Pokémon The Queen of Kalos

CinderArts · Oct 1, 2022

Hello everyone! I am proud to present my rewrite of my 2020 fic inspired by the film "The Illusionist! (2010)" It's been a while since I wrote fanfics, so please bear with me and my shortcomings if you see any! Without further ado, have a happy reading and feel free to leave a review!

Content Warning: Mention of Tobacco.

Kalos, 2007

On the stage set of Plaza Theater, a small crowd composed of middle-aged men and women awaited the opening announcement of the stage speaker as they waited for the show to start. A minute had passed and the silence that filled the air had been replaced with the sound of a man tapping his microphone.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, continuing our evening of magic, the Plaza Theater is proud to present The Queen of Kalos!”

The curtains tried to give way for the performer, but they didn't budge. The man tried again, to no avail.

“Ahem, apologies. It seems we have some difficulties. Please, give your warm applause again for The Queen of Kalos!”

The man whispered and signaled the performer hastily as the curtains proved inefficient for the reveal of her introduction. After a few seconds, the performer stepped out. She sported a starry cape, a hat and a wonderful red dress that would leave any Pokemon performer jealous. Serena, who went by the stage name “The Queen of Kalos”, looked at the audience left and right before she took a bow. Serena sighed deeply as she fixed her blue bowtie.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I, The Queen of Kalos, shall dazzle you with a world of magic!” she announced triumphantly but received only a few claps from the audience. She sighed internally but smiled and kept the show going. She tried to pull out her Pokeball from her belt, but it proved to be problematic as it was slightly stuck. Giving it one last nudge, she managed to pull out her Pokeball, which caused her belt to snap! As she tried her best to regain her composure and placed the belt on her shoulder, she threw up her Pokeball and summoned Braixen.

“Now, Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp followed by Fire Spin!” she commanded. As Braixen was about to perform her moves, her twig snapped! This earned her trainer an awkward smile as her audience chuckled at her Braixen.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Kalos, 2013

In the same theater, Serena had just finished performing with her Braixen and Pancham to an audience who kept bored looks. Picking up the stuff she pulled out from her hat, Serena went back to her stage room, and placed all the things back she used for tonight’s performance. Sighing, she took out a cigarette from her small cigar case and lit it up.

“What a night…”, she uttered. Taking a drag from her cigarette, she sat down and began to apply powder to her nose to keep the sweat away. “Another night, another performance.”

On the mirror are pictures posted on the side of the glass, containing various memories from her young days as a Pokemon Performer. On the right is her picture of the day she won the title as Queen of Kalos, on the left is an image of her and her old friends. But one picture she kept close was an image of her as a young girl with a young man next to her, she wore a simple white dress and a hat, and the man wore a simple set of clothes adorned with a birthmark in a z-like shape. She sighed, taking another drag from her cigarette as she looked at her younger self in the photo. A few seconds later, Braixen approached her with puppy eyes and flopped down ears.

“Braixen, Brai…”

“Yeah, I got you. It’s okay Braixen. I know it’s not your fault.”

She placed down her cigar on the tray as she took out a piece of macaron from the box, handing it over to Braixen to which she graciously accepted. “Yeah, I know. Not a lot of Pokemon Performers these days would bother performing when they’re not as popular as they used to be.” she told Braixen,

“But it’s better than being homeless, am I right?” She looked at her Braixen with a smile.

“Braixen…” Braixen cooed as she patted Serena’s shoulder.

“I know, Braixen…” she said and sighed as she went back to her daily dose of smoking, which was rudely interrupted by a loud knocking at the door. “One second!” As she took one last drag, Serena opened the door expecting her package, only to be greeted by the manager of the theater.

“Good evening, Serena,” He greeted.

“Good evening, Jack.” Serena greeted in return.

“Listen, Serena… I got news, and well…” Jack said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Just get to the point, Jack. You don’t need to go in circles to tell me.” she said.

Jack sighed as he threw down the cigar and stepped on it. “You’re laid off, Serena. Starting tonight.”

“What? Jack, you can’t do that to me. I’ve worked in this theater ever since I started my career as a Pokemon Performer!” Serena said with a raised voice.

“I know, I know, and I respect that. But the audience, they’re bored of the same tricks and the same performance you’ve been doing for the past few years. Nowadays, people want new entertainment, and- “

Serena interrupted him, “So, this is what it’s all about, huh? You want to replace me with a set of boy bands who barely know a thing or two about entertainment from who knows where?”

“Sadly, you’re right on that one. Look, I appreciate your contributions to this theater, but even you should know when your time is up. Just look at the audience tonight, they’re so bored you could hear the Kricketot’s singing outside! Your ticket sales are barely meeting the minimum chart, and the theater is losing a lot of money trying to promote you! No offense, Serena, but this is business! This is nothing personal!”

“This IS personal to me, Jack! This theater is practically my second home! I grew up performing in this theater even before you became manager!” She shouted.

Jack sighed and took out an envelope from his suit. “Sorry, but this is the best I can do. This is the last salary that I can give. From now on, you’re laid off. I’m so sorry, Serena. But I have to keep the business afloat. Nothing personal, but keeping you in here has cost the theater a lot of money…”

Serena took the envelope and sighed. “You’re not sorry and you know it. You just care about the profits.” She said before she slammed the door shut.

As tears escaped her eyes, she set down the envelope and sat back down, sobbing as she took her cigarette.

I can’t believe this! He’s kicking me out for real! I can’t afford to lose the theater that I grew up in! Yet, even if I fight it, it’s not going to work. Serena thought to herself, only to be disrupted by her Braixen who held her left arm, concerned for her trainer.

“Braixen…”

“Perhaps our time is up. I guess it’s time for us to move on…”

“Brai…”

She patted Braixen’s cheeks and gave her a sad smile. “It’s okay, Braixen… we’ll figure things out like we always do. Never give up until it’s over…”

____________________________________________________________________________________

Two days after she was laid off from the theater, Serena had set off to work at a different theater in the region of Galar. After she was given the offer from a manager her friend referred her to, she packed his belongings and accepted the new manager’s offer. Serena carried only one travel case with the rest of her Pokeballs neatly tucked in. I should get a bigger travel case, she thought to herself. For Serena, Motostoke is a city too big for her, but knowing that this is a big city, it means that she can still make it as a Pokemon performer. Arriving at the Emporium Bay Theater, she adjusted her blue bowtie and entered the theater, only to be greeted by a man who wore a bright yellow suit.

"Ah, hello! You must be Serena!" The man said.

"Yes, that is me. Are you the manager that I spoke to two days ago?" Serena asked.

"Yes, that would be me! My name is Higgins. Come, come! Let's talk in my office." He gestured to follow him. Serena was ushered into the man’s office. His office was decorated with bookshelves stacked with theatrical and movie books, his desk has neatly stacked papers on the surface and an image of himself.

"So, how's your stay in Motostoke City? Grand, I presume?" The manager asked.

"It's alright. I stayed at a cheap hotel for the night." Serena responded. She felt like she could leave a big impression if she lied, but she knew that honesty is always the best option.

"Ah, well it's good to save. You don't know when you'll need them nowadays!"

"Yeah, definitely."

Serena sat down on the chair, making sure that her dress was still clean for impression. "Tea or Coffee?" The manager asked.

"Water would do."

A moment later, the manager went back to the room and gave her a glass of water.

"Okay, so here's the deal. You can perform tonight and if it works well, you can definitely stay here."

"That is great to hear. What time am I set to perform?" Serena asked, starry eyed at the offer.

"Around 10 PM, we have a famous singer performing tonight and the whole theater is sold out for his performance." The manager said.

"That's alright with me. I prefer to perform in the evening. Here's my poster." Serena showed the manager her bright blue poster, with her dressed in her signature white dress.”

"Excellent! I'll have it posted outside for customers to see."

It’s five minutes before the show’s over, and Serena patiently waited backstage, donning her performer's outfit. She watched the singer perform from the backstage monitors to try and stave off the boredom of having to wait for five full hours. “He has some talent; I’ll give him that…”

“Braixen, Brai.”

“I know, Braixen. I’m anxious too. But we must perform and nail it today!”

Knowing that his performance would end, she stood up and prepared herself for the magical performance. As the curtains went down, she took two steps before the curtains went up again. She stepped back, surprised that the singer was still performing. "What the? Isn't it 10 PM already?" She asked the lever boy.

The lever boy responded, "The singer requested an extra hour before he started. Sorry pal."

She sighed, frustrated that she lost an hour's worth of performance. But there was no helping it, she kept her cool and sat back down, waiting for her turn.

“Brai…?”

“It’s… it’s okay braixen. We just must wait patiently…”

An hour passed, Serena dusted off her outfit and prepared herself to step in once the curtains went down. She hoped that there wouldn’t be another hour lost to a singer again. As soon as the curtains went down, the singer walked backstage, with a grin on his face.

"The girls loved my performance, so much so that they're begging me to do an encore! Haha!" He then looked at Serena "Sorry about that old timer, the girl's needed an extra hour of my lovely voice."

Serena simply replied, "It's alright." Yet deep inside, she could feel the rage building up inside of her, like a swelled-up volcano. Still, she kept her cool and decided that fighting him was not worth the effort. As soon as the singer was out of sight, she stepped onto the stage and summoned Pancham out of her Pokeball, with Braixen in tow.

“Pancham!” He exclaimed.

“Heh, are you ready Pancham?” she asked and received a grin as a reply from the small Pokemon.

As the curtain went up, she was surprised to see that all the audience had disappeared. The only ones that remain would be an old lady, and her two grandsons.

Outside, a wave of fangirls fawned over the singer, blocked by police to prevent them from stampeding over the local celebrity. Some even fought over a poster that he gave to a girl.

Nevertheless, she pushed on and went on to perform.

“Now, Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp and form a circle!” She commanded as a set of wisps formed in front of her. She clapped her hands to give Pancham the signal, and he jumped right through it without skipping a beat. No applause came from the two young boys, except for the grandmother who smiled at him. Tough crowd.

The next day, she took her poster down from the theater's display box, as she looked onward to find another place to perform at.

“Braixen…”

“Pancham, Pan…”

Serena sighed. Her performance was a bust and she can’t help but feel guilty for making her Pokemon feel like it’s their fault.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault that we failed.” She said as she gave them a pair of Macarons. “Tell you what, how about we go find ourselves another theater and try our best? Is that good?”

“Braixen!” She nodded along with Pancham, eager to lift their trainer’s spirit.

“Then it’s settled! We’ll keep on performing until we find a theater that can accept us!” she triumphantly declared, with a set of words lingering in her mind as she made the declaration.

Never give up until it’s over.

CinderArts · Oct 14, 2022

Content Warning: Mentions of Tobacco and Alcohol.

Disappointed at the lack of viewers in the last theater, Serena and her companions had set out to perform at a formal party in the outskirts of Motostoke City, to which they easily accepted her application which gave Serena some suspicion. Nevertheless, she got paid upfront so Serena was set to perform even if no one would pay attention to her

Serena thought about retiring after this, using what's left of her money to start a small farm in the green fields of Kalos. The more she performed, the more she failed to captivate the younger audiences of the modern world due to newer and growing forms of entertainment that kept on getting in her way.

Serena pondered on how to captivate younger audiences for a long time but gave up after her decline as a Pokemon Performer. Gone are the days where even a simple coin trick could gain loud applause from young kids and teenagers. Serena wished she could go back to those days, to be able to perform without being brushed aside by some pop singer or a group of boy bands who could attract the attention of young people by strumming a single note from a guitar.

Serena stood by the balcony of her hotel room, she watched the nightlights of the city as she smoked, pondering on the thoughts she would always think about after a failed performance. The city’s beautiful night lights, combined with the beautiful twinkling starry skies reminded Serena of her days as a young performer, with only a penny to her name and a set of dresses her mother had given her.

From there, she would go on to perform magical feats with her companions, from a simple coin trick to her Braixen and Pancham’s trademark Will-O-Wisp trick. The audience loved her, but nowadays, the modern audience yearns for something more than an old, faded, and washed-out performer. She wondered if there's someone out there who still believes in the magic that performers like her would bring to the table.

“Braixen…?”

She turned around to face Braixen, flicking away her cigarette. “Hey, Braixen. You can’t sleep?” Braixen nodded.

“What’s wrong, Braixen?” she asked as she caressed her cheek.

“Braixen, Brai…” She pointed her finger at Serena with worried eyes. “Braixen…”

“Are you worried about me?” she sighed. This is the last thing she wanted, to make her companions feel worried about her. “I’m okay. It’s just… it’s been a rough few days, is all.”

“Brai…?”

“Yes, Braixen. Trust me. Everything is okay, I promise.” Serena said as she embraced her companion, wanting to assure the fire-type that she’ll be alright.

Her days are rough, but she will make it work like she always used to.

_____________________________________________

The party on the outskirts of Motostoke City had kicked off, wealthy elites mingled and drank wine as they watched, a local opera singer sang her heart out as she performed a classic song called "the Kalosian waltz". She sang with a fierce but soft tone.

The audience clearly loved to see her perform judging from the number of people watching. Serena and Braixen waited from the back, wearing her usual performer's outfit. For today, she wished that people would pay attention to them just as they were paying attention right now to the opera singer. She watched from the back as they both waited for their cue to perform.

I wish I could captivate an audience like that, she thought to herself.

As the opera singer finally finished performing, the audience clapped as she gave a bow and headed backstage, the band then began to play her tune, giving them their cue. She straightened her blue bowtie and walked out from the back and into the front of the audience.

But as soon as she began performing, the audience began talking to each other, sipping wine as they chatted about their day. She felt dismayed that even the older audiences weren’t paying attention to her, but regardless, she went on to perform.

“Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp followed by Fire Spin!” She commanded, and Braixen gracefully performed her signature move with grace and dazzling magic. Yet, it failed to captivate her audience who were busier chatting about their wealth. One person behind her clapped in a drunken manner.

“Alright Braixen, now’s our chance! Use Will-O-Wisp again, this time followed by Light Screen!” Braixen summoned the same set of wisps and formed them into a circle, then she summoned a set of light screens which made the wisps shine brighter than an Ember’s flame. Once again, her audience did not pay any attention to her.

Keep your cool, Serena. Just keep on performing… She thought to herself as she called out her Pancham onto the scene.

“Alright, now for the best part! Braixen, use Will-O-Wisp and form a circle!” She commanded as usual and clapped her hands a few seconds later as Pancham jumped through the circle of wisps with style and grace. Yet again, no one applauded her. The same drunk person clapped and approached him drunkenly.

"Aye, you're a good performer, I tell ya!” He complimented Serena as he pulled out a card from his pocket. “Here, take one of my calling cards. I-I know a group of people who would want to see you perform." The man gave Serena his calling card, to which she accepted and hid it in her pocket. The man then tried to walk away, only to trip and crash on one of the tables. "Sorry! Sorry…”

Serena and her companions then used the distraction to walk away from the audience along with her belongings.

_____________________________________________

For the next three days, Serena traveled by boat to The Isle of Armor after she called up the man that offered her his calling card. She brought with her a few days’ worth of clothes and money from her previous performances. The trip went from sunny to cloudy and then cloudy with a mix of rain.

The Isle of Armor, to her, is the perfect place to retire as it is known for its lush green fields and sandy shores. From what she could read from the pamphlet that he brought with her; The Isle of Armor is a developing rural town that has a total population of 2,000. Most of the town has yet to obtain electricity, while some parts have running power with lights on their homes. Reading this information gave her the idea for their next performance.

“Pancham, pan…?” Pancham asked as he tugged at her coat.

“What’s wrong, Pancham?” Serena inquired. Pancham simply rubbed his stomach, indicating the obvious. Not surprising.

“Heh, feeling hungry already, Pancham?” She asked and Pancham nodded in reply.

“But you just ate an hour ago… oh well.” Serena gingerly took out a piece of Macaron from her case and handed it over. “Here you go, but this is the last one for now, okay?”

With the boat arriving at her destination, she was greeted with rainy clouds and a small fishing village. Seeing the small village reminded Serena of her own small town she lived in when she was a young kid. Smiling, she stepped down from the boat and waited for the man to pick her up. While waiting, she and Pancham tried one of The Isle of Armor’s local delicacies.

Soon, the drunk man arrived in a ragged looking car. He honked for her attention and waved at her as Serena turned to look in his direction. Serena smiled at the man, knowing that his enthusiasm was genuine.

As soon as they left the fishing village, Serena and the man conversed about several topics, like the history of The Isle of Armor and its wonderful natural sights as they traveled to their destination. There were times that the two had to stop by to refuel or to try and get the tires off from the wet mud. Serena didn't mind helping the man even if she and her Pancham got dirty, knowing that the town they're going to has running water and a bar of soap to deal with the dirt and muck that the ground could offer.

Hours had passed from driving after overcoming simple obstacles, Serena and the man finally arrived at the small town. There was not much to see other than the simple food stalls, houses, small stores, and the usual sight of young kids playing around the small town. The man led Serena to the town's local tavern, where she met the bartender in charge.

"Ah, hello. You must be the performer Liam talked about the other night. The name's Barry." He shook Serena’s hand. “Aww, who’s the little fella?” He ruffled Pancham’s fur, with Pancham taking in the delightful feeling.

"Yes, that would be me. I am Serena, this is my Pancham, and I have accepted your friend's offer to perform in your local town. As such, I have brought my poster with me to promote my image should the need for another performance arrive." She then pulled out his poster from the tube and showed it to the bartender.

"Ah, that is lovely. I know just where to put it..." he took the poster and placed it on the large dartboard, placing darts on the corners to make it stick. "Easy as pie. Your room is on the first right, then turn on the first left. It's not hard to miss it."

"Thank you very much, sir. I'll prepare for tonight's performance." She shook his hand in return and went to her assigned room.

"Gloria, take care of the tables for me, would you kindly?"

"Sure thing!" The young girl stopped cleaning the floor to fix the chairs and tables, but her attention was caught by the poster of Serena donning her performer’s outfit. "The Queen of Kalos...?" Gloria looked at the poster for a few more seconds, before turning her attention back to the chairs and tables.

“Ugh, what a day.” Serena said as she plopped down on the bed, with Pancham following suit. She wondered if this opportunity was her next big break. The last time she had a big break like this was two years ago when she performed in Lumiose City. She hoped that this time, it would spark the dying flame within her as a performer.

“Pancham…”

“I know, Pancham. But we must give our best, no matter what.” She declared as Serena raised her fist in the air. “I know it’s what he would’ve wanted…”

“Pan…?”

“Mhm. I’m sure Ash is proud of us. Wherever he is now…

_____________________________________________

The day had passed, and the tavern was then filled with patrons of the small village, young and old, drinking, and dancing to their heart's content. The audience clapped in tune with the bagpipes. All the while, Gloria helped the bartender by serving alcoholic drinks to the older patrons of the tavern. For the young, orphaned girl, she spent most of her life studying and doing work for the bartender in exchange for money and a room to sleep in. Gloria loved to serve drinks and food to the locals, but she yearned for more.

She yearned to travel to the outside world, to the bustling cities of Galar and other regions she had read from the magazines she had bought with her own money. As a growing up girl soon to be in her late teens, Gloria learned that these cities have electricity and luxuries such as perfume, diamond earrings and more. She dreamt of owning such luxuries one day.

After the people had finished dancing, the drunk man whistled for their attention and signaled the bartender to turn off the lamps, while he gingerly attached a lightbulb above him. As soon as the lamps were turned off, he pushed the button and the light turned on. The entire audience clapped, as he turned it off and on once more, earning more praise from the audience.

"Now, settle down everyone! We have a special guest for tonight! She is a famous Pokemon Performer from the city that I lived in for a while, so let's give our applause to The Queen of Kalos!" He stepped aside to give way for Serena, as she stepped inside with her Braixen and Pancham. The audience clapped as she stepped in, which surprised Serena before bowing to the audience.

“Thank you for your warm applause! I, the Queen of Kalos, shall dazzle you tonight with a magical show!” She triumphantly declared.

Now Braixen! Use Will-o-Wisp followed by Light Screen!” Serena commanded, and Braixen conjured up a set of wisps dazzled by a set of light screens. Pancham then hopped up from Braixen’s back and used Mach Punch to break the screens, causing the flames to disappear gracefully. The patrons cheered and whistled at the display.

Gloria watched in awe, amazed at Serena’s first performance. She rubbed her eyes to see if she was dreaming, only to see that what he just did was all real. "Wow, she’s amazing!" she thought to herself. Gloria sat down on the front seat to get a clear view of Serena and her performance. The young girl was captivated as she watched Serena perform with her Pokemon.

Serena whistled for Pancham to hop onto her shoulder and commanded him to use Mach Punch again, this time against a set of fiery circles. Smooth as butter, Pancham punched right through the embers with ease and remained unharmed.

An hour had passed, Serena finished her performance with their signature move.

“Let’s end it with a Will-o-Wisp, formed into a circle!” She told her Braixen, to which she gracefully formed the wisps. She clapped her hands and Pancham, who was at the opposite end of the tavern, ran up to the wisps and jumped through the circle without a single burn.

The audience cheered as she and her Pokemon bowed before recalling them back to their Pokeballs. As she stepped into the hallway, she stopped for a while and looked back at the cheering audience, before walking back to his room, a smile formed on her lips. She felt appreciated by the locals, and that warmed Serena’s heart.

As soon as his performance ended, the drunk man came back to the room with a small battery-operated boombox, and the patrons watched in curiosity. As he turned it on, a wave of old rock and roll music had hit their ears, with the man dancing wildly and the people cheered him on.

Meanwhile, Gloria went upstairs to mop the floor, only to see that one room had a light on. She realized that the performer's room was right in front of her, so she continued to mop the floor earnestly until her right foot accidentally kicked down the bucket. "Dang it!" She tried to reach for it, only for Serena to take the small bar of soap while she was in the middle of doing her make-up with her Braixen.

"Is this yours?" The performer asked. Gloria nodded.

Serena then covered the small bar of soap with a handkerchief, with the small bar now turned into a large bar of soap by taking off the napkin. She gasped and looked at the bar of soap.

"Wow! Thanks, Ma’am." She took the bar of soap and smiled. "Are there any clothes that I could wash for you tonight?"

Serena nodded and gave Gloria her dirty clothes. She took out a dollar from her hair and gave it to her as a tip, to which she accepted and pocketed it.

"I'll do my best to get rid of the dirt off the clothes." Gloria took the bucket and placed the dirty clothes and bar of soap in it, and walked down the stairs, but not before giving Serena a smile.

At the other end of the room was a young boy who witnessed everything. Thinking that the performer was a miracle maker, he took his broken Mareep toy and approached Serena.

“U-um, miss…? Can you please make Ms. Mareep all better…?” The young boy showed the broken toy from the palm of his hands. Serena hummed and gave the young lad a warm smile.

“Of course. Just give me one moment.” She took the broken toy and used some of the glue she had left in her suitcase to piece the broken head back onto its neck again. She carefully huffed and puffed, until the glue dried up. “Here you go, good as new.” Serena said as she handed the newly fixed toy back to the young boy.

“Oh, wow! Thank you, miss! Mr. Mareep is going to be happy now that she’s all well!” He remarked which caused Serena and her Braixen to giggle lightly.

“Well, you better take loving care of Ms. Mareep from now on, okay? Now then, go back to bed and get a good night’s rest.” She said to the boy, and he nodded before he went back to his room.

“Whew, what a night.” She remarked as she finished applying powder on her nose.

“Braixen?”

“Heh, I’m okay Braixen. I’m just… I don’t know what to say. I guess I’m happy that not all our performances are a bust. For once, we got ourselves a small break.”

“Braixen, Brai…”

She patted Braixen on the head, before she headed back to her bed. “We just have to keep on trying, no matter what. Never give up until it’s over, right?”

Braixen nodded at the young girl’s newfound determination. “Braixen!”

“That’s the spirit. Now come on, let’s go to bed.”

_____________________________________________

The next day, after walking on the beach with the drunk man, she went back up to her room only to find her clothes cleaned and dried. She checked the clothes for any leftover dirt, only to be disturbed by Gloria who shyly entered the room with a basket of dry socks.

"I did my best to clean your clothes, it was a bit hard to remove the stains, but it wasn't a challenge for me." she said meekly.

Serena approached the young girl and gave her a dollar from her wallet to which Gloria smiled.

She noticed the other dirty clothes and went on to grab them.

"Oh, no no no, that's alright I uh-" Serena tried to tell gloria that it's all right, but the girl has her clothes now for cleaning

“I guess it’s okay. Just please be careful with them, okay?” She asked.

“Yes, Ma’am! I’ll do my best.” Gloria happily exclaimed.

As she tried to exit the room, she almost tripped over when the sole of her right boot broke loose. She looked at her now broken shoe and back to Serena, with an awkward smile. "It's alright, I can always fix it again," she said, before stepping out of the room.

“What a nice girl… she reminds me of my mother.” Serena happily remarked.

After she was paid by the bartender for her performance, Serena and Braixen went for a walk around the small town to look for anything he could bring home with them. She considered buying the delicacies again but instead went for candies for her Pokemon.

“Braixen, Brai.” Braixen remarked.

“I know, Braixen. But we must try and save our money for something that we might need on our next journey. Don’t worry, though. After this, I’ll make some Macarons for us! What do you say?

“Braixen!” she happily exclaimed.

“Heh. I’m sure Pancham would love that, too.”

As she was about to head back to the tavern, they came across a small clothing store that showed off a pair of blue shoes in the display window. She remembered that the young girl who washed her clothes had a terrible broken pair of shoes. Serena lit up a cigarette and smoked for a while, and then made her decision afterwards.

She entered the store and purchased the pair of blue shoes as a parting gift for the young girl.

Meanwhile, in the Tavern, Gloria entered the room to deliver the now clean clothes for the honey-blonde performer, only to find the occupant in the room was her Pancham who was asleep on the bed. Placing down the basket of clothes, she noticed from the window that snow had begun to fall, and she felt the cold creeping in her body. Placing three pieces of charcoal in the fireplace, she lit it up and made herself comfortable, sitting by the chair to wait for Serena and to hand over the clean clothes.

An hour had passed, Serena came back with snow on his shoulders. She smiled when she noticed Gloria sitting on the chair.

"Hello, young girl." she greeted, “Are you comfortable?”

"Oh! Ms. Serena! I didn't notice you just arrived!" she said, immediately standing up and brushing aside the stray strand of hair. "I uh, was waiting for you, ma’am. Your clothes have been cleaned and dried." she smiled lightly.

"Thank you. Sit down for a moment, I have something to show you." She hid the small box of shoes with her napkin and showed it to her, before pulling off the napkin to reveal the pair of blue shoes. "It's for you."

Gloria’s eyes lit up, in front of her was a pair of brand-new blue shoes, and all for her. She was convinced that this came from her “performance magic”. "Wow… thanks so much, Ms. Serena!"

"You can call me Serena. What's your name, young lady?" she asked.

“Gloria” she said, “My name is Gloria.”

"Well, Gloria, I can't help but notice that your old shoes are ragged and broken. So here, I got you a pair of shoes for you, so you won't trip over again."

"Thank you, Serena." She took the shoes and put them on her feet, which was a perfect fit. She smiled lightly as the new feel of the shoes welcomed her feet with comfort and heat.

"You're welcome, Gloria. Now go on, I must pack up my belongings for tomorrow."

She frowned at what he said. To see the great performer and her Pokemon leave would mean her world would be boring again. Nevertheless, she left the room and gave her some time packing up.

Yet, she decided in her mind that she would follow Serena and live a life full of color and magic with her. She didn’t want to let the opportunity pass. For someone who can conjure a set of shoes and a bar of soap, she genuinely believed that her dream of living in the bigger outside world was about to be fulfilled with the majestic performer.

Dragonfree · Oct 16, 2022

Chapter 1

Aww, Serena is really down on her luck. The background hint that she used to perform with Ash is intriguing, bet that's going to be important later. I have not seen the film this is based on, so it's unfortunately going to be hard for me to discern what here is stuff from the movie and what is your own additions - apologies in advance for that! (I have seen the other, 2006 film also called The Illusionist, however, which I initially thought was what this was based on. Turned out it is very much not.

)

We start off seeing Serena messing up her performance, and then move on to Serena having bored everyone with her performance a year later, and then see her fail to find an audience at the Motostoke theater - so I was actually kind of surprised when I flipped back to early in the chapter and noticed that the dialogue suggests that in between those two points in time, Serena was apparently reasonably popular. (“Yeah, I know. Not a lot of Pokemon Performers these days would bother performing when they’re not as popular as they used to be.”) Maybe it would've been neat to see a scene from the height of her career too, so that we could get a sense of what things used to be like for her, and not get the impression she's just been slaving away on a career that's been a total failure for her the entire time? It does change things for her suggested mental state a fair bit if she did see success, and now it's all fading away somehow, but it's a little easy to miss as it is, since we only see her repeatedly failing in different ways.

I assumed in the first scene that Serena was new to performing, and that that was why she and Braixen were awkward and making mistakes - that seems natural and normal for a new performer who's only just learning the ropes and getting used to being up on stage in front of a crowd. But in the 2008 conversation where she gets laid off, Jack states that she's been doing the same tricks for the past few years, which suggests in the 2007 scene she'd already been performing for at least one if not more years, with the same tricks that she bungles there. I'm having some trouble reconciling that - did she just have really unfortunate luck that one night for some reason in the middle of being otherwise successful? I suspect you just accidentally wrote two different time indicators for something that was meant to match up there, but I'm not quite sure.

Either way, getting laid off the way she was from a theater that was practically a second home, ouch. Interested to see where Ash comes into that, too - presumably he was at the same theater, and we're going to learn the backstory behind why he isn't performing with her these days anymore. (Exactly how old is Serena here...?)

I balked a little at the Motostoke theater just delaying the remaining schedule to let a singer perform an encore for a whole extra hour! Wouldn't people have already bought tickets for Serena's show and get pretty mad when the show they paid for starts an entire hour late? No wonder there's barely any audience by the time her show does start! (Also - the lever boy says the singer requested an extra hour before he started (and then why didn't they let Serena know?), but then the singer says the fangirls just wanted an encore because they loved his performance so much, i.e. after the end of the scheduled show. Am I misunderstanding something or are these two different explanations? Normally I would have assumed the singer was just lying to make himself sound more popular, but the story doesn't really sound like it since it makes a point of how he really does have adoring fangirls.) Hard not to blame the theater people more than anyone here.

Serena feeling bad because her Pokémon feel like it's their fault is tragic - sweet that she tries to cheer them up and resolves to never give up, though.

Interesting start, all in all. I think you do a nice job of showing Serena trying her hardest with the deck stacked against her, and it's sweet how she and her Pokémon try to reassure each other as nothing ever seems to go right. I'm going to check out chapter two as well since this one was fairly short.

There were some grammar/punctuation fumbles and misused words going on here and there, so I wrote some long-winded tips on that under the spoiler.

A minute has passed and the silence that filled the air had been replaced with the sound of a man tapping his microphone.

Should be "had passed". In general, you do some slipping into present tense here and there in this story - in general, in English, you should write in a consistent tense, so that the primary timeline of events is either entirely in the past or entirely in the present. Here, it looks like most of the story is written in the past tense, so better to stick to that - in that case, there should almost never be any present-tense verbs in the narration at all.

Serena, who goes by the stage name “The Queen of Kalos” looked at the audience left and right, before taking a bow.

Slipping into present tense again with "goes". Also, some wobbly comma use:

- When you have an insertion like "who goes by the stage name 'The Queen of Kalos'", which you could remove from the sentence entirely and it'd still work, you should have commas on both sides of it - so, a comma after "The Queen of Kalos" as well.
- Meanwhile, you don't need a comma before "before" there. "Before taking a bow" there is what's called a dependent clause, a chunk of sentence beginning with a word like "when", "before", "after", "as", "because", etc. which couldn't stand on its own as a complete sentence. When you place one of those before the rest of the sentence, there should be a comma after it ("Before taking a bow, Serena looked at the audience left and right"), but when you place it after, like here, there shouldn't be a comma.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I, The Queen of Kalos, shall dazzle you with a world of magic!” She announced triumphantly, only to receive a few claps from the audience.

Here, "She announced triumphantly" is a speech tag - the quote is what she announced, rather than being separate from the act of her announcing something. When you have a speech tag after a piece of dialogue, you should not capitalize the first letter of it, even if the quote ends in an exclamation mark which would conventionally have a capital letter after it, because a speech tag is treated as part of the same sentence as the quote.

I was a little thrown by the phrasing of "only to receive a few claps from the audience", because normally "only to..." means what follows is some unexpected result of what came before, so it sounds like she wasn't expecting to receive claps at all. What the sentence actually seems to be getting at, in context, is that she was expecting more applause but only got a few claps - but this is an entirely different sort of only, so it doesn't quite read as that. I would sugest rephrasing this - maybe "but received only a few claps from the audience"?

Giving it one last nudge, she managed to pull out her Pokeball, which caused her belt to snap! As she tried her best to regain her composure and placed the belt on her shoulder, she threw up her Pokeball and summoned Braixen!

Not necessarily wrong or anything, but usually with an impersonal third-person narrator, like you seem to have here, it sounds a little odd to have exclamation marks in the narration.

Sighing, she took out a cigarette from her small cigar case and lit it up.

“What a night…”, she uttered. Taking a drag from her cigar

The ellipsis inside the quote serves the same purpose that a comma would, so you don't need the comma outside the quote there.

A cigar and a cigarette are two different things - cigars are the kind of bulky, fancy, usually brown ones that tend to be associated with the stereotypical rich banker and so on, while cigarettes are the common white-and-tan rolls you see average people smoke day-to-day. I suspect you mean a cigarette? In which case it's also probably not in a cigar case, but I don't know much about smoking so I'm not sure exactly what you're referring to there or what it should be called.

But one picture she kept close is an image of her as a young girl with a young man next to her, she wore a simple white dress and a hat, and the man wore a simple set of clothes adorned with a z-like shape birthmark on his cheeks.

This is actually two complete sentences that could stand on their own: But one picture she kept close is an image of her as a young girl with a young man next to her and She wore a simple white dress and a hat, and the man wore a simple set of clothes adorned with a z-like shape birthmark on his cheeks. When this is the case, and it's not being presented as a list of things, just a comma isn't enough to connect them - you want either a period, a semicolon, or a comma with a conjunction such as "and", "but", etc. Here I'd probably just go with a period, since they work fine as two adjacent sentences.

This paragraph also slips into present tense a fair bit, and the phrasing of "a z-like shape birthmark" feels a little odd to me - I think you may want something like "a birthmark in a z-like shape"?

She placed down her cigar on the tray as she took out a piece of Macaron from the box

I don't think Macaron is a proper noun, so that shouldn't be capitalized. You do this again later in the chapter, both with "Volcano" and again with "Macaron".

“Yeah, I know. Not a lot of Pokemon Performers these days would bother performing when they’re not as popular as they used to be.” She told Braixen,

“But it’s better than being homeless, am I right?” She looked at her Braixen with a smile.

Speech tags like "She told Braixen" are considered part of the same sentence as the quote that goes with them, and you wouldn't put a paragraph break in the middle of a sentence - ending a paragraph with a comma should never happen. Since Serena is still speaking in the second paragraph, you don't really need a paragraph break there at all, but if you really wanted one, to convey a pause or the like, you'd want to put it before the sentence, so before "She told Braixen" - or, of course, you could attach the speech tag to the previous quote instead, like this:

“Yeah, I know. Not a lot of Pokemon Performers these days would bother performing when they’re not as popular as they used to be,” she told Braixen.

“Good evening, Serena.” He greeted.

“Good evening, Jack.” Serena greeted in return.

Since "he greeted" is a speech tag - "Good evening, Serena" is what the greeting was - the quote should end in a comma and "he" should be uncapitalized, and likewise in the second line.

“Just get to the point, Jack. You don’t need to go in circles to tell me.” She spoke.

This should also be a speech tag, but the word "spoke" isn't really a speech tag sort of word, so it sounds a bit odd - it's better to just go with "said" here. In general, I notice you use a lot of unusual speech tags - uttered, greeted, spoke - but those can get sort of distracting; sometimes people get told they shouldn't use "said", but it's a perfectly fine invisible word that gets out of the reader's way, and if there isn't something very particular about the way they said it that you want to convey, it's usually best to just go with said.

In general, it'd be good to brush up on how dialogue punctuation works, as there are other errors like this - there are many websites that will walk you through how to punctuate different cases.

As tears gracefully escaped her eyes, she set down the envelope and sat back down, sobbing as she took her cigarette.

Saying the tears escaped her eyes "gracefully" feels a bit odd - people who are crying usually aren't very graceful, and even if they were, bringing attention to that when they're in emotional distress kind of diminishes the effect!

"Ah, well it's good to save money. You don't know when you'll need them nowadays!"

Money is a singular (uncountable) noun in English, so you'd say "You don't know when you'll need it nowadays".

"That's alright with me. I prefer to perform in the evening. Here's my poster." Serena showed the manager her bright blue poster, with her adorning her signature white dress.”

You seem to have accidentally put a closing quote at the end of this line.

"Adorning" has a similar meaning to "decorating" - so her dress can adorn her body, maybe, but she can't adorn the dress. You want a different verb or phrase here, like "wearing" or "dressed in".

He stepped back, surprised that the singer was still performing.

He stepped back? Should that be she?

She sighed, frustrated that she lost an hour's worth of performance. Alas, she kept her cool and sat back down, waiting for her turn.

I believe "alas" would be used to express that what follows is regrettable - but it's not regrettable that she kept her cool, so that doesn't quite seem to fit. Maybe "Regardless", or a sentence like "But there was no helping it", would express better what you mean?

He then looked at Serena "Sorry about that old timer, the girl's needed an extra hour of my lovely voice."

You're missing a period after "Serena" there. Since the girls are just many girls, a plural, rather than a possessive (something that belongs to the girls) or a contraction of "girl is", you want "girls" rather than "girl's".

“Then it’s settled! We’ll keep on performing until we find a theater that can accept us!” She triumphantly declared, with a set of words lingered in her mind as she made the declaration.

In a sentence like this with "with...", you want "lingering" rather than "lingered".

Chapter 2

I enjoy the first scene here, with Serena wistfully thinking back on their better days and Braixen worrying about her and her reassuring her everything will be fine. You captured a nice somber mood as her mind wanders, and the theme of Serena feeling bad for making her Pokémon worry about her comes back with the pretty sweet bit with Braixen.

Can't believe nobody even notices Serena's whole flashy light show. These audiences don't deserve her efforts, man.

“I know, Pancham. But we must give our best, no matter what.” She declared as Serena raised her fist in the air. “I know it’s what he would’ve wanted…”

“Pan…?”

“Mhm. I’m sure Ash is proud of us. Wherever he is now…

I enjoyed seeing more of Serena's show this chapter and the sorts of things she does - in chapter one we basically only ever saw a glimpse of one trick, but seeing more of the creativity of what she does with it makes it feel a lot more impressive, and that's appropriate when you're showing her finally picking up a captive audience.

"Is this yours?" The performer asked. Gloria nodded.

Serena then covered the small bar of soap with a handkerchief, with the small bar now turned into a large bar of soap by taking off the napkin. She gasped and looked at the bar of soap.

"Wow! Thanks, Ma’am." She took the bar of soap and smiled. "Are there any clothes that I could wash for you tonight?"

Serena nodded and gave Gloria her dirty clothes. She took out a dollar from her hair and gave it to her as a tip, to which she accepted and pocketed it.

This is very cute.

At the other end of the room was a young boy who witnessed everything. Thinking that the performer was a miracle maker, he took his broken Mareep toy and approached Serena.

“U-um, miss…? Can you please make Ms. Mareep all better…?” The young boy showed the broken toy from the palm of his hands. Serena hummed and gave the young lad a warm smile.

“Of course. Just give me one moment.” She took the broken toy and used some of the glue she had left in her suitcase to piece the broken head back onto its neck again. She carefully huffed and puffed, until the glue dried up. “Here you go, good as new.” Serena said as she handed the newly fixed toy back to the young boy.

“Oh, wow! Thank you, miss! Mr. Mareep is going to be happy now that she’s all well!” He remarked which caused Serena and her Braixen to giggle lightly.

“Well, you better take loving care of Ms. Mareep from now on, okay? Now then, go back to bed and get a good night’s rest.” She said to the boy, and he nodded before he went back to his room.

Also very cute! I enjoy how this isn't even pretending to be magic at all and she's just kind and has some glue and the kid is still impressed, and she tells him to take good care of Ms. Mareep from now on. Bless her.

Serena trying to do nice things for Gloria too, aww. This is shaping up to be very wholesome. Gloria must be a bit younger than Serena here, right? Based on what I read about the film there's a father-daughter sort of thing going on between the illusionist and the girl there - but it doesn't sound like Serena's been performing for that long, so I'm guessing they're at least a bit closer together in age here?

Either way, a sweet fic! I'm a little confused on some things, but it's off to a cute start and it sounds like Serena and Gloria will continue to develop a found family relationship which sounds lovely. Hope Gloria gets to befriend Pancham and Braixen as well, they're all very pure.

Disappointed at the lack of viewers in the last theater, Serena and her companions had set out to perform at a formal party in the outskirts of Motostoke City, to which they easily accepted her application which gave Serena some suspicion. Nevertheless, she got paid upfront so Serena was set to perform even if no one would pay attention to her

Missing a period at the end of this paragraph.

Serena pondered on how to captivate younger audiences for a long time but gave up after her decline as a Pokemon Performer.

I believe you just "ponder something", not "ponder on something".

It sounds like what you're saying here was that in the past she used to ponder on this, rather than that she did so at the current point in the story's timeline, so when the story is written in the past tense, you want to write "had pondered" here, to indicate this is something that happened even further in the past.

The party on the outskirts of Motostoke City had kicked off, wealthy elites mingled and drank wine as they watched, a local opera singer sang her heart out as she performed a classic song called "the Kalosian waltz"

If "The Kalosian Waltz" is the title of the song, conventionally the title would have each important word capitalized like that in English. (You can look up title capitalization for more information; there are various different style guides for different edge cases, but they'd all agree on The Kalosian Waltz.)

Keep your cool, Serena. Just keep on performing… She thought to herself as she called out her Pancham onto the scene.

In the previous chapter, you italicized direct thoughts like this - good to keep that sort of thing consistent. (Also, direct thoughts, where you quote exactly what the person is thinking, should actually be punctuated the same way as dialogue - so she thought should not be capitalized.)

From what she could read from the pamphlet that he brought with her; The Isle of Armor is a developing rural town that has a total population of 2,000.

Semicolons are used either to separate two complete sentences that could each stand on their own or to separate items in a list of things, especially when an individual item might contain commas. Since "From what she could read from the pamphlet that he brought with her" (should that be that she brought with her?) is not a complete sentence on its own, the semicolon is incorrect here - you just want a regular comma.

Hours had passed from driving after overcoming simple obstacles, Serena and the man finally arrived at the small town.

"Hours had passed from driving after overcoming simple obstacles" doesn't quite make sense, and I'm not quite sure what you mean by it. Did they first overcome simple obstacles and then drive for hours? Or did they spend hours all in all, first overcoming simple obstacles and then driving? Or did they overcome simple obstacles while driving? You've got it at the beginning of a sentence like it's a dependent clause, but it doesn't actually start with one of the kinds of words that indicate that. Maybe "After hours of driving and overcoming obstacles", or something like that? I think the "simple" sort of works against the point of the sentence a bit - if the main idea is to say that this took hours, surely if the obstacles were simple that's not really why it took so long, right? (Unless the real point is Serena being frustrated that it took them longer than it should have to get past the simplest of obstacles, in which case you could phrase it to make it sound like that - "After hours of having to drive long detours to get past the simplest of obstacles...")

"Yes, that would be me. I am Serena, this is my Pancham, and I have accepted your friend's offer to perform in your local town. As such, I have brought my poster with me to promote my image should the need for another performance arrive."

Her phrasing here feels a little unusually formal - not sure if that's the intention. Wording like "As such" and "should the need for another performance arrive" is something you'd be more likely to see in writing or a formal announcement than in conversation. Though maybe Serena is deliberately trying to be stiff and formal with the person who might be hosting her next performance!

(I also think you want "should the need for another performance arise" - I believe that's the phrase, rather than "arrive".)

"Ah, that is lovely. I know just where to put it..." he took the poster and placed it on the large dartboard, placing darts on the corners to make it stick. "Easy as pie. Your room is on the first right, then turn on the first left. It's not hard to miss it."

Since "He took the poster and placed it on the large dartboard" is not a speech tag - it's not describing how he says the quote at all - it should be capitalized like a normal sentence.

"It's not hard to miss it" means that the room could easily be missed (overlooked), but his instructions are very simple, so that doesn't seem right - I think you may have been going for the common phrase "You can't miss it" which people often say when giving simple directions?

Now Braixen! Use Will-o-Wisp followed by Light Screen!” Serena commanded, and Braixen conjured up a set of wisps dazzled by a set of light screens.

Missing an opening quote here.

She rubbed her eyes to see if she was dreaming, only to see that what he just did was all real.

Another "he" that should presumably be "she"?

As soon as his performance ended

And another, "his" that should be "her".

The next day, after walking on the beach with the drunk man

Has he actually been drunk this whole time...? If not, maybe giving his name at some point would make sense, rather than continuing to use that as an epithet... Surely he would've introduced himself to Serena at some point, right?

She frowned at what he said.

And another "he" that should be "she".

Spiteful Murkrow · Oct 18, 2022

Heya, wound up a bit tighter on time and energy than I anticipated this weekend, but I’m here for my Review Roulette review, so I’ll be poking my head in for your story’s first chapter.

Chapter 1

Kalos, 2007

On the stage set of Plaza Theater, a small crowd composed of middle-aged men and women awaited the stage speaker’s opening announcement ~~of the stage speaker~~ as they waited for the show to start. A minute had passed and the silence that filled the air had been replaced with the sound of a man tapping his microphone.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, continuing our evening of magic, the Plaza Theater is proud to present The Queen of Kalos!”

Wait, is ‘The Queen of Kalos’ a title of a person or a play or something? Since if it’s the latter, you probably want to italicize it to make it stand out. Also, there were some verb tensing / word ordering things that felt a little iffy to me, so if you see similar markup elsewhere in this review, that’s what’s going on.

The curtains tried to give way for the performer, but they didn't budge. The man tried again, to no avail.

“Ahem, apologies. It seems we have some difficulties. Please, give your warm applause again for The Queen of Kalos!”

Oh, so ‘The Queen of Kalos’ is the name of the actor, huh? I dunno whether or not ‘the’ should technically be lowercased in this context or not, but eh. I won’t sweat it too much. Though I wonder who we’re dealing with here…

The man whispered and signaled the performer hastily as the curtains proved inefficient for the reveal of her introduction. After a few seconds, the performer stepped out. She sported a starry cape, a hat, and a wonderful red dress that would leave any Pokemon performer jealous. Serena, who ~~goes~~ went by the stage name “The Queen of Kalos” looked at the audience left and right, before taking a bow. Serena sighed deeply as she fixed her blue bowtie.

Well, I wasn’t expecting that one. I guess this is supposed to be a sequel fic or something like that to XY?

Though something about the way Serena’s name is brought up here. It might be worth considering flipping the order of the second-to-last sentence around a little along the lines of this:

She was “The Queen of Kalos”, or “Serena” when not throwing about her stage name in front of an audience. She looked over her audience scanning from left to right, before taking a bow.

Some food for thought, anyways. I might not be putting my finger quite on the solution, but something about the way “Serena” is first brought up felt a bit abrupt to me.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, I, The Queen of Kalos, shall dazzle you with a world of magic!” she announced triumphantly, only to receive a few claps from the audience.

She sighed internally but smiled and kept the show going. She tried to pull out her Pokeball from her belt, but it proved to be problematic as it was slightly stuck. Giving it one last nudge, she managed to pull out her Pokeball, which caused her belt to snap! As she tried her best to regain her composure and placed the belt on her shoulder, she threw up her Pokeball and summoned Braixen!

Would recommend breaking this paragraph up, since Serena’s reaction feels fairly distinct from her line of dialogue.

Serena: “... Yeesh, tough crowd.” ._.;

“Now, Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp followed by Fire Spin!” she commanded. As Braixen was about to perform her moves, her twig snapped! This earned her trainer an awkward smile as her audience chuckled at her Braixen.

Serena:

Braixen: “*Oi, you’re not the one who’s getting laughed at onstage here!” >///<

Kalos, 2008

In the same theater one year later, Serena had just finished performing with her Braixen and Pancham to an audience who ~~kept~~ sported bored looks. Picking up the ~~stuff~~ effects she pulled out from her hat, Serena went back to her stage room, and ~~placed~~ put away all the things ~~back~~ she used for tonight’s performance. Sighing, she took out a cigarette from her small cigar case and lit it up.

Yeah, I take it that Serena’s been aged up a bit since the games if she’s lighting up. Sounds like that performing career’s really been panning out, huh?

Serena: “Ugh, I need a damn smoke.” >_>;

“What a night…”, she uttered. Taking a drag from her cigar, she sat down and began to apply powder to her nose to keep the sweat away. “Another night, another performance.”

Reminder to keep Serena’s choice of tobacco consistent. Cigars are pretty different from cigarettes in size and how they are handled while smoking.

On the mirror were pictures posted on the side of the glass, containing various memories from her young days as a Pokemon Performer. On the right was her picture of the day she won the title as Queen of Kalos, on the left was an image of her and her old friends. But one picture she kept close was an image of her as a young girl with a young man next to her, she wore a simple white dress and a hat, and the man wore a simple set of clothes adorned with a z-like shape birthmark on his cheeks.

She sighed, taking another drag from her cigarette as she looked at her younger self in the photo. A few seconds later, Braixen approached her with puppy eyes and flopped down ears.

“Braixen, Brai…”

Not sure who that man is, but noted for the future then. That said, you want to come down hard on one or the other verb tense for present or past tense here, since this is a singular moment playing out here, so it doesn’t make sense to intermix present tense for describing things actively happening with past tense of things having happened. I assumed you intended to do past tense, though just tweak things the other way around if that’s not right.

“Yeah, I got you. It’s okay Braixen. I know it’s not your fault.”

She placed down her cigar on the tray as she took out a ~~piece of~~ macaron from the box, handing it over to Braixen to which she graciously accepted. [ ]

“Yeah, I know. Not a lot of Pokemon Performers these days would bother performing when they’re not as popular as they used to be.” She told Braixen.

“But it’s better than being homeless, am I right?” She looked at her Braixen with a smile.

IMO this sequence would work a bit better if you described Serena’s facial expression or something before speaking up, and then hacked off the rest of the first part of her line into its own thing. Also, unless the macaron was divided into individual pieces or partially eaten, wouldn’t Serena have given a macaron to Braixen?

Braixen:

Serena: “Oh come on, not you too right now.” >_>;

“Braixen…” Braixen cooed as she patted Serena’s shoulder. [ ]

“I know, Braixen…” she said and sighed as she went back to her daily dose of smoking, which was rudely interrupted by a loud knocking at the door.

“One second!” As she took one last drag, Serena opened the door expecting her package, only to be greeted by the manager of the theater.

IMO this would’ve had a bit more impact if you showed more reaction from Serena to Braixen. Like does she look over at Braixen? Pet her back?

Something to consider there.

“Good evening, Serena.” He greeted.

“Good evening, Jack.” Serena greeted in return.

“Listen, Serena… I got news, and well…” Jack said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

If Jack is supposed to be an important character for this story, you probably want to give more detail about him in some capacity, since I’m not sure what on earth he’s even supposed to roughly look like at the moment.

“Just get to the point, Jack. You don’t need to go in circles to tell me.” She spoke.

Jack sighed as he threw down the cigar and stepped on it. “You’re laid off, Serena. Starting tonight.”

… Ouch.

Though did you mean “cigarette” there? Since a cigar’s a wee bit big to put out in such a fashion. Though anywho…

Serena:

Braixen: “*Serena, you already did that once in this review.*” >_>;

[ ]

“What? Jack, you can’t do that to me. I’ve worked in this theater ever since I started my career as a Pokemon Performer!” Serena cried ~~said with a raised voice~~.

This IMO would’ve benefitted a lot from having a moment where Serena freezes and you let the moment of shock set in. Like is this a moment that is catching her off guard? Is it something that she’s been expecting and dreading for a while?

Lots of potential ways this could play out in terms of fine details, but in the present version we don’t get a lot of them.

Jack:

“I know, I know, and I respect that. But the audience, they’re bored of the same tricks and the same performance you’ve been doing for the past few years. Nowadays, people want new entertainment, and- “

Serena interrupted him, “So, this is what it’s all about, huh? You want to replace me with a set of boy bands who barely know a thing or two about entertainment from who knows where?”

Jack:

Serena:

Jack: “Look, Serena. I’ve got a theater to run, and empty seats don’t help me pay the taxes.” >_>;

[ ]

“Sadly, you’re right on that one. Look, I appreciate your contributions to this theater, but even you should know when your time is up,” Jack sighed. “Just look at the audience tonight, they’re so bored you could hear the Kricketot’s singing outside! Your ticket sales are barely meeting the minimum chart, and the theater is losing a lot of money trying to promote you! No offense, Serena, but this is business! This is nothing personal!”

[ ]

“This IS personal to me, Jack! This theater is practically my second home! I grew up performing in this theater even before you became my manager!” She shouted.

Jack sighed and took out an envelope from his suit. “Sorry, but this is the best I can do. This is the last salary that I can give. From now on, you’re laid off. I’m so sorry, Serena. But I must keep the business afloat. Nothing personal, but keeping you in here has cost the theater a lot of money…”

Oh hey, Jack literally makes the same argument I did in the last cutaway gag. :V

This part in particular definitely felt like it’d have benefited a lot from stopping to show off the body language and reactions and the like from Jack and Serena, since it’d both help with characterization and with little indications of what their emotional states are.

Also, you probably want to have Jack frame things as something other than “you’re laid off” since he said that verbatim like 2 paragraphs before this block. Something like “From now on, you’ll need to perform elsewhere.” feels like it could do the trick quite nicely.

Serena: “Jack, could you twist the knife any harder right now?” >_>;
Jack: “I mean, I could’ve just told you that your routine sucks and your audiences reflect that, but I was trying to be polite.”

Serena took the envelope and sighed. “You’re not sorry and you know it. You just care about the profits.” She said before she slammed the door shut.

I mean, this is a for-profit enterprise, so…

As tears gracefully escaped her eyes, she set down the envelope and sat back down, sobbing as she took her cigarette.

Yeah, this is part of the reason why I suggested dropping in more description earlier, since this scene reads pretty differently if Serena was starting to panic and cry earlier versus if she managed to keep up a steely face the entire time and is just now starting to lose her composure. It’s a bit hard to get a feel for what the intended vibe was supposed to be there.

I can’t believe this! He’s kicking me out for real! I can’t afford to lose the theater that I grew up in! Yet, even if I fight it, it’s not going to work. Serena thought to herself, only to be disrupted by her Braixen who held her left arm, concerned for her trainer.

“Braixen…”

“Perhaps our time is up. I guess it’s time for us to move on…”

Braixen: “*... Serena, aren’t you being just a little defeatist here?*” .-.

“Brai…”

She patted Braixen’s cheeks and gave her a sad smile. “It’s okay, Braixen… we’ll figure things out like we always do. Never give up until it’s over…”

I find it kinda interesting that Serena is talking about never giving up until things are over while in the last block, she seemed to resign herself to getting booted from the theater. I’m not sure if it was deliberate or not, but it definitely gives me a vibe of Serena being the type to put on a brave face in front of her companions even if she has to bottle up some nastier thoughts and feelings inside.

Two days after she was laid off from the theater, Serena had set off to work at a different theater in the region of Galar. After she was given the offer from a manager her friend referred her to, she packed her belongings and accepted the new manager’s offer. Serena carried only one travel case with the rest of her Pokeballs neatly tucked in.

Well that was a sudden jump. I kinda wonder if there should’ve been more internal commentary about this from Serena, since she’s literally jumping to another part of the world with a noticeably different local culture than Kalos’ for this job. How does Serena parse all of that?

I should get a bigger travel case, she thought to herself.

For Serena, Motostoke was ~~a city~~ too big of a city for her liking, but ~~knowing that this is a big city~~ in a place like it, ~~it means that~~ she could still make it as a Pokemon performer. Arriving at the Emporium Bay Theater, she adjusted her blue bowtie and entered the theater, only to be greeted by a man who wore a bright yellow suit.

… Waaaaait, but isn’t Lumiose Wyndon-tier in terms of depicted size? Just where was Serena performing prior to this in Kalos, and if it was in a small town, how come she didn’t try the local big cities before trying her luck in a whole different region?

"Ah, hello! You must be Serena!" The man said.

"Yes, that is me. Are you the manager that I spoke to two days ago?" Serena asked.

"Yes, that would be me! My name is Higgins. Come, come! Let's talk in my office." He gestured to follow him.

[ ]
"So, how's your stay in Motostoke City? Grand, I presume?" The manager asked.

It feels like you’re missing quite a bit of description here, since if this theater is going to be a recurring location, you want to take some time to describe what the Emporium Bay Theater looks like a bit, since I would suspect that Higgins would lead Serena through the theater to his office and that Serena would be seeing things.

As it stands, it reads as if these two are just talking right here on the street at the theater entrance.

"It's alright. I stayed at a cheap hotel for the night." Serena responded. She felt like she could leave a big impression if she lied, but she knew that honesty was always the best option.

"Ah, well it's good to save money. You never ~~don't~~ know when you'll need ~~them~~ it nowadays!"

"Yeah, definitely."

I’m tripping up a bit over how to suggest working it in, but you probably want to drop in some description here both to show how the wheels in Serena’s head are ticking, and to give the audience more of an idea of what Higgins is like here, both in appearance if you don’t opt to take care of that earlier and especially in temperament.

Serena sat down on the chair, making sure that her dress was still clean for impression. "Tea or Coffee?" The manager asked.

"Water would do."

A moment later, the manager sat back down and gave her a glass of water.

Waaaaaait, when were we ever described explicitly reaching Higgins’ office again? Since I could’ve sworn that that hadn’t happened yet.

"Okay, so here's the deal. You can perform tonight and if it works well, you can definitely stay here."

"That is great to hear. What time am I set to perform?" Serena asked, starry eyed at the offer.

"Around 10 PM, we have a famous singer performing tonight and the whole theater is sold out for his performance." The manager said.

Serena:

"That's alright with me. I prefer to perform in the evening. Here's my poster." Serena showed the manager her bright blue poster, with her adorning her signature white dress.”

"Excellent! I'll have it posted outside for customers to see."

Waaaaaaait, is there a reason why there’s a linebreak here that’s different from the earlier ones? You probably want to keep those consistent as a stylistic thing if there’s not a reason for the difference.

Though I’m surprised that Serena didn’t have more commentary to herself in the narration about her scheduled timeslot. Like is she happy that she has a guaranteed audience and confident she can make a good first impression? Is she getting butterflies in her stomach from stage anxiety? It’s a little hard to get a solid reading on her here.

It was five minutes before the show ended, and Serena patiently waited backstage, donning her performer's outfit. She watched the singer perform from the backstage monitors ~~to try and~~ and tried to stave off the boredom of having to wait for five full hours.

“He has some talent; I’ll give him that…”

“Braixen, Brai.”

[ ]

“I know, Braixen. I’m anxious too. But we must perform and nail it today!”

This is another bit that feels like it’d have benefitted from some reaction from Serena to Braixen there. It’s one of those things that feels like it’d have helped make things a bit more “alive” here.

Knowing that his performance would end, she stood up and prepared herself for the magical performance. As the curtains went down, she took two steps before the curtains went up again. He stepped back, surprised that the singer was still performing. "What the? Isn't it 10 PM already?" She asked the lever boy.

The lever boy responded, "The singer requested an extra hour before he started. Sorry pal."

Serena: “I’m… not going to get a chance to do my show tonight, am I?” >.<

She sighed, frustrated that she lost an hour's worth of performance. Alas, she kept her cool and sat back down, waiting for her turn.

“Brai…?”

“It’s… it’s okay braixen. We just must wait patiently…”

An hour passed, Serena dusted off her outfit and prepared herself to step in once the curtains went down. She hoped that there wouldn’t be another hour lost to a singer again. As soon as the curtains went down, the singer walked backstage, with a grin on his face.

I kinda feel like there’s been enough of a break since Serena’s line to Braixen that you could’ve added a hard scene cut there. Alternatively, you could’ve dropped in an extra paragraph as a transition to better sell the sense of time passing, but in its present form, it’s a bit sudden.

Serena: “Oh thank goodness, I thought this would never end!”

"The girls loved my performance, so much so that they're begging me to do an encore! Haha!" He then looked at Serena "Sorry about that old timer, the girl's needed an extra hour of my lovely voice."

Serena: “O-Old timer?! Why I oughta-!”

Serena simply replied, "It's alright." Yet deep inside, she could feel the rage building up inside of her, like a swelled-up Volcano.

Alas, she kept her cool and decided that fighting him was not worth the effort. As soon as the singer was out of sight, she stepped onto the stage and summoned Pancham out of her Pokeball, with Braixen in tow.

Oh hey, so I was onto something. :V

“Pancham!” she exclaimed.

[ ]

“Heh, are you ready Pancham?” she asked and received a grin as a reply from the small Pokemon. As the curtain went up, she was surprised to see that all the audience had disappeared. The only ones that remain would be an old lady, and her two grandsons.

The line with exclaiming “Pancham!” feels like it either needs more transition added in or else should be cut entirely.

Serena:

Outside, a wave of fangirls fawned over the singer, blocked by police to prevent them from stampeding over the local celebrity. Some even fought over a poster that he gave to a girl.

Nevertheless, she pushed on and went on to perform.

Which is going to result in Higgins seeing her performance getting crickets and telling her she doesn’t have the job, isn’t it?

“Now, Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp and form a circle!” She commanded as a set of wisps formed in front of her. She clapped her hands to give Pancham the signal, and he jumped right through it without skipping a beat. No applause came from the two young boys, except for the grandmother who smiled at her. Tough crowd.

Braixen: “*... Serena, I think we can just call it a night here.*” >_>;

The next day, she took her poster down from the theater's display box, as she looked onward to find another place to perform at.

“Braixen…”

“Pancham, Pan…”

Braixen: “*Uh… Serena? You doing alright?*” ^^;
Serena:

Serena sighed. Her performance was a bust and she can’t help but feel guilty for making her Pokemon feel like it’s their fault.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault that we failed.” She said as she gave them a pair of macarons. “Tell you what, how about we find ourselves another theater and try our best? Is that good?”

Pancham: “*And we didn’t do this back in Kalos why again...?*” >_>;

“Braixen!” She nodded along with Pancham, eager to lift their trainer’s spirit.

“Then it’s settled! We’ll keep on performing until we find a theater that can accept us!” She triumphantly declared, with a set of words lingered in her mind as she made the declaration.

Never give up until it’s over.

I can already tell that this story is going to do its best to try and get Serena to change her mind there, since boy was that a brutal start for her and her team.

Alright, onto the recap:

I thought the premise was pretty interesting. While it might be me being fairly pigeonholed in terms of the stories that I’ve read, I don’t think that I’ve come across too many stories in this fandom that are explicitly written from an entertainer’s perspective, and it’ll be neat to see if later chapters capture the thought process of an entertainer and what that would look like in a world of Pokémon. I also thought that Serena and her team had a neat dynamic, even if I kinda wish we got to see a bit more of it. It helps establish them as characters to root for, and I was fairly

at the part where Serena’s hope for a big breakthrough very obviously goes up in smoke. You also hinted subtly that this is coming after the events of some branch of canon, so it’s definitely got my attention for how you choose to depict that through the framing of someone who’s normally a supporting character.

As for things that I felt were weaknesses, there are some grammar issues that you should make a point of running through the chapter once at some point to weed them out. The description is really barebones at parts, to the point where it becomes hard to pick up on some characterization details and some moments fall a bit flat. Like there were parts where I had trouble getting a feel for character intent or else what certain people or places looked like, or else didn’t feel sufficiently contextualized like the choice to hop to an entirely new region for a job offer on short notice. Some things don’t feel quite as built up as they should, like it’s a bit difficult to tell how much of Serena’s troubles are genuinely due to shifts in tastes among her audiences and how much of it is from inexperience. I think that part of that is because we don’t really get to see what Serena at her best looks like, though even something as simple as a passing mention in the first scene of how her past audiences used to be noticeably bigger would help sell the sense that Serena’s caught in a situation where her skills are getting left behind by the world around her.

I honestly wish I had more time to get in deeper into this story, though just from the opening chapter, it feels like a piece that has a lot of potential… if with some rough edges to it. I feel that if you took a bit of time to sand those down a bit and take a bit more time to smell the proverbial roses, that you’d have a piece that would be a more head-turning take of Serena from the canon franchise.

Wishing you the best of luck, @CinderArts , and I hope that feedback was helpful for you. ^^

CinderArts · Oct 23, 2022

Torchic W. Pip said:
Hello there! Here for Catnip ~~even though I'm writing this review on Bulbagarden first lmao.~~

This looks like an interesting fic so far! We have some implied history of some sort with Ash, and Serena seems to be down on her luck. Oof. Her friendship with her Pokémon was really sweet to read. And also YES GLORIA AND SERENA INTERACTING!!!!! Yesyesyesyesyesyes they would be BEST FRIENDS. And poor Gloria. Her admiration for Serena is really cute, especially since she believes the illusions are real.

Dragonfree pointed out a lot of the grammatical issues, so I won't touch on that too much. She said everything I was going to say anyway lol. For storywise critiques, I wish we had gotten to see more of Serena's heyday. I think it would make her low points even more impactful, and it would make the shift to modern entertainment forms less jarring. Speaking of which, I also think that a lot of the changes in pop culture (like boy bands) felt a bit too... sudden? Usually shifts in popular culture are a bit more slow and steady. Thinking back on the rise of K-Pop in American pop culture, I remember it started with hearing about them here and there more and more as they were getting more and more popular until they became a part of everyday life.

I'm very interested in the premise of this fic, and of course I'm always down for Kalos fic. Keep it up!

Side note: Which The Illusionist is this fic based on?

This fic is based on The Illusionist (2010) film!

AbraPunk · Oct 24, 2022

Hi, I'm here from Review Roulette!

Decided to check this one out, since I haven't read anything of yours before. So, let's get to the review!

(Obligatory side-note I leave in nearly every review I do: my review style is mainly just live-blog/meme commentary. Sorry if that's not what you're hoping for!)

---

CinderArts said:
On the stage set of Plaza Theater

I googled this and couldn't find anything about it in canon (I got some funny results about a theater showing for the first pokemon movie though, lmao), so maybe you could take some time to describe it, so that readers aren't left trying to figure out what to see? Though that might not be necessary, since from the events of this chapter, it seems unlikely this will be a recurring location.

CinderArts said:
As Braixen was about to perform her moves, her twig snapped!

RIP stick

CinderArts said:
“Braixen, Brai…”

Anime-speech kind of threw me off a little bit here. Confession time, I've never seen an episode of the pokemon anime, so I always forget that's what they do.

CinderArts said:
I can’t believe this! He’s kicking me out for real! I can’t afford to lose the theater that I grew up in! Yet, even if I fight it, it’s not going to work.

You might want to italicize thoughts here, since leaving them un-formatted might trip other people up a little bit, and it might just read like unusual narration.

CinderArts said:
and summoned Pancham

Yoooo pancham appreciation!!!!

CinderArts said:
As the curtain went up, she was surprised to see that all the audience had disappeared. The only ones that remain would be an old lady, and her two grandsons.

RIP her career

---

So, this was an interesting read for me! I usually stray far away from the part of the pokemon fandom that has to do with the anime, but this was a fun opening chapter!

Not much else to say, really, besides that the only real complaint I had was lack of description for most locations in this chapter. That can take your writing a long way, and it never hurts to spend some time setting locations up!
Anyways, I wish you luck if you continue writing this!

Spiteful Murkrow · Nov 22, 2022

Heya, it took me a bit longer than I had initially planned, but I’m here to round out the last of my Reading Rookidee slate with a review of your second chapter of The Queen of Kalos. But I’ve kept you waiting long enough, so let’s jump right into things:

Chapter 2

Disappointed at the lack of viewers in the last theater, Serena and her companions had set out to perform at a formal party in the outskirts of Motostoke City. Everything had gone smoothly, enough so that the ease with to which the hosts ~~they easily~~ accepted her application which gave Serena some suspicion. Nevertheless, she got paid upfront, so Serena was set to perform even if no one would pay attention to her

… Which is probably as good a sign as any that there’s some sort of horrible catch to all of this, since if you’re getting suspicious about something being too good to be true… it probably is. ^^;

Serena thought about retiring after ~~this~~ her performance and using what was left of her money to start a small farm in the green fields of Kalos. The more she performed, the more she failed to captivate the younger audiences of the modern world due to newer and growing forms of entertainment that kept on getting in her way.

I feel that this would work a bit better if you gave some more concrete examples of the things that Serena is losing out against as competition. E.x. something like:

The more she performed, the more she failed to captivate the younger audiences of the modern world who seemed to increasingly care about little other than whatever they couldn’t see or do with the phones in their pockets.

Might not be the exact vibe you’re going for, but some food for thought, anyways.

Serena had thought about ~~pondered on~~ how to captivate younger audiences for a long time but gave up after her decline as a Pokemon Performer. Gone are the days when even a simple coin trick could gain loud applause from young kids and teenagers. Serena wished she could go back to those days, to be able to perform without being brushed aside by some pop singer or a group of boy bands who could attract the attention of young people by strumming a single note from a guitar.

Ouch. Can’t say I’ve seen too many stories in fandom deal frontally with characters on the wrong end of changes in social trends and appetites, but that’s definitely a mood there.

Serena stood by the balcony of her hotel room~~, she~~ and watched the nightlights of the city as she smoked, ~~pondering on~~ stewing over the same thoughts she would always think about after a failed performance. The city’s beautiful night lights, combined with the beautiful twinkling starry skies reminded Serena of her days as a young performer, with only a penny to her name and a set of dresses her mother had given her.

I actually wonder, but is that Serena’s background in the XY anime, or is that something you created wholesale for this story?

From there, she would go on to perform magical feats with her companions, from a simple coin trick to her Braixen and Pancham’s trademark Will-O-Wisp trick. The audience loved her, but nowadays, the modern audience yearned for something more than an old, faded, and washed-out performer. She wondered if there was someone out there who still believed in the magic that performers like her would bring to the table.

Would recommend getting rid of one or the other ‘trick’ in order to make things a bit less repetitive in that sentence. The second one would probably be a bit easier than the first since you could call it something like a ‘routine’.

“Braixen…?”

She turned around to face Braixen, flicking away her cigarette. “Hey, Braixen. You can’t sleep?” Braixen nodded.

[ as she caressed her cheek ]

“What’s wrong, Braixen?” she asked ~~as she caressed her cheek~~.

I would pull the part of description embedded in Serena’s speech tag forward and expand it, since that way you can also have more of a transition from Serena being chilling with her cigarettes to stooping down to Braixen’s level, which isn’t really there at the moment.

“Braixen, Brai…” She pointed her finger at Serena with worried eyes. “Braixen…”

[ ]

“Are you worried about me?” she sighed. This is the last thing she wanted, to make her companions feel worried about her. “I’m okay. It’s just… it’s been a rough few days, is all.”

e02e5ffb5f980cd8262cf7f0ae00a4a9_press-x-to-doubt-memes-memesuper-la-noire-doubt-meme_419-238.jpg

Though you might want to consider dropping in some description from Serena there processing Braixen’s reaction a bit. Since it’s admittedly a bit hard to get a read about how Serena is supposed to “feel” right now.

“Brai…?”

“Yes, Braixen. Trust me. Everything is okay, I promise.” Serena said as she embraced her companion, wanting to assure the fire-type that she’ll be alright.

Her days are rough, but she will make it work like she always used to.

I’ll believe it when I see it, really.

The party on the outskirts of Motostoke City had kicked off, wealthy elites mingled and drank wine as they watched, a local opera singer sang her heart out as she performed a classic song called "The Kalosian Waltz". She sang with a fierce but soft tone.

… Wait, when is this happening relative to the last scene? Since there’s no real indication of when things are going down relative to it.

The audience clearly loved to seeing the singer ~~her~~ perform judging from the number of people watching. Serena and Braixen waited ~~from~~ at the back, wearing her usual performer's outfit. For today, she wished that people would pay attention to them just as like they were ~~paying attention~~ right now to the opera singer. She watched from the back as they both waited for their cue to perform.

The bit in underlined is ambiguous between Serena and her Braixen. Something as simple as “with Serena” at the start might be sufficient to smooth things over.

I wish I could captivate an audience like that, she thought to herself.

As the opera singer finally finished performing, the audience clapped as she gave a bow and headed backstage, the band then began to play her tune, giving them their cue. ~~She~~ Serena straightened her blue bowtie and walked out from the back and into the front of the audience.

You have some more ambiguous pronouns here, since “she” can mean either Serena or the singer, and even if my assumption is that you’re talking about Serena, you should make things a bit more obvious for which direction is which for the reader.

But as soon as she began performing, the audience began talking to each other, sipping wine as they chatted about their day. She felt dismayed that even the older audiences weren’t paying attention to her, but regardless, she went on to perform.

This feels a bit too “lightswitch”-y for the loss of interest here. It might make sense to make this all feel like it’s a bit more gradual for Serena instead of it happening within five seconds of her opening bow. e.x. does Serena get like an act in, get happy at how she’s doing and then notice that the audience is looking at their phones? Consider something a bit more drawn-out like that.

“Braixen! Use Will-O-Wisp followed by Fire Spin!” She commanded, and Braixen gracefully performed her signature move with grace and dazzling magic. Yet, it failed to captivate her audience who ~~were busier~~ seemed to be more preoccupied chatting about their wealth. One person behind her clapped drunkenly ~~in a drunken manner~~.

“Alright Braixen, now’s our chance! Use Will-O-Wisp again, this time followed by Light Screen!” Braixen summoned the same set of wisps and formed them into a circle, then she summoned a set of light screens which made the wisps shine brighter than an Ember’s flame. Once again, her audience did not pay any attention to her.

Serena: “Seriously?! What on earth do you people want?!” >.<

Keep your cool, Serena. Just keep on performing… She thought to herself as she called out her Pancham onto the scene.

I mean, at the rate things are going here, this is going to end in something like a humiliating public faceplant.

“Alright, now for the best part! Braixen, use Will-O-Wisp and form a circle!” She commanded as usual and clapped her hands. A few seconds later as Pancham jumped through the circle of wisps with style and grace. Yet again, no one applauded her. The same drunk ~~person~~ clapped and approached ~~him drunkenly~~ her in a slurring daze.

"Aye, you're a good performer, I tell ya!” He complimented Serena as he pulled out a card from his pocket. “Here, take one of my calling cards. I-I know a group of people who would want to see you perform."

The man gave Serena his calling card, to which she accepted and hid it in her pocket. The man then tried to walk away, only to trip and crash on one of the tables. "Sorry! Sorry…”

Serena: “... I’m ready to just go back to the hotel room and cry in the shower for a while.” -_-;

Serena and her companions then used the distraction to walk away from the audience along with her belongings.

She’s… actually going to do that, isn’t she?

For the next three days, Serena traveled by boat to The Isle of Armor after she called up the man that offered her his calling card. She brought with her a few days’ worth of clothes and money from her previous performances. The trip went from sunny to cloudy and then cloudy with a mix of rain.

That… feels like a detail that should’ve been explicitly shown on-screen. Either in the outro of the prior scene, or in a scene in between this and the prior one showing Serena in her hotel room reflecting over her bomb of a performance and then looking over the calling card and deciding to pursue it further. As it stands, this kinda comes a bit out of left field at the moment.

The Isle of Armor, ~~to her, is~~ struck Serena as being the perfect place to retire since it was ~~it is~~ known for its lush green fields and sandy shores. From what she could read from the pamphlet that she’d brought with her, the Isle of Armor was a developing rural town ~~that has~~ with a total population of 2,000. Most of the town had yet to obtain electricity, while some parts had running power with lights on their homes.

Reading this information gave her the idea for their next performance. [ ]

I think that it might make sense to go into a bit more details as to what that idea was, or at least hinting at it more. Given that it’s pretty thematically different from the rest of the paragraph, it might make sense to split it off into its own, especially if you go the route of expanding it.

“Pancham, pan…?” Pancham asked as he tugged at her coat.

“What’s wrong, Pancham?” Serena inquired. Pancham simply rubbed his stomach, indicating the obvious. Not surprising.

“Heh, feeling hungry already, Pancham?” She asked and Pancham nodded in reply.

I’m… not sure how that’s necessarily obvious since that could’ve also indicated that Pancham had a stomachache or something like that. This might have worked better if something like Pancham rubbing his belly happened, then Serena checked a watch or something for “... right, it’s lunchtime”.

“But you just ate an hour ago… oh well.” Serena gingerly took out a piece of Macaron from her case and handed it over. “Here you go, but this is the last one for now, okay?”

Narrator: “It will not be the last macaron for now.”

~~With~~ As the boat arrived at her destination, Serena was greeted with rainy clouds and a small fishing village. Seeing the small village reminded Serena of her own small town she lived in when she was a young kid. Smiling, she stepped down from the boat and waited for the man to pick her up. While waiting, she and Pancham tried one of The Isle of Armor’s local delicacies.

… Wait, where is she trying that again? Like are there shops here? Since it’s kinda hard for me to visualize the surroundings right now, let alone anyplace with food.

Soon, the drunk man arrived in a ragged-looking car. He honked for her attention and waved at her as Serena turned to look in his direction. Serena smiled at the man, knowing that his enthusiasm was genuine.

I… don’t know whether or not that’s really a sign you should trust this guy, Serena.

As soon as they left the fishing village, Serena and the man conversed about several topics as they traveled to their destination, like the history of The Isle of Armor and its wonderful natural sights ~~as they traveled to their destination~~. There were times that the two had to stop by to refuel or to try and get the tires off from the wet mud.

Even so, Serena didn't mind helping the man even if she and her Pancham got dirty, knowing that the town they're going to has running water and a bar of soap to deal with the dirt and muck that the ground could offer.

… Wait, just how big is the Isle of Armor in this setting anyways? Since unless the drunk from the party came over with a near-empty tank, he ought to have been able to go multiple hundreds of kilometers in a shot even with the world’s thirstiest beater of a car.

Hours had passed from driving after overcoming simple obstacles, Serena and the man finally arrived at the small town. There was not much to see other than the simple food stalls, houses, small stores, and the usual sight of young kids playing around the small town. The man led Serena to the town's local tavern, where she met the bartender in charge.

"Ah, hello. You must be the performer Liam talked about the other night. The name's Barry."

He shook Serena’s hand. [And noticed Pancham here]

“Aww, who’s the little fella?” He ruffled Pancham’s fur, with Pancham taking in the delightful feeling.

You want to show Barry explicitly noticing and reacting to Pancham since this also feels like you skipped ahead of something that ought to have been there. It would also probably make sense to describe more of what the bar’s interior and layout is like since it is really hard to get a read on it right now.

But… Serena is going to manage to bore even the people in this backwater town with her routine, isn’t she? ^^;

"Yes, that would be me. I am Serena, this is my Pancham, and I have accepted your friend's offer to perform in your local town. As such, I ~~have~~ brought my poster with me to promote my image should the need for another performance arrive." She then pulled out his poster from the tube and showed it to the bartender.

… Wait, a poster? Serena didn’t bring multiple so that way others outside of the bar could also see it?

"Ah, that is lovely. I know just where to put it..." he took the poster and placed it on the large dartboard, placing darts on the corners to make it stick. "Easy as pie. Your room is on the first right, then turn on the first left. It's not hard to miss it."

… It’s going to wind up having darts thrown at it in like a day, isn’t it? ^^;

[ ]

"Thank you very much, sir. I'll prepare for tonight's performance." She shook his hand in return and went to her assigned room.

[ ]

"Gloria, take care of the tables for me, would you kindly?"

"Sure thing!" The young girl stopped cleaning the floor to fix the chairs and tables, but her attention was caught by the poster of Serena donning her performer’s outfit.

"The Queen of Kalos...?" Gloria looked at the poster for a few more seconds, before turning her attention back to the chairs and tables.

… Wait, where has Gloria been all this time in this scene, and is Serena still in the same room as Barry and Gloria right now? Also, this is another part where more description would’ve helped give more of a sense of transition between events since as it stands it feels like Serena is supposed to be moving around but

“Ugh, what a day.” Serena said as she plopped down on the bed, with Pancham following suit. She wondered if this opportunity was her next big break. The last time she had a big break like this was two years ago when she performed in Lumiose City. She hoped that this time, it would spark the dying flame within her as a performer.

Waaaaait. How is this occurring in the same scene right now as the last paragraph? Since we just had Barry and Gloria paying attention to the tavern downstairs and now we’re with Serena in a bedroom of some sort. If this is all meant to be in one “take”, you want the proverbial camera to follow Serena up from the tavern’s main room and up to her lodging, since as it stands, I at first was wondering if you’d forgotten a scene break here.

“Pancham…”

“I know, Pancham. But we must give our best, no matter what.” She declared as Serena raised her fist in the air. “I know it’s what he would’ve wanted…”

“Pan…?”

“Mhm. I’m sure Ash is proud of us. Wherever he is now…

If this is set in the present time of the anime, Serena probably doesn’t want to turn on the TV or radio for a while.

The day had passed, and the tavern ~~was then~~ had grown filled with patrons of the small village, young and old, drinking, and dancing to their heart's content. The audience clapped in tune with the bagpipes. All the while, Gloria helped the bartender by serving alcoholic drinks to the older patrons of the tavern. ~~For~~ The young, orphaned girl~~, she~~ spent most of her life studying and doing work for the bartender in exchange for money and a room to sleep in. Gloria loved to serve drinks and food to the locals, but she yearned for more.

Wait, there’s no mention at all of “the bagpipes” up to this point. You might want to rephrase that to something like “in tune with music played on bagpipes” if you’re planning on revealing that detail right here for the readers.

She yearned to travel to the outside world, to the bustling cities of Galar and other regions she had read from the magazines she had bought with her own money. As a growing up girl soon to be in her late teens, Gloria learned that these cities had electricity and luxuries such as perfume, diamond earrings and more. ~~She dreamt~~ Luxuries she dreamed of owning ~~such luxuries~~ one day.

… Wait, but wasn’t it mentioned that there is electricity here on the Isle of Armor? Just erratic and not a comprehensive grid? If so, you probably want to change Gloria’s narration there, since she logically ought to be familiar with electricity, just not ubiquitous electricity.

After the people had finished dancing, the drunk man whistled for their attention and signaled the bartender to turn off the lamps, while he gingerly attached a lightbulb above him. As soon as the lamps were turned off, he pushed the button and the light turned on. The entire audience clapped, as he turned it off and on once more, earning more praise from the audience.

… Wait, who is ‘the drunk man’ here again? Is that supposed to be Serena’s host? Since if so, is there a reason why he didn’t get a name here? Since I’d hope that he’s not just constantly plastered 24/7. ^^;

"Now, settle down everyone! We have a special guest for tonight! She is a famous Pokemon Performer from the city that I lived in for a while, so let's give our applause to The Queen of Kalos!"

He stepped aside to give way for Serena, as she stepped inside with her Braixen and Pancham. The audience clapped as she stepped in, which surprised Serena before bowing to the audience.

… Is there a reason why you’re not just saying “Motostoke” here? Since that feels like it’d be a lot more straightforward and natural as a phrasing there.

Though Serena is going to manage to bomb her performance again in this rural hamlet in the middle of nowhere, isn’t she?

“Thank you for your warm applause! I, the Queen of Kalos, shall dazzle you tonight with a magical show!” She triumphantly declared.

[ ]

Now Braixen! Use Will-o-Wisp followed by Light Screen!” Serena commanded.

~~and~~ At once, Braixen conjured up a set of wisps dazzled by a set of light screens. Pancham then hopped up from Braixen’s back and used Mach Punch to break the screens, causing the flames to disappear gracefully. The patrons cheered and whistled at the display.

… Wow, Serena’s actually got an audience impressed with her routine for once. Though you probably want to add a paragraph of description showing how she’s interacting with Braixen, since the current version of events feels a bit jarring and disconnected. Unless the entire point is that this is from Gloria’s POV and she’s distracted with bartending, it’s a bit hard to visualize what’s going on here with Serena.

Gloria watched in awe, amazed at Serena’s first performance. She rubbed her eyes to see if she was dreaming, only to see that what he just did was all real. [ ]

"Wow, she’s amazing!" she thought to herself.

Gloria sat down on the front seat to get a clear view of Serena and her performance. The young girl was captivated as she watched Serena perform with her Pokemon.

IMO this earlier part of the paragraph should be expanded a bit more. Like what exactly are some of the flashy things going down here that are wowing Gloria so much? Like are there lots of colors? Is stuff blowing up? Give more of a visual to sell that ‘wow’ factor Gloria has here.

Serena whistled for Pancham to hop onto her shoulder and commanded him to use Mach Punch again, this time against a set of fiery circles. Smooth as butter, Pancham punched right through the embers with ease and remained unharmed.

[ ] An hour had passed, Serena finished her performance with their signature move.

This… feels abrupt enough as a jump between paragraphs that at first I thought that you were missing a scene break. If you’re not going to divide the scenes up here, I think you should add a sentence or two to the front of your second paragraph to the effect of “Serena did more and more routines with her Pokémon, each growing more complex and thrilling to the crowd than the last.”

“Let’s end it with a Will-o-Wisp, formed into a circle!” She told her Braixen, to which ~~she~~ the Fire-type gracefully formed the wisps. ~~She~~ Serena clapped her hands and Pancham, who was at the opposite end of the tavern, ran up to the wisps and jumped through the circle without a single burn.

The audience cheered as ~~she~~ Serena and her Pokemon bowed before she recalled them back to their Pokeballs. As she stepped into the hallway, she stopped for a while and looked back at the cheering audience, before walking back to his room, a smile formed on her lips. She felt appreciated by the locals, and that warmed Serena’s heart.

Something about the last sentence feels a bit dry in the way it’s said. Like you could’ve easily given it a bit more pop by “showing” how Serena feels warmth instead of just saying it. e.x. Something like:

Serena felt a satisfied warmth run through her veins. The audience actually liked her performance. She had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming, but she was genuinely feeling appreciated by the locals for once!

Some food for thought, anyways.

As soon as his performance ended, the drunk man came back to the room with a small battery-operated boombox, and the patrons watched in curiosity. As he turned it on, a wave of old rock and roll music had hit their ears, with the man dancing wildly and the people cheered him on.

… Wait, but if the guy’s not drunk right now, shouldn’t he have a different epithet than ‘the drunk man’? Alternatively, if he is drunk, how is he managing to do all of this while all boozed up?

Though where is Serena during all of this, since if this is supposed to be five minutes after she leaves the room on the ground floor, it might make sense to do a hard scene cut here.

Meanwhile, Gloria went upstairs to mop the floor, only to see that one room had a light on. She realized that the performer's room was right in front of her, so she continued to mop the floor earnestly until her right foot accidentally kicked ~~down~~ the bucket over.

"Dang it!" She tried to reach for it, only for Serena to take the small bar of soap while she was in the middle of doing her make-up with her Braixen.

"Is this yours?" The performer asked. Gloria nodded.

Yeah, I stand by my earlier comment about you needing some sort of transition like a paragraph before the last block, since the POV in this part reads really different from the one as recently as like 3 paragraphs before this.

Serena then covered the small bar of soap with a handkerchief, with the small bar now turned into a large bar of soap by taking off the napkin. She gasped and looked at the bar of soap.

Oh, so she just casually does magic tricks to show off in her free time, huh? Or was there something about Gloria that Serena noticed that tipped her off that she’d be receptive to this that encouraged her to put on a show?

"Wow! Thanks, Ma’am." She took the bar of soap and smiled. "Are there any clothes that I could wash for you tonight?"

Serena nodded and gave Gloria her dirty clothes. She took out a dollar from her hair and gave it to her as a tip, to which she accepted and pocketed it.

I did a double-take at that, but I suppose Pokédollar is official canon as of the Colosseum games. Even if it still feels a little weird to see that in a part of Pokéworld that’s a transparent expy of Britain.

"I'll do my best to get rid of the dirt off the clothes," Gloria reassured.

Gloria took the bucket and placed the dirty clothes and bar of soap in it, and walked down the stairs, but not before giving Serena a smile.

At the other end of the room was a young boy who witnessed everything between the two girls. Thinking that the performer was a miracle maker, he took his broken Mareep toy and approached Serena.

“U-um, miss…? Can you please make Ms. Mareep all better…?” The young boy showed the broken toy from the palm of his hands. Serena hummed and gave the young lad a warm smile.

… Wait, where has this kid been the entire time? Like it’s not the end of the world to introduce characters in the middle of the scene, but if you’re going to do this “abrupt hi” thing, I kinda wonder if it’d have made more sense to keep the camera focused on Serena here, then have the kid come to the door and have him reveal where he came from via a short Q&A or something like that.

“Of course. Just give me one moment.”

She took the broken toy and used some of the glue she had left in her suitcase to piece the broken head back onto its neck again. She carefully huffed and puffed, until the glue dried up.

“Here you go, good as new.” Serena said as she handed the newly fixed toy back to the young boy.

inb4 the head falls off again in like a week

“Oh, wow! Thank you, miss! Mr. Mareep is going to be happy now that she’s all well!” He remarked which caused Serena and her Braixen to giggle lightly.

“Well, you better take loving care of Ms. Mareep from now on, okay? Now then, go back to bed and get a good night’s rest.” She said to the boy, and he nodded before he went back to his room.

Boy: “... Ma’am, you do realize that I’m probably plot important, right? Don’t you want to get to know me better?”

Serena: “And you realize that it’s way past bedtime right now for a kid your age, right? Seriously, go to sleep already.” >_>;

“Whew, what a night.” She remarked as she finished applying powder on her nose.

“Braixen?”

[ ]

“Heh, I’m okay Braixen. I’m just… I don’t know what to say. I guess I’m happy that not all our performances are a bust. For once, we got ourselves a small break.”

Another spot where it’d probably have been nice to see some body language from some combination of Serena and/or Braixen here. Like I feel as if you had some sort of mental image in your head about how this was supposed to play out when you wrote this, but I’m having trouble figuring out what it’s supposed to be.

“Braixen, Brai…”

She patted Braixen on the head, before she headed back to her bed. “We just have to keep on trying, no matter what. Never give up until it’s over, right?”

Braixen nodded at the young girl’s newfound determination. “Braixen!”

“That’s the spirit. Now come on, let’s go to bed.”

Not that it’s not touching and cute that you finally got a lucky break, but you should probably be a bit more concerned that you needed to go out to one of the most Podunk imaginable corners of a foreign region to get a receptive audience for your performances, Serena. ^^;

The next day, after walking on the beach with the drunk man, ~~she~~ Serena went back up to her room only to find her clothes cleaned and dried. She checked the clothes for any leftover dirt, only to be disturbed by Gloria who shyly entered the room with a basket of dry socks.

"I did my best to clean your clothes, it was a bit hard to remove the stains, but it wasn't a challenge for me." she said meekly.

Serena: “Wait, but wasn’t it just a matter of throwing them into a washer and dryer-?”
Gloria: “No regular electricity outside of specific buildings, remember.” ^^;
Serena: “... Right. Uh… yeah, you all should probably get around to fixing that.”

Serena approached the young girl and gave her a dollar from her wallet to which Gloria smiled.

She noticed the other dirty clothes and went on to grab them.

"Oh, no no no, that's alright I uh-" Serena tried to tell Gloria that it was all right, but the girl ~~has~~ already had her clothes ~~now for cleaning~~ all gathered up to be cleaned.

[ ]

“I guess it’s okay. Just please be careful with them, okay?” She asked.

Another spot that would benefit from some added description or internal thought process from Serena here, since I would assume that she’s not used to being waited on like this regularly.

“Yes, Ma’am! I’ll do my best.” Gloria happily exclaimed.

As she tried to exit the room, she almost tripped over when the sole of her right boot broke loose. She looked at her now broken shoe and back to Serena, with an awkward smile.

"It's alright, I can always fix it again," she said, before stepping out of the room.

[ ]

“What a nice girl… she reminds me of my mother.” Serena happily remarked.

Same deal here, actually.

Serena: “Though something gives me the feeling that I’m going to be seeing a lot of her in the future, really.” ^^;

<><><>

After she was paid by the bartender for her performance, Serena and Braixen went for a walk around the small town to look for anything he could bring home with them. She considered buying the delicacies again but instead went for candies for her Pokemon.

“Braixen, Brai.” Braixen remarked.

This is another part where you should strongly consider either putting in a hard scene break or else add more transition between this and the prior paragraph, since we just went from Serena in her room to getting paid and out and about in town in the span of a sentence. As it stands, it’s a bit jarring.

“I know, Braixen. But we must try and save our money for something that we might need on our next journey. Don’t worry, though. After this, I’ll make some Macarons for us! What do you say?

“Braixen!” she happily exclaimed.

“Heh. I’m sure Pancham would love that, too.”

Wow, Serena can make macarons on her own? I could’ve sworn those were infamous for being hard to make on one’s own. Notch one for handy skills of hers.

As she was about to head back to the tavern, they came across a small clothing store that showed off a pair of blue shoes in the display window. She remembered that the young girl who washed her clothes had a terrible, broken pair of shoes. Serena lit up a cigarette and smoked for a while, and then made her decision afterwards.

She entered the store and purchased the pair of blue shoes as a parting gift for the young girl.

D’aww, that’s sweet of her. And is a nice little insight into how Serena’s at once thoughtful and observant as a character.

<><><>

Meanwhile, in the Tavern, Gloria entered the room to deliver the now clean clothes for the honey blonde-haired performer, only to find the room’s sole occupant ~~in the room~~ was her Pancham ~~who was asleep~~ dozing off on the bed. After placing down the basket of clothes, Gloria noticed from the window that snow had begun to fall, and she felt the cold creeping in her body. ~~Placing~~ She put three pieces of charcoal in the fireplace~~, she~~ and lit it up ~~and made~~ to make herself comfortable, sitting by the chair to wait for Serena and to hand over the clean clothes.

Don’t want to get too broken record about it, but yeah. You kinda abruptly skipped time and place again between paragraphs here. Pick your poison as to how you intend to deal with it.

An hour had passed, Serena came back with snow on his shoulders. She smiled when she noticed Gloria sitting on the chair.

"Hello, young girl," she greeted, “Are you comfortable?”

Boy is Gloria determined there. Though it might sound more natural for Serena to address Gloria more along the lines of “oh, you’re the laundry girl from yesterday” or something like that if Gloria didn’t flatly give her name earlier on. And meta-wise, it might have been more convenient if she had, especially if she was expecting to see Serena again repeatedly.

"Oh! Ms. Serena! I didn't notice you just arrived!" she said, immediately standing up and brushing aside the stray strand of hair. "I uh, was waiting for you, ma’am. Your clothes have been cleaned and dried."

[she smiled lightly.]

"Thank you. Sit down for a moment, I have something to show you." She hid the small box of shoes with her napkin and showed it to her, before pulling off the napkin to reveal the pair of blue shoes. "It's for you."

You probably want to split “she smiled lightly” off into its own paragraph and expand by also including in some reaction from Serena of her own, since it helps tee up Serena’s line of dialogue a bit better.

Gloria’s eyes lit up, in front of her was a pair of brand-new blue shoes, and all for her. She was convinced that this came from her “performance magic”.

"Wow… thanks so much, Ms. Serena!"

"You can call me Serena. What's your name, young lady?" she asked.

“Gloria” she said, “My name is Gloria.”

… Wait, just how much older is Serena than Gloria anyways such that she’s addressing her as ‘young lady’? Like that’s the sort of thing I’d expect from someone 20+ years another’s senior. .-.

"Well, Gloria, I couldn't help but notice that your old shoes are ragged and broken. So here, I got you a pair of shoes for you, so you won't trip over again."

[ ]

"Thank you, Serena." She took the shoes and put them on her feet, which was a perfect fit. She smiled lightly as the new feel of the shoes welcomed her feet with comfort and heat.

IMO, this would’ve had a lot more impact if you explicitly showed Gloria’s reaction to her new shoes and her getting excited about it. Since as it stands, it’s a bit hard to get a vibe for how excited or not she’s supposed to be in what’s probably an emotional moment for her.

"You're welcome, Gloria. Now go on, I must pack up my belongings for tomorrow."

~~She~~ Gloria frowned at ~~what he said~~ Serena’s response. To see the great performer and her Pokemon leave would mean her world would be boring again. Nevertheless, she left the room and gave her some time packing up.

Gloria’s going to wind up joining Serena on her tour, isn’t she?

Yet, she decided in her mind that she would follow Serena and live a life full of color and magic with her. She didn’t want to let the opportunity pass. For someone who can conjure a set of shoes and a bar of soap, she genuinely believed that her dream of living in the bigger outside world was about to be fulfilled with the majestic performer.

I’m honestly surprised that Gloria didn’t just flatly ask Serena “can I come with you?” right here and there, but guess that’ll be a thing for Chapter 3.

Alright, onto the recap:

To start with the stuff that I thought this chapter did well, but it was nice to see Serena finally get into her groove and find a receptive audience, at first I was a bit worried that she was just going to get run over for a second chapter in a row, but nope! Definitely a nice surprise there. I personally thought that the characterization of this story was its strongest point, and you do a pretty good job at selling the dynamics between Serena, her Pokémon, and Gloria as various characters with their own hopes and aspirations. And you seem to be hinting at them all traveling together in the fairly near future.

As for the criticisms… there were a number of rough edges with this chapter that I felt had a tendency of getting in the way of the story. The first and foremost was that there were a number of awkward parts of the prose that I felt would’ve been ironed out with either an aloud readthrough or running it through a TTS program. If you hadn’t already done that before, consider doing so at some point in the future as part of a once-over. One of the more recurring issues that I think would help get resolved by that is that you had a lot of ambiguous pronouns, especially in scenes where both Serena and Gloria were present where “she” is mentioned, but without enough context to firmly differentiate between the two.

As for less “easy fix” issues, I felt that the number one structural issue with this chapter was that you had a dearth of description in a number of spots, which made it a bit hard to get a feel for how to visualize parts of different scenes or the subtleties of different characters’ moods. I also noticed that you had a running trend of skipping around sharply between character POVs or time and place between paragraphs. Mind you, it’s fine to do that sometimes… when jumping from one scene to another, but if you’re going to do that without a scene break, you need to make a point of adding transitions between those different states instead of abruptly shifting between paragraphs.

The review wound up being a bit more critical than I was expecting @CinderArts , but I’d like to emphasize that in spite of its flaws, I thought that your chapter was pretty cute. I’m not sure whether or not you’re more of the school to learn from mistakes and keep marching on, or else if you’ll be planning on revising the first two chapters of your story, but I hope that the feedback was helpful for you, and that you have fun with this yarn of yours showing Serena trying to get her footing in a world that’s largely moved on from her. Since hey, I didn’t know that I needed a story like that to exist, but your take on it shows some promise to it.

Pokémon The Queen of Kalos

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