Umbramatic
The Ghost Lord
Written in 2014, this is a prequel to one particular story idea of mine. It’s also pretty R-rated due to swearing and some sexual references and content – though the latter should make sense given who the story is about.
Now let’s-a go:
Wakeup Call
Kyle Jacobson was doing his taxes. Again. He wished he didn't have to because he worked for the government, but he did it all the same.
He looked up from his work and gazed around his empty house. Furnishings were sparse- there was a kitchen with a kitchen table, a couch in front of a big-screen TV, and stairs to the upstairs bedrooms, but that was it.
He was about to return to his work when the doorbell rang.
Kyle got up, went to the door, and opened it cautiously.
Standing before him were two people, both carrying large suitcases. One was a familiar face – Harry Dinkgrave from work, with his jowls, business suit, and half-bald, graying hair. The other seemed to be a skinny young man in his early twenties, with blonde, messy hair, a hairless face, and a t-shirt depicting a baby chick and a magnet.
“Ah, Kyle Jacobson,” said Harry. “Good to see you.”
The boy snorted. “This is the guy?”
He shoved Kyle aside and headed inside, proceeding to plop himself down on the couch and pull out a smartphone that he started playing with.
“Er, Harry?” said Kyle. “Who is this kid?”
“Settle down, Jacobson,” said Harry. “I’ll explain shortly.”
The two headed inside and stood next to the couch.
“Now,” said Harry, “You already know I work in your division.”
“Yeah?” said Kyle.
“What you didn’t know until just now was that I also work for a division involving things more… Paranormal.”
Kyle blinked. “I’m… not sure what you mean by that.”
Harry turned to the young man. ”Show him.”
The young man looked up from his phone, smirked, and then snapped his fingers. Kyle jumped at the flash and noise of a lightning bolt striking his front yard.
“…OK, who the fuck is this kid?”
“This ‘kid’,” said Harry, “Is the Greek god Zeus.”
Zeus pointed two thumbs at himself. “The one and only.”
Kyle shook his head. “Wait just a minute here. Zeus is supposed to look old, with a big beard.”
Zeus chuckled. “Do you really think I could pick up chicks these days looking like Santa Claus?”
Kyle sighed. “OK, so maybe he is some golden-haired Adonis-“
“Trust me, I’m way sexier than Adonis,” said Zeus.
”-but why the hell did you bring him to me?”
“The truth is,” said Harry, “That Zeus was kicked out of Olympus for an incident I’d rather not describe…”
“Oh man it was hilarious,” said Zeus.
“…And we decided you were the best candidate to take care of him until they let him back in.”
“Me?” said Kyle. “Why?”
“You had kids, but aren’t taking care of them right now; so you’ll have a decent idea of how to take care of him.”
“….He’s a deity.”
“We know it’s daunting, Mr. Jacobson, but we’re sure you’ll do fine,” said Harry. “Now if you’ll excuse me I need to be going.”
He dropped his bag and walked out the front door. Kyle just stood where he was, spluttering.
Zeus got up and walked over to Kyle. “Oh, one rule for if I’m staying here…”
He shoved Kyle, who staggered back from Zeus’ surprising strength.
“Stay out of my way.”
He then grabbed his bags and headed upstairs, leaving Kyle to stare after him until he finally vocalized his disdain.
“Fuck.”
----------------------------
The next day, Kyle got home from work to find Zeus had covered the kitchen table with his food and was proceeding to eat all of it.
“OK, who said you could eat all my food?” said Kyle.
“I did,” said Zeus, and continued eating.
“Look,” said Kyle, moving towards the table, “You are gonna put all this back and eat what I-“
Zeus flicked his fingers, sending a jolt of electricity from them to Kyle’s foot. Kyle yelled and staggered back in pain.
“Like I said,” said Zeus. “Stay out of my way.”
Kyle grumbled and left the room.
------------------------------------
The day after that Kyle found Zeus along with what appeared to be another young man in the kitchen. The young man was clutching a wine glass, had long, dark hair, and was dressed almost entirely in black, including his cloth hat and the rims of his glasses but excluding a dark purple scarf.
“Now you’re bringing your friends in here,” said Kyle. “Great.”
“Don’t be rude,” said Zeus. “This is my son Dionysus.”
“Hmph,” said Dionysus. “How’d you end up with this deadbeat anyway?”
“One, I am not a deadbeat,” said Kyle. “Two, how are you his son? You two look the same age.”
“Immortality,” both gods replied at once.
“…Okay then,” said Kyle, shaking his head.
“Don’t just stand there,” said Dionysus. “Actually try and have a conversation! Ask me a question or something.”
Kyle racked his brain for a question.
"Um... If you like wine what's your opinion of all these newfangled alcoholic drinks?
"Overly experimental in my opinion," said Dionysus. "Can't beat the classics."
“You seem like the critical type,” said Kyle to Dionysus.
“I have to be!” said Dionysus. “I’m a wine critic, food critic, art critic, and theatre critic.”
“…Is that even possible?” said Kyle.
“You’re forgetting who you’re dealing with,” said Dionysus. “I once gave Shakespeare a bad review; he was raging for weeks!”
“If you say so,” said Kyle.
Dionysius snorted disdainfully. “I’m going to see if there’s anything worthwhile on TV. Probably not.”
He headed off.
“I remember when he first got laid,” said Zeus. “I was so proud.”
Kyle just sighed.
----------------------------------------------
Soon after, Kyle was talking to a young, female neighbor when a small dog appeared at his feet.
“I didn’t know you had a dog!” said the neighbor.
Kyle blinked. “I didn’t know I had one either.”
The dog wagged its tail and went up to the neighbor.
“Aww!” said the neighbor. “He’s so cute!”
The dog then started humping the neighbor’s leg as she giggled.
“No!” said Kyle. “Bad dog!”
The dog snarled and backed off.
“Well, I gotta go! See ya!” said the neighbor, heading off.
Once she was gone the dog glowed and stretched until it was once again Zeus.
“Chicks love dogs.”
“Go to your room.”
-----------------------------------------------
One night Kyle came home to a party.
His house was a mess. A man was helping itself to what little food was left in his fridge. Teenagers and twenty somethings were dancing together to loud, obnoxious music.
Kyle grabbed a young man by the shoulders. “Where’s Zeus?”
“He went upstairs with some chick.”
Kyle rushed upstairs and headed to the bedroom where Zeus was staying.
He turned the lights on to find Zeus and an unfamiliar girl sitting on the bedthe bed, arms and legs coiled around each other’s bodies as they made out loudly and messily and felt at each other's bodies. The two looked away from their kissing and fondling to stare at Kyle in shock, before Zeus separated himself from the girl and stomped angrily over to Kyle.
“Oh no no no,” said Kyle. “I can put up with your other shit, but you are not hosting parties and bringing home strange girls for you to sleep with.”
“Funny,” said Zeus, “I was just about to tell you to fuck off.”
“Well you get everyone out of here or I’ll-“
Zeus clenched his fists as electricity crackled between his fingers. The lights flickered. Suddenly the girl screamed.
“What kind of freak are you? Just trying to zap a guy like that!” she yelled.
“Lily”, said Zeus, “I-“
“Get away from me!”
Zeus cursed under his breath and left the room. Kyle sighed.
“Get your stuff together and I’ll take you home,” he said to Lily.
----------------------------------------------
The next morning, Kyle approached Zeus as he was watching TV, both with a discontent expression on their faces.
“I hope you’re happy with yourself,” said Kyle.
Zeus seemed to ignore him.
“I had a hell of a time convincing that girl not to tell anyone about the freaky lightning kid..”
Zeus shifted slightly.
“So hopefully you realize that even though you’re a deity you can’t do whatever the fuck you want.”
He turned to walk away when Zeus spoke.
“You’re right. I can’t.”
Kyle turned back around. “You agree with me?”
“Everything’s changed. I can’t get away with half the shit I used to. But I always forget that. And every time I get the same damn wakeup call.”
Kyle paused and shifted.
“Well if you want to have wakeup calls less you can ask me for advice.”
It was Zeus’ turn to look at Kyle in surprise.
“Thanks, I guess?”
Kyle nodded and left the room. Zeus looked back at the TV, a puzzled look on his face.
----------------------------------
The next day, Kyle found Zeus playing a handheld video game on the couch.
“Super Smash Bros?”
“Ayup.”
Kyle sat down next to Zeus to watch him play. After a while he spoke.
“Say… What are the other gods like? Aside from Dionysus of course.”
Zeus paused the game and looked up at Kyle.
“Well… Poseidon’s relatively sensible… Athena’s a nerd, Ares is a jock… Hephaestus makes crazy shit in his forge-lab-thing…”
“What about Hades?”
“Hades is actually a really sweet and friendly guy. It’s just that he’s in charge of the underworld and that scares people so he has no friends.”
Kyle blinked. “I thought he was really nasty?”
“Sometimes it’s hilarious how much you mortals get wrong,” said Zeus. “Sometimes it’s not.”
“Can’t you guys try and fix that?”
“We’ve tried. We just don’t have the influence we used to because some crazy shit happened to the world and also we were even bigger jerks way back when.”
Zeus sighed.
“We fucked up.”
“You’re not the only ones,” said Kyle. “I used to share this house with a wife and three kids. Then I started focusing too much on my job and before you know it a divorce happened.”
“Man that sucks.”
“But I like to think we can both make things better for ourselves.”
“Yeah…” said Zeus.
Kyle looked at Zeus’ game.
“You’re playing as Pikachu?”
“Tell anyone and I zap you to kingdom come.”
Kyle smirked. “I won’t tell a soul.”
----------------------------------------
A few days later Kyle and Zeus were talking when the doorbell rang.
Kyle answered it to find Harry standing at the door.
“Mr. Jacobson? You no longer need to take care of our charge.”
“Wait, what?” said both Kyle and Zeus at once.
“He’s been allowed back in Olympus. He should be going now.”
“But… we just barely got to know each other,” said Zeus.
Harry smirked. “I’m sure you can come and visit.”
Zeus sighed. A few seconds later, his bags appeared out of thin air in his hands and he walked out the door.
Before he went any further, he turned to Kyle.
“Thanks, old man.”
“You’re welcome,” said Kyle.
"Actually... one last photo for the road?"
Kyle blinked. "Um, sure?"
Zeus grinned, pulled out a phone, and took a parting selfie with Kyle.
--------------------------------------
Zeus was rummaging through his belongings as the other gods were boarding a starship. Dionysus looked over to him while doing so.
"Hurry it up, Zeus!"
"Yeah yeah, " said Zeus.
As he was about to put his bag away however he stopped on one iten in particular. It was a framed picture of him with a middle-aged man. Zeus smiled.
"Hey that was... Kyle. I remember that guy. Good times."
His smile turned into a frown.
"Dude's... almost definitely dead by now."
He stared at the picture a while longer before sighing, putting it away in his bag, and boarding the starship.
***
Now let’s-a go:
Wakeup Call
Kyle Jacobson was doing his taxes. Again. He wished he didn't have to because he worked for the government, but he did it all the same.
He looked up from his work and gazed around his empty house. Furnishings were sparse- there was a kitchen with a kitchen table, a couch in front of a big-screen TV, and stairs to the upstairs bedrooms, but that was it.
He was about to return to his work when the doorbell rang.
Kyle got up, went to the door, and opened it cautiously.
Standing before him were two people, both carrying large suitcases. One was a familiar face – Harry Dinkgrave from work, with his jowls, business suit, and half-bald, graying hair. The other seemed to be a skinny young man in his early twenties, with blonde, messy hair, a hairless face, and a t-shirt depicting a baby chick and a magnet.
“Ah, Kyle Jacobson,” said Harry. “Good to see you.”
The boy snorted. “This is the guy?”
He shoved Kyle aside and headed inside, proceeding to plop himself down on the couch and pull out a smartphone that he started playing with.
“Er, Harry?” said Kyle. “Who is this kid?”
“Settle down, Jacobson,” said Harry. “I’ll explain shortly.”
The two headed inside and stood next to the couch.
“Now,” said Harry, “You already know I work in your division.”
“Yeah?” said Kyle.
“What you didn’t know until just now was that I also work for a division involving things more… Paranormal.”
Kyle blinked. “I’m… not sure what you mean by that.”
Harry turned to the young man. ”Show him.”
The young man looked up from his phone, smirked, and then snapped his fingers. Kyle jumped at the flash and noise of a lightning bolt striking his front yard.
“…OK, who the fuck is this kid?”
“This ‘kid’,” said Harry, “Is the Greek god Zeus.”
Zeus pointed two thumbs at himself. “The one and only.”
Kyle shook his head. “Wait just a minute here. Zeus is supposed to look old, with a big beard.”
Zeus chuckled. “Do you really think I could pick up chicks these days looking like Santa Claus?”
Kyle sighed. “OK, so maybe he is some golden-haired Adonis-“
“Trust me, I’m way sexier than Adonis,” said Zeus.
”-but why the hell did you bring him to me?”
“The truth is,” said Harry, “That Zeus was kicked out of Olympus for an incident I’d rather not describe…”
“Oh man it was hilarious,” said Zeus.
“…And we decided you were the best candidate to take care of him until they let him back in.”
“Me?” said Kyle. “Why?”
“You had kids, but aren’t taking care of them right now; so you’ll have a decent idea of how to take care of him.”
“….He’s a deity.”
“We know it’s daunting, Mr. Jacobson, but we’re sure you’ll do fine,” said Harry. “Now if you’ll excuse me I need to be going.”
He dropped his bag and walked out the front door. Kyle just stood where he was, spluttering.
Zeus got up and walked over to Kyle. “Oh, one rule for if I’m staying here…”
He shoved Kyle, who staggered back from Zeus’ surprising strength.
“Stay out of my way.”
He then grabbed his bags and headed upstairs, leaving Kyle to stare after him until he finally vocalized his disdain.
“Fuck.”
----------------------------
The next day, Kyle got home from work to find Zeus had covered the kitchen table with his food and was proceeding to eat all of it.
“OK, who said you could eat all my food?” said Kyle.
“I did,” said Zeus, and continued eating.
“Look,” said Kyle, moving towards the table, “You are gonna put all this back and eat what I-“
Zeus flicked his fingers, sending a jolt of electricity from them to Kyle’s foot. Kyle yelled and staggered back in pain.
“Like I said,” said Zeus. “Stay out of my way.”
Kyle grumbled and left the room.
------------------------------------
The day after that Kyle found Zeus along with what appeared to be another young man in the kitchen. The young man was clutching a wine glass, had long, dark hair, and was dressed almost entirely in black, including his cloth hat and the rims of his glasses but excluding a dark purple scarf.
“Now you’re bringing your friends in here,” said Kyle. “Great.”
“Don’t be rude,” said Zeus. “This is my son Dionysus.”
“Hmph,” said Dionysus. “How’d you end up with this deadbeat anyway?”
“One, I am not a deadbeat,” said Kyle. “Two, how are you his son? You two look the same age.”
“Immortality,” both gods replied at once.
“…Okay then,” said Kyle, shaking his head.
“Don’t just stand there,” said Dionysus. “Actually try and have a conversation! Ask me a question or something.”
Kyle racked his brain for a question.
"Um... If you like wine what's your opinion of all these newfangled alcoholic drinks?
"Overly experimental in my opinion," said Dionysus. "Can't beat the classics."
“You seem like the critical type,” said Kyle to Dionysus.
“I have to be!” said Dionysus. “I’m a wine critic, food critic, art critic, and theatre critic.”
“…Is that even possible?” said Kyle.
“You’re forgetting who you’re dealing with,” said Dionysus. “I once gave Shakespeare a bad review; he was raging for weeks!”
“If you say so,” said Kyle.
Dionysius snorted disdainfully. “I’m going to see if there’s anything worthwhile on TV. Probably not.”
He headed off.
“I remember when he first got laid,” said Zeus. “I was so proud.”
Kyle just sighed.
----------------------------------------------
Soon after, Kyle was talking to a young, female neighbor when a small dog appeared at his feet.
“I didn’t know you had a dog!” said the neighbor.
Kyle blinked. “I didn’t know I had one either.”
The dog wagged its tail and went up to the neighbor.
“Aww!” said the neighbor. “He’s so cute!”
The dog then started humping the neighbor’s leg as she giggled.
“No!” said Kyle. “Bad dog!”
The dog snarled and backed off.
“Well, I gotta go! See ya!” said the neighbor, heading off.
Once she was gone the dog glowed and stretched until it was once again Zeus.
“Chicks love dogs.”
“Go to your room.”
-----------------------------------------------
One night Kyle came home to a party.
His house was a mess. A man was helping itself to what little food was left in his fridge. Teenagers and twenty somethings were dancing together to loud, obnoxious music.
Kyle grabbed a young man by the shoulders. “Where’s Zeus?”
“He went upstairs with some chick.”
Kyle rushed upstairs and headed to the bedroom where Zeus was staying.
He turned the lights on to find Zeus and an unfamiliar girl sitting on the bedthe bed, arms and legs coiled around each other’s bodies as they made out loudly and messily and felt at each other's bodies. The two looked away from their kissing and fondling to stare at Kyle in shock, before Zeus separated himself from the girl and stomped angrily over to Kyle.
“Oh no no no,” said Kyle. “I can put up with your other shit, but you are not hosting parties and bringing home strange girls for you to sleep with.”
“Funny,” said Zeus, “I was just about to tell you to fuck off.”
“Well you get everyone out of here or I’ll-“
Zeus clenched his fists as electricity crackled between his fingers. The lights flickered. Suddenly the girl screamed.
“What kind of freak are you? Just trying to zap a guy like that!” she yelled.
“Lily”, said Zeus, “I-“
“Get away from me!”
Zeus cursed under his breath and left the room. Kyle sighed.
“Get your stuff together and I’ll take you home,” he said to Lily.
----------------------------------------------
The next morning, Kyle approached Zeus as he was watching TV, both with a discontent expression on their faces.
“I hope you’re happy with yourself,” said Kyle.
Zeus seemed to ignore him.
“I had a hell of a time convincing that girl not to tell anyone about the freaky lightning kid..”
Zeus shifted slightly.
“So hopefully you realize that even though you’re a deity you can’t do whatever the fuck you want.”
He turned to walk away when Zeus spoke.
“You’re right. I can’t.”
Kyle turned back around. “You agree with me?”
“Everything’s changed. I can’t get away with half the shit I used to. But I always forget that. And every time I get the same damn wakeup call.”
Kyle paused and shifted.
“Well if you want to have wakeup calls less you can ask me for advice.”
It was Zeus’ turn to look at Kyle in surprise.
“Thanks, I guess?”
Kyle nodded and left the room. Zeus looked back at the TV, a puzzled look on his face.
----------------------------------
The next day, Kyle found Zeus playing a handheld video game on the couch.
“Super Smash Bros?”
“Ayup.”
Kyle sat down next to Zeus to watch him play. After a while he spoke.
“Say… What are the other gods like? Aside from Dionysus of course.”
Zeus paused the game and looked up at Kyle.
“Well… Poseidon’s relatively sensible… Athena’s a nerd, Ares is a jock… Hephaestus makes crazy shit in his forge-lab-thing…”
“What about Hades?”
“Hades is actually a really sweet and friendly guy. It’s just that he’s in charge of the underworld and that scares people so he has no friends.”
Kyle blinked. “I thought he was really nasty?”
“Sometimes it’s hilarious how much you mortals get wrong,” said Zeus. “Sometimes it’s not.”
“Can’t you guys try and fix that?”
“We’ve tried. We just don’t have the influence we used to because some crazy shit happened to the world and also we were even bigger jerks way back when.”
Zeus sighed.
“We fucked up.”
“You’re not the only ones,” said Kyle. “I used to share this house with a wife and three kids. Then I started focusing too much on my job and before you know it a divorce happened.”
“Man that sucks.”
“But I like to think we can both make things better for ourselves.”
“Yeah…” said Zeus.
Kyle looked at Zeus’ game.
“You’re playing as Pikachu?”
“Tell anyone and I zap you to kingdom come.”
Kyle smirked. “I won’t tell a soul.”
----------------------------------------
A few days later Kyle and Zeus were talking when the doorbell rang.
Kyle answered it to find Harry standing at the door.
“Mr. Jacobson? You no longer need to take care of our charge.”
“Wait, what?” said both Kyle and Zeus at once.
“He’s been allowed back in Olympus. He should be going now.”
“But… we just barely got to know each other,” said Zeus.
Harry smirked. “I’m sure you can come and visit.”
Zeus sighed. A few seconds later, his bags appeared out of thin air in his hands and he walked out the door.
Before he went any further, he turned to Kyle.
“Thanks, old man.”
“You’re welcome,” said Kyle.
"Actually... one last photo for the road?"
Kyle blinked. "Um, sure?"
Zeus grinned, pulled out a phone, and took a parting selfie with Kyle.
--------------------------------------
Zeus was rummaging through his belongings as the other gods were boarding a starship. Dionysus looked over to him while doing so.
"Hurry it up, Zeus!"
"Yeah yeah, " said Zeus.
As he was about to put his bag away however he stopped on one iten in particular. It was a framed picture of him with a middle-aged man. Zeus smiled.
"Hey that was... Kyle. I remember that guy. Good times."
His smile turned into a frown.
"Dude's... almost definitely dead by now."
He stared at the picture a while longer before sighing, putting it away in his bag, and boarding the starship.
***
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