Pokémon Heroes After All

[Dragonfree]

Hey, Umbra! Great to see this chapter come out, finally!

"Now, Riolu, let me introduce you to an old nemesis!"

The two were standing before Aaron's "favorite" training dummy. Riolu raised an eyebrow. ~This thing?~

"Don't underestimate it!" said Aaron, waving his arms wildly. "That dummy's a menace! I swear it's out to get me!"

~...Sure.~

Aww, Aaron, what a dork.

"I mean we make a great offense-defense combo! You offense, me defense! It'll be great!"

~Oh, uh. Are you sure? As like a long-term thing?"

"Of course! Isn't that how Pokemon and humans work together?"

~Right, yeah...~

"Come on, let's do some more!"

They kept sparring well into the afternoon, a sinking feeling forming in Riolu's gut the whole while.

Aww, Aaron's so enthusiastic about having his Pokémon Partner For Life while Riolu was assuming a temporary arrangement.

~My dad...~

"Did he...?"

~Yeah. A Charizard killed him. Left my old pack because of it.~

Aaron frowned even harder than he was already. "I'm so sorry..."

~It's. It's fine.~

"No it's not. I can tell. It's OK for it to be not fine."

He touches Riolu's paw.

"I've got you."

Riolu paused.

~...Thanks. I appreciate it.~

They went back to looking at the stars.

Awww. Aaron is a good bean.

"Medea. My girlfriend. She went missing in this region. Thought you Aura Guardian fucks were responsible."

"We're not fucks." said Vince, clutching a hand to his chest.

~I'm a fuck,~ said Carol, her eyebrows wiggling.

Bwahaha, enjoy this.

The trio of Aura Guardians stopped and stared.

"You want to help?" said Polly.

"But you're an aura vampire," said Vince.

Carol nudged him. ~Don't be an ableist.~

"How is not trusting an Aura Vampire ableist?" said Vince.

:"It's like a chronic illness, isn't it?" said Polly. "By various means you wind up with a continued deficiency in your Aura, and need to turn to external sources to replenish itt."

Vince paused... "Fuck you're right."

I enjoy that the Aura Guardians have their own prejudices, despite themselves being discriminated against - makes unfortunate sense. I'm a little curious for more detail here, although I guess it might've been awkward to exposit more at this stage - what does turning to external sources to replenish your aura mean? Presumably Vince doesn't just think having an aura deficiency makes someone untrustworthy - like, presumably he doesn't trust Aura Vampires because he thinks they replenish their aura by murdering people. But if that's the case, surely just having it pointed out that they technically have a chronic illness wouldn't quell his worries that much, right? I would've expected Carol to mention not just that, but also something along the lines of that most Aura Vampires don't kill anyone/they don't have to kill anyone to replenish aura.

He turned to the wioman. "Still though. If I untire you so you can help ujs do you promise not to murrder us all?"

"I promise," said the woman playfully.

Vunce removed the cords.

Everyone stayed stock still for a minute.

"Boo," the woman said finally.

The Aura Guardian trio yelped and jumped. The woman laughed.

"Olivia Hallow. Pleasure to work with you all."

Haha, I like her already.

Main things happening here are Aaron being super excited about his new partner whose powers mesh so well with his (I like him comparing them to the sword and shield - Aaron's powers as we see them in the movie are indeed mostly defensive/healing/communication, so that's very fitting), Riolu being kind of reluctant and embarrassed by this dork but presumably beginning to warm up to him a little when he connects with him about losing his father (and Aaron is so good about it), seeing a bit of Callie and Atta bonding (this scene stuck out a little in this chapter, I admit, since it feels unrelated to everything else here, but cute), and then the Fighting Thieves orchestrating their escape while the Aura Guardians unmask Olivia.

I'm kind of curious why Riolu doesn't seem to have been spending much of his time looking for the Fighting Thieves or Nicolas this chapter! It was why he came here, and why he partnered with Aaron, but so far as we see here he's just been indulging Aaron's enthusiasm about training and showing off and seemingly reluctantly accepting just sticking with him. It would be interesting to see where his head's at - has he given up on finding the Fighting Thieves, or has he been looking for them when Aaron's not around, or has he tried to get Aaron to help him with it, like he originally planned? It's clear you haven't forgotten about them, though, with their prison escape and Nicolas's scene - looking forward to where that angle on the plot's headed.

Olivia's definitely a fun new addition to the cast, and I'm intrigued to learn more about Aura Vampires and the ways they're misunderstood. Do you have art of Olivia? I forget if I've seen her.

You're missing a threadmark on chapter 11, by the way! May want to add that.

Spoiler: Typo watch

"...It never doies that. Let me try!"

does

Riolu instead rushed at Aaron with a Force Palm. Aaron attempted to counter with one of hios own but missed and was hit in the chest, falling over backward."

his, and there's a quote at the end that shouldn't be there.

~...Maybe it's just you."

"Is... Is not!":

Wrong quote at the end of the first line, and then an extra colon at the end of the second.

Aaron and Riolu approached the other kids and their Pokemon, who were doing slime sort of knights-and-Dragon-Types game with each other. Aaron turned to Riolu.

Slime? Was that meant to be some?

~Are you dure about the plan?~

sure

He turned to the other kids and Pokemon and yelled.
"HEY LOSERS!"

A single line break that should either not be there or be a double!

:What?" Atta said, finally, grumpily.

Weird colon instead of quote there.

"Not bad, I guess." said Louis.

"Pretty good," said Eve

"Fancy." said Atta.

You want commas at the end of all those quotes, since there are dialogue tags after them, and a period at the end of the middle line.

Rioolu grimaced a bit. ~Uhuh, sure...~

Riolu.

That night, Aaron and Rioluu sat outside the monastery looking at the stars. For whatever reason Aaron had insisted on it, even if it meant sneaking out past the senior Aura Guardians - not an easy feat when many of both they and their Pokemon can sense thoughts and auras.

Riolu, again. Also, this is subtler, but you want "not an easy feat when many of both them and their Pokémon could sense thoughts and auras" - since you'd say "many of them" rather than "many of they", and you're writing in the past tense.

"...Yeah. It was a few years ago when.. When he got very sick, and..."

Tiny nitpick, but that's only two periods in that first ellipsis.

"Well I ws thinking-" Callie started to say.

was

"Callie scoffed. "Of courrse I do! Anyway, what IS life with Pawniard and Bishatrp like?"

course, Bisharp

"Well um." Callie paused. "How do I phrase this? Yres and no!"

Yes

Atta raised an eyebrow. "That is contradictrory."

contradictory

:"Yeah! 'Cause Necrozma lost its light long ago see? And we're trying to help get it back!"

Weird colon. (I also feel like this is definitely a sentence that'd read more cleanly with a comma before "see".)

:Atta paused.

Another colon.

"Getting to know you more made me... Happy Is that that friendship Aaron talks about?"

Missing a period after "Happy". (The happy also should be lowercase, since it's a continuation of the previous sentence - I've mentioned this before so I'm not going to keep hammering on it.)

>...Huh I guess it is! Nice to get to know you too!" said Callie.

Now it's a weird angle bracket instead of a quote.

Meanwhile the Fighting Thieves Nicolas was seeking were idling about in the Pokemon-proofed cel they were stuck in.

cell. (Cel is a word, but it's like an animation cel.)

"Guys, horry!"

Hurry, I assume?

"About time," said Koba

Missing period at the end here.

~Say," said Carol. ~We're investigating a murder and a bunch of dissapearances. Maybe this Medea of yours is related.~

A stray quote instead of a tilde.

:"It's like a chronic illness, isn't it?" said Polly. "By various means you wind up with a continued deficiency in your Aura, and need to turn to external sources to replenish itt."

Weird colon and "it".

He turned to the wioman. "Still though. If I untire you so you can help ujs do you promise not to murrder us all?"

woman, untie, us, murder

Vunce removed the cords.

Vince

 

[bluesidra]

When Polly was introduced, I yelled "Wizard!" and this picture came up. Had to draw it, took me probably way too long :D

 

[SparklingEspeon]

Hello! I’m here for the BLEC Review Awards, covering all 11 chapters of this for your review! In your opening blurb you said you were looking for feedback on worldbuilding, characters, and plot in particular, so I’ll try to focus on those in the criticisms section.

It seems that this is a fic detailing the relationship between Lucario and Riley from the lucario movie (I think that’s eighth?), which is pretty interesting! I think that’s a popular movie, but I have yet to see fic of this character. Immediately I’m interested.

And in general, I think it’s pretty cool to read. Not much has happened yet, and I feel like the story has yet to really lift off the ground, but I like the potential of what these early chapters put on the table. Aura Hogwarts, magic users, creepy people in cloaks and pokemon street thieves? Sign me up pls.

I really like the dry, slapstick vibe that this story has. There are indeed areas where the more simplistic narration could use some more description to really sell what’s happening, but in general I think the short lines suits the vibe of the story well—it gives me the vibe of a simpler cartoon, which fits what’s happening on-page well. I also found myself appreciating the way that the plot slowly builds up to what it is now. The intercuts between Aaron and Riolu made it clear where they’d both end up to me early on, but the slow buildup of delegating half a chapter to Aaron and then the other half to Riolu helped me get invested in the journey leading up to the eventual meeting. I do hope in particular we get to see more of those thieves though. They’re interesting side characters, interesting enough that I’d be sad to see them only used as a method of getting Riolu and Aaron in the same place.

In general, I feel like most of the characters feel somewhat one-dimensional. But tbh I think that’s fine for the most part. The vibe of this doesn’t require them to be more than they are, and aside from a couple of moments that feel bungled due to the simplicity of the characters the only one that feels like a one-trick pony is Callie and her whole Necrozma cult thing. Though with the most recent chapters she did get some more substantial screentime, so I’m willing to hold my opinion there until I see what you do with her. I will say that I don’t have a very good idea of who Polly and the rest of the guardians at this school are. They feel very tertiary in comparison to the other characters, and I’m not sure that I’ve seen them enough in action to be able to distinguish them well yet.

Worldbuilding… is okay. I don’t know that I have a strong opinion on it yet. We have a world where people can be normal, or they can be “aura users”—aura users come in different flavors and face different levels of persecution for their powers, but they’re safe within the walls of academies that teach young children to use their magic (reminds me a lot of the Grisha from Shadow and Bone). Aura vampires are also a thing. The wild doesn’t seem to be intensely developed yet, but there’s at least some semblance of natural society rather than “kill or be killed”. In general the world seems less crapsack and more lighthearted. It’s an interesting board, but I feel like we haven’t really done much with it outside of Aura Hogwarts. From what I can tell we’ve barely gotten off the ground, though, so maybe that’ll change.

As for plot, this is one I’m not so sure about. What we’ve seen so far is okay, but outside of Aaron and Riolu eventually meeting up and partnering up, I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be about. I feel like it’s kind of muddled by a slow start, but it’s also a slow start—there’s a lot of time to put together something and telegraph it clearly to your readers ahead of time.

Hopes going forward…

I hope to see more appearances of the Weird™ elements haunting this school in the future. Plus, the string of murders going on in the background, which I’m sure are connected. I’m a huge advocate for not leaving Shadow Plots hanging around in the background too long, otherwise they become empty promises that just get hinted at over and over. You have been seeding things in fairly well, and now that Aaron and Riolu have met I think this would be a great time to start making it more of an active thing.

It feels like there’s a lot of baggage you’re hinting at, and some side characters like Callie you’re beginning to branch out into and build on. I think it’d be cool to see those characters get a big more fleshed out—especially the Aura Guardians, who are important enough to get an entire plotline to themselves but who I don’t feel I have a great handle on. I feel like if you want to branch out, those are definite characters I’d give priority to, re: showing who they are and what makes them distinct.

And also I hope to see some juicy Aaron/Riolu goodness. Aaron needs a partner For Life. Riolu just wanted a temporary arrangement. That’s going to lead to some very interesting conflict to read about :big_eyes:

Overall, nice read! It was on the leaner side, but I feel like that suited it well. It looks like your plotlines are all set to go Interesting Places from here, and I’m interested to see what the result is gonna be. I’ll probably return to this when there’s a bingable backlog ahead of me—until then, good luck and happy writing!

~SparklingEspeon

 

[Umbramatic]

Ahahahaha! Happy Hallolween, one and all! It's time for a spooktacular bonus episode of Heroes After All, featuring a very special guest star! Who is it you ask? Find out in:

Bonus Chapter 3: HAAlloween

It was Murkrow season again.

Every year, in the fall, the Murkrow descended upon Time Flower Abbey. Every year they were impossible to get rid of. They infested every corner of the abbey - rooftops, courtyards, even getting inside from time to time. After multiple attempts to get rid of them, the residents of the Abbey had learned to just deal until they eventually went away.

This Murkrow season was a particularly bad one. Aaron, Riolu, and friends were moving through a flock of them trying to get back to their rooms for the evening from class, and they keept screeching at them and delivering sudden pecks.

"I hate these thi-OW!" said Louis. He brushed away a Murkrow jabbing at him.

<They can hear you....> said Rook.

"I for one think they're cute!" said Callie.

<I DON'T,> said Munchkin.

Aaron shook his head. Riolu scowled in the Murkrow's general direction.

"We, uh. Probably shouldn't irritate them..." said Aaron.

He looked over to Vince and Terrence nearby, who weretrying to communicate as best they can with Henry and Zawisza.

"Are you SURE you can't get them in line?" said Vince to Henry.

Henry simply gave a squaky laugh.

"You can't either? Seriously?" said Terrence to Zawisza.

Zawisza just shrugged her wings.

~The adults aren't having any luck either, human OR Pokemon...~ said Riolu.

"Can we eat them?" said Atta.

<I can poke them to death!> said Stabby.

<I doubt that...> said Iuroidea.

"Then what DO we do?" said Eve.

Aaron put his hand to his chin and pondered a bit. Then a large open-mouthed smile crossed his face.

"I've got it! If I make a large enough bang with my Aura powers it'll be sure to scare them off!"

"Wait, Aaron, that's crazy!" said Eve.

Too late. Aaron was already charging a ball of aura.

~Aaron, don-~ Riolu started to say.

Too late. Aaron had generated an exceptionally loud bang.

The Murkrow initially responded by all flying up in the air and cawing raucously. Then they all started divebombing and attacking Aaron and Riolu specifically. Aaron and Riolu screamed as the Murkrow started chasing them further and further away from the others.

-------------

Eventually, after much running and screaming, the Murkrow dissipated, flying off in various directions. Aaron and Riolu swerve left to tend to sore peck spots and brush off feathers.

~What were they chasing ME for?~ said Riolu. ~YOU made the noise!~

"Maybe they could sense our strong friendship?" Aaron said with a sheepish grin.

~...Yeah, sure. Whatever,~ said Riolu.

He looked around. ~Where ARE we anyway?~

Aaron looked around. They seemed tyo be in some heavily wooded area. "I... Don't know."

~So you mean we're lost?~

"...Yes."

~This is your fault you know.~

"...Yes, I know.~

Riolu huffed. ~Well we'll just have to find a way back I GUESS.~

"Y-You're right. I-it can't be far!" said Aaron.

The two started searching through a path in the woods.

------------

A couple hours passed. It had gotten dark out at this point. The two had made no headway.

~Gah,~ said Riolu. ~I can't find anything, even with my Aura sense...~

"Me neither..." said Aaron.

Riolu kept scanning and scanning for traces of something that could lead them back. But then he picked up something. Strange.

Reaching out further he was able to tell it was big. -

And it was moving.

Moving this way.

~Aaron we should get moving,~ Riolu said frantically.

"I thought we already we-" Aaron started to say.

~We need to do it FASTER,~ Riolu said with growing panic.

"Uh, okay, okay!" said Aaron.

They started moving through the woods faster. It was then the two could hear the rustling of something very large.

Not too far behind them.

Aaron opened his mouth to scream but Riolu immediately covered it with a paw.

~Just run,~ said Riolu.

Aaron immediately did, Riolu not far behind.

The rustling continued to follow them.

-----------------------

The two kept running. And running. And running. Until they finally ran out of breath, panting and wheezing from their efforts.

"Do you think..." Aaron said, gasping for breath. "...We lost it?"

More rustling.

~Apparently not!~ said Riolu in a panic.

"What do we do?!" said aaron.

Riolu looked around until he spotted an embedded tree hollow, sticking out of the earth.

~In there!~

Aaron and Riolu ducked into the hollow and peeked out.

It was dark. Very dark. But the two could see pointy blue feet sticking out from the underbrush. They pierced into the earth in front of the two's hideaway, moving around as if they were in search of something.

The pair quickly realized it could be them.

Eventually, the creature left. Aaron and Riolu waited, and waited, until they were sure it was gone. Then they removed themselves from the log.

"What WAS that?!" Aaron said in a panicked whisper.

~I don't know,~ said Riolu.~But I suspect it wants to eat... Us~

"EAT US?!" said Aaron.

~Whatever you do., don't scream. It'll just come back.~

"R-right..." said Aaron.

~Listen, I've been in this situation before,~ said Riolu.

"You have?!" said Aaron.

~Yeah. And what I've found is you have to keep running until you find someplace safe... Or a place with something stronger and tougher that won't also eat YOU.~

"...So we gotta get back to Time Flower Abbey then?"

~...Right, before that thing gets US.~ said Riolu. ~The adults can handle that thing hopefully maybe.~

"Right! To-"

More rustling.

~Oh no! It's coming back! Move it!~

And the two bolted for it.

--------

Eventually the trees started thinning. More moonlight started peering through the leaves.

But the rustling in pursuit continued.

Aaron and Riolu were running out of breath. Their steps were faltering.

Finally, Aaron tripped. Collapsed.

~Aaron!~ said Riolu.

It was then the creature emerged from the bushes. It bore a vague resemblance to a Wobuffet, but with a long, spindly form and a strange tail. Its mouth briefly opened., showing massive pointy teeth.

"N-No...." said Aaron. "I... don't want to die...."

Riolu froze, looking between Aaron, then the strange Wobuffet creature. Then determination set in his eyes and he charged forward, putting himself between Aaron and the monster.

~If you're going to eat him then you're going to have to get through me!~

The Wobbuffet creature leaned in closer. It opened its mouth to show its teeth again, then closed them. Its faced scrunched up into a look of... Concern?
~...Are you two quite all right?~

~...Huh?_ said Riolu.

"You... Don't want to eat us?" said Aaron.

~Of course not,~ said the creature with a distinct Galarian accent. ~I may be a Kwazai but I'm not so uncouth!~

~Kwazai?~ said Riolu.

~Yes! Said the creature. ~We're a rare evolution of Wobuffet, that happens in a region far from here, I was born in Galar before moving there... We come in two forms! Anyway, my name is Eustace Francisco Kwazaichum, Esquire.~

"Nice to meet you Eustace!" said Aaron, getting tol his feet.

~My pleasure as well.! I am here because I was looking for directions to Rota, my Trainer is there... but all the local Pokemon are too scared of me to help!~

~We were trying to get back to Time Flower Abbey. Maybe the peoplemons there can help,~ said Riolu.

~A marvelous idea! Let us go posthaste!~

"Let's go then!" said Aaron.

And the very unusual party continued onward.

-------------

Eventually they encountered not the monastery but certain people and Pokemon from it.

"Aaron! Riolu! All the Aura Guardians have been looking all over for you" said Polly."Thank Lugia you're allri-"

She noticed Eustace.

"Behind you! Duck for cover!"

~You won't touch them, Kwazai. Remember the Vow.~

<Yeah they're no lunch!> said Dunsparce.

~Guys, relax, he's with us,~ said Riolu.

"Yeah he helped us find you!" said Aaron. "Eustace is great!"

~Oh dear, sorry to startle you...~ Said Eustace.

"....It's all right," said Polly. "Thank you so much for bringing these boys back to us... Especially after those damn Murkrow chased them into the woods."

Eustace immediately perked up.

<Murkrow? Why I love the taste of Murkrow! Gamey but with just the right amount of juicy tenderness!?>

Polly paused, then looked at Metagross with a snide grin.

"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

~Of course I am, we're psychically in synch, said Metagross~

<Uh... yeah, Polly, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?> said Dunsparce.

"Good. Let's escort this Kwazai to the Abbey," said Polly.

-----------------------


The Murkrow were up to their usual mischief at Time Flower Abbey. Pecking, shrieking, stealing, the works.

Eventually, however, a contingent of Aura Guardians emerged from the mountain forest near the abbey.

Followed by Eustace.

The Murkrow stopped to stare at this new visitor.

Eustace bared his teeth in a wide, hungry, grin.

And lunged.

----------------

The Murkrow never bothered Time Flower Abbey again.

***

And there you have it! The Kwazai species belongs to Sike Saner! You should check out her fics! They have more Kwazai in them! Yaaaaaaaaay!

 

[StolenMadWolf]

Okay, this is long overdue, but I've finally sat down to get a Catnip review sorted out. I've read through the first three chapters, so I'll focus on those chapters.

I have to admit, this is my first Pokemon Fic that features Humans who are... well, actual humans, but those chapters served as a nice introduction to it all.

First of all, I like the context and worldbuilding present in this story, and pulling things out of the 8th Movie, which is one of the few movies I've actually watched, and is one of those I definitely have a fond memory of. I like the idea of making this story a prequel of sorts, and what we do see so far is pretty good. Giving us a bit of a glance into the Guardians abilities and how they bring others into the fold. The alternate perspective, which actually feels similar to PMD in a way, also adds a bit more context to the world in a way that even the human segments don't, and really establishes the Pokemon themselves as full fledge characters too. I am a bit biased towards the Mon segments, but there are some good moments in the human parts too. There is alot of potential here that I'm looking forward to seeing tapped into.

That rolls me onto the characters, which I will admit, is more of a mixed bag. Granted, this is fairly early on in the story so we've not seen much of them yet, but for the humans, I'm not really engaged with them yet. I'm kinda surprised Aaron was allowed to go on his way to the monestary so quickly without any resistance or doubts. I also found the introduction to his powers to be a little bit underwealming. Just casually revealing them rather than having some build up, but that is just me. The current cast of human characters also feels... a bit basic, having one trait that is played up more than anything else. Out of all of them, the only one I'm mostly interested in is Eve, and that's more for her good first appearence. I'm not getting alot of insight into Aaron's character yet either, I'm not seeing alot of this thoughts being expressed yet either. Again, this might be down to being fairly early on in the story, but I'm hoping that things start picking up soon, as there is potential in that cast.

The Pokemon in comparision are more engaging, with a very clear dynamic between some of the characters that offers some great plot potential. It helps that the story offers a good bit of insight into their lives. Granted, I'm a bit more biased to the Pokemon themselves, but I'm liking their introductions and how things begin with them and have already started caring about them.

With the writing itself, there is nothing particularly outstanding to note. Some stuff seems to be revealed with little fanfare where there really should be, or at least a bit of buildup. But it's at least neat with no spelling issues inside it. The only thing that was glaring to me was that Chapter 3 had some pretty significant spacing between individual lines which severely inflates the length of the actual post. That is more me just being picky about paragraph structure though than anything else, and I understand completely that it can be a pain to fix up.

To sum up, I can see the potential, I'm just waiting on that big hook that will get me fully engaged wih the story. The Pokemon sequences are great, the human ones less so, but it'll be interesting to see how everything all goes together.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, popping back in for a quick and dirty review of HAA since you did give me reviews over the past year, and I’d like to come back to this story again later on for RB4. So the most logical place to start is simply the next chapter you have teed up chronologically in your threadmark listing, and that takes me to…

Bonus 1

Spoiler

Carol was having a good day.

The Psychic Aura Guardian was carrying some books, getting ready to teach her students about Pokemon and Aura matchups, and had several things in mind. Grass vs. Poison, Ice vs. Flying, and oh, her favorite, Psychic vs. Fighting... She needed to show her friend Polly!

7/10, needs more Haxorus. But more seriously it’s cute to see some of your supporting cast getting a chance to have the limelight for a bit.

She looked around. Wait, where was Polly?

Carol put down her books and got to searching. She looked in empty dormitories, in the cafeteria, in the library... Nothing. No sign of her.

This was bad. She needed to find someone.

… Wait, has Polly been introduced up to this point in HAA? If not, I kinda wonder if it’d have made more sense to give a firmer hint as to who Polly is and why her being missing might be a bad thing. Perhaps it’s an artifact of the hour when I wrote this review, but I was kinda drawing blanks here.

Quickly she located Vince, who had just finished sorting some kids into their dorms. ~Vince?~ she said telepathically, ~Have you seen Polly?~

"Last I heard she was giving these kids their initiation," said Vince. "Why?"

… Right. Polly is that Aura Guardian that recruited Aaron at the start. Feel kinda dumb for forgetting that, but still. The point still stands for giving more of a reminder/context thing, especially if this Bonus Chapter is intended to be able to be read fully standalone from the story.

~Well she's not anywhere now. I checked.~

Vince shrugged. "Check more?"

~Vince, you terrible wizard, I already did.~

I kiiiinda feel like this sequence would benefit more from more description of some sort, whether that’s of body language or internal thoughts here.

Vince winced at the "terrible wizard" moniker. "Are you ever going to let me live that down?"

~No.~

Vince sighed. "Fine, I'll help you look."

Same for these bits, since I am having trouble visualizing this or getting any real indication as to what the “terrible wizard” noodle incident Carol is alluding to involves.

Carol dragged Vince everywhere around the massive monastery, and they checked and double-checked everything. Still nothing.

"This is bad," said Vince.

~Indubitably so.~, said Carol.

… Wait, but why though? Since I’m not really sure why these two are so freaked out about Polly being absent right now.

"We need backups."

From their staffs they summoned a Honchkrow and Gothitelle.

"Henry!" said Vince. "Scan the area from the air!"

… Right, Aaron’s staff in M08 has freaky Pokéball / stasis powers. I was asking “huh?” for a second, but that’s a thing. Some more description might help visualize this a bit better and potentially give a chance to drop in some funny interactions / reactions from their Pokémon.

~Lovegood!~ said Carol. ~Scan the area psychically!~

Lovegood the Gothitelle nodded. Henry the Honchkrow gave a shrill cackle. The two Pokemon searched the area around the monastery much as their Trainers did. Still, they returned to said Trainers empty-handed.

Yeah, this feels like something that would’ve been better being introduced either at the time these two were summoned or beforehand through something like Carol’s internal thoughts. Though that said:

>Henry the Honchkrow

But does he have those comedic sociopath tendencies and one-liners? Since I’m pretty sure I know where this is coming from. :V

"Ah fuck," said Vince.

~Language.~ said Carol. [ ]

IMO, it’d be funnier if Carol gave a reminder that they’re around kids, since I assume Carol would be a bit less fazed by Vince’s language were it just the two of us.

"Look, that's not the point," said Vince. "Maybe Ryan knows where she went to."

Wait, who now-?

Carol thought to herself a bit. Ryan was the leader of the Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians. If anyone knew where Polly was, it would be him.

~Yeah, we should ask him.~

Narrator: “He doesn’t know where Polly is.”

Though I kinda wonder if there were smoother ways of expositing who Ryan was than this. Dunno, maybe I’m overthinking things.

They made their way to Ryan's quarters. Ryan, a dark-skinned man with short, curly hair, sat writing notes on some document while his loyal Swampert slept nearby. Upon the arrival of Vince and Carol, the Swampert yawned and stretched while Ryan looked up and raised an eyebrow.

Dragon Pulse"Let me guess, need something?" said Ryan. "That's about all anyone talks to me for these days."

I think you’ve got some dangling draft notes there that are still pending scrubbing.

"Er, yes, actually." said Vince. "You see-"

~Polly's missing,~ said Carol.

[ ]
"...Polly? She was always a free spirit but I wouldn't expect her to disappear so suddenly," said Ryan. "Something's up."

Dropping in some reaction or whatever here from Ryan would go a long way in selling his vibe as a character, which admittedly is a bit hard for me to get a read on at the moment.

"That's what we're saying!" said Vince, before Carol nudged him.

[ ]
"We need to work together. You two and your Pokemon come with me."

Ditto here for description, since otherwise it feels like Ryan is saying this without any waiting/pausing after Vince’s line.

The group left the monastery side-by-side, heading into the mountain forests as Lovegood and Ryan scanned the area with their Psychic and Auric senses. Henry needled Ryan's Swampert with taunting jeers, which the Swampert ignored.

Swampert: “*Buddy, I’d just like to remind you that I know Avalanche.*” >:|

Suddenly, the group leaders stopped.

~I sense something big up ahead,~ said Lovegood telepathically.

"So do I." said Ryan. Prepare yoursel-"

Oh yeah, that abruptly cut-off line is a good omen there.

the A Dragon Pulse was shot in Ryan's direction. Ryan quickly used Detect to get out of the way, and the group turned toward the source.

A glowing blue and white webbed portal lay before them, and emerging from the portal was a purple, almost insectoid dragon. The dragon gave a literally unearthly screech and charged.

Nagandel coming out an Ultra Wormhole? Or else how should I envision this? And no “the hell is that thing?” from Carol and the gang?

Immediately Lovegood threw up a Protect. Henry dived in for a Night Slash as Vince conjured his own Night Slash blades. Carol hit the dragon's brain with a psychic assault while Ryan's Swampert and Ryan himself both hit it with Brick Breaks.

The dragon was pummeled by the group assault and let out another screech. Through the portal came several smaller purple creatures with spouts on their heads, and all sprayed toxic sludge in the direction of the Aura Guardians.

Yup, it’s a Nagandel, and I’m guessing the smaller ones are Poipole. Though wait, Vince can do that? Like I get that “humans using attacks on the Aura/Obscura spectrum” is something possible in HAA’s setting, but this feels really suddenly introduced as an element in this one-shot if it’s meant to be readable for someone coming in from the cold.

Vince cut through the incoming sludge with his blades, while Carol and Lovegood deflected it with psychic power. Ryan, his Swampert, and Henry weren't so lucky, being and were doused in sticky fluid.

Henry: “*Worst. Mission. Ever.*”

Swampert: “*Oh quit your whining already!*” >_>;

"This is going to be a pain to clean off," said Ryan, who quickly fired an Aura Sphere at the flock of small purple creatures. His Swampert roared and tackled the dragon, the two wrestling as Henry divebombed the smaller purple creatures.

Okay, so while I get that this is supposed to be a short and drabbley bonus chapter, I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more blow-by-blow description for some of these battle “turns”. Like you can get away with saying “[X] used [Y]” style description for some attacks, but without some of them also getting described out more visually (and ideally before breaking out such description later on), you run the risk of moments in battle basically looking like an action log from a PMD game or Showdown session… which this kinda does.

Suddenly another portal opened and from it emerged Polly and her Metagross and Dunsparce. Metagross immediately blasted the dragon and its companion creatures with a Psychic while Dunsparce fired Thunderwaves and Polly herself fired small projectile Psyshocks.

Polly: “Hah! That one oughta put it down!”

The dragon screeched and finally gave in, diving back into the portal from whence it came, the smaller purple creatures following. The portal closed after them.

"You all alright?" said Polly.

"More or less," said Vince. "What happened to you?"

Carol: ~Better question, do we want to know?~ ._.;

"Got drafted into solving some weird crisis in another world. Stuff about living stories and people called "mods.""

Oh, it’s chatroom antics, isn’t it?

~It's a long story we'll have to explain when we get back,~ said Metagross.

Dunsparce gave a hiss and a nod.

~Other worlds?~ said Carol. ~Do those even exist?~

Especially since that’s been series canon since either 2010 or 2014 depending on how you count things.

"They do," said Ryan. "I suspect Polly leaving our world temporarily weakened the boundaries between worlds long enough for those creatures to break through."

~Well at least we scared them off,~ said Lovegood.

I can already see the “Worst. Planet. Ever.” reviews on Ultra Space Yelp by that Nagandel and those Poipole being filed the day after this.

"Anyway," said Vince. "Now that that's over can we just go back to the monastery and hear Polly's side of the story?"

"I'm happy to tell it," said Polly.

Vince: “Wait, wha-? Right here? But this is supposed to be a thousand-word extra-” ._.;

~Okay! Afterwards we can talk lesson plans!~ said Carol.

"Let's go home," said Ryan. "We could all use a break."

- Ryan flicks off some Nagandel goop off his body -
Ryan: “... Right, and probably a bath.”

The Aura Guardians and their Pokemon all headed off.

Shortly after they left a purple creature popped its head out of the bushes and proceeded to follow their trail.

Oh, so there’s a Poipole that pops up in HAA after this point, huh? Didn’t remember that from where I got up to back in the day, but I’ll be keeping an eye on that for whenever I get deeper on in your story.

Alright, so now that the dust has settled, I think that the Bonus Chapter was a cute and chaotic little breather episode. I don’t know how “polished” it was intended to be since some parts read kinda rough-draft-y but it was still a fun experience.

There’s only so much to say about about a thousand words of chapter, but even so, there’s a couple main strengths about it that stood out to me. The characterization and banter were the main draw for me and they were fun to see, especially the fun you seemed to be having with character homaging. After all, I can see that ‘Henry’ there, and I could already hear the cheerful “I’m gonna kill you!” and maniacal laughter from the Awakening char I’m pretty sure he’s named after play out in my head and grin like an idiot over it. I also liked that this chapter was a relatively complete scenario that’s basically “a day in the life” of some of your supporting cast. It’s not quite a chapter where you can just jump into it in a vacuum, but it’s close, and coming off a long hiatus of HAA, it was a nice way to start to ease myself back into things.

Okay, that said. There was a reason why I said that some parts read kinda rough-draft-y earlier on. The number one weakness that I see with this chapter is that it’s really light on description, and I had trouble visualizing what various character details and locations that are visited in it looked like because of it. It also kinda drug down the action choreography with the battle with Nagendal as well, since most of the proverbial “turns” in it basically read like a list of actions. While you can get away with that to an extent while writing Pokémon battles, it usually works best when it follows an explicitly outlined depiction that is brought up earlier, especially for actions that are less “front and center” for focus. If… say… Henry, were to get the proverbial attention of the camera while using Night Slash, saying something like “Obscura began to gather on Henry’s wings and he dove at the strange purple beast with a cawing cackle” gives me a lot more to work with visually than “Henry dove at the strange purple beast with a cawing cackle and used Night Slash”.

I… also can’t tell just how standalone this chapter is meant to be, but it feels like certain ideas that are important / possible in the first place get cold-introduced here without much buildup. e.x. The Night Slash blades that Vince rocks when I don’t think that Bonus ever establishes that he has that as his attribute, much less that he’s mastered it well enough to do that. Granted, that might have been mentioned in the first three chapters of HAA and perhaps I’m forgetting it, but some reminders of “oh yeah, that’s a thing”, and ideally before they became story-relevant would’ve made moments like those a bit less jarring to read.

Lastly, I kinda wonder if the length cut against the Bonus Chapter to an extent. Since a lot happened, but in the span of 1000 words, I’m not sure if it was all captured. There was a lot of room to add details to the chapter while keeping things digestible in over all length. Also, if it was expanded, I suspect that the one-shot would’ve worked a bit better if it was cut up into multiple scenes. Since the cast really got around in terms of locations in this one-shot and it was a little weird to read it all in one take with zero scene transitions at all.

Sorry if this feedback came off on the more critical side @Umbramatic , but I’d like to emphasize that for all the criticisms that I had of your Bonus Chapter, I did have fun with it. I just kinda wish there was more “story” and description with which to get to know these characters and their world more, since they seem like a fun bunch, and I’ll keep an eye out for them popping up again in my future readings of HAA.

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Heya, I know that you haven't exactly gotten a ton of feedback this Review Blitz, so I figured I'd do my part to try and help change that by shooting you a review of your longfic baby from your writing portfolio. Especially since it has been a while since I read it:

Chapter 4

Spoiler

It was time for the first day of training.

Aaron kept staring at the training dummy. It seemed to stare back. He looked around at the other kids and their Pokemon preparing. He was alone. He looked back at the training dummy and his hands glowed with Auric power. He yelled, rushed at the training dummy... and tripped, falling flat on his back.

"...Good grief," he said.

Oh hey, it’s like Lucy and the football from Charlie Brown.

Though I don’t remember this part from when I read Chapter 4 ages ago. I take it that this must’ve been added in a v2 at some point.

He hesitantly got back up and rushed the dummy again. This attempt was more successful, [ ] doing decent damage to the dummy.

Smiling, he looked around for his companions. Louis and Rook were slicing up a dummy, Callie and Munchkin were pelting one with Obscura bolts and fire, Atta and Stabby were gnawing and stabbing at one, and Eve... Weird. She was lying on the ground clutching her head, with Iuroidea tending to her. Did she trip too? Maybe-

Wait, what did Aaron do there to that dummy? Since I find it a little weird that all of his classmates are having their actions described but he doesn’t. Like is he punching it until it breaks, or…?

It was then Aaron noticed a shadow looming overhead. With dread he looked up. There was a blonde boy with spiky hair standing on the head of a massive Onix above him, crossing his arms and giving a not exactly friendly smug, unfriendly smile down.

"You! You're the new freak kid, right?" he said.

Wow, I hate him already. Congrats.

"Uh... No?"

"Bah! You think you can fool the mighty Gabriel? I'll show you!"

He snapped his fingers. An explosion of Psychic power happened at Aaron's feet, knocking him back as he yelped.

"Ha! Too easy," said Gabriel. "Let's try some more." A strange construct that seemed to resemble a Psyshock but spear-shaped appeared by his shoulder and fired down at Aaron, with Aaron yelping and rolling over to avoid it. [ ]

"You're a fun one. Most people just run away and I have to bother chasing them. Not that that isn't funny either."

This paragraph feels like it ought to be broken up into smaller parts, potentially with a bit of expansion to bring up Gabe’s reaction to Aaron dodging his psychic spear there.

His Onix gave a strange whimper. [ ]

"Easy, Patricia, we're almost done with this one," said Gabriel. "Lean down a little, will you girl?"

Okay, so the Onix is the nice one of this pair, duly noted.

Patricia slowly moved her head down to ground level so Gabriel could get off, upon which he picked up Aaron by the scruff of his neck and held up his other hand, crackling with Psychic explosions, in Aaron's face.

"You're just like the rest of them. Worthless. If you think you came here to have a good time, I'm here to teach you otherwise. Not any kid on the Auric Spectrum can be an Aura Guardian, and I'm gonna weed out the ones who can't. Like you."

Aaron: “Um. Guys? A little help right now? Since it’d be really nice if you could take a break from your training for just a bit.”

He dropped Aaron and stormed off, Patricia looking at Aaron oddly for a few moments before following after. Aaron was hyperventilating on the ground until he saw Callie and Munchkin peering down at him.

"You okay?" said Callie. Or at least Aaron thought she said that, her accent was still always odd and unplaceable.

"No."

"Good! The Necrozmaists say adversity builds character!"

Wait, were the other misfit kids meant to just be standing around while Gabe was bullying Aaron, or…? Since they weren’t exactly described reacting to all of this up to this point. ^^;

She helped him up. "But yeah, Gabriel is mean. He makes the Aura Spectrum look bad!" Munchkin hissed at her in agreement.

[ ]

"What's wrong with him anyway?" said Aaron.

"Apparently he was from a rich family and got protected from how people usually treat us. And his powers are really strong! So he thinks he's better than everyone else!" said Callie. "I'd like to teach him the might of Necrozma!"

Small moment where it might make sense to get into Aaron’s head a bit before he speaks up. Thankfully, you’re not able to do that just yet, Callie, since otherwise I think that this entire academy and everything within at least a few miles would be very, very dead.

"Let's just try to avoid him for now..." said Aaron.

"Aww, okay," said Callie. "Come on, Ms. Carol is gonna teach us about type matchups! Maybe Munchkin can show off!"

Munchkin gave an excited hiss, and they all headed off.

Sooo… does this one also have a +Spd / -Atk Haxorus chilling around? >:V

The Aura Guardian trainees and their Pokemon gathered around a young adult woman Aura Guardian with a dark uniform, long wavy red hair, and green eyes. She surveyed the group until all had settled and then spoke up... telepathically.

~Alright kids! Carol here, and I'm going to teach you how to deal with type matchups! Who here has a Pokemon partner?~

Ah, so this is just a case of ‘Name’s the Same’, since there is another character that this Carol is reminding me of, but I suppose she’d be more likely to be rocking something along the lines of a Scrafty.

Everyone but Aaron gestured to their partner or held them up. Aaron fidgeted nervously before addressing Louis. [ ]

"Why does she only talk like that?"

"She's mute," Louis said, whispering. "Can't speak with her mouth. Can't hear that well either. Something about an incident with a Pangoro. Don't know the rest, don't really care."

I think that it should be explicitly described somewhere before Aaron brings up the “hey, why’s she doing that” that Carol was talking via telepathy. Since it’s one of those things that’s riding a lot on the text formatting alone to communicate at the moment.

Aaron nodded before his gaze shifted back to Carol. [ ]

~Okay then!~ said Carol. ~Now, as you may know, Pokemon have different attributes called Types. These affect the sorts of Aura Spectrum powers Pokemon can produce - way more of them and with way more power than humans on the Auric Spectrum! This is helped by the fact that Pokemon produce an additional energy called Infinity Energy to power up their Auras, which can only be sensed in trace amounts in humans. Pokemon types are strong and weak against other types, depending on the type and type combination, and to demonstrate that...~

Something about Carol’s dialogue here feels a bit lopsided. It might be worth playing around with pushing the “said Carol” a bit deeper into it to keep the two parts of her dialogue more digestible to read.

She paused, holding stock-still. There was a roar, and a Salamence descended from the air and approached Polly.

~Good girl,~ said Carol exclusively to the Salamence, scratching the dragon's cheek as she purred. ~Can you show off for these kids again?~

The Salamence winked and gave a quiet "Sal!"

Is he a shiny and does he act like a giant cat? Since if he does, then Carol really does remind me of that redheaded character that I’m thinking of. >:V

~Alright,~ said Carol. ~Now I need, hmmm...~ She combed her finger through the audience until she reached a boy and his Cleffa. ~You! Bring me your Pokemon.~

The boy's eyes widened in shock. He looked around. Then, very hesitantly, he passed the squealing Cleffa to Carol. Carol placed the Cleffa down across from the Salamence, ignoring his "Clefs!" of protest. She quickly backed away.

~Becky! Use Outrage!~

Well, scratch that about the Salamence being a ‘he’ there.

Boy: “Wait, what-?! I never agreed to-!” O_O;

Becky the Salamence roared as her entire body glowed green with dragonfire and she charged the Cleffa. The Cleffa covered his eyes and braced himself for impact. The dragon pummeled the Cleffa with claws and bites and headbutts. When the dragonfire died down and the dust cleared... nothing. The Cleffa was totally unscathed. He uncovered its eyes, looked up, gave a "clef!" of surprise at Becky still being there, and ran back to his Trainer, who hugged him.

Huh, not even physical knockback from getting swatted by limbs as large as Cleffa’s body, huh? I’m a bit surprised by that, but I suppose the anime did depict a Wigglytuff just walking through a Dragon Pulse, so…

~As you can see,~ said Carol, ~Type matchups - as well as things like Trainer and Pokemon creativeness and cleverness - are what really makes a battle. Not Pokemon strength.~

The gaggle of Trainees and their Pokemon started a bit before nodding. Carol smiled.

Becky: “*Speaking of which, did you want me to move on to showing off what happens when I use Iron Head on that same Cleffa-?*” ^^
Carol: ~Becky, no.~ >_>;

~But!~ said Carol. ~You will learn more in subsequent lessons! For now, you've got a history lesson with Polly! I'll take you to her!~

She and Becky, along with a Gothitelle she summoned from her staff, herded the kids toward the mountain.

Huh. Fast type effectiveness lecture there. I kinda wonder if things would’ve been a bit more effective opening in medias res for the lecture, since this admittedly felt really short for a lesson.

Eventually the group of children were directed to Polly, alongside her Dunsparce and Metagross. Polly looked them over, then looked at Carol and her Pokemon. "You're good to go."

~Thanks!~ said Carol, and she, Becky, and her Gothitelle Lovegood exited.

"Alright," said Polly. "Time to teach you new kids some stuff about this place. Kids who have heard it before, don't try to sum it up please."

A few hands lowered.

Wait, but the kids were never described raising their hands prior to this and Polly never gave an explicit prompt to raise their hands up to this point. I think that you might have wound up leaving something out during editing or something like that.

Polly started leading the kids up the mountain, going on some winding pathways with tall trees and various signs of wild Pokemon. Eventually, the group came across a cliff overlooking something Aaron couldn't make out at first. When he got there, however, he stared in awe.

In the distance stood a mountain unlike anything Aaron had ever seen. It was massive, and shaped like a tree, clouds swirling around it. Aaron could barely make out glittering green crystals decorating the mountain's rocks.

Oh, it’s the Tree of Life or whatever it’s called from M08.

"Say hello to the Tree Of Beginning," said Polly.

Yeah, that.

[ ]

"Why is it like that?" asked Aaron.

Another spot where it might make sense to take a moment to describe Aaron taking things in and what he’s thinking.

"Long ago, the people and Pokemon of Kanto and Johto suffered a great famine. They begged the gods for help, and their calls were heeded by a Legendary from another land, who created the Tree to ward off famine and pestilence. Its crystals absorb energy from sunlight, and its roots as a result fertilize Kanto, Johto, and beyond. The ecosystem around here depends on it."

Oh, so the red and green armies from M08 are Kantoan and Johtoan in this story’s version of events, huh?

"Wow..." said Aaron. Some of the other kids oohed and aahed as well.

"But don't dare venture inward; there are monsters inside the tree, and you know what they do to any human that visits?"

"...What?"

Polly suddenly got in Aaron's face with a wicked grin. "They eat them!"

I… didn’t remember that part from M08, just saying. ^^;

Aaron screamed. And screamed, and screamed, and screamed for an unusually long time until Polly said "Kid, relax, relax, they're not going to get you."

"...Okay," said Aaron. The other kids giggled. [ ]

~Told you you shouldn't have done that~ said Metagross. ~Even if it was funny.~

Dunsparce snickered.

This seems like a spot where taking a moment to more explicitly show off the reaction of Polly’s Pokémon might make for some extra lulz worth showing off.

Polly sighed. "Anyway, the other hazard of the Tree is the Mew that lives there. The Tree can't sustain itself, so the Legendary created a lesser Legendary, a Mew, to keep it in balance. But the Mew is... Mischievous. It's known to cause a ruckus and spirit objects and even Pokemon away to the Tree."

[ ]

~Legendaries in general aren't to be trusted.~

Dunsparce gave a hissy, irritated "sparce".

>Legendaries in general aren’t to be trusted

Oh, there’s a story behind that one, I can already tell.

~For your information I do not mention that every time Legendaries come up, thank you very much.~

Polly sighed again and gestured with her staff to the region beyond the Tree. "Beyond the tree is the kingdom of Rota. It was founded by refugees from the great war in Kalos about 2000 years ago, or 0 Skybreak. Since then they've grown to thrive, and are a valuable ally to us Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians. Any questions?'

Though has the term ‘Genesis Mountain’ ever been mentioned prior to this point in the story? Though from that name… is that meant to be Mt. Coronet?

The children were silent. Aaron tried to think of something to say, but couldn't just yet. [ ]

"Alright, back to the monastery, so you kids all can have lunch."

IMO, you’re missing some sort of reaction from Polly to tee things back up for her line there.

She and her Pokemon headed down the mountain, the children and their Pokemon heading after. Aaron followed along quietly for a while, then noticed another kid didn't have a Pokemon partner either. Aaron moved closer to him and noticed he not only had pink hair but pink clothes as well.

"Excuse me-"

The other child turned his head toward Aaron, holding a finger to his lips and winking. Aaron blinked. A Pokemon made a noise in the forest, causing Aaron's attention to turn to it briefly; when he turned back the other child was gone.

Hi Mew. Bye Mew.

[ ]

"How long has it been stalking us?"

"Days, now. Ever since it first killed one of our own, possibly further."

"It seems to have acquired a taste for our kind's flesh..."

"What do we do, Grandfather Alpha?"

"Give me a moment to think..."

You’re kinda missing some sort of scene setting establishing where the Lucario are at this moment. Like are they even on their normal grounds right now? Have they turned and bolted?

Though I’m kinda wondering if we should’ve had more of an immediate follow-up to the outro of the last proper chapter before cutting to Aaron’s side of the story, since clearly a lot has happened to the Lucario pack since we last saw them, but I’m wondering if a bit too much was left offscreen.

Riolu was listening in to all of this from behind a nearby boulder. There was a predator stalking the Lucario pack and he wanted to know more about it. He also wanted to do something about it but he also knew he wasn't strong enough... Maybe if he could-

"I sense an aura!"

"Behind that boulder!"

Riolu: “Right. Pack full of aura-sensitive jackals. I… should’ve seen this coming, really.”

Oh no. Quickly he tried to get out of there, only to be grabbed by a Lucario and held aloft.

"Okay, whose pup is this?"

[ ]

"...That would be ours."

[ ] Riolu awkwardly gestured to his parents. His mother sighed while Ginji shook his head.

"How much do you know, kid?"

The description after Ginji / Riolumom’s line there I don’t think fully follows, since it almost seems like Riolu is saying “That would be ours” there. Also, considering how this is probably yet another

moment for Ginji and his mate from the rest of the pack, it might’ve made sense to show that off a bit more.

"There's a predator killing pack members... we need to stop it..."

Riolu: “Even if I have no idea how we’re supposed to make that happen.” ^^;

"Let him go," said Grandfather Alpha. "There is no harm in him knowing the truth; we were going to tell the other pups eventually."

The Lucario placed Riolu down, and he shook himself off. Grandfather Alpha sighed. "Now where were we?"

"The predator?" said a Lucario.

"Right. By the time anyone sees or Aura Senses it it's too late, but scorch marks on the remains it leaves behind indicate it's a Fire type. Therefore..."

I’m… honestly surprised that the Charizard would leave anything behind instead of just flatly carrying off the carcasses of its kills. I suppose that those metal bones must make Lucario unwieldy prey to carry off.

He pointed toward Ginji. "You're probably our best bet for taking it down."


Ginji pointed to himself. "Me? And I thought you all didn't want me doing anything important."

Ah yes, fielding a Fighting-type against a ‘mon that has a STAB advantage over it. What could possibly go wrong?

I mean, I know what goes wrong, but still.

"Those are the ignorant words of my children and their mates. This pack is family. No matter what."

Rilou's mother beamed, while the other Lucario mumbled amongst themselves.

Background!Lucario #1: “Father, was that really necessary to bring up-?”

Grandfather Alpha:

“Really, did you think that I wouldn’t notice you bagging on one of your siblings repeatedly?”

"You shall lead a team to take this predator down for the sake of our pack," said Grandfather Alpha. "I wish you luck."

Wow. Such help. Very support.

Background!Lucario #2: “W-Wait, team? But from the way that we’ve lost multiple packmates to this thing in the past couple of days, wouldn’t it be good at hunting us?”

Grandfather Alpha:

"Don't worry, that predator's as good as gone."

Riolu looked between his father, mother, and Grandfather Alpha and then the other packmates, the latter of which were still grumbling among themselves, with concern.

Wait, is that Ginji who’s meant to be saying that line there? Or his mate? Since it’s a bit unclear at the moment.

That night, in a small cavern, Riolu was nestled up with his mother while Ginji was keeping watch. Riolu slowly got up and approached his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"Are you gonna be OK?"

No, but you and him don’t know that yet.

[ ]

"Well, I never know for sure. What exactly do you mean?"

"With this predator. Do you really think you can take it on?"

[ ]

"Oh, that thing? Sure I can! It's just another Pokemon, and we Pokemon have strengths, weaknesses, all that that can be advantages and disadvantages. If you know how to use those, you're golden." He paused. "At least, that's what my old Trainer always taught me."

Famous last words, there. Though this is another moment where throwing in description would potentially add quite a bit, since it’d be a handy way of gauging to what extent Ginji actually has this genuine confidence and to what extent he’s putting up a brave face for his child.

"Did you trust your old Trainer?"

[ ]

"...Yes. While he was alive, more than anyone in the world."

"That's a lot."

"Yes. Yes it is."

[ ]

"I trust you, Dad."

Yeeeeeeah, that trust was probably a bit misplaced there.

[ ]

Ginji gave a bird smile. "Thanks, so-"

A yell echoed. Ginji stood at attention. Riolu's mother bolted upright.

"Riolu! Stay here!" said his mother.

"We'll take care of this!" said Ginji.

Whelp, so much for having to go all the way out to track down the ‘zard. Though I wonder if depending on whatever Aura / feelings Riolu’s mom is picking up, if she should be a bit more visibly unsettled or freaking out right now.

They bolted off.

Riolu, naturally, waited a bit before following.

Ah yes, only good things™ can potentially come of this.

He came across his parents in a battle for their lives. Nearby was a cowering Lucario. Before them was a large reptilian Pokemon, orange scales, large wings, and flaming tail illuminated by the moonlight. The Pokemon breathed jets of flame at Riolu's parents, Ginji zipping out of the way keeping him distracted with Speed Boosts, and his mother lobbing Aura Spheres at his head.

Okay, not that there isn’t some element of “cut to the good stuff” involved here, but I wonder if this sequence in this paragraph is a bit too sped up right now, or else there should’ve been more of a sense of time passing played up before Riolu catches up. Since we go from Riolu watching his parents leave ready for a dangerous mission to him walking in on them struggling not to get overpowered without much of a thematic transition between the two. The way I see it, there’s two primary options for smoothing things out:

A: Expand the tail end of the last scene where Riolu waits and initially trusts Ginji’s reassurance only for him to pick up on things going south. e.x. maybe he senses other pack members converging on Ginji and his mom only to abruptly nope out, or he straight-up hears his parents start to yell and gets worried and decides he needs to see what’s going on.
B: Expand the beginning of this scene where Riolu hurries after his parents, comes across Uncle Dampfur cowering behind a bush or whatever visibly worse for wear from almost becoming Charizard food and asks where his parents are. Cue hearing obvious signs of the battle going south through sound and/or and Riolu running towards them.

Ginji: “Seriously? Hunting Lucario? You’d think that an apex predator would pick something other than dogs that are mostly skin and bones as a meal.”

Charizard: “Shut up! Do you have any idea just how many Rock-types there are around here? Beggars can’t be choosers!”

The predator roared and rushed the two. Riolu's mother lept aside while Ginji vaulted and delivered a kick to the predator's face. The predator roared in pain, and deciding his quarry wasn't worth the pursuit anymore, flew off into the night. The young Lucario the couple had saved ran back off into the night.

"Do you know what that is?" said Riolu's mother.

"Shit. It's a Charizard." said Ginji. "Powerful critters. Think they're apex predators of wherever they claim territory of. Suspect he's as much showing the pack who's boss as he is claiming meals."

Ah yes, just casually nuking any sympathy we might have for the burny lizard before it gets put down in the story. Though I kinda wonder if there’s other cues that could be played up to sell the sense of “the Charizard is doing this for reasons other than basic survival” such as it being visibly well-fed, which one wouldn’t expect from a predator choosing to make snacks out of a Pokémon that doesn’t exactly have a ton of meat on their bones.

"Do we tell the Alpha?" said Riolu's mother.

"Certainly." said Ginji.

They ran off into the night as well. Riolu quickly headed back to the cave, where the rest of the pack would be nearby.

Wait, did these two ever see or sense Riolu during all of this? Since that admittedly wasn’t super clear there or if Riolu was perched and watching from a hiding place. Though I’m surprised that that rando Lucario there just stayed there the entire time instead of attempting to flee at the first opportunity. Like maybe it’s a “no other cover, will get carried off” thing, but if so, you’d think that there’d be more of a moment afterwards where Ginji and his mate are briefly talking with him/her that can double as a means to bring Riolu up to speed about what’s going on.

Chapter 5

Spoiler

Aaron waited for the ball. And waited, and waited. The other kids and their Pokemon seemed intent to keep it away from him, the "freak" kids, and their Pokemon, but he certainly tried to get it. Finally, it sailed his way, and he reached, stretched, grabbed -

And it sailed down the mountain, bouncing down a gentle slope until it was out of sight amid the trees. Aaron started. Then he looked at the other kids, who were staring at him. One piped up.

"You go get it!"

I’m honestly surprised that Aaron’s even bothering with schoolyard games outside the gang of outcasts when he’s getting this sort of treatment out of it. .-.

Aaron looked to the other "freak" kids and their Pokemon, who shrugged or did the Pokemon equivalent. Aaron groaned and started making his way down.

Aaron: “Gee, thanks for the support, you guys.” >_>;

The bushes and shrubs seemed to claw at his face. He heard wild bird Pokemon squawk and fly away at his approach. Finally he found the ball and reached down for it.


It was then he noticed the ball had landed next to the disfigured corpses of an Aura Guardian and his Sawsbuck. The corpses had suffered various forms of abuse - fire, crushing, acid - and seemed relatively fresh. A Murkrow was in the process of plucking an eye from the Aura Guardian's skull and promptly swallowed it before eyeing Aaron warily.

Yeesh, I see we’re getting into those CWs straight off the bat this chapter.

Aaron stared in horror before vomiting the contents of his lunch earlier that day, forming a puddle next to the bodies, and after regaining his bearings slightly grabbing the ball and racing back to the monastery. As soon as he got back he haphazardly tossed the ball back to the other children - much to their confusion- before going to find Polly. Polly was reading on a bench in the monastery when Aaron found her.

"Kid, what's up?" she said. "Why are you out of breath?"

"Dead Aura Guardian... In the woods... His Pokemon too..."

Wait, so literally none of the kids stopped to ask Aaron what was wrong when he was obviously distraught? Not even the other “freak” kids? Though narratively, I wonder if this works better if Polly is already in the same general vicinity as Aaron, since you’d think that he’d be blurting this out to whoever the first adult he came across was even if it was the school janitor.

Polly's look grew grave. "Show me."

Aaron took Polly out to the woods, down the slope and through the trees, until they reached the dead bodies. Polly looked at them in shock. "Dale... No..." She looked around. "No sign of Melissa but we'd have to search…”

[ ]

“Kid? You're going back to the monastery."

Wait, what happened to all the rest of the kids anyways? Since if they’re all still in the schoolyard, you’d think that Polly would take a moment to shoo them away indoors so that way they wouldn’t also come across the mutilated corpses on their own.

Aaron nodded and headed back once again, but the image of Dale and his Sawsbuck's dead bodies were thoroughly burnt into his mind.

I actually just realized, but has Aaron ever seen or run into Dale in and around the academy or whatever? Since even if it’s something as simple as “oh, he was that guy who was sometimes talking to Polly”, it’d still make this hit closer to home for Aaron and be something that might be worth leaning into for how distressing it is for him that “background guy I took for granted is now dead and I just watched a bird eat his eye”.

Polly now had two other Aura Guardians gathered with her around the corpses with their Pokemon: Vince, a Dark Obscuric, with his Honchkrow Henry, and Ryan, leader of the Genesis Mountain Aura Guardians, with his Swampert. Polly's Metagross was there too, analytically scanning the bodies. Henry tried to peck at Dale's Sawsbuck's remains when Vince gave him a stern look and he backed off with a disappointed coo.

Henry’s just gleefully waxing poetic about how this is a beautiful scene of carnage in Pokémon speak right now, isn’t he? :V

"Did Aaron see any sign of who did this?" said Ryan.

"Not at all," said Polly. "Kid just stumbled upon them playing ball."

[ ]


"Ryan? Metagross? Can you track them, Ryan, Metagross?" said asked Vince.

"I would," said Ryan, "But someone's been good about covering their tracks."

Another moment that IMO would benefit from taking a moment to drop in some more body language or internal thoughts.

~It's likely they teleported out somehow,~ said Metagross.

[ ]


"And Melissa and her Luxray are missing too..." said Polly.

[ ]

~No sign of them either,~ said Metagross. Ryan's Swampert shifted uneasily.

This probably would make sense to slow down and show off the creeping

vibe settling in on the Aura Guardian gang here.

[ ]

"Shit," said Vince. "This isn't good. At all. Someone's after us and we don't know who."

Oh, so this is a direct parallel to what’s going on with Riolu and his pack, huh? I didn’t remember this in the v1, but it’s certainly a nice touch. Even if it’s now got me worried that Aaron’s going to see some combination of his teachers die in front of him.

[ ]

"We need to fortify our defenses in case whoever did this strikes again," said Ryan. And we're going to have to investigate this event as much as we can." He turned to Polly and Vince. "We three will head the investigation team. I will ask Nightjar for help as well."

"I'll ask Carol and Hannah then," said Polly.

[ ]

Vince groaned. "Hannah? Really?"

Polly frowned. "She's perfectly qualified for this," said Polly. "Plus she's our friend."

Some more spots that IMO would benefit from added description.

"You and Carol's friend, maybe," said Vince. "She's too bubbly and picks on me and gets on my nerves."

"Be mature, Vince," said Ryan. "I trust Polly's judgement and so should you."

[ ]

"Alright, fine," said Vince.

Henry snickered. So did Ryan's Swampert. Even Metagross joined in. Vince gave them all harsh looks.

Ryan: “... Wait, have we just left Dale and his Sawsbuck’s bodies just sitting there in the open all this time? We did remember to bring tarps to cover and wrap them up in, right?” ^^;

[ ]

It was then, however, that Metagross turned to the others. ~There is one thing I sensed I should note.~

"What is it?" said Polly.

~One of the murderers had powers like your own.~

inb4 it was an inside job, since… yeah. Humans with auric abilities don’t exactly grow on trees in this setting and they’re disproportionately concentrated in and around this academy.

Aaron had spent all day thinking about the bodies and being pestered by the others about the interruption of the ball game and subsequent involvement of Polly and further subsequent security lockdown of the monastery for several hours. He wanted to sleep. He ignored the noises made by his bunkmates as he climbed into bed.

Was he gonna be okay? His mother said Dialga would always protect him, and he believed that with all his heart. But his father had believed the same thing and... and…

- Thinking back to the 5 minutes of M08 -

Lol. Lmao.

He tried to push the memories out of his mind and as always they came back stronger and stronger until exhaustion claimed him.

Aaron:

Aaron woke up in a place that was definitely not his room. He looked around to find himself in a red cavern of sorts, with black veins crisscrossing it. He immediately froze when he saw what was perched at the end of the cavern.

There before him, with massive wings, crooked talons, and sharp beak, was her. The dread Yveltal, death and destruction goddess of Kalos.

~Well,~ she said. ~Isn't this a wonderful first meeting?~

Aaron:

Yveltal: ~Yeah, yeah. I get that a lot.~ ^v^

She can talk like Metagross does? thought Aaron. Probably because she's a goddess...

~You are correct,~ said Yveltal.

Aaron gulped. "I-I guess you can hear me no matter what..."

[ ]

~Also correct!~

I kinda wonder if some description should’ve been given for Yveltal to indicate what her general demeanor is and if she’s going for some sort of intimidating vibe or if she’s making herself more approachable than what might be expected for a death goddess.

Aaron: “Why me?”

Yveltal: ~Because I found it amusing? Also, I had something I wanted to tell you, clearly.~

"What are you here for?"

~To warn you my dear...~ She leaned in close - uncomfortably close - and gave a beaky grin. ~You know full well your first encounter with death wasn't with the corpses in the woods. And those will be far from your last encounters either.~

Ah yes, I know where things will be going around the academy after this:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjizCnqeJTY

[ ]

"I... I..."

~You have a long road ahead of you, Aaron. Just remember - Death is inescapable. Even if it doesn't find you... You'll just find it.~

Oh my god, it’s Pharos from Persona 3. But as a giant death bird with cataracts. All that’s missing is the creepy wave goodbye and “we’ll meet again” from her.

She suddenly lunged, talons bared. Aaron screamed and tried to shield himself with his arms.

Well, scratch the creepy wave goodbye there.

Aaron woke up in a cold sweat, not bolting upright but panting, feeling paralyzed. Eventually the numbness wore off and he sat up, staring off into space, before collapsing again and waiting for dawn to come.

He didn’t sleep a wink that night, did he? ^^;

The next morning, Aaron was sitting by himself, exhausted, despite the insistence from the other members of his group to join them.

"Are you sure you don't wanna have breakfast?" said Callie.

"We know you like grits," said Eve.

Aaron:

Eve: “... Is that a maybe?” ^^;

"I'm... Fine," said Aaron.

[ ]

"Whatever then," said Louis.

"Let's just go," said Atta.

Narrator: “He was absolutely not fine. Though this feels like another part that would benefit from showing the reaction of his roomates there, since they’re a bit hard to read in vibe right now.

The four left, their Pokemon looking back and chittering amongst themselves with concern. Aaron just kind of stared after until he heard a telepathic voice in his head.

~You okay kid?~

Aaron jumped before realizing that the voice was not Yveltal's but that of Polly's Metagross next to him. ~Polly wanted me to check up on you after yesterday and, well, I always feel sorry for you humans easily.~

Aaron: “Wait, how on earth did you just sneak into our room like-?” O_O;
Metagross: ~Magnet Rise. Always handy for getting around quietly.~ ^x^

[ ]

"Er yes, I'm totally, absolutely... Not okay. I had a nightmare last night."

[ ]

~After seeing what you did I don't blame you. That said you probably should eat. Not eating's hell on the for dealing with anxiety, I should know after knowing Polly all her life.~ He paused. ~Don't tell her I said that.~

Despite himself Aaron managed a snicker. "I won't!"

Why am I getting a feeling that this tidbit is going to wind up becoming dramatically less funny at some point later on in the story?

[ ]

~Good. Now come on, let's go eat with your friends. I can definitely convince them to give you food if they say you're late.~

Aaron smiled. "Thanks."

He followed Metagross out. [ ]

Some other bits that feel like they’d benefit from showing off more of the little body language cues or internal thoughts of these characters.

The small purple creature watched the small biped and large quadruped head off from their hiding place. It couldn't understand the words of the creatures of this dimension, though was starting to pick up a few. What they did know was that the place the two were going had food.

Stealthily, the purple creature floated after them. It floated through a gap in a window and looked around a small room. Suddenly, a noise. The purple creature hid as a biped entered the room, looked around, picked something up, and left. In its wake the creature noticed it had dislodged a small, green and red sphere from a nearby box. They inspected it, then tasted it. It was edible, success. The purple creature nibbled happily on their newfound prize.

Oh, this is a Poipole, isn’t it? That’s definitely something that I didn’t remember from the v1 of this story.

A number of Lucario were gathered around Ginji. [ ]

"What's the plan, birdbrain?" said one.

"We're going to corner the thing in its den," said Ginji, "and I'll be at the center holding it off while we all take it down."

Words do not begin to describe how terrible an idea this is, since you’d think that a large, flying predator would deliberately pick places to roost that would be a serious pain to attack from the ground.

[ ]

"What if it goes after us?" said another Lucario. "With those fire attacks we're toast! Literally!"

"My job is to make sure that doesn't happen," said Ginji. "Now come on."

Lucario:

Ginji: “I swear to gods, if these ‘mons turn and bail on me…” >v>;

The group stalked off into the forest, Ginji keeping his sharp eyes peeled while the Lucario had their Aura feelers flared. Eventually, the group reached what appeared to be a den. They stood stock still and silent while Ginji scanned it.

"Okay," he said, whispering. "We're going to quietly go in there and-"

"Look out!" shouted a Lucario.

Wow, that didn’t take long for things to go sideways there.

Ginji looked over just in time to see the Charizard ram into him from the side rather than from the entrance to the den. The Charizard attempted to bite down on Ginji with a Crunch and managed to injure his shoulder, but not before Ginji could sock him in the jaw with an Aura-infused punch. The Charizard was further annoyed by being pelted with Aura Spheres from the assorted Lucario, before flying upward and launching a Heat Wave, which caused the Lucario to quickly fall back. Ginji wasn't so phased and hurled a rock at the Charizard, hitting him badly and causing him to swoop out of view.

I’m… a little surprised that the Charizard didn’t go with a Flying attack there given that that’s its other set of STAB moves it has to work with. Though in general, this entire singular paragraph feels like it could be a few smaller paragraphs showing things more blow by blow here.

"Yeah, that's right, run away, you overgrown reptil- urk!"

A wicked sharp blade of air left a massive, bleeding gash across Ginji's chest. As he fell over, bleeding out, the Charizard lunged at the Lucario group, as they attempted to dart out of the way. One took advantage of the chaos to hurl another rock at the Charizard's wing with a sickening crack, causing him to roar in pain and trample off for real this time. The Lucario then turned to the badly bleeding Ginji.

"Oh no... What the hell do we do?"

Wait, so the Charizard escaped again after all of that? Or was the idea that it was grounded and fell off a cliff? Since it’s a bit unclear to me what just happened since you’d think that even if the Charizard was crippled, that these Lucario wouldn’t be content to just let it limp off when it killed and ate multiple members of their pack and presumably would do it again if it recovered.

Though yeah, again, another moment that would benefit from being more blow-by-blow.

Also, I kinda wonder if there should’ve been the Lucario pack equivalent of “Those Two Guys” or something introduced earlier on in the story, since the moment of the Charizard getting grounded and someone going for Ginji both don’t have quite the same impact if the character that does it doesn’t have a face associated with them.

Though nobody here was tough enough to know Heal Pulse? I mean, I suppose it’s not inconceivable since that’s a Level 42+ move, but you’d think that at the very least Grandfather Alpha would know it and that it’d be acknowledged somehow.

[ ]

"Do we just... Leave him?"

"Father Alpha would be furious... We need to bring him back. See if he can be saved..."

[ ]

<><><>


They picked up the still-bleeding Ginji and hauled him, dripping with blood the whole way, back to the pack. Riolu and his mother noticed their return and gasped in horror.

"G-Ginji!"

"Dad!"

Enough time goes by in that one paragraph that you should strongly consider dividing it up, especially since there’s a strong argument that they’d take place during different times of the day. After all, for Ginji’s strategy to ambush the Charizard, the best time for him to attempt that would be at some time when they expect the Charizard will be asleep since it’s literally dangerous for the entire party.

They rushed over to his side, Ginji looking at them weakly.

"Honey... Son... it'll be alright..."

Narrator: “It will not be alright, and your mate most likely can literally feel the life draining out of you.”

Also, yeah. If Grandfather Alpha or somebody else back at home base knows Heal Pulse, you’d think that they’d hurry over to try and stabilize Ginji, even if it’s obviously far too late for him at this point.

[ ]

Tears fell down Lucario's mother's face. "Ginji, no..."

"D-Dad?" said Riolu. "Are you..."

[ ]


Ginji placed a talon on Riolu's paw. "Son... You're gonna do big things beyond this pack... I just know it.... Do... Me... Proud..."

Wait, how Aura-sensitive is Riolu right now? If he’s already got a passable command, it might make sense to make an explicit not of him feeling Ginji’s aura perceptibly growing faint as it starts to sink in on him that his dad’s dying.

"D-dad..."

Ginji said no more. He fell limp.

I mean, I had some quibbles with execution and I knew it was coming, but this still hurt to read. :<

It had been a few days since Ginji's death. Riolu's mother was sitting away from the pack, staring off into space.

Eventually she felt an Aura behind her, felt a forepaw touch hers. She looked to see it was her son.

"Mom?" he said.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Now... Now that dad's gone I worry I don't belong in the pack anymore. That I'm not safe..."

Lucario: “Th-The others would surely remember Ginji’s sacrifice! He got himself killed to avenge the-!”

Riolu: “But the others said that it wasn’t clear whether or not the Charizard died or not.”
Lucario: “... Er… well…”

"What? No, of course you're-" The words got caught in her throat.

"I... I want to find someplace else. Anyplace else. And I want you to come with me."

[ ]

"I... I can't."

[ ]

"Why not?"

"Grandfather Alpha... I can't leave him..."

I kinda wonder if Lucario here should lay out her logic for staying behind a bit more explicitly, since from a “needs of the many” perspective, she actually has a pretty strong argument for taking her line here:

Riolu’s pack has lost multiple pack members to that Charizard within the span of a few days, which if the Charizard was deliberately picking off Lucario to send a message, might take literal years to recoup their numbers until enough of the pack’s Riolu survive nature being nature and evolve to take their place.

Worse still, there are others that are potentially wounded to the point that they won’t survive without packmates tending to them for at least the short-term future, and the Charizard might still be alive out there and in need of being properly put down before it can fly again. All of which would make this precisely the wrong moment for the pack to lose yet another Lucario and if enough things go wrong at the wrong time, could send it into a death spiral that would collapse it entirely.

Like from the perspective of someone who genuinely loves her siblings and other family in the pack, even if they’re dicks sometimes, the alternative is leaving them at a bad time where their future is uncertain, and articulating that would likely make Lucario’s decision here hit harder.

Riolu: “Why not? It’s not like anyone else in this pack likes me. We can leave and start our own!”

"The pack doesn't love me. You do."

[ ]


"I do. And... I think if you want to do this you are strong enough to go on your own."

[ ]

"But... I can't leave you..."

Yeah, this is another moment where showing off more of the body language and internal thoughts would go a longer way to turning up the

factor a bit more. Also, I just realized, but you potentially have a way of telegraphing this “the pack doesn’t love me”-ness by showing off how the others are reacting as Ginji’s dying. Like, they probably have the tact not to blatantly go:

But little things like slinking off awkwardly instead of staying to grieve would go a long way towards hammering home the sense of “I don’t belong here, and I’ll never belong here” for Riolu.

Riolu's mother nodded. "I'll be OK. The pack will re-accept me before long. Your father was right. You can do better."

[ ]


"I..."

There was a pause. Then Riolu embraced his mother, careful to avoid her chest spike. She embraced him back.

"Take care... It's a dangerous world out there, but you're smart, and brave, and I know you'll find safe haven eventually."

Wow, not even walking your child off to the edge of pack territory, huh? Like I’m pretty sure that it’s not intentional, but you probably should provide a bit more context behind her decision here (e.x. “can’t risk losing another Lucario”) since this kinda undercuts the heartfelt moment otherwise.

"I know you're right Mom."

Riolu stared at her a while longer.

Then he turned and broke off into a run.

I’m pretty sure that this chapter used to go differently back in the day, but boy does this version of events sting.

And moving right along with a review of Chapter 6 in its own post since I can't be bothered to undo image tags:

 

[Spiteful Murkrow]

Chapter 6

Spoiler

Aaron was staring down the dummy. It seemed to stare back. Desperate, he sized it up, looking for a weak point. The dummy did not yield.

Finally Aaron's fist charged with Aura, and he yelled, barreled toward the dummy. The dummy broke... But the recoil sent Aaron flat on his back.

"Really trying to show off, huh?" said a voice.

Aaron looked up to see Lewis and Rook approaching. [ ]

"You don't get it!" said Aaron, sitting up. "I have to do this!"

IMO, it makes sense to show off more of Aaron’s inner thought process here. Like I think the idea is that he’s been affected by his dream visit by Yveltal and trying to toughen up as a reflexive response here and maybe in an extension of the very first paragraph of the chapter, since that’s ultimately just a guess for what’s going on in Aaron’s mind and it’s not obvious from the text that that’s what’s happening.

"Why?"

"Dangerous stuff is happening! If I don't get stronger people will get hurt!"

Yeah, I had a feeling there.

[ ]

"You talking about the weird stuff you saw the other day? The stuff the senior Aura Guardians were all worried about?"

[ ]

"...Y-yeah."

Rook clicked his scythes together awkwardly. [ ]

"I hate to say it but you don't stand a chance," said Lewis. "Whatever killed that guy's not to be messed with by kids like us. So don't be stupid and leave it to the adults."

Aaron: “Gee, aren’t you Mr. Positivity right now?” >_>;

"But I'm the one who found the dead guy! It's on me! And I'm tired of being weak!"

[ ]

"Listen. You're just gonna get yourself killed. Give up like I did."

Well that would be a really boring story if Aaron listened to you, so we’re just going to do:

To that advice instead.

"...Like you did?"

[ ]

"...You heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. Stop making things up."

"But you just said-"

[ ]

"Yadayada I can't hear you! I'm out of here."

Kek, so Lewis gets a turn at the MGS3 Peachi comic panel there. Though yeah. Another spot where it makes sense to describe reactions and inner thoughts to show there being more of a transition in mood and the like.

Lewis stormed off. Rook turned to Aaron and uttered a "Scyther scythe..." in an attempt to tell Aaron something, then chittered sadly and loped off after his human companion. [ ]

"I gotta find someone else to help..." said Aaron.

I mean, I’d suggest Polly’s Metagross, but there’s a nonzero chance that you wouldn’t survive training with him. ^^;

Aaron was looking around the monastery, trying to find someone who could help him in his quest. Those he did find, however, either did not acknowledge him or said "sorry"or the like before moving on. Finally, however, he found Callie and Munchkin.

"You guys! I need your help!"

"What with?" said Callie, her perpetually slurred voice distinct as ever. Munchkin gave a curious hiss.

"I need to find a way to get stronger!"

Callie:

"Stronger huh?" said Callie, scratching her chin. "Stronger how?"

[ ]

"Uh, I don't know, however-"

"I have just the thing!" said Callie.

Huh, she’s more supportive than I thought there.

She grabbed Aaron's arm and started pulling him along, Aaron looked on worriedly as Munchkin snickered. They eventually reached a dark, musty room of the monastery that smelled like... wait, what was that smell?

Scratch that about her being supportive there.

"Now where is it..." said Callie, rummaging around.

"Where's what?"

[ ] Callie eventually pulled out a bottle of swirling black liquid.

"It's my special Necrozma tonic! Made it myself."

Callie: “Guaranteed to power you right up! You’ll try it, won’t you?” ^^
Aaron:

"...This will help me get stronger?"

[ ]


"Yep! Improves the cons... cons... Constitution!"

[ ]


"Okay..."

Aaron opened the bottle, tasted it... and immediately gagged.

"What's in this thing?"

"Oh, ground up Beedrill thorax, Goodra slime, essence of Oddish leaf, eye of Sobble... you know, the works!" said Callie, grinning and displaying her unusually pointy teeth.

Aaron:

Callie: “Feeling the power flow right through you, huh?” ^^

"...Why?"

"For Necrozma!"

[ ]

"I uh, think I might need to find some other way," Aaron said, heading off.

"Okay, take care!" said Callie!

Aaron: “(Yeah, I should go and try training with Metagross or something, huh?)”

Munchkin simply snickered again.

Yeah, this was totally all a prank, wasn’t it?

Aaron looked further around the monastery, trying to find someone who at least looked helpful. In the process he did not notice two shapes sneaking behind him, until it was too late.

A roar echoed out as the two shapes lunged toward Aaron, one tackling him as he screamed.

After a second, realizing he wasn't dead, he looked up to see Atta snarling and breathing in his face, as Stabby waved his arms around nearby.

"Uh, hi?" said Aaron.

Wait, who are these two again? I assume that one of these two is a Pokémon, so it might make sense to remind the readers of their species since I’m pretty sure it’s been a while since we’ve seen this pair in-story.

Atta just snarled more. Stabby continued waving his arms about.

"Is there a... reason for this?"

"Practice," Stabby replied.

"For what?"

[ ]

"Hunting. Getting... stronger."

Why are you practicing this inside a monastery?

Stabby gave some clicks and an "ard!" of affirmation. Aaron's eyes lit up.

[ ]

"Really? Maybe you could help me!"

"With what?"

"Getting stronger!"

[ ]

"No. You're too weak."

Some more spots where it probably makes sense to take things a bit slower and expand them a bit.

"I can change that!"

Ah, looks like I jumped the gun a bit on that Bender gif earlier.

Atta raised an eyebrow. Stabby chuckled.

"The laws of the wild are cruel, little one."

Yeah, as the other half of this story has been discovering in live-time.

It was Aaron's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You... know those kinds of words?"

[ ]

"Sometimes."

[ ]

"...What happened to you anyway?"

"Not your business. Don't ask."

Wait, what words is Aaron referring to there? Since there wasn’t anything about Stabby’s dialogue right beforehand that seemed particularly eloquent or flowery.

"Okay. But will you teach me the whole getting stronger thing?"

[ ]

"No."

[ ]

"...Okay."

Aaron got up and left, glancing worriedly at Atta and Stabby the whole while.

Aaron: “... (Yeah, I really should just skip ahead to Metagross, shouldn’t I?)”

Aaron was glancing around one of the courtyards of the monastery when he noticed Eve and Iuroidea. Perking up, he approached them, and tapped Eve on the shoulder.

"Eve? Do you know any advice for getting stronger?"

~...How so?~

"Like... Just... Stronger."

[ ] Iuroidea faceclawed.

Oh hey, there’s a gif for this moment:

~That's awfully vague..." said Eve. "You need a more coherent goal than that. Like how I don't want my powers to-~

She stopped. [ ]

"To what?"

[ ]


"Never mind."

No, no. You can go on with this a bit more, Eve?

Aaron blinked. Why wasn't she using telepathy anymore?

Eve’s dialogue format is inconsistent with her outright saying things with her voice. At first I thought that it was a typo and that you meant to ditch the quotation marks for tildes.

"Anyway..." said Eve. "You could probably start by standing up for yourself?"

[ ]

"Standing up for myself?"

"Yeah. Like... Showing people who's boss."

[ ]

"Ryan's the boss though."

[ ]

"Not literally. Just... Be more assertive."

"Insertive?"

[ ]

"No. Like... If someone gives you a hard time, don't just take it. Give them a hard time back and make them back off."

[ ]

"I can do that?" said Aaron, his eyes lighting up.

Yeeeeeeeah, I can already tell that this will not end well for Aaron. Especially since I’m not fully convinced that Eve’s idea of being assertive is a healthy one.

"Well yeah but it takes some practice..."

[ ]

"Practice... I can do that! I know just the thing!"

He rushed off.

[ ]

"...He's doomed," said Eve.

Iuroidea nodded sternly.

Ah yes, totally a supportive duo there. /s

Gabriel was content. He was resting on a mat he'd stolen from the monastery, Patricia curled up beside him.

And then the pebble hit him.

Oh. Oh noooo...

He wasn't even hurt. He almost didn't react. But the words that came immediately after made his eyes snap open.

"Hey loser!"

Gabriel stood up, glowering, then turned to the source of the voice. There, standing proudly, was Aaron. With a pile of pebbles.

"You... You smell! You're the smelliest! Yeah!"

Well, looks like we’re going to find out what will go wrong in really short order. Though I just realized… Gabe’s Pokémon is an Onix, while Aaron’s first Pokémon will obviously be Riolu… I take it that there’s going to be a curbstomp in Aaron’s favor at some point.

… Even if he has some problems to go through beforehand first.

Gabriel gave a mirthless chuckle. "Pathetic."

He snapped his fingers twice. The first caused a blast that sent the pebble pile flying, some striking Aaron and leaving gashes. The second sent Aaron himself sprawling.

Aaron groaned, before Gabriel stomped on his chest.

"Let's face it. I know why I'm top of the food chain. I know why you're not. Know your place."

… Maybe it’ll take longer for that smackdown by Riolu to happen than I thought. Since if Gabe himself can do this with psychic abilities, I’m going to take the under that a Riolu wouldn’t be affected by them.

[ ]

"Why... though?" said Aaron.

Gabriel gave an uncharacteristic frown. "That's my business. Not yours."

"You're not... Like the bullies that used to bug me." said Aaron. "You don't... do it out of fear. You seem to do it... for some other reason... Why?"

[ ]


"Shut up before I Psyshock you again."

I’m honestly surprised that Gabe didn’t just casually smack Aaron there given that this subject is very clearly touching a nerve right now.

By now, Patricia was looking over them with concern. [ ]

"Come on Pat. The weakling's learned his lesson. We're done here."

He headed off. Patricia, on the other hand, seemed to slither off in a completely different direction. Aaron just lay where he was, trying to ignore the pain of the gashes.

Aaron: “Note to self, Eve gives terrible advice.”

Then Patricia returned, and this time she was accompanied by the mysterious child Aaron saw before.

"Thanks Pat!" said the child. "I'll take it from here."

Oh, hello again, Mew. Though I see that she can outright speak in human languages.

Patricia nodded, and slithered off after Gabriel. The child started looking Aaron over, and from there Aaron could get a better look at his appearance.

He looked about fourteen, with very fine clothing, all in various shades of pink. Long pink hair framed blue eyes and a yourhful face. And... was that a tail? It looked illusory, like it wasn't even there.

"Hey! Need help there?"

[ ]

"Well... duh," said Aaron.

Aaron: “Couldn’t you tell from the obvious cuts all over my body right now?” >_>;
Mysterious Child: “Just checking!” ^^;

"Okay, gimmie a second..."

Before his eyes Aaron watched the boy transform into a large, blue shrimp-like Pokemon that blasted a pulse of pink energy at his wounds. Within an instant, they healed, and the boy reverted to normal.

"Wow! That was incredible!" said Aaron, sitting up. "You gotta teach me how to do that!"

I did a double-take there at the Clawitzer before I realized that this was just Mew using Transform. I do kinda wonder if there was a thematic missed opportunity for Mew to not transform into Lucario given that A: Lucario learn Heal Pulse by levelup since Gen 5, B: I’m pretty sure this is either the chapter where Aaron gets his bludoge or the one just before it.

"Uh, I'm not sure Transform is a move you Auric humans can cover."

"Aw really? Thanks though."

[ ]

"No problem! In return... You got any toys?"

Wait, Aaron didn’t notice the ‘you Auric humans’ at all there? I can’t tell whether or not that was deliberate.

[ ]


"Uh... Not really no. Never had any of my own."

Aaron: “I was kinda born to impoverished peasants, so a lot of my fun was just blowing stuff up with Aura on accident.” ^^;

[ ]

"What? Ah geez. You Aura Guardian kids usually have some good stuff."

Aaron raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

[ ]

"Yeah! Though not as good as the Rotan kids. Those guys are loaded! Like my Rotan noble getup by the way? They're suckers for it." The boy started for a second. "Oh, by the way? Name's Mithos."

I looked this up on Google and… a major backstory character from Tales of Symphonia, huh? Dunno if that was a deliberate allusion or not.

[ ]

"Why do you collect toys, Mithos?"

Because Mithos is really Mew and childish Mews are a dime a dozen in official series material?

"Where I live? I get bored. Real bored. Human toys are my go-to for fixing that."

In a jungle temple deep in Guyana? ^^;

[ ]

"Oh, neat!" said Aaron.


He looked over at where Gabriel went. [ ]

"Why is he like that?"

"Some people... are just... Jerks? Damn kid keeps getting away with being the way he is, even with more powerful Psychics around he's good at playing innocent and getting people not to talk."

"No it's not that! I saw his Aura when I was sneaking up on him! It was different from my old bullies but not like that!"

I mean, it was implied that he had some sort of Fruedian Excuse, but Gabe is just kinda a dick right now in the absence of further character development, Aaron.

[ ]

"...Huh. Kid, you're smarter than you look."

"Than- Hey!"

Mithos snickered.

Yeah, you walked right into that one, Aaron. o<o

~You.~ said a voice.

Aaron and Mithos turned to see Metagross leering at the latter. [ ]


"Well well well!" said Mithos. "If it isn't Mr. No Fun Allowed!"

~Get away from the kid.~

Aaron: “Um… Metagross? Should I be worried right now?”

"I was helping him! This bully roughed him up, see, and I healed him! Simple as that."

[ ]


~I shouldn't have to ask twice.~

"I shouldn't have to ask twice!" Mithos repeated mockingly. "Fine, fine." He turned to Aaron. "You owe me one toy." And with that, he turned back to Metagross, stuck out his tounge at him, and teleported away.

Aaron:

“Wait, what on earth just happened, anyways?”

[ ]

"Why'd you yell at him like that?" said Aaron.

This part feels like it’d benefit from some description to provide more of a transition into Aaron being puzzled and/or crabby with Metagross.

~He is not to be trusted, Aaron.~ said Metagross. ~Stay away from him.~

Aaron: “‘He is not to be trusted’? Wait, so then are you implying that Mithos was a…?”

"But-"

Too late. Metagross was trudging off. Aaron hmphed, sighed, and headed back to his room.

The quest to get stronger would have to wait another day.

Alas, Aaron didn’t put two and two together between the exact words that Mithos and Metagross used there, even if the readers almost certainly did.

Polly was looking around the monastery carefully when a pink-haired Aura Guardian with a Musharna companion approached her.

"Oh! Hello Nightjar, LazyBones," said Polly. "Have you seen Metagross?"

"We have not," said Nightjar, "but that's not what we're here for."

~It's a message from Ryan,~ said LazyBones, floating idly as mist drifted from his head.

[ ]


"...What kind of message?"

Considering the background events that have been going on, I’m sure only good things™ can come of this.

"Regarding the murders and disappearances. In addition to our efforts we will also be seeking... outside help."

"What? We're doing perfectly fine on our own."

[ ]


"And you have how much new evidence of the culprit?"

[ ]

"Ha ha. We'll get there."

I can already see those two’s [unamusedwott] faces right now. Even if it’d probably make sense to describe them a bit more explicitly.

[ ]

"This is a serious matter, Polly."

[ ]

"Well you and Ryan aren't taking me seriously! We can handle this."

Narrator: “They absolutely cannot handle this.”

"Don't be so stubborn. This will be beneficial to all of us."

~You're getting awfully defensive,~ said LazyBones.

[ ]

"...Fine. But we'll get it done, with this outside help or not."

She stormed off [ ], only then running into Metagross.

IMO, it probably makes sense to show off more of Polly’s inner thought process as she’s leaving. Like how does she feel about outsiders swooping in to poke around with this murder mystery?

"There you are! Where were you?"


~Dealing with... a nuisance,~ said Metagross.

Polly sighed. "Same."

Wait, has Metagross just kept Mithos’ identity secret from Polly all this time? Or is she also in on it but he comes around so often that his appearances are “for me it was Tuesday”-tier? ^^;

Riolu wandered through the forest, lost, seeking a place to stay. The trees and rocks seemed to stretch on forever, but he knew he had to keep going.

It was then he heard a noise.

His head turned to see a very familiar Charizard stomping through the bush. He didn't notice Riolu at first, but Riolu was frozen in fear, and soon their eyes locked. There was a long moment of silence before the Charizard spoke.

Oh, so the Charizard not being killed off last chapter was deliberate.

"...You'll do."

The Charizard lunged. Riolu bolted and ran.

Riolu: “Oh my gods! Seriously?! Can’t you go and try and eat a Skiddo or something! I don’t exactly have a lot of meat on my bones here!”

Charizard: “Maybe not, but you’ll get a message across to those miserable blue mutts that messed up my wing. That’s more than worth the lack of meat.”

He zigzagged through the underbrush, the Charizard charging behind him all the way. He ran past trees and boulders and then straight into a pair of Furret.

"Hey! What's the rush?" said one Furret.

The other Furret pointed and screamed, and the two and Riolu darted out of the way as the Charizard charged.

Well, that’s an

for those Furret there.

Riolu kept going, not caring how sore his legs got, fear of his impending demise keeping him going. Then he came across a ravine.

He paused, quickly judging if he could make it over the gap. Then, knowing he'd be doomed anyway if he didn't, he leapt, sailing far and far and - just barely grabbing the ledge and hoisting himself up.

He almost paused to congratulate himself but heard stomping behind him and remembered Charizard could fly.

Riolu: “H-His wing’s still broken right now, right?”

So he kept running, running that intensified as he heard wingbeats behind him, until he came across a cave barely visible in the undergrowth and darted inside.

So Ginji and the Lucario’s attack didn’t even meaningfully cripple the Charizard. Wonderful.

Riolu darted along the corridors and stalactites, eventually hiding behind one of the former to catch his breath. He heard the Charizard enter behind him.

"Heh, you've been giving me good exercise, kid. But you're going down."

I kinda wonder if it makes sense for this Charizard to articulate his motivations a bit more, since A: it’s obviously not just a matter of “lunch” given that he passed up on two very roastable Furret that would’ve probably been better eating, B: if he’s going to die in painful, horrible fashion in short order, it helps to prime the audience to not feel sorry for him since his decision-making isn’t even “apex predator doing apex predator things opportunistically” but being informed by outright malice.

More stomps.


"You see, I'm not just doing this for a meal. Mons like you are competition. And I want to will be the absolute alpha of my territory."

Oh, there’s his motivation there. But… yeah. I’m not sure if Charizard’s logic fully makes sense here, since at least from the perspective of a giant, burny lizard, a little bipedal dog that’s less than two-and-a-half feet tall that would probably die from a sufficiently stiff Gust and likely get culled by mother nature once all his bigger, more metallic counterparts are dealt with isn’t a meaningful threat or challenge.

Like this feels more like the sort of thing that one might do if one’s ability to go after said threats and challenges directly were impeded and one is still looking for ways to hurt them and telegraph “I’m still out here and I’ll be back”.

The stomps grew closer. Riolu could see the light of the Charizard's tail, hear his breathing.

"And if it means killing every last one of you here than so be i-"

A massive shape lunged out of the depths of the cavern, past Riolu and right at the Charizard. Riolu could just make out the form of the Charizard being clutched in the massive jaws of a huge creature, before the Charizard was dragged screaming into the darkness, its tail light winking out.

Well then.

Riolu stood completely still as the mincing of flesh and the crunching of bone grew quieter and quieter until it faded to silence. He stayed completely still even after that until a booming, feminine voice echoed throughout the cavern.

"Relax, child... I do not wish to harm you. That Charizard was intruding on my domain for a while now... You are not."

A metallic, serpentine creature slithered out from within the depths of the cave. Riolu stood still for just a bit longer before speaking.

I’m… drawing blanks on this one, but I think this might be a Steelix? It’s a bit unclear and might need a bit more details to be clear.

"Your... Domain?"

"Call me the Mountain Keeper. I have been hearing about this Charizard that has been intruding on my lands and being a bully to the populace via through the Zubat that roost in this cave. About time I did him in."

I mean, he was being a bit more than a bully there given that he was killing for what was basically a tiny step up above ‘for sport’. I wonder if something along the lines of ‘scourge’ would be more fitting.

"Th-thank you?"

[ ]

"Doesn't seem the sort of thing I should say "you're welcome" to but I appreciate the sentiment," said the Mountain Keeper. "Now... What's a Riolu like you doing away from your pack? You'd be safer with them."

Riolu paused, then hung his head.

"I don't belong in my pack," he said. "Especially... Not anymore."

Mountain Keeper: “... Do you want me to eat them too, or…?”
Riolu: “No, no, that’s not what I was getting at at all there!” O_O;

"Hmm, I see... Are you looking for a new pack then?"

"...Yes. Yes I am."

"There is a human settlement down the mountain to the east filled with many different humans and Pokemon. Perhaps you can find a new pack there."

[ ]

"...You I can do that?"

I just realized, but with how familiar this ‘Mountain Keeper’ is with humans… this is Mithos, huh? Even if I don’t want to think to hard about what happens to a giant pile of masticated Charizard once he goes back to being pint-sized. ^^;

"Of course. I sense you are strong, young Riolu. Your strength will find you friends in time."

Riolu nodded, then moved to go.

"Oh, though one last thing," said the Mountain Keeper. "I do have a favor to ask of you."

"What is it?"

"I have a daughter that lives with the humans... Do try to find her for me."

U wot m8.

[ ]

"I will. I promise."

Riolu then headed out.

Well, I’m not sure whether or not this is really Mithos or not given the mention of a ‘daughter’, though I suppose the identity of this Mountain Keeper is a story for another day.

… Unless if that Steelix theory was right his daughter is just Gabe’s Onix.

Riolu headed through the trees and rocks, following the sun to try and stick to the Mountain Keeper's directions. Eventually, the trees thinned, and Riolu was met by a sight unlike any he'd ever seen before.

Strange nests stretched out before him, made of stone, clay, and plants. Moving between these nests were Pokemon the likes of which Riolu had never seen before and -

Wait, would he parse those as ‘nests’ or ‘dens’ there?

...What were those? They were so strange, were so lanky - save the few that were chunkier or bulkier - had so little hair, had such flat faces. Were these really the humans his father held in such reverence? The creatures that held such a special bond with Pokemon?

Only one way to find out, he thought.

And he headed in.

Ah yes, and there’s the point where Riolu gets put on course to join up with Aaron.

Alright, as you can gather, I had a lot of stuff to say about this chapter, and a good amount of it was critical. But before we get to that, I want to emphasize that I still had fun reading through things. Like the main draw is the character dynamics for Riolu and Aaron, and seeing them evolve around the world about them spinning apart was still decently compelling. There were also parts of these chapters that were genuinely touching and moving, especially in the sequence with and following Ginji’s death in Chapter 5.

Though onto the criticisms… the most immediate thing that I noticed was that these three chapters felt like they needed more description in general since a number of moments kinda fell flat without them. Like that lack of clarity undercut some moments that were otherwise really important where reader’s read of whatever goes down will hugely affect the mood of certain scenes, e.x. clearly getting across that the Charizard was clearly still alive and especially alive and flightworthy gives the scene where Ginji gets wounded a very different vibe than if the Charizard clumsily tumbled over a ledge with a broken wing and nobody saw what became of him.

There were also a couple of parts where some of the logic of events were things that I wasn’t sure whether or not they made sense. The primary offender I saw was how after it’s revealed that the marauding Charizard was still out there and flightworthy in Chapter 6, why his priority wasn’t to go straight back to a reign of terror picking off Lucario. After all, they stormed up to his den to try and kill him not even a couple days earlier, so not immediately going after the competition that’s a bigger threat and better at rock-chucking than you first thought in favor of the comparably helpless Riolu feels like misplaced priorities short of something happening to make him physically incapable of doing so. Also, the logic Ginji’s mate has for staying behind with her pack didn’t really come through at all in the story. Like if I stopped to think about it, there was a perfectly good reason for her to come to her conclusion, but it wasn’t laid out at all by the actual story’s text.

Lastly, I get that this is a story that goes between Aaron and his bludoge and that this part of the story pre-joining will necessarily go between both sides, but events felt a little too lopsided to Aaron’s end of the story. Especially since we go multiple multi-day skips with bupkis from Riolu’s end of things. IMO, adding at least a couple of the following would go a long way to making things feel more balanced:

• The pack discovering what’s left of the asshole geezer who got roasted and eaten / maybe showing another random getting picked off early on in Chapter 4
• Relaying “we have “Charizard problems” to the rest of the pack and selecting the party to hunt down the Charizard early on in Chapter 5, especially since that’s your last chance narratively to ensure that there’s more than just literal whos in the scene where Ginji gets wounded
• Ginji’s wounding and death in Chapter 5 probably work better as separate scenes
• The Charizard still being out there in the boonies in Chapter 6 probably works better being foreshadowed with at least one scene showing off Riolu’s travels away from his pack and into the wilderness earlier on in it

Sorry if those criticisms weren’t quite what you were hoping to hear @Umbramatic , but I do want to reiterate that even if I thought that there were some rough edges, I genuinely had fun with these chapters. I don’t know if you’ll be doing further touch-ups to HAA’s chapters or opting to let the past remain what it is in order to move on, but I hope the advice helps for your future writings.