Pokémon [ONE-SHOT] Bad Idea

[Sike Saner]

Wow, this thing is tiny!

Several years ago, I did a fanfic meme of some sort. At one point, it asked me to write a paragraph centered around one of my favorite characters.

I didn't manage to keep it to one paragraph. :B

Anyway, this takes place in the same continuity as The Origin of Storms, Communication, and The Worldslayers. Chronologically, it takes place centuries before any of those, but the main character appears in all of them because his species ages like molasses uphill in the wintertime.

Rated K+ for mild language, bullying, and an offscreen butt-whooping.

This is a completed work by a since-retired author. I might still pick at it from time to time with minor edits but will probably not be implementing any major changes.

Bad Idea
~or~
Don't Be a B-hole​

In the darkness of the Granite Cave, Karo the nosepass nestled among the rock formations with a relaxed sigh. A few good decades’ worth of sleep sounded like a pretty good idea—until a sharp, metallic odor entered the air, faint at first but growing stronger by the second. He knew that scent all too well, and he was no better at ignoring it than he’d ever been.

The sound that came with the scent soon arrived: the tapping of tiny feet against the stone floor. The faint volume of those steps told that their maker was still at a bit of a distance. There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature as she drew nearer, but Karo didn’t need to see to know it was an aron who was approaching him.

He thought about leaving her alone. He really did. After all, he wasn’t hungry in the least, so what reason was there not to mind his own business and let the aron go about her own?

Other than entertainment value, that is…

Ultimately, he just couldn’t help himself. The thought of the nice scare he could give her just amused him too much. As the aron got close enough to feel the magnetic influence of the nosepass she’d strayed too near, Karo could hear the rhythm of her stride falter and change; she’d just realized the danger she’d gotten into. Knowing he had to make his move quickly lest the aron turn and run, he gave his magnetic field a sudden boost.

“KREEEEEEEEEE!” cried the aron, pulled sharply towards him. She scrabbled to right herself; once she managed to get back onto her feet, she tried fighting with all her strength against the invisible grip that had seized her, but couldn’t even take a single step forward.

And then, abruptly, Karo cut the power of his magnetic pull as much as he could. The aron, met with a sudden lack of resistance, went tumbling forward with a shout and a crash.

Karo almost couldn’t hear the aron’s footsteps or even her cries over his own loud, honking laughter as she ran bawling out of the cavern. Around the time he finally fell silent, beginning to drift towards a near-bottomless sleep while pride in the prank he’d just pulled still lingered in his head, he noticed a metallic scent on the air once again. It was considerably stronger this time, though, and the footsteps that followed were much louder and slower and were accompanied by another sound—growling, Karo recognized with dread as he realized what was approaching him.

There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature that now stood before him, uncomfortably close, undeterred by the threat his magnetic field represented to the aron, swishing her heavy tail back and forth with an effortless speed that spoke loud and clear of its owner’s strength. But Karo didn’t need to see her to know that he was now facing a very angry aggron.

Oh crap…

Thus it was that Karo learned one of the many reasons why one should never pick on those smaller than oneself: it sometimes draws the attention—and the ire—of something larger than oneself.

FIN​

 

[myuma]

Hello! Coming here with a review. Looks like this is quite an old piece, but hopefully this is still useful to you.

There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature as she drew nearer, but Karo didn’t need to see to know it was an aron who was approaching him.

Then how does Karo know it's a she?
The same problem is repeated again when the Aggron arrives.

He knew that scent all too well, and he was no better at ignoring it than he’d ever been.

Why does Karo "know it all too well"? Sounds like he's known this Aron for a while, but the fic never expands on it...

Karo could hear the rhythm of her stride falter and change; she’d just realized the danger she’d gotten intp.

Typo!

And then, abruptly, Karo cut the power of his magnetic pull as much as he could.

Don't really see why "as much as he could" is needed there - surely Karo can control his magnetic powers easily? It's already implied by "Karo cut the power of his magnetic pull" anyway.

Thus it was that Karo learned one of the many reasons why one should never pick on those smaller than one’s self: it sometimes draws the attention—and the ire—of something larger than one’s self.

One's self should be a single word - oneself - if it's being used as a pronoun.

This was a short and sweet read, and there weren't any issues with the plot. I liked it quite a bit!

However, the parts where Karo is listening to the Aron approaching could use some improvement. As I said before, you don't tell us how Karo knew the Aron was a she even though he can only hear and smell her. Also, it's implied somewhere that Karo knows this Aron from past encounters, but that's never expanded on (although this seems to be a spinoff, so maybe you've written about it somewhere else). Finally, you could drag out the approach of Aron to make tension build up to the prank a little more.

A few of the sentence constructions also read a little clunky to me - sometimes I think you use too many commas in places where short, sharp sentences would do better. For example, here:

The aron, met with a sudden lack of resistance, went tumbling forward with a shout and a crash.

The commas slow the sentence down, although the action it's describing is fast and sudden, if that makes sense.

What I'm saying is try to vary the sentence length a tad more. Short, comma-less sentences tend to work better for emphasis or fast-paced scenes, while long sentences are for everything else, basically.

That's all I have to say. :)

 

[Sike Saner]

myuma: Karo appearing to know the aron's gender was just an unfortunate, unintended consequence of an ambiguously omniscient narrator. Speaking of ambiguity, he actually doesn't know this particular aron; he just knows the scent of aron in general because he's dealt with them before. (The reason why he managed to avoid getting his butt kicked by aggron and the like prior to this event--which is to say, the reason why he didn't know better than to mess with this aron--was partly dumb luck and partly the fact that he didn't let those aron escape to call for help. It also probably helps that nosepass don't have to feed often, thus reducing the number of mishaps he could've had.) I apologize for the lack of clarity!

Anyhoo, glad it was enjoyable in spite of that. Thanks lots for the read 'n' reply! :D

 

[Umbramatic]

Oh boy. This fic, the meme, the legend. It's always good to see Karo, and best of all in his natural element: being a troll.

Are Aron normal prey of the Nosepass line in your universe? They contain a lot of iron at least. And can be trapped with Magnet Pull as shown here. Squirmy little buggers aren't they. Fortunately Karo's just messing with this one, and I like his causality in doing so. It's clear the guy is just bored. Easy to get bored in this cave.

And of course the mama Aggron shows up. I like the open ending here: Does Karo escape? Does he get his ass beat for his misdeeds. WHO KNOWS? FIND OUT NEXT EPISODE ON THE 32ND AT 25:00!

You do plenty of dark and disturbing stuff in your fics but you've also got a knack for comedy as well and this fic really shows it. Keep that up.

 

[Sike Saner]

Umbramatic: Aron are indeed common prey for them there, though they're not in any real danger from them most of the time because nosepass don't need to hunt very frequently at all. In some places, nosepass have their own predators to worry about (metang and metagross, for example), but Granite Cave is devoid of these. Lucky Karo.

I do have an idea of what happened to Karo at the end, but I liked the way it read to have the camera cut away, so to speak. Glad that worked out nicely. :D

Thanks lots for the read 'n' reply! :D

 

[Namohysip]

Short story, short review, but I'll just say that in an effort to keep things absolutely focused on a single scene--surely this entire series of events didn't last longer than small handful of minutes--you managed to allude to little glimpses of Karo's personality, and even a bit of world building for his species. Good job on that!

I will say, though, that there are is one weakness that stood out to me a lot in this one shot. Having distant prose is okay, but I think you diluted the actions and the senses taking place due to some of the filter words thrown in here and there. The big example that stands out to me is:

Karo almost couldn’t hear the aron’s footsteps or even her cries over his own loud, honking laughter as she ran bawling out of the cavern.

Here, we have “almost couldn’t hear” when it could have been described some other way, and “honking laughter as she ran” briefly made me think the Aron was laughing even though that makes no sense. I think a way to rephrase this sentence in particular would be, “As the aron bawled out of the cavern, Karo’s honking laughter overpowered the aron’s footsteps and cries” or… something. Mm. It still feels awkward when I write it out, but I think you get my point. The prose doesn’t get this passive too often, but for some reason this line in particular stood out to me as too distant.

I wonder if the two lines of dialogue in this story is necessary. Normally I’m a fan of grounding a scene in dialogue, but because the prose is already very obvious for the most part, and the story itself fits on just one page on my laptop screen, I wonder if they can be replaced by something else? The aron’s cry could be described as maybe a high-pitched egho, but then the actual all-caps screech might be lost… And the thought, ‘oh crap,’ I dunno, it seems a little cliché. Maybe an ironic sentence in narration could do instead? For example, “Today was going to be a wonderful day.” Eh, it’s a nitpick.

Final nitpick: I wonder if you can nix the final “than oneself” for a bigger final punch.

Anyway, fun read!

 

[kintsugi]

oh hey, it's Karo!

The sound that came with the scent soon arrived: the tapping of tiny feet against the stone floor.

I like how you strip the visuals out of this scene to tie in with how dark everything is; it's great for the mood and a really clever concept. Also, is the focus on scent because it's NOSEpass or am I just reading too far into this?

Around the time he finally fell silent, beginning to drift towards a near-bottomless sleep while pride in the prank he’d just pulled still lingered in his head, he noticed a metallic scent on the air once again.

This sentence feels a bit long -- there's a lot going on here and it's conveying several actions at once, which sort of smushes them together. I think for the first three actions (silence, pride, sleep), but the second metallic scent on the air is pretty much the payoff of this whole fic, so I feel like you could afford to space that bit of information out further from the rest.

Thus it was that Karo learned one of the many reasons why one should never pick on those smaller than oneself: it sometimes draws the attention—and the ire—of something larger than oneself.

I'm of two minds here -- this feels like the closing line of an Aesop, but at the same time it also feels like an unnecessary recap of what's currently a short and concise story. I think if you wanted to go the Aesop route you could frame the story with it by beginning/ending with an omniscient narrator line like this, or if you wanted to keep it tightly focused on Karo, you could get away with removing this line since the story stands pretty well on its own.

Otherwise, though, loving this. Your oneshots are really well-structured and this was no exception, although it's nice to see a lighter take on stories from you. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Sike Saner]

Namohysip: Why wouldn't the aron be laughing? Nothing's more hilarious than thinking you're about to be gruesomely murdered by a dangerous predator! :B

kintsugi: I think the scent thing mostly just came into focus as a side-effect of removing the visuals, but I do figure being attuned to metallic smells is a reasonable property for something that preys on steel-types to have.

Both: Thanks lots for the read 'n' reply! :D

 

[StellarWind]

Well, if he didn't know better before, now he certainly nose. Should exercise more common scents and some compassion for other beings in the future.

(Unfortunately, my mind cannot escape the pull of terrible puns).

In all seriousness, I would have never thought of NOSEPASS of all things as a predator, much less an ambush predator for steel types - but apparently that's an actual dex entry that I was never aware of because this thing was always just too damn goofy to be taken as any actual biological entity. Where does it even keep its mouth? Do we even want to know? What happens if one is flipped upside down? Does it hold its hand to its ears and wiggle them menacingly to ward away threats? The world may never know.

Makes a fun one-shot, though. ^^

 

[Sike Saner]

StellarWind: It's times like these I wish we had a brick emote for responding to posts. :p

Nosepass is indeed a predator! As for where I imagine the "mouthparts" are... well, they're NOSEpass. And said parts are made to process metal. Pleasant dreams!

Grinders confirmed for Aridian nosepass, meanwhile. Only they ought to be earpass, I suppose. Much like Alolan sandshrew/slash really ought to be snowshrew/slash.

Thanks lots for the read 'n' reply! :D

 

[Sinderella]

OMG A KARO STORY. I vividly remember Karo from that one day he was alive in that mafia game, and I was wondering if you'd ever written a story about him. Bless that I found this.

I won't get into anything too nitpicky or critical (not that I have a lot tbh) because I know you're retired, so I'll just keep this shorter and sweeter. For such a short story, I just like how we get a very good grasp on Karo's character, and pretty quickly too. I like how he has to waver back and forth between going down for his big boy nap or bullying a child, and he ultimately decides that bullying a child BEFORE his big boy nap would be much more entertaining.

I'll say that this is VERY MUCH in line with what I saw of Karo's character in that mafia game. Very........"I'm kinda sorta here to cause problems on purpose without thinking about the consequences of my actions until its too late." There's also the air of "I'm a lazy fuck" judging by the fact this nosey boy was about to take a nap for a couple decades (couldn't tell if that was a hyperbole or not but I'm under the impression it was not, I do not put it past Karo to sleep for 20 years), only to wake up to bully an Aaron.

He's in for a swift ass-beating from big Karen Aggron, and then maybe he'll go down for his nap much easier after that.

Thank you very much for the silly read and I hope to see you around!

 

[Sike Saner]

Hi, and hi! :D

Torchic W. Pip:

Ah so they sniff the metal particles in the air got it got it :p
Unless they stick iron up their noses like pencils... now I'm confused... >.<

It's closer to the latter. And often the metal is part of a living (or formerly living) thing. Yeah, nosepass are actually kind of dangerous to small, weak steel-types. Even the pokédex makes note of their predatory habits!

Karo has the honor of being both a fren AND a gremlin. 8D A frenlin, if you will. Sometimes both at the same time, to the same person.

Aron and company are Good Critters. They have a good design, make cute noises, and have a great shiny to boot. And generally, I'd imagine, messing with their babies is a, well, see title.

The horror... hmm. Not sure how to pin it down? The Origin of Storms is, I guess, a tragic sort of creature feature, but I'm not sure what to call Starlight (apart from shorter, less character-focused, and less graphic). There's content warnings in the first post of both, as well as in everything else I've got up; those're probably the best bet for figuring out if they're a good fit for you!

Sinderella: I pretty much had to write about him. Well, okay, the little writer quiz thing only asked for a paragraph, but. Oops!

Karo was definitely more of a b-hole in his younger days, but he absolutely retains a degree of that and always will. There's only so much a profound smackdown from an angry aggron can hope to quell. Sometimes he just can't help but put the fear of nose into someone, especially if 1.) he doesn't like them and/or 2.) if he thinks they'll react hilariously enough.

And oh yes, he was going to go to sleep for A While. And after getting partially disassembled by a metal dinosaur, I can guarantee you he did. Recovering from that the old-fashioned way takes a long time!

Thanks lots for the read and reply, both of you!

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, dropping in for this to tide me over to a proper return for a couple chapters of The Origin of Storms, though a little ficlet set in its same continuity, huh? Dunno if this will be spoiling anything by reading it, but I suppose I’ll wind up bumping into these characters soon enough either in TOoS or Communication, so let’s just go ahead and take a look-see:

In the darkness of the Granite Cave, Karo the nosepass nestled among the rock formations with a relaxed sigh. A few good decades’ worth of sleep sounded like a pretty good idea—until a sharp, metallic odor entered the air, faint at first but growing stronger by the second. He knew that scent all too well, and he was no better at ignoring it than he’d ever been.

The sound that came with the scent soon arrived: the tapping of tiny feet against the stone floor. The faint volume of those steps told that their maker was still at a bit of a distance. There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature as she drew nearer, but Karo didn’t need to see to know it was an aron who was approaching him.

… Wait, so Karo’s just being woken up now by that Aron? How sound of a sleeper is he anyways? ^^;

He thought about leaving her alone. He really did. After all, he wasn’t hungry in the least, so what reason was there not to mind his own business and let the aron go about her own?

Other than entertainment value, that is…

Oh, so this is the titular BAD IDEA™, hm? Since considering what Aron evolve into… yeah, this will end poorly for Karo if Aron’s father/mother is nearby and a bit higher up the totem pole.

Ultimately, he just couldn’t help himself. The thought of the nice scare he could give her just amused him too much. As the aron got close enough to feel the magnetic influence of the nosepass she’d strayed too near, Karo could hear the rhythm of her stride falter and change; she’d just realized the danger she’d gotten into. Knowing he had to make his move quickly lest the aron turn and run, he gave his magnetic field a sudden boost.

“KREEEEEEEEEE!” cried the aron, pulled sharply towards him. She scrabbled to right herself; once she managed to get back onto her feet, she tried fighting with all her strength against the invisible grip that had seized her, but couldn’t even take a single step forward.

Oh, so there’s non-sapient Pokémon in TOoS’ setting. Probably. Maybe. Can’t tell from that screech as opposed to coherent dialogue there.

And then, abruptly, Karo cut the power of his magnetic pull as much as he could. The aron, met with a sudden lack of resistance, went tumbling forward with a shout and a crash.

Karo:

Karo almost couldn’t hear the aron’s footsteps or even her cries over his own loud, honking laughter as she ran bawling out of the cavern. Around the time he finally fell silent, beginning to drift towards a near-bottomless sleep while pride in the prank he’d just pulled still lingered in his head, he noticed a metallic scent on the air once again. It was considerably stronger this time, though, and the footsteps that followed were much louder and slower and were accompanied by another sound—growling, Karo recognized with dread as he realized what was approaching him.

Yup, I knew that Aron’s parents were going to get involved. Have fun with that Lairon/Aggron, Karo.

There was no light in the cavern, no way to see the creature that now stood before him, uncomfortably close, undeterred by the threat his magnetic field represented to the aron, swishing her heavy tail back and forth with an effortless speed that spoke loud and clear of its owner’s strength. But Karo didn’t need to see her to know that he was now facing a very angry aggron.

Oh crap…

And there’s the reason for this one-shot’s title.

Thus it was that Karo learned one of the many reasons why one should never pick on those smaller than oneself: it sometimes draws the attention—and the ire—of something larger than oneself.

Ah yes, I love a happy ending~

Karo: “Oi! Happy for who here?!” @.@

I mean, I kinda saw where things were going from early on, but in terms of a comedic setup, “bully gets run over by karma” is a pretty sure-fire formula, and it works quite well here. It makes me wonder if this is similar to how Karo appears in your larger stories, or if he’s a bit wiser from experience by that time. Guess that’s a sign to jump back into TOoS sometime soon in this Review Blitz and to see where things go, huh?

Dunno how much it’ll mean to you since you’ve hung up your writing gear for the time being, but good work with the one-shot @Sike Saner . It’s a simple but effective piece that works well to leave a smile on one’s face, if not necessarily Karo’s.

 

[Sike Saner]

Spiteful Murkrow: Oh, he sleeps soundly as HECK. He was actually only just about to fall asleep there. If he'd been well and truly asleep, it'd have taken a lot more than anything a single aron could do to wake him. Maybe a lairon could've. But yeah, just a few minutes more and both that aron and Karo alike could've avoided all that hassle. :B

Aron-kid's noise was just a noise. Just an awful, shrill, semi-metallic scream, practically tailor-made by nature to alert any nearby adults that there is a babby in danger. That was just me spelling out what I thought that might sound like.

Karo's matured somewhat since then. Sort of. Yeah.

Thanks lots for the read and reply!