Sup, Flaze. I'm here to fulfill one of your outstanding review prizes from Review Blitz 2021! What's that? You say Review Blitz 2022's already started? Neeeever mind that, let's just get this review underway!
I really love the grittier setting you're working with here, and reluctant former gangster trying to find his way in the world after swearing off his former life is absolutely one of my favorite character types! I've enjoyed watching him do his thing so far. He's obviously decisive when he wants to be (see his confrontation with Juan), but the biggest sense that I get of him so far is that he's lost, his former aspirations having been dashed and nothing having arisen to fill the void of purpose he used to have. Thus far the narrative's been suggesting that figuring up with these illegal guns is perhaps what's going to give Miguel something to fight for again, and I'm curious to see where that plot will take us and what it's going to lead Miguel to discover about himself. In general I think there's been a good balance between showing who Miguel is and what sort of situation he's in and not giving everything away yet--the mystery of what's up with Miguel's mother and brother and what exactly went down that led to him bailing on Team Murkrow is one I'm really looking forward to learning more about. Especially because I'm sure those are going to end up intersecting with Miguel's current life in deeply inconvenient ways. :P
I do agree with other reviewers that the podcast introduction to the gang situation was a bit expository and probably unnecessary, but it didn't bother me much. In general I think the opening chapter picked up steam as it went along. I agree with pretty much everyone else that Juan vs Miguel is the real highlight here, a great opportunity taken to contrast the two of them and also show what sort of person Miguel is under pressure. One certainly gets the impression that Team Murkrow is a lot worse off with Juan in charge than it was under Miguel.
Another thing I liked in Chapter 1 (and throughout the rest of the fic, really) was the focus on Miguel's community and the people who perhaps aren't going to be as significant to "the plot" but who are important to his life and its context. It's easy for main characters to fall into the trap of being the only fully-realized people in a story, interacting with each other and not many other people besides the odd bit character, but Miguel feels much more a part of his environment and the new region that you're working to build here. I think his integration with the community works well both for what I'm seeing as the story's themes so far and to make him interesting and distinct from the "typical" trainer protagonist.
I didn't find Chapter 2 to be overly long, although I could certainly see ways to split it if you so chose. In some places, such as the initial scene in the convenience store, the "scene" as such seemed like more of an excuse to get a bit of backstory in than an important contribution to the story in and of itself. I'm not at all opposed to the backstory in general, and I enjoyed what we saw of it here! I do wonder whether it might be better to parcel it out a bit differently, perhaps go a little lighter on the flashbacks here in Chapter 2 and save a bit more for later, but I imagine there's quite a bit to get through (we still know very little about Miguel's brother, for example) and that may not be possible. The highlight of the second chapter, for me, was meeting Nadia; I'd been curious how she was going to play into things since it was alluded to in Chapter 1 that Miguel knew her. I thought you did a good job of sketching out their easy, long-time friend dynamic, and I love the very obvious points of friction between them. Although they pretty much grew up together, it's obvious that Nadia and Miguel nonetheless occupy different worlds and have different views on life, and I anticipate that's going to lead to a lot of tension and pain in the future. Good stuff!
I also quite enjoyed the little interaction in the restaurant between Miguel and Keita. Based on what other commentors have said, it sounds like he might be a recurring character, which I think would be fun! Someone else who's from a different world... What I've enjoyed so far in the first couple chapters of this fanfic is the sense of many different cultures and ideologies coming together in one place, lots of different approaches to an often-harsh life in Caliorn, and I look forward to learning more about how this place operates and the many different sorts of people who inhabit it in the upcoming chapters.
Also, I was a bit alarmed that Miguel was still carrying that gun around what I interpreted as being a while after his confrontation with Juan in the second chapter. (Not entirely clear to me how much time passed between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.) Sure hope he's gotten rid of it by now! Otherwise I can only imagine it coming back around to bite him somehow...
As a certified enjoyer of food in fanfic, I will also echo what others have said that I enjoy the attention paid to what characters are eating throughout the story. It all sounds very tasty so far! Will look forward to more in future chapters. And I sympathize with Miguel's struggle with tequeños. Is your health worth forgoing the cheesy serenade of a tequeño? Absolutely not, imo. :P
Unfortunately I do also have to echo something that I imagine you're pretty tired of hearing by now, that at times the mechanics of the prose were a bit rough and detracted from the experience a bit. People have talked about this quite a bit, so I'm going to try and limit my comments to what hasn't been covered a lot already. It sounds like you're already doing what you ought to in terms of seeking outside help with the editing, and I'm sure you're working on getting this stuff down yourself, too! The only thing I'd say you could look to work on outside of what you're presumably already doing is using spellcheck to get rid of some of the word smushes that show up throughout. Not sure why spaces seem to disappear on you now and then (keyboard issue?), but "brother.He", "tongue,reaching", "Mr.Palmarturned", "gossips,had", "fromher", and so on are all things spellcheck should flag for you for easy correction. Might be a good extra proofreading step to add after you've done everything else, since it seems to come up pretty frequently.
I'm otherwise going to try to focus more on things I haven't seen other people point out/more stylistic rather than mechanical, since I feel like these first couple chapters have been picked over pretty well already and you probably have a good idea of what you'd like to focus on already. In summary: watch out for dialogue punctuation, comma splices, and semicolons where they don't belong. Besides those...
All in all, I think this is a solid start! You have a refreshing take on the pokémon world, some fun characters, and an intriguing setup. It's a little early for me to get a great sense of where this is all headed, but this story is really my kind of thing. Hope you're able to pop up and post some more chapters sometime; I'd certainly be interested in reading them. But one way or another, thank you for what you've shared with us so far!
I really love the grittier setting you're working with here, and reluctant former gangster trying to find his way in the world after swearing off his former life is absolutely one of my favorite character types! I've enjoyed watching him do his thing so far. He's obviously decisive when he wants to be (see his confrontation with Juan), but the biggest sense that I get of him so far is that he's lost, his former aspirations having been dashed and nothing having arisen to fill the void of purpose he used to have. Thus far the narrative's been suggesting that figuring up with these illegal guns is perhaps what's going to give Miguel something to fight for again, and I'm curious to see where that plot will take us and what it's going to lead Miguel to discover about himself. In general I think there's been a good balance between showing who Miguel is and what sort of situation he's in and not giving everything away yet--the mystery of what's up with Miguel's mother and brother and what exactly went down that led to him bailing on Team Murkrow is one I'm really looking forward to learning more about. Especially because I'm sure those are going to end up intersecting with Miguel's current life in deeply inconvenient ways. :P
I do agree with other reviewers that the podcast introduction to the gang situation was a bit expository and probably unnecessary, but it didn't bother me much. In general I think the opening chapter picked up steam as it went along. I agree with pretty much everyone else that Juan vs Miguel is the real highlight here, a great opportunity taken to contrast the two of them and also show what sort of person Miguel is under pressure. One certainly gets the impression that Team Murkrow is a lot worse off with Juan in charge than it was under Miguel.
Another thing I liked in Chapter 1 (and throughout the rest of the fic, really) was the focus on Miguel's community and the people who perhaps aren't going to be as significant to "the plot" but who are important to his life and its context. It's easy for main characters to fall into the trap of being the only fully-realized people in a story, interacting with each other and not many other people besides the odd bit character, but Miguel feels much more a part of his environment and the new region that you're working to build here. I think his integration with the community works well both for what I'm seeing as the story's themes so far and to make him interesting and distinct from the "typical" trainer protagonist.
I didn't find Chapter 2 to be overly long, although I could certainly see ways to split it if you so chose. In some places, such as the initial scene in the convenience store, the "scene" as such seemed like more of an excuse to get a bit of backstory in than an important contribution to the story in and of itself. I'm not at all opposed to the backstory in general, and I enjoyed what we saw of it here! I do wonder whether it might be better to parcel it out a bit differently, perhaps go a little lighter on the flashbacks here in Chapter 2 and save a bit more for later, but I imagine there's quite a bit to get through (we still know very little about Miguel's brother, for example) and that may not be possible. The highlight of the second chapter, for me, was meeting Nadia; I'd been curious how she was going to play into things since it was alluded to in Chapter 1 that Miguel knew her. I thought you did a good job of sketching out their easy, long-time friend dynamic, and I love the very obvious points of friction between them. Although they pretty much grew up together, it's obvious that Nadia and Miguel nonetheless occupy different worlds and have different views on life, and I anticipate that's going to lead to a lot of tension and pain in the future. Good stuff!
I also quite enjoyed the little interaction in the restaurant between Miguel and Keita. Based on what other commentors have said, it sounds like he might be a recurring character, which I think would be fun! Someone else who's from a different world... What I've enjoyed so far in the first couple chapters of this fanfic is the sense of many different cultures and ideologies coming together in one place, lots of different approaches to an often-harsh life in Caliorn, and I look forward to learning more about how this place operates and the many different sorts of people who inhabit it in the upcoming chapters.
Also, I was a bit alarmed that Miguel was still carrying that gun around what I interpreted as being a while after his confrontation with Juan in the second chapter. (Not entirely clear to me how much time passed between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.) Sure hope he's gotten rid of it by now! Otherwise I can only imagine it coming back around to bite him somehow...
As a certified enjoyer of food in fanfic, I will also echo what others have said that I enjoy the attention paid to what characters are eating throughout the story. It all sounds very tasty so far! Will look forward to more in future chapters. And I sympathize with Miguel's struggle with tequeños. Is your health worth forgoing the cheesy serenade of a tequeño? Absolutely not, imo. :P
Unfortunately I do also have to echo something that I imagine you're pretty tired of hearing by now, that at times the mechanics of the prose were a bit rough and detracted from the experience a bit. People have talked about this quite a bit, so I'm going to try and limit my comments to what hasn't been covered a lot already. It sounds like you're already doing what you ought to in terms of seeking outside help with the editing, and I'm sure you're working on getting this stuff down yourself, too! The only thing I'd say you could look to work on outside of what you're presumably already doing is using spellcheck to get rid of some of the word smushes that show up throughout. Not sure why spaces seem to disappear on you now and then (keyboard issue?), but "brother.He", "tongue,reaching", "Mr.Palmarturned", "gossips,had", "fromher", and so on are all things spellcheck should flag for you for easy correction. Might be a good extra proofreading step to add after you've done everything else, since it seems to come up pretty frequently.
I'm otherwise going to try to focus more on things I haven't seen other people point out/more stylistic rather than mechanical, since I feel like these first couple chapters have been picked over pretty well already and you probably have a good idea of what you'd like to focus on already. In summary: watch out for dialogue punctuation, comma splices, and semicolons where they don't belong. Besides those...
What I think this is saying is because Fiera's mane was stained red it camouflaged her in the flames (where presumably she wouldn't have been if it stayed white). This didn't really work for me--don't think blood red really blends in with fire and I think it'd probably just look blackish in firelight.
Screams wouldn't be drowning out Miguels ears, they'd be drowning out other noises going on around him.
This is a fragment rather than a full sentence--was a bit jarring to me.
I think you mean *their sides?
"Mind wondering" strikes me as unnecessary here; Miguel wouldn't be wondering with anything else. Makes it more intense/immediate to keep it simply as "Miguel wondered" or similar imo.
"Wave of alcohol" sounds rather literal to me. "Wave of alcohol stink" or similar, perhaps?
This one read a little strange to me. "Smacking" doesn't sound quite strong enough of a sound to go with "slammed." I also think it'd be "the smack" resounding rather than smacking. (And "around" the room rather than "throughout.)
"Scooping the gun out of Juan" is a pretty horrifying image! :P I think you want "out of a startled Juan's hand" or similar.
Bit odd for Icarus to be "it" rather than "he" here.
Not sure why "Nuñez’s" is possessive here.
"Between" wants two objects to operate on, so either change to something like "closing the distance to the abomasnow" or "closing the distance between himself and the abomasnow."
I think you want fell *to the box; "fall for" means "to be taken in by."
I thought it was kind of odd for you to have Miguel wonder here, then immediately say "actually it wasn't hard for him to figure out." Seems like it would work better to move straight to him figuring it out if it's such a nonissue.
*cooed
This is a totally random sentence fragment, maybe generated during editing?
*Fiera
I'll be honest, I'm really curious who else Nadia thinks it might be worthwhile to report this stuff to.
*Manectric's
*upper hand, not sure if that's just another accidental smush
You either want to make it "the manecric's" or capitalize "manectric."
This is another fragment.
Here "he" refers to the voice, not the person.
*Manectrics'
All in all, I think this is a solid start! You have a refreshing take on the pokémon world, some fun characters, and an intriguing setup. It's a little early for me to get a great sense of where this is all headed, but this story is really my kind of thing. Hope you're able to pop up and post some more chapters sometime; I'd certainly be interested in reading them. But one way or another, thank you for what you've shared with us so far!