"To Speak Again" by Starlight Aurate
“Want to charm that pretty lass down the street? Or make a statement at the latest social? Come and take a gander at these ‘ere crystals!”
An assortment of quartz, opals, amethysts, and more sparkled in a glittering rainbow beneath a dull, grey sky. Alistair waved his cane over his wares while the eyes of onlookers hungrily devoured the glimmering spectacles. A top hat sat tilted over his chin-length greasy blonde hair. His pale blue eyes gazed out from beneath its brim, surveying his customers calculatingly. His midnight black coat was ragged, with embroideries of moon phases stretching across his sleeves and over his back.
“How much for this ‘un?” a man grunted.
“Ah, that quartz is a special ‘un, it is! M’mate, Voleur, and I to fight off three Spiritomb to get to it. We’ll sell it t’ye fer 250 quid!”
“250 quid?! This ain’t worth half that! I’ll give ye a hundred.”
“That’s an insult! If that’s yer offer, then be off with ye!”
Judge Comments
bluesidra
OOoh, what an interesting and lovely story. I’ve been looking up and down the wiki for who these people might be and came up empty handed, so I’ll assume they’re your own creations. And very good ones at that.
Alistair I liked especially. He’s a shrewd trickster, but has clearly a lot of second thoughts about the things that are leaning heavily into dark-gray morality territory. He’s also curious and very knowledgeable, which is a thing I always like to see. He’s clearly abandoned their usual mission in favor of helping his friend, and he pushes all doubts aside for that. Voleur is clearly the hothead in the relationship, and the one who doesn’t value human life too much. Him throwing a tantrum in the jungle was really endearing, but killing an old lady after just one round of bargaining? He makes for a bad merchant if that’s how he reacts to haggling.
If I didn’t like Alistair so much, I’d regret seeing the story through his eyes. Maybe a lucario’s perspective on what Voleur was thinking when he murdered the woman would explain why he overreacted like this. Maybe she sparked something in him, that laid buried? He took the normal business during the introduction scene well – even if Alistair sold the gem to Victoria under value. (Lol, also kudos to making the pokemon the one who’s better with money, I love it.)
Then a big OOOOoooooh! on that world you’ve built there. Magic and colonial times vibes. :big_eyes:
I love to see some magic in pokemon. Not because the setting is underpowered or anything, but I recently hit a similar wall, where humans are just straight out outpowered by pokemon and that makes for a sad narrative.
Storytime from my own writing: Usually, a trainer’s "value" grows with the power of his team. But separated from his team, the trainer doesn’t have anything going for him. I feel like that’s a bit of an uneven equation here. Back when you were a tiny gible, you needed the human to take care of you and train you, but now you’re a fully grown pseudo-legendary, who can fly, swim and rip through mountains like it’s nothing, while your human has become more of a liability to you than anything. Friendship, yes, but even for the human, that’s sad. So I, too, concluded that giving the human at least some sort of ability they can apply to be useful to their pokemon is the only way to make that imbalance work. Be it either a sense that the pokemon is lacking, a steady source of food and shelter, or, when both don’t apply, magic.
Your magic here is quite serviceable for 7k. It’s not deeply explored, not by far, but that’s okay. All the reader needs to know is that it’s a thing. But worldbuilding me is so curious… Oh, and the fact that they don’t resolve the issue by the end and there’s no clear explanation as to why makes the magic and the gods involved a lot stronger.
Then, the setting. It’s also very vague. No technology mentioned, but top hats and a jungle. Which gave me a strong throwback into my Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag days. I was shamelessly vibin’ in fictional caribbean colonies the entire time. Also adds that little dash of indiana jones explorer type to Alistair and Voleur. Ah, yes, colonialism… almost guiltlessly enjoyed thanks to fiction.
The peek into Ayuyu culture is very imaginative, despite it only being a few paragraphs. Also, thanks to this fic, I learned about the Taotao Mo’na today, and now I thiiiiink the magic not working is not as unexplained as I thought a few minutes ago… Also, whoopsie, were in South East Asia, not the carribean. Wrong tropical dream destination.
As for pacing, spelling and the mechanical stuff: It be pretty good. It could have used one more readthrough, I’ve pointed it out in the line-quotes, but it’s nothing major. I’m not the biggest fan of dialect in written word, because it makes it a lot more difficult to parse, but Allistair was okay. I needed to read along to the tts to know what’s going on, but it was just very basic things. Though I don’t know why you chose this speech pattern for him in the first place. No other character aside from Voleur has a major speaking role to contrast him with. Victoria’s poshness could have been upped by choice of words and Voleur doesn’t count because telepathy. Pacing wise, it had me gripped from the beginning to the end. At no point did I lose interest or leer at the clock or sth like this. The end of the flashback was a bit on the nose (I almost heard the soundeffect), but that was quickly forgotten, because the story moved on so fast and the flashback itself was fun as well.
The only thing I think is a serious issue is that I don’t see the villainy too strongly in this. Yes, they killed someone and sucked the soul out of another, but what’s a little murder, amiright? Okay, it’s pretty evil and only the consequences of their actions. But, like, they have their reasons. And their second thoughts. (I just like Alistair too much, don’t I?)
Well, if anything, take it as a compliment. I really enjoyed this story. So much, that I start to justify the actions of the protagonists. It didn’t feel explicitly pokemon-y, but it’s a breath of fresh air that’s very welcome. Also, holiday feelings!
Alistair I liked especially. He’s a shrewd trickster, but has clearly a lot of second thoughts about the things that are leaning heavily into dark-gray morality territory. He’s also curious and very knowledgeable, which is a thing I always like to see. He’s clearly abandoned their usual mission in favor of helping his friend, and he pushes all doubts aside for that. Voleur is clearly the hothead in the relationship, and the one who doesn’t value human life too much. Him throwing a tantrum in the jungle was really endearing, but killing an old lady after just one round of bargaining? He makes for a bad merchant if that’s how he reacts to haggling.
If I didn’t like Alistair so much, I’d regret seeing the story through his eyes. Maybe a lucario’s perspective on what Voleur was thinking when he murdered the woman would explain why he overreacted like this. Maybe she sparked something in him, that laid buried? He took the normal business during the introduction scene well – even if Alistair sold the gem to Victoria under value. (Lol, also kudos to making the pokemon the one who’s better with money, I love it.)
Then a big OOOOoooooh! on that world you’ve built there. Magic and colonial times vibes. :big_eyes:
I love to see some magic in pokemon. Not because the setting is underpowered or anything, but I recently hit a similar wall, where humans are just straight out outpowered by pokemon and that makes for a sad narrative.
Storytime from my own writing: Usually, a trainer’s "value" grows with the power of his team. But separated from his team, the trainer doesn’t have anything going for him. I feel like that’s a bit of an uneven equation here. Back when you were a tiny gible, you needed the human to take care of you and train you, but now you’re a fully grown pseudo-legendary, who can fly, swim and rip through mountains like it’s nothing, while your human has become more of a liability to you than anything. Friendship, yes, but even for the human, that’s sad. So I, too, concluded that giving the human at least some sort of ability they can apply to be useful to their pokemon is the only way to make that imbalance work. Be it either a sense that the pokemon is lacking, a steady source of food and shelter, or, when both don’t apply, magic.
Your magic here is quite serviceable for 7k. It’s not deeply explored, not by far, but that’s okay. All the reader needs to know is that it’s a thing. But worldbuilding me is so curious… Oh, and the fact that they don’t resolve the issue by the end and there’s no clear explanation as to why makes the magic and the gods involved a lot stronger.
Then, the setting. It’s also very vague. No technology mentioned, but top hats and a jungle. Which gave me a strong throwback into my Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag days. I was shamelessly vibin’ in fictional caribbean colonies the entire time. Also adds that little dash of indiana jones explorer type to Alistair and Voleur. Ah, yes, colonialism… almost guiltlessly enjoyed thanks to fiction.
The peek into Ayuyu culture is very imaginative, despite it only being a few paragraphs. Also, thanks to this fic, I learned about the Taotao Mo’na today, and now I thiiiiink the magic not working is not as unexplained as I thought a few minutes ago… Also, whoopsie, were in South East Asia, not the carribean. Wrong tropical dream destination.
As for pacing, spelling and the mechanical stuff: It be pretty good. It could have used one more readthrough, I’ve pointed it out in the line-quotes, but it’s nothing major. I’m not the biggest fan of dialect in written word, because it makes it a lot more difficult to parse, but Allistair was okay. I needed to read along to the tts to know what’s going on, but it was just very basic things. Though I don’t know why you chose this speech pattern for him in the first place. No other character aside from Voleur has a major speaking role to contrast him with. Victoria’s poshness could have been upped by choice of words and Voleur doesn’t count because telepathy. Pacing wise, it had me gripped from the beginning to the end. At no point did I lose interest or leer at the clock or sth like this. The end of the flashback was a bit on the nose (I almost heard the soundeffect), but that was quickly forgotten, because the story moved on so fast and the flashback itself was fun as well.
The only thing I think is a serious issue is that I don’t see the villainy too strongly in this. Yes, they killed someone and sucked the soul out of another, but what’s a little murder, amiright? Okay, it’s pretty evil and only the consequences of their actions. But, like, they have their reasons. And their second thoughts. (I just like Alistair too much, don’t I?)
Well, if anything, take it as a compliment. I really enjoyed this story. So much, that I start to justify the actions of the protagonists. It didn’t feel explicitly pokemon-y, but it’s a breath of fresh air that’s very welcome. Also, holiday feelings!
3000 points for this fic already!
ngl, the yearly mango festival sounds like fun
Voleur goes full Darth Vader on her, I love it.
So. As someone who’s played many spellcasters in DnD before. Lose initiative and he will definitely defend himself and your d6 hitpoints won’t help you.
Here’s where it could have needed some more proofreading. "disappeared vanished." And wasn’t her name Pippa before?
SparklingEspeon
Definitely liked the vibe of this one! It has a vibe like those indiana-jones type explorer pieces set in the early 20th century, which I think gave this oneshot a lot of style and pizzazz that helped spice it up.
Alastair and Voleur definitely have a swankiness to them that feels appropriate - they are master thieves, after all. But those street skills also feel appropriate to the genre this story seems to inhabit that I can’t put my finger on - period piece? I guess the point is, they feel like gentlemen thieves, and it’s those street smarts that enable them to con their way into Victoria’s hearts. And, I guess, the fact that they have a family connection. It’s also clear that those street smarts are a careful approach of theirs that they’ve used several times in the past to get their way, except it’s clearly gone wrong for them once they stumble across the wrong person to rob and suffer the consequences. One thing I wondered was if it was actually possible for them to recover Voleur’s aura speech if they’d just… stopped doing what they were doing and turned it around instead. But rather than doing that, they continue conning people and being dishonest, so I guess it makes sense that even if a clause like that were in place, they wouldn’t be triggering it anyway.
Themewise - Nothing too complicated going on here, but I did like the fairly simple and effective concept you had going on for your villains here. Alistair and Voleur paid a terrible price for their terrible actions, and their motives to get them back are understandable - and it’s not necessarily like they’re plotting world domination or something, even if what they’re doing is still destructive and terrible on a personal level. They’re just two people who did a bad thing, suffered the consequences, and are then… doing more bad things to try and pedal themselves out of it. Which doesn’t work. On one hand the severity of the consequences they suffered is enough to allow us enough sympathy that we can see into their perspective and understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, but on the other hand…. Welp, they kinda brought that all on themselves.
The end of the oneshot is very grim - Voyeur gets his aura back for… all of one minute, and then it suddenly disappears, and Victoria seems to have had her… soul sucked out or something? I’m not entirely sure exactly how it affected her, but the implication definitely seemed to be that she lost an important part of herself when she lost her aura, which affected her far deeper than when Voleur had his taken away. The more horrifying part about it is that she didn’t even want to do the procedure in the first place, and it doesn’t seem like anyone’s particularly looking out for her at the end either. They just walk her back to the house, and are either just acting like she’s okay (which, even if it’s playing a bit of second fiddle to Voleur’s dilemma, sounds like a very Alistair + Voleur thing to do), or ignoring it, when she really… isn’t. On top of that, there’s the implication that Voleur seems to have a spiritual blacklist from aura that a simple transfer can’t mend, and so the answer might be entirely out of their hands - which they, again, brought on themselves. It definitely felt as hopeless to read as it must have felt for the characters.
Overall, good work! I really liked the genre and vibes of this one, and you did a really good job creating villains that are both sympathetic and truly despicable at once. Great work, and thanks for the read!
windskull
This was an interesting setup, and fairly unique amongst the contest fics. You do a good job of getting the villain PoV across. Alistar and Voleur are clearly bad people. They try to swindle people, they’re willing to murder and steal for goods and shelter, and willing to take advantage of kindness of others. About their only redeeming quality is the fact that they care about each other. Which, in my opinion, makes them feel more realistic. Most evil people have *something* they care about, and for these two, that’s each other.
In general the prose was good. I only noticed one typo, which I’ll list below.
I’m assuming you meant illustrations.
Aside from that, there were a couple spots where the prose fell flat. The first was the opening. It wasn’t necessarily that the prose itself was bad. It’s just that it did little to grab my attention, and came across as mundane. Especially set against the magical backdrop that makes up the rest of the story.
The other spot was the following:
Something about “he looked incredibly stressed out” didn’t work for me. I can’t quite put my finger on why. I can tell why you want to make it clear he was stressed, and I’m not totally sure of the best way to show that. More body language, playing into Voleur’s canine physiology perhaps? I just, in general, feel that the line is really weak.
I think my primary critique with this story is that I felt there were certain things that needed further fleshing out. The two that first come to mind are the Time Sapphire and the ending, particularly the stuff surrounding what happened to Victoria.
From the time the Time Sapphire first comes up, I was left confused. It just kind of gets glossed over, and it wasn’t until about halfway through the remainder of the story that I remembered what Time Flowers were. Namely because, if I remember correctly, they only come up within Lucario and the Mystery of Mew, and it’s been a loooong time since I watched that movie. Without that knowledge, it just kind of feels like a random, made up concept that comes out of nowhere. So I, personally, would have at least given a bit more of a description off what it does. If not directly to Victoria (since they wanted to hide its other use and what happened to the previous hut dweller) then internally. I know it briefly gets touched on later, but I would have appreciated a little extra information.
On the subject of Victoria, it wasn’t clear to me what was going on with her at the end, and it felt sort of glossed over. She wasn’t behaving the same after whatever happened, but the story doesn’t really explain why. It’s not clear to me if she’s just in shock after losing her latent aura abilities, or if there’s something more sinister afoot.
