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When a pair of siblings are chosen by Arceus himself, the duo must learn how to deal with their new forms and how to defend themselves in a world that they never dreamed to be a part of.
“Boys! It’s time for school, you’re going to be late!” Mrs. Garcia yelled from downstairs at her two boys, Callum and Caleb who were both playing Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield, respectively.
“Coming!” They responded to their mother in unison.
Caleb gave his brother a smug look, “Last one there is a rotten egg!” He said to his brother before booking it downstairs.
“Hey! No fair, I wasn’t ready!” Callum whined to his older brother.
...
After a long boring day at school the boys ran home as fast as they could, the reason being that yesterday their mother decided to get both boys a copy of Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon for the 3DS. Callum was the first one to get home shortly followed by Caleb, upon the older brother’s arrival inside the house, Callum lightly elbowed Caleb in the stomach and said “Now we’re even.”
The boys laughed before their mother entered the room holding one copy in each hand, she then handed both copies to Callum and Caleb. “Thank you mom!” They answered sheepishly in unison. Immediately after receiving the gifts, the brothers hurried upstairs to their room, picked up their 3DS systems and inserted the cartridge into the consoles and booted up the game however, instead of being greeted by the usual title screen, both Caleb and Callum were met with Arceus, and a text box that read;
“I am giving you two the opportunity of a lifetime… Will you take it?”
Caleb raised an eyebrow, “Is this some sort of elaborate prank?” he asked, turning his head to his younger brother.
“I was about to ask you the same thing.” Callum responded. All of a sudden the text on both screens changed to
“I can assure you that this is not a prank, so what is your response to my offer?”
Both boys were stunned into silence before they looked at each other and nodded. “We accept!” Their answer seemed to reverberate throughout the room before ending abruptly. Then a harsh white light erupted from both of the console’s screens.
The light was so intense that Callum and Caleb had to shield their eyes, only to be enveloped by it. After a few minutes the light faded, and Callum realized that his entire arm was now glowing that same white.
“Caleb… Wh-what’s going on!?” A terrified Callum asked, trembling in fear.
“I...I don’t know, I...I think that we...we might be Sh-shrinking!” Caleb responded with obvious shock and terror in his voice. The boys looked up at the Ceiling which confirmed Caleb’s suspicions, it was indeed getting further and further away from them.
Then, Callum noticed that there was a sudden breeze that seemed to originate from both the console’s screens that slowly became more violent. He did the only thing he could think of at the moment and grabbed onto a wrinkle in his blanket and yelled to his brother over the increasingly strong wind. “Grab onto something, anything! I think we’re getting sucked into the game!”
Caleb yelled to his younger brother, then he heard a very audible response from him “I’m partly already inside the top screen! I’m holding onto the ledge. I can’t hold on for much longer… I love you,”
Before suddenly hearing a scream that suddenly became inaudible. “CALLUM!” Caleb shouted before he lost his grip and succumbed to his fate.
Once you have the first chapter of your story ready, yes, please create a thread for it in Fanfiction--or I can move this one back, I suppose. But please only post a chapter once you have the full thing ready. Readers are going to want to read a complete chapter, not a paragraph or two. Feel free to post snippets to Discord as you're working on them, though!
The boys awoke in an unfamiliar place, they were surrounded by a white void and pastel colours of the rainbow, but more importantly they were positioned right in front of Arceus himself, the boys glanced at each other before both kneeling down as a sign of respect, knowing that Arceus was known as a God in the Pokémon world.
Arceus let out a booming laugh. “There’s no need to be formal children, after all I invited you here,” he said with a friendly tone.
“Where exactly is here?” Caleb asked the wise Pokémon.
“You are in a dimension between the human realm and my realm.” Arceus responded to Caleb, suddenly they realized what this meant and their eyes widened.
“Before you can enter, I need you two to answer some questions.” Arceus instructed.
Callum spoke up “Are they going to be math questions? I hate math!” Arceus let out another loud laugh.
“Don’t be absurd, ‘tis but a simple personality test.” he answered, to which Callum let out an audible sigh of relief. “First let’s start with your names.” Arceus said.
Caleb was the first to step forward and introduce himself. “I’m Caleb!” he answered with a bow, Callum stepped forward and copied his older brother before responding “and I’m Callum.” Arceus nodded and turned towards Callum and asked.
“A nerve-racking first day of school! You want to make friends with someone you just met. What do you do? Will you turn to them and introduce yourself or wait nervously for them to talk to you?”
“I would wait for them to come talk to me.” Callum responded meekly, before Arceus turned towards Caleb and asked him.
“A new student transfers into your class. What do you do? Will you offer to show them around the school or wait to see what kind of person they are?”
“I would offer to show them around!” Caleb answered with a grin, the rest of the questions were asked and answered easily until the sixth question where Arceus told the boys.
“From this point on you must answer with utmost honesty, for these last answers will determine your future.” The boys looked at each other and nodded, Arceus glanced at both boys before turning to Caleb and asked him.
“A wizard appears before you! He says he’ll transform you into anything, what would you want to be? A cute critter beloved by all, a cold-blooded reptile with strength, a freewheeling bird that wings across the sky or a wild beast that is one with nature?”
“I would choose to be a reptile.” Caleb responded to Arceus before they both looked at Callum before Arceus started speaking again.
“We are going to the beach, time to kick back and enjoy the breeze. What do you find yourself staring at? The glittering blue stretch of sea, the endless expanse of the sky, the sandy shore being lapped by waves or the gently swaying strands of dune grass?”
“I would look at the sea.” Callum responded sheepishly, and suddenly Arceus spoke up. “Alright you two, one final question.” Arceus said to the boys
“What kind of music do you prefer? Punk Rock, Pop, Classical or Marching?”
Callum was the first to answer the question “I like Pop music!” He exclaimed, before Caleb responded with; “Marching.”
Arceus nodded before turning around saying. “I must leave now, but I know we will meet again, just not as you are now.” he then faded leaving both Caleb and Callum standing there
The boys then looked at each other to see that something was amiss. “Is it just me or am I way smaller than you are?” Callum asked his older brother.
“No, it isn't, I'm quite taller.” Caleb responded, suddenly they both realized that they were both shorter than a meter.
Callum was now 40 centimeters tall and Caleb was 61 centimeters, all of a sudden Caleb let out a scream, he turned towards his brother to reveal that he had an orange tail with a flame shooting out of the tip and he looked down to see that he had white claws on his orange feet before bringing his hands up to his face to see small stubby orange arms.
After witnessing his brother change, Callum went pale and then noticed that he could no longer feel his fingers, so he brought his arms in front of his face which revealed that he had light blue flippers. He suddenly felt something round and pointy on his mouth and looked to see a small, yellow beak, and looked down to see that he had two yellow bird feet, and then the invisible platform that the duo were standing on disappeared and they were sent into a free fall.
Caleb awoke in an unfamiliar clearing surrounded by lush, green trees, he looked down at his hands and they were stubby and orange.
“So it wasn’t a dream…I really have become a Charmander.” he whispered to himself before noticing a Piplup nearby that was out cold.
Caleb walked over to him and lightly shook him, his eyes fluttered open and he quickly jumped on his feet and scurried back and put his flippers in a defensive position over his head.
“Please don’t hurt me! I didn’t do anything to you.” He said, Caleb’s eyes widened “Callum, is that you?” Caleb asked the mysterious blue monster.
“Yeah...wait, is that you Caleb?” Callum asked. Caleb nodded before trying to wrap his arms around Callum to give him a hug.
“Where are we?” Callum asked, looking expectantly at Caleb.
“You two are in the Emerald Forest.” A mysterious voice responded, the boys looked at the spot where the voice originated to see a lone Snivy wearing a green and blue scarf with a triangular pattern on it.
“How much of our conversation did you overhear?” Caleb asked the strange Pokémon.
“Almost all of it, by the way my name is Charlotte!” She answered, smiling.
The boys looked at each other before Callum asked Charlotte “Did you happen to overhear our names?” She nodded “If you want I can lead you out of this Mystery Dungeon. After all, my dream is to be in a rescue team!” The boys looked at each other in confusion and then looked back at Charlotte.
“What is a Mystery Dungeon?” They asked in unison.
Charlotte’s eyes widened “Are you pulling my leg? Everyone knows what a Mystery Dungeon is...unless you’re from a different world or something.” she joked, causing the boys to suddenly go silent. “A Mystery Dungeon is a place that is always changing like a labyrinth. Wild Pokémon make their homes here, but they can be very territorial to the point where they will knock out any unsuspecting Mon.” Charlotte explained.
Emerald Forest BF1
Caleb nodded and responded “I guess we have no choice but to follow you, as we are kinda new at fighting. Charlotte nodded and led the way while the brothers followed.
“I guess I’ll have to teach you how to attack, despite being a different type.” Charlotte mumbled to herself before looking at the duo and asking. “You know about type advantages and disadvantages, correct?”
The boys nodded and Caleb spoke up. “Fire burns Grass, Grass absorbs Water, and Water smoulders Fire!” Charlotte nodded before the trio stumbled upon a wild Weedle.
“Alright Caleb, you’re up! Try to spit a fireball at it!” Charlotte instructed, Caleb nodded and felt a small fireball erupt from his stomach and make its way up to the inside of his mouth, and then finally releasing it from his mouth and successfully hitting the Weedle and knocking it out cold.
“That was extremely uncomfortable!” Caleb said gagging, then Callum came up to his brother and whispered to him.
“What did it feel like to attack with your fire?” Caleb had to think about it for a moment before responding.
“It felt like I was hurling, but without the awful aftertaste.” Suddenly the group was faced with an unnatural looking staircase that stuck out like a sore thumb. Charlotte turned towards the boys and beckoned them to follow.
“This way.” She said before beginning to climb, the brothers shrugged at each other before following their new companion.
Emerald Forest BF2
Once the trio emerged from the staircase, Callum and Caleb turned around only to see that the staircase they had climbed had mysteriously disappeared. Callum turned to Charlotte and asked. “Where did the stairs go?”
Charlotte thought about it for a moment before answering with a shrug. “Nobody knows, not even Arceus. It has always been one of life’s greatest mysteries.” The boys looked at each other and shared the same concerned expression before continuing on. After a few minutes of mindless wandering, the trio encountered a Geodude.
“Callum, it’s your turn!” Charlotte exclaimed, Callum then nodded and puffed up his cheek and released a stream of water from his beak that successfully hit the opposing Geodude causing it to faint. “Excellent job, you’re a natural!” Charlotte praised, causing him to blush.
“Th-Thanks… I-It was No-Nothing” Callum stammered nervously in response causing Caleb to giggle.
“Alright you two, only one more floor to complete, Then I’ll show you around my hometown. It isn’t very often we get visitors!” Charlotte said excitedly before continuing to speak. “Speaking of, where are you guys from?” she asked the boys as the group climbed another set of stairs.
Emerald Forest BF3
Once the trio had successfully reached the third floor, the brothers managed to convince Charlotte to sit down on a stump to listen.
“The truth is, me and my brother aren’t actually Pokémon, we are actually from a different dimension, and-“ Caleb was suddenly interrupted by Callum.
“We were brought here by Arceus, we are actually Hu-“ Caleb covered Callum’s mouth before he could finish the sentence and gave his little brother a disapproving look, meanwhile Charlotte’s jaw dropped.
“You… Met… Arceus!? Charlotte stammered, the brothers nodded with the utmost seriousness. “Did he say why he brought you here?” Charlotte asked the boys and they shook their heads.
“Nope… he didn’t mention anything about why he did it.” Caleb responded to Charlotte’s question and sighed. Charlotte pondered it before resuming their journey, which was uninterrupted the rest of the way. Once the group had reached the exit, they emerged from a sizable opening in the trees, Charlotte of course being the first to emerge followed by the brothers.
“Welcome to my home, Maple Town” Charlotte said with an outstretched hand.
I’ll start with some general thoughts: I read the first two chapters so I’ll be commenting on those. You’ve got a lot of potential with your descriptions, and I enjoyed the way you characterized Arceus as a jolly, friendly god figure. I’m wondering what his motives are for pulling Caleb and Callum into the PMD world?
I’ll be replying to specific quotes, so I’ll condense them under a spoiler here:
“Boys! It’s time for school, you’re going to be late!” Mrs. Garcia yelled from downstairs at her two boys, Callum and Caleb who were both playing Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield, respectively. “Coming!” They responded to their mother in unison. Caleb gave his brother a smug look, “Last one there is a rotten egg!” He said to his brother before booking it downstairs, “Hey! No fair, I wasn’t ready!” Callum wined to his older brother.
I like that you didn’t spend too long with the opening scene and that you cut to the chase pretty quickly. One thing I’ve noticed, though, is that you often have several lines of dialogue in one paragraph. Paragraph breaks should happen every time a new character speaks, so this paragraph above should look like this:
“Boys! It’s time for school, you’re going to be late!” Mrs. Garcia yelled from downstairs at her two boys, Callum and Caleb. They were both playing Sword and Shield, respectively.
“Coming!” they responded to their mother in unison.
Caleb gave his brother a smug look. “Last one there is a rotten egg!” he said before booking it downstairs.
“Hey! No fair, I wasn’t ready!” Callum whined. *
Disregard the bold, I just bolded it so you can distinguish the passage from my notes. Yellow marks are where I made some changes, either by splitting up run-on sentences or fixing some grammar mistakes. The asterisk at the end indicated I cut several words from that last sentence.
Sorry if that’s a lot to take in—for now, just focus on creating new paragraphs each time a different character speaks! :) It will make a world of a difference and help your writing flow a lot more smoothly!
The boys laughed before their mother entered the room holding a copy of the game in each hand, and then handing them to both Callum and Caleb. “Thank you mom!” They answered sheepishly in unison.
Caleb raised an eyebrow, “Is this some sort of elaborate prank?” he asked, turning his head to his younger brother. “I was about to ask you the same thing.” Callum responded. All of a sudden the text on both screens changed to
“I can assure you that this is not a prank, so what is your response to my offer?”
Both boys were stunned into silence before they looked at each other before nodding. “We accept!” the siblings' answer seemed to reverberate throughout the room before ending abruptly. Then a harsh white light erupted from both of the console’s screens, the light was so intense that Callum and Caleb had to shield their eyes, only to be enveloped by it moments later. After a few minutes the light faded, only for Callum to realize that his entire arm was now glowing that same white.
gonna break down this paragraph as well! This time I’m going to focus on some run-on sentences, since you have quite a few throughout the story so far:
Both boys were stunned into silence before they looked at each other before noddingand nodded. (Having two “befores” in this sentence made it a little awkward, so just one does the trick.) “We accept!”
the siblings'Their answer seemed to reverberate throughout the room before ending abruptly. Then a harsh white light erupted from both of the console’s screens. (Split this into two sentences here.) The light was so intense that Callum and Caleb had to shield their eyes, only to be enveloped by it moments later.
After a few minutes the light faded, only for Callum to realizeand Callum realized that his entire arm was now glowing that same white. (Cut down some words to make it more direct.)
I hope this helps a little! Try to be aware of where you can cut some words to make sentences more straightforward, and don’t be afraid to split sentences into two seperafe
“Before you can enter, I need you two to answer some questions.” Arceus instructed, Callum spoke up “Are they going to be math questions? I hate math!”
“What kind of music do you prefer? Punk Rock, Pop, Classical or Marching?” Callum was the first to answer the question “I like Pop music!” He exclaimed, before Caleb responded with; “Marching.” Arceus nodded before turning around saying. “I must leave now, but I know we will meet again, just not as you are now.” he then faded leaving both Caleb and Callum standing there.
These questions were helpful to get the readers to know a little more about Callum and Caleb, but I wonder if there isn’t a better way to showcase their personalities here. I know all PMD games start with a personality quiz, but maybe instead you could have Arceus ask what Pokemon they would want to be, and why. Let their personalities show in their reasoning to those answers rather than the personality quiz.
LOL I love how kind and considerate Arceus is up until this point and then it’s just OKAY BYE I AM DROPPING YOU FROM THE SKY NOW. Somehow that kinda fits if you’re going for a jolly, somewhat mischievous personality.
Overall, I see lots of potential in your writing style! I suggest finding a beta reader, as they can help you breathe even more life into your writing and can help out with streamlining sentences, creating new paragraphs, etc. :) Best of luck to you! I hope you continue to have fun with writing :)
Hiya, I was meaning to review this when I saw you were new to the forums, but I'm running a bit late. Welcome to the forums; hope you've been having a good time!
In general I think this is a cute opening. I like the idea of having both of the protagonists be siblings; being sucked into the PMD situation is a stressful and alienating experience and it's interesting to look at it from the perspective of two people who know each other. I also like how you're able to use this to create a lot more tension/stress in scenarios where it might otherwise be hard (since normally the PMD partner is a bit of a stranger). The beginning, where both brothers get sucked out of reality, is genuinely terrifying and it's a powerful image to think of them reaching out for one another and being unable. It seems like they adjust well to their landing in a strange world, which is good, but I'm curious how their relationship will fare in upcoming chapters--I'd ride or die with my sister, but being turned into a Pokemon would definitely test our limits I feel!
I do think it's pretty cute how lockstep the two of them are, and how they definitely telegraph as children. "Arceus comes out of my game cartridge" feels more akin to a Lavender town creepypasta, but it's kind of endearing to see these two kids look at that and are just like, "yup, I want in, seems like a great idea." Child POV is always interesting because you can use it to sweep over things that adults might find horrifying--is it scary being in a new body? Do they miss Mom? How will they get back, and what kind of destiny is Arceus actually promising them, and why didn't he just warn them about it instead of being all vague about it? But those can more or less be brushed under the rug since the story is being told by the kids, and they mostly just seem super pumped to be here, which lets you focus on the more exciting elements of the world. I'm curious if they'll end up losing some of that resolve if things start getting tough; I haven't played all of the PMD games but I know they don't stay sunshine and roses forever.
We also get to see a little about how Callum and Caleb are different--Callum strikes me as very Quiet, introspective, and pensive, while Caleb is definitely more of a go-getter who's unafraid to stick his head into trouble. It seems very fitting for a piplup/charmander pair. I really liked the bit where Caleb tries to breathe fire--Callum is very curious about how it feels, what it's like; and Caleb is just like "lmao that was uncomfortable; let's go again!" It's a really endearing dynamic between the two of them. I do feel like these chapters go by pretty quickly even though there's a lot of actual plot happening in them (we go from playing videogames to meeting capital-G God in the first chapter, goodness), so while I wouldn't say that there should be more action happening in each chapter, I do think you'd benefit from spending a little more time with the characters. I think in fiction some scenes are pretty "loud" (like meeting capital-G God and being told it's your destiny to save a parallel world), and some scenes are "quiet" (like watching your newly-lizarded brother describe how it feels to breathe fire); in general, it's good to have some time to get the feel for how your characters react to the "loud" events and action--since reacting to things around us is what makes us relatable as people/characters.
Charlotte thought about it for a moment before answering with a shrug. “Nobody knows, not even Arceus. It has always been one of life’s greatest mysteries.”
I sort of love this line tbh. It fits really well with the vibe of Callum/Caleb not really questioning why Arceus did this to him, what it actually means to be a Pokemon, how their new world works, etc--it's just kind of a general shrug; this is how the world works! I love how they're kind of interested in the stairs, since, yeah, coming from our world it's kind of weird that the stairs are gone; but to Charlotte, that's just how things are. Same as trying to explain gravity to someone who's never seen it; most of us would just shrug and say that things fall down.
Charlotte strikes me as a bit of a blank slate right now; she's super helpful but more or less she's mostly there to help the boys acquaint to the new world. I'm curious what her role in future chapters will end up being, especially since she's way more surprised than they are that they met God lol.
I have some notes on grammar in the spoiler if you're interested--I only focused on punctuating dialogue, since that's basically the most common thing you'll encounter when you're writing stories, and if you nail that you're well on your way to consistently getting everything else.
So there are basically two types of ways that dialogue can be introduced, and also two types of ways that dialogue can end.
Dialogue can either be introduced with a "said"-type verb, or it can be introduced with an action:
He said with a friendly tone / He answered with a bow [note that "answered" isn't "said", but is a synonym for it]
Arceus let out a booming laugh.
In the first case, I like to think of the He said bit as part of the dialogue itself--they sort of go hand in hand, right? What is he saying? Oh, he's saying, "a thing." So it makes sense to treat them as part of the same sentence, not two separate sentences. In that case, we'd want to join the dialogue with the "he said" using a comma, like so.
"After all, I invited you here," he said with a friendly tone. "I'm Caleb," he answered with a bow.
But in the second case, where someone is just doing an action and then saying some dialogue (or saying some dialogue and then doing an action), it makes sense to keep those two as separate sentences. So we'd want a period between them, to denote that the dialogue and the action are happening separately.
Arceus let out a booming laugh. "There's no need to be formal, children."
ez peasy, right?
Dialogue can end as either a statement or as a non-statement:
"There's no need to be formal, children. After all, I invited you here." [statement]
"I'm Caleb!" [exclamation] // "Is this some sort of elaborate prank?" [question]
It's pretty easy to tell which is which: statements will end in periods (.), whereas non-statements (which are either exclamations or questions) will end in exclamation marks (!) or question marks (?).
When you have a statement in dialogue, you can follow the rules above for how dialogue is introduced, and you should be all set. For non-statements, you do something a little trickier--you leave the exclamation/question mark there, so readers can tell that the sentence isn't a statement, but you also leave the next part of the sentence lowercased, like so: "I'm Caleb!" he answered with a bow. "Is this some sort of elaborate prank?" he asked [this one was correct! just wanted to include it in the list of examples though.
Soooooo, following those rules, we can rewrite the sentences as:
And that's it! Punctuating dialogue is kind of a pain at first, and it takes a little while for the rules to become intuitive, but I think nailing that down is easily the most important grammar change you can do. Let me know if you have any questions!
Overall I think this is a cute story so far. Hope the boys are able to figure out what's up, and good luck with your upcoming chapters!
Heya, belated welcome to the forums! I too took a look at this whole story as it stands. I'm here to provide some extra feedback as well!
First thing I'll note after reading it all is that it looks like these chapters are very short and sweet, though it could use some bulking up, certainly, to help me get more familiar with the characters and what they're doing. A little description about the setting or the environments they're going through, how they're adjusting to their new bodies, and so on would be a great way to start. The world of Pokemon can be a wonderful place, and playing with those senses can be a good way to immerse the reader in that world!
Some running commentary as I was reading through:
Interesting that they're playing Sword and Shield but only now are getting Super Mystery Dungeon, timeline wise. Thought that was a funny thing. Then again, the fandom is getting more attention...
Arcrus' opening line sounds like a cosmic Nigerian Prince scam, ha. I'd be immediately skeptical, though credit where it's due, so were the boys until the game talked back.
Small note, but "All of a sudden" is a bit of an informal phrase to use as part of narrative prose. While some of it is stylistic, I don't think it's quite the intended effect here and could use more formalizing.
Quite an opening chapter! One thing I found interesting was how it had a bit of a horror and terror aspect at the premise, which all things considered was quite a fair reaction. It's almost a shame that it went away so quickly in the following chapter, since I felt that kind of skepticism or creeping dread would make for good initial drama, at least for coming to terms with whatever it is they had been ambiguously tasked to do.
Chapter 2 was basically the personality quiz, except the light from the games is actually Arceus. Makes sense. I do think it's a little funny that the god of all Pokemon can't just analyze their personalities, minds, or otherwise directly, and instead goes through that quiz! I wonder how many days he spent crafting it for that moment.
There is much less terror in this chapter and I kind of hoped that they would try to question him a little more strongly about his motivations or any efforts he had in contacting them. In the end, maybe this is just a means for the story to get the two boys into the world, but I certainly wonder where that'll go. Just the simple variable of having two humans instead of just one would lead to new elements we haven't seen in the games normally!
Third chapter makes me realize that perhaps this isn't just a Super replica, but something perhaps like an offshoot of it? Charlotte is clearly important because of the scarf and my savviness with the canon story, but a few things seem to be slightly different. It's not Serenity Village, for example.
Now that I'm caught up, one critique I think I can add is that the pace is a bit fast and slow. Slow because we are still at the beginnings of things and there isn't a huge intrigue on what's different about this story from the main one other than some location names and small remixes. I hope I an see more of those distinguishing features in the next chapters! Next, I think the boys as well as our first Pokemon they meet are a little quick to believe everything they hear.
Even a little skepticism in passing would be a great way to flesh them out and maybe justify their thought process and actions a little more. As of now, they are rapidly going through the beats but I don't quite have a strong sense of their personality. The test they took was superficial and gave some basics, but I don't yet have a firm grasp of how they truly act in the moment, you know? That's something I hope there can be more of so we can get to know the main characters more.
As a final side note, I'm not sure if this is a formatting issue or a style issue, but I think your story would do better if it only had the titles centered, while everything else was default left-aligned. It's not really a big thing, but it is more standard and a little easier to read.
Thanks for the read, and while these chapters are very short, I do appreciate that things get accomplished in each one. I personally might have merged all three of them into a single chapter separated by scene breaks, but some chapters are just shorter. And each one also very clearly has a specific task to be done. Perhaps you can keep that same pace while adding more time to describing how people are thinking, what they're seeing, and the world they're exploring to really flesh out the basic story beats you already have going.
Until then, though, good luck! Here's to the two boys finding their purpose with their new Snivy companion.
Hello! Hope you're doing well! Here's my review for Chapter 1, 2 and 3.
To start with, here's my personal take on the chapter.
I usually prefer reading long chapters as I can never get enough of something I like. But there are some short chapters and stories that have their own little charm.
This is one of them, although, I personally feel like it was a bit too short and I think the chapter could've been expanded upon. But there is something the shortness of the chapter highlighted, and it was about how quick and straight to the point it was, and I think it was done so with pretty good delivery.
And I've spotted some mistakes like grammar issues and typos but those will be dealt with later.
Anyway, the beginning was fast and got to the point pretty quickly. You didn't muddle up the beginning with any unimportant details and I kinda like it, though it feels like you could've spent at least a short moment to describe how each brother look like. 'cause not gonna lie, when I read Callum's name, I'd thought we'd be getting X's male protag into PMD. The reason why I think you should've spent some time describing (even if they're not gonna be human by the next Chapter), is that by providing descriptions of their environment or their appearance, it helps the readers visualize the world around them and can help the immersion.
Most short stories I've read that had chapters under 1k words mostly use established and well-known charactrrs, and they do sometimes spare a sentence or two to describe a lesser known character or Oc. This helps their world feel more alive and helps with the immersion.
Here are some examples on short and quick descriptions that could breathe more life into your characters. [Callum wore a blue T-shirt and a pair of jeans while Caleb had a red cap with a grey plaid shirt./Mrs. Garcia was a brunette in her mid-30s.]
Chapter 1 was quick and cute, the interactions between the two brothers were lovely and I liked how they don't take things too seriously and the way they act feel like they're actually siblings. Their cutesy and loving dynamic makes it more wholesome to read and enjoy.
Chapter 2 was cute, I liked how Arceus is portrayed as a friendly, happy-go-lucky God rather than the more common 'cannot interfere with mortals' and superiority-complex Arceus. It's a pretty refreshing take.
However, I don't quite enjoy the part about the personality test. I felt like it wasn't quite necessary and that you could've shown their personality through show rather than tell. It cuts readers off of the immersion if you tell your readers everything rather than showing them.
And then there comes Chapter 3 and we're finally in the juicy bits.
Starting with the newcomer, Charlotte. She has a lovely personality and I see great potential in her interactions with the boys. However, she feels pretty bland right now, only chiming in with short and small actions. That can be okay if she's not gonna be a character that'll be featured often in the story but I get the feeling that she will be. Right now, she feels blank and you could expand her personality by showing off how she reacts to certain things, what she thinks of the two and any other small actions that you think she'd do.
The part where the boys use their moves were good, you didn't delve too much into how they use their attacks and that adds a certain charm to it that I don't know how to describe. It was fun, and I liked it.
Anyway, here's the things I've spotted that could be fixed. (It's mostly gonna be some typos and spelling errors since the other reviews above already did a pretty good job explaining some problems.
You should add a comma between 'answered' and 'smilling'
Overall, I think this story has great potential. It may be rough around the edges but with enough practice and care, I'm sure you can make something amazing with this.
Employing a beta-reader can help in making your story more polished and if the time comes, you could bounce ideas with them and they could keep you company.
Anyway, take care! Keep enjoying what you love! Looking forward to the next chapter!
The boys were flabbergasted by how bright and vibrant the colors were. It was akin to something you would see in a picture book. “You live here!? Wow this reminds me of that time we went to New York back home!” Caleb said to his little brother, before noticing a small tear forming from his left eye Caleb knelt down on one knee and faced Callum before wiping the tear off his cheek.
“Hey, it’s Ok! We’ll find a way home! I promise!” Caleb said to his brother in a calm reassuring voice while stroking his head lovingly. Callum nodded before wiping the tears from his eyes using his blue flippers.
“Okay! I believe you…” Callum replied before the trio began their descent down the hill that overlooked the town.
Countless stalls lined the dirt road with the occasional fork, leading to many different buildings. “Almost there!” Charlotte said, glancing back at the boys, before the trio stopped in front of a beautiful Rose style Cottage with a roof made of hay.
“Make yourselves at home!” She said as she swung the door open, which revealed a medium sized room with a table and three chairs, a kitchen island, a wood stove, and other kitchen necessities.
The boys were speechless for a little bit before Caleb whispered to Callum, “I didn’t know that Pokémon live similar lifestyles to our kind.” Callum shrugged.
“You learn something new every day.” He responded, all of a sudden the trio heard a couple noises.
The boys looked down to their stomachs and abruptly realized that they hadn’t had supper yet. “Actually me and my brother haven’t eaten our dinner yet, so we are quite peckish.” Caleb said to Charlotte while rubbing his stomach.
“I can cook something for you two! I make the best salads!” Charlotte responded joyfully before looking in her pantry and pulling out some ingredients and cutting them up.
“There are two guest bedrooms, just walk down the left hallway and there should be one on either side.” Charlotte explained while using her retractable vines to point where she instructed, the boys then walked down the corridor and chose their rooms.
Both bedrooms were pretty small and contained a circular nest made of hay and a drawer with strange indented light blue rings and blue and green scarves, just like the one Charlotte wore
Soon Charlotte called the boys for their meal, and they made their way towards the dining room. When they sat down at the table they were both greeted with a bowl of salad with seeds, berries, lettuce and a side of applesauce. “It’s my special recipe, Enjoy!” The boys picked up their wooden utensils and absolutely devoured the salads.
Once the trio had finished their meals, Charlotte picked up a brown duffel bag, slung the bag around her body and said “I need to go get some supplies, come with me and I’ll show you around town.”
The boys nodded and followed her to a shop that looked like a Kecleon, where Charlotte waved at the owner who was also a Kecleon “Hello Keaton! How are you doing this fine afternoon?” She asked the bipedal green chameleon as she bolted towards him, with the boys following closely behind.
The Kecleon smiled before responding. “Fine, Thank you! and who might you be?” he asked, turning towards Callum and Caleb who nodded and introduced themselves to the shop clerk who nodded and smiled “It’s always nice to meet new people! Welcome to the Kecleon shop, I’m Keaton!” He responded before taking a bow and continuing on.
“I sell all sorts of useful merchandise for exploring Mystery Dungeons!” After he finished explaining to the boys, Charlotte spoke up.
“Speaking of, do you happen to have any Reviver Seeds or Tiny Reviver Seeds in stock today?”
Keaton nodded and asked “How many do you want?”
Charlotte thought for a minute before answering “I’ll take a few, since I have a couple of new friends to worry about.”
Keaton rang Charlotte in using the wooden cash register and said “That’ll be Two-Thousand, Four Hundred Poké.”
Charlotte grumbled and took out the amount required for the purchase from the bag and handed it to the Kecleon before receiving three small seeds with a small sprout poking out, and quickly put them in the bag before walking towards a booth with a pharaoh looking structure with a Cofagrigus floating behind a pile of gold bars.
“How are you today Charlotte? I see you have some new friends, Caleb and Callum, are their names correct?” The boys nodded looking rather shocked before the strange coffin laughed.
“Keaton told me about you two, my name is Midas. Welcome to my Gold Bar exchange!” He bowed before Charlotte took out four bars of gold out of the satchel and said.
“I’ll take some of your Poké in exchange for a couple of these, and I’ll also take five reviver seeds.” Midas nodded and gave Charlotte the seeds and one-thousand, one hundred and ten Poké for all of the bars which she quickly stuffed them in her bag before waving goodbye and walking back towards her residence with the boys following.
…
After arriving at the house the brothers immediately went into their respective rooms that they chose earlier and fell asleep.
