Pokémon 26 years

[bluesidra]

Chapter 17: Long Days of Leon​

October 9th 1993, 4pm.

Hoppip’s screams broke through the underbrush, followed by an angry bleating. I prayed I’d at least get the camping cooker running before whatever she had antagonised this time would come crashing in. But, alas, she hit my back only a few seconds later, which knocked the match-book out of my hand and me to the ground.

Leon was on his feet in an instance and juggled Hoppip on the tip of his foot, readying himself. When the angry Mareep broke into our campsite, he slammed the tiny pink pokemon square in its face. Hoppip bounced back to him with a yelp and enough force to send him to the ground.

I looked over at the two of them, still collecting myself. They were in high spirits, ready to fight. But before any counter-attack could be launched, Mareep bleated again, this time in agony. Its voice drowned out before it even hit the ground.

I turned around to the scene of the fight. Eevee sat next to the unconscious pokemon, her fur still raised. The three scratch marks on the sheep’s face were all too similar to the ones on my arm. She didn’t even bother to look at us. Instead, she flicked her nose up and walked away.

“Here!” Leon kicked a pokeball in my direction.

Mareep was caught rather unceremoniously. To be fair, after Eevee’s devastating scratch, it couldn’t put up much of a fight. I picked up the ball after it had stopped moving and headed over to Leon.

He still sat on the ground, legs crossed and Hoppip in his arm. On his face was that radiant expression of pride I knew back from Postwick, when he looked after two rookie trainers on the first steps of their journey.

I stopped an arm-length in front of him. “Here, it’s yours.”

Leon looked at me with big eyes. “No, you’ve caught it.”

I sighed. “I’ve got Hoppip and now Eevee. You need a pokemon, too. We haven’t seen another human in the past three days and from here on, the park is only going to get more dangerous.” I nudged the ball closer in front of his nose.

“I’ve got you, don’t I?” Another disarming smile. If I’d push him now, things would only get complicated. I exhaled my frustration away and sat the ball in front of him.

“You’ve got until tomorrow. If you don’t want it, I’ll release the little guy.”

* * *​

«He’s just grieving,» I thought while I put my jacket down and started some basic stretches to get my muscles working.

This had become part of our evening routine. When everything was settled for the night, I could finally get away and get some workouts in. It wasn’t because I was lacking exercise — usually my feet were heavy by the evening — but because it was some much needed alone-time. And while I was away, Leon usually trained with the babies. In fact, he most likely spent more time with my pokemon than I did. I didn’t know where he took that energy from.

Since it was only the two of us again, I felt like the star of his show. Which was a great feeling — for ten minutes, maybe even an hour. But it got exhausting when it was on a 24h basis.

« Everyone grieves differently, » a voice from my memory reminded. Locking my feet, I reached down to my toes, sending the welcome pull through my hamstrings before I started cardio. Indeed, grief came in many forms.

Back when we had moved to Postwick, Mum made me go see a family counsellor. She was worried after I hadn’t been going out any more and had integrated little into the new neighbourhood. I told her I was just tired after the move, but Mum wouldn’t budge. So a week later, I sat in the counsellor’s office and I told her the same. She introduced me to the four stages of grief and told me that everybody moved through them at their own pace. At the time, I disregarded it. I wanted to be left alone after all. But right now this grief-model would come in handy.

The one lesson I still remembered from counselling was that the most important thing was patience. To be honest, I could only remember it, because my former ballet teacher had said the same whenever I plateaued in my training. I tried to convince myself of that right now, but I was still disappointed with myself.

My jumping jacks went horrible, and I was only on my second set. I pushed through with them, but then allowed myself a longer water-break. While I was walking around the small clearing, I saw Eevee had found her way here.

«Wonderful,» I thought. Now I would be judged by her as well. I took one last deep breath and went back into the stretches.

I opened my legs to a full split and leaned over forward. My inner thighs screamed, but the burning sensation felt ineffably good. When my muscles had finally complied with their new position and started loosening up, I put my chin in my hands and looked at Eevee. She stared right back at me.

“Was it too loud for you?” I asked her. Of course I got no answer, but I was sure it was true, anyway. Leon’s training sessions were as energetic as he was and though Sentret was usually on her best behaviour, Hoppip was rowdy at her core. I could understand that Eevee didn’t want to associate with them, instead looking for a bit of alone-time herself.

She was such an elegant little pokemon, holding herself with grace and poise and everyone else at an arm’s length. But even though the others were such a rough bunch, we were still a team. And as a team we had to stick together.

I sighed and wriggled my feet a bit. Maybe she needed patience, too. Just like my training and a certain someone. Someone who, only a few hundred feet away, exhausted all his reserves for the day on not having to think about what was by now a grim certainty.

A soothing thought crossed my mind as I got up to stretch my hip flexor. If patience didn’t cut it, Azalea was only ten more days away. Then he would have to face reality, no matter what. Until then, I only had to make sure that he didn’t wander off or get lost otherwise. But…

I lowered my gaze. On the bus I had seen what he was capable of considering. If reality hit him over the head and extinguished all his mental contingencies at once, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up with whatever he came up with next.

I tried to get up, but lost my balance, wobbled around a bit and fell over to one side. Great. I rolled on my back and earned a dismissive look from Eevee. Today was not my day. And to make matters worse, Leon was now in my head, even in my alone-time. I could scream in frustration!

Angry at mostly myself, I sat up and felt something hard press against my hipbone. Bewildered, I fished the thing out of the pocket of Lucy’s old pants. It was the amber. I had completely forgotten about it since we found it on the beach. It hadn’t lost its shine, even after the many washings it had gone through since then.

I let myself fall back on the ground and held the amber up. It still glistened in all those familiar shades of gold and orange, even though the dying light dimmed them down. I hadn’t realised how dark the sky had got. It was autumn now, and the days were getting shorter.

I sighed. Try as I might, I couldn’t mentally replace Leon with Hop. They looked so similar, especially when Leon had his hair up. Heck, they even talked and acted almost the same. Both ran off before you could say ‘wrong direction’, both could talk forever without stopping for air when it came to pokemon and both had energy for days, to a point where it scared me. But still…

I got lost in the dance of golden hues that reminded me of the one person I felt at home with. Hop was always on my level. I understood him and he understood me. Leon, however, was unapproachable, if only by a hair’s breadth. And I didn’t know why. He was an open book, deliberately putting himself out there for me to see. But for some reason, those pages only appeared empty, while every single one of them screamed to be read.

Gripping the amber tight, I ended the play of light. This self-loathing wouldn’t get me anywhere. If I ever wanted to see the real Hop again, I needed to focus on getting back home. Otherwise I would have to imagine him in a random piece of ancient tree sap indefinitely. And I would only get home if I kept my cool here, get us to Azalea and from there look further. And to keep my cool, I would have to finish this routine. Tomorrow would be a long day, and it was about time I recharged my batteries. One step after the other.

I put the amber away. Eevee was still judging me, but I couldn’t care less. Since I missed my goals for today already, I decided on a medium difficulty pilates routine. It wasn’t the best workout I’ve ever completed, by far. But spending the evening daydreaming about camping with Hop on the shores of Lake Axewell sure was relaxing.

* * *​

When I returned to camp, my core muscles were thoroughly sore. Leon had powered himself out as well and was now leaning against a tree with the still somewhat beat up Mareep on his lap. He had his hair in a loose bun, but it showed the telltale signs of at least one electric discharge. That, however, didn’t discourage him from stroking Mareep’s fleece. And the little blue and yellow sheep, full from eating way too much Oran berries, enjoyed the attention.

Much later, when it was already the dead of the night, I had to ask them to turn down the brightness of Mareep’s tail sphere. While I drifted back to sleep, the last thing I heard was Leon putting away the guide he was still studying. When I woke up the next morning, he was at least in a light slumber.

* * *​

“So, have you made up your mind?” I asked while I tightened the laces on my boots.

Leon nodded. “He’s yours.” He threw the pokeball over to me. I sighed and pressed the ball’s centre button, never breaking eye-contact with Leon while Mareep materialised next to me.

“You’re free to go,” I said to the clueless looking pokemon while I put the ball away. Mareep looked at me for a while. “Come on, go back to your flock. I’m sorry for your run-in yesterday with Eevee.” After a while of confused looking, Mareep trotted off into the bushes.

About two hours later we had successfully navigated a difficult off-road track that connected the mountain trail with the much easier seaside trail. Now the stunning view of the ocean and the breaking of waves against the cliffs 200 feet below accompanied us on our way south.

I had hoped that the simple rule of ‘left hand to the ocean’ would make it easier for Leon to not get lost, but so far he had already surprised me twice. My working theory was that his brain could only process direction as long as he was putting one foot in front of the other. As soon as that order ended, all records were immediately wiped. It was astounding how often he had forgotten where we came from when we stopped for a moment or even turned around to take in the view.

We were having a water-break, and I considered asking him where to go next, only to prove my theory, when an angry bleating sound came from the trail ahead. A moment later, a Mareep stepped onto the road. It was exhausted and carried half a forest's worth of twigs and leaves in its fur.

I could almost feel Leon’s smile, combined with a gnawing sense of defeat, maybe even being cheated.

“Seems like he wants to stay with you,” I said and held Mareep’s pokeball in Leon’s direction.

“With us,” Leon corrected me, and completely ignored my outstretched hand. He ran over to Mareep and I watched him pet the little boy and receive an electric shock in return. Another long day of Leon had only started.

 

[Flyg0n]

Chapter 1 and 2

(I'm going to crosspost my Ao3 review and then add further thoughts as well.)

Spoiler

What a opening! There's a lot here, so I'll highlight a few quick things.
The first few sentences felt a little sitff, but maybe this was intentional? I know you mentioned English isn't native, and english is hecka hard, so no biggie tbh. I thought the prose as you went later on was really good! No glaring errors popped out on my first read, and I was able to engage and invest in the story easy enough.

That was a scary opening, Hana nearly losing Rotom. Poor Rotom! :(( Curse Macro Cosmos! I wonder why they build them so Rotom can't get out :((? Glad the lil guy is ok.

I was really shocked when Leon first had his outburst. I was almost going to say it was over the top until... I found out why. I have to say, the pang in my heart and the way you wrote it was very visceral. It genuinely made me feel sick and sad, all at once. Poor Leon, thats just. awful. awful. Will they be ok? Can they be brought back? AhhGG

Moving on from that, I thought everything else was good. I like the way you're portraying Leon here, as someone who feels responsible and frustrated all at once. We get good hints of their characters and flaws, and how they try to cope with them.

I'm really sad (in a good way) about Leon and I want to see how he copes with... what happened. :((

Some additional thoughts:

A moment later a majestic cry echoed from the treetops as a huge pokemon soared through the air, its powerful wings seemingly parting the clouds and painting the skies blue again. As I squinted my eyes to peek at it against the blinding light of the sun, I was sure that it itself drew the rainbow across the firmament with its feathers of pure colour.

-Hooray for Ho-oh cameo!

-The use of the Trainer card to describe Hana is actually cool! Normally it'd be odd, except trainer cards are huge part of Galar culture, so it actually feels very reasonable.
-I spoiled myself, whoops, so I'm already sad thinking about whats to come, yet excited.

Were those tears in my eyes? Oh, yeah. ‘No crying, Hanako, you aren’t a baby’. I quietly apologised myself outside, but no one was paying attention anyway.

This was such a sad, poignant cutoff, as well as the familiar admonishing of herself 'you're not a baby'.

“Miss, the year is 1993. According to your card, you aren’t born for another nine years.”

huge oof

Chapter 3

Spoiler

What a gut punch. This whole chapter carried a sort of weary. somber mood, in a good way, with a looming sense of mystery. If anyone hadn't read the description initially, now they know the hook. And oh my. What a place to be in. Stuck in the past, knowing that future could fall apart, no team :((. I enjoyed this chapter and don't have a lot to say. We get a sense that Hana is struggling to keep it together, and we know Leon feels like a failure too.
The prose is pleasant, not too dry or flowery.

I do have one question though, and maybe I missed the answer... where's Rotom? I don't recall seeing him in this chapter, or where he went tbh. Which is ok I guess, I just found it maybe a little odd he wasn't even mentioned at all.

Chapter 4

Spoiler

AH. Nevermind, all is forgiven. Rotom is back! Hana and Leon struggle to grapple with their new reality with... limited success. Hana's berating herself, trying to keep it together, and poor Leon's just depressed. I mean, I can't blame him. I also enjoyed Rotom's presence here a lot, and his rambling about packets and data and servers is magnificent. I hope he continues to be in this because I already love him and feel really bad for him.

The rest of the evening went by in a daze. Nurse Joy, who later introduced herself as Lucy,

Interesting. So is Nurse joy considered a title in your world? or is her name Lucy Joy or something?

While Owen somehow managed to talk down Leon

So I assume Owen is actually Lucy's husband, but I also can't clearly remember if this was mentioned explicitly before this point? I was briefly confused about who Owen was. Might be my fault though.

“I’d rather play around with those simple relays than with that fossil of a computer over there. Here, look: on, off, on-”

“Stop that! We are guests here. Behave!”

I want to adopt him

Rotom’s voice had a sarky undertone.

I believe you mean 'snarky'?

After all, they are wild pokemon and should stay fearful of humans.”

This line intrigued me. So are pokemon just highly intelligent animals here? Or is this an outdated ideal Lucy holds? Why does she believe wild pokemon should stay fearful of humans?

I had to blink a few times to push back against the tears, now that I thought of our greenhouse and my plants and how Mum and Poliwhirl had taken meticulous care of them while I was away.

Moments like this your writing particularly shines. Often its the little things that makes use suddenly homesick or sad... :( Good job

“If things continue, we’ll live through the distressed low-rise jeans, crop tops and the crossover fanny pack again-” The last word almost got stuck in my throat, when the tears came back.

“What’s wrong with that?” Leon asked, still chewing. Then he must have seen my clenched fist, and his tone immediately got more serious. “What’s wrong? I’m not that fashion savvy, but those don’t sound like a reason to-”

“Bit my tongue!” I quickly lied. Deep breath in. I could feel Leon’s eyes lingering on me, piercing through my oversized sweater, my tucked up shoulders and through my eyelids, doing their best to contain those burning tears.

Another excellent example. Ah fanny packs, making people cry since 1993 ;)

Seriously though, you do an excellent job capturing the emotions here, Hana trying to hold everything in, Leon being slightly oblivious, Hana falling apart.

In front of me was a pokemon, shaped like a bird but as tall as a person. Its wings were jagged and its feathers a radiant yellow and black.

Zapdos???

I was not expecting this, if it is Zapdos. What're they doing here???

Chapter 5

Spoiler

I have to say, I'm vibing with this story a lot so far. I enjoy the characters, writing, prose and concept greatly, and so far the execution seems smooth. You're capturing a good slice of life, despite the desperate circumstances. Your characters feel like they behave in a realistic, reasonable manner too. And I am particularly enjoying your focus on the emotional aspects of everything. My usual genre tends to be more plot and adventure based, so this is a nice change of pace.

“Nothing happened. Believe it already!” Owen had now reached the end of his patience. I couldn’t tell how often they had a similar conversation while I was out.

I really like this because it balances the dichotomy between 'dumb writing, boring' and 'people are dumb and repeat themselves and go in circles'. I can't place my finger on why exactly, but your execution is good.

All I wanted was to lie down and sleep forever, but now Leon’s anger was standing between me and my bed. Why couldn’t he leave those complicated things alone or not cause a row just for this one evening? I could feel anger rise inside me. But I couldn’t allow myself to lose my countenance again. Not twice a day.

I appreciate this sense of everyone being stressed, particularly Hana, even as it feels as if she's aware she's lashing out and doesn't want to. Relatable.

Lucy turned around to leave and Leon, begrudgingly accepting this draw, complied, leaving Owen and me behind in the Center’s reception.

Can I say, I absolutely adore Lucy? I appreciated her calm handling without coming off as rude or unnecessarily intruding awkwardly. She calmed every down so well.

Chapter 6

Spoiler

This chapter is pretty significant. Hana and Leon have some downtime, but they also get to know each other better, and then tackle some serious questions. They finally have a concrete goal, something to strive for. (a shame I might know how this ends). Once again, you do an excellent job with the emotional aspects of the story, and developing the characters.

I looked up to see what I could only describe as Galar’s champ in full tourist mode. He had his hair in a ponytail, wore a bleached shirt, shorts and oversized sunglasses. Somehow he had snatched a new snapback with the town’s cherry blossom logo.

omg beach outfit Leon DLC

Somehow, he found his way back every evening.

This is the most impressive part of this story ;]

“I… wanted to apologise. Because I got angry with you and that was uncalled for!” I blurted out.

What! a woman apologizing??? un heard of, lol.
Anyways I appreciated this section greatly. it's enjoyable to see two characters at least trying to be mature and act their age.

“Great guy, but his fault he brought an unbalanced team. I’ve struggled more against Raihan and his sandstorms. I wonder what he’s up to now?”

OOOOO SHADE

‘Just like Hop’s eyes’, I thought, entranced by the glint.

​

Then Leon called my name and waved me over.

I think a line break is missing, or there's an extra space?

Chapter 7

Smol chapter! Sweet though, and raises some tough questions. They'll have to train again, presumably. But oof, that would feel... hard.

It took us two very stressful, but also very harmonious weeks to get going. They were filled with house- and paperwork.

This made me think of moving and DMV stuff. eugh. What a hassle. Also did you mean housework and paperwork?

The harvest festival turned out to be a tremendous success.

Okay okay I probably missed this and its my fault but I genuinely don't recall a harvest festival being brought up before this?

Never in my life had I imagined I’d be standing between the aisles of a small-town clothing store, having to explain that I, in fact, did not have a crippling fear of 90s fashion.

This little misunderstanding is hilarious to me. I love it. A+.

Chapter 8

Spoiler

I can't put my finger on why, but I did find this chapter a little more jarring and... confusing I guess? it might be just me though, I just feel like I had a little difficulty following the beginning, with catching Hoppip, and then the section with meeting Elm. But again, it may just be my tired brain.

At any rate, it seems Hana and Leon got stuck on a sidequest. hohoh! Wonder where this will lead... and they've met a younger Professor Elm!

“It’s a pokemon egg, for crying out loud!” Leon screamed out, at the end of his patience. “And I’d bet money that it’s a Smoochum.”

This made me chuckle. I always want to yell at the people in the anime like, its so obvious whats in the egg sometimes!

Could you go to the Dark Cave and look for him?

Sidequest: Dark Cave. Objective marker added!

Ok, so much does this really cost us?”

so how much does this cost us?

Chapter 9/10!!

Spoiler

Let me just say I flippin love 10 in particular for character reasons

When I opened my eyes again, Leon and Sentret were practising passes. Hoppip’s happy squeals accompanied them. The small plant-type seemed comfortable with her role as football.

hah, lol. This is a funny image.

He held up the Dynamax Band on his wrist and my eyes widened. Behind the now dull screen, the Wishing Star shimmered red.

Oooooh boy.

A whole flock of them.

Describing a group of geodude as a 'flock' feels really weird. Maybe a 'rumble' of Geodude?

Leon and Sentret were still assessing the situation when a pink missile shot past them. It hit one of the Geodudes in the face, knocking it out. The rest of the flock got visibly insecure. Hot damn, that hurt. I rubbed my foot to make the pain go away.

So I had a lot of difficulty parsing this sentence the first time. I eventually understood she apparently kicked the Hoppip at the geodude? But it was pretty unclear for awhile, hah. Might be worth rewording?

“So it’s our word against a poltergeist’s. Who’s saying you’re not making this up to put me in a tough spot?”

I was a little perplexed why they felt the need to keep it such a secret, unless they felt like they'd be called crazy I guess?

“Let me finish! Something has called out to Johto’s patrons

ohhh boy oh boy

“Because this is how my parents got divorced. I didn’t enjoy it and I don’t want to be reminded.” There was that dreaded pity in his eyes. As if I was a lost and hungry Wooloo. And worst of all, he said nothing.

There it is.

I knew it. Poor Hana. This explains why she hates shouting and conflict and feels like she has to keep everything in. I really feel for her, you did such a good job writing her character.

This whole chapter in particular was filled with juicy emotional reveals and explanations. Leon, telling her how going all out is his thing and thats ok, and being gentle with Hana too and thats ok. There's a lot I want to say here but I can't properly phrase. So I'll just say this: You're characters and emotional arcs are easily the best part of this whole fic so far and I love them all so much. A+ on characterization and emotional stuff, absolutely wonderful.

Expect to see me read more soon!

 

[bluesidra]

@Flyg0n OMG thank you again!!! I've never had someone read this far without using excessive force on them!!! Thank you so much! It makes me sooo happy!!!

So, as to your points:

Interesting. So is Nurse joy considered a title in your world? or is her name Lucy Joy or something?

It's a title used by her congregation. Like the "Sisters of Poor Child Jesus". She has a last name, but I'll dance around last names as long as I'm possible ;). So "Nurse Joy" is more of a job title.

I want to adopt him

I'm glad you like Rotom...
(and so sad to tell you that I've written it out of the next part because there was just no technology for it to mess with. But it got adopted in good hands and will have its comeback)

This line intrigued me. So are pokemon just highly intelligent animals here? Or is this an outdated ideal Lucy holds? Why does she believe wild pokemon should stay fearful of humans?

Yes, basically. Never my entire life have I seen them as anything else. And now that I'm here on this forum I feel kinda bad, because you guys bring up so many good points and images with your intelligent mons.
Lucy's remark here is what was left over from a prior iteration, where she was worried about the urbanisation of rural areas and how it forces formerly wild species to adapt to humans (kinda like the problems with the tanuki that Japan has, and them losing their presumed intelligence in the process)

Another excellent example. Ah fanny packs, making people cry since 1993 ;)

Bad news: The crossover fanny pack seems to come back into fashion in Japan. And Leon is a prime target for it, if you go by fanart-artist standards. He rocks it, but every time I see a pic, I feel so guilty...

I was not expecting this, if it is Zapdos. What're they doing here???

Tbh, I didn't know either at this point :D Still hoped the plot would figure itself out.
But I've got a plan for them now... and it's going to be spectacular

omg beach outfit Leon DLC

I've recently came to the conclusion that part of this fic is me healing from his outfits by putting him into actually good looking ones.

Also did you mean housework and paperwork?

Wait, is that a thing that doesn't work in english? When two conjoined words end on the same second word, you can go "house- and paperwork" and assume the "work" part goes for the first as well???

Okay okay I probably missed this and its my fault but I genuinely don't recall a harvest festival being brought up before this?

It's brought up briefly in the first half of chapter 6. I've got this neat idea, and then I realised that I already showed everything about Hana that I wanted and condensed everything down in the timeskip

I can't put my finger on why, but I did find this chapter a little more jarring and... confusing I guess?

Interesting... I get it, but it worries me nonetheless.
It's the first linear chapter. They go from point A to B to C, and not talk themselves in a circle like I usually do. Like, "Ocean Waves" starts with Leon at the Pokemon Center, suggesting they visit the beach, and ends with them getting back from the beach.
In contrast, this chapter just beats down plot that needs to happen. It picks up a lot of different strands and kinda leaves them unresolved.
Though still something I have to think about...

Sidequest: Dark Cave. Objective marker added!

Yes, exactly what it feels like! Back when I wrote this, I was super insecure because they've left my cosy bubble of Cherrygrove and I didn't know how I should tackle travel. So I pulled up a map of Johto and thought "let's go sightseeing". But then it resolved itself pretty quickly

so how much does this cost us?

OMG. I've read that chapter a thousand times and NEVER noticed this?!

I was a little perplexed why they felt the need to keep it such a secret, unless they felt like they'd be called crazy I guess?

Argh! Someone noticed! I'm still afraid to actually tackle time travel mechanics, but they could possibly write themselves out of existence. If they mess anything up, they might erase the future they came from, possibly even their own birth.
They've discussed that off-screen, just like I did my research, but so far I've never brought it up.
I'll think of a way to mention it better.

This whole chapter in particular was filled with juicy emotional reveals and explanations. Leon, telling her how going all out is his thing and thats ok, and being gentle with Hana too and thats ok. There's a lot I want to say here but I can't properly phrase. So I'll just say this: You're characters and emotional arcs are easily the best part of this whole fic so far and I love them all so much. A+ on characterization and emotional stuff, absolutely wonderful.

Aaaaa! Thank you! I was worried Hana was being too dramatic here.
And thanks for liking the characters. They are the main reason I write this. The plot is paper-thin and I could sum it up in probably a few bullet-points, but Hana and Leon are the reason the plot's fun.

-I spoiled myself, whoops, so I'm already sad thinking about whats to come, yet excited.

Also, related to the last sentence: You might have read into "First Weeks of Winter", but I can assure you, there's more to come. The thing is after all about how Leon actually handles it and how Hana handles him (and herself). And that takes a good long while until anything is resolved there.
(((Also, we all love to see our characters suffer and I have a handy list of things I can torment them with once they look too stable for too long >:) )))

Thank you again for the interest! It makes me sooo happy that someone enjoys my stuff ❤️

 

[Dragonfree]

Hey there! I'm here for Catnip, reviewing chapter one.

First, some live reactions/line comments:

He looked so peaceful as he laid there on his side, his eyes closed and his hair wet from the dew.

Minor thing, but the past tense of lie is lay. laid is the past tense of to lay, i.e. to lay something else somewhere.

I shooed it away, then my eyes fell close again.

I'm pretty sure you want "fell closed"?

Intriguing opening! It definitely piques the reader's curiosity about what on Earth's going on.

I tried twisting my ankles and my arms, but only what felt like sores for a week revealed themselves.

I'm a bit confused by the "for a week" here. As in... sores that have been there for a week already? But if so, why does the narrator seem surprised by them (saying "what felt like" sores, as if she isn't sure what they are, and that they "revealed themselves")?

Oh, right, I had left them with Guardevoir in Hammerlocke when President Rose released Eternatus.

Assuming that's the Pokémon Gardevoir, it has no u in it.

“It’s ok. You didn’t die!”

Writing "okay" as four letters, or else OK in caps, is generally preferred.

Enjoying the portrayal of Rotom here - still a little lost as to what's going on since we really did just start in the middle with nothing explained, but I remain interested to find out.

Also enjoying the Leon being Fine.

I stared into the woods for a good while, when I felt my hands tremble.

This sentence doesn't quite track to me - I believe what you want here is either "I stared into the woods for a good while, until I felt my hands tremble", "I'd been staring into the woods for a good while when I felt my hands tremble", or "I stared into the woods for a good while, feeling my hands tremble", depending on what sort of temporal relationship you want to imply here.

Absent-mindedly, I began twisting my ankle. An old stretching pattern that was firmly rooted in my memory. Deep breath in.

Interesting detail! Guessing this is hinting at something.

The rain had turned the moss into slippery sponges and the canopy of trees into a torn umbrella, regularly showering me in cold rain water while my trainers struggled to keep their grip. Thankfully, the torn moss on the wet rocks made it easier to follow Leon’s traces. I almost expected to find him in a fissure between the boulders and giant roots that now made up most of the uphill track. But despite a few places where a long streak of moss had been torn from its footing, he seemed to have made it through this treacherous part just fine. After falling once and slipping countless other times myself, I finally made it to the top of the hill, where a small, man-made path ran along the crest’s ridge.

I like this environmental description a lot; it conveys a good sense of what this was like.

For a moment Leon didn’t react at all, then he shrugged.

Since both halves of this sentence would work as full independent sentences of their own, this is a comma splice; you want either a period, a semicolon, or a conjunction in there.

“I’m so sorry,” I finally uttered. For a moment Leon didn’t react at all, then he shrugged. Now I understood how utterly useless any ‘sorry’ sounded.

The use of "uttered" shortly followed by "utterly" feels a little awkward. I would suggest changing "uttered"; it's kind of an awkward speech verb anyway.

I’ve only started training pokemon roughly a year ago and couldn’t imagine a world without my team.

Since the narration is in the past tense, and it's talking about something further in the past (a year ago), that should be the past perfect - "I'd" only started training Pokémon roughly a year ago".

It's fun to see Leon just stressed and freaking out (understandably, when his Pokéballs have been petrified with his Pokémon still inside!), and the use of his bad sense of direction, and him doggedly ignoring his injuries. Fun characterization, and makes for a nice dynamic.

“Wait, yes! When you were still unconscious. I think it tried to steal something”

Missing a period at the end here.

This was a fun and interesting read! The choice to start in the middle of things, something intense having happened, is bold and throws us right into the midst of a plot, and I enjoy that. The characterization of Hana, Leon and Rotom is good, and makes for a fun dynamic to follow; I imagine Leon's going to spend plenty more time being stressed here. I also thought you did a lovely job of conveying the difficulties of this journey through the wilderness, the environments and weather.

I must admit, though, that after finishing this chapter I went and checked the AO3 version to make sure it didn't have a prologue or something that you didn't port over. Starting in the middle of things is good and I'm entirely behind that choice - but the way that the story actually plays out in this first chapter feels, at least to me, rather like literally dropping into a story several chapters in and trying to make sense of it from there.

I initially took the opening scene to be an in media res sort of deal, where we're not meant to know what on earth's happening yet because the story's about to flash back to show us what led up to this. Instead, here, at least within the first chapter, that never happens, and we just keep going. Which, again, is fine and cool and I support it! But given that's the case, I would have expected there to be some kind of introduction to ease us into what's going on at some point in the chapter, even if not spelling it out in exposition. As it is, I feel like the summary is the only thing giving me any kind of rough idea of what sort of thing led up to this, but generally the summary shouldn't be mandatory reading!

Specifically, the chapter does tell us that the Darkest Day is a thing that just happened/is ongoing (where they came from at any rate), and that they wake up in a forest. But there's no wondering why they wound up here, just a mention of light and that Hana left her Pokémon in Hammerlocke. This leaves me unsure what was going on before they woke up here - I guess my best guess is there was a bright light and that's all they remember before they woke up, but on the other hand neither of them seems all that confused by it, so it's hard to feel like that's actually it. They're talking to each other like this is inconvenient but not particularly strange or noteworthy. The characters' relationship in general leaves me kind of confused - on the one hand everything (including your notes) suggests this is picking up from an only slightly divergent version of the canon games' events, but Hana and Leon are acting like they've been close traveling companions for some time, which is pretty different! Hana's completely unsurprised that Leon's with her, Leon casually leaves her with his coat draped over her and talks about how she's "always" the one with the plans, neither of them seems to have the slightest worry that the other would go off without them. Meanwhile, Leon's still apparently the Champion, and the summary indicates Hana traveled alongside Hop, so I'm left very unsure exactly what it is that Hana and Leon have going on and why - definitely the sort of thing I expected the opening chapter to make clear at least eventually, but it never did.

So, all in all, I enjoyed this and am intrigued, but I do feel a bit more like I straight-up missed the first twenty minutes of this movie than like it merely started in the middle of the action. I think it'd probably have been a less confusing experience if the chapter didn't send kind of mixed messages about key aspects of the situation - the way the characters act suggests something entirely different from the surrounding context! It might be worth including a bit more illuminating details here to make it easier to follow and get a consistent impression of what's going on, even without stopping to exposit in spelled-out form.

One final note: I also found some phrasing odd sometimes, in a way that suggests to me you're not a native speaker - is that correct? (Neither am I, for what it's worth - I could just be imagining things.) If so, might be worth finding a native beta-reader to smooth things out a bit. For instance, this sentence:

“Know what? You can wait here, if you want. I’m now going to find a solution for this.”

Usually my sense is that "I'm now going to do X" is something that you say when explaining out loud what you're doing to somebody, not something you'd say when actually just declaring your intent to do a thing. Definitely feel like this'd be a much more natural line without the "now". But I could be wrong! Again, not a native speaker myself.

 

[bluesidra]

@Dragonfree Thank you so much for your review. That has to be the single most useful review I've ever gotten for chapter 1.

I kinda know it's a mess and sounds off, but the things you've brought up about the missing context and the relationship are more than useful. Makes me want to tackle that rewrite finally. It's, well, the first chapter (actually the second). They always suffer a bit from first-time-writing-disease. Add to that that I didn't quite have a feel for Hana at that point and you get this.

About you feeling like you've missed the first 20 minutes of the movie: You're not entirely off. This is actually chapter 2. The original chapter 1 took place on Hammerlocke Tower, complete with Eternatus and Hop and wormholes and everything. But after a lot of thinking, I threw it out. It was just too clumsy, introducing so many things at once while an incredibly high-stakes action scene took place. This one here works better because I have the time to introduce one person after the other. But I've cut the actual Darkest Day without making any edits to this chapter, and kinda laid waiting until someone would notice. Congrats on being the first one :D

And yes, I'm not a native speaker. I've learned so much about the English language in the process, but mostly I'm even more confused than before. Sometimes I look up a word and am like "ok, that sounds incredibly off, but the dictionary says it goes here". Hm... native speaking beta reader... I kinda don't want to bother people with beta reading my stuff. I'm always watching the search requests for Betas on the forum, but it might take some time until I get confident enough for that.

Also thanks for the pointers about tense/grammar/style. People always tell me there are errors in ch1 but I'm by now so blind to them, I couldn't find them for the love of me. When someone finally points them out, it's so obvious!

Thanks so much! I'm now so motivated to do this rewrite!

 

[bluesidra]

Chapter 18: Balance​

October 13th 1993, 10am.

“Leon, wait! That’s the wrong way!” I screamed while I tried my best not to lose my footing.

“Of course it is!” an upbeat voice about ten feet below me answered. “I picked it after all.”

Trying to scale this ravine in a controlled manner was no use. I leaned on one side and slowly slid down on the gravel, hoping not to cause an avalanche. When Leon did the same thing a moment ago, it looked way cooler.

“From here on you can walk again,” he said. At least I could see him now. He was standing on a small jut five feet below, readjusting his snapback. The winds along the cliff-sides were strong and constantly blew his long hair in his face, but that didn’t distract him from having the time of the day.

I swallowed once more and hopped down step after step on this natural stairway. Then I lost my balance halfway through and rushed down the remaining ones. Leon caught me with a playful laugh, but for a moment I glimpsed just how high this cliff was. I tried my best to suppress that image, instead getting as much distance between me and the edge as possible.

“I didn’t mean for it to be that steep, though.” For a split second, Leon showed remorse. I wondered what he had expected when every sign we had passed so far had marked this as a black trail. But he probably completely missed them. “If it’s too much for you, we can turn back.”

“No way,” I got out, catching my breath. “You beat me fair and square. And now we’re doing this.”

The sunny smile returned to his face. “Winning’s my job. Also, you’ve put up quite the fight.”

I had already made that huge mental note in red marker to never again play ‘guess the move’ with him. Especially not when a bet about the navigator-rights for the next hour was on the line. Of course, Leon managed to end us up halfway down the cliffs within only ten minutes. But my pride forbade asking for mercy or reason.

I glared at him, still kneeling next to me, with vengeful intentions. Leon must have got that look a thousand times and just smiled back. No one could stay angry at him for long. Then something else grabbed my attention. “Wait, is that a new—”

“Yep!” he said. “Took you a while to notice, didn’t it?” He took off his snapback and his mane exploded in the wind. “Gotta grow that collection. This one has the Violet City skyline, see?”

No, I didn’t. I rolled my spare scrunchie from my wrist and warmed my fingers up while his hair tingled my arms. Whimsicott was less of a mess than he was. “Hold still and let me fix that!”

Obediently, he sat down and let me go to work. “I totally appreciate that you want to get us to Azalea the fastest way possible,” he said after a while. “But we don’t need to rush it. And you were interested in those cliff formations, too, right?”

I made a humming-sound while I got his hair into a somewhat reasonable bun. I hated touching other people’s hair even more than them touching mine, but I also understood that doing one’s hair with only one hand was impossible.

“Right?” Leon asked again.

I nodded, this time with more emphasis, and fixed his snapback with my last bobby-pins. “There you go.”

“How do I look?” His warm confidence returning before I even said something reassured me he would like it, no matter what I had done to him.

“Ready for the grand stage,” I said with a smile. “And now get going, I don’t want to stay here forever.”

* * *​

A treacherous descent later, we had somehow reached the small trail on the shoreline without major injuries. Strong gales scourged against the cliffs, creating a powerful updraft that was more than welcome to the many bird pokemon gliding on it. Waves occasionally broke over the rocky path, spraying us with little droplets of salt-water. Up ahead was the network of piers that oversaw this world heritage site and made it easier for the rangers to navigate the beach.

The rugged crags were a marvellous sight. The mainland cliffs towered to our right-hand side, but here on the shore, smaller rocks, too stubborn to give in to the millennia of waves, formed little islands and peninsulas. Even though they were battered by the tides, the largest ones had become home to sturdy grass and the occasional tree. And the low ones, constantly swept over by waves, were a welcome resting place to all sorts of pokemon.

“If you leave it be, it’ll hold longer,” I said.

“I mean…” He stopped fidgeting with his hair. Sentret skittered by my ankle and scouted ahead while a confused Leon processed this unfamiliar sensation. “How did you do this?”

An instant smile came across my face. “Ballet, baby!” I turned around, only to realise that this didn’t clear up anything for him. “Also, years of practise and about a thousand pins. I can show you later, if you want to.”

“What’s ballet got to do with that?”

I blinked at him in confusion. After that statement, I had to reconsider Leon’s title as a pro-athlete. “It’s the standard hairdo for ballerinas. That’s the first thing you’ll learn. Have you ever danced close to a partner with your hair down? It’s just… rude.”

Leon lowered his gaze and I realised that he probably hadn’t. Wyndon’s arena was a pretty vast and lonely space, after all. “You’re really serious about your dancing, right?” he changed the subject.

“Well…” As happy as I was about the change in topic, that was a difficult one. “I used to be. But now it’s just a hobby.”

“You still train for hours every day. What happ—” A squeak cut him short.

Sentret! A Spearow had picked the little girl up and carried her up in the air, presumably to its nest. She wailed in panic.

“Scratch at its feet as soon as you are over the water!” Leon yelled and ran after them, finally shaking me out of my paralysed state. I made sure to follow.

Sentret wreathed in the bird’s grip a bit more, trying to get into a better position. Spearow was already b-lining back to shore. If it would drop Sentret there, the impact would most likely be lethal.

“C’mon, do it!” Leon was now talking more to himself than giving orders.

Within a heartbeat we reached the first piers. We hopped onto the wooden planks, still following the Spearow while it dragged Sentret away. The solid surface made it easier to sprint while the waves washed over it, regardless.

Finally Sentret had turned around enough to reach its predator’s talons. It took a few scratches and a bite for Spearow to let go of her. Now she plummeted towards the open waters while the winds pushed her tiny body closer to the cliffs.

Leon stopped to give his voice more power against the howling gale. “Curl up! You can do it!”

Against all odds, his words reached her. She rolled up into a small ball, giving the wind as little surface as possible. Her fall became a lot steeper, but still dangerously close to rocky waters. And Spearow was not letting its prey escape just yet.

Out of sheer luck — or misfortune — a particularly high wave engulfed her right before the Spearow could swipe her up once more. Misfortune because that wave soon crashed against the shore with a terrifying force.

For a moment, time stood still as we watched the water redact back into the ocean, exposing the jagged rocks just below its surface. No sign of Sentret.

I was the first one to see it. “Over there!” On a craggy salient, about thirty feet long, a soaked Sentret scrambled onto the black rocks. Cowering in a small fissure, she spluttered water from her lungs, too exhausted and terrified to move any further. And the danger from above wasn’t gone yet.

Leon was already halfway over the railing that separated the piers from the salient when a switch inside me flipped. I tossed the backpack to the ground and rushed past him, making it onto the rocks before he did.

“What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?” Leon shouted, his golden eyes lighting up. But my actions had their desired effect. He had stopped.

Careful not to lose my footing on the slippery surface, I took half a step forward, assessing the situation. The rocks were dangerous but could be navigated with caution.

“No! You get back here immediately!” I could sense Leon was about to grab my wrist and jumped two large steps forward towards the open waters. My left side lost its grip upon landing, but I managed to cling on to the rocks. I turned around.

Leon was livid, but didn’t dare approach closer. At least my threat had been clear enough. If he’d get washed into the sea, he had no chance of making it to shore. I wasn’t the best swimmer under the sun either, but at least I didn’t have one arm constrained.

“This is so irresponsible! Hannah!” he screamed while I made my way forward.

«Oh, when I do this it’s irresponsible?» My mum threatening to ground me would have had more weight than whatever he could come up with now.

I considered every step, sometimes even relying on my hands, and crawled closer to the edge of the spit. Waves crashing against the rocks tossed their foam at me and after a few feet, I was soaking wet. The salt water threw strands of hair in my eyes, but wiping them away would only result in burning. Behind me, Leon was still yelling my name.

Sentret was within an arm’s reach now. I extended my hand to her, and reluctantly, she crept out of her hideout. Another wave washed over the salient, but she had almost reached me. Then the Spearow dove down again. It was a bold one; I had to give it that.

I didn’t think. I just jumped. My arms closed around Sentret, the force of my body easily tearing her from its talons. A moment later I hit the water.

The next wave pushed me against a rock hard enough to press the air out of my lungs. When it finally retreated, it pulled me with it, my arms and legs scraping against the rough ground. I tried to orient myself under water while my body was hauled around as if it was weightless.

Clasping one arm tight around Sentret, I let my other hand be dragged along the surface of the shelf to my left. I had to get a hold somewhere, or the next wave would crush me against those rocks. But the wet surface was too slippery to get a hold in the short time I had.

Then my hand found resistance. At first I couldn’t figure out what that warm thing was that was holding me tight, I just pulled myself up, regardless.

When I broke through the surface, I realised what held me. Leon’s hand. His eyes flickered with unveiled anger. I heaved Sentret onto the rocks and returned his glare. My brain had now returned to its most primitive state, answering aggression with counter-aggression. I was ready to fight him.

But then his centre of gravity shifted. It was a slow shift, maybe a split second, but still long enough to process it consciously. We were almost out on open waters, at the far end of the salient.

«He mustn’t lose his balance.»

I twisted my hand in his, slipping out of his grip. Despite his anger, there was a hint of surprise in his eyes before I got dragged under the surface again.

From there, things went blurry. I think I hit my head on the seafloor as the retreating water pulled me further out into the ocean. Then something wrapped around my body.

* * *​

For a short time, my body moved without my command. The air returning to my lungs came into effect the moment I hit solid ground. My brain was still hazy, my eyes burning with seawater, but my mind was alert.

“Are you alright?” a voice asked.

Somebody touched my face, and I slapped the hand away while I gasped for air. I rubbed the water and my wet hair out of my face and opened my eyes.

“That was a close one, don’t you think?” the same voice said. It belonged to a young man, kneeling next to me on what seemed to be the rear of a small boat. I nodded. “I’m Ken from the Union Bay Ocean Conservation.”

“Hanako,” I said. His name stirred something in my brain. Trying to find the memory, I let my eyes wander around the ship. Around my waist was what I could only describe as a gigantic, brown and white striped worm, wreathing about.

“Hanako? Have we phoned about a week ago?” the young man asked.

The worm finally got on its tiny feet and shook about five litres of water out. What remained was a spiky-haired critter that looked at me with doting black eyes. I had never seen a wet Furret before and, by god, it was not a pleasant thing to look at.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” the man said, this time with more concern in his voice.

“Yes,” I groaned. I massaged the bridge of my nose with one hand and the familiar pokemon with the other, trying to get my brain to work. “I’ve called the Ocean Conservation… on the 5th, I think. Did we talk?”

“We did.” Ken leaned back and relaxed a bit. A slight smile crept across his face. He was an attractive young man, about a year older than me at most, with black hair, dark eyes and a healthy tan. He wore sturdy looking work attire and a life vest. “I’m so glad we found you. The park rangers are already looking for you. We have a severe thunderstorm alert for the Union-Waterway.”

* * *​

Leon hopped on board about fifteen minutes later when Ken steered the boat close to one of the piers. Furret immediately reclaimed her prime position as scarf around his neck. Her new-gained length also meant that her tail was still wagging in my face, much to her joy.

Leon’s expression was serious the whole time when Ken caught him up to speed. Now he leaned back against the boat’s railing while it took off, heading towards the Conservation’s outpost.

“You know him?” It had taken him quite some time to find the right tone, and it still didn’t match his usual light-heartedness.

I nodded. “I called them after I saw a poster in the Pokemon Center. It’s better the park rangers know about the people in national parks as big as this. Also, we can stock up there.”

Leon looked straight ahead. “Good idea.” The knuckles on his hands were white under his skin as he squeezed the railing with way more force than necessary.

 

[bluesidra]

Chapter 19: Unravel​

October 16th 1993, 2pm.

The front door fell shut, and I sighed, relieved. I finally had the cabin to myself.

Outside, the three men chattered away while they loaded the boat. They were going to check the Wooper dens for damage after the last two days of unrelenting rainfall. Leon, blissfully unaware of the circumstances, was the centre of attention and thrived. If it wasn’t for his ability to steam-roll every uncomfortable situation by sheer force of personality, this could very well turn into the most awkward boat ride in recorded history.

I got up and opened the windows, letting fresh air into our confinement. The Ocean Conservation’s cabin was tiny. Granted, it was first and foremost a communication hub and an outpost for the park rangers, storing their tools, maps and supplies. It was only meant to be manned by one person at a time or two in an emergency. Not four people for over 58 hours straight. And especially not if those four people had some unresolved tensions.

There had been music in the air since the first time Ken had laid eyes upon Leon. His crush was so obvious that everyone within a four-mile radius could pick up on it — except for Leon. But Ken took the unspoken rejection in stride. Way better than his college, Andrew.

Both Andrew and Ken were volunteers. They spent a gap year performing communal service for the park rangers and the Ocean Conservation, respectively. Both came from different backgrounds, but they still had arranged themselves into a friendly acquaintanceship over the course of the year.

We had met Andrew once we arrived at the cabin. By that point, I was still soaked from my excursion into the waters. I hadn’t paid it any attention until I noticed Andrew could barely take his eyes off my wet shirt.

Later that evening, when he had learned that we were both from Galar, his fascination only grew. Come night-time and I had already received a compliment on my ‘beautiful blue eyes’ that were so ‘unusual in girls like me.’

Since then, I had been wearing Owen’s sweatshirts non-stop. They were too big even on Leon and for me they could double as a dress — a shapeless, knee-long dress. Which was just as intended.

At first I had congratulated myself on the idea, but then I realised the conclusions Andrew had made from that. It was called the boyfriend-style for a reason, after all. Now, on top of longing gazes and cramped living conditions, we had to also deal with jealousy.

I could swear we had only survived on Leon’s charisma.

* * *​

After half an hour, the smallest kitchen on the planet looked inhabitable again, and I turned my attention to the common room. This assembly of a coffee-table, a couch and an armchair had been our living, dining and sleeping area for two days now. The pillows and blankets needed shaking, and for the first time there was enough space to actually do so.

After that was also done, I felt a lot better. The living room now looked like I could actually spend another night in it.

Since there was still plenty of time until the guys returned, I took a long walk along the piers. The storm had washed debris and sea-weed all over them and sand crunched under my shoes even though I walked on solid planks. The air was clean and low, a mix of salt, wet stone and slowly fermenting plants on it.

The silence finally gave me time to think about the past one and a half weeks.

* * *​

When I returned to the outpost about an hour later, I was relieved to find the boat still not back in its landing. From our backpack, I fetched the old travel guide. I didn’t have to dig too deep. Leon still used it as his personal notebook, its cover holding together a bunch of extra pages and the stupid pink pen he had snatched up somewhere.

The phone had just stopped ringing when I entered the outpost. The answering machine jumped into gears when the voice on the other end said its message. Again, cassette tapes.

A mechanical click, then the red light went out, and the system was quiet again. Now I understood why old people still called it an answering machine instead of voicemail.

I waited for a few more seconds, then picked up the phone. It was bulky, but at least wireless. Inside the front cover of the guide was my collection of important phone numbers. I dialled one of them now.

* * *​

“Yeah?” the familiar voice on the other end said after a few beeps.

“Hey.”

“Hana? What phone did you hijack?” I could hear his smile through the earpiece. With only three sentences, Morty had taken all the stress of the past days away.

“We’re at the Union Bay Ocean Conservation’s outpost.”

A lazy whistling sound came through the speaker. “Did you guys cross the meteorologists’ union or something? What is it with you and storms?”

I laughed. “Must be the Galarian nature. Can’t be sunny for two days in a row, can it?” For a moment I listened to the static of the cable, happy to have him on the other end. “How are you?”

A dull sound suggested he was putting something away. “I’m fine. I just came back from the towers. How about you?”

I went over to the kitchen and put the travel guide on the counter. “I’m fine, too. I just wanted to talk to a normal person.”

A brief laugh. “Then you’ve got the wrong number.”

I reached for the pack of pretzel sticks and put a hand full into a glass. At least one benefit of living with Andrew.

On the other end of the line, Morty grew quiet. When he spoke up again, his voice was empathic. “Too much?”

I nodded, nibbling on one of the sticks. He understood. “Do you have some time?”

“Of course. I’ll call you back on the landline.” At the other end, something rustled, then the call ended with a beep. I made myself comfortable leaning against the kitchen counter. A moment later, the phone rang again.

A breeze brought another wave of fresh air and the scent of the sea inside. It picked up the curtains, sweeping the white fabric against the few pieces of furniture.

A few more minutes passed, and the line had fallen silent. If it hadn’t been for the occasional rustling sound on the other end, I would have worried that the call had disconnected.

I could have asked anything. How their way home had been, if anything out of the ordinary had happened while he was away, or what Eusine was up to now. And Morty would want to hear about our misadventures of the past days. But none of that mattered right now; we both knew it.

The breeze abated, the curtains fell back down, and the silence remained. The more I listened, the less I knew what I wanted to say. With every breath, the tension of the last week fell off, little by little. And it left a chill feeling in my stomach.

I pulled the sweatshirt tighter around me. The guide got caught in a fold and fell to the floor. I pushed the pages that had spilled out back into the cover with my foot while I listened to Morty’s breathing on the other side.

No matter how tight I had wrapped it, the sweater still rolled up along the veneer while I slowly slid down. The first tear felt foreign and the second unwelcome. The third and the fourth were inevitable. Then I lost count of them.

I felt so drained, I couldn’t even cry. I just let the tears run down my cheeks, hoping he wouldn’t realise. If only I knew why I was even crying. But my mind was blank.

A faint voice in my head said the familiar phrase. «No crying, Hanako, you are not a baby!»

Dread overcame me. The same voice pushed my lungs to take deeper breaths and the tears to fall faster.

I put the phone on the floor next to me and wiped them away with my sleeve. It was little use. As soon as I put my hand down again, new tears were already running down my cheeks. My breath became shaky, and I quickly turned the phone face down.

Morty’s voice broke the silence, extinguishing the last wisps with which it had barely clung to life. “It’s ok.”

A sob escaped my lips. I quickly held my mouth shut, but there was no use catching the fleeting sounds. No, it wasn’t ok. Though I didn’t know why. I pressed my eyes shut and bit down onto the sweater’s fabric to get myself back to normal. A small whimper followed, muffled by the cloth.

The breaths got deeper, even though I tried to hold them down, until I almost gasped for air again.

«No, you can’t let that happen! Not again.»

I looked around the room for anything to distract me when my eyes got stuck on the guide next to me.

The loose pages peeking out were filled with pink scribbles and drawings. I pulled them out and for a moment I forgot my tears and my breaths. Causality chains and process flowcharts were mixed in with model sketches, not unlike the one he had drawn up when we visited Sprout Tower. So many little annotations spiked the drawings that they became hard to decipher. And every last page was so full he sometimes had to write over his own words to get his thoughts on the paper.

Now I couldn’t hold back any longer. Whatever restraint I had now shattered and fell off.

Every scenario one might think of — maybe even more — was there, every path followed through to its multiple solutions. And so many of them ended in a bleak conclusion. If done correctly, whoever we were right now would cease to exist, eradicated and overwritten by the logic of the looping time. A small ‘x’ marked these paths, factual and innocent.

Heavy teardrops fell down onto the words, dispersing the lines. Twines of pink ink formed shapes on the wet paper while I slipped down, unravelling in my cries.

In a sudden spike of anger and defiance — not strong enough to change anything, but strong enough to move my body — I kicked the phone away. It slithered across the floor while those welcome feelings of control got overwhelmed and numbed down by desperation.

“Hana.” Morty’s voice from across the room was warm and comforting, but it did little against the waves of anguish that ran over me.

I curled up into a ball and sobbed and sobbed. I just wanted to go home. Get Leon away from me. See Hop again. But— but— in the end, all paths closed with an ‘x’.

How often I had wished for things to be quieter, slower. But was ceasing once the little ‘x’ hit the only way? It couldn’t be. I wanted to go home.

I pressed my forehead against the floor while my mind began to race now, after all. For the first time, I wished my inner voice would demand to calm down. Not being able to fulfil an order was still preferable over what it said now. And so I listened to my sobs, desperately trying to focus on anything else than those pink crossing lines barring my way back home.

* * *​

I got caught up in a coughing fit once my lungs demanded more and more oxygen. For quite some time — I couldn’t tell how long — I was torn between making myself as small as possible and getting enough air. At one point, my vision faded to black, but slowly — very slowly — I got better.

I had cried until I couldn’t cry any more. Now I laid on my side, staring blankly at the skirting board, surrounded by papers.

From across the room, a quiet rustling noise came through the speaker.

It took an immense amount of willpower and focus to get up on all fours and crawl over to the phone. I wiped the last tears away and let myself fall down next to it, like a wet sack. The impact forced another cough out of my tortured lungs.

I picked up the phone and stared at its bulky grey keys for quite a while, trying to remember how to speak.

“You shouldn’t have heard this,” I finally whispered.

A gentle voice from the other side. “And yet I’m still here.”

 

[HelloYellow17]

EYYYYY it’s me, a whole week late because I’m the worst, I AM SO SORRY

Anyways, I’m here for catnip, finally! And boy was this a treat :D I definitely want to plunge in and read more later, but for now I’ll just be covering the first chapter!

Spoiler: Line Quotes

Another arm closing around my waist, pressing my back against a warm chest. Eternatus’ hand snapping closed, vanishing into the rift. The sound. The overwhelming sound of air rushing past my ears. A body curling itself around me like a protective shell. Purple strands of hair in the corner of my eyes.

I like the use of short sentences here, it gives the reader that sense of chaos and a million things happening at once, almost too quickly to take in. The whole Eternatus scene was nicely done! I do wish I’d gotten a greater sense of how Hana was feeling, though—not just what she was seeing and feeling physically, but what kind of thoughts were going through her head at this moment?

Within one second, I was wide awake. I shot up, tumbling a few feet away from the foreign feeling before my brain kicked in.

Idk why but the “tumbling a few feet away” but made this sentence confusing for me. Was she physically tumbling? Because that’s immediately what my mind thought LOL

This was Leon’s coat, right? There could only be so many ugly capes around.

OMG the savagery 🤣 Hana tells it like it is haha. “He gave me his cape to keep me warm but it’s still ugly and I must make note of that”

Without even opening my eyes, I reached for the back pocket of my pants to my Rotom-Phone.

Eh? I thought her eyes were already open?

“That grey… thing… mess… consumed my circuits. The motherboard – gone, just like that! And then it wanted to eat me! It was so scary!” Rotom hugged my face, sending electricity down my entire body.

Oh noooooo poor baby!! That would be scary! :(

‘I am so sorry,’ was the first thought shooting through my head, but Leon’s shaking anger had me fall silent. I watched him press the ball’s middle button over and over again, to no avail. Finally, he clenched his hand around it until his knuckles appeared white under his bronze skin.

…oh jeez. Oh YIKES. No wonder he’s freaking out, I would be too!! Also omg what does this mean for the Pokémon inside?? The turning to stone thing is interesting, too. Does all technology that doesn’t belong in the time period just…turn to stone?

“Know what? Wait here, if you want. I’m gonna find a solution for this.” With this, he turned around and sprinted off. A moment later, he was gone.

Um, sir? You literally just got yourself lost and you don’t know where you are. How exactly are you going to “find a solution”? …SIR???

“It’s the same with Aegislash and the others,” he said, his voice hollow. I was by far not an expert on pokeballs, but judging from what Rotom told me, this looked grim. “What about yours?”

[insert a million rowlanxiety emotes here]
I am SO STRESSED for his Pokémon!! I’m sure that they’re just in a state of, idk, petrification and not actually dead, but agh I’d be an absolute wreck if I were in Leon’s shoes. He’s honestly handling this decently well compared to how I’d probably handle it. 😅

He didn’t get to decide what suited him and what not. His entire career had been a disaster fashion-wise, at least as far back as I had followed it.

LOL more savagery. Hana does not hold back when commenting on Leon’s fashion sense.

“Hey Hana, look at that! Have you ever seen a pokemon like that?” I looked up to see a small brown ball of fur on two short legs. Its body was almost completely round, with a long, bushy, striped tail. Its tall ears pointed to a very perceptive and cautious pokemon, but this one in particular didn’t look scared at all. If anything, those small black eyes looked rather demanding.

Is it SENTRET TIME?! IT’S SENTRET TIME, FOLKS
On that note, Hana did refer to Sentret as a Skwovet at first. Which makes sense! But I totally took her word for it and actually visualized a Skwovet. Perhaps changing the wording a bit to something like, “a Skwovet-looking Pokemon” would make it clearer that it’s not actually a Skwovet, but something similar and something unfamiliar to Hana.

A moment later a majestic cry echoed from the treetops as a huge pokemon soared through the air, its powerful wings parting the clouds and painting the sky blue again. As I squinted my eyes to peek at it against the blinding light of the sun, I was sure that it itself drew the rainbow across the firmament with its feathers of pure colour.

👀👀👀👀 Scuse me, HO-OH?? Idk how I’ve missed this from all you’ve shared on Discord but I’m suuuper interested to see what role Ho-oh plays in this story. Also I wasn’t expecting to see them so soon, but you definitely won’t catch me complaining lol :D

Well I’m already hooked. You did a great job of immediately setting up the stakes—for one, they’re lost and injured in completely foreign territory, and for another, people back home are in deeep trouble with The Darkest Day going down. Oh boy it is not gonna be pretty when they not only find out where they are, but when…

I’m not sure if you’re accepting crit for the first chapter at this point, since you’ve already rewritten it, it seems? If you are, though, I do have some suggestions!

Insert more of Hana’s feelings. We know a little bit about what she’s thinking, but describing emotions (panic, fear, confusion) can hit home even harder. The breathing exercises were a good way to illustrate that, but I’d also love more descriptions that really capture how she’s feeling—tightness in her chest, or holding back tears, or shaking hands, etc. Physical descriptions like that are powerful in communicating emotions to the reader.

That’s really my biggest suggestion! I’d also recommend describing the scenery just a tad more precisely, because while reading I had almost no sense of direction and struggled to picture the surroundings sometimes—but as I’m writing this out I realize that kind of works to your advantage, too, because Hana and Leon don’t know where they are and have no sense of direction either, lol. So in a way, the vague descriptions can help the reader feel how lost they are.

This was lovely and I can’t wait to read more! Your prose is nice, I like your descriptions of appearances and how they feel natural rather than just dumped on the reader, and I can already tell that Leon and Hana are going to make a fun dynamic, heh. :D

 

[bluesidra]

@HelloYellow17 Thank you so much for the review <3

Of course I want to hear some criticism. I'll bottle it up for another half year and then maybe incorporate it when I polish things a bit more, but in the meantime they help me quite a lot with what I'm currently at.
Especially that emotion thing. Makes me want to go back to the last chapter and add a bit of those. Which is pretty difficult, because as good as I am in telling emotions in other people, I really suck at describing how they feel to oneself. Well, time for practise.
Also, interesting point with the environment. I thought I was pretty in detail in this chapter, to a point where I might be overloading. Hm...

Also, your comments are gold :D
Also, big Sentret time! Sentrets are best!
Ho-oh... is important... after I completely disregard it for 1.5 arcs. But when it becomes important, it will be vital.
Oh, and about Leon "finding" things: He lives squarely on main-character logic. The plot is where he goes. If he missed something, he just runs around in circles until something interesting happens. He will forever deny that, but that is basically the logic to his madness. It's nice that you pointed this line out, because, well, that's him in a nutshell

Thanks for giving it a read and I really hope you'll come back for more.
Spoiler/Lure: As long as there will be Cherry Drops, there will be Sentrets...

 

[Homestar!]

Hey, Bluesidra! Here for catnip!

I just got done with my first pass of Ch. 1: Lost. It's put me in quite the predicament since I'm personally not a fan of first-person and I also haven't played a lick of SwSh; I can't speak a ton to Leon's characterization, what the Darkest Day is, Eternatus, or anything of that nature. That being the case, I'll do my best to make commentary more on the form and execution of the piece.

I don't want to get too into the weeds with regards to grammar, spelling, and the like. I understand that this isn't the most polished version of this story. I'll try to pick out the most egregious things I see, but I'll refrain from any serious nitpicking!

Your pace is super quick! I definitely wish we had more time to slow down and enjoy Hana's thoughts and her observations of her new environment. The pace works very well for your intro, and the scene where Rotom is becoming petrified; In other scenes, like Hana talking herself down, or Hana bandaging up Leon, there's a dearth of detail that I'm sorely missing.

I'm having some trouble with Leon, personally, but I also freely admit to not knowing a lick about them besides what I've read here. And that's that they have been a champion for at least a decade, but are also... A bit helpless and clueless, I must admit. Leaving Hana (who I assume is contemporary to Hop, and much younger/less experienced than Leon) to take over the leadership role I would have expected a Champion to take over.

I mention it at the end of the line-by-line, but I wanna point out that your pacing and imagery in both the very first and very last sections of Ch. 1 are superb. The former is quick, confusing, emotional, and just enough to make me want more. The latter is a little slower, more delicate and nuanced, and shows me you're capable of a decent bit of range! I implore you to see how far you can push that range, in both directions! Though you've got quick covered :P

Spoiler: Line-by-Line

Everything went by so fast. Eternatus’ unending body raced upwards, squirming as it was devoured by this abyss of light.

And so did I.

Two-for-one grammar special here: Proper names get that weird "s-apostraphe-s" treatment (So, "Eternatus's"), and the phrase "And so did I" doesn't work with the phrasing of what that phrase applies to (a rough way to check would be: "[And so did I] squirming as I was devoured[...]").

My personal fix suggestion would be the simple "And so was I."

A Skwovet was trying to pull something out of his pockets, but I couldn’t shoo it away anymore. A coppery taste spread from somewhere between my tongue and my nose.

Is Hana confusing the Sentret we see later for a Skwovet? I would have liked to see a little confusion about that here, to help readers connect this moment to the Sentret later if so!

Okay. Okay. Everything’s alright. Deep breath in, count to ten. There’s nothing that can’t be solved. You just need to keep cool.

A part of my perplexion with first-person is moments like this. In this line, Hana is narrating to herself, however, she's also doing that for the rest of the piece. While I do get that this moment is meant to be "Hana is very literally saying this to herself," I feel as if a mention of that would help.

Another deep breath, then I opened my eyes and – the screen was cracked! Not only that, the entire case was bent. And something else: the lower side of the phone was… petrified? It looked like someone had made a tombstone for my deceased phone and stopped halfway through.

I personally feel like this moment last too long, contrary to my general thoughts. Seeing this sort of damage on a phone would be near-instantaneous, but it's divided into three beats by a hyphen and two phrases.

Damn Macro Cosmos and their quality control, I thought as I struggled against the strong glue. Rotom wailed on the inside, panicking. I had to press it to the ground with one foot and pull with both arms, but finally, the back cover cracked open.

This is more of a lore inquiry than anything: Why can't Rotom get out themselves? How did they get in in the first place? What keeps them trapped inside of the phone?

“I can’t pick up any mobile signal here.”

If I take the name of the fic at face value, this is Johto circa 1996, correct? Unfortunately, I do think there was a widespread mobile network at that time. Though there's definitely some flavor to be had with Rotom whinging about "crappy signal!"

“Yes I am! You know what’s not? Everything else! Somewhere out there something’s wrecking Hammerlocke! I should be there, fightin’ it. But I’m in the middle of goddamn nowhere! Somethin’ about Dynamax I don’t even understand!” Leon was furious in a way I’ve never seen or imagined him. “Can’t even call a cab ‘cause my phone’s broken. And worst of all-” He reached for his waist bag and I instinctively took a step back. “This!”

I gasped. In Leon’s outstretched hand was a pokeball, often used and now turned solid grey, petrified like my phone.

This is a terrifying thought. I love the psychological aspect of stripping a Champion down to just themselves again, and the stinger of 'Charizard is either dead or petrified inside of that ball' is heartwrenching.

I think my problem is with not knowing Leon's characterization, which makes me hesitant to speak for or against what he does here and throughout the chapter. He seems reckless, impulsive, moody, and all in all not what I would expect a 23(?) year old, decade-long-reigning Champion to be. But there's a lot to be said for the impact of losing his team and losing his bearings, and I don't know how the game portrays Leon; this interpretation could be bang-on.

“And what is the next step?” My smile vanished the second I heard the desperation in his voice. “There are, like, so many things to do now. Do something about my team. Find out what’s going on in Hammerlocke. Seal Eternatus back to where it came from. Make sure everyone’s safe. Y’know? Champ stuff. And I don’t even know where to start. Or how to get there, for that matter.” He sighed. “Normally I just go somewhere and things sort themselves out. But now? I am completely lost.”

Yeah, I can't shake the feeling that someone who has been one of the most powerful trainers in the world for over a decade would have a better plan than 'wing it.' I'm sorry if that comes across as callous, but I'm woefully confused by this Pokemon Master's complete lack of drive, self-confidence, and general intelligence.

“Can you do something about that?” he asked, reluctantly following my order.

I nodded while I took off my scarf. There was a reason I was my term’s appointed first-aider.

Leon sent the scarf a wary look, but let me get to work. He didn’t get to decide what suited him and what not. His entire career had been a disaster fashion-wise, at least as far back as I had followed it.

The moment I took my eyes off him and he couldn’t follow my movements any longer, he sighed.

This is a moment where I wished that the pacing had slowed down. There's another sweet, still moment under the trees while they watch the rain, too. I would have loved to have seen you take your time here and work through how Hana figures out a sling from essentially miscellaneous clothing, or what's racing through her head and she soaks in the scenery.

“Hey Hana, look at that! Have you ever seen a pokemon like that?” I looked up to see a small brown ball of fur on two short legs.

Again, he's been doing this for a decade, yeah? And he hasn't seen a Sentret?

Leon got up. “And now be a good boy and bugger off!”

Little note on the term 'bugger off:' While a minor oath, it does roughly equivocate to, "go get fucked in the ass." If that's the, uh, strength of oath you're looking for, then you're set.

When he was sure it was out of sight, Leon popped one of the red drops of solidified carbohydrate into his mouth. He offered me one too. I declined. It went to Rotom instead.

I think another way to help with pacing would be to integrate Rotom and their actions more into the story. Have them be an active player in more scenes, mostly so that we don't forget them (like I honestly did up until this moment).

A moment later a majestic cry echoed from the treetops as a huge pokemon soared through the air, its powerful wings parting the clouds and painting the sky blue again. As I squinted my eyes to peek at it against the blinding light of the sun, I was sure that it itself drew the rainbow across the firmament with its feathers of pure colour.

So this whole ending passage was quite pretty. I love the imagery of the magnet train vaporizing the rainwater on the tracks, and I love the time that you took with it. However, I do think that Hana seeing Ho-oh is a little too on-the-nose with Pokemon.

 

[bluesidra]

Hey @Homestar! Thanks for the review!

It's interesting how you think this is too fast paced! I always figured my writing to be too slow. Occasionally, I have some lines where I'm thinking "I should insert some inner monologue here" but then again, my and my MC's head are empty. I have yet to find the literary equivalent to tumbleweed rolling across the scene.
I kinda tend to avoid extensive inner monologue (like what you mentioned with the talking down and the bandaging up), because I'm afraid of the thing getting too lost in her head and/or it becoming some emo-fest. I picked up the mantra that you should let the reader figure out a lot of the emotions by giving them behavioral clues. Hm...
How would you expand on those two parts, and how long?

Re Spelling and Grammar: Gimme. This is a pretty polished version. Won't get any better with my tools. I could explode every time people say "oh, there are errors there", but not because people point that out but because how can those little shits still hide from me after so much proofreading!!!!

Spoiler: Line Quotes

Proper names get that weird "s-apostraphe-s" treatment

Can I just say that I hate English sometimes?

I would have liked to see a little confusion about that here, to help readers connect this moment to the Sentret later if so!

Noted. Yellow pointed out the same thing. Will be an easy fix.

A part of my perplexion with first-person is moments like this.

Yeah, me too, me too. I've now settled on the rule of "direct thoughts come in italics" and "direct thoughts are defined as either the prose switching to present tense or Hana talking to herself in 2nd person". But idk how it's done correctly either

This is more of a lore inquiry than anything: Why can't Rotom get out themselves?

Hmm... If only I knew that. I mean, because of the weird time-shift magic going on, of course!

this is Johto circa 1996, correct? Unfortunately, I do think there was a widespread mobile network at that time.

1993, and yeah, I'm aware that there were was a rudimentary service grid back then, but Rotom is a spoiled Millennial. It won't go for anything under 4G.

He seems reckless, impulsive, moody, and all in all not what I would expect a 23(?) year old, decade-long-reigning Champion to be.

Yeah, I can't shake the feeling that someone who has been one of the most powerful trainers in the world for over a decade would have a better plan than 'wing it.' I'm sorry if that comes across as callous, but I'm woefully confused by this Pokemon Master's complete lack of drive, self-confidence, and general intelligence.

Re Leon: You're pretty spot on with the characterisation, except that he's a 20 year old, 10 years reigning Champion. One would expect him to be a bit more mature and that his general plan would be more than "wing it", but that's exactly who I wanted to portray :D
Hm... I kinda don't want to give too much away, in case you'll ever decide to come back, but if you haven't played SwSh: The Darkest Day and especially Leon being so drastically removed from it is a pretty traumatic event for him. Canonically, by this point he's been awake for close to 24h fighting Eternatus, and he takes his responsibility pretty serious. The rest ventures probably into spoiler territory.
Also, to make you feel better: He is the more mature and driven one of the two, just in other areas.

Again, he's been doing this for a decade, yeah? And he hasn't seen a Sentret?

Preface: Sentret is not on the Galarian dex. And do you know Sentret stats? How often do you think you come across a Sentret in interational competitve league circles :D

However, I do think that Hana seeing Ho-oh is a little too on-the-nose with Pokemon.

Hm... yeah. Was worried about that too. Hm.............

 

[Homestar!]

I kinda tend to avoid extensive inner monologue (like what you mentioned with the talking down and the bandaging up), because I'm afraid of the thing getting too lost in her head and/or it becoming some emo-fest. I picked up the mantra that you should let the reader figure out a lot of the emotions by giving them behavioral clues. Hm...

I moreso meant Hana observing her surroundings than just an inner monologue. Noting that the plants aren't quite right, or the air smells different. What do the woods sound like? How and where was Hana injured? Those sorts of questions.

Should you let the reader be shown instead of told? Yes, however, you're also first person. You don't gotta say, like, "I am mad and frustrated, and that makes me angey >:((((" But you have a little more wiggle room to reference emotion and play with it. IRL, I very rarely think to myself "holy FUCK am I MAD" but that doesn't mean I never think it, and I have definitely shouted it at least once or twice.

How would you expand on those two parts, and how long?

Hana's Internal Monologue of centering herself, on the other hand, could be totally word-for-word her thoughts. But! I like playing around with extended dialogue and "dialogue" (theatre background lmao).

"Bandaging Up" gives your characters something to do while they talk! Leon says a little something while she ties together her scarf, she has a reply as she adjusts it to the right length. Rotom buzzes about something while she figures out how to pin Leon's arm down. Hana pulls off her leg warmers and notices how banged up she is, yadda yadda.

Wrt grammar and stuff, I purposefully didn't write everything down but now I wish I had! Bahahaha. There wasn't a ton, some weird tense things here and there that may have been artifacts from editing, but it's got a decent amount of polish.

 

[bluesidra]

Chapter 20: Working Out​

October 18th 1993, 8am.

«There is still room in the backpack,» I assured myself as I folded the last shirts. Overjoyed to leave this place behind soon, I carried the clean laundry over to the shed. And almost tripped over Leon.

“What are you doing down there?” I asked, still regaining my balance.

“Catching up with you.”

“Aha.” I knelt down to him and was met with Mareep’s confused look.

“I have to admit, I used to be better at these,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Maybe don’t start weighted then.” I motioned Mareep to get off his back and Leon finally gave his push-ups a break, stopping in a full plank. I admired all people who could do those with one arm, but something was off about him.

Determined, he stared straight down at the ground, silently counting. I watched him a bit longer before it finally hit me.

“Leon!” My voice sounded reproachful, not unlike my mother’s whenever she was scolding me. “What made you think that was a good idea?”

He refused to answer, instead continued counting. I glared at him until there was more electricity in the air than in Mareep’s fleece. The sheep tip-toed around nervously.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore,” he said after a while.

“Doesn’t hurt anymore? Lucy told you to get checked up in Azalea first and then — maybe — the cast can come off. It’s been what now? Five—”

“Six weeks exactly.” Leon finally turned to me. The anger in his eyes was back. “That’s more than enough. I’m ok. Really.”

I leaned back against the wall and finally sat down, consciously breathing to suppress my own rising emotions. Those sparks only barely concealed vulnerability, and I didn’t want to thread there. Not at 8am.

“Great, now I’ve lost count.” Leon let himself fall down.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose and tried for a conciliatory tone, signalling my peace offer. “What are you going for?”

“One-hundred.” With that, he yanked himself up again on his right arm.

“You’ve made that easily. Are you doing alternating sets?” Leon stared at the ground. At first he ignored what I said, but then nodded slightly. I sighed. “Come on, switch sides. One-sided training has never helped anyone.”

Despite having his entire core engaged, Leon grumbled before he finally relented. I wondered if I was annoying him as much as he annoyed me sometimes. And how much of his sunny demeanour was just a facade.

My contemplation was cut short when Ken entered the shed.

“Hey, Hana, I’ve found those shirts…” Almost a sentence. It could have fooled me, but Ken’s face betrayed him.

I smiled at him and leaned forward while I pushed Leon’s supporting arm with my leg. He of course resisted, but against my calves he didn’t stand a chance. Within one heartbeat, he fell over to his side while I got up with one smooth motion, placing myself between Ken and him.

“Thank you!” I said with my sweetest voice and looked through the pack of clothes he handed me. It was amazing how much chaos we had caused in that short period of time. “One is still missing… Have you seen a green shirt with an Arcanine print on it?”

Ken shook his head. He couldn’t have seen it. There was no such shirt. Utilising my best impression of Baby-Doll Eyes, he finally relented with a sigh. “I’ll take another look.”

“What was that for now?” said an angry Leon as I stepped over him. He was now sitting cross-legged on the floor and had given up on finishing his set.

At the prospect of explaining myself, the spirit of my high-school friend that I channelled in situations like these, vanished. All my fake confidence was gone, and I fumbled with the zips on the backpack.

“He was… staring at you,” I got out.

“He does that all the time. Don’t you think I noticed?” Now I had to turn around, no matter how embarrassed I was. I blinked at him a few times, unable to decide if he didn’t get what I said or if he was strangely ok with it.

“Yeah, but he was staring at your… at your butt.” Blood now rushed to my cheeks, and I hated myself for it.

“Oh, leave him! Doesn’t hurt anyone, does it?” I could tell that today was not his day — nor mine for that matter — and that it would be a long one, too. I sighed internally and begged for this conversation to be over soon. And the entire morning with it.

Leon was at this point a sulking ball of anger on the floor. Then something hit him. “Wait, is this some jealousy-thing I should be aware of?”

“What? No!” I screamed, bright red.

«Oh god!»

“That’s— It’s the girl-code. That’s what friends do for each other.”

How I wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Leon stared at the opposite wall while I buried my face in my hands, trying to repress some forth-form memories. This was so embarrassing.

“Friends don’t—” His low voice cut through my thoughts. I looked up. He was still in the same position on the ground, determined not to meet my eyes.

Silence engulfed the room while Leon refused to finish his sentence. I took a deep breath.

“Leon, I can’t read your thoughts. If you want to tell me something, please go ahead.”

His gaze was unbroken for a few more seconds, then he ruffled his hair, letting out a frustrated groan. “I’m a jerk today.” The sudden movement at least brought some spirit back into him. He looked at me and for the first time today, I saw the Leon that I had grown familiar with. “Can we jug it up to me being tired?”

I stepped closer to him and knelt down, only an arm-length away from his face. If he could force me to talk through silence, so could I.

He stubbornly held my gaze for quite a while, then resigned. His shoulders relaxed, and he briefly averted his eyes. When he looked up again, his face displayed only sincerity and exhaustion. “Can you promise me to not throw yourself into dangerous situations any more?”

I held his imploring gaze. “Could you if I asked the same of you?”

Silence fell over the cabin and over us. Leon resting against the wall and me kneeling between his now outstretched legs. Locked in each other’s eyes, there was no more hostility when we both realised that there would be no answer. Maybe, in this small aspect of our personalities, we weren’t so different after all. If only I could tell which part it was. Was it stubbornness? Pride?

We ended the moment with a simultaneous sigh. Leon forced a slight smile, and I returned it.

“Can we pretend all of this never happened?” he said while I got up.

“If you insist.” I gave him my hand and pulled him up. Touching his right arm was still a foreign feeling.

“Also, backpack’s now mine.” He was almost back to the persona one would consider ‘normal’ on him.

«And I should know,» I thought while I summoned mine back.

* * *​

I leaned against the door-frame and watched him as he stowed away the shirts. It was good seeing him use both arms again. Being free of the restraint was only one part. More importantly, his constant guilt about not being able to help was finally over. Now that the cast and those feelings were gone, he held himself even straighter than before.

He hadn’t been that volatile in a long time. But maybe he was closer to his breaking point than he wanted to admit, too. After all, I had reached mine two days ago.

Morty had called to check in on me later, but that had only earned me piercing glares from our room-mate. When Andrew had been ordered to Union Cave yesterday, I of course stalled for another day, only to avoid running into him again.

“All done!” Leon smiled while he carried the backpack over.

For the moment I made no attempt to move, and he stopped, again only an arm-length away from me. I met his tired eyes. “We’ll reach Azalea in three days. Then things will finally get back to normal again.”

“I know.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes anymore.

 

[bluesidra]

Chapter 21: Projections​

CW: Contains discussions of eating disorders

October 19th 1993, 10am.

The Union Mountains towered to our left and right, and although we followed a stream, we still had some elevation to gain. The pungent scent of pinewoods and resin lingered in the air, but the cooling autumn weather made it easy to breathe.

Not for me, apparently. I was arguing with my stamina reserves when, from behind me again came the familiar sound of fabric on fabric.

“If you stop for a moment, I’ll get you the skin cream.” As soon as he heard my voice, Leon stopped scratching his arm.

“No, it’s ok. But thanks.” I let myself fall back and watched him shuffle around in his jacket.

“It’ll get better soon. Have you never had a cast before?”

“Of course.” Within one heartbeat, Champ Leon was back. “2013 season, quarter-finals onwards, when Gordie reworked large parts of Wyndon Stadium. Got hit with a part of the floor and broke my leg, but in the end, we—” He swallowed hard. “Anyway, I had the entire off-season to run around the Isle of Armor and balance both sides out again, so…”

“You’ll get your strength back here as well.” My words didn’t reach him.

For a moment I saw him scramble to get any semblance of personality back, now that Champ Leon had vanished so suddenly. We were playing a facade game here, and we were both on our last straws. But I also knew how bad losing at this game felt, and I was determined to help him keep going for as long as possible. “Hey. Leon. How do you normally work out?”

“I— ah…” Leon rubbed his temples, trying to get his mind back on track. “Weights!” he finally got out. “And cardio and some HIIT. But mostly bodyweight stuff.”

I smiled. “See? Bodyweight is great, especially in our position. You’ll be back in shape in no time.”

One. Two. Three. Three seconds was all it took for him to tuck the memories of Charizard into the back of his mind. He had pressed his eyes shut, and when he opened them again, he was back to his normal, upbeat self.

He shot me an estimating glance and then put on a grin that I didn’t like. “I mean, I would be if somebody didn’t interrupt me.”

“Hey!” I picked up a small pebble and threw it in his direction. “Weren’t you the one who didn’t want to bring it up again?”

“I’ve changed my mind.” His smile grew steadier with every passing moment, and if his teasing was the price for it, then I’d gladly pay it. “So, girl-code, huh? What’s up with that?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you want to know? But you’re on the wrong team, sorry.” Just because I’d pay the price didn’t mean I couldn’t have my fun with it.

“Oh c’mon, what are we? Twelve?” Leon feigned annoyance, and I shrugged him off. If I had learned anything from Eevee, it was how to reject somebody with style. After a while, he relented. “So is it a rule that you get attention away from your friends?”

I shrugged. “If it’s unwanted, yeah.”

“But, like, aren’t you also working out?”

“Whoa!” I spun around, catching the idiot off guard. He stopped at the sight of my explosion.

“What? Did I say something wrong?” Leon looked genuinely innocent, but that wouldn’t save him this time.

“Has it ever occurred to you that not everything a woman does is in order to attract men? I like ballet and I want to improve my craft. And I don’t need men staring at me to feel validated.”

“Hey, that’s not what I said!” I stared him down. “I mean— but you work out a lot. Isn’t that at least part of what you want to get out of it? No, wait, that sounds wrong, too!”

I was close to a straight up face-palm, but if I reacted now, he’d stop squirming. And I wanted to savour every last bit of revenge for Sprout Tower I would get. But he couldn’t be that dense, could he?

After some more stumbling, I let him off the hook. “How many days a week are you at the gym?”

Leon, whose face had actually reddened under his tan, was quick to reply. “Three times in the off-season and twice a week during it. If I manage. Why?”

“You can’t tell me you’re spending that much time there and not enjoy the sport for itself.”

“Well, it’s a lot of boring counting.” He shrugged, but to my satisfaction, his complexion still hadn’t quite returned to normal. “To be honest, I enjoy working out with pokemon much more. But I don’t really get the toning I need out of that.”

I forced myself to be serious again. Leon was still somewhat timid and studied my expression meticulously. Saying nothing, I tried to encourage him to go on.

“See, I have to look good on TV. And there’s a whole lot of advertising and marketing going on. Even if I can run a marathon, that just doesn’t translate as well on a promotional shoot. So hitting the bench is the only— Why are you looking at me like this?”

For a moment I was quiet, searching for the right words. “Is this part of your contract?”

Leon smiled. “No, of course not. I think I should show you that contract some time. It’s not that—”

“How long are you aware of that then?”

“Huh?” I could tell that Leon was genuinely perplexed by my concerns. And that I sounded like my mum right now. But he gave my question some actual consideration. “I guess… since I was around 13, maybe 14?”

“This is so creepy.” I couldn’t even add something to that statement. My brain was busy processing all the implications that came with it.

Leon sighed. “I love my fans. They’re a good bunch.” His voice was a little deeper than usual. “I know not everyone is in it only for the battles. But the more eyes are on me, the better.”

“But doesn’t that make you sick?” It sure made me sick, listening to it.

Leon shrugged. “If they want to stare, I don’t mind. At least someone gets some enjoyment out of those boring routines. And at the end of the day, my rating depends on my performance in battles.”

He looked at me, and any teasing was completely gone. “I don’t get why you’re so upset. I mean, with ballet, when you’re competing, you get literally judged for your body. Isn’t that way creepier?”

I shook my head. “That’s different. It’s all about the skill and the technique of the dancer. If a judge would ever dare to remark on body types, the committee would fire them on the spot.” Ok, that wasn’t entirely true. There was a lot of gatekeeping going on, but that was different from what Leon had to endure.

Now it was his turn to look sceptical. “You can’t tell me that this—” He made one generalised gesture up and down my body. “Is not some sort of peer pressure going on. Can I— Are you calorie counting?”

“I— no, I’m not.” I closed my eyes as it hit me. Now a lot of things made sense. For example, why he was constantly offering me food or asking if I was cold. Darn, that was so sweet. And unasked for. In the end, he was also judging me only by my body type, without giving it a second consideration.

“You don’t have to worry, really. That’s a normal dancer physique and I like it. I can assure you that you can’t afford to starve yourself during training. But right now I’m only maintaining. I don’t need much in that phase.”

I looked up at him. The sincerity on his face was heart-warming. I had people asking me if I was anorexic before, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t take offence at his genuine concern.

“Also, I wasn’t upset over the unhealthy aspect of this,” I said. “Well, because of that as well, but—”

“If you think too much about it, you’ll go crazy,” he cut me short. “You have to focus on the positive stuff instead. And there’s plenty, believe me.” A shiver ran down my spine as he said that.

We walked a bit in silence. I hadn’t paid any attention to the road, but as long as that river was still next to us, we couldn’t be far off.

Leon seemed to be fully aware of the objectification he was experiencing. And he was in fact a grown-up. I had to believe that he could handle it responsibly. But it creeped me out to no end.

Back when our studio was undergoing some construction work, my dance class briefly practised in my school’s gym. There was this group of boys that lingered around there. They did nothing drastic, and I guessed they just liked the view of girls in leotards. But still. My performance in those two months plummeted. I hated even the thought of those looks.

“Hearing all of that, I think I don’t want to compete against you anymore,” I said after a while, breaking the silence again.

“Hm? Oh, I’ll do my best to keep your chances at winning low!” Leon smiled his brightest smile again, but soon realised that I was serious. He switched to a begging tone. “Come on, don’t do this to me. I’ve been looking forward to this match. We have to fight.”

When I wasn’t responding, he sighed. “Also, you can simply not defend the title if you want to. They’d be after you for a while, but it’d wash over. Plus, I don’t plan on letting you win, anyway.”

I exhaled, looking at the road ahead. The pines did no longer grant us their shadow in the midday sun, but its rays were getting weaker by the day. “Why do you defend the title then?”

Leon looked at me, confused, but then considered his answer. I was relieved I didn’t need to elaborate further. So far everything he had told me was on the spectrum between a mild inconvenience and a nightmare.

“Because I like being the Champ. And because it’s about the only thing I’m good at.” Leon was still in his thoughts. Now it was my turn to kick some of the bark-pieces from the ground against his leg. He looked up. “What? I’m not good at school, I’m way too jittery to concentrate on anything for long, but when I’m in the arena, everything… falls into place.”

He took a moment to think, and I looked again at the trail beneath my feet. My heart grew heavy. I’d just have to reach out to him. Why—

“Yeah, I think that about describes it,” Leon continued. “And I love my fans. Stupid as it sounds, I like being seen.” He fell quiet again, thinking about more reasons.

It took me an immense amount of willpower, but I extended my hand and bumped my fist into the sleeve of his jacket. I didn’t manage to look up, so I could only fathom his look of confusion when my touch broke his train of thoughts.

After a few seconds, he turned, and the fabric under my knuckles moved away. Instead, they were met with his, when Leon returned an insecure fist-bump. I closed my eyes.

«No, that’s not the right gesture.»

Another big heap of willpower and I closed my hand around his. One squeeze, very short, then I pulled back.

“You should try supersets,” was the only thing my stupid brain could fabricate. Almost mechanically, I walked on. “They are more up your lane than traditional weightlifting.”

«Stupid, stupid brain.»

Leon fell a few steps behind. He muttered a confused “Thanks” before he caught up again.

* * *​

For a few minutes we walked in silence, with me desperately searching for something — anything to get a normal conversation going. We should be near Union Cave by now, so maybe have Leon read the entry in our travel guide out loud again? He loved doing that.

In the end, my salvation came in an unexpected form. “So, what does the girl-code say on guys like Andrew?” Leon asked.

I looked up. That was a suspiciously specific thing to ask. He pointed with his chin ahead. And sure as daylight, there he was — a few hundred feet up ahead on the road, at the entrance to Union Cave.

I did the logical thing and made a quick sidestep. That way a slight bend in the road would put a sufficiently large fir between him and me.

“So, hiding. Not the bravest thing to do, eh?” Leon’s voice got its teasing undertone back while he stared at me, arms crossed.

“Oh, quit it. I don’t have the nerves to run into him now. Also, can you please move over? As soon as he sees you, he knows I’m—” A strange cry, distorted from echoing through the cave and the forests, cut me off. Its melody lingered on for a while, and when it started to fade, it did so with grace and conviction. “What was that?”

Leon had taken a few steps back to better locate its origin. He listened to the echo for a bit longer, then turned back to me and shrugged. Whatever this strange sound was, he had decided it was no threat. “Wanna find out?” He made a few steps towards the towering mountain but stopped when I didn’t move along.

“Is he gone yet?” I asked.

Leon actually took the time to check, then sighed. “No. And I’ll guess he’ll stay there for a while.” He was right. Andrew had been ordered here to check on these sounds, but I had hoped he would be gone by the time we got here. I hadn’t stalled a day for nothing after all.

Leon crossed his arms again. “He’s just a bit awkward. Come on, we’ll say hi to him and that’s it. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“Awkward? That’s one way to put it.” I tried to read him, but to no avail.

By now I couldn’t tell anymore what things Leon had noticed and just ignored and what things actually went over his head. Which — I had to give him that — was a pretty solid way to throw people off. Or if that naivety was actually part of his personality or a defence mechanism, born from years of having to deal with people who didn’t have his best interest in mind.

“Hannah.” Leon’s tone was this soft coo he always used when trying to coax Furret to do a new trick. Embarrassed, I realised I must have stared blankly at him for quite a while. I shook my head to get my brain back to work.

“Look, you might not have picked up on it, but some of his remarks really didn’t sit right with me.”

Leon cocked his head and I could see the gears starting to turn. And again I couldn’t tell what he was thinking about. “Want me to be your anti-wingman?”

“My what?” Out of all things, I didn’t expect that.

“Trust me, I can handle situations like these. Five minutes of small-talk and it’s over. And now come on!”

He made an inviting gesture, and with a grumbled “Fine” I relented.

Another one of those cries echoed from the cave. I had never heard such a sound before. Was that a pokemon?

Union Cave was one of the most diverse ecosystems in Johto. To protect the cave from hikers getting lost, the park rangers had turned the most travelled path into a wide tunnel. Whatever laid beyond the secured walls was a mystery. So this could very well be a pokemon.

Leon waited until the melody had faded, then picked up on the topic again. “You’re really bad at dealing with attention, are you?”

I sighed. How was I supposed to explain this to him? Andrew hadn’t seen us yet and was writing something in a notebook. He was different from the guys back at home. For starters, he was athletic and well put together. But still…

“That’s not what this is about,” I said after a while of staring at the ground beneath my feet. “I don’t have stage-fright, not at all. In fact, I can perform excellently under pressure. But… Ok, we can both agree that I take more after my father, right? Those are his hair, eyes and cheekbones. Only thing I have from my mum’s side is my eye-colour and that’s not immediately apparent.”

Leon nodded. He had his hands in his pockets and looked completely relaxed watching me. To him, those were simply facts. If I told him the sky was blue today, he probably would have had the same reaction.

“So, many people — especially men — look at me and immediately think that I’m this meek, cute, stay-at-home ideal of a Kantonian housewife. Which is an insult to all Kantonian housewives — take my auntie’s word for that. And then they act like it’s my fault I don’t meet their expectations when I finally tell them to leave me alone.” The image of one particular guy from the year below me came back to mind. “Bonus points if they think that I’d be grateful to have such a nice Galarian guy by my side.”

Leon nodded again. He didn’t seem to mind me venting. In fact, I didn’t mind either. It felt good to talk to another non-Galarian about this. I didn’t know how big of a role his ethnicity had played in his life, but it wasn’t nothing. It never was.

“See, my friends never had that issue. It’s only me who always has to convince a guy that I’m not this paint-by-numbers picture. And sometimes — like with Andrew —, I don’t have the energy for it.” I sighed and turned back to studying the needle covered trail.

This was stupid. Why would I give up here? I had done this so many times before already; it was almost routine. I shouldn’t even feel drained putting up with it.

Something bumped into my arm. I looked up and saw Leon’s outstretched fist.

“Good thing you got me then, right?” he said. “I’ve been told that I’ve got more energy than a runaway chain reaction, so that shouldn’t be an issue. Now let’s take this fellow on!”

I returned his fist-bump and his smile grew even brighter. Having a radiating source of confidence next to one might be taxing in the long run, yes, but right now, that portable sun charged my batteries faster than anything I could have told myself.

“Hey, Andrew!” Leon ran off. I hadn’t even realised that we had stopped. Were all social interactions like pokemon battles to him?

I took a deep breath and braced myself. Five minutes of banter, and if everything went according to plan, I’d never see Andrew again. Couldn’t be that bad. Deep breath in. Count to ten.

The two men were chatting away about the caves when I caught up to them.

“Hey, Hana,” Andrew said.

“Hey.” My voice was icy. He looked me up and down. By now I was sure he didn’t do this on purpose, but that didn’t make things any better.

Under different circumstances I would have called him handsome, with his blonde hair, lanky frame, and his charming Unovan accent. He had, however, a habit of avoiding eye-contact that took away much from this impression.

“So anyway, have you found out what makes these noises already?” Leon asked.

It took a moment for Andrew to come back to reality. “Ah, no, not yet. But Robert should be here in a few hours. Then it’s up to him to find out.”

Leon shrugged. “Sounds great. Though if I were you, I wouldn’t miss out on that.” No reaction. “You staying here in Union-Seaside for the rest of the year?”

“Yes. And what about you? Are you really leaving?” By now, Andrew wasn’t talking to Leon anymore. He took half a step in my direction and instinctively, I moved back. “Because I can show you the—”

Leon, seemingly oblivious to what was going on, nodded and cut him off in the most irreproachable way I had ever seen. “Yeah, this park is nice and all, but I can’t wait to sleep in a normal bed again. If we keep at it, we’ll actually reach Azalea today, right?”

He looked at me. Taken completely by surprise, I could only stammer a weak “Aha.”

Leon shot me a quick, non-verbal warning and then put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “Yeah, I’d be lost without you. Come on, let’s go before the singing starts again. I don’t want to be in that echo-chamber then.” He turned to the other guy, smiling brightly. “Andrew, we’ll see you around. Oh, and tell Robert we said hi.”

With that, he turned around and dragged me with him, leaving Andrew at the tunnel entrance. A faint wailing came from within the cave as we entered the tunnel.

“See, wasn’t that bad, was it? No, don’t look at him just yet!” Leon was still holding on to me, but I could tell that he was as uncomfortable as I was.

“Hey, Leon!” Andrew’s voice now forced both of us to turn around. “I challenge you to a fight.”

What?

“Are you sure about that?” Leon was calm, but his arm around my shoulders tightened when I tried to wriggle out of it and he straightened up. “If you get me to fight, I won’t hold back and I don’t want to leave you here with an unconscious team.”

Oh god. How did I get caught up between way too much testosterone again?

“As if that’s ever going to happen, you arrogant son of—”

“Leon, let me go.” I shoved his arm to the side and positioned myself between the two men.

I had either got myself now two white knights or Andrew had unknowingly challenged one of the most competitive persons on the planet. Either way, I had to stop this charade before the word ‘princess’ would be uttered. Otherwise, I couldn’t guarantee anyone's personal safety any longer.

“Are you even realising how stupid you make yourselves look? Leon, if anyone here is taking you on, then it’s me. And Andrew, do you think I don’t see what’s going on here? I should probably have made myself clearer the past days, but please leave me alone.”

Ok, that was good. Now I only needed to exit the stage with style. But that was harder than imagined. Especially when Andrew looked like I had shattered his heart while he was simultaneously choking on his tongue.

I sighed and tried to go for a conciliatory tone. “Andrew, I accept your challenge, how about that? One on one?”

He looked at me, and for a moment there was confusion on his face. I crossed my arms, but I couldn’t bring myself to loathe him as much anymore. After all, I wouldn’t want to be in his position without an option to save my face. But why did that idiot take so long to decide? Why was it even my job to make him feel better in the first place?

Finally, he looked up. “Why would I want to fight you, Hana? You’re a nice girl and—”

“Look, Andrew. I don’t need to be saved. And if you need me to prove that, I’ll show you.” In the end, it would always be me proving myself to other people. The thought that I could rely on my team to help me here was actually a comforting one.

Andrew nodded. This wasn’t the duel he had hoped for, but it was something. And we were trainers after all.

I shot Leon a quick glance. He had made himself comfortable leaning against the tunnel’s walls and was most likely having the time of his day.

I went over my options. There was one member of my team that understood my situation just too well. Andrew sent out a Marowak that looked as insecure as its trainer.

Out of a flash of red light materialised Eevee. She was stressed out by the last days and was itching to get that aggression somewhere, even though she hid it almost perfectly.

“Ok, buddy, Bone Rush her. But be careful and don’t go too hard,” Andrew said and Marowak broke into action. They were a well attuned team, whereas Eevee and I had never fought an official battle before.

“Eevee, dodge for now.” I needed to see what the Marowak was capable of.

It was quick, but Eevee was quicker, evading the bone hammer with ease and a distinct spitefulness. She was a glass-cannon of sorts, that much I knew about her. Which only left me with a few opportunities to engage her.

It took exactly five missed strikes for me to see an opening and two more for Andrew to get nervous. This was what I had waited for. I let him open his mouth and raise his voice enough so his pokemon caught on, then I gave Eevee the command.

“Quick Attack to its left side!”

Her hit landed, albeit on the wrong side, where it wouldn’t cause as much damage.

«Shoot.»

We had never practised that before, so no wonder she couldn’t figure it out in the heat of the moment. But now she was with her back to a dangerous foe, who's attacking arm had not been injured as planned.

Marowak raised its bone hammer already and Eevee wasn’t even on the ground. If only I knew a bit better what she was capable of.

Before I could think of a way to get her out of the danger zone, she pirouetted around and pounced at her foe again. That movement. It was controlled and precise.

A Scratch finished Marowak off before it even knew what hit it. Eevee landed with her trademark grace, shook herself a bit to get her fur in order and flipped her nose up.

I was so proud of her. A smile came across my lips as I watched those fifteen inches of pure arrogance. That pirouette wasn’t a move that came naturally to Eevees. She had copied it — from my practices.

“Well done, you two! That was a finisher if I’ve ever seen one.” Leon’s voice was as cheerful as ever. “And, Andrew, Marowak really has its technique down and that says a lot about its trainer.”

This praise coaxed a smile on Andrew’s face while he comforted his pokemon. The tension was finally resolved, and my shoulders relaxed a little. Maybe Leon’s approach to social encounters was pretty solid after all. Especially when taken literally.

I looked up when he cleared his throat. Leon gave me an unmistakable nod towards Andrew. Right. There was still something left to do.

I took a few steps towards my opponent and extended my hand. “Well fought.”

Andrew got up, hesitating to return my gesture for a moment. When he finally shook my hand, he managed to meet my eyes for the first time in a while. There was even a little smile in there.

Although I was apprehensive, I got the feeling that he did not harbour any ulterior motives at this moment. He had acknowledged that I’d beaten him fair and square, and I had to pay him respect for how well he took it. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

* * *​

We quickly left the scene before things would become awkward again. After we were out of earshot, I turned to Leon, who was now at a noticeable distance from me.

“Sorry for dragging you into this. I should have done that all the way back at the outpost.”

Leon replied with a smile. “Again with the excuses? No problem. Oh, and because I’ve noticed you getting nervous there: I can settle things without fighting. Just so you know.”

“You noticed that?” I took half a step to get our normal proximity back and to get a closer look at him.

“Course.” Leon’s innocent smile lit up the darkened tunnel.

I shook my head. “I don’t get you sometimes.”

The exit to the Union Tunnel drew closer. Even though the sky outside was overcast, the little light let the end of the tunnel shine brightly.

“What’s so difficult to understand there?”

Leon had stopped. I went a few more steps ahead, then turned around. His tone had been perfectly curious, but now that I looked at him, I could tell he knew exactly what he was doing. His eyes weren’t as bright as usual; instead, they had a calculating, watchful edge. His smile was steady and confident. It was the same expression he had whenever he opened a match. He was on top of his game.

Now it was my time to grin. I sent him a wink as I stepped outside and onto the mountain path leading straight down to Azalea.

My playful demeanour soon changed, however, when something icy swept my cheeks. Leon’s expression followed suit immediately.

“Is this snow?”

 

[Umbramatic]

Here for Catnip!

This is an intresting premise- the events of SwSh getting horriibly derailed and sending Leon and our Gloria substitute yeeted to somewhere else entirely is certainly a good catalyst for adventure, shipping, and angst - a good combo if I say so myself. Though it seems both are without their Pokemon - I hope they're OK. As is Hop.

I loie your descriptions a lot, they're vivid and nice. I also like the focus on Hana and Leon just trying to Deal with everythiong that's happened, trying to process it and all. It's pretty convincing.

Also cute Rotom and Sentret aaaaaaaaaaaa I lover them.

But very intriguing and cool setup! Hope to loop back around to it soon amd find out more about what's going on.

 

[bluesidra]

Chapter 22: The Last Seconds of Summer​

October 19th 1993, 11am.

“In fact! It’s snowing. We had a perfectly fine autumn day on the other side, right? Or was I hallucinating?” Leon stood next to me, about as confused as I.

“No, you weren’t.” I looked at the faint layer of snow that had formed over the still green grass. Ten minutes of snowfall at most, I estimated.

We exchanged a glance. Maybe we had at one point crossed the meteorologists’ union.

On the other side of the Union Cave, a valley stretched itself peacefully between the sharp, ragged mountains. A forest, lush and healthy, covered every square inch and extended itself up to the horizon far away, where even the mountains ebbed out into hills.

Just as I got over my surprise, another one of those melodic cries echoed out from deep within the cave. Leon sent me a knowing gaze that begged for attention. When the noise faded, I finally gave in. “Okay, so what is that?”

“That’s a young Lapras family. And I’ll bet a baby will join in on the singing soon.”

I sent him a smile, if only to give him the validation he clearly wanted and deserved. “But… if you know that, aren’t you kind of a jerk for not telling Andrew?”

Leon chuckled. “Oh no, I’m not telling the people here anything any more. As far as I'm concerned, they might still think baby Lapras fall from the sky.”

I took a deep breath in and shook my head, smiling. It was really time for us to get back home. I let my gaze wander over the valley. If we pushed ourselves, we could make it to Azalea today. And with that, we would be one step closer to actually getting back. Or at least that’s what I hoped.

“Come on, let’s go.”

* * *​

The path leading down to the town was steep and narrow, cutting between two mountainsides. The freshly fallen snow mixed in with the older, rotting leaves on the ground and made keeping one’s grip difficult.

“Hey, Hannah, I have a question.” I gave a hummed permission while I consciously set one foot in front of the other. “Were you nervous back there?”

“When Andrew and I were having our battle? No.” There was gravel underneath the leaves here, making it somewhat easier for my trekking shoes to hold on to.

“Did me watching make you nervous?”

“No, why?” I turned half around to see what he was up to, but then realised that keeping my eyes on the trail was more important. A few jumps from behind me and Leon was next to me, holding onto trees while he balanced himself on the earthen bulge next to the beaten path.

“Can I give you some advice?” Now I had to stop to look at him. His expression was serious, genuine, and caring at the same time. I nodded.

“See, whenever you battle, you are almost like a statue. Your face completely falls. I’ve watched you. I think you didn’t move one muscle during the whole encounter.”

I looked at him, confused. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Well, not necessarily.” Hop had teased me about this before, but Leon was pretty serious. “It makes you unreadable, but also kind of boring. You’re so removed from it, like there’s nothing for you at stake. And your pokemon will pick up on that.”

I shrugged.

Leon continued while we resumed a slow walking pace. He was still balancing himself through the under-brush to remain on my level. “At first I jugged it up to you being like that. But now I know you can be very emotional if you want to.” He sent me a long, analysing gaze. “You’re holding yourself back and I don’t know why.”

The path got wider at last and I moved over to make some room for him, but he remained in his position at a comfortable distance from me.

Looking back at the road, I finally found some words. “I like it that way. And I think me and my team are performing just fine.”

“You don’t need to defend yourself right now. Just think about it, okay?” His voice was empathic. I nodded. Leon gave me a quick smile, then jumped a few steps ahead and back onto the trail.

Hop had said the same thing a while ago, but I had shrugged him off. To an outsider it of course must have looked funny when Hop and I were having our training battles. Hop was always so full of energy, with his team on every move and generally, well, being Hop. I, on the other hand…

But there was a reason I came out on top of those fights more often than not. And the fights I lost were the ones where I relaxed and both Hop and I were in it for the ride. So I didn’t understand what Leon’s concern was. My team needed my performance to be as on point as my pokemon’s.

Of course, I knew how one’s emotional state reflected onto the battlefield. I had used and abused that fact so many times now, with Andrew being the latest victim. It was a pretty cheap method. As soon as the trainer got thrown off a bit, their pokemon would grow nervous. And because it was so cheap, I had to pay extra attention so it wouldn’t happen to me. And that was only one of the many reasons to keep emotions out of a fight.

If Leon and I were to ever face off against each other, his energy would clash against my inertia like a spring tide against a cement wall.

But deep down, I knew that all those arguments were not the true reason I could never allow myself to get too engaged in a fight. I swallowed those feelings of embarrassment and anxiety down. No, as long as I was a competitor in the finals, there was no—

A backpack to the face abruptly ended my tread.

“Why did you stop?” I grumbled, rubbing my nose.

“Oh, sorry!” Leon turned around, about as spooked as I was, and apologised profusely. “I was just— never mind. Let’s go.”

* * *​

We walked on in silence. Here in the mountains, dusk settled in earlier than in the lowlands around Violet. The towering peaks surrounding us already cast their shadows over the valley. Down below, the first lights of a small settlement broke through the darkening forest.

“Hey, Hannah, can we play a game? The winner gets to lead the way.” Leon sounded like his usual upbeat self again.

“No.” I overtook him on the trail when he stopped to send me a puppy-eyed look. I had very much caught on to the tremble in his voice.

“Please? You get to pick what we play.” Now the begging was obvious.

I turned around and looked up at him. He didn’t even hide his desperation any longer, and I was too tired to fake assurance. Instead, I sighed and extended my hand, like I’ve done so many times before. “Come on.”

He looked to a spot behind me, down in the valley, and then back at me again. “Come tomorrow and there’s a good chance I might not be the same anymore.”

He was right. And there wasn’t anything I could say or do. This was the last time we could play pretend. I nudged my hand again in his direction.

He took two steps towards me. Holding his gaze felt like an insurmountable effort now, for the both of us. The words were there, ready to be said, but whatever they were, Leon held them back. Even though they threatened to tear him apart.

I put my hand down. “Hey.” My voice was a mere whisper that the early evening wind carried to him.

He pressed his eyes shut. “I know I can be the worst travel companion out there. Thanks for getting me here.”

I had to smile as the memory of a certain day on the beach lit up in my mind. “You’re more than welcome. Thanks for asking me.”

Another two steps. Leon’s voice would have been inaudible if it wasn’t for him being within arm’s reach now. “And… thanks for putting up with me.”

This time it took almost no effort when I bumped my fist against his chest.

Leon looked down for a while until his last reluctance was washed away under the strain of forced composure.

When he hugged me tight, I instinctively straightened. I wasn’t a cuddly person. People were best if kept at a distance. But this was not a cordial embrace. This was a drowning man clinging on to the last parts of a wreck. A man that neither Leon nor I knew.

Carefully, I placed one hand on his back. Shivers surged through his entire chest. I knew them and how hard they were to contain. For me, they always started in my palms. I ran my hand up and down along his spine until the trembling finally subsided.

When it was over, Leon slightly repositioned himself. He still pressed his head against my shoulder, but this time so he could talk. “Can you come with me tomorrow?”

“Yes.” I patted his back before I gently pushed him away. Leon complied. I didn’t need to look up to know how close to tears he was.

«Come, let’s go.» The words were already on my lips, but I needed one more moment to get my voice back under control. My fist was still pressed against his chest. If I’d take it away now, my hand would be shaking.

 

[Sinderella]

Hi blue! Here for Catnip, albeit very late (I am sorry pls donut h8)

Anyway, I was VERY excited to roll this! I was planning to hit you up for a review exchange but I’m happy to get a head start on reading either way—dis been on my list but I’m damn lazy. But, I got through up to chapter 3, so I’m on my waaaaay.

SO! Off to a rollicking good start! Love that we immediately just launch in to Hana and Leon getting shot through time and space. I reeeeeaalllyyyyy liked chapter one, mostly because I know what’s happening here, and I was sitting there waiting for them to realize that they’d just been shot back in time. I’m kind of glad they don’t find out until chapter three, because the subtle nuances that something was off was great. I loved the bit about Rotom saying it can’t pick up a signal. That was a HUGE ominous monkaS moment that hit hard.

So far I’m liking the characterizations, even only three chapters in. This is the first fic I’ve read with Leon in it and while I’ve seen everything about him you’ve posted in discord, it’s cool to get to start seeing it in action. From what I remember, the games portrayed him as kind of a heroic, friendly, and kind of airheaded person—I see it here, but we’ve also got some depth happening, with the way he snapped at Hana, the way he kinda keeps losing it under stress. He has a lot on his mind, huh? I feel bad for him but also, uh, angst. So, keep it coming.

Hana seems neat too! I really like her constant breathing exercises being a sort of pattern throughout chapter one. That made chapter two a lot neater to read, with how it was mentioned that she’s so levelheaded. God her and Odette are a lot a like I’m obsessed.

I’m starting to raise some questions. I really want to know what happened before Hana and Leon were sucked into the void, because I have a sneaking sus that something bad happened—not like what happened in the games where Chairman Flower Power revealed he was the dickhead all along and summoned the rib cage mon, but something else. Maybe involving Hop, I’m guessing? Hana seems worried about him, and he has her mon…

All in all, I’m excited for this story. Can’t wait to uncover this madness!

Spoiler: Chapters 1-3 Line by Lines

Chapter 1-3 Line by Lines

Everything went by so fast. Eternatus’ unending body raced upwards, squirming as it was devoured by this abyss of light.

And so did I.

A hand was holding me tight. But even this hand couldn’t protect me from the gravity, magnified tenfold here in this space between dimensions. Its force was all-consuming. It had already erased any and all sounds and now even threatened to pull in the light that seeped out of the cracks in reality.

Like I said, opening with a BANG. Wow. Again, I wonder what happened leading up to this?

Why did he have to go back? He had almost made it to safety. Why?

????? I have QUESTIONS WOW

Hop would have me if I left him here.

I love how you throw around British sayings like this and tellie, makes it feel real LOL

I pressed the on-button and was relieved to see at least a few screen-cells flicker. My relief was short-lived, however, because the next thing I saw was Rotom’s scared face as it tried to get out of the device.

OHHHH I LOVE SEEING ROTOMPHONE INTERPRETATIONS YAAASSS

I fell over backwards into the grass and now the sores on my chest screamed at me, but I held a shaking Rotom in my arms. Its body, covered in ectoplasm, felt weirdly cold and gave me slight shocks as it pressed against my chest.

“What was that?!” Rotom’s own voice was even higher than what I usually heard through the speakers.

Bro I was quaking here, I thought she wasn’t gonna get him out in time lol. Thank god. Also what the HELL happened to the phone.

“I can’t pick up any mobile signal here.”

MONKAS

Hey Hana! Sorry, I didn’t mean to go out that far,” he said, giving me an apologetic smile

RIIIIIIIIIGHT

Leon spun around with an intensity that made me jump half a step back. “Yes I am!” he screamed, his golden eyes glinting dangerously.

Oh snappy Leon? Stressed out Leon? Keep it coming.

I gasped. In Leon’s outstretched hand was a pokeball, often used and now turned solid grey, petrified like my phone.

OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY’RE FUCKING DEAD.

Then I ran in the direction he went.

I have a feeling that Leon running off is gonna be a theme here.

You don’t have to apologise to me,” he said, holding the cape up with his wounded arm, again motioning me to sit next to him. I recognised his blatant attempt at blackmailing, but gave in.

Blackmailing? I wasn’t sure how this was blackmailing. Maybe he was more trying to guilt her?

No, it’s not,” Leon sighed. His voice sounded exhausted yet stern. “I messed up, I really did. As Champ and… and, well, as Leon. That’s all there is to it.” He turned his head, looking me straight in the eyes. “I hope you can accept my apology. I’ll make sure it never happens again.”

This makes me think some other big shit happened while Eternatus was shitting on everything.

I’ve left them with Hop, before you… you know.” Silence.

YOU KNOW WHAT

And what is the next step?” My smile vanished the second I heard the desperation in his voice. “There are, like, so many things to do now. Do something about my team. Find out what’s going on in Hammerlocke. Seal Eternatus back to where it came from. Make sure everyone’s safe. Y’know? Champ stuff. And I don’t even know where to start. Or how to get there, for that matter.” He sighed. “Normally I just go somewhere and things sort themselves out. But now? I am completely lost.”

Don’t tell Leon but I think he needs a therapist

Now that my leg warmers

Hey there dancing queen!

I shook my head. “Never…” I gave it a closer glance. It carried something in its paws. A shred of paper? “Wait, yes! You were unconscious. I think it tried to steal something”

Marked this because didn’t the prose refer to it as a Skwovet previously?

Challenger No. 634 – Hanako

Originally from Kanto, her family moved to Postwick just a few years ago. Nonetheless, she considers herself a true Galarian. With her fairy-type team based around her Whimsicott, she took the Gym Challenge in stride. Victorious in the finals of the Champion Cup, she now anticipates the ultimate showdown in the match for Galar’s Championship.

Hanako is known to be a level-headed trainer, always in control of her emotions. Though her journeys with her rival Hop had made her more open and outgoing, she is still quite camera-shy. Rumours say she used to be a competitive dancer, but lately she’s mostly seen working at her mother’s gardening shop.

Printed: August 12th 2019

Short chapter but I loved this exposition. ALSO HEEEYYY COMPETITIVE DANCER.

He sighed. This was the Champion Cup card, freshly printed in anticipation for Leon’s and Hanako’s match. Under other circumstances, his daughter, self-declared leader of team Hanako would be overjoyed. But so far, they still hadn’t recovered either of the competitors.

Hana’s dad I think? Got a little confused as to who’s POV this was meant to be.

Only when she finally put the pokeballs into her healing station and switched it on, he agreed to follow her to the back room where she could take a look at his arm.

So Nurse Joy is also a human physician in this world? Good for her, multifaceted queen.

Now it hit me! This might be a soccer broadcast, but every single word on screen was in Kantonian. They even pointed out how this was a rare full-length rerun of the Galarian Football League finals. I took a step back and looked at the store-front. My concern grew into immeasurable dimensions.

Oh SHIT they’re in fucking Kanto YIKES

The finals should never be a rare rerun,”

Wasn’t sure what this meant but I might just be stupid

“Miss, the year is 1993. According to your card, you aren’t born for another nine years

Alexa, play Roundabout by Yes

 

[SparklingEspeon]

The first chapter was a very somber, somewhat morbid mood! In light of that, I decided to draw the moodiest scene in the chapter IMO. Thanks for the read!

 

[canisaries]

Hey! Here for Catnip, read the first chapter. Here are my thoughts.

Everything went by so fast. Eternatus’ unending body raced upwards, squirming as it was devoured by this abyss of light.

And so did I.

This beginning scene was pretty confusing to me. I understand that it's probably partway intentional with how otherworldly the events happening are, but a lot of it for me was due to stuff being hard to parse, like here and with the next quote. The "so did I" takes a while to connect to the racing upwards part (which I'm assuming it's referring to) when we have both the mention of squirming and being devoured by the abyss of light afterwards.

And then I collided with its centre. I could feel every bone, every muscle, every cell of my body scream when the force suddenly reversed – and then vanished.

It also took me a while to get what "it" refers to here (the center of the gravity, I think?).

Even though the wave of panic subsided at the count of seven,

cant relate

‘I am so sorry,’ was the first thought shooting through my head, but Leon’s shaking anger had me fall silent. I watched him press the ball’s middle button over and over again, to no avail. Finally, he clenched his hand around it until his knuckles appeared white under his bronze skin.

This is nitpicking, but I feel like you wouldn't be able to press the button anymore if the thing's all stone? Not without horrible screeching, anyway.

Also regarding the petrification: I don't know how much of this is bias from having read that later chapter where it's confirmed the pokeballs are unsalvageable, but the thought of recovering them already seems as impossible as un-burning a piece of paper. I understand Leon's denial at this, but I expected Hana to be more certain about it being a lost cause and perhaps have hangups about suggesting someone could do something about it. But you may also have a take on pokeballs being based on some mechanism where petrification is not a clear death sentence, I can't be sure.

His golden eyes still had their glow, but his radiance was missing.

As radiance is basically glow, I'm not sure how to take this.

“Thanks.” He struggled to unfold the bulky thing with one hand, and the sudden activity seemed to have broken his apathy. I was relieved to see some energy coming back into him. After all, that was the Leon I knew from back when Hop and I used to have our re-watch marathons of his brother’s old matches.

The comparison to how Hana saw Leon when she was only watching him on TV is a clever way to flesh out three characters in one line, but I think it could have been phrased more clearly because I only understood it correctly on like the fifth reread. I kept reading it as Leon being present when they watched those matches as without that the reference to him is very indirect and takes this pit stop at Hana and Hop before actually making it to Leon. Likening him to his past recorded self directly first and then mentioning how Han and Hop used to watch him would make parsing a lot easier in my opinion.

“Wait, yes! You were unconscious. I think it tried to steal something”

Missing punctuation at the end of this quote.

It was strange. Leon and I were Galar’s two most powerful trainers. But, as we were currently without our teams, we were just regular people.

This phrasing has a nasty tone to it that you probably didn't intend - it sounds like they think of themselves as better than "regular people".

It braced its powerful tail against my body to get closer to the highly valued detritus,

This may just be me since I didn't even know detritus could refer to any kind of waste or debris, but since I was used to detritus referring to the biological kind and the scene took place in a forest (where there is lots of that), I had to do a double take there. In general, "detritus" does also feel like an unnecessarily obscure a word to use in this context, so I would suggest just changing it to "piece of trash" or something equivalent for simplicity.

---

General Thoughts

My most prevalent thought after reading is that me not knowing the canon version of the characters or the plot of SwSh definitely detracted from the reading experience. As it seems like the story is written with the assumption that the reader knows a solid enough amount about SwSh, my critique as an outsider should be taken with a grain of salt (and you may want to consider requiring SwSh knowledge in Catnip if you feel like this misses the mark by a lot).

Mainly the biggest problem I had was a disconnect to the characters as I didn't have their backgrounds outside the very shallow "Leon is the Champion and Hana is the protagonist" and then a little more when asking afterwards. I feel like I would have needed to experience the game to get enough of a connection to the characters and be engaged in their plight, since here I felt mostly like an outsider.

Leon is characterized pretty strongly and fast here as rather childlike, so I did get his personality during this chapter (even if I didn't like him due to personal preference). Hana is kind of left hanging, though. Her perspective seems to subside when interacting with Leon, which is a large part of the chapter, and we really don't learn much about her outside her trick of breathing - and with her hopeful remark about the Darkest Day towards the end, I felt like there should have been more of Hana worrying about the Darkest Day before to make it have more impact. You do list her as an OC, so there must be significant differences to Gloria, but it just doesn't come through in this chapter.

Anyway, beyond this, I couldn't really think of much more to say for feedback. Excluding the couple spots I pointed out where parsing was harder, the prose and dialogue are solid, and some pieces of description specifically caught my eye in a positive way ("The rain had turned the moss into slippery sponges and the canopy of trees into a torn umbrella, regularly showering me in cold rain water while my shoes struggled to keep their grip" as one example). I was also glad that the chapter ended on a hopeful note, as hope is still necessary to keep the audience from going apathetic in the face of so much gloom.

I'm sorry that this review ended up so negative, but I think it is largely due to just not being in the intended demographic. If you have any questions, you can DM me on Discord and we can talk. See you around.

 

[kibigo]

fiiiiiinallly finished this so i’m just going to give you my Thoughts So Far in one go :—

👥 Characters​

Good; I think characters are one of your strong points 😊. I think I’ve heard you say before that you worry it comes across imbalanced, because you are more devoted as a writer to Leon than Hana? It definitely didn’t feel that way to me; I think you give them both good coverage, and maybe the first‐person perspective helps there. (I like Hana a lot, anyway.)

One thing you seem pretty strong at is giving characters good reasons for being the way they are. Oftentimes in fics with a lot of sadness/upset, it comes off feeling kind of weak or unjustified, like there’s no point in the story constantly dwelling on it? But not here! When Hana or Leon are upset it always feels like there’s a good reason behind it, and it never takes me out of the story.

For a fic which is so focused on its human characters, you do a really good job of giving the various pokémon unique personalities and I greatly appreciate them all. Sometimes it feels like Hana and Leon don’t appreciate them enough, and I’d like Leon to get some dang pokémon of his own! But I have a feeling that the relationships between the trainer characters and their pokémon is something which will develop over the course of the fic.

📈 Plot​

You do a good job with the time‐travel concept; I feel like it is a difficult thing to sell to readers and you’ve done a fine job of making it both interesting and feel justified. Especially the way you use Hana and Leon’s future knowledge to worldbuild and offer commentary on the past: That’s not something you could do if they weren’t time travellers, obviously, and it does a good job of making that aspect of the story feel necessary and important.

You are very good at using your plot/scenario to expose existing tensions between characters or force them into situations of personal reflection… maybe even development?? (🤞🏻.)

There are times when it felt like your pacing was a bit fast, which as a writer I completely understand, and also from a “we’re 26 chapters in and we still haven’t hit our first big turning point?!” perspective. I totally get wanting to move things along. (I have the opposite problem, and am lucky if I can spend fewer than four chapters on a single day.) I think you’re very good at prioritizing what scenes you choose to cover; at the same time, when every chapter is directly advancing the plot it sometimes feels like you could give the story a little more room to breathe.

---

Anyway in sum I think you have a very solid start so far. Morty and Hana’s dynamic intrigues me; I feel like we’ve only caught bits and pieces of it so far, and I’m interested in seeing how it develops. I can’t wait for Leon to get taken down a few pegs lol. I know you’ve said the story gets a lot more tense from here on out, but I think you’ve done a good job of establishing why the things which will break are things which need to be broken. Hopefully they can learn how to put them back together in a way which is healthier/better in the long run ☺️.