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Pokémon Rebirth 2 Chapter 2
  • Axihdio

    Script fics are my thing.
    Pronouns
    He/Him
    Hey! I'm here to review Chapter 1 for Catnip.

    First off, I was a bit worried that this being the sequel to a story I've never read would mean that I would be lost, but I suppose I followed along fine. Mostly I just didn't know the weight around certain things, like whatever put Daisuke in a coma and what his history with Jaiden was, but that's to be expected jumping in the middle of a narrative like this. And I was surprised when Daisuke had psychic powers, but I suppose not that surprised in the end since people with psychic powers do canonically exist in Pokémon to begin with.


    I'm 100% Team "The Oxford Comma Isn't Mandatory", but here it looks a bit odd. It could perhaps be better if it was "his school's headmaster Joseph as well as Jaiden" so that it's clear the two aren't connected. It's also kind of weird that we're told who Jean and Kakuro and Joseph are (friends, then headmaster) but Jaiden is left without a descriptor. Is Jaiden the only returning character out of these?


    damn, that daisuke is always forgetting the language of the netherlands


    I wonder if it would be easier if Daisuke's siblings' names were established before the dialogue sections so that they wouldn't have to change their monikers in the middle of dialogue.


    Is Julie meant to be unreasonable here? I'm not sure how it's under Kosuke's control whether or not the food is shit in a place he just saw. In general, it's kind of a mean thing for a parent to say to her child to begin with. That can be intentional, but I'm pointing it out in case it isn't.


    Aw his previous adventure has made him paranoid about being attacked while out with his family :(


    The phrase "the 20th floor" being present three times in the same paragraph feels kind of repetitive. Alternate phrasing could possibly make it flow better.


    The written out screams seem a bit excessive with how long they are.

    ---

    So, I don't really have enough context to give a proper evaluation of how this chapter works as the opener to the second book, but it does seem fitting from what I've managed to infer. We see what's going on with the protagonist after his first adventure (return to normalcy), we see him meet up with a friend from the first book again with a change to her appearance to reinforce the passage of time, and the final section shows a new threat that is emerging in the world. I don't really know how Mew (who is surprisingly malicious) relates to the virus outbreak mentioned in the synopsis, but I suppose the rest of the story would answer that.

    That's all the feedback I have, really. Good luck writing onward, and see you around.
    Thanks for the review Canisaries! I admit, the only reason why I put this story here was to get some early feedback on it but I guess you could read the first part later if you have the time. Good luck and good writing to you too!
     
    Pokémon Rebirth 2 Chapter 2 New
  • Axihdio

    Script fics are my thing.
    Pronouns
    He/Him
    Chapter 2 - Viral Outbreak

    Outside the Castelia City Gym, 6:47 p.m.:

    Two trainers were arguing over who was going to challenge the city's Pokémon Gym. (The gym was closed that day because the Gym Leader was sick but they didn't know about that.)

    Trainer 1: I got here first fool!

    Trainer 2: You know what, who wins this battle will get to go first!

    Trainer 1: Alright then, bring it the fuck on!

    Both Pokémon Trainers summoned their Pokémon from their Pokéballs. Trainer 1 summoned his Feraligatr while Trainer 2 summoned his Decidueye. Both Pokémon proceeded to engage each other in combat while their Trainers barked orders at them.

    Trainer 2: Decidueye! Pin that Feraligatr with Spirit Shackle!

    Decidueye proceeded to shoot Feraligatr in the right foot with Spirit Shackle which prevented Trainer 1 from switching Feraligatr out while also causing Feraligatr to be cut and slowed down.

    Trainer 1: (Fuck!) Feraligatr, use Ice Beam on that Decidueye!

    Feraligatr then fired and Ice Beam towards Decidueye. However, Decidueye dodged the attack by soaring up into the sky. Seeing this, Feraligatr proceeded to fire the attack repeatedly until it connected with Decidueye which caused it to fall out of the sky onto the ground where Feraligatr was about to deal the finishing blow until a Pidove suddenly flew in out of nowhere at unreal speeds. After landing, it began shaking extremely violently before it started bleeding from its eyes and exploded which caused both Trainers to recoil in fear.

    Trainer 2: Oh shit!

    Trainer 1: Eahh!

    Feraligatr: *Confused and slightly painful roar*

    Trainer 1: Feraligatr, is something wrong?

    Trainer 1 looked towards Feraligatr's open wound, there he saw that some reddish purple substance had entered the wound.

    Feraligatr: *Loud and painful roar*

    After giving out a loud and painful roar, Feraligatr began to have a seizure. Its snout began extending, its legs were ripped outwards from their joints and muscles grew from its thighs and connected underneath its stomach. Its dorsal plate fell off of its back before a single large uneven one burst out from Feraligatr's spine to replace it. Its eyes lost their black markings and became fully red and much more constricted.

    Trainer 1: Feraligatr!

    Trainer 1 then took Feraligatr's Pokéball out from his pocket. Suddenly, Feraligatr pounced on him and violently stabbed him multiple times in the stomach with its claws.

    Trainer 2: Oh god!

    Trainer 2 attempted to escape but Feraligatr was able to grab onto his foot. His last words were that of an agonizing scream.

    Trainer 2: Eahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    On the other side of the city- 10 minutes later.

    Daisuke and his family were doing some sightseeing when they all felt multiple ominous presences nearby followed by screams of terror.

    Daisuke: (What was that?!)

    Daisuke turned his back to see multiple people running towards them. He could sense the fear that surrounded them. That's when he saw what they were running away from. Multiple Pokémon that had bleeding eyes and the same dark psychopathic grin on their faces.

    Daisuke: Oh shit, everyone run!

    Daisuke and his family immediately ran in the opposite direction of the horde of infected Pokémon as fast as they could. The sight of the rabid infected Pokémon shook the people to their very cores. As they were running, they saw multiple people get mauled to death by the infected Pokémon. Their screams of pure terror were ingrained into their minds. They made a right, a left and another right into an alleyway. A dead end for normal people but not for them.

    Daisuke: Everyone, I'll lift you guys up the-

    An arrow is shot out of nowhere and stabs both Kosuke and Jennie through their necks.

    Daisuke: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

    Julie: NAAAAAOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

    Dutch: Breeeeeeee!!!! (Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!!!!)


    Using his psychic abilities, Daisuke split another arrow that was heading towards him into eight arrows back at the infected Pokémon. Three arrows hit the infected Pokémon straight in the head, killing it instantly. Daisuke walked towards the dead infected. It was a Decidueye but it had blood dripping out of its eyes which were now completely reddish orange.

    Daisuke then looked towards his mother and Dutch who were weeping over the dead bodies of Kosuke and Jennie. Daisuke went to their side and used his telekinetic abilities to gather clean papers to cover the bodies of his siblings. He then made a prayer before lighting the papers on fire with his flame element. Daisuke then sent a psychic message to Jaiden warning her about the infected Pokémon.


    Daisuke: (Jaiden, this is serious. Some Pokémon have gone berserk and are killing people. One's taken out my siblings. Whatever you do, stay away from any Pokémon with blood coming out of their eyes or other orifices. I'll be heading towards your location now. If you see any of those Pokémon come towards your location, RUN.)

    After sending the message, Daisuke, Dutch and his mother departed to Jaiden's current location while also making sure to save anyone nearby from the infected Pokémon.

    At Jaiden's current location- The hotel diner.

    Jaiden was eating with her friends when she received the psychic message from Daisuke. She immediately stopped eating her salad which caused one of her friends to become concerned.

    Girl: Is everything alright Jaiden?

    Jaiden: Yeah, everything's fine Shannon don't worry about me too much.

    The Mutant Feraligatr from earlier then bursted into the hotel. It them pounced on one of the employees and mauled him to death in one bite before letting out a deep terrifying roar. Seeing this, the people who were in the restaurant panicked and ran away in fear.

    Jaiden: Everyone, run!

    Jaiden and her friends began running to the exit but the mutant Feraligatr leaped over from where the employee's corpse was all the way to the exit.

    Jaiden: Oh shit! (What kind of Feraligatr is that?! It's way faster, stronger and more violent than any other one I've seen!)

    Shannon and the rest of Jaiden's friends: AIEEE!!!!!!

    Mutant Feraligatr: HROOOOORGGGHHHHH!!!!!

    The Mutant Feraligatr then lunged towards Jaiden and her friends. Jaiden however was able to give it a direct kick to the snout which sent it careening into nearby table. It however managed to use one of the chairs that surrounded the table as a springboard to launch itself back at Jaiden who was then hit full force with an Aqua Jet from the Mutant Feraligatr which caused her to be slammed through several tables into and into the wall which caused her to break three of her posterior ribs.

    Jaiden: Phleak!!!!!! (Need to heal. NOW!)

    Jaiden prepared to heal herself but the Mutant Feraligatr began running towards her on its fours extremely quickly. With no time to spare, Jaiden put her right hand in front of herself in an extremely desperate move to save herself. The Mutant Feraliagtr's hands began to contort before it was blasted by pieces from the wall on its left as it was broken by an unknown force. Out of the smoke from the rubble came Daisuke who had a determined look on his face.

    Jaiden: Huh? Daisuke, you're here!

    Daisuke then summoned multiple small earth spikes which he used to coat his arms before using telekinesis to pull the Mutant Feraligatr towards him before giving it the:

    Daisuke: ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROA ROAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The Mutant Feraligatr was sent flying up so high from Daisuke's barrage of punches that it reached a maximum height of 200 metres before falling back down towards the ground. Daisuke then generated an extremely high amount of electric charge in the clouds above the Mutant Feraligatr before sending all it towards the Mutant Feraligatr in the form of multiple gigantic red lightning bolts. The bolts shocked the Mutant Feraligatr with such a high voltage that its body was burned black and became dust as the wind blew it away.


    Mutant Feraligatr - Burned black and turned to dust by Daisuke Serizawa's lightning ability.

    Daisuke: (Yare yare daze. That Feraligatr.. It looked just as crazed as that Decidueye that killed my siblings. But it wasn't bleeding from its eyes at all.)

    Shannon: Hey uh, could you help get Jaiden up?

    Daisuke: Oh, sorry.

    Daisuke lifted Jaiden off the ground using telekinesis.

    Daisuke: Jaiden, are you hurt?

    Jaiden: A bit, but nothing I can't heal.

    One of Jaiden's friends who had black hair and a small goatee spoke up.

    Guy 2: Hold up! Who the fuck is that Daisuke guy and how do you know him?!

    Jaiden: We go to the same school, that's how I know him. We also have the same English teacher who just so happens to be our principal!
    Daisuke: Anyways, I'm going to need you guys to follow me.
    Guy 2: And why should we huh?
    Daisuke: It's not safe out there. I can tell from the way you look that you don't have many Pokémon at your disposal. Is that true?

    Guy 2: (Damn, how does he know?! Is he some kind of psychic?)
    Daisuke: It seems like you agree with me. Now, let's go.

    Daisuke walked off in the opposite direction. Seeing this, Jaiden and her friends decided to follow him to where he was bringing them.
    End of Chapter 2
    Pokémon Biography: Mutant Feraligatr

    1772508868818.jpeg

    Height: 7 foot 9 inches (236.33 cm)
    Weight: 93 kg

    Feraligatr after it was infected by the mysterious virus from the Pidove. It is much stronger, faster and more aggressive compared to a normal Feraligatr. Its capabilities are mostly intact but it now has an additional ability to infect any other Pokémon with the same virus that courses through its veins.
     
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