"Of Mon's First Disobedience" by Sinderella
I was BORED–feeling a sense of weariness from lacking activity.
It smelled bad, and I was fucking BORED.
Father Arceus said I wasn't permitted to curse as such, but did I care? Absolutely the fuck not. It smelled bad; I was ANNOYED–slightly irritated–that it smelled bad, and as always, I was really.
Fucking.
BORED.
Judge Comments
auspicious
Oh, this was
cool.
You did something interesting with the all caps emotions followed by their definitions. I quite like it - it builds up to a nice moment there at the end. Eden being in space, with black holes just popping by and Venira’s internal monologue mentioning things like dying stars was also a nice touch.
The concept of “seraphs” and all the legendaries originally being seraphs who were turned into gods by Arceus granting them domains is also quite fun, I have a soft spot for this kind of stuff.
There is one moment, where the other 7 remaining seraphs are introduced that confused me a bit - the jump from Avareed sitting atop a structure to walking with Venira lost me for a sec. Avareed and Venira are cute, though! I would have liked Venira’s relationships with the other seraphs besides Avareed, as well as the other seraphs themselves to have been fleshed out a little bit more.
With Venira, it’s fairly apparent that Arceus doesn’t want to let her loose because she doesn’t listen to him - but why are the other seraphs still here? What makes them different? Would have been nice to see them interacting a bit more maybe.
I do also have to wonder why Arceus doesn’t just grant them all domains to remove the possibility of them becoming corrupted gods at all? He very much seems to modeled off of a controlling parent/reads that way to me in this. Venira’s rant at the end sums this up - he makes them exist and function how he wants them to, and if he’s that controlling, it makes more sense for him to eliminate the chance of it happening entirely, and give them whatever domain he wants. He’s entirely okay with lying already; he could have just made up some arbitrary reason for why they weren’t allowed to leave still. I wondered until it was explicitly said if it was even within his power to grant seraphs domains, or if it was just something that happened naturally because - well, because of all of the above.
I realize this has been a bit of a nitpicky review, but really, I enjoyed this. There are a lot of things I like about this - the use of fakemon but still managing to pull off “Legendary POV” quite well, the concept of seraphs and their rebellion against Arceus, and Venira herself. Overall, besides wanting a few things like relationships and details to be fleshed out more and few minor logic issues, this was great!
linequotes
"How dare you rush in here asking me of such vulgar nonsense," Father Arceus growled, his lips curling back over his much sharper teeth.
ooo that’s a fun detail. don’t usually see Arceus w sharp teeth, but adds to his ominousness here.
Yveltal had said something about humans being more dynamic, but I knew they couldn't withhold power like a Pokemon could.
I’m not sure that “withhold” is the right word here
He couldn't talk down to me because I was the same fucking height as him.
this made me laugh; you can really tell she’s just absolutely gleeful about this
I loved watching him look so utterly taken aback; it was like sex. Well. Not that I knew what sex was, but I assumed it was good with the way I heard some of the others talk about it.
hm this quip felt a little out of place. felt at odds with the rest of the scene.
bluesidra
Oh yeah, a game of Beat-Up-Arceus! I’m always down for that.
What a fun read. I’m of course gobbling up that tasty
Lore like Venira gobbles up blood. Yumyum.
As always, you got a very strong voice going on there. It’s really lovely to see Venira go from “a little ANNOYED” to “I will destroy everything with my WRATH!”
But much much more interesting than the writing itself is the worldbuilding here.
Blood really seems to fuck them up badly, huh? It seems to activate the ingrained “god-powers” of the seraphs instantly and without Arceus’ intervention, but in return it seems to prune the user’s personality down to a few traits. In comparison to Venira post blood-drinking, yveltal and giratina look like way better balanced individuals.
This blood-stuff seems to only affect the seraphs though, since the fully grown leggies don’t have a taste for blood any more. Which is good, because my next question would have been: “Wait, don’t humans and pokemon get in contact with blood all the time?” But if it’s only on the very specific case of seraphs that it has these dire consequences, then yeah, that tracks a lot better.
That being said, I turn to Arceus and say “the fuck?” As in, why did he put something so detrimental to his children out there in the first place. This doesn’t seem to be some “Adam and Even enjoy a fruit salad” sort of test. Here, there are actually tangible side-effects other than big daddy being angry over disobedience. I can picture blood having some mythical quality to it that surpasses the simple bodily fluid function, and that this mythical component is necessary to life. But then what about plants? Or mollusks and insects? They have fundamentally different blood from spine-having creatures. If the only two categories of beings across the multiverse is ‘pokemon’ and ‘human,’ does that mean there is no other alien life out there that’s not also human or pokemon? And am I overthinking this?
There are a few other head-scratching moments in this, namely the existence of locks on windows and the fact that Venira comes in the shape of a human girl.
As for the locks: Why are there locks on windows in eden? If Arceus didn’t want his kiddies to escape, he could have made the windows permanently shut. Heck, he could switch from open to closed windows on a whim. So why did he go to the lengths of putting in locks there in the first place? Is it some sort of psychological warfare? Did he put them there specifically to remind them that they’re locked in? Then why are they so easy to pick (and function like locks on earth, with a bolt and tumblers and everything)? Is every technology on earth just a copy of things in eden, and we’re unaware of it? How did we get that knowledge? (I’m overthinking this, am I?)
Then there’s the fact that Venira is in the shape of a human girl. I don’t quite get the narrative benefit from it, to be honest. Of course, the fact that Arceus can force these forms upon his seraphs is incredibly cruel and sent shivers down my spine every time I read it. And I already accepted that Arceus isn’t the brightest llama to ever get stuck in a fence, but if he’s so afraid of his children tasting blood, then
why did he turn one of them into a human shaped bag full of ripe blood?! Presumably the seraphs wouldn’t bleed blood but ichor upon being wounded, but if it’s not a 100% transformation, why do it in the first place?
Also, my dumb juvenile brain read the entire section about Arceus yelling at Venira, a small girl, for asking about blood as a period joke.
Oh, and one last thing about the worldbuilding: I wonder what Arceus had planned for the seven seraphs. The fact that they already had personalities and names matching what humans will later refer to as the seven deadly sins means they had a predisposition to these traits already. So if Arceus had a “good” version of them planned, I wonder what they would have looked like. And if he ever got around to creating them. It also means that these traits are engrained into all of creation, seeing as wrath was clearly a factor when the doggo killed the other one (it clearly wasn’t hunger) without Venira even existing in her final form, and the sins are just an exaggerated(?) version of them.
Anyway, so much for the poking. Those aren’t really points of criticism, just some things that came to mind when I was reading it.
All the other things that came to mind were (palpatine voice) “yeeeees… let the hatred flow through you.” It was such a cathartic read from beginning to end with just how blatant Venira is. And witnessing such a power surge is always fun. Especially against Arceus, who you managed to paint in a really nasty, but powerful way. It was almost a bit sad that he gave in so easily at the end. Part of me just wanted to see him whip out his god-powers and erase Venira from existence. But while he disappoints as a god in the last scene, he more than makes up for it as an abuser getting his comeuppance.
A really enjoyable read, especially if one knows the context. I don’t know what it is about your stuff that makes me thonk about the worldbuilding so much, but it really ropes me in that way.
Cheers, blue
Dragonfree
This story has a very distinct and fun narrative voice, and I enjoy the concept of this twisted, legendary Pokémon-flavored reframing of the Christian story of the Fall.
I think you do a nice job here with portraying Venira's relationship with Arceus in particular - him as this controlling father figure who is nonetheless
ultimately just trying to keep her from becoming a corrupted beast dependent on blood, her in this teenage rebellion sort of phase, not understanding the emotions she's feeling but just knowing she wants to defy him and be away from him, but realizing over the course of the story that she's
afraid of him and that he's legitimately abusive towards her. Arceus probably just
wanted to raise a good crop of legendaries and give them domains, but he went about it entirely the wrong way, and his treatment of Venira is genuinely ugly, in the way of actual abusive parents. Venira learning to name and understand her emotions is a fun touch throughout, coming to a satisfying head as she slakes her bloodlust and finally manages to name
wrath (the use of unusual formatting was fun in that bit). Her final confrontation with Arceus is both viscerally satisfying, from her point of view, and also thoroughly Oh No; we can have a certain sympathy for Arceus in his shock at losing his children to becoming embodiments of the deadly sins, even while acknowledging he's an abusive dick.
I'm left sort of curious about Arceus's angle here generally. Venira mentions Arceus gave her a hairpin, and that's sufficient to unlock her window, which she calls attention to as being kind of dumb on Arceus's part; it made me wonder if Arceus had actually meant for this to happen all along, but the final scene makes me feel more like his shock is genuine. No one calls into question that he created the seraphs, which makes me wonder why they were created this way, whether something made it impossible for him to simply
not make them hunger for blood, or if it happened by accident in some way he couldn't predict. All in all it makes me curious about Arceus's role in this universe from here - is
he now out there trying to stop his vampire children? These aren't really criticisms, per se, so much as just the questions that I pondered as I read, knowing this is a spinoff of a larger story; as a free-standing story and entry in the contest, though, it does leave a lot of things ambiguous.
I do feel that as the legendary POV goes, in this story it's easy to forget at times that Venira even is a legendary Pokémon - her vibes feel strikingly like a human teenager a lot of the time, even as she's still in the process of learning emotion words and is casually talking about eating asteroids. In scenes like the one where she eats starfruits with Avareed while obviously crushing on him, I feel distinctly like I'm just reading about humans with magic powers raised in a quirky place. That's not inherently a bad thing - legendaries being able to take human form and/or being very humanlike in thinking is a perfectly valid choice for stories where that's the kind of legendaries the story needs. But it does mean in a contest that's about exploring legendary POVs, it might make it a little less noteworthy for the theme aspect.
There were a number of mechanical mistakes here and there, including several instances of homophone confusion ("bearing his teeth", "taught lips") and some present tense - something worth watching out for with a beta, I think. But it wasn't majorly distracting and didn't interrupt my reading much; for the most part it read smoothly.
All in all, I enjoyed the premise and core character dynamic of this story in particular and how you built up to the emotional climax. For the purposes of the contest I felt it did less with the legendary POV per se than some of the other entries, but as a story it was a fun read, and definitely intriguing backstory for Venira and her siblings.
Flyg0n
From the very start, the story is well entrenched in Venira’s pov. I love how you use the unique word choices, vocabulary, and even formatting to communicate Venira’s frustration, lack of knowledge, and of course wrath. She almost feels slightly childish in her outlook and world view. You do a good job communicating the idea of immaturity without straying too far from the idea of these powerful beings. Though I have to say I do wonder about age and developmental growth. No wonder Arceus didn’t want to give her anything yet.
I’m also fascinated by your worldbuilding here. It’s actually a really interesting idea here how Arceus is the one who specifically grants a domain to a seraph after a period of education. Seraphs also seem to switch freely between forms, but that kind of power can’t be used once you’re given form.
I think the highlight for me is definitely the relationship between Venira and Seraphs and Arceus. On my first reading, I initially believed it to simply be a case of pure rebellion and disobedience on Venira’s part. On my subsequent readings, I got the impression more was going on under the surface. Between Venira’s fear and Arceus' behavior, I wondered how much of it was Venira’s rebellious nature. Arceus gives off some tough vibes, even as a mostly benevolent creator here. Arceus definitely had his reasons not to allow them, ones I understand, but slides into harshness as well.
I appreciate the casual mentions of different relationships legendaries have with one another, and their strange starry Eden domain. These definitely add a sense of scope and grandeur. Giratina and Yveltal are sort of outcasts, and hang out, while others have either antagonistic or distant relations like how Venira seems to have a distaste for Palkia.
The culmination of the rebellion, with Venira escaping Eden and going to Earth and tasting blood was really cool, especially using the progressively larger font sizes and bold text. Very different. I think it worked great for this kind of story.
As a whole, I definitely enjoyed this glimpse of a fakemon blood based legendary, and their backstory for the rebellion they are about to start. As a small note, I found it kind of odd that in the face of all these mystical powers and whimsical places, apparently escaping Eden simply required... lockpicking a window? I definitely would have expected a magical seal or some other kind of way of keeping Seraphs in (although I suppose if he could keep them in human form it makes some sense?And I guess Arceus was being arrogant). Surprisingly plain and not magical.
Either way, a great story overall! Creating a well established lore for fakemon isn’t an easy task, and this story does it well.
Well done!