zion of arcadia
too much of my own quietness is with me
- Pronouns
- she/her
- Partners
-
Beta read by MadderJacker and DemiurgicPen. Also got some advice from Shadow of Antioch.
Pizza with a Slice of Pain
Long ago, Mt. Travail was a terrible place indeed. The mystery dungeon's peaks and ridges loomed over their surroundings with a brooding ferocity. But then one day a drowzee scaled Mt. Travail's vicious hide, resting atop the crown to repent far away from society. Everything changed. His soul touched the heart of the mountain, transforming the mystery dungeon's spirit into one of benevolence rather than malevolence. Some say the drowzee and the mystery dungeon merged after his death, although no one knows the truth of the matter.
What was true, however, was that as time passed, Officer Magnezone and his deputies began using Mt. Travail more and more often as a place to house outlaws. The dungeon proved receptive to their needs, providing food and water and shelter, and, more importantly, a peculiar quirk: those who entered could only leave when they were ready. No one had ever escaped Mt. Travail.
Many, many years went by. The human and his partner who had saved the world faded into the mists of myth. But Mt. Travail remained, a steadfast home for those who had lost their way.
It was a warm summer's eve when Raine Whiffletwist arrived.
Most inhabitants were enjoying their supper in the mess hall. Glittering red crystals spiraled out of the vast arches high above the heads of even the largest pokémon, shining a gentle light over long stone tables filled with assorted mushrooms. The mushrooms were a special sort, capable of tasting like whatever foodstuff desired most.
For Eloise the furret, they tasted like pizza and waffle fries. The mushrooms were good if lacking the texture of the aforementioned food. But she minded little, content to nibble away at her meal, tucked far away from other pokémon in her own little corner of the mess hall.
The large stone doors banged open. A ripple spread through the room as everyone glanced up. In strode Raine Whiffletwist, a rather impressive looking grimmsnarl covered in thick silver fur—although his green skin and hint of dark roots rather gave away the truth—flanked on either side by magnemite deputies.
Raine Whiffletwist leapt onto one of the stone tables, knocking over a mound of mushrooms in the process. A nearby quilava growled his displeasure but was ignored. Raine Whiffletwist placed both claws on his voluptuous hips and declared: "Greetings! I am Raine Whiffletwist; yes, that Raine Whiffletwist, bane of the Grass Continent, the dashing and debonair human-turned-grimmsnarl, capable of striking fear into the heart of even the most intrepid exploration team."
This was, of course, a lie. Raine Whiffletwist had been born an ordinary impidimp, and grew up engaging in all manner of traditional fairy work. Such as but not limited to: kidnapping small children, leading travelers astray, attending morning choir, and other generic evil rot. But this backstory was far too banal and mundane for the likes of Raine Whiffletwist! Therefore he improvised, aiming instead for the rare and exotic.
Everyone silently appraised Raine Whiffletwist. Grandstanding was nothing new to the halls of Mt. Travail, but it had been some time since someone made an entrance quite like this one. Eloise straightened from where she had sunk down low in her seat, ears perking with interest.
"If you're so great 'n all, how'd you get caught?" asked the annoyed quilava. Many of the surrounding pokémon tittered. Unruffled, Raine Whiffletwist clapped his hands together.
"A most excellent question! For you see, the great Raine Whiffletwist would never allow himself to be captured under normal circumstances by mere magnemite"—he realized he had positioned himself off-center between the two behind him, and edged to the right, knocking over more innocent mushrooms in the process—"no offense meant, of course."
"None taken," said one of the magnemite in their typical monotone, "we shall depart now."
"In but a moment, my good fellows." Raine Whiffletwist's arms fluttered about, the tendril-like fur flaring in synchronicity with his speech patterns. "But yes. I allowed myself to be brought here so that I could be the first to escape Mt. Travail! My legend will indubitably grow ever-reaching once I accomplish such a miraculous feat."
Surprised glances were exchanged within the mess hall. The quilava scoffed, unimpressed. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."
"Indeed." Raine Whiffletwist beamed, baring his impressive fangs, before dismissing the deputies with another theatrical wave. "Thank you for your time, gentlemen. Truly, the scene set would not have been nearly so striking without your stoic presence to provide stark contrast."
Both magnemite bobbed in response, taken aback by their own sudden onset of bashfulness. After all, were they not a rather impressive, intimidating sight? See how their metal hulls gleamed in the dim lighting, how their singular eye swept the hall in alienating surveillance. It felt good to have these facts acknowledged by one as notorious as Raine Whiffletwist.
"We appreciate your gratitude, even if we cannot condone your general villainy. Have a pleasant day." With that declaration made loud and clear, they left, a new spring to their levitating step.
Raine Whiffletwist sprang off the table, settling beside the quilava. He plucked a particularly plump mushroom from the table and popped it into his mouth. Flames rumbled to life around the quilava's collar, the surrounding temperature skyrocketing. Tension quivered in the air while something else, something curious, lurked just beneath the surface of the hall.
The quilava snorted, turning his back on the grimmasnarl; he knew fighting was forbidden within most of Mt. Travail's hallowed chambers. Instead, he gestured toward his mates. They moved away, deserting Raine Whiffletwist and the others. This was perfectly acceptable to Raine Whiffletwist, who continued devouring his meal. Not bad, not bad at all. The mushrooms tasted like the warm milk proper fearful folk left out to placate his ilk.
Eloise summoned her courage, hesitantly leaving her own private corner. She slinked toward Raine Whiffletwist, avoiding any cracks in the stone floor. Halfway there she paused. The space between them stretched onward forever. No matter how many steps Eloise took, she would never close the gap. Other pokémon were staring, were they not? Surely they must be.
(They were not.)
Panic almost overwhelmed Eloise. Her breath hitched and she flattened her belly, hunkering close to the floor. Cool stone soaked through fur and flesh as Mt. Travail soothed her. The space once again looked manageable; Raine Whiffletwist wasn't so far away after all. Steeling herself, Eloise closed the gap.
"Um… hello," she said.
Raine Whiffletwist blinked, glanced around, then finally glanced down. He grinned. "Why hello there! What brings you here? Have you come to be regaled with more thrilling, adventurous tales of danger and mystery and woe?"
"Oh, no. Or, um, I don't think so. Maybe?" Eloise frowned, suddenly uncertain. "I guess, well, are you really human?"
"Certainly, m'dear. I promise you, anything that passes from my lips to your ears is most assuredly the truth and nothing but the truth."
Eloise hesitated, but decided to trust him. He had a nice voice. What did she have to lose, anyway?
She lowered her voice. "Well… I-I'm a human, too. Or was."
"What?!" Raine Whiffletwist raised his voice.
Several pokémon turned at the noise. Eloise flinched, shrinking away, the tip of her tail flicking back and forth. Some of Raine Whiffletwist's over-exaggerated posture relaxed. When he spoke again, it was softer, gentler.
"Many pardons. I was just surprised."
"I-I was surprised too." Eloise scuffed the ground with her paw, refusing to meet Raine Whiffletwist's gaze. "I'd heard stories about other humans becoming pokémon, but I didn't think I'd ever, um, meet one."
Raine Whiffletwist's mind raced. This was an opportunity to learn more about the mysterious, elusive hoo-man, thus further fleshing out his already grandiose backstory. But he would have to tread carefully, or else the furret would no doubt learn of his ruse. What a stroke of luck! He should have gotten caught ages ago.
"Yes, I only met one other human-turned-pokémon in my various travels. Was a gibbering lunatic, poor sod." Raine Whiffletwist made the symbol of yveltal over his breast, nodding solemnly.
This was mostly true, although the human-turned-pokémon in question had not gibbered so much as mumbled incoherently. When Raine Whiffletwist tried teaching him the finer points of dictation, it only worsened his condition. Not one for enunciation, that lad.
"Oh, that's so sad." And also mildly alarming. Eloise hoped the madness wasn't as contagious as it appeared.
"Never you mind. I have a feeling we were brought together not by accident, but by fate. A sign that my historical escape is favored by destiny!" Raine Whiffletwist struck a pose. Eloise had no idea how to respond, head tilted askance. Then Raine Whiffletwist frowned, tapping his own cheek. "What did bring you here, anyway?"
Little Eloise was hardly the outlawing vagabond type. She shuffled her feet, face heating up.
"Uh, right. Well, when I first woke up several months ago, I didn't really know what was going on. And I got hungry, and there was this blanket with seeds on it, so…"
"You stole from Kecleon? Ah, unfortunate. And outrageous! Why are you still here of all places?" Raine Whiffletwist demanded. He was an absolute cad, it made sense for him to be locked away. Someone should never suffer for the sake of survival.
"Oh. Oh!" Eloise's eyes widened, and she at last dared to meet his stare. "I've been able to leave pretty much since I arrived. They brought me here for the food. I just, well, haven't. Left, that is. I-I kind of like it here."
Raine Whiffletwist was flabbergasted. Who would want to stay here of all places? Just traveling to the mess hall had been boring. Grey, brown, grey, some more brown, such intolerable monotony that no amount of discerningly placed crystals could ever fix. Stuffy inscriptions in pillars with trite sayings such as In Reflection Comes Tranquility abounded around every corner.
(Now, some might argue that one who had once unashamedly rhymed time with thyme was not one with the keenest of mind needed for subtle architectural decisions—but such an observation was far too petty for anyone harboring obviously superior taste in interior design.)
"Why?" Raine Whiffletwist's curiosity was genuine. Much of the wide world was strange and varied and mysterious and, best of all, hostile. Mt. Travail took the mystery out of the term mystery dungeon.
"Because… because…" Eloise struggled finding the words to explain. She floundered for a few moments longer before changing her mind. "I could show you?"
Raine Whiffletwist made his decision immediately. He turned, gesturing toward the double doors with a flourish and a bow. "Lead the way, madame."
Self-conscious, Eloise took a few steps, then checked over her shoulder to make sure he was still there. Raine Whiffletwist was, in fact, still there. She went a few steps further before checking again. Raine Whiffletwist followed her lead. This stop-start motion carried them out the mess hall and down one of the many tunnels networking through the mountain.
Gradually, Eloise became more confident. Although the tunnels shifted like most mystery dungeons, Mt. Travail was simple to navigate, with many recognizable milestones marking specific cave systems. More than that, she trusted Mt. Travail to bring her where she wanted to go. And Mt. Travail trusted her to go where she was needed most.
Raine Whiffletwist remained quiet, cataloguing his surroundings, a mental map forming in his head. He would need every advantage he could get if he was to defeat this most wily foe. And, now that his shock had worn off, Raine Whiffletwist began to appreciate the good fortune of not only coming across a human-turned-pokémon, but a human-turned-pokémon who seemed intimately familiar with the dungeon, even if he could not for the life of him fathom the reason behind it.
Besides, there was something pleasant about watching a furret walk. The undulation of their long bodies, the pitter-patter of their adorable little paws, the rhythm of their rolling gait. Why, Raine Whiffletwist could almost hear a cheery jingle playing in his ear to the beat of Eloise's movement. How could one maintain any semblance of a dour mood in the face of such natural whimsy?
Eloise darted past glowing silver lichen into the cavern hidden behind it.
The differences were stark: a wool carpet blanketed the ground while a fire crackled in the brick fireplace. There was a long counter jutting out the far end of the cavern, as well as a wooden table and two chairs. On the table lay a checkered board decorated with the most curious figurines.
Raine Whiffletwist approached the board, intrigued. His large, furred claws dwarfed the pieces, but despite his insistent tugs, they remained rooted firmly in place. He tried a few more times before giving up with a shrug.
"What's all this about, then?"
Eloise was surprised. She sat up on her hind legs, more at ease here, away from the crowd. "You don't know chess?"
Raine Whiffletwist inwardly cursed. Some common human convention, no doubt. And he had already failed the first test. But then, a brilliant idea struck him.
"Unfortunately, I… have amnesia. There's very little about my former life that I can recall. My identity, gone with the wind! Truly a most depressing fate." Raine Whiffletwist sighed, briefly overcome by his own tragic past. "But we make do with what we have, yes?"
"My god, I'm so sorry." Eloise lowered herself back to the ground. She felt very stupid, and also disappointed. He probably couldn't help her figure out how they had transformed, then. This was no doubt becoming a waste of Raine Whiffletwist's time. "I-I didn't know. I'm sorry, that's awful…"
"You have nothing to apologize for, m'dear, for you could not have possibly known." Raine Whiffletwist lowered himself onto one knee, meeting her wayward gaze. "But, perhaps you could explain this chess? So I can get in touch with my humanity once more... mayhaps it'll even jog my memory."
"O-okay." Eloise brightened at the thought that she might be of service. She padded over to the chessboard, gathering herself before jumping onto the chair. Her body spooled onto the seat like an unwound thread. "Although I'm not that good. I played sometimes with my grandpa but that was about it…" She trailed off, homesick, before continuing. "It's a two-player game. All the different pieces move across the board in a specific way, and you want to try and capture the king."
She pointed at the specific pieces with her tail.
Raine Whiffletwist moved closer. "Fascinating."
Several figurines had been set aside. Eloise smiled. "I've been playing with Travis. He's slow but super smart. I haven't beaten him once yet."
Raine Whiffletwist stared blankly. The tip of Eloise's tail flicked upward at the ceiling. A pregnant pause followed, and then Raine Whiffletwist gasped, eyes lighting up. Surely not! And yet…?
(And yet, indeed!)
"I-I know it sounds silly." Eloise's tail curled around her paws, and she kept her gaze fixed on the chessboard. "He's a really good listener though."
"Incredible," Raine Whiffletwist marveled. If true, Mt. Travail was even more of an anomaly of a dungeon than anyone had realized. "How do you know for sure it, well, hmmm, him I suppose, is the one you're playing against?"
Eloise opened her mouth and then closed it. An awkward silence bloomed between them.
"Well, never mind that," Raine Whiffletwist said, sliding into the seat opposite her. "Tell me more about chess."
Grateful, Eloise seized the topic change with both tiny forepaws. She pointed out pieces, explaining their functions, and even moved a bishop to put pressure on the opposing king. It all sounded very strange to Raine Whiffletwist—castling, in particular, seemed too ridiculous to be real, more an invention of hatchlings that hated losing—but also quite fascinating. The hoo-mans were truly marvelous creatures.
He began revising his backstory. Raine Whiffletwist, a poor street urchin who spent much of his formative years with nothing but his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's chess set to keep him company. He honed his skills, suffering untold humiliations in the process, but eventually rose above and overcame everyone else, becoming Raine Whiffletwist the grand champion of chess.
Perhaps he should stick with the amnesia angle.
"Is this helping?" Eloise asked. Raine Whiffletwist blinked.
"The company is excellent, of course, but my memory is all rot still, I'm afraid. Perhaps if I could challenge this Travis to a match of my own…"
Eloise drooped a little, disappointed once more by her own uselessness, but then frowned. "Why?"
"Why not? If I am to escape this, this Travis, I must prove my worth to him in a match of raw brilliance and tactical verve."
"I guess. But why not just ask if you can leave?"
"Ask? Ask?!" Raine Whiffletwist stood, knocking the chair over in his eager outrage. "Does one ask the exploration team apprehending them to stand down? Of course not. A fight is requisite, a means to establish your strength."
Eloise's ears flicked back. Did Raine Whiffletwist have to be so loud? But he had been kind, so she straightened, quelling the urge to flee. "W-well, you can't really fight a dungeon, can you? And… and not everything has to be about fighting."
"Too right, too right. Only most things." Raine Whiffletwist laughed. "But for it to be an achievement, it has to be a struggle. No one has escaped Mt. Travail before, they say it cannot be done. That alone makes it a challenge, a challenge ripe to be plucked from its lofty high branch.
"Even if this 'asking' would work, which I'm not convinced it would, it would be too easy. There must be trials and tribulations! The lowest of the low points. Snow and wind and freezing cold as you trudge up the steep side of the mountain. Pain, agonizing pain, until at last, you crest the summit. And there before you, the world lying at your feet. Triumph. Satisfaction. Euphoria."
Raine Whiffletwist closed his eyes, feasting upon the mental imagery. Overcoming conflict and evolving from it: that was what it meant to be pokémon.
Eloise had no clue what to say. She gazed upon the crackling fire in the hearth, pensive, suddenly struck by her own inadequacy. Eloise played many chess games with Travis and never once beaten him. And she had taught him the rules. What did that say about her?
This world seemed so loud and angry sometimes.
"Surely there is something you want, m'dear. Something to strive for, yes?"
Of course, Eloise immediately knew the answer to his question. But it felt silly, childish even, to admit it, especially on the heels of Raine Whiffletwist's grandiose declaration. Eloise hesitated. He had soft eyes, though.
"Pizza," she said. "My family… owned a pizzeria. I wish I could make pizza again."
The heady scent of rising bread and melted cheese; the enormous vat she'd help stir yeast and sugar and water into; the bright taste of tomato sauce, oregano, and basil mixed together. Even more than that, the people, her grandfather and her brothers smiling and laughing together. Eloise missed it all dearly, missed them all dearly.
Raine Whiffletwist cocked his head. He wasn't quite sure what a pizza was, but he wasn't one to be fooled twice. Kneeling down to Eloise's eye level, he patted her on the head.
"Well, we'll have to see what we can do about that, won't we?"
Eloise smiled, a little teary-eyed, turning away to hide her sniffles. She was glad she had made a friend, it helped her feel less alone.
(Mt. Travail had been listening. Slowly, ever so slowly, it began to shift.)
…
Eloise brought Raine Whiffletwist back to her hideout the next day. She bounced on the balls of her paws, moving with far more confidence than before. They'd spent the previous day exploring the rest of Mt. Travail; Eloise liked the way Raine Whiffletwist bobbed his head knowingly whenever she explained something, even mundane things like the various shower routines everyone participated in. He moved with such exuberance, it energized her as well.
Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist halted at the sight of the hideout. The white rook had moved to E3 on the chessboard.
Two new caves flanked either side of the fireplace, which had transformed into a furnace. Various appliances decorated the long stone table. Eloise padded forward, somewhat cautious, and then brightened. Travis must've done this for them!
Raine Whiffletwist looked around suspiciously. Travis must've done this for them. Constant vigilance would be required.
The two caverns opened into two distinct tunnel systems.
The left was filled with food. Pepperoni stalactites spiraled from the ceiling, cheese stalactites blooming out of the ground. A lake of marinara sauce burbled off to the side. The shores of the lake were not sand but rather flour.
The right was filled with obstacles. Precarious platforms floated over a chasm of mist while jutting spikes and statues dangled from the ceiling. On the very, very far side lay an exit shrouded in more of the curious fog. Freedom, perhaps.
Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist found each respective cavern positively brilliant.
"Oh! Oh!" Eloise hopped up and down. She ran back into the other room, tail wrapped around a rolling pin, mouth dragging along a pizza pan. She had never cooked alone before but that wouldn't stop her now. "D-do you want some, too?"
Her words came out muffled.
"Never you mind, never you mind, I doubt I'll be here much longer." Raine Whiffletwist waved a hand, striding away, toward the obstacle course. He was intrigued by Eloise's strange rituals, but more importantly, he had a mountain to conquer. Still, all things told, this had been a delightful, worthwhile venture deserving of his legacy.
Raine Whiffletwist stretched for several minutes. From toe touches to side lunges to the vital glute bridge, he worked from top to bottom, slow but thorough. While cold stretching was often frowned upon—muscles would clench together more tightly as a result—the mysterious healing properties of the dungeon emboldened Raine Whiffletwist.
Perhaps it wasn't surprising someone like Eloise preferred to stay here if Travis coddled inmates this way. Raine Whiffletwist cracked his fingers, fur roiling as though it had a life of its own (which, technically, it did). The dark streaks grew bolder underneath the white dye, and Raine Whiffletwist flung himself forward, fur elongating along his arm, surging toward the nearest platform.
His body contorted itself, grotesque, bypassing the first set of spikes with ease. His fur hooked into the rock, dragging him forward. Easy. Too easy.
A hammer appeared out of nowhere, slamming into Raine Whiffletwist's midriff. Sharp pain cracked his ribs as he tumbled into the foggy void. Goodbye, cruel world was his last fleeting thought. If he must die, at least it would be death in pursuit of the miraculous.
Then Raine Whiffletwist blinked and found himself sprawled out on the entrance of the cavern. He sat up, grimacing, rubbing at his tender ribs. He looked around wildly before clapping his hands in grudging respect.
"Well played, Travis, old sport."
(Although Mt. Travail did not answer, it was, in truth, rather proud of its own cleverness as well.)
Raine Whiffletwist rolled his neck before trying again.
Meanwhile, Eloise was hard at work making her pizza. She couldn't wait to cook a big one to share with others. That had always been one of her favorite parts of working at the pizzeria, seeing the way people's faces would light up with pleasure when the food was delivered. Of course, it was less nice when they didn't enjoy their meal, but hopefully that wouldn't happen.
She sent a quick prayer of guidance to her grandfather, humming Pure Imagination under her breath as she kneaded flour and salt into dough. What if there was such a thing as pizza oompa loompas? What if oompa loompas had been pokémon all along? Shiny mr. mime, maybe?! Eloise peered at the marinara lake, a little suspicious.
Then she shrugged and continued humming, although she squeaked to a stop upon hearing a strange noise. Convinced it was Raine Whiffletwist, she whirled around, but there was no one there. Face hot with embarrassment, Eloise crept out of her own cavern to peek in on him.
Raine Whiffletwist was a rather alarming sight to behold. He had been pummeled, immolated, stabbed; his fur was a wild tangle seething around his battered form. He stood and roared something unintelligible before leaping toward the nearest platform. At the halfway point, a gout of flame shot out the side of the tunnel, sending him spiraling to the abyss and then back to the beginning, fur smoking but no longer set aflame.
Eloise decided to leave him alone. He looked busy. And scary.
While waiting for the bread dough to rise, she stared at the chess board. Paralyzed by indecision, she turned away. Eloise told Travis: "D-don't worry, I'll be sure to let you try some, too."
The ground beneath her paws rumbled softly. Eloise stared at the flour staining her fur white, struck by a sudden case of nerves. What if Travis didn't like it? What if Raine Whiffletwist stayed, and ended up disliking it too? She wished her grandpa was here to help.
Creeping back to the other cavern, she settled down to watch Raine Whiffletwist batter himself some more against Travis's traps and tricks.
After dozens of attempts, Raine Whiffletwist knew the ins and outs of the obstacle course. The exact angle the hammers would fall, the velocity of an unladen swellow, the patterns of the flame gouts, and so much more. All of it, he knew. All of his failures, he'd learned from. It had become second nature, knowledge turned reflex.
He was trying so hard. Travis had worked hard, too, no doubt, to answer their wishes. Eloise breathed in and out through her nose. She wouldn't let them down! Turning tail, she headed back into her little pizza cavern.
A hot, melted cheese scent began seeping through the caverns. Raine Whiffletwist groaned, stomach rumbling—he'd wasted so much energy healing—but remained strong. This was but another aspect of the test. He would prove himself, he would be the best, all would remember Raine Whiffletwist after this. Life was a competition he was determined to win.
Raine Whiffletwist believed this time would be the time he succeeded. The certainty caused his mouth to water. That or the scent of food. Details, details.
Eloise watched the first pizza in the fireplace stove cook. Had she spread the sauce evenly? Were the pepperoni slices arranged in a pleasing manner? A yowl echoed from the other room, and Eloise banished the intrusive thoughts. Time to focus.
Raine Whiffletwist roared again, asserting dominance, and began his trial once more. One last time, surely. He moved with elegance and grace despite how haggard he'd become, lithe body twisting as he swung from ropes of fur.
His eyes burned with conviction, a conviction that bordered on obsession. The swinging hammers were avoided with ease, the unladen swellows dodged with a flick of the wrist, the spiraling flames bypassed with manic laughter.
Raine Whiffletwist was so close he could almost taste it. He reached the last portion of the chasm, the part he'd failed every time, when all he'd learned converged upon him simultaneously. Never again! It was as though a third, inner eye had opened; he breezed through the section, past a cacophony of fire arrows and divebombing birds, landing on the other side without bothering to look at the fiery explosion behind him.
Victory. Far more delicious than any hoo-man delicacy. Satisfaction flooded through Raine Whiffletwist's being, validating all the frustration in that brief, addictive high.
He savored the sensation before stumbling through the mist—
And ending up right back where he started.
Raine Whiffletwist gazed across the length of the decimated chasm. After a moment, he straightened. "Ah, of course, only the first test. I see, I see. It was hatchling's play, after all. Sensible."
Travis was perhaps the only one worthy of being christened Raine Whiffletwist's arch-nemesis. Shame he was a mystery dungeon. Such an abstract concept would be difficult to visualize as a concrete story. This revelation cheered Raine Whiffletwist up. It also made it easier to ignore the pain in his ribs, which were almost assuredly broken. He limped back into the main cavern where Eloise was cutting her pizza into eight triangles. Such small portions!
"A-are you okay?" she squeaked, catching sight of him.
Raine Whiffletwist settled heavily beside her. "This? This is nothing in the face of my ever-present existential crisis. Have no fear, madame, I'm made of stern stuff."
When Eloise offered him a slice, he gobbled it down so fast he didn't even taste it. Eloise's eyes were round and large as saucers.
"Do you like it?"
Raine Whiffletwist took another slice, remembering to chew before swallowing. The hot cheese, the golden crunch of the crust, the texture of the red sauce; it was divine. He gave her two thumbs up.
Eloise's face brightened.
"My grandpa probably wouldn't approve," she confided. "He's very traditional. The whole lake business would be too unsanitary for him, I think."
"Nonsense," Raine Whiffletwist said. "The threat of disease only heightens the experience. Besides, one cannot get sick in a dungeon."
"Oh, yeah. Thanks, Travis!"
(Travis accepted her thanks with quiet dignity.)
It occurred to Raine Whiffletwist that he should go back to the drawing board. Travis had thwarted him, this time; he would no doubt need diligent forethought to prevail. Yet, Raine Whiffletwist was tired. And the pizza tasted truly excellent.
"D-did you remember anything?"
Raine Whiffletwist shook his head. Then he paused, head tilting theatrically. "There was, perhaps, an echo of a face. My parents, perhaps…?"
Eloise gasped.
They could well be king and queen of a long-lost kingdom. Or, perhaps, martyrs sacrificed in the name of a noble cause. Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist's thoughts raced with unknown—or untold—possibility.
She fidgeted, embarrassed, taking a slice and saving it for Travis before Raine Whiffletwist could devour the whole pizza.
"I-I'm not sure I could've made this without you," Eloise said. Raine Whiffletwist blinked.
"Truly?"
"You're very… bold. And good at knowing how to a-ask for what you want. How to work for it. It's kinda amazing."
Raine Whiffletwist was, well, he was touched. Warmth that had nothing to do with the food in his belly lit him up from the inside. He rather lost interest in fabricating further lies; he wanted to know more about Eloise, and inquired as such.
She fiddled with her sticky paws.
"My grandpa raised me. Before I came here, though, he was very sick. I don't know if he's okay."
Raine Whiffletwist frowned. He had never given much thought to his parents' fate. They were probably off terrorizing hapless villages in a far-flung corner of the world.
"But he makes great pizza?"
"The best!" Eloise beamed, muzzle crinkling, before licking some of the cheese clinging to the edges of her smile. She told Raine Whiffletwist about how they would always open the store together, laughing and dancing to crackly old-timey music coming out of a shoddy stereo all the while.
Going from listened to listener was a curious experience. But Raine Whiffletwist found he did not mind too much—aside from the occasional fidget—while his body consumed the legendary legacy pizza and healed itself. (Travis listened attentively as well, vaguely aware of the various pokémon also going about their daily routines. They milled about, content and contented.) All was peaceful for the moment.
Raine Whiffletwist polished off the rest of pizza. Eloise had lost herself in her own memories, expression relaxed and far away. Standing, Raine Whiffletwist stretched, his stomach bulging from the amount of food indulged.
He ambled over to the chess board, looking it over. After a scrutinizing pause, he pointed at a knight, long talon-like fingers slick with grease. "What would happen if you moved this one?"
"Hmm?" Eloise cocked her head, taking in the board positions. The knight was currently pressuring Travis's queenside rook. But if she ignored it, played aggressive…
The moves fell into place in a flash of insight. Eloise squeaked, then apologized, her apology broken up by said squeak. Paws trembling, she pushed the knight into a more offensive position. Checkmate in three.
Travis's king toppled over.
"We did it!" Eloise skipped around Rhaine Whiffletwist, overjoyed.
Raine Whiffletwist, meanwhile, had no idea what just happened. But Eloise's excitement proved infectious, so he smiled along with her looping victory dance.
It was strange. Under normal circumstances Rhaine Whiffletwist would feel like a cheat for helping Eloise win. But the glow of satisfaction spreading like wildfire through his veins felt eerily akin to earlier when he had conquered the maze.
"You're a natural, m'dear," he assured her. Eloise paused, ducking shyly away. She was rather proud of herself.
"I-I've probably di-dis-distracted you enough. Sorry."
"Never!" Raine Whiffletwist's barrel chest swelled. "This has been most invigorating. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to cut in and challenge you myself in Travis's stead. Best two out of three."
Raine Whiffletwist saw no reason to rush his dashing escapades. There was always tomorrow. There would always be tomorrow.
"Okay." Eloise smiled down at her paws.
Together they reset the board.
This was written for the oneshot contest, but it's also part of my own ongoing interest in exploring different genres and narrative structures. For this story, the genre was straight comedy/absurd caper, and I wanted it to feel like the pilot episode of a sitcom (I also had this realization that rescue teams are cops and my little pea brain exploded. in an alternate universe we'd be getting a grim dystopian fic exploring that lmao). Pilot episodes as a concept are often created before the rest of the show and used as a pitch for networks to pick up said show, which I've always found neat. Of course, I ran into the issue of figuring out how to conclude the oneshot in a satisfying way, since most sitcoms will end on a punchline fading into credits. I considered leaning more into the sitcom-style as a framing device, going a more conventional route and concluding by letting the two main characters escape, or testing out the "punchline ending". And then I ran out of time, haha. SO I just sort of winged it and made sure both main characters resolved a conflict--be it internal or external--and their "subplot" and called it a day. I might change the ending eventually, but it was certainly an interesting experience regardless.
Edit 2.0: changed up the ending. Might still make adjustments, we’ll see.
Edit 2.0: changed up the ending. Might still make adjustments, we’ll see.
Pizza with a Slice of Pain
Long ago, Mt. Travail was a terrible place indeed. The mystery dungeon's peaks and ridges loomed over their surroundings with a brooding ferocity. But then one day a drowzee scaled Mt. Travail's vicious hide, resting atop the crown to repent far away from society. Everything changed. His soul touched the heart of the mountain, transforming the mystery dungeon's spirit into one of benevolence rather than malevolence. Some say the drowzee and the mystery dungeon merged after his death, although no one knows the truth of the matter.
What was true, however, was that as time passed, Officer Magnezone and his deputies began using Mt. Travail more and more often as a place to house outlaws. The dungeon proved receptive to their needs, providing food and water and shelter, and, more importantly, a peculiar quirk: those who entered could only leave when they were ready. No one had ever escaped Mt. Travail.
Many, many years went by. The human and his partner who had saved the world faded into the mists of myth. But Mt. Travail remained, a steadfast home for those who had lost their way.
It was a warm summer's eve when Raine Whiffletwist arrived.
Most inhabitants were enjoying their supper in the mess hall. Glittering red crystals spiraled out of the vast arches high above the heads of even the largest pokémon, shining a gentle light over long stone tables filled with assorted mushrooms. The mushrooms were a special sort, capable of tasting like whatever foodstuff desired most.
For Eloise the furret, they tasted like pizza and waffle fries. The mushrooms were good if lacking the texture of the aforementioned food. But she minded little, content to nibble away at her meal, tucked far away from other pokémon in her own little corner of the mess hall.
The large stone doors banged open. A ripple spread through the room as everyone glanced up. In strode Raine Whiffletwist, a rather impressive looking grimmsnarl covered in thick silver fur—although his green skin and hint of dark roots rather gave away the truth—flanked on either side by magnemite deputies.
Raine Whiffletwist leapt onto one of the stone tables, knocking over a mound of mushrooms in the process. A nearby quilava growled his displeasure but was ignored. Raine Whiffletwist placed both claws on his voluptuous hips and declared: "Greetings! I am Raine Whiffletwist; yes, that Raine Whiffletwist, bane of the Grass Continent, the dashing and debonair human-turned-grimmsnarl, capable of striking fear into the heart of even the most intrepid exploration team."
This was, of course, a lie. Raine Whiffletwist had been born an ordinary impidimp, and grew up engaging in all manner of traditional fairy work. Such as but not limited to: kidnapping small children, leading travelers astray, attending morning choir, and other generic evil rot. But this backstory was far too banal and mundane for the likes of Raine Whiffletwist! Therefore he improvised, aiming instead for the rare and exotic.
Everyone silently appraised Raine Whiffletwist. Grandstanding was nothing new to the halls of Mt. Travail, but it had been some time since someone made an entrance quite like this one. Eloise straightened from where she had sunk down low in her seat, ears perking with interest.
"If you're so great 'n all, how'd you get caught?" asked the annoyed quilava. Many of the surrounding pokémon tittered. Unruffled, Raine Whiffletwist clapped his hands together.
"A most excellent question! For you see, the great Raine Whiffletwist would never allow himself to be captured under normal circumstances by mere magnemite"—he realized he had positioned himself off-center between the two behind him, and edged to the right, knocking over more innocent mushrooms in the process—"no offense meant, of course."
"None taken," said one of the magnemite in their typical monotone, "we shall depart now."
"In but a moment, my good fellows." Raine Whiffletwist's arms fluttered about, the tendril-like fur flaring in synchronicity with his speech patterns. "But yes. I allowed myself to be brought here so that I could be the first to escape Mt. Travail! My legend will indubitably grow ever-reaching once I accomplish such a miraculous feat."
Surprised glances were exchanged within the mess hall. The quilava scoffed, unimpressed. "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."
"Indeed." Raine Whiffletwist beamed, baring his impressive fangs, before dismissing the deputies with another theatrical wave. "Thank you for your time, gentlemen. Truly, the scene set would not have been nearly so striking without your stoic presence to provide stark contrast."
Both magnemite bobbed in response, taken aback by their own sudden onset of bashfulness. After all, were they not a rather impressive, intimidating sight? See how their metal hulls gleamed in the dim lighting, how their singular eye swept the hall in alienating surveillance. It felt good to have these facts acknowledged by one as notorious as Raine Whiffletwist.
"We appreciate your gratitude, even if we cannot condone your general villainy. Have a pleasant day." With that declaration made loud and clear, they left, a new spring to their levitating step.
Raine Whiffletwist sprang off the table, settling beside the quilava. He plucked a particularly plump mushroom from the table and popped it into his mouth. Flames rumbled to life around the quilava's collar, the surrounding temperature skyrocketing. Tension quivered in the air while something else, something curious, lurked just beneath the surface of the hall.
The quilava snorted, turning his back on the grimmasnarl; he knew fighting was forbidden within most of Mt. Travail's hallowed chambers. Instead, he gestured toward his mates. They moved away, deserting Raine Whiffletwist and the others. This was perfectly acceptable to Raine Whiffletwist, who continued devouring his meal. Not bad, not bad at all. The mushrooms tasted like the warm milk proper fearful folk left out to placate his ilk.
Eloise summoned her courage, hesitantly leaving her own private corner. She slinked toward Raine Whiffletwist, avoiding any cracks in the stone floor. Halfway there she paused. The space between them stretched onward forever. No matter how many steps Eloise took, she would never close the gap. Other pokémon were staring, were they not? Surely they must be.
(They were not.)
Panic almost overwhelmed Eloise. Her breath hitched and she flattened her belly, hunkering close to the floor. Cool stone soaked through fur and flesh as Mt. Travail soothed her. The space once again looked manageable; Raine Whiffletwist wasn't so far away after all. Steeling herself, Eloise closed the gap.
"Um… hello," she said.
Raine Whiffletwist blinked, glanced around, then finally glanced down. He grinned. "Why hello there! What brings you here? Have you come to be regaled with more thrilling, adventurous tales of danger and mystery and woe?"
"Oh, no. Or, um, I don't think so. Maybe?" Eloise frowned, suddenly uncertain. "I guess, well, are you really human?"
"Certainly, m'dear. I promise you, anything that passes from my lips to your ears is most assuredly the truth and nothing but the truth."
Eloise hesitated, but decided to trust him. He had a nice voice. What did she have to lose, anyway?
She lowered her voice. "Well… I-I'm a human, too. Or was."
"What?!" Raine Whiffletwist raised his voice.
Several pokémon turned at the noise. Eloise flinched, shrinking away, the tip of her tail flicking back and forth. Some of Raine Whiffletwist's over-exaggerated posture relaxed. When he spoke again, it was softer, gentler.
"Many pardons. I was just surprised."
"I-I was surprised too." Eloise scuffed the ground with her paw, refusing to meet Raine Whiffletwist's gaze. "I'd heard stories about other humans becoming pokémon, but I didn't think I'd ever, um, meet one."
Raine Whiffletwist's mind raced. This was an opportunity to learn more about the mysterious, elusive hoo-man, thus further fleshing out his already grandiose backstory. But he would have to tread carefully, or else the furret would no doubt learn of his ruse. What a stroke of luck! He should have gotten caught ages ago.
"Yes, I only met one other human-turned-pokémon in my various travels. Was a gibbering lunatic, poor sod." Raine Whiffletwist made the symbol of yveltal over his breast, nodding solemnly.
This was mostly true, although the human-turned-pokémon in question had not gibbered so much as mumbled incoherently. When Raine Whiffletwist tried teaching him the finer points of dictation, it only worsened his condition. Not one for enunciation, that lad.
"Oh, that's so sad." And also mildly alarming. Eloise hoped the madness wasn't as contagious as it appeared.
"Never you mind. I have a feeling we were brought together not by accident, but by fate. A sign that my historical escape is favored by destiny!" Raine Whiffletwist struck a pose. Eloise had no idea how to respond, head tilted askance. Then Raine Whiffletwist frowned, tapping his own cheek. "What did bring you here, anyway?"
Little Eloise was hardly the outlawing vagabond type. She shuffled her feet, face heating up.
"Uh, right. Well, when I first woke up several months ago, I didn't really know what was going on. And I got hungry, and there was this blanket with seeds on it, so…"
"You stole from Kecleon? Ah, unfortunate. And outrageous! Why are you still here of all places?" Raine Whiffletwist demanded. He was an absolute cad, it made sense for him to be locked away. Someone should never suffer for the sake of survival.
"Oh. Oh!" Eloise's eyes widened, and she at last dared to meet his stare. "I've been able to leave pretty much since I arrived. They brought me here for the food. I just, well, haven't. Left, that is. I-I kind of like it here."
Raine Whiffletwist was flabbergasted. Who would want to stay here of all places? Just traveling to the mess hall had been boring. Grey, brown, grey, some more brown, such intolerable monotony that no amount of discerningly placed crystals could ever fix. Stuffy inscriptions in pillars with trite sayings such as In Reflection Comes Tranquility abounded around every corner.
(Now, some might argue that one who had once unashamedly rhymed time with thyme was not one with the keenest of mind needed for subtle architectural decisions—but such an observation was far too petty for anyone harboring obviously superior taste in interior design.)
"Why?" Raine Whiffletwist's curiosity was genuine. Much of the wide world was strange and varied and mysterious and, best of all, hostile. Mt. Travail took the mystery out of the term mystery dungeon.
"Because… because…" Eloise struggled finding the words to explain. She floundered for a few moments longer before changing her mind. "I could show you?"
Raine Whiffletwist made his decision immediately. He turned, gesturing toward the double doors with a flourish and a bow. "Lead the way, madame."
Self-conscious, Eloise took a few steps, then checked over her shoulder to make sure he was still there. Raine Whiffletwist was, in fact, still there. She went a few steps further before checking again. Raine Whiffletwist followed her lead. This stop-start motion carried them out the mess hall and down one of the many tunnels networking through the mountain.
Gradually, Eloise became more confident. Although the tunnels shifted like most mystery dungeons, Mt. Travail was simple to navigate, with many recognizable milestones marking specific cave systems. More than that, she trusted Mt. Travail to bring her where she wanted to go. And Mt. Travail trusted her to go where she was needed most.
Raine Whiffletwist remained quiet, cataloguing his surroundings, a mental map forming in his head. He would need every advantage he could get if he was to defeat this most wily foe. And, now that his shock had worn off, Raine Whiffletwist began to appreciate the good fortune of not only coming across a human-turned-pokémon, but a human-turned-pokémon who seemed intimately familiar with the dungeon, even if he could not for the life of him fathom the reason behind it.
Besides, there was something pleasant about watching a furret walk. The undulation of their long bodies, the pitter-patter of their adorable little paws, the rhythm of their rolling gait. Why, Raine Whiffletwist could almost hear a cheery jingle playing in his ear to the beat of Eloise's movement. How could one maintain any semblance of a dour mood in the face of such natural whimsy?
Eloise darted past glowing silver lichen into the cavern hidden behind it.
The differences were stark: a wool carpet blanketed the ground while a fire crackled in the brick fireplace. There was a long counter jutting out the far end of the cavern, as well as a wooden table and two chairs. On the table lay a checkered board decorated with the most curious figurines.
Raine Whiffletwist approached the board, intrigued. His large, furred claws dwarfed the pieces, but despite his insistent tugs, they remained rooted firmly in place. He tried a few more times before giving up with a shrug.
"What's all this about, then?"
Eloise was surprised. She sat up on her hind legs, more at ease here, away from the crowd. "You don't know chess?"
Raine Whiffletwist inwardly cursed. Some common human convention, no doubt. And he had already failed the first test. But then, a brilliant idea struck him.
"Unfortunately, I… have amnesia. There's very little about my former life that I can recall. My identity, gone with the wind! Truly a most depressing fate." Raine Whiffletwist sighed, briefly overcome by his own tragic past. "But we make do with what we have, yes?"
"My god, I'm so sorry." Eloise lowered herself back to the ground. She felt very stupid, and also disappointed. He probably couldn't help her figure out how they had transformed, then. This was no doubt becoming a waste of Raine Whiffletwist's time. "I-I didn't know. I'm sorry, that's awful…"
"You have nothing to apologize for, m'dear, for you could not have possibly known." Raine Whiffletwist lowered himself onto one knee, meeting her wayward gaze. "But, perhaps you could explain this chess? So I can get in touch with my humanity once more... mayhaps it'll even jog my memory."
"O-okay." Eloise brightened at the thought that she might be of service. She padded over to the chessboard, gathering herself before jumping onto the chair. Her body spooled onto the seat like an unwound thread. "Although I'm not that good. I played sometimes with my grandpa but that was about it…" She trailed off, homesick, before continuing. "It's a two-player game. All the different pieces move across the board in a specific way, and you want to try and capture the king."
She pointed at the specific pieces with her tail.
Raine Whiffletwist moved closer. "Fascinating."
Several figurines had been set aside. Eloise smiled. "I've been playing with Travis. He's slow but super smart. I haven't beaten him once yet."
Raine Whiffletwist stared blankly. The tip of Eloise's tail flicked upward at the ceiling. A pregnant pause followed, and then Raine Whiffletwist gasped, eyes lighting up. Surely not! And yet…?
(And yet, indeed!)
"I-I know it sounds silly." Eloise's tail curled around her paws, and she kept her gaze fixed on the chessboard. "He's a really good listener though."
"Incredible," Raine Whiffletwist marveled. If true, Mt. Travail was even more of an anomaly of a dungeon than anyone had realized. "How do you know for sure it, well, hmmm, him I suppose, is the one you're playing against?"
Eloise opened her mouth and then closed it. An awkward silence bloomed between them.
"Well, never mind that," Raine Whiffletwist said, sliding into the seat opposite her. "Tell me more about chess."
Grateful, Eloise seized the topic change with both tiny forepaws. She pointed out pieces, explaining their functions, and even moved a bishop to put pressure on the opposing king. It all sounded very strange to Raine Whiffletwist—castling, in particular, seemed too ridiculous to be real, more an invention of hatchlings that hated losing—but also quite fascinating. The hoo-mans were truly marvelous creatures.
He began revising his backstory. Raine Whiffletwist, a poor street urchin who spent much of his formative years with nothing but his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's chess set to keep him company. He honed his skills, suffering untold humiliations in the process, but eventually rose above and overcame everyone else, becoming Raine Whiffletwist the grand champion of chess.
Perhaps he should stick with the amnesia angle.
"Is this helping?" Eloise asked. Raine Whiffletwist blinked.
"The company is excellent, of course, but my memory is all rot still, I'm afraid. Perhaps if I could challenge this Travis to a match of my own…"
Eloise drooped a little, disappointed once more by her own uselessness, but then frowned. "Why?"
"Why not? If I am to escape this, this Travis, I must prove my worth to him in a match of raw brilliance and tactical verve."
"I guess. But why not just ask if you can leave?"
"Ask? Ask?!" Raine Whiffletwist stood, knocking the chair over in his eager outrage. "Does one ask the exploration team apprehending them to stand down? Of course not. A fight is requisite, a means to establish your strength."
Eloise's ears flicked back. Did Raine Whiffletwist have to be so loud? But he had been kind, so she straightened, quelling the urge to flee. "W-well, you can't really fight a dungeon, can you? And… and not everything has to be about fighting."
"Too right, too right. Only most things." Raine Whiffletwist laughed. "But for it to be an achievement, it has to be a struggle. No one has escaped Mt. Travail before, they say it cannot be done. That alone makes it a challenge, a challenge ripe to be plucked from its lofty high branch.
"Even if this 'asking' would work, which I'm not convinced it would, it would be too easy. There must be trials and tribulations! The lowest of the low points. Snow and wind and freezing cold as you trudge up the steep side of the mountain. Pain, agonizing pain, until at last, you crest the summit. And there before you, the world lying at your feet. Triumph. Satisfaction. Euphoria."
Raine Whiffletwist closed his eyes, feasting upon the mental imagery. Overcoming conflict and evolving from it: that was what it meant to be pokémon.
Eloise had no clue what to say. She gazed upon the crackling fire in the hearth, pensive, suddenly struck by her own inadequacy. Eloise played many chess games with Travis and never once beaten him. And she had taught him the rules. What did that say about her?
This world seemed so loud and angry sometimes.
"Surely there is something you want, m'dear. Something to strive for, yes?"
Of course, Eloise immediately knew the answer to his question. But it felt silly, childish even, to admit it, especially on the heels of Raine Whiffletwist's grandiose declaration. Eloise hesitated. He had soft eyes, though.
"Pizza," she said. "My family… owned a pizzeria. I wish I could make pizza again."
The heady scent of rising bread and melted cheese; the enormous vat she'd help stir yeast and sugar and water into; the bright taste of tomato sauce, oregano, and basil mixed together. Even more than that, the people, her grandfather and her brothers smiling and laughing together. Eloise missed it all dearly, missed them all dearly.
Raine Whiffletwist cocked his head. He wasn't quite sure what a pizza was, but he wasn't one to be fooled twice. Kneeling down to Eloise's eye level, he patted her on the head.
"Well, we'll have to see what we can do about that, won't we?"
Eloise smiled, a little teary-eyed, turning away to hide her sniffles. She was glad she had made a friend, it helped her feel less alone.
(Mt. Travail had been listening. Slowly, ever so slowly, it began to shift.)
…
Eloise brought Raine Whiffletwist back to her hideout the next day. She bounced on the balls of her paws, moving with far more confidence than before. They'd spent the previous day exploring the rest of Mt. Travail; Eloise liked the way Raine Whiffletwist bobbed his head knowingly whenever she explained something, even mundane things like the various shower routines everyone participated in. He moved with such exuberance, it energized her as well.
Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist halted at the sight of the hideout. The white rook had moved to E3 on the chessboard.
Two new caves flanked either side of the fireplace, which had transformed into a furnace. Various appliances decorated the long stone table. Eloise padded forward, somewhat cautious, and then brightened. Travis must've done this for them!
Raine Whiffletwist looked around suspiciously. Travis must've done this for them. Constant vigilance would be required.
The two caverns opened into two distinct tunnel systems.
The left was filled with food. Pepperoni stalactites spiraled from the ceiling, cheese stalactites blooming out of the ground. A lake of marinara sauce burbled off to the side. The shores of the lake were not sand but rather flour.
The right was filled with obstacles. Precarious platforms floated over a chasm of mist while jutting spikes and statues dangled from the ceiling. On the very, very far side lay an exit shrouded in more of the curious fog. Freedom, perhaps.
Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist found each respective cavern positively brilliant.
"Oh! Oh!" Eloise hopped up and down. She ran back into the other room, tail wrapped around a rolling pin, mouth dragging along a pizza pan. She had never cooked alone before but that wouldn't stop her now. "D-do you want some, too?"
Her words came out muffled.
"Never you mind, never you mind, I doubt I'll be here much longer." Raine Whiffletwist waved a hand, striding away, toward the obstacle course. He was intrigued by Eloise's strange rituals, but more importantly, he had a mountain to conquer. Still, all things told, this had been a delightful, worthwhile venture deserving of his legacy.
Raine Whiffletwist stretched for several minutes. From toe touches to side lunges to the vital glute bridge, he worked from top to bottom, slow but thorough. While cold stretching was often frowned upon—muscles would clench together more tightly as a result—the mysterious healing properties of the dungeon emboldened Raine Whiffletwist.
Perhaps it wasn't surprising someone like Eloise preferred to stay here if Travis coddled inmates this way. Raine Whiffletwist cracked his fingers, fur roiling as though it had a life of its own (which, technically, it did). The dark streaks grew bolder underneath the white dye, and Raine Whiffletwist flung himself forward, fur elongating along his arm, surging toward the nearest platform.
His body contorted itself, grotesque, bypassing the first set of spikes with ease. His fur hooked into the rock, dragging him forward. Easy. Too easy.
A hammer appeared out of nowhere, slamming into Raine Whiffletwist's midriff. Sharp pain cracked his ribs as he tumbled into the foggy void. Goodbye, cruel world was his last fleeting thought. If he must die, at least it would be death in pursuit of the miraculous.
Then Raine Whiffletwist blinked and found himself sprawled out on the entrance of the cavern. He sat up, grimacing, rubbing at his tender ribs. He looked around wildly before clapping his hands in grudging respect.
"Well played, Travis, old sport."
(Although Mt. Travail did not answer, it was, in truth, rather proud of its own cleverness as well.)
Raine Whiffletwist rolled his neck before trying again.
Meanwhile, Eloise was hard at work making her pizza. She couldn't wait to cook a big one to share with others. That had always been one of her favorite parts of working at the pizzeria, seeing the way people's faces would light up with pleasure when the food was delivered. Of course, it was less nice when they didn't enjoy their meal, but hopefully that wouldn't happen.
She sent a quick prayer of guidance to her grandfather, humming Pure Imagination under her breath as she kneaded flour and salt into dough. What if there was such a thing as pizza oompa loompas? What if oompa loompas had been pokémon all along? Shiny mr. mime, maybe?! Eloise peered at the marinara lake, a little suspicious.
Then she shrugged and continued humming, although she squeaked to a stop upon hearing a strange noise. Convinced it was Raine Whiffletwist, she whirled around, but there was no one there. Face hot with embarrassment, Eloise crept out of her own cavern to peek in on him.
Raine Whiffletwist was a rather alarming sight to behold. He had been pummeled, immolated, stabbed; his fur was a wild tangle seething around his battered form. He stood and roared something unintelligible before leaping toward the nearest platform. At the halfway point, a gout of flame shot out the side of the tunnel, sending him spiraling to the abyss and then back to the beginning, fur smoking but no longer set aflame.
Eloise decided to leave him alone. He looked busy. And scary.
While waiting for the bread dough to rise, she stared at the chess board. Paralyzed by indecision, she turned away. Eloise told Travis: "D-don't worry, I'll be sure to let you try some, too."
The ground beneath her paws rumbled softly. Eloise stared at the flour staining her fur white, struck by a sudden case of nerves. What if Travis didn't like it? What if Raine Whiffletwist stayed, and ended up disliking it too? She wished her grandpa was here to help.
Creeping back to the other cavern, she settled down to watch Raine Whiffletwist batter himself some more against Travis's traps and tricks.
After dozens of attempts, Raine Whiffletwist knew the ins and outs of the obstacle course. The exact angle the hammers would fall, the velocity of an unladen swellow, the patterns of the flame gouts, and so much more. All of it, he knew. All of his failures, he'd learned from. It had become second nature, knowledge turned reflex.
He was trying so hard. Travis had worked hard, too, no doubt, to answer their wishes. Eloise breathed in and out through her nose. She wouldn't let them down! Turning tail, she headed back into her little pizza cavern.
A hot, melted cheese scent began seeping through the caverns. Raine Whiffletwist groaned, stomach rumbling—he'd wasted so much energy healing—but remained strong. This was but another aspect of the test. He would prove himself, he would be the best, all would remember Raine Whiffletwist after this. Life was a competition he was determined to win.
Raine Whiffletwist believed this time would be the time he succeeded. The certainty caused his mouth to water. That or the scent of food. Details, details.
Eloise watched the first pizza in the fireplace stove cook. Had she spread the sauce evenly? Were the pepperoni slices arranged in a pleasing manner? A yowl echoed from the other room, and Eloise banished the intrusive thoughts. Time to focus.
Raine Whiffletwist roared again, asserting dominance, and began his trial once more. One last time, surely. He moved with elegance and grace despite how haggard he'd become, lithe body twisting as he swung from ropes of fur.
His eyes burned with conviction, a conviction that bordered on obsession. The swinging hammers were avoided with ease, the unladen swellows dodged with a flick of the wrist, the spiraling flames bypassed with manic laughter.
Raine Whiffletwist was so close he could almost taste it. He reached the last portion of the chasm, the part he'd failed every time, when all he'd learned converged upon him simultaneously. Never again! It was as though a third, inner eye had opened; he breezed through the section, past a cacophony of fire arrows and divebombing birds, landing on the other side without bothering to look at the fiery explosion behind him.
Victory. Far more delicious than any hoo-man delicacy. Satisfaction flooded through Raine Whiffletwist's being, validating all the frustration in that brief, addictive high.
He savored the sensation before stumbling through the mist—
And ending up right back where he started.
Raine Whiffletwist gazed across the length of the decimated chasm. After a moment, he straightened. "Ah, of course, only the first test. I see, I see. It was hatchling's play, after all. Sensible."
Travis was perhaps the only one worthy of being christened Raine Whiffletwist's arch-nemesis. Shame he was a mystery dungeon. Such an abstract concept would be difficult to visualize as a concrete story. This revelation cheered Raine Whiffletwist up. It also made it easier to ignore the pain in his ribs, which were almost assuredly broken. He limped back into the main cavern where Eloise was cutting her pizza into eight triangles. Such small portions!
"A-are you okay?" she squeaked, catching sight of him.
Raine Whiffletwist settled heavily beside her. "This? This is nothing in the face of my ever-present existential crisis. Have no fear, madame, I'm made of stern stuff."
When Eloise offered him a slice, he gobbled it down so fast he didn't even taste it. Eloise's eyes were round and large as saucers.
"Do you like it?"
Raine Whiffletwist took another slice, remembering to chew before swallowing. The hot cheese, the golden crunch of the crust, the texture of the red sauce; it was divine. He gave her two thumbs up.
Eloise's face brightened.
"My grandpa probably wouldn't approve," she confided. "He's very traditional. The whole lake business would be too unsanitary for him, I think."
"Nonsense," Raine Whiffletwist said. "The threat of disease only heightens the experience. Besides, one cannot get sick in a dungeon."
"Oh, yeah. Thanks, Travis!"
(Travis accepted her thanks with quiet dignity.)
It occurred to Raine Whiffletwist that he should go back to the drawing board. Travis had thwarted him, this time; he would no doubt need diligent forethought to prevail. Yet, Raine Whiffletwist was tired. And the pizza tasted truly excellent.
"D-did you remember anything?"
Raine Whiffletwist shook his head. Then he paused, head tilting theatrically. "There was, perhaps, an echo of a face. My parents, perhaps…?"
Eloise gasped.
They could well be king and queen of a long-lost kingdom. Or, perhaps, martyrs sacrificed in the name of a noble cause. Both Eloise and Raine Whiffletwist's thoughts raced with unknown—or untold—possibility.
She fidgeted, embarrassed, taking a slice and saving it for Travis before Raine Whiffletwist could devour the whole pizza.
"I-I'm not sure I could've made this without you," Eloise said. Raine Whiffletwist blinked.
"Truly?"
"You're very… bold. And good at knowing how to a-ask for what you want. How to work for it. It's kinda amazing."
Raine Whiffletwist was, well, he was touched. Warmth that had nothing to do with the food in his belly lit him up from the inside. He rather lost interest in fabricating further lies; he wanted to know more about Eloise, and inquired as such.
She fiddled with her sticky paws.
"My grandpa raised me. Before I came here, though, he was very sick. I don't know if he's okay."
Raine Whiffletwist frowned. He had never given much thought to his parents' fate. They were probably off terrorizing hapless villages in a far-flung corner of the world.
"But he makes great pizza?"
"The best!" Eloise beamed, muzzle crinkling, before licking some of the cheese clinging to the edges of her smile. She told Raine Whiffletwist about how they would always open the store together, laughing and dancing to crackly old-timey music coming out of a shoddy stereo all the while.
Going from listened to listener was a curious experience. But Raine Whiffletwist found he did not mind too much—aside from the occasional fidget—while his body consumed the legendary legacy pizza and healed itself. (Travis listened attentively as well, vaguely aware of the various pokémon also going about their daily routines. They milled about, content and contented.) All was peaceful for the moment.
Raine Whiffletwist polished off the rest of pizza. Eloise had lost herself in her own memories, expression relaxed and far away. Standing, Raine Whiffletwist stretched, his stomach bulging from the amount of food indulged.
He ambled over to the chess board, looking it over. After a scrutinizing pause, he pointed at a knight, long talon-like fingers slick with grease. "What would happen if you moved this one?"
"Hmm?" Eloise cocked her head, taking in the board positions. The knight was currently pressuring Travis's queenside rook. But if she ignored it, played aggressive…
The moves fell into place in a flash of insight. Eloise squeaked, then apologized, her apology broken up by said squeak. Paws trembling, she pushed the knight into a more offensive position. Checkmate in three.
Travis's king toppled over.
"We did it!" Eloise skipped around Rhaine Whiffletwist, overjoyed.
Raine Whiffletwist, meanwhile, had no idea what just happened. But Eloise's excitement proved infectious, so he smiled along with her looping victory dance.
It was strange. Under normal circumstances Rhaine Whiffletwist would feel like a cheat for helping Eloise win. But the glow of satisfaction spreading like wildfire through his veins felt eerily akin to earlier when he had conquered the maze.
"You're a natural, m'dear," he assured her. Eloise paused, ducking shyly away. She was rather proud of herself.
"I-I've probably di-dis-distracted you enough. Sorry."
"Never!" Raine Whiffletwist's barrel chest swelled. "This has been most invigorating. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to cut in and challenge you myself in Travis's stead. Best two out of three."
Raine Whiffletwist saw no reason to rush his dashing escapades. There was always tomorrow. There would always be tomorrow.
"Okay." Eloise smiled down at her paws.
Together they reset the board.
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