Welcome to our second heist exquisite corpse for 2023, and the last to be posted for the 2023 season! Our writers have put together a thrilling tale of high-stakes thievery and thrilling action (and cats!), with just as many twists and turns as you'd expect from an exquisite corpse. Our crack team of master criminals numbered seven:
The authors of each individual section are under spoilers in case you'd like to try and guess who wrote what!
Thanks to everyone who wrote for this corpse, and to Bench for running it! This one turned out great, and I hope everyone enjoys reading the completed story.
Part One
Several Pokemon were crowded into Paldea’s Situation Room, the air thick with tension.
“I’ll cut straight to the point, gentlemon: we’ve got a pasta gap on our handlebars,” King Koraidon said, steepling his claws atop a thick layer of documents on the table. “If we don’t do something fast, we’re all going to be speaking Kantonese next year.”
Agent Spidops scratched her head. “Um, your majesty, are you sure they even have pasta in Kanto? I’m pretty sure they just have like, berries and rare candy to eat there. Maybe donuts.”
“I’m talking about creepypasta,” Koraidon snarled. “You can’t ride through a single yard sale in Kanto without tripping over a box full of cursed Game Boy cartridges! The kind where all the NPCs keep using your real name and where Pokemon die instead of fainting, and by the time you get to Lavender Town, you can’t shut off the game and your eyes are starting to bleed! And according to our intel, they’ve started stockpiling haunted FireRed and LeafGreen carts too, which theoretically have a thousand times as much thermo-spookular power! But have you ever heard of even one demonically possessed Scarlet or Violet disc? NO!” Koraidon slammed the table.
“At any moment, President Mew could press that big red button of hers and have long-range Fearow bombers drop creepypasta carts down every Paldean chimney, and there’s nothing we could do to retaliate! So far we’ve managed to pass off our glitches like Wattrel clipping into walls and horrible body-mangling emotes as the result of creepypasta phenomena, but the ruse is starting to wear thin.”
“But – why would the Kantonese want to attack us? We’re allies with them, right?” Agent Farigiraf asked, hesitantly peeking out through gaps in his tail-head’s clenched teeth.
His king’s face was grim. “The Kantonese despise our culture. They deride our Terastallization as a cheap gimmick worse than even Z-moves or Dynamaxxing, and they view our Team Star as utterly pathetic compared to their own ‘actually evil’ evil team. Moreover, they think that eggs should only be made behind the closed doors of daycare centers, and see our practice of having open-air picnics as utterly obscene.”
“You mean they’d outlaw picnics if they took over?”
“Worse… they’d outlaw sandwiches.”
Everyone gasped in horror. “What are we going to do!? I need to eat a big ‘herba mystica’ sandwich every day to unwind! I paid top pokedollar to get a doctor’s prescription for that!” Agent Meowscarada wailed.
“There’s only one option: Deep in the basement of the Lavender Town Pokemon Tower, there’s a vault containing hundreds of Kanto’s most potent creepypasta cartridges. A team of our best secret agents – that’s you guys – will have to break in and steal enough carts to balance out the ‘pasta gap. It won’t be easy. Since Dig isn’t a field move for us, you can’t just burrow in. You’ll have to traverse all five sublevels of the tower basement before making it to the vault, each with a more dangerous security measure then the last.”
“That sounds difficult. Couldn’t we just hit up those yard sales you were talking about?” Agent Spidops asked.
“No! The exchange rate between Paldean and Kantonese Pokedollars is terrible right now. You’d have to pay about twenty grand just to get your claws on a barely-haunted Red Version that won’t even kill you if you die in the game. Total rip-off. Besides, those creepypasta vendors always mysteriously disappear after you buy their product. Terrible customer service. There’s no option but to brave the vault and its horrible dangers that will probably kill all but one of you. Now, pay attention.” Koraidon clicked a button on a remote, and a projector screen lowered from the ceiling.
“The Pokemon Tower basement has five levels. Level one is filled to the brim with random encounters. You can’t take a single step without getting swarmed by a dozen Zubat. And before one of you wise-guys asks, no, you can’t just buy a bunch of repels. We don’t have the budget for that.”
“Next, on level two there’s a maze of those floor tiles that make you spin around while traveling in a straight line until you hit something. Worse, there’s teleporter tiles that will take you right back to the start if you make the slightest mistake. By the time you’ve managed to find the three keycards needed to access the next floor, you won’t be in any mood for eating sandwiches.”
“Level three is where things start getting really tough. It’s a short corridor that you can’t get through without passing a desk guarded by a single officer. If you try to walk past him, he’ll politely but firmly ask you to turn back. Our only clue for how to bypass him is an intercepted radio message where he complains about being thirsty.”
“On level four, there’s nothing but an electronically-locked door and fifteen trash cans, two of which contain switches that will open the door. If the first switch is in an odd-numbered trash can, the second switch will be in the can numbered fifteen modulus the number of letters in your mother’s maiden name, plus three if it’s currently raining in Hau'oli City, multiplied by the last digit of the date you first realized your own mortality, minus the seventh digit of the last palindromic prime in the decimal representation of the ninety-ninth term of the Busy Bidoof sequence. Arceus help you if the first switch is in an even-numbered can.”
“The final level of the basement contains six Mewtwo clones, each wielding an Action Replay in both hands. Get past them and you’ll still have to break into the creepypasta vault, which has walls made of those little trees that you need to use Cut on – a move which no Paldean Pokemon can learn even if field moves were still a thing for us, not to mention you’d need a Cascade Badge for that, too.”
Part Two
“Okay, I thiiink I have it… except for the part where like… all of it?”
Floragato was understanding less and less by the second. He was just in this for a quick buck. How hard could a bank robbery be?
“Oh, no worries,” laughed Purugly #2. Purugly #1 stood right next to her, his face grim. “We’ll write it down for you! I’m sure you’ll figure it out as you go.”
The laughter sounded fake. Her eyes read stone cold, just as grim as her partner. It put Floragato off.
Robberies were supposed to be simple. Scratch that, actually, they were simple if you wanted to tell the tale. You walked in, you threatened to blow the place up, you stole a couple bars of gold, and the bank tellers didn’t stop you because you never stole enough for it to be more than a cost of doing business. Lord knew those oil barons could spare a few diamonds here and there.
And most importantly, you never hit the same bank twice! You gave it at least a couple months, a year if you were smart. He hadn’t realised until he was too far in that the bank they’d contracted him to rob had been one he’d robbed just a couple weeks ago, and now it was too late to back out. He was a total coward and could tell the drooling granbull who was accompanying their purugly masters was just looking for a reason to chew him out. Literally.
From what he knew of the two purugly standing in front of him, they would have no qualms sending their guard dog after someone who yanked their cord.
They were on the ledge of a mountain, overseeing the town from a distance. The place wasn’t very well-developed at all, though no towns this far out were. It barely had a main street, let alone paved roads. But a town that small knew where its weaknesses were, and it was paradoxically well-patrolled. And the strange thing was that he knew it hadn’t been before. Something had changed, and he figured it was connected to the heist he’d been contracted for.
But he’d dug his ditch. It was time to lay in it.
At least he could be iconic. He pulled his hat with a large red feather from the belt around his waist. How many newspapers could he make the front page of this time?
“Well,” he said, putting on his best business face. “I may not know all the details, but no robbery has escaped my clutches before. I assure you, by tonight you will have your jewels.”
“Excellent!” exclaimed Purugly #2. “We’ll meet you there.”
She left without explaining what “there” was. He tried to ask. He got nothing but a cryptic “You’ll seeee!”
He’d had stranger clients. But something unnerved him about this.
---
Adjust boots. Silent prowl. Straighten hat. Stealthy like the night. Sword? Check. Feather? Check. One glorious, caped, clawed robber? Double check. Sheath claws. Eyes on target. Begin mission.
He hopped, skipped, and sneaked his way down to the town. Over guards who were just about as smart as hired muscle would buy, which usually meant not at all, along the roofs of buildings that really needed some TLC, and down into a tunnel he’d had an eager, foolish lillipup dig for him earlier that day. It went all the way under the saloon, through the street, and into the backs of the vaults, where he knew there was a weak spot the corrupt contractor hadn’t patched through in order to cut costs on.
Honestly, for “the most secure bank in the west”, this was one of the easiest breakins he’d pulled off in a while. Security was far more than just armed muscle.
But as he leaned in to crack the lock of the vault, his cape swooshing behind him, he failed to realise the figures sneaking in behind him.
“Halt! You’re under arrest.”
Floragato whipped around in horror, looking at the many guards and lights in the vault pointed at him, and among them were both Purugly—he’d been swindled!
“See?” purred Purugly #1 with that same unnerving, cold-eyed grin. “We told you we’d meet you there.”
Part Three
Floragato gritted his teeth, glaring daggers at the twin Purugly in front of him. Dazzling lights blared around him.
He was completely surrounded.
Fear crept up his spine as he saw the two felines advance towards him. Floragato clenched their paws, before bursting into a fit of nervous laughter.
The advancing Purugly suddenly halted in their advances, tilting their heads in confusion.
Floragato titled his head to the left, following the motion of the two Purugly. He then flicked his paw to the left.
The two purugly stared at him.
Then, both of them yelped in sudden pain and surprise when a barrage of sharp, energy-infused leaves swiped at their fur. Floragato dashed at the two felines, grinning wildly as a trail of radiant green energy accompanied him.
The grass-type then slammed into both of the Purugly, knocking them each to opposite directions before speeding away. The two felines quickly recovered and leaped at him, swiping their claws. Floragato turned backwards, holding out their paws in an outstretched position.
Floragato swiftly dodged both of Purugly’s attacks, smirking as he leaped high into the air.
Then, a sphere of shining green energy shot from the feline’s palms, slamming into both of the Purugly.
Floragato stomped their feet as both of the normal-types slowly recovered from the attack. Beneath them, a vine sprouted and violently lashed out at them. Floragato whipped their head backwards, making a run for it.
The feline grunted when he saw several Staravia emerge in the air. He dashed into an empty street, preparing to take refuge.
To his horror, he felt a prickly sensation overwhelm him. His body tightened as hisskin grew a sickeningly dark green. Floragato had been captured…
By a ghost.
To think you had escaped those two Purugly. Impressive.
He felt a sudden pang of intense pain overwhelm him.
Floragato took a risk. He outstretched his paws, a swirl of bright green energy gathering around his palms. To his absolute horror, a dark, spectral energy gathered around his palm…
And completely nullified the energy.
You cannot escape me, thief.
His eyes widened in horror as he saw the patrol staravia soar through the air.
They were bound to notice him.
No, he couldn’t give up now.
Floragato shuddered in fear…
Then, he masked it with a vibrant grin, outstretching his arms.
Another swirl of radiant green energy gathered around his palm.
The ghost once again attempted to nullify the energy ball, but Floragato was having none of that. He stomped his foot and several vines shot up from the ground. The ghost suddenly reformed into its corporeal body in surprise as the vines violently wrapped around it.
The ghost was a blue-ish green with an orb at the center.
It was a misdreavus.
Floragato snickered, breaking free from the ghost’s control as he readied an energy ball. Misdreavus erected a barrier, but to its surprise, Floragato leaped into the air and slammed the attack against the ground, propelling himself atop the roof of a building.
He ran through the buildings, leaping across the roof.
Floragato turned around. He saw the Misdreavus advance towards him in the air, the two Purugly leaping through the streets to catch up to him. He grinned to himself. Then, he looked up into the sky.
Four Staravia dived at him, intent on capturing him. Floragato smirked, outstretching his arms as he leaped onto another building, the Staravia changed their trajectory in an attempt to catch up to him, but…
“Five meters to my left is a narrow, thirty centimeters wide apartment complex…” Florgato muttered to himself, before grinning.
To the horror of the advancing Staravia, Floragato formed an energy ball, slapping it onto the roof of the building which he stood on. He propelled himself to the left. The boost from energy ball allowed him to leap across the five meter gap, before erecting several vines to catch his landing.
Floragato arrogantly turned to face all of the widened eyes of surprise from his advancers. “Catch me if you can, suckers!
Part Four
Floragato crashed through a window during his fall, broken glass raining down as he rolled forward and skidded to a stop. He darted back to his feet and crashed into the next window on the other side of the room—
Dedenne immediately broke Floragato out of his thoughts with a loud cough, saving everyone else in the planning room from hearing more of his dragged out impossible plan.
“What the hell are you talking about a chase for?” Dedenne hissed, glaring daggers at Floragato. “We’re supposed to go in and out unseen, not play cat and mouse with the coppers!”
Floragato folded his arms with a pout. “Oh come on. Where’s the fun in sneaking around like cowards? We always have a chase for these things!”
Stonejourner stepped forward and shook his head. “Not for this one, mate. The security’s been real tight after the woop troop botched their last job.”
Floragato flailed his arms around in frustration. “But we’re better than those mud eating hacks!”
Dedenne frowned and heaved a sigh. “Gato, either you play along or sit this one out. There’s too much on the line.”
That finally got Floragato to drop back to his seat, but he made no effort to hide his grumpy look.
Now that his tantrum was over, Joltik cleared her throat to grab their attention. She slid a disk shaped device over the table and it sprouted like dough and projected hologram schematics for all of them to see.
“I’ve mapped out all the paths and exits. The treasure vault is in the third basement hidden behind multiple security systems,” said Joltik, clicking her foot on a button that revealed another hologram. “I’m still working on getting into the security systems themselves. One of you boys will have to ferry me to the control panel so I can disable them and give you a straight shot through.”
Floragato reclined on his seat and watched Joltik’s hologram schematics with a meaningful gaze. This was new. If she felt the need to set her best foot forward then he had to admit how important the job was. Blue light filtered into his eyes. He clenched his paw and sighed. One way or another, they were going to get the Diancie heart diamond.
Part Five
With a loud, exaggerated sigh, the Floragato shook his head. “Very well, my Dear Joltik. You have yourself a deal. Just make sure my gang gets the cut they deserve, or there will be hell to pay. Remember…” He leaned forward, making sure that his leering face would be visible on her end of the hologram. “My gag doesn’t take lightly to double-crossing.”
“I wouldn’t dream of doing so,” his Joltik client replied. “You have your job. See to it that you keep your end of the deal.”
The transmission cut out, leaving Goro in a dark room lit only by the glow of emergency lights.
“Oh, Floragoro,” the Floragato mumbled, ejecting the disc with the data Joltik had sent, “what have you gotten yourself into this time? There’s no way that pig of a Pikachu won’t be there looking for you.”
Then he shook his head. No, what was he saying? He was leader of the Meow Gang! Nobody could stop him! Especially not some coward of a Pikachu cop.
Springing to his paws, he strode down the hall, returning to the meeting room of their base. His underlings chattered amongst themselves, tones ranging from excited to nervous. But as soon as the door creaked open, their mumblings came to a stop.
“What’s the situation, Boss?” a Meowth, Meowthkie, asked.
“We’re taking Joltik’s job,” Floragoro answered, tossing the disc to the center of the table. “Our target is the famous Diancie Heart Diamond, which currently resides at the Museum of Ancient Science.”
Gasps sounded around the table, several pairs of wide eyes staring back at Floragoro.
“The Museum of Ancient Science?” a litten, Littenkie, gasped. “But Boss, we’ve never gone after such a high-profile building.”
“Oh, don’t be such a wuss,” Espurrkie growled.
“Easy for you to say!” Glameowkie hissed back. “You haven’t spent time in the slammer. And to make matters worse, I heard that Pikachu was seen hanging around the museum recently. They’re expecting us!”
“We’ll just have to beat him up,” Skittkie huffed. “Come on, where’s your sense of adventure as thieves?!”
Floragato Floragoro slammed his paws on the table, drawing the attention of his feline underlings back to him. “Attention everyone! We are taking on this job. We are going to steal the Diancie Heart Diamond from that museum. And no pig of a Pikachu is going to stop the infamous Meow Gang. Now, here’s the plan.”
Part Six
The plan was set in motion two nights later.
Floragato Floragoro slipped into a quiet nook, hidden from view of the cameras, and waited as the museum staff ushered the last visitors out the door and began closing up shop. Once the coast was clear and all was quiet, he sent out the signal: squeaking his lucky squeaky mouse toy three times.
His minions appeared as if they crawled out of the woodwork, silent as the shadows they stalked in. Say what you will about the Meow Gang—they could be a noisy, mewling, clumsy lot at times, but when it came down to it, they knew how to sneak.
A squeaking at the far end of the hallway told Floragato Floragoro that Mew Crew 1 had completed Phase One: incapacitate the security guard. The guy wouldn’t even know what had hit him; nobody took a hit from trusty comrade Meowth Marco and walked it off.
The other security guard had already been taken care of by a gadget Floragoro had made himself. It was his proudest invention yet, and he called it: The Sprigizmo. A robot in the form of a plump, round little Sprigatito kit would waddle in front of the target, mewling and begging with eyes so wide it becomes physically impossible to resist the urge to cuddle with it. Then, when the target came close enough, cooing and fawning over the little thing, it opened its jaws and barfed out a loaf of bread dough so large, it completely flattened and trapped the other party.
Honestly the physics of such an invention didn’t really make sense even to Floragoro. But hey, whatever works, and this one worked like a charm.
Feeling smug, Floragato Floragoro signaled to his section of the crew to follow his lead, and they slipped into the shadows. Mew Crew 2 was working their magic disabling the cameras—that is, Espurr Ethel and her fellow cri-meow-nals were sniping them down with carefully aimed Psybeams.
They were nearly to the Diancie Diamond exhibit when he got the squeak telling him of Mew Crew 2’s success. Score. Now all that was left was the prize itself.
The diamond sat on a pedestal in the center of the room, gleaming in the soft glow of the emergency backup lights. Floragato Floragoro stopped at the entrance and swept out an arm, abruptly halting the pitter-patter of the many paws following him.
“Luxio Lance, we are meow ready for you.”
Luxio Lance wasn’t the smartest of the bunch, but he was agile and quick on his feet. He danced through the many invisible lasers that only he and his acute night vision could see, then made it to a panel on the opposite side of the room. Good!
“Deactivate them!” Floragoro hissed excitedly, heart pounding. They were close, close, so close—
Lance jabbed one big, clumsy paw at the panel, and then everything went sideways.
“WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTS, TO THE DIAMOND DISCO!” A booming voice came over the intercom, a disco ball lowered from a hidden panel in the ceiling, and the lasers that were previously a trap were now moving and darting around the place, changing colors and pulsing to the beat of a catchy tune blasting through the speakers.
Floragato Floragoro’s paws flew to his face in horror. “Meow no! He activated the Pawrty Procedure!”
Suddenly all his companions surged past him, leaping into the room all at once to chase the colorful dots of light around the room. It was chaos. Sprigatito Soda did a backflip off the wall, paws flailing at a blue dot, then face-planted into the floor. Purrloin Pietro pelted full speed after a green dot and trampled over Skitty Scarlet, then crashed into the wall. Litten Luna pounced on one, yowling triumphantly, then spat a jet of flame that ignited Shinx Shiro’s tail.
Floragato Floragoro pulled at his whiskers and yowled. “No no no! This is a cat-astrophe!”
Part Seven
Floragato Floragoro jerked his head around to see Gambling Growlithe, his paw on a lever controlling a gigantic disco ball, cackling with glee. And in his other paw sparkled the Heart of Diancie.
Turning tail, Gambling Growlith pelted out of the room and leapt into a helicopter just as it took off.
“Bon voyage, mis petites!” he called as the helicopter took to the skies.
“Meow, he’s taking what we stole!” Floragoro wrung his paws in frustration. After all the effort he put into successfully stealing the most highly-prized gem in the world, he should be known as its thief, not some washed-up Growlithe!
He glanced back to see his teammates bumbling over each other as they all desperately tried to capture the spots of light emitted by the disco ball. Aiming his flower, the Floragato drew energy from nature and let loose a massive energy ball. The disco ball became a bomb, shattering into thousands of tiny sparkling pieces. Without the colors dancing along the walls, the other Pokemon got to their feet, put out the fires, and looked about in a confused daze.
“Hey, what happened?” Purrloin Pietro called. “I was winning! We almost had invaluable treasure!”
“Someone destroyed that disco ball!” Litten Luna announced, a fire sparking behind her eyes. “Someone messed with us, and they will NOT be forgiven!”
“Who would have done such a deed?” Skitty Scarlet asked.
Floragato Floragoro pointed to the helicopter, which was still rising steadily in the air. “He did it!”
The Pokemon required no further prompting. “Fatal Felines, into formation!”
In his helicopter, Gambling Growlithe pawed the Heart of Diancie as he giggled to himself.
“With this precious gem, I will be known as the best thief in town—no, in the whole world! Ho ho ho!”
“Is that a flying cat?—AH!”
Gambling Growlithe looked up in time to see a feline spinning through the air and break through the helicopter’s windshield.
Shinx Shiro tackled a helicopter pilot to the ground before glaring at the Growlithe. “Give us the Heart, Growlithe! You’ve got nothing left up your sleeve!”
“Oh-ho-ho, is that so?” Gambling Growlithe giggled as he grabbed a great green parachute and leapt from the plane, chuckling as he tauntingly waved the Heart of Diancie.
“If you want this, come and get it! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”
Gambling Growlithe screamed as Shinx Shiro cannonballed into his parachute, sending the two of them hurtling to the ground. The two fell to the earth in an unceremonious heap, Shinx Shiro too weak and beaten to wrestle the Heart of Diancie from Gambling Growlithe’s paws, and Gambling Growlithe too bruised and broken to bother resisting as Floragato Floragoro deftly plucked it.
“We did it!” he announced as the Fatal Felines and a crew of cameramen and newspeople gathered around them. “We’ve gotten the Heart, my comrades!”
The Fatal Felines—except Shinx Shiro—all yowled with delight, shortly before being blinded by camera lights.
“This is Seathern Swellow here, reporting on Eye Witness News, Channel 1! It seems that this group of feline Pokemon has successfully recovered the stolen Heart of Diancie!”
“Wait, what?” Floragato Floragoro didn’t have time to respond before a Cofagrigus floated over and swept the Heart out of his paws, depositing it within his coffin.
“HEY! What gives? We worked hard for that!”
“And your hard work has not gone unnoticed!” Seathern Swellow continued as he stood next to the fuming Floragato Floragoro, holding a microphone up. “You will be rewarded handsomely for your service to society in stopping crime and thievery, and will go down in history as one of the greatest heroes we’ve ever seen!”
“What? A hero?!? But we STOLE the Heart of Diancie! We’re not heroes, we’re villains! Thieves! We’ve terrorized innocents, broken into museums, stolen precious artifacts, shot down a helicopter and a parachuter, and I want some recognition!”
“Stolen my heart, more like!” a spectating Meowth swooned.
“Thanks to you, we’ve not only ensured the future safety of a national treasure, but you’ve also recovered a stolen helicopter, and the worst thief causing chaos in our country will now be behind bars! No more will our land live in fear of Gambling Growlithe’s crimes!” Seathern Swellow announced as the spectators applauded. Turning to the Fatal Felines, he asked, “Do you all have one wish that we, the Pokemon, can grant you in exchange for your selflessness?”
“I WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A MASTER THIEF!”
From that day on, Floragato Floragoro and the Fatal Felines went down in history as some of the world’s greatest, most selfless heroes.
Adamhuarts
HelloYellow17
Shizzza
SparklingEspeon
Starlight Aurate
The Walrein
Windskull
HelloYellow17
Shizzza
SparklingEspeon
Starlight Aurate
The Walrein
Windskull
The authors of each individual section are under spoilers in case you'd like to try and guess who wrote what!
Thanks to everyone who wrote for this corpse, and to Bench for running it! This one turned out great, and I hope everyone enjoys reading the completed story.
Thousand Roads' Exquisite Corpse 2023
Heist II
Heist II
Part One
Several Pokemon were crowded into Paldea’s Situation Room, the air thick with tension.
“I’ll cut straight to the point, gentlemon: we’ve got a pasta gap on our handlebars,” King Koraidon said, steepling his claws atop a thick layer of documents on the table. “If we don’t do something fast, we’re all going to be speaking Kantonese next year.”
Agent Spidops scratched her head. “Um, your majesty, are you sure they even have pasta in Kanto? I’m pretty sure they just have like, berries and rare candy to eat there. Maybe donuts.”
“I’m talking about creepypasta,” Koraidon snarled. “You can’t ride through a single yard sale in Kanto without tripping over a box full of cursed Game Boy cartridges! The kind where all the NPCs keep using your real name and where Pokemon die instead of fainting, and by the time you get to Lavender Town, you can’t shut off the game and your eyes are starting to bleed! And according to our intel, they’ve started stockpiling haunted FireRed and LeafGreen carts too, which theoretically have a thousand times as much thermo-spookular power! But have you ever heard of even one demonically possessed Scarlet or Violet disc? NO!” Koraidon slammed the table.
“At any moment, President Mew could press that big red button of hers and have long-range Fearow bombers drop creepypasta carts down every Paldean chimney, and there’s nothing we could do to retaliate! So far we’ve managed to pass off our glitches like Wattrel clipping into walls and horrible body-mangling emotes as the result of creepypasta phenomena, but the ruse is starting to wear thin.”
“But – why would the Kantonese want to attack us? We’re allies with them, right?” Agent Farigiraf asked, hesitantly peeking out through gaps in his tail-head’s clenched teeth.
His king’s face was grim. “The Kantonese despise our culture. They deride our Terastallization as a cheap gimmick worse than even Z-moves or Dynamaxxing, and they view our Team Star as utterly pathetic compared to their own ‘actually evil’ evil team. Moreover, they think that eggs should only be made behind the closed doors of daycare centers, and see our practice of having open-air picnics as utterly obscene.”
“You mean they’d outlaw picnics if they took over?”
“Worse… they’d outlaw sandwiches.”
Everyone gasped in horror. “What are we going to do!? I need to eat a big ‘herba mystica’ sandwich every day to unwind! I paid top pokedollar to get a doctor’s prescription for that!” Agent Meowscarada wailed.
“There’s only one option: Deep in the basement of the Lavender Town Pokemon Tower, there’s a vault containing hundreds of Kanto’s most potent creepypasta cartridges. A team of our best secret agents – that’s you guys – will have to break in and steal enough carts to balance out the ‘pasta gap. It won’t be easy. Since Dig isn’t a field move for us, you can’t just burrow in. You’ll have to traverse all five sublevels of the tower basement before making it to the vault, each with a more dangerous security measure then the last.”
“That sounds difficult. Couldn’t we just hit up those yard sales you were talking about?” Agent Spidops asked.
“No! The exchange rate between Paldean and Kantonese Pokedollars is terrible right now. You’d have to pay about twenty grand just to get your claws on a barely-haunted Red Version that won’t even kill you if you die in the game. Total rip-off. Besides, those creepypasta vendors always mysteriously disappear after you buy their product. Terrible customer service. There’s no option but to brave the vault and its horrible dangers that will probably kill all but one of you. Now, pay attention.” Koraidon clicked a button on a remote, and a projector screen lowered from the ceiling.
“The Pokemon Tower basement has five levels. Level one is filled to the brim with random encounters. You can’t take a single step without getting swarmed by a dozen Zubat. And before one of you wise-guys asks, no, you can’t just buy a bunch of repels. We don’t have the budget for that.”
“Next, on level two there’s a maze of those floor tiles that make you spin around while traveling in a straight line until you hit something. Worse, there’s teleporter tiles that will take you right back to the start if you make the slightest mistake. By the time you’ve managed to find the three keycards needed to access the next floor, you won’t be in any mood for eating sandwiches.”
“Level three is where things start getting really tough. It’s a short corridor that you can’t get through without passing a desk guarded by a single officer. If you try to walk past him, he’ll politely but firmly ask you to turn back. Our only clue for how to bypass him is an intercepted radio message where he complains about being thirsty.”
“On level four, there’s nothing but an electronically-locked door and fifteen trash cans, two of which contain switches that will open the door. If the first switch is in an odd-numbered trash can, the second switch will be in the can numbered fifteen modulus the number of letters in your mother’s maiden name, plus three if it’s currently raining in Hau'oli City, multiplied by the last digit of the date you first realized your own mortality, minus the seventh digit of the last palindromic prime in the decimal representation of the ninety-ninth term of the Busy Bidoof sequence. Arceus help you if the first switch is in an even-numbered can.”
“The final level of the basement contains six Mewtwo clones, each wielding an Action Replay in both hands. Get past them and you’ll still have to break into the creepypasta vault, which has walls made of those little trees that you need to use Cut on – a move which no Paldean Pokemon can learn even if field moves were still a thing for us, not to mention you’d need a Cascade Badge for that, too.”
The Walrein
Part Two
“Okay, I thiiink I have it… except for the part where like… all of it?”
Floragato was understanding less and less by the second. He was just in this for a quick buck. How hard could a bank robbery be?
“Oh, no worries,” laughed Purugly #2. Purugly #1 stood right next to her, his face grim. “We’ll write it down for you! I’m sure you’ll figure it out as you go.”
The laughter sounded fake. Her eyes read stone cold, just as grim as her partner. It put Floragato off.
Robberies were supposed to be simple. Scratch that, actually, they were simple if you wanted to tell the tale. You walked in, you threatened to blow the place up, you stole a couple bars of gold, and the bank tellers didn’t stop you because you never stole enough for it to be more than a cost of doing business. Lord knew those oil barons could spare a few diamonds here and there.
And most importantly, you never hit the same bank twice! You gave it at least a couple months, a year if you were smart. He hadn’t realised until he was too far in that the bank they’d contracted him to rob had been one he’d robbed just a couple weeks ago, and now it was too late to back out. He was a total coward and could tell the drooling granbull who was accompanying their purugly masters was just looking for a reason to chew him out. Literally.
From what he knew of the two purugly standing in front of him, they would have no qualms sending their guard dog after someone who yanked their cord.
They were on the ledge of a mountain, overseeing the town from a distance. The place wasn’t very well-developed at all, though no towns this far out were. It barely had a main street, let alone paved roads. But a town that small knew where its weaknesses were, and it was paradoxically well-patrolled. And the strange thing was that he knew it hadn’t been before. Something had changed, and he figured it was connected to the heist he’d been contracted for.
But he’d dug his ditch. It was time to lay in it.
At least he could be iconic. He pulled his hat with a large red feather from the belt around his waist. How many newspapers could he make the front page of this time?
“Well,” he said, putting on his best business face. “I may not know all the details, but no robbery has escaped my clutches before. I assure you, by tonight you will have your jewels.”
“Excellent!” exclaimed Purugly #2. “We’ll meet you there.”
She left without explaining what “there” was. He tried to ask. He got nothing but a cryptic “You’ll seeee!”
He’d had stranger clients. But something unnerved him about this.
---
Adjust boots. Silent prowl. Straighten hat. Stealthy like the night. Sword? Check. Feather? Check. One glorious, caped, clawed robber? Double check. Sheath claws. Eyes on target. Begin mission.
He hopped, skipped, and sneaked his way down to the town. Over guards who were just about as smart as hired muscle would buy, which usually meant not at all, along the roofs of buildings that really needed some TLC, and down into a tunnel he’d had an eager, foolish lillipup dig for him earlier that day. It went all the way under the saloon, through the street, and into the backs of the vaults, where he knew there was a weak spot the corrupt contractor hadn’t patched through in order to cut costs on.
Honestly, for “the most secure bank in the west”, this was one of the easiest breakins he’d pulled off in a while. Security was far more than just armed muscle.
But as he leaned in to crack the lock of the vault, his cape swooshing behind him, he failed to realise the figures sneaking in behind him.
“Halt! You’re under arrest.”
Floragato whipped around in horror, looking at the many guards and lights in the vault pointed at him, and among them were both Purugly—he’d been swindled!
“See?” purred Purugly #1 with that same unnerving, cold-eyed grin. “We told you we’d meet you there.”
SparklingEspeon
Part Three
Floragato gritted his teeth, glaring daggers at the twin Purugly in front of him. Dazzling lights blared around him.
He was completely surrounded.
Fear crept up his spine as he saw the two felines advance towards him. Floragato clenched their paws, before bursting into a fit of nervous laughter.
The advancing Purugly suddenly halted in their advances, tilting their heads in confusion.
Floragato titled his head to the left, following the motion of the two Purugly. He then flicked his paw to the left.
The two purugly stared at him.
Then, both of them yelped in sudden pain and surprise when a barrage of sharp, energy-infused leaves swiped at their fur. Floragato dashed at the two felines, grinning wildly as a trail of radiant green energy accompanied him.
The grass-type then slammed into both of the Purugly, knocking them each to opposite directions before speeding away. The two felines quickly recovered and leaped at him, swiping their claws. Floragato turned backwards, holding out their paws in an outstretched position.
Floragato swiftly dodged both of Purugly’s attacks, smirking as he leaped high into the air.
Then, a sphere of shining green energy shot from the feline’s palms, slamming into both of the Purugly.
Floragato stomped their feet as both of the normal-types slowly recovered from the attack. Beneath them, a vine sprouted and violently lashed out at them. Floragato whipped their head backwards, making a run for it.
The feline grunted when he saw several Staravia emerge in the air. He dashed into an empty street, preparing to take refuge.
To his horror, he felt a prickly sensation overwhelm him. His body tightened as hisskin grew a sickeningly dark green. Floragato had been captured…
By a ghost.
To think you had escaped those two Purugly. Impressive.
He felt a sudden pang of intense pain overwhelm him.
Floragato took a risk. He outstretched his paws, a swirl of bright green energy gathering around his palms. To his absolute horror, a dark, spectral energy gathered around his palm…
And completely nullified the energy.
You cannot escape me, thief.
His eyes widened in horror as he saw the patrol staravia soar through the air.
They were bound to notice him.
No, he couldn’t give up now.
Floragato shuddered in fear…
Then, he masked it with a vibrant grin, outstretching his arms.
Another swirl of radiant green energy gathered around his palm.
The ghost once again attempted to nullify the energy ball, but Floragato was having none of that. He stomped his foot and several vines shot up from the ground. The ghost suddenly reformed into its corporeal body in surprise as the vines violently wrapped around it.
The ghost was a blue-ish green with an orb at the center.
It was a misdreavus.
Floragato snickered, breaking free from the ghost’s control as he readied an energy ball. Misdreavus erected a barrier, but to its surprise, Floragato leaped into the air and slammed the attack against the ground, propelling himself atop the roof of a building.
He ran through the buildings, leaping across the roof.
Floragato turned around. He saw the Misdreavus advance towards him in the air, the two Purugly leaping through the streets to catch up to him. He grinned to himself. Then, he looked up into the sky.
Four Staravia dived at him, intent on capturing him. Floragato smirked, outstretching his arms as he leaped onto another building, the Staravia changed their trajectory in an attempt to catch up to him, but…
“Five meters to my left is a narrow, thirty centimeters wide apartment complex…” Florgato muttered to himself, before grinning.
To the horror of the advancing Staravia, Floragato formed an energy ball, slapping it onto the roof of the building which he stood on. He propelled himself to the left. The boost from energy ball allowed him to leap across the five meter gap, before erecting several vines to catch his landing.
Floragato arrogantly turned to face all of the widened eyes of surprise from his advancers. “Catch me if you can, suckers!
Shizzza
Part Four
Floragato crashed through a window during his fall, broken glass raining down as he rolled forward and skidded to a stop. He darted back to his feet and crashed into the next window on the other side of the room—
Dedenne immediately broke Floragato out of his thoughts with a loud cough, saving everyone else in the planning room from hearing more of his dragged out impossible plan.
“What the hell are you talking about a chase for?” Dedenne hissed, glaring daggers at Floragato. “We’re supposed to go in and out unseen, not play cat and mouse with the coppers!”
Floragato folded his arms with a pout. “Oh come on. Where’s the fun in sneaking around like cowards? We always have a chase for these things!”
Stonejourner stepped forward and shook his head. “Not for this one, mate. The security’s been real tight after the woop troop botched their last job.”
Floragato flailed his arms around in frustration. “But we’re better than those mud eating hacks!”
Dedenne frowned and heaved a sigh. “Gato, either you play along or sit this one out. There’s too much on the line.”
That finally got Floragato to drop back to his seat, but he made no effort to hide his grumpy look.
Now that his tantrum was over, Joltik cleared her throat to grab their attention. She slid a disk shaped device over the table and it sprouted like dough and projected hologram schematics for all of them to see.
“I’ve mapped out all the paths and exits. The treasure vault is in the third basement hidden behind multiple security systems,” said Joltik, clicking her foot on a button that revealed another hologram. “I’m still working on getting into the security systems themselves. One of you boys will have to ferry me to the control panel so I can disable them and give you a straight shot through.”
Floragato reclined on his seat and watched Joltik’s hologram schematics with a meaningful gaze. This was new. If she felt the need to set her best foot forward then he had to admit how important the job was. Blue light filtered into his eyes. He clenched his paw and sighed. One way or another, they were going to get the Diancie heart diamond.
Adamhuarts
Part Five
With a loud, exaggerated sigh, the Floragato shook his head. “Very well, my Dear Joltik. You have yourself a deal. Just make sure my gang gets the cut they deserve, or there will be hell to pay. Remember…” He leaned forward, making sure that his leering face would be visible on her end of the hologram. “My gag doesn’t take lightly to double-crossing.”
“I wouldn’t dream of doing so,” his Joltik client replied. “You have your job. See to it that you keep your end of the deal.”
The transmission cut out, leaving Goro in a dark room lit only by the glow of emergency lights.
“Oh, Floragoro,” the Floragato mumbled, ejecting the disc with the data Joltik had sent, “what have you gotten yourself into this time? There’s no way that pig of a Pikachu won’t be there looking for you.”
Then he shook his head. No, what was he saying? He was leader of the Meow Gang! Nobody could stop him! Especially not some coward of a Pikachu cop.
Springing to his paws, he strode down the hall, returning to the meeting room of their base. His underlings chattered amongst themselves, tones ranging from excited to nervous. But as soon as the door creaked open, their mumblings came to a stop.
“What’s the situation, Boss?” a Meowth, Meowthkie, asked.
“We’re taking Joltik’s job,” Floragoro answered, tossing the disc to the center of the table. “Our target is the famous Diancie Heart Diamond, which currently resides at the Museum of Ancient Science.”
Gasps sounded around the table, several pairs of wide eyes staring back at Floragoro.
“The Museum of Ancient Science?” a litten, Littenkie, gasped. “But Boss, we’ve never gone after such a high-profile building.”
“Oh, don’t be such a wuss,” Espurrkie growled.
“Easy for you to say!” Glameowkie hissed back. “You haven’t spent time in the slammer. And to make matters worse, I heard that Pikachu was seen hanging around the museum recently. They’re expecting us!”
“We’ll just have to beat him up,” Skittkie huffed. “Come on, where’s your sense of adventure as thieves?!”
Floragato Floragoro slammed his paws on the table, drawing the attention of his feline underlings back to him. “Attention everyone! We are taking on this job. We are going to steal the Diancie Heart Diamond from that museum. And no pig of a Pikachu is going to stop the infamous Meow Gang. Now, here’s the plan.”
Windskull
Part Six
The plan was set in motion two nights later.
Floragato Floragoro slipped into a quiet nook, hidden from view of the cameras, and waited as the museum staff ushered the last visitors out the door and began closing up shop. Once the coast was clear and all was quiet, he sent out the signal: squeaking his lucky squeaky mouse toy three times.
His minions appeared as if they crawled out of the woodwork, silent as the shadows they stalked in. Say what you will about the Meow Gang—they could be a noisy, mewling, clumsy lot at times, but when it came down to it, they knew how to sneak.
A squeaking at the far end of the hallway told Floragato Floragoro that Mew Crew 1 had completed Phase One: incapacitate the security guard. The guy wouldn’t even know what had hit him; nobody took a hit from trusty comrade Meowth Marco and walked it off.
The other security guard had already been taken care of by a gadget Floragoro had made himself. It was his proudest invention yet, and he called it: The Sprigizmo. A robot in the form of a plump, round little Sprigatito kit would waddle in front of the target, mewling and begging with eyes so wide it becomes physically impossible to resist the urge to cuddle with it. Then, when the target came close enough, cooing and fawning over the little thing, it opened its jaws and barfed out a loaf of bread dough so large, it completely flattened and trapped the other party.
Honestly the physics of such an invention didn’t really make sense even to Floragoro. But hey, whatever works, and this one worked like a charm.
Feeling smug, Floragato Floragoro signaled to his section of the crew to follow his lead, and they slipped into the shadows. Mew Crew 2 was working their magic disabling the cameras—that is, Espurr Ethel and her fellow cri-meow-nals were sniping them down with carefully aimed Psybeams.
They were nearly to the Diancie Diamond exhibit when he got the squeak telling him of Mew Crew 2’s success. Score. Now all that was left was the prize itself.
The diamond sat on a pedestal in the center of the room, gleaming in the soft glow of the emergency backup lights. Floragato Floragoro stopped at the entrance and swept out an arm, abruptly halting the pitter-patter of the many paws following him.
“Luxio Lance, we are meow ready for you.”
Luxio Lance wasn’t the smartest of the bunch, but he was agile and quick on his feet. He danced through the many invisible lasers that only he and his acute night vision could see, then made it to a panel on the opposite side of the room. Good!
“Deactivate them!” Floragoro hissed excitedly, heart pounding. They were close, close, so close—
Lance jabbed one big, clumsy paw at the panel, and then everything went sideways.
“WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTS, TO THE DIAMOND DISCO!” A booming voice came over the intercom, a disco ball lowered from a hidden panel in the ceiling, and the lasers that were previously a trap were now moving and darting around the place, changing colors and pulsing to the beat of a catchy tune blasting through the speakers.
Floragato Floragoro’s paws flew to his face in horror. “Meow no! He activated the Pawrty Procedure!”
Suddenly all his companions surged past him, leaping into the room all at once to chase the colorful dots of light around the room. It was chaos. Sprigatito Soda did a backflip off the wall, paws flailing at a blue dot, then face-planted into the floor. Purrloin Pietro pelted full speed after a green dot and trampled over Skitty Scarlet, then crashed into the wall. Litten Luna pounced on one, yowling triumphantly, then spat a jet of flame that ignited Shinx Shiro’s tail.
Floragato Floragoro pulled at his whiskers and yowled. “No no no! This is a cat-astrophe!”
HelloYellow17
Part Seven
Floragato Floragoro jerked his head around to see Gambling Growlithe, his paw on a lever controlling a gigantic disco ball, cackling with glee. And in his other paw sparkled the Heart of Diancie.
Turning tail, Gambling Growlith pelted out of the room and leapt into a helicopter just as it took off.
“Bon voyage, mis petites!” he called as the helicopter took to the skies.
“Meow, he’s taking what we stole!” Floragoro wrung his paws in frustration. After all the effort he put into successfully stealing the most highly-prized gem in the world, he should be known as its thief, not some washed-up Growlithe!
He glanced back to see his teammates bumbling over each other as they all desperately tried to capture the spots of light emitted by the disco ball. Aiming his flower, the Floragato drew energy from nature and let loose a massive energy ball. The disco ball became a bomb, shattering into thousands of tiny sparkling pieces. Without the colors dancing along the walls, the other Pokemon got to their feet, put out the fires, and looked about in a confused daze.
“Hey, what happened?” Purrloin Pietro called. “I was winning! We almost had invaluable treasure!”
“Someone destroyed that disco ball!” Litten Luna announced, a fire sparking behind her eyes. “Someone messed with us, and they will NOT be forgiven!”
“Who would have done such a deed?” Skitty Scarlet asked.
Floragato Floragoro pointed to the helicopter, which was still rising steadily in the air. “He did it!”
The Pokemon required no further prompting. “Fatal Felines, into formation!”
In his helicopter, Gambling Growlithe pawed the Heart of Diancie as he giggled to himself.
“With this precious gem, I will be known as the best thief in town—no, in the whole world! Ho ho ho!”
“Is that a flying cat?—AH!”
Gambling Growlithe looked up in time to see a feline spinning through the air and break through the helicopter’s windshield.
Shinx Shiro tackled a helicopter pilot to the ground before glaring at the Growlithe. “Give us the Heart, Growlithe! You’ve got nothing left up your sleeve!”
“Oh-ho-ho, is that so?” Gambling Growlithe giggled as he grabbed a great green parachute and leapt from the plane, chuckling as he tauntingly waved the Heart of Diancie.
“If you want this, come and get it! NO, I DIDN’T MEAN IT!”
Gambling Growlithe screamed as Shinx Shiro cannonballed into his parachute, sending the two of them hurtling to the ground. The two fell to the earth in an unceremonious heap, Shinx Shiro too weak and beaten to wrestle the Heart of Diancie from Gambling Growlithe’s paws, and Gambling Growlithe too bruised and broken to bother resisting as Floragato Floragoro deftly plucked it.
“We did it!” he announced as the Fatal Felines and a crew of cameramen and newspeople gathered around them. “We’ve gotten the Heart, my comrades!”
The Fatal Felines—except Shinx Shiro—all yowled with delight, shortly before being blinded by camera lights.
“This is Seathern Swellow here, reporting on Eye Witness News, Channel 1! It seems that this group of feline Pokemon has successfully recovered the stolen Heart of Diancie!”
“Wait, what?” Floragato Floragoro didn’t have time to respond before a Cofagrigus floated over and swept the Heart out of his paws, depositing it within his coffin.
“HEY! What gives? We worked hard for that!”
“And your hard work has not gone unnoticed!” Seathern Swellow continued as he stood next to the fuming Floragato Floragoro, holding a microphone up. “You will be rewarded handsomely for your service to society in stopping crime and thievery, and will go down in history as one of the greatest heroes we’ve ever seen!”
“What? A hero?!? But we STOLE the Heart of Diancie! We’re not heroes, we’re villains! Thieves! We’ve terrorized innocents, broken into museums, stolen precious artifacts, shot down a helicopter and a parachuter, and I want some recognition!”
“Stolen my heart, more like!” a spectating Meowth swooned.
“Thanks to you, we’ve not only ensured the future safety of a national treasure, but you’ve also recovered a stolen helicopter, and the worst thief causing chaos in our country will now be behind bars! No more will our land live in fear of Gambling Growlithe’s crimes!” Seathern Swellow announced as the spectators applauded. Turning to the Fatal Felines, he asked, “Do you all have one wish that we, the Pokemon, can grant you in exchange for your selflessness?”
“I WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A MASTER THIEF!”
From that day on, Floragato Floragoro and the Fatal Felines went down in history as some of the world’s greatest, most selfless heroes.
Starlight Aurate