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Pokémon Hunger of Wishes

Hunger of Wishes: Chapter 1

CluelessJoker

Youngster
Pronouns
He/Him
Summary
Sierra is a chikorita down on her luck, running low on funds and patience she decides to take a job on impulse which sets her on a path to meeting a strange pokemon in the mystery dungeons. Sierra, and company slowly rise through the ranks of the Pokemon Ranger Organization on their quest for fame, fortune, and respect. However, strange and otherworldly forces have arrayed themselves against the world they inhabit, and this strange amnesiac pokemon on the team may hold an unknown connection to them. Using their wits, guile and endurance, Team Cheri Colas must weather the storm that threatens to undo not just their world, but many others.

About The Author
I'm CluelessJoker, I joined this site to begin my foray into hobby writing as a promise to myself a couple of months ago. I enjoy fighting games, D&D, roleplay, and a myriad of other video games. I've been a 5th edition dungeon master for around 8 years now and have been in multiple campaigns as a player as well. I've written some stories for personal enjoyment before but this will be my first work I release into the wild.

This story takes place in an adjacent timeline to the Super Mystery Dungeon canon but follows it very loosely. It is largely an original setting. My goal with this story will be largely character focused but with light themes of cosmic horror and dark fantasy.

This story will start out T Rated though I may bump up the rating if my beta readers recommend me to.

Violence, blood, death, and dark themes are some things that will very likely be present.

I am aiming for each chapter to be at least 1k-5k words in length, on the shorter side.

Number of chapters is currently undetermined, I believe I shall update as I go.

I plan to post here and on PMD FFN under the same username. I currently have no plans for an AO3 though I may decide to post there in the future.

I hope you enjoy my first foray into fan writing.

-CluelessJoker

Chapter 1 patch notes: Fixed some grammar, got rid of all the double spaces, added a paragraph describing Sierra's house, changed the intro to Barry and Larry, rewrote some sentences. Special thanks to Ambyssin for the feedback.
Chapter 1 patch notes part 2: Fixed some typos, rewrote some sentences to flow better, officially changed the name of the Rescue Explorer's guild to the Pokemon Ranger Organization (PRO). Special thanks to Dr.Glutamate, Namohysip and Kaybee for the feedback.

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Chapter 1: I wish for a future


Today was the day!

A lone Chikorita burst from her humble home into the warm summer air of her hometown. Today was the day she’d finally get her responses. The Chikorita bounded towards her mailbox in barely contained excitement. The mail had finally come to Slumberly, and more importantly, so had the response letters she had sent out.

The Chikorita extended her vines towards the modestly stuffed mailbox, trembling with excitement. She had spent the better part of a month sending out letters requesting a new teammate. Her team was only one pokemon shy of being a full fledged Pokemon Ranger Organization team. She had put in requests all over the continent of Gaiashur for her new tactician. She already had herself, the leader, Gwurm, the muscle, all she needed was a tactician to finally start taking on the real jobs at the guild and not just the scraps.

With optimistic trepidation the Chikorita grabbed, opened, and read the first letter from the mailbox aloud to herself.

“Dear Sierra, I have received your request for a tactician and wish to send back my warmest regards.” Sierra bounced in place, this one sounded like a winner. “It is with my sincerest apologies that I must decline your--”

The words hit Sierra like a brick, she let the word ‘decline’ hang in the air for a bit. Even without reading the rest it was clear that this person would not be joining her team.

No matter, she thought, there were plenty of other letters. After all, she made sure to take a shotgun approach this time. Rifling her vines through the stacks of letters she pulled out another one and began reading.

“Hello Sierra, this is Malki from Thasis Oasis. I have looked into your ranger team at the behest of your letter and have found the results to be wanting for lack of a better-”

Wanting!? Sierra couldn’t believe it. Angrily, she tore the note in half, not bothering to read the rest of it. Well this wasn’t a major setback, there were plenty more. One of them had to be a winner, right?

“Howdy Sierra, I got your letter and thought I’d send one back to ya. Sorry but my plate is full, but if your still--”

Sierra tossed the note aside. Another rejection but there were still plenty other letters, on to the next one!

“I’m sorry to inform you Sierra, that I must respectfully decline--”
“Dear Sierra, I cannot join your--"
“My answer is n--”
“Declined--”

Sierra continued to read with increasingly furious abandon. She tore through the contents of each note before tossing them into an ever growing pile next to the mailbox. No no no! This can’t be right! One of these has to be a winner! They can’t all be rejection letters! Not again!

Sierra’s gaze lingered on the last letter. She snatched the letter with her vines, tore open the envelope and began to read. She didn’t need to get through much though, inside the envelope was her recruit application form. A large red stamp with only the word "Denied" was emblazoned onto the parchment.

Sierra started to grit her teeth, her vines trembled, her vision dimmed. Not one!? Not one lousy applicant accepted!? Again!? there must be a mistake! This isn't fair!

Sierra bunched up all the discarded letters into a massive ball of crumpled papyrus and pulled back, ready to hardball them through her own mailbox. She stopped herself before she could strike. A tiny Krabby in the back of her mind reminded her that wrecking the mailbox would cost money. Money she definitely didn’t have. With a frustrated groan Sierra instead tossed the crumpled wad of papers into the pond next to her house. She figured she could fish them out and dispose of them later.

Sierra stormed back into her house, slamming the door behind her. It wasn’t fair, she thought, it simply wasn’t fair. Why was it so hard to get one stupid tactician on her team!? Other teams could do it, why couldn’t she!?

The force of the door slamming made the multiple picture frames on the wall to rattle. They maintained their purchase on the wall in spite of the Chikorita's fury. Sierra stomped across the soft, green carpeted floor toward an oaken table surrounded by cushioned log stools. The light of the warm summer day filtered off the expensive finish of the overpriced furniture. For a moment Sierra thought about dragging herself upstairs to her own room but decided she was simply too mentally exhausted to drag herself up the wooden stairs.

Instead Sierra sat down at her table, roughly squashing one of her pillows underneath her. She glared at the assortment of notices scattered on top of the table. Bills, they were piling up and her finances were quickly dwindling. The initial investment from her father into this place was quickly drying up and she was not eager to receive the jeers and taunts from her thirteen siblings if she had to go back and either admit defeat or beg for more cash.

The Chikorita’s head fell hard on the wood of the table, scattering a couple papers. She groaned, imagining the faces of her siblings as she returned from her exodus into independent life in defeat. She mentally recoiled from the conjured images of their laughter, their sneers, but most painfully of all, their pity.

Sierra slammed her vines on the table and rose up with a new furious determination. No! I will not return in defeat! I'll make this work! I can last another month, I'll just need to tighten my belt a bit. Yeah, maybe I could even scrounge some stuff from the Mystery Dungeons…

Sierra’s mood soured at that last thought. The Mystery Dungeons, she did not relish going back into those poisonous mist filled hellholes. She stared at the now scattered assortment of bills and receipts piled around her and sighed. One way or another something had to change. She either needed her third member so she could get the better paying jobs or she needed a really big break. Hopefully I can get both! She thought to herself.

Sierra rose from the table, and dusted herself off. Either way, she was gonna need to grab some work. With a heavy sigh she left the comfort of her sanctuary and began the trek towards the town of Slumberly.

<><><><><><><><><>

Sierra’s abode sat just outside the edge of town, overlooking a pond. It was a nice spot, if a bit on the pricey side, but at the time she got it her head was full of ambition and hot air. She gazed out at the scenic view of the pond that separated her home from the rest of town and sighed.

Fat lot of good this view does me, Sierra thought to herself. Curse you past Sierra, couldn’t you have picked a cheaper spot?

Shaking the nerves from her head Sierra began the walk back to town. Step by step her feet trod the familiar earthen trail leading back towards the town. The warm summer breeze blew across her as she walked, carrying the familiar scents of the countryside ocean. Lost in her thoughts it seemed like no time at all before she was approaching the gate to Slumberly.

Slumberly, it wasn’t exactly her hometown but it was close enough in a sense. A massive apple tree stood at the town’s center that was visible for miles out. It was an anomaly for sure, Sierra mused in silence, normal apple trees definitely didn’t get this big. It was, perhaps unsurprisingly, the town’s pride and joy. It served as a marker for people traveling from the coast to the capital. There were always a couple of tourists or travelers gathered around the tree or at the popular tourist traps. But the location Sierra wanted to get to in town was the Rescue Explorer’s Guild Hall.

Sierra spied the two gate guards. A sleepy Buizel, who was currently using his spear as a support for his snoozing, and a bored Ludicolo, whose nose was buried in a book, were posted up by the thick but modest wooden gate to town.

"Morning, Barry!" Sierra forced out as she waved to the snoozing Buizel with a vine. "Morning, Larry" she added as she nodded to the Ludicolo.

Sierra had very quickly run out of jokes about how their names rhymed within the first week of knowing them. They were not unpleasant people, just a bit… unmotivated.

Barry was asleep as he usually was at this time of day. Despite being the younger of the duo he was by far the more lethargic. Larry looked up from his papers just long enough to notice Sierra standing there and waiting for them to open the gate for her. He nudged Barry with his elbow, causing the sleepy Buizel to jolt and sputter from his reverie. He looked around in a panic stricken state before noticing Sierra and calming substantially.

“Mornin’ Sierra! How are we doing today?” Barry asked in his normally cheerful demeanor.

Sierra was exhausted and not at all in the mood for pleasantries, but she didn’t want to come across as too rude.

“Fine,” she muttered sarcastically, mustering as much politeness as her sour mood afforded her, “I’m doing just peachy!”

Barry either did not notice Sierra’s sarcasm or consciously chose to ignore it.

“Well that’s good to hear, I’ll go on ahead and open the gate for you!” The Buizel said with a salute.

Barry knocked on the wooden gate with the butt of his spear twice, alerting the people on the other side. A moment later, the large wooden doors began to swing open, allowing Sierra entry. Sierra merely nodded towards the Buizel as she entered the town proper, allowing the two gate guards to resume their ever important task of lazing about.

The Town of Slumberly was actually quite lively despite its name. The majority of people here in town were either gathered in the market or walking to and from the post office. Sierra’s goal, however, was the real hub of activity here: the Slumberly branch of the Pokemon Ranger Organization, a large guild hall set on a hill north of the Great Apple Tree. Standing at three stories tall it was by far the largest Pokemon made building in the town. Not even the mayor’s offices were as tall as the guild hall. This grandiose height made it easy to spot for newcomers and locals alike.

Making her way over to the building Sierra’s thoughts were still troubled by her financial situation. She could probably squeeze out another month’s rent if she cut out a lot of excess expenses, she thought to herself. But the definition of “excess” was already becoming unreasonably broad. In fact just recently she had to start categorizing a regular laundry schedule as an “excess” and started wearing the same scarf and using the same towel far longer than was comfortable. She needed to find a third teammate and soon so she could start taking the higher ranked, and subsequently higher paying, jobs. But for now she just needed to find her current second teammate, Gwurm.

Sierra approached the guild hall and began scanning the congregated Pokemon through the window for her muscle. After a couple of sweeps she failed to spy her Goomy friend anywhere. With an annoyed huff she decided to start asking around if anyone had seen him. Surely the receptionist had at least an idea of where he currently was.

Entering the mess hall Sierra was immediately buffeted by the scents and sounds of adventures in progress and in waiting that always permeated this place. There were multiple teams sitting at large tables set off to the sides of the main room that were either returning from or preparing to embark on the myriad of jobs that Pokemon Rangers could undertake. Most of them had large plates of food and mugs of various alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. The overwhelming scent of hearty cooking and hot meals made Sierra’s mouth water and her stomach growl. She pushed these feelings down as she trotted over to the receptionist’s desk to make her inquiries.

Sierra used her vines to hoist herself up onto one of the stools reserved for smaller mons and set her forelimbs on the desk so she could ring the service bell with one of her vines.

“Just a minute!” Came the familiar voice of the receptionist somewhere from the back.

A Zorua poked her head out to see what the noise was, upon spying Sierra the Zorua rolled their eyes and returned to the back rooms to fetch some things. Sierra recalled the receptionist's name was Kaylee, a Zorua with a mischievous streak. She was the local town trickster and constantly fluttered from job to job because she kept getting fired for her pranks. Sierra had made a bet some time ago with Sally, a fellow ranger, that Kaylee would only last a week on this job before moving on to the next. That bet was 5 days ago, two more and she’d owe Sally 50 poke.

Kaylee eventually returned from the backrooms of the hall carrying a large stack of papers, most of which were job listings from the locals and some of the towns further out. She acknowledged Sierra with a nod before beginning to pin the papers to the Evening Quest Board, which meant that in the next hour or so there would be a fresh set of jobs available for any ranger team to take. Sierra made a point to try to come in early today because the job listings were first come first serve and the guild hall was always packed around this time with like-minded teams leaders looking for the best jobs.

“So what brings you here all by your lonesome? Did Gwurm get tired of you already?” Kaylee asked without even looking at Sierra, instead deciding to focus on pinning the notes.

“Oh yes, he decided to run off into the sunset with an attractive Zorua” Sierra snarked, “For your information I’m actually looking for Gwurm now so we can go on another job. You see him around here? He’s not usually this late.”

While she spoke Sierra tried to sneak a peek at some of the evening job postings. Her eyes focused mainly on the reward amounts, looking for the most profitable jobs. Although, Sierra was also painfully aware that she wouldn’t be able to take the real big ones given her Team’s “incompleteness”. Still, it gave her a goal to strive towards and she liked to imagine herself one day raking in the big bucks in the big leagues.

“Really? You don’t know? The latest editions of ‘Ember and Uxie’ just got delivered to the bookstore.” Kaylee said with a playful smile and slightly turning to at least half look towards Sierra.

“What does that have to do with any--ooooh…” Sierra trailed off.

That was right, Those books were Gwurm’s latest hyperfixation. The adventure novels of Ember and Uxie. Gwurm had been fascinated by them ever since he got his hands(?) on the first issue some six odd months ago. Since then he’d been watching the post office like a Pidgeott for the bookstore’s stock delivery and today was mail day!

“Shi-Shoot!” Sierra fought back a curse word. The entire team needed to be present for a mission acceptance, Kaylee wouldn't be allowed to stamp any job listing she snags as 'taken' without him.

“That boy… Alright, thanks for the info!” Sierra bounded off the chair and towards the exit.

“You really should keep better track of your team, Sierra. It’s unbecoming of a leader to lose them so easily!” Kaylee said before Sierra could get too far for her to hear.

“I’ll be sure to jot down your criticisms in my journal.” Sierra snapped back dismissively. She had grown used to the constant criticisms of others. But she hadn’t failed a job yet and she was not about to start.

“Keep those job postings hot, I’ll be back!” Sierra shouted before she let the doors of the Guild Hall close behind her.

Sprinting towards the bookstore Sierra was determined to grab Gwurm and return to the board before all the good paying jobs were snapped up. Or at least the ones she could take. Low rank jobs tended to disappear alarmingly quickly thanks to Slumberly’s location as a popular pit stop for fledgling ranger teams heading to the capital. Plenty of up and coming Pokemon Ranger Organization teams liked to stop by here for their initial debut. Sierra bolted down the town roads and past market stalls, she was not going to lose another payday just because Gwurm couldn’t be bothered to show up on time!

Sierra skidded around a corner and almost toppled a Heliolisk, she continued galloping on as he tried to scold Sierra. Just up ahead, Sierra spotted the bookstore she was looking for. There was a much smaller gathering in front of the store compared to the Guild Hall, heck even compared to the other stores on this street. Sierra pressed her face to the store window and scanned the interior frantically until she spied the Goomy she was looking for buried in a book inside the store.

“Gwurm!” Sierra shouted while pounding the window of the bookstore to get his attention.

It was no use, Gwurm was completely invested and could not hear Sierra’s calls. Sierra let out a frustrated groan and begrudgingly stepped inside the bookstore to physically get Gwurm’s attention.

Approaching Gwurm, Sierra loudly cleared her throat once she was right next to him. But the only response she got was the quiet whispers of Gwurm trying to sound out each word he was reading. The poor boy was struggling with ‘Omanyte’ and had to constantly go back to the start of the word. As much as Sierra would have loved to encourage the lad’s higher learning, she had places to be, jobs to snatch, and the clock was not on their side so she couldn’t waste time. Sierra stormed in front of Gwurm and used her vines to yank the book down so he had to look at her.

“Gwurm! We’re almost late for the Job Board refresh! Get your a- your butt in gear!” Sierra almost shouted.

Despite her best efforts to restrain her voice in a place of reading a couple of agitated “shushes” rang out in response to her outburst. Sierra dismissed these almost instinctively.

Gwurm, still half in the land of fiction, did not fully process what Sierra had just said. His gaze was vacant as the gears in his head began to register Sierra's presence. After a couple of awkward moments Gwurm realized his best friend was here and a big smile curled on his face.

“Oh hi Sierra!” Gwurm cheerfully greeted his team leader, “Have you come for the newest releases as well? I’m certain you’ll like this edition of Ember and Uxie! This one’s about their attempts to overthrow a military tyranny with the help of a nudist and his Cindera--”

“Nahnahnah I do not care! Gwurm! We are almost late for the Job Board refresh!” Sierra reiterated with much more annoyance this time.

She really did not have time to spare for Gwurm’s recaps. Roughly grabbing her friend with her vines she lifted the gooey purple dragon pokemon above her head and sprinted out of the bookstore. If she was quick enough she could probably still make it in time!

Running as fast as her little Chikorita legs would carry her, Sierra dashed through the serene streets of Slumberly. Her panic and impatience were a stark contrast to the normally laid back atmosphere of the town. Sierra slid around the same corner she almost crashed into a Heliolisk at and left skid marks in the dirt pathway. She scrambled back into a galloping gait as she raced towards the Guild Hall. The hall came into view just as the town bell rang out, signifying the arrival of noon, and the official job board refresh.

Sierra pushed her body past its limit, her muscles screamed and tears began to form in her eyes as she barreled towards the doors of the Guild Hall. With a crash she burst into the Guild Hall right into a crowd of Rescue Explorer teams that were leaving it. Sierra briefly noted that each one had a paper in their hands, the job listings no doubts.

Sierra tried not to let her doubts overtake her thoughts as she muscled through the crowd. She pushed past a flood of scales and feathers while keeping her gooey teammate above the wave of Pokemon. She bumped and forced herself through the deluge until she was at the other side of the mass of Pokemon. Sierra stood in a much emptier Guild Hall and tried not to curse out loud as she dragged Gwurm and herself towards the spirit crushingly empty job board. Only a few scraps remained on it.

“Ooooh, better luck next time, Sierra!” Kaylee’s voice called out from the reception desk.

“Shut up!” Sierra snapped back.

She set Gwurm down and began looking at all the job listings remaining. There had to be something, anything! The longer Sierra scanned the board the clearer it became to her, all the possible jobs for her to take had been snapped up. The only jobs left were well above her team’s rank to even accept. Defeated, Sierra slumped into one of the chairs.

“Arceus! Damnit!” Sierra cursed as her head flopped onto the table in front of her, “We were so close!”

“Aww geez, I’m sorry, Sierra…” Gwurm said as he hesitantly scooted towards her. “There’s always next time.”

This did not comfort Sierra, official job listings took ages to come through. They wouldn't be getting any new job listings until the next mail day. Not unless someone local had a--

“Hello? Am I too late?” A lone Butterfree entered the guild hall nervously.

“Sorry ma’am, most of the jobs have already been taken.” Kaylee said in a bored monotone.

“O-oh, I’m not here to take a job, I’m here to post one.” The Butterfree fluttered towards the desk nervously.

Sierra’s head immediately perked up, there was hope after all! “Well why didn’t you say so earlier lady, you’re right on time! Team Cheri Colas will help you out with whatever it is!” Sierra leapt from the table and quickly closed the gap towards the Butterfree.

“Sierra, you know that’s not how this works.” Kaylee said rather annoyedly. “There’s paperwork, proper filing, threat assessment, a job posting can take a couple-”

“Shut up, I’m calling in that favor.” Sierra glared at the Zorua “Surely you can handle the paperwork to make this all run smoothly, ye?”

“You’re really gonna?..” The Zorua’s expression shifted from one of surprise to one of flippant disregard, “You know what? Fine! if this is really what you’re gonna waste that favor on then that's fine by me. I hope you have a wonderful time on the job.”

Kaylee scurried into the back of the shop to forge the necessary documents while Sierra got to work reeling in her new client. Sierra put a vine over the Butterfree’s shoulder and asked “So what’s this job you’ve got?”

“Probably should have asked that before you accepted the job Sierra. What if it’s outside our rank?” Gwurm said, raising his concerns to his leader.

“Kaylee can handle that too.” Sierra said as she tried to wave Gwurm off with her other vine dismissively, “So what can we do for you? What's the job?”

The Butterfree suppressed a sniffle before she spoke, “I-It’s my son. He’s run off and I need someone to rescue him.”

“A child rescue? No problem! we can handle it no sweat! Do you know where he ran off to?” Sierra asked with rising excitement.

“The Darkwoods Mystery Dungeon…” The Butterfree said solemnly.

The mood in the hall turned dour at the revelation. Sierra’s optimism was immediately replaced with disbelief. She mentally kicked herself for accepting this job in advance so eagerly. She couldn’t back out now though, not after she just got done advertising her team so hard, her pride couldn't take a hit like that.

“You're sure?” Sierra asked, hoping in vain to change reality with her inquisition.

The Butterfree simply nodded.

Sierra took a deep breath before quietly exclaiming “Fuuuuuuuuu-”
 
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SparklingEspeon

Back on Her Bullshit
Staff
Location
a Terrace of Indeterminate Location in Snowbelle
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
  3. zoroark
Hello, here for review tag!

This was a pretty fun first chapter :P I like the tone you establish from the beginning, with Sierra being in basically way over her head and totally unaware of that fact. You characterise her really well, which is points off the bat - strong characters and a quick start, which you also have, are pretty good indicators that a story knows where it's going. I think overall you have a really strong beginning. By the end of this I was well-acquainted with Sierra, Gwurm (lol, amazing name), and Kaylee, who I'm guessing is probably going to end up being that third member eventually, due to her inability to hold down a job anywhere, and you did an expert job of giving Sierra a problem, a solution to that problem, and then another problem in just 3k words.

I also really liked the worldbuilding you've got going on. In general I think you did a great job of painting the broad strokes of this story - we see so little of Slumberly, but the little tics and quirks you throw all around really help establish it as a place that feels alive. It also works for Sierra's characterisation - she's not just someone who fell on hard times, or maybe overspent a little; she did this to get out of the house and away from her 13 siblings (legit, terrifying), had an initial investment she squandered, and chose expensive lakefront property that likely both made a dent in her funds and her job harder, she is terrible and unprepared for this and completely unaware of that fact. And she roped Gwurm into this, who's probably just a kid!! >:(

It didn't escape me that you used the pastiche of the initial rescue team mission for the mission that Sierra eventually foolishly latches on to... I wonder how it's going to differ here, or if the choice was in fact deliberate. Is this maybe a sleeper rescue team adaptation, or does it borrow themes from that game? :eyes:

Something to watch out for in the future is the use of commas. I noticed that you tended to have a lot of sentences where there should have been commas but weren't, or where commas were used where there should have been a semicolon. It's probably worth keeping an eye on places where it would make sense to pause, as it can affect the flow of your writing a lot.

Overall, fun beginning! You accomplished a lot in this chapter, including setting up really strong characters and a vibe that makes me want to read more. I'll be back when there are more chapters to see where this goes, and happy writing!

~SparklingEspeon
 
Hunger of Wishes: Chapter 2

CluelessJoker

Youngster
Pronouns
He/Him
Chapter 2: I Wish for Wealth

“-Uh, hm…” the long, drawn-out hums of Gwurm’s indecision resonated throughout the general store. Sierra stood idly near the door, tapping her feet and swaying her vines. She was eager to gather the necessary equipment and resources for dungeon diving. And yet here she stood behind Gwurm who was once again paralyzed by indecision.

“Umm… Two blast seeds and three oran berries… and uhh…”
Sierra’s head flopped into her vines as Gwurm continued to ponder. She stifled a groan as her Goomy companion’s wandering thoughts continued to fabricate a million scenarios they would probably never encounter.

Thankfully this was something Sierra had experience with. She always prepared a paper list of items she thought she’d need and handed it to the store clerk before Gwurm. The owner of the general store was a Kangaskhan whom Sierra and a couple of the locals of Slumberly took to calling “Mama Khan” due to her, well, motherly qualities. She stared at Gwurm with a soft smile of near infinite patience. She harbored no annoyance and no judgment in her face.

Sierra’s gaze wandered to the back of the store past the counter. The Kangaskhan’s three children were busy ransacking the inventory and making a mess of the stock as they haphazardly grabbed anything that remotely resembled the items on Sierra’s list. No doubt those three rapscallions were responsible for the matronly Kangaskhan’s infinite tolerance.

Gwurm continued to make ponderous noises only occasionally mixed with mumbled requests. Until finally, he muttered the phrase that would set Sierra free. “Okay, that’ll be all for me.”

Sierra sighed in relief, finally things could get-

“How are you on wands, dearie?” The elderly Kangaskhan asked Gwurm.

“No, dont!” Sierra began to plead. But it was too late.

“Uuuuuuuuuuh-” was the sound that heralded the return of Gwurm’s indecisiveness

Sierra’s eyes twitched as the prospect of being trapped here for another hour and a half began to manifest before her. Thankfully, the younger Kangaskhan… Khanlings?.. MiniKhans? What did you call the smaller Kangaskhan? Sierra pondered the thought as the pale, purple, reptilian pokemon exited the back of the store carrying her now-filled saddlebags. When the children of Mama Khan eventually brought Sierra her saddlebags she reached out with her vines to relieve them of the burden.

Sierra nodded to the children as she took the saddlebags and began to affix them to herself. Once equipped Sierra gave the belts a couple of experimental tugs to make sure they were fastened and made to leave the store so she could wait for Gwurm to finish outside. Before she left, however, Mama khan stopped her.

“Oh, Sierra, I have something for you before you head out.” Mama Khan produced a small paper bag. It bulged with the contents within, the curled top barely maintaining its shape from the girth of it all.

“What’s this? Stuff that couldn’t fit?” Sierra asked.

“Oh no, it’s something from me. I’ve just noticed that you’re losing some weight and i-”

“I don’t need your charity.”

“Well then consider it an investment, I expect great things from Team Cheri Colas.”

Sierra scowled at the proffered pity, but could not find it in her to refuse the kind shopkeeper. With reluctance she took the paper bag and muttered a swift thanks under her breath. She left the store so Gwurm could finish his preparations without her. She trusted him to at least do that much. The soft chime of the bell and the farewell of the Kangaskhan trailed behind her as she made her way to a couple of tables nearby.

She sat herself on the soft cushioned stool of a nearby park table. The shade of the massive apple tree in the center of the town reached even here. The sunlight only occasionally pierced the thick green canopy of the freakishly large plant. Sierra gazed up at it and her eyes wandered to the intermittent spots of red that were Slumberly’s main export, Apples.

With a brief huff, Sierra opened the bag that Mama Khan had given her. She turned it over and the contents spilled on the table. There were two peanut butter and rawst jelly sandwiches, a stack of homemade crackers, a small bag of fruit puree snacks, some chocolates and a perfect apple. Sierra’s mouth watered at the sight of the bounty.

She frowned and shut her eyes. This was pity, a declaration that they didn’t think she could take care of herself. It was the same all across town, none of them thought she could keep this up, they were all just counting down the days until she was out of their hair. She would show them, she would show them all! He didn’t need this charity, she just needed a chance, a chance to prove herself, a chance to make something big of herself.

Sierra nodded with conviction, she didn’t need this, she’d toss it aside and prove she could do this on her own. When she opened her eyes, however, the sandwich was gone. The sweet and savory aftertaste of peanut butter and the deliciously sugary rawst jelly danced on her tongue and crumbs stuck to her cheeks.

Arceus.

Damnit.

Sierra sighed in defeat, it seems her hunger had consumed her pride for sustenance first. Angrily she began to work her way through the rest of the delicious spread. Starting with the perfect apple. The juicy and sweet flavor of the pride and joy of Slumberly filled her mouth as the excess dribbled down her chin. She was angry though, too angry to really enjoy the generous gift of sweetness the apple delivered to her. Her thoughts turned to her predicament as she mindlessly chewed.

She wasn’t in a good spot. The Rescue job paid well, sure, but anything involving the dungeons was specifically a three mon or more job. Even with Kaylee forging the paperwork she’d still need to turn the bounty in to the Guild Payout Offices. With only two members they definitely wouldn’t give her the full amount, if at all.

She could maybe convince Kaylee to stand in as their third, but she had already called in the favor she owed. She’d definitely request a cut. And even if it all went smoothly, the poke she’d get for the job wouldn’t be enough to dig her out of the hole she found herself in. She’d still need another score or odd job.

Maybe she could cut out the middleman and get the payment from the Butterfree directly? No, that wouldn’t work. The Butterfree had most likely already left the fee with the Guild Offices, it was the safest thing to do after all. And besides, there was already a lot of red tape cutting here, she shouldn’t risk more.

Maybe Gwurm could give his share of the job? Sierra shook the thought out of her head. No. She wouldn’t put Gwurm in that position, she could figure this out herself. It was the leader’s job to provide for her team, not the other way around.

Sierra racked her brain for possible solutions until the unmistakable sound of a stool scraping across the ground roused her from her thoughts. Her eyes opened to the sight of a tall, lanky, cloth covered mon pulling out the chair across from her. The mon was hard to identify species wise, he was bipedal but his limbs were incredibly thin, his massive head was covered in cloth with two holes cut out for the eyes. Fluffy cotton decorated the ends of his garments and the tip of his hat. It was summer, why was he dressed so warmly?

Halfway through her investigation of the mon a thought occurred to Sierra. She didn’t care what this mon was. What did matter was that it had interrupted her self loathing and pondering.

“Can I help you?” Sierra snapped at the new arrival.

The mon either didn’t hear her or didn’t care, it moved the seat out fully and sat across from Sierra. It noisily scooted the stool towards the table with a couple of jerking motions. Once at the table proper the mon rested its elbows on the table and leaned forward.

“You know, normally we start with introductions before we cut to business.” The strange mon stated with an infuriating affability. “My name’s Krevits, and you must be Sierra, right?”

Sierra glared at Krevits. She wasn’t going to dignify that with a response. She hated it when people danced around issues and already this guy was off to a bad first impression.

“I’ll ask again, can I help you?” Sierra said with far less patience this time.

“So impatient, surely you can spare some time for small talk? I mean, it’s not like you’re heading anywhere anytime soon.” Krevits gestured to the general store. Sierra could still see Gwurm in his ‘uhh’ pose. He was going to be shopping for some time still.

Sierra returned her gaze to Krevits and continued to silently glare at him. If he wanted a conversation he was going to have to put in most of the effort because Sierra was, frankly, not interested. Krevits shifted in his seat into an upright position.

“Lovely weather today, summer, not a cloud in the sky, perfect weather for splashing in the lake.” Krevits met Sierra’s glare with a smile. Well, a smile as best as the mon could muster with his entire face covered in cloth. “So, you wanna tell me why you’re heading to a mystery dungeon on such a fine day?”

There it was, the hook. He had either a request or a threat. Sierra had seen this plenty of times before. She continued to glare at him with an unamused expression, she was going to sit here until he got to the point.

“Geez, they weren’t lying when they said you weren’t friendly with strangers.” Krevits scratched the back of his head somewhat awkwardly. “Fine, you win. I’ll cut to the chase.”

Krevitz leaned forward and clasped his hands together, resting his elbows on the table. He pointed at her with both fingers. “I got a job for you.”

“I’m busy.” Sierra retorted brusquely.

“Hear me out,” Krevits pleaded, his hands parted to show their palms in a gesture to wait. “It’s on the way to where you’re going. You’re heading to the Darkwoods Mystery Dungeon, right?”

“I am.”

“Great! I need you to pick me up something from there.”
Sierra’s glare softened as a bit of intrigue took the place of her annoyance. “Any reason this job isn't posted on the bounty board?”

The cloth covered-mon shrugged. “Hehe, well, you see, I may have procrastinated too long today. The board has already gone through its rotations and I do need this request done asap.”

Sierra’s lips pursed before she spoke, “You know there’s a process for this. A job has to be notarized and-”

Krevits raised a hand. “Everything’s already squared away, I just forgot to post it is all. I’m going to officially post it tomorrow but I thought you’d like a crack at it first.”

Sierra thought for a moment. She wasn’t really in a position to be refusing jobs and she had a feeling this guy knew that. “So what’s the job?”

“I just need you to bring me the heart of a Condemned is all.”

Sierra burst out laughing, the tension giving way to incredulity. When she finished laughing she looked at Krevits whose stance had not shifted, “Oh, you’re not joking?”

Now it was Krevits’ turn to be silent.

Sierra cleared her throat, “You are aware what a Condemned is, right? Mean, possibly undead, previously people who knew what they were doing, those guys? This ain’t exactly a grocery trip you’re sending me on.” Sierra idly shoved some fruit snacks into her mouth. “I’m sorry but the answer is-”

Before Sierra could finish Krevits slammed the job posting on the table. As he withdrew his hand the amount of zeros caught Sierra’s attention. Her chewing stopped as she spied the unmistakable stamp of the MRG, the Major Resolutions Guild. This was a big contract.

“I’m not asking you to accept the job officially. But, if you happen to, say, stumble across the heart of a Condemned there’s good money for it.” Krevits scooted the scrap of paper towards Sierra slightly, “Give it some thought, is all I’m asking.”

Sierra opened her mouth to refuse. The words stopped in her throat as she once again spied the actual reward of the contract. This was too good to be true, and poke to pecha berries her instincts were right. But still…

“I make no promises.” Sierra said as she pocketed the scrap of paper. She sincerely hoped she would not come to regret this.

“That's all I ask. I’ll hold off on officially posting the job until you get back from your little excursion. I got a good feeling about you.” Krevits rose from the table and began to walk away.

“Wait!” Sierra shouted, stopping the mon in his tracks. “What’s a homeless looking stick figure like yourself doing with an MRG contract?”

Krevits turned towards Sierra sharply, “That’s a rude way to ask. I should refuse to answer on principle.”

“What, suddenly you don’t want to make small talk?”

“You were the one giving me the cold shoulder.”

“With good reason, you look like a creep.”

“I do not.”

“Only creeps wear fur in summer.”

“Fur collars are timeless.”

“More like out of time.”

“You rotten little pear! I am ‘dripping out’ like you kids say.”

“Okay now I know you’re a creep.”

Krevits chuckled at Sierra’s last barb. “I work with the MRG, a subcontractor.”

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” Sierra flicked her leaf in smug victory.

“I’ll see you around, Sierra.” Krevits said as he strutted away with a dismissive wave.

Sierra cheekily waved a vine his way before her demeanor soured once more. The heart of a Condemned was a big ask. She pulled the contract from her bags and reread the reward once more. That kind of money, even split amongst three people, could get her rent situation sorted.

The chime of a bell from the general store tore Sierra from her thoughts. She hastily shoved the paper in her saddlebags and began shoveling the rest of the uneaten food into her face hole. Gwurm scooted up towards her. His massive backpack towered above both of them by about three times their height.

“Geez, Gwurm, you leave anything in the store for anyone else?” Sierra joked as she gazed at the massive bag the comparatively much smaller Goomy carried.

“Huh? Of course, I didn’t have enough money to buy everything in the store. Plus it’d just be rude to leave nothing for anyone else.” Gwurm said, obviously missing the joke.

“Well I was-” Sierra stopped herself and instead smiled at Gwurm, “Nevermind, you’re very thoughtful of others, Gwurm.”

Gwurm beamed with pride at Sierra’s praise before the two of them began to make their way to the other necessary stops for the rest of their Mystery Dungeon exploring gear. They’d need to be prepared for anything that the Darkwoods could throw at them. And unbeknownst to them, the Darkwoods would indeed test their mettle.

Special thanks to Barklava at United for helping with proofreading
 
Last edited:

Ambyssin

Gotta go back. Back to the past.
Location
Residency hell
Pronouns
he/him
Partners
  1. silvally-dragon
  2. necrozma-ultra
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. dreepy
  6. mewtwo-ambyssin
It's a good start so far. One that pretty firmly establishes Sierra's hotheadedness, impulsiveness, and somewhat jerkass attitude and hammers in some of the potential consequences of that. And from what we see of Gwurm in the intro, he's a silly little guy. And overall it's interesting to start with an "established" team that's on hard times. Some of that I'm willing to bet is a result of Sierra's behavior. It makes me wonder how long it'll take her to have a moment of realization and start to turn her behavior around. Though judging by her rush to accept a job, it doesn't seem like that'll happen immediately. Is this all a metaphor for the current gig economy hellscape we have IRL? The job itself is... well, basically the exact same one Rescue Team starts with. So part of grabbing readers' attention will come down to what you do to make that different from Rescue Team. There are already hints of that with how much Sierra dreads the thought of going to the mystery dungeon, so that's good.

I am, however, going to have to disagree with Espy a bit on the worldbuilding side of things. The factoids being set up are good, don't get me wrong. My problem is that a lot of it is just... exposited to me. That and I caught a number of mechanical issues I feel the need to point out...

A lone Chikorita burst from her humble home into the warm summer air of her hometown.
While this is a colorful sentence to start of the prose of this fic... it also leaves a lot to the reader's imagination. There's no description of the house or any surroundings aside from the mailbox and pond. I'm basically imagining the player's house in Rescue Team, but you ought not to leave it entirely up to imagination. Especially right at the start. You don't have to describe the house right away but it should come up somewhere.
Slumberly
On a scale of one to Asgore, this is about a Buffy on the Naming Things-O-Meter.
a full fledged rescue explorer team
I must confess, I do not like this. In the games we have "rescue teams" and "exploration teams." Mashing them both together like this makes it sound ridiculous IMO. Like these teams specifically go out and rescue explorers. I'd recommend picking one or the other.
She already had herself, the leader, Gwurm, the muscle, all she needed was a tactician to finally start taking on the real jobs at the guild and not just the scraps.
Like I mentioned above, I'd have rather had Gwurm's status as the "muscle" shown organically.
I must decline your-
So this comes up a lot in the chapter. Hyphens aren't meant for use when you're cutting off a sentence. What you want is the Em dash (—). I don't know what kind of keyboard you have, but Google Docs and Word and the like should have the ability to make a setting that will create Em dashes if you do double hypens (-- becomes —).

No no no! This can’t be right! One of these has to be a winner, They can’t all be rejection letters!
Impossible there must be a mistake! This isn't fair!
You slip into present tense here. If these are meant to be Sierra's thoughts as dialogue, you ought to italicize them or something to distinguish them from the proper prose. Otherwise, they should follow past tense:
No, no, no! This couldn't be right! One of these had to be a winner. They couldn't all be rejection letters!
Impossible! There must have been a mistake! This wasn't fair!

She hesitated though, a tiny Krabby in the back of her mind reminded her that this outburst would cost money.
There were also a handful of comma splices like this one. This is better as two sentences separated at the comma.
instead tossed the crumpled wad of papers into the pond next to her house
LITTERER! PUNT THE LITTERING BEAN! :screm:
The Mystery Dungeons, she did not relish going back into those poisonous mist filled hellholes.
This one confused me. Why is she the leader of a rescue team if she hates mystery dungeons? 🤔
Fat lot of good this view does me, Sierra thought to herself. Curse you past Sierra, couldn’t you have picked a cheaper spot?
Similar to above, I would have either italicized the first half of the first sentence and the second sentence or rephrase these to sound like prose instead.
It was an anomaly for sure, Sierra mused in silence, normal apple trees definitely didn’t get this big.
I also think "Sierra mused in silence" was unnecessary. "It was an anomaly for sure. Normal apple trees definitely didn't get this big." gets the point across.
The Floatzel was named Barry and the Ludicolo was named Larry.
Again, mostly a nitpick, but you should try to organically introduce characters' names. Otherwise it comes off like exposition.
the mayor’s offices
The mayor gets multiple offices? Or is this a typo. :P
, she thought to herself
Another instance of a dialogue tag for something that's essentially not dialogue.
he got his hands(?)
I feel like this is trying to be cute in a "ha ha funny" sort of way, but it doesn't do it for me. Sierra knows Gwurm's a goomy and so she should know what his body composition's like. And it's just awkward have the "(?)" in the middle like that.
some 6 odd months ago
Generally for prose, you spell out numbers that are ten or less. So, this'd be a "six."
Get your a- your butt in gear!
"But I'm a goomy! I don't have one of those!"
Team Cheri Colas
I think I'm beginning to see why people aren't interested in this team. :V
Generally speaking, you don't combine a question mark with ellipses. It's one or the other.
Fine, if this is really what you’re gonna waste that favor on then fine.
Starting and ending sentences with the same word like this make them read awkwardly. I'd delete the first "fine" or change the end of the sentence.

Overall, a solid start content-wise. A good beta would (hopefully) be able to catch these mechanical things and make the chapters even better.
 

Namohysip

Dragon Enthusiast
Staff
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. charizard
  3. milotic
  4. zoroark-soda
  5. sceptile
  6. marowak
  7. jirachi
  8. meganium
Hey Joker! This'll be a review of the first chapter. I get the feeling I'll be reading a lot of this if you plan to use any characters from here for that thing I'll be running later in the year... But for now, just some feedback.

First impressions are key: the summary is a little wordy and a few sentences are longer and have words that they don't necessarily need. You can afford to cut it down a little.

Sending out letters for a tactician is interesting. I wonder what the logistics of that would be like... Are there just unemployed tacticians to be recruited all around the place? How does she know about them? And other questions I'm not totally sure about from any implied world building.

I also find it funny how there's a leader and a tactician for such a small group. I wonder what the difference in duty is...

There are definitely a few instances of redundant prose that I'm seeing. Here's a specific example:

"Despite being the younger of the duo he was by far the more lethargic of the two."

So, in this case, I would say that you'd want to get rid of "of the two" or "of the duo." Having both is needlessly repetitive.

Another bit, you neglect to use commas for your introductory clauses. For example, "Entering the hall Sierra was immediately buffeted by the scents and sounds of adventure"

In this case, you'd have a comma after "Entering the hall," kind of like a hand gesturing toward the rest of the sentence.

Nice first chapter! We don't quite get to any sort of plot or intrigue promised by the summary, but we do get an introductory mission and a few hints about the world. The main one was how Mystery Dungeons operated, and it looks like we will be going straight into that next chapter.

I think the strongest point of the first chapter would be the characterization of Sierra, followed shortly by Gwurm. Very motivated but also unguided, she's aiming for the stars without a ship. That's my main impression of her, at least.
 

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. quilava-fobbie
  6. sneasel-kate
  7. heliolisk-fobbie
Hey, sorry to keep you waiting on this V-Wheel review. The past week was just an exercise in epic failure on my part for time management.

Whelp, better late than never, so let’s see what all the hubbub is about for this story of our slightly-broke Rescue Team:

Chapter 1

Today was the day!

A lone Chikorita burst from her humble home into the warm summer air of her hometown. Today was the day she’d finally get her responses. The Chikorita bounded towards her mailbox in barely contained excitement. The mail had finally come to Slumberly, and more importantly, so had the response letters she had sent out.

I’m not really sure if I’m feeling the repetition for “Today was the day” in this opening, but I suppose I can see the argument for if we’re meant to play up the sense of excitement for this Chikorita. I did see a spot where I felt the phrasing could’ve been tweaked a bit, so if you see bold or struck-through text in quotes like this later on, that’s what’s going on.

Vines extended from The Chikorita extended vines towards the modestly stuffed mailbox, trembling with excitement. She had spent the better part of a month sending out letters requesting a new teammate. Her team was only one pokemon shy of being a full fledged rescue explorer team. She had put in requests all over the continent of Gaiashur for her new tactician. She already had herself, the leader, Gwurm, the muscle, all she needed was a tactician to finally start taking on the real jobs at the guild and not just the scraps.

Part of me wonders if you had a missed opportunity here to reveal Gwurm’s species, but eh. It’s early in the chapter still, I’ll reserve my judgement for a while.

With optimistic trepidation the Chikorita read the first letter aloud to herself.

Wait, when was she ever described taking anything out of the mailbox?

“Dear Sierra, I have received your request for a tactician and wish to send back my warmest regards.” Sierra bounced in place, this one sounded like a winner. “It is with my sincerest apologies that I must decline your--”

Ouch. I take it that she’s been getting quite a few of these lately, since I can see that abrupt trailing off.

The words hit Sierra like a brick, she let the word ‘decline’ hang in the air for a bit. Silently reading the rest, it was clear that this person would not be joining her team.

Wait, but wouldn’t Sierra know this the moment she saw ‘decline’ in the letter’s text? Especially if she’s been seeing messages like these for a decent while at this point? It’s a bit nitpicking, but it does strike me as a subtle disconnect for Sierra’s reaction and a potential way for hinting how long the present state of affairs has been going on.

No matter, she thought, there were plenty of other letters. After all, she made sure to take a shotgun approach this time. Rifling her vines through the stacks of letters she pulled out another one and began reading.

Wait, Sierra has a conception of a ‘shotgun’? Like I get that if you’re doing omniscient narration, that you have some liberty to diverge from whatever from whatever the characters in the setting might know, but there’s something to be said about having the narration reflect whatever would be known in a given setting, especially if it’s meant to be in the voice of a character that lives there.

“Hello Sierra, this is Malki from Thasis Oasis. I have looked into your rescue team at the behest of your letter and have found the results to be wanting for lack of a better-”

Wanting!? Sierra couldn’t believe it. Angrily, she tore the note in half, not bothering to read the rest of it. Well this wasn’t a major setback, there were plenty more. One of them had to be a winner, right?

Also dipping into nitpicky territory, but if you want to emphasize that some text lies outside of the normal flow of the story / narration, consider using some device like indentation ( [ INDENT ][ /INDENT ] minus spaces, around whatever text you want to indent) to visually make things stand out to your readers.

“Howdy Sierra, I got your letter and thought I’d send one back to ya. Sorry but my plate is full, but if your still--”

Sierra tossed the note aside. Next one!

“I’m sorry to inform you Sierra, that I must respectfully decline--”
“Dear Sierra, I cannot join your--"
“My answer is n--”
“Declined--”

Yeah, see above. Though IMO, it probably makes sense to retool the bit in underlined into something that’s more open to there being multiple letters like “Nevermind that, there were still a few left!” since it took me a moment to realize that Sierra was going through multiple letters in rapid succession.

Sierra began to read with furious abandon. Tearing through the contents of each note before tossing them into an ever growing pile next to the mailbox. No no no! This can’t be right! One of these has to be a winner! They can’t all be rejection letters!

Did you mean “continued to read with furious abandon”? Since I already got that vibe that she already was reading with furious abandon from how Sierra just went through 4 separate “lolno” letters in quick succession.

Narrator:
oreally.jpg

Sierra: “Quiet, you!”
749495558963724339.webp


Sierra’s gaze lingered on the last letter. With desperation she tore open the envelope and began to read. She didn’t need to read get through much though, inside the envelope was her recruit application form. A large red stamp with only the word ‘Denied” was emblazoned onto the parchment.

Sierra grit her teeth, her vines trembled, her vision dimmed. Not one!? Not one lousy applicant accepted!? Impossible! there must be a mistake! This isn't fair!

I feel like we might be missing some context behind what’s been going on here. Since at first my impression was that Sierra had been through a few cycles of rejection like this, while this paragraph seems to imply that this is new for her.

Sierra bunched up all the discarded letters into a massive ball of crumpled papyrus and pulled back, ready to hardball them through her own mailbox. She stopped herself before she could strike. A tiny Krabby in the back of her mind reminded her that this outburst wrecking the mailbox would cost money. Money she definitely didn’t have. With a frustrated groan, Sierra instead tossed the crumpled wad of papers into the pond next to her house. She figured she could fish them out and dispose of them later.

‘Papyrus’, huh? Can’t tell whether or not that was a deliberate worldbuilding thing or not, but if so, that has some really interesting implications for what the tech level and culture of this world is like, since that’s a very specific way of putting together paper to write on.

Sierra stormed back into her house, slamming the door behind her. It wasn’t fair, she thought, it simply wasn’t fair. Why was it so hard to get one stupid tactician on her team!? Other teams could do it, why couldn’t she!?

I just realized, but up until the last paragraph, was it ever mentioned what Sierra’s house was like? I don’t recall it, and it might have been a good opportunity to show off what’s “normal” for this world in terms of things like architecture or widely disseminated tech levels. Food for thought, anyways.

The force of the door slamming caused made the multiple picture frames on the wall to rattle. They maintained their purchase on the wall in spite of the Chikorita's fury. Sierra stomped across the soft, green carpeted floor toward an oaken table surrounded by cushioned log stools. The light of the warm summer day filtered off the expensive finish of the overpriced furniture. For a moment Sierra thought about dragging herself upstairs to her own room but decided she was simply too mentally exhausted to drag herself up the wooden stairs.

Instead Sierra sat down at her table, roughly squashing one of her pillows underneath her. She glared at the assortment of notices scattered on top of the table. Bills, they were piling up and her finances were quickly dwindling. The initial investment from her father into this place was quickly drying up and she was not eager to receive the jeers and taunts from her 13 siblings if she had to go back and either admit defeat or beg for more cash.

Huh, so Sierra has a big family. I wonder if we’ll ever get to see them onscreen at some point, since families in PMD fics have a weird tendency of getting glossed over for some reason, even if Sierra’s relationship with hers sounds like… uh… something. :copyka:

Though wait, what is ‘this place’ such that she’d be able to get money to put in as an investment? Is this meant to be a Rescue Team base? Since at first I thought that this was just a private residence of hers.

The Chikorita’s head fell hard on the wood of the table, scattering a couple papers. She groaned, imagining the faces of her siblings as she returned from her exodus into independent life in defeat. She mentally recoiled from the conjured images of their laughter, their sneers, but most painfully of all, their pity.

Sierra slammed her vines on the table and rose up with a new furious determination within her. No! I will not return in defeat! I'll make this work! I can last another month, I'll just need to tighten my belt a bit. Yeah, maybe I could even scrounge some stuff from the Mystery Dungeons…

de7.png


Though thus far, you’ve been doing a pretty good job at selling the sense of Sierra being down on her luck as described in the summary. A part of me wonders if it could’ve been hammered home a bit further by showing some things about her home (/ Rescue Team Base(?)) being a bit run-down or else having deferred maintenance in order to squeeze out a couple more Poké to make the mortgage payment.

Sierra’s mood soured at that last thought. The Mystery Dungeons, she did not relish going back into those poisonous mist-filled hellholes. [ ]

She gazed at the now scattered assortment of bills and receipts piled around her and sighed. One way or another something had to change. She either needed her third member so she could get the better paying jobs or she needed a really big break. Hopefully I can get both! She thought to herself.

IMO, Sierra’s “I really don’t want to do this” shtick with regard to Mystery Dungeons might make sense to be lingered on a bit to drive home the “why” of why she is not looking forward to dealing with them, especially as a prospective Rescue Team leader who’d likely have to go into them as a regular basis. It also is a handy way of frontloading some general mechanics for how they work in your setting such that you don’t have to spend as much time explaining them later.

Sierra rose from the table, and dusted herself off. Either way, she was gonna need to grab some work. With a heavy sigh she left the comfort of her sanctuary and began the trek towards the town of Slumberly.

<><><>

Sierra’s abode sat just outside the edge of town, overlooking a pond. It was a nice spot, if a bit on the pricey side, but at the time she got it her head was full of ambition and hot air. She gazed out at the scenic view of the pond that separated her home from the rest of town and sighed.


Fat lot of good this view does me, Sierra thought to herself. Curse you past Sierra, couldn’t you have picked a cheaper spot?

Maybe it’s just me, but the transition between the first and second paragraphs in this particular block feels abrupt enough that it might be worth considering dropping in a hard scene break between them.

Shaking the self loathing from her head Sierra began the walk back to town. Step by step, her feet trod the familiar earthen trail leading back towards the town. The warm summer breeze blew across her as she walked, carrying the familiar scents of the countryside ocean. Lost in her thoughts it seemed like no time at all before she was approaching the gate to Slumberly.

I didn’t really get this vibe earlier on from Sierra. It felt more like she was afraid of failure and others finding about it, but I didn’t get the vibe of self-blame and disappointment that one would expect from having “self-loathing”. Not sure if she was intended to have that or not.

Slumberly, it wasn’t exactly her hometown but it was close enough in a sense. A massive apple tree stood at the town’s center that was visible for miles out. It was an anomaly for sure, Sierra mused in silence, normal apple trees definitely didn’t get this big. It was, perhaps unsurprisingly, the town’s pride and joy. It served as a marker for people traveling from the coast to the capital. There were always a couple of tourists or travelers gathered around the tree or at the popular tourist traps. But the location Sierra wanted to get to in town was the Rescue Explorer’s Guild Hall.

But does it grow Perfect Apples and are we going to wind up getting into shenanigans with the local Guildmaster involving them? /s

Sierra spied the two gate guards. A sleepy Buizel and a bored Ludicolo were posted up by the thick, but modest wooden gate to town.

"Morning, Barry!" Sierra said as she waved to the snoozing Buizel with a vine. "Morning, Larry" she added as she nodded to the Ludicolo.

‘Barry and Larry’, huh? From that sort of naming, I take it that the two are close to each other.

Sierra had very quickly run out of jokes about how their names rhymed within the first week of knowing them. They were not unpleasant people, just a bit… unmotivated.

-Peeks up at story tags-

Oh yeah, that’s a good omen for what’s going to happen to them and Slumberly in general in the future. Not.

Barry was asleep as he usually was at this time of day. Despite being the younger of the duo, he was by far the more lethargic of the two. Larry looked up from his papers just long enough to notice Sierra standing there and waiting for them to open the gate for her. He nudged Barry with his elbow, causing the sleepy Buizel to jolt and sputter from his reverie. He looked around in a panic stricken state before noticing Sierra and calming substantially.

“Mornin’ Sierra! How are we doing today?” Barry asked in his normally cheerful demeanor.

Yeah, these two seem like the types who would sleep through the town getting raided and burned to the ground by Outlaws, just saying.

Sierra was exhausted and not at all in the mood for pleasantries, exhausted as she was, but didn’t want to come across as rude. [ ]

“Fine,” she said mustering as much politeness as her sour mood afforded her, “I’m doing just peachy!”

I think that it might have made sense to take a moment to more explicitly depict Sierra’s forced transition into forced enthusiasm / cheerfulness a bit more than what’s presently there.

Barry either did not notice Sierra’s sarcasm or consciously chose to ignore it.

Ah, yeah. That’s why it would’ve been worth it to take some time to expand on Sierra’s mood and reaction a bit more, since I had a very different read on things at first.

“Well that’s good to hear, I’ll go on ahead and open the gate for you!” The Buizel said with a salute.

Barry knocked on the wooden gate with the butt of his spear twice, alerting the people on the other side. A moment later, the large wooden doors began to swing open, allowing Sierra entry. Sierra merely nodded towards the Buizel as she entered the town proper, allowing the two gate guards to resume their ever important task of lazing about.

Barry… was never described having a spear all the way up to this point. You’d think that would be a significant enough visual detail to bring up at the moment of initial introduction, since at first I was picturing Barry and Larry being like the guards from Wigglytuff’s Guild where it’s just normal Pokémon standing around and keeping watch.

The Town of Slumberly was quite lively despite its namesake. The majority of people here in town were either gathered in the market or walking to and from the post office. Sierra’s goal, however, was the real hub of activity here: It was the Slumberly branch of the Rescue Explorer’s Guild that she was heading for, a large building set on a hill north of the Great Apple Tree. Standing at three stories tall it was by far the largest Pokemon-made building in the town. Not even the mayor’s offices were as tall as the guild hall. This grandiose height made it easy to spot for newcomers and locals alike.

Some phrasing nitpicks here and there in this block. The main error that I saw was that you want “name” instead of “namesake” unless Slumberly is very intentionally named after someone or something in this story.

Making her way over to the building, Sierra’s thoughts were still troubled by her financial situation. She could probably squeeze out another month’s rent if she cut out a lot of excess expenses, she thought to herself. But the criteria definition of “excess” was already becoming unreasonably large broad. In fact just recently she had to start categorizing a regular laundry schedule as an “excess” and started wearing the same scarf and using the same towel far longer than was comfortable. She needed to find a third teammate and soon so she could start taking the higher ranked, and subsequently higher paying, jobs. But for the immediate future now, she needed to find her current second teammate, Gwurm.

Sierra approached the Guild Hall and began scanning the congregated pokemon through the window for her muscle. After a couple of sweeps she failed to spy her Goomy friend anywhere. With an annoyed huff she decided to start asking around if anyone had seen him. Surely the receptionist had at least an idea of where he currently was.

Some more suggested odds and ends to tighten up. Though Gwurm’s a Goomy, huh? I suppose that I should be a lot less surprised since I got a very ‘dragon-y’ vibe from the name.

Entering the hall, Sierra was immediately buffeted by the scents and sounds of adventures in progress and in waiting and potential adventure that always permeated this place. There were multiple teams sitting at large tables set off to the sides of the main room. These groups that were either returning from or preparing to embark on the myriad of jobs that Rescue Explorers could undertake. Most of them had large plates of food and mugs of various alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. The overwhelming scent of hearty cooking and hot meals made Sierra’s mouth water and her stomach growl. She pushed these feelings down as she trotted over to the receptionist’s desk to make her inquiries.

I kinda wonder why the narration didn’t just go ahead and call this a mess/dining hall up to this point, given that that’s very obviously what this room with the long tables is.

Sierra used her vines to hoist herself up onto one of the stools reserved for smaller mons. She set her forelimbs on the desk and rang the service bell with one of her vines.

“Just a minute!” Came the familiar voice of the receptionist from somewhere in the back. Sierra recalled the receptionist's name was Kaylee, a Zorua with a mischievous streak. She was the local town trickster and constantly fluttered from job to job because she kept getting fired for her pranks. Sierra had made a bet with Sally, a fellow rescue explorer, that Kaylee would only last a week on this job before moving on to the next. That bet was 5 days ago, two more and she’d owe Sally 50 poke.

IMO, the bit in underlined might work better by just having Kaylee come out and then expositioning things to the readers, since right now, this is a very “informed attribute” moment since we as readers haven’t gotten to see anything of Kaylee ourselves up to this point.

Kaylee eventually returned from the backrooms of the hall carrying a large stack of papers, along with job listings from the locals in Slumberly and some of the towns further out. She acknowledged Sierra with a nod before beginning to pin the papers to the Evening Quest Board. The Evening board would soon replace the current quest board in the next hour or so and with that replacement, which meant that in the next hour or so, there’d be a fresh set of jobs would be available for any rescue explorer team to take. Sierra supposed that was fortunate for her since they were first come first serve and the guild hall was always packed around this time with teams eager to embark on their next job.

Some odds and ends suggestions for this block, especially since there’s a couple parts that read a bit redundant to me and like they could be smoothed out to say the same thing in fewer words.

“So what brings you here all by your lonesome? Did Gwurm get tired of you already?” Kaylee asked without even looking at Sierra, instead deciding to focus on pinning the notes.

Wow, rude.

“Oh yes, he decided to run off into the sunset with an attractive Zorua,” Sierra stated sarcastically, snarked. “For your information I’m actually looking for Gwurm now so we can go on another job. You see him around here? He’s not usually this late.”

While she spoke, Sierra tried to sneak a peek at some of the evening job postings. Her eyes scanned focused mainly on the reward amounts, looking for the most profitable jobs. Although, Sierra was also painfully aware that she wouldn’t be able to take the real big ones given her Team’s “incompleteness”. Still, it gave her a goal to strive towards. Plus and she liked to imagine herself one day raking in the big bucks in the big leagues.

Okay, so given that it’s been happening a bit up to this point, but I suppose I ought to get it out of the way that in sentences where you’d have to take a moment to pause before continuing on, it makes sense to put in a comma, since otherwise the flow of things is a bit screwy and it makes the sentence a mouthful.

“Really? You don’t know? The latest editions of ‘Ember and Uxie’ just got delivered to the bookstore.” Kaylee said with a playful smile and slightly turning to at least half look towards Sierra.

“What does that have to do with any--ooooh…”

That was right, those books were Gwurm’s latest hyperfixation. The adventure novels of Ember and Uxie. Gwurm had been fascinated by them ever since he got his hands(?) on the first issue some six odd months ago. Since then he’d been watching the post office like a Pidgeott for the bookstore’s stock delivery and today was mail day!

[ ]


“Shi-Shoot!” Sierra fought back a curse word. “That boy… Alright, thanks for the info!” Sierra bounded off the chair and towards the exit.

I feel like we’re missing a step for Sierra’s thought process for why Gwurm’s absence is such a problem. Like are they not able to take missions if he’s not physically present? It might make sense to more explicitly communicate what the inconvenience for Sierra here is, since it’s not really obvious from the narration at the moment.

“You really should keep better track of your team, Sierra. It’s unbecoming of a leader to lose them so easily!” Kaylee said before Sierra could get too far for her to hear.

Shots fired. Kaylee and Sierra have a rivalry with each other, don’t they?

“I’ll be sure to jot down your criticisms in my journal.” Sierra snapped back dismissively. She had grown used to the constant criticisms of others. But she hadn’t failed a job yet and she was not about to start.

Keep those job postings hot, I’ll be back!” Sierra shouted before she let the doors of the Guild Hall close behind her as she exited.

As a heads-up, but mind your verb tenses for your prose, since in the vast majority of cases, you want your verbs to all be in present tense or all be in past tense if they’re referring to things happening at a shared moment and place.

Sprinting towards the bookstore, Sierra was determined to grab Gwurm and return to the board before all the good paying jobs were snapped up. Or at least the ones she could take. Low rank jobs tended to disappear alarmingly quickly thanks to Slumberly’s location as a popular pit stop for fledgling rescue explorer teams heading to the capital. Plenty There were no shortage of up and coming Rescue Explorer teams liked to stop by here for their initial debut. This meant that low rank jobs were always in demand. Sierra bolted down the town roads and past market stalls, she was not going to lose another payday just because Gwurm couldn’t be bothered to show up on time!

Oh, so I see I was right about the whole team needing to be there to accept missions. Though I still say that that’s a detail that should’ve been mentioned a bit more explicitly earlier on.

Sierra skidded around a corner and almost toppled a Heliolisk, and kept galloping on as he tried who proceeded to try and scold Sierra as she galloped away from for the near collision. Just up ahead, Sierra spotted the bookstore in question. There was a much smaller gathering in front of the store compared to the Guild Hallheck, even compared to the other stores on this street. You’d only ever spot a few locals and the occasional tourist at this bookstore, it was substantially less popular than the Guild Hall. Sierra scanned the premises furiously until she spied the Goomy she was looking for buried in a book inside the store.

The bit in underlined feels like it’s reiterating points made elsewhere in the paragraph, and a part of me wonders if it’s really needed here.

“Gwurm!” Sierra shouted while, pounding the window of the bookstore to get his attention.

But It was no use, Gwurm was completely invested and could not hear Sierra’s calls. Sierra let out a frustrated groan and begrudgingly stepped inside the bookstore to physically get Gwurm’s attention.

I… was not under the impression that Sierra was at the window when she spotted Gwurm and thought that she saw him in the crowd up front. This is another moment where being a bit more generous with your description of the scene and its setting would’ve gone a long way to disambiguate what was going on.

Approaching Gwurm, Sierra loudly cleared her throat once she was right next to him. But the only response she got was the quiet whispers of Gwurm trying to sound out each word he was reading. The poor boy was struggling with ‘Omanyte’ and had to constantly go back to the start of the word. As much as Sierra would have loved to encourage the lad’s higher learning, she had places to be and jobs to snatch, so she couldn’t waste time. Sierra stepped in front of Gwurm and used her vines to yank the book down so he had to look at her.

“Gwurm! We’re almost late for the Job Board refresh! Get your a- your butt in gear!” Sierra almost shouted, she had to restrain herself since they were in a place of reading.

Despite her efforts to restrain her voice in a place of reading, a couple of agitated “shushes” rang out in response to her outburst. Sierra dismissed these almost instinctively.

I… didn’t realize that Sierra was meant to be this agitated. It might have made sense to spend a bit more time on her thought process a bit more to show off how she was annoyed prior to her yanking Gwurm’s book and pulling a “Gwurm, let’s go” on him.

Gwurm, still half in the land of fiction, did not fully process what Sierra had just said. [ ]

Oh hi Sierra!” Gwurm cheerfully greeted his team leader, “Have you come for the newest releases as well? I’m certain you’ll like this edition of Ember and Uxie! This one’s about their attempts to overthrow a military tyranny with the help of a nudist and his Cindera--”

That’s quite a book series there. :copyka:

Though this is another spot where it felt like something was missing a step in terms of Gwurm’s reaction to Sierra. If you ever go back to touch this chapter up, consider throwing in another sentence or two about Gwurm’s reaction to realizing “Oh, hey, Sierra’s here” a bit more.

“Nahnahnah I do not care! Gwurm! We are almost late for the Job Board refresh!” Sierra reiterated with much more annoyance this time.

She really did not have time to spare for Gwurm’s recaps. Roughly grabbing her friend with her vines she lifted the gooey purple dragon pokemon above her head and sprinted out of the bookstore. If she was quick enough she could probably still make it in time!

Sprinting Running as fast as her little Chikorita legs would carry her, Sierra dashed through the serene streets of Slumberly. Her panic and impatience were a stark contrast to the normally laid back atmosphere of the town. Sierra slid around the same corner she almost crashed into a Heliolisk at [ ] and left skid marks in the dirt pathway. She scrambled back into a galloping gait as she raced towards the Guild Hall. The hall came into view just as the town bell rang out, signifying the arrival of noon, and the official job board refresh.

I think that you wound up accidentally leaving out some words at some point during drafting, since the bit in underlined feels like something was meant to be there, but just isn’t for some reason.

Also, if this is meant to be the same Heliolisk from earlier, it might make sense to draw attention that for extra comedy value.

Sierra pushed her body past its limit, her muscles screamed and tears began to form in her eyes as she barreled towards the doors of the Guild Hall. With a crash, she burst into the Guild Hall right into a crowd of Rescue Explorer teams that were leaving it. [ ] Sierra briefly noted that each one had a paper in their hands, the job listings no doubts.

Sierra tried not to let her doubts overtake her thoughts as she muscled through the crowd. Once at the other side of the mass of pokemon, Sierra stood in a much emptier Guild Hall. Sierra cursed out loud as she dragged Gwurm and herself towards the spirit-crushingly empty job board. Only a few scraps remained on it.

IMO, you’re missing a step for showing Sierra crashing into these randoms and the subsequent aftermath.

“Ooooh, better luck next time, Sierra!” Kaylee’s voice called out from the reception desk.

Sierra:
giphy.gif


“Shut up!” Sierra snapped back.

She set Gwurm down and began looking at all the job listings remaining. There had to be something, anything! The longer Sierra scanned the board the clearer it became to her, all the possible jobs for her to take had been snapped up. The only jobs left were well above her team’s rank to even accept. Defeated, Sierra slumped into one of the chairs.

Yeah, I figured. Though wait, there were chairs here in all of this?

“Arceus! Damnit!” Sierra cursed as her head flopped onto the table in front of her, “We were so close!”

[ ]


“Aww geez, I’m sorry, Sierra…” Gwurm said as he hesitantly scooted towards her. “There’s always next time.”

Also another spot where it feels like you’re brushing past something that would be worth showing off, in this case, Gwurm’s “... oh” moment after realizing that he cost his team a chance to do a mission.

This did not comfort Sierra, official job listings took ages to come through. They wouldn't be getting any new job listings until the next mail day. Not unless someone local had a--

“Hello? Am I too late?” A lone Butterfree entered the guild hall nervously.

Sierra: “Well, speak of the devil…”
684293502049320970.webp


“Sorry ma’am, most of the jobs have already been taken.” Kaylee said in a bored monotone.

“O-oh, I’m not here to take a job, I’m here to post one.” The Butterfree fluttered towards the desk nervously.

Sierra’s head immediately perked up, there was hope after all! “Well why didn’t you say so earlier lady, you’re right on time! Team Cheri Colas will help you out with whatever it is!” Sierra lept from the table and quickly closed the gap towards the Butterfree.

Wait, so if this is meant to be an AU to canonworld, is this going to be the AU’s version of the Caterpie mission from RBDX? I mean, it said it was a Super AU, but…

“Sierra, you know that’s not how this works.” Kaylee said rather annoyedly. “There’s paperwork, proper filing, threat assessment, a job posting can take a couple-”

“Shut up, I’m calling in that favor.” Sierra glared at the Zorua “Surely you can handle the paperwork to make this all run smoothly, ye?”

It was never communicated or foreshadowed up to this point that Sierra had a favor that she could call in from Kaylee, so this is kinda coming out of left field at the moment. At the very least it might make sense to elaborated on it either immediately before or after Sierra calls things in.

“You’re really gonna?” The Zorua’s expression shifted from one of surprise to one of flippant disregard, “You know what? Fine! If this is really what you’re gonna waste that favor on then that's fine by me. I hope you have a wonderful time on the job.”

Narrator: “She will not have a wonderful time on the job.

Kaylee scurried into the back of the shop to forge the necessary documents while Sierra got to work reeling in her new client. Sierra put a vine over the Butterfree’s shoulder and asked

So what’s this job you’ve got?”

“Probably should have asked that before you accepted the job, Sierra. What if it’s outside our rank?” Gwurm said, raising his concerns to his leader.

“Kaylee can handle that too.” Sierra said as she tried to wave Gwurm off with her other vine dismissively, “So what can we do for you? What's the job?”

Cue the absolutely cursed trainwreck of a mission in 3… 2…

The Butterfree suppressed a sniffle before she spoke, “I-It’s my son. He’s run off and I need someone to rescue him.”

Oh, so this is this story’s version of the Caterpie mission. I had a feeling, though I kinda wonder if Butterfree’s distraughtness should’ve been played up a bit more prior to this point.

“A child rescue? No problem! We can handle it no sweat! Do you know where he ran off to?” Sierra asked with rising excitement.

bender-laughing.gif


“The Darkwoods Mystery Dungeon…” The Butterfree said solemnly.

The mood in the hall turned dour at the revelation. Sierra’s optimism was immediately replaced with disbelief. She mentally kicked herself for accepting this job in advance so eagerly. But she couldn’t back out now, it’d tank her reputation.

Wait, but isn’t that the entire point of a ranking system and didn’t Sierra literally just tell Gwurm that Kaylee would get them out of things if the mission was something beyond what they could reasonably do?

“You're sure?” Sierra asked, hoping in vain to change reality with her inquisition.

The Butterfree simply nodded.

Sierra took a deep breath before quietly exclaiming “Fuuuuuuuuu-”

Well, that’s certainly an ending there. I gather that Darkwoods is bad news in this setting, but I do feel like this moment would’ve taken a moment to show off Sierra’s internal thoughts about why Darkwoods is bad news a bit more and drive home the vibe of:

5f0.gif


A bit harder.

Alright, so as you gathered, I was on the critical side for this review, but before getting into the more negative side of things, I do think that the nuts and bolts of this opening chapter show a lot of promise. The characterization is pretty fun, and you managed to get across a decent amount about Sierra, her personality, and how she relates to others through Gwurm and Kaylee. I also liked how the story utilized family connections and money troubles as story devices, since both of those are weirdly uncommon for PMD fics, so good work there.

That said, I felt that there was a number of things about this opening chapter that didn’t quite do it for me. The first of those things was that on the whole, the chapter was a bit on the unpolished side. There were enough little verb tense errors, punctuation and capitalization mistakes, and the like that if you haven’t already been doing so, I would strongly recommend taking the time to read your story’s prose out aloud to yourself at least once prior to publishing. It would help a lot for ferreting out things that don’t read quite right, since they won’t sound quite right either when spoken aloud.

I also thought that there was an unfortunate running issue with “tell and not show” in the chapter that undercut certain moments. Like we have moments where it comes out that there’s a certain detail lying around out of the blue (e.x. Barry’s spear, the favor Kaylee owes Sierra) that due to not being alluded to or built up beforehand, makes things very sudden. Simply taking the time to describe things more upfront, and to show the “how” of things like your characters’ emotional states and inner thoughts (e.x. Sierra is annoyed, so what is her bodily reaction, what are her inner thoughts while being annoyed, etc.) would go a long ways towards making your first chapter more solid.

Finally, I’m not really sure if it’s a deliberate choice or not, but I didn’t really get a strong vibe that this was going to be a dark fantasy story until I looked at the tags. Like it’s not impossible to pull a fakeout lull for a darker work (Puella Magi Madoka Magica as an example, did it quite memorably), it probably does make sense to foreshadow it a bit more with little details here and there, since I honestly would’ve thought that your story was shaping up to be a fairly conventional one had I not read the author’s notes and tags. Might be personal preference leaking in, but it’s something to consider.

I hope that the feedback wasn’t too disappointing, but for what it’s worth, almost all the issues that I had while reading your first chapter felt like they could be fixed with additive editing. Things are still early enough in your run that if you felt like it, you could make fairly extensive edits to your existing chapters without losing momentum, but if you opt not to, I hope the critiques help with your future chapters.

Best of luck with your writing @CluelessJoker , and thanks again for your patience for waiting on this review.
 

Kbludoh

Bug Catcher
Location
Brazil
Pronouns
he/him
Hey there! I'm here for the PMD: Writers United V-Wheel!

First of all, do take into consideration that I'm currently sick, so I'm currently unable to go too much in-depth when it comes to the actual prose and technical aspects of writing. It's a little bit difficult to focus and dig through more complex stuff at the moment, so I will instead focus on the characters that I've seen so far and the storytelling part.

About the initial premise of showing Sierra, her motivations, and who she is as a character was successful. Having to face multiple rejections, the time and financial pressure, a day that started off horribly and has her making a rash decision with the Butterfree and cashing Kaylee's favor. While I personally didn't like Sierra that much, it is a matter of personal taste, not of poor characterization. She feels a bit too brash, and her constant self-corrections from curse words just adds a little bit more to my dislike.

I have seen very little of Gwurm, but I already love the Goomy to pieces. Having that tiny little squishy fella be considered the "muscle" of the team, who was shown to be a massive comic nerd, is hilarious. He is absolutely precious, and I can't wait to see what else he'll bring to the table. Props for the 'mon!

The reading overall of the chapter was... okay. There were some sessions that could have been polished a little bit, or little bits that could be omitted so things don't get too "overwritten", and it did feel a bit tell-y instead of show-y at times, but that is coming from a person who is looking at it from a writer's perspective. Allow me to give two examples of things that I feel could be improved:

"Sierra grit her teeth in frustration, her vines trembled, her vision dimmed."

You don't need "in frustration". It is already clear through context she is frustrated.

"With desperation she tore open the envelope and began to read."

"With desperation" doesn't add anything of value. Being more detailed in how desperation affected the way she tore the envelope open would.

Now, I am definitely curious to see what is the personality of the third character to come. They seem to be the 'human-turned-Pokémon' trope, but considering how hotheaded and confrontational Sierra may be, the whole dynamic could be severely shaken.

Overall, I believe this is a good read. One chapter is hardly enough to judge, but it has shown some good potential. Keep up the fantastic work!
 
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