unrepentantAuthor
A cat that writes stories.
This is the first of this year's two Mary Sue exquisite corpses, in which a truly flawless protagonist has an amazing adventure that is beyond all criticism and reproach!
The following authors wrote for this corpse:
This one's really classic, folks. Enjoy.
Thousand Roads' Exquisite Corpse 2023
Mary Sue I
I’m going to do it. I’m going to write today.
However, when our gracious Lord and Savior Arceus sat down at his typewriter, the words would not come.
It was quite ridiculous. He had created the heavens. He had created the earth. He had created the wind, the sea, and everything in-between.
So why the fuck was it so hard to write a godsdamned fanfiction?
Slamming his long, narrow snout into his keyboard, he groaned to himself. “Good grief,” he whined, “how is it that humans do this so much?”
When he had first created man, he’d been gracious enough to allow them the freedom to do mostly as they pleased, and they did well in making do. Inventing the wheel, discovering fire, creating an alphabet (those nifty Phoenicians were really onto something there!). Of course, out of the alphabet came the ability to write, and out of the ability to write came storytelling. Sweet, sweet storytelling. The things these humans came up with boggled Arceus’ mind. So much so that as time traveled on, he became invested in many of the tales they told. The things they wrote down. It was invigorating, and fun even.
Except, of course, when he came across a tale that didn’t run its course correctly. Despite the fact humans were as creative as they were, many had the absolute audacity to come up with a fantastic idea and completely shoot it to shit by doing something asinine with it. Sometimes it was making the characters do something ridiculous. Sometimes it ended on an awful note. There were a few times where they’d even kill off their beloved characters just for the hell of it. What even was that?
From that very trouble, though, came the peak evolution of storytelling: fanfiction.
Arceus had figured he’d only given Pokemon the ability to evolve so quickly and beautifully, but the humans never ceased to surprise him.
And now, he wanted to indulge in such an art form. It had taken him a while, but he’d eventually decided that writing fanfiction about the very race he’d created, humans, was the way to go. While he had been alright with giving them a free run of everything, there were times where he wished they just…wouldn’t. So, what better way to spend his day than coming up with some self-indulgent human fanfiction? It sounded like a great time!
Of course, until he had to come up with a character to write about.
Arceus had seen every kind of character there could be. Years and years of watching humans live and breathe gave him an excellent grasp on what made a human “human.” This had to be why coming up with a character to follow just struck him as tedious, and even boring. He’d seen it all. What would be exciting and new?
As he thought about it, something occurred to him. Every type of human was inherently flawed, but there had never been an inherently unflawed human.
As the thought occurred to him, he grinned. There was an idea.
Write about the most perfectly perfect human to exist. That would certainly be something to behold.
But…what could a perfect human do? Yes, there were humans that thought they were perfect, but they never actually were. How would they–no–-the entirety of the imperfect human race stand up to a flawless character? How would they react? What would come of it?
Then, another thought came to him. Why sit there and ponder it, when he could simply…make it happen? He had the ability to, and what was using his powers for a little bit of creative inspiration when he’d already birthed the entire universe? Child’s play, really.
With that, he stood up and got to work crafting his masterpiece.
It took about a day. Most of it was just ensuring he got the proportions right. But there wasn’t much to creating a perfect human, because they were, well…perfect. No flaws to worry about shoving into the genes, just straight flawlessness.
He took the time to meticulously craft her ebony black hair with red tips and purple streaks (making sure it reached the middle of her back, of course), and he ensured her eyes were as blue as limpid tears. Certainly a lot of people would tell her she looked like Amy Lee, lead singer of the goth rock band Evanescence (and if they didn’t know who that was, they’d need to get the hell out). In a spur of the moment decision, he decided to make her a vampire, but her teeth would remain perfectly straight and white, to of course match her pale white skin.
When it was all said and done, he took a step back to admire his handiwork. It was perfect. She was perfect.
She’d wreak havoc on everything.
“Hello, child,” Arceus greeted. “I am Arceus.”
“Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way,” she said.
She beamed a dazzling smile, practically blowing god away with her angelic aura, emphasizing the irony of her second middle name.
“I was told you had something for me,” Ebony continued, tilting her head quizzically.
Arceus looked down in amusement, impressed with the grit of the child.
“That I do, child.” Arceus boomed, pulsing with energy, looming above her. The expansive void surrounding them was silent for a caesura.
“You have been chosen as a testament to your honesty and good spirit, young one. As your creator, I decided that you will be sufficiently rewarded for your identity.”
Arceus paused once more, allowing Ebony to respond.
She shifted her feet in excitement, eyes brightening like a child at a toy store. “Thank you, Arceus!”
Arceus rumbled in approval at her gratitude and began glowing white. A cesspool of energy began collecting in front of Arceus, splitting up into two vivid vortexes of aura.
Ebony observed them carefully. The one on the left began shifting color, a gentle green hue shimmering across as wisps of energy began forming shapes. Suddenly, Ebony was able to recognize what she was seeing, and it was herself. In the image, she wore a smile broader than she had ever seen in a mirror, and Ebony gaped in astonishment as the scene began to zoom out.
The vision unfolds, revealing a bustling metropolitan city where skyscrapers touch the clouds and neon lights paint the night. The girl saw herself in a penthouse that overlooked the entire city, its floor-to-ceiling windows offering an unobstructed view.
Her wardrobe was filled with couture from the world's top designers, every piece unique. A fleet of luxury cars, from vintage classics to the latest electric hypercars, awaited her in a private garage. At her beck and call, personal chefs from around the globe prepared delectable meals, and exclusive parties in her honor were the talk of the town. Every corner of her life was dipped in gold and glitter, a testament to the limitless affluence she commanded.
The image version of Ebony flicked her wrist, and an ice cream cone appeared in her hands. The real Ebony stared starstruck at the hallucination as it finally began to fade back into oblivion.
Arceus finally spoke. “This is what I would like to offer you. The powers of a deity, and the lifestyle of your choosing. You may have anything you want, and you may help whoever you’d like with it.”
Ebony was speechless, though some tears began pooling in pure joy. As her gaze shifted to the other pool of energy on the right, it began glowing an angry red. Arceus released a deep sigh.
“Even gods such as I must submit to essential laws of the universe. One such law is the conservation of energy. If I am to give you something of this nature, that adds lots of positivity to our world. However, too much positive energy is as dangerous as negative energy, and I must balance it out to keep existence in homeostasis,” Arceus rambled with a heavy voice.
“However, given I am Creation itself, I am able to…’fudge the numbers,’ as you humans might put it,” Arceus said optimistically, as the circle of energy on the right began to morph into an image.
Amidst the joyful chaos of a sunlit playground, a little girl in a yellow sundress chases after a butterfly, her laughter filling the air. But as she skips over a protruding tree root, her foot catches, sending her tumbling onto the grassy patch. The world slows for a moment as onlookers gasp. She sits up, dazed, her wide eyes finally settling on the faint red scrape blooming on her knee, a pinch of pain spreading over it. The little girl’s painful expression quickly morphed into one of relief, as the injury was extremely minor.
The image began to fade into oblivion, and Arceus looked back up at Ebony, a smug expression on the divine being’s face.
“So?” Arceus prodded. “Will you take the deal?”
Ebony squared her shoulders and responded without hesitation. She shuddered, remembering the amount of pain a scratch could induce as she empathized with the little girl. She couldn’t put someone else through that kind of suffering.
“No.”
“What?”
“I said no.”
“B-but…do you realize the amount of people you could help with your influence? Do you realize what you are turning down?” Arceus sputtered in pure disbelief. “All at the cost of a scratch; one that would probably be dealt with using a bandage…”
Ebony’s gaze hardened as she set her jaw. “Yes. I will not give a child unnecessary pain. Thank you for your offer, but that is final.”
Arceus was flabbergasted.
“If you wish, child,” Arceus replied. “But since I cannot offer you anything you want, how about a word with my counterpart.”
From the inky blackness, a churning vortex of distortion emerged, spiraling and growing, swallowing the light. As the atmosphere thickened with tension, a deafening roar, ancient and echoing with power, resonated. From the epicenter of the abyss, a gigantic red and black Pokémon emerged, stabbing Ebony with a piercing gaze.
“Say hello to Giratina,” Arceus introduced.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way crossed her arms, ready to face whatever came her way, including the Deity of Chaos.
She didn’t expect to run into him anytime soon, of course.
But that wasn’t what she worried most about. Those same agents of chaos that burned down her hometown were still lurking around Sinnoh. Waiting and watching. She looked back at Char, the poor, innocent creature still sniffing flowers at the side of the road. Sweat had already started pooling around the neck of her shirt.
“Come on, Char,” she said, waving the little lizard up to her side. “The gym’s waiting for us.”
~(0)~
“Name?” the receptionist asked. Only a second ago she’d looked up from her book to the sounds of Ebony’s boots stomping across the lobby floor. An impressed frown settled over her face. Her book went to the counter, forgotten.
Ebony sighed, meeting the eyes of the sultry, sullen man on the front cover. She just had that effect on people. She shuffled in place, arms still crossed from the journey—one eye on the crowd, the other on Char. The charmander hugged close to her boots, little tail flicking sparks across the tile floors.
“Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
“Oh! That’s such a unique name, are you from hoenn?”
Ebony almost wanted to lie. The receptionist was tan and smiley and obviously looking for another Hoennese to chat with. But she could only sigh again, aching for the poor woman’s homesick heart.
“No.”
But the receptionist’s smile didn’t drop. Her hands shot up to cover a faint chuckle, each finger stacked with rings.
“That’s alright! The weather’s nice, but I never liked the people much.”
A loud slam sounded behind Ebony. Just the door, thankfully, but it drew a startled yelp from Char.
The receptionist blinked, leaning over the counter and staring into the charmander’s wide, watering eyes. She hummed, lips pulling into a tight smile.
“Well,” she sighed, “normally I’d ask you to keep your pokemon in their ball until the battle, but yours seems well behaved enough.”
Ebony only nodded in recognition. It was important he was out as backup. Though just as she opened her mouth to mirror that, a boy slid into view. He leaned across the counter, decked out in expensive trainer garb—the thick blue jacket, cap with tag still pinned to the rim, and the shoes, of course, so new they squealed on the tile floor. She knew his type.
“Excuse me, we were talking,” she said, trying to head him off even as he slid nearly in front of her. But he only glanced at her with a derisive scowl.
“Hey, does that mean I could let Ratty out?”
The receptionist’s smile dropped.
“No. What did I say last time?”
He scowled, slapping his hand against the counter, unconcerned with the way he sent the receptionist’s papers scattering—and met Ebony’s bemused stare. She knew immediately what she was looking at: the swirl of chaos lurking behind his eyes.
"Wow," said Ebony, "I thought you were kinda preppy, but now I see you have evil inside you." She brought a sharp black-painted nail to her lips. "That's kinda hot."
"What?" shouted Daemon. He marched right up to the man, his dark emo hair swinging and his crimson orbs flaming with anger. "You better back off right now, prep, or face my wrath. She's mine."
Ebony shrugged and rolled her eyes. Men fighting over her… it sure was a Tuesday!
Suddenly, a dark aura enveloped the man. It was like the internal chaos in his eyes had become external.
"Silence," he said, his voice deep and booming. “I am Kar’tok the Unquenchable, eleventh member of the Pantheon of Anguish. You are the spawn of our leader, Moraleniar, and he has sent me to dispatch you before your powers grow strong enough to overtake him.”
“Kar’tok? Pantheon of Anguish? Moraleniar? These aren’t any demons I’ve heard of,” Ebony said, flicking her gorgeous raven-black hair. “These sound more like creations of that Lovecraft guy we had to read in class, and I heard he was a RACIST NERD!”
“How I appear to you does not matter to me, as long as I inspire terror,” the man continued, his aura of chaotic energy swirling around him. “If you are not yet quivering in fear, perhaps I should assume my real form instead of puppeting this pathetic human.”
“I don’t care about your real form -- actually, do you have tentacles?”
“I have a jillion tentacles.”
“Ah-ha!” Ebony pointed a finger. “A jillion isn’t a real number! I learned that in math class!”
“You’re so smart, Ebony!” shouted Daemon, his pupils taking the shape of hearts.
“Fine, I lied,” said the bad guy. ”I actually have so many tentacles that the amount is incomprehensible to mortal minds.”
“As fascinating as this is,” said Ebony, rubbing her pointy anime chin and using a big word because she was smart, “I’m going to kick your ass now. DEMON POWERS! ACTIVATE!”
She lit up in rainbow flames, but it was actually like a dark rainbow. Imagine every color but like evil and fucked up. That was what the flames surrounding her were like.
“SATANIC RAINBOW BEAM!” she shouted and raised her arm in one swift and sexy motion. Dark light showered the bad guy and he screamed. The beam kept going and made a hole in the hotel wall.
“That’s it,” said the receptionist. “I’m calling the cops.”
“The cops are just preps in blue clothing,” Ebony said wisely. “Let them come.”
“Argh… such power…” groaned the bad guy, lying on the floor, covered in bruises. ”You could have killed me… why did you spare me?”
“So you can tell your little Pantheon of Preps that Ebony Dark’ness does not FUCK AROUND, MOTHER FUCKER!”
“I don’t know,” said Susan in the back row. “I think it would be better to kill him so that he can’t come back stronger later.”
Everybody turned to Susan.
“Did you just question a decision that Ebony made?” Daemon asked in disgust. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
A big sweat droplet appeared on Susan’s forehead. “Uhh, I didn’t mean to --”
“Send her to hell!” screamed Vampyre, who was also there.
“No! Don’t send me to -- aaaghh!”
The earth opened up with an infernal glow underneath Susan’s feet. The hotel lobby heat up to a jillion degrees. Susan screamed as she lost her footing and fell down into the fissure. The earth quickly closed after her, stitching itself closed so that it was like the fissure had never been there.
“Well, anyway,” said Ebony, “it’s about time I get back to my epic Pokémon journey! Daemon! Vampyre! Let’s go!”
“Of course, Ebony! You’re the greatest!” her friends shouted in unison.
Ebony marched out of the hotel and headed for the gym. It was a dragon type gym, the toughest of the types, but she wasn’t worried. Her awesome team was there to back her up.
She reached the gym and kicked the doors open all sexy-like. “I’m here to challenge whoever’s in charge of this gym!”
“That would be me,” shouted a long-haired man from the back. “My name is Draconix, and I am the leader of this gym! Let’s battle!”
"You're on!" shouted Ebony and ran up to the arena. She grabbed an ultra ball from her belt - custom made to have the yellow parts be crimson instead - and threw it into the arena. "Go, Lucifer!"
Lucifer released with a roar from all three mouths. He was a houndeath, a super special ancient evolution of houndoom that had three heads and tails and could only be evolved through a blood ritual - they'd used Susan. On top of that, he was super shiny, a rarer form of being shiny, and this made the houndeath's normally orange parts blood red.
"An impressive Pokémon," said Draconix, "but we'll see how he fares against mine. Go, Haxorus!"
He threw a ball at the arena, and it released a Haxorus. Haxorus is a bipedal Pokémon with a dark, yellow-green covering on its back and most of the front. It has black skin covering its torso, tail tip, and thighs, as well as red talons and claws. Its large tusks, which resemble axe blades, are black and edged in red, and are located on its upper jaw on the side of its mouth. Its medium-sized eyes are red with black pupils. Ridged plate-like skin travels from its back to its head region. It has solid armor and the legs and tail have a dividing line pattern. Its arms are quite small, with three digits, two elliptical triceps and biceps, and circular elbows. Its hands are small and circular with small red claws. Its legs are formidable and strong with three-toed feet with a red talon on each toe.
"Alright, Lucifer, let's earn this Dragon Badge!" shouted Ebony and pointed at the Haxorus. "Attack with Blood Edge!"
Lucifer the bloodbane zoroark, a regional warrant from the Nether Region, sliced open part of his arm with one of his own spikes. Scythe of blood emerged from the wound. He brought it screaming down on the Haxorus, who let out a blood-curdling scream and was promptly knocked out.
Draginn the Dragon-type gym leader stared in shock before shaking his pretty, pretty head. "Fine. You win. Here's your badge." He tossed a dragon-shaped badge to Ebony. She caught it and grinned before looking up at Draggin.
"This is great!But also, mind if we do another sort of battle later?" she stated with a perfectly perfect wink..
Draggin blinked and just kind of stared a little until her hint clicked and he rolled his eyes.
:"Fine. But after that can we get back to what we were REALLY trying to do?"
Ebony let out a perfect giggle. "Sure thing!"
The two went into a back room of the gym. There was a fade to black. The world's steamiest fade to black. Because what Mary Sue doesn't get to court her faves?
Afterwards the two, re-dressed, converged in the main room of the gym, where Lucifer had been waiting this whole time awkwardly.
"What were we doing again?" mentionedDraggin.
:"Fighting Team Sue Police!" exclaimed Ebony.
":Oh right," mentioned Draggin, "Those guys."
"We need to get going," muttered Lucifer. "MY blood craves new victims."
The three ran out of the gym.
----------------
The three eventually reached the Team Sue Police base. There they were having a rally, spectated by a crowd of people a
"The Mary Sue menace needs to be eliminated!" exclaimed the grunt at the podium. "Women and queer people can't have wish fulfillment! That's just preposterous!"
"Stop right there!" yelled Ebony. We won't let you continue your wicked ways any longer!"
"Yeah! What she said!" shouted Draggin.
"Just let me kill them already," muttered Lucifer.
The grunts sent several Pokenmoin in their direction, but Lucifer and Draggin's Haxorus sliced through them with ease. Perfectly of course.
Then, however, came a voice.
"You think you're cute making it this far. But your crimes of Suedom stop here."
A man in thick armor wielding a massive gate walked into view. Ebony, Draggin, and Lucifer snarled in unison.
"So we meet again... Fandom Gatekeeper."
The gatekeeper took a few seconds to bask in the moment, staring the trio down with relish. Finally, he’d tracked them down. They wouldn’t be allowed to escape this time.
“I expect you think you’re going to weasel your way out of this with some sort of contrived, overpowered nonsense,” the gatekeeper said, his voice low, yet still reverberating off the rugged hills surrounding them.
“Ha! We beat your ass last time and we’ll do it again!” Draggin exclaimed, thrusting a fist into the air.
“You’ll never stop us from fulfilling the prophecy—your evil powers are no match here!” Ebony proclaimed, giving her hair a dramatic swish.
“You’re going to die,” Lucifer said quietly as he sharpened his daggers. “We’re the good guys.”
The gatekeeper slowly raised his helmet’s visor, eyes burning like bright coals.
“This is why I loathe you three,” he snarled with cold fury. “You think that you can do whatever you want, just because you’re the protagonists? You think that makes you the heroes?!”
“Uhhh, excuse me Mr. Gatekeeper dude, did you miss the part where I saved that town and they made me their queen?” Ebony asked with a laugh.
“You ‘saved’ them from an ugliness epidemic.”
“Ugh. Well somebody had to,” Ebony quipped with another hair twirl.
For several seconds, no one moved. Then the gatekeeper lowered his visor, lifted his gate-staff, and pointed it straight at her as it thrummed with an energy that vibrated everything in the valley. Ebony stared back, defiant, already preparing a counterspell with the Ring of Destiny. The gatekeeper’s attack fired in a piercing black beam laced with glowing red chains. Ebony prepared to raise a magical barrier, but then—
“Nooooooooooo!”
Draggin dove dramatically in the way! Ebony stared, aghast, as the chains wrapped around him, turning his legendary sword and fashionable clothing to ashes.
“Draggin, my love!” Enoby wept. She then turned to the gatekeeper and snarled, “You monster!”
The gatekeeper stared back, dispassionate. “None of you had to work for anything. Everyone you meet falls over themselves, worshiping you!”
Lucifer hurled a pair of daggers his way, but the gatekeeper stepped aside, firing the gate-staff again, striking Lucifer in the heart and making him collapse dramatically. The dark, moody colors ran from his hair, reverting to an utterly boring brown. He reached for his magic gun, but it dissolved into nothing but iron sand.
“Lucifer, my other love!” Ebony shrieked.
The gatekeeper pointed sharply at him. “Lucifer slaughtered the innocent, and everyone forgave him just because he was hot!”
“Uh, chyeah. What else did you expect?” Lucifer asked dully.
“He has a beautiful tormented soul,” Ebony sobbed. “ You can see it in his amber wolf’s eyes!”
“Not anymore.”
Ebony’s eyes went wide, and she stared into Lucifer’s. A fresh wave of sobs broke out as she discovered his eyes were now utterly dull and unremarkable.
“Why are you doing this?!” she screamed. “What do you want?!”
The gatekeeper lowered his head ever so slightly. “All I want is for my home to be free from your corrupting influence.” Then he fired one last beam, and it struck true.
Ebony felt her body turn rigid, her vision swimming with all the colors her hair had been throughout her journey. Then, everything went dark…
---
She awoke slumped over a desk, head resting on a stack of textbooks. She blinked drearily, wiping her eyes as she took a moment to figure out where she was. A classroom? A… math classroom. No way… this couldn’t…
Was everything before, her entire quest… a dream?
Tears pricked the corners of Ebony’s eyes. She held her trembling hands in front of her face, no longer able to conjure any magic at all.
No no no, this couldn’t be happening, no!!
Despair washed over her. Total, crushing despair. Draggin, Lucifer, she’d never see them again. She’d never fulfill the prophecy and save the world, never unravel the secret of her ancient, cursed lineage, never—
And then her eyes slid to the ring on her right hand, glinting under the fluorescent light.
She still had the Ring of Destiny. So then… everything must have been reset somehow. Reverted back to a boring ordinary state, with only that one small reminder of what had once been.
A wave of confused, tormented feelings flooded her mind as she reached out to touch the ring’s gem, as if to confirm that it was really there. It didn’t sparkle like it used to. Its power was gone. It was… ordinary.
Just like her.
---
In another world, the gatekeeper heaved a sigh of relief, shedding his armor and weapons at last. The nightmare was finally over.
The following authors wrote for this corpse:
canisaries
Sinderella
Umbra
tomatorade
Junebug44
Chibi Pika
Sinderella
Umbra
tomatorade
Junebug44
Chibi Pika
This one's really classic, folks. Enjoy.
Thousand Roads' Exquisite Corpse 2023
Mary Sue I
Part 1
I’m going to do it. I’m going to write today.
However, when our gracious Lord and Savior Arceus sat down at his typewriter, the words would not come.
It was quite ridiculous. He had created the heavens. He had created the earth. He had created the wind, the sea, and everything in-between.
So why the fuck was it so hard to write a godsdamned fanfiction?
Slamming his long, narrow snout into his keyboard, he groaned to himself. “Good grief,” he whined, “how is it that humans do this so much?”
When he had first created man, he’d been gracious enough to allow them the freedom to do mostly as they pleased, and they did well in making do. Inventing the wheel, discovering fire, creating an alphabet (those nifty Phoenicians were really onto something there!). Of course, out of the alphabet came the ability to write, and out of the ability to write came storytelling. Sweet, sweet storytelling. The things these humans came up with boggled Arceus’ mind. So much so that as time traveled on, he became invested in many of the tales they told. The things they wrote down. It was invigorating, and fun even.
Except, of course, when he came across a tale that didn’t run its course correctly. Despite the fact humans were as creative as they were, many had the absolute audacity to come up with a fantastic idea and completely shoot it to shit by doing something asinine with it. Sometimes it was making the characters do something ridiculous. Sometimes it ended on an awful note. There were a few times where they’d even kill off their beloved characters just for the hell of it. What even was that?
From that very trouble, though, came the peak evolution of storytelling: fanfiction.
Arceus had figured he’d only given Pokemon the ability to evolve so quickly and beautifully, but the humans never ceased to surprise him.
And now, he wanted to indulge in such an art form. It had taken him a while, but he’d eventually decided that writing fanfiction about the very race he’d created, humans, was the way to go. While he had been alright with giving them a free run of everything, there were times where he wished they just…wouldn’t. So, what better way to spend his day than coming up with some self-indulgent human fanfiction? It sounded like a great time!
Of course, until he had to come up with a character to write about.
Arceus had seen every kind of character there could be. Years and years of watching humans live and breathe gave him an excellent grasp on what made a human “human.” This had to be why coming up with a character to follow just struck him as tedious, and even boring. He’d seen it all. What would be exciting and new?
As he thought about it, something occurred to him. Every type of human was inherently flawed, but there had never been an inherently unflawed human.
As the thought occurred to him, he grinned. There was an idea.
Write about the most perfectly perfect human to exist. That would certainly be something to behold.
But…what could a perfect human do? Yes, there were humans that thought they were perfect, but they never actually were. How would they–no–-the entirety of the imperfect human race stand up to a flawless character? How would they react? What would come of it?
Then, another thought came to him. Why sit there and ponder it, when he could simply…make it happen? He had the ability to, and what was using his powers for a little bit of creative inspiration when he’d already birthed the entire universe? Child’s play, really.
With that, he stood up and got to work crafting his masterpiece.
It took about a day. Most of it was just ensuring he got the proportions right. But there wasn’t much to creating a perfect human, because they were, well…perfect. No flaws to worry about shoving into the genes, just straight flawlessness.
He took the time to meticulously craft her ebony black hair with red tips and purple streaks (making sure it reached the middle of her back, of course), and he ensured her eyes were as blue as limpid tears. Certainly a lot of people would tell her she looked like Amy Lee, lead singer of the goth rock band Evanescence (and if they didn’t know who that was, they’d need to get the hell out). In a spur of the moment decision, he decided to make her a vampire, but her teeth would remain perfectly straight and white, to of course match her pale white skin.
When it was all said and done, he took a step back to admire his handiwork. It was perfect. She was perfect.
She’d wreak havoc on everything.
“Hello, child,” Arceus greeted. “I am Arceus.”
“Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way,” she said.
Sinderella
Part 2
She beamed a dazzling smile, practically blowing god away with her angelic aura, emphasizing the irony of her second middle name.
“I was told you had something for me,” Ebony continued, tilting her head quizzically.
Arceus looked down in amusement, impressed with the grit of the child.
“That I do, child.” Arceus boomed, pulsing with energy, looming above her. The expansive void surrounding them was silent for a caesura.
“You have been chosen as a testament to your honesty and good spirit, young one. As your creator, I decided that you will be sufficiently rewarded for your identity.”
Arceus paused once more, allowing Ebony to respond.
She shifted her feet in excitement, eyes brightening like a child at a toy store. “Thank you, Arceus!”
Arceus rumbled in approval at her gratitude and began glowing white. A cesspool of energy began collecting in front of Arceus, splitting up into two vivid vortexes of aura.
Ebony observed them carefully. The one on the left began shifting color, a gentle green hue shimmering across as wisps of energy began forming shapes. Suddenly, Ebony was able to recognize what she was seeing, and it was herself. In the image, she wore a smile broader than she had ever seen in a mirror, and Ebony gaped in astonishment as the scene began to zoom out.
The vision unfolds, revealing a bustling metropolitan city where skyscrapers touch the clouds and neon lights paint the night. The girl saw herself in a penthouse that overlooked the entire city, its floor-to-ceiling windows offering an unobstructed view.
Her wardrobe was filled with couture from the world's top designers, every piece unique. A fleet of luxury cars, from vintage classics to the latest electric hypercars, awaited her in a private garage. At her beck and call, personal chefs from around the globe prepared delectable meals, and exclusive parties in her honor were the talk of the town. Every corner of her life was dipped in gold and glitter, a testament to the limitless affluence she commanded.
The image version of Ebony flicked her wrist, and an ice cream cone appeared in her hands. The real Ebony stared starstruck at the hallucination as it finally began to fade back into oblivion.
Arceus finally spoke. “This is what I would like to offer you. The powers of a deity, and the lifestyle of your choosing. You may have anything you want, and you may help whoever you’d like with it.”
Ebony was speechless, though some tears began pooling in pure joy. As her gaze shifted to the other pool of energy on the right, it began glowing an angry red. Arceus released a deep sigh.
“Even gods such as I must submit to essential laws of the universe. One such law is the conservation of energy. If I am to give you something of this nature, that adds lots of positivity to our world. However, too much positive energy is as dangerous as negative energy, and I must balance it out to keep existence in homeostasis,” Arceus rambled with a heavy voice.
“However, given I am Creation itself, I am able to…’fudge the numbers,’ as you humans might put it,” Arceus said optimistically, as the circle of energy on the right began to morph into an image.
Amidst the joyful chaos of a sunlit playground, a little girl in a yellow sundress chases after a butterfly, her laughter filling the air. But as she skips over a protruding tree root, her foot catches, sending her tumbling onto the grassy patch. The world slows for a moment as onlookers gasp. She sits up, dazed, her wide eyes finally settling on the faint red scrape blooming on her knee, a pinch of pain spreading over it. The little girl’s painful expression quickly morphed into one of relief, as the injury was extremely minor.
The image began to fade into oblivion, and Arceus looked back up at Ebony, a smug expression on the divine being’s face.
“So?” Arceus prodded. “Will you take the deal?”
Ebony squared her shoulders and responded without hesitation. She shuddered, remembering the amount of pain a scratch could induce as she empathized with the little girl. She couldn’t put someone else through that kind of suffering.
“No.”
“What?”
“I said no.”
“B-but…do you realize the amount of people you could help with your influence? Do you realize what you are turning down?” Arceus sputtered in pure disbelief. “All at the cost of a scratch; one that would probably be dealt with using a bandage…”
Ebony’s gaze hardened as she set her jaw. “Yes. I will not give a child unnecessary pain. Thank you for your offer, but that is final.”
Arceus was flabbergasted.
“If you wish, child,” Arceus replied. “But since I cannot offer you anything you want, how about a word with my counterpart.”
From the inky blackness, a churning vortex of distortion emerged, spiraling and growing, swallowing the light. As the atmosphere thickened with tension, a deafening roar, ancient and echoing with power, resonated. From the epicenter of the abyss, a gigantic red and black Pokémon emerged, stabbing Ebony with a piercing gaze.
“Say hello to Giratina,” Arceus introduced.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way crossed her arms, ready to face whatever came her way, including the Deity of Chaos.
Junebug44
Part 3
She didn’t expect to run into him anytime soon, of course.
But that wasn’t what she worried most about. Those same agents of chaos that burned down her hometown were still lurking around Sinnoh. Waiting and watching. She looked back at Char, the poor, innocent creature still sniffing flowers at the side of the road. Sweat had already started pooling around the neck of her shirt.
“Come on, Char,” she said, waving the little lizard up to her side. “The gym’s waiting for us.”
~(0)~
“Name?” the receptionist asked. Only a second ago she’d looked up from her book to the sounds of Ebony’s boots stomping across the lobby floor. An impressed frown settled over her face. Her book went to the counter, forgotten.
Ebony sighed, meeting the eyes of the sultry, sullen man on the front cover. She just had that effect on people. She shuffled in place, arms still crossed from the journey—one eye on the crowd, the other on Char. The charmander hugged close to her boots, little tail flicking sparks across the tile floors.
“Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
“Oh! That’s such a unique name, are you from hoenn?”
Ebony almost wanted to lie. The receptionist was tan and smiley and obviously looking for another Hoennese to chat with. But she could only sigh again, aching for the poor woman’s homesick heart.
“No.”
But the receptionist’s smile didn’t drop. Her hands shot up to cover a faint chuckle, each finger stacked with rings.
“That’s alright! The weather’s nice, but I never liked the people much.”
A loud slam sounded behind Ebony. Just the door, thankfully, but it drew a startled yelp from Char.
The receptionist blinked, leaning over the counter and staring into the charmander’s wide, watering eyes. She hummed, lips pulling into a tight smile.
“Well,” she sighed, “normally I’d ask you to keep your pokemon in their ball until the battle, but yours seems well behaved enough.”
Ebony only nodded in recognition. It was important he was out as backup. Though just as she opened her mouth to mirror that, a boy slid into view. He leaned across the counter, decked out in expensive trainer garb—the thick blue jacket, cap with tag still pinned to the rim, and the shoes, of course, so new they squealed on the tile floor. She knew his type.
“Excuse me, we were talking,” she said, trying to head him off even as he slid nearly in front of her. But he only glanced at her with a derisive scowl.
“Hey, does that mean I could let Ratty out?”
The receptionist’s smile dropped.
“No. What did I say last time?”
He scowled, slapping his hand against the counter, unconcerned with the way he sent the receptionist’s papers scattering—and met Ebony’s bemused stare. She knew immediately what she was looking at: the swirl of chaos lurking behind his eyes.
tomatorade
Part 4
"Wow," said Ebony, "I thought you were kinda preppy, but now I see you have evil inside you." She brought a sharp black-painted nail to her lips. "That's kinda hot."
"What?" shouted Daemon. He marched right up to the man, his dark emo hair swinging and his crimson orbs flaming with anger. "You better back off right now, prep, or face my wrath. She's mine."
Ebony shrugged and rolled her eyes. Men fighting over her… it sure was a Tuesday!
Suddenly, a dark aura enveloped the man. It was like the internal chaos in his eyes had become external.
"Silence," he said, his voice deep and booming. “I am Kar’tok the Unquenchable, eleventh member of the Pantheon of Anguish. You are the spawn of our leader, Moraleniar, and he has sent me to dispatch you before your powers grow strong enough to overtake him.”
“Kar’tok? Pantheon of Anguish? Moraleniar? These aren’t any demons I’ve heard of,” Ebony said, flicking her gorgeous raven-black hair. “These sound more like creations of that Lovecraft guy we had to read in class, and I heard he was a RACIST NERD!”
“How I appear to you does not matter to me, as long as I inspire terror,” the man continued, his aura of chaotic energy swirling around him. “If you are not yet quivering in fear, perhaps I should assume my real form instead of puppeting this pathetic human.”
“I don’t care about your real form -- actually, do you have tentacles?”
“I have a jillion tentacles.”
“Ah-ha!” Ebony pointed a finger. “A jillion isn’t a real number! I learned that in math class!”
“You’re so smart, Ebony!” shouted Daemon, his pupils taking the shape of hearts.
“Fine, I lied,” said the bad guy. ”I actually have so many tentacles that the amount is incomprehensible to mortal minds.”
“As fascinating as this is,” said Ebony, rubbing her pointy anime chin and using a big word because she was smart, “I’m going to kick your ass now. DEMON POWERS! ACTIVATE!”
She lit up in rainbow flames, but it was actually like a dark rainbow. Imagine every color but like evil and fucked up. That was what the flames surrounding her were like.
“SATANIC RAINBOW BEAM!” she shouted and raised her arm in one swift and sexy motion. Dark light showered the bad guy and he screamed. The beam kept going and made a hole in the hotel wall.
“That’s it,” said the receptionist. “I’m calling the cops.”
“The cops are just preps in blue clothing,” Ebony said wisely. “Let them come.”
“Argh… such power…” groaned the bad guy, lying on the floor, covered in bruises. ”You could have killed me… why did you spare me?”
“So you can tell your little Pantheon of Preps that Ebony Dark’ness does not FUCK AROUND, MOTHER FUCKER!”
“I don’t know,” said Susan in the back row. “I think it would be better to kill him so that he can’t come back stronger later.”
Everybody turned to Susan.
“Did you just question a decision that Ebony made?” Daemon asked in disgust. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
A big sweat droplet appeared on Susan’s forehead. “Uhh, I didn’t mean to --”
“Send her to hell!” screamed Vampyre, who was also there.
“No! Don’t send me to -- aaaghh!”
The earth opened up with an infernal glow underneath Susan’s feet. The hotel lobby heat up to a jillion degrees. Susan screamed as she lost her footing and fell down into the fissure. The earth quickly closed after her, stitching itself closed so that it was like the fissure had never been there.
“Well, anyway,” said Ebony, “it’s about time I get back to my epic Pokémon journey! Daemon! Vampyre! Let’s go!”
“Of course, Ebony! You’re the greatest!” her friends shouted in unison.
Ebony marched out of the hotel and headed for the gym. It was a dragon type gym, the toughest of the types, but she wasn’t worried. Her awesome team was there to back her up.
She reached the gym and kicked the doors open all sexy-like. “I’m here to challenge whoever’s in charge of this gym!”
“That would be me,” shouted a long-haired man from the back. “My name is Draconix, and I am the leader of this gym! Let’s battle!”
"You're on!" shouted Ebony and ran up to the arena. She grabbed an ultra ball from her belt - custom made to have the yellow parts be crimson instead - and threw it into the arena. "Go, Lucifer!"
Lucifer released with a roar from all three mouths. He was a houndeath, a super special ancient evolution of houndoom that had three heads and tails and could only be evolved through a blood ritual - they'd used Susan. On top of that, he was super shiny, a rarer form of being shiny, and this made the houndeath's normally orange parts blood red.
"An impressive Pokémon," said Draconix, "but we'll see how he fares against mine. Go, Haxorus!"
He threw a ball at the arena, and it released a Haxorus. Haxorus is a bipedal Pokémon with a dark, yellow-green covering on its back and most of the front. It has black skin covering its torso, tail tip, and thighs, as well as red talons and claws. Its large tusks, which resemble axe blades, are black and edged in red, and are located on its upper jaw on the side of its mouth. Its medium-sized eyes are red with black pupils. Ridged plate-like skin travels from its back to its head region. It has solid armor and the legs and tail have a dividing line pattern. Its arms are quite small, with three digits, two elliptical triceps and biceps, and circular elbows. Its hands are small and circular with small red claws. Its legs are formidable and strong with three-toed feet with a red talon on each toe.
"Alright, Lucifer, let's earn this Dragon Badge!" shouted Ebony and pointed at the Haxorus. "Attack with Blood Edge!"
canisaries
Part 5
Lucifer the bloodbane zoroark, a regional warrant from the Nether Region, sliced open part of his arm with one of his own spikes. Scythe of blood emerged from the wound. He brought it screaming down on the Haxorus, who let out a blood-curdling scream and was promptly knocked out.
Draginn the Dragon-type gym leader stared in shock before shaking his pretty, pretty head. "Fine. You win. Here's your badge." He tossed a dragon-shaped badge to Ebony. She caught it and grinned before looking up at Draggin.
"This is great!But also, mind if we do another sort of battle later?" she stated with a perfectly perfect wink..
Draggin blinked and just kind of stared a little until her hint clicked and he rolled his eyes.
:"Fine. But after that can we get back to what we were REALLY trying to do?"
Ebony let out a perfect giggle. "Sure thing!"
The two went into a back room of the gym. There was a fade to black. The world's steamiest fade to black. Because what Mary Sue doesn't get to court her faves?
Afterwards the two, re-dressed, converged in the main room of the gym, where Lucifer had been waiting this whole time awkwardly.
"What were we doing again?" mentionedDraggin.
:"Fighting Team Sue Police!" exclaimed Ebony.
":Oh right," mentioned Draggin, "Those guys."
"We need to get going," muttered Lucifer. "MY blood craves new victims."
The three ran out of the gym.
----------------
The three eventually reached the Team Sue Police base. There they were having a rally, spectated by a crowd of people a
"The Mary Sue menace needs to be eliminated!" exclaimed the grunt at the podium. "Women and queer people can't have wish fulfillment! That's just preposterous!"
"Stop right there!" yelled Ebony. We won't let you continue your wicked ways any longer!"
"Yeah! What she said!" shouted Draggin.
"Just let me kill them already," muttered Lucifer.
The grunts sent several Pokenmoin in their direction, but Lucifer and Draggin's Haxorus sliced through them with ease. Perfectly of course.
Then, however, came a voice.
"You think you're cute making it this far. But your crimes of Suedom stop here."
A man in thick armor wielding a massive gate walked into view. Ebony, Draggin, and Lucifer snarled in unison.
"So we meet again... Fandom Gatekeeper."
Umbra
Part 6
The gatekeeper took a few seconds to bask in the moment, staring the trio down with relish. Finally, he’d tracked them down. They wouldn’t be allowed to escape this time.
“I expect you think you’re going to weasel your way out of this with some sort of contrived, overpowered nonsense,” the gatekeeper said, his voice low, yet still reverberating off the rugged hills surrounding them.
“Ha! We beat your ass last time and we’ll do it again!” Draggin exclaimed, thrusting a fist into the air.
“You’ll never stop us from fulfilling the prophecy—your evil powers are no match here!” Ebony proclaimed, giving her hair a dramatic swish.
“You’re going to die,” Lucifer said quietly as he sharpened his daggers. “We’re the good guys.”
The gatekeeper slowly raised his helmet’s visor, eyes burning like bright coals.
“This is why I loathe you three,” he snarled with cold fury. “You think that you can do whatever you want, just because you’re the protagonists? You think that makes you the heroes?!”
“Uhhh, excuse me Mr. Gatekeeper dude, did you miss the part where I saved that town and they made me their queen?” Ebony asked with a laugh.
“You ‘saved’ them from an ugliness epidemic.”
“Ugh. Well somebody had to,” Ebony quipped with another hair twirl.
For several seconds, no one moved. Then the gatekeeper lowered his visor, lifted his gate-staff, and pointed it straight at her as it thrummed with an energy that vibrated everything in the valley. Ebony stared back, defiant, already preparing a counterspell with the Ring of Destiny. The gatekeeper’s attack fired in a piercing black beam laced with glowing red chains. Ebony prepared to raise a magical barrier, but then—
“Nooooooooooo!”
Draggin dove dramatically in the way! Ebony stared, aghast, as the chains wrapped around him, turning his legendary sword and fashionable clothing to ashes.
“Draggin, my love!” Enoby wept. She then turned to the gatekeeper and snarled, “You monster!”
The gatekeeper stared back, dispassionate. “None of you had to work for anything. Everyone you meet falls over themselves, worshiping you!”
Lucifer hurled a pair of daggers his way, but the gatekeeper stepped aside, firing the gate-staff again, striking Lucifer in the heart and making him collapse dramatically. The dark, moody colors ran from his hair, reverting to an utterly boring brown. He reached for his magic gun, but it dissolved into nothing but iron sand.
“Lucifer, my other love!” Ebony shrieked.
The gatekeeper pointed sharply at him. “Lucifer slaughtered the innocent, and everyone forgave him just because he was hot!”
“Uh, chyeah. What else did you expect?” Lucifer asked dully.
“He has a beautiful tormented soul,” Ebony sobbed. “ You can see it in his amber wolf’s eyes!”
“Not anymore.”
Ebony’s eyes went wide, and she stared into Lucifer’s. A fresh wave of sobs broke out as she discovered his eyes were now utterly dull and unremarkable.
“Why are you doing this?!” she screamed. “What do you want?!”
The gatekeeper lowered his head ever so slightly. “All I want is for my home to be free from your corrupting influence.” Then he fired one last beam, and it struck true.
Ebony felt her body turn rigid, her vision swimming with all the colors her hair had been throughout her journey. Then, everything went dark…
---
She awoke slumped over a desk, head resting on a stack of textbooks. She blinked drearily, wiping her eyes as she took a moment to figure out where she was. A classroom? A… math classroom. No way… this couldn’t…
Was everything before, her entire quest… a dream?
Tears pricked the corners of Ebony’s eyes. She held her trembling hands in front of her face, no longer able to conjure any magic at all.
No no no, this couldn’t be happening, no!!
Despair washed over her. Total, crushing despair. Draggin, Lucifer, she’d never see them again. She’d never fulfill the prophecy and save the world, never unravel the secret of her ancient, cursed lineage, never—
And then her eyes slid to the ring on her right hand, glinting under the fluorescent light.
She still had the Ring of Destiny. So then… everything must have been reset somehow. Reverted back to a boring ordinary state, with only that one small reminder of what had once been.
A wave of confused, tormented feelings flooded her mind as she reached out to touch the ring’s gem, as if to confirm that it was really there. It didn’t sparkle like it used to. Its power was gone. It was… ordinary.
Just like her.
---
In another world, the gatekeeper heaved a sigh of relief, shedding his armor and weapons at last. The nightmare was finally over.
Chibi Pika