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Welcome to our yearly Review Blitz! Visit the Companion app to log reviews or view the leaderboard. Week Four's theme is Spread the Love: review a story that's received two or fewer reviews so far this Blitz. Check this list for eligibility information. Blitz ends 23:59:59 UTC January 18th--make sure to get your final reviews in soon!
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Pokémon Pokémon Rebirth
- Thread starter Axihdio
- Start date
Also Daisuke and Kakuro were so focused on getting rid of Sorre that they forgot about not using their abilites.
K_S
Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
- Partners
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Hi, missed you during newbie week, so I thought I'd just swing in and say hi with a review anyway.
Hope you don't mind.
We are precise today. For a second, I thought the house was literally diagonal, it took a second read to realize we were treating architecture as a chessboard setup.
I know Kanto's Japan (basically), but I always hear a southern twang in ma'. Wonder if it's just me. Also, this is a script fic? Interesting...
Had to look up Katsu sandwiches, still mildly confused despite Wiki trying to help. More at 10...
Tips head... so when jen's talking, she's using the contraction lil aka little. But to show it is a contraction (unless Diasuke has the cruelest middle name ever, and we don't know that as readers). You'll need to put one of these fellows in ', this symbol ' tells the reader that there's letters missing, or even conjoined words at work
ex:
can't = can not
shouldn't = should not
don't = do not
or perhaps a drunken "donut" that last might be a push, but you get the idea
also, reading it out loud I dropped the "then where we're at" and it sounds much more like conversation, I'd rec dropping it....
as in bail bail. or as in save him from a swirly level of bail?
I'm wondering why he's going to the new school, and why is he thinking it's going to be crawling with wanna be rocket mobsters/biker class trailers...
Julie sounds a bit... like a flight attendant...
Why not say "Daisuke, we're almost there. You got your stuff ready?/Get your stuff read"
I think a good read out loud (ironic that I'm suggesting it, I know) would help out scalds with the families back and forth...
Snorts. I mean, I guess it's an option. It's not like the names Geo-dued (rock guy, or literally a geod, which is a rock) are ablaze with creativity. I mean, most mon names are puns when you look at them carefully anyway... so why not being another batch of kids into the world with awkward first names to make their growing up a nightmare?
So there's a lot of duplication here, two schools in the same line. two students words apart, ditto for assembly (hall), that ones three times in10 words... I don't know if you're interested in diversifying, but it caught my attention.
I was wondering how old the kid was. Fourteen answers that nicely enough.
Beyblade is a thing here? Wonder if we'll get a chance to see a match...
Snorts I'm guessing this is going to be a bullying squad. sighs...
Called it, and sighs again. Basic reading is nerd shit? How do these people manage to pass class?
Says the guy who studies battling mon...
Um how... what? tips head. I guess he's a psychic or has sleep powder pellets in his back pocket?
Sighs... yeah, ew, let's not go there, brain..
And he's got psychic enemies with laser powers and bombastic personalities... snorts... this small bad probably failed ninja 101 or something...
I mean, rabid ryhorn, definitely shouldn't have come here. Now this guy passed ninja 101 as a rock type, and no one saw is coming. Including Mr. Mystery silhouette with laser powers.
How did Daisuke not see anything about his assailent though?
What is his father, Groudon?
Can you explain this yare yare thing to me please?
This was an interesting start to something that could be very big. Thanks for sharing your fic and good luck with further chapters.
Hope you don't mind.
We are precise today. For a second, I thought the house was literally diagonal, it took a second read to realize we were treating architecture as a chessboard setup.
I know Kanto's Japan (basically), but I always hear a southern twang in ma'. Wonder if it's just me. Also, this is a script fic? Interesting...
Had to look up Katsu sandwiches, still mildly confused despite Wiki trying to help. More at 10...
Tips head... so when jen's talking, she's using the contraction lil aka little. But to show it is a contraction (unless Diasuke has the cruelest middle name ever, and we don't know that as readers). You'll need to put one of these fellows in ', this symbol ' tells the reader that there's letters missing, or even conjoined words at work
ex:
can't = can not
shouldn't = should not
don't = do not
or perhaps a drunken "donut" that last might be a push, but you get the idea
also, reading it out loud I dropped the "then where we're at" and it sounds much more like conversation, I'd rec dropping it....
as in bail bail. or as in save him from a swirly level of bail?
I'm wondering why he's going to the new school, and why is he thinking it's going to be crawling with wanna be rocket mobsters/biker class trailers...
Julie sounds a bit... like a flight attendant...
Why not say "Daisuke, we're almost there. You got your stuff ready?/Get your stuff read"
I think a good read out loud (ironic that I'm suggesting it, I know) would help out scalds with the families back and forth...
Snorts. I mean, I guess it's an option. It's not like the names Geo-dued (rock guy, or literally a geod, which is a rock) are ablaze with creativity. I mean, most mon names are puns when you look at them carefully anyway... so why not being another batch of kids into the world with awkward first names to make their growing up a nightmare?
So there's a lot of duplication here, two schools in the same line. two students words apart, ditto for assembly (hall), that ones three times in10 words... I don't know if you're interested in diversifying, but it caught my attention.
I was wondering how old the kid was. Fourteen answers that nicely enough.
Beyblade is a thing here? Wonder if we'll get a chance to see a match...
Snorts I'm guessing this is going to be a bullying squad. sighs...
Called it, and sighs again. Basic reading is nerd shit? How do these people manage to pass class?
Says the guy who studies battling mon...
Um how... what? tips head. I guess he's a psychic or has sleep powder pellets in his back pocket?
Sighs... yeah, ew, let's not go there, brain..
And he's got psychic enemies with laser powers and bombastic personalities... snorts... this small bad probably failed ninja 101 or something...
I mean, rabid ryhorn, definitely shouldn't have come here. Now this guy passed ninja 101 as a rock type, and no one saw is coming. Including Mr. Mystery silhouette with laser powers.
How did Daisuke not see anything about his assailent though?
What is his father, Groudon?
Can you explain this yare yare thing to me please?
Geeze, reads over Daisuke's profile, the man's half a superhero league in a single man package. That explains what he's doing. Though how and whatnot are a mystery for other chapters...
This was an interesting start to something that could be very big. Thanks for sharing your fic and good luck with further chapters.
Tango
Mascot of the Doduo Alliance
And I'm back for catnip!
Judging from the chapter title, it looks like things are going to escalate extremely fast.
Dude has an assassination attempt on his life and just goes back to class! 😅
I wonder why he is complaining? He didn't even get harmed and if someone really wanted to kill him, not venturing into the woods would have just delayed it.
He displays more fear of being late for class than he does when someone is actively trying to kill him!
Good thing Daisuke wasn't late for THIS! Can you imagine the consequences?
I have no idea why Mr. Joseph is not teaching.
Off to a great start already, I see!
For a moment I thought he was going to say "I had a younger twin sister, but she is dead too."
I suppose it doesn't take much to make a friend in the right circumstances, but I was looking forward to learning more about both of them while they became friends since I assume Jean is relevant to the plot.
I guess the assassins just gave up and went home? Then again, if I saw a dude use Pokemon-like powers to wreck a Pokemon in a battle, I probably wouldn't be keen on messing with him again either... 😅
That intercom person is on POINT! No idea how they figured it out that fast since it probably could have had other explanations unless the attack was directly witnessed by that person.
Well. Yeah. They could kill you. Ah, who am I kidding... they don't stand a chance. Carry on, then.
So I guess they think having a group well help them. I highly doubt it. Daisuke seems OP like crazy!
What technique? The ability to let the students do whatever they want so he can do whatever he wants while still somehow keeping his job?
Well, I'd say that gives Daisuke a pretty good reason to make them a bit less alive.
Friendly soldiers? Why? How did they get there so fast?
The secret technique you were afraid of. Didn't you get the memo?
I uh... was not expecting cursing to be used so bluntly by the narration! 😂Wait, there are HOW many students being evacuated? How and why would they pick those two out in all the chaos of everything going on?
They seem to be going through a lot of trouble to hunt Daisuke and Jean down when their target is supposed to be Joseph.
What is the goal of these soldiers? Just to kill everyone? Why? What do they gain out of it?
I wonder where these powers come from?
The soldier has no surprised reaction to Daisuke's crazy powers? I don't think I'd be confident if I were that soldier... 😅
I hope the fic intends to explain in great detail why Mewtwo is here, because this by itself isn't making a lot of sense to me. Mewtwo can fly at high speeds. I wouldn't think escaping from something should be that difficult for him.
No where to hide? How? The planet is huge! With Mewtwo's power, I wouldn't think he would even need a home... Caterpies live in the forest. You might call the forest their home, but they are living outside with no permanent shelter. If Caterpies can do it, so can Mewtwo.
I didn't know Mewtwo could learn transform... And if Mewtwo can do that, how does Mewtwo have a hard time hiding?
I guess Mewtwo will be joining their band. Not sure what they are going to do after this, though.
Mewtwo, why don't you just levitate everyone and fly them out of there? What good is a disguise if people end of dead because of it?
So Mewtwo just lets them all crash. Ok.
Well, the writing here isn't that good considering the fact that I wrote this about three to four months before I published the story on Wattpad in November.
Also in Kakuro's bio it was explained that there were many Mewtwo made by Team Rocket. The thing is these Mewtwo are pretty weak and need to train their powers which they didn't. Kakuro couldn't stop them from crashing because he was panicking like the others. Same reason why Daisuke couldn't just put the Ryhorn to sleep in Chapter 1. Granted I admit that the writing is is kind of shit because I didn't really plan out the finer details when I wrote this.
(Also the reason why Joseph lets them do whatever they want is because it's orientation week.)
(The armoured soldiers are also psychopaths that's why they kill everyone they see.)
Also in Kakuro's bio it was explained that there were many Mewtwo made by Team Rocket. The thing is these Mewtwo are pretty weak and need to train their powers which they didn't. Kakuro couldn't stop them from crashing because he was panicking like the others. Same reason why Daisuke couldn't just put the Ryhorn to sleep in Chapter 1. Granted I admit that the writing is is kind of shit because I didn't really plan out the finer details when I wrote this.
(Also the reason why Joseph lets them do whatever they want is because it's orientation week.)
(The armoured soldiers are also psychopaths that's why they kill everyone they see.)
Last edited:
Tango
Mascot of the Doduo Alliance
So, at first I wasn't going to reply to your reply with more than a reaction, (as that is usually how this kind of thing goes with most reviewers and fics) but I try to hold myself to a higher standard than that, so I'm back for a reply in the hopes that you find it helpful.
Also, Mewtwo's ability to effortlessly transform looks like a pretty good control of power, so it sends the opposite message of what you are intending. Perhaps if you added an explanation why Mewtwo was able to transform? Perhaps Mewtwo is just good at transforming as a way of hiding since Mewtwo has had to do that so often?
Also, you as the author know how to make sense of the world you have written. You know things that readers don't. In your mind it is better than how readers perceive it. There is more there, you just have to learn how to draw it out of yourself and into your story.
You can improve both your writing and your fic, if you set your mind to it. It all depends on your willingness to try by soliciting feedback, learning, and applying suggestions and edits. That's what I've done the past 9 months and it's worked out great for my fic so far. (I became a first time author 9 months ago)
But keep in mind that you usually need to be willing to review other peoples fics if you want them to give you feedback, especially if you are looking for in-depth feedback. In my case, my original post for you was because of the blitz. You satisfied the weekly theme to help me earn points and Negrek mentioned your fic on discord which drew my attention to your fic. My second review was from catnip.
But you can get reviews from more than blitz and catnip. Setting up a review exchange with another author is a good way.
Anyway, I hope this helps you a bit. I'll be around if you have further questions or need some general advice.
Length of time from when it was written matters less than you might think. It all depends on your willingness to learn and the effort applied.
I did some searching and found that was listed in Chapter 3. That comes a little too late in the narration to explain to readers prior to Mewtwo's reveal. Readers in chapter two will have no idea there were many of them made and that they didn't train their powers because the standard canon is that there is only one Mewtwo that is very powerful and capable.
Also, Mewtwo's ability to effortlessly transform looks like a pretty good control of power, so it sends the opposite message of what you are intending. Perhaps if you added an explanation why Mewtwo was able to transform? Perhaps Mewtwo is just good at transforming as a way of hiding since Mewtwo has had to do that so often?
Considering Kakuro is not like the Mewtwo your readers are familiar with, this is an acceptable reason, however, readers at this point in your story don't know that, and to them it just looks like the calm, collected, and very powerful Mewtwo is freaking out over a helicopter crash and doing nothing to help when he easily could. Reviewers likely wont read your entire fic and then come back to comment on individual chapters. They will likely read and review chapter by chapter.
Danger is very common to Pokemon. A Pokemon battle is dangerous. Pokemon commonly use moves and powers in stressful situations like battles. This explanation works better for Daisuke than it does for Pokemon, but Daisuke seems used to combat, so I question how well the explaination works for him too.
Writing quality is subjective. You wrote it the best you could at the time, I'm sure. Nothing to be objectively ashamed about and everyone has to start somewhere.
Also, you as the author know how to make sense of the world you have written. You know things that readers don't. In your mind it is better than how readers perceive it. There is more there, you just have to learn how to draw it out of yourself and into your story.
You can improve both your writing and your fic, if you set your mind to it. It all depends on your willingness to try by soliciting feedback, learning, and applying suggestions and edits. That's what I've done the past 9 months and it's worked out great for my fic so far. (I became a first time author 9 months ago)
But keep in mind that you usually need to be willing to review other peoples fics if you want them to give you feedback, especially if you are looking for in-depth feedback. In my case, my original post for you was because of the blitz. You satisfied the weekly theme to help me earn points and Negrek mentioned your fic on discord which drew my attention to your fic. My second review was from catnip.
But you can get reviews from more than blitz and catnip. Setting up a review exchange with another author is a good way.
A simple line added to the fic could clue readers in to that fact. Or even just updating the line where he lets them do what they want to add in that it is because it's orientation week.
They don't sound very effective, if they veer off-mission to shoot random people... Don't their superiors want them on-target to accomplish the mission? To have such a large team of soldiers, I assume their superiors have lots of money and would be able to hire the most effective and focused soldiers. Unless of course, the mission is for them to kill as many people as possible. I suspect that is not the case, but feel free to correct me if that suspicion is incorrect.
Anyway, I hope this helps you a bit. I'll be around if you have further questions or need some general advice.
K_S
Unrepentent Giovanni and Rocket fan
- Partners
-
Chapter 2
review blitz,
Lovely priorities. Very much save the world, go to school vibe... I'm wondering how enured he is to this, though, or if the shock is muffling things.
Wonder if he actually likes the classes or if he's just using academia as a shield for his supernatural self...
Headmasters run classes? That's weird.
Either Jean has no survival instinct, has plot armor, or is half lemming. I'm guessing the last one personally.
Tips head, that's a very broad assumption... but alright I'll roll with it.
Why does everyone say that? Anyway, dead folks, I vote plot armor instead. And if he had moved out here, wouldn't of Dai or his sibs have encountered the guy in their academic circles? The town was a small one, right?
Why not phrase it as "I have an older sister and brother?" less cumbersome sounding?
Considering you have a time jump, mentioning the time jump again less than a line later seems a little overkill.
How can they be late if they're being herded around by the teacher and the crush of their peers? Also, wonder if it's a new student considering Dai' got an assembly in his honor (though this begs why Jean did not).
You never did explain the yare yare thing. Wonder if they're going to follow a drill or if it's every person for themself?
What type of armor, like mid-evil knights, samurai get up, modern body armor with glass riot shields?
Wow leader, why not announce that over the school's PA just to be less subtle? If anyone didn't know Joseph wasn't a meta/super/whatever it is in this setting,g they will now. Wonder if his peers will rat him out, turn him in, or be too panicy to decide which way to go, and hopefully not become collateral.
There's pokemon here? They haven't been mentioned before. And we got a school shooting underway.... (dryly) nice.
So Mr. Joseph is a supersain? his attacks seem very DBZ-esque. But any prayer of cover he's got is more than gone now... this is going to devolve into a madhouse, isn't it?
Just slightly?
Wow, this town is prepped if it has evac chapters to swing out...
Wonder why they are suddenly interested in these two. I thought they only wanted Jo'...
What's this, the human overpopulation police? It does paint these armored people as quite the villainous force, though.
But they're so slow... and Dia' can... seemingly... turn him and a carry on to lightning to gain speed? (You might wanna explain the lightning things a bit better, I am really guessing as to what it does and how it works, and since they're in a running scene,e how it works might help build tension.)
Is this the mystery figure from last time? Mr. Neck Lazer from last chapter?
Dee- what? I'm lost.
How does he reveal that form? Stepping into the shadows, pulling off his mask?
Laughs, you got superpowered mutants pulling you out of danger and armored jerks chasing you, methinks theories are going to be a lot more factual than you'd like...
Isn't mewtwo a vibrant one?
Joseph does not fill me with confidence.
review blitz,
Lovely priorities. Very much save the world, go to school vibe... I'm wondering how enured he is to this, though, or if the shock is muffling things.
Wonder if he actually likes the classes or if he's just using academia as a shield for his supernatural self...
Headmasters run classes? That's weird.
Either Jean has no survival instinct, has plot armor, or is half lemming. I'm guessing the last one personally.
Tips head, that's a very broad assumption... but alright I'll roll with it.
Why does everyone say that? Anyway, dead folks, I vote plot armor instead. And if he had moved out here, wouldn't of Dai or his sibs have encountered the guy in their academic circles? The town was a small one, right?
Why not phrase it as "I have an older sister and brother?" less cumbersome sounding?
Considering you have a time jump, mentioning the time jump again less than a line later seems a little overkill.
How can they be late if they're being herded around by the teacher and the crush of their peers? Also, wonder if it's a new student considering Dai' got an assembly in his honor (though this begs why Jean did not).
You never did explain the yare yare thing. Wonder if they're going to follow a drill or if it's every person for themself?
What type of armor, like mid-evil knights, samurai get up, modern body armor with glass riot shields?
Wow leader, why not announce that over the school's PA just to be less subtle? If anyone didn't know Joseph wasn't a meta/super/whatever it is in this setting,g they will now. Wonder if his peers will rat him out, turn him in, or be too panicy to decide which way to go, and hopefully not become collateral.
There's pokemon here? They haven't been mentioned before. And we got a school shooting underway.... (dryly) nice.
So Mr. Joseph is a supersain? his attacks seem very DBZ-esque. But any prayer of cover he's got is more than gone now... this is going to devolve into a madhouse, isn't it?
Just slightly?
Wow, this town is prepped if it has evac chapters to swing out...
Wonder why they are suddenly interested in these two. I thought they only wanted Jo'...
What's this, the human overpopulation police? It does paint these armored people as quite the villainous force, though.
But they're so slow... and Dia' can... seemingly... turn him and a carry on to lightning to gain speed? (You might wanna explain the lightning things a bit better, I am really guessing as to what it does and how it works, and since they're in a running scene,e how it works might help build tension.)
Is this the mystery figure from last time? Mr. Neck Lazer from last chapter?
Dee- what? I'm lost.
How does he reveal that form? Stepping into the shadows, pulling off his mask?
Laughs, you got superpowered mutants pulling you out of danger and armored jerks chasing you, methinks theories are going to be a lot more factual than you'd like...
Isn't mewtwo a vibrant one?
Joseph does not fill me with confidence.
Well, that was an experience. Thanks for sharing.
Pokémon Rebirth Chapter 15
New
Chapter 15 - I Am All of Me
At the medical bay - Interpol HQ
The group were having their injuries treated. Jean, Kakuro, Jaiden and Daisuke only had mild bruises. However, most of the other agents were in very bad condition and needed to be put into the intensive care unit. Their Pokémon were also being treated in a separate ward.
Jaiden : Wait, why didn't I just heal you guys?
Jean : Maybe you were so tired from the battle just now that you just kind of forgot about it? However, our wounds are pretty minor so we don't need to be healed.
Jaiden : Okay then. If that's what you say.
Alejandro : Kids, I just got a call from my superiors. They want the four of you to come with me to the meeting room.
Jean prepared to retort but he was stopped by Daisuke.
Daisuke : Wait, why exactly are we required to join that meeting?
Alejandro : Sorry, I can't disclose that information to you all, but we need to go now.
Daisuke : Alright, we'll go.
Alejandro leads the group to the meeting room. There they see multiple executives waiting for them.
Head Executive : Hello there. We've heard about what the four of you have done on the battlefield just now. However, we want the four of you to tell us everything that happened to all of you over the past few days.
Daisuke was about to question the Head Executive but decided against it due to him not wanting to come off as disrespectful.
Daisuke : Alright, it was the first of April. Jean and I were going to the assembly hall when all of a sudden a bunch of armoured soldiers and their Pokémon began attacking our school.
Kakuro : At the same time, I was walking around town when Cyan Academy was attacked. Then, the three of us along with Mr. Abdul and Mr. Joseph boarded a chopper which then crashed in Orre. After that, we started wandering the desert for a bit until we were attacked by this guy called Sorre. However, Daisuke and I managed to defeat him. We then proceeded to enter Pyrite Town and meet Jaiden there. We checked into the hotel but Jean was attacked by some sort of doll which he managed to defeat. After that, we were ambushed by a biker gang and we lost Mr. Abdul.
Jean, Kakuro, Jaiden and Daisuke become slightly saddened from the mention of Abdul's death but push on.
Kakuro : The five of us then went on a boat to Unova but the captain turned out to be one of Zwei's agents and tried to kill us but Jaiden and her Pokémon managed to knock her off the ship. After that, we had to deal with some electric gremlin Pokémon. What was it's name again?
Daisuke : Grembolt. After arriving at Castelia City, some bastard tried to kill me but he died from a bomb in his head. We were forced to move to Nacrene City by train but we got ambushed AGAIN. After that was over we helped this guy named Henry deal with this guy and I scanned his brain and found out that Zwei sent him to kill us. The next day, Mr. Joseph called you guys for help but our signal was traced and the chopper came and got us out of here.
The Executives became more and more dumbfounded by hearing how absurd the group's journey was.
Head Executive : Wait, so you all somehow survived all of that?
Daisuke : That's thanks to Jaiden right here. If it wasn't for her, the others and I would be dead right now.
Jaiden becomes flustered by the compliment but keeps her mouth shut.
Head Executive : During your journey here, did any of you find and collect any evidence of Zwei contacting these assassins to kill you?
Kakuro : Yes, we have. The note, Daisuke?
Daisuke takes out the note from his left pocket and hands it over to Kakuro who then hands it over to the Head Executive.
Head Executive : Damn, that motherfucking bastard knew we were on him. That's why his call and text logs were so empty as of late. Anyways, you're all free to go now. In the meantime we'll run an a background search on this "Elizabeth".
Daisuke : Alright then, we'll take our leave.
The group then returns to their room. A few hours later, Jean and Kakuro fall asleep leaving only Jaiden and Daisuke awake.
Daisuke : Aozora ga aru kagiri, Kaze wa toki wo hakobu yo..... Yuuki ga aru kagiri, Yume wa kanarazaru kanao yo.....
Jaiden : You're singing that song again. Do you like it?
Daisuke : Yeah, it's one of my favourite songs.
Jaiden : Would you mind if you tell me more about yourself and I do the same?
Daisuke : Sure. My dad, he's an asshole. The neglectful kind of asshole. He regularly leaves home for extended periods of time to go "train" his Pokémon. I don't know whatever the fuck he has doing all these years but it has to be more important than his wife and kids. When I was a little kid, he would always ignore me and get mad at me. Eventually, I stopped trying to form a connection with him because all my efforts never paid off. To this day, I barely know anything about him. The only things I do know about him are his name, likes and dislikes. I don't know anything about his past because he never told us anything. My mother refuses to talk about him every time me or my siblings bring it up.
Jaiden : Okay..., my parents are pretty average all things considered. My dad is an office worker and my mom is a hairdresser. I also have a little brother. He's pretty managable most of the time but he goes hyper if he eats too much sugar.
Daisuke : Well, my brother Kosuke is obsessed with his hair. He is so obsessed with his hair to the point that takes 15 minutes to do his hair. He goes ballistic if someone insults his hair. This one time, some guy said that his hair (Which is a pompadour with spikes ends at the back of the left and right sides.) was a lump of shit stuck to his head and Kosuke got so mad that he started cursing the guy out before punching him in the face. After that, the two of them got arrested by the cops and Kosuke had to be bailed out by our mother. When we got home, she yelled at him for 30 minutes and said that she would shave his head if he ever did that again. My sister in comparison keeps to herself a lot. Like my dad, I don't know too much about her besides the fact that she likes fashion and hates chicken.
Jaiden : Alright.. It seems that you're not very close with your father and sister.
Daisuke : Well, I hate my dad and I don't talk much with my sister.
Jaiden : (Damn, I can't imagine the pain he must've felt from being rejected by his dad for so long.)
Daisuke : So, are you into anything other than animating?
Jaiden : Well, besides animating, I also like playing video games and taking care of my pet Swellows.
Daisuke : When did you get your pet Swellows and who gave them to you?
Jaiden : That's a long story...5 years ago, In my hometown of Phenac City, it was a very busy afternoon. People and Pokémon who roamed the streets on this particularly hot sunny day were sweating bullets due to the heat. Except the fire types, they like the heat. On that day, my family and I were going shopping until I saw them in the pet store. They were still Tailows back then.*Chuckle* I remember begging my parents to buy them for me!
Daisuke : How did you beg? Did you go bow down to them and trash your hands up in the air like a maniac?
Jaiden : N- NO! Why do you think that I would do that?!
Daisuke : I had too many Dorkly skits to watch over the years.
Jaiden : AFTER THAT, my parents caved in and bought them for me!
Daisuke : So where did their names come from?
Jaiden : Oh! I named Soy after soy beans! As for Arci, I don't really remember why I named him that but the name stuck because he liked it.
Daisuke : You know, seeing you with those two reminds me of my pet Umbreon Dutch.
Jaiden : No way, you have a pet Umbreon!?
Daisuke : Jaiden, I told you and the others that I had Dutch as a pet while we were in Castelia City. Do you not remember?
Jaiden : Oh wait, I remember now. Where is he right now? Is he with your family at home?
Daisuke : Well, he's been with my cousin Stephen for the past month now. He said that he needed a dark type on his team because he was going to stay at a place with lots of ghost types for a while.
Jaiden : Why is your cousin doing that?! Is he not scared at all?!
Daisuke : He's a researcher. He's been tasked with researching ghost types by his superiors.
Jaiden : Does he not have any dark types of his own?
Daisuke : So far, he doesn't have any dark types on his team. That's why he asked to borrow Dutch for some time. Surprisingly, Dutch was quite fine with the news. He didn't freak out or anything.
Jaiden : Good for you. Those birds freak out every time I leave my room. Also, where did you get your abilities from?
Daisuke : I inherited my psychic abilities from my mother and my elemental abilities from my dad's side.
Jaiden : Did your dad not have them?
Daisuke : He might have them but I have no idea. Like I told you before, he's barely at home most of the time and I don't see him use any of them when he's at home. But who did you get your abilities from?
Jaiden : Well, I don't know who I inherited my abilities from but I've been keeping it a secret from my family.
Daisuke : Why so?
Jaiden : It's because they don't really need to know. That's all.
Daisuke : That's... reasonable. We don't need to know everything about someone we know. That'll be kind of creepy.
Daisuke then continues singing the song.
Daisuke : Namida ga afureru mama, Hey! , Hey! Hashiridase! Akai chiheisen no kanata, Ashita ga aru no sa.........!
Both : Dare yori mo nani yori mo, Kimi dakeo mamoritai! Itsu made mo doko made mo, Ai dakeo shinjitai! La la la la la la la la la la, Kimi dakeo mamoritai! Wow Wow Wow, Moichido! Wow Wow Wow, Sakebou! Sekai wa owaranai!!
Daisuke then imitates the sound of the song's ending guitar solo.
Jaiden : *Giggles* That was amazing! We should do this as a group next!
Daisuke : *Yawns* Yeah, that can wait. I'm getting tired.
Jaiden : **Yawns* Me too. Good night, Daisuke!
Daisuke : Good night Jaiden.
Daisuke walks towards his bed and gets into it before closing his eyes and falling asleep. Jaiden on the other hand was struggling to fall asleep as she was too busy gushing over the "moment" she had with Daisuke.
Jaiden : *Internal screaming*
Jaiden didn't know how to deal with something like this. This was the first time she ever had a crush on someone in her almost 14 years of life.
Jaiden : (Okay Jaiden, take a few deep breaths and then go to sleep.)
Jaiden only fell asleep 3 hours later.
The next day - at the Indigo Plateau.
Zwei was roaming the halls of the Indigo Plateau while thinking about his failure to kill Joseph and the rest. Sure, the Abdul guy was dead but he only died due to being stabbed by one of the Cyksorials that were summoned by those idiotic bikers. They couldn't even keep those two mons under control. He was starting to regret being so hands off initially. If he had carried out the plan from the start and not relied on his dimwitted employees, he could've dealt with Joseph and his group much quicker. However, Zwei had much bigger problems to deal with now. Interpol was now on his tail and would probably raid his location soon. Fortunately, he had prepared for this possibility a few years in advance.(That's a secret that'll help him later!) However, he still felt extremely nervous because the members of the public were becoming restless and demanded that Joseph Johnson be captured and put on trial. Zwei had already captured Joseph but he wanted the rest of the group and Joseph's allies at Interpol to be annihilated first on order to prevent Joseph being rescued. Unfortunately for him, the impatience of the public meant that he had to accelerate his plans by sending a shit ton of Pokémon to the Interpol HQ in a full scale assault instead of waiting for them to come to the Indigo Plateau where he had the home court advantage and lots more Pokémon at his disposal. He had hoped that the Pokémon would be able to overwhelm Interpol. If his memory served him flawlessly, those Pokémon were around level 65 to level 70. However, those stupid motherfucking children just HAD to interfere with his plans AGAIN. At this point, Zwei's patience was like water being boiled over a volcano. The Stark Mountain to be specific.
Zwei : Fuck! Because of those Goldeen brained commoners, I had to rush my plan and now half my army is gone! Shit! Don't worry Zwei, you still have your trump card. If they come here, they'll be in for a rude awakening! Hehehehahahahaahahahehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Butler : Um... Are you okay sir?
Zwei : Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Butler : H-here's your coffee, sir.
Zwei : Thank you very much!
The butler then walked out of the room as fast as he can.
Zwei then drank a sip of coffee from the cup.
Zwei : Ahhh. Perfectly roasted, just the way I like it! Now, what was I thinking? Oh, those pesky little shits. I need to find a way to get rid of them. Wait, I just need to lure them here and ambush them! But I only have half of my intended army and they're probably preparing to raid me right now. Aha! I could just ask to borrow some mons from the KSDF(Kantonian Self Defense Force)! They wouldn't bat an eye because the Annual Kantonian Pokémon Championship is taking place in 2 weeks so it would make sense for me as the ruler of Kanto to hire security for the tournament! I'm such a genius! Hahahhahehahehwhehahehhwhe!!!
Zwei picked up his phone. He then proceeded to call the Commander of the KSDF.
Commander : Hello, what can we do to help you Mr. Gesicht?
Zwei ; Hello, Commander Jin . I would like to borrow 25,000 mons as security for the Annual Kantonian Pokémon Championship that's going to start in 2 weeks. Make sure they all arrive in 1 hour.
Commander Jin : But sir, the security recruitment was meant to start next week.
Zwei : Don't worry, you will be paid compensation for this sudden change of schedule.
Commander Jin : Alright then.
Zwei : Thank you, Commander.
*deet*
Zwei : Alright! The replacement mons are being sent now. All I need to do is send those fuckers a special message just for them. Hueehahahehahehahehahehahehhaehaheh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End of Chapter 15
Character Biography : Zwei Gesicht
Age : 28
Zwei is the current head of the Silph family. Consequentially, he is also the CEO of Silph. Co. His name translates into "Two Face" in English. He is rather frightening due to his random outbursts of anger and insanity. He has a wife and daughter but he doesn't give a shit about either of them. (They don't live with him because of that.) He sees everything as a business and his opposition as business rivals. As a result, he will take drastic measures in order for him to achieve his goals such as hiring those armoured soldiers to attack Cyan Academy in order to kill or hurt Joseph and poisoning the Elite Four and Champion Crimson in order to gain control of Kanto in order to start a manhunt for Joseph. He likes perfectly roasted coffee and dislikes his employees. They're too incompetent in his eyes.
At the medical bay - Interpol HQ
The group were having their injuries treated. Jean, Kakuro, Jaiden and Daisuke only had mild bruises. However, most of the other agents were in very bad condition and needed to be put into the intensive care unit. Their Pokémon were also being treated in a separate ward.
Jaiden : Wait, why didn't I just heal you guys?
Jean : Maybe you were so tired from the battle just now that you just kind of forgot about it? However, our wounds are pretty minor so we don't need to be healed.
Jaiden : Okay then. If that's what you say.
Alejandro : Kids, I just got a call from my superiors. They want the four of you to come with me to the meeting room.
Jean prepared to retort but he was stopped by Daisuke.
Daisuke : Wait, why exactly are we required to join that meeting?
Alejandro : Sorry, I can't disclose that information to you all, but we need to go now.
Daisuke : Alright, we'll go.
Alejandro leads the group to the meeting room. There they see multiple executives waiting for them.
Head Executive : Hello there. We've heard about what the four of you have done on the battlefield just now. However, we want the four of you to tell us everything that happened to all of you over the past few days.
Daisuke was about to question the Head Executive but decided against it due to him not wanting to come off as disrespectful.
Daisuke : Alright, it was the first of April. Jean and I were going to the assembly hall when all of a sudden a bunch of armoured soldiers and their Pokémon began attacking our school.
Kakuro : At the same time, I was walking around town when Cyan Academy was attacked. Then, the three of us along with Mr. Abdul and Mr. Joseph boarded a chopper which then crashed in Orre. After that, we started wandering the desert for a bit until we were attacked by this guy called Sorre. However, Daisuke and I managed to defeat him. We then proceeded to enter Pyrite Town and meet Jaiden there. We checked into the hotel but Jean was attacked by some sort of doll which he managed to defeat. After that, we were ambushed by a biker gang and we lost Mr. Abdul.
Jean, Kakuro, Jaiden and Daisuke become slightly saddened from the mention of Abdul's death but push on.
Kakuro : The five of us then went on a boat to Unova but the captain turned out to be one of Zwei's agents and tried to kill us but Jaiden and her Pokémon managed to knock her off the ship. After that, we had to deal with some electric gremlin Pokémon. What was it's name again?
Daisuke : Grembolt. After arriving at Castelia City, some bastard tried to kill me but he died from a bomb in his head. We were forced to move to Nacrene City by train but we got ambushed AGAIN. After that was over we helped this guy named Henry deal with this guy and I scanned his brain and found out that Zwei sent him to kill us. The next day, Mr. Joseph called you guys for help but our signal was traced and the chopper came and got us out of here.
The Executives became more and more dumbfounded by hearing how absurd the group's journey was.
Head Executive : Wait, so you all somehow survived all of that?
Daisuke : That's thanks to Jaiden right here. If it wasn't for her, the others and I would be dead right now.
Jaiden becomes flustered by the compliment but keeps her mouth shut.
Head Executive : During your journey here, did any of you find and collect any evidence of Zwei contacting these assassins to kill you?
Kakuro : Yes, we have. The note, Daisuke?
Daisuke takes out the note from his left pocket and hands it over to Kakuro who then hands it over to the Head Executive.
Head Executive : Damn, that motherfucking bastard knew we were on him. That's why his call and text logs were so empty as of late. Anyways, you're all free to go now. In the meantime we'll run an a background search on this "Elizabeth".
Daisuke : Alright then, we'll take our leave.
The group then returns to their room. A few hours later, Jean and Kakuro fall asleep leaving only Jaiden and Daisuke awake.
Daisuke : Aozora ga aru kagiri, Kaze wa toki wo hakobu yo..... Yuuki ga aru kagiri, Yume wa kanarazaru kanao yo.....
Jaiden : You're singing that song again. Do you like it?
Daisuke : Yeah, it's one of my favourite songs.
Jaiden : Would you mind if you tell me more about yourself and I do the same?
Daisuke : Sure. My dad, he's an asshole. The neglectful kind of asshole. He regularly leaves home for extended periods of time to go "train" his Pokémon. I don't know whatever the fuck he has doing all these years but it has to be more important than his wife and kids. When I was a little kid, he would always ignore me and get mad at me. Eventually, I stopped trying to form a connection with him because all my efforts never paid off. To this day, I barely know anything about him. The only things I do know about him are his name, likes and dislikes. I don't know anything about his past because he never told us anything. My mother refuses to talk about him every time me or my siblings bring it up.
Jaiden : Okay..., my parents are pretty average all things considered. My dad is an office worker and my mom is a hairdresser. I also have a little brother. He's pretty managable most of the time but he goes hyper if he eats too much sugar.
Daisuke : Well, my brother Kosuke is obsessed with his hair. He is so obsessed with his hair to the point that takes 15 minutes to do his hair. He goes ballistic if someone insults his hair. This one time, some guy said that his hair (Which is a pompadour with spikes ends at the back of the left and right sides.) was a lump of shit stuck to his head and Kosuke got so mad that he started cursing the guy out before punching him in the face. After that, the two of them got arrested by the cops and Kosuke had to be bailed out by our mother. When we got home, she yelled at him for 30 minutes and said that she would shave his head if he ever did that again. My sister in comparison keeps to herself a lot. Like my dad, I don't know too much about her besides the fact that she likes fashion and hates chicken.
Jaiden : Alright.. It seems that you're not very close with your father and sister.
Daisuke : Well, I hate my dad and I don't talk much with my sister.
Jaiden : (Damn, I can't imagine the pain he must've felt from being rejected by his dad for so long.)
Daisuke : So, are you into anything other than animating?
Jaiden : Well, besides animating, I also like playing video games and taking care of my pet Swellows.
Daisuke : When did you get your pet Swellows and who gave them to you?
Jaiden : That's a long story...5 years ago, In my hometown of Phenac City, it was a very busy afternoon. People and Pokémon who roamed the streets on this particularly hot sunny day were sweating bullets due to the heat. Except the fire types, they like the heat. On that day, my family and I were going shopping until I saw them in the pet store. They were still Tailows back then.*Chuckle* I remember begging my parents to buy them for me!
Daisuke : How did you beg? Did you go bow down to them and trash your hands up in the air like a maniac?
Jaiden : N- NO! Why do you think that I would do that?!
Daisuke : I had too many Dorkly skits to watch over the years.
Jaiden : AFTER THAT, my parents caved in and bought them for me!
Daisuke : So where did their names come from?
Jaiden : Oh! I named Soy after soy beans! As for Arci, I don't really remember why I named him that but the name stuck because he liked it.
Daisuke : You know, seeing you with those two reminds me of my pet Umbreon Dutch.
Jaiden : No way, you have a pet Umbreon!?
Daisuke : Jaiden, I told you and the others that I had Dutch as a pet while we were in Castelia City. Do you not remember?
Jaiden : Oh wait, I remember now. Where is he right now? Is he with your family at home?
Daisuke : Well, he's been with my cousin Stephen for the past month now. He said that he needed a dark type on his team because he was going to stay at a place with lots of ghost types for a while.
Jaiden : Why is your cousin doing that?! Is he not scared at all?!
Daisuke : He's a researcher. He's been tasked with researching ghost types by his superiors.
Jaiden : Does he not have any dark types of his own?
Daisuke : So far, he doesn't have any dark types on his team. That's why he asked to borrow Dutch for some time. Surprisingly, Dutch was quite fine with the news. He didn't freak out or anything.
Jaiden : Good for you. Those birds freak out every time I leave my room. Also, where did you get your abilities from?
Daisuke : I inherited my psychic abilities from my mother and my elemental abilities from my dad's side.
Jaiden : Did your dad not have them?
Daisuke : He might have them but I have no idea. Like I told you before, he's barely at home most of the time and I don't see him use any of them when he's at home. But who did you get your abilities from?
Jaiden : Well, I don't know who I inherited my abilities from but I've been keeping it a secret from my family.
Daisuke : Why so?
Jaiden : It's because they don't really need to know. That's all.
Daisuke : That's... reasonable. We don't need to know everything about someone we know. That'll be kind of creepy.
Daisuke then continues singing the song.
Daisuke : Namida ga afureru mama, Hey! , Hey! Hashiridase! Akai chiheisen no kanata, Ashita ga aru no sa.........!
Both : Dare yori mo nani yori mo, Kimi dakeo mamoritai! Itsu made mo doko made mo, Ai dakeo shinjitai! La la la la la la la la la la, Kimi dakeo mamoritai! Wow Wow Wow, Moichido! Wow Wow Wow, Sakebou! Sekai wa owaranai!!
Daisuke then imitates the sound of the song's ending guitar solo.
Jaiden : *Giggles* That was amazing! We should do this as a group next!
Daisuke : *Yawns* Yeah, that can wait. I'm getting tired.
Jaiden : **Yawns* Me too. Good night, Daisuke!
Daisuke : Good night Jaiden.
Daisuke walks towards his bed and gets into it before closing his eyes and falling asleep. Jaiden on the other hand was struggling to fall asleep as she was too busy gushing over the "moment" she had with Daisuke.
Jaiden : *Internal screaming*
Jaiden didn't know how to deal with something like this. This was the first time she ever had a crush on someone in her almost 14 years of life.
Jaiden : (Okay Jaiden, take a few deep breaths and then go to sleep.)
Jaiden only fell asleep 3 hours later.
The next day - at the Indigo Plateau.
Zwei was roaming the halls of the Indigo Plateau while thinking about his failure to kill Joseph and the rest. Sure, the Abdul guy was dead but he only died due to being stabbed by one of the Cyksorials that were summoned by those idiotic bikers. They couldn't even keep those two mons under control. He was starting to regret being so hands off initially. If he had carried out the plan from the start and not relied on his dimwitted employees, he could've dealt with Joseph and his group much quicker. However, Zwei had much bigger problems to deal with now. Interpol was now on his tail and would probably raid his location soon. Fortunately, he had prepared for this possibility a few years in advance.(That's a secret that'll help him later!) However, he still felt extremely nervous because the members of the public were becoming restless and demanded that Joseph Johnson be captured and put on trial. Zwei had already captured Joseph but he wanted the rest of the group and Joseph's allies at Interpol to be annihilated first on order to prevent Joseph being rescued. Unfortunately for him, the impatience of the public meant that he had to accelerate his plans by sending a shit ton of Pokémon to the Interpol HQ in a full scale assault instead of waiting for them to come to the Indigo Plateau where he had the home court advantage and lots more Pokémon at his disposal. He had hoped that the Pokémon would be able to overwhelm Interpol. If his memory served him flawlessly, those Pokémon were around level 65 to level 70. However, those stupid motherfucking children just HAD to interfere with his plans AGAIN. At this point, Zwei's patience was like water being boiled over a volcano. The Stark Mountain to be specific.
Zwei : Fuck! Because of those Goldeen brained commoners, I had to rush my plan and now half my army is gone! Shit! Don't worry Zwei, you still have your trump card. If they come here, they'll be in for a rude awakening! Hehehehahahahaahahahehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Butler : Um... Are you okay sir?
Zwei : Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Butler : H-here's your coffee, sir.
Zwei : Thank you very much!
The butler then walked out of the room as fast as he can.
Zwei then drank a sip of coffee from the cup.
Zwei : Ahhh. Perfectly roasted, just the way I like it! Now, what was I thinking? Oh, those pesky little shits. I need to find a way to get rid of them. Wait, I just need to lure them here and ambush them! But I only have half of my intended army and they're probably preparing to raid me right now. Aha! I could just ask to borrow some mons from the KSDF(Kantonian Self Defense Force)! They wouldn't bat an eye because the Annual Kantonian Pokémon Championship is taking place in 2 weeks so it would make sense for me as the ruler of Kanto to hire security for the tournament! I'm such a genius! Hahahhahehahehwhehahehhwhe!!!
Zwei picked up his phone. He then proceeded to call the Commander of the KSDF.
Commander : Hello, what can we do to help you Mr. Gesicht?
Zwei ; Hello, Commander Jin . I would like to borrow 25,000 mons as security for the Annual Kantonian Pokémon Championship that's going to start in 2 weeks. Make sure they all arrive in 1 hour.
Commander Jin : But sir, the security recruitment was meant to start next week.
Zwei : Don't worry, you will be paid compensation for this sudden change of schedule.
Commander Jin : Alright then.
Zwei : Thank you, Commander.
*deet*
Zwei : Alright! The replacement mons are being sent now. All I need to do is send those fuckers a special message just for them. Hueehahahehahehahehahehahehhaehaheh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End of Chapter 15
Character Biography : Zwei Gesicht
Age : 28
Zwei is the current head of the Silph family. Consequentially, he is also the CEO of Silph. Co. His name translates into "Two Face" in English. He is rather frightening due to his random outbursts of anger and insanity. He has a wife and daughter but he doesn't give a shit about either of them. (They don't live with him because of that.) He sees everything as a business and his opposition as business rivals. As a result, he will take drastic measures in order for him to achieve his goals such as hiring those armoured soldiers to attack Cyan Academy in order to kill or hurt Joseph and poisoning the Elite Four and Champion Crimson in order to gain control of Kanto in order to start a manhunt for Joseph. He likes perfectly roasted coffee and dislikes his employees. They're too incompetent in his eyes.
Tango
Mascot of the Doduo Alliance
Alright, I'm back for the next chapter!
I am SO glad your chapters are so short! I just read one that was almost 9k and am a little zonked from it!
I once heard that any good landing is one you can walk away from. A great landing is one where the aircraft is still intact!
Damaged? Probably best to swap this word for 'mangled' or 'wrecked'. It crashed. I have a hard time imaging it was just 'damaged'.
Wait! Pallet town isn't in a desert! I thought they went down shortly after taking off? Did they get teleported somewhere before or after they crashed? 🤔
How the HECK did they get all the way out there and why is no one questioning it?!
chance*
Uh, Kakuro, it's ok to walk around. I don't think you go to jail in Kanto or Johto for walking or the jails would be full from 10 year old trainers trying to go on Pokemon journeys!
Added suggestion on words to take out and some words to add to better explain what Kakuro was doing. Doesn't have to be signing up for school but it should be more than just walking around.
Also, when I have ideas for how to change the line above I'll cross out words if it looks like you can remove them without losing meaning. If I add words, I'll put them in bold. Also, when I have editing suggestions, I'll include the following symbol sometimes just by itself: 📝
Oh, so Kakuro is trying to hide what he was doing and is doing a poor job covering it up. In that case, don't worry about adding the bold bit from the previous section!
But you have powers, Daisuke. Do guns really matter that much or are you just wanting the others to have some?
Freak out? But didn't they all see Joseph use his powers already?
Ok so I can see why Kakuro and Daisuke would want to keep their powers under wraps at least.
Ah, an enemy looms!
This seems more like something Joseph would pick up on rather than Daisuke. Could be a good line to use to show Joseph's experience and ability to lead the group.
Do none of them have their own Pokemon they could battle with?
So the rocket presumably came from somewhere far away, but the arm just shoots up right out of the sand where they are? I wonder what's going on?
Ok, if they are that easy to dodge, I'm not sure the cursing from Joseph makes sense. Joseph is expereicned and I would assume is fairly collected and not easily spooked, especially considering his backstory in the Prologue you are planning.
The cursing makes me laugh
They sound like angry gamers more than they sound like people in any actual danger. The fact that both of them can act like that shows neither are afraid despite the danger so somehow doubles as being cool!Yeah! Who needs those crummy arms!
Mechanical arms buried in sand probably wasn't the best choice. Sand is rough and corse and gets everywhere. Very bad for machines. No wonder they can't hit anything!
So is he ambidextrous with the ability to aim and fire two guns at two separate targets simultaneously? If so, that takes some SKILL!
Uh, Daisuke, he isn't just targeting you, he is FIRING at you! How are you dodging the bullets?! Does Sorre suck at hiting things with guns as much as his arms suck at hitting people?!
You are literally being shot at WITH GUNS and you are worried about STYLE?!
Why are there several "L"s in a row? I don't understand.
But these two have barely faught at all together much less practiced or discussed combos in advance. How do they know how to do this?!
Even though it isn't makeing sense how, it was still pretty cool lol.
Daisuke you have got to work on your jokes. It was cool and then you ruined it.
Giant worm? Which Pokemon was it? And how do they know it will never been seen again??
I'm so confused by the randomness of that!
Neat explanation for how these came to be but I still think this biography should be at the end of chapter 2 instead as it comes a bit late by this point.
Ah, so this Mewtwo is a frisky kitty!
And some additional tidbits.
Thanks for the review Tango! The reason why Kakuro laughed at Daisuke's terrible joke was because they're both pretty socially awkward individuals. This would make more sense if you read the later chapters. The Anakin reference was also pretty neat too. Sorre saying L do many times in a row was based off of a friend of mine who did the exact same thing. Also, how they got all the way from Kanto to Orre in such a short amount of time was because Joseph put the chopper in turbo mode which caused it to go at some absurd speeds. The rest of the group also don't know that Joseph has powers because they were in another location when he used them on the armoured soldiers.
Tango
Mascot of the Doduo Alliance
It's fine for them to laugh. It's the characters they are.
Well, considering how much of an inside joke that is, just know that 100% of your readers will be confused by it. Most of them will probably think it is a really bad typo.
How fast IS turbo mode?? The speed of LIGHT?!
The way it read made it feel like their 'journey' only took a few seconds!
Ah ok. Maybe it described that in the previous chapter and I just missed that detail or forgot. If that isn't the case, and the previous chapter didn't say, you should probably go back and add that information.
Chapter 15
The section where they tell the head executive what's happened on their journey so far sort of felt like an anime recap episode, going through and explaining the events of the story so far. Generally you don't really need this in a fic, though - recap episodes are for catching up new viewers before a new arc, but you can't "miss" chapters of a fanfic, and someone who can't remember what happened earlier can just go back and skim-reread a chapter. Usually, if the characters need to explain things we already saw to other characters for story purposes, you can just skip over that conversation by saying something like, "They explained everything that'd happened to the head executive."
Kind of surprised Daisuke says he does know his likes and dislikes, but nothing else about him, and his mom never talks about him. I guess his dad would express stuff he liked and disliked, even if he ignored the kids and basically never said anything else.
(Although maybe I'm misreading this completely and it's actually important/significant that Daisuke barely knows his sister and she's actively avoiding letting him learn anything about her!)
That said, I thought this was a cute moment from what I can understand of it - Daisuke just being a bit of a big dork about his favorite song (is he singing along while playing the song on his phone or music player, or just singing solo?) and Jaiden joining in for what I'm guessing is the chorus of the song. Characters just being a bit dorky makes them more endearing and gives them more chemistry with each other!
I was surprised at how open Daisuke was - he's often seemed like a fairly brooding, withdrawn type, but as soon as Jaiden asked to just hear something about him, he immediately launches into his issues with his dad and this one time his brother got arrested. Wonder if he's more willing to open up to Jaiden or if this is just stuff he'd discuss with anyone if they happened to ask.
I do enjoy just what a cackling villain Zwei is. He's over the top but I think that's exactly what you want in this story, which is generally very indulgent and about the sense of fun more than anything else.
This is a somewhat quieter chapter with a bit of downtime, but that's a nice thing to have for the characters. You're giving Jaiden a bit more backstory, establishing Daisuke's dad and a bit of intrigue around that, and letting the two of them have a bit of a real bonding moment, which is nice. We also learned enough about Daisuke's cousin Stephen for me to suspect we're going to be seeing him later... and therefore Dutch! Will be fun to see Daisuke with a Pokémon of his own that he cares for.
Glad you're still having fun with this!
Nice lampshading :P
The section where they tell the head executive what's happened on their journey so far sort of felt like an anime recap episode, going through and explaining the events of the story so far. Generally you don't really need this in a fic, though - recap episodes are for catching up new viewers before a new arc, but you can't "miss" chapters of a fanfic, and someone who can't remember what happened earlier can just go back and skim-reread a chapter. Usually, if the characters need to explain things we already saw to other characters for story purposes, you can just skip over that conversation by saying something like, "They explained everything that'd happened to the head executive."
Hmm, getting the feeling from this that it's going to turn out Daisuke's father has been up to something legitimately important all this time and Daisuke's resentment for him was in some ways unfounded (although ignoring and getting mad at your kid is never great) - never knowing anything about his past, and his mother refusing to talk about him, feels like it's going to turn out significant, after all.
Kind of surprised Daisuke says he does know his likes and dislikes, but nothing else about him, and his mom never talks about him. I guess his dad would express stuff he liked and disliked, even if he ignored the kids and basically never said anything else.
Haha, the story about his brother's hair is quite something. (Though the sentences Daisuke used to describe it are a bit repetitive!) Meanwhile, he says he barely knows anything about his sister, which feels odd. Even if she keeps to herself, she's still his sister and lives with him - he should at least know more about her than about their super absent dad whose past is being actively kept a mystery from him! I barely interacted with my own brother for years when we were teens, but I still knew what subjects he was studying and which ones he liked and wanted to study more of, what his basic hobbies were, the friends he hung out with, and so on - if nothing else, I'd hear him talk with my parents about things at the dinner table! If you just don't really want to have to come up with stuff about his sister, that's okay, but then you might as well just have Daisuke mention he has a brother and sister and then move into the funny story about his brother, rather than having Daisuke explicitly not know anything about his sister.
(Although maybe I'm misreading this completely and it's actually important/significant that Daisuke barely knows his sister and she's actively avoiding letting him learn anything about her!)
I'm surprised she went into how it was a busy afternoon and super hot and people were sweating bullets when none of that has anything to do with her seeing Arci and Soy at the pet store!
Ah, getting some lore on the powers! Sounds like they are a thing that runs in families. His dad's definitely going to turn out to have had elemental powers, I think, but it's interesting Daisuke has no idea - while still knowing his elemental powers come from that side of the family. Sounds like his parents have been trying hard to hide his dad's powers.
I have a feeling there's going to be more to this, too...
I think it's a little awkward to write out a bunch of Japanese lyrics - very possibly the reader does not know Japanese and has no idea what song this is or to what melody this all should be sung, so this just amounts to a couple of lines of random gobbledigook! You could write some nice narration about it instead that would be more likely to mean something to the reader - saying how they're singing, their expressions, etc.
That said, I thought this was a cute moment from what I can understand of it - Daisuke just being a bit of a big dork about his favorite song (is he singing along while playing the song on his phone or music player, or just singing solo?) and Jaiden joining in for what I'm guessing is the chorus of the song. Characters just being a bit dorky makes them more endearing and gives them more chemistry with each other!
I was surprised at how open Daisuke was - he's often seemed like a fairly brooding, withdrawn type, but as soon as Jaiden asked to just hear something about him, he immediately launches into his issues with his dad and this one time his brother got arrested. Wonder if he's more willing to open up to Jaiden or if this is just stuff he'd discuss with anyone if they happened to ask.
Should've just killed him and told the public he was killed by police while armed and dangerous, Zwei...
Zwei is so very extra. I hope he ends up being taken down by his butler, it would be very funny.
Twenty-five thousand Pokémon is quite a lot! Needing that many for security sounds excessive. Like, if you put them in squads of 100 Pokémon each, you'd have 250 of those squads. I don't know how you could possibly find anything to do for that many Pokémon as security for a sports league.
I do enjoy just what a cackling villain Zwei is. He's over the top but I think that's exactly what you want in this story, which is generally very indulgent and about the sense of fun more than anything else.
This is a somewhat quieter chapter with a bit of downtime, but that's a nice thing to have for the characters. You're giving Jaiden a bit more backstory, establishing Daisuke's dad and a bit of intrigue around that, and letting the two of them have a bit of a real bonding moment, which is nice. We also learned enough about Daisuke's cousin Stephen for me to suspect we're going to be seeing him later... and therefore Dutch! Will be fun to see Daisuke with a Pokémon of his own that he cares for.
Glad you're still having fun with this!
I think something got misunderstood about prior reviews' commentary on punctuation; it seems like in this chapter you're consistently putting spaces both before and after the colon after the person's name. There should always be a space only after the colon, like so:
Something I didn't bring up before is that your narration is usually in the past tense, like "Jean prepared to retort but he was stopped by Daisuke" but sometimes in present tense, like "Alejandro leads the group to the meeting room. There they see multiple executives waiting for them." Generally, you'll want to pick one or the other and stick with it; it can get confusing when you keep swapping back and forth.
Something I didn't bring up before is that your narration is usually in the past tense, like "Jean prepared to retort but he was stopped by Daisuke" but sometimes in present tense, like "Alejandro leads the group to the meeting room. There they see multiple executives waiting for them." Generally, you'll want to pick one or the other and stick with it; it can get confusing when you keep swapping back and forth.
This is a pretty long sentence with three different independent clauses in it: they went on a boat to Unova but the captain turned out to be one of Zwei's agents and tried to kill them but Jaiden and her Pokémon managed to knock her off the ship. When the bits between conjunctions, like "and" and "but", could stand on their own as full sentences, you generally want to put a comma before the conjunction. But also, generally, if you've got that much going on in the sentence, it can be better to break it up somewhere in there, like, "The five of us then went on a boat to Unova, but the captain turned out to be one of Zwei's agents. She tried to kill us, but Jaiden and her Pokémon managed to knock her off the ship."
"It's", with an apostrophe, always stands for "it is". Since you wouldn't say "What was it is name again?", that's the wrong one here - you want "its", no apostrophe.
I think the "spikes ends" is a typo of some kind - presumably you mean "spiky ends" or just "spikes"? Also, when you've got a parenthetical expression like here about the pompadour, in the middle of a sentence, then you don't put a capital letter and period inside the parentheses - you'd just write it as, "This one time, some guy said that his hair (which is a pompadour with spikes at the back of the left and right sides) was a lump of shit stuck to his head and Kosuke got so mad that he started cursing the guy out before punching him in the face."
There should be a space between the period and the opening parenthesis in a situation like this, where an entire sentence is in parentheses after another sentence.
Punctuation going awry here - first you've got a semicolon instead of a colon, a space before it that shouldn't be there, and then a period with a space before it.
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Also, the song that Daisuke and Jaiden sing is called Kimi Dake o Mamoritai . The translation of the song's title from Japanese to English is "You Alone I Want To Protect". It's actually the first ending song of Ultraman Dyna. (You should watch it it's pretty good.) I put it there because it really fit the vibe of the scene. The song's also on Youtube if you want to listen to it. Keep in mind that there are multiple versions of the song though!