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Pokémon A Toxic Relationship: Recharged

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
Roxana Harrington, better known as “Roxie,” is stuck in a rut. At first, being the Virbank City Gym Leader was a pretty sweet gig, but thanks to a loophole in the League’s Difficulty system, things have changed—and not for the better. She hasn’t had a good battle in a long while, and she feels like she’s trapped in an invisible, inescapable cage. Not only that, but lately she's also had to deal with her father’s irresponsible antics and rumors of some shady characters in her city! All in all, things aren’t looking up for Unova's rock goddess.

On the other hand, Nathan Gong, better known as “Nate,” looks towards the future with excitement. A newbie Trainer, pop culture junkie and huge Koffing & the Toxics fanboy from Aspertia City, he’s determined to defeat take Champion Iris' title, impress his idol, Roxie, and finally make some friends (other than Hugh, of course). Sure, he’s overly emotional, socially awkward, and can’t seem to grasp the concept of personal space, but once he becomes Champion, none of that will matter anymore. After all, everyone respects loves Champions, right?

What will come of the fated meeting between these two wildly different people? Will they each prove to be just what the other needed, or will they annoy each other to death? Perhaps a mix of both? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure: this is gonna be one wild ride for them (and everyone involved).


★★★★★★

A TOXIC RELATIOSHIP: RECHARGED
A BassGuitarShipping Story

RATING:
Teen

GENRES:
Adventure/Romance

CONTENT WARNINGS:
Mild swearing, cartoon violence

★★★★★★
Whaddup, Thousand Roaders? This is John the Abra, and I'm here to finally share the first chapter of "A Toxic Relationship: Recharged!" I've been working on this thing for so many months, and it's finally finishedat least, finished to the point that I can post it on here. I'm so happy that I could cry. 😭

But before I tell you THAT story, though, let me tell you another story: the story of this story! As you may have already gussed, this isn't the first iteration of "A Toxic Relationship." I first tried to write this fanfic a few years back, alongside two of my friends; sadly (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), it fell through after Chapter 5 due to our creative differences and the fact that my friends were working on projects of their own. (You can find it here if you want to see it.) That's one reason as to why this story has the word "Recharged" added to its title. The other reason...well, let's just say, I'm so glad I waited until Generation VIII to remake this story. You’ll see why once I show you the cover.

This fanfic is primarily based on the story of BW2 (which are my favorite Pokemon games, incidentally), but it also includes stuff from Generations VI through VIII. It's also going to have a ton of influences from the anime, particularly concerning Roxie herself.

One more thing: I want this story to be spectacular, so I'm really counting on you guys for feedback before I post these chapters on sites like fanfiction.net and AO3. Any and all critique is welcome, even if it comes down to basic personal preferences or things you'd like to see happen within the story (after all, I may find that I agree with you!). Just keep it respectful, okay?

Well, with all that out of the way, let's get into this! Welcome to...

A Toxic Relationship_ Recharged Cover.jpg

(Oh, and just to clarify; MegaZardX2 is my handle on fanfiction.net, AO3 and PokeAmino. I only joined on here as John the Abra b/c that's my Discord name, but I'll be changing it and my name on here as soon as I can. Gotta have consistency, dont'cha know!)
 
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Chapter 1: "Two Trainers, Quite Different in Dignity"

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
CHAPTER 1: Two Trainers, Quite Different In Dignity

Virbank City was a city of contrast, but not everyone understood that. Some people from the more lavish parts of Unova, like Nimbasa and Undella, only saw Virbank’s dull concrete buildings, smoky skies, and the unconventional fashions of its populace. They referred to it with words like “dump,” “hovel,” and “slum.”

If those people ever bothered to take a closer look, they would have realized that there was a lot more to Virbank than met the eye. Drab as it was, it wasn’t a poor city. Not only was it a port town and therefore a center of trade in Unova, but it was also right next to Pokéstar Studios, the king of the film industry.

And as for the people? While some of them dressed and talked like cutthroats, most of them were not only kind and hospitable, but had big dreams—and not just dreams of becoming great Pokémon Trainers. From street musicians, dancers and DJs to aspiring actors, artists and even comedians, Virbank was a city filled with creative, talented souls.

But not all stars shine equally bright, and everyone knew who shone the brightest in this city of falling fog and rising stars. They also knew just where to find her.

After all, the doorway to her domain was marked with the striking symbol of a Pokémon League Gym.

♪~K! O! F! F! I! NG! KOFFING!~♪

Past that door, down two flights of stairs and through another door was one of the most unelaborate Gyms in Unova. It consisted of a battlefield and a stage, and not much else. Regardless, for many Virbankers and some non-Virbankers, it was the place to be.

A myriad of sounds filled the air—sounds of singing, guitar-playing, drumming, and especially cheering. People and Pokémon of all shapes and sizes were gathered around the battlefield, cheering at the tops of their lungs for the quartet onstage as colored lights danced around the room.

♪~K! O! F! F! I! NG!...KOFFING!~♪

To the left, a bald man wearing red shorts and a black biker jacket banged on the drums. Though his drums’ beats were loud, he looked oddly serene as he played with his eyes closed, twirling his drumsticks before smashing them down with great intensity.

To the right, a tall girl in a black tank top and a red plaid skirt played an electric guitar. She arched her back and let her tongue hang from her mouth while shredding chords, her long ponytail flying like a flag as she wildly bobbed her head.

The third member of the group floated above the rest, its face adorned with an unflinching, goofy expression. It wasn’t a human, but a purple, round creature the size of a beach ball. Mustard-colored gas flowed from its pores, creating a thin blanket of smoke onstage.

None of them shone the brightest, however. That honor belonged to the one on center stage—the lead singer and bassist of the band, the Gym Leader of Virbank City, and the person who everyone had come to see.

♪~K! O! F! F! I! NG!~♪

She stood shorter than her bandmates–well, her human bandmates, anyway–even though she was around their age, and her outfit of choice was a loose dress with blue and purple stripes. Her skin, almost as pale as a vampire’s, was illuminated by the colored spotlights, revealing freckles around her nose to the audience members closest to the stage.

Young though she was, the teen’s virtuosity surpassed that of many adult musicians. She performed with an Incineroar’s gusto and a Decidueye’s expertise, swinging her body and stamping her feet covered in long, black boots, while making powerful yet precise strums with her guitar pick. Her fierce, melodic voice and the deep tone of her bass reverberated throughout the room, standing out amongst the cacophony surrounding her.

♪~K! O! F! F! I! NG! KOFFING!~♪

Even as the crowd roared her name, she didn’t register any of it. She barely even felt the ground beneath her feet, almost as though she were walking on air. She was lost to reality. Lost in the music that she and her bandmates were creating.

But all good things must come to an end. As the song reached the last part of its final chorus, she ended her performance with an energetic jump and a final strum.

♪~K-O-F-F-I-NG-KOFFING!!!~♪

The Gym Leader’s ears were filled with the sounds of her pounding heart and labored breathing, but as the world slowly came into focus, she could hear the cries of “Rock and roll!” and “I love you, Roxie!” and “Toxics forever!” from her fans. She wiped the sweat off her brow and brushed her stark-white hair out of her face, stood herself up, and basked in the afterglow of her performance.

It was a feeling that Roxie never got tired of.

“HELLOOOOO, VRBANK CITYYYYYY!!!!” she cried. “ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!”

The crowd roared in response.

“Dang, we’ve got a huge crowd today! I’m seeing a lot of familiar faces!” Roxie looked over to one person in particular, a girl with green highlights in her hair. “Yo, Daya! Are those new highlights? They look totally sick!”

“OH MY MEW SHE KNOWS MY NAME!” Daya cried, nearly fainting from the shock.

Roxie chuckled. “And for all you newbies out there, welcome to our show! By the time we’re done with you, you’ll be one with the Sludge Wave, guaranteed!” she proclaimed. “You probably know who I am, but lemme introduce you to my buds! Over here on electric guitar, we’ve got the Shred Queen, Billy Jo!”

The tall girl shredded a chord on her guitar. “Yo!”

“Manning the drums, it’s our very own Beat Master, Nicky!”

The bald man did a short drum solo. “Wassup?”

“And, of course, the band wouldn’t be complete without my main ‘mon and expert smoke machine, Bruce the Koffing!” Roxie grinned up at her Pokémon. “Say hi to the audience, dude!”

“Koff, koffing!” the Poison Gas Pokémon grunted, releasing a puff of smoke.

“Anyways, now that I’m all amped up, I feel like doing a few battles before the next song!” Roxie said coyly, exciting the crowd even more. “So, who’s gonna be my first challenger today? Are any of you brave enough to help me and my Poison-types blow off some steam?”

“That’d be me!” a proud voice suddenly proclaimed.

Everyone’s attention turned to the doorway, where a girl wearing an orange-and-black outfit stood. Her hair was dyed blue and styled into twintails, and on her right wrist was the latest model of XTransciver.

Roxie's eyes narrowed as her challenger went down the stairs. Everything about this girl had the stench of a superiority complex—her cocky tone of voice, the way she swung her hips as she walked, and even how she looked at the people in the crowd.

Of course, Roxie also knew that as a Gym Leader, she couldn’t turn away challengers just because she didn’t like the cut of their jib. Plus, first impressions weren’t everything; maybe she was jumping to conclusions.

“Hey there, girlfriend! How’s it going?” Roxie called as the blue-haired girl stepped onto the battlefield. “You’re looking at the Virbank City Gym Leader, Roxie!”

“I know who you are,” the girl said. “You think I live under a rock?”

Roxie fought the urge to groan out loud. Obviously, her first impression had been spot on.

“Sooooo what about you? What’s your name, where’re you from and all that?”

“Lucille,” the girl answered. “Lucille Cavendish from Nimbasa City.”

“Nimbasa? Wicked! That’s a pretty long way from here! Guess that means you fought Elesa first, huh?”

“Fought her? It was barely even a fight,” Lucille said, her mouth curling into a cocky smirk. “She was a total piece of cake, and so was that creepy artist guy. I hope that you’ll turn out to be a little less boring. After all, you are one of the strongest Gym Leaders in Unova, aren’t you?”

“You know it!” Roxie said, trying to ignore Lucille’s clear sarcasm and insults towards her fellow Gym Leaders. “And don’t worry about getting bored. By the time we’re done, you’ll be so energized that—!”

Lucille interrupted the Gym Leader with a loud, clearly exaggerated yawn. “Can we get this over with? I have places to go, Badges to get. You know how it is.”

Three offenses in under two minutes—a brand new record. Roxie looked back at her bandmates, both of whom were also stunned by Lucille’s sheer audacity.

“Kick her ass,” Billy Jo mouthed silently. Nicky pounded his right hand into his left palm and nodded.

Their leader gave them a sly grin before turning back to face her opponent. “Okay, okay. If that’s how you feel, then let’s go! Hit it, guys!”

Nicky knocked his drumsticks together four times, and he and Billy Jo once again kicked into high gear as the crowd cheered and spotlights began to dance around the room. Lucille winced and almost covered her ears, but Roxie reveled in the chaotic noise around her.

“LISTEN UP!” she shouted into her mike. “It’s Virbank Gym battle time, and challenging the house is Lucille from Nimbasa City!” The Gym Leader looked to the side of the field. “Alright, referee! Kick it off!”

“You got it, Roxie!” Another spotlight shone on two figures: a sharply-dressed man and his Pokémon. The man tapped his own mike twice before speaking. “Your attention, everyone! Today’s first Gym battle is about to begin! As always, I’m Nigel, your referee—along with my buddy Kricketune, of course!”

“Krrrrrrricketune!” the Cricket Pokémon said, taking a graceful bow as the audience cheered for it and its Trainer.

“Now, before I explain the rules...Lucille!” Nigel said, sticking the mike close to her face. “You have a choice to make! Will you be battling the Gym Leader on Easy Mode, Normal Mode, or Challenge Mode?”

“Challenge Mode,” Lucille declared smugly, garnering mixed responses from the crowd—some cheers, some whispering, and some looks of pity.

“Challenge Mode it is!” Nigel announced. “Okay, here’s the deal. The Gym Leader and the challenger will use a team of four Pokemon each! Neither Trainer will be able to substitute Pokémon mid-battle! When all four Pokémon on one side are unable to continue fighting, this battle is history!” He paused for a split second. “And. Since the challenger is battling the Gym Leader on Challenge Mode with only two Badges, then if she wins, then the Badge she gets will count for three Badges! Do both sides understand the rules?”

“Yep!”

“Um, duh!”

“Then send out your Pokémon!”

“You rock, ref!” Roxie called. “Now, lemme think. Who should I use first? Veronica? Nah, maybe Morgan? Decisions, decisions. Hmmmm…”

“Arceus, hurry up already!” Lucille groaned.

“Ah, what the heck? Bruce, get out there and give them a show! Bang! Zoom!”

“Koffing!” Bruce floated out onto the field, its vacant look still plastered on its face as the crowd chanted its name with excitement. Lucille, however, was rather underwhelmed.

“A Koffing?” she scoffed. “You’re seriously gonna use an unevolved Pokémon? On Challenge Mode? Some ‘strongest Gym Leader’ you are.”

“Hey, now. Bruce ain’t your average Koffing,” Nicky interjected.

“That’s right! You better watch yourself, or he’ll take out your whole team!” Billy Jo added.

“We’ll just see about that,” Lucille said disbelievingly, taking a Luxury Ball from her belt. “Go, Vaporeon!”

She threw the Ball onto the field, releasing a Vaporeon with light purple skin. Many in the audience oohed and aahed at the Shiny Pokémon’s appearance, but it took no time to bask in the attention, immediately taking on a battle stance.

Roxie studied the Vaporeon intently. It looked very strong—too strong, in fact.

‘Oh great. She’s one of those types, isn’t she?’ Roxie mentally sighed. ‘Eh, who knows? Maybe this won’t be that boring.’

“Time to fasten your seatbelts, people!” Nigel declared, both him and Kricketune bringing their arms down to commence the battle. “LET’S ROCK THE HOUSE!”

★★★★★★

Just as Roxie and Lucille’s battle was about to begin, over in Aspertia City, another Gym battle was nearing its end.

“Herdier, let’s finish this. Use Take Down!” the Gym Leader, a black-haired young man in dress clothes, said.

His Pokémon barked and charged forth, its body covered in a faint golden glow.

“Severus, use Vine Whip to jump! Get as high as you can!” the challenger cried. The challenger’s Pokémon, a Snivy, gave its Trainer a curt nod as two long vines came out of its body. It slammed the vines down, pushing itself off the ground and into an upward somersault.

“What the—?”

“Leaf Blade!” the challenger said. As Severus reached the peak of its jump, its tail leaf was surrounded by a green aura. The Grass Snake uncurled its body and began to descend, perfectly positioned to strike.

“Oh no! Herdier, look out!” the Gym Leader cried out. Upon hearing his words, Herdier looked up and saw Severus falling towards it. The dog aborted its attack and tried to swerve to the left, but it was too late.

“SniiiVY!” Severus shouted as it hit Herdier over the head and gracefully landed in front of it. Herdier tried to stay up, but its vision clouded and it soon toppled over, completely out cold.

The referee, a boy around 9 years old, was hesitant to make the call. “Um...Herdier is unable to battle! Snivy wins, so the winner of this Gym battle is the challenger, Nate!” He then added sadly, “And Mr. Cheren loses...”

Nate remained silent for a few seconds as the reality of what just happened sank in.

He’d fought his very first Gym battle...and he’d won.

He’d won.

“YAHOO!” he cheered, running out onto the field and wrapping his Pokémon up in a tight hug. “Severus, you totally nailed it! You were amazing out there, bud!”

“Vyyyyyy,” the Snivy groaned, begrudgingly accepting its Trainer’s show of affection.

Cheren watched Nate celebrate his victory, unable to not smile at the boy’s exuberance. He then turned his attention over to his Herdier, kneeling down to its level and stroking it lovingly.

“Well done, Herdier,” Cheren said, taking a Poké Ball out of his pocket. “Take a good rest. You’ve earned it.” The Gym Leader returned Herdier to its Poké Ball and looked to the side of the field, where two other Trainers and six kids were watching. “Sorry, Bianca. Looks like I’ve gotten a bit rusty in the past two years.”

“Cheren, don’t be silly. You were awesome!” one of the Trainers said. “Great going, Nate! You actually beat him on your first try, just like Hugh said you would!”

“What’d I tell you, Bianca?” Hugh said. “He’s got good instincts. That’s why I made him my rival!”

On the other hand, the kids were less than pleased.

“Aw, man. I can’t believe our teacher lost.”

“And in his very first Gym battle, too...”

“That can’t be right! Mr. Cheren is super-strong! Who does that guy think he is?”

“Now, now,” Cheren chided. “After a battle ends, you’re supposed to congratulate the winner, not hurl insults.”

“Yes, Mr. Cheren,” the students droned, clearly not in a congratulatory mood.

“And speaking of which,” the Gym Leader said as he turned to Nate, “congratulations on your victory. That was a great battle, especially your last attack. Using Snivy’s momentum to boost Leaf Blade’s power was quite clever!”

“You think so?” Nate asked sheepishly. “Honestly, it just came to me at the moment. I probably got it from one of the shonen anime I was watching last night.”

“Believe me, not many beginning Trainers would have thought to do that,” Cheren said. “In fact, I only know of one, although I guess she’s not a ‘beginner’ anymore, considering that she’s defeated Alder and all...”

“Wait a sec. Are you talking about Hilda White?!” Nate gasped. “As in, the Champion who never was? The Hero of Ideals?”

Cheren smiled. “I am. She’s a good friend of mine, and Bianca’s, too. We were all fierce rivals on our journeys —well, me and Hilda were. Bianca was never really that big on competitive battling.”

Nate turned back to Bianca with his jaw dropped. “How could you not tell me?! That’s so cool!”

“Hehehe...sorry about that,” Bianca chuckled. “It never really came up, and I don’t go around advertising it.”

“You remind me of her quite a bit, you know,” Cheren said wistfully. “She’s reckless and not the type to plan things out, but the strategies she thinks up mid-battle are amazing. Even when it seems like she’s lost, she and her Pokémon always pull through somehow...” The Gym Leader paused. “Haha, sorry. I got a bit wrapped up in my own memories there.”

“N-no! It’s fine, I swear!” Nate stammered. He wasn’t annoyed by Cheren’s speech, but rather, stunned that he was being compared to someone like Hilda.

“At any rate,” Cheren said as he reached into his right pocket, “I may have lost, but I’m glad that you were my first challenger as a Gym Leader. And so, in honor of the strength that you and your Pokémon have shown me, I give you this: the Basic Badge!” Cheren opened his hand, revealing a small, metal badge in the shape of a book’s spine.

“Aw yeah!” Nate said, happily taking the Badge. The boy then stepped back and took a deep breath.

“Oh Arceus, here it comes,” Hugh groaned.

“With the power that rests in the palm of my hand... and the power from within the hearts of my Pokémon partners...I. HAVE. WON!!” Nate declared, striking a triumphant and overly-dramatic pose as he held his new Badge to the sky. “Basic Badge acquired!”

Everyone stared at Nate with stunned silence, except for Hugh and Severus, who both buried their faces in their hands out of sheer embarrassment.

Eventually, Cheren broke the silence. “Do...do you do that after every battle you win?”

“Of course not!” Nate laughed. “I only do it after the important ones! Otherwise, it’d get old pretty quickly.”

“It was old before it even began,” Hugh muttered.

“Er...well, anyways,” Cheren said. “I also have to give you this. This is Technical Machine #83, or TM83 for short. With this, your Pokémon can learn the move Work Up!”

“Sweet!” Nate said as he accepted the gift. “Well, it’s gonna take at least a day for me to get to my next destination, so I should—”

“Hold on!” Cheren called. “Before you go, I have a quick question: why did you send out Snivy against Herdier at all?”

“That was weird,” Bianca added. “You might’ve won sooner if you’d kept using your Riolu.”

Nate was about to answer, but was interrupted as a stream of light emerged from his bag and materialized into a Riolu. The bipedal jackal pup looked up at Nate with a rather miffed expression, clearly also hungry for an explanation.

“Caulifla, don’t you give me that attitude. You took out one, and Severus took out one. Fair’s fair, right?” Nate chided. He smiled and patted his Riolu’s head. “You’ll get more chances to fight next time, okay? I promise.”

“Rio!” the Fighting-type barked indignantly, crossing its arms and pouting. Sadly, its attempt to look angry was foiled by its tail, which wagged excitedly at the promise of future battles–and also because of the petting.

Nate chuckled and turned his attention back to Cheren. “Well, to be honest, it just felt right to get my first Gym Badge with my first Pokémon. Plus, Severus won’t get to do much in the next Gym, so I wanted to give him some time to shine.”

“Which Gym would that be?”

“The one in Virbank City, of course!”

Cheren and Bianca’s eyes widened, along with all of the students’, one of whom even gasped. Meanwhile, Hugh didn’t look surprised whatsoever.

“Woah woah woah! You’re challenging the Virbank Gym next?” Bianca asked. “Are you serious?”

“Yep!” Nate said cheerfully. “It’s a Poison-type Gym, and Severus is a Grass-type, so he’s not gonna be very useful…N-not that you’d be totally useless, Severus! Heh heh...”

“Sni,” Severus apathetically replied.

Cheren coughed. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Virbank Gym is one of the toughest Gyms in Unova, even on Easy Mode. Many Trainers skip it enti—.”

“I know all of that,” Nate interrupted. “I don’t live under a rock, you know.”

“Then why are you challenging it so soon?”

“Mostly ‘cause he’s the biggest Sludge Waver in the entire world,” Hugh said. “Seriously, you have got to see his collection of Toxics merch. It’s absolutely insane.”

“Huuugh,” Nate whined, “I told you not to call me that. It’s an unofficial term, and it’s super lame!” Hugh just gave his friend a satisfied smirk and shrugged, while Bianca lightly chuckled.

"Are you really that big of a fan?" Cheren asked.

Nate’s eyes suddenly lit up at the Gym Leader’s question, and his mouth curled into a grin. “Heh heh heh...Does THIS answer your question, my good man?” the rookie Trainer said in a proud tone of voice. He dramatically turned around, showing off his backpack to Cheren. Attached to it was a silver-colored charm in the shape of a grinning Koffing.

"A...Koffing charm?"

“This isn’t just ANY Koffing charm,” Nate corrected. “It’s the limited edition Platinum charm that was only sold at Koffing and the Toxics’ Anniversary Concert six months back! I didn’t go to that one–honestly, I haven’t gone to any of their live concerts yet–but I did manage to find the charm on Craigslist! The guy who had it was a real hard case, though. I had to trade my first edition, shadowless—“

"N-not to interrupt,” Cheren interrupted, “but can you back up, please?"

"...hm?" Nate paused, realizing that his face was inches away from Cheren's. He yelped and quickly backed away. "O-oh! Sorry about that! I...do that a lot."

“It’s fine,” Cheren said with a sigh. “At any rate, if that’s your reason, then I’d suggest–”

“Oh, that’s not the only reason,” Nate interrupted again. “I’m also going there because the Virbank Gym is the closest one to home besides yours–but that’s not the main reason. The main reason I’m going there is because I’ve already got a foolproof plan to beat Roxie.”

“‘Foolproof,’ huh?” Cheren questioned. “I hate to break it to you, but no battle strategy is one-hundred-percent foolproof.”

“Oh, this one definitely is! The only catch is that it only works on Easy Mode, so I have to fight her second or third if I’m gonna have a shot at beating her.”

“I see,” Cheren said, a hint of amusement in his voice. “Well, I’ll make sure to tell Roxie to watch out, then. You might actually provide her with a challenge.”

“You will?! Oh my Mew, thank you!” Nate squealed, shaking Cheren’s hand forcefully.

“N-no problem at all!” the Gym Leader stammered, surprised at Nate’s grip strength. In retrospect, he now saw that Nate was even more like his old friend than he’d thought.

“Well, I’d better get going now. See you, Bianca! Good luck with your battle, Hugh!”

“Who needs luck,” the spiky-haired boy gloated, “when you’ve got skills like mine?” He turned towards Cheren. “Alright, you! Prepare for your second loss in a row!”

“Well, you certainly are confident, aren’t you?” Cheren chuckled. “Okay, then. Let’s battle!”

“What’s up with that weak answer?! Just for that, I’m gonna kick your butt twice as hard!”

“Bye, Nate! Make sure not to fanboy too hard in your battle with Roxie, or you’ll probably lose!” Bianca cried out as she waved.

“Don’t worry! I won’t!” Nate called back, though in truth, he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to prevent such a thing from happening. The Trainer looked down at his Pokémon. “You guys ready to go? We’ve got a pretty long walk ahead.”

“Snivy.”

“Riolu!”

Nate beamed with pride, knowing that what he was feeling right now was what all Trainers—well, the good ones—felt towards their Pokémon. This knowledge and security, that as long as he believed in them and they believed in him, no opponent or threat could ever stand in their way. It was a wonderful feeling indeed.

Thus, as the trio set off from Nate’s hometown, the boy wasn’t worried at all. In fact, only one thought filled his head:

‘Just you wait, Roxie. Pretty soon, your Toxic Badge will be mine—and your autograph!’

★★★★★★

“Are you sure you don’t wanna forfeit and try again later?”

Lucille didn’t answer the question. In fact, she barely heard it at all. Roxie’s voice, the music from Billy Jo and Nicky, the crowd’s cheers, and almost all other sounds were drowned out by her rapid heartbeat and panicked thoughts.

Within less than 10 minutes, the girl’s cocky confidence had given way into sheer terror—and the worst part? It was all because of one Pokémon.

From the beginning, Bruce had shown exactly why it was on Roxie’s Challenge Mode team. Its speed was far greater than that of most Koffing, which, combined with its considerable strength, made it a force to be reckoned with. The Poison-type had defeated Lucille’s Vaporeon, Aerodactyl and Girafarig in a flash, and now even Gothitelle was almost down for the count.

‘No, no, no!’ she screamed internally. ‘This can’t really be happening to me. This has to be a nightmare! All of my Pokémon were bred for competitive battling! Mom and Dad spent thousands of dollars on their training! They can’t lose! The only reason I challenged Roxie was so that I could brag about beating her, but—!’

“What’s wrong, huh? Delcatty got your tongue?” Roxie taunted. “You said you wanted to get this battle over with, didn’t you?”

Lucille gritted her teeth. She refused to be beaten like this. “You little—GAH! Gothitelle, show them your true power! Use Nasty Plot!”

“Gooooth...” Gothitelle growled, glaring at Koffing as dark thoughts formed in its mind. After a few moments, its body was surrounded by a red aura.

“Now, use Psyshock and destroy that floating tumor!” Gothitelle lifted its arms up, and a ring of purple energy blobs formed in front of it. The Astral Body Pokémon hurled them at Bruce, but the Koffing skillfully dodged every one of them, making Lucille even angrier.

‘You really just don’t learn, do you?’ Roxie thought. “Bruce, Gyro Ball!”

“Koffing!” Bruce grunted. In the blink of an eye, the Poison-type made a sharp turn and blitzed towards Gothitelle. As its body took on a silvery sheen, Bruce rammed its humanoid opponent in the gut and sent it flying across the field.

“Gothitelle, no!”

“Sludge Bomb!”

Bruce took a deep breath and fired brown globs of sludge from its mouth which hit Gothitelle, creating a plume of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Lucille was horrified to see a purple blush on her Pokémon’s face and purple bubbles emanating from its body.

“No! Not again!” the blue-haired girl cried. “Gothitelle, get up! GET UP!”

“Go...thi...” The Psychic-type gritted its teeth and tried to stand, but the poison slowly ate away at the last of its vitality. A few moments later, and it gave out a low moan as it slumped to the floor, defeated.

“Gothitelle is unable to battle! Koffing wins, which means the victor of this battle is the Gym Leader, Roxie!” Nigel announced.

“Ketune!” his Kricketune trilled in agreement.

Cheering filled the room as the music ceased and Roxie let out a small sigh. She hadn’t broken a sweat.

‘Really? That’s it? What an underwhelming battle to start the day with,’ the Gym Leader thought. ‘Ah, well.’ She looked at her defeated opponent. “Y’know, you’re actually not so bad. You lasted longer than most of my challengers, but if you’re gunning for the League, then you’ve got a long way to go.”

Like before, Lucille didn’t respond. Instead, she simply returned Gothitelle to its Ball and fell to her knees.

“No way...There’s no way…” the Trainer whispered. “All of my Pokémon lost? To an unevolved Koffing?!”

“They sure did,” Roxie answered. “Evolution isn’t the only way to make a Pokémon powerful, you know!”

“Koffing!” Bruce agreed.

“Sorry, kiddo,” Billy Jo said with a shrug. “Can’t say we didn’t try to warn you.”

“You really should’ve listened when we told you not to underestimate Bruce,” Nicky agreed.

“Shut up, you two-bit flunkies!” Lucille shouted, rising to her feet. The girl’s eyes brimmed with pure hatred as she glared at Roxie, who had already had it up to the ceiling with Lucille’s awful attitude and was starting to get really angry. “You cheated, didn’t you? That has to be it!”

Jo tried to intercede. She knew exactly where this was headed. “Alright, you need to calm down before you—”

“There’s NO WAY you could have actually won against my entire team with ONE POKÉMON, especially not a low-level, disgusting creature like a Koffing!”

...

That. Was. IT.

“This coming from the one who didn’t even catch and train her own Pokémon?”

Lucille froze up. “W-what? How did—?”

“How’d I know?” Roxie finished. She took out Bruce’s Poké Ball, returned the Koffing to it and began walking down the stage and towards Lucille. “See, I’m pretty good at picking up on stuff, and the way you interacted with your Pokémon during our battle told me that your bond with them is pretty much zero. And from how they fought, I could also tell that they’ve got way more battle experience than you.”

Lucille felt a strange sort of pressure in the air as the audience quieted down and Roxie got up in her face, as though she was being stared down by an extremely powerful Pokémon. As the Trainer looked into the Gym Leader’s electric-blue eyes, she could see the angry and volatile energy within them, causing her to break out into a cold sweat.

Nicky chimed in this time, attempting to de-escalate the situation. “Um, Roxie? Maybe you should—”

“That’s also how,” Roxie continued, too filled with rage to hear her friend’s words anymore, “from the moment you arrived, I knew exactly what kind of person you were. I knew that you’d choose to battle me on Challenge Mode, and I knew that I’d totally wipe the floor with you.” She chucked mirthlessly. “Then again, I did get one thing wrong: I overestimated you. I thought you’d at least put up more of a fight than that.”

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?” Lucille asked with disbelief. “Are you saying I’m not a good Trainer?”

“If the shoe fits,” Roxie snapped.

“N...n-no! You’re wrong!”

“Oh, really? Tell me something. Did you do anything to get ready for this battle?”

“Of course I did! I taught my Vaporeon and Aerodactyl Psychic-type attacks!” Lucille said. “Do you know how hard it was to teach them Stored Power and Psychic Fangs? Galarian TRs aren’t easy to find in this region, you know!”

“Oh wow, banking on type advantage. Real smart,” Roxie praised sarcastically. “Never mind that Stored Power does pretty much no damage at all unless its user boosts its stats first, which your Vaporeon couldn’t do since it has no status moves. But you already knew that, didn't you? After all, you’re such a great Trainer, right?”

Lucille kept her lips sealed. She had not known that.

“And since we’re talking type matchups, let’s say that instead of Bruce, I’d used my Drapion, Morgan. You wanna know what types a Drapion is? Poison and Dark. As in, immune to Psychic-type moves. What would you have done then, huh?”

Lucille had not considered that possibility, either.

“But…but that’s not fair.”

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I said, that’s not fair,” Lucille reiterated. “How was I supposed to know you had a Drapion on your team?”

“Gee, I dunno. You could’ve LOOKED IT UP,” Roxie retorted. “That’s usually what people do before really important battles—but you didn’t, ‘cause you were so excited to defeat me and get some street cred, that you were willing to throw your Pokémon into a fight that you weren’t even ready for!”

“But I...I mean, I just—”

“And to top it all off,” the Virbank City Gym Leader continued, full-on shouting at this point, “you can’t even take responsibility for your own darn loss! No, instead you throw a tantrum and insult my buds, my partners! Like it’s THEIR fault that YOU SUCK SO HARD!”

The arena was now completely silent save for two sounds: the ringing echoes of Roxie’s shouting...and Lucille’s soft sobbing. Tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her face, completely ruining her makeup. The girl who’d entered Virbank Gym so sure of victory had been reduced to a crying, blubbering mess.

“I...” Lucille began, her voice choking up with shame. “I’m sorry.” She turned to Billy Jo and Nicky, and gave them a slight bow. “I’m so sorry…”

“Apology accepted,” Roxie said with grim satisfaction. “Don’t come back here until you’re a Trainer worthy of those Pokémon of yours—and try to get off your high horse in the meantime, kay?”

“Th..th-thank you for your t-time, Gym Leader,” Lucille said. With that, she ran up the stairs and out of the Gym, crying softly and wiping away her tears and makeup as she went.

As the door closed behind Lucille, Roxie took a deep breath. She hadn’t wanted to get so angry, but that challenger had pushed her patience way too far. The Gym Leader turned back to her audience, who were collectively stupefied by what they had just witnessed.

“Soooo…um...that was something,” Roxie said. “Welp, who’s next? Anyone else wanna battle me, or...?”

“...o-oh! Me next! Me next!” a voice called out. Roxie looked in the voice’s direction to see a younger boy wearing an orange shirt, an orange cap and black shorts wading his way through the crowd.

“Hey, challenger! What’s your story?”

“I’m Terrell!” the boy answered as he hoisted himself onto the battlefield. “I started my journey from Floccesy Town about two weeks ago, and now I’m here for my first Badge!”

“Seriously? You’re challenging me first?” Roxie asked. “Are you sure you’re up for it? I really don’t need any more sore losers today.”

“That won’t be a problem!” Terrell declared, flipping his cap backwards and grinning. “Because I’m not losing!”

Roxie returned his grin with one of her own. “You’ve got guts, kid! Challenge accepted!”

Nicky raised his drumsticks once again, and with four clicks and a count of “One, two, three, four,” he and Billy Jo resumed playing their instruments.

“Yo! Everyone give it up for my next challenger, Terrell from Floccesy Town!” Roxie cried. The crowd heeded her command and cheered in support of Terrell, whose face lit up with excitement and energy—just how Roxie liked it. “You know what to do, ref!”

‘I really wish you’d use my name one of these days…’ Nigel thought. “Ladies and gents, it’s almost time for the next battle to begin—but before that, you have to make a choice, Terrell! Will you be fighting on Easy, Normal, or Challenge Mode?”

“Easy Mode!”

Easy Mode. Two words which caused Roxie’s stomach to turn inside out every time she heard them. The little bit of excitement she’d had began to fizzle out, but just as she’d done many times before, she maintained her animated facade. Maybe things would be different this time. Maybe this kid wasn’t like the others.

‘Maybe one day, Tepig will learn how to use Fly,’ the Gym Leader thought bitterly.

“Easy Mode, eh?” Nigel said. “Then here are the rules! Each side will use a team of two Pokémon each. Also, only the challenger will be able to substitute Pokémon. Once all the Pokémon on one side are unable to keep going, this battle’s history! Do both sides understand?”

“Yep!”

“Yes, sir!”

“Then release your Pokémon!”

“Whirlipede, let’s do this! Bang! Zoom!” Roxie cried, throwing the Poké Ball and releasing a Whirlipede onto the battlefield. It zoomed around, kicking up dust and eliciting cheers before settling in front of its Trainer.

“Whhhhhirlipede!” it trilled aggressively. Its voice was shrill and hoarse, much like a high-pitched motorcycle engine. To the Bug and Poison-type’s disappointment, however, Terrell wasn’t intimidated at all.

“Whirlipede, huh?” the boy said. “Looks like a pretty tough Pokémon!”

“It is! It’s the toughest on my Easy Mode team!” Roxie boasted. “Normally, I’d start with Koffing or Grimer, but since you’re so confident, I figured I’d bring out the big guns first. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” Terrell answered. “It doesn’t matter what you bring out first! None of your Pokémon stand a chance against the one I caught yesterday!” He took a Great Ball out of his pocket, flashing it to his opponent. “You won’t even know what hit you!”

In actuality, Roxie had a very good idea of what was about to hit her. She just really wanted to be wrong.

‘Please, let it be anything else. It can be a freaking Legendary for all I care. Just please, please not another—!’

“Now, go!”

Both Roxie and Whirlipede felt all of their hopes go up in smoke the moment Terrell’s Pokémon was revealed. Its spherical, metallic body adorned with screws and magnets was one they’d seen many times, and they both knew what its appearance meant.

It meant that they’d already lost.

“Mmmagnemiiite.”
 
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BossCar

Pokémon Trainer
Pronouns
He/His
This is well written. I liked the descriptions and the characters stick out.

Although, what if the legendary was also a Steel-type 🤔
 

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
Although, what if the legendary was also a Steel-type 🤔
What, like Cobalion or something? Then she’d still be pretty disappointed, but also grateful that it’s not another Magnemite. Besides, it is quite an honor to face a Legendary in battle.
 
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Negrek

Abscission Ascendant
Staff
Glad to see you posting this! It's an interesting start to the story--really fees like a classic journeyfic, but I'm guessing it's not going to turn out that way in the end. I'm definitely curious about what's going to happen once Nate and Roxie meet up; is she going to join him on his journey (seems less likely, since presumably she's already done one)? Set off on her own adventure that causes her to cross paths with Nate here and there across the region? Will they both get caught up in something completely different (and perhaps Plasma-related)? No big hints yet, but I think you do a nice job of establishing Roxie and Nate's characters in your opening here, as well as telegraphing their eventual meeting. You've already got me excited for it, so I think that's working out as hoped!

I enjoyed your opening description of Virbank City; I'm not sure whether the contrast between Unovan's perceptions of the place and what it's actually like to live there is something that's talked about much in the games/anime or your own idea of what it's like, but I thought you did a nice job of introducing the place and also showing some of Virbank's vibrancy in your opening chapter. The way you portrayed Roxie's battle integrated with her heavy metal show was a lot of fun, and the showmanship on Roxie and her bandmates' part made it come to life. So far the tone of the story's been closely in line with that of the anime; it's got a bit of that over-the-top flair to it.

Even after this one chapter I can start to see how Nate and Roxie are going to clash when they meet up. They both have a lot of passion and competitive spirit, and they're both clearly big into battling. I imagine they're going to energize each other and possibly develop a bit of a rivalry--I doubt either of them would be content to be outshone by the other. Thus far I've found Roxie a bit more interesting than Nate, simply since the latter has a bit of that "shonen protagonist" thing going on that's pretty typical for the stars of trainerfic, but he has plenty of time to grow and differentiate himself a bit.

One thing I wasn't so sure of in this chapter was Roxie's battle against Lucille. What I think you're going for here is to establish Roxie as a talented battler and someone who's not being challenged the way she wants in her job. To me, it looks like this is going to come across more clearly in her battle with Terrell, since it looks like this is a fight she's going to find boring/frustrating. While the battle with Lucille didn't sound like it was at all exciting from a difficulty perspective, it did sound like Roxie enjoyed getting to put Lucille in her place; I doubt it's the kind of fight Roxie really wanted to be having, but I also didn't get a real sense of dissatisfaction/ennui from it. And Lucille herself felt more like a cariacature to me than a real person, someone with basically zero redeeming qualities who's pretty much just there for the audience to dislike and for a main character to be able to gloat about demolishing, guilt-free.

All in all, this first chapter reads very clean. You've obviously taken a lot of care in putting this chapter together. There were a few comments I had on individual lines:

While some of them dressed and talked like cutthroats, most of them were not only kind and hospitable, but had big dreams—and not just dreams of becoming great Pokémon Trainers.
Hmm, what do cutthroats dress like?

But not all stars shine equally bright, and everyone knew who shined the brightest in this city of falling fog and rising stars.

None of them shined the brightest, however.
"Shined" is a transitive verb, which means that you use it when shining is being done to something, like "she shined the old trophies" or "he shined another pair of shoes." For cases like this, where someone/something is shining themselves, you want to use "shone" instead.

It consisted mostly of a battlefield and a stage, and not much else.
The "mostly" at the start of the sentence makes the "and not much else" at the end feel redundant to me.

“That’d be me!” a proud, conveniently-timed voice proclaimed.
"Conveniently-timed" strikes me as an odd descriptor here--it makes me think this exchange was scripted, although clearly it's supposed to have been spontaneous. What about the timing here is convenient (rather than "appropriate," I guess).

Since the challenger is battling the Gym Leader on Challenge Mode with only two Badges, then if she wins, then the Badge she gets will count for three Badges!
This is a real interesting tidbit. How does the League keep track of this? Would Lucille have gotten a badge that physically looks different from the "standard" Virbank badge?

He then added sadly “And Mr. Cheren loses...”
You want a comma after "sadly."

He then turned his attention over to his Herdier, kneeling down to its level and stroked it lovingly.
You want "stroking" rather than "stroked" here.

“And in his very first Gym battle, to...”
*too

The girl’s eyes brimming with pure hatred as she glared at Roxie, who had already had it up to the ceiling with Lucille’s awful attitude and was starting to get really angry.
*brimmed

I'm really curious to see where Roxie's section goes from here--why is magnemite in particular such a threat? Since she's clearly a very competent battler, surely she would have come up with a strategy for handling it by now, since she's recognized it as a threat... And while magnemite's movepool doesn't give it great options against a magnemite, it does get some not-bad ones! So I guess you've got my strategist brain churning, haha.

Wherever you go with this next, I think this is a very solid opener. Your rewrite process has probably given you a lot of opportunity to add some polish! Thanks for sharing this, and I hope your writing (revising?) is going well.
 

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
Glad to see you posting this! It's an interesting start to the story--really fees like a classic journeyfic, but I'm guessing it's not going to turn out that way in the end. I'm definitely curious about what's going to happen once Nate and Roxie meet up; is she going to join him on his journey (seems less likely, since presumably she's already done one)? Set off on her own adventure that causes her to cross paths with Nate here and there across the region? Will they both get caught up in something completely different (and perhaps Plasma-related)? No big hints yet, but I think you do a nice job of establishing Roxie and Nate's characters in your opening here, as well as telegraphing their eventual meeting. You've already got me excited for it, so I think that's working out as hoped!
Well, I'm glad that you're glad–and I'm very glad that you're as excited for this as I am!

I enjoyed your opening description of Virbank City; I'm not sure whether the contrast between Unovan's perceptions of the place and what it's actually like to live there is something that's talked about much in the games/anime or your own idea of what it's like, but I thought you did a nice job of introducing the place and also showing some of Virbank's vibrancy in your opening chapter. The way you portrayed Roxie's battle integrated with her heavy metal show was a lot of fun, and the showmanship on Roxie and her bandmates' part made it come to life. So far the tone of the story's been closely in line with that of the anime; it's got a bit of that over-the-top flair to it.
Good to know that I did Virbank City and the Toxics justice with my exposition! Also, that stuff about the contrast between Virbank's reputation and its true nature was my own idea.

Even after this one chapter I can start to see how Nate and Roxie are going to clash when they meet up. They both have a lot of passion and competitive spirit, and they're both clearly big into battling. I imagine they're going to energize each other and possibly develop a bit of a rivalry--I doubt either of them would be content to be outshone by the other. Thus far I've found Roxie a bit more interesting than Nate, simply since the latter has a bit of that "shonen protagonist" thing going on that's pretty typical for the stars of trainerfic, but he has plenty of time to grow and differentiate himself a bit.
Yeah, I can see what you mean. I had a scene which was displaying Nate's more unique traits, but I ended up cutting it out. Maybe I'll add it back in at some point, but don't worry about it too much; the next chapter will help to flesh out his character a bit more.

One thing I wasn't so sure of in this chapter was Roxie's battle against Lucille. What I think you're going for here is to establish Roxie as a talented battler and someone who's not being challenged the way she wants in her job. To me, it looks like this is going to come across more clearly in her battle with Terrell, since it looks like this is a fight she's going to find boring/frustrating. While the battle with Lucille didn't sound like it was at all exciting from a difficulty perspective, it did sound like Roxie enjoyed getting to put Lucille in her place; I doubt it's the kind of fight Roxie really wanted to be having, but I also didn't get a real sense of dissatisfaction/ennui from it. And Lucille herself felt more like a cariacature to me than a real person, someone with basically zero redeeming qualities who's pretty much just there for the audience to dislike and for a main character to be able to gloat about demolishing, guilt-free.
Well, you pretty much hit the nail on the head concerning Lucille's personality and intended purpose (although you may soon find that it isn't quite as simple as that). To your point about Roxie's satisfaction during the battle, while she did get some satisfaction out of putting Lucille in her place, the snarky, energetic behavior she displayed was mostly just an act for the crowd. She couldn't make it too obvious that she was bored, after all, or her audience would be bored with her! That being said, I suppose I could've made that a bit more obvious.

Hmm, what do cutthroats dress like?
Basically punk/rock fashion. Leather jackets, crazy/dyed hairstyles, piercings, tattoos, etc. (Of course, not EVERYONE in the city dresses like that; it's mostly the teens.)

This is a real interesting tidbit. How does the League keep track of this? Would Lucille have gotten a badge that physically looks different from the "standard" Virbank badge?
That's a good question that I didn't think to ask. A different shape is definitely one possible option, but perhaps I could make it so that Badges are colored differently depending on how many they count for. Badges which count for just one Badge would have the usual coloring, Badges which count for two would be silver, and Badges which count for three would be gold–or something along those lines. I'll have to think about it a bit...

I'm really curious to see where Roxie's section goes from here--why is magnemite in particular such a threat? Since she's clearly a very competent battler, surely she would have come up with a strategy for handling it by now, since she's recognized it as a threat... And while Whirlipede's movepool doesn't give it great options against a magnemite, it does get some not-bad ones! So I guess you've got my strategist brain churning, haha.
First off, I believe you meant to write "Whirlipede" instead of "Magnemite" there. Second off, I'll be revealing the reason as to why Magnemite is such a problem for Roxie–although, if you want a bit of a hint, try looking up the movesets of Roxie's 'mons on Easy Mode and Magnemite's location in BW2.

Anyways, I'm glad you liked my first chapter, and I'm so thankful for such comprehensive feedback. I want to get Roxie & Nate's tale right this time around, so this will serve me well for making potential revisions to this chapter and for writing future chapters. Here's hoping you continue to enjoy my story!
 

Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
Hello there and welcome!

First of all, let me say I'm glad to see someone else besides myself still writing about gen 5, and about canon characters! I really enjoy seeing stories that explore and flesh out relationships between canon characters, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this!

From the description, I also like that you have a socially awkward guy as a main character. These kinds of people can really get the short end of the stick a lot (in real life), so it'll be interesting to see things from that point of view!

Getting into the story, I also like that you're taking an in-game location and fleshing it out a bit more--not just with description, but giving it a reputation, and having a unique take on its advantages in terms of proximity to Pokestar Studios and the people who live there.

A couple of suggestions:

When you introduce the band on stage, you take some time to describe each one, focusing mostly on appearance (outfits, etc.) This is a pattern that's really easy to fall into (and I've been guilty of myself), but it also can come across as really new-writer-ish. For one thing, there are a variety of ways of establishing characterization, so you can try to incorporate a greater variety of these (especially when introducing an important character). Besides appearance, there's also:

-Actions, gestures, posture, etc.
-Dialogue (what they say)
-What other characters say or think about them
-What they think about themselves

But also, taking a step back, in this sort of situation it's also worth asking yourself whether it's even necessary to give a description of each person in turn. From reading the chapter, I see that the bandmates are all characters that have a bit of importance and some other spoken lines/roles in the chapter, but rather than giving a run-down of hairstyles/outfits, is it possible to focus on a memorable visual detail or gesture? The drummer twirling his drumsticks in the air before smashing them down on the drums, the guitarist tossing sweaty hair out of her eyes, the colored lights flashing off of xyz . . . you don't have to use any of these, I'm just tossing out some ideas to give you a sense of what I mean. A professional example I really admire is the opening chapter of The Summer Tree by Guy Gavriel Kay where the author introduces the main characters Paul, Kevin, Dave, Kim, and Jennifer. There are five of them, but he very concisely gives readers an idea of each one's personality through their actions and their interactions with each other. (This part is early enough in the book you can read it on Amazon's free preview, if you are interested.)

Another suggestion is that there are some places where your writing uses a lot of adjectives, and that bogs it down and robs it of its energy (for example, the 2 paragraphs introducing Roxie). In contrast, just above that, phrases like "shredded chords" or "gas flowed from its pores, creating a thin blanket of smoke onstage" have a lot more verbs and nouns, making them more active and energetic.

I really enjoyed the kinds of things that both the audience and Roxie called out, though--it's a very rock concert atmosphere!

Also another nitpick here, about phrases like "Oh, my Mew" or "Oh, my Arceus." Let me preface this by saying, please know that you have the choice to do what you want, so you absolutely do not have to take this suggestion if you don't want to. This is just my personal opinion on how they come across to me. Personally, I find these phrases always strike me with a strong sense of incongruity. There are a couple of reasons. One is that "God" isn't a name, but "Mew" and "Arceus" are names. "My God" makes sense because it's like saying "my creator" (regardless of whether the person saying it doesn't have any such belief) or "my deity whom I worship" (if they do). If it's a specific name, people generally don't preface it with "Oh, my..." The other reason is, Japanese people coming from a polytheistic (Shinto) perspective do not go around saying phrases like "Oh my Amaterasu!" They really do not have any expressions of surprise or oaths or curse words or anything like that that makes reference to Shinto gods, at all. And other pagan cultures also don't seem to have gone around saying "Oh, my Zeus!" or "Oh, my Odin!" as far as I know. They had different kinds of oaths they used, if any. Actually, though, if you want to get technical about the location the region is based on, Unova is based on New York, so there's no reason to necessarily even have your characters be polytheistic people who believe that Mew and Arceus are gods, anyways! Basically, what I want you to know is there is a whole range of other options besides just substituting "Mew" or "Arceus" for "God", ranging from making up some sort of creative expression of your own ("By Xerneas's horns!") to not even necessarily limiting yourself to any one worldview of religious outlook for your characters.

Coincidentally, I was just reading a story on here that I thought did a really great job of capturing the mental attitude of someone polytheistic who believes that the legendary pokemon are gods, and also had some great phrases that were some creative alternate expressions of surprise that I felt made sense coming from a polytheistic character. Looked it up just now, and the exclamation was "by the ocean's depths" (from the story Bouquatro by canisaries--great story, I would definitely recommend it if you're looking for something to read!) Anyways, this is just an example of how it's possible to be more creative and varied in the expressions of surprise or exclamations that your characters use, so I hope that can help you.

Since the challenger is battling the Gym Leader on Challenge Mode with only two Badges, then if she wins, then the Badge she gets will count for three Badges!

Huh? That's...interesting. Pardon the ignorant question, but just out of curiosity is there something in the games like that, or is this unique to your story? (I've played White 2, but I haven't done anything with easy or challenge mode, so I'm unfamiliar with those mechanics.)

“Koffing!” the Koffing grunted.
Quick nitpick, you used "grunted" twice. Is there a way you could paraphrase one?

the Gym Leader, a black-haired young man in dress clothes, said.
Same as above about descriptions of appearance. "dress clothes" is pretty vague anyways. Is there any sort of memorable detail or gesture you could point to to describe Cheren? His tie flapped in the wind as he pushed his glasses up his face, or something . . . again, just brainstorming, you don't have to use this.

“YAHOO!” he cheered, running out onto the field and wrapping his Pokémon up in a tight hug. “Severus, you totally nailed it! You were amazing out there, bud!”
This is a nice example of characterization by words and actions. This really says a lot about Nate and how you're characterizing him.

“She’s reckless and not the type to plan things out, but the strategies she thinks up mid-battle are amazing. Even when it seems like she’s lost, she and her Pokémon always pull through somehow...”
This is a neat take on Hilda. It's always really fun to see the game protagonists given an actual personality, whether it's in canon media like the manga, or different people's takes on them through fanfiction.

“With the power that rests in the palm of my hand... and the power from within the hearts of my Pokémon partners...I. HAVE. WON!!” Nate declared, striking a triumphant and overly-dramatic pose as he held his new Badge to the sky. “Basic Badge acquired!”
LOL, this is pretty amusing. Did he get this from shonen anime, too?

The last line of this scene made me chuckle. It's kind of like some sort of cheesy show where the villain who wants to capture someone is like, "Soon, you will be mine!" but in this case, it's actually something that's appropriate to try to win (an autograph, rather than, say, "your hand in marriage").

It's interesting about the pokemon that Lucille owns not being trained by her, but still obeying her. How are they low-level enough that they would actually obey her? Actually, setting aside rigid game mechanics, this seems like a pretty good case of a trainer who shouldn't be respected by their pokemon, so I'm surprised if they do what she says.

The scene with the heated argument between Roxanne and Lucille made me feel pretty bad. Roxie is being really harsh--but I can't say I don't understand why, since having your friends/partners insulted being really angering is something that is definitely easy to relate to.

In actuality, Roxie had a very good idea of what was about to hit her. She just really wanted to be wrong.
This does a good job of portraying why Roxie is feeling burnt out, without saying it in so many words.

And it must be pretty terrible to have to be a gym leader whom anyone can beat with a magnemite they caught *yesterday.* Ahh, game mechanics. LOL.

So, I like how the chapter ends with some humor--the magnemite that the trainer caught yesterday being something that Roxie can't win against no matter what, and Roxie knowing from the outset that she's already lost this battle. As I said above with that particular line, overall, I felt that the chapter did a good job of portraying how Roxie is feeling burned out, or stuck in a rut, without your having to state it explicitly.

I'm also looking forward to seeing where this story goes! You've set up this concept of the up-and-coming trainer overflowing with enthusiasm and talent, who's also kind of a lovable dork, and the gym leader who's stuck in a rut fighting the same battles over and over again. I like the concept; it'll be interesting to see what happens when their paths cross!
 

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
Hello there and welcome!

First of all, let me say I'm glad to see someone else besides myself still writing about gen 5, and about canon characters! I really enjoy seeing stories that explore and flesh out relationships between canon characters, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this!
Hello yourself; I’m happy to be here! (Sorry it took so long to respond to your review, btw.)

Yeah, I’m a huge Gen V fanboy. The games, the region, the ‘mons, the characters—it’s all just so perfect.

When you introduce the band on stage, you take some time to describe each one, focusing mostly on appearance (outfits, etc.) This is a pattern that's really easy to fall into (and I've been guilty of myself), but it also can come across as really new-writer-ish. For one thing, there are a variety of ways of establishing characterization, so you can try to incorporate a greater variety of these (especially when introducing an important character). Besides appearance, there's also:

-Actions, gestures, posture, etc.
-Dialogue (what they say)
-What other characters say or think about them
-What they think about themselves

But also, taking a step back, in this sort of situation it's also worth asking yourself whether it's even necessary to give a description of each person in turn. From reading the chapter, I see that the bandmates are all characters that have a bit of importance and some other spoken lines/roles in the chapter, but rather than giving a run-down of hairstyles/outfits, is it possible to focus on a memorable visual detail or gesture? The drummer twirling his drumsticks in the air before smashing them down on the drums, the guitarist tossing sweaty hair out of her eyes, the colored lights flashing off of xyz . . . you don't have to use any of these, I'm just tossing out some ideas to give you a sense of what I mean. A professional example I really admire is the opening chapter of The Summer Tree by Guy Gavriel Kay where the author introduces the main characters Paul, Kevin, Dave, Kim, and Jennifer. There are five of them, but he very concisely gives readers an idea of each one's personality through their actions and their interactions with each other. (This part is early enough in the book you can read it on Amazon's free preview, if you are interested.)

Another suggestion is that there are some places where your writing uses a lot of adjectives, and that bogs it down and robs it of its energy (for example, the 2 paragraphs introducing Roxie). In contrast, just above that, phrases like "shredded chords" or "gas flowed from its pores, creating a thin blanket of smoke onstage" have a lot more verbs and nouns, making them more active and energetic.
Thanks for the comprehensive feedback! I’ll see what I can do to make the Toxics’ descriptions more dynamic.

Also another nitpick here, about phrases like "Oh, my Mew" or "Oh, my Arceus." Let me preface this by saying, please know that you have the choice to do what you want, so you absolutely do not have to take this suggestion if you don't want to. This is just my personal opinion on how they come across to me. Personally, I find these phrases always strike me with a strong sense of incongruity. There are a couple of reasons. One is that "God" isn't a name, but "Mew" and "Arceus" are names. "My God" makes sense because it's like saying "my creator" (regardless of whether the person saying it doesn't have any such belief) or "my deity whom I worship" (if they do). If it's a specific name, people generally don't preface it with "Oh, my..." The other reason is, Japanese people coming from a polytheistic (Shinto) perspective do not go around saying phrases like "Oh my Amaterasu!" They really do not have any expressions of surprise or oaths or curse words or anything like that that makes reference to Shinto gods, at all. And other pagan cultures also don't seem to have gone around saying "Oh, my Zeus!" or "Oh, my Odin!" as far as I know. They had different kinds of oaths they used, if any. Actually, though, if you want to get technical about the location the region is based on, Unova is based on New York, so there's no reason to necessarily even have your characters be polytheistic people who believe that Mew and Arceus are gods, anyways! Basically, what I want you to know is there is a whole range of other options besides just substituting "Mew" or "Arceus" for "God", ranging from making up some sort of creative expression of your own ("By Xerneas's horns!") to not even necessarily limiting yourself to any one worldview of religious outlook for your characters.

Coincidentally, I was just reading a story on here that I thought did a really great job of capturing the mental attitude of someone polytheistic who believes that the legendary pokemon are gods, and also had some great phrases that were some creative alternate expressions of surprise that I felt made sense coming from a polytheistic character. Looked it up just now, and the exclamation was "by the ocean's depths" (from the story Bouquatro by canisaries--great story, I would definitely recommend it if you're looking for something to read!) Anyways, this is just an example of how it's possible to be more creative and varied in the expressions of surprise or exclamations that your characters use, so I hope that can help you.
Hm...interesting. I’ve never thought of it that way before, but upon reflection, you’re actually kinda right! I probably won’t change it for this chapter, but I appreciate the input and will consider it in the future.

Huh? That's...interesting. Pardon the ignorant question, but just out of curiosity is there something in the games like that, or is this unique to your story? (I've played White 2, but I haven't done anything with easy or challenge mode, so I'm unfamiliar with those mechanics.)
The difficulty system may be from the games, but that particular rule is unique to my story.

This is a neat take on Hilda. It's always really fun to see the game protagonists given an actual personality, whether it's in canon media like the manga, or different people's takes on them through fanfiction.
I based my version of Hilda on her character in Pokémon Masters (which, if you haven’t played, you totally should; it’s so awesome). She might end up appearing near to/at the end of the story, but I’m not certain yet.

LOL, this is pretty amusing. Did he get this from shonen anime, too?

The last line of this scene made me chuckle. It's kind of like some sort of cheesy show where the villain who wants to capture someone is like, "Soon, you will be mine!" but in this case, it's actually something that's appropriate to try to win (an autograph, rather than, say, "your hand in marriage").
Glad you like Nate’s characterization so much! Also, he didn’t get that phrase from any specific anime; it’s something he made up on his own.

It's interesting about the pokemon that Lucille owns not being trained by her, but still obeying her. How are they low-level enough that they would actually obey her? Actually, setting aside rigid game mechanics, this seems like a pretty good case of a trainer who shouldn't be respected by their pokemon, so I'm surprised if they do what she says.
Oh, they don’t respect her at all. Like I said, her bond with them is practically zero. They’re just following her orders ‘cause they were trained to do...if that makes sense.
And it must be pretty terrible to have to be a gym leader whom anyone can beat with a magnemite they caught *yesterday.* Ahh, game mechanics. LOL.

So, I like how the chapter ends with some humor--the magnemite that the trainer caught yesterday being something that Roxie can't win against no matter what, and Roxie knowing from the outset that she's already lost this battle. As I said above with that particular line, overall, I felt that the chapter did a good job of portraying how Roxie is feeling burned out, or stuck in a rut, without your having to state it explicitly.

I'm also looking forward to seeing where this story goes! You've set up this concept of the up-and-coming trainer overflowing with enthusiasm and talent, who's also kind of a lovable dork, and the gym leader who's stuck in a rut fighting the same battles over and over again. I like the concept; it'll be interesting to see what happens when their paths cross!
Yeah, blame Game Freak for placing Magnemite in Virbank Complex—right next to Roxie’s Gym. They really did her dirty.

At any rate, I’m glad you like where my story is going so far! Your feedback is really gonna help me to improve this chapter and my future ones, so stay tuned (and make sure to spread the word)!

P.S.: Cheren doesn't wear glasses in BW2, so that descriptor doesn't apply here.
 
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Nubushi

しぶい
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. slowpoke-hgss
  2. togekiss-nubushi
Glad I could be of help, and thanks for the explanations!
Oh, they don’t respect her at all. Like I said, her bond with them is practically zero. They’re just following her orders ‘cause they were trained to do...if that makes sense.
Any chance there'll be some elaboration of how they're trained later in the story? :) The more I think about it, there's quite a lot of canon precedent for pokemon disobeying trainers they don't respect, whether it's the manga or the anime or the games. What kind of training would they have gone through that would stamp out that sense of dignity and self-respect of not cooperating with a trainer if they don't respect them?

Yeah, blame Game Freak for placing Magnemite in Virbank Complex—right next to Roxie’s Gym. They really did her dirty.
Well, that's not just Roxie, that's most (maybe all?) of the gyms in the Black, White and B2W2 games. In B/W, I was keeping track of it, and for the first several gyms, there's always either someone who will give you a pokemon or trade you a pokemon that has a type advantage, or there's someone who will tell you where to find pokemon that will have a type advantage, or even if no one tells you, pokemon species that have a type advantage will be right there in the wild just before you face that gym. Like the elemental monkey you're given before the first gym, and like how just before the normal-type gym, you're advised to go catch a fighting-type, and also given the TM for Rock Smash.
 

JohntheAbra

Fleeing from Battles Since 1996
Pronouns
He/him
Any chance there'll be some elaboration of how they're trained later in the story? :) The more I think about it, there's quite a lot of canon precedent for pokemon disobeying trainers they don't respect, whether it's the manga or the anime or the games. What kind of training would they have gone through that would stamp out that sense of dignity and self-respect of not cooperating with a trainer if they don't respect them?
Yeeeeeeah...that's honestly not a bad question, but it's not one that I'm really gonna focus on answering. Sorry about that.
 
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