Heya,
I originally was on the hunt for a story to get in some bonus points today, and I realized that in all these years, I actually never wrote you a formal review,
@Umbramatic . And HAA was just lying there. Now it doesn't qualify for the review bonus, but I had enough fun reading and catching up anyways that I figured I'd just write some stuff out for thoughts and see where it went.
Chapter 1
This is one of the greatest love stories our world has ever known.
Not a ROMANTIC love story though. One between friends. A human and a Pokemon, destined to meet and do great things. The famous parts have been told many times before with a few... additions but I figured I'd start from the very beginning.
Who am I and why am I qualified to tell this story you say? Name's Polly Pteryx and let's say I was involved...
But are there explosions involved? :V
Somewhere in Johto, around 2005 After Skybreak (around 1000 years before the present)
... Not sure how much I'm feeling the notion of cold-dropping the notion of "After Skybreak", since as an epoch name, it clearly references a major event in-setting, but we don't really have a solid idea of what it
is. Maybe it'd have made more sense to have Polly explain or hint a bit more as to what it was, since admittedly, I'm a bit lost as to what exactly "Skybreak" is or why it would be significant.
A blue-haired, blue-eyed boy dressed in simple clothes was reaching for a ball stuck in a tree. No dice. He sighed and started climbing up. He was almost there. He could almost feel it in his fingers.
Then he slipped.
He fell, and something glowed with power in his throat. He let out a yell, and the yell turned into a sonic boom that echoed all around.
Then he landed, with a thud, leaving the boy panting in exhaustion on his back.
I'll avoid repeating this
too much since a glance over the prose seems to indicate that this is just a general thing, and you specifically asked for your reviewers to avoid spending too much breath talking about description quibbles, but I think that some of these paragraphs could stand to be expanded with a few more sentences going a bit more beat-by-beat for the action. It's most noticeable in the third and fourth paragraphs. As a throwaway example to consider, even if I'm taking a leap into the beyond as to how you're visualizing things:
There was a blue-haired, blue-eyed boy dressed in simple clothes, straining up to reach into the boughs of a tree with a red ball stuck in it. How on earth had he even managed this? But no matter, just a little more and...
No dice. The ball was just beyond his grasp, even while jumping. He sighed and clambered onto the trunk, carefully placing his hands and feet into natural toeholds in the trunk and started climbing up. A few pulls and steps up, and he was almost there. The ball was right there, he could almost feel it in his fingers.
Then he slipped.
The boy felt empty air under his arms and legs as he fell, and something suddenly glowed a brilliant blue in his throat. He let out a yell, and the yell turned into a powerful sonic boom that visibly distorted the air about him and echoed all around.
And then he hit the ground with a thud, leaving the boy panting in exhaustion on his back. Able to do nothing but stare up at the tree's boughs. ... His ball was still stuck there.
Something for you to consider, anyways.
He lay there a while, waiting for one of the village's adults to find him, when he heard a strange noise.
He weakly turned his head and saw a yellow Pokemon with small wings and a drill-like tail staring intently at him.
"H-Hello?" the boy said softly.
The Dunsparce hissed and used its tail to bury itself underground in reply.
Aaron: "Wow, who spit in
your tea this morning?" >_>;
The boy sighed and slowly started to get to his feet when he noticed a young woman approaching his location.
The woman was blonde with green eyes and was wearing strange clothing unfamiliar to the boy, a uniform with what seemed to be a two-part coat and a wide-brimmed hat with a spiky end and decorated with a symbol resembling three claw marks arranged in a triangular fashion. Upon further notice she also carried a staff of some sort in her left hand, both hands being gloved.
The boy backed away from her quickly.
"Y-you aren't from the village, miss..."
Gee, whatever tipped you off there,
Aaron? >:V
The woman blinked, then sighed and put a hand to her forehead.
"Kid, look, I'm not here to hurt you. You had a nasty enough fall there."
The boy stood and stared at her before tilting his head.
"How do you know about the fall?"
I... didn't get a strong sense that more than about a minute had passed since
Aaron fell out of the tree. Like he made a
massive racket falling out, so it might make sense to slip some more acknowledgement of
how long the guy's been there such that his immediate assumption is "... How do you know about this?"
Polly: "
You made a sonic boom with a shout. How do you expect me not to
hear that?" >_>;
Aaron: "Okay, fair point.
He yelped as the Dunsparce from earlier slithered up from behind him and up to rest at the woman's feet.
"My Dunsparce told me. Don't worry, she's friendly... If a bit odd."
The Dunsparce nodded in affirmation to both statements.
"She... told... you?" said the boy.
He looked up at the woman in wonder. "You can talk to Pokemon?"
Polly: "Is that really so unbelievable when there's fics that have literally been going on for 20 years where talking to Pokémon is mainstream in-setting?" :|
Aaron: "To be fair, that's not
our setting, so..." -_-;
~Yep. Like this.~
The boy jumped, looked at the woman in bewilderment, then looked around wildly. That was her voice, but her mouth hadn't moved at all, where-
~Kid, it's me. I'm talking to you with my head, it's called telepathy.~
Okay, yeah. That would be handy for talking to Pokémon even
with a hard language barrier. At least if that telepathy works like it does in the anime.
The boy looked up at her again, eyes widening. "You.. You..."
The woman gave a small smile. "Kid, you aren't the only one out there with 'magic powers'."
The boy grinned, and bounced up and down excitedly. "You have powers like I do! And you're big and strong and that means I'm not a freak! Like, I can do the talaplethy thing too!"
He closed his eyes and scrunched his face in. ~Se... wh... mea...~
Polly: ~... Yeah, don't quit your day job, kid~ :/
Aaron: "I-I just need a little practice!" >///<
He stopped, opened his eyes, panted profusely, then looked up at the woman with a nervous chuckle and grin. "I-I'm still working on it, miss..."
The woman raised an eyebrow. "...I can tell."
Oh hey, I called that reaction. :V
The Dunsparce gave a "sparce" and a snicker-like hiss before the woman nudged her with her boot.
"But wait, you've got better powers than I do," said the boy, "and you've got that really nice outfit..."
His eyes lit up. "You're a wizard!"
The woman blinked. "I'm a what?"
She blinked and sighed with a hand to her head again as what the boy said more fully clicked. "Kid, no no no, not really, I'm an Aura Guardian. A group of people with powers like us. This outfit - the hat, the coat, the boots the staff the cape - that's our uniform.
... Wait, so do Aura Guardians in this setting all have outfits in the style of Aaron's in M08, or do they have variations like different colors? Since... I admittedly can't tell from the text, and that's kinda a major detail you want to communicate.
She gestured to her "coat".
"...Well on my end, I had to convince them to make the cape an extension of my coat since it suited my fighting style better..."
"You fight evildoers?!" said the boy, jumping up and down in excitement.
"Wha-"
The woman shook her head. "When we need to yes, whenever they threaten the peace of civilians or those on the Auri-"
[ ]
She threw her hands up in the air and groaned.
I think you might want to slip in some sort of reaction from
Aaron there to the Aura Guardian since she kinda cuts herself off abruptly. It works a bit better/is funnier if something like
Aaron cutting in with "That's so cool!" happens, and
then the lady gets annoyed about it.
"Kid, I'd already been on patrol duty long enough both time and distance-wise before I found you. I can answer all your little questions later. Right now I've got a question for you - where the hell are your parents?"
The boy blinked, then shuffled a bit. "Me and my mom live further in the village. I used to have a dad but..."
He shook his head. "You can still see my mom, though! Follow me!"
He started running off. The woman headed after, her Dunsparce slithering and fluttering after.
>bringing a
random stranger to meet your only parent
I mean, I get that she's an Aura Guardian, but
still, that sounds like a recipe to wind up getting robbed one day. :V
A different woman with blue hair and blue eyes like the boy's was tending to her house when she heard a knock at her door.
She opened it to see said boy and the blonde woman standing before her.
"Ma'am?" said the latter, clenching her right fist and crossing it over her chest. "Polly Pteryx of the Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians. I'm here about your son's... condition."
The boy's mother gave a small gasp but moved to let Polly and her own son in, giving a small yelp as the Dunsparce slithered in after then rushing over to her son and hugging him.
"Dear, are you OK?! Did something happen?!"
Wait, does
Aaron's mother recognize that Polly is an Aura Guardian? Since something just feels off about "this stranger has my kid", like one would expect a "huh?" or an "uneasy" reaction unless you recognize very specifically that the stranger is someone you can trust. But... it doesn't really come through. Mind you, you can literally settle things one way or another by dropping a sentence elaborating on that reaction in the second paragraph, but it's something that stood out to me.
"Yeah Mom, the bullies put my ball in a tree and I fell trying to get it, but then this lady and her Dunsparce came to help!"
That's... kinda coming out of left field. Like I feel that even something as simple as mentioning it in passing in the opening sequence as something that
just happened would've made things feel a bit more grounded.
"Oh, ma'am, I can't thank you enough!"
Polly nodded. "You're welcome. But your son's power is still something to be discussed."
"...Go on?"
"Well, let him have a say first. Kid, what happened when you fell?"
The boy thought for a second. "Well... I got scared and something in my chest started moving and I screamed so loud it exploded!"
I'm not sure if the ambiguous dialogue is intentional or not, since in the current prose, you can read that as
Aaron's chest having exploded.
The boy's mother blinked. Polly nodded.
"That sounds about what my Dunsparce told me probably happened. She can pick up a lot by scent and vibrations."
Her Dunsparce gave a hiss and "Dun!" of gratitude.
Polly turned to the boy's mother. "Your boy has one hell of an Auric Scream."
His mother blinked. "Auric what?"
Mother: "... Dear, if this 'Auric Scream' made you explode, how did you
get back together?"
Aaron: "No, no. It made the
air around me explode.
I'm fine."
Mother: "Er..." o_o;
Polly sighed. "Your son has power over the force known as Aura that flows through every living thing. All Pokemon can tap into it to some extent, but only a rare few humans, like your son..."
She rolled up her sleeve to let a pink, scythelike blade of energy extend from a slit in the middle of her glove around her ulna.
"...And me."
Ah, I see that aura can have hard light properties in this setting.
The boy, enraptured, moved a bit closer to the blade. Polly quickly noticed and dissipated it.
"Careful, kid, that thing's sharp. I'm on the quadrant with powers closest to a Psychic-type Pokemon, that thing's basically my equivalent of a Psycho Cut."
The boy shifted again. "Sorry, ma'am..."
Oh
right, I assume that this story is using that old system of "Aura and Obscura" from WAAPT.
That's certainly a blast from the past, even if it's kinda a unique enough system that it probably merits walking the readers through it briefly since... yeah. Very few people who don't have knowledge of WAAPT would know what that means or how it's organized.
He immediately perked up. "Wait, what does that mean I have? Dragon type powers? Steel type powers?"
Polly frowned slightly. "Sorry kid, they sadly aren't quite that varied in us humans. Tell you what, if you want to find out, why don't you try making something with your powers like I did?"
Yeah, like Polly's line there would be a decent place to drop in the brief spiel, especially if as an
Aura Guardian, she only needs to worry of 2 out of the 4 quadrants.
The boy beamed, and cupped his hands, only to notice all three of his mother, Polly, and Polly's Dunsparce moving back noticeably.
"...Why are you all doing that?"
"I-It's so we have a good view, sweetie!" said his mother.
~Nice save,~ said Polly to her telepathically.
D-Don't get in my head like that!
~You're welcome.~
Wow, I see that Polly's quite the troll there.
The boy concentrated, grit his teeth as a ball of blue-green energy formed between his hands and grew larger and larger until-
It exploded. The house rattled, the mother flinched and yelped as a pot fell off a table and shattered right next to her. The boy was blown back, knocked to the floor and lay there breathing heavily a while before muttering:
"...I'm OK..."
I'm a little surprised that
Aaron's mom isn't reflexively going over to try and aid him, since... yeah, her child kinda got flung to the ground by a ball of light that blew up in his face.
"Well," said Polly. "There we have it."
She turned to the boy's mother again.
"Your son has the most potential with the brand of Aura closest to that of Fighting types I've ever seen in someone his age; that would've been a damn good approximation of a Focus Blast if he'd managed to fully charge it."
Mother: "He
blew up the house!" >.<
Polly: "Oh come on, it was just a pot anyways. I'm sure you can get a replacement-"
Mother: "We're
peasants..." >_>;
Polly: "... Right, I can pay for that."
She looked back to the boy and furrowed her brow.
"...The bad news is he also has the least refined powers of anyone on that part of the power spectrum I've ever seen."
The boy's mother blinked. "And that means...?"
"We can train him."
"...What?"
Polly: "Trust us, for
everyone's safety,
you want us to train him."
Aaron: "But wasn't the ball of light
supposed to blow up like that?" :?
Polly: "Er... no."
"The Aura Guardians seek to hone the potential of everyone with the power of the Wave to live their lives to the fullest. That includes your son."
"I..."
Polly: "Also, it'll help your son get a rein over his powers before he
properly blows up a house on accident."
Mother: "Can't he just try not using his powers?" ._.
Polly: "Look lady, that's not a healthy solution and
everyone here knows that." >_>;
The boy's mother paused. "I... I'm not sure what to do... After we lost Issac..."
"Mom... I... I want to."
The boy's mother turned to see him getting to his feet.
"If they're gonna accept my powers... Make me stronger... I want them to help me.
His mother stared, then nodded and smiled.
I realize that the ship has probably sailed since it's a non-trivial edit and you're not in the market for those, but I think that Aaron's entire spiel there would've worked better if we actually
saw him get bullied over his powers even briefly earlier on, and got a better idea that it's been going on for a long while.
Polly smiled as well. "Good; we'll get you up to the monastery in a few months."
Her brow furrowed again.
"Though... Geez, sorry it slipped my mind until now, but what's your name, kid?"
The boy smiled softly.
"It's Aaron!"
Mother: "How do you
forget that until just now?" >_>;
Polly: "Oi, I'm busy with Wave Guardian duties. It
happens."
The forest was dim at sunset; the Pidgey and Starly were retreating to their roosts as the Hoothoot and Murkrow were emerging from theirs. Amid it all, however, in a small clearing, one avian Pokemon stayed groundbound and vigilant - A Blaziken with an X-shaped scar on his forehead watching over a small, blue-and-black egg nestled in a shallow burrow.
The Blaziken raised his haunches as he sensed something approaching, but relaxed upon his sharp eyes seeing it was a familiar female Lucario and gave a beaky smile.
"...Hey honey. It's not your turn yet."
"I know, Ginji," said the female Lucario, "I just wanted to check in."
PMD manga nods ahoy!
"Well, I think it's doing all right... I don't have Flame Body or Magma Armor or anything, but I'm keeping it warm."
He stood up and looked at her, rubbing the back of his head.
"Though, could you use those Aura powers of yours to check? Mine are only good for ol' punches and kicks and such..."
At first I did a double-take, but... right.
Every fighting type technically has Aura under a WAAPT-style system. I feel as if this could've been communicated for the readers a bit better, but meh. You can still kinda put two and two together.
She nodded, her eyes closing and the feelers on the back of her head raising as she focused on the egg. She suddenly opened her eyes and gasped.
"It's close! Very close! It could hatch any-"
"Hey!" said a third voice, "Sis, you're supposed to be on hunting du-"
The source of the voice, a second, male Lucario, entered the clearing and sneered at Ginji.
"Why are you with him right now?"
Ginji: "Wow.
Rude." >v<
She scowled back. "He's my mate. Our egg is about to hatch."
The male Lucario rolled his eyes. "Right. Tell that hybrid thing when it hatches it's no more a real part of our pack than his wingless chicken-eagle of a fa-"
He was cut off mid sentence by said chicken-eagle standing right in front of him, looming over him and giving his own scowl.
"Okay, listen, buddy," said Ginji. "You nepotist canines can literally dogshit on me anytime you want normally, but me and my mate are having an important moment here. So fuck off, unless you want all that Taurosshit about me being a threat to the pack to not be such Taurosshit for you specifically."
Ginji: "Honey, with all due respect, but
why are we still here when the rest of your family doesn't exactly like me?" >v<
Lucario: "Because our baby needs to learn how to use Aura properly." -_-;
The second Lucario backed away, stooped with raised haunches, and gave a defiant snarl before dashing off.
"G-Ginji..." said the female. "He's going to tell the others about this..."
"Eh, they always come up with something, this makes zilch difference," he said. "Let's just focus on-"
Suddenly, they heard a loud cracking. The two rushed over just in time for the egg to fall apart and reveal a small, undeveloped and yipping Riolu pup, its eyes closed.
Ginji: "Heh, talk about perfect timing there."
"They made it!" said the female Lucario. "We did it!"
"Heh, we did! Now let's check on the little fella more closely..."
He scooped up the yipping pup in his foretalons and held him up to inspect his hindquarters.
"It looks like a male. We might find out otherwise later, but for now he's our little boy."
Ginji: "... Actually, how
do I know how to sex a mammal again when I'm a chicken?"
Lucario: "Because you've been living around mammals constantly and it's not exactly
hard with the text's implication?"
Ginji: "... Right, I suppose that you're all a lot more forward about that than us." ^v^;
The female Lucario smiled and looked up to Ginji. "Will he have a human name like yours?"
"I'm debating it. Might be a good idea, might not be."
The Riolu pup snuggled up to Ginji's chest as he gave another beaky smile.
"For now, I don't care what the rest of this pack says. This little guy's going places."
Well
that's certainly truer than Ginji ever imagined. I actually forgot
what Ginji called his son, if anything. Though "Gen" would've been a cute meta nod given... yeah, that's the JPN name of
another very Luke-themed aura-using human.
Chapter 2
The cart rattled and shook, and Aaron braced himself. He took a deep breath, and looked around at the other children, about as nervous and confused as he was. He was about to ask where exactly they were going, but got the feeling from more than just his Aura senses that most of the others didn't know either. What he could tell was that many came from far from his home, and far from theirs as well.
And then the Rapidash pulling the cart finally stopped. The kids quickly but nervously filed out. Aaron was last, and gazed up at where they had arrived.
Before them was a huge stone monastery, built into the mountain. Its spires and columns loomed over Aaron and made him feel small - not that that was a foreign feeling. He cowered slightly as they were led inside, through winding hallways, and finally into a courtyard, where the woman who had recruited him stood. Once all the children had gathered there she paced stoically before them.
This bit is actually pretty good for description. If you
do go back to fluff things out in general, I'd recommend using this as a baseline for the level of detail to slip into your writing in general, since I can get a much better mental image of what's going on in this portion.
Polly: "Welcome to Rota, kiddos."
"Before you kids all crawl off to your barracks and attempt to get comfy," said Polly, "I've been put in charge of giving you a rundown of what you're here for, so sit your asses tight until I'm done!"
Aaron gulped.
"She said a bad word..." whispered one of the children.
Polly:
"So," said Polly. "Can any of you kids tell me what Aura is?"
A child raised their hand. "It's a kind of life force, right?"
"Correct," said Polly. "All living beings have it in some form, and in particular in combination with other forces it's what gives Pokemon their powers! Their individual Auras express themselves in tandem with the Pokemon's biology to give them their typings and attacks."
She held up her palm and conjured a pink orb. "But sometimes, certain humans, like me and all of you, can tap into those same forces. The only known ways they crop up correspond loosely to the powers of certain Fighting, Ghost, Psychic, and Dark types. Now can anyone tell me what the terms for these powers in humans are?"
Another child raised their hand. "Aura, Psychokinesis, and the two kinds of Obscura, right?"
Ah right,
here's the primer of "Aura and Obscura" in the story.
"Correct," said Polly. "Aura is just called Aura because among most people it's thought to be the only "real" kind of Auric power. Any actual Aura Guardian or even hedge Auric knows that's bullshit."
She sighed. "Of course, we're here to educate you. But that's not all we're doing."
Oh well, she's certainly
teaching the impressionable kids a few things. I dunno if the rest of the Aura Guardians will be terribly impressed to find out
what though.
She brandished her staff. "We're Aura Guardians, who use our powers to defend the weak and innocent! Granted, we can't really go it alone..."
She tapped the staff on the ground. A sphere of light emerged from the crystal at its tip, growing and stretching to congeal as a Metagross. The children gasped, murmuring among each other as the Metagross looked them over.
"This is Metagross, one of my Pokemon partners. Your powers alone won't be able to get out of every scrape. For the rest, you have your Pokemon. And they're especially helpful because if it comes to a human against a Pokemon, the Pokemon always wins."
Ah, I see that Aura Guardians get the equivalent of Aaron's M08 staff as standard issue Pokéball standins.
One of the kids piped up. "I can take your Metagross!"
Whelp
that kid's a goner.
"Really?" said Polly, smirking. "Come up here."
The child did so, fists swinging eagerly.
"Now hit him," said Polly. "With your powers, preferably."
The child, without hesitation, yelled and rushed Metagross, their hands glowing. Without removing his eyes from Aaron, Metagross immediately sidestepped, knocked the child over with one of his legs, then pinned them to the ground telekinetically. The child just kind of stared upward, slowly registering their defeat, before Metagross let them go and they ran hurriedly and sheepishly back into the crowd.
I'm reminded of that one bit in
The Dragon Prince where the protag just gets casually demolished in a mock swordfighting session. But... yeah, don't try to fight the giant
enemy psychic crabs, kiddos.
"And that is why you kids need training! This is why you need partners!" said Polly. "Sure you could make it on your own if you got lucky, but as you are?" You'd be dead the moment you cross any human or Pokemon enough, powers or no. And I nor anyone else here could bear to have that happen."
The children had fallen into stunned silence. Aarons stared in horror. The Metagross kept watching.
Aaron: "... What on earth did I sign up for when I left mom?" o_o;
Polly: "Firm life lessons."
"Anyway, that is your first lesson," said Polly.. "I'll take you to Vince and he'll show you to your dormitories."
She walked off. The children silently shuffled after. Aaron remained where he was a long while before realizing he should probably get going and started to head after.
It was then he noticed the Metagross was still staring at him.
"Uh... Hi?"
Aaron: "I-I don't want to spar with you, just saying!" O_O;
He almost jumped out of his boots upon hearing the voice of a reply in his head.
~Hey. Are you OK, kid?~
"Uh, y-yeah, I'm OK... Wait, you can talk? But you're a Pokemon!"
~All Pokemon can talk. Just only some of them in a way most humans can understand.~
Metagross: ~Also, in case if you couldn't gather from the text formatting, but I'm using telepathy right now, so it's a bit helpful.~
"Woah, that's so cool!" said Aaron, eyes sparkling. He paused, then looked in the direction Polly went. "Why was Polly so mean? She was nice before..."
~Polly's like that. I've known her since she was a child.~
"Really? You gotta tell me more!"
~Not right now, kid,~ said Metagross, starting to trudge off. ~I have things to do.~
Aaron: "(Like Pokémon, like trainer, I see.)" >_>;
"Wait! But there's so much I wanna know!"
~Due time, rookie, due time.~
And Metagross walked away. Aaron paused, sighed, then scurried off after the others.
inb4 Polly and Metagross are wiling away their time on the Psychic analogue to Discord voice chat :V
In the forest, the trees swayed, the branches shook. On a clearing the Riolu stood with his father.
"Alright, then!" said Ginji. "Today I'm going to teach you some important things, things the rest of the pack would rather I not."
Riolu: "Uh... is this about the 'birds and the bees' thing that I heard about?" ._.;
Ginji: "What?
No! You don't need to worry about
that until
after evolution! (Also, your mother should probably handle that one since... I
think you probably want a mammalmon handling that lesson for you.)" >v>;
The Riolu shuffled nervously. "What, Dad?"
Ginji made a dramatic flourish with his claws.
"About humans!"
Riolu blinked. "What are those?"
Ginji: "You know, naked apes. Same general body plan as us. Can't take a punch?"
Riolu: "... Dad, I've
literally never seen a human before. Maybe try taking things from the top?" ._.;
Ginji shrugged. "On the immediately visible end, not much. Weird two-legged apes that aren't even Pokemon and only rarely even know any attacks of like... Four types. Some more cynical Pokemon say Arceus messed up some perfectly good monkey mons."
Riolu tilted his head. "Then why do I have to learn about them, Dad?"
"Because despite all that, they're special! They create things and ideas it takes ages for most Pokemon to figure out! They're masters of tactical thinking! And most importantly of all we Pokemon made a special promise to them! One of friendship!"
Ah right, I see that even after all these years, we basically gave humans the same "hat" with regard to their role in Pokéworld. I mean, not that I'm super opposed to the take there. :V
"A... Promise?"
Ginji grabbed a stick and started drawing in the dirt. "Long ago, humans first came to this world, and they and Pokemon were divided. Then one day, in the Sinnoh region, there was a great meeting! One where humans and Pokemon came to terms, and decided to help and not hurt one another."
By now he had drawn a circle in the dirt.
"This agreement was known as The Vow; a promise to work toward humans and Pokemon being stronger together than apart."
He drew a line through the circle, then a smaller circle in the center.
"Wow..." said Riolu.
Oh hey, it's the Pokéball logo. I see that that sigil had quite a bit of staying power here, though... I'm actually not sure
what the story behind it would be. Perhaps that's something to bring up in a future revision since... yeah, feels kinda luck of the draw there.
He then noticed the top half of the bigger circle was somehow red.
"...Dad? How did you get color with a stick?"
Ginji winked. "I learned it from my old Trainer."
... Actually, how
did Ginji get color on that stick? Since it wasn't described as there being pigment on either end of it in the narration.
"Trainer?"
"That's part of the Vow, son. Human Trainers use their quick wits to coach teams of Pokemon in sporting battles and other activities! It's really fun!"
"Wow!" said Riolu.
Well, I dunno how fun it is if your trainer just sucks and you keep losing repeatedly. But I suppose that's what voting with your feet is for. :V
He frowned. "Why don't you have a Trainer anymore?"
Ginji looked at him for a minute, then sighed.
"The Vow's not perfect, son. My old Trainer, he... He died trying to protect me from another Pokemon."
It might have made sense to add an extra sentence or two elaborating on
how the Vow isn't perfect. For instance: [The Vow's not perfect, son. It... doesn't say anything about what to do when you're facing down others who don't care about it.] is one potential way of filling it in that ties in with Ginji's backstory there.
"Oh..." said Riolu.
He paused, then cautiously went up and hugged his dad's leg. "I'm sorry, Dad..."
Ginji smiled. "Heh, thanks, son. Now come on, we've got to go do hunting and battle practice with your mom."
"Okay dad!"
And they headed off.
Ginji's line there... is kinda mood whiplash-y. Like it honestly would smooth things out quite a bit if it was framed in terms of "Don't worry about it" kinda like this really quick and lazy proposal:
["... Don't worry about it, son. It was all a long time ago, and I still had happy parts of my life after that. Like when I met your mother," Ginji smiled. "Now come on, we've got to go do hunting and battle practice with your mom."]
I personally feel it'd be most impactful to basically take a variant of the bit in brackets, but spread it across two paragraphs plus a descriptor in between, but I'll leave that bridge for you to cross should you desire.
Chapter 3
As Aaron entered the barracks, he looked around to find the other kids bunched together, being directed by an Aura guardian with scruffy blonde hair and dark skin.
"Alright kids, single file line while I sort you into your dorms, and no funny business! I've got enough bullshit to deal with."
I'll just bring it up off the bat, but you should make a point of keeping your chapters' spacing visually consistent with each other since... yeah, this chapter kinda has double double spacing compared to the first two.
Aaron quickly complied, disappearing within the crowd.
The mass grew smaller and smaller as more and more kids were sorted. Finally it was Aaron's turn. The Aura Guardian - who Aaron assumed was Vince - looked him over oddly before thumbing to a nearby room.
"M8."
Aaron's eyes drifted over to a room labeled M8. Silently wondering why he didn't get one of the higher-up rooms, he quickly headed towards it.
Oh hey, nice movie nod there. :V
Inside he found a pale. black-haired boy staring off into space and grumbling, a Scyther observing him.
"Hello?" said Aaron.
The boy looked over. "What do YOU want?" he said. The Scyther took notice and chittered, placing the flat of a scythe on his knee. The boy noticed and sighed. "Sorry..."
I can already hear the "Be
nice coming from the man-sized bug there.
"It's... All right?" said Aaron. "Are we gonna live together now?"
"Yeah duh. We aren't the only ones though."
"Not the only ones...?"
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YvAYIJSSZY
"Boo!"
Aaron yelped and whipped around. Behind him was a girl with maroon hair and decently dark skin, in particularly ragged clothing. Her teeth seemed unusually sharp, and she was giving him a manic look.
"Ha! Got you good!"
She also had the strangest accent Aaron had ever heard. What could ever-
"In case you're wondering," said the boy. "Callie was raised by Necrozma cultists."
I could've
sworn this story started before SM launched. Was this bit added in a later revision? Or am I just misremembering?
"For Necrozma!" Callie said in response. A small, gray and black salamander-like Pokemon skittered up her body to her shoulder and gave a hissy chuckle.
Aaron: "Please never say that again." O_O;
Louis: "Oh yeah,
that'll really stop her." >_>;
"Anyway," said the other boy, "I'm Louis. "The Scyther's Rook, the Salandit is Munchkin."
But is he a
merry munchkin? :V
"I'm Aaron!" said Aaron. Nice to meet you all!"
"Just be glad you haven't met the other two residents of this dorm yet," said Louis.
"Other two?"
At that point there was a roar, and a girl with wild hair and broken glasses leaped at Aaron. Aaron yelped and leaped out of the way, and was faced with the girl and a Pawniard that was waving its blades wildly in no particular direction.
"You're in my territory," said the girl.
Aaron: "I'm... starting to think that I should find a new room right about now."
"Atta! Stabby! He's just the new kid!" said Louis.
Atta looked Aaron over and snarled. "You live."
Stabby moved his blades in an "I'm watching you" motion.
Aaron gulped.
Aaron: "(Louis, how is
any of this okay?!)" >_>;
Louis: "(I mean, you're in a school for not-wizards. Did you really think that you weren't going to get stuck with some real characters?"
"Anyway!" said Callie to Aaron. "Do you have a Pokemon?"
Aaron:
"Me?" said Aaron. "I don't... Always wanted one but could never make friends with one..."
"Maybe they just don't like your personality," said Louis.
Wow,
rude.
"You're one to talk," said Atta.
"H-Hey!" said Louis. "I have Rook, don't I?"
The Scyther gave a buzzy sigh.
So was that "that's not a high bar to cross"? :V
"Okay!" said Callie, pointing. "Your bunk is over there."
Aaron looked over to a ragged old bed, and lay down in it to get some rest, which translated to staring upward as his roommates bickered.
So much for making friends.
Considering the quality of the roommates' first impression... yeah, I think you can do better, Aaron.
It was mealtime in what Aaron assumed to be a mess hall. Bored-looking Aura Guardians served food of varying quality to the hungry children and Pokemon, who quickly moved to their seats. Aaron moved to sit with his bunkmates and their Pokemon, only to see they were a ways off from the others.
Is all of that quality
edible? >:V
"What's going on?" said Aaron, blinking.
"People don't like sitting next to us," said Louis, Rook chittering in confirmation.
Aaron: "(With the way you all introduced yourselves to me,
gee I wonder why.)" >_>;
"Except her!" said Callie.
"Her...?" said Aaron, looking over.
A black-haired girl approached the table, looking around nervously, before sitting down with the group. A Gligar followed shortly after.
"Hey guys..."
"Hi!" said Aaron.
The girl blinked. "You're new."
The Gligar snickered.
... Well this seems promising already. At least in terms of the amount of shenanigans that'll ensue. :V
"I'm Aaron, and yep I'm new!"
"...I'm Eve. Guess I'm not the new kid at the freak table anymore."
Well
that conversation went places.
"Huh? Why are we freaks?"
-Aaron thinks back to his introduction about 5 minutes ago-
Aaron: "... Okay, I already have some sneaking suspicions, but let's hear the explanation
from your own words..." >_>;
"It's a long story, but seems you've already been marked as one by association," said Louis. "Also what happened with you and Polly."
"Huh? I can't be a freak! I was always a freak at home! I came here to not be a freak!"
"Tough luck," said Atta.
"Kids are cruel," said Callie, shrugging as Munchkin snuck bits of food.
Aaron: "... I feel robbed right now." >_>;
Aaron groaned, and the Gligar chuckled at him further."Cut it out, Iuroidea," said Eve to the Gligar. Iuroidea reluctantly stopped.
"Now what do I do?" said Aaron.
"Do what we do. Survive." said Louis.
Aaron: "Gee, what a goal there." ._.
"Or join Necrozma!" said Callie.
"You don't really need to convert every new person, Callie," said Eve.
-snerk-
Callie tilted her head. "I... Don't?"
"This is the tenth time I've told you this."
Callie just stared. Her eyes glazed over. A whip from Munchkin's tail snapped her back to reality. "Isn't this food great?" she said.
Aaron: "..." ._.
- Inches away slowly from Callie -
Aaron: "(Starting to get regrets about bailing on mom and the village right now.)" >_>;
Aaron looked at his plate and then Callie's. His had decent-looking vegetables and potatoes, but hers... What even was that?
~Don't question it,~ said a voice in Aaron's head.
Aaron blinked, then looked over to Eve. She winked.
Aaron: "... I don't even want to know, do I?" >_<;
Eve: ~Probably not, no.~
Right, Aaron thought. Everyone has powers here. I'm at least not alone in that sense. Though...
"Uh..." said Aaron. "Weird question, what powers do you guys have?"
In response, Louis held up a ball of orange Aura. Callie wove wisps of Spectral Obscura through her fingers. Atta snarled and conjured Dark Obscuric claws. Eve sent a telepathic message of ~You already know.~
I feel like the power exhibition was more than a little sped up there. It might've made sense to fluff out Louis, Callie, and Atta's a bit. Eve's IMO works fine as-is as a closer/punchline.
"Right," said Aaron. My powers are more like Louis', here, watch..."
He started charging a ball of Aura between his palms. He focused on it, containing it.
Then the power suddenly swelled. The sphere swelled. Aaron couldn't contain it any longer.
BAM!
Aaron was knocked to the ground. His food was sent flying. Everyone stared.
... Should've just done the sonic scream there, buddy.
Everyone then laughed.
"Well, if you weren't with us in the freak club before you certainly are now," said Louis.
Aaron just lay there panting.
Aaron: "(Yeah, I
really should've stayed in my home village if
this is what training was going to entail!)" >.<
That night, Aaron lay in his bed, listening to the others in his bunk. Louis muttered obscenities in his sleep. Callie muttered incantations to Necrozma. Atta simply snarled. Their Pokemon seemed to be the only ones who slept normally.
... Sounds like a fantastic way to not sleep at all.
Aaron thought to himself. His first day here... Hadn't gone so well. Polly had humiliated him, her Metagross had refused to help, he was immediately lumped with the "freak" kids, and he humiliated himself again trying to bond with them. Was the entire time going to be like this?
No. He couldn't let that happen. He'd find a way to improve things. He just needed to figure out a way how.
Or. Hear me out. You could go back to your village, get humiliated by the local kids, but have your mother to comfort you every night while you're still a kid. Sounds like it'd be at least a
marginally healthier environment compared to your new status quo.
In the forest, light dappled in the trees as a Riolu approached a Lucario.
"Hey mom," said the Riolu.
"Hello, son," said the Lucario. "Today you're going to learn how to hunt."
Riolu: "T-Treasure hunt?"
Lucario: "... Has Ginji been telling you stories of human life again?"
Riolu rubbed his paws together awkwardly. "That means I have to... Kill, right?"
"Yes. It is what we must do to survive. However... Your Auric abilities will make it painful to bring harm to another without training. So getting practice in this early is essential."
Because empathic abilities, or...? Since I'm not really sure if I follow Momcario's explanation there.
Riolu nodded and looked around. "So... What do I have to do?"
"There is a Buneary denning further into these bushes. You must kill it and bring it back to me."
Riolu looked over hesitantly to the bushes in question and headed in.
Riolu: "Uh... mom? Aren't you supposed to bring back prey so that way I can practice at hunting
without having to go off on my own and kill things right away?"
Lucario: "No, because we're
jackals and that's a
cat thing. Now chop-chop."
It was quiet except for the rustling leaves. Riolu could sense life with the feelers on the sides of his head, and it drew him further in. Eventually, he reached a burrow nestled in the fallen foliage, and he stood and waited.
Riolu: "Why does everything about this feel extremely wrong?" ._.;
Eventually a Buneary poked their head out, sniffing the air with their small, moist nose. They slowly, cautiously crept out and looked around.
That's when Riolu lunged with a Force Palm.
The Buneary gave a yell and tried to dodge, but the Force Palm managed to connect, causing them to fall over. Riolu recoiled from the empathic feedback, but pounced on the Buneary as they screamed, attempting to bite their throat. The Buneary suddenly gave a kick with their powerful legs and flipped the grappling Pokemon over so the Buneary was on top.
Well,
that meat certainly isn't going to taste tender after he's done with his hunt. Since the #1 rule of hunting if you want your game to actually taste good is to down your prey quickly before the stress can make the meat tough and affect its taste from the likes of adrenaline getting into the body.
Instinctively, Riolu tried to kick the Buneary's side. Suddenly, Riolu's leg erupted into flame as he kicked the Buneary's torso with a sickening crack. The Buneary was sent flying with a pained scream before crashing, and trying to crawl and limp away. Riolu recovered from the empathetic shock and wondering what it was he'd even done before dashing over and giving a Force Palm straight to the Buneary's neck. He recoiled. The Buneary fell limp.
Riolu gasped and panted, clutching his body from the amount of feedback aches he felt. It was a while before he had recovered enough to slowly drag the Buneary out of the bushes.
Yeeeeeeah, this probably would've gone smoother if mom had given a tutorial or else been there to provide guidance.
Eventually Riolu managed to drag the dead Buneary out to his mother. She smiled.
"Good job! Excellent you got it on your first try."
"Thanks... Now what do I do with it?"
"Shouldn't it be obvious? You eat it."
Riolu: "... Is this
sanitary?" ._.
Lucario: "No less so than everything else about our lifestyle."
Riolu: "If you
say so..."
Riolu stared down at the dead Buneary. Then at his mother. Then at the dead Buneary. Then at his mother. Then at the dead Buneary. Before finally digging in.
It was... Good. Better than the dry scraps he usually got, or even his mother's milk. He had blood all over his face but he was enjoying it.
His father approached. "Oh hey, I see you got one!"
"I did," said Riolu, looking up from his meal.
Why do I have a mental image of a length of intestine hanging from his mouth while he's saying this or something like that? ^^;
Seeing them both, he was reminded of something. "Mom, Dad? When I was kicking that Buneary to kill it, my leg caught on fire! But it didn't hurt at all! What does that mean?"
His mother's eyes widened. Ginji gave a beaky bird grin. "Well then! You learned one of my moves!"
"...I... Did?"
Riolu: "But you never
taught me how to do that!" .-.
"Pokemon can learn moves passed down from their parents," said his mother. "Even if they're of different species."
"Yes! And you got my Blaze Kick!" said Ginji.
"...Huh, wow," said Riolu. "Guess I'll do it again sometime!"
Riolu: "I still feel as if I should probably get some sort of tutoring or something for this."
Ginji: "Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, kid." ^v^
He then resumed digging into the Buneary while his parents conversed.
"Should he use that move around the pack?" said his mother.
"He'll be alright." said Ginji. "If anyone gives him trouble they'll have to deal with me."
Ginji: "Though depending on how quickly you pick that Blaze Kick up, you might be able to a pretty good job at kicking some Lucario tail on your own."
Lucario: "
Dear!" >_>;
Ginji: "What? It's true!"
"You can't intimidate them forever."
"...I know. But I'll do whatever it takes to protect you both."
Eventually Riolu finished his meal and joined his parents, who headed back to the pack.
Riolu: "... Mom, is it fine for me to just walk back to everyone a bloody mess like this?"
Lucario: "... We'll get you cleaned up later." ^^;
Riolu sat by himself, poking at rocks. It's usually what he had to do when his parents weren't immediately available - all the other Riolu avoided him for some reason. Every time he tried interacting with them they'd just move away or mutter something about their parents not letting them. Or both.
I mean, the pack is only blatantly speciesist and your dad's frightening to everyone, so...
His ears perked up. Was that his mom?
He headed over, clambering over a few rocks and pushing through a few bushes to get there. When he found his mother, however, he saw she was facing another Lucario - an old, scarred individual most of the rest of the pack knew to stay away from.
"You! You've been a burden for as long as this pack's existed! You hunt less, you keep watch less, you train less!"
Riolu: "... I thought old people were supposed to be jolly." .-.
Lucario: "No, where on earth did you ever get
that idea from-?"
- Beat moment -
Lucario: "... Has Ginji been telling you stories again?" -_-;
Riolu: "Er... well, yes."
Hey! That wasn't true. Riolu checked, his mom did all those more than everyone else!
"And now you're cavorting with your birdbrain mate and your freak offspring!"
>
Achieve 0 Audience Sympathy - any% speedrun (TAS)
His dad wasn't a birdbrain. He wasn't a freak.
...Was he?
"Your overgrown pile of feathers you call a mate can't protect you two forever! Someday judgement's gonna come down! Hell, it may very well be from me! Ha!"
That last line smells like tempting fate if I ever heard it.
That did it.
Riolu's leg erupted into flame. He rushed forward and began kicking the old, scarred Lucario in the legs as he howled in agony. His mother quickly grabbed him and started running away as the old, scarred Lucario yelled after them clutching his leg.
"Freak! Freak! Freak!"
Ginji: "Hey! Nice form there!"
Lucario: "
Dear!" >.<
Ginji: "What? It
was nice form..."
"And you what?" said Ginji, in a forest clearing with his family a bit later.
"I... I used your move... I just didn't want him to hurt you and mom..."
"That bag of bones? He's too old and lame to do anything but make threats. If I was aware he was harassing your mom I would have busted him in short order, so you should have gotten me."
Oh, so I was basically right about how Ginji would've reacted to that whole episode.
"Dear," said Riolu's mom, "You really don't have to deal with every member of the pack who-"
"Yes I do!" said Ginji. "I care about you two! You're the only family I have after what happened to my Trainer!"
He paused, panted heavily. "I... I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself..."
I'm pretty sure Ginji dies in like a chapter after this unless something changed in HAA's plot so that's just ever so slightly an "uhh... funny story about that" moment...
"...Dad? Thank you."
"Thank you for everything Ginji."
Ginji paused. Then carefully pulled the other two into a hug.
Aw... how sweet.
While it lasts.
The old, scarred Lucario was limping back to the rest of the pack.
"Oh, just wait until the alphas hear about this!" he said. "That damn bird will be history!"
Shouldn't you be ever so slightly concerned at how fast you're nuking your sympathy to the audience, buddy? Since that's usually a pretty good sign that you don't have much of a stage presence left.
It was then he noticed a distinct glow in his Aura senses, but couldn't ascertain its exact location.
"Eh? Who's that?"
His Aura feelers flared as he tried to pinpoint the source.
It was then he realized the source was right on top of him.
Claws and teeth dug in, rending limbs in spurts of blood. Fire burnt into flesh, loosening it from bone.
The old Lucario screamed.
Time to cue the appropriate music:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnoqzFrQ_aY
I'll spare you the broken record about structural issues you asked your reviewers not to spend too much time and energy talking about other than to say, I
do feel your story would benefit from a solid once-over to try and address some of them more thoroughly. Even with those quibbles, it's a cute piece, and I feel that your characterization is really carrying the story, especially in the parts where you really get a view and feel for the characters.
Good luck with writing, and wishing you the best for continuing Aaron and his partner's tale.
