Inyssa
Junior Trainer
- Pronouns
- He/Him
- Partners
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Back at it again, took me a while because of irl stuff but i’m happy to be reading this again, especially after the triumphant note we ended up on last time, which I’m sure can’t possibly last, lol. I’ll be reviewing chapter by chapter as usual!
I like that I keep finding these very natural stopping points. I’ll be back as shortly as I can, but I like where the plot and the characters are going!
Despite the chaos at the end there, this chapter confirms a few things that were very heavily implied during the last one, most important perhaps being Irune’s importance, and that she was the actual ‘treasure’ the roly-poly caravan was transporting, which makes me think maybe all of the other valuables were to serve as distractions? Or maybe not, maybe they were just as important, but Lely’s remark that those berries were an odd thing to transport made me think that.
Like Kate said, it’s understandable the outlaws wouldn’t be in too much of a hurry considering how deep they are into this mystery dungeon, but celebrating so soon instead of scrambling was probably reckless. Though with the joy of a mission well done and all that loot and food to enjoy, even Lely ends up not thinking too much about it, and I don’t blame them. There’s still the question of how exactly the Salamance and his buddies managed to get here so fast if they weren’t tailing the roly-poly crew. I can’t imagine there being any sort of tracking device in this world, at least not a technological one. Was it something in the bag Irune wanted? Or something else? I guess we’ll find out eventually.
I liked how chaotic and frenetic the sudden battle felt. Also that despite the outlaws surely out-numbering their foes, they got completely destroyed because they were both exhausted and had just finished a big meal, which I’m sure would’ve dropped their fighting capabilities a lot. I know I’m not in the mood to move a lot after eating, lol. Feel bad for Myra and Alvin, even if the former realistically probably deserved it. And now we have our team of four finally assembled! What they’ll do from here on I have no idea, but if that excerpt at the beginning is anything to go by, probably carry Irune and use her as leverage to escape the mess they got themselves into. A mess Dalton seems to know more of than he lets on.
The only nitpick I’d have about this chapter is that there are some paragraphs in the narration that feel were a bit too bloated, or longer than I think were necessary. I noticed that the narration usually consists of Lyle noticing stuff and then remarking upon it. Sometimes it helps a lot with contextualizing everyone’s reactions and feelings, but in this chapter specifically I felt like there was a weird mix of Lyle noticing people’s ‘odd’ reactions but being unable to contextualize them, which maybe was the point but it made some descriptions feel like a ramble. This wasn’t really an issue during the calmer parts of the chapter, but this is an example from the chaos of the fighting later that I feel could’ve been edited to be shorter and punchier:
Specifically I feel like the narration calls too much attention to Lyle’s bodily reactions to the action, you could probably mention it once more briefly and let the scene flow better, but that’s just my opinion and it’s a very small nitpick.
Like Kate said, it’s understandable the outlaws wouldn’t be in too much of a hurry considering how deep they are into this mystery dungeon, but celebrating so soon instead of scrambling was probably reckless. Though with the joy of a mission well done and all that loot and food to enjoy, even Lely ends up not thinking too much about it, and I don’t blame them. There’s still the question of how exactly the Salamance and his buddies managed to get here so fast if they weren’t tailing the roly-poly crew. I can’t imagine there being any sort of tracking device in this world, at least not a technological one. Was it something in the bag Irune wanted? Or something else? I guess we’ll find out eventually.
I liked how chaotic and frenetic the sudden battle felt. Also that despite the outlaws surely out-numbering their foes, they got completely destroyed because they were both exhausted and had just finished a big meal, which I’m sure would’ve dropped their fighting capabilities a lot. I know I’m not in the mood to move a lot after eating, lol. Feel bad for Myra and Alvin, even if the former realistically probably deserved it. And now we have our team of four finally assembled! What they’ll do from here on I have no idea, but if that excerpt at the beginning is anything to go by, probably carry Irune and use her as leverage to escape the mess they got themselves into. A mess Dalton seems to know more of than he lets on.
The only nitpick I’d have about this chapter is that there are some paragraphs in the narration that feel were a bit too bloated, or longer than I think were necessary. I noticed that the narration usually consists of Lyle noticing stuff and then remarking upon it. Sometimes it helps a lot with contextualizing everyone’s reactions and feelings, but in this chapter specifically I felt like there was a weird mix of Lyle noticing people’s ‘odd’ reactions but being unable to contextualize them, which maybe was the point but it made some descriptions feel like a ramble. This wasn’t really an issue during the calmer parts of the chapter, but this is an example from the chaos of the fighting later that I feel could’ve been edited to be shorter and punchier:
Specifically I feel like the narration calls too much attention to Lyle’s bodily reactions to the action, you could probably mention it once more briefly and let the scene flow better, but that’s just my opinion and it’s a very small nitpick.
I was wrong before, THIS is how we get our main four together, lol. I misjudged how many of them had managed to escape last time, and it’s sad that it didn’t last long. This was a pretty neat chapter in terms of showing the building dread and exhaustion as the characters get pushed to their breaking point in an attempt to escape, but because it’s sort of a continuation from the situation from last chapter I don’t have much to comment on that front, same with the battles. Though they were very well-written and dynamic, as always.
What I found most interesting about this chapter were the little bits of worldbuilding thrown in, especially about the nature of mystery dungeons and the ‘relics’ found and discussed throughout. It took me a bit to realize what the one they found was, lol, at least until the two parts were described. That’s really cool, and it only makes me wonder what was the reason for all of it. That and what was discussed before regarding the lost ‘gods’ and whatever Irune’s role in all of this is.
This chapter felt like it flowed smoother, the few moments of peace in between all the battles were nice respites and the end there with all the mons exhausted and ready to keel over felt earned; I can’t wait to see what they decide to do now that they probably have nowhere to go back to.
What I found most interesting about this chapter were the little bits of worldbuilding thrown in, especially about the nature of mystery dungeons and the ‘relics’ found and discussed throughout. It took me a bit to realize what the one they found was, lol, at least until the two parts were described. That’s really cool, and it only makes me wonder what was the reason for all of it. That and what was discussed before regarding the lost ‘gods’ and whatever Irune’s role in all of this is.
This chapter felt like it flowed smoother, the few moments of peace in between all the battles were nice respites and the end there with all the mons exhausted and ready to keel over felt earned; I can’t wait to see what they decide to do now that they probably have nowhere to go back to.
As far as inciting incidents and following premises go, the five chapters before this, all the build-up and the raid gone wrong are very well constructed looking back, narratively speaking. It’s done fast, though not so much so that it sacrifices any character moments or important establishing information. We even got some good fight scenes throughout. It’s a good start to a story I think, at least one of the length I’m imagining this will end up being.
Anyway, onto what actually happens in the chapter, I’m a little bit surprised that none of them even considered the idea of giving Irene back to her captors for a possible pardon/reward, as underhanded as it is. Obviously Dalton doesn’t seem the type, and Lyle isn’t either at least not inwardly, but I feel like Kate would’ve considered it, at least. Maybe it’s all the more obvious to them that it wouldn’t work, that it’s not worth the risk to present themselves to those soldiers again, or to any authority, after what they’ve done before.
They all accepted their new mission pretty fast too, though that’s more understandable considering how hungry they are, and knowing they need to make a decision right now. Irune also gives them something to look forward to; it’s that common social rule where people are all the more eager to do something dangerous twice after losing what they thought they’d gained before. Not that I’m saying Irune is trying to trick them, but it does ring true to how people act, lol. So good work there.
I’m thinking about the quicker pace of this chapter, and I feel like while writing an additional one before they make up their minds would’ve been slightly more realistic, it also would’ve been too much, so I get why you decided to speed things along a little. I’m very excited to see what the start of this new journey will be like, so it worked on me!
Anyway, onto what actually happens in the chapter, I’m a little bit surprised that none of them even considered the idea of giving Irene back to her captors for a possible pardon/reward, as underhanded as it is. Obviously Dalton doesn’t seem the type, and Lyle isn’t either at least not inwardly, but I feel like Kate would’ve considered it, at least. Maybe it’s all the more obvious to them that it wouldn’t work, that it’s not worth the risk to present themselves to those soldiers again, or to any authority, after what they’ve done before.
They all accepted their new mission pretty fast too, though that’s more understandable considering how hungry they are, and knowing they need to make a decision right now. Irune also gives them something to look forward to; it’s that common social rule where people are all the more eager to do something dangerous twice after losing what they thought they’d gained before. Not that I’m saying Irune is trying to trick them, but it does ring true to how people act, lol. So good work there.
I’m thinking about the quicker pace of this chapter, and I feel like while writing an additional one before they make up their minds would’ve been slightly more realistic, it also would’ve been too much, so I get why you decided to speed things along a little. I’m very excited to see what the start of this new journey will be like, so it worked on me!
I like that I keep finding these very natural stopping points. I’ll be back as shortly as I can, but I like where the plot and the characters are going!