, bloodied and still in death. He focused on the face, trying to recognize...him? Her? Vaporeon, he thought. He knew it was someone he had loved, someone he would have given anything to protect, but he had failed.

These moments of Arcanine struggling so desperately to hold onto memories of his family are heartwrenching.

 

[The Desert Cat]

Spoiler: Pen

This chapter hit hard. Arcanine's not able to run here, and that makes it a perfect time to really dig into his backstory and past. You paint a thorough portrait of his life on Mewtwo's island--I can see the family he's yearning for, and why he so easily opened his heart to Zorua. I'm appreciating how complicated you've made his relationship with Mewtwo. It's not the healthiest one, and this layer of 'he is my god' warps everything a bit, but at the same time, their bond, their stubborness, feels immensely real and bittersweet. I'm starting to hope that "super-powerful" (lol) psychic was in fact Mewtwo, because I want to see these two interact again. Initially I'd sort of assumed that Arcanine being a clone from the first movie was a premise, and nothing more, but I'm seeing now how integral that experience is to his story and some of the themes of the larger story. A throughline that tied the flashback and the overall chapter together for me was the idea of complacency. We start simple--Arcanine's complacency in his speed during training session. But that threads into his wider complacency about their safety on the island, one that is shattered by the attack, and finally, his complacency in this world, thinking that retaliation wouldn't come. That complacency feels central to Arcanine's character--he wants simple thing, companionship, exercise, rest. But the world keeps trying to take that away from him, and he's stubborn enough to fight back.

Mewtwo’s relationship with the other clones was something I wanted to explore. The movies ignore it, since they're mostly from the human's perspectives. They've had to figure out their own system. They need to be more organized than wild Pokémon, if they want to live together and have access to human knowledge and technology, but they don't want to live like humans, either.

Mewtwo is simulaneously trying to shelter them, and prepare them for a fight with the humans, when he doesn't know what that fight will look like.

Arcanine and Mewtwo love each other. They all do. Arcanine can't see the big picture. He knows Mewtwo is involved in Human stuff off the island, but he doesn't know what, or why it's important. Mewtwo may have unrealistic expectations - he wants the other clones to be like him, but knows they can't.

Mewtwo’s feelings about Giovanni are complicated, and he can't just kill him, even though he knows he should.

And yes, we'll be seeing a lot more of Mewtwo.

I absolutely loved the conversation between the captive pokemon. Prison is normally isolation, but here it creates community and presents the opportunity that Arcanine could communally piece together his past through other's memories. I feel the focus on storytelling strongly here. There's something cathartic in these pokemon having the chance to share why they're here, what happened. And I was so pleasantly surprised to see you digging straight into the messed up justice system (if it can even be called that) here. The diagnosis of how the Guild and Magnezone retain power by squelching competition and how it's the pokemon who know the system least who get hurt by it is brutal and completely checks out. I like that the pokemon world is not a pristine paradise--it's infected by the same greed that Arcanine was disgusted by when he watched human TV. I'm excited to see how you're going to explore all this more.

When I played Explorers, I figured there had to be some shady stuff going on if the guild could take 90% of everyone's pay, and the other teams didn't just leave to start their own guild. Plus, I needed a contrast for the almost-absence of government in Pokemon Square.

I'm not going to try to label these types of governments, because I think people are bringing their own political biases, and I've heard a few different opinions.

We'll revisit Team Magnezone a little in future chapters, but not as much as I'd like. Saving the rest of the world took priority.


the high-density, flame retardant plastic, which half an hour ago had vaguely resembled a Human head and torso, melted and slumped a little more.

Oof, of course they have human targets. Those are the expected invaders.

They're probably also readily available. But yes.

The rest of the world wasn’t like that at all, he thought; the Humans they saw on television were always angry and hateful, arguing and fighting and killing each other while they poisoned themselves with drugs and dirty water and contaminated food and competed to outbreed each other in their filthy cities. Their Pokémon were servile and frightened and barely sapient. Occasionally some of the clones traveled down the mountain and watched the Human travelers at the hostels at either end of the road through the jungle. Even these, vacationers and researchers and climbers, were constantly bickering, and smelled of illness and anger.

Where is the lie, though?

^^

#Enough, old friend.#

Mewtwo sounded exhausted, Arcanine thought, as if it had been Mewtwo instead of himself training all night.

#So am I. I think we’re both too stubborn for our own good.

This moment felt like a hard line to walk, but I felt like you nailed the way they both didn't act well here--Mewtwo by punishing Arcanine when it was unwarranted, and Arcanine by using that punishment to hurt himself in a way that, though he doesn't consciously think it, basically feels like he's saying "I'll do this until you come and tell me things are okay." It's immature in a fundamental way.

This. All the Twos are probably each the strongest member of their species in the world, but they're all somewhat immature. Even Mewtwo hasn't experienced much outside of training to battle, and a lot of reading.

“Arky, you know how bad I want to evolve.”

“But even if I never can, I’m still glad Mewtwo made me, and we’re all here together.”

This was a really interesting mini ethical question. I wish I understood better what evolution means for pokemon. If it's a developmental thing, like they can't become fully mature until they evolve, the question would seem a lot closer to me. That doesn't seem to be the case though, since we've seen unevolved pokemon treated like adults.

I didn't want to tie evolution to maturity - there's too much variation in how Pokémon evolve. The whole system is a mess. In the PMD world, any Pokémon mature enough to take care of himself is basically an adult.

Still, for most species, evolution is an obvious upgrade, so they're going to choose to do it eventually. And the clones are very competitive – they'd choose a stronger form, even if it had other disadvantages

He had been overconfident. He had been too long hiding in that cave, doing safe, easy dungeons, fighting mindless ferals. He should have been more careful. He should be there to protect them.

Complacency strikes again.

^^

They think they can get in on the action; they don’t understand that the Guild, and the licensed merchants, seem so successful because there’s no competition, and the prices are so high because Team Magnezone and the Guild are taking most of their revenue.

What about the invisible hand of the market?????

Loving the turn this has taken into economic and social analysis.

Gotta have a market to have the hand. The State is setting the prices in Treasure Town

“Incoming!” Pikachu shouted from his perch atop Blastoise’s head, “use Protect!”

Too late. There was an awful screaming whistle and a deafening crack, felt more than heard, and the world went silent. Instantly the air around them was filled with dust and smoke, a thick yellow-brown cloud blinding him and stinging in his nostrils. Arcanine felt stinging impacts against his back and sides. It didn’t hurt much; it must have just been debris, he thought, rocks and dirt thrown up by the explosions.

Click to expand...I'm a bit skeptical about the fact they didn't put up protect barriers from the get-go? It's sure not like they trust humans. I feel like this would work better if they had barriers up, but the weapons shatter them.

Naiveté, I guess; they've seen war movies, but they weren’t really expecting the humans to shell the island, especially not while Mewtwo is out negotiating with them. Maintaining barriers for hours would have been difficult, and they only had seconds between the flashes and the impacts to figure out what was happening.

The situation is also fundamentally different from the arena type of fighting that they've trained for their whole lives. They expected the humans to come down and challenge them.

 

[windskull]

I reaaaallly need to get caught up on your fic. Right now though, I'm just going to be covering chapter 13 for Catnip.

I like that Arcanine can pick up on a psychic intrusion on his mind. To me that gives me at least one of two implications, and possibly both:

1. That being around someone as strong as Mewtwo has gotten him used to what a psychic pokemon feels like.

2. That psychic pokemon generally can be detected and repelled, which helps keep them from being overpowered in comparison to other pokemon types.

That said, I have a sneaking suspicion from the little hints dropped in this scene that the pokemon he sensed was Mewtwo, trying to get in contact with him. Curious to see how that resolves.

“Team Arcanine’s Harem?” Zorua suggested.

Zorua no.

“Normally, it’s twenty thousand Poké for a badge,” Delphox said, “and five thousand a year to maintain your registration. Most teams also buy rescue insurance; you pay as much as you want at the beginning of the year, and if you badge for rescue that year, we guarantee a reward of ten times that amount to the team who rescues you.”

Oooh, is this an explanation for how rescue rewards work? I like it!

The rest of the room stared at him in surprise, and his fear was confirmed. Everyone expected a miracle solution, and none of them had considered the problem of how to keep everyone alive in the meantime.

“We...hadn’t really considered all that,” Alakazam admitted, “we were expecting a solution before it became necessary.”

Personal preference, but I kind of think these two particular paragraphs would feel more logical in reverse.

Something I noticed here that I don't think I noticed before: you have a very specific style for Arcanine's dialogue. His sentences tend to be short and to the point, dropping out words that might not be necessary to get the point across, such as "I" or "it." Suits his character.

He needed to find someone to make a saddle when they got back to Pokemon Square, he though.

*thought

Her legs collapsed as the white-hot electricity flowed agonizingly through her body and the damp floor beneath her paws, and she caught a brief whiff of her own burning fur before the world went dark.

I had a bit of trouble parsing this particular sentence. I think it would do well to be broke into two, and I don't think you need "agonizingly" in it, or else feel like it could be restructured so that agonizing isn't used as an adverb. Either of these would make the meaning more clear.

“So it’s a question of history,” Espeon suggested, “what date is important for the artefact?”

I think it should be

"So it's a question of history," Espeon suggested. "What date is important to the artifact?"

Oooh boy I'm really curious about what was up with Absol's dream. I feel like it might just be something that I'm forgetting from an earlier chapter (maybe I should go back and reread the early chapters. That would be a good idea since it's been over a year since I last read), but it definitely strikes me as someone reaching out to her. Darkrai specifically. Curious.

Man. I really missed this fic, and have left it waiting for too long. As always, you've done a lovely job of making the pokemon feel animalistic, but also getting across how a society with creatures with different body and mobility types (some being bipedal, some quadrupedal, some having the means to write while others don't, etc) would believably function. Hopefully, sometime in the near future, I'll be able to catch up on the rest of the fic.

 

[The Desert Cat]

Thanks!

Spoiler: Windskull

I like that Arcanine can pick up on a psychic intrusion on his mind. To me that gives me at least one of two implications, and possibly both:

1. That being around someone as strong as Mewtwo has gotten him used to what a psychic pokemon feels like.

2. That psychic pokemon generally can be detected and repelled, which helps keep them from being overpowered in comparison to other pokemon types.

I imagine it's something that everyone can do, depending on how strong they are, and how alert the target is. And Arcanine has a lot of experience with Psychics.

That said, I have a sneaking suspicion from the little hints dropped in this scene that the pokemon he sensed was Mewtwo, trying to get in contact with him. Curious to see how that resolves.

There's a pretty high probability that you're right.

“Normally, it’s twenty thousand Poké for a badge,” Delphox said, “and five thousand a year to maintain your registration. Most teams also buy rescue insurance; you pay as much as you want at the beginning of the year, and if you badge for rescue that year, we guarantee a reward of ten times that amount to the team who rescues you.”

Oooh, is this an explanation for how rescue rewards work? I like it!

Yeah. That money has to come from somewhere.

Something I noticed here that I don't think I noticed before: you have a very specific style for Arcanine's dialogue. His sentences tend to be short and to the point, dropping out words that might not be necessary to get the point across, such as "I" or "it." Suits his character.

I don't think I really started doing this until Chapter 8. It fits him well.

Her legs collapsed as the white-hot electricity flowed agonizingly through her body and the damp floor beneath her paws, and she caught a brief whiff of her own burning fur before the world went dark.

I had a bit of trouble parsing this particular sentence. I think it would do well to be broke into two, and I don't think you need "agonizingly" in it, or else feel like it could be restructured so that agonizing isn't used as an adverb. Either of these would make the meaning more clear.

“So it’s a question of history,” Espeon suggested, “what date is important for the artefact?”

I think it should be

"So it's a question of history," Espeon suggested. "What date is important to the artifact?"

Thanks. I'll take a look at these.

Oooh boy I'm really curious about what was up with Absol's dream. I feel like it might just be something that I'm forgetting from an earlier chapter (maybe I should go back and reread the early chapters. That would be a good idea since it's been over a year since I last read), but it definitely strikes me as someone reaching out to her. Darkrai specifically. Curious.

I'm not going to say it is or isn't related to her dream in Chapter 2. It's not really referencing anything else that's happened. Also, that's a good guess.

 

[Pen]

12. Three in Pokemon Square

This chapter felt a little logistical and transitional. There's a lot of moving from place to place and reexplaining things. Arcanine's flashbacks here seemed a bit disconnected with the rest of the chapter, since we don't spend most of this chapter with him, and the content of the flashback--Mewtwo making the choice to surrender--doesn't really thematically parallel the non flashback scenes.

I share Alakazam's surprise and suspicion that Magnezone gave in so easily. He must have something up his sleeve--er, up his circuitry. Hopefully it won't come back to bite everyone later.

My favorite part of this chapter was Zorua's discussion with Arcanine at the end about what it means for something to be his problem. Arcanine only cares about problems when he cares about people. It's very hard for him to be invested in something abstract like "the whole world will freeze if we don't stop it" when the people asking for his help are people he dislikes. I enjoyed the way Zorua unpacked that attitude, tying the abstraction to particular pokemon.

The cliffhanger, as it were, at the end felt a bit contrived to me. It seems odd that the rescue teams would let Arcanine run off like that and be so que sera sera about whether Arcanine will decide to help. They've gone through a lot of effort to get him there, he's still technically a criminal--why would they be so loose with him, especially when he's weakened? I do like this unease you've brought up on Zorua's part about how well she really knows Arcanine, but to a reader, it's pretty clear that he's going to come along.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

“that’s all I’ve got left.”

Typo, uncapitalized.

These had large plastic shields which they held in front of them as they advanced, weapons firing.

I'm pretty baffled by the fact that none of the humans seem to be using pokemon in this attack. Why don't they have pokemon of their own to lift protect shields and attack back with? Throwing humans into a pokemon fight just seems silly on the human's part.

They couldn’t keep going like this very long, he thought; he was still weak from his earlier injuries, and he couldn’t keep Protect up much longer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“You can still escape,” Pikachu said,

The scene break here felt a bit abrupt and the subsequent scene therefore felt like it was floating without context.

That’s great!” Absol said.

Missing quotation mark.

“Especially since they know he can’t pay.” Tyranitar added.

Should be a comma.

“Maybe he wants to help?” Absol suggested, “surely he understands how important this is.”

“Maybe he wants to help?” Absol suggested. “Surely he understands how important this is.”

Zorua, still disguised as Poochyena

If we're in Absol's head, how does she know that?

She hadn’t thought about it this way before, but she realized that, despite trusting him with her life, she really didn’t know much about him at all. Alakazam took another bite, pretending not to be staring at her.

Ah, now we're with Zorua.

It was nice to have a friend closer to her own level of experience to confide with.

*confide in

“And now you’re in Pokémon Square, saving the world again,” Poochyena said, “that’s quite a coincidence.”

“And now you’re in Pokémon Square, saving the world again,” Poochyena said. “That’s quite a coincidence.”

Zorua was slightly disappointed that Absol had reacted so nonchalantly to her revelation. It would have been such a great opportunity for a prank, too. She could have been something huge and scary, just for a second…that would have been a poor way to use the trust she had built here. That sort of behavior was why Pokémon back in Meadow Town didn’t trust her, and she wasn’t going to be like that any more.

We hop back to Zorua here.

Nice to see her internalizing a lesson, though!

“Well,” Umbreon said, “we’re not sure.”

I like this transition. Understated, but effective.

Absol turned to face Tyranitar, Espeon, and Umbreon, and sat down.

“Is she alright?” Tyranitar asked quietly.

“She’s Team Mighty’s friend,” Absol said, explaining the situation briefly, “I invited her to stay with us here while they’re away. I’m sorry, I didn’t expect she’d walk here herself.”

“That’s okay,” Tyranitar said, “she obviously shouldn’t be living up there alone in that condition, but I’d feel better if one of you two keeps an eye on her while she’s in the manor.”

“Where does Absol sleep?” Growlithe asked.

This is a bit confusing--Growlithe and Zorua go off, then this convo happens, then without a break we're suddenly back with Growlithe.

All five bottles were there, each very carefully wrapped in rags which smelled like they’d been part of Team Mighty’s bedding. It must have taken Growlithe hours to do such a neat job without hands

Staring at Zorua, she lifted the bottle and took a long, deliberate draught. She replaced the stopper, placed the bottle back in the bag, and lay down with her back against one of Absol’s cushions.

Since the previous paragraph made a big deal of how difficult it is to handle bottles without hands, my first reaction here was to wonder how Growlithe is lifting and drinking from a bottle.

“Absol…there’s no way that happened on accident in a fight. Someone did that to her on purpose.”

Oof. Yeah, there's definitely a story here.

Something in it’s circuitry

* its

Charizard grinned down at her. “Definitely tea. No one can fight while drinking tea, and I picked up a larger kettle yesterday, now that we have so many people staying with us.”

So wholesome

“He’s ag-greed to help us with the w-weather problem,” Absol said. She realized as she said it that Arcanine hadn’t yet agreed to anything, but it seemed like a minor distinction; surely he would, once they’d explained the situation.

Little head-hop here.

was still starting stiff-legged at the door

*staring

“Owe you nothing!” he snarled, “won’t hide this time. Hunt me, I’ll hunt you.”

“Owe you nothing!” he snarled. “Won’t hide this time. Hunt me, I’ll hunt you.”

but he was still Intimidating when he was angry.

Intimidating being capitalized is very jarring.

“He was cooperating,” Zorua growled, “he wants to help, he just has to do it on his own terms.”

“He was cooperating,” Zorua growled. “He wants to help, he just has to do it on his own terms.”

“I’ll find him when he calms down,” Zorua said, “we’re going to need our bag back, and you can arrange a Teleport to Meadow Town tomorrow.”

“I’ll find him when he calms down,” Zorua said. “We’re going to need our bag back, and you can arrange a Teleport to Meadow Town tomorrow.”

“He’s running a protection racket. Most of the Pokémon there didn’t hurt anyone; they were competing with the guild, or the merchants. He keeps them locked up alone in the dark, with barely enough food, till they go crazy, then dumps them in the wilderness.”

“Arcanine…that’s awful, but why is that your problem, but this isn’t?”

Arcanine considered for several minutes. Why did he care so much? Zorua waited patiently, leaning against his side “Never got to see any of them, but we could talk through the doors. Some of them are good Pokémon. Some aren’t. When I was in that cell, didn’t matter, we were all family. Pokémon here…They cheered and laughed when Alakazam paraded me through town. Don’t want to help them.”

Really interesting back and forth here.

 

[The Desert Cat]

Thanks.

I'm working on the next chapter. I really am. Very, very slowly.

Spoiler: Pen

This chapter felt a little logistical and transitional. There's a lot of moving from place to place and reexplaining things. Arcanine's flashbacks here seemed a bit disconnected with the rest of the chapter, since we don't spend most of this chapter with him, and the content of the flashback--Mewtwo making the choice to surrender--doesn't really thematically parallel the non flashback scenes.

Yeah, this chapter and some of the next few chapters have that problem. The dream was here mostly because it's sequel to the dream in the previous chapter.

I share Alakazam's surprise and suspicion that Magnezone gave in so easily. He must have something up his sleeve--er, up his circuitry. Hopefully it won't come back to bite everyone later.

My favorite part of this chapter was Zorua's discussion with Arcanine at the end about what it means for something to be his problem. Arcanine only cares about problems when he cares about people. It's very hard for him to be invested in something abstract like "the whole world will freeze if we don't stop it" when the people asking for his help are people he dislikes. I enjoyed the way Zorua unpacked that attitude, tying the abstraction to particular pokemon.

The cliffhanger, as it were, at the end felt a bit contrived to me. It seems odd that the rescue teams would let Arcanine run off like that and be so que sera sera about whether Arcanine will decide to help. They've gone through a lot of effort to get him there, he's still technically a criminal--why would they be so loose with him, especially when he's weakened? I do like this unease you've brought up on Zorua's part about how well she really knows Arcanine, but to a reader, it's pretty clear that he's going to come along.

Zorua is pretty smart. Well, all three of them are, even if they don't always use it. Of course Arcanine will come back - there's not much opportunity for suspense here any more. For Team ACT letting him leave - I had intended to have more distrust between them initially, but it didn't come out that way. Also, now that the situation has been explained further, I think they trust Zorua and Absol more than Magnezone.

I'm pretty baffled by the fact that none of the humans seem to be using pokemon in this attack. Why don't they have pokemon of their own to lift protect shields and attack back with? Throwing humans into a pokemon fight just seems silly on the human's part.

There's not a good reason, really. I just didn't want to write another Pokemon battle.

This is a bit confusing--Growlithe and Zorua go off, then this convo happens, then without a break we're suddenly back with Growlithe.

Yeah, I think I need a scene break here.

Since the previous paragraph made a big deal of how difficult it is to handle bottles without hands, my first reaction here was to wonder how Growlithe is lifting and drinking from a bottle.

Very carefully?

Intimidating being capitalized is very jarring.

Yeah. I'm not really satisfied with how I've incorporated moves and abilties, and I'd probably do it differently now.

 

[Pen]

13. Return to Creepy Tunnel

Progress is being made, though no breakthrough yet. I like the emphasis being placed on collaborative problem-solving and non-violent resolution. Arcanine's spoiling for a fight with Bayleef, but it ends up not being necessary, because he and Zorua have gotten the right people on their side. I think the journey through Creepy Tunnel could have been condensed--the fight felt a bit perfunctory. The chapter really picked up for me once they were in front of the pictures and trying to analyze them. I appreciated Zorua's bluntly pragmatic approach to the wall. Why do we have to track down some special artifact instead of making a replica in the right shape? Why can't we just bust through? Even if these aren't the answers, I'm glad she's asking the questions. The sequence with Absol and her mysterious dream pokemon was very tense. Between the nightmares and the cyan eyes, I'm tempted to say Darkrai, but there are plenty of cyan-eyed pokemon--Yveltal qualifies too. I didn't get the impression that the pokemon meant ill-will. It seemed to be trying to help her. It was nice for Absol to get a chance to shine in waking everyone up from their nightmares. She shows some real quick-thinking, and it makes a nice reminder that being able to win battles is not the only important skill in this team. Zorua, Arcanine, and Zorua in general compliment each other's talents and shortcomings well.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

Now that she was close, Zorua could smell blood; Arcanine’s, both fresh and dried, and several other species, dried.

I like the understated way this is put.

He wrapped a foreleg around Zorua, pulling her close; his injured leg.

This isn't really how semicolons are used. Semicolons connect two independent clauses, usually ones that are parallel in some way.

He ignored the pain; pain was the consequence of making poor choices, and he had plenty of experience with making poor choices.

Heh, well, he's self-aware at least.

Arcanine felt a subtle psychic touch at the edge of his mind. Without much thought, he pushed it away.

Oh, I guess he's used to feeling psychic touches from his time with Mewtwo?

A week and a half ago, she’d been ready to venture into Creepy Tunnel without so much as a light, but since then she’d faced down Team ACT on her own and gotten them recruited for what was probably the single most important job in the world right now. Anyway, Creepy Tunnel was easy; all they really needed was a light.

I like how Arcanine's thoughts always tend to revert to practicalities.

There were other things he’d been thinking about on the way back too, but now didn’t seem like the time to discuss them; later with Team ACT and the others, who were in a better position to address his concerns.

Again, semicolons are not meant to string fragments together.

You could say, "There were other things he’d been thinking about on the way back too, but now didn’t seem like the time to discuss them. He could do that later with Team ACT and the others, who were in a better position to address his concerns."

Then, her whole body began to glow with a pale, silver light. It flowed out, moving more like fog than light, surrounding the three of them.

I like the physicality of the moonlight attack.

“Thank you,” Arcanine said.

“Thank you,” Absol answered excitedly, “this is the first time I’ve gotten it to work without Umbreon’s help.”

The reciprocity is nice here, and the recognition that giving other people the opportunity to help you can sometimes be a service to them.

there were too many Pokémon he didn’t know in the manor, too many strange scents, and only one door.

Nicely phrased. I like the ominousness of ending on "only one door." Arcanine still thinks in terms of exits.

A faint body-scent lingered in the courtyard when Arcanine emerged. It seemed strangely familiar, but he couldn’t identify what species of Pokémon it belonged to. With the breeze and fresh snow, it wouldn’t have lingered for long; someone had been there, he thought, just now while he had been inside.

Hmmm. Watching this space.

“Team Fluffy?” Zorua tried again.

“That’s good,” Arcanine agreed, “no one will overestimate Team Fluffy. Could be Team Naptime.”

Zorua groaned.

They could be Team Cuddles. The teasing here feels very natural and fun.

Most teams also buy rescue insurance; you pay as much as you want at the beginning of the year, and if you badge for rescue that year, we guarantee a reward of ten times that amount to the team who rescues you.”

Ooh, yes, that makes sense. Nice to see a rationale behind rescue badges.

Arcanine shook his head. “You’ve barely begun solving this. How long to find all the fragments? Learn what they do? Can we survive that long if it keeps getting colder? How much food stored? How long will it last? How much firewood? How will you deal with all the refugees? Probably hundreds of thousands of Pokémon in the wild who don’t know what’s happening, and when they get cold and hungry and scared enough, they’ll head to towns looking for help. What about displaced locals? Some of those houses outside town are barely standing and won’t take a significant snow load. The post-and-wattle houses like Aromatisse’s won’t be practical to heat. What about defense? Start bringing Orrery Fragments here, Pokemon Square is a target; do you know what forces they have?”

The rest of the room stared at him in surprise, and his fear was confirmed. Everyone expected a miracle solution, and none of them had considered the problem of how to keep everyone alive in the meantime.

Nice deconstruction of the fantasy's genre's expectation of miracle cures.

“There are a lot of Pokémon in town who want to help, but they don’t know how. They need someone to lead them; someone everyone respects.”

Everyone else in the room was looking at Alakazam too. He shook his head. “We’re just a rescue team. Anyway, this isn’t Treasure Town; no one will take orders from anyone.”

“You don’t need to give orders,” Absol said, “just explain what needs to be done and Pokemon will volunteer, just like all the teams who have been helping us.”

The difference between authority and leadership.

“No,” Luxray said firmly, “whatever happens, nothing can happen to Bayleef. It would destroy Meadow Town.”

“Why?”

Luxray sighed. “Lucario, can you?”

“Zorua, Pokemon in Meadow Town don’t like change. Bayleef’s family is one of the oldest in town. They’ve been record-keepers and managed the winter stores, and one of them has been mayor for as long as anyone can remember. Until two weeks ago, Meadow Town was safe and boring and predictable, and Bayleef’s family is credited with that stability, even if most of them are incompetent. Luxray and Gurdurr’s families are old, too. Gurdurr’s family built most of the town, and several of Luxray’s ancestors are credited with heroic victories against bandits.”

“That’s neat,” Zorua interrupted, “but why does it matter?”

“I know you never cared much for history, but it’s important. Pokemon will follow Luxray as long as they feel threatened because most of them are basically cowards, and they think Luxray will protect them. They all believe that, eventually, life will go back to normal. Bayleef represents normal; threaten Bayleef, you threaten their way of life.”

“A rather cynical summary, but yes,” Luxray agreed.

Reminds me of a Pratchett quote: "They think they want good government and justice for all, Vimes, yet what is it they really crave, deep in their hearts? Only that things go on as normal and tomorrow is pretty much like today."

“That’s quite a story,” Servine said eventually, “almost as good as the time you got Shinx lost in the forest, and convinced her she was in the mystery dungeon, or when you told everyone the Ghost-types kidnapped Chikorita.”

“Or when you stole Braixen’s orb collection disguised as Timburr,” Chikorita added.

Oof. I like how Zorua's past actions continue to bite her.

“Is this all of them?” Arcanine asked. He hoped that Espeon was watching Bayleef’s thoughts. Forcing him to answer the question, to make a conscious decision between lying and telling the truth, would make it easier for her to determine his honesty.

A cool tidbit, and another moment of Arcanine being very knowledgeable about how psychic stuff works.

It was the friendly silence of companions who didn’t have much to say rather that the awkward silence of Pokémon who didn’t want to speak to each other, but it still made Absol uncomfortable, and her thoughts kept wandering to the coming night and her freezing horn.

Don't think you have to spell out the alternative, could just say: "It was the friendly silence of companions who didn’t have much to say, but it still made Absol uncomfortable, and her thoughts kept wandering to the coming night and her freezing horn."

Finally, the tunnel entrance was in sight. Absol sprinted toward it, tripping on the corners of her blanket as she ran. Arcanine kept pace, worried that she would go too far and enter the mystery dungeon on accident. Her fear eased as soon as she entered the tunnel and could no longer see the darkening sky overhead.

Just flagging that we head-hop here from Absol to Arcanine back to Absol in a single paragraph.

with, he though;

* thought

Team Arcana curled up together on the other side of the tunnel and began to groom each other. Zorua watched for a while, eyes half-closed. It was obvious that the two of them were more than just siblings. They were fortunate, she thought, to have such a close relationship, and a shared interest.

Is this incest, or . . ?

Discharge it’s stored power

* its

the tips of it’s gears

* its

It’s small Gear Ground

* its

of it’s now

* its

keep it’s attention

* its

shot at it’s rear.

* its

as it’s Gears Ground

* its

from it’s attack.

* its

The room looked almost the same as they had left it a week ago, except that the puddles had dried.

The scene-setting here is simple, but effective.

Each altar seemed to be trying to tell a story, Arcanine thought, and each one contained a scene of massive destruction; a cometary impact, continental scale vulcanism, a world baked to desert in the rays of a much-too-large sun, a planet shattered by a massive asteroid. The way that the scenes wrapped, he couldn’t tell whether each disaster was intended to be the end of its story, or the beginning, but each one filled him with a sense of dread.

Oof, that's not ominous at all.

understand it’s scale;

* its

jokes. before her

* Before

We’ve always been good friends, but I felt like I had to be her father as well...it was uncomfortable for both of us. This last month or so, it’s like she’s finally decided to grow up.

Not sure I get why her immaturity meant he was somehow acting as her father. Or the idea that her finding a male mate somehow relieves him of this position.

“Lodge in Meadow Town, when you told me not to hit Froslass; why?”

“She used a Ghost-types move, Destiny Bond. If you’d hit her, it would have knocked you both out.”

“Thank you.”

I never understood why this was a big deal when it happened, and I'm not sure why it's coming up again. Is there some deep significance to this I'm missing?

His fingers wrapped around Arcanine’s ears and dug into the soft spots at the back. It felt wonderful, Arcanine thought. Before long, they were both asleep.

All the cuddles.

Arceus’ Spurs should have been beside it, and Mew’s Tail over there, but she couldn’t find them.

Love the constellation names.

His voice wasn’t unfriendly, but there was something dark and cold and utterly alien in it.

Ooh. Nice.

She sat on Espeon’s chest to keep her still and braced her head with one forepaw while she forced the claws on her other forepaw between Espeon’s teeth and pried her jaws open.

Absol’s claws left bloody gouges in Espeon’s lips and gums, but that wasn’t important now. She pushed her teeth between Espeon’s and spat the chewed Berry into her mouth, then pushed her jaws closed and licked her lips and throat until she swallowed.

Somehow this felt more desperate and gruesome than any of the combat scenes this chapter--nice job.

Zorua brushed against Lucario’s leg as they walked. He was too tall, now, to conveniently scratch her ears like he would have before, but that was okay; she knew he was thinking the same thing.

Aww.

. There were dozens of crates of Berries and Apples in the basement of the Lodge that he had helped pick and slice and dry and pack, but would never get to help eat. They were never again going to huddle under a blanket in front of the fire to tell stories through the long winter nights, or lose battling Riolu two to one, or make a game of who could fill a basket of berries the fastest.

Treeko 💔 I'm glad we're not forgetting.

 

[The Desert Cat]

Spoiler: Pen

Those semicolons keep kicking my ass. Also 'its' and it's'. Thanks.

Progress is being made, though no breakthrough yet. I like the emphasis being placed on collaborative problem-solving and non-violent resolution. Arcanine's spoiling for a fight with Bayleef, but it ends up not being necessary, because he and Zorua have gotten the right people on their side. I think the journey through Creepy Tunnel could have been condensed--the fight felt a bit perfunctory. The chapter really picked up for me once they were in front of the pictures and trying to analyze them. I appreciated Zorua's bluntly pragmatic approach to the wall. Why do we have to track down some special artifact instead of making a replica in the right shape? Why can't we just bust through? Even if these aren't the answers, I'm glad she's asking the questions. The sequence with Absol and her mysterious dream pokemon was very tense. Between the nightmares and the cyan eyes, I'm tempted to say Darkrai, but there are plenty of cyan-eyed pokemon--Yveltal qualifies too. I didn't get the impression that the pokemon meant ill-will. It seemed to be trying to help her. It was nice for Absol to get a chance to shine in waking everyone up from their nightmares. She shows some real quick-thinking, and it makes a nice reminder that being able to win battles is not the only important skill in this team. Zorua, Arcanine, and Zorua in general compliment each other's talents and shortcomings well.

The fight in Creepy Tunnel wasn’t very interesting. I guess I felt obligated to have one, since they're in a dungeon. I don't know.
Zorua doesn't have time for that shit! They do end up using at least part of one of her ideas.
Good guesses, and we'll find out who she dreamed about soon enough

Arcanine felt a subtle psychic touch at the edge of his mind. Without much thought, he pushed it away.

Oh, I guess he's used to feeling psychic touches from his time with Mewtwo?

Yeah.

Then, her whole body began to glow with a pale, silver light. It flowed out, moving more like fog than light, surrounding the three of them.

I like the physicality of the moonlight attack.

I feel like the move just fits Absol perfectly - even if she can't legitimately learn it.

“There are a lot of Pokémon in town who want to help, but they don’t know how. They need someone to lead them; someone everyone respects.”

Everyone else in the room was looking at Alakazam too. He shook his head. “We’re just a rescue team. Anyway, this isn’t Treasure Town; no one will take orders from anyone.”

“You don’t need to give orders,” Absol said, “just explain what needs to be done and Pokemon will volunteer, just like all the teams who have been helping us.”

The difference between authority and leadership.

This is (hopefully) an important theme in IoC.

“No,” Luxray said firmly, “whatever happens, nothing can happen to Bayleef. It would destroy Meadow Town.”

“Why?”

Luxray sighed. “Lucario, can you?”

“Zorua, Pokemon in Meadow Town don’t like change. Bayleef’s family is one of the oldest in town. They’ve been record-keepers and managed the winter stores, and one of them has been mayor for as long as anyone can remember. Until two weeks ago, Meadow Town was safe and boring and predictable, and Bayleef’s family is credited with that stability, even if most of them are incompetent. Luxray and Gurdurr’s families are old, too. Gurdurr’s family built most of the town, and several of Luxray’s ancestors are credited with heroic victories against bandits.”

“That’s neat,” Zorua interrupted, “but why does it matter?”

“I know you never cared much for history, but it’s important. Pokemon will follow Luxray as long as they feel threatened because most of them are basically cowards, and they think Luxray will protect them. They all believe that, eventually, life will go back to normal. Bayleef represents normal; threaten Bayleef, you threaten their way of life.”

“A rather cynical summary, but yes,” Luxray agreed.

Reminds me of a Pratchett quote: "They think they want good government and justice for all, Vimes, yet what is it they really crave, deep in their hearts? Only that things go on as normal and tomorrow is pretty much like today."

Normalcy bias is a dangerous thing.

Team Arcana curled up together on the other side of the tunnel and began to groom each other. Zorua watched for a while, eyes half-closed. It was obvious that the two of them were more than just siblings. They were fortunate, she thought, to have such a close relationship, and a shared interest.

Is this incest, or . . ?

Yes - they're supposed to be the Magnagate team from Gates

We’ve always been good friends, but I felt like I had to be her father as well...it was uncomfortable for both of us. This last month or so, it’s like she’s finally decided to grow up.

Not sure I get why her immaturity meant he was somehow acting as her father. Or the idea that her finding a male mate somehow relieves him of this position.

Zorua and Lucario are about the same age, but Lucario is more reaponsible/mature. They've grown up playing and working together.
Since Zorua's mother died, Lucario feels like he needs to protect Zorua and encourage her to get along with others and restrain her from doing stupid things. So, he's been looking after her, but Zorua hasn't been reciprocating that care until now.
It's not Arcanine's presence that changes things; it's that Zorua is acting more responsibly now.

“Lodge in Meadow Town, when you told me not to hit Froslass; why?”

“She used a Ghost-types move, Destiny Bond. If you’d hit her, it would have knocked you both out.”

“Thank you.”

I never understood why this was a big deal when it happened, and I'm not sure why it's coming up again. Is there some deep significance to this I'm missing?

I probably emphasised this too much in chapter 5. I guess I wanted to show that Arcanine was used to fighting with commands, which wouldn't be a common thing here. Also that he immediately recognizes Riolu's competence and doesn't feel the need to ask why. He's curious now, though, what Riolu saw that he didn’t.

 

[kintsugi]

hiya! Zion sent me here for Review Blitz (a bit delayed on that front; apologies), so I got to return to this fic again! I'm here for just chapter 2 at the moment, although I thought it was quite lovely and it did remind me that I thought this fic was quite nice (and that for some reason it slipped my radar), so I should be stopping in more frequently than I have been.

This one definitely feels self-contained compared to chapter 1, and yet related to it--the locale is different, the main characters are different, and the stakes are different. I remember chapter 1 as being a lovely story about weary outcasts learning to trust; this one is about a well-loved individual leaving her home behind to protect it. The duality here is really nice, though, and it still feels like they're part of the same world but just born in different places in it. I think my favorite bits were just the miscellaneous details of the sights Absol and Lapras saw when they were traveling, the bits of food and gifts that they packed, the little bits of lore about the absol on the mountain and Ninetales' immortality. The world in this chapter felt really ancient and wide, but because it's being viewed from Absol's eyes we get to see it in little contained pieces as she learns about quaint topics such as how wine is made, money vs bartering, and the duty that an impending apocalypse has thrust upon her. The pieces fit together nicely, and small details like the comfort she derives from the specific wool blankets, or how she knows that the night isn't actually as cold as she feels because of how her parents sleep outstretched on either side of her, make this chapter feel so real and grounded even though the central theme is about horrifying supernatural doom.

I was also so happy to see, just, an absol with friends and doubts and also friends who assure her through her doubts? It's not something I realize I wanted from fanfic, but I think the stereotypical role of absol in pokefic is to be a sad outcast who can never meaningfully participate in society because the burden of their knowledge/destiny is too great and protect the people who hate you or whatever—and it's just so nice to see Sylveon being concerned here, or Absol feeling the need to apologize to her friends (because she cares about them too!), or the rest of the inhabitants of Frosty Forest treating Absol with respect and taking her seriously! I get that further from their natural haunts, like in Bay Town, that goodwill might fade a little, but the image of Braixen just bringing wine and being friendly is so sweet haha. I love how the side characters so far in this fic have just been generally helpful and friendly--it gives the plot room to develop organically if the main conflict isn't coming from the first four NPC's the protagonists meet, lol. And Absol herself seems young, uncertain about herself, nervous about what this vision will do to her status, but she's willing to do what it takes. I was kind of reminded of Princess Mononoke--you cannot change fate; however, you can rise to meet it. if you so choose--there's a sense of duty and obligation being thrust on Absol, and it's tragic that it's falling on someone so young, but when the time comes, she doesn't flinch from it.

I know Absol calls her mother, Mother, but what do the rest of the inhabitants of Frosty Forest call her? Is she also Absol?

Lapras, goodness, is such a good friend. I love the imagery of his raft, how he's well-known in this world, how you portray his weariness in the storm and how he, like Absol, still does what he thinks is right.

She knew he must be tired. He knew that she was cold and seasick and scared. They both knew a storm was coming. Politeness was the ritual by which hundreds of different species of Pokémon lived together mostly in peace and cooperation, and all of their troubles made it more important, not less.

This line was really lovely to me and sums up what I enjoyed about this chapter--they aren't unaware of the suffering of others; it's the knowledge of that suffering that drives them to action. The world (or at least the one that Absol knows) gets so well-established in this chapter, specifically in how she interacts with others and what they expect from one another. I think it would've been really easy to just write Absol off as coming from a peaceful utopia and slapping in some sentences saying that, we eat apples that we share blah blah blah, but I love the ways in which you chose to show the effects of that peaceful/cooperative world instead.

some small notes on a line-by-line basis, although it's worth noting that I generally found the story pretty entrancing + the prose pretty smooth, and a lot cleaner than how I remembered the first chapter.

Spoiler

Purrloin raised her head and yawned, her lack of motion indicating that she wasn’t playing right now.

"raised her head" and "lack of motion" felt incongruous to me

The temperature was dropping quickly, and before she reached Frosty Forest, the rain had already turned to hail The hail battered down the flowers around her as she ran

Dropped a period.

“The ledge outside is warm from the sun. Will you come lay with me and tell me about it?”

I thought this was so sweet, and very good mothering.

The old legends say that in the distant past, the First One and his children fought, and their wrath shook the very stars and planets from their courses...

Curious to see if this will come up again! Mythos is always fun, especially in a world where the myths might be real.

Absol set her bag, Sylveon’s ‘lucky’ bag, down, pulled open the drawstring

I'd maybe rephrase this a little--as it is, it looks like it's a list (she set her bag down, and then she set Sylveon's lucky bag down):
> Absol set her new bag—Sylveon's 'lucky' bag—down, pulled open the drawstring
or maybe it could be more simplistic (since we could presumably remember it was a gift:
> Absol set down Sylveon's 'lucky' bag

“Not tonight,” Ninetales said of the wine, “you’ll want that to help you sleep on the way.

I think this one would read grammatically better as:
> "Not tonight," Ninetales said of the wine. "You'll want that to help you sleep on the way."
because the dialogue is "Not tonight. You'll want that to help you sleep on the way" (two separate sentences) and not "Not tonight, you'll want that to help you sleep on the way".

(this was one that popped up a few times but I didn't flag all of them.

The warmth from the flames drove back the chill from her horn, and for the first time since she’d awakened in the meadow, she wasn’t shivering. “Thank you”

Dropped a period here

“I’m fine!” Absol called back.

This is the only line of dialogue she has post-vision that doesn't have her stammering aggressively

The wood hut sounded like a great idea, Absol though, but it was going to be Lapras pulling the raft, not her, so she didn’t say anything.

“You should offer to pay him,” Lapras prompted

I thought this exchange was very sweet. Also, dropped a period after "prompted"

“Ah, you’re awake,” The voice came from across the room, high-pitched and motherly, “you had me worried, darling. You seemed so uncomfortable, but I couldn’t find anything wrong with you.”

“Just c-cold.” Absol answered from under the blanket.

“Hullo!” She called.

The punctuation on these got a little weird:
> "Ah, you're awake." The voice came from across the room, high-pitched and motherly. "You had me worried, darling."
> "Just c-cold," Absol answered from under the blanket.
> "Hullo!" she called.

Lovely read here; I had a great time!

 

[The Desert Cat]

Thank you!

Spoiler: Kintsugi

hiya! Zion sent me here for Review Blitz (a bit delayed on that front; apologies), so I got to return to this fic again! I'm here for just chapter 2 at the moment, although I thought it was quite lovely and it did remind me that I thought this fic was quite nice (and that for some reason it slipped my radar), so I should be stopping in more frequently than I have been.

This one definitely feels self-contained compared to chapter 1, and yet related to it--the locale is different, the main characters are different, and the stakes are different. I remember chapter 1 as being a lovely story about weary outcasts learning to trust; this one is about a well-loved individual leaving her home behind to protect it. The duality here is really nice, though, and it still feels like they're part of the same world but just born in different places in it. I think my favorite bits were just the miscellaneous details of the sights Absol and Lapras saw when they were traveling, the bits of food and gifts that they packed, the little bits of lore about the absol on the mountain and Ninetales' immortality. The world in this chapter felt really ancient and wide, but because it's being viewed from Absol's eyes we get to see it in little contained pieces as she learns about quaint topics such as how wine is made, money vs bartering, and the duty that an impending apocalypse has thrust upon her. The pieces fit together nicely, and small details like the comfort she derives from the specific wool blankets, or how she knows that the night isn't actually as cold as she feels because of how her parents sleep outstretched on either side of her, make this chapter feel so real and grounded even though the central theme is about horrifying supernatural doom.

Chapter 1 was awfully short and vague, and I wanted to make up for that here. I think I had a much clearer idea of what I wanted the world to be like.

I was also so happy to see, just, an absol with friends and doubts and also friends who assure her through her doubts? It's not something I realize I wanted from fanfic, but I think the stereotypical role of absol in pokefic is to be a sad outcast who can never meaningfully participate in society because the burden of their knowledge/destiny is too great and protect the people who hate you or whatever—and it's just so nice to see Sylveon being concerned here, or Absol feeling the need to apologize to her friends (because she cares about them too!), or the rest of the inhabitants of Frosty Forest treating Absol with respect and taking her seriously! I get that further from their natural haunts, like in Bay Town, that goodwill might fade a little, but the image of Braixen just bringing wine and being friendly is so sweet haha.

It took me a long time to figure out what I was doing with Absol. I think I had 4-5 Arcanine/Zorua chapters written before I started the second chapter from Absol's perspective. This chapter was almost entirely rewritten, too. Absol was more distant and cold in the original version, and so were her parents. These scenes with Absol and friends having fun or just talking are a lot of fun to write.

I love how the side characters so far in this fic have just been generally helpful and friendly--it gives the plot room to develop organically if the main conflict isn't coming from the first four NPC's the protagonists meet, lol. And Absol herself seems young, uncertain about herself, nervous about what this vision will do to her status, but she's willing to do what it takes. I was kind of reminded of Princess Mononoke--you cannot change fate; however, you can rise to meet it. if you so choose--there's a sense of duty and obligation being thrust on Absol, and it's tragic that it's falling on someone so young, but when the time comes, she doesn't flinch from it.

Yes! Absol is naive and young, but she already has some firm ideas about how the world works, or how it should work, and she's willing to fight for that.

I know Absol calls her mother, Mother, but what do the rest of the inhabitants of Frosty Forest call her? Is she also Absol?

Probably 'your mother' if they're talking to younger-Absol, and just 'Absol' the rest of the time, unless there might be confusion.

Lapras, goodness, is such a good friend. I love the imagery of his raft, how he's well-known in this world, how you portray his weariness in the storm and how he, like Absol, still does what he thinks is right.

This line was really lovely to me and sums up what I enjoyed about this chapter--they aren't unaware of the suffering of others; it's the knowledge of that suffering that drives them to action. The world (or at least the one that Absol knows) gets so well-established in this chapter, specifically in how she interacts with others and what they expect from one another. I think it would've been really easy to just write Absol off as coming from a peaceful utopia and slapping in some sentences saying that, we eat apples that we share blah blah blah, but I love the ways in which you chose to show the effects of that peaceful/cooperative world instead.

I've given them a pretty hospitable world - most of the time, when Legendaries or other eldritch entities aren't trying to destroy it. Still, peace isn't something that happens by chance. It's something that they all have to work for and maintain.

some small notes on a line-by-line basis, although it's worth noting that I generally found the story pretty entrancing + the prose pretty smooth, and a lot cleaner than how I remembered the first chapter.

This chapter is actually about a year newer than chapter 1. I still don't feel like I know what I'm doing, but I think I've improved a bit since then.

"raised her head" and "lack of motion" felt incongruous to me

Dropped a period.

I thought this was so sweet, and very good mothering.

Curious to see if this will come up again! Mythos is always fun, especially in a world where the myths might be real.

I'd maybe rephrase this a little--as it is, it looks like it's a list (she set her bag down, and then she set Sylveon's lucky bag down):
> Absol set her new bag—Sylveon's 'lucky' bag—down, pulled open the drawstring
or maybe it could be more simplistic (since we could presumably remember it was a gift:
> Absol set down Sylveon's 'lucky' bag

I think this one would read grammatically better as:
> "Not tonight," Ninetales said of the wine. "You'll want that to help you sleep on the way."
because the dialogue is "Not tonight. You'll want that to help you sleep on the way" (two separate sentences) and not "Not tonight, you'll want that to help you sleep on the way".

(this was one that popped up a few times but I didn't flag all of them.

Dropped a period here

This is the only line of dialogue she has post-vision that doesn't have her stammering aggressively

I thought this exchange was very sweet. Also, dropped a period after "prompted"


The punctuation on these got a little weird:
> "Ah, you're awake." The voice came from across the room, high-pitched and motherly. "You had me worried, darling."
> "Just c-cold," Absol answered from under the blanket.
> "Hullo!" she called.

Thanks for the corrections!

 

[Pen]

14. The Stranger

* Reads title * Gee, I wonder who that could possible be?

Feels like things are really getting underway with Mewtwo making an appearance. He's being very mysterious--I guess that's his perogative as a trench-coat psychic type, and I like that Zorua is not here for it. You do a nice job showing how Arcanine feels drawn to and comfortable with Mewtwo despite not remembering. It's fun to have a more competent character in the room and yay, I guessed correctly re Darkrai! I'm team misunderstood dark-types, so I'm going to believe that his motives aren't nefarious until events prove me wrong.

Lot of open communication and sharing in this chapter. I like pairing of the Zorua-Lucario-Shinx scene with the scene where Zorua encourages Absol to join her and Arcanine, and then Arcanine and Zorua encouraging her to join Team Mighty. Especially with Zorua, it shows the strength of her relationship with Arcanine that she doesn't feel threatened by Absol. I did think the opening logistics could have been cut down a bit, since the important part was the Luxray dinner; same goes for the sports scene, where all the important conversations were afterwards. This was another chapter where the headhopping made it a bit hard to follow along, but I won't harp on that since you're aware.

Big reveal that the human world is going through the same thing. It's interesting that human world is able to diagnose the problem well, but maybe only pokeworld can solve it--perhaps through their better ability to resolve conflict and work in groups?

Spoiler: line-by-lines

That wasn’t fair, Zorua thought; beside Lucario was her spot.

Aw, I feel for her here.

“I should probably go apologize to Fluffy too, huh,” Zorua said eventually.

“I think you should,” Lucario said, “it’s not going to fix everything, but it’s a good start.”

Maturity! We love to see it. I also appreciate you cutting it off here--the important part is Zorua deciding to apologize, we don't actually have to see it.

He was sure that he recognized it, but when he tried to recall where he might have smelled it before, all of his memories ended in the same place, like an impenetrable wall in his mind in the mountains outside Treasure Town.

This sentence tripped me up a bit. I think it's the double ins.

Maybe, [He was sure that he recognized it, but when he tried to recall where he might have smelled it before, his memories just brought him back to the mountains outside Treasure Town.]

He could compromise with himself, he thought, and just dislike Alakazam.

Hah! Arcanine POV always surprises me with these understated bits of humor.

Delphox looked to Arcanine for approval, and Arcanine looked to Zorua, who seemed to have forgotten again that she was team leader.

“What?” Zorua realized that everyone was waiting for her answer.

Classic Zorua. Schemes to become team leader; totally forgets she's team leader.

It shouldn’t be difficult, he thought; it had been easy enough to tell in Magnezone’s prison, but there he’d only had the walls and darkness watching him. He lay in front of the stove, staring into the flames which flickered under Charizard’s teapot, and imagined that he was alone in the room.

I liked the callback to Magnezone's prison. It's interesting seeing the different ways people act when they tell stories.

What sort of Pokémon lived so long that even the stars were nearly unrecognizable? Surely, it must have been one of the great legendaries she had seen in her vision. How wise must he be after all those millennia?

Uh oh, this feels like she's building him up in her mind and he's going to turn out to be something not great and wise.

“You don’t have to keep me warm. I don’t want to take your spot with Arcanine.”

Zorua yawned and rubbed her face against Absol’s shoulder. “Are you comfortable there? ‘Cause I’m comfortable here.”

Aw, good job, Zorua. No jealousy.

It seemed a strange question, but it was a strange conversation, so Arcanine stopped to consider it anyway.

This lines is really nice.

Mewtwo seemed like a very intelligent Pokémon, he though,

*thought

#Now you’re awake, may we join you in the library?#

“Um, yeah,” Zorua answered, “everyone else does, but first we’re going to eat and stuff.” She looked to Arcanine. “You coming, big guy?”

“Who is that?” Zorua demanded again as soon as the door closed behind them.

I was confused by what happens here. It sounded from what Mewtwo said like he was going with them, but Zorua's remark sounds like Mewtwo has left them alone?

“I’m Dark-type...” Absol began. It was an easy objection and didn’t require her to make a decision.

Mewtwo held up a hand, and removed a narrow gold band from one finger. #This is a Ring Target,# he said, holding out toward her, #as long as you hold it, you can be affected by Psychic-type moves. Set it down, and you will break our contact immediately.#

Absol had not expected her objection to be overcome so easily, and now she was faced with a decision again. She looked around the room, searching for consensus in everyone’s faces.

“Well, I don’t trust him,” Zorua said bluntly, “it’s way to convenient for him to just show up with all the answers, and why won’t he tell us about Arcanine?”

Arcanine looked away from Absol’s gaze, unwilling to offer an opinion.

This sequence showcases everyone's different personalities really well. I like Absol going for a practicality objection in order to avoid deciding.

Ninetales in your dream was Darkrai.

Called it.

someone you really care about.

Zorua saw

Missing quotation marks

#Arcanine, it’s not just here, it’s there too. I’ve stared at these numbers every day for the last two months. In the Human world, we have a very precise measurement of what is wrong, but no understanding of why, or what to do.#

Ooooh, the plot thickens.

 

[The Desert Cat]

Thanks!

There are more chapters coming, some day.

Spoiler: Pens

* Reads title * Gee, I wonder who that could possible be?

- Hopefully no one is surprised by now!

Feels like things are really getting underway with Mewtwo making an appearance. He's being very mysterious--I guess that's his perogative as a trench-coat psychic type, and I like that Zorua is not here for it. You do a nice job showing how Arcanine feels drawn to and comfortable with Mewtwo despite not remembering. It's fun to have a more competent character in the room and yay, I guessed correctly re Darkrai! I'm team misunderstood dark-types, so I'm going to believe that his motives aren't nefarious until events prove me wrong.

- I didn't plan on having good Dark-types, specifically. Dark has some cool Pokémon, and it just worked out that way. And yes, after a slow start, we're finally going to start solving some problems.

Lot of open communication and sharing in this chapter. I like pairing of the Zorua-Lucario-Shinx scene with the scene where Zorua encourages Absol to join her and Arcanine, and then Arcanine and Zorua encouraging her to join Team Mighty. Especially with Zorua, it shows the strength of her relationship with Arcanine that she doesn't feel threatened by Absol.

- I wanted to show that Zorua is interacting with people differently now, but there's still some baggage from her past mistakes. It's also an extension of the theme of sharing / cooperation. Arcanine and Zorua trust the Mightyenas to take care of Absol, and Zorua trusts that Arcanine can care about both of them. It's not a situation you would see very often in real life - most people just aren't that trustworthy - but this is a fundamentally different society.

I did think the opening logistics could have been cut down a bit, since the important part was the Luxray dinner; same goes for the sports scene, where all the important conversations were afterwards.

- I think I did that a lot in these few chapters. All that stuff seemed relevant as I was writing it, but some of it could have been cut out.

Big reveal that the human world is going through the same thing. It's interesting that human world is able to diagnose the problem well, but maybe only pokeworld can solve it--perhaps through their better ability to resolve conflict and work in groups?

- The PMD world has the tools to solve it, and the Human world doesn't. But, as Mewtwo and Arcanine will discuss later, someone chose to leave those tools where Pokémon would find them.

He was sure that he recognized it, but when he tried to recall where he might have smelled it before, all of his memories ended in the same place, like an impenetrable wall in his mind in the mountains outside Treasure Town.

This sentence tripped me up a bit. I think it's the double ins.

Maybe, [He was sure that he recognized it, but when he tried to recall where he might have smelled it before, his memories just brought him back to the mountains outside Treasure Town.]

- That is an awkward sentence. I'll take another look at it.

He could compromise with himself, he thought, and just dislike Alakazam.

Hah! Arcanine POV always surprises me with these understated bits of humor.

- Arcanine is a little bit crazy, but I think he's self-aware enough to know he's crazy

What sort of Pokémon lived so long that even the stars were nearly unrecognizable? Surely, it must have been one of the great legendaries she had seen in her vision. How wise must he be after all those millennia?

Uh oh, this feels like she's building him up in her mind and he's going to turn out to be something not great and wise.

- ^^ We'll see what Mewtwo thinks about the legendaries here in a bit.

#Now you’re awake, may we join you in the library?#
“Um, yeah,” Zorua answered, “everyone else does, but first we’re going to eat and stuff.” She looked to Arcanine. “You coming, big guy?”
“Who is that?” Zorua demanded again as soon as the door closed behind them.

I was confused by what happens here. It sounded from what Mewtwo said like he was going with them, but Zorua's remark sounds like Mewtwo has left them alone?

- I'm not quite sure what I intended there either.

“I’m Dark-type...” Absol began. It was an easy objection and didn’t require her to make a decision.
Mewtwo held up a hand, and removed a narrow gold band from one finger. #This is a Ring Target,# he said, holding out toward her, #as long as you hold it, you can be affected by Psychic-type moves. Set it down, and you will break our contact immediately.#
Absol had not expected her objection to be overcome so easily, and now she was faced with a decision again. She looked around the room, searching for consensus in everyone’s faces.
“Well, I don’t trust him,” Zorua said bluntly, “it’s way to convenient for him to just show up with all the answers, and why won’t he tell us about Arcanine?”
Arcanine looked away from Absol’s gaze, unwilling to offer an opinion.

This sequence showcases everyone's different personalities really well. I like Absol going for a practicality objection in order to avoid deciding.

- Yeah. It's a reasonable request, and she doesn't want to refuse, but she's not really comfortable with it, either.

Ninetales in your dream was Darkrai.

Called it.

^^

 

[windskull]

Hey Desert. It's been a while but I recently decided to get caught up on your fic. Or mostly caught up, at least. I read up through the end of book one, and I'll be reviewing the remainder of this book before covering a few points on book one overall.

14
I can't remember if they were in the last chapter - or if I've covered this subject before, for that matter, but I noticed that the two Shinx twins have nicknames to distinguish them. This isn't the first time this has come up - as we have Pink and Grey. But situations where there are multiple of the same pokemon seem to be the only times where pokemon don't just use their species names. And in cases where they do like here, they tend to be pretty simplistic, descriptive names. And Ithink that says a lot about pokemon culture in your fic, and it's something Ifind neat. It also makes the one situation where that's not done - the Mightyena trio - stick out and makes the fact that they don't differentiate from each other notable. But again, it makes sense within the context of the story - they're sort of a package deal, after all.

I have a vague recollection that an incedent between Zorua and one of the Shinxes happened a while back. So in a sense, I'm not surpprised that there seems to be some rivalry and jealousy between them.

And we finally (I think?) got confirmation of Zorua's age. I feel like I remember Absol's being mentioned at some point. And I'm pretty sure it confirmed that pokemon don't age at human speed. (Which is what I expect unless otherwise stated but it's still nice to see confirmed and compare.)

I think it's nice that we get to see confirmation that the pokemon of the square are going to work together to prepare. And for that matter, I like that we're getting confirmation that they ARE preparing. It's one of those things that you just don't see gone into that often. And even then, certainly not in this much detail.I appreciate getting to see it. It's something that helps this feel more grounded and fall closer into the sci-fi/sci-fantasy vibes it feels like you're going for.

Anyways, yaaay, Mewtwo is here.Admitedly, he's here sooner than I expected, but I can't say he's unwelcome. There's a certain charm to him. A bit of tragedy, too. Just as much, if not moreso than than Arcanine.

As a note, a few times throughout the chapters I read, I noticed some instances of "though" and "thought" getting mixed up.

Very excited to see how the stuff with Darkrai pans out and what role they have in the story (yeah I'm a big Darkrai fan, don't @ me)

It's interesting that this is an issue that's affecting the human world, too. I do kind of wonder if that's a side we're going to see at some point,since it's become relevant. And it makes me a bit more curious about the ice type pokemon. Are they also setting things in motion in the human world? Or is what's happening in th ehuman world a side-effect of what's going on here? You might have explained it at some point, but I can't remember.


15
You know, I never really thought of pokemon having socks, but I don't see why they couldn't. I guess it surpprised me a little bit that the watchog understood what he was talking about. But it's such a minor thing that it's not really worth dwelling on. Just an observation.

I do like that we get a bit of a peek into how the economics of their society functions in the tailor scene, by the way. Makes it feel a bit more important. It seems like it's generally capitalisitic, but with communities providing a bit more help to each other's business if needed. It makes the town feel a bit more tight-knit.

We also get a bit more knowledge about Absol's history here. And I'm finding myself wondering if she's really going to end up going back at the end, or if there's something that's going to cause her to stay. Who knows? I could easily see it going either way.

Hm... I noticed Mewtwo corrected himself when he started to say they settled on a mountain. My suspicion is that he's trying to not accidently trigger any memories or influence Arcanine in that way, similar to how he doesn't want to accidently influence absol's memories.

Even though it wasn't as intense as some of the earlier cutscenes, this flashback scene was rough. Just. Seeing the aftermath hit pretty hard. The feeling of losing someone - a lot of someones - close to you suddenly grusomely... no wonder Vulpix is so messed up. And I mean, the others are too to some extent, but still. Ouch.


16
I continue to feel bad for Growlithe and wonder when the bandits that caused her injury are going to come into play. Because like, it definitely feels like that's going to come up at some point.

With regards to Wigglytuff's guild... I'm actually kind of surprised that they hadn't done anything about [the team that harrassed bidoof], all things considered. Did Chatot just... not care? Or did they have some sort of... "agreement" with the guild or Magnezone? The way thing shook out with Arcanine, I wouldn't be TOO surprised, but... I dunno.

Not gonna lie. It's a bit wild the things that the clones have managed to do in the last five years. In a good way, though.

While I don't have a lot specific to say about this chapter, I really did like it. It's a very character-focused chapter and lets us learn a bit more about each of the main cast and how they move forward.


16.5
This is another chapter that I don't have a lot of specific thoughts for. But I did find it interesting. It was a fun little character study, in a way. It lets us see how Arcanine used to be (and still is for the most part). But more importantly (imo), it lets us learn more about how Mewtwo used to be. And I like comparing that to how he is now. He was a lot more... well. Uncaring isn't the right word. Distant, maybe? He's still distant, sure, but at the point that this chapter happens he felt more like a leader or a boss than a family member. Which I suppose makes sense, considering he's referred to as "master" in this chapter. I don't think he in later memories, iirc.

I do really like how this resolved, with them making their own rules and whatnot. Gives me warm feelings.


17
Once again, I'm in love with how animalisitic you manage to make your pokemon. It makes them feel like they're not just people in animal suits and I really appreciate it. Even Mewtwo, a pokemon that I would excpect to have closer to human behaviors, displays animal characteristics in this chapter. Most notably, sniffing Fennekin.

The fact that human technology was there is interesting to say the least. Iwonder if there's anyone that could provide information on that, because it certainly feels relevant. The Mew of the human world maybe? Or perhaps some other legendary pokemon. They seem like the only ones that might be old enough to remember.

You know, I have a feeling that whatever Zorua's mom was hiding from is going to become relevant at some point. I mean, I just don't figure it would even be mentioned if it isn't. Mmmm, so many moving parts that I'm looking forward to seing rear its ugly head, likely at an inopertune time.

I'm glad we got the resolution with Zorua's home. It's a pretty nice bookend for her starting to move on as we get near the end of the first book.


18
I'll be honest, I'm kind of surprised that Pokepals came back. Obviously, the're not the heroes of this story, but with them missing at the beginning I kind of expected them to not show up, and for their disappearence to be related.

Similar to what I said about Zorua moving on, it's kinda neat to get to see Zura getting a leadership role. It helps her feel relevant to the plot.

I don't know how to put it into words, but I really liked the wagon scene.


Okay, now that I'm done with book one, here's some overall thoughts. I really enjoyed it as usual! I love the animalistic style of the story and I love the realistic and sci-fi elements that make the world feel grounded.

But there are a couple of things I have some quibbles on. The first is that I felt like the book ended a bit abruptly. Though I think it's mostly the final scene that I had issue with. It felt like it just cut off a few paragraphs too soon.

The other thing is that I wish that dungeon sickness was better explained. To be fair, I think it's a poorly understood thing in-fiction. But with the limited understanding, it makes Team Mighty's ailment feel a little out of left field. Maybe if it had been a little better established beforehand?

But outside of those two things, I don't really have any significant issues with the story. And I'm looking forward to reading more of it!

 

[The Desert Cat]

Spoiler: Windskull

Thanks for such a detailed review!
I really need to get caught up on PWCH, too. I haven't been getting nearly as much reading and writing done as I should.



14

I can't remember if they were in the last chapter - or if I've covered this subject before, for that matter, but I noticed that the two Shinx twins have nicknames to distinguish them. This isn't the first time this has come up - as we have Pink and Grey. But situations where there are multiple of the same pokemon seem to be the only times where pokemon don't just use their species names. And in cases where they do like here, they tend to be pretty simplistic, descriptive names. And Ithink that says a lot about pokemon culture in your fic, and it's something Ifind neat. It also makes the one situation where that's not done - the Mightyena trio - stick out and makes the fact that they don't differentiate from each other notable. But again, it makes sense within the context of the story - they're sort of a package deal, after all.

I guess, without a government to catalogue and track everyone, it doesn't seem like there is a need for permanent, unique names. But, they still need a convenient way to refer to people - so, names are mostly for everyone else's convenience. If a stranger comes to town looking for Pink the Eevee, and there's one Eevee in town with a pink scarf, no further description is necessary

I have a vague recollection that an incident between Zorua and one of the Shinxes happened a while back. So in a sense, I'm not surprised that there seems to be some rivalry and jealousy between them.

Someone else in town mentioned Zorua getting one of the Shinxes lost, but I never went into detail. Zorua really deserves a whole chapter about her history before she meets Arcanine.

And we finally (I think?) got confirmation of Zorua's age. I feel like I remember Absol's being mentioned at some point. And I'm pretty sure it confirmed that pokemon don't age at human speed. (Which is what I expect unless otherwise stated but it's still nice to see confirmed and compare.)

Pokemon in IoC mature more quickly than Humans, and also live longer. I think I made them too precocious, though, and probably didn't explain it well.

I think it's nice that we get to see confirmation that the pokemon of the square are going to work together to prepare. And for that matter, I like that we're getting confirmation that they ARE preparing. It's one of those things that you just don't see gone into that often. And even then, certainly not in this much detail.I appreciate getting to see it. It's something that helps this feel more grounded and fall closer into the sci-fi/sci-fantasy vibes it feels like you're going for.

I actually had several chapters planned, originally, about preparing to migrate all of the towns into a cave system somewhere, in case it got too cold to survive on the surface. I decided they didn't add much to the story. I wish that I had gone into more detail in some of the early chapters about their economics/agriculture/food storage; Arcanine’s suggestions to prepare kind of come out of nowhere.

Anyways, yaaay, Mewtwo is here.Admitedly, he's here sooner than I expected, but I can't say he's unwelcome. There's a certain charm to him. A bit of tragedy, too. Just as much, if not moreso than than Arcanine.

They were both intended to be somewhat tragic characters - though I'm sure neither one would appreciate that description.

As a note, a few times throughout the chapters I read, I noticed some instances of "though" and "thought" getting mixed up.

Thanks. I do this one a lot.

Very excited to see how the stuff with Darkrai pans out and what role they have in the story (yeah I'm a big Darkrai fan, don't @ me)

Darkrai doesn't have a big role, but he will show up a couple times.

It's interesting that this is an issue that's affecting the human world, too. I do kind of wonder if that's a side we're going to see at some point,since it's become relevant. And it makes me a bit more curious about the ice type pokemon. Are they also setting things in motion in the human world? Or is what's happening in th ehuman world a side-effect of what's going on here? You might have explained it at some point, but I can't remember.

Someone, somewhere, has gotten some of the other parts of the Orrery, and learned to manipulate them. There hasn't been much explanation yet, because no one in Pokémon Square really knows what's going on. There will be a lot more on this in the next few chapters - when/if I get them written.

15

You know, I never really thought of pokemon having socks, but I don't see why they couldn't. I guess it surpprised me a little bit that the watchog understood what he was talking about. But it's such a minor thing that it's not really worth dwelling on. Just an observation.

Um, yeah. Socks probably aren't a very common thing here. I could probably find a better description.

I do like that we get a bit of a peek into how the economics of their society functions in the tailor scene, by the way. Makes it feel a bit more important. It seems like it's generally capitalisitic, but with communities providing a bit more help to each other's business if needed. It makes the town feel a bit more tight-knit.

I'm not sure what I would call their economic system. Fairly capitalistic, but with quite a few common areas voluntarily maintained by the people who use them. I guess the important distinction is that reputation is more important than money or goods.

I suppose that, taken to an extreme, the whole world is a common area and everyone wants to be seen doing something to protect it. Hence, all the volunteers - not just the explorations teams, but everyone supporting them.

I should have gone into the economics more earlier in the story.

We also get a bit more knowledge about Absol's history here. And I'm finding myself wondering if she's really going to end up going back at the end, or if there's something that's going to cause her to stay. Who knows? I could easily see it going either way.

We'll see!

Hm... I noticed Mewtwo corrected himself when he started to say they settled on a mountain. My suspicion is that he's trying to not accidently trigger any memories or influence Arcanine in that way, similar to how he doesn't want to accidently influence absol's memories.

Exactly.

Even though it wasn't as intense as some of the earlier cutscenes, this flashback scene was rough. Just. Seeing the aftermath hit pretty hard. The feeling of losing someone - a lot of someones - close to you suddenly grusomely... no wonder Vulpix is so messed up. And I mean, the others are too to some extent, but still. Ouch.

^

16

I continue to feel bad for Growlithe and wonder when the bandits that caused her injury are going to come into play. Because like, it definitely feels like that's going to come up at some point.

We won't be seeing the bandits...but more on Growlithe's backstory in Book 2 Chapter 2. It's more complicated than she has admitted.

With regards to Wigglytuff's guild... I'm actually kind of surprised that they hadn't done anything about [the team that harrassed bidoof], all things considered. Did Chatot just... not care? Or did they have some sort of... "agreement" with the guild or Magnezone? The way thing shook out with Arcanine, I wouldn't be TOO surprised, but... I dunno.

The intent was that Team Rogue had an arrangement with Magnezone and Chatot. Bidoof is expendable - the guild can always find more apprentices. Team Rogue robbing newcomers and the gullible, and paying protection money to the guild and Team Magnezone, is consistently profitable. My version of Chatot isn't a nice bird.

Not gonna lie. It's a bit wild the things that the clones have managed to do in the last five years. In a good way, though.

I figure that Mewtwo has been manipulating Human financial markets for fun and profit for several decades now. Now all of them are working together. The clones are all really smart (even Arcanine, though he doesn't use it often enough) and very well educated. With several psychics, they're pretty difficult to deceive.

If they can find the right Humans and work them into positions of authority, they can control things from behind the scenes. Eventually, they'll start moving Pokemon into public or corporate positions. They're probably training Pokémon for it already.

Most of the surviving Twos are probably the strongest members of their respective species in the world, and Mewtwo is Mewtwo, of course. They're going to play the Human's game, and win. More on this in a few chapters...

16.5

This is another chapter that I don't have a lot of specific thoughts for. But I did find it interesting. It was a fun little character study, in a way. It lets us see how Arcanine used to be (and still is for the most part). But more importantly (imo), it lets us learn more about how Mewtwo used to be. And I like comparing that to how he is now. He was a lot more... well. Uncaring isn't the right word. Distant, maybe? He's still distant, sure, but at the point that this chapter happens he felt more like a leader or a boss than a family member. Which I suppose makes sense, considering he's referred to as "master" in this chapter. I don't think he in later memories, iirc.

I do really like how this resolved, with them making their own rules and whatnot. Gives me warm feelings.

I really wanted to show in the dreams the Twos developing a social structure of their own. They're not starting with good influences - Team Rocket and Human media. Mewtwo has somewhat of an inferiority complex; he knows that Humanity, collectively, is a lot stronger than Pokemon, even though they are individually much weaker. He doesn't understand why until later.

The fact that human technology was there is interesting to say the least. Iwonder if there's anyone that could provide information on that, because it certainly feels relevant. The Mew of the human world maybe? Or perhaps some other legendary pokemon. They seem like the only ones that might be old enough to remember.

They're old enough to remember, but did they care enough to notice?

There has, at least been a technologically advanced civilization of some species there. Possibly several of them.

Ooh! I ought to take them to the laboratory friend area in Rescue - whatever it was called. I bet Arcanine and Mewtwo would have some interesting observations

You know, I have a feeling that whatever Zorua's mom was hiding from is going to become relevant at some point. I mean, I just don't figure it would even be mentioned if it isn't. Mmmm, so many moving parts that I'm looking forward to seing rear its ugly head, likely at an inopertune time.

I wish I had something clever planned for this, but I don't.

Originally, we were only going to see Meadow Town three brief times - fighting the Ice-types, returning Bayleef, and mauling Bayleef for the discs to open the door. Zorua and Riolu were going to leave with Arcanine and never look back.

I'm glad we got the resolution with Zorua's home. It's a pretty nice bookend for her starting to move on as we get near the end of the first book.

I thought this scene went well. I wish I had mentioned it a lot earlier in the story, though.

18

I'll be honest, I'm kind of surprised that Pokepals came back. Obviously, the're not the heroes of this story, but with them missing at the beginning I kind of expected them to not show up, and for their disappearence to be related.

I had a hard time deciding what to do with Poképals, Go-Getters, and Gengar. I knew I didn't want any of them to have important roles, but I couldn't just ignore them. Pokepals will end up running the guild in TT. I don't think Gengar and Go-Getters will show up at all.

Okay, now that I'm done with book one, here's some overall thoughts. I really enjoyed it as usual! I love the animalistic style of the story and I love the realistic and sci-fi elements that make the world feel grounded.

But there are a couple of things I have some quibbles on. The first is that I felt like the book ended a bit abruptly. Though I think it's mostly the final scene that I had issue with. It felt like it just cut off a few paragraphs too soon.

What did you think was missing from the final scene? Sometimes scenes end just because I'm not sure where to go.

The other thing is that I wish that dungeon sickness was better explained. To be fair, I think it's a poorly understood thing in-fiction. But with the limited understanding, it makes Team Mighty's ailment feel a little out of left field. Maybe if it had been a little better established beforehand?

I could probably go back and work something in earlier. Really, I want to rewrite all the early Arcanine and Zorua chapters. There's too much that isn't consistent with the rest of the story.While Arcanine has more dungeon experience, Zorua should know more of the theory, having lived here her whole life. She should be explaining a lot of it to him. There's some other stuff, like where magic items come from and how they work, that needs fixed too.

 

[Pen]

15. Astronomy

Well, it's been more than a few months, but I'm back, and hoping to catch up with this fic by end of blitz. Hoping there will be some new chapters out soon as well!

Quite a lot of revelations in this one. I like the way the exposition has been coming together and the relationship between Mewtwo's Earth and the PMD one. The bit where Mewtwo was walking Arcanine through physics was quite fun. If I follow correctly, the human world has observed movement away from the sun that would make sense if caused if a massive object were passing by, but no such object has been detected. Mewtwo now suspects that the Orrerry may be the cause, since it could contain Palkia's space-distortive powers. I have been wondering where Mew is in all of this. She taught Mewtwo to world hop and they seem to be in communication.

We also learn why Arcanine lost his memory--it wasn't just an accidental impact of the world-hopping, but a conscious choice by Mewtwo, to save Arcanine from his own survivor's guilt spiraling. The mood is very grim in those flashbacks, particularly with Vulpix and how distraught Arcanine feels. He's not good at sitting and working through his grief, and I can see why Mewtwo tried to find something for him to do. I liked the way you described the intricacy of memories and Mewtwo's reluctance to interfere further--he already took a big liberty in taking them away in the first place. Arcanine has been remembering a lot without fully remembering. I imagine a point will come when the past hits him very hard--at least Zorua will be there to smack him out of it.

Speaking of Zorua, her interaction with Mewtwo was a highlight of the chapter. They're such different people, but they both care a lot about Arcanine, and that's enough for now. The chapter did feel a bit long. I was expecting it to end at the end of the flashback section, though I see how the sections that came after felt connected enough to leave in a chapter with it.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

The pie was a bit stale, Zorua thought; it was probably left over from yesterday, but it was still delicious.

I enjoy small lines like this. Not everything is perfect in this world, but that doesn't stop it from being enjoyable.

“Human astrology, only the moon moves around the Earth. Other planets all orbit the sun; Earth does too. If you watch from the Earth, the paths of the planets look complex; could watch from the sun, they’re all just ellipses.

Missing end quotes.

Gardening and mauling things were both pretty useful in general, but not what they needed right now.

This made me chuckle.

He didn’t seem to mind his a supporting role. For being one of the world’s most respected rescue teams, he and Charizard were both quite modest.

It's really nice to see.

“Instruments of Creation,” Umbreon translated for them.

TITLE DROP, hell yeah.

“We haven’t gotten far,” Espeon said, “it could take months to translate the whole thing, but it seems to be a legend about a dispute between the Creation Trio and the First One.

Missing end quotes.

two times it’s own height.

*its

If it took him all day to solve something Mewtwo could have solved in an hour, he thought, that was still an hour of Mewtwo’s time saved for tougher problems.

That is so Arcanine. 'I will labor for many hours to save time for you.' It's both his devotion and his, mm, it's not self-deprecation exactly, more like the straight-forward way he assesses his skills on the metric of making Mewtwo's life easier.

#I’ll be a bit longer here. Why don’t you meet me at Kadabra’s?#

Arcanine nodded in agreement. He was sure that ‘alone’ was implied.

I'm sure it was, though I think Arcanine also wants it to have been. He treasures the closeness of that relationship.

They still didn’t have any money, Absol though.

* thought

“We need needles from Maractus, and thread and cloth from Leavanny and Spinnarak and Dubwool and Mareep, and dye from Bellossom, and we’ll need the roof repaired in back before much longer...”

“Oh, Watchog. We have plenty of all that, and if it was really urgent, you know there’s dozens of Pokémon who would help with the roof. How are we supposed to stay in business if people think we’re selfish?”

“I suppose you’re right.” Watchog sighed. “It really wouldn’t be right not to help, when everyone else is.”

This was an interesting moment. Watchog invokes the community as why he needs to be paid, because he has to pass back that payment to the other pokemon that supply him, but he changes his mind when it's pointed out that the whole community supports this.

“Last night. How’d it go?”

“Oh.” Absol’s ears dipped in embarrassment. “We groomed a bit, then I fell asleep.”

“Oh. Well, you enjoyed it, right?”

Zorua looked a little disappointed, Absol thought.

Zorua! She's so ready to have a gossip buddy.

Our ancestors though it was important enough to pass down, even if we no longer remember why, and I’m not going to presume I’m wiser than they were.

A reoccuring sentiment. I like that it's not 'our ancestors thought it was important so no questioning it ever.' It's the more thoughtful formulation of not assuming that current times know better.

There had to be something special about her family, if they’d gotten to save the world twice in eight years.

"gotten to" is a very Zorua way to put it, seeing the recognition more than the responsibility.

#It’s not easy to travel between them; at least, not for me. It requires a lot of energy and time, and a lot of skill, to warp reality like that. Mew first showed me this world a few years after we settled Mount...about fourteen years ago. The first time I tried to come back without her, I nearly killed myself. I have more raw power, but I lack her finesse. She’s had a few billion years to train, after all.#

I really like this mapping of Mew and Mewtwo's different strengths. Raw power alone only goes so far.

Ten eggs which would never hatch; his and Vulpix, Sandslash and Vaporeon, Rapidash and Ninetales, Blastoise and Dewgong, Venosaur and Bulbasaur, Charizard and Squirtle, Golduck and Psiduck. They who had survived could make more, but it wouldn’t ever be the same.

The fact that all ten are listed out here makes the moment hit hard.

(psyduck)

He could wander off in the middle of the night, he thought, shut Mewtwo out and not come back. Mewtwo would respect his decision and not pursue him. Mewtwo would never forgive himself. He could join Vulpix at the window, staring at nothing and slowly wasting away. The whole family would have to watch. He was trapped, Arcanine thought; there was no way out which would not cause the Pokémon he cared about even more pain.

Oof. This was a brutal passage. Arcanine can do whatever he wants, but he can't keep what he does from hurting them.

which was well on it’s way to being fully enclosed,

* its

it’s branches were bare of leaves and covered in snow.

* its

#Micro changes in air density,# Mewtwo said solemnly. He lifted the Apple in his hand, examined it as if he had forgotten it was there, and took another bite. He still hadn’t turned to look at her.

“Micro-what?”

#Nevermind.#

I greatly enjoy your Mewtwo.

Mewtwo was supposed to argue, she thought, not just admit everything. She was supposed to be leading this conversation, not him. Why did it feel like the strange one-sided exchanges he had with Arcanine?

“Why?”

#You care about him very much, don’t you?#

Zorua nodded instinctively, then wished she hadn’t. Why couldn’t she be all calm and mysterious too?

And Zorua and Mewtwo bouncing off each other here is a treat.

Each bit of memory, by itself, doesn’t mean much; it’s the circumstances around it, the connected memories, which give it meaning. I can’t put the old connections back. Each new connection would be an exercise of judgment. What’s more important, the times you were happy with someone, or sad, or angry? Even just telling him about it creates connections, and those early connections will influence the later ones. Once he’s remembered more, I can start to help him, but now...he’s too impressionable.

This is a satisfying explanation and brings home how much Mewtwo respects Arcanine's autonomy. He's got a stake in this--he wants Arcanine to care about him like he used to, but he's not going to try to nudge Arcanine into it.

 

[Pen]

16. Astronomy Lesson

The Growlithe/Arcanine conflict continues to be an uneasy one. Arcanine can't resolve it in the way that's easiest for him--physical action. And while Growlithe is not entirely unjustified in her fears, they're also not wholly based in rationality. It does show that the group is not entirely at ease with Arcanine, even though they've accepted him for now. There's a moment after Growlithe cries out where it feels like Arcanine could be made the center of mob, but that dissipates. Perhaps it's no coincidence that this chapter has Arcanine thinking again about the other pokemon unjustly jailed. I think he's right to be concerned about them. He's done what he can for the moment about the wider issues--the fact that there are large problems on the horizon isn't an excuse to ignore individual injustice.

All that said, I wasn't sure all this needed to be its own chapter. It seems pretty much a continuation of the status quo, almost slice of life as they wait for things to advance. It's realistic that this all takes time, but that doesn't mean we need to be told every moment of it in the story.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

Arcanine hadn’t stopped walking, or even looked back, Absol saw, but his ears were rotated back; if he had done that on purpose, he had timed it solely by sound. Absol wasn’t sure how she felt about Arcanine’s reaction; all he’d done was let her surprise herself, but still, those were real tears of pain. He could have been more gentle.

It's a tricky situation. He could have taken the ember without getting hurt, but also, how much abuse is he expected to just take simply because he can?

Wigglytuff is completely crazy; worse dungeon sickness than Pink or Team Mighty. He’s also incredibly strong, and he’ll do anything Chatot tells him, so long as he thinks he’s in charge.

Interesting take on Wigglytuff. It's an entirely plausible read based on what we see from the two in the games.

They were standing atop Mount Freeze, just like before, but before, she’d been certain that the recreation matched her dream. Now, she wasn’t sure. Which way had Ninetales been facing, at the start?

I like how the theme of memory being uncertain once it's interfered with continues.

It’s pointing the wrong was for a comet.”

Missing quotes

Yes,” Alakazam said when Zorua had finished, “that’s the same story he told us when he first arrived.”

Missing quotes

Mewtwo was right, she though, Growlithe did need extra help tonight.

* thought

It was remarkable, he though, how something so simple like a blanket could help so many people.

What a sweet moment.

16.5 Scars

This chapter, on the other hand, was gripping from start to finish. The battle between Squirtle and Sandslash started out so cute and innocent and devolved so quickly. I didn't really understand at first why Arcanine was claiming responsibility or what the Bushido system was. The slow process of understanding Sandslash's position was horrific, as was Arcanine and the others' repeated failed attempts to get Mewtwo to change. I've gotten accustomed to the more mellow, mature Mewtwo of the present time and the later flashbacks. Early Mewtwo is quite scary for how convinced he is of his own infallibility and for the massive power he has over them. His insistence that Sandlash practice this move that so clearly terrifies him was a terrible abuse of the power they gave him out of trust.

The situation of the clones here is pretty fascinating, particularly learning about all the different systems of government they've tried at and failed, which have lead them to this absolutism, which works until it doesn't. This chapter may be the most heroic I've seen Arcanine, because he's defying Mewtwo, who I know he loves and respects. You do a great job sketching out the preocupations and alliances of the other clones as well here, and all the history between them, like the anger over Arcanine's "prank." The scene where Pikachu asked them honestly how many of them would commit seppuku, and only four answered yes, but were still unwilling to change that system hit hard, as did the seppuku scene itself. Ninetales and Vulpix are real MVPs here--unlike Arcanine, they're better able to navigate the politics of the situation and find a resolution.

“Every time we make rules, someone abuses them. We all know what we should do,” Vulpix said, “we all know it was wrong to vote the Water-types out of the tourney.” She looked at Arcanine and Charizard. “We all know it was wrong to shun Sandslash.” She looked at Blastoise and Gyarados. “We all know it was wrong for Mewtwo to insist Sandslash train Fury Swipes right after the accident. Can’t we all just be nice?”

This feels in many ways like this story's thesis statement. People know right from wrong, they just need to act on it. "Be nice" sounds childish, but it's a core principal of community and reciprocity.

Somehow, Vulpix had been right, he thought; after all the complicated systems Humans devised to control each other, it turned out that all they really needed was respect. Maybe, he thought, that was what set Humans and Pokémon apart.

I don't know if I'd agree with Arcanine here, though. The central difference between the clone society and human society seems to be the one Arcanine pointed out--that there's only 27 of them. They are close-knit enough that being nice should be able to work. It's also interesting to me how ready they were to abuse the rules of other systems and exploit loopholes. This seems to suggest that having rules morally absolves those who manage to violate their spirit without violating their letter. It's an interesting argument!

Very telling on Mewtwo's behalf that he is not prepared to admit he's wrong, though he clearly knows it. At least he implicitly admits it at the end when he says everything he's done has been a disaster.

I really enjoyed this chapter. It's both a compelling story in its own right, as a consideration of an entirely new society trying to figure out how to govern themselves, and it adds a new level to Mewtwo and Arcanine's relationship. This was a time when Mewtwo was very wrong--if Arcanine hadn't acted, the consequences would have been irrevocable and the guilt would have been Mewtwo's to bear for life.

Spoiler: Line-by-lines

They were in the gym back on Cinnabar, Arcanine though.

* thought

Squirtle swaggered to the opposite side of the ring and mimed covering a pistol. “Howdy, pardner. Reckon there ain’t room in this ring for the both of us.”

Sandslash’s arms swung out and down, like Wolverine unsheathing his blades. “Sure, bub.”

They both laughed.

This was genuinely cute and gosh I was not prepared for what followed.

he Swiped Furiously at Squirtle’s unguarded lower shell.

I know I've already made clear my thought on capitalizing attack names, but it was particularly ridiculous here.

Battles ended on a knockout. Always. It wasn’t just a rule, it was a law of nature, an instinct which all Pokémon shared. Even predators paused before finishing off their prey. As Arcanine opened his mouth to declare Sandslash victorious, Sandslash’s claws rose and fell again, punching completely though Squirtle’s weakened front shell with a sickening crunch.

Sat up in my seat here.

Arcanine felt Mewtwo’s presence force it’s way into his mind.

* its

He didn’t object; it was Mewtwo’s privilege as their master. It was so different from the gentle touch that Mewtwo used now.

Yeah seriously. This flashback is pretty shocking in contrast with Mewtwo's current attitude.

Who’s fault?#

* whose

“Mine,” Arcanine answered immediately, bowing his head in shame. He should have seen Sandslash losing control. He should have responded more quickly. Everything that happened in his ring was his responsibility; that was the rule since they’d voted to adopt Bushido six months ago.

Arcanine! Always taking responsibility for things outside his control. Definitely his heroic flaw.

“Battled Golduck today,” Sandslash said eventually, “Mewtwo ordered me to use Fury Swipes.”

Arcanine stopped and put down his broom again. He didn’t know what to say, but the gesture, at least, indicated a willingness to talk.

“I couldn’t. I just stopped fighting, let him knock me out.”

Oh no.

Sandslash hesitated before answering. “I can’t obey him. I can’t disobey him. There’s only one alternative.”

It took Arcanine a moment to figure out what Sandslash was proposing, and he felt suddenly ill.

After they all decided that democracy wasn’t working, Mewtwo had proposed something entirely different, based on a translation of an ancient Johtoan book. It was simple and elegant, befitting warriors like them, with few rules to abuse and little room for disagreement.

No one had taken the idea of ritual suicide seriously, or imagined a circumstance where it would be necessary; it was the parts about duty and honor and loyalty that had appealed to everyone. They had joked that a nation of Humans with laws for killing themselves must be crazy, because normal Humans had laws for killing each other.

They foyer was an opulent, silly room, Arcanine thought, three stories tall and twenty meters across, with a polished marble floor, and walls and columns all painted gaudy gold.

Seriously, Mewtwo.

She had laughed aloud when she first saw it, despite being surrounded by potentially hostile Pokémon. Even Mewtwo admitted now that his taste had been awful when he designed it.

I can see Mewtwo admitting that the same way a cat licks themselves after making a clumsy jump.

They typing paused for a moment, then resumed.

* The

Mewtwo valued his privacy, and ordinarily, Arcanine would not have interrupted him. This wasn’t an ordinary time, and they didn’t have time for this. Let Mewtwo be angry.

Arcanine took a few steps back, then charged. The door wasn’t a security door, but it was fire-rated; solid, heavy wood in a metal frame, and sturdier than it looked. Something in his shoulder popped under the impact in a blinding white instant of pain. The latch gave way as well, and the door slammed open against the wall. Mewtwo looked slowly up from his desk, eyes glowing with restrained power.

#I heard you knock,# Mewtwo said calmly, #if I wanted to speak with you, I would have answered.#

Ahh, this was tense. Good on Arcanine for not being intimidated.

“Strong enough tomorrow when he’s dead?” Arcanine demanded. He heard movement in the hall behind him; they had an audience, now.

#Is this how you address your master?#

“Woke up in the tank, you were there. Promised us friendship. First thing I remember. Told the younger clones the same thing. Is this friendship?

You tell him, Arcanine!

“We gave up on Champions because you four idiots just kept challenging each other in a circle. We gave up on Republic cause we all should have known who’d get elected, and you guys couldn’t agree on anything. We gave up on Consensus because we all couldn’t agree on stupid pokefood flavors.

Omg.

“and he thinks everyone is mad at him.

Missing quotes

“Wait,” Ninetales said, “Arcanine, not you. Go talk to Sandslash again. We’re going to beg, and you don’t beg well.”

Never a truer word spoken there, lol. Ninetales is very good at the goup politics.

He smelled as if he had just bathed, but it did nothing to mask the scent of fear and guilt. His plates and spikes were polished, and he wore a bright green ribbon tied around the spike on the top of his head; Vulpix had told him once that it looked dashing.

No, Sandslash! Ugh, and he's gotten all cleaned up for his own suicide.

“I’m calling an assembly,” Ninetales said, “Motion: repeal Bushido.”

Everyone looked around, unsure how to respond.

“I don’t think you can do that,” Charizard said eventually, “we’re not a democracy any more.”

“Of course we are,” Ninetales answered confidently, “we voted to become a feudal monarchy, just like all the other laws we passed. We can repeal it the same way.”

Ninetales is MVP.

Mewtwo followed Vulpix as she returned to the ‘in favor’ group.

I might have missed something, but I wasn't sure when Mewtwo joined then? This sentence came out of the blue.

“I don’t know,” Ninetales admitted, “lets just try to keep everyone alive overnight, and we’ll worry about that tomorrow.”

Ninetales has excellent priorities.

“Yes, like Team Rocket. Mewtwo is the boss, and you four are the generals.” Hitmonlee nodded toward the four elder clones. “And we’re the grunts.”

“That’s...actually fairly accurate,” Venosaur said, “but we can’t tell Mewtwo we want to be like Team Rocket.”

Amazing. I'm just imagining Mewtwo's face if they went to him with that proposal.

#That’s it?# Mewtwo asked once Charizard had finished, #no rules, just being nice?#

Apparently!!

 

[ShiniGojira]

Good day! Hope you're doing well! This is my review for Chapter 1 and so far, I'm digging it.

The idea of having an amnesiac Pokémon coming from a place with humans but not being a human himself is a rather unique take on the traditional troupe and I'm curious to how you'll handle it. I find myself wondering how he would react to the Teams from the original games having amnesiac humans. I feel like they could get along though there will probably be some conflict and drama before that.

The descriptions of the environment around the characters are well-detailed, and they provide a great feeling of immersion and make the world feel more alive.

Arcanine has some interesting history and from the tidbits available, I wonder whether we'll get an adventure of him trying to recover those lost memories. The descriptions of his battle scars help let us know that he was probably a strong fighter back in his original world and he had seen a lot in his time. He's a strong and tough character that had isolated himself for some reason, partially from his lost memories and getting chased out by a town he'd visited. (We'll probably learn more about that later)

Zorua is cute, she's young, mischievous and too curious for her own good. I like the conflict and idea of her facing discrimination due to being a Zorua, and her having to disguise as an Eevee helps cement that feeling of being an outcast as she couldn't dare show her true self to anyone around her. Her being an orphan also makes her feel more alone and can allow her to empathize with the lonely Arcanine.

Their interactions with one another were nice and captured their initial uncertainty about each other pretty well.

That said, the plot from here is unknown and it leaves a lot of guessing and there's not much info for me to work with.

But that's fine, this had peaked my interest and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Anyway, take care!

 

[The Desert Cat]

Spoiler: Pen

15. Astronomy

Well, it's been more than a few months, but I'm back, and hoping to catch up with this fic by end of blitz. Hoping there will be some new chapters out soon as well!

It's been a while for me, too. Actually, it's been about a year since I updated. I really need to get back into this.

Quite a lot of revelations in this one. I like the way the exposition has been coming together and the relationship between Mewtwo's Earth and the PMD one. The bit where Mewtwo was walking Arcanine through physics was quite fun. If I follow correctly, the human world has observed movement away from the sun that would make sense if caused if a massive object were passing by, but no such object has been detected. Mewtwo now suspects that the Orrerry may be the cause, since it could contain Palkia's space-distortive powers. I have been wondering where Mew is in all of this. She taught Mewtwo to world hop and they seem to be in communication.

Basically, yes. The Human world has a scientific description of what's happening, but there's no scientific explanation for why. The PMD world doesn't have the necessary concepts to describe what's happening in space, even if they could observe it, but they have a mechanism for why. And Mew – we won't see much of her, but she's involved. Mewtwo may not have come at the right time entirely by chance.

We also learn why Arcanine lost his memory--it wasn't just an accidental impact of the world-hopping, but a conscious choice by Mewtwo, to save Arcanine from his own survivor's guilt spiraling. The mood is very grim in those flashbacks, particularly with Vulpix and how distraught Arcanine feels. He's not good at sitting and working through his grief, and I can see why Mewtwo tried to find something for him to do. I liked the way you described the intricacy of memories and Mewtwo's reluctance to interfere further--he already took a big liberty in taking them away in the first place. Arcanine has been remembering a lot without fully remembering. I imagine a point will come when the past hits him very hard--at least Zorua will be there to smack him out of it.

Ah yes, Mewtwo thinking that he knows how to solve everyone's problems. He's learning, though.

Speaking of Zorua, her interaction with Mewtwo was a highlight of the chapter. They're such different people, but they both care a lot about Arcanine, and that's enough for now. The chapter did feel a bit long. I was expecting it to end at the end of the flashback section, though I see how the sections that came after felt connected enough to leave in a chapter with it.

The Desert Cat said:

“Instruments of Creation,” Umbreon translated for them.

TITLE DROP, hell yeah.

Finally!

The Desert Cat said:

#I’ll be a bit longer here. Why don’t you meet me at Kadabra’s?#

Arcanine nodded in agreement. He was sure that ‘alone’ was implied.

I'm sure it was, though I think Arcanine also wants it to have been. He treasures the closeness of that relationship.

He does, even if he doesn't remember much of it yet.

The Desert Cat said:

“We need needles from Maractus, and thread and cloth from Leavanny and Spinnarak and Dubwool and Mareep, and dye from Bellossom, and we’ll need the roof repaired in back before much longer...”

“Oh, Watchog. We have plenty of all that, and if it was really urgent, you know there’s dozens of Pokémon who would help with the roof. How are we supposed to stay in business if people think we’re selfish?”

“I suppose you’re right.” Watchog sighed. “It really wouldn’t be right not to help, when everyone else is.”

This was an interesting moment. Watchog invokes the community as why he needs to be paid, because he has to pass back that payment to the other pokemon that supply him, but he changes his mind when it's pointed out that the whole community supports this.

It's always annoyed me in RPG type games, when you're the hero saving everyone, but every vendor is still ripping you off selling items for five times what they buy them for, and every NPC sends you on some stupid 'find my lost chickens and kill the rats in the basement' quest before they will help you. So, in IoC, pretty much everyone is invested in helping save the world.

The Desert Cat said:

“Last night. How’d it go?”

“Oh.” Absol’s ears dipped in embarrassment. “We groomed a bit, then I fell asleep.”

“Oh. Well, you enjoyed it, right?”

Zorua looked a little disappointed, Absol thought.

Zorua! She's so ready to have a gossip buddy.

Yep. We need someone to share secrets with.

The Desert Cat said:

Our ancestors though it was important enough to pass down, even if we no longer remember why, and I’m not going to presume I’m wiser than they were.

A reoccuring sentiment. I like that it's not 'our ancestors thought it was important so no questioning it ever.' It's the more thoughtful formulation of not assuming that current times know better.

Exactly. There's nothing really like religion here. Even though they don't have much technology, it's a very rational society. Questioning the current system is completely acceptable – but it's working now, and we don't want to go changing things without understanding what we're doing.

The Desert Cat said:

There had to be something special about her family, if they’d gotten to save the world twice in eight years.

"gotten to" is a very Zorua way to put it, seeing the recognition more than the responsibility.

Yep!

The Desert Cat said:

#It’s not easy to travel between them; at least, not for me. It requires a lot of energy and time, and a lot of skill, to warp reality like that. Mew first showed me this world a few years after we settled Mount...about fourteen years ago. The first time I tried to come back without her, I nearly killed myself. I have more raw power, but I lack her finesse. She’s had a few billion years to train, after all.#

I really like this mapping of Mew and Mewtwo's different strengths. Raw power alone only goes so far.

He no longer introduces himself as The World's Strongest Pokemon, either.

The Desert Cat said:

Ten eggs which would never hatch; his and Vulpix, Sandslash and Vaporeon, Rapidash and Ninetales, Blastoise and Dewgong, Venosaur and Bulbasaur, Charizard and Squirtle, Golduck and Psiduck. They who had survived could make more, but it wouldn’t ever be the same.

The fact that all ten are listed out here makes the moment hit hard.

I wish that I had done a longer, earlier dream showing how important these were to the family, and the cultural change of finally deciding that they should have kids. I'm not sure where I would fit that in, though.

The Desert Cat said:

He could wander off in the middle of the night, he thought, shut Mewtwo out and not come back. Mewtwo would respect his decision and not pursue him. Mewtwo would never forgive himself. He could join Vulpix at the window, staring at nothing and slowly wasting away. The whole family would have to watch. He was trapped, Arcanine thought; there was no way out which would not cause the Pokémon he cared about even more pain.

Oof. This was a brutal passage. Arcanine can do whatever he wants, but he can't keep what he does from hurting them.

Sometimes 'being nice' is hard.

The Desert Cat said:

#Micro changes in air density,# Mewtwo said solemnly. He lifted the Apple in his hand, examined it as if he had forgotten it was there, and took another bite. He still hadn’t turned to look at her.

“Micro-what?”

#Nevermind.#

I greatly enjoy your Mewtwo.

I like to imagine the Family being heavily influenced by (real world) classic sci-fi and 90s/early '00s culture, but I wonder whether anyone catches the occasional references.

The Desert Cat said:

Mewtwo was supposed to argue, she thought, not just admit everything. She was supposed to be leading this conversation, not him. Why did it feel like the strange one-sided exchanges he had with Arcanine?

“Why?”

#You care about him very much, don’t you?#

Zorua nodded instinctively, then wished she hadn’t. Why couldn’t she be all calm and mysterious too?

And Zorua and Mewtwo bouncing off each other here is a treat.

This was a fun scene to write, too. Arcanine and Mewtwo get plenty of time together, but there's not a lot of Mewtwo/Zorua or Mewtwo/Absol

The Desert Cat said:

Each bit of memory, by itself, doesn’t mean much; it’s the circumstances around it, the connected memories, which give it meaning. I can’t put the old connections back. Each new connection would be an exercise of judgment. What’s more important, the times you were happy with someone, or sad, or angry? Even just telling him about it creates connections, and those early connections will influence the later ones. Once he’s remembered more, I can start to help him, but now...he’s too impressionable.

This is a satisfying explanation and brings home how much Mewtwo respects Arcanine's autonomy. He's got a stake in this--he wants Arcanine to care about him like he used to, but he's not going to try to nudge Arcanine into it.

Yes – it's taken them a couple decades, but Mewtwo has learned that he can't – and shouldn't – control everything.

16. Astronomy Lesson

The Growlithe/Arcanine conflict continues to be an uneasy one. Arcanine can't resolve it in the way that's easiest for him--physical action. And while Growlithe is not entirely unjustified in her fears, they're also not wholly based in rationality. It does show that the group is not entirely at ease with Arcanine, even though they've accepted him for now. There's a moment after Growlithe cries out where it feels like Arcanine could be made the center of mob, but that dissipates. Perhaps it's no coincidence that this chapter has Arcanine thinking again about the other pokemon unjustly jailed. I think he's right to be concerned about them. He's done what he can for the moment about the wider issues--the fact that there are large problems on the horizon isn't an excuse to ignore individual injustice.

All that said, I wasn't sure all this needed to be its own chapter. It seems pretty much a continuation of the status quo, almost slice of life as they wait for things to advance. It's realistic that this all takes time, but that doesn't mean we need to be told every moment of it in the story.

This chapter was intended to contain the dream about Sandslash, too. That turned out longer than I expected, which left this chapter short – but too long to merge into chapter 15. I guess there's not anything really plot-important that happens here either, but there's character stuff that needed to happen at some point.

The Desert Cat said:

Arcanine hadn’t stopped walking, or even looked back, Absol saw, but his ears were rotated back; if he had done that on purpose, he had timed it solely by sound. Absol wasn’t sure how she felt about Arcanine’s reaction; all he’d done was let her surprise herself, but still, those were real tears of pain. He could have been more gentle.

It's a tricky situation. He could have taken the ember without getting hurt, but also, how much abuse is he expected to just take simply because he can?

Growlithe has some other issues, which we'll get into in the next few chapters. It's not so much that she dislikes Arcanine personally, as that he's an easy target because he's so much stronger.

The Desert Cat said:

Wigglytuff is completely crazy; worse dungeon sickness than Pink or Team Mighty. He’s also incredibly strong, and he’ll do anything Chatot tells him, so long as he thinks he’s in charge.

Interesting take on Wigglytuff. It's an entirely plausible read based on what we see from the two in the games.

It seems like a lot of people saw Wigglytuff and Chatot as kind of father figures, and Wigglytuff as a secret genius or something. I thought that Chatot seemed pretty shady, Wigglytuff was creepy, and how do they have so many criminals in such a small town?

The Desert Cat said:

They were standing atop Mount Freeze, just like before, but before, she’d been certain that the recreation matched her dream. Now, she wasn’t sure. Which way had Ninetales been facing, at the start?

I like how the theme of memory being uncertain once it's interfered with continues.

Ah good, I'm glad you saw the connection

16.5 Scars

This chapter, on the other hand, was gripping from start to finish. The battle between Squirtle and Sandslash started out so cute and innocent and devolved so quickly. I didn't really understand at first why Arcanine was claiming responsibility or what the Bushido system was. The slow process of understanding Sandslash's position was horrific, as was Arcanine and the others' repeated failed attempts to get Mewtwo to change. I've gotten accustomed to the more mellow, mature Mewtwo of the present time and the later flashbacks. Early Mewtwo is quite scary for how convinced he is of his own infallibility and for the massive power he has over them. His insistence that Sandlash practice this move that so clearly terrifies him was a terrible abuse of the power they gave him out of trust.

The Family's relationship with Mewtwo early on is the closest thing that you'll find in IoC to religion. Mewtwo isn't just their leader and guardian; he created them, and as far as they know, he really is the world's strongest pokemon – Mewtwo even believes it himself. Plus, they see on TV how normal Pokemon live, and they know that they're incredibly fortunate. So, it's very difficult for any of them (Mewtwo included) to question Mewtwo's authority.

The situation of the clones here is pretty fascinating, particularly learning about all the different systems of government they've tried at and failed, which have lead them to this absolutism, which works until it doesn't. This chapter may be the most heroic I've seen Arcanine, because he's defying Mewtwo, who I know he loves and respects. You do a great job sketching out the preocupations and alliances of the other clones as well here, and all the history between them, like the anger over Arcanine's "prank." The scene where Pikachu asked them honestly how many of them would commit seppuku, and only four answered yes, but were still unwilling to change that system hit hard, as did the seppuku scene itself. Ninetales and Vulpix are real MVPs here--unlike Arcanine, they're better able to navigate the politics of the situation and find a resolution.

The Desert Cat said:

“Every time we make rules, someone abuses them. We all know what we should do,” Vulpix said, “we all know it was wrong to vote the Water-types out of the tourney.” She looked at Arcanine and Charizard. “We all know it was wrong to shun Sandslash.” She looked at Blastoise and Gyarados. “We all know it was wrong for Mewtwo to insist Sandslash train Fury Swipes right after the accident. Can’t we all just be nice?”

This feels in many ways like this story's thesis statement. People know right from wrong, they just need to act on it. "Be nice" sounds childish, but it's a core principal of community and reciprocity.

It really is – not just for the Family, but in the PMD world, too.

The Desert Cat said:

Somehow, Vulpix had been right, he thought; after all the complicated systems Humans devised to control each other, it turned out that all they really needed was respect. Maybe, he thought, that was what set Humans and Pokémon apart.

I don't know if I'd agree with Arcanine here, though. The central difference between the clone society and human society seems to be the one Arcanine pointed out--that there's only 27 of them. They are close-knit enough that being nice should be able to work. It's also interesting to me how ready they were to abuse the rules of other systems and exploit loopholes. This seems to suggest that having rules morally absolves those who manage to violate their spirit without violating their letter. It's an interesting argument!

They're all highly competitive geniuses, and whatever rules they agreed to turned into another game to optimize. In the Family, at least, this was still mostly a friendly game; I think it becomes a much larger problem in the real world.

Arcanine may not be in the best position to judge Humans – the only Humans he's met are Joy, and maybe some lost tourists landing on the wrong island or contractors working on the manor. Everything else he knows comes from Human media.

On the other hand, the PMD world has developed a whole civilization on basically the same principle of respecting each other.

Very telling on Mewtwo's behalf that he is not prepared to admit he's wrong, though he clearly knows it. At least he implicitly admits it at the end when he says everything he's done has been a disaster.

I really enjoyed this chapter. It's both a compelling story in its own right, as a consideration of an entirely new society trying to figure out how to govern themselves, and it adds a new level to Mewtwo and Arcanine's relationship. This was a time when Mewtwo was very wrong--if Arcanine hadn't acted, the consequences would have been irrevocable and the guilt would have been Mewtwo's to bear for life.

The Desert Cat said:

Squirtle swaggered to the opposite side of the ring and mimed covering a pistol. “Howdy, pardner. Reckon there ain’t room in this ring for the both of us.”

Sandslash’s arms swung out and down, like Wolverine unsheathing his blades. “Sure, bub.”

They both laughed.

This was genuinely cute and gosh I was not prepared for what followed.

The Desert Cat said:

he Swiped Furiously at Squirtle’s unguarded lower shell.

I know I've already made clear my thought on capitalizing attack names, but it was particularly ridiculous here.

I can't disagree with this.

The Desert Cat said:

Battles ended on a knockout. Always. It wasn’t just a rule, it was a law of nature, an instinct which all Pokémon shared. Even predators paused before finishing off their prey. As Arcanine opened his mouth to declare Sandslash victorious, Sandslash’s claws rose and fell again, punching completely though Squirtle’s weakened front shell with a sickening crunch.

Sat up in my seat here.

The explanation seems a bit forced here. I really should have been clearer early in the story about knocking out vs. killing, and that it's pretty difficult to accidentally kill someone, unless it's an overwhelmingly powerful hit – I think you've mentioned this problem before.

The Desert Cat said:

He didn’t object; it was Mewtwo’s privilege as their master. It was so different from the gentle touch that Mewtwo used now.

Yeah seriously. This flashback is pretty shocking in contrast with Mewtwo's current attitude.

It was kind of odd, having Arcanine consciously compare Mewtwo-then to Mewtwo-now, but since it's a dream, I think it works.

The Desert Cat said:

They foyer was an opulent, silly room, Arcanine thought, three stories tall and twenty meters across, with a polished marble floor, and walls and columns all painted gaudy gold.

Seriously, Mewtwo.

At this point, Mewtwo is still planning to become a champion Pokemon trainer, so he did kind of have a reason for it.

The Desert Cat said:

She had laughed aloud when she first saw it, despite being surrounded by potentially hostile Pokémon. Even Mewtwo admitted now that his taste had been awful when he designed it.

I can see Mewtwo admitting that the same way a cat licks themselves after making a clumsy jump.

Absolutely

The Desert Cat said:

Mewtwo valued his privacy, and ordinarily, Arcanine would not have interrupted him. This wasn’t an ordinary time, and they didn’t have time for this. Let Mewtwo be angry.

Arcanine took a few steps back, then charged. The door wasn’t a security door, but it was fire-rated; solid, heavy wood in a metal frame, and sturdier than it looked. Something in his shoulder popped under the impact in a blinding white instant of pain. The latch gave way as well, and the door slammed open against the wall. Mewtwo looked slowly up from his desk, eyes glowing with restrained power.

#I heard you knock,# Mewtwo said calmly, #if I wanted to speak with you, I would have answered.#

Ahh, this was tense. Good on Arcanine for not being intimidated.

The Desert Cat said:

“We gave up on Champions because you four idiots just kept challenging each other in a circle. We gave up on Republic cause we all should have known who’d get elected, and you guys couldn’t agree on anything. We gave up on Consensus because we all couldn’t agree on stupid pokefood flavors.

Omg.

Vulpix tells us how she really feels.

The Desert Cat said:

“Wait,” Ninetales said, “Arcanine, not you. Go talk to Sandslash again. We’re going to beg, and you don’t beg well.”

Never a truer word spoken there, lol. Ninetales is very good at the goup politics.

Someone has to be, because neither Arcanine nor Mewtwo know how.

The Desert Cat said:

He smelled as if he had just bathed, but it did nothing to mask the scent of fear and guilt. His plates and spikes were polished, and he wore a bright green ribbon tied around the spike on the top of his head; Vulpix had told him once that it looked dashing.

No, Sandslash! Ugh, and he's gotten all cleaned up for his own suicide.

His last chance to be remembered well.

The Desert Cat said:

“I’m calling an assembly,” Ninetales said, “Motion: repeal Bushido.”

Everyone looked around, unsure how to respond.

“I don’t think you can do that,” Charizard said eventually, “we’re not a democracy any more.”

“Of course we are,” Ninetales answered confidently, “we voted to become a feudal monarchy, just like all the other laws we passed. We can repeal it the same way.”

Ninetales is MVP.

I wish I'd done more with her – she turned out to be an interesting character, even though I didn't have much of a plan for her at the start. That's okay – if I ever get back to writing, we'll see more of her and the rest of the (surviving) Family.

The Desert Cat said:

“Yes, like Team Rocket. Mewtwo is the boss, and you four are the generals.” Hitmonlee nodded toward the four elder clones. “And we’re the grunts.”

“That’s...actually fairly accurate,” Venosaur said, “but we can’t tell Mewtwo we want to be like Team Rocket.”

Amazing. I'm just imagining Mewtwo's face if they went to him with that proposal.

That would be an interesting meeting to watch.

The Desert Cat said:

#That’s it?# Mewtwo asked once Charizard had finished, #no rules, just being nice?#

Apparently!!

Sounds easy, doesn't it?

 

[The Desert Cat]

Good day! Hope you're doing well! This is my review for Chapter 1 and so far, I'm digging it.

The idea of having an amnesiac Pokémon coming from a place with humans but not being a human himself is a rather unique take on the traditional troupe and I'm curious to how you'll handle it. I find myself wondering how he would react to the Teams from the original games having amnesiac humans. I feel like they could get along though there will probably be some conflict and drama before that.

The descriptions of the environment around the characters are well-detailed, and they provide a great feeling of immersion and make the world feel more alive.

Arcanine has some interesting history and from the tidbits available, I wonder whether we'll get an adventure of him trying to recover those lost memories. The descriptions of his battle scars help let us know that he was probably a strong fighter back in his original world and he had seen a lot in his time. He's a strong and tough character that had isolated himself for some reason, partially from his lost memories and getting chased out by a town he'd visited. (We'll probably learn more about that later)

Zorua is cute, she's young, mischievous and too curious for her own good. I like the conflict and idea of her facing discrimination due to being a Zorua, and her having to disguise as an Eevee helps cement that feeling of being an outcast as she couldn't dare show her true self to anyone around her. Her being an orphan also makes her feel more alone and can allow her to empathize with the lonely Arcanine.

Their interactions with one another were nice and captured their initial uncertainty about each other pretty well.

That said, the plot from here is unknown and it leaves a lot of guessing and there's not much info for me to work with.

But that's fine, this had peaked my interest and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Anyway, take care!

Thanks!

It is a bit of a slow start, but I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.