Pokémon PMD: Bad Duck [Interactive]

[kyeugh]

In which a scallioned rapscallion gets a bad rap.​

This post is reserved for future indexing.

 

[kyeugh]

Your name is Eschalotte Kurrat the farfetch'd, but your friends call you Esher. No one will be calling you that here, though, because you are in the town jail for the twenty-sixth time, and everyone is starting to get pretty sick of your shit. You don't mean to end up in here so much, really, but there's just fuck all to do in this backwater of a village, and most of your hobbies—pantsing the village elder, say, or lighting the fields on fire for a laugh—wind you up with some kind of jail sentence. Some people pay money for their entertainment; you, you pay with time.

Things being as they are, most people would say you have grown up to be a very bad duck indeed.

It's not so bad in here, really, except for that your mom is going to be pissed. Twenty-six is not a small number of times to have been imprisoned, you admit, especially not for someone who's only seen fourteen winters. Yes, you can handle jail well enough, but you're not looking forward to the Mother Goose's wrath.

You're stuck here for now, though, so you might as well make some fun. The warden yoinked all your shit, so that's gonna be a little tough. Maybe you could pester your long-suffering cellmate, or maybe you could try and make a break for it. Or—maybe—you could try to do something else. It never killed anyone to get a little creative. Or at least it hasn't killed that many people, you don't think.

What will you do?

 

[Meridian]

> Intimidatingly stare at window bars
> Use your Hidden Boo-Boo Bump Technique: Bar Prier on the window

 

[K_S]

Now now... Creativity is the spice of life... But to make this work were going to need an audience, leverage, and schenanigans (and possibly our leek back to use as a lever to make the break out when the choas peaks). So to get the ball rolling and summon the guards to get that audience i vote filthy bar songs with the intent to Work Up. Followed by a dose of Baton Passing the guard into the cell in our place when they cone to investigate...

 

[kyeugh]

Use your Hidden Boo-Boo Bump Technique: Bar Prier on the window

Boo-boo bump!? That's your hair! It's not very utilitarian to have it hanging down all the time, so you keep it up with a pair of chopsticks. Fortunately, warden never thinks to take them from you. Not that they're much use. You've tried picking the lock with them before, but it's not really ideal.

Now now... Creativity is the spice of life... But to make this work were going to need an audience, leverage, and schenanigans (and possibly our leek back to use as a lever to make the break out when the choas peaks). So to get the ball rolling and summon the guards to get that audience i vote filthy bar songs with the intent to Work Up. Followed by a dose of Baton Passing the guard into the cell in our place when they cone to investigate...

Excellent idea. You approach the cell bars and begin making an enormous ruckus—some raunchy songs, certainly, though you don't know many, so you rapidly fall into a chorus of "WARDENWARDENWARDENWARDEN HEY WARDEN HEY WARDEN WARDENWARDENWARDENWARDEN." Your cell mate, Peccary Pete, exhales slowly through his nose as he watches.

Eventually, the warden gets tired of your shouting and pads over to your cell. How did he hear you anyway? You're not totally sure he has ears, but psychics have their ways...

"What the fuck is it this time," he seethes, glaring at you from between the prison bars. Drat. You were really hoping he'd come in. You guess he's not that stupid.

 

[tomatorade]

Make fun of his hairdo. That thing has to be a wig--no way he grew a lawn up there. That's probably where he hides the key, now that you think of it.

 

[kyeugh]

Make fun of his hairdo. That thing has to be a wig--no way he grew a lawn up there. That's probably where he hides the key, now that you think of it.

"Oh, nothing much," you reply to the warden. "I just had a question about your hair."

"Oh," the warden says, and his stern expression softens just a smidge. "Go on then. I have important matters to attend to."

You kind of doubt that, but you hold your tongue for now. "I was just wondering, where do you get it cut?" A devilish smile creeps across your face as you add, "The fucking hedge store?"

This enrages the warden so much that he starts shaking and sweating and grinding his teeth and curling up his fingers like he's barely restraining himself from lunging through the bars and wringing your neck. What a weird fucking guy.

You only get in a chuckle or two before the jail door slams open with a deafening WHAM!

Your heart falls into your stomach and roils there and makes a nice heart stew. The warden doesn't seem terribly pleased either, somehow—the color drains from his beet-red face so fast you fear he might pass out.

Mama's home. And hell hath no fury like a mother whose kid just got arrested on charges of chicanery for the twenty-sixth time.

You'd better consider your next move wisely. It might be your last.

 

[K_S]

Were gunna need that escape right about now... But the keys are across the room from the picture... Still mr. Shellshocked might have a spare.

Thief time and then tailwind out?

 

[Bluwiikoon]

Accept your fate The best you can do now is pick a god and pray for mercy

 

[Meridian]

the way I CACKLED from "peccary pete reaction"

> Get away from the cell bars, back away slowly so she cant see you from the entrance
> Attempt to form alliance with Peccary Pete without drawing attention.

> Be Peccary Pete

 

[kyeugh]

Attempt to form alliance with Peccary Pete without drawing attention.

You hate to admit it, but Peccary Pete is the only person in this building that doesn’t want you dead right now.

“Look, Peccary Pete, I know we don’t have the best relationship,” you begin, trying not to let his impassive facade dissuade you, “but, look, I’m in big trouble here. Like, big big trouble. The kind of trouble where I’d frankly rather stay in jail because at least it’s better in here than what awaits me out there. I think I may seriously be in danger. Physically. I know that at the end of the day, you’re a good guy. You wouldn’t just let someone die. You would step in and use those big tusks of yours if you saw someone whose life was on the line. Right? Wait, you are a guy, right?”

Peccary Pete does not appear moved by your plea. You’re not even totally sure he’s awake.

Well, that was your last option. Only one thing to do now.

Get away from the cell bars, back away slowly so she cant see you from the entrance

Accept your fate The best you can do now is pick a god and pray for mercy

Hopes dashed, you retreat to the cell corner and pray for dear life.

O Celebi, Onion Mother, Great Allia, Lady of the Chive Blossom—are you listening? If you’re out there, I could really use some of your grace right about now. I know I’ve been a bad duck, but a bad duck can change. I’ll do anything you ask if you get me out of this one. I’ll plant all the spring onions. I’ll even dust off the old shrine, heaven knows it’s been in a state ever since Dad died. I’ll do right by you, I promise. Please, just save me from this situation so that I don’t have to pay my debt to society.

Be Peccary Pete

You are now Peccary Pete. Oh fiddlesticks.

 

[Negrek]

The Mother Goose cometh...

> Peccary Pete: reflect upon your crimes

 

[K_S]

Hey as theres two petes we are off the hook. Also if moma closses we got ice type advantage. We should chill like a piloswine and let this blow through...

After all whats the psychic going to do... Claim there was an act of arceus that whisked her kid into another mon. Guess she was notified for no good reason...

If worse comes to worse though we probably should align with the back wall to bust out?

 

[Meridian]

> Peccary Pete: Check Moves
> Peccary Pete: Evaluate whether you wanna be witness to child abuse
> Peccary Pete: Ultimately shrug, but Ice Shard on the area of the mom, bars, and warden. It was getting boring in here anyway

 

[kyeugh]

Peccary Pete: Evaluate whether you wanna be witness to child abuse

Against this incorrigible miscreant? Oh goodness yes.

Peccary Pete: Check Moves

Once upon a time, you had quite the physical set, but these days you’ve specced mostly into trying your best to forget why you’re here. Except for your backup move. Fortunately, you’ve done a good job making sure you’ve forgotten what your backup is too… until the time comes, that is.

Peccary Pete: reflect upon your crimes

You consider the prospect of considering your crimes for about two seconds before the weight of your conscience becomes unbearable. You really don’t want to be Peccary Pete anymore.

…

You are no longer Peccary Pete.

The good-for-nothing onion fairy didn’t do jack fucking shit for you. Mom’s stomping down the hallway, and she’s coming fast. The warden salutes stiffly as she approaches, sweat beading on his petal-pink forehead.

”Good day, ma’am,” he chokes out. “We’ve got your daughter under watch here. She was found—”

”Don’t,” Mom snaps, “say another word. I don’t want to hear it from you. I want to hear it right from the beak of my chick.”

Your stomach burns with shame. How are you going to explain this? Is there any way you could phrase it that might make your mother’s fury a little less… incandescent? It doesn’t seem likely. You open your beak, unsure what you’re about to say, but before you can get a word out she shoots you a truly chilling glare and you fall silent. “We will discuss this at home.”

“Er, I don’t wish to contradict you, ma’am, but your daughter’s sentence was two weeks and she’s only been here—”

”Did you know,” Mom muses, “that on the Mist Continent they serve Mr. Mime as a delicacy? I trained under Chef Hugo there for several months as a girl. It’s true what they say. He really knows his way around a knife.”

The warden swallowed and wordlessly opens your cell. You see Peccary Pete’s ear twitch out of the corner of your eye; that might be the most you’ve ever seen him move.

”Come now, Eschalotte.”

”What about my stuff?” you protest.

”We can get your stuff later. You won’t be needing it for now.”

”But—”

Without warning, your mother seizes you by the feathers and drags you down the hallway and out of the jail.

”Have a good day,” the warden calls after you weakly.

After what feels like a thousand years and most of your hair, you arrive home. Mom releases your feathers at last, and you stumble weakly into the kitchen. You bless your feathers you’re not a mammal—getting your feathers pulled doesn’t hurt too bad, but it’s gonna take weeks of styling to get your cowlick as tame as it was. And it was not especially tame before.

Mom plops herself down on a stool, chest-feathers fluffed, and crosses her wings. Always with that killing glare.

”Now,” she says, “I would like to hear what exactly it is that landed you in jail again when I made it quite clear on your silver jubilee that there would not be another incident like this.”

You gulp, bile burning in your throat. What was it you did?

 

[tomatorade]

You sold counterfeit vegetables to the young children of the village, you monster

 

[K_S]

well the field on fire was kinda drab so you set tinfoil wrapped popcorn bombs with the second one to liven it up...

Wasnt your fault society didnt appreciate your mass holiday outdoor cooking event.

 

[Meridian]

Impersonating an officer of the law to get a better deal on counterfeit vegetables (toy vegetables). It was a sting operation.

The funds were gonna buy enough corn for a third mass holiday outdoor cooking event.

 

[SparklingEspeon]

You also needed some tinder to get the fire for the tinfoil wrapped popcorn bombs going (all that corn don't burn itself...), so in perfect prankster style, you decided to do this generation a favour and spare them the horrors of all your school's advanced linear prealgebra textbooks! Way to kill two b... err.... nevermind.

Also you wrote mean poems and stuck them in random mailboxes. For fun. As a treat.

 

[Bluwiikoon]

Little Timmy snitched on you during your latest mischief, so you told him Santa wasn't real. It's not your fault that Little Timmy is also a little bitch.