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Pokémon Heroes After All

HelloYellow17

Artsy Whimsical Nerd
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
Haha, I appreciate your intro line for Chapter 2. How DOES Aura work, anyway? Again, I haven't read any Aura Guardian fics, so this is all new information to me.

"Before you kids all crawl off to your barracks and attempt to get comfy," said Polly, "I've been put in charge of giving you a rundown of what you're here for, so sit your asses tight until I'm done!"


Aaron gulped.


"She said a bad word..." whispered one of the children.


"So," said Polly. "Can any of you brats tell me what Aura is?"


Lol! Poor innocent Aaron. He's such a cinnamon roll. Also, Polly may be gruff, and I don't love her decision to humiliate Aaron in front of everyone, but I still get the feeling I'll come to like her more and more.

"About humans!"


Riolu blinked. "What are those?"


Ginji shrugged. "On the immediately visible end, not much. Weird two-legged apes that aren't even Pokemon and only rarely even know any attacks of like... Four types. Some more cynical Pokemon say Arceus messed up some perfectly good monkey mons."

Hahaha what a great line. And it provides some insight that isn't usually touched upon - how DO Pokemon view humans? I mean, humans are pretty drastically different from Pokemon, so it would make sense that they're viewed as odd or even ugly and useless by some. xD

Ginji grabbed a stick and started drawing in the dirt. "Long ago, humans first came to this world, and they and Pokemon were divided. Then one day, in the Sinnoh region, there was a great meeting! One where humans and Pokemon came to terms, and decided to help and not hurt one another."


By now he had drawn a circle in the dirt.


"This agreement was known as The Vow; a promise to work toward humans and Pokemon being stronger together than apart."

Lore time, lore time!


"Anyway!" said Callie to Aaron. "Do you have a Pokemon?"


"Me?" said Aaron. "I don't... Always wanted one but could never make friends with one..."


"Mabye they just don't like your personality," said Louis.
"Well, if you weren't with us in the freak club before you certainly are now," said Louis.

OMG. I love Louis already, haha. I have a soft spot for the grumpy/blunt characters, and you write him so well. He also reminds me of Ray from The Promised Neverland, if you’ve ever seen that anime. (And if you haven’t, I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it! Anyways. Moving on….)


The Buneary gave a yell and tried to dodge, but the Force Palm managed to connect, causing them to fall over. Riolu recoiled from the empathic feedback, but pounced on the Buneary as they screamed, attempting to bite their throat. The Buneary suddenly gave a kick with their powerful legs and flipped the grappling Pokemon over so the Buneary was on top.


Instinctively, Riolu tried to kick the Buneary's side. Suddenly, Riolu's leg erupted into flame as he kicked the Buneary's torso with a sickening crack. The Buneary was sent flying with a pained scream before crashing, and trying to crawl and limp away. Riolu recovered from the empathetic shock and wondering what it was he'd even done before dashing over and giving a Force Palm straight to the Buneary's neck. He recoiled. The Buneary fell limp.


Riolu gasped and panted, clutching his body from the amount of feedback aches he felt. It was a while before he had recovered enough to slowly drag the Buneary out of the bushes.


Hmm, this is interesting! I've never thought about empathic energy playing into hunting before, but it makes sense. Also...how sad. I'm sure it's something that they get used to over time, but feeling the pain of your prey every time you hunt can't be very fun or pleasant…it could even be kind of traumatizing, honestly! But little Riolu adjusted surprisingly well, so that’s a relief.

Claws and teeth dug in, rending limbs in spurts of blood. Fire burnt into flesh, loosening it from bone.

Aight, I know I said I wasn’t a big fan of gore – which is still true -but this line is FANTASTIC. Very vivid, and definitely gives a proper sense of horror towards what’s happening here. Also…when I first read it, I thought it was just some mysterious, scary creature that attacked this Lucario out of the blue, but after reading it again…oh, no. Please tell me this wasn’t Riolu’s dad? And on that thought, even if it wasn’t Ginji, the fact that this involved fire might make the rest of the pack blame him anyways… OH NO.


Once again, good stuff here! I’m having a great time getting to know all of these new characters – they’re very distinct and have fun personalities, so I’m excited to get to know them more!
 

HelloYellow17

Artsy Whimsical Nerd
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
Back for more, let's get started!


Quickly she located Vince, who had just finished sorting some kids into their dorms. ~Vince?~ she said telepathically, ~Have you seen Polly?~


Kind of a side note, but maaaan, telepathy would be SO convenient. But also a pain in some ways, I imagine. Imagine having a friend who can speak telepathy but you can't. Oh boy. That would be frustrating.

From their staffs they summoned a Honchkrow and Gothitelle.

I know this is introduced in the movie, but I love seeing it used more often here! I'm curious, is this an age before pokeballs, or is the staff containment method just a specific Aura Guardian thing? Either way, I think it's super cool and love seeing it used.

Immediately Lovegood threw up a Protect. Henry dived in for a Night Slash as Vince conjured his own Night Slash blades. Carol hit the dragon's brain with a psychic assault while Ryan's Swampert and Ryan himself both hit it with Brick Breaks.


The dragon was pummeled by the group assault and let out another screech. Through the portal came several smaller purple creatures with spouts on their heads, and all sprayed toxic sludge in the direction of the Aura Guardians.


Vince cut through the incoming sludge with his blades, while Carol and Lovegood deflected it with psychic power. Ryan, his Swampert, and Henry weren't so lucky,being doused in sticky fluid.

A fight scene in which both humans and Pokemon are fighting? YES, please! I love fights like this, and sadly, I just don't see them very often in the world of Pokemon fics. It's refreshing and exciting to see it here, and to know that this will pretty much be a constant in the fights to come.

~Okay! Afterwards we can talk lesson plans!~ said Carol.

LOL, Carol just fought off a beast from another dimension and she's already back to planning lessons. I love it. I like her character already. Also, teachers in 2020 be like..."yeah the world's on fire, now next lesson."


It was then Aaron noticed a shadow looming overhead. With dread he looked up. There was a blonde boy with spiky hair standing on the head of a massive Onix above him, crossing his arms and giving a not exactly friendly smug smile down.

Oh, greaaaaat. Not only does the bully have a pokemon, but it just happens to be a massive ONIX, of all the things. Lovely. ALthough, it doesn't seem Onix is on board with this kid's shenanigans. Interesting dynamic, there.


"Why does she only talk like that?"



"She's mute," Louis said, whispering. "Can't speak with her mouth. Can't hear that well either. Something about an incident with a Pangoro. Don't know the rest, don't really care."


Oooh! A mute/partially deaf character? YES! I love the representation! This only serves to make me love Carol more!

Polly suddenly got in Aaron's face with a wicked grin. "They eat them!"


Aaron screamed. And screamed, and screamed, and screamed for an unusually long time until Polly said "Kid, relax, relax, they're not going to get you."



LOL Polly is such a troll, I love it. Meanwhile, poor Aaron is gonna be traumatized by her antics before long.


She and her Pokemon headed down the mountain, the children and their Pokemon heading after. Aaron followed along quietly for a while, then noticed another kid didn't have a Pokemon partner either. Aaron moved closer to him and noticed he not only had pink hair but pink clothes as well.

"Excuse me-"


The other child turned his head toward Aaron, holding a finger to his lips and winking. Aaron blinked. A Pokemon made a noise in the forest, causing Aaron's attention to turn to it briefly; when he turned back the other child was gone.

Oh HOLD UP, is this Mew?! Hahahaha I love it!! Mew is one of my favorite Pokemon of all time, so I'm excited to see them in action here! And I love the mischevious nature of Mew - this is going to be SO much fun!


"Right. By the time anyone sees or Aura Senses it it's too late, but scorch marks on the remains it leaves behind indicate it's a Fire type. Therefore..."


He pointed toward Ginji. "You're probably our best bet for taking it down."

Ginji pointed to himself. "Me? And I thought you all didn't want me doing anything important."


"Those are the ignorant words of my children and their mates. This pack is family. No matter what."


Rilou's mother beamed.The other Lucario mumbled amongst themselves.

Well, this is refreshing to see that not EVERYONE in the pack hates Ginji. If the leader seems to accept him, why doesn't everyone else? I also just noticed that Ginji is the only one with an official name, probably because he's the only one who has had a trainer. Nice detail!

However, I just KNOW this mission is not going to end well...someone is going to die, aren't they?



A yell echoed. Ginji stood at attention. Riolu's mother bolted upright.


"Riolu! Stay here!" said his mother.


"We'll take care of this!" said Ginji.


They bolted off.


Riolu, naturally, waited a bit before following.

Nope, nope, NOPE. This isn't going to end well, I just KNOW it -

Oh, never mind. I was wrong. I was so sure both of Riolu's parents were going to die here while he watched. Glad that wasn't the case!

It was then he noticed the ball had landed next to the disfigured corpses of an Aura Guardian and his Sawsbuck. The corpses had suffered various forms of abuse - fire, crushing, acid - and seemed relatively fresh. A Murkrow was in the process of plucking an eye from the Aura Guardian's skull and promptly swallowed it before eyeing Aaron warily.


Aaron stared in horror before vomiting the contents of his lunch earlier that day, forming a puddle next to the bodies, and after regaining his bearings slightly grabbing the ball and racing back to the monastery. As soon as he got back he haphazardly tossed the ball back to the other children - much to their confusion- before going to find Polly. Polly was reading on a bench in the monastery when Aaron found her. "Kid, what's up?" she said. "Why are you out of breath?"

Oh, YIKES. Poor Aaron is not going to forget that horrifying image for a long time. I'll be surprised if he doesn't end up having some sort of trauma from it.

Yep, called it. Not surprising he had a nightmare that night, but it doesn't seem like it was just ANY nightmare...hmm. What does Yveltal want with him?

Aaron jumped before realizing that the voice was not Yveltal's but that of Polly's Metagross next to him. ~Polly wanted me to check up on you after yesterday and, well, I always feel sorry for you humans easily.~

Haha I love Metagross, he has a fun personality. His dry sense of humor is enjoyable.

Ginji placed a talon on Riolu's paw. "Son... You're gonna do big things beyond this pack... I just know it.... Do... Me... Proud..."


"D-dad..."


Ginji said no more. He fell limp.

Well, FRICK. I saw this coming, but that doesn't make it any less depressing. Also, can we talk about the fact that Ginji SAVED a member of their pack, fought alongside them to get rid of the threat, literally DIED trying to keep them safe, and...they still reject his mate and son? So much for gratitude. Riolu can absolutely do better, and good riddance. Now go find Aaron, little guy!
 

HelloYellow17

Artsy Whimsical Nerd
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
Oh, hey. I'm back :D

I skipped over your bonus chapter as I wasn't sure it was a part of the story, and...I'm not familiar with FE, sadly. :( I hope that's ok!


Aaron was looking around the monastery, trying to find someone who could help him in his quest. Those he did find, however, either did not acknowledge him or said "sorry"or the like before moving on. Finally, however, he found Callie and Munchkin.
Callie eventually pulled out a bottle of swirling black liquid.


"It's my special Necrozma tonic! Made it myself."


"...This will help me get stronger?"


"Yep! Improves the cons... cons... Constitution!"

Oh. Oh, dear. Lol I love Callie, she's probably my favorite of the kids, but oh man, this just screams BAD IDEA. xD


"Oh, ground up Beedrill thorax, Goodra slime, essence of Oddish leaf, eye of Sobble... you know, the works!" said Callie, grinning and displaying her unusually pointy teeth.


"...Why?"


"For Necrozma!"


"I uh, think I might need to find some other way," Aaron said, heading off.


OMG that's actually horrifying hahaha. Good on Aaron for nope-ing right out of that one!


~That's awfully vague..." said Eve. "You need a more coherent goal than that. Like how I don't want my powers to-~


She stopped.


"To what?"


"Never mind."


Aaron blinked. Why wasn't she using telepathy anymore?


Hmmm I'm getting lots of hints about these kids' backstories. They all seem to come from drastically different backgrounds, so it makes sense! Can't wait to learn more about each of them, and their Pokemon, too.


"Not literally. Just... Be more assertive."


"Insertive?"


"No. Like... If someone gives you a hard time, don't just take it. Give them a hard time back and make them back off."


"I can do that?" said Aaron, his eyes lighting up.


Aaron, you adorable little cinnamon roll, you. I freaking love you.


"Hey loser!"


Gabriel stood up, glowering, then turned to the source of the voice. There, standing proudly, was Aaron. With a pile of pebbles.


"You... You smell! You're the smelliest! Yeah!"


Gabriel gave a mirthless chuckle. "Pathetic."


Oh. xD Oh, Aaron. Not like that. Haha I love that Gabriel wasn't even remotely fazed by this.

He looked about fourteen, with very fine clothing, all in various shades of pink. Long pink hair framed blue eyes and a yourhful face. And... was that a tail? It looked illusory, like it wasn't even there.

MEW TIME MEW TIME LET'S GO


"Yeah! Though not as good as the Rotan kids. Those guys are loaded! Like my Rotan noble getup by the way? They're suckers for it." The boy started for a second. "Oh, by the way? Name's Mithos."


"Why do you collect toys, Mithos?"


"Where I live? I get bored. Real bored. Human toys are my go-to for fixing that."


"Oh, neat!" said Aaron.

LOL I love that Mithos is so obviously not human, from his powers to his TAIL to the way he talks about humans, and Aaron is just like "okay! :3" Also, I love Mithos already. So excited to see more of him!

"See him? That's Andalas. Legendarily grouchy Rhyperior. If you're not afraid of a Scyther surely giving him a poke isn't too scary."


Aaron gulped. "That's... That's diff-"


He shook his head. "I can do that! Just you watch!"


"Good luck," said Louis, snickering. "You're gonna need it."

Aaron, I'm gonna teach you a wonderful word called "NO". It'll come in handy, trust me on this.

~Anyway, I'm not just here to save your ass from Andalas. Class with Polly is soon.~


"Oh! I forgot! Thank you for reminding me!"


He made to move off, then stopped and turned back to Metagross.


"Which way?"


There was a long, drawn-out mental sigh.


~...Follow me.~

Metagross has such tired Dad energy and I live for it haha. Also...it's just occurred to me that Polly's Pokemon don't seem to have nicknames? But the kids' companions do? I wonder what the reason for that is?


"Metagross has been with Time Flower Abbey as long as I can remember. His species lives a very long time. I... I didn't actually choose him as my partner Pokemon. He chose me. After-"

Hmmmm more backstory hints?

Guess I'm not the only one who wanted to escape... but... things haven't changed much...

Aw, poor baby. Even among kids who are more like him, he's still an outcast and a misfit. I just wanna hug him. :(

Riolu paused, looked at the human, then at the apples, then at the human, then at the apples again. Then he grabbed one and ran.

LOL that's one way to do it, I suppose!

"And I am Koba the Infernape, the leader of this little band. We call ourselves... The Wonderful Fighting Thieves."


"The humans provide and we take anything we want!" said Shifty.


"And we work together to do it!" said Grog.

Huh! I was...admittedly not expecting Riolu to get caught up in a different group of characters, least of all a group of thieving Pokemon, but I like it! It will be interesting to see what shenanigans he gets up to with this group, and how this will eventually lead to him meeting Aaron.

More great chapters! I'll be chipping away at the rest over the course of the month. So far, I'm really enjoying your characterization of all the various characters you've introduced, especially the misfit kids that Aaron hangs out with.
 

HelloYellow17

Artsy Whimsical Nerd
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
Here we go! I’m officially all caught up on your story — which sucks, because it’s on a heckin cliff hanger and now I have to wait! D: Nooooo

Polly herself was fine. Fine. She'd dealt with worse.

Hmm yes, you’re definitely “fine” and not just trying to convince yourself that you are. Certainly. Lol


~Are you OK dear?~ said Carol.


"Don't call me dear. And I'm fine."

Is Carol the Mom Friend? Carol is the Mom Friend. I love her even more now. Every cast of characters should have a Mom Friend, haha. Bless them.


"It's because our potential culprit to those murders was literally right in my face and we still haven't gotten any further than that!"


~Polly, calm down,~ said Metagross.


Dunsparce hissed worriedly.


"I'm fine," said Polly.

Yes, you’re certainly fine. Definitely. Not having sudden, angry outbursts at all. Nooope.
side note, though, I love me some rough around the edges characters that always insist that they are fine. Makes for some fun dynamics and leaves a lot of room for some good character growth!


"...Yes. You were born to a noble house. A rival lord's Pangoro beat you. You survived, but lost your voice and much of your hearing and your family disowned you for it. You've had a hatred for the rich since."

Honestly? Good on Carol for being angry at the PEOPLE and for not, you know, hating all Pangoro because of what happened. I mean, sure, she might have some trauma and struggle with being around Pangoro in general, but it doesn’t sound like she places any blame on them.

"Not even because that," said Vince. "Because I wasn't even a very good Obscuric. Even after I finally ran away and found the monastery it took years for me to get to where I am today. And in the meantime... everyone picked on me. Except you two. And... I still don't feel like I'm good enough."

Aw, poor Vince. Sounds like he and Aaron have pretty similar backgrounds. I feel like they should chat.

"I feel sorry for that Aaron kid," said Vince. "He was in the same boat I was."

Oh, he realizes this, too! I really want some Vince and Aaron scenes, now. Gimme that wholesome content.

~Our lives, Hannah,~ said Carol. ~It involves lots of suffering. Join us.~


"Ooh, uh, well, I stubbed my toe earlier if you're talking about suffering!"

TFW the pure/naive character tries to relate to the angsts ones. Haha! In all honesty though, she seems like a good bean.

Two Aura Guardians walked into a bar.

I don’t know why, but this just made me giggle haha. It reads like the beginning of a joke and now I really want to know how this hypothetical joke would play out, lol.

Polly looked around. There were various humans and Pokemon in the bar, in varying states of drunkenness. A man was passed out in his chair. A Gardevoir was drunkenly floating around hiccuping. A Spinda was actually walking straight for once.

Oh?? Pokemon can have alcohol, too? I’m very curious about how people and Pokémon live and work together in this world, and I’ve seen a few glimpses. I’m excited to see more, too, because this aspect of the Pokémon world has always intrigued me and I love seeing how different authors interpret it. So Pokémon can get wasted and that’s seen as totally normal, here. Interesting! Also, “A Spinda was walking straight for once” brought me SO much joy to read, hahaha! That line was brilliant, I love it.


"This is Madam Sprout."

👀 Professor Sprout? Is that you??

Two Aura Guardians walked into a completely different bar.

Another joke?? (I kid, I kid. But seriously, I need an Aura Guardian joke to exist now.)

Polly gave Terrence a look. Beo she could tolerate, but this guy just waltzing right in with his mental reinforcements and making himself at home?


~Are you sure about this guy Ryan? I can't read him. That's bad.~


~As far as I can tell he means no harm and is just as invested in this case as we are. Give him a chance.~


~...Fine.~

Hmmm I dunno, I’m kinda with Polly on this one. He seems...kinda shady? And I don’t fully believe his explanation? Can’t help but feel like he’s got some hidden ulterior motive up his sleeve, though I’m not sure why. Perhaps I’m just paranoid.



He and Shifty had just commandeered a pile of bananas (which were apparently different from Nanab Berries) and going to town on them.

Haha I love that you made a distinction between Nanab berries and bananas.

"...What are pirates?"


"Thieves like us but on a boat!"


"...A boat?"


"It's... I'll explain later. Just know it was awesome."

Riolu, what an innocent bean you are, I love you. Also, I like that you’re taking into account Riolu’s very limited knowledge of the world. Many stories tend to gloss over that and assume each characters knows as much as the reader would, but that often isn’t the case. Of course Riolu wouldn’t know what a ship is or what pirates are!


"The good news," said Grog, perking up. "Was that I wasn't very good at it. I was too polite. I would always yell "Sneak Attack!" before I struck my foe."

Bwahaha, is this an ATLA reference? I can’t help but think of Sokka when reading that line. (And if you haven’t seen ATLA, I strongly suggest you drop everything and go watch it on Netflix right NOW. That show is top tier.)


"You see, Riolu... Humans can very well make Pokemon stronger, smarter, greater. But the human always wants something out of the bargain. If you are to make a pact with one you must know the risks."


I appreciate that Kona recognizes some benefits from working with humans, even if his perspective is rather skewed (and understandably so). As sad as it is, it’s a good thing hes teaching this to Riolu, too, and that Riolu didn’t end up in the grasp of a human who would take advantage of him, too; he’s very naive and all he knows of humans is his father’s very positive opinion of them, so it would be all too easy for him to get taken advantage of. Koba’s influence is actually kind of a good one here, to teach him caution and not to automatically trust any human he comes across.

"You should make a sacrifice to Necrozma so they can send you one!" said Callie. "Light for the light god! Crystals for the crystal throne!"

oh, Callie. I missed you.

"Do you want to be my friend?" said Aaron.


"Wynaut!"


"Really?! Oh this is great, I finally have a Pokemon par-"

Hahaha I KNOW this joke, and I should have been prepared for it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t see it coming and it was great.


Now sore, stung, and with sludge stains in his clothes, Aaron stumbled to a patch of grass a bit away from Time Flower Abbey. It was then he saw a Mareep. Aaron thought to himself for a bit. If asking directly didn't work maybe he could catch it...


He snuck closer to the Mareep. They kept grazing. He leapt to tackle them, and immediately got shocked, stumbling back. Aaron was now staring down a very angry Mareep.

Welp. Rip. A Mareep was probably most likely to listen to him, too, if he’d tried to approach it normally.

He had come to Time Flower Abby as an escape. But it had changed nothing. He was still unwanted. Still singled out.

Ohhh poor baby, I want to hug him. I relate to this poor kid so much, as I was also an outcast And picked on for most of my childhood. The fact that you mentioned Aaron as a reflection of your childhood, especially as an autistic kid, really does reflect well, and it just hits home extra close to me, as an aspie myself. Just...all the hugs for all the spectrum kids. (Or no hugs, since not all of us like those. XD)

There were gasps and murmurs among the group, except Riolu, who kind of just raised an eyebrow, and Vallant, who scoffed.

So Riolu doesn’t have a name, even though the rest of the crew does! Interesting, I wonder if this is a choice of his?

Finally, they emerged in an empty room, filled with boxes of food, including a bag of apples that had been recently ripped into, a sticky glue-like substance left behind.

glue-like substance? Purple alien creature Was here, maybe?

"And make noise? That tells peoplemons we're here?" said Nicolas.

I love that he calls them peoplemon, haha.

Riolu approached the human. The human slowly looked up from his lurching position and his expression turned from one of anger to one of wonder and curiosity. Riolu gulped. He should probably keep this formal...


~...I ask of you. Will you be my master?~

OOOOOH IT’S HAPPENING IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL


Chapter 10: I Just Met You And I Love You

oh this chapter title is SO sweet. All the feels.


"Doubt." said Atta.

ATTA REALLY SAID, “Press X to doubt.” LOL. Honestly, I don’t blame her.

Terrence looked around. "This place. It's huge. And It seems like it's been around a long time. How'd it get here?"

Polly raised an eyebrow. "Why do you want to know?"

Terrence gave her a look and shrugged his shoulders. "I mean. I've been staying here long enough and I ought to know more about this place. Plus I'm just curious."

hmmm. HMMM. More prying questions? I don’t like it. I’ve got my eye on you, shady dude.


He pulled down his collar to reveal a tattoo on his shoulder. One of two Corvinight mauling each other.

Vince scowled. "Damn Kalosian noble families. Pieces of work, all of them." He blinked, shook his head, and shrugged. "No offense of course."

Oh? So Lois was a noble? And an abused kid, poor baby. :( Seems like most Aura guardians ended up at the monastery to escape the rest of the world and To find refuge.

Louis nodded, then scrambled off. Vince turned back to the strange figure.

"Now... Who the hell are you?"

Well, frick. Vince BETTER not die, because I still want an Aaron and Vince scene, and I like Vince, he’s pretty cool. Get that cliffhanger outta my face.
 

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. custom/chikorita-saltriv
I'm here to write a review on chapter 2, to try and make up for my overly critical review of chapter 1!

First of all, I have to say that I like this chapter title! It's only one word, but gets the point across of what's going to happen to Aaron in this chapter!

Now onto the chapter itself! I really like the description here at the beginning. It's foreign, vivid, and overwhelming, encapsulating exactly what Aaron must be feeling right here. Nicely done!

If the previous chapter didn't establish Polly's personality, this one does, and it does so excellently. Within just a few lines of dialogue, you cement her as someone who's not afraid in the slightest to speak exactly what's on her mind, and is very passionate about the arts of aura.

"She said a bad word..." whispered one of the children.

I like this line. It helps show just how young these kids that have been dragged here are.

The scene where Aaron attempts to attack Polly is quite good. It shows the contrast between the two, that Aaron is woefully inexperienced, and that Polly is skilled enough to take him down with extreme ease.

"You'd be dead the moment you cross any human or Pokemon enough, powers or no."

This line reads a bit awkwardly for me. It feels like there's supposed to be something between "Pokemon" and "enough". Maybe you could stick "skilled" or "strong" in there, or something along those lines?

Ooh, and we get to see communication between Aaron and a Pokemon for the first time in this story! I like how you use tildes to denote telepathy.

Now we switch perspectives to the Pokemon in the forest! I find it very interesting that these Pokemon are being taught about humans.

I really like this section! We get to see what Pokemon's opinions on humans are like, lore about trainers, and some backstory for Ginji. All very well done!

Overall, I really liked this chapter! It helps establish a lot of things, and clear up others!

Again, I'm really sorry for being so harsh in my last review. I hope this makes up for it.
 

IFBench

Rescue Team Member
Location
Pokemon Paradise
Partners
  1. custom/chikorita-saltriv
I'm here to review chapter 3 of this!

Interesting. Seems all the Aura guardians, or at least a lot of them, are very no-nonsense like Polly.

Finally it was Aaron's turn.

Very small nitpick, but I feel like this would flow better if there was a comma after "Finally".

I also feel like you could maybe show a few other kids being sorted before Aaron, to emphasize how long it takes, and introduce the higher-up rooms. I had no idea they existed until Aaron mentioned them, or what was so special about them.

A few more grammar nitpicks:

"It's... All right?" said Aaron. "Are we gonna live together now?"

I feel like "All" shouldn't be capitalized here, but I might be wrong.

"Yeah duh. We aren't the only ones though."

I suggest adding a comma after "Yeah" to make it flow a bit better.

These are both very minor nitpicks, so follow them at your discretion.

Back to the story, I quite like how you had the dialogue tags disappear to add to the surprise and confusion of the third person in Aaron's room showing up. Nicely done!

Very interesting. So there's a cult around Necrozma. I wonder how that'll play into the story.

Oh dear. Even here, seems like Aaron can't escape being called a freak. I feel sorry for him.

Oh boy. Seems like this Riolu doesn't like killing.

Seems like he also has Blaze Kick as an egg move from his mother's side! Interesting!

Oh dear. Looks like Riolu's father is getting an earful from who I might think might be the leader of the pack.

And now their entire family has been labeled by freaks, just like Aaron is. The two sides of the story are starting to grow alike.

Interesting. Seems like something is after someone in the pack, and the old Lucario is its first victim. I'm intrigued to see how this plays out.

Overall, a great chapter that begins to tie the two sides of the story together, and leaves lots of intrigue with the Necrozma cult and the entity that attacked the old Lucario.

I look forward to reading more!
 

WildBoots

Don’t underestimate seeds.
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. custom/moka-mark
  2. solrock
Hey, Umbra! Here for your Blitz prize--thanks for being part of the Blitz! I'm responding to Chapter 4 and the bonus chapter. I've got some overall thoughts up top, and I set aside some small nitpicky things in the spoiler in case you want those another time.

That said--

This is a tie-in to the Missing Mod Madness event on the Serebii.net forums.
I know nothing about this, so I'll do my best!

Psychic Aura Guardian
Oh, I hadn't realized aura came in multiple types? Since this is lucario's signature thing, I assumed it was all fighting-type.

Shortly after they left a purple creature popped its head out of the bushes and proceeded to follow their trail.
!!
This was probably the juciest part of that bonus chapter! If that's canon, does that mean a poipole is still stalking the academy? That would've been nice to hint at to parallel the lucarios' situation with the charizard.

Some old art I haven't shared in this thread yet:
Aww, these are lovely! Their metagross drawing is especially on-point.

It seemed to stare back.
What a mood. This gives a sense of the pressure Aaron is feeling. Also, big Undertale vibes!

"...Good grief," he said.
Oh, hey, Charlie Brown.

Eve... Weird. She was lying on the ground clutching her head, with Iuroidea tending to her. Did she trip too? Maybe-
Wow, nice to see Aaron actually empathizing with one of his teammates. We never learned what happened, though! Too, bad. I was hoping this would be a bonding moment for them, a break from everyone sniping at each other.

Ha! Too easy," said Gabriel. "Let's try some more." A strange construct that seemed to resemble a Psyshock but spear-shaped appeared by his shoulder and fired down at Aaron, with Aaron yelping and rolling over to avoid it. "You're a fun one. Most people just run away and I have to bother chasing them. Not that that isn't funny either."
We need a teacher over here!

"No."

"Good! The Necrozmaists say adversity builds character!"
This is a funny beat. Nice.

~Can you give these kids a scare again?~
Wow, literally no one is being nice to the kids. They're really at the mercy of a bunch of teachers who don't seem to like them! :c

~As you can see,~ said Carol, ~Type matchups - as well as things like Trainer and Pokemon creativeness and cleverness - are what really makes a battle. Not Pokemon strength.~
Though this is a nice beat to get, especially in contrast to Mean Kid lording his strength over everyone else.

"Long ago, the people and Pokemon of Kanto and Johto suffered a great famine. They begged the gods for help, and their calls were heeded by a Legendary from another land, who created the Tree to ward off famine and pestilence. Its crystals absorb energy from sunlight, and its roots as a result fertilize Kanto, Johto, and beyond. The ecosystem around here depends on it."
Oh, interesting lore! (Does this mean the roots run underwater, or? I actually don't remember which region we're in, either.) This seems like really important knowledge for people to have, so it's too bad the aura guardians seem to have exclusive control over it.

Dunsparce gave a hissy, irritated "sparce".


~For your information I do not mention that every time Legendaries come up, thank you very much.~
Ha, cute that these two have a bond. Creates a sense of history between them.

Aaron followed along quietly for a while, then noticed another kid didn't have a Pokemon partner either. Aaron moved closer to him and noticed he not only had pink hair but pink clothes as well.

"Excuse me-"


The other child turned his head toward Aaron, holding a finger to his lips and winking. Aaron blinked. A Pokemon made a noise in the forest, causing Aaron's attention to turn to it briefly; when he turned back the other child was gone.
This is a really cool, intriguing moment! It is weird that only Aaron seems not to have a pokemon already, so I'm curious to see how people treat this other person compared to him. Seems like Aaron might've been thinking the same thing and wanting to make a connection. I think you could've leaned into that even more! What is Aaron thinking or wondering about them? It might just be the juxtaposition with the next scene talking about a stalking pokemon, but I wondered if this person maybe was a pokemon in disguise. A ditto or zoroark maybe? I don't know what to make of the pink.

"I trust you, Dad."
Aww. A nice moment.

So Aaron is maybe slowly starting to learn some things, and Riolu's pack is in a bit of trouble.

I wish I had a sense of how close Aaron and Riolu are to each other--does Riolu live somewhere in the shade of the massive tree or in the nearby woods? It would add more tension Riolu's scenes for me if I knew how real the possibility of accidentally running into Aaron was. Aaron has a lot more agency and control, which makes his scenes a little more interesting for me. But Riolu has a clear motivation--he wants to help the pack--in a way Aaron doesn't. It would be great to see the strengths of each of their situations applied to each others' scenes! It's also nice that the elder lucario seems to be advocating for Riolu--it seems like he's the only adult of any species who isn't a parent and isn't a jerk! I'm glad that Riolu at least has support from his parents. Too bad Aaron doesn't seem to be getting any support.

I guess by the time they actually meet, they'll each be pretty powerful on their own, so that's cool. It's really clear to me how Aaron would benefit from having a riolu partner--he's so obviously the odd one out--but I'm not sure yet what Riolu would get from partnering with him! I hope we get some indications of that before they're jammed together!

I'm most interested in the mystery of the pink person. We really don't know much about them yet, but it seems like it must be important since they vanished in such a strange way and since their situation seems to maybe mirror Aaron's? Definitely weird either way.

GRAMMAR
~Vince you terrible wizard I already did,.~
~Vince, you terrible wizard, I already did.~
Dragon Pulse"Let me guess, need something?" said Ryan.
Oops.

You two and your Pokemon come with me."
You two and your pokemon--come with me."
OR
You two, come with me."

You two is subbing in for their names here, so the same rules for names in dialogue apply here. When you're calling someone, the name is offset with commas. Examples:
"Hey, Jerry, come here!"
"Sonia, do you think flowers are pretty?"
"What is it, Lassie?"

Also, it's kinda weird to me that he doesn't address the pokemon, too, since it's clear they're pretty intelligent and sapient in this setting.

the A Dragon Pulse was shot in Ryan's direction.
Oops, a sequel.

Henry weren't so lucky,being doused in sticky fluid.
Missing space.

Suddenly another portal opened and from it emerged Polly and her Metagross and Dunsparce.
Since this is a list of three, it would read more smoothly as and from it emerged Polly, Metagross, and Dunsparce.

A glowing blue and white webbed portal
I assumed the portal is webbed with white and blue rather than being white and blue and full of spiderwebs, in which case, it should read a glowing blue- and white-webbed portal.

"Got drafted into solving some weird crisis in another world. Stuff about living stories and people called "mods.""
When you use quotes inside of quote, they should either be single quotes or simply italicized without quotes.

~It's a long story we'll have to explain when we get back,~ said Metagross.
This is two sentences jammed together.

~It's a long story. We'll have to explain when we get back,~ said Metagross.

Chapter 4: All In The Type
In titles, words like the are not capitalized.

"Lean down a little will you girl?"
"Lean down a little, will you, girl?"

~Thanks!~ said Carol, and she, Becky, and her Gothitelle Lovegood exited.
her Gothitelle, Lovegood, exited.
Otherwise you're saying that she has more than one gothitelle.

~Told you you shouldn't have done that~ said Metagross. ~Even if it was funny.~
~Told you you shouldn't have done that,~ said Metagross.

or 0 Skybreak.
It's weird for a numeral not to be written out in formalized narration. I read this as an O at first.

Rilou's mother beamed.The other Lucario
Missing space.

"Certainly." said Ginji.
The period should be a comma--the dialogue tag is part of the sentence that begins in quotes.

Think they're apex predators of wherever they claim territory of.
Think they're apex predators of whatever territory they claim.

OTHER NOTES
and had several things in mind. Grass vs. Poison, Ice vs. Flying, and oh, her favorite, Psychic vs. Fighting... She needed to show her friend Polly!
Doesn't Polly already know this stuff? Also, since this is a list, a colon instead of a period after mind would make these sentences flow a little more nicely.

She looked in empty domrorotories, in the cafeteria, in the library... Nothing. No sign of her.
Typo aside, emphasizing the emptiness of the dormitories is weird--if they're empty, she knows Polly isn't there. Try:
She looked in dormitories, the cafeteria, the library... All empty. There was no sign of her.

This was bad. She needed to find someone.
It wasn't totally clear to me why this was especially bad. Is it Polly's job to stay on campus? What exactly does Carol need her for? And she needs to find someone to ...? Help her find Polly? Help her with her lesson plans? None of this is quite clear right now.

"Last I heard she was giving these brats their initiation," said Vince. "Why?"
I'd like to see Carol react to her calling them brats! That's really harsh, and she sounds so excited to present her lesson plans to the students--she should feel some type of way about him speaking so negatively of these literal children.

"Ah fuck," said Vince.


~Language,~ said Carol.


"Look, that's not the point," said Vince. "Maybe Ryan knows where she went to."


Carol thought to herself a bit. Ryan was the leader of the Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians. If anyone knew where Polly was, it would be him.
So, I wasn't sure if this was intentional or not but what this sounds like to me is that Vince is implying that Polly and Ryan are sleeping together and that's why he might know where she is.

It's worth knowing that I wasn't sure what Ryan's role was. Is he their boss, their peer, or what?

Henry needled Ryan's Swampert with taunting jeers, which the Swampert ignored.
I already do not remember who Henry is--these introductions are so quick and we don't know anything about these characters except their names!

~Other worlds?~ said Carol. ~Do those even exist?~
Didn't you just see a bunch of portals, Carol?

He looked around at the other kids and their Pokemon preparing.
What does it mean for them to be preparing? Help me visualize it more!

doing decent damage to the dummy.
Again, what does this look like? What does the dummy look like afterward?

Louis and Rook were slicing up a dummy, Callie and Munchkin were pelting one with Obscura bolts and fire, Atta and Stabby were gnawing and stabbing at one, and Eve... Weird. She was lying on the ground clutching her head, with Iuroidea tending to her.
Again, I don't remember who most of these characters are, especially with that bonus interlude in between.

He dropped Aaron and stormed off,
That's it? After all his bluster, his threats really evaporated into nothing. Would've been really nice to see a teacher or (maybe even better!) one of his new friends coming to the rescue.

Munchkin hissed at her in agreement.
If it's agreeing, then it probably isn't hissing at her, right? Try:
Munchkin hissed in agreement.

"Why does she only talk like that?"



"She's mute," Louis said, whispering. "Can't speak with her mouth. Can't hear that well either. Something about an incident with a Pangoro. Don't know the rest, don't really care."
1. This is a cool backstory--nice to see how characters of differing abilities fit into this world!
2. I don't think Aaron has seen enough of her to know she only talks "like that," though. Suggestion: "Why doesn't she just talk normally?"
3. Don't know don't care? Really? Feels like an excuse to leave out information, lol. If nothing else, this could be a moment to let Aaron be curious and ask questions, even if he doesn't get answers. Otherwise, this kinda falls flat.
4. Extra space!

~Good girl,~ said Carol exclusively to the Salamence,
I would hope it's exclusive to the salamence, because otherwise she'd be saying it to her coworker instead?? You can trim out that redundancy.

~But!~ said Carol. ~You will learn more in subsequent lessons! For now, you've got a history lesson with Polly! Now shoo, shoo!~
This feels like a really weird place to end the lesson. That like going, "Biology is the foundation of life--okay, bye!" without at least doing some punnet squares or something. She could pass out homework, she could arrange them into pairs for sparring, she could quiz them ... and since the reader already knows type match-ups, you could summarize it all. A sentence or two would do it, but we need something other than her just booting them out of class.

Kids who have heard it before, don't try to sum it up please."
Why not send the advanced students elsewhere and have this group just be the new kids?

Polly sighed. "Anyway, the other hazard of the Tree is the Mew that lives there. The Tree can't sustain itself, so the Legendary created a lesser Legendary, a Mew, to keep it in balance. But the Mew is... Mischievous. It's known to cause a ruckus and spirit objects and even Pokemon away to the Tree."
Why are we specifying Mew but leaving the main "Legend" unnamed?

~Legendaries in general aren't to be trusted.~
I wasn't sure who was saying this at first since you have several characters who can communicate in this way and there was no context to tell us who was speaking.

Any questions?'


The children were silent.
I can't tell how old these kids are. In my 7-10 year old classes, they always have questions of some kind and they're often irrelevant, so this didn't ring true to me.

"How long has it been stalking us?"


"Days, now. Ever since it first killed one of our own, possibly further."
It's kinda odd to me that some of the lucario wouldn't know how long they were being stalked. Don't they all have aura?

And some grammar/word choice nitpicks:
"Days now. Ever since it first killed one of our own, possibly longer."

"How much do you know, kid?"
This feels like not the most pertinent question to me, TBH. It seems like others in the pack don't take him seriously anyway, and this seems to be information that the pack at large already has. A better question, IMHO, would be "What are you doing sneaking around?"

Riolu, naturally, waited a bit before following.
This is a great beat! I think it would be stronger if you reworded it to emphasize his sneakiness, though:
Riolu waited a bit and then, naturally, he followed.
OR
Naturally, Riolu waited a bit ... and then he followed.

"Powerful critters.
Critter feels like a weird word for a creature that is a) so large! and b) presumably as intelligent as they are? Again, wild pokemon seem perfectly sapient in this setting, and we've already seen that Ginji can be perfectly understood by pokemon outside his own species. I don't see why a charizard would be different.

They ran off into the night as well. Riolu quickly headed back to the cave, where the rest of the pack would be nearby.
This isn't the strongest place to end that I could imagine. It feels like there's supposed to be more here. It would be nice to get an indication of what Riolu is feeling. What does he think about the charizard? Is he worried about his parents? We know he wants to help somehow--does he have ideas about how?

Hope these thoughts were helpful! Good luck writing your next chapter!
 

SinderellaWrites

Angry Female Protag
Location
In Guzma's Closet
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. custom/sylveon-shiny
Hey Umbra! Here for catnip! I don't know how to budget my time so I only had the chance to read chapter one.

I know you mentioned what you wanted feedback on, so I'm going to do my best to mainly focus on those things. However, the critiques I have go hand-in-hand with one another.

So, I really like the idea of humans being able to harness the power of Pokemon, even if it isn't as "specialized" so to speak. These Aura Guardians seem really neat, and I'm kind of rooting for Aaron as he goes on this quest to hone his aura gift. But I'm also interested in what's going to go down with this particular Riolu...is it going to meet up with Aaron? And the two become partners?! I'm assuming so, because it was mentioned Aaron's "aura" airs on the side of Fighting types, and of course, this is a Riolu we're talking about here...it's a very nice, very intriguing setup!

Where I do think you need some tuning up lies in a mixture of the characterization and worldbuilding, and that definitely goes hand in hand with the way you're describing things. Let me explain:

I noticed that the first chapter is almost entirely dialogue. Things seem to happen solely in the dialogue, and maybe in the short breaks between it as you mention what the characters are doing as they speak. That's about it. There was very little exposition, very little "character thought process," that's where I think everything starts to fall flat. It gives off a rushed pacing, it ends up reading like kind of an information dump, and I'm left really wondering what these characters are like. I know what they look like, I know how they talk...but what are they thinking as these things happen? How are they viewing the world as they go about their conversations? That sort of thing.

For example, when the Aura Guardian shows up to rescue Aaron from his fall, you give us a description of what she looks like. It's a good description, but it reads like something you'd see character profile, not how a child would see her.
The boy sighed and slowly started to get to his feet when he noticed a young woman approaching his location.

The woman was blonde with green eyes and was wearing strange clothing unfamiliar to the boy, a uniform with what seemed to be a two-part coat and a wide-brimmed hat with a spiky end and decorated with a symbol resembling three claw marks arranged in a triangular fashion. Upon further notice she also carried a staff of some sort in her left hand, both hands being gloved.
I get you seem to be going for some third person omniscient vibes it seems, but here, you could really do some mean character building. I reckon he's a young boy, so would he really be paying such close attention to how her outfit is styled? I feel like he'd only notice she was dressed oddly, but then he might notice just how pretty she is, you know? Or how tall she is, or other things a pubescent boy might pick up in a lady. You could really use this omniscient point of view to point out how his mind was racing. Maybe something like "Fate seemed to have a funny way of messing with him. How could it be that as soon as he falls out of a tree, a beautiful woman shows up? Why couldn't she have waited until he'd brushed himself off...or even better, just come on a different day entirely!"

Little things like that would really spruce this up, and give us a lot more depth into what you're establishing here. Because right now, we seem very superficial.

"Dear, are you OK?! Did something happen?!"

"Yeah Mom, the bullies put my ball in a tree and I fell trying to get it, but then this lady and her Dunsparce came to help!"

"Oh, ma'am, I can't thank you enough!"
Here's another place where you have opportunities for more character building. Aaron mentions some bullies put his ball in a tree, but maybe (and this is just an example), if you wanted to continue to air on the side of him thinking this lady was pretty, he's embarrassed she caught him falling, you could give us some insight into his thoughts as he racks his brain for an excuse to say INSTEAD of outwardly admitting some bullies hid his ball in a tree. Hell, you could have him briefly think back to the incident; recall how they pushed him down, snatched the ball, and how they laughed maniacally as they threw it into the tree.

He could frantically be like "Quick, think of something that makes me seem heroic and not like a little pussy!" You could really start to highlight any naive machoness he might have going at his age, or something of the sort. There's a lot of possibilities.

A blue-haired, blue-eyed boy dressed in simple clothes was reaching for a ball stuck in a tree. No dice. He sighed and started climbing up. He was almost there. He could almost feel it in his fingers.
This goes more hand-in-hand with world building. I assume, based on what I read after this, that he was in the forest, but...I need some more description here. Here, to me, it seems like he's climbed a tree in the middle of a vast white space. What does the weather feel like today? What day is it? What was he doing with the ball in the first place? He was being bullied, so maybe he could be angrily grumbling to himself that it's getting out of hand.

The boy jumped, looked at the woman in bewilderment, then looked around wildly. That was her voice, but her mouth hadn't moved at all, where-

~Kid, it's me. I'm talking to you with my head, it's called telepathy.~

The boy looked up at her again, eyes widening. "You.. You..."

The woman gave a small smile. "Kid, you aren't the only one out there with 'magic powers'."

The boy grinned, and bounced up and down excitedly. "You have powers like I do! And you're big and strong and that means I'm not a freak! Like, I can do the talaplethy thing too!"
This struck me as super information dump-y. I know it's mentioned a "sonic boom" came out of his mouth, but that was about all we got toward his magic powers. You could really beef this up by telling us what his thought process was as she telepathically spoke to him. Something like:

Did...did she just speak to him? In his mind? But, he swore that he was the only person who could do something like that! And...he'd felt like such a freak for it. But could it actually be that there was somebody else who could...?

The same as I've been saying, you have a lot of missed opportunities for world and character building. If you just beef some of this up a little, you would have a much more intriguing chapter! And it's already intriguing just from the plot alone!

Thanks for the read, and good work! :)
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
Chap 1 was honestly really fun! I think you did a good job capturing Aaron's character. You keep the child-like eagerness but I can already see that he also wants to do good and make a difference in the world.

The start itself was very simple plotwise, but does exactly what it needs to imo.
The boy smiled softly.

"It's Aaron!"
This was a nice reveal, genuinely made me smile!
"I-It's so we have a good view, sweetie!" said his mother.

~Nice save,~ said Polly to her telepathically.

D-Don't get in my head like that!
This little interaction was also amusing! It also pulls double duty to show that his mother has no doubt had some experiences seeing her son do these kinds of things, lol.

As for the second half, I enjoyed it as well. I can already guess this Riolu is destined to join Aaron. It seems that he isn't accepted much though. He's an outcast already, but at least his parents love him.

Also HOORAY for the dad standing up for his mate and kid! I love seeing people snap back instead of taking the insults lying down so to speak. What an outburst, hah!

You established a lot of nice lore tidbits too: Blaziken and other mon can presumably mainly use aura for moves, while Lucario line of course can sense emotions and life force. Also it seems that her pack doesn't take kindly to having mates that aren't of the same species.

I wonder if Riolu being a halfbreed will give it any special abilities? I look forward to more! I'll probably read a chapter or two a day since I aim to read this and another fic as well.

A fun start to a store, simple but concise and clear!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
Chapter 2 is read! I have to say, I personally enjoy a fic every now and then with short chapters. Given your preferred style I think the length works really well for you! I feel like you have a good handle on only including bits that feel necessary to the story you want to tell.

I'm genuinely and truly excited to see both where Aaron's story goes and where this young Riolu's story goes, and how the two will meet!
"Before you kids all crawl off to your barracks and attempt to get comfy," said Polly, "I've been put in charge of giving you a rundown of what you're here for, so sit your asses tight until I'm done!"


Aaron gulped.


"She said a bad word..." whispered one of the children.
This was such an on point thing for a kid to say! I feel like you capture that kiddish energy so well!
Another child raised their hand. "Aura, Psychokinesis, and the two kinds of Obscura, right?"
Obscura? I like that name! And that's some really interesting lore! Humans only get those four powers? I wonder why... they do seem to be similar sects of power.
Super curious to see this aspect explored :D

"Uh, y-yeah, I'm OK... Wait, you can talk? But you're a Pokemon!"


~All Pokemon can talk. Just only some of them in a way most humans can understand.~
Something about the way Metagross says this line gets me. I feel like I get a good vibe of his personality from this one line!

Ginji grabbed a stick and started drawing in the dirt. "Long ago, humans first came to this world, and they and Pokemon were divided. Then one day, in the Sinnoh region, there was a great meeting! One where humans and Pokemon came to terms, and decided to help and not hurt one another."


By now he had drawn a circle in the dirt.


"This agreement was known as The Vow; a promise to work toward humans and Pokemon being stronger together than apart."


He drew a line through the circle, then a smaller circle in the center.


"Wow..." said Riolu.


He then noticed the top half of the bigger circle was somehow red.
Oh MAN same brain!!! I had this tangential random thought about humans and pokemons making a pact and the pokeball symbol somehow being related!!!! Is this a similar case/?? AHHHH BOY I WANNA KNOW MORE!!! I love that you included this bond of friendship too !

Something to keep in mind for future chapters (and this is minor, maybe even you fixed this already, so feel free to ignore) is including a teeny bit more descriptive stuff to set the scene. A few lines here and there can be great.

But that's fairly minor given I can still perfectly understand and appreciate this story even with light descriptions! You're already good at staying focused on the critical stuff like lore and character.

Something else I think shines really well in your writing is capturing the vibes of characters through dialogue, and making characters feel pretty distinct.

Great things so far, I really do like this all!!!
 

Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
Another fun chapter! This time we get to meet Aaron's fellow squadmates and boy are they characters!

You did great giving everyone a quirk and making them feel unique. I definitely wouldn't have trouble telling them apart. Callie is rather amusing to me! Also the mention of a Necrozma Cult is very interesting. I lowkey hope we get to see a bit more of this. I like those bits of lore and worldbuilding you slip into your stories.

It does raise questions (nothing serious, and maybe these are answered later which is fine)

How does anyone know about Necrozma? Is it just an alolan legend or is it maybe everywhere? I wonder what the cult looks like! And if this takes place in the past, what version of Necrozma do they worship?

Also poor Aaron is outcast once again D:/ Can't he catch a break?

I noticed pretty much everyone only has one pokemon? I take it that this is the norm for this time period, to befriend just one companion? That's a neat take, in any case.

And then poor little Riolu's... trial. Oh boy. I almost wasn't sure he'd have been able to do it. I feel bad for that Buneary (whoop) but I guess that's the circle of life, lol.

One bit did confuse me however.
He paused, panted heavily. "I... I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself..."


"...Dad? Thank you."


"Thank you for everything Ginji."


Ginji paused. Then carefully pulled the other two into a hug.

Who says the line in bold? His mom? Riolu? It did trip me up a bit, so using a speaker tag or action can help I think. Assuming Maybe Riolu was the one talking, perhaps something like

{"...Dad? Thank you." Riolu sniffled, then smiled. "Thank you for everything Ginji."}

And by keeping it on one line makes it easy for the reader to identify the dialogue! Anyways that's my only comment for that section!

Otherwise, I'm really excited to see Aaron and Riolu meet. I enjoy how you are taking some time to build their stories individually before we see them meet.

Also who killed that old Lucario? Was it Ginji I wonder? I must keep reading!!
 
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