And here's the first low-effort oneshot! It's, as I said, HHverse. And yes, it's canon.
Length is 2.2k words. Genre is comedy. Rated
mature for sexual themes. Or it might be
teen. I don't know. It's hard to gauge. You just need to be ready for something raunchy.
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Mistress
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It is almost midnight. Almost time. Gods, we lost precious time looking for that offering. It’s not even a good one. No beautiful maiden with locks as hair as dark as a moonless night. No, this was an old drunkard. But he was the only one we could find on such short notice.
I shake my head and turn away from the drugged man carried in Demoness’ telekinetic grasp and enter the dark of Alph Cavern. The mismagius follows, creating a ball of ethereal light before her to illuminate the way, and Evil-Eyes hops behind her with his preferred foot. As we progress, we take the turns that have become familiar to us from previous visits, and my heart begins to pound more and more loudly.
The fateful moment is fast approaching. The moment the walls of the world will be at their thinnest. The moment I will perform the ritual. The moment I will free Her from Her prison and meet Her in person at last. See Her beautiful serpentine form, so graceful, yet so powerful. Gaze into Her eyes, if I can do so without going mad. Not that I’m not mad already from my love, stronger and fiercer than that of any other. Truly, no man has ever loved anyone more than I love Her.
In any case, She will thank me. I am sure of it. She will offer me whatever I want, and I already know what I want.
We arrive at the deepest chamber, the one which lacks a ceiling, the one that bathes in the silver light of the full moon. All there is to do now is to wait for Evil-Eyes to declare it midnight.
Time passes infernally slowly, not aided by my agitated body. I briefly wonder if I should have relieved myself before this. No, I can hold it in. And I better. That part of me will have other duties to perform.
Then, finally, finally… Evil-Eyes opens his beak.
Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!
It is time.
“Demoness! Now!”
Demoness wails in acknoledgement and raises her tendrils. Dark flames alight before me, burning space itself, tearing an ever-dilating pitch-black hole into the air. The deep, distorted hum accompanying it startles Evil-Eyes, who takes off and flies to the edge of the ceiling to watch from further away. The hole then stops expanding, and the hum ceases, leaving only the soft flutter of the flames in its place in the soundscape.
Yes! The gateway is ready. It is time to summon Her.
I open my arms wide and speak the words with the greatest passion I can muster.
“Mistress of Darkness! Queen of Wraiths! First Sinner! Renegade!
“Destroying the walls that hold you, I summon Thee! Come forth from Thy prison of shadow, O Violent One, and grace me with Thy dark presence!”
I wait. There is no response. Why is there no response?
Oh, Gods. It’s the offering, isn’t it? She must have sensed it from afar and left immediately. She will never come back again. I screwed it up. I screwed up the most important moment of my life. I’m gonna have to go back to the village and keep selling onions for the rest of my pitiful existence. I’m going to die unremarkable and unsatisfied, and the Original One will peer into my soul and see what I have attempted and send me straight to --
Well, actually, I do also get the chance to meet Her that way. Only she will consume my soul like any other and destroy me completely.
Still not that bad.
Piercing red eyes open in the black of the gateway. My heart jumps to my throat and every hair on my body erects at once. Nevermind, She’s here after all. She’s here. Right now. Before me. In the flesh! Well, whatever She is made of.
“Greetings, My servant,” she says, her voice dark yet feminine, as always.
“M-My lady,” I get out, then quickly throw myself onto my hands and knees in a bow. “I am grateful that Thou had answered my call. It is g-good to see Thou in person after o-only hearing Thy voice.”
”I see thou have brought Me an offering.”
“As we agreed, yes,” I say, turning my head to Demoness and gesturing her to offer the unconscious drunkard. She does so, the body floating right before the gateway. My eyes meet Hers, and I bow my head again.
”Hmm… yes, this is satisfactory.”
A wind picks up, sucking air towards Her. To steal a look, I raise my head and bear witness as a white glow rises out of the man’s eyes and mouth. She opens Her mouth and sucks it in, closing it after and lowering the corpse to the floor. Before She can look at me again, I bow my head.
”No, My servant. Rise and meet My gaze.”
“O-of course,” I say and scramble upright. Gods, Her gaze is so intense. I feel so small before Her, so weak. Just like I want it.
”Thou have served Me well,” she says,
“freeing Me from My prison and gifting Me this soul. Is there anything thou wish for in return, My servant?”
I suck in a breath. Okay, this is it. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I just need to open my mouth and say what I want.
It’s proving more difficult than I anticipated.
Come on, just say it! She specifically asked for it! She probably already knows what you want anyway!
“I-I,” I stammer, “wish for…”
Her stare weighs as much as a thousand golem. This is starting to feel like a bad idea.
“I-I wish for… Thou to… l-l-lie with me.”
Silence. Absolute silence.
Oh, Gods, that was an extremely stupid thing to say. She will -- she will kill me now. She will kill me, deservedly. I should have waited at least a little bit into the apocalypse before asking!
“Certainly.”
Huh?
”It is thy wish, and I shall fulfil it.”
O-oh yeah?
My open mouth contorts into a grin. It’s happening after all. It’s happening!
”Disrobe.”
“Of course, my lady!” I say, and immediately remove my overshirt, undershirt, shoes, socks, trousers. I am fully nude before Her, and… ready, as well. I didn’t even notice when that had happened.
”Now, close thy eyes.”
I do as I’m ordered. Without my sight, my heartbeat is all the louder. I wait, ready for any sensations to come.
And they come. I feel something snaking against my legs. Cold, but soft. It brings me shivers. The something, what I imagine to be tendrils of shadow, creep upwards.
Oh, yes, it’s happening. I am about to experience pleasure unprecedented in the history of mankind. I am about to be one with my Mistress, my beloved, my reason for existence. I fear that I am not ready, but it does not matter. I am certain it will be spectacular. It will be --
Pain slams across my face, knocking me back. I land roughly on my behind, grunting. The feeling of the tendrils is gone. What --
Laughter.
Dark laughter. It is Hers.
I open my eyes and look before me.
The gateway is gone. She is here in her full glory, head and body and wings and tail. She’s marvelous. But She’s laughing. Laughing in my face.
”Oh, Gods, seriously?” She laughs even harder, her entire body heaving.
”You’re disgusting!”
Oh. Uh. I cover my privates with my hands, sensing that the sight of them is no longer welcome.
”How would it even work?” she says, still laughing.
“I’m a dragon, you’re a human, I’m ten times your size, and I don’t even have the parts!”
“W-well I… I thought it would work out somehow…”
She just continues to laugh as if She didn’t hear me. She probably didn’t. My face is heating up rapidly. I keep my eyes on the ground, on the corpse of the old drunkard. It seems like I killed him for nothing.
Wait, no - he just moved, grunting as he furrowed his brow. He’s alive?!
He opens his eyes and slowly sits up. “Huh?” he asks lazily, apparently still too groggy from the paras spores to process the situation fully.
The Mistress of Darkness notices him. Her laughter trails off as She lifts up the drunkard by the collar of his stained shirt and gives him a shake, which quickly wakes the man up.
“Wha? Whaz going on?” he asks, eyes wide and glancing around.
The Mistress leans in towards him.
“I am Giratina, the Mistress of Darkness, and this man thinks that I will lie with him.”
The drunkard stares back at the dragon, jaw slack. Then he stares at me, jaw slack.
Then he bursts into laughter.
The Mistress laughs with him. My face becomes hot enough to use as a stove.
Then I hear
another source of laughter. Gritting my teeth, I look to my left to see Demoness cackling. You too?! My own pokémon?
I look up towards Evil-Eyes at the edge of the ceiling. At least he only looks confused. But it doesn’t make me any less upset!
The longer the laughter continues, the more I feel another emotion arise. Anger. I gave my whole life to the Mistress, and She’s spat right on it. I freed Her from Her prison! She owes me!
With a grunt, I get up, trying to cover myself as best as I can while doing do. Once standing, it takes a while to build up the courage to shout at my lady, but eventually, it comes. “S-stop!” I yell. “This isn’t fair! I freed you -- Thee from Thy prison! I am the one who has made it possible for Thee to plunge the world in darkness and take vengeance on the Original One for imprisoning Thee!”
She restrained her laughter for a moment to hear me better, but now She’s erupting with it again.
”That’s not even true!” She wheezes.
”None of it was true! I had my father tell humanity that as a joke!”
“F-father?” I mean, true, the Original One created Her, but she really sees him as Her father?
“Yes! My father! My dad! My pappy!” She says between fits of laughter.
“He’s in on it! He didn’t want it at first, but -- but I convinced him to, saying that I absolutely understood that it would -- it would mean all of his worshippers hating me, but that’s exactly why it’s funny!”
She… She talks about him as if they were close. As if She harbored no ill will towards him. As if everything I was told -- everything
She told me was a prank!
I feel dizzy. I have to bring my hands to my head, no matter what it exposes. I just found out that everything I knew was a lie.
“Oh, aw,” She says, laughter halting.
”You’re making me feel bad now. Can I cheer you up somehow? With a sack of gold, maybe? You deserve that for your troubles.”
A sack of… gold? Well, I mean… my life is ruined, but it might be a little less ruined if I’m rich.
“U-uh-huh,” I whimper. Gods, how pathetic.
“Alright, here you go!”
A sack of gold coins materializes in the air next to her, then flies at me - at my groin. I stumble back with a grunt and double over in pain, almost toppling over. The Mistress laughs again. I don’t know if I’m hurt worse in my privates or my heart. Tears start prickling in my eyes.
Eventually, the laughter dies down - Hers, the drunkard’s and Demoness’. I’ve become numb, staring at the cavern floor.
”Oh, Gods, you are a riot,” the Mistress says.
”Thanks for the laugh. It’s time I head back, though.”
I look up at Her. Some part of me that somehow still exists wants to beg Her not to go. Well, I do get it, I suppose. Once She leaves, I’ll have to face the rest of my life.
A deep hum, the same hum as the gateway emitted when opening, arises. Dark flames have lit up behind her, and the gateway reopens. She begins to float backwards into it.
”It was nice meeting you! Have a great rest of your life!” she says, waving with one of her wings. She retreats fully inside the aperture in space, and I watch it shrink after Her, dejected. Once the hole is small enough to only show Her face, however, it stops.
”Oh, almost forgot,” she says.
”There’s one last thing I’ve got to tell you.”
A thought - a foolish one, I know - comes to me, saying that She’s going to give me some sage wisdom that will help me recover from this.
She narrows her eyes and lower her voice to a whisper.
“No one will believe you.”
With that, the hole shrinks to nothing, and the flames dissipate away.
I find myself staring in its direction long after it’s gone.
The drunkard says something, Demoness wails inquisitively, Evil-Eyes flies back down onto the floor, but none of it really registers. It’s only the growing cold that eventually reminds me that I’m still nude and should probably put my clothes back on.
I look down on the ground where they are, and realize something is missing.
The drunkard took the gold.
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