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Pokémon Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Embered truths

Author's notes. New

dwey

feeling the sunshine
Location
A place.
Pronouns
He/Him
Hey all, it's my first time posting here or anywhere, really.
It's also my first story. It's the result of months of rambling and of being inspired by other fan works, which encouraged me to give it a try and write something myself. I don’t expect to create anything amazing or incredibly original, but if you at least enjoy what you read, then I’m satisfied.

Any kind of criticism is welcome. Also, English is not my first language, so please let me know about any grammatical errors.
I hope only to keep improving as time goes on.
 
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Chapter 1: New world. New

dwey

feeling the sunshine
Location
A place.
Pronouns
He/Him
The valley lay quiet, wrapped in an intense calm. The wind—gentle for this fleeting moment—carried a cold whisper that rustled the scattered leaves of the few trees dotting the landscape. Sunset was not far now; with it would fade the day’s activity and the soft hum of life that accompanied each passing hour. Already, the stillness that signals a time for rest was settling in. That familiar hour when one can finally relax after a long day’s work and gather strength for whatever tomorrow might bring.
Yet not everyone was granted such luxury, as for some, rest remained a distant, impossible thing.

“Ugh…”

In the middle of the valley, a narrow river cut patiently through the land, its waters nearly crystal-clear. The current was slow and steady enough that crossing from one bank to the other would have been effortless. And on one such riverbank, a lone figure began to stir.

(Aaa… why does everything hurt so much?)

Still half-asleep, she became aware of the cold, unforgiving ground beneath her. With a shaky push of her hands, she managed to sit up and slowly opened both eyes.

What she encountered was unlike anything she could recognize.

Before her stretched a vast valley cradled between two immense mountain ranges—so enormous that one couldn't see the end of either no matter the direction. The peaks were jagged and uneven, some towering far above the rest, their rocky flanks plunging into steep slopes of loose stone and dark earth. Far ahead, near the valley’s heart, a colossal snow-dusted summit loomed. Behind it, the sun was setting, blinding her vision and forcing her to look away. It was, apparently, the biggest mountain of the region. The trail of land surrounding the valley was scattered with patches of moss—small, vivid islands of green against the barren terrain. Everything felt raw, untouched, and so natural, unlike anything she had ever seen.

(Wow… what is this place… how did I get here I don't remember…)

Nothing. A wave of fear gripped her as she searched frantically for any scrap of memory. Names, places, faces, It all eluded her. It was as she was just born, without any memory to explain her situation. She tried standing up to get a better sense of her surroundings—only to trip and fall onto her stomach after stepping on something that sent a sharp jolt of pain through her entire body.

(What the heck?)

With a strained grunt, she managed to turn around, finally facing the culprit of her stumble.

A tail. A dark orange—almost red—tail that, against all logic, carried a small flame dangerously close to going out.

(W-what is this?)

Heart pounding, she forced herself to look down. What she saw almost made her faint, it was unmistakably the body of a creature she knew. Covered in scales of the same color across her body except for her chest and belly, where they were lighter, continuing all the way down to the base of her tail. Her whole body was covered in bruises and a few scratches and cuts. What she thought were her hands, when raised toward her face, ended in paws. Paws. Each one crowned with three sharp claws that moved as naturally as fingers.

(I'm a Charmeleon! How! How did this happen! This doesn't make any sense at all!)

Pushing herself up once again—this time careful of her tail, which she now realized lifted itself off the ground—she got closer to the river, ignoring the the aching coursing through her body ever since she had awakened.

There, reflected in the slow-moving water, she finally saw her face.

The face of a Charmeleon, with two small fangs just visible when her mouth parted, and amber eyes sharper in shape than she remembered having as a human. They glowed with a deep, ember-like intensity, alive with a heat that didn’t belong to her old self.

“Nonononono—” she had to force herself to slow her breathing. “This isn't happening, this is not real, this is…”

Even her voice had changed; it now carried a slight hoarseness she was sure hadn’t existed before.

(Ok… ok… try not to panic, stop hyperventilating.)

She backed away from the river, remembering the sickly flicker of her tail flame. Grabbing it carefully, she brought it closer to inspect it. To her surprise, it didn’t produce any smoke at all.

(D-Does this mean I’m close to dying?)

The thought alone made her stomach twist.

(It’s really small… It should be way bigger, right?)

Again the aching assaulted her—worse than before. Even the slightest movement sent jolts of pain across her limbs, and now they shook under their own weight. Another grunt escaped her as a wave of dizziness washed over her, leaving her more exhausted than before.

Standing was becoming difficult, and her panic rose once more.

(G-gotta think, pull myself together…)

Looking upstream, she gathered all her strength and started walking along the riverbank.
(Aaa… I ended up ashore here. The current only goes one way, so if I follow the opposite direction, I should find where I fell and—with luck—help.)
It was the best course of action she could wring from her fading mind. Night would fall soon, and she had no desire to find out what kinds of wild Pokémon roamed the valley in the dark. Quickening her pace though it hardly made a difference.

Even walking felt wrong; with her new form, her legs were much shorter, her balance off and the ground seemed closer than ever due to her reduced height, which only added to her discomfort.

With the slow, miserable walk giving her nothing but time to think, she finally acknowledged the weight on her lower back—one that hadn’t existed before—and the strange warmth that accompanied it. It was soothing and oddly reassuring, as though something inside her spirit relaxed simply from knowing it was there, no matter how small.

(It almost feels like someone's cheering for me… Like all my will is concentrated in that little light…)

But, then

(It doesn't feel right… Not entirely. Somehow I know that it should be warmer, stronger)

With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to stop thinking about it. It wasn’t like she knew how to fix it.

(At least I remembered what Pokémon are. Gosh, how am I supposed to explain anything to anyone?)
Her legs burned from the effort; it hadn’t even been that long since she started.
(Would anyone even believe me? Better yet, would anyone even understand me?)

Darkness slowly draped itself over the valley as the final traces of twilight vanished.

(At least… I have… my own light.)

She tried clinging to the positive side, but such an attitude could only carry someone so far.

Minutes passed—or maybe hours; she couldn’t tell. All she knew was the growing struggle of lifting one foot after the other. Her strength slipped away faster than she could recover it, each breath colder, each step heavier. Looking back at her tail, wasn't making her feel any better, seeing that the fire that apparently gave her life hasn't grown any larger. Fearing that even the slightest of breezes might snuff it out.

Looking again at the river current, she realized that the further upstream she went, the more treacherous it became, with rapids accompanied by rocks that crashed violently, creating splashes on both sides.

(Did I really float all the way down? Might explain why my body hurts so much, also the flame…)

A sudden feeling of pain lashed out at her. So strong that it forced a complete stop.

Finally, her legs gave out.

Breathing hard, she collapsed onto the dirt. No matter how much she tried, her body refused to rise again.

(N-No… please… I have to keep going…)

Her flame flickered rapidly, almost desperately, trying to give its host a spark of strength. But it wasn't enough.

Her eyes stung with tears. Why her? What had she done to deserve this? Was it punishment? How could she fix any of it when she couldn’t even remember…

Her own name.

It hit her like a punch to the gut. She had been so preoccupied, so overwhelmed, that she hadn’t even realized—

She didn’t know who she was.

A low, pitiful whine escaped her. She hugged herself, bringing her tail close, trying to hold onto what little warmth she had left.

A sudden rustle jolted her.

From the corner of her eye, she saw movement. Snapping her head left toward the source, she found only tall grass.

No there it was again, movement, she didn't imagine it, the rustle became larger, noisier and closer to her. Fearing the worst she crawled away as much as her weakened body allowed

A sudden glow, then a light? No, a small flame, It flickered between the swaying blades of grass, casting brief, shifting shadows on the ground. Before she could even process it, a figure rose from within the tall grass.

A Charmeleon stood there, looking directly at her. Completely still, almost like a statue.

(W-What?) She tried to stand up again but her arms trembled too much to hold her weight.

“O-Oh… n-no… a-are you ok?”
The voice was small, anxious—almost trembling. Out of nowhere the Pokemon started to breathe, a bit too quickly, as if remembering it was alive and needed to do so.

“What?” (What!) “You… you just talked?”
Her voice cracked with disbelief.

“Umm… y-yesss?”
The Charmeleon shrank slightly, shoulders hunching as it tilted its head. Too much, he realized this and corrected himself. Its tail flame flickered low, almost unnaturally so, betraying its own nervousness.

“But that can’t be! Pokémon can’t talk!”

“B-but you’re a P-Pokémon, r-right…?”
He shifted his weight anxiously from one foot to the other, tail swishing in short, jerky motions.

“Huh? No, no, no—” She shook her head rapidly. ” I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m a human!”

His eyes widened, and his pupils were tightening in alarm.

Her voice rose with desperation. Perhaps this Pokemon could help her! She leaned forward despite the burn in her limbs.

“Please… you’ve got to help me. I just woke up and I was like this and I can’t remember anything and I—”

“O-oh… no…”
He looked away, scanning the darkness behind him. Claws fiddling nervously with each other. His tail flame dimmed further, sputtering close to the dirt.

“I-Is something wrong?”
She tried to move closer, but her legs buckled beneath her. She steadied herself with her hands on the ground, not wanting to frighten him.
“Please, I know I must sound insane. You don’t have to believe me, I just—”

“N-no, I b-believe you.”
He forced himself to meet her gaze again. Uncertainty and fear twisting in his expression.
“I—I was sent here to look after something like y-you…”

“You were?”

“Y-yeah…” His claws tightened around his own arms. “You weren’t supposed to be here…”
He took a shaky breath.

“I’m not? O-of course! This must be some sort of mistake!”
A weak, hopeful smile lit her face. Maybe someone had been searching for her. Maybe everything will end up ok!

But why then… Why does he look so sad?

“Are you ok?”
Her voice softened, now with concern instead of panic.

“I’m… I-I-I’m sorry, but I-I have to…”
His fists closed tightly squeezing his eyes shut, inhaling through his teeth in a long, strained breath.

“…take care of you…”
He whispered it—so faint she almost missed.

“What? What do you mean?”
Her pulse spiked.
“No… you can’t mean—”
It took a step forward.
“W-wait! What did I ever do to you!?”
Her back pressed against the ground as she scrambled away.
Another one.
“STOP! Don’t come any closer!”
He hesitated.
“I don’t even know you!”

“I-I-I’m so sorry…”

He stepped forward anyway, trembling just as much as she was.

“If I don’t do this…"

Silence.

"...t-they’ll be mad at me.”
 
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Negrek

Five for Silver
Staff
Premium
Welcome to the forums! And congrats on getting your first story posted; that's a big hurdle for everyone, so I hope you're feeling good about having gotten over it.

This is a really interesting start! I like how you're playing with the expectations of the genre and indicating that something is clearly *off* about the situation, for example by having the protagonist and the partner(?) be of the same species and the partner apparently intending to "finish the job" rather than help the human character.

I also think you do a nice job of signaling that something's off fairly early on, with the protagonist's preoccupation with the size of her flame and confusion over her injuries. I hadn't put much stock in them until towards the end of the chapter when it becomes clear that something is really off about the situation and this isn't just standard "protagonist is in bad shape when they show up in the Pokéworld" fare. One thing that did confuse me: the protagonist states "At least I remembered what Pokémon are and who I am," but then later realizes she doesn't know her own name. So... she does not in fact know who she is?

The story also has a fine sense of place; I can tell you enjoy your environmental descriptions! It certainly gets across the sense of the Pokémon World being a wild and largely uninhabited place. I'm curious whether it's at all similar to the kind of environment the protagonist lived in as a human.

I wouldn't have guessed you weren't a native speaker if you hadn't mentioned it! There are some odd beats here and there, but for the most part your mechanics are coming along pretty well. One thing that stood out to me as unusual was the spacing of some of your paragraphs. In some places there's no blank space between two adjacent paragraphs, for example:

“Nonononono—” she had to force herself to slow her breathing. “This isn't happening, this is not real, this is…”
Even her voice had changed; it now carried a slight hoarseness she was sure hadn’t existed before.

Darkness slowly draped itself over the valley as the final traces of twilight vanished.
(At least… I have… my own light.)
She tried clinging to the positive side, but such an attitude could only carry someone so far.

“I-I-I’m so sorry…”
He stepped forward anyway, trembling just as much as she was.
“If I don’t do this…"
Silence.
"...t-they’ll be mad at me.”

At first I thought it was just a case of missing a paragraph here or there, perhaps because you were copying and pasting from another site. However, towards the end especially, it seemed like you might be doing it because you thought that you ought to group together pieces of related dialogue/introspection with single spaces instead of double spaces? That's not the case if so; in all the examples given, I would expect to see a blank space between each paragraph, as you've done throughout most of the document:

“Nonononono—” she had to force herself to slow her breathing. “This isn't happening, this is not real, this is…”

Even her voice had changed; it now carried a slight hoarseness she was sure hadn’t existed before.

Darkness slowly draped itself over the valley as the final traces of twilight vanished.

(At least… I have… my own light.)

She tried clinging to the positive side, but such an attitude could only carry someone so far.

“I-I-I’m so sorry…”

He stepped forward anyway, trembling just as much as she was.

“If I don’t do this…"

Silence.

"...t-they’ll be mad at me.”

That aside, there's not a ton to say here; this is a quick first chapter, and primarily introduction/setup. I'm curious to see where things go from here, though! You've already introduced a mystery beyond what we normally see at the beginning of PMD stories, and I'd love to see how it develops. I hope you're able to post some more chapters soon!
 
Chapter 2: Running on embers. New

dwey

feeling the sunshine
Location
A place.
Pronouns
He/Him
He lunged at her.

Before she could scream, the attacker was already on top of her. One knee pressed hard against her chest, pinning her to the ground, while both his hands wrapped tightly around her throat.

“I’m s-sorry,” he stammered. “I don’t want to do this.”

She struggled, pushing against him with shaking arms, but her body had nothing left to give—no strength, no leverage.

“B-but I need to… otherwise I-I wont…”

Her legs kicked uselessly against the dirt. She twisted, clawed, thrashed—nothing. His grip only tightened.

“I-I promise… this is for the good of all,” he whispered, as if trying to convince himself more than her.

(I don’t… I don’t want to die! Please!)

Her vision blurred, edges darkening as oxygen slipped away.

(No…)

It didn’t take long before everything collapsed into black.







Darkness swallowed her, thick, smothering, absolute.
She couldn’t see. She couldn’t move.
She was dead, wasn’t she? Or at least… she would be soon.



“NO!”

The darkness itself roared.

“Remember what you said! You would never give up! I know you wouldn’t!”

A… voice?
It sounded close… familiar. A memory?

“I don’t know if you can still hear me… but it can’t end like this!”
“Please! You have to get up!”
“Please… I beg you…”

Her eyes snapped open.

Heat surged through her—fierce, wild, instinctive. She opened her mouth and before she could guess why, a blast of fire went out and shot straight into the attacker’s face.

“Agh!”
He recoiled, stumbling back as the flames forced him away. “Wha-what?!”

(How did I do that!?)

She wheezed and coughed, but finally her limbs obeyed her. She pushed herself to her feet, trembling but standing.

“H-How…?” said the Charmeleon “D-doesn’t matter, this time I’ll get it right-”

Before he could take another step, she felt it again, the heat building up and rising to her throat. Opening her mouth once more, she unleashed a blast of flame even stronger than the last, which knocked the attacker to the ground.

Another coughing fit, now followed by smoke coming out between breaths. (Did I knock him cold?)

No, the Charmeleon started to get up with relative ease, not looking too hurt by the looks of it.

(Of course, he’s a fire type as well) could she beat him? A part of her wished to try. (No, are you mad? You don't know how to fight! I have to get away—now.)

Stealing one last glance at the stunned Charmeleon, she turned and fled. Stumbling at first, tripping over her own feet, but soon enough momentum carried her into a desperate, uneven run.

“H-hey! Wait!”
He didn’t chase her.
“Y-you can’t!”

Adrenaline was coursing through her whole being, allowing her to power through the pain, the fire in her tail rippling strongly for the first time since she woke up.

(Where to go, where to go, where, to go) losing him was her safest bet, as she doubted she could outrun him forever (Come on! there has to be somewhere… ah there!)

Moving away from the river, she headed for an area filled with trees. Zigzagging through them, she finally ventured far enough in to lose sight of the distant fire of the Charmeleon.

Not wanting to take any risks, she didn't slow down, moving deeper in the woods. Her tail twitched rapidly from side to side, scattering small embers that fell to the forest floor, scorching the earth. Branches snapped underfoot as she ran, hardly inconspicuous at all. Somewhere around her, the sounds of disturbed wildlife echoed through the night.

She vaulted over fallen logs, tripped, crashed to the ground—then forced herself back up. When she dared to look behind her, there was no sign of him.

“Agh!”

Distracted, she ran straight into a spider web that clung stubbornly to her face.

“G-get it off me!”

The web was thick. Sticky. Stronger than it had any right to be.

“W-what are these made of?!”

“Pff… pff…”

Finally free, she staggered to a tree and leaned against it, sliding down until she hit the ground, chest heaving.

“Did… did I lose him?”

As her breathing steadied, she let out a shaky laugh.

“Ha… ha… okay… I need a moment…”

She adjusted slightly, feeling her tail pressed awkwardly beneath her.

The pain returned—sharp and insistent—now joined by a burning sensation along her neck, where she was certain the marks of the attack remained..

“This has to be a nightmare”

She clung to that thought desperately, to the fragile comfort that this was all a trick of the mind. But the world refused to cooperate. A light breeze carried the dry scent of soil and sap which invaded her nostrils and stirred loose leaves against her being.

“Right?”

Passing a paw over one of her arms, she felt her claws scrape against the scales, an unfamiliar texture that only deepened her despair. As she tried to steady herself, the sound of her claws dragging against dirt reached her ears, retreating the ground and soul far too easily, the sharp scrape something mere fingers could never produce.

All too real.

“What was that voice anyway?”

She closed her eyes, trying to recall it.

(It somehow gave me the strength that I needed… It said that I wouldn't give up)

Flap, flap, flap.

(Huh?)

To her right, several small birds were perched on branches—Pidgey—staring down at her with curious intensity.

“Oh… just a couple of Pidgey. Can you understand me too?”

Silence. They only stared. Feeling foolish, she sighed.

“Guess not… Maybe I just imagined the whole thing. The voice… that Charmeleon…”

She hadn’t.

But believing that was easier than accepting someone had just tried to kill her.

Hsssss…

The Pidgey scattered upon hearing another sound this time to her left.

From the shadows emerged an arachnid Pokémon. Massive, towering over her, an Araquanid. A sphere of water encased its head, and its huge mandibles clicked with unsettling rhythm, opening and closing in anticipation.

“Oh… uh… that wasn't your web by any chance right?” Intimidated by size alone she staggered back to her feet.

The Araquanid lowered itself, its many legs spreading as it studied her with cold, predatory focus. The bubble encasing its head churned violently, water sloshing inside as its mandibles clicked.

Perhaps, if she slowly backed away…

As soon as she tried, The Araquanid shrieked. A piercing, high-pitched tone that forced her hands to her ears.

Then it launched a barrage of bubble projectiles, fired at incredible speed.

(Move!)

Instincts took over. She dove aside, barely avoiding the attack, the bubbles smashing into the tree she was just resting on. They clung to the bark like glue.

If one hit her, she’d be trapped

And become this Pokemon food.

Barely managing to push herself up, the Charmeleon stumbled away as another volley whizzed past her, bursting against rocks and roots this time.

(What's—wrong with this world?!)

She couldn't believe it; ever since she woke up, everything had been against her, as if the world itself decided she didn't belong.

“Just leave me alone!”

Her legs trembled, exhaustion pulling at her thoughts, her body begging her to stop. Fighting wasn’t an option. Winning wasn’t either.

So she chose the same tactic.

Lose her foe.

Facing the monstrous spider once more, she gathered what little strength she had left, preparing a fire attack—not to win, but to cover her escape.

The Araquanid anchored itself to the ground, legs digging in as it waited for her move.

There!

The heat rose in her chest, climbing toward her throat! ready to—

“hhk—hhk—hkk—!”

Her body betrayed her.

A violent coughing fit wracked her frame, smoke spilling uselessly from her mouth.

“Aaa— not now!” she rasped, waving both arms desperately to clear the haze. “Work with me… please…”

The Araquanid didn’t hesitate.

Using its full mass, it lunged.

The impact knocked the air from her lungs as she was slammed to the ground, pain exploding across her side. Before she could recover, the Araquanid loomed over her, its mandibles spreading wide, rage vibrating through its frame.

(Nonono!)

Just as it reared back—

A blade of pure energy cut through the air.

It struck the Araquanid cleanly, forcing it back with a shrill shriek as it skidded across the forest floor.

“Here! Take my hand!”

Another figure stepped into her blurred vision.

A Gallade.

“There—can you run?” Gallade asked, scanning the forest with sharp urgency. “We need to get out of here before more come.”

She answered with a shaky nod. Seeing it, he offered a brief, reassuring smile and motioned forward.

“Then let’s go. I’ll watch your back—just follow the dirt path.”

Without a moment to lose, they both took off racing with Charmeleon in the lead while the Gallade followed closely behind. In her exhaustion, she was sure that he could outpaced her with no problems, yet he didn't.

The forest, once merely disturbed by her presence, now felt fully awake. Branches creaked overhead. Shadows shifted where nothing should have moved. Eyes glinted from the darkness between trees. What she had thought was a simple escape from the Araquanid quickly became something far worse.

Pokémon emerged from all sides—mostly Bug-types—no longer lurking, but chasing. Hunting.

A Heracross burst from the undergrowth, horn lowered, aiming straight for her chest. It never reached her. A blade of psychic energy tore through the air, striking the beetle Pokémon mid-leap and sending it crashing, collapsing in the dirt.

However, for every Pokémon that Gallede managed to knock down, three more appeared to took its place. With no clear exit from the twisting forest.

“We won't be able to outrun them at this pace” Gallade said, forming another glowing blade between his arms. Psycho Cut, she somehow knew. “We don’t have any choice left.”

He glanced forward.

“We have to enter the dungeon.”

Taking the initiative, he took her arm and led them both through the relentless barrage of attacks that seemed to come from all sides. Jaws, clawing limbs, and bursts of hostile movement, they somehow come out alive.

Making one last sharp turn, he headed for an area where the trees were even denser, if that were even possible.

No… it wasn’t just that.

It was as if the forest itself had been compressed into something unnatural. The trunks stood so close together that passage between them was impossible, and at the end of that suffocating corridor lay a wall of thick mist—absolute darkness, where all light seemed to be swallowed whole, where life itself appeared to end.

“Don’t let go!”

Before she could question either Gallade or the phenomenon ahead, they plunged into the mist.

And everything around her changed.



For some, rest was impossible.

They had heard the stories, of course—how could they not? It was all anyone talked about back in the capital. The endless cold. The failing land. The last harvest. Still, they had never paid much attention to it.

How they wished they could take that back.

Why had they been chosen? Because they were the closest? Because someone else’s task had been deemed more important? No support had been sent. Not this time. Not ever.

A failure. They knew that was how they were seen.

And now… the target was gone.

Gone because they had hesitated. Because fear had rooted them in place. Because the forest itself had felt wrong, oppressive, alive. Because they were someone incapable of playing the role assigned to them.

If they returned after another failure—especially one of this magnitude…

No. They couldn’t allow that line of thought.

They would fix this. They would find her. And next time, they would not fail.

There was still time. They weren’t meant to meet for several days.

High in the branches of a tree, a Pidgey perched in silence, eyes scanning the forest below as the search was abandoned—for now.

(This form isn’t quite right,) they thought. (I’ve never managed to copy anyone perfectly.)

Fatigue crept in slowly, insidiously, until maintaining the shape became impossible.

(But it doesn’t matter… not if they don't know I even exist.)

The Pidgey’s form began to sag, feathers warping and melting as though made of wax. Limbs lost definition, the body collapsing inward in a grotesque, silent unraveling.

(They’ll be proud. I know it.)

What remained was nothing more than a small, amorphous creature—featureless, gelatinous.

A Ditto.

(I will reach paradise.)



Notes:
I completely underestimated how long it would take me to write this chapter. Initially, I planned for it to be at least 6,000 words, but I decided to cut it down. Hopefully, the next chapters will be a bit longer. I'm truly impressed by writers who can write chapters of up to 10,000 words; my respect goes out to them.

Also, it took me perhaps too long to research whether Araquanid could spin webs. In the end, I thought, "Hey, it's an arachnid, I'm sure it can."

I also made about two edits to the previous chapter—nothing major—and I appreciate that the errors in this last one were pointed out to me.
 
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Negrek

Five for Silver
Staff
Premium
Ah, so the mysterious not-partner is a ditto! That’s fun; it’s rare to see a ditto get more than a bit part in a story, but there’s a lot you can do with them, especially if they’re going to be the sneaky antagonists type. Right now their motivations are a bit too vague to really latch onto—something about proving they aren’t a failure—but I’m excited to see what role they’ll play in the story.

The introduction of the gallade, too, is promising. Hopefully that’s someone who’ll have some answers about what’s going on in the world, since it’s clear that something’s up. Normally the hordes of bloodthirsty pokemon are on the inside of the dungeons, not the outside! Last chapter made the world feel quiet and pristine, but this one pivoted pretty hard into “wild” and “dangerous” territory! I’m worried that the dungeon our protagonist has run off to won’t prove much better.

At this point, a lot of mysteries have been set up, both about the protagonist and the world she finds herself in. Events have kept her mostly rushing from place thus far, but I’m looking forward to a time when she’s able to relax a little and process what all’s been happening to her. How she responds to her situation when she’s not forced to run for her life will say a lot about her character, I think.

There were a lot fewer smushed-together paragraphs this time around, so maybe you figured out what was causing them. Still a few at the beginning of the chapter in particular, though, such as these:

(I don’t… I don’t want to die! Please!)
Her vision blurred, edges darkening as oxygen slipped away.
(No…)
It didn’t take long before everything collapsed into black.


(How did I do that!?)
She wheezed and coughed, but finally her limbs obeyed her. She pushed herself to her feet, trembling but standing.

There!
The heat rose in her chest, climbing toward her throat! ready to—

I was a bit confused by this passage:

As she tried to steady herself, the sound of claws dragging against dirt reached her ears, retreating far too easily, the sharp scrape something mere fingers could never produce.
Not sure what that scraping noise is supposed to indicate; dittomeleon running away? The protagonist doesn’t react to it at all, so I wasn’t clear on whether it’s supposed to be scary, reassuring, confusing, whatever.

She answered with a shaky nod. Seeing it, he offered a brief, reassuring smile and motioned forward.

With a shaky nod as an answer, he smiled and gestured for her to move.
These two paragraphs repeat each other. Not sure if you were just trying two ways of approaching the action and then forgot to delete one, but whatever the case, you definitely only need one of these paragraphs!

In any case, nice work getting another chapter out, even if it wasn’t as long as you’d wanted. Writing can be a slow process! I’ll look forward to another chapter whenever it’s posted. I’d love to learn more about all these mysterious characters!
 

K_S

Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
Hi, welcome aboard i'm here to blitz you, lets see how it goes!


The valley lay quiet, wrapped in an intense calm. The wind—gentle for this fleeting moment—carried a cold whisper that rustled the scattered leaves of the few trees dotting the landscape.(23) Sunset was not far now; with it would fade the day’s activity and the soft hum of life that accompanied each passing hour)24). Already, the stillness that signals a time for rest was settling in. That familiar hour when one can finally relax after a long day’s work and gather strength for whatever tomorrow might bring.(21)


What a pretty and poetic way to herald the time and indicate transition from one mofe to another . It'd of been interesting to see the prose show who and what were retiring (no guarentees since this is a fanfic and all that) for the day's end but perhaps i'm jumping ahead a little.


Yet not everyone was granted such luxury, as for some, rest remained a distant, impossible thing.(18)

“Ugh…”

Hi p.o.v. i see youre overworked today. Or stropy. Both seem legit.

In the middle of the valley, a narrow river cut patiently through the land, its waters nearly crystal-clear.(19) The current was slow and steady enough that crossing from one bank to the other would have been effortless(19). And on one such riverbank, a lone figure began to stir.

So i noticed you have looong sentences.

(This appears to be a thing i keep re-encountering)

You'll notice i numbered a few of your sentences. While lush, they have a trait of being a bit list like. Anything over 15 words i numbered. Almost all of them can be broken down into smaller bite sizes. Still retain thier data, but be a little easier on the eyes. I'll break down the first segment to give you a sample, and if you wanna incorperate it going forward, go ahead.
Otherwise no worries.

Sample

Yet not everyone was granted such luxury, as for some, rest remained a distant, impossible thing.(18)

Alterations

Yet not everyone was granted such luxury(7). For some, rest remained an unatainable distant, impossible thing.(7)

Luxury is one thought, ergo one line. Unatainable bespeaks of impossible and unreachable so i swapped the word out and cut a few others while keeping your base structure and tone. We got 2x 7s. And it reads a little easier for the eyes if nothing else.

(Aaa… why does everything hurt so much?)

Still half-asleep, she became aware of the cold, unforgiving ground beneath her. With a shaky push of her hands, she managed to sit up and slowly opened both eyes.

In 2 lines you used her/she 4 times. If you swappped a few out with descriptors.your reader could get a idea of what she is. Her build. Her shape (real important when most fics are mon p.o.v. and theres hundreds of body types for mon in canon game much less fanon critters too) ect.
What she encountered was unlike anything she could recognize.

Before her stretched a vast valley cradled between two immense mountain ranges—so enormous that one couldn't see the end of either no matter the direction.

Well this lietally puts a inetersting spin on a the term sugar bowl setting. I mean geologically speaking its a bowl, if its a happy place it literally could be considered... you know a literal sugar bowl and.. maybe the ideas a bit tvtrop-y but its the first image to pop into my head...

The peaks were jagged and uneven, some towering far above the rest, their rocky flanks plunging into steep slopes of loose stone and dark earth. Far ahead, near the valley’s heart, a colossal snow-dusted summit loomed. Behind it, the sun was setting, blinding her vision and forcing her to look away. It was, apparently, the biggest mountain of the region. The trail of land surrounding the valley was scattered with patches of moss—small, vivid islands of green against the barren terrain. Everything felt raw, untouched, and so natural, unlike anything she had ever seen.

(Wow… what is this place… how did I get here I don't remember…)

Nothing. A wave of fear gripped her as she searched frantically for any scrap of memory. Names, places, faces, It all eluded her. It was as she was just born,

With really good cordination, and a fully functioning vocabulary...

but nitpick aside, the thing thats struck me about amnesia protag fics is how, in the wild, would they think to remember people and places to have that "i dont remember" freak out. Because to worry about that you would have to remember something, especially if there was no prompts to make you actually remember...

Anyway it was just a thought that popped into my head while readong your p.o.v.s freakout


without any memory to explain her situation. She tried standing up to get a better sense of her surroundings—only to trip and fall onto her stomach after stepping on something that sent a sharp jolt of pain through her entire body.

I take back the cordinated line... hmm four legs and a tail is my guess... maybe an eevee line?

(What the heck?)

With a strained grunt, she managed to turn around, finally facing the culprit of her stumble.

A tail. A dark orange—almost red—tail that, against all logic, carried a small flame dangerously close to going out.

Oh a charmander line. Thank goodness p.o.v. didn't smoother thier own tail by accident that'd be the shortest mystery dungeon adventure ever.
(W-what is this?)

Heart pounding, she forced herself to look down. What she saw almost made her faint, it was unmistakably the body of a creature she knew. Covered in scales of the same color across her body except for her chest and belly, where they were lighter, continuing all the way down to the base of her tail. Her whole body was covered in bruises and a few scratches and cuts. What she thought were her hands, when raised toward her face, ended in paws. Paws. Each one crowned with three sharp claws that moved as naturally as fingers.

(I'm a Charmeleon! How! How did this happen! This doesn't make any sense at all!)

Youre an amnesiac with a weirdly specific set of memories (game data) of course nothing makes sense...

Pushing herself up once again—this time careful of her tail, which she now realized lifted itself off the ground—she got closer to the river, ignoring the the aching coursing through her body ever since she had awakened.

In shortnit was a limping walk interspaced with hissed "owowowouchieow"

There, reflected in the slow-moving water, she finally saw her face.

The face of a Charmeleon, with two small fangs just visible when her mouth parted, and amber eyes sharper in shape than she remembered having as a human. They glowed with a deep, ember-like intensity, alive with a heat that didn’t belong to her old self.

“Nonononono—” she had to force herself to slow her breathing. “This isn't happening, this is not real, this is…”

Even her voice had changed; it now carried a slight hoarseness she was sure hadn’t existed before.

(Ok… ok… try not to panic, stop hyperventilating.)

She backed away from the river, remembering the sickly flicker of her tail flame. Grabbing it carefully, she brought it closer to inspect it. To her surprise, it didn’t produce any smoke at all.

(D-Does this mean I’m close to dying?)

The thought alone made her stomach twist.

(It’s really small… It should be way bigger, right?)

Well she could lay some grass on it. Try to feed it to greater heights maybe?

Again the aching assaulted her—worse than before. Even the slightest movement sent jolts of pain across her limbs, and now they shook under their own weight. Another grunt escaped her as a wave of dizziness washed over her, leaving her more exhausted than before.

Standing was becoming difficult, and her panic rose once more.

(G-gotta think, pull myself together…)

Looking upstream, she gathered all her strength and started walking along the riverbank.
(Aaa… I ended up ashore here. The current only goes one way, so if I follow the opposite direction, I should find where I fell and—with luck—help.)
It was the best course of action she could wring from her fading mind. Night would fall soon, and she had no desire to find out what kinds of wild Pokémon roamed the valley in the dark. Quickening her pace though it hardly made a difference.

At this point a wild level one cleffa would probably be an issue. Perhaps she should be loking for places to hide?

Even walking felt wrong; with her new form, her legs were much shorter, her balance off and the ground seemed closer than ever due to her reduced height, which only added to her discomfort.

I can only imagine how many times she tripped figuring out her new center of gravity...

With the slow, miserable walk giving her nothing but time to think, she finally acknowledged the weight on her lower back—one that hadn’t existed before—and the strange warmth that accompanied it. It was soothing and oddly reassuring, as though something inside her spirit relaxed simply from knowing it was there, no matter how small.

(It almost feels like someone's cheering for me… Like all my will is concentrated in that little light…)

But, then

(It doesn't feel right… Not entirely. Somehow I know that it should be warmer, stronger)

Perhaps when the pain dims and she gets medical help... and a drink and food... and nap...

How is she gunna manage bedding with an extendable lighter going full tip on her backside 24/7. At least cyq' line and most fire lines have a flame off mode (minus inciniroar, and slugma and maybe magmar)

With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to stop thinking about it. It wasn’t like she knew how to fix it.

(At least I remembered what Pokémon are. Gosh, how am I supposed to explain anything to anyone?)

Thats assuming there is an anyone else. Theres been no sign of life yet.... and the scope of the place makes breath of the wild look tiny.

Her legs burned from the effort;

Its a horrid pun, but it made me crack a smile.

it hadn’t even been that long since she started.
(Would anyone even believe me? Better yet, would anyone even understand me?)

Darkness slowly draped itself over the valley as the final traces of twilight vanished.

(At least… I have… my own light.)

She tried clinging to the positive side, but such an attitude could only carry someone so far.

Minutes passed—or maybe hours; she couldn’t tell. All she knew was the growing struggle of lifting one foot after the other. Her strength slipped away faster than she could recover it, each breath colder, each step heavier. Looking back at her tail, wasn't making her feel any better, seeing that the fire that apparently gave her life hasn't grown any larger. Fearing that even the slightest of breezes might snuff it out.

Looking again at the river current, she realized that the further upstream she went, the more treacherous it became, with rapids accompanied by rocks that crashed violently, creating splashes on both sides.

(Did I really float all the way down? Might explain why my body hurts so much, also the flame…)

A sudden feeling of pain lashed out at her. So strong that it forced a complete stop.

Finally, her legs gave out.

Breathing hard, she collapsed onto the dirt. No matter how much she tried, her body refused to rise again.

(N-No… please… I have to keep going…)

Her flame flickered rapidly, almost desperately, trying to give its host a spark of strength. But it wasn't enough.

Her eyes stung with tears. Why her? What had she done to deserve this? Was it punishment? How could she fix any of it when she couldn’t even remember…

Her own name.

It hit her like a punch to the gut. She had been so preoccupied, so overwhelmed, that she hadn’t even realized—

She didn’t know who she was.

A low, pitiful whine escaped her. She hugged herself, bringing her tail close, trying to hold onto what little warmth she had left.

A sudden rustle jolted her.

From the corner of her eye, she saw movement. Snapping her head left toward the source, she found only tall grass.

Hm is this a wild encounter.. or a wild partner? Could be either way.

No there it was again, movement, she didn't imagine it, the rustle became larger, noisier and closer to her. Fearing the worst she crawled away as much as her weakened body allowed

A sudden glow, then a light? No, a small flame, It flickered between the swaying blades of grass, casting brief, shifting shadows on the ground. Before she could even process it, a figure rose from within the tall grass.

A Charmeleon stood there, looking directly at her. Completely still, almost like a statue.

(W-What?) She tried to stand up again but her arms trembled too much to hold her weight.

“O-Oh… n-no… a-are you ok?”

Wonder why her chatter is in parenthases () and the other char' is in quotations.

The voice was small, anxious—almost trembling. Out of nowhere the Pokemon started to breathe, a bit too quickly, as if remembering it was alive and needed to do so.

So the new char' is being all anxious and trembly? Or is it our p.o.v.

“What?” (What!) “You… you just talked?”
Her voice cracked with disbelief.

“Umm… y-yesss?”
The Charmeleon shrank slightly, shoulders hunching as it tilted its head. Too much, he realized this and corrected himself. Its tail flame flickered low, almost unnaturally so, betraying its own nervousness.

“But that can’t be! Pokémon can’t talk!”

“B-but you’re a P-Pokémon, r-right…?”
He shifted his weight anxiously from one foot to the other, tail swishing in short, jerky motions.

“Huh? No, no, no—” She shook her head rapidly. ” I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m a human!”

Wow, we are sharing that revelation out of the gate arent we? The reaction should be interesting.

His eyes widened, and his pupils were tightening in alarm.

Her voice rose with desperation. Perhaps this Pokemon could help her! She leaned forward despite the burn in her limbs.

“Please… you’ve got to help me. I just woke up and I was like this and I can’t remember anything and I—”

“O-oh… no…”
He looked away, scanning the darkness behind him. Claws fiddling nervously with each other. His tail flame dimmed further, sputtering close to the dirt.

“I-Is something wrong?”
She tried to move closer, but her legs buckled beneath her. She steadied herself with her hands on the ground, not wanting to frighten him.
“Please, I know I must sound insane. You don’t have to believe me, I just—”

“N-no, I b-believe you.”
He forced himself to meet her gaze again. Uncertainty and fear twisting in his expression.
“I—I was sent here to look after something like y-you…”

Hmm, thats not good. That sounds out and out ominous.

“You were?”

“Y-yeah…” His claws tightened around his own arms. “You weren’t supposed to be here…”
He took a shaky breath.

“I’m not? O-of course! This must be some sort of mistake!”
A weak, hopeful smile lit her face. Maybe someone had been searching for her. Maybe everything will end up ok!

But why then… Why does he look so sad?

“Are you ok?”
Her voice softened, now with concern instead of panic.

“I’m… I-I-I’m sorry, but I-I have to…”
His fists closed tightly squeezing his eyes shut, inhaling through his teeth in a long, strained breath.

“…take care of you…”
He whispered it—so faint she almost missed.

Yeah murder isnt on this fellows "want to do list" clearly. Wonder if he'll pull a huntsman and bail on the hit. Though i wonder why humans are on the "to off" list as a whole...

“What? What do you mean?”
Her pulse spiked.
“No… you can’t mean—”
It took a step forward.
“W-wait! What did I ever do to you!?”
Her back pressed against the ground as she scrambled away.
Another one.
“STOP! Don’t come any closer!”
He hesitated.
“I don’t even know you!”

“I-I-I’m so sorry…”

He stepped forward anyway, trembling just as much as she was.

“If I don’t do this…"

Silence.

"...t-they’ll be mad at me.”

Yeah hope our p.o.v. can master oriatation and persuasive speach very very fast. Or she's going to (at best) be taking a very unwanted swim with the magikarp.

Interested opening to your tale. Thanks for sharing, and welcome aboard.
 
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