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Review response 1
  • Axihdio

    Script fics are my thing.
    Pronouns
    He/Him
    Hey! I'm here to review Chapter 1 for Catnip.

    First off, I was a bit worried that this being the sequel to a story I've never read would mean that I would be lost, but I suppose I followed along fine. Mostly I just didn't know the weight around certain things, like whatever put Daisuke in a coma and what his history with Jaiden was, but that's to be expected jumping in the middle of a narrative like this. And I was surprised when Daisuke had psychic powers, but I suppose not that surprised in the end since people with psychic powers do canonically exist in Pokémon to begin with.


    I'm 100% Team "The Oxford Comma Isn't Mandatory", but here it looks a bit odd. It could perhaps be better if it was "his school's headmaster Joseph as well as Jaiden" so that it's clear the two aren't connected. It's also kind of weird that we're told who Jean and Kakuro and Joseph are (friends, then headmaster) but Jaiden is left without a descriptor. Is Jaiden the only returning character out of these?


    damn, that daisuke is always forgetting the language of the netherlands


    I wonder if it would be easier if Daisuke's siblings' names were established before the dialogue sections so that they wouldn't have to change their monikers in the middle of dialogue.


    Is Julie meant to be unreasonable here? I'm not sure how it's under Kosuke's control whether or not the food is shit in a place he just saw. In general, it's kind of a mean thing for a parent to say to her child to begin with. That can be intentional, but I'm pointing it out in case it isn't.


    Aw his previous adventure has made him paranoid about being attacked while out with his family :(


    The phrase "the 20th floor" being present three times in the same paragraph feels kind of repetitive. Alternate phrasing could possibly make it flow better.


    The written out screams seem a bit excessive with how long they are.

    ---

    So, I don't really have enough context to give a proper evaluation of how this chapter works as the opener to the second book, but it does seem fitting from what I've managed to infer. We see what's going on with the protagonist after his first adventure (return to normalcy), we see him meet up with a friend from the first book again with a change to her appearance to reinforce the passage of time, and the final section shows a new threat that is emerging in the world. I don't really know how Mew (who is surprisingly malicious) relates to the virus outbreak mentioned in the synopsis, but I suppose the rest of the story would answer that.

    That's all the feedback I have, really. Good luck writing onward, and see you around.
    Thanks for the review Canisaries! I admit, the only reason why I put this story here was to get some early feedback on it but I guess you could read the first part later if you have the time. Good luck and good writing to you too!
     
    Pokémon Rebirth 2 Chapter 2
  • Axihdio

    Script fics are my thing.
    Pronouns
    He/Him
    Chapter 2 - Viral Outbreak

    Outside the Castelia City Gym, 6:47 p.m.:

    Two trainers were arguing over who was going to challenge the city's Pokémon Gym. (The gym was closed that day because the Gym Leader was sick but they didn't know about that.)

    Trainer 1: I got here first fool!

    Trainer 2: You know what, who wins this battle will get to go first!

    Trainer 1: Alright then, bring it the fuck on!

    Both Pokémon Trainers summoned their Pokémon from their Pokéballs. Trainer 1 summoned his Feraligatr while Trainer 2 summoned his Decidueye. Both Pokémon proceeded to engage each other in combat while their Trainers barked orders at them.

    Trainer 2: Decidueye! Pin that Feraligatr with Spirit Shackle!

    Decidueye proceeded to shoot Feraligatr in the right foot with Spirit Shackle which prevented Trainer 1 from switching Feraligatr out while also causing Feraligatr to be cut and slowed down.

    Trainer 1: (Fuck!) Feraligatr, use Ice Beam on that Decidueye!

    Feraligatr then fired an Ice Beam towards Decidueye. However, Decidueye dodged the attack by soaring up into the sky. Seeing this, Feraligatr proceeded to fire the attack repeatedly until it connected with Decidueye which caused it to fall out of the sky onto the ground where Feraligatr was about to deal the finishing blow until a Pidove suddenly flew in out of nowhere at unreal speeds. After landing, it began shaking extremely violently before it started bleeding from its eyes and exploded which caused both Trainers to recoil in fear.

    Trainer 2: Oh shit!

    Trainer 1: Eahh!

    Feraligatr: *Confused and slightly painful roar*

    Trainer 1: Feraligatr, is something wrong?

    Trainer 1 looked towards Feraligatr's open wound, there he saw that some reddish purple substance had entered the wound.

    Feraligatr: *Loud and painful roar*

    After giving out a loud and painful roar, Feraligatr began to have a seizure. Its snout began extending, its legs were ripped outwards from their joints and muscles grew from its thighs and connected underneath its stomach. Its dorsal plate fell off of its back before a single large uneven one burst out from Feraligatr's spine to replace it. Its eyes lost their black markings and became fully red and much more constricted.

    Trainer 1: Feraligatr!

    Trainer 1 then took Feraligatr's Pokéball out from his pocket. Suddenly, Feraligatr pounced on him and violently stabbed him multiple times in the stomach with its claws.

    Trainer 2: Oh god!

    Trainer 2 attempted to escape but Feraligatr was able to grab onto his foot. His last words were that of an agonizing scream.

    Trainer 2: Eahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    On the other side of the city- 10 minutes later.

    Daisuke and his family were doing some sightseeing when they all felt multiple ominous presences nearby followed by screams of terror.

    Daisuke: (What was that?!)

    Daisuke turned his back to see multiple people running towards them. He could sense the fear that surrounded them. That's when he saw what they were running away from. Multiple Pokémon that had bleeding eyes and the same dark psychopathic grin on their faces.

    Daisuke: Oh shit, everyone run!

    Daisuke and his family immediately ran in the opposite direction of the horde of infected Pokémon as fast as they could. The sight of the rabid infected Pokémon shook the people to their very cores. As they were running, they saw multiple people get mauled to death by the infected Pokémon. Their screams of pure terror were ingrained into their minds. They made a right, a left and another right into an alleyway. A dead end for normal people but not for them.

    Daisuke: Everyone, I'll lift you guys up the-

    An arrow is shot out of nowhere and stabs both Kosuke and Jennie through their necks.

    Daisuke: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

    Julie: NAAAAAOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

    Dutch: Breeeeeeee!!!! (Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!!!!)


    Using his psychic abilities, Daisuke split another arrow that was heading towards him into eight arrows back at the infected Pokémon. Three arrows hit the infected Pokémon straight in the head, killing it instantly. Daisuke walked towards the dead infected. It was a Decidueye but it had blood dripping out of its eyes which were now completely reddish orange.

    Daisuke then looked towards his mother and Dutch who were weeping over the dead bodies of Kosuke and Jennie. Daisuke went to their side and used his telekinetic abilities to gather clean papers to cover the bodies of his siblings. He then made a prayer before lighting the papers on fire with his flame element. Daisuke then sent a psychic message to Jaiden warning her about the infected Pokémon.


    Daisuke: (Jaiden, this is serious. Some Pokémon have gone berserk and are killing people. One's taken out my siblings. Whatever you do, stay away from any Pokémon with blood coming out of their eyes or other orifices. I'll be heading towards your location now. If you see any of those Pokémon come towards your location, RUN.)

    After sending the message, Daisuke, Dutch and his mother departed to Jaiden's current location while also making sure to save anyone nearby from the infected Pokémon.

    At Jaiden's current location- The hotel diner.

    Jaiden was eating with her friends when she received the psychic message from Daisuke. She immediately stopped eating her salad which caused one of her friends to become concerned.

    Girl: Is everything alright Jaiden?

    Jaiden: Yeah, everything's fine Shannon don't worry about me too much.

    The Mutant Feraligatr from earlier then bursted into the hotel. It then pounced on one of the employees and mauled him to death in one bite before letting out a deep terrifying roar. Seeing this, the people who were in the restaurant panicked and ran away in fear.

    Jaiden: Everyone, run!

    Jaiden and her friends began running to the exit but the mutant Feraligatr leaped over from where the employee's corpse was all the way to the exit.

    Jaiden: Oh shit! (What kind of Feraligatr is that?! It's way faster, stronger and more violent than any other one I've seen!)

    Shannon and the rest of Jaiden's friends: AIEEE!!!!!!

    Mutant Feraligatr: HROOOOORGGGHHHHH!!!!!

    The Mutant Feraligatr then lunged towards Jaiden and her friends. Jaiden however was able to give it a direct kick to the snout which sent it careening into nearby table. It however managed to use one of the chairs that surrounded the table as a springboard to launch itself back at Jaiden who was then hit full force with an Aqua Jet from the Mutant Feraligatr which caused her to be slammed through several tables into and into the wall which caused her to break three of her posterior ribs.

    Jaiden: Phleak!!!!!! (Need to heal. NOW!)

    Jaiden prepared to heal herself but the Mutant Feraligatr began running towards her on its fours extremely quickly. With no time to spare, Jaiden put her right hand in front of herself in an extremely desperate move to save herself. The Mutant Feraliagtr's hands began to contort before it was blasted by pieces from the wall on its left as it was broken by an unknown force. Out of the smoke from the rubble came Daisuke who had a determined look on his face.

    Jaiden: Huh? Daisuke, you're here!

    Daisuke then summoned multiple small earth spikes which he used to coat his arms before using telekinesis to pull the Mutant Feraligatr towards him before giving it the:

    Daisuke: ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The Mutant Feraligatr was sent flying up so high from Daisuke's barrage of punches that it reached a maximum height of 200 metres before falling back down towards the ground. Daisuke then generated an extremely high amount of electric charge in the clouds above the Mutant Feraligatr before sending all it towards the Mutant Feraligatr in the form of multiple gigantic red lightning bolts. The bolts shocked the Mutant Feraligatr with such a high voltage that its body was burned black and became dust as the wind blew it away.


    Mutant Feraligatr - Burned black and turned to dust by Daisuke Serizawa's lightning ability.

    Daisuke: (Yare yare daze. That Feraligatr.. It looked just as crazed as that Decidueye that killed my siblings. But it wasn't bleeding from its eyes at all.)

    Shannon: Hey uh, could you help get Jaiden up?

    Daisuke: Oh, sorry.

    Daisuke lifted Jaiden off the ground using telekinesis.

    Daisuke: Jaiden, are you hurt?

    Jaiden: A bit, but nothing I can't heal.

    One of Jaiden's friends who had black hair and a small goatee spoke up.

    Guy 2: Hold up! Who the fuck is that Daisuke guy and how do you know him?!

    Jaiden: We go to the same school, that's how I know him. We also have the same English teacher who just so happens to be our principal!
    Daisuke: Anyways, I'm going to need you guys to follow me.
    Guy 2: And why should we huh?
    Daisuke: It's not safe out there. I can tell from the way you look that you don't have many Pokémon at your disposal. Is that true?

    Guy 2: (Damn, how does he know?! He's definitely some kind of psychic!)

    Daisuke: It seems like you agree with me. Now, let's go.

    Daisuke walked off in the opposite direction. Seeing this, Jaiden and her friends decided to follow him to where he was bringing them.
    End of Chapter 2
    Pokémon Biography: Mutant Feraligatr

    1772508868818.jpeg

    Height: 7 foot 9 inches (236.33 cm)
    Weight: 93 kg

    Feraligatr after it was infected by the mysterious virus from the Pidove. It is much stronger, faster and more aggressive compared to a normal Feraligatr. Its capabilities are mostly intact but it now has an additional ability to infect any other Pokémon with the same virus that courses through its veins.
     
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    Pokémon Rebirth 2 Chapter 3 New
  • Axihdio

    Script fics are my thing.
    Pronouns
    He/Him
    Chapter 3, The Battle Before The War

    Lumiose City, 15 minutes before Daisuke fought the Mutant Feraligatr.

    It was a rainy and quiet day. Jean looked out of his apartment window and saw several trainers jumping or gliding or whatever the fuck that action is supposed to be from rooftop to rooftop using their Rotom phones.

    Jean: Man, don't they ever feel like they look stupid doing that? What if they accidentally throw their Rotom phone into the air? Unless they have a flying type, they're fucked.

    ???: You should really find more positive things to talk about Jean.

    Jean: Oh come on Chevelle, I'm just being realistic here.

    Chevelle: In a world with animals who can evolve in seconds and also utilize various destructive moves and which we use for multiple different purposes? Hardly.

    Chevelle then wheeled herself to the window before opening it with her right hand which let some of the cold winter air flow into their apartment. However, Chevelle began coughing profusely as Jean rushed to her.

    Jean: Chevelle!

    Chevelle:*cough* *cough* Shit, shouldn't have done that.

    Jean: Never mind, I'll get some of your medicine.

    Jean then takes Chevelle's medicine from the counter and gives it to her. Chevelle's cough stops shortly after.

    Jean: See, it worked like a charm!

    Just then, the doorbell rings.

    Jean: Who might be there?

    Jean opened the door and was greeted by a familiar figure with red hair and purple eyes.

    ???: Surprise!

    Jean: Kakuro! How have you been?

    Kakuro: Oh, I've been doing well lately. I've been travelling across the world.


    Jean: Your parents allowed you to do that?

    Kakuro: Yeah, they said that the trip would teach me to be more independent and responsible. I agreed because I wanted to finally be able to see the rest of the world in a non-lethal adventure!

    Chevelle: Excuse me, what did you mean by "non-lethal adventure"?

    Kakuro: By that I mean an adventure whe- Oh, hello there! I'm Kakuro. What's your name?

    Chevelle: Uh, my name's Chevelle and I'm Jean's sister.

    Kakuro: Oh, nice to meet you Chevelle!

    Kakuro notices Chevelle's missing legs but refrains from asking about them.

    Kakuro: So Chevelle, what do you like to do in your free time?

    Chevelle: Well, I used to be a gymnast but ever since my legs were amputated, I just- never mind.

    Jean: Well, how about we go out for a walk?

    Chevelle: Yeah, I guess we could go for one.

    The three of them then exited the apartment complex before crossing the street and going to a nearby park.

    Kakuro then noticed a digital fence surrounding the park which was extremely odd.

    Kakuro: Jean, why is there a digital fence surrounding the park?

    Jean: Ah, that was the former mayor's pipe dream made a reality.

    Kakuro: What do you mean by that?

    Chevelle: Well, our former mayor thought that it was a great idea to put wild Pokémon in a densely populated area with a bunch of people and domesticated Pokémon. You can guess how well that turned out.

    Jean: That asshole was then arrested and impeached before the wild Pokémon were returned to their natural habitats by the Pokémon Rangers. However, they city's still in the midst of reverting the parks back to their pre-wild zone state so some of them will retain their digital fences for a while.

    Kakuro: Wait, where are we going to?

    Jean: Oh shit. I didn't think about where we were supposed to go to next.

    Chevelle: Well maybe we could go to this one-

    Suddenly, a nearby convention centre was lit ablaze.

    Kakuro: Jean, get Chevelle to safety!

    Jean: On it!

    As Jean was wheeling Chevelle to safety, Kakuro rushed into the convention centre as fast as he could. After entering the convention centre, the scene shook Kakuro to his core. There were corpses everywhere and many people were being killed by various Pokémon.

    Man: Please! I have a fa-

    Salazzle: Nope!

    The man was burned to death by the Salazzle as Kakuro ran towards her before giving her a roundhouse kick to the jaw, knocking her back.

    Kakuro: The hell is wrong with you?! Killing an innocent man like that!

    Salazzle: Innocent?! Typical human mentality. Only sticking up for their kind and using Pokémon like tools!

    The Salazzle then breathed a flamethrower towards Kakuro who telekinetically shaped the flames into a fireball before launching it back at her.

    Salazzle: Thhouegg!!!

    Kakuro then used telekinesis again to lift the Salazzle up before turning around and slamming her into the ground in front of him before he repeated it again and again before he telekinetically blew hole through her stomach, killing her. However, a Shiftry and a Luxray then jumped from one of the upper stories of the convention centre in an attempt to jump him. Kakuro unleashed an Amethyst Wave in their direction and they were immediately obliterated. Some of the survivors from the explosion looked in awe at Kakuro as he realised that he had been fighting the enemy Pokémon in front of the survivors the entire time.

    Kakuro: Uhhhh, run in the other direction and get some help!

    The survivors complied and ran in the opposite direction while Kakuro went further into the convention centre where he saw the corpses of multiple people and what looked to be their Pokémon.

    Kakuro: Oh my goodness. This must be the work of the enemy Pokémon!

    Just then, Kakuro sensed 36 more psychic signatures approaching quickly, 16 from the left, 12 from the right and 8 from above. He jumped into the air, delivering a spinning kick to 4 of the airborne enemies before impaling them using several Amethyst Rods generated from his fingertips. Kakuro proceeded to slam the 4 remaining airborne enemies into the enemies on the ground before delivering a diving kick to one of the grounded Pokémon before Kakuro released a wide purple coloured energy slash from his hands. Before the slash cut through most of the enemies, kakuro detonated it while it was in the middle of cutting through the enemy Pokémon which caused them to be blown to kingdom come and shocked the remaining enemy Pokémon.

    Kakuro: That was one of my new special moves, Kingdom Deliverance! Quite a fitting name, isn't it?

    Kakuro then continued his assault on the enemy Pokémon by combining the use of both of his abilities and hand-to hand combat. After beating on the remaining enemy Pokémon for a little bit before he began charging up an Amethyst Wave in his hands.

    Kakuro: Take this! Amethyst-

    Jean suddenly comes flying towards the enemy Pokémon on a giant silver aura sword. He then jumps off of it as it splits into multiple silver aura daggers which pierce the enemy Pokémon at various points.

    Kakuro: WAVE!!

    Kakuro fires the Amethyst Wave at the enemy Pokémon. The Amethyst Wave's explosion reacts with Jean's aura daggers which caused an even bigger explosion which completely eradicated the remaining enemy Pokémon, leaving nothing left of them.

    Kakuro: Damn Jean, since when could you do stuff like this? Wait, where's Chevelle?

    Jean: She's back at the apartment. I came back to see if you needed my help.

    Kakuro: Well, I guess I could use your help in locating any survivors.

    Kakuro then used psychic sensing in order to detect any survivors. To his surprise, there was only 1 psychic signature.

    Kakuro: Shit! There's only 1 psychic signature. That means that those Pokémon killed everyone that didn't escape in time except the owner of the psychic signature I'm detecting.

    Jean: Then we must not waste time. Lead the way, Kakuro!

    Kakuro and Jean then rushed towards the location of the psychic signature. As they delved further, they discovered more corpses belonging to both humans and Pokémon. Some of them were missing eyes, some of them were missing limbs and some of them even had their internal organs spilling out.

    Jean: Mon dieu... What kind of Pokémon is capable of such a massacre? It even killed multiple psychic types and several dragon types!

    Kakuro (sensing the area around them): I don't understand, there was only 1 psychic signature when I last checked. Was the owner of that psychic signature the one who did this?

    Jean: Let's not dwell on that thought.

    Kakuro: !!! Jean, left!

    Kakuro and Jean dodge to the left and quickly come face to face with their assailant.

    Jean: Son of a bitch.

    Kakuro: Shit.

    They had come face to face with another Cyksorial. It was much larger and had sharper horns than the one that they had faced in Orre eight months prior. The one that killed Abdul and the one that they were unable to defeat because it ran away shortly after Joseph joined the fray.

    Strangely, the Cyksorial looked like it was ill. Soon, blood began pouring out of its eyes as it lunged towards the both of them. Kakuro blasted it away using a telekinetically enhanced Amethyst Wave before he and Jean prepared to finish it off. However, the Cyksorial's exoskeleton began cracking as it began shaking violently.

    Jean: What the hell is happening to it!?

    Kakuro: Take cover!

    Kakuro generated a barrier that surrounded himself and Jean as the Cyksorial exploded into a pile of flesh and exoskeleton pieces.

    Jean: Mon dieu!

    Kakuro: Eughhh.. Let's just go get the survivor.

    The both of them then hastily made their way to the location of the psychic signature which was the convention centre's male toilet. Upon entering it, Kakuro broke down the door to one of the stalls. In there was an unconscious individual wearing a shiny Zeraora costume.

    Kakuro:.......

    Jean: Uh Kakuro, are you okay?

    Kakuro: It's nothing. Just get him and move out.

    As Jean carried the survivor on his shoulder, the both of them raced back to the apartment as fast as they could.

    End of Chapter 3.

    Author's notes:

    Sorry for the two month gap in between chapters 2 and 3! I was busy with my exams. Anyways, happy 7th anniversary to Thousand Roads!

    Character Biography: Chevelle Van Cardin.

    Chevelle is Jean's younger twin sister. They were both raised together by their mother until she passed away from a heart disease when they were both 8 years old. Chevelle also used to be a gymnast but ever since her legs were amputated, she has been confined to a wheelchair.

    Height: 5 foot 4 inches (162.5 cm)

    Likes: Gymnastics, spending time with her friends and family and getting new clothes.

    Dislikes: Being stuck in one spot for too long, hot weather and chaos.
     
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