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CinderArts

Bug Catcher
Location
Sandgem Town
Pronouns
He!
Partners
  1. cinderace
This story contains swearing, moments of alcohol usage, lots of angst, and some other things I may have to add in the future. If any of these things bothers you, please proceed with caution.

Cover for this fanfiction is currently unavaialble. Will upload it once I get one!

I'm still new to forums in general, so I may update the chapter formatting and posts once I learn more about forum navigation and stuff!

I love feedbacks, so don't hesitate on leaving feedback if you enjoyed reading this story! Thank you in advance for your support! :veelove:


Hop's relationship with Victor hangs in the fragile balance after an accident threatens to sever the love they share.

Will Hop be able to save his relationship with Victor? One thing is for certain.

Time will tell. Sooner or later...

... time will tell.


“We’ll always be together forever, right?”

“Of course, Victor. There is nothing in this world that can change that. I promise you.”

“... I love you, Hop.”

“I love you too Victor.”


Those words linger in the depths of Hop’s mind every day. The words that he keeps close to his heart dearly.

Before the last words that he and Victor last shared together.

Hop blankly stares at the starry night, trying to take in the awe and majesty of the twinkling stars that graced Postwick’s night sky. Despite his attempts to distract himself, his mind is occupied with a single thought.

Victor.

He thinks of Victor almost every day, and the moments they shared throughout the years. From the day they first met as Neighbours, to the day their first Pokémon journey started…

… and the day he confessed his love for Victor. The day that he declared as the happiest moment in his entire life.

“Victor…” he whispers to himself. “I miss you. Wish you were here with me, lying down on the flat grass... staring at the night starry skies."

His phone buzzed. It’s Marnie. She’s still awake at an hour like this? Hop thinks to himself.

“Hey Marnie,” Hop answered. “It’s a bit late for you to be awake at this hour.”

“I can’t sleep, I've been up all night reading a book about Pokémon living in the Sinnoh region.” she replied.

“Ah, I see. So, what’s up Marnie?”

“I called to check up on you. It has been one month since we did something together, I just want to ask if you are okay on your end.”

“Right. Sorry about that.” He let out a weary sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was too busy trying to keep myself occupied. I’m sorry for not calling.”

“It is alright. I understand what you mean, as long as you’re okay.” she replied. “I also called to tell you that I paid a visit to the hospital this afternoon. Leon paid a visit as well. He checked up on his condition after he wrapped up his sparring session with Kabu.”

“Oh, I see. I didn’t know he dropped by.” Hop clears his throat, and braces himself for the answer that comes with the question he is about to ask. “How’s… how’s Victor? I-is he… okay?” His lips tremble, anticipating an answer. Hop took his tight grip on the momentary hope that she finally has some good news for him.

“Victor’s okay, but he’s still unconscious. The nurse told me that his vital signs are normal, but not once did he wake up, nor did he show signs of regaining consciousness.”

His momentary hope for good news came crashing down like a speeding car falling off a tall cliff and exploding upon impact. Hop bit his lip, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to escape.

“Listen, about what happened six months ago-”

Before she could finish her sentence, Hop quickly interrupts her. “Can we… Can we not just… bring up about what happened six months ago? I don’t...”

Hop's voice trails off at the last sentence, unable to find the proper words to say. “I am so sorry for bringing it up, Hop.” She apologizes. “I thought that by talking about it, this could help you recover to some degree. To try and help you heal your heartaches.”

“I appreciate the thought, but… just- just not now, please. I don’t think I am ready to talk about it, still.” Tears flow out from his eyes, unable to prevent it from leaking.

She did not say a single word, waiting for him to finish letting it all out. Marnie can’t help but feel heartbroken, to hear him cry like that. After a few more seconds, he stopped crying.

“Do you feel better now, Hop?” She asked with an audible tone of concern.

“A little. I just… miss him, y’know? I miss him so much…” Hop's voice trails off once more.

“I miss him too, Hop. We have to stay strong for him. It’s what he would tell the both of us if he was here right now."

His lips crack a little smile. “Hehe, yeah. He’d definitely say that.”

Whenever he feels sad or alone, Victor would always find the right words to tell him. He would always come up to him and ask Hop if he’s okay, his gentle words always there to give him comfort even in his darkest days.

To be there with him, accompanying him until they have to go home. Those moments gave him warmth; the kind of warmth that gave him comfort and joy.

He smiles at the thought. Marnie is right, they should stay strong. It’s what Victor would have wanted them to do at a time like this.

“Thank you, Marnie. Thank you for calling.” He replied, his voice wavering a little bit.

“You’re welcome, Hop. How about this? I’ll come visit you. It has been a while since we did something together after all.” She asks. “If that is alright with you, of course.”

“Of course. I could use some company right now.” Now it was his turn to chuckle. “Maybe now we could try cooking that curry recipe you always wanted to try out.”

“That is a great idea. I will bring some extra berries, then. Just promise me not to put too many spicy berries this time, okay?” she asks, letting out a light chuckle after.

“I’ll try my best not to.”

“Well, I have to go. I will try to get some good night’s sleep for now. Goodnight, Hop.”

“Goodnight, Marnie.”

Once the call ended, he lay back down on the flat grass, staring at the starry night once more.

“I love you, Hop.”

“... I love you too, Victor…” Closing his eyes, he took in the quiet moment to replay the memories of better days.


The following morning, Hop wakes up to the sight of gray, cloudy skies. He expected that today would be a bright, sunny day. Ugh, what a bummer, this bloody weather. Hop thinks to himself.

Then the realization hits him.

“Oh, crap! I left the laundry in the yard!” Quickly getting up, he put on his flip flops and left his room in a hurry, disregarding the fact that he’s wearing nothing but shorts and a white top tank.

As he quickly made his way down the stairs, he suddenly stopped on his tracks, noticing that the clean laundry had been neatly folded on top of one another. He inspected the bin, only to find that everything, even socks, had been neatly folded in an organized fashion.

“Did I take the laundry back inside last night?” He said to himself.

“Good morning, Hop!” The reply surprised him a bit, turning around to take a look, only to find that Leon is eating breakfast at the table, surrounded by a good portion of food sitting at the table. Surprisingly enough, Leon did not wear his usual set of clothes as he normally would. “Did you sleep well last night?”

Hop yawns, scratching the back of his hair as he sat down on the opposite side of the table. “Yeah, kind of.” He replies, letting out another yawn afterwards. “How was your sparring session with Kabu yesterday?”

“It was alright. Kabu finally found himself some new fire type Pokemon to train with.” Leon chuckled. “He was on the losing side at first, but he turned the tide with the new movesets his Pokemon used.”

Now it’s Hop’s turn to chuckle. The thought of his brother losing to Kabu in a sparring session is a bit hilarious to him. Then again, it’s just a sparring session. Hop then turns his attention to the stack of pancakes over to the right side of the table, and to his surprise, the pancakes did not resemble a stack of charcoal. “Since when did Leon learn to cook properly?” Hop thinks to himself, before taking the plate of stacked pancakes to his side.

Taking the butter knife and fork, he gently slices a part of the top pancake and digs in. Hop’s eyes light up in excitement, the taste of the pancake giving him a short boost of energy. "Oh boy, this is really delicious!" He exclaims, not wasting any time in devouring the helpless stacks of pancakes. This earns him a lighthearted laugh from Leon.

"I take it that the pancake batter I prepared is delicious?" He asks with a proud smile.

Hop nods in a way that would make anyone giggle, still busy in devouring the now receding stack of pancakes. Leon can't help but smile at Hop's antics. He has not seen him this happy for quite some time now, but that is all he wants to see from his younger brother.

A few moments later, Hop finishes up in eating the last piece of pancake, letting out an audible burp after. "Oh, Hehe. Excuse me." He said, a sheepish grin forming on his lips. "Thanks for this delicious breakfast, Leon."

"You're welcome, Hop. I'm just surprised I managed to cook perfect pancakes this time." He replies, letting out a chuckle after. Leon, after all, is not much of a good cook to the point it became the family's favorite joke when it comes to his cooking. Regardless, what matters to him the most is to see his younger brother brimming with happiness, combined with his infectious smile. Even if it means learning to cook his favorite recipes.

“I’m surprised you managed to keep the pancakes warm and fluffy. The last time you cooked pancakes for me and mum, they came out looking like volcanic rocks!” Hop exclaims, his lips still sporting that sheepish grin. “Oops, sorry.” This earns him another lighthearted laugh from his older brother.

“It’s okay, Hop. I’m just glad that you enjoyed your meal.” Leon said as he gave him a glass of water. "Don't forget to stay hydrated.”

Hop responds with a nod, gulping down the water in one go. He stares at the glass for a moment. trying to think about something, his lips trembling. All of a sudden, his mood shifts from happiness, to that of a depressed look.

"Is Victor...?" Hop asks with a wavering voice. "Is he ever going to wake up a-agai…" both of his hands start to shake, a sign that Hop is about to experience a panic attack. Before it could happen, Leon springs into action and quickly walks over to Hop's side of the table, pulling him in his warm and comforting embrace.

"Shhh, it's okay," he whispers, "everything will be okay." Hop held on to his embrace for a minute, eventually letting go once his nerves calmed down, wiping off the tears from his cheeks. "Feel better now?" Hop responds with a nod. "Here, drink." Leon takes his glass and pours some water on it.

"T-thanks." He takes the glass of water and drinks from it to calm himself down. "I'm very worried about him. It's been six bloody months now, and he's still… It's all my fault. If only I-"

"No, Hop." Leon quickly interrupts him. "It's not your fault."

"But it is!" Hop snaps at Leon, his mood shifting to furious anger. "I was careless! Because of me, Victor is in the hospital, clinging on for dear life!" Leon is taken aback at this sudden shift of mood; he had never seen Hop act like this before. Granted, there were times Hop lost his temper and got angry, but this level of anger he witnessed is completely different.

“Had I been more careful, he would still be here with us!” Hop angrily slams his fist on the table. “It’s all my fault, I… I just.” The tears start to slowly roll out from his eyelids, prompting him to calm down and keep his sudden outburst in check. “I-I’m sorry.” is all that he can say, lowering his gaze in an attempt to avoid Leon’s.

To see Hop like this breaks his heart, and yet, he did not want to further agitate him. All he can do is to let him pour it all out, and pat his back in an attempt to comfort him.

“Even if it’s not my fault, I am to blame for some of what happened to him. Had I not told Cinderace and Inteleon that they can go and play further down the area while we cook, that accident would have been averted.” He solemnly said. “I broke the first rule of wild area camping. Because of that, Victor, h-he…” his tears threatened to let loose the flow of water from his dam in full force again. “I don’t think I can find the strength to forgive myself.”

Hop, still keeping his head low, then turns his gaze to Leon. His tears are now free-flowing down on his cheeks. “Do you think he’ll forgive me? Will he still love me?” I-I know Victor’s mom told me that it’s not my fault, but… Victor? Would he forgive me?”

Once more, Leon pulls him in his warm and comforting embrace, all the while circling the palm of his hand on his back. “Of course, he will. He loves you, Hop. More than anything else." Leon then let go of the embrace, wiping off the tears from his cheek and placing his hands on both his shoulders. “Look at me, Hop. Don’t you ever say that again. That’s not who Victor is. He’s anything but the thing you just said.” Leon stops for a brief moment to wipe off the tears from his cheeks with his towel, placing it on his hand once he’s done.

“Victor’s love for you, when measured, stretches beyond the boundaries of the sky. There is nothing in this world that will sway his undying love for you. Heck, he probably has forgiven you already!” Leon reassures him, accompanied by his signature smile. This earns him a smile from Hop as a result.

“There’s the smile I’ve been waiting for.” He chuckles, giving Hop’s hair some ruffling. “Do you feel better now?”

Hop simply nods. “Yeah, I feel a bit better now. Just… had to let those things out.”

“It’s okay, letting it all out is better than bottling them up.” Leon stretches out his right fist to hop. “I promise you; he will return. No matter what.”

Hop’s eyes light up with Hope. Leon’s right. Victor will come back. He stretches out his fist to his as well, performing their signature fist bump. For the rest of the day, he and Leon spent their time sparring with their Pokémon, with Hop emerging as the victor. As a reward, Leon called dibs on cooking dinner, and to Hop’s surprise, it did not end up as another modern disaster.




The next morning, Hop woke up early as he promised Leon that he would take care of washing the clothes from the used bin, with Leon taking care of paying the bills, much to his displeasure. Hop took his spare time to pay Victor’s mum a visit to talk about a few things, and to give her a set of sandwiches that he prepared, something that Hop had always done ever since he learned how to properly cook things.

This time, though, hop enlisted Cinderace’s help in taking care of the laundry as a way to bond with his Pokemon more.

Hop admits to himself, he has never seen Cinderace take an active part in laundry chores, and yet here he is, fast as lightning as if he had done this sort of thing before. For every shirt and pants that Hop washed and scrubbed, his Pokemon churns out two per pants and shirt that he washes. What started as a boring chore quickly turned into a friendly impromptu competition.

“Bun-Bun!” Cinderace exclaims as he shows off hop’s suddy blue T-Shirt with a Scorbunny’s face printed on it. “Bun?”

Hop let out a loud chuckle, “Yes, Cinderace. That’s you.” he cheerfully replies, all the while focusing on washing and scrubbing the dirt off of the shirt. “I should get a T-Shirt with a Cinderace print.” He whispers to himself.

Despite Hop’s best efforts to wash and scrub the dirty clothes, Cinderace won the impromptu friendly contest. “Bun-Bun!” he joyfully exclaims, raising his fist in the air. This earns him yet again another chuckle from Hop, and a high five for a job well done.

“Excellent work, Cinderace!” Hop happily exclaims, giving him two Sitrus berries as a reward. “At this rate, we’ll be finished long before sundown.” Once more, Cinderace raised his paw up in the air, earning him another high five from his trainer.

With the dirty laundry taken care of, Hop focused on hanging the shorts and pants dry on the clothesline while Cinderace is tasked with the opposite. They stayed like that for five minutes, the only audible sound coming from Hop’s humming. And then.

“Hello, Hop!” Marine shouted as she approached the house, waving her hand to catch Hop’s attention.

Hearing her voice, Cinderace is quick to leave the wet pair of pants improperly hanged and runs to her location, stopping Marnie in her tracks as he embraces her with excitement. To see Marnie getting bearhugged by Cinderace made him chuckle. “Hey Marnie!” he shouts back in his cheerful tone. “Be with you in a sec!”

Hanging the last pair of pants, Hop walked to where Marnie is, bringing a small towel along with him. Cinderace finally let go of the embrace, giving her the much-needed breathing space. “How’s the trip, Marnie?”

Marnie gives herself a moment to breathe in some air, all the while wiping off the sweat from her forehead with her handkerchief. “The trip went smoothly. As much as I prefer to take a taxi ride to Postwick, travelling to places with a Corviknight Taxi helps me think about the plans for the day more clearly.” She said, a warm smile forming on her lips. “Do remind me next time about Cinderace’s tendency to run up and embrace your guests, though.”

Hop chuckles with a sheepish smile as he rubs the back of his head. “Right, I forgot. Sorry about that. Can you take over with the rest of the laundry for now, Ace?” Cinderace nodded with a smile, and gave Hop a pat on the back before going back to the front yard.

“Regardless, I am very happy to see you again, Hop.” She extends her hand for a handshake.

“Glad to see you too, Marnie.” Hop returns the gesture with a handshake. “Last time we went outside together, that was… around April, right?” She nods.

“And the day ended with my mouth engulfed in metaphorical flames, its spicy level burns hotter than a Charizard’s Dragon Breath. You should pay more attention to the number of spicy berries you put in the pot next time.” This earns her a nervous chuckle from Hop, whose cheeks are flaring up with a tinge of red.

“Ehehe, sorry about that.” Hop replies, sensing the growing warmth building up on his cheeks. He braced himself mentally as he expected the usual stern lecture that usually follows. Instead, Marnie smiles as she chuckles softly. That caught him a bit off guard.

“Not to worry, Hop. I won’t lecture you this time.” She remarks. “This time, I brought with me a hearty portion of Kelpsy, Pecha, Roseli and Lum berries. What about you? Did you restock your berry inventory yet?” Hop was about to reply, but she is quick to follow up her question. “That is not spicy berries?”

Ah crap, she caught me. Hop thinks to himself “Uhm, ehehe well the thing is… I uh… actually stocked up on a few sweet and sour berries! Yeah, haha!” Hop exclaims, hoping to throw her suspicions out of the way. Leon did buy a few sweet berries the other day, right?

Before she could get the chance of calling him out on his obvious lie, Hop’s phone buzzed all of a sudden. “One second, Marnie.” Hop answers the phone call. “Hello?”

“Hello, this is Doctor Kenneth calling from Wyndon. Is this the number of Victor’s mother?” The doctor asks.

“No, Doctor. You got the wrong number.” He replies. “My name is Hop; Victor’s mum went out to take care of some errands earlier.”

“Ah, my apologies Mr. Hop. Regardless, I have something important to tell you. Can you please relay it to her?” He asks yet again.

“Certainly, doc. What’s the message?”

“It’s about her son, Victor.” The doctor paused for a second, the sound of an envelope being opened was heard on the doctor’s side of the phone call. “He regained his consciousness.”
 
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bluesidra

Mood
Pronouns
she/her
Partners
  1. hoppip-bluesidra-reup
  2. hoppip-bluesidra-pink
  3. hoppip-bluesidra3
Hello friend! So, I finally tackled your first fic! Congrats! You did it! Your first fic! And a brilliant choice in characters, I must say. 11/10 already.

Content

So, this chapter with its 3.4k words can be split up in three sections. Hop being alone, then Marnie calls - Hop and Leon - Hop doing laundry and Marnie arrives

And because I'm a fucking simp, I'm going to concentrate on the second scene fist, because Leon! Who the hell gave him permission to actually be a responsible adult? Not me, for sure! And did he sell his flimsy excuse for a soul again? For good pancakes?
But I like the way you portrayed him a lot! First of all, I like that he seems to take losses fine now. And yeah, he is a really good brother, who actually has time for Hop. A lot has changed since the events of SwSh, it seems. Which begs the question -- how much time has passed? The opening establishes that it's been a few years since Hop and Victor met. But I can't get a good read on how old Hop or Leon are. Anther thing that I found odd where their parents missing. It's strange to see Leon home, but their old folks out.
There is one moment when the narration shifts to Leon, that he remarks that he's never seen Hop so angry. Though from the context, I didn't even get that Hop got angry in the first place. He seemed more distraught and desperate. Sure, in retrospect, I could see him blame himself, but from the reactions you described, it didn't look like anger or self-blame to me.
And the one line, where Leon describes Victor's love for Hop as reaching to and beyond the sky, albeit very poetic, doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of his speech pattern. Which sounds like he's reciting some postcard he found in a shop. And I would not be angry if that was indeed the case :D
Also, he (and Marnie before) mentions, that keeping negative feelings bottled up is unhealthy. I am afraid I have to inform you, that we don't do actually healthy stuff here, Sir. Bottling up is the way to go ;)

On the first and the third part I have fewer things to remark. Marnie is a nice girl, and she is as curtly as I remember her. It fits her very well. The interaction with Cinderace is so sweet! But why are they washing clothes by hand in their yard??? Are they peasants in the middle ages? Did Rotom possess the washing machine and doesn't share? What happened?
Another suspension of disbelief (though that is only very minor and specific to me overthinking everything) is that the doctor freely gives away Victor's state, even though he doesn't speak to his mother. Also, how did Hop and Victor's mom's number get mixed up? But I can overlook that in favor of the massive Mic Drop! that is the last line!

The Mystery

Usually I'd go into detail about the characters here, but in 3.4k spread between four (arguably five) characters, there's not much I can say about them. Maybe I'm just not on top of my game today.
But oh heck, the questions I have!!! I'm so pumped to find out what happened! And when? And where? And why? Does it relate to the Darkest Day? Hop mentioned something about the Wild Area, so that's not it. Or is it? How much time has passed? What kind of injuries does Victor have? Can the angst be cranked up even further? How and when did Leon become responsible? Did he really sell his soul for cooking skills and did he at least get a sample pack of gummi bears on top of it? Where is my boy Eternatus right now? Is he chilling in their backyard?
So yes, I am very invested. Pls update, want more.

Tense

So, I noticed you chose present tense for your writing. Which is interesting, I've rarely seen it. I'm much more used to past tense. But I also noticed that you tend to slip into past tense quite a bit still. It's nothing bad, and it doesn't take me out of the reading, at all. That's why it's actually hard to spot it. I marked a few lines, but then they got too much and I dropped it again.
If I were you, I'd take the google document and mark every sentence that is not a quote with the textmarker tool. Then you have a visual element to what sentences have to be present tense. And then go over those marked sentences again and mark every verb that isn't present with a different color. And after that, you can go about correcting it.
He braced himself mentally as he expected the usual stern lecture that usually follows.
“Ah, I see. So, what’s up Marnie?”
she replied
He let out a weary sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
His momentary hope for good news came crashing down like a speeding car falling off a tall cliff and exploding upon impact. Hop bit his lip, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to escape.
Before she could finish her sentence, Hop quickly interrupts her.

Writing Style

I like your writing style. The sentences are rather short, which can be nice. Sometimes, linking a few sentences together, especially in the prose and the description of actions would help, but otherwise, it's neat. It may also be an effect of present tense. Idk, past tense implies that things are already over, so there is no pressure any longer and a short sentence can linger a bit to highten its impact. But with present tense, I'm always looking for the next thing that's going to happen, since... it's happening right now. But that might just be me.

One thing you might want to work on is conveying emotions in your descriptions. Which is a feedback that sucks. I've gotten it plenty of times, I struggle with it, I don't know how to do it better. It's just a harsh thing. But at times, I could only tell what Hop was experiencing when other characters pointed it out, either in their dialogue or in their thoughts. Maybe go into Hop's thoughts before that? Or describe his bodily reactions a bit more? When he starts crying with Marnie on the phone, I don't get if he's ashamed of it, or if he doesn't care, or if he feels relieved. Maybe go into that a bit longer?

On a few occasions there are sentences that don't connect to each other properly. That's probably a relic from editing, when the line makes perfect sense in your head, but the link between the two has been edited out.
Here are some examples:
Those words linger in the depths of Hop’s mind every day. The words that he keeps close to his heart dearly.

Before the last words that he and Victor last shared together.
My problem here is with "Before the last words". It is technically not a full sentence, and constructs like that are usually used in repetition to drive a point home. But then you always open with a sentence that marks the point in time that the "before" refers to. For example:
When I went to the the mall, everything was fine. But that was before I met Jack. Before everything fell apart.
It is clear that the "before" in the last sentence refers to the same point as the "before" in the second sentence. And that refers to meeting Jack, which took place some time after I visited the mall.
But in your case, I can't parse what the "Before" means. (I think I get it, like, those were the second to last words they shared, but it sends my brain for a loop)
Tears flow out from his eyes, unable to prevent it from leaking.
This sentence is another one that does not quite click? The subject of the clause are the tears. So the thing that is "unable to prevent" should be the tears too. But that doesn't make sense. It's Hop who is unable to prevent them from leaking.
She’s still awake at an hour like this? Hop thinks to himself.

“Hey Marnie,” Hop answered. “It’s a bit late for you to be awake at this hour.”
This is only peripherally linked to the point, but you repeat yourself here. We can infer that Hop thinks she's up too late when he tells her that, so his thoughts the line before don't add anything new. Maybe instead, his thoughts could reveal something about his relationship to Marnie that he doesn't say out loud? Maybe he is surprised or annoyed by her call?
He braced himself mentally as he expected the usual stern lecture that usually follows.
"Usually" used twice very close together
“Hello, Hop!” Marine shouted as she approached the house, waving her hand to catch Hop’s attention.
Marine is the superior version of the name, fight me. Also, "shouted" is past tense.
From the day they first met as Neighbours,
Why is "Neighbours" capitalised?

So, that shall conclude my rambling thoughts on your first ever chapter! Congratulations! Be proud of yourself!
The characters are likable, the story is engaging, the mystery is mysterious and the Hurt/Comfort and Angst levels are through the roof! That is a recipe for an excellent story, all the technical issues will fix themselves as you get more and more practise.
I'm so looking forward to the follow-up!

Keep up the good work! Cheers - blue
 

HelloYellow17

Gym Leader
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. suicune
  2. umbreon
  3. mew
  4. lycanroc-wes
  5. leafeon-rui
Sorry I’m late for Smeargle Swap, but here it is! I knew I wanted to paint a fun night sky as soon as I read the opening scene. C2B887CB-C7E7-4E1E-AD21-F2C554125A68.jpg
 

CinderArts

Bug Catcher
Location
Sandgem Town
Pronouns
He!
Partners
  1. cinderace
Sorry I’m late for Smeargle Swap, but here it is! I knew I wanted to paint a fun night sky as soon as I read the opening scene.
It's alright, I understand you need to do some important things too :veelove: I really REALLY love this artpiece so much; it perfectly captures the scene that I imagined in my thoughts while writing this chapter! Thank you! :veelove:
 

ArielDiancie

Fanfic Writer/Reader and Hardcore Pokemon Fan
Location
Ontario, Canada
Pronouns
She/Her
First of all I’m not really a fan of slice of life stories, however this is written exceptionally well and did an excellent job at keeping me engaged, the only problem I had with it was the slow start, but coming from som one who enjoys magical girl content, I don’t think you should take it personally! I’m really invested in their backstory, like how they Met, how their relationship developed over time, I’m probably just overlooking the fact that it follows the same story as Pokémon Sword and Shield except you’ve added on some extra content to it (Or just added a real relationship, in which case would have been a good idea to incorporate this originally in the game itself)
 
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Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
  2. zygarde
Hey, I'm here for Review Bliitz! And oooh, a Sword And Shield fic! I know Sword and Shield gets a lot of fic and a good chunk of it is Leon X Raihan but I always still like seeing it because I have a soft spot for those games and it means the most ~controversial~ Pokemon game is getting some love.

Hop and Victor's relationship is romantic, yes? Good. If you're going to have romance, make it queer somehow if you can. I do dearly wonder what happened to Victor. Did Eternatus deal him a critical blow? Or was it an African Swellow with an exceptionally large coconut? I guess I'll find out next chapter or so.

You have some good relationships on display. Marnie and Hop's friendship is abundantly clear, as is Hop and Leon's brotherly relationship. Is this post-Sword and Shield canon? I didn't notice any mention of Eternatus, Rose, Zacian, Zamazenta, any of that shit... Unless I was dumb and missed it. Yet everyone FEELS a little older and wiser here. I presume all this will be answered in human chapters.

Speaking of the timeline, yeesh, Victor's been in a coma for six months? Most people would be declared braindead by then but but Hop's sttill holding out, and he gets rewarded at the end of the chapter I guess. Wait, IS Victor the Sword and Shield protagonist? I presume so and have been assuming so this whole readthrough but I could be wrong. Again stuff for future chapters.

...I guess since I'm noting that a lot as a criticism you COULD establish what's going on overarchingly a bit more out of the gate. But it's no biggie and again I could be missing stuff.

But this seems like a very cute fic! Hope to see more.
 

SparklingEspeon

Back on Her Bullshit
Staff
Location
a Terrace of Indeterminate Location in Snowbelle
Pronouns
She/Her
Partners
  1. espurr
  2. fennekin
  3. zoroark
Greetings! I arrive with gloRIOUS GOLD—I mean catnip

This is an interesting start to what looks like it’s going to be an either very somber or very slice of lifey chapterfic! I don’t see fic from the perspective of Hop of all people, so this is a new one for sure. And, for the most part, I think it’s a pretty good start. Introduces all the characters we need to see, gives us some good angst, and sets the stage for things to start immediately picking up next chapter. Not much more I could ask for! Though, for only one chapter, I find myself at a bit of a loss for a comprehensive look. We’ve only gotten to see the beginning, and though it’s a very tight beginning, there’s no telling what we’ll see next beyond Victor waking up.

I did have some criticisms, though, and they lie in narrative and character voice. I feel a lot like both the prose and the characters here didn’t really grip me, and that’s mostly because the prose and characters sound the exact same. I gather that English might not be your first language, so I don’t want to be too hard on you here! But here’s some pointers I think could help out.

  • Character voice: People are different! And they’ll talk differently, because they’ve got a bunch of life experiences that are unique to them. So when you write their dialogue, it isn’t enough to have them just say their lines. They need to sound different too! What you can consider to try and give them each their own unique voices is putting yourself in their shoes, and considering their different traits. How would Leon’s experiences as a popular champion influence how he speaks? Hop’s trauma from what happened with Victor and a life of looking up to Leon? What about Marnie? And so on and so forth. I can’t stress enough how much giving characters their own voices can make them stand out from each other. It works wonders, makes them stick in a reader’s mind, and can even help you as the author develop them more. Worth a spin!

  • Prose: There were a couple of issues with prose here. Sometimes you’d switch between present and past tense for a couple of words here and there, which I’m assuming were typos. There’s also a weird split between present tense for the first half of the chapter and past for the rest, which made it read kind of oddly—you can probably just get away with one the whole way through, if there isn’t a reason to have the split. The second thing is that I often felt like instead of showing, the prose was telling. What that means is that there was a lot of “X did this” or “this happened”, but the prose wasn’t really articulating beyond that. I think you could see a lot of improvement here by trying to expand on what you see happening. Instead of writing about Hop doing things, why not write about what he feels as he’s doing them? What was his headspace like during all of this? He was surprised when Leon showed up—what was his inner monologue like when that happened? Things like that not only make the picture more vivid, they open us up to connect and empathize more with Hop as a character.
For plot hopes… I’ll be interested to see where you take Victor after this. Previous research on coma patients says that when they wake up, they usually need rehabilitating before they can return properly to their lives, so I don’t think we’ll be seeing him fully conscious just yet. I’ll be interested to see whether you go for a long-term recovery and the angst from Hop that comes with that, or if you’ll have him recover quickly and then start with a new direction. For the second one, I definitely have to wonder what new conflict you’ll instate to keep the story going—maybe something to do with Hop’s guilt over landing Victor in a coma?

Overall, nice job! You’ve got a cool and efficient setup—With some tweaks to your prose and character voice, I think this can go places. Good luck on your writing journey!

~SparklingEspeon

Listening to: The Sore Feet Song - Mushishi
 

Umbramatic

The Ghost Lord
Location
The Yangverse
Pronouns
Any
Partners
  1. reshiram
  2. zygarde
Hi! Here is your Smeargle Swap! they're depressed your honor

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Flyg0n

Flygon connoisseur
Pronouns
She/her
Partners
  1. flygon
  2. swampert
  3. ho-oh
  4. crobat
  5. orbeetle
  6. joltik
  7. salandit
  8. tyrantrum
  9. porygon
Smeargle Swap!!!

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