Pokémon The Vaporeon Cycle: Frost Spirals

[K_S]

Hello new blood, i'm here for the blitz and to welcome you to the forum.

Vaporeon woke up against a wall of trees. The room was empty, except for her and a badly beaten Luxio. Both Pokemon were layered with bruises – some old, some new.

Yesh not a fun way to greet the dawn. Between the term room and wal of trees i'm guessing this is a mystery dungeon?

VAPOREON: Urgh. That fucking bastard.
VAPOREON: I should have bit his fucking head off.
LUXIO: Heh. You told him you were a murderer.
LUXIO: The fact that he wanted to follow you at all should have been a red flag.

Yeah. Red flag for Vaporeon advertizing thier murderous impulses and a red flag for "them" still wanting to hang out. We are passing red flag out to one and all today.

So since thier inclijed to swear. Aka and craby per thier state. Does this make vaporeon a saltwater type per thier salty nature?

Luxio rested against the wall, trying to turn the pages of his book with his mouth. He pointedly avoided looking at her.

Surprised they still have that book per getting trounced. Usually its a rob and run sort of thing...

VAPOREON: Why didn't you run?
LUXIO: Why would I need to? He was busy beating you into paste.
LUXIO: Stronger than I expected, sure, but I had the jump on him.
VAPOREON: You should have used it to run the hell away.
VAPOREON: I told you that you can't trust me.
LUXIO: HAH! Don't recall saying that I do.
VAPOREON: So you're just here to kick me while I'm down?
LUXIO: Nah. Just felt wrong leaving you to him.
LUXIO: He didn't stop when you fainted.
LUXIO: He wasn't gonna until you died.

Lux clearly is here for the amusement and sparkling conversation. Perhaps he's the sassy type?

This gave Vaporeon pause. She was finding it increasingly hard to care what happened to her, but... she'd almost just died. Everything gone, just like that, because she'd let her guard down for a moment.

It wouldn't happen again.

Hello p.o.v. lets lift up that hood, toss in a dab of paranoia to go with that snark, and salt, and see how this goes...

VAPOREON: Hmph. My hero.
LUXIO: Yeah, well, I'm not fighting your battles again.
LUXIO: Next fight you pick, it's your ass on the line.
VAPOREON: Attaboy.

Aww vaporeon kinda cares. Sorta. In a tiny hyper pragmatic way.

LUXIO: My chances with you are still better than my chances alone, anyway.

Well i kean vaporeons a endless free water source. So if theyre roughing it, or needing showers... its a triangle off of the nessesities pyramid. Right?

LUXIO: I'll carry your bags, if you keep your crazy pointed at the enemies.
LUXIO: Get more rest if you need it. I can't afford a room on the static floor.

Vaporeon stood up again. She wasn't quite healed, but she could walk just fine.

...

Well, she could walk.

Love how we downgrade from " fine" to able to walk. I'm suspecting straight lines and minimal pain are a few paralell universes to the right.

And i'm imagining lux' noming popcorn while the schfrueden is going on.

LUXIO: You look like you might disintegrate, but I know better than to argue.
LUXIO: Lead the way or take a nap, your choice.
VAPOREON: I already napped. Let's go.

Vaporeon led onward again, keeping an eye out for Scrafty. Pokemon were getting more common, but Luxio managed to find a way around the first few.

VAPOREON: Ugh. I guess most adventurers wipe out within the first few floors.
LUXIO: Yeah. You find the worst Pokemon by the entrance and the static floors.
VAPOREON: Well, here – found an Oran.
LUXIO: Don't you need it?
VAPOREON: I wanna be even. I'm not hungry, anyway.

Nah not hungry. Just bleeding out. Nothing major. I imagine if a kiddie squad of stereotypical happy-go-lucky adventurers weidling the power of froendship appeared vap' would lose his mind and disolve out of sheer spite.

The other Pokemon mostly kept to themselves when not approached, but a lone Arbok stood in a passage that couldn't be routed around.

VAPOREON: Move, asshole.
VAPOREON: I'm here to kill the little shit that robbed me.

It moved aside, its forked tongue darting out of its serpentine smile.

ARBOK: Sssure, sssure.

Something in its eyes unnerved her, but she was far past caring at this point.

Huh so is this INTIMIDATION the status effect or intimidation aka the last harrah of common sense? I'm voting both.

. She was right – the moment her eyes were turned, it struck. It hurt like hell. It was poisonous as hell, too.

VAPOREON: Mmffh... ambush predator, like I thought.
VAPOREON: Hey, Luxio! Now's your chance to run on ahead!
VAPOREON: FUCKING GO! I can take this guy no problem!

Luxio froze for just a moment, then bolted. No surprise there, either.

Well i mean Vap' spent 90% of this chapter griping at Lux for being a decent person. Why stick around after that?

ARBOK: What a ssstupid kitty. He wasss ssseriousssly consssidering it.

Arbok lashed lazily at Vaporeon with its hefty tail. She turned to the snake, unconsciousness slowly grasping for her. Not just yet, though. There was one more thing to do.

VAPOREON: Heyyyy... wanna do me a solid?

Poisoned while wrapped in a snake's coil was already a hard position to bargain from. Having no belongings at all made it impossible, but as long as it didn't know that...

VAPOREON: Luxie and I grabbed the Dawn Stone already.
VAPOREON: If you- ngh. Catch the Scrafty that attacked me, and you can have it.
ARBOK: An interesssting offer, to be sssure.
ARBOK: It would be sssacrilegiousss if I took it myssself, but if you already did?
ARBOK: I sssuppossse I will sssee what I can do.

---

Wonder why the arbok cared about that stone. Guess its relevence will be brought up later..

Vaporeon awoke at the dungeon's entrance. Her body and mind were still drowning in exhaustion. Her headache had only gotten worse, and even the night sky was too bright for comfort. As she looked up from her dazed awakening, Vaporeon she froze.

Did some minor touch ups...

A familiar Scrafty was waiting to meet her.

Wow he pursuited her hard? Ouch. Incredibly bad luck for Vap thats for sure...

He slammed his fists against the coils of a proud-looking Arbok, but his mouth was held shut by its tail. Next to them, a Luxio laid on his back and looked up at the stars. His face was locked in a scowl.

So arbok t.p.k.ed Vap, Lux' and Scrafty... he's going to figure who lied quick and thats going to go so bad for the three of them...

ARBOK: Everyone isss ssso gullible today.
ARBOK: I told him you were tracking him down, and he fell for the sssame trick!
ARBOK: It worksss every time.
LUXIO: Mmn.
VAPOREON: Mmngh... what's happening?
ARBOK: I got your Ssscrafty, and loverboy wantsss to sssay he'sss sssorry for being a pusssssy.
LUXIO: Fuck you. I just wanted to see if she made it out.
VAPOREON: Put him to sleep, please, and I'll... deal with him.
ARBOK: Asss you wisssh~

The snake hissed and sank its fangs into Scrafty. He screeched in pain, writhing harder and harder before falling limp. Arbok dumped him on the ground in front of her unceremoniously.

VAPOREON: You two... you don't want to see this.
VAPOREON: Look away, talk among yourselves, whatever.

Vaporeon dragged Scrafty behind some bushes, out of sight of the others and the nearby road. He just laid there. Helpless, just like she had been. What a fucking idiot she was to trust like that. Strength in numbers, she'd assumed. No. Strength was in strength alone, in self-reliance and keeping others where you can see them.

She wrenched open his mouth. His limp body disgusted her. If he wasn't strong enough to resist, he deserved this. Her face twitched as she fired Ice Beam after Ice Beam into his. His body was frozen entirely solid by the time she was done. Was he still alive? No need to guess. Vaporeon shattered the icy Pokemon with her good front paw. She crunched the gorey ice until it was just a mess, and washed the slushy blood away with water.

Vaporeon stumbled back to her companions, too exhausted to clean the gore off herself first. Luxio looked at her, frightened beyond belief. Arbok looked on smugly. She slumped into a heap.

LUXIO: I'm- I'm going to take off if that's okay?
VAPOREON: I told you, boy. You can't trust anyone.

Luxio backed up slowly. In one swift motion, he turned and ran for his life. Arbok watched over her with a disturbing grin, making no moves towards her. She felt disgusted with herself.

VAPOREON: You look happy.
ARBOK: I wasss wondering what you were planning with him. I've never ssseen anything like that.

Yeah pragmatic use of an icebeam is a rare event in a mon fanfic. Thats true. Wonder if arbok will join the party at this point...

ARBOK: It'sss not my ssstyle, persssonally, but I do ressspect you for it.
VAPOREON: Don't get any ideas. I'm special.
ARBOK: Oh, I can tell that for sssure. I've been around the block.
ARBOK: A cute little Vaporeon'sss Ice Beam? That ssshould not be asss ssstrong asss it isss on you.
VAPOREON: It shouldn't be so exhausting to use, either.
ARBOK: Loverboy would sssay you ssshould pace yourssself.
ARBOK: Me? I think it'sss funny to watch.

Vaporeon glared at it at the mention of Luxio. It froze, dropping its grin.

ARBOK: My apologiesss. I like to have fun, but I certainly don't mean to anger you.
VAPOREON: I bet you fucking don't.
ARBOK: I hold no illusssionsss about why I beat you.
ARBOK: You were weak and tired, and you let your guard down for jussst a moment.
ARBOK: You could sssurely kill me now, if you ssso desssired.
VAPOREON: Half wanted you to just eat me and end my misery.
ARBOK: Worrisssome.
VAPOREON: I woke up at the end of that dungeon with no memory and no leg.
VAPOREON: There was a smug asshole Flareon who's probably my sibling or spouse or something.
VAPOREON: It obviously knew more than it let on.
VAPOREON: I took that kid hostage to carry my shit, but he was nice to me. Now he's gone.
ARBOK: I'm sssure you could win him back sssomeday, if you meet again.
ARBOK: He ssseemed like the sssimple type. I don't mean that asss an insssult, mind you.
ARBOK: Ssstill, what a worrying ssstory.
ARBOK: Perhapsss sssome time in the townsss would be a better ssstart than the dungeonsss?
ARBOK: Forgive me if my inssspiring advice ssskillsss are russsty. I mossstly jussst take what I want.
VAPOREON: Hmf. I assume you'll follow me around too?
ARBOK: You ssstill owe me for catching the Ssscrafty, unlesssss you want to go back on that.
ARBOK: I won't pursssue you if you do. I'm not ssstupid.
VAPOREON: Oh. Yeah, I was lying. The Dawn Stone was gone when I got there.
VAPOREON: You can still follow. I'm sure I'll tear a path of blood through some other dungeon.
VAPOREON: Maybe you can grab some loot as we go.

Cue arbok slithering behind with popcorn and scorecards. Though indoubt he'd carry anything for vaporeon. Wonder how the nearest town is going to tolerate ms. Ice beam killer.

Lux' is in a position to spread the alarm.

I do with Vap' would of shared more details about her Flareon encounter though. A ton feels unsaid... but then considering Arboks a sadist... might be smarter not to share and care... yet.

ARBOK: Better than sssticking around here.
ARBOK: You can trussst me, though you ssshouldn't, and I'm sssure you won't.
VAPOREON: I don't. I appreciate you not asking me to.

It flicked its tail about, and the two set off.

ARBOK: Like I sssaid, I'm not ssstupid. I'll follow asss long asss it'sss worth it to.
VAPOREON: Then let's see how long that lasts.

Huh, well that was an experience... is this another chapter?

Gestures belowV.

Tall grass swayed lazily in the center of a dim clearing. A small blue creature shook her head with pain and confusion.

Her mind felt blank. No memories came to her, and the world around her felt no more familiar. Save for her, the clearing contained only a short stone pedestal. The area itself was oddly regular – the tangle of trees surrounding her felt more like walls than a living forest.

VAPOREON: What– ugh. My fucking head...

She sat down grumpily. Time to take stock.

She was a Pokemon, named... Vaporeon, presumably. She didn't remember if she had a name. Pokemon typically didn't, but some chose them to stick out. Her species was quadrupedal, semi-aquatic, and around average in terms of size. She was a good swimmer, she assumed. Her fins had to be there for something.

Vaporeon was in... a dungeon, she decided. Her memory there was fragmented too, but she remembered the basic concept. A dungeon was an area that randomly shifted in layout. They tended to be similar in structure, so to speak, with the materials based on the surrounding area. She could have sworn there was one made out of clouds somewhere.

Ah so this iz what happened pre-scrafty schenanigans i guess?

New resources appeared every time the layout changed, so Pokemon with more brawn than marketable skills often chose dungeon life over the surface. Competition for space could get fierce. There was something about bosses, too... her head hurt even worse. Enough thinking.

Vaporeon stood up slowly. She tried a slow stretch and toppled over immediately. Practically her entire front-left leg was missing – that would have been nice to know sooner. All that was left was a stump that showed no signs of scarring. She examined the rest of her body; her fins were angled oddly for her species, but that felt rather less important.

Vaporeon stayed on the ground for a while. Here she was, lost and alone, with nothing to her name but pain and uncertainty. There was no reason to get back up. Where would she even go? Out, she supposed. Whatever answers she needed, they weren't here. Turning swiftly to the room's only exit – too swiftly, her headache informed her – Vaporeon left.

The next clearing opened just as wide as the previous, though at least with more light to see by. A campfire crackled by the exit. Two Pokemon rested next to it – a Luxio and a Wartortle – and a Flareon patrolled the area. None of them had noticed Vaporeon yet, as far as she could tell.

Wartortle pointed a claw at the book he and Luxio were bent over. He seemed a little small for his species, but the scars all across his shell gave his cocky grin some credence. He said something she couldn't hear and laughed uproariously. The Luxio didn't manage more than a conciliatory chuckle. He was larger than Vaporeon by quite a bit, and sparks crackled from his fur as he groomed himself.

Vaporeon stumbled back into the entrance. Had these Pokemon done something to her? Her claws flexed as she tallied up her options. They might not even be aggressive, if she was friendly, but that was a hell of a risk. She could also go in fangs blazing, and they might just surrender. She didn't like her chances against the Electric-type lion, but they didn't have to know that.

Flareon turned a corner on its patrol, and Vaporeon was certain it was looking directly at her. It stood there for a moment. She held her breath.

It moved on, as if it had nothing on its mind. Before she could think better of it, she quietly followed behind. She was getting used to her form, but the altered gait forced heavy footsteps upon her. After only a few seconds, Flareon sat down.

FLAREON: Bold of you to sneak up on me.

Not really youre the only one shes got type advantage over.

Its voice was steady, but its muscles were tense. It didn't turn to face her.

VAPOREON: I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.
FLAREON: Worry about your safety, first.
VAPOREON: Are you going to attack me, then?
FLAREON: You're not worth my time. I'll let the others pick you off.
VAPOREON: And if they win?

It sneered at her. Pure hatred coiled beneath its uninterested facade.

FLAREON: Don't let that happen.
FLAREON: That's my last handout, before I kill you myself.

Vaporeon's blood boiled. Whether this was their fault or not didn't matter anymore. Everyone in this room was out to get her, and it was the last mistake they'd ever make.

Huh well that was a confusing tab on. Either its the past, or the arbok event ended and she passed out and woke back in the dungeon solo. I'll admit the bare bones formatting of this fic doesnt make it easy tonsuss out whats happening when.

Over all this was a fun short jaunt. The brutality and profanity feel a bit vizziepop esk, and its definitly a tonal jolt vompated to the gentler fics here.

Thanks for sharing this tale, and good luck on the forum!

 

[ShiniGojira]

Hello and good day to ya! Here's my first review to start off this year's blitz and you're the lucky writer!

Chapter 1:

It's a nice bite-sized chapter yet already it's filled with loads of rich and interesting stuff. Starting off with Vaporeon waking up confused and slowly figuring things out, I quite enjoyed how our MC went through the process of finding out her surroundings and the problems with her body, along with the bits of foreshadowing and underlying problems she has both physically and mentally.

Though I do have to say that the last part of the chapter was a bit confusing. Like I get that the Flareon was threatening her and all that, but it's honestly weird af that she immediately defaults to 'everyone is out to get me' when nothing has really happened here. If I'm to presume that this is intentional and is part of her underlying personality then well played because I got really surprised by what's probably her true nature: a paranoid and probably angry mon.

Chapter 2:

Okay, heading right into Chp 2 and we have our first fight. Short, concise and frankly, it does a pretty good job showing off our MC's mysterious strength. The interaction between Vaporeon and the others are still as confusing as ever. Flareon hates her and apparently our MC was a villain but Luxio and Wartortle didn't seem to realise she was nearby. I can definitely see that Flareon's stronger than the two so maybe it's the difference in experience?

Overall, very confusing but there's enough interesting stuff going on that I'll stay for a bit longer.

Chapter 3:

Alright! Dungeon mons! I've so many questions about them! Like are they at all similar to the games where they're random animals that just spawned from thin air? Because the Scrafty didn't feel like it, heck, it's more similar to Luxio than Flareon. Like are there even any differences to Adventurer and Dungeon Mon in terms of intelligence or culture or society? I know it's probably because our MC's and amnesiac so a lot of things are muddled, but it's also not helped with the script format not being as descriptive as it could be... not that I'm saying that's a bad thing, it is certainly an interesting way to write and you've been doing pretty good with the whole process.

Also I rather like the exposition on the dungeon itself. The Dawn Stone thing being an interesting way to Pokémon-fy dungeon cores and Luxio's role in the story. And uh, I don't remember if it's ever stated but where the heck is Wartortle? I feel like the chapter kinda forgot about him tbh. I'm assuming he's either on Luxio's back or healing back at the campfire? Maybe? Feels kinda weird since y'know Flareon's either still there or disappeared and no mentions yet...

Anywho, here's some live comments:

Spoiler: Line-by-line comments

Chp 1

The area itself was oddly regular – the tangle of trees surrounding her felt more like walls than a living forest.

Alright, so already starting off in a dungeon or well, the end of one if I'm looking at the synopsis correctly.

She could have sworn there was one made out of clouds somewhere.

Huh, isn't that cloud dungeon Rayquaza's place from PMD Red and Blue? Kinda odd that a random Vaporeon would know of it since I thought that place was supposed to be a myth... then again, it has been a while since I've played the games so maybe that dungeon's actually known to the public.

Practically her entire front-left leg was missing – that would have been nice to know sooner. All that was left was a stump that showed no signs of scarring.

Oof, an amputee and an amnesiac? This cat fish can't catch a break.

She examined the rest of her body; her fins were angled oddly for her species, but that felt rather less important.

A bit of an odd thing to specified so I'm assuming that something's wrong with her fins. Maybe she's also a bad swimmer? Dunno, it'll probably be explained later

Here she was, lost and alone, with nothing to her name but pain and uncertainty.

Yeah, literally nothing to your name! Get it? Because she doesn't have a name either. Haha... I'll see myself out

There was no reason to get back up.

Do I also have to add suicidal/depressed to the list of what's going on with our MC?

VAPOREON: And if they win?

This dialogue here feels... off. I'm not sure if there's context missing, there's something cut out, or if it's intentional like Vaporeon saying something that she subconsciously remembered. Its, to me, feels very abrupt.

FLAREON: Don't let that happen.
FLAREON: That's my last handout, before I kill you myself.

Vaporeon's blood boiled. Whether this was their fault or not didn't matter anymore. Everyone in this room was out to get her, and it was the last mistake they'd ever make.

That escalated pretty quickly. Like the previous dialogue, it really feels like something's missing or off with Vaporeon's behaviour and it's hard for me to tell if that's intentional or not since I feel like it's incredibly vague and I've no idea what and why things escalated like that.

Chp 2

Luxio noticed her first. He jumped up, but he wasn't quick enough. Before he could act, she sent him careening into a tree with a torrential blast of water. He crumpled to the ground. Wartortle jumped into a battle pose.

Dayum, she's strong. An amputee and yet can one shot someone that's a mid-evolution is wild.

Vaporeon howled with pain. Her mouth charged with frigid energy. Wartortle kept up the pressure, striking just out of range

How does one with such stubby limbs know incredible martial arts lol

He whirled around just fast enough, and his shell took the full force of an attack that would have easily knocked him cold

Really? Holy shit, just how strong is our MC and how on earth did she get her leg chopped off if she's this strong?

Maybe Flareon was wrong about them.

Wait, is the Flareon not with the Luxio and Wartortle? I thought he was talking about the wild mons or something.

VAPOREON: I wouldn't have even fought them if you didn't push me into it!

Girl is gaslighting and at this point I don't know if it's herself or the Flareon.

VAPOREON: Over here by the campfire, before I consider putting it out with your face.

To anyone else, that would be a threat. But to Flareon, I think that'd be an accidental attempt at flirting.

Chp 3

VAPOREON: You hurt?
LUXIO: No, just... shaken.

You've been slammed into a tree and you're only shaken? Not even gonna mention that you got knocked out instantly?

LUXIO: That Dawn Stone is the anchor for this dungeon.
LUXIO: Without it there, there's no shifts for a while. So no new items or food.
LUXIO: If you're not in the mood to fight anyone, don't let them know it's gone.

So like a dungeon core? Is it only Dawn Stones or do other evo stones work too? Like are the dungeons themed? Fire stones for fire-ish dungeons? That kind of stuff would be cool if you're going that direction.

LUXIO: Probably that damn Flareon fucked us over on both counts.

Oh, I think I know what's going on with that Flareon. Took me a while to put it together but the reason for its pronoun being an 'it' instead of 'he' or 'she' is because it's a wild mon, isn't it? Though that's still weird to think about since it and the two guys were sapient and sentient. Are there any differences between wild and civilised Pokémon? Because like I've no idea how Vaporeon was able to instantly deduced that Luxio and Wartortle were civilised and Flareon was a wild by simply glancing at them. I mean her subconsciously remembering the difference could be an explanation but that feels kinda boring tbh

Were there other Eeveelutions involved?

Well, judging by the cover art. I'm guessing the third part of our Kanto trio's also gonna show up someday.

LUXIO: Maybe I'll go to the surface? Work as a battery for some rich dickhead?

I don't know how to feel about the implications that Electric-types are used as literal living batteries... then again, I wonder how certain types could be used for society. Poison could be used for antidotes, Flying for mail delivery, but then what about the esoteric types like Fairy? Dark? Dragon? Could be an interesting thing to think about.

Amd that's a wrap from me. I don't exactly have any more time atm to read more but I'll try to see if I can get through more next week as while things are a bit confusing at the start, I assume it'll be better explained and more things will be uncovered later on. See ya for now and hope the rest of your day goes lovely!

 

[val-triplicate]

Two reviews in such a short span - thank you so much! Let's start with the first one!

Spoiler: Review-Response Chatter

Hello new blood, i'm here for the blitz and to welcome you to the forum.

Why thank you! I may not end up too active just yet - I write slowly, prefer to post when a work is finished, and haven't had time to read too often. I'll definitely be back with the next story I finish, and I might post the sequels to this here as well!

Yeah. Red flag for Vaporeon advertizing thier murderous impulses and a red flag for "them" still wanting to hang out. We are passing red flag out to one and all today.

This is not a normal dungeon run, in just about every way there is! Vaporeon is swimming in red flags, but don't worry - she came prepared with plenty of her own.

Yesh not a fun way to greet the dawn. Between the term room and wal of trees i'm guessing this is a mystery dungeon?

Yup! I try not to spell everything out too blatantly, but Mystery Dungeons are laid out and generated just about exactly how they are in the games.

Surprised they still have that book per getting trounced. Usually its a rob and run sort of thing...

Honestly, I'm not sure Arbok is the reading type. It finds it a little boring.

Lux clearly is here for the amusement and sparkling conversation. Perhaps he's the sassy type?

How do I put it nicely... Luxio is very indecisive. He certainly has opportunities to run, but he's seen too much "good but panicking" in her, and she hasn't technically attacked him outside the bounds of dungeon culture. Hence Wartortle calling her attack "cowardly" instead of outright assault.

Hello p.o.v. lets lift up that hood, toss in a dab of paranoia to go with that snark, and salt, and see how this goes...

Waking up amnesiac at the end of a dungeon is not fun! But with Flareon egging her on that hard... well! It certainly wasn't nice of it to do that, I'll say that much.

Aww vaporeon kinda cares. Sorta. In a tiny hyper pragmatic way.

She has a personality under all that panic somewhere! We'll see if she can shake it off in time...

Love how we downgrade from " fine" to able to walk. I'm suspecting straight lines and minimal pain are a few paralell universes to the right.

And i'm imagining lux' noming popcorn while the schfrueden is going on.

Right you are, and right you are. He's pissed, but again, he's too indecisive to run just yet. Seeing her struggling a little does help.

Nah not hungry. Just bleeding out. Nothing major.

Nothing counts as a major problem, as long as she's not too injured to lie about the pain. We're still golden by that metric!

Huh so is this INTIMIDATION the status effect or intimidation aka the last harrah of common sense? I'm voting both.

No such thing as Abilities in this world, sadly - just Moves and Items. The rest is pretty freeform. Some Pokemon do have capabilities inspired by their abilities, though!

Wonder why the arbok cared about that stone. Guess its relevence will be brought up later..

This is something I'll make clearer if I ever get around to rewriting this book to match the later, better ones. Arbok cares because it was the dungeon's anchor. Stealing an anchor as a dungeon Pokemon is the single biggest taboo there is.

What exactly happened to the Dawn Stone doesn't really matter. If you're curious: Flareon stole it so Vaporeon would be in a worse position. If it didn't, she would have been able to take it and sell it when she got to town.

Did some minor touch ups...

Appreciated! I haven't had the energy to really go back and polish this book, so a free pointer is always nice.

Thank you again for the time and thought! Although... I do think you may have read the story out of order. The last chapter you reviewed is supposed to be the first, and it's clear that it seemed to happen far after the one that's supposed to be last in the act. I triple-checked that I posted it right, but if anyone else runs into this issue, please let me know.

 

[val-triplicate]

Hello and good day right back! It's an honor to be the first of your blitz this year - I hope the event and the season go well for you!

Spoiler: Review-Response Chatter

It's a nice bite-sized chapter yet already it's filled with loads of rich and interesting stuff.

Thank you! That means a lot to me! :]

If I'm to presume that this is intentional and is part of her underlying personality then well played because I got really surprised by what's probably her true nature: a paranoid and probably angry mon.

It's very intentional, and it's meant to be extremely rash, though perhaps I could have telegraphed it a little better.

Like are they at all similar to the games where they're random animals that just spawned from thin air? Because the Scrafty didn't feel like it, heck, it's more similar to Luxio than Flareon. Like are there even any differences to Adventurer and Dungeon Mon in terms of intelligence or culture or society?

This is a very good question! No - there's no big difference between a surface and dungeon mons. It's a bit like the difference between urban and rural societies. The dungeon folk regularly get free resources with little effort past defending their territory, but they have very little unchanging space to create lasting marks of civilization. They live very day-by-day.

I know it's probably because our MC's and amnesiac so a lot of things are muddled, but it's also not helped with the script format not being as descriptive as it could be... not that I'm saying that's a bad thing, it is certainly an interesting way to write and you've been doing pretty good with the whole process.

I appreciate the kind wordst! I've learned so much by making it, and I would definitely do it better next time, but I'm always glad when people are able to enjoy it despite its roughness.

Also I rather like the exposition on the dungeon itself. The Dawn Stone thing being an interesting way to Pokémon-fy dungeon cores and Luxio's role in the story.

Thank you! The dungeons were the first things I came up with, and I'm very proud of the system. This lore desn't end up being as integral as I'd expected, though... at least not for a while. There's implications that have significant consequences in the second and third books.

And uh, I don't remember if it's ever stated but where the heck is Wartortle? I feel like the chapter kinda forgot about him tbh. I'm assuming he's either on Luxio's back or healing back at the campfire? Maybe? Feels kinda weird since y'know Flareon's either still there or disappeared and no mentions yet...

Both are still there - Wartortle is unconscious, but Luxio is confident he'll be okay. It's easy to miss, but it's mentioned.

To be more specific: the dungeons make sure no one starves by keeping food in reserve on the static floors, just in case someone's injured too badly to send for themselves. I show a static floor in more detail in the second act.

Alright, so already starting off in a dungeon or well, the end of one if I'm looking at the synopsis correctly.

Yup!

Huh, isn't that cloud dungeon Rayquaza's place from PMD Red and Blue? Kinda odd that a random Vaporeon would know of it since I thought that place was supposed to be a myth...

This isn't the PMD world, so it's not Sky Tower, but it's the same concept. It wouldn't be mythical here, but you're certainly right that it's slightly odd... there's not much reason for a ground-bound species to know about such a place. Most Pokemon only know the dungeons they could get to.

A bit of an odd thing to specified so I'm assuming that something's wrong with her fins. Maybe she's also a bad swimmer? Dunno, it'll probably be explained later

I wouldn't say wrong, no. Just different. It's an early clue to a later mystery, though a fairly small one that's more for flavor. It'll be brought up more directly, but I didn't have a good spot to spell out the answer to this particular clue. It might fit well in a bonus epilogue I've got planned.

This dialogue here feels... off. I'm not sure if there's context missing, there's something cut out, or if it's intentional like Vaporeon saying something that she subconsciously remembered.

Amputation aside, amnesia aside... Vaporeon is in an extremely bad state of mind right now. There's a reason she's in such a hair trigger. There's a reason she thinks everyone's out to get her. It's not one she knows, but it'll be revealed.

Really? Holy shit, just how strong is our MC and how on earth did she get her leg chopped off if she's this strong?

Very, very strong! However... there's always someone stronger. And no amount of strength makes you invincible.

Wait, is the Flareon not with the Luxio and Wartortle? I thought he was talking about the wild mons or something.

Flareon was guarding the same floor - a bit like being a temp on the same job. They trusted it perhaps a bit more than they should have.

Girl is gaslighting and at this point I don't know if it's herself or the Flareon.

In her defense, she probably wouldn't have been this aggressive without this push. In its... it wasn't that big of a push. She was already about ready to act that way.

So like a dungeon core? Is it only Dawn Stones or do other evo stones work too? Like are the dungeons themed? Fire stones for fire-ish dungeons? That kind of stuff would be cool if you're going that direction.

It's essentially a dungeon core! It can be any item, technically, but by convention it's always one that's valuable. It's my take on those PMD dungeons with treasure rooms, and a part of the surface-dungeon dynamic.
Legendaries can also take the place of items as the anchors! That's very important to the story, but not just yet.

Took me a while to put it together but the reason for its pronoun being an 'it' instead of 'he' or 'she' is because it's a wild mon, isn't it?

This is such a good guess, and it has a lot of fun thematic implications! Unfortunately, it isn't the case. In this world, it/its is just the default nonbinary pronoun set. They/them exists but is less common. All Pokemon are equally sapient - there's no such thing as a wild Pokemon here.

(Extra context: the friend who I designed this story with uses it/its. A large reason that I made it the default here was to get myself accustomed to those pronouns.)

I don't know how to feel about the implications that Electric-types are used as literal living batteries...

It's not as bad as he makes it seem - mostly he just hates feeling cooped up. He sees it as an extremely boring desk job. Depending on your output and the amount needed, your job may be more or less tiring, and have shorter or longer shifts. One thing is guaranteed - you will be well rewarded. Electric types, flying types, and especially psychic types are always in demand.

Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate your patience with my early work - there's definitely a lot of confusing oddities that will make sense later, but I completely understand if you don't end up reading the rest. Your feedback is highly appreciated either way!

 

[Namohysip]

Hey there Val! I'm here to review up to the interlude after looking through the chapter lengths. These tiny chapters will make it quite easy to review on a per chapter basis, so that's what I'm gonna go for here. They're also really dense with stuff happening thanks to the hybrid script format, and it leaves a lot to the imagination when we're going into the dialogue, since there's nothing in terms of tone or dialogue tags. Just stage direction for the script chat.

You open saying that it's a prose and script hybrid, and I kind of see what you're trying to to for with it, but admittedly I do wonder what is accomplished. I then took a peek at the formatting for the original version, and yeah, I see some colored text, but that's the main difference for these opening chapters that I can discern. Not a whole lot to distinguish it otherwise, so it leaves me wondering what it specifically accomplishes. Maybe later the script format has a better justification.

Works for hybrid stage direction, at least, and it keeps the pacing very tight and quick. I didn't find myself bored while reading, since the next thing was always right around the corner! Anyway, the rest of this until the end will be chapter-by-chapter commentary:

So, we have a Vaporeon with amnesia. But there is no allusion so far to Valoreon ever being human! A bit of a shift, like a slight veer, away from the typical opening, while still being familiar enough to be qualified as a PMD story.

A bit later, and Vaporeon meets a Flareon and a team of Pokemon. At first, I would expect them to be some kind of exploration guild, but they seem a lot less friendly than that. Maybe a bandit guild or something instead? Hard to say... But they're quite crass and Flareon is pretty open about not caring about Vaporeon's life. So there's that.

The perspective shift in the second chapter was odd. It started off at third person limited to Flareon, but then seemed to expand into third person omniscient, mostly Wartortle and Vaporeon, and then kind of Flareon, but not really because Flareon's thought process about Vapreon was not fully outlined.

Valoreon also seems to be quite ready to be a killer, so maybe Flareon has a point about the way she's acting... not the most sympathetic protagonist so far. Flareon clearly "knows" more about Vaporeon, but maybe considers it advantageous to not say anything to her now that she somehow has amnesia, possibly from a power of the dungeon or some other trick. It does make me wonder why they couldn't just kill her outright, though, and with that hindsight, it makes Flareon's threats quite hollow.

Wow, Vaporeon is quite formidable to take them all on so well. I can't quite figure out the alignment of Flareon relative to the other two or why they were hanging around, let alone Luxio's loyalty for just up and leaving after one clash like that. It was a very fast exchange, but Vaporeon and the others seemed to just go for it.

Side note, but I noticed that sometimes "it" pronouns are used in narration for some non-Vaporeon pokemon, and then shifts over to he for Luxio in the next chapter. Is that to denote familiarity of some kind? Was an idle thought on how those worked here since the change appeared to be deliberate.

There is an odd contrast between Vaporeon's strength and her fear of Flareon despite having supposedly no memories of any prior exchanges. Is it something deeper? Maybe Flareon was behind her prior defeat, or something? Because she handled them well, and with how fast paced the exchanges are, it's hard to get a feel for the dynamics despite that. Possibly because they are in contrast to what is said or thought vs what actually happens, maybe?

Sometimes, the script chat shows Vaporeon or Flareon saying things in succession without a speaker between, but they are still marked as the speakers twice or three times in a row. It sort of reminds me of sending multiple texts in a row, but it kind of takes me out of it due to me briefly thinking the last speaker was someone different compared to the next script note.

Vaporeon seems to be very savvy after all. Despite her amnesia, she seems to remember all about Dungeons and specific terms in the following chapter. It's almost strange. But I guess it at least skips past the pacing problems of trying to figure out everything from scratch again.

She seems to be savvy enough to act the part despite being so weak and injured, too. But it worked for now as she walked past the enemies along the way, huh? She seems go resort to murderous bluffs alarmingly often, though, and people tend to buy it. I wonder how many people actually know her pre-amnesia the same way Flareon seemed to. At least, that was my impression of the circumstances.

This dungeon seems to be one hostile, talkative Pokemon after another. How does anything even get done? It seems that there was an implied beat up scene that happened between the last chapter and this one, implying that Scrafty beat them until they managed to escape or something like that? I'm not completely clear what happened there.

But then they run into Arbok, who ambushed them for... shits and giggles I guess, since he seems to spare them for later for one reason or another. Then seems happy to take the anchor stone. I think the anchor stone is a fascinating piece of world building for how a Dungeon operates, and how those within it seem to consider it sacred. Makes sense if that's what keeps their home hospitable and refreshed with food.

The interlude has little information, but my potshot theory is maybe it's some kind of dying thought that Scrafty had, or something? It seemed, faintly, to match his thoughts, and maybe it was of Vaporeon and who she used to be, or something. Lots of questions and very little answers, but that's the nature of an opening to a story. I think there's some premise here, with the main criticism I have is that I can't get a grasp of the characters' motivations due to how terse everything is, and how gritty and oddly cruelly everyone seems to treat one another.

Most importantly, I think, is that because Vaporeon is behaving more like a villain, knowing some motivation is key to wanting to read on--but with amnesia, and with so little being said, that isn't being fulfilled, which makes it hard to sympathize or otherwise root for the protagonist, or even root against. That's what I'd want to see more of.

But that all aside, it was nice with bite-sized chapters. Thanks for the read!

 

[val-triplicate]

Hello hello - thank you for the review, and sorry it took so me so long to get to it! The holidays have been so busy; I'm grateful for you taking some time from your own!

Spoiler: Review-Response Chatter

You open saying that it's a prose and script hybrid, and I kind of see what you're trying to to for with it, but admittedly I do wonder what is accomplished.

This was (as is probably not difficult to discern) adapted from roleplay done with a close friend of mine. It's much less edited from the original RP than the following two books are. The main benefit of the script format, honestly, is just dealing with how much dialogue there is. I could have done it fully prose-style, but there's so much back-and-forth conversation. To append ", she said" to every line of dialogue, even to just the times when someone new starts talking... I think it would have easily added another ten pages of bloat to an already long story.

Could I have rewritten it to have less dialogue and thus not need this? Yeah, but I don't think I was good enough yet. Could I do it now? Yeah, but I'm much busier than I was then, and I'd have to rewrite the other two books as well. Some days, you've just got to post what you've got and move on. I certainly won't be doing future works like this, though!

I then took a peek at the formatting for the original version, and yeah, I see some colored text, but that's the main difference for these opening chapters that I can discern.

It's mostly the colors, but there's just a lot of visual flair here and there that I quite like. The intermissions and signs each have their own font, and there's some interesting depth to that. Few pick up on it, but the fact that the first and third intermissions share the same font is meant to hint that they're from the perspective of the same character. There's also a gag in a later chapter where one character mocks another's voice by briefly copying his text color. Little stuff like that!

Works for hybrid stage direction, at least, and it keeps the pacing very tight and quick. I didn't find myself bored while reading, since the next thing was always right around the corner!

Thank you! I think that's the real benefit of it - it's snappy. I picked up on the "scriptfic" terminology, since it's what everyone seems to use here, but I would actually liken it more to a visual novel. There's bits of narrations here and there, but the story is mostly conveyed through dialogue.

So, we have a Vaporeon with amnesia. But there is no allusion so far to Vaporeon ever being human! A bit of a shift, like a slight veer, away from the typical opening, while still being familiar enough to be qualified as a PMD story.

There's humans in this world, sent to save it as in any other PMD story! Vaporeon, though... she's something else. >:3

At first, I would expect them to be some kind of exploration guild, but they seem a lot less friendly than that. Maybe a bandit guild or something instead? Hard to say...

They just live there! My main initial goal with the worldbuilding was to explain why Pokemon would ever live in the dungeons, and why the surface and dungeon Pokemon are so casually violent with each other. It's just how this world works - you know what you're getting into if you live or venture into the dungeons. There's (usually) no malice to it, just two cultures with their own motivations.

Flareon is pretty open about not caring about Vaporeon's life.

Well... "they just live there" as in Wartortle and Luxio. Something's definitely wrong about that Flareon... it's got its own motives, that's for sure.

The perspective shift in the second chapter was odd. It started off at third person limited to Flareon, but then seemed to expand into third person omniscient, mostly Wartortle and Vaporeon, and then kind of Flareon, but not really because Flareon's thought process about Vaporeon was not fully outlined.

I'll be honest... I'm not really sure how this came across as being Flareon's perspective. I did add a little conclusion-drawing with Wartortle for spice, and I can see how that could be confusing, but it's intended to be fully third-person limited with Vaporeon at the helm. Only Chapters 10 and 27 (Imprison and Extrasensory) ever actually have different perspectives. We don't really get any of Flareon's thoughts here at all.

Vaporeon also seems to be quite ready to be a killer, so maybe Flareon has a point about the way she's acting... not the most sympathetic protagonist so far. Flareon clearly "knows" more about Vaporeon, but maybe considers it advantageous to not say anything to her now that she somehow has amnesia, possibly from a power of the dungeon or some other trick. It does make me wonder why they couldn't just kill her outright, though, and with that hindsight, it makes Flareon's threats quite hollow.

Much to think about! Every question here has an answer - and no, she's certainly not very sympathetic at all.

Wow, Vaporeon is quite formidable to take them all on so well.

She's very strong! I wonder if that will come up again...

I can't quite figure out the alignment of Flareon relative to the other two or why they were hanging around, let alone Luxio's loyalty for just up and leaving after one clash like that.

Flareon only met them the previous night - Luxio and Wartortle have known each other for longer. Luxio is the type to go out on a limb for others more than he really should, but Flareon completely sitting the fight out angered him quite a bit. Especially with what happened after.

It was a very fast exchange, but Vaporeon and the others seemed to just go for it.

Wartortle and Jolteon just went for it like any dungeon Pokemon would. Vaporeon likely wouldn't have, but Flareon claimed her life was at stake - it very much wasn't. Almost all of what happens afterwards is the fault of this one interaction.

Side note, but I noticed that sometimes "it" pronouns are used in narration for some non-Vaporeon pokemon, and then shifts over to he for Luxio in the next chapter. Is that to denote familiarity of some kind? Was an idle thought on how those worked here since the change appeared to be deliberate.

Flareon just identifies with it/its pronouns. Luxio uses he/him. I'm always tempted to put a note about this in the intro... it/its is the standard non-binary pronoun set in this world, with they/them being a little less common. I originally decided that because the friend I wrote the original RP with uses those pronouns itself - I wanted to get a little more practice with them.

Sometimes, the script chat shows Vaporeon or Flareon saying things in succession without a speaker between, but they are still marked as the speakers twice or three times in a row. It sort of reminds me of sending multiple texts in a row, but it kind of takes me out of it due to me briefly thinking the last speaker was someone different compared to the next script note.

The story is the same on every site, but I will say that this is significantly less cumbersome with the font colors that every other version has. You can tell before you've even started to read a line who's saying it. (There's one notable exception, but this is intentional: In When the Smoke Clears, two characters share a text color. This is specifically intended to make it difficult to tell who's talking.)

I would have used text colors here, but for those using a dark background, it would have been even less legible than without them. Lazy, perhaps - I really didn't want to test every single color and re-balance it all.

Vaporeon seems to be very savvy after all. Despite her amnesia, she seems to remember all about Dungeons and specific terms in the following chapter. It's almost strange. But I guess it at least skips past the pacing problems of trying to figure out everything from scratch again.

Another sign that she's not a human! She doesn't remember who she is, but does remember the world to some degree. Would it have been smoother to have her remember nothing? Probably... but Chapter Three: Swagger is already kind of an expositionfest as it is.

She seems go resort to murderous bluffs alarmingly often, though, and people tend to buy it. I wonder how many people actually know her pre-amnesia the same way Flareon seemed to.

Flareon definitely knew her, and clearly expected such behavior from her. How much of that is her inherent nature, and how much is its prodding... hard to say. I have my opinion, but we'll never know for sure!

This dungeon seems to be one hostile, talkative Pokemon after another. How does anything even get done?

There's not a lot that needs to get done in the dungeons! Every time it shifts, you get new resources. If you try to build a hut for shelter, it'll be gone just the same. All they need to do is guard their territory, and they're plenty willing to talk. It can get a little boring with no one to fight or talk to.

It seems that there was an implied beat up scene that happened between the last chapter and this one, implying that Scrafty beat them until they managed to escape or something like that?

Scrafty knocked her out in a single hit, but Luxio fought him off. This was intended to be pieced together pretty quickly - I may go back and tweak this to make it a little easier to reason out.

But then they run into Arbok, who ambushed them for... shits and giggles I guess, since he seems to spare them for later for one reason or another. Then seems happy to take the anchor stone.

It has plenty of potential motives here, with the way dungeons work... but "shits and giggles" is honestly the main on in this case. It's bored, and enjoys winning. It spares them for the same reason enemies in PMD do - nothing to gain from killing her. Taking the anchor is a bit of a nuanced decision, though. Many wouldn't, even if already deactivated, but Arbok is quite good at convincing itself of what is acceptable.

Then seems happy to take the anchor stone. I think the anchor stone is a fascinating piece of world building for how a Dungeon operates, and how those within it seem to consider it sacred. Makes sense if that's what keeps their home hospitable and refreshed with food.

Thank you! I really was proud of this worldbuilding, as explained above. It's not that they consider it sacred in the sense that they worship it, it's just extremely taboo to take it yourself. It's like playing capture the flag, and taking your own team's flag "because it was right there." Sure, you can, but good luck setting foot in this place ever again. You were supposed to be defending that!

The interlude has little information, but my potshot theory is maybe it's some kind of dying thought that Scrafty had, or something? It seemed, faintly, to match his thoughts, and maybe it was of Vaporeon and who she used to be, or something. Lots of questions and very little answers, but that's the nature of an opening to a story.

Maybe~!

I think there's some premise here, with the main criticism I have is that I can't get a grasp of the characters' motivations due to how terse everything is, and how gritty and oddly cruelly everyone seems to treat one another.

Most importantly, I think, is that because Vaporeon is behaving more like a villain, knowing some motivation is key to wanting to read on--but with amnesia, and with so little being said, that isn't being fulfilled, which makes it hard to sympathize or otherwise root for the protagonist, or even root against. That's what I'd want to see more of.

Entirely fair! This was my first large-scale project; writing unsympathetic characters is still one of my weak points, and I think I overcompensated here. A small tone spoiler if you're on the fence about reading further: We do get answers to why Vaporeon is like this, and most of the rest of the book is about her healing and growing into being her own person, as she tries to deal with the conspiracy that put her here in the first place.

Thanks again for reading! Perhaps someday I'll make a second edition, with all the lessons I've learned...! Well, probably not. Too many new adventures on the horizon! :]