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Pokémon TCG2: Doduo Adventures - Book One: TCG Island (In Progress)

Spiteful Murkrow

Busy Writing Stories I Want to Read
Pronouns
He/Him/His
Partners
  1. nidoran-f
  2. druddigon
  3. swellow
  4. lugia
  5. growlithe
  6. quilava-fobbie
  7. sneasel-kate
  8. heliolisk-fobbie
Heya, swinging by to pick off the Review Tag from here onsite since things have been jammed for long enough. Your request asked for the Intro and Prologue, and since I didn’t quite read those in the v1 of this story, I figured it was as good a time as any to correct that:

Introduction

Introduction

The Pokemon Trading Card game for Gameboy color:

View attachment 19662

A classic game with a sequel as well!

Sadly, the sequel never had an official release outside of Japan.

Eventually, a fan-made English translation surfaced and now it is possible to experience the game even if one does not read Japanese! The game had a host of new cards and characters beyond the original game making it the best way to experience the card game in its original form.

View attachment 19663

I’m still impressed that you wound up spinning a yarn out of such a niche spinoff in the franchise, since to this day, I don’t think that I’ve seen anyone attempt a PTCG game fic, much less one for the game that is stuck in Unlocalization Hell.

The story was very simple: in the first game, which takes place on TCG Island, you compete with your rival, Ronald, to gather the eight master medals from various clubs like the water or fire clubs, and then compete against the grand-masters to earn their legendary Pokemon cards: Dragonite, Zapdos, Moltres, and Articuno.

Below is the map of the only island from the original game as it appears in the second game: TCG Island.

View attachment 19664

Wait, wait, wait. Only island from the original game “as it appears in the second game”? Meaning that PTCG2 pulled a G/S on the original game’s setting?

The sequel greatly expanded upon the first game by adding many more cards, locations, characters, music, and a continuation of the story from the original game which revolves around Team GR invading from a new island to steal the cards of everyone on TCG Island, and your journey to stop them. It also includes much more post game content allowing play against a variety of powerful card duelists known as ghostmasters.

Below is a map of the new land introduced in the second game: GR Island

View attachment 19665

Huh, well. I see that G/S wasn’t the only Pokémon game to go the “new region builds off the old one” route, even if it’s a bit curious that the devs opted to also start in the old region for the story.

Even with the sequel, the story is still very basic and much is left to the imagination of the player for how their world really works, hence the playground for writing fan fiction!

And no doofy bicephallic birds, I’m sure. Since that’s something that I definitely never heard about being a thing in the PTCG games.

Our story follows the protagonist as he seeks to duel opponents with only common cards(aka no uncommon cards, rare cards, or promo cards!).

Huh. I wonder what that does for the difficulty of the playthrough if you attempt that. Is it a common challenge among players of the PTCG games?

As an optional enhancement for the story, each number in parentheses is a clickable link to music on youtube, soundcloud, or bandcamp which functions as a soundtrack for the story. Each track is intended to be played or repeated until you reach the next point in the story where a link for another track is included. Here is one as an example below!

(0.9)

I’m a little surprised that you’re not just putting the link directly on the word where the music is intended to start up in the story, but duly noted. I still think that this is a clever tie-in for your story here.

Listed below are changes to the story of the original games and important context for our adaptation:

1. All duels mentioned in the fic were played by me in the actual game using the actual results. As such, the story doubles as a lets-play in written form. For some duels, I went back later and made up some details to add in without changing the end result of the duel. The level of details included for the various duels depends on the opponent and the stakes involved. The story generally focuses on the outcomes of the duels more than the duels themselves in order to appeal to a wider audience, but I am open to improving the details if any are especially bothersome.​

2. Author's Notes hidden behind spoilers are included at various locations in the story which help describe TCG rules, mechanics, and general information pertaining to the TCG games for anyone who hasn't played the games or the Pokemon TCG, for anyone who is curious.​

Oh, so this is straight-up a novelized Let’s Play. It’ll be interesting to see how much you fleshed out the card battles this time around, since in your original version, they were heavily glossed over.

And looked over your changelog for the story. I don’t have much to comment on it other than that the format of this review might be a bit different from the one you got last time in order to try and accommodate your requested feedback parameters.

Prologue

The new prologue you see here is much shorter than the original. This is because the remainder of the original prologue has now become the chapters in all of Book One! The new prologue below only shows up until the Gentleman is about to embark on his quest to play duels. Chapter 1 is the start of that quest. With that information, feel free to proceed to Chapter 1 including if you are here for a catnip review! If you want to go back and compare to the old prologue for reference, the link is here.

Well that’s a big change there. I suppose that I should take that as a sign that this is going to be a significantly decompressed version of events relative to your v1. Which given that I was one of those souls that didn’t read the original prologue, will definitely be keeping this a novel experience for me.

(1)

Diary:

April 3rd

Oh, that format’s definitely new. Though I can already tell that it’ll help considerably for gauging how much time is going on in between events in this story.

After proving my worth as a card duelist on TCG Island by winning games against a slew of people who live on the island, I was able to gain a substantial amount of money and am now the rank of champion!

Apparently being this good at the Pokemon trading card game is not something that is easy to emulate! Perhaps graduating with highest honors from Pokemon Card Elite University gave me an edge? My unrestricted deck, 'Mystic Fire' was a force to behold indeed! It was crammed full of the best cards, several of which were uncommon or rare.

>Pokemon Card Elite University

Just how messed-up is this world’s society if they straight-up have universities devoted to teaching how to play card games? :copyka:

Though I’m not really feeling the first paragraph. It’s hard to articulate the specifics, but it doesn’t quite feel natural for something that someone would say about themselves and things they experienced. Consider playing around with something like this:

I’m officially a champion card duelist now. It took six months of work on TCG Island winning games against more people than I could count from the island, but I proved my worth and then some. The tidy sum that I picked up from everything didn’t hurt, either.

Went heavily out on a limb there so some of the nuance may be quite different from what you intended, but something like that. Basically, think of how you would describe things happening from the protagonist’s perspective to a third party listening, and the rest will follow fairly naturally.

For my 28th birthday this year, I was able to purchase a home in an upper class neighborhood with the money my dueling earned me! I also purchased this fancy red formal-wear suit. Of course I had to visit the barber to trim my hair, beard, and mustache! Seeing myself in the mirror, I think it all comes together quite nicely. My light skin contrasted with my brown hair, brown eyes, and my red suit. I'll need to look my best for the tutoring session with Billy, the 6 year old boy. His prestigious parents sought me out to help him with the most important part of growing up in our world: how to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game!

I believe my late grandfather would approve! He always did stress the importance of speaking well and dressing well. Of manners and outward kindness. He may not have been the TCG Champion, but at least he was able to see me attain the rank. Making him proud has always been an aspiration of mine and I don't plan on failing the expectations he had for my life!

Wait, but didn’t the narrator already realize those aspirations by becoming a card champion? It might make sense to frame it as something more open-ended such as “I’ve always strived to make him proud, and I don’t plan on failing his expectations for my life!”

Also, I’ll just get it out of the way since I have the feeling that it’ll come up quite a bit in this chapter, but make a point of applying the same rules of “word things as if you were actually describing them to a third party in person” for your narrator’s dialogue. Like I get that you’re going for a “prim and posh” vibe (which would certainly explain a few things about his mannerisms in the v1 I read), but even people from such backgrounds are a bit less stiff than this.

I do think that this is a pretty clever way of showing off how your character looks in a diary context, though.

Speaking of expectations, this is my first time writing in this diary. My grandfather had mentioned this is a family heirloom and that it is meant to be used. As it is now mine, I will carry on the tradition of writing in this diary until it is time for me to pass it to a future child or loved one. I shall keep it with me at all times! I even plan to include some pictures!

“Diary” should be lowercased in the spot you use it since it’s not a proper noun. Though wait, if this is a family heirloom, does that imply that this diary was used by others in the past? If so, are there entries from prior owners in it? It’d be a pretty clever way of incorporating blurbs about cards or mechanics if so.

(2)

April 5th
Wanting to keep a record of my tutoring, I shall spare no detail in this section!

Huh. What’s the story of the Pokémon Pinball music? Or is that one of those “just because” things that you threw in for this story?

I arrived at the Billy’s Mansion for Billy's parents and introduced myself to his parents. It seems my appearance was suitable as they made no mention of it. Good thing I always strive to look my best!

After being introduced to Billy, we relocated to the study where we began.

Some of the wording here was a bit off and I felt it would sound more natural being shuffled around. Also, I don’t know if you’re already reading your text aloud to yourself prior to publishing, but I’d strongly suggest doing so since the way the opening paragraph sounded to me was what made me realize why it read so strangely to me.

"Billy, do you know why I am here today?"

"Sure Mister! You're here to teach me Pokemon Cards!"

I nodded. "Do you know what it looks like to play the Pokemon Trading Card game?"

I didn’t realize that our protag was tutoring someone else. That’s something that probably would’ve been worth stating a bit more clearly in the beginning where the protag is talking about tutoring.

Also, given how “posh” the narrator is, I’m surprised he didn’t have any commentary at all about Billy’s house and how he felt about it.

"OH! I know! You wear duel disks on your arms and call out these monsters that are holograms and play shadow duels!"

Protag:
Creating_Bugs_Bunny%27s_%22No%22.jpg

“That’s a different franchise, kiddo.”

I shook my head, "Sorry, you must be thinking of some card game you saw on TV."

Billy looked profoundly disappointed. "Well there's still holograms in it right?!"

"There are no hologr-"

Billy leaped up from his seat and stamped his feet. "I WANT HOLOGRAMS! THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY CARDS!"

Surprised no judgement from the protag here in his diary about how he’s [gardexhausted]-ing in live-time, since I’m sure that he had all the regret right about now for taking on this job.

I had not anticipated teaching a child to be this difficult... Billy and I had to have a long chat about expectations but he eventually calmed down and understood the game was played with actual cards.

"Ok Billy, before I go over Pokemon cards, lets have a quick geography lesson!"

[ ]


"Aww do we have to?"

I waggled my finger. "Now I'll have you know that geography is important! Its hard to understand the context of our world without it!"

Billy sighed. "Okaaaaay..."

A couple typos here, and I feel like a lot of these disembodied dialogue back-and-forths would work better by getting the narrator a bit more opinionated. Since this is presented in a diary format, which is in general a recording of the writer’s thoughts and opinions about the events they’ve lived through.

I held up my finger as I closed my eyes to deliver a short speech: "Our world has 3 islands: TCG Island, where we are now; GR Island is to the east; and Neo Island, which is between the other two, but far north of them. The rest of our world is nothing but ocean."

Billy crossed his arms. "Doesn't our world seem kinda small to you?"

Well, yeah. Not that you all really have a frame of reference otherwise.

"Compared to what?"

"Like the TV show I watched with the Holograms!"

I’m snerking at how Billy is basically a proxy for the reader here.

I smiled. "Ah, Billy, worlds that big are a fantasy! Giant islands called continents are a fun concept for a story, but I'm afraid our world is not that large."

Wait, so how did those other islands get parsed anyways back in PTCG1 days? Were they always here in this setting, or did they basically just get discovered.

"Awww... I wanted continents."

Billy then made an o-shape with his mouth as he remembered something, "Hey, Mister! How did you get good enough at Pokemon Cards to come and teach me to play ‘em?"

A couple suggestions for this section. Though the better question is why the protag is doing this while loaded with cash and a champion, unless this is basically something he does as a hobby.

I grinned. "Well Billy, I won duels with all the duelists on our island at each of the eight card clubs. After defeating the members of the clubs in at least one duel, it granted me the right to duel the club masters of those clubs. After winning against all of them and then defeating the current champion in a two out of three duel match, I earned the rank of champion!"

Billy brought a hand to his mouth. "Woah! That's so COOL! Did you have to beat the grandmasters too?"

I… feel that a less “clinical” explanation on the narrator’s part likely would’ve been a bit more interesting to read, and in-setting, it likely would dovetail better with the vibe of “trying to hold the attention of an unruly child”. e.x. Something like “Well, Billy. I actually got started not unlike you. I used to not know the first thing about card games, but I started out battling duelists on our island at my local card club. As I got better, I went on to others until I’d defeated all the members and got the right to battle their club masters. [...]” or something like that.

I chuckled a bit. "I would if they were real, but you must be referring to one of our old legends. Who knows, maybe we will create a team of grandmasters one day."

Billy frowned. "Well, that sounds too easy to become a champion then!"

Some punctuation errors here, especially since the narrator’s sentence is a statement and not a question.

I looked up and to the right in thought. "You know... you might be right about that. Now that you mention it, it has been very easy for me to win games against the duelists here..."

No commentary about the narrator’s thought process here? Though was the PTCG1 game’s difficulty genuinely easy and this is some sort of meta commentary about it? Since this detail kinda feels like it undercuts how big of a deal the narrator made out of becoming a champion earlier.

"It must mean you ARE a champion though! If you beat everyone easily, that must mean you are amazing!" he said with eyes full of wonder.

Amazing? Is my skill at the game really that hard to attain? It's almost as if the other duelists are just there for kids to craft decks against and beat. They all seem to have at least a basic knowledge of the game, but their tactics are predictable and limited. They also don't seem to grasp the concept of optimizing their decks. Such a perplexing phenomenon…

Okay, yeah, I’m taking it that this is a meta commentary on PTCG1’s difficulty. I’m not fully sure how much it feels like it makes “sense” for a world, but hey, this place apparently only has 3 islands and has card gaming be something you get a degree for, so I’ll just roll with it.

Though remember that you are framing this as a journal entry. It probably makes more sense for the narrator’s prose to be written with an “after the fact” verb tense and not one that’s “presently unfolding”.

Billy poked me to bring me out of my thoughts. "Hey Mister! I'm ready to learn Pokemon Cards now! Make me the very best!"

“Mr.” is an abbreviation that’s used in conjunction with a name. As a standalone, you want “Mister” in full.

I snapped out of it and grinned. "That's the spirit! So, you know how I said the game is played with cards?"

"You mean not-holograms?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, not-holograms! That's the same thing as cards."

Someone’s insistent about living out the Yu-Gi-Oh anime experience there. Though I’m a little surprised that the narrator could remember all of this exchange to jot down in a diary entry. If you’re going to stick to your guns on the format, it probably makes sense to have a throwaway mention of the narrator being particularly good at remembering things in one of his earlier entries (which would be a handy skill to have while playing card games!)

[ ]

"What about it?"

"There is one species of Pokemon that actually lives in our world with us instead of only being in cards!"

[ ]

"OOO! What is it? What is it???"

I replied with a confident grin, "That my boy, would be Doduo."

1172605902977773568.webp


I’ll admit, that feels like a very peculiar worldbuilding choice there. Was there any particular reason why you made it such that literally only Doduo exists outside of being a character on playing cards? Since you could’ve had some fun later on with some of those card players like that one Pikachu player.

[ ]

"Oh! I know those! The turkey birds that run around!"

"That's right, the turkey birds."

Billy was jumping back and forth from one leg to the next. "Oh! What about shiny ones??"

"Sorry, this isn't Neo Island, they might have shiny ones over there since I have heard they have shiny variants of cards, but we don't get those over here."

I’m… not sure if I follow how “shiny cards” would inherently imply “they also have shiny Pokémon, too” there. I think you’re missing a step such as if you’re tying this to the TCG-centricness of the setting, making it such that they got the idea for shiny cards from the Shiny Doduo that occasionally pop up in their neighborhood.

Billy stopped hoping back and forth and sighed. "Okaaaaay... well can Doduo at least evolve then?"

"Doduo can evolve in the card game, but the Doduo in our world can't seem to evolve into Dodrio."

[ ]

"Why is that, Mister?"

[ ]

"Well, no one knows!"

Is there going to be a mid-story twist that this is all taking part in the Matrix or something? Since there’s a lot about the way that this works dynamics-wise that feels pretty artificial.

Billy looked annoyed. "Then what good is Turkey-bird!"

I noticed it in a couple places earlier this chapter, but it’s particularly noticeable here that you’re “telling” and not “showing” things. Given that you’re doing a journal format fic, if the narrator didn’t find Billy’s reaction super remarkable, it probably makes sense to focus on his reactions/thoughts about Billy getting annoyed in response.

I waggled my finger. "Turkey-bird doesn't have to evolve to be useful in the card game, its fighting resistance is powerful and it has no retreat cost!"

[ ]


"Ooo! Those sound good! Tell me more!"

"If you have a Doduo companion and are using one in a duel, your real-life Doduo will take attacks from your opponents cards!"

I call hax. And I assume that you can’t do this in the actual games.

Billy looked confused. "But how do card attacks hurt it? IS IT HOLOGRAMS?!"

I shook my head. "It is not holograms. The cards don't affect us or the world, but they do affect Doduo! Doduo can also feel its attacks upon Pokemon that would be from the cards! Its like Doduo has magic battles with Pokemon we can't see or touch!"

Billy looked up at me. [ ]

"But why does that happen, Mister?"

I shrugged. "No one knows. [ ] By the way, Doduo are common enough that all buildings are constructed to be Doduo-friendly with scratch-resistant flooring!"

I think that you’re missing a step going from “No one knows” to the topic shift about Doduo being super common in-setting.

Though if they are super common, is there a reason why we haven’t seen any of them in the journal entry earlier? It’d have been a handy way of foreshadowing the Doduo that the protagonist winds up getting stuck with later.

Billy smiled. "That's why buildings have Doduo doors! Its for the turkey-birds!"

I nodded.

Again, this feels like a detail that would’ve been more impactful actually seeing it in the world earlier as opposed to being just told that it exists here.

[ ]

"Hey, Mister. Why is everyone into the Pokemon Trading Card Game?"

I held up a finger. "Everyone important plays the Pokemon Trading Card Game. Do you know how you stop a bully from picking on you?"

Billy turned to the side in a direction away from me and threw out a punch like he was boxing against an invisible opponent. "Punch him in the nose!"

I was mortified. "Billy! No! We do not do that! You have to settle disputes with the Pokemon Trading Card Game! If a group of foreigners invaded our land, held our people hostage and stole most of our cards, the only way to stop them would be by playing the Pokemon Trading Card Game!"

I’m reminded of the Brawl in the Family comic about the Team Rocket grunt right about now, just with Trading Cards.

Billy held his head in both his hands. "But that doesn't make any sense!"

I shrugged. "Maybe once you turn 7, you will be old enough to understand. Just trust me that the way you stop bad guys or make anything important happen is with duels."

Just like in mainline Pokémon, just with pieces of paper. /s

Though I kinda wonder if you missed an opportunity for some humor from Billy complaining about “and you wouldn’t just have a Doduo peck them why?
803141280380485632.webp
” here.

As this is a diary entry, I am adding this line here to denote that the remainder of this entry pertains to mechanics of how to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game. If I do not want to read how to play it, I should simply skip to the next diary entry.

Okay, so given that the narrator himself mentions that this section is pretty skippable, I won’t really get into the nitty gritty of things. The music is a nice touch, but the section unfortunately suffers a bit of a combination of being “talking heads” and some of the narrator’s explanations being very long-winded.

I wonder if it might have made more sense to do something like a medium shift and have them be notes that the narrator was jotting down for the questions Billy was raising, and the points that he was making in reply / commentaries as a tutor. Since it then also leans into the whole angle of “Much to my embarrassment, I forgot to bring a notepad today, so I’m using my diary as a scratchpad while tutoring Billy, if you’re not new to playing cards, feel free to skip to wherever my next entry is”.

It might have also been worth considering dropping in some game screencaps if possible to help readers visualize the cards a bit more, since I know you did that with battlers’ sprites in the old version of this story (and presumably here too).

After an in depth lesson on how to play the Pokemon Trading Card Game, I could tell the boy was spent, so I bid my farewell to Billy.

On my way out, I collected my fee from his parents.

(3)

Huh. I’m surprised that the diary entry just abruptly cuts off there, since you’d think that unless the protag was super busy, he’d have more to say about what's going on in his life.

April 15th
Unfortunately, I’m now so infamous on the island that no one will duel me anymore! Due to the sudden lack of income, I had to sell my vast collection of rare and uncommon cards! I would have had plenty of excess cash had I not recently paid my mortgage off! Unfortunately, I had not seen my current predicament coming…

I… don’t think that this was foreshadowed very well in the past few entries, and might have been worth showing more of the
401074476474957834.webp
-ness of suddenly realizing there’s no more money coming in with some other entries in between.

Though given that the protag just paid off a mortgage and was flush with cash less than two weeks ago, why is he not just taking a HELOC and citing his historical earnings to qualify? Since he’s literally selling off his prime income-making tools to get by here.

I dunno, it might have felt a bit more believable if the protag got hammered with a sudden expense that needed to be urgently paid off, since that could even be used as an in-setting justification for the radio silence in his diary for the last 9 days from having to manage abrupt money stress and not having the time or mental spoons to write in his diary.

Good thing paying off a home lets it permanently belong to you! Could you imagine having something like a real estate tax but having no money to pay the tax so the government just comes and steals your entire house away just from you failing to pay a tax that was only a small fraction of the total value? What a horrible world that would be to live in!

Shots fired at real life. Even if “bought a nice house, got surprised by the property tax bill” would’ve been a handy way of cooking up a “sudden expense that desperately needs to be paid off soon” route.

Running out of money would still be a problem though as there would be no more working utilities and then there is the matter of food... I will need to find a solution to this predicament!

Did our protag just not get paid for tutoring Billy by his parents or something? Or did they drop his services? Since I’m not sure if I follow this “running out of money to the point of not being able to pay utilities and food”. Unless the idea was that the protag hoped he’d have other kids beyond Billy to tutor, but wasn’t able to find any, which if so, isn’t really communicated.

May 1st
After pondering things for a while, I came up with a plan: from now on, I will only use common cards in my decks! No one will refuse to duel me if they know I am using all common cards! It was starting to get boring winning with fully powered decks anyway... This challenge should prove most stimulating!

I kinda feel like this journal entry should be quite a bit longer, especially since you’d think that the protag is under quite a bit of money stress and it’d be worth getting a bit more insight into what’s going on in his mind. For instance, if he’s weighing between options for decks (e.x. did the thought of making a Haymaker deck cross his mind at all?). Feels like a bit of a missed opportunity to get in some meta here.

May 2nd
I have constructed my very first all-common deck! The list is as follows:

FlashFire!

4 Voltorb Lv8
3 Ponyta Lv8
3 Dark Rapidash Lv24
3 Porygon Lv20
2 Doduo Lv10

4 Energy Removal
4 Energy Search
4 Pokemon Trader
4 Bill
4 Bill's Teleporter
3 Gambler
3 Gust of Wind
3 Switch
2 Nightly Garbage Run

7 Fire Energy
7 Lightning Energy

Huh, I wonder if all these cards are also in PTCG2. Though is this deck called “FlashFire” in-setting by others as well? Or is it a name our protag is coming up with himself? Either way, it likely makes sense to elaborate on his thought process since the term likely will not mean anything to a lot of readers otherwise.

With this, I should be able to avoid being too weak to any one thing and I can dish out large amounts of damage with Voltorb! I can even boost damage further with Porygon!

Unfortunately, when constructing an all-common card deck, the best ways to achieve drawing more cards is to use 'Gambler' and 'Bill's Teleporter'. Both cards require a coin-flip to be successful.

They also happen to be the only cards tied to Bill Incorporated. Bill owns a Teleporter that is responsible for the activation of the card. Gambler is also tied to the gambling wing of Bill Inc at the local establishment. For gambling a coin-flip is understandable, but a monthly subscription for automatic heads from the teleporter is completely uncalled for! (I signed up for it anyway because I need my card-draw!)

I feel like it probably would’ve made sense to give a more in-depth explanation as to why this is such a good set with basic cards, whether in the narrator’s voice or through some sort of setup like the tutorial with Billy earlier.

May 3rd
I intend to take things slow, at least for now. As such, I plan to visit the various clubs and duel all their club members. If I can handle them, I will attempt to defeat the club masters as well!

This feels like another journal entry that is too short. Like I assume that the protag has quite a bit going on in his mind at the moment here, so it’s a bit of a shame that we don’t see it more.

Apparently it is possible that actual Pokemon roam the islands in the games but you never see any. I took this concept and applied it only to Doduo for the story.

Huh, I did not realize that. I still wonder what the meta was for making things exclusive to Doduo, though, since it does feel like you’re locking yourself out of some potentially funny gags involving Doduo bouncing off other Pokémon given that he was kind of a goof in the original version of this story.

FlashFire! uses Porygon to switch weaknesses of opponents Pokemon to increase damage done by Voltorb and Dark Rapidash. Porygon can then retreat on the following turn with its 0 retreat cost without paying energy to swap in the Pokemon the opponents Pokemon is now weak to. AI in game cannot perceive the threat of weakness being switched with Porygon, so your ability to retreat to attack the new weakness is not something the AI opponent will try to prevent by retreating their active Pokemon which would clear the effect of Porygon's Conversion attack. This makes Porygon great vs AI but not nearly as much vs human opponents. Doduo has fighting resistance which allows it to defeat a variety of opponents of that type. Porygon also has Psychic resistance. Lightning resistance would greatly diminish the value of Voltorb, but Porygon can make it so that a ground type like Diglet changes its weakness to lightning. Resistance applies after weakness, which allows Voltorb to defeat things that resist it.

This feels like something that would’ve been better worked into the May 2nd entry, as mentioned earlier. Whether directly into the entry, or else as an aside similar to the tutorial section.

The gameboy color games can save the game, but it calls the ability to do that the "diary". Thus when you save the game the game indicates that "Insert Protagonist Name" wrote in the diary.



Only the Prologue is written in a short diary format. All the remaining chapters will have much more details.

Huh, that’s a neat tie-in to how the games worked. At first I thought you were saying that none of the following chapters would be written in journal format and I was going to say that that was a shame, but a quick peekahead indicates they’re still in some form of it?

If so, I think that it’s a handy differentiator from your v1, since one of the bigger issues from the first chapter onwards was the lack of ways to get a firm gauge of how much time is passing.

What you have here is a bit more put-together than what I read of your v1 to this story. The journal format is a pretty standout framing choice, and I was delightfully surprised to hear that it’s actually a reference to how saving worked in the PTCG Game Boy games. Once again, I like the unique premise, and the explanations you worked in about how things worked were handy. Like you had a very niche fanfic here, and for the most part, you did a decent job at providing enough details for readers not to get lost in it. You also seemed to have a lot of fun with the absurdist humor in this chapter, since I’ll admit that I snerked at a couple points of the sequence where Billy was getting tutored.

I won’t go too far into criticisms since I ultimately haven’t read all that much of your v2 of this story yet, and I feel that it’s probably best to reserve judgement until I see a fuller sample of it. But from what I did see, I noticed three primary areas for further improvement:

The first is that you had some typos scattered about in this chapter, which while that would be fair game in a journal, has the meta issue of being distracting and also not quite fitting for someone of a more “posh” background like your protagonist. The second issue that I saw was that there were a few parts where it didn’t quite feel like you were fully leveraging the diary format. Some of it is from entries that feel like they’re light on content, and others from the wording feeling a bit "stiff" for a diary entry, but a bigger issue is that there were multiple points where it didn’t feel like we got as firm of a glimpse into the protagonist’s head as we should’ve when diaries are inherently vehicles for people to record their experiences and feelings with. The disembodied dialogue between him and Billy and the abrupt reveal that the protag has money problems are both things that felt like they could’ve been much improved simply by getting into the protag’s head and letting him ramble with his thoughts a bit in his journal to both get more insight into how he's feeling and get glimpses of larger events happening in the world. Lastly, I kinda was taken things out a bit by how the worldbuilding for this story felt kinda arbitrary. Like I get that it’s ultimately a comedic story, but stories ultimately need to have some level of internal logic, while a number of things about how this story’s setting worked almost literally worked on a logic of “because it just does”. Perhaps it’s just an artifact of how I can sometimes get a bit nuts about worldbuilding when telling stories, but it felt a little jarring to read while going through the Prologue.

Fortunately, most of the above all seemed like issues that were ultimately resolvable with additive editing, and even if I felt that there was room for further improvement, what I saw from this opening was a pretty noticeable step up from the old version of your story. Thanks for your patience with Review Tag, @133TFR33k , and I hope that this review was helpful and a bit more enjoyable to read for you this time around.
 

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Location
Somewhere beyond the Nexus
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. doduo
Reply To Intro & Prologue Review

Heya, swinging by to pick off the Review Tag from here onsite since things have been jammed for long enough. Your request asked for the Intro and Prologue, and since I didn’t quite read those in the v1 of this story, I figured it was as good a time as any to correct that:
Oh wow! Hey Spiteful! Thanks for dropping in!

So much content to dive into! :veelove:

Introduction
I’m still impressed that you wound up spinning a yarn out of such a niche spinoff in the franchise, since to this day, I don’t think that I’ve seen anyone attempt a PTCG game fic, much less one for the game that is stuck in Unlocalization Hell.
And yet, being original with it was entirely accidental. I had no knowledge of how many or how little fics were made for it when I started writing it. Not that I knew I was writing a fanfic at first... :mewlulz:

Wait, wait, wait. Only island from the original game “as it appears in the second game”? Meaning that PTCG2 pulled a G/S on the original game’s setting?
Yep! :veelove:

Huh, well. I see that G/S wasn’t the only Pokémon game to go the “new region builds off the old one” route, even if it’s a bit curious that the devs opted to also start in the old region for the story.
I suppose it is somewhat odd. To be fair, the duels near the start of the game on the first island don't take that long. You aren't dueling everyone on TCG Island before completing the GR coin to go allow you to fly to GR Island where the majority of the story happens. Later you can fly back to TCG Island and play more duels there against more opponents and some of them even get new decks!

And no doofy bicephallic birds, I’m sure. Since that’s something that I definitely never heard about being a thing in the PTCG games.
Very true. That part was entirely original by me. Quite randomly too!

Huh. I wonder what that does for the difficulty of the playthrough if you attempt that. Is it a common challenge among players of the PTCG games?
Oh it DEFINITELY makes things interesting. I can tell you that much for sure! Some opponents are hideously strong to play against with it too!

As for challenges, I'm not sure what common challenges would be for most folks. I decided it on a whim after I explored a giant topic of non-rare decks. There were several that performed extremely well against the AI opponents in the game. That is what gave me the idea to try creating an all-common deck to see if it could beat all the opponents in the game.

I’m a little surprised that you’re not just putting the link directly on the word where the music is intended to start up in the story, but duly noted. I still think that this is a clever tie-in for your story here.
I didn't want it to appear too hidden. I wanted it to stand out just enough so people wouldn't overlook it without it being overbearing. Hence why I used numbers instead of fully typed out links or something. The numbers also help to navigate through the fic.

You are almost the only one to have any meaningful comment on the soundtrack. Thank you again for that! I'm glad it seems like a neat idea!

Oh, so this is straight-up a novelized Let’s Play. It’ll be interesting to see how much you fleshed out the card battles this time around, since in your original version, they were heavily glossed over.
Yes. Everything in the fic (just about) revolves around what I did playing duels against all the opponents myself in the game.

Fair warning, not all card battles are very fleshed out. Some were too boring to go into that level of depth, but there are some duels that go very in-depth. In particular, Chapter 10 has a few duels that I have been hearing good things about from other readers.

And looked over your changelog for the story. I don’t have much to comment on it other than that the format of this review might be a bit different from the one you got last time in order to try and accommodate your requested feedback parameters.
Thanks! I honestly didn't know WHAT I wanted from reviews prior to your previous review. That really helped me figure things out a bit.

Prologue

Well that’s a big change there. I suppose that I should take that as a sign that this is going to be a significantly decompressed version of events relative to your v1. Which given that I was one of those souls that didn’t read the original prologue, will definitely be keeping this a novel experience for me.
Honestly, I'm glad you didn't read the original prologue. It was embarrassingly bad compared to the rest of the fic. I guess I would even call it cringe. I do think it might be fun for you to read the original prologue to compare with Book One later if/when you finish Book One though! That would really make it evident just how much the idea of Book One helped the fic as a whole!

Oh, that format’s definitely new. Though I can already tell that it’ll help considerably for gauging how much time is going on in between events in this story.
Book One follows the dates because the original Prologue had dates. Book Two does not have dates. I wasn't sure if I wanted travel time in Book Two to take days or if it's all implied to be the same day. (my head-cannon is that all of the first foray on GR Island in Book Two took place in 1 day)

>Pokemon Card Elite University

Just how messed-up is this world’s society if they straight-up have universities devoted to teaching how to play card games? :copyka:
It's a society that revolves around playing the Pokemon TCG. What could be better to learn than that? :mewlulz:

Though I’m not really feeling the first paragraph. It’s hard to articulate the specifics, but it doesn’t quite feel natural for something that someone would say about themselves and things they experienced. Consider playing around with something like this:

Went heavily out on a limb there so some of the nuance may be quite different from what you intended, but something like that. Basically, think of how you would describe things happening from the protagonist’s perspective to a third party listening, and the rest will follow fairly naturally.
So, I read over the opening paragraph, and I agree. It really wasn't a particularly potent way to open the fic. So, I used your paragraph example as a template and built a new paragraph from that. I think the result is better than

Wait, but didn’t the narrator already realize those aspirations by becoming a card champion? It might make sense to frame it as something more open-ended such as “I’ve always strived to make him proud, and I don’t plan on failing his expectations for my life!”
This cuts down on words and works just as well. I like it! Implemented!

Also, I’ll just get it out of the way since I have the feeling that it’ll come up quite a bit in this chapter, but make a point of applying the same rules of “word things as if you were actually describing them to a third party in person” for your narrator’s dialogue. Like I get that you’re going for a “prim and posh” vibe (which would certainly explain a few things about his mannerisms in the v1 I read), but even people from such backgrounds are a bit less stiff than this.
I'll have to take a look at things. I'm not sure how good I would be at detecting these types of issues, but I can try to follow the advice you are giving.

I do think that this is a pretty clever way of showing off how your character looks in a diary context, though.
Thanks!

“Diary” should be lowercased in the spot you use it since it’s not a proper noun.
Yeah. Good catch. Fixed. Thanks!

Though wait, if this is a family heirloom, does that imply that this diary was used by others in the past?
...Indeed it does! I'm shocked that I hadn't thought to reference any entries from a previous owner! Wow... the implications!

If so, are there entries from prior owners in it? It’d be a pretty clever way of incorporating blurbs about cards or mechanics if so.
Maybe so! I'll have to give some thought to it. I definitely like the idea of referring to old entries in it.

Very clever idea there, Spiteful. Thanks for sharing!

Huh. What’s the story of the Pokémon Pinball music? Or is that one of those “just because” things that you threw in for this story?
I guess I should probably add this bit to the intro:

For the soundtrack, I follow this basic logic/flowchart:
Can a track from the game be used to fit the scene? If no, go to the next question.

Can a remix of a track from the game be used or can a retro track from anther Pokemon game be used? If no, next question.

Can a chiptune track be used from another game or chiptunes artist? If no, next question.

Can a track without lyrics from another game series be used? If no, next qeustion.

Can a track with lyrics from another game series be used?

In this way, I look to keep the feel of Pokemon and the retro vibe, but I give myself flexibility for high-stakes or emotional scenes. In general, I think I try to follow a similar path as Undertale did for its soundtrack.

Suggestions for tracks are welcome.

Some of the wording here was a bit off and I felt it would sound more natural being shuffled around. Also, I don’t know if you’re already reading your text aloud to yourself prior to publishing, but I’d strongly suggest doing so since the way the opening paragraph sounded to me was what made me realize why it read so strangely to me.
Thanks! I implemented the changes you suggested. It DOES work better than what I had before.

I have never read anything out loud so far with what I have written.

You are saying that as part of your review you read everything out loud? If that is the case, you go even more in-depth with your reviews than I realized! Color me impressed.

Reading it out loud might be the next step towards improving my overall writing process. I appreciate the input! I'll look at doing that with new chapters I start writing. If it seems to work, I'll probably go back through all my written chapters and start looking for things to brush up with edits.

I didn’t realize that our protag was tutoring someone else. That’s something that probably would’ve been worth stating a bit more clearly in the beginning where the protag is talking about tutoring.
I'm not sure what you mean here. It looks like I have it laid out pretty clearly in the 3rd paragraph from what I can see. Did you miss that part?

Also, given how “posh” the narrator is, I’m surprised he didn’t have any commentary at all about Billy’s house and how he felt about it.
Thank you for making this observation!! This has sparked an idea. I am now adding the following right after the bit about the mansion!

"As for the mansion, it reminded me vaguely of the house I grew up in with my grandfather before he sold it to obtain the funds to send me to the private university...

The instructor, Dr. Wem, had the most amazing insight into the game I had ever seen. She regarded me as her very best student; someone able to play the Pokemon TCG on her level. Part of my lessons included playing the TCG against her. It took me a long time, but once I finally started winning games against her, everything started to click. Despite the wins, I always felt she was holding back against me somehow...

I once asked her why she didn't try to become the champion. Her answer: She didn't like all the attention and found it tedious. Sure, that may be true, but I don't think I've ever met another person who shared her view on it...

Shortly after my graduation, I heard she moved to Neo Island. I'm not sure how she managed it with how strict they are on travel, but I supposed she had connections.

But enough about ancient history!"

Protag:
Creating_Bugs_Bunny%27s_%22No%22.jpg

“That’s a different franchise, kiddo.”
Yep! :mewlulz:

Surprised no judgement from the protag here in his diary about how he’s [gardexhausted]-ing in live-time, since I’m sure that he had all the regret right about now for taking on this job.
Alright, I switched it around a bit. Curious if it looks better to you now.

A couple typos here, and I feel like a lot of these disembodied dialogue back-and-forths would work better by getting the narrator a bit more opinionated. Since this is presented in a diary format, which is in general a recording of the writer’s thoughts and opinions about the events they’ve lived through.
You are absolutely right here! By doing so, I found I could inject some additional humor into the tutoring session too! Maybe check out the additions and let me know what you think? (If you are willing. If not, I want you to know this review has been great, regardless!)

Well, yeah. Not that you all really have a frame of reference otherwise.

I’m snerking at how Billy is basically a proxy for the reader here.
That was the whole idea with it. I kept getting questions about the same sorts of things in my reviews so I decided to imbue Billy with the voice of the readers. :mewlulz:

Wait, so how did those other islands get parsed anyways back in PTCG1 days? Were they always here in this setting, or did they basically just get discovered.
Well, the original game never specified if there were any other islands, nor did it say there weren't any. The 2nd game added another island. Neo Island is based off of a romhack for the original game that replaces all the cards with cards from the 2nd generation. I decided it would be a cool idea for a 3rd Island, so I added it.

A couple suggestions for this section. Though the better question is why the protag is doing this while loaded with cash and a champion, unless this is basically something he does as a hobby.
Obviously it would make sense to tutor after no one would duel him, but this IS before that.

You're right! There should be an explicit reason!

I went back and added that he thought it would be fun since he was getting bored of winning duels with his unrestricted deck he wielded to become champion.

I… feel that a less “clinical” explanation on the narrator’s part likely would’ve been a bit more interesting to read, and in-setting, it likely would dovetail better with the vibe of “trying to hold the attention of an unruly child”. e.x. Something like “Well, Billy. I actually got started not unlike you. I used to not know the first thing about card games, but I started out battling duelists on our island at my local card club. As I got better, I went on to others until I’d defeated all the members and got the right to battle their club masters. [...]” or something like that.
Thanks for pointing this out! I used what you wrote as a template and greatly expanded upon it while injecting some more humor at the protagonist's expense!

Some punctuation errors here, especially since the narrator’s sentence is a statement and not a question.
After looking at it, I think I agree. It works better as a statement. Thanks!

No commentary about the narrator’s thought process here? Though was the PTCG1 game’s difficulty genuinely easy and this is some sort of meta commentary about it? Since this detail kinda feels like it undercuts how big of a deal the narrator made out of becoming a champion earlier.
It is kind of meta. Yes.

A let's play with a powerful deck wielded by a skilled player would steamroll the entire game with minimal or maybe even NO losses.

His skill is still a big deal in the world regardless.

Okay, yeah, I’m taking it that this is a meta commentary on PTCG1’s difficulty. I’m not fully sure how much it feels like it makes “sense” for a world, but hey, this place apparently only has 3 islands and has card gaming be something you get a degree for, so I’ll just roll with it.
Yep, it's a thing to just roll with. Not everything about this world will make 100% sense. That's because not everything in the games made sense. I often try to explain rather than contradict the source material, but sometimes I add my own content in too.

Though remember that you are framing this as a journal entry. It probably makes more sense for the narrator’s prose to be written with an “after the fact” verb tense and not one that’s “presently unfolding”.
Oh no! You caught me on one of my tense slipping tirades! (I'm REALLY bad with those, I've learned) Thanks! I went and got it cleaned up!

“Mr.” is an abbreviation that’s used in conjunction with a name. As a standalone, you want “Mister” in full.
Absolutely. I used to get that wrong on a regular basis. I've been trying to clean it up for that, but they still slip through. Fixed. Thanks!

Someone’s insistent about living out the Yu-Gi-Oh anime experience there. Though I’m a little surprised that the narrator could remember all of this exchange to jot down in a diary entry. If you’re going to stick to your guns on the format, it probably makes sense to have a throwaway mention of the narrator being particularly good at remembering things in one of his earlier entries (which would be a handy skill to have while playing card games!)
Great idea! Implemented!

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I’ll admit, that feels like a very peculiar worldbuilding choice there. Was there any particular reason why you made it such that literally only Doduo exists outside of being a character on playing cards? Since you could’ve had some fun later on with some of those card players like that one Pikachu player.
Well, yeah.

The all-common deck used has several Pokemon in it. Ponyta can evolve into Dark Rapidash. Voltorb can power up its damage a ton. Porygon can switch weaknesses and use it's free retreat cost to switch to something to attack for massive damage. Porygon also has psychic resistance.

For the last mon, I needed something with free retreat, decent HP, and fighting resistance.

Enter Doduo.

It has a poor attack that does 10 damage for every successful coin-flip but it only allows two coins to be flipped, so on average it does only 10 damage. So most of the way I would use it is as a tank. In a sense, that's how it WANTED to be used. I also couldn't evolve it because Dodrio was uncommon. So, all I had was Doduo. It was ridiculous, so I was cracking jokes about it as I played it. Eventually it morphed into an actual mon the further into what would become my fanfic I got and well... there you go!

But yes, it absolutely must be Doduo at this point for those reasons lol.

I’m… not sure if I follow how “shiny cards” would inherently imply “they also have shiny Pokémon, too” there.
Why? The cards are of pokemon. If there are shiny varients of pokemon in the cards and there are Doduo in the real world, then there could theoretically be shiny Doduo.

I think you’re missing a step such as if you’re tying this to the TCG-centricness of the setting, making it such that they got the idea for shiny cards from the Shiny Doduo that occasionally pop up in their neighborhood.
Ah, something you will learn much later is that their world had Pokemon cards BEFORE it had Doduo. As such, I'm ok with this bit, but I appreciate the inquisition!

Is there going to be a mid-story twist that this is all taking part in the Matrix or something? Since there’s a lot about the way that this works dynamics-wise that feels pretty artificial.
The way you think is a beautiful thing, Spiteful... 😁

I noticed it in a couple places earlier this chapter, but it’s particularly noticeable here that you’re “telling” and not “showing” things. Given that you’re doing a journal format fic, if the narrator didn’t find Billy’s reaction super remarkable, it probably makes sense to focus on his reactions/thoughts about Billy getting annoyed in response.
Ah, good point. Trying to show and not tell is one of the things I haven't fully mastered yet. I've fixed this one. Thanks!

I call hax. And I assume that you can’t do this in the actual games.
Oh but you CAN! :veelove:

I think that you’re missing a step going from “No one knows” to the topic shift about Doduo being super common in-setting.
Ah, yes this bit could use a bit of reinforcement. I worked on it a bit. I think it works now.

Though if they are super common, is there a reason why we haven’t seen any of them in the journal entry earlier? It’d have been a handy way of foreshadowing the Doduo that the protagonist winds up getting stuck with later.
There is a reason for that which will be in one of the first few chapters. Good eye!

Again, this feels like a detail that would’ve been more impactful actually seeing it in the world earlier as opposed to being just told that it exists here.
Well, you will see it in the world later, at least.

I’m reminded of the Brawl in the Family comic about the Team Rocket grunt right about now, just with Trading Cards.
Aw, sounds funny! I don't get the reference though... :sadbees:

Just like in mainline Pokémon, just with pieces of paper. /s
:mewlulz:

Though I kinda wonder if you missed an opportunity for some humor from Billy complaining about “and you wouldn’t just have a Doduo peck them why?
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” here.
Oh, I like that! I went ahead and added a bit for that a little further back. It was also a great way for me to state that Doduo tend to be gentle with people (but not with each other)

Okay, so given that the narrator himself mentions that this section is pretty skippable, I won’t really get into the nitty gritty of things. The music is a nice touch, but the section unfortunately suffers a bit of a combination of being “talking heads” and some of the narrator’s explanations being very long-winded.

I wonder if it might have made more sense to do something like a medium shift and have them be notes that the narrator was jotting down for the questions Billy was raising, and the points that he was making in reply / commentaries as a tutor. Since it then also leans into the whole angle of “Much to my embarrassment, I forgot to bring a notepad today, so I’m using my diary as a scratchpad while tutoring Billy, if you’re not new to playing cards, feel free to skip to wherever my next entry is”.

It might have also been worth considering dropping in some game screencaps if possible to help readers visualize the cards a bit more, since I know you did that with battlers’ sprites in the old version of this story (and presumably here too).
There probably are some ways I could spruce this section up a bit. I kind of left it to languish behind the spoiler tag lol...

I'm sure it's the weakest part of the entire fic.

Regarding cards to visualize though, there ARE pictures of cards further down, so maybe that helps a little?

I might eventually come back to this part to try to enhance it, but it's pretty low priority for me at the moment. Thanks for the advice on it though! I'll keep that in mind if/when I look to enhance it.

Huh. I’m surprised that the diary entry just abruptly cuts off there, since you’d think that unless the protag was super busy, he’d have more to say about what's going on in his life.
I'm mostly ok with it being abrupt, but I did add an extra bit at the end about him no longer wanting to do side-gigs to make money and instead to play duels! (The next entry immediately describes how now one will play him anymore)

I… don’t think that this was foreshadowed very well in the past few entries, and might have been worth showing more of the
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-ness of suddenly realizing there’s no more money coming in with some other entries in between.

Though given that the protag just paid off a mortgage and was flush with cash less than two weeks ago, why is he not just taking a HELOC and citing his historical earnings to qualify? Since he’s literally selling off his prime income-making tools to get by here.

I dunno, it might have felt a bit more believable if the protag got hammered with a sudden expense that needed to be urgently paid off, since that could even be used as an in-setting justification for the radio silence in his diary for the last 9 days from having to manage abrupt money stress and not having the time or mental spoons to write in his diary.
Ok I gave him a credit card bill. I don't know if it does enough on it's own, but it's something, at least. I also changed the wording a bit to explain he had been busy searching for duelists with less time for writing.

Shots fired at real life. Even if “bought a nice house, got surprised by the property tax bill” would’ve been a handy way of cooking up a “sudden expense that desperately needs to be paid off soon” route.
Yeah, I guess it could provide a reason. Who knows, maybe I'll end up taking this part out later.

Did our protag just not get paid for tutoring Billy by his parents or something? Or did they drop his services? Since I’m not sure if I follow this “running out of money to the point of not being able to pay utilities and food”. Unless the idea was that the protag hoped he’d have other kids beyond Billy to tutor, but wasn’t able to find any, which if so, isn’t really communicated.
With the updates, to the Billy section, the protagonist decided he doesn't prefer tutoring and isn't planning to do any more. I also put in that the tutoring was only for a single session. I also put that the money from it wasn't as good as dueling.

Thanks!

I kinda feel like this journal entry should be quite a bit longer, especially since you’d think that the protag is under quite a bit of money stress and it’d be worth getting a bit more insight into what’s going on in his mind. For instance, if he’s weighing between options for decks (e.x. did the thought of making a Haymaker deck cross his mind at all?). Feels like a bit of a missed opportunity to get in some meta here.
Haymaker uses rares and uncommons. I don't think its an archetype that works for an all-common deck. The best haymaker cards are as follows:

Wigglytuff: Rare
Scyther: Rare
Electabuzz: Rare
Mewtwo: Promo (even rarer rare)
Hitmonchan: Rare

Good point about it being short. I added a line explaining that he was going to be hard at work planning his new deck. That ties it up nicely!

Huh, I wonder if all these cards are also in PTCG2. Though is this deck called “FlashFire” in-setting by others as well? Or is it a name our protag is coming up with himself? Either way, it likely makes sense to elaborate on his thought process since the term likely will not mean anything to a lot of readers otherwise.
All these cards are in the PTCG2 game. All cards in the fic are cards you can obtain in the game.

Yes, it is the name of the deck. In the game you always name your decks and the decks used by the AI all have names too. I added a bit more to it to make it more clear.

I feel like it probably would’ve made sense to give a more in-depth explanation as to why this is such a good set with basic cards, whether in the narrator’s voice or through some sort of setup like the tutorial with Billy earlier.
I gave a general description of how the deck runs. Trying to go in depth would require far more details. I'm not sure the bulk of readers would appreciate it, especially so early on. The duels as the chapters go tend to showcase how the deck works. Kind of a show, not tell thing. You might be right, but I'm not sure, so I'm going to leave it in this case.

This feels like another journal entry that is too short. Like I assume that the protag has quite a bit going on in his mind at the moment here, so it’s a bit of a shame that we don’t see it more.
I extended it a bit more. It wasn't much, but I think it helps.

Huh, I did not realize that. I still wonder what the meta was for making things exclusive to Doduo, though, since it does feel like you’re locking yourself out of some potentially funny gags involving Doduo bouncing off other Pokémon given that he was kind of a goof in the original version of this story.
That's part of what makes the story so unique though! Nothing but Doduo!

And Doduo will absolutely continue to be a goof. :mewlulz:

This feels like something that would’ve been better worked into the May 2nd entry, as mentioned earlier. Whether directly into the entry, or else as an aside similar to the tutorial section.
You know what? Fine. I've changed it around a bit and added it to the May 2nd diary. Now watch the very next person who reviews complain about it... :unquag:

Huh, that’s a neat tie-in to how the games worked.
I try to have as many call outs to the games as possible. Thanks!

At first I thought you were saying that none of the following chapters would be written in journal format and I was going to say that that was a shame, but a quick peekahead indicates they’re still in some form of it?
I went back and clarified this note a bit. I think that should solve any confusion.

If so, I think that it’s a handy differentiator from your v1, since one of the bigger issues from the first chapter onwards was the lack of ways to get a firm gauge of how much time is passing.
Yeah, I MIGHT try to add dates to Book Two when I get to the point where I can start editing it for the re-post. My current headcannon is that the first foray is all within one day. If so, I should probably indicate different times of the day. I didn't want it to be too unbelievable that the protagonist wasn't starving. I probably should try clarify things though.

What you have here is a bit more put-together than what I read of your v1 to this story. The journal format is a pretty standout framing choice, and I was delightfully surprised to hear that it’s actually a reference to how saving worked in the PTCG Game Boy games.
I've learned that the power of context is powerful indeed. Trying to start folks on chapter one of the original instead of the prologue of the original was a mistake, but everything I'm doing here, both with the new prologue and the remainder of Book One, will be fixing things immensely.

Once again, I like the unique premise, and the explanations you worked in about how things worked were handy. Like you had a very niche fanfic here, and for the most part, you did a decent job at providing enough details for readers not to get lost in it.
That's good to hear. Also, your advice has allowed me to add some considerable quality to the new prologue here! I hope you would be willing to give it a quick read and provide some general thoughts, but if not, I am already very happy with this review.

You also seemed to have a lot of fun with the absurdist humor in this chapter, since I’ll admit that I snerked at a couple points of the sequence where Billy was getting tutored.
Yes, I certainly was. The fic doesn't always keep the same tone, but I think providing some contrast does the story good.

I won’t go too far into criticisms since I ultimately haven’t read all that much of your v2 of this story yet, and I feel that it’s probably best to reserve judgement until I see a fuller sample of it. But from what I did see, I noticed three primary areas for further improvement:
Alright, lets see then.

The first is that you had some typos scattered about in this chapter, which while that would be fair game in a journal, has the meta issue of being distracting and also not quite fitting for someone of a more “posh” background like your protagonist.
I agree. I don't like tolerating typos in any area of the fic. I fix them whenever I find them or they are brought to my attention.

The second issue that I saw was that there were a few parts where it didn’t quite feel like you were fully leveraging the diary format.
And you have explained what you meant by that too. I hope my edits have fixed it, but I can only guess if you aren't around to take a 2nd peek at things.

Some of it is from entries that feel like they’re light on content, and others from the wording feeling a bit "stiff" for a diary entry, but a bigger issue is that there were multiple points where it didn’t feel like we got as firm of a glimpse into the protagonist’s head as we should’ve when diaries are inherently vehicles for people to record their experiences and feelings with.
This is fair, but I think you will find that future chapters will delve far more into this than what you see here. Also, with the additions I added, this might already be looking far better. Curious what you might think of it now.

The disembodied dialogue between him and Billy and the abrupt reveal that the protag has money problems are both things that felt like they could’ve been much improved simply by getting into the protag’s head and letting him ramble with his thoughts a bit in his journal to both get more insight into how he's feeling and get glimpses of larger events happening in the world.
With my edits, I might not have done enough with the money problems, but I'm not sure. I think the floating head part might be better though? Unless you are talking about the learning to play part. I won't try to defend that section. It's weak, but I'm ok with it being weak for now.

Lastly, I kinda was taken things out a bit by how the worldbuilding for this story felt kinda arbitrary. Like I get that it’s ultimately a comedic story, but stories ultimately need to have some level of internal logic, while a number of things about how this story’s setting worked almost literally worked on a logic of “because it just does”. Perhaps it’s just an artifact of how I can sometimes get a bit nuts about worldbuilding when telling stories, but it felt a little jarring to read while going through the Prologue.
This mostly comes from it being based on the world in the games. I don't think there is a good way I can get around this. I did try to help things make more sense with various explanations, but some things will unfortunately feel somewhat forced. It's just something I've learned to accept and try to work around.

Had I built this world completely from scratch, I probably would have gone about it differently.

I can say that not only do I work with it and around it, but I tie things into the plot with it as well. Much of the uniqueness of the story and world comes from how it was written. I'm hoping your opinion on this might ease up the further into the fic you get, but I understand where you are coming from.

Fortunately, most of the above all seemed like issues that were ultimately resolvable with additive editing, and even if I felt that there was room for further improvement, what I saw from this opening was a pretty noticeable step up from the old version of your story. Thanks for your patience with Review Tag, @133TFR33k , and I hope that this review was helpful and a bit more enjoyable to read for you this time around.
So, first, let me say thank you. Seriously!

Now, I'll explain.

This review felt WORLDS different to read than your previous one. I mean that in nothing but the best ways possible. You had concrete examples of things, there was no judgement of context that was provided in a previous chapter but missing in this one, and I felt like you had more positive things to say in general. Even so, you still found several ways to point things out to fix or improve upon which I have directly implemented. If this prologue had a version number assigned to it, your review alone would have resulted in it being the next version number.

Honestly, this was what I was hoping for on the first review. You have the ability to deliver reviews that dive into the essence of things in more ways than I see any other author do.

I think if you do another review for me, you will find Chapter One of Book One to be a vastly improved experience over Chapter One of Book Two without prologue context which is unfortunately what the first review experience with the fic was for you. Chapter One of Book Two I don't think is a bad chapter, but without the context of the original prologue, it just doesn't work very well.

To get back to that point in the story, you would need to get through all of Book One. Only at that point would you return to Book Two Chapter One on GR Island. If/when you do, it will be an enhanced and reposted version.

I hope I'll see you pop in again for another review. This prologue was likely going to be the weakest chapter in my entire fic, but these enhancements should make for a much better read for new readers and hopefully get more to stick around!

Thanks again, Spiteful Murkrow!
 
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FlareTheBlitz

Glitch Doctor PhD
Location
Writers Block Inc.
Pronouns
He/Him
:quag:Hey @133TFR33k! I know that this is long overdue, but I'm finally popping in to give you a review!

As per your request, I will be reviewing your Introduction Page and the Prologue. For your convenience, I have separated them into separate tabs. Here we go!

Introduction

The Pokemon Trading Card game for Gameboy color:

View attachment 19662
I'll be honest, this game is one of those Pokémon spinoffs that I completely forgot existed. So seeing a fic about it is really cool to see!

Minor thing, The "C" in Gameboy Color should be uppercase (it doesn't affect the ability to read it or anything, just something to mention).
A classic game with a sequel as well!

Sadly, the sequel never had an official release outside of Japan.

Eventually, a fan-made English translation surfaced and now it is possible to experience the game even if one does not read Japanese! The game had a host of new cards and characters beyond the original game making it the best way to experience the card game in its original form.
How come all of the coolest games are only released in Japan? :screm:

It is really cool that this game was popular enough to get a fan translation though. It proves how dedicated Pokémon fans can be.
The story was very simple: in the first game, which takes place on TCG Island, you compete with your rival, Ronald, to gather the eight master medals from various clubs like the water or fire clubs, and then compete against the grand-masters to earn their legendary Pokemon cards: Dragonite, Zapdos, Moltres, and Articuno.
So it's basically like fighting the eight gym leaders and then the Elite Four, huh? I was kinda expecting a fully unique storyline, but oh well. It was the Gameboy Color, after all. They weren't gonna be able to fit something like Final Fantasy VII in there.
As an optional enhancement for the story, each number in parentheses is a clickable link to music on youtube, soundcloud, or bandcamp which functions as a soundtrack for the story. Each track is intended to be played or repeated until you reach the next point in the story where a link for another track is included.
While this seems like a super simple thing to do, it really adds to the reading experience. I'm sorta surprised other fics have started doing this. It makes reading it a lot more enjoyable.

Perhaps graduating with highest honors from Pokemon Card Elite University gave me an edge?
*Duel Academy from Yu-Gi-Oh! GX intensifies*
My unrestricted deck, 'Mystic Fire' was a force to behold indeed! It was crammed full of the best cards, several of which were uncommon or rare.
The TCG need in me appreciates the attention to detail here. I like how Mystic Fire is a real deck profile, and that you mention "Staple Cards," cards that every good deck typically plays.

However, I do kind of wish that you had explained more about the Mystic Fire deck. Because if you just read the story and didn't look it up, the reader wouldn't know anything about the deck other than its name. What type of Pokémon does the deck use, what's the Deck's ace? Stuff like that. Even if it was a two sentence blurb, it would make the reader understand WHY the deck was so powerful and WHY the protagonist won with that deck.
I've always strived to make him proud and I don't plan on failing the expectations he had for my life!
This is a really sweet form of motivation for the protagonist, explaining why he strived to become the TCG Champion.
My grandfather had mentioned this is a family heirloom and that it is meant to be used
If I got a notebook that was a family heirloom, I would feel guilty if I started writing in it! :mewlulz:
Billy looked up at me curiously. "Hey, Mister. What's wrong? Do you have a tummy ache?"

I must have looked visably visibly ill. Such was his super effective existensial attack...

I forced a smile. "Oh, no. I'm FINE. Thank you for your concern."
After reading this, a small part of me questions if this shows a deeper underlying flaw for the protagonist. It seems like this would hint at the internal flaw he has to overcome by the end of the book, at least to me.

(Minor spelling mistake, no biggie though)
Amazing? Was my skill at the game really that hard to attain? It was almost as if the other duelists were just there for kids to craft decks against and beat. They all seemed to have at least a basic knowledge of the game, but their tactics were predicable and limited...
It's kind of interesting to think of a world dominated by card games, especially when you think that a few people are considered "good" at the game. You know, a game that has a heavy amount of luck involved?

This again seems like something the protagonist is struggling with. Like he's doubting whether or not what he did was truly that remarkable.
"There is one species of Pokemon that actually lives in our world with us instead of only being in cards!"

"OOO! What is it? What is it???"

I replied with a confident grin, "That my boy, would be Doduo."
THERE HE IS!! :quag:

I will say that this does seem like a bit of an arbitrary piece of lore. That doesn't mean it's a BAD thing, but I would just be extra sure to give reasoning as to why it's ONLY Doduo, and not any other kind of 'mon.
Could you imagine having something like a real estate tax but having no money to pay the tax so the government just comes and steals your entire house away just from you failing to pay a tax that was only a small fraction of the total value? What a horrible world that would be to live in!
I DO understand why this line is in here (to illustrate how TCG Island differs from our own world), but that first sentence seemed to run on for me. I would've personally broken it into two of three sentences.
After pondering things for a while, I came up with a plan: from now on, I will only use common cards in my decks! No one will refuse to duel me if they know I am using all common cards! It was starting to get boring winning with fully powered decks anyway... This challenge should prove most stimulating!
I'm sorta torn between two reactions here. One of them understands why they are choosing to only use common cards (to earn money so he can support himself). But the other one (and it's my overanalyzing reading brain, bear with me) is a bit confused with this seemingly random decision. The motivation sort of makes sense, but at the same time, a part of me wonders "Well, they're already the TCG Island Champion, why are they continuing to duel anyway? And if they really DO need the money, why are they intentionally nerfing themselves?"
I have constructed my very first all-common deck! As with all decks, it needed a name. With lightning and fire being prominent, I have dubbed it "FlashFire!" The list is as follows:
I appreciate that you explained how the FlashFire deck works and what strategies it uses, so even people who aren't all too familiar with the game can understand it.

All in all, I really enjoyed the beginning of this one! Using a diary style format in the Prologue really helped sell it for me, and I like how Billy is essentially is the reader, discovering things as the reader does. Even though the protagonist's motivation didn't make the MOST sense to me, it was still enough to get me to root for them. Great work!
 

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Location
Somewhere beyond the Nexus
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. doduo
:quag:Hey @133TFR33k! I know that this is long overdue, but I'm finally popping in to give you a review!
Hey! Nice to see you drop in, Flare!

Love the way you organized your review, by the way. It makes it compact behind those spoiler tags!

As per your request, I will be reviewing your Introduction Page and the Prologue. For your convenience, I have separated them into separate tabs. Here we go!
:eyes:

I'll be honest, this game is one of those Pokémon spinoffs that I completely forgot existed. So seeing a fic about it is really cool to see!
I also hear its completely unique! Glad to see the premise looks nifty to you!

Minor thing, The "C" in Gameboy Color should be uppercase (it doesn't affect the ability to read it or anything, just something to mention).
Now that you point it out, it bugs me too. I changed it. Thanks!

How come all of the coolest games are only released in Japan? :screm:
Because the Japanese hate making money, I guess? :unquag:

It is really cool that this game was popular enough to get a fan translation though. It proves how dedicated Pokémon fans can be.
Indeed.

So it's basically like fighting the eight gym leaders and then the Elite Four, huh? I was kinda expecting a fully unique storyline, but oh well. It was the Gameboy Color, after all. They weren't gonna be able to fit something like Final Fantasy VII in there.
Well, the ORIGINAL storyline was pretty plain, but my FIC on the other hand... Let's just say, you are in for a ride! :veelove:

While this seems like a super simple thing to do, it really adds to the reading experience. I'm sorta surprised other fics have started doing this. It makes reading it a lot more enjoyable.
I have to ask then... Did you use it? :eyes:

*Duel Academy from Yu-Gi-Oh! GX intensifies*
And yet, even though I do make references to Yu-Gi-Oh! I stopped watching it at the end of the original storyline.

The TCG need in me appreciates the attention to detail here. I like how Mystic Fire is a real deck profile, and that you mention "Staple Cards," cards that every good deck typically plays.
It is real because I made it real. It's a deck I crafted in the game and it dominates the AI once it completes it's setup. :veelove:

It isn't the strongest deck I could make, but it's really satisfying to play since it's virtually invincible after setup.

However, I do kind of wish that you had explained more about the Mystic Fire deck. Because if you just read the story and didn't look it up, the reader wouldn't know anything about the deck other than its name. What type of Pokémon does the deck use, what's the Deck's ace? Stuff like that. Even if it was a two sentence blurb, it would make the reader understand WHY the deck was so powerful and WHY the protagonist won with that deck.
You make an excellent point here! I went back and added some basic information in about it. Thanks!

This is a really sweet form of motivation for the protagonist, explaining why he strived to become the TCG Champion.
Well, that was part of it anyway.

More will be expanded on that in Chapter One!

If I got a notebook that was a family heirloom, I would feel guilty if I started writing in it! :mewlulz:
That seems like an understandable reaction. Precisely why I had his grandfather mention it should be used.

After reading this, a small part of me questions if this shows a deeper underlying flaw for the protagonist. It seems like this would hint at the internal flaw he has to overcome by the end of the book, at least to me.
Minor spoiler for chapter one: his flaw is that he is lonely and is only getting older. He is 28 years old and has never had a girlfriend because he drilled so hard at becoming the champion. Ironically, he thought becoming champion would let him get with his crush: It didn't happen.

(Minor spelling mistake, no biggie though)
Ugh, that was from a bit I had just added. I've got to remember to refresh the site's spellchecker when trying to proof read. Fixed.

Thanks!

It's kind of interesting to think of a world dominated by card games, especially when you think that a few people are considered "good" at the game. You know, a game that has a heavy amount of luck involved?
Bad players rely on luck.

Good players make their own luck. 😎 (by avoiding bull crap coin-flip effects and loading the deck up with uncommon and rare card-draw cards so that by turn two or three you have already drawn through half the deck and have the things out that you need)

This again seems like something the protagonist is struggling with. Like he's doubting whether or not what he did was truly that remarkable.
He is WAY better than the others. Just like a human player playing through the Gameboy Color games in the post-game. But not just any human player, a highly skilled one! :cool: (Though admittedly not as good in PVP...)

THERE HE IS!! :quag:
Well, sort of. He hasn't met THE Doduo just yet.

I will say that this does seem like a bit of an arbitrary piece of lore. That doesn't mean it's a BAD thing, but I would just be extra sure to give reasoning as to why it's ONLY Doduo, and not any other kind of 'mon.
There IS an in-fic explanation for this, but it won't come until all the way towards the end of Book Two! For now, it is one of the many mysteries of Doduo.

I DO understand why this line is in here (to illustrate how TCG Island differs from our own world), but that first sentence seemed to run on for me. I would've personally broken it into two of three sentences.
Yeah... the run-on being a form a humor isn't quite working here. I fixed it up. Thanks!

I'm sorta torn between two reactions here. One of them understands why they are choosing to only use common cards (to earn money so he can support himself). But the other one (and it's my overanalyzing reading brain, bear with me) is a bit confused with this seemingly random decision. The motivation sort of makes sense, but at the same time, a part of me wonders "Well, they're already the TCG Island Champion, why are they continuing to duel anyway? And if they really DO need the money, why are they intentionally nerfing themselves?"
In my mind, it was already clear why, but I appreciate your input here. I can now see how someone might think that, so I went back in and added a line specifying that they won't duel him anymore because his deck is too strong and they can never win.

I also added another line about his reasoning for all-common cards being that anyone would be too embarrassed to refuse to duel him since it should be a massive nerf (which it most CERTAINLY was!)

I appreciate that you explained how the FlashFire deck works and what strategies it uses, so even people who aren't all too familiar with the game can understand it.
Sounds like I did good with it then. Especially since I spruced up the detail there in my last edit. Thanks!

All in all, I really enjoyed the beginning of this one!
Seems like I've FINALLY got my Intro/Prologue up to snuff, then. Thanks! :veelove:

Using a diary style format in the Prologue really helped sell it for me, and I like how Billy is essentially is the reader, discovering things as the reader does.
Diary format continues to be a hit! Glad to hear it!

Yeah, I formed Billy from the collective thoughts of the masses.

Even though the protagonist's motivation didn't make the MOST sense to me, it was still enough to get me to root for them. Great work!
Hopefully the little bit extra I added helped.

So, I don't know how many reviews you have done before for a fic, but if this was your first one, I am impressed! I'm also taken aback by your ability to point out things I should edit when it has already had lots of editing by this point!
 
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candycanearter07

Goomy Appreciator
Location
us
Pronouns
he/him
hi again!

Travel to the Lightning Club too far on foot, so today I decided to take my posh Scyther-themed SUV.
*was too far on foot

Once I started driving, it turned out Gotan was able to easily keep pace with my vehicle.
Wasn't the bird able to keep up with a car in an earlier chapter? Or was that written out

As my eyes adjusted, I was met with a view of the great plains. It was a vast ocean of grass that seemed alive as the wind blew along it in gentle waves.
nice description :)

Rick, unable to collect feathers while we traveled at such a high speed
Wait, wouldn't leaving feathers out on the road count as littering or something?

I frowned. "I would have liked a way to spend time with her after that point, but things had ended a bit awkwardly and I didn't know what else I could suggest... I hadn't intended for us to go so long without spending time together," I felt my eyes begin to water, "One week became two. Two weeks became two months... As the length of time increased, so did the awkwardness of trying to break the stalemate... Before I knew it, we had gone years without meeting up..."
boy is that relatable....

"You graduated top of your class in an unmatched record standing, yes?"
WOW, that must've been difficult. No wonder he's the champ

I signed. "I did.
☝️👉 signed?

I smiled bitterly, "Not that any other girl had caught my eye like Nikki. Even now, no one catches my attention. I'm not sure if I have high standards or if I am just too particular when it comes to women..."
yea i know the feeling

I scoffed. "And leave TCG island? No thank you. The other islands sound like barbaric places that even allow poverty to exist. Our Oracle never dies and has helped us to live under the best government in recorded history."
boy yea what kind of nation would do that
Are they worried about being stranded and running out of money, or just anti poverty in general?

I realize that Neo Island uses entirely different cards, but surely you could find some interest in GR Island, at least?"

I squinted. "Hmmm... perhaps. It would be nice to be able to use my MysticFire deck again..."
Wait, whats this about different islands having different card sets?

I opened the door of my SUV and was immediately met by a blast of hot air. It had to be at least a hundred degrees out. Fortunately my SUV had superb AC and the Lightning Club would have AC as well!
wow this was meirl last month
Also, you could maybe change the last line to something like "Fortunately, the inside of the club was kept at a temperature habitable by humans, so I didn't have to endure it for long" since I think its kinda implied the car has good AC by the MC not mentioning the heat at all. also using stronger language to make the heat seem more deadly is nice

The lobby had a spotlight shining in the center of the floor where the lightning symbol was. I could also see some of the yellow tiles around it. The rest of the floor was unlit, as usual.

The walls were lined with two rows of large lights in the shape of stars that alternated with one half lighting up and then switching to the other half so that no two lit stars would be horizontally or vertically beside another.

In the darkness, I could make out the rugs leading to the lounge and to the interior of the club.
I know you're just describing the game's clubs, but the whole darkness and light thing feels more like a Dark Club thing, lol

Gotan was moving like a robot synchronized to the timer for the flashing lights.
Gotan was seemingly hypnotized by the lights, syncing their movements to their flashing.

She was only seven years old and going through a huge 'Pikachu' phase. For whatever reason, it was a thing I saw happen all-too-often with little girls on our island.
Is Pikachu the mascot for TCG like it is IRL, or is it not special to the characters?

It then suddenly dawned on me that I was currently going through... a Scyther phase?! That revelation was more unnerving than I had expected. I made a mental note to downplay my adoration for Scyther going forward lest anyone draw such a comparison...
Yeah, like the multiple Scyther references in previous chapters didn't give it away.
Why are they so concerned with appearing to have a phase? Is it just like a professionalism thing, or more personal?

eye-glasses
just use glasses here, I think

Brandon focused on me without blinking. "Mr. Gentleman. After the beating I received from you last time you were here, the chance to beat you while you are weakened by your all-common deck is just too tempting to pass up."
Seems some clubs took the loss worse than others.

The duel went well. All he had was a Pikachu which I denied energy with a couple Energy Removal cards and an Eevee which I took down in a single Group Spark attack.
That sucks for him, they were BOTH playing with common cards :D (idk if theyre common or not)

I noticed Rick had left my side and was talking to Jennifer about Pikachu in the dark.

It sounded like he was listing off all kinds of facts about Pikachu cards and speculating on how an actual Pikachu would act if they existed like Doduo does in the world.
Thats pretty cute actually, I kinda forgot they'd have no frame of reference for behaviours...

Brandon frowned. "No!! Now how am I supposed to get a full play-set of legendary Zapdos cards for the legendary Zapdos deck I was going to create?!"

Was Isaac serious? Did he really have a full play-set of those? I had my doubts... They were among the rarest Pokemon cards in the world!
"A tool is only as good as how you can use it" or something.
also yea wait did Issac get those legitimately, or....?

After the duel, I caught Brandon muttering as he walked away! "So much for getting a raise to double my pay..."
wait do they get paid per-trainer or per-day

The voice laughed incredulously. "Oh that is rich coming from you, champion. You've been going around all the clubs winning games against the other members with commons. I guess that is how little you think of everyone, don't you?"

I crossed my arms abandoning the struggle to try to see and left my eyes shut. "Well, how else am I supposed to make money dueling when no one will duel me!"

The voice chuckled. "Yeah, that's not so fun, is it? Almost feels like being left behind, huh? It's exactly what you deserve."
honestly im siding with issac here

In this duel, I simply couldn't bring myself to win. She had me wrapped around her finger and probably didn't even know it. I put on a token show of things, being careful to avoid KOing any of her Pokemon. Before I knew it, the duel ended with her claiming the final prize.
reminds me of saxton hale from the tf2 comics tbh
 

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Location
Somewhere beyond the Nexus
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. doduo
ch11 review
hi again!
Always great to see you pop in, candy! Wow you are getting pretty far into Book One at this point!

The next chapter breaks the mold a bit too. I'll be curious what you think of it later when you get to it.

*was too far on foot
:quag:

Wasn't the bird able to keep up with a car in an earlier chapter? Or was that written out
It was, but my head-cannon was that it was on slower speed-limit streets probably no more than 35 miles per hour at a time. I added a bit in now to explain he wasn't sure if Gotan could keep up with at higher speeds. Thanks!

nice description :)
:veelove:

Wait, wouldn't leaving feathers out on the road count as littering or something?
Biodegradable. Doesn't count. It's only a problem indoors.

boy is that relatable....
:sadbees:

WOW, that must've been difficult. No wonder he's the champ
Yeah, he is a pretty massive prodigy in the world.

☝️👉 signed?
Sighed. Thanks!

yea i know the feeling
Standards can be helpful, but they can also keep one lonely... Too far in one direction brings misery.

boy yea what kind of nation would do that
Are they worried about being stranded and running out of money, or just anti poverty in general?
He believes poverty is a sign of a very poorly functioning society with moral ramifications abound.

Wait, whats this about different islands having different card sets?
TCG Island and GR Island all have cards from the 2nd TCG game. Neo Island only has cards from the 2nd generation sets that were featured in the Neo rom hack of the original game.

wow this was meirl last month
:unquag:

Also, you could maybe change the last line to something like "Fortunately, the inside of the club was kept at a temperature habitable by humans, so I didn't have to endure it for long" since I think its kinda implied the car has good AC by the MC not mentioning the heat at all. also using stronger language to make the heat seem more deadly is nice
Hmm! Good points. I played with it some and it should work better now. Thanks!

I know you're just describing the game's clubs, but the whole darkness and light thing feels more like a Dark Club thing, lol
Well, you can show off lights and 'light'ning better if there is a contrast of darkness...

Gotan was seemingly hypnotized by the lights, syncing their movements to their flashing.
Yeah, seemed good to rework. I did some stuff with it.

Is Pikachu the mascot for TCG like it is IRL, or is it not special to the characters?
Despite me wanting to make Doduo the mascot, yes, Pikachu in the world of the fic is more commonly celebrated and is more popular.

Yeah, like the multiple Scyther references in previous chapters didn't give it away.
Why are they so concerned with appearing to have a phase? Is it just like a professionalism thing, or more personal?
He thinks it makes him comparable to a child. He doesn't want to be seen as a child since he is 28 years old. Example, random middle-aged woman says this to him "Awww you are having a Scyther phase! That's so adorable." Hearing that would give him low-grade mental trauma. :mewlulz:

just use glasses here, I think
:quag:

Seems some clubs took the loss worse than others.
Indeed.

That sucks for him, they were BOTH playing with common cards :D (idk if theyre common or not)
Yeah, I think they were. But all AI decks have at least some uncommons in them even IF they don't have rares (which they probably do)

Thats pretty cute actually, I kinda forgot they'd have no frame of reference for behaviours...
Thanks! Yeah, I thought this scene made for a nice bonding moment and prevented Rick from being too quiet in the chapter.

"A tool is only as good as how you can use it" or something.
also yea wait did Issac get those legitimately, or....?
This is head-cannon because there isn't an in-fic explanation, but no, he doesn't have those cards at all. He lied.

wait do they get paid per-trainer or per-day
I'm not sure if I ever explicitly state it in the fic, but it's per-day.

honestly im siding with issac here
That's part of what makes Isaac a compelling character, I think. Some of his points are meant to be relatable.

reminds me of saxton hale from the tf2 comics tbh
Huh. I'm curious how. I did a wiki search and I'm having a hard time picturing it lol...
 

candycanearter07

Goomy Appreciator
Location
us
Pronouns
he/him
It was, but my head-cannon was that it was on slower speed-limit streets probably no more than 35 miles per hour at a time. I added a bit in now to explain he wasn't sure if Gotan could keep up with at higher speeds. Thanks!
nyooom

Biodegradable. Doesn't count. It's only a problem indoors.
makes sense actually, since i assume there'd be wild Doduo...

He believes poverty is a sign of a very poorly functioning society with moral ramifications abound.
wwwellllll.....

TCG Island and GR Island all have cards from the 2nd TCG game. Neo Island only has cards from the 2nd generation sets that were featured in the Neo rom hack of the original game.
But in universe, are the First Gen cards banned from being used in official gym battles?

Well, you can show off lights and 'light'ning better if there is a contrast of darkness...
Fair, and I guess it also has an electrifying presence :)

Despite me wanting to make Doduo the mascot, yes, Pikachu in the world of the fic is more commonly celebrated and is more popular.
smh even in a world where they dont exist Pikachu is still the center of attention

He thinks it makes him comparable to a child. He doesn't want to be seen as a child since he is 28 years old. Example, random middle-aged woman says this to him "Awww you are having a Scyther phase! That's so adorable." Hearing that would give him low-grade mental trauma. :mewlulz:
Ah yea, that makes sense

This is head-cannon because there isn't an in-fic explanation, but no, he doesn't have those cards at all. He lied.
le gasp NO!

Huh. I'm curious how. I did a wiki search and I'm having a hard time picturing it lol...
ok TLDR basically exactly this happens in the comics, Hale has this rule where if you can beat them in a fight you become the CEO so someone challenged them to fight a kid and he resigned and the kid gets the CEO position

anyways continuing to the rest of the chapter

Jennifer held her hands high. "YAY!! I BEAT THE GENTLEMAN! DADDY! DID YOU SEE? DID YOU SEE???!!!"
awww, shes trying to prove themself to their dad

I could hear the sounds of small feet moving away. It seemed this was scaring Jennifer.
ooohh, thats gonna cause conflict if his daughters emotions are brought into this :)

"This isn't anything new we are seeing here. Your goal has always been to humiliate others with your skill at the Pokemon TCG. Being able to do it with commons? What better way than that? You're just a noob-basher who is throwing a temper tantrum that you can't keep noob-bashing."
Wait, is noob smasher a common term in this world? It feels like a internet term..
(also i absolutely feel this about people sometimes)

He said it. He ACTUALLY said it! The most grievous insult someone could POSSIBLY throw at me. The gall and nerve! All from someone who undeservedly used to hold the title of 'best friend'!
The BETRAYAL!!! hopefully they can make up

I had no idea where Gotan was. Rick was oddly quiet too.
uh oh were they kidnapped

"My poor little girl... He didn't duel you seriously. He was making fun of you. Since you didn't really win, I can't take you to the amusement park now. I'm sorry sweetie, It's out of my hands now. If you're upset, I understand, but don't blame Daddy, ok? It's the Gentleman's fault."

I couldn't believe my ears...

Jennifer stepped into the light facing me. Tears running down her face removing the Pikachu face-paint from her cheeks in the process.

TCG2_Jennifer_Loss.png


"I... I just wanted to see Pikachu... at the park... I just wanted... why are you so mean?! WHAAAAAA!!!" Jennifer turned and ran crying out of the room.

Before I could say anything, Isaac jumped in. "You see, you monster? Making my little girl cry... I ought to beat you like a Doduo punching bag..."
OOO twisting the knife with the kid way sooner than i expected woa :D

minor thing but maybe flip the mouth on the sprite because it looks like a smile

"YOU!!" I swung a punch in the direction his voice had most recently come from.

Suddenly I felt a fist hammer right in my gut. Anger replaced with pain as I fell to my knees cradling my gut.

The voice spoke louder so the other members in the club could hear. "You all saw it. He struck first. I was merely defending myself from this violent man. He didn't like being called out for his rampant noob-bashing, so you see what he resorts to!"

Finally Isaac stepped into the light as he loomed over me.

TCG2_Isaac_Loss.png


Somehow, he had a look of genuine disgust. "It all makes sense now..."
AND using their righteousness to make them look bad!!! woa :D

I squinted up at him since he was blocking some of the lights. "What kind of a father uses his own daughter to tear someone else down?!"
thats what i was saying!!

The shadow was confirmed to be Gotan. One of his heads went limp with a smile.

If it weren't for Gotan's known love of pain, I would have suspected he had stepped in to help!
or maybe they are secretly wanting to help!!

I heard Isaac's voice from the other side of Gotan as he stopped kicking. "I don't know why anything would want to protect you, champion, but you had better be grateful this disgusting creature won't move..."

Unbelievable. Saved by Gotan!
hes doing it on purpose i know it

Isaac spoke louder making sure the members of the club in the room could hear. "From now on, you are banned from this club. I'm not about to have an abusive and immoral man like you as as guest here and I don't care WHAT your title is! If you don't like it, I'll permit ONE two out of three game match against me at a later date, but ONLY if you use your current deck UNALTERED. If I win, you must step down from your title as champion... permanently."

I snarled. "Well if I win, you will refuse to defend yourself in a defamation lawsuit!"
REALLY raising the stakes at the end, wow :D
 

133TFR33k

Creator of the Doduo Alliance
Location
Somewhere beyond the Nexus
Pronouns
He/him
Partners
  1. doduo
Reply to Chapter 11 Review (part 2 of your review)

No need to apologize! I just was confused that you would comment about the rest of it but say nothing towards the end where things started spiraling.

:quag:

makes sense actually, since i assume there'd be wild Doduo...
Indeed there are!

wwwellllll.....
TCG Island is kind of a utopia, so everywhere else in the world sucks by comparison.

But in universe, are the First Gen cards banned from being used in official gym battles?
First Gen cards are what are used on TCG Island and GR Island. 99% of 2nd gen cards are not there.

For Neo Island, they only use 2nd gen cards (unless there are any overlapping cards used by both. I don't think there are).

Fair, and I guess it also has an electrifying presence :)
Yeah, but I didn't design the lightning club. I'm just using what they game gave me.

smh even in a world where they dont exist Pikachu is still the center of attention
Yep, but that's based on in-game evidence. 3 characters in the game are Pikachu-themed. There are a variety of Pikachu Promo cards. Some things in the GR Island Game Center are Pikachu-themed. Imakuni compares himself to Pikachu asking kids around the world "Who's cuter? Pikachu or me?"(taken from his in-game card)

Ah yea, that makes sense
:quag:

le gasp NO!
I should add that detail in a later relevant chapter. Done!

ok TLDR basically exactly this happens in the comics, Hale has this rule where if you can beat them in a fight you become the CEO so someone challenged them to fight a kid and he resigned and the kid gets the CEO position
Oh that is kind of similar.

anyways continuing to the rest of the chapter
:eyes:

awww, shes trying to prove themself to their dad
Trying. :copyka:

ooohh, thats gonna cause conflict if his daughters emotions are brought into this :)
You see the writing on the wall...

Wait, is noob smasher a common term in this world? It feels like a internet term..
(also i absolutely feel this about people sometimes)
Sure. Why not? It's not like they don't have an internet.

And yes, some people are noob bashers...

The BETRAYAL!!! hopefully they can make up
Zeroing in RIGHT on the direction of the remaining plot, it seems! But will they make up, or is this just going to get uglier?

uh oh were they kidnapped
Not quite, but I don't mind that sort of tension being there either! Nice!

OOO twisting the knife with the kid way sooner than i expected woa :D
Yep. He went straight for the jugular with the shock-value.

minor thing but maybe flip the mouth on the sprite because it looks like a smile
Actually, I think it makes it look even better that way. Almost like she is pleading to go to the amusement park. Also, I have ZERO talent with sprites. I can do very minor things and that's it lol...

AND using their righteousness to make them look bad!!! woa :D
I'm glad it's evoking a reaction. Can you see now why I was worried when you said absolutely nothing about the end of this chapter in your original review post? :mewlulz:

thats what i was saying!!
Good. I wanted his reaction to be relatable.

or maybe they are secretly wanting to help!!
Perhaps.

hes doing it on purpose i know it
Only time will tell.

REALLY raising the stakes at the end, wow :D
Yeah, stakes had been too low. It really needed to up the anti. It should make the rest of the fic very interesting.

Next chapter is good in a whole different way, by the way. I'd be very curious what you think of it when you get to it. Other than K_S you continue to be the farthest along in Book One.

Thanks for the review of the remaining content in the chapter! :veelove:
 
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